What does it mean to be "cheap"?
Today, I have a request for you. List for me, in the comments, some of the behaviors you categorize as cheap rather than frugal.
(And here I mean "cheap" with all of its negative connotations. We're in the neighborhood of things like "miserly", "skinflint", and "scrooge", ok?)
My theory has long been that when you exercise extreme frugality in ways that only affect you, it's fine, but when you start negatively affecting others, then you're veering into cheap territory.
I wrote about this in some greater detail in 2022 (Am I frugal or just ridiculous?), but some examples:
If you use a raggedy bath towel for yourself, fine. If you make your guests use a towel with holes in it, that's cheap.
If you get a free unopened bottle of ketchup from your Buy Nothing group, fine. If you take 32 packets of ketchup from the cafeteria, that's cheap (your excess use affects the cafeteria, not just you).
If you serve yourself beans, fine. If you serve beans to someone who hates them, that's cheap. Get some chicken, and eat beans some other time.
Basically, if you are selfish and inconsiderate in the ways you spend money, then you're being cheap.
But now that I'm thinking about it, I suppose there are other ways to be cheap. For instance, if you save money by staying in a beach hotel that is a dump, that might be cheap, whereas if you find a discount off-season in a nicer hotel, that would fall into the "frugal" category.
Or, let's say you took free food intended for hungry people, even though you are not anywhere near going hungry. That seems cheap to me, and it also seems to fall under the "selfish and inconsiderate" umbrella.
Help me come up with a working definition!
I want to hear all of the things you think of as cheap behaviors, and then we can figure out how we define cheap vs. frugal. I do think my "Who does this affect?" theory at least partially explains it, but it feels incomplete.
So, tell me: what money-saving behaviors have you observed as cheap, not frugal?
P.S. In this context, we are only considering instances where money-saving is a choice. In other words, this is not a discussion of poverty, because in such cases, there is little choice involved.
Going out to eat with others and then doing something that puts the burden of the bill on them…I have several acquaintances who are really good at this!
Oh, and a former coworker who was extremely cheap did two other things I remember - once told me she wanted to take me on an outing for my birthday, she would cover the (inexpensive) admission and I could do gas and buy lunch (suffice to say I never took her up on this offer) and she would also often ask me to pick something up when she knew I was going to a warehouse store but then never even remembered to pay me back.
I think putting the burden of your savings on someone else (especially if they have no choice) is a good general definition!
Maybe buying the less expensive version of an item that you'll need to replace repeatedly, when you could afford to get the more reliable, expensive version ( on sale of course!) instead?
Staying with people and never offering to cover expenses or a dinner out?
Resounding yes to the latter! I have cousins that come in from out of town regularly. In the past, they often stayed with my mom and not once brought her a thank you gift. They did, however, offer to take her to dinner. But to a fast food restaurant knowing that she did not enjoy or eat that food because of her diet (health issues). My mom is not hosting them anymore.
I think it's when you are being ungenerous to others; such as refusing to ever treat someone and lending someone a small amount of money and demanding it back to the very last penny (I should add that this is only if you can afford to treat someone or do without the change). Otherwise I agree with your examples, such as taking free food or clothing intended for people in poverty and/or on very low income.
On a personal level, it seems cheap to me to never spend money on anything fun. Again, I only mean this if you can afford to do so, but I personally don't want to live so rigidly that I would never take a vacation or go to see a film or hang out with friends because I don't want to spend money. A lot of people say they'll save for a big vacation when they retire...but who knows what will happen in those intervening years? And what your health might be at that age?
It's definitely a balance, and I think the other danger is spending without thinking because 'life's too short'. Still, I think it's a little cheap to never go on a small trip, buy an ice cream or simply have coffee with a friend. You're spending money but you're also creating an experience and building friendships. Again, I only mean this for those who are able to afford it - not for those who are on a very tight budget.
Family members often come to stay with us in the summer. That's nice, and its frugal for them. One year, a relative asked if she could bring her yoga instructor and another friend. That's cheap.
Another relative used to post that she was getting a "free vacation" at my home. I love to have her, but yeah, its not free for me to have guests.
At work, we often have nice food gatherings. I love to take leftovers home, but I'm a supervisor. If I took them first, I think that would be cheap. I wait until the afternoon after everyone has had a chance to take some, then I take the rest home. The same with leftover packets from takeout, like the pepper flakes and parmesan from pizza orders. I think that's frugal.
My friends and I often exchange things, like I give them my jalapenos and lettuce from my garden, they give me flowers or hand me down nice clothes. That's frugal.
First, I'm sorry I've been out of the loop for a while, but I think my last week's Thankful Thursday explains why, in part. I've also had a lot of gardening and NDN1 business to take care of. But I'm back. And I'm enjoying Kristen's take on this question, plus the comments thus far.
To take the issue of reciprocation between friends/relatives as an example, here's my breakdown:
Cheapness: Never reciprocating when folks buy things, do you favors, etc.
Frugality: Always making sure to reciprocate.
True friendship: Being so entrenched in the habit of reciprocation that neither party bothers to keep track any more. (This is one reason why the Bestest Neighbors are the Bestest Neighbors.)
I believe if you are purposely choosing to neglect the care of yourself or your family to save money you are also being cheap. Examples: delaying or foregoing medical and dental care, buying nutritionally-poor foods, wearing ill-fitting shoes, or skipping sunscreen.
I completely agree with this. There's a saying (I think from Italy) that you can pay the grocer or pay the doctor. In general it's wise to invest in your health. I have a gym membership and it's completely worth it to me - it includes classes and it has heavy weights which I don't have room for at home. I don't want to be cheap with my health.
I would add that cheapness includes impacting your children extremely negatively when you can afford otherwise. For example, a family I know made their 12 yo daughter pay for gymnastics lessons out of her babysitting money. Ok, I get that. That's sensible. But they also made her pay the $50 ER copay when she fell off the balance beam and sprained her ankle. That's cheap. And mean.