If you are wanting to help someone in a bad marriage...
If you're not in a bad marriage, you probably will not join my Patreon (which is totally fine! I never ever want anyone to feel pressure to join there. I would probably write posts there even if no one joined, mainly because my writing there helps me process what happened to me.)
But some of you were asking for ideas about how to help someone ELSE who is in a bad marriage, and I realized if I put that post on Patreon, it probably wouldn't ever get to the target audience.
So, if you are not interested in this, skip on by for today! You've been warned that we are going off-topic. 😉
I'm just gonna make a list of some random dos and don'ts, based on what I have experienced and have learned. Again, I'm not an expert or a professional; just a person who had a very long, very bad marriage, and then got out.
1. Don't tell her what to do
It is very tempting for someone on the outside to think they have the obvious solution. But unless you have been inside a marriage like this, your "solution" might be pretty unhelpful.
Also: she has probably spent her marriage being told what to do. Having more voices tell her what to do, and more people putting pressure on her, will probably not be helpful.
2. Do help build her confidence in her own decision-making
People who have survived a long-term abusive marriage are actually very competent and resourceful. Otherwise, they'd have cracked a long time ago.
The problem is that they often don't realize how resourceful they are. They probably have been told they're not smart, not trustworthy, not savvy, not wise...their confidence has probably been smashed.
Asking, "What would you like to do?" or, "How would you like to handle this?", or saying, "I know that you can figure this out. I trust that you will know the right thing to do." might be helpful.
3. Ask questions instead of giving advice
When I'm talking to a friend in a tough marriage or relationship, I try really hard to resist the urge to give advice.
Instead, I ask questions.
She tells me a thing he did, and I say, "How did you feel after that?"
She tells me something he said, and I ask, "What do you think about that?" or, "What do you want to say to him?"
And a lot of times, I follow up their response with, "Tell me more about that."
Your friend is probably smart and wise, and she may need to figure out her feelings by talking with a safe person. Questions and "tell me more" will encourage that.
4. Don't tell her to leave; tell her you'll be there either way
Sometimes the process of getting to the "I want to leave." stage is slow, but it's ideal if someone can make a free choice to leave a relationship.
(As opposed to making the decision to please the "helpers".)
This is also true when it comes to pressuring someone to stay; in religious communities, there is a terrible amount of pressure to stay no matter what. That's the main reason I was stuck for so long.
So, piggybacking on a couple of the previous points: you might want to say, "I know you're gonna figure out what the right decision is for you. You can trust yourself! And I'll be here for you no matter your decision."
It usually takes people several tries (I think the average is 7?) to leave an abusive relationship for good. It's hard to get out! So be prepared to be patient.
When someone has a safe space to make whatever decision they want, THEN they can figure out what they really do want for their life.
(I sometimes say something like this to my friends who are dating after divorce too, and are waffling on whether someone is right for them! "I know you're gonna figure this out. You can trust yourself. And you can tell me about it along the way. You've got this.")
4. Remind her she has choices
One of the most horrible things about my marriage was feeling like I did not have choices; the complementarian model + abuse left me with little agency.
Realizing I had choices was pivotal for me; in fact, during the last sessions of marriage counseling, which were horrific, I wrote a little note to myself at the top of the page: "It will be ok. I have choices." And that helped me breathe.
This is her life; she has options, and she gets to decide.
5. Do take her seriously
My friend Whitney, after hearing just a little bit about my marriage at Fincon, said, "Friend, I am really concerned about you." and I will always be grateful for her honesty. It was perfect; she wasn't telling me what to do, she wasn't giving me advice, but she was gently sharing a concern.
It was one of the few times someone was appropriately horrified at the way I was being treated*, and it was a wake-up call for me. Like..."Oh. Maybe this is actually bad." And I did end up leaving him about four months later.
*The Christian counselors were particularly blase, at least directly to me, about the stories I told them. I came away with the impression that my marriage problems were run-of-the-mill. Maybe they were privately horrified, but they did not communicate that to me.
6. If she does ask for an opinion, be honest and direct
After I left in 2022, I did not want to go back. I can remember asking the Christian counselor and the pastor very directly, "Do you think I need to go back? Am I obligated to go back?" and I pressed them repeatedly for an answer. But they weren't willing to label the abuse as abuse, and they weren't willing to explicitly say that divorce was an acceptable option.
It felt to me like they wanted to say it, but just couldn't morally bring themselves to do it.
In my experience, Christians in particular are SO CAREFUL about "not encouraging divorce", it's like they've strained out a gnat and swallowed a camel. They'll send a wife back to an abusive husband and think little of it because thank goodness, at least they "saved the marriage." which often seems to be the moral priority.
It would have helped me so much if someone in the Christian world had just flat-out said to me, "You can choose to stay. But also, you do not have to stay. Either choice is morally acceptable."
If someone had said that to me, I know without a doubt that I would not have ever gone back after the initial 2018 separation. I also think I'd have managed to leave way sooner than that.
(A sidebar: in Matthew 7:9-11, the Bible says that God is a good father; kinder than earthly fathers. Would you fathers/mothers expect your child to live in a state of persistent abuse, just to avoid divorce? I hope not. And if God is more good than earthly parents, I do not know how we can believe he expects us to stay married to abusive spouses. Please, please do not let your faith cause you to enable the continuance of abuse. I desperately hope Jesus weeps when he sees the church do this.)
7. Offer practical help
I'm pretty independent, and I have a solid base of practical skills, but I still needed some help!
My parents and my brother kindly housed the girls and me when we left in 2018 and also in 2022. They helped me move my stuff out of my house too, and helped me find a place to rent. I will always be grateful for this.
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I hope this helps you feel a little bit more confident about what to do when someone confides in you, and thank you to all of you who have a heart to help someone who is stuck. You really can make a difference!
If you've been through this, what helped you the most? Share if you feel comfortable!
P.S. A funny-ish thing I learned from Natalie Hoffman: If your friend says, "What if I regret this? Maybe he's going to change and be wonderful.", you can say, "Well, this isn't permanent. If you divorce him, and he's one of the few that does manage to change, you can always remarry him." 🙂 Sometimes it helps to remember this isn't permanent if you don't want it to be.
P.P.S. Most people don't end up wanting to remarry their ex. ME INCLUDED. 😉 It just can help to know it's an option; it helps people get unstuck sometimes.
P.P.P.S. What I would say directly to someone who is stuck in a harmful marriage
Thanks for today's post Kristen. A decade ago I worked with a lady whose daughter was in an abusive relationship. It was torment to her, to wait for her daughter to leave the abuser. All she could do was practise what you listed. It did take years (autocorrect suggested tears - that too!!) and several attempts to up and go.
On reading, it struck me that the same approach will be useful if people are unhappy in friendships (that can be very toxic!), work situations and studies. So I would hazard the suggestion that today's post is a good read also for people who are not in or now witnessing people in abusive marriages.
A final thought and personal question: did you ever hear back from one of your Christian councellors and pastors that with hindsight they wished they had been more supportive of you? Did they ever even express that they could see your decision turned out to be good for you?
An afterthought: I heard of one case where a reverend in a different parish got in touch with relatives of a divorced lady to ask about their view on the divorce/child care agreements. The ex-husband was engaged to be married to a somewhat vulnerable lady and the reverend wanted to hear "the other side" to what they heard. To me, that felt truly shepherdly.
I am not a fan of organised religion. I would like to spit at the people who encouraged you to accept abuse and to blame you for not being ‘strong enough’ or Christian enough to survive and continue your marriage.
But that aside, no one, no country or religion, MLM or cult, parenting group or gym is ever on the side of good if it won’t let you leave. If it tells you that you can’t, if it puts up insurmountable barriers (physical or emotional or financial), if it guilt trips you, if it withholds money or medications or your children.
You can consider your husband and church to be Russia, East Germany, North Korea. Hmph, rant over.
Onto my thoughts, having experienced abuse in childhood and witnessed it in adulthood. If you’re experiencing abuse and you are made to believe that it’s normal then this tactic might not work, but you can try asking the victim if they would want their friend or sister or daughter to accept the behaviour the victim is experiencing.
You can also offer to hold important documents for them, or a cash reserve or a go bag. You can offer to take in pets if the victim has to flee, because threatening pets is a common tactic.
I’d offer a warning not to approach the abuser, however angry or frustrated you are at what is happening to your friend, because it’s the victim that will suffer the consequences and they may be forced to cut you from their life, taking away support.
And you should seek emotional support for yourself, because it is upsetting for you too.
Wow, your thoughts gave me aome really practical advice. Thank you!
This is excellent advice to apply in any relationship or situation. Great practical advice as well for helping a friend in need.
Any religion which tells women they are subordinate to men and/or should stay in marriages 'no matter what' is not a religion I want to be part of.
Excellent advice! I especially appreciate the tip about reminding a friend she can always remarry the guy if he does change for the better. There is a definite risk of 'sunk cost fallacy' thinking.
Yes, Sophie, you are right. When a relative was in counseling after her husband left her (he wasn't an abuser, he just wanted out), the therapist reminded her of a famous couple who divorced but later remarried. That got her thinking she could be divorced "for now" and maybe he would later change his mind and return when she lost weight. (At the time, her husband hadn't told her he was gay. She thought he was upset because of her obesity.) Then the therapist told her to "negotiate from a position of strength." That helped her a lot.
This is beautiful. I was in a similar situation and felt like I couldn't tell anyone. We were getting ready to move across the country to live near his family, and a neighbor said, casually, while she was working in her yard, "how do you feel about that?". It was the first time that anyone had asked my opinion about my life choices, and the first time I thought about what I want. That was pivotal, and I still remember this. I never told her how she opened my eyes with that one sentence.
Just curious, are you still religious?
Also, I agree with what you wrote about God probably not wanting us to stay with abusive spouses. I understand why more people don't view it this way, but then again I don't.
Thank you for sharing this. My husband was an alcoholic, not abusive, but all the other things that come along with that. Two of my best lifelong friends finally took me aside because they could see what I couldn’t. I was in such a bad way emotionally and they (and many others) were concerned about my mental health. I am forever grateful for their courage to come to me. You are a beacon of hope Kristin to others in your situation. Bless you.
Patience is the hardest part when seeing a loved one in a bad situation. Just letting them know you're there if they need ANYTHING, that they're welcome any time, day or night, often means more than you think. A beloved friend who left a horrible marriage thanked my husband and me for the above, saying that they were never in a good enough place to accept anything more direct because they were so bullied at home. The sunk cost fallacy is a $&$#@, especially when one has been so worn down.
Kristen, thank you, as always, for sharing this. Your suggestions are spot-on for helping people (and ourselves) look at other situations as well.
MB, I was just thinking that several of Kristen's points are applicable to providing help/support to folks dealing with other major life crises, such as the illness or death of family members. Don't tell folks what to do? Yowza. Ask questions instead of giving advice? Yep. Offer practical help? You betcha.
The only thing I'd add is this: Avoid saying, "I know just how you feel." None of us can know exactly how anyone else feels. Ask questions and sympathize appropriately, but don't presume to know how the person feels. (I lost count of how many times I heard "I know..." during DH's long siege with Alzheimer's.)
A. Marie, What I hear so often is-He seems like he’s doing really well! Yes, on a very surface level he can still seem that way but it just takes the air out of my lungs as the reality is so different. It’s such a dismissive statement, like oh it’s not that bad when everything has changed and will continue to change for the worse.
Yep, Sue, I got that line a lot too. My DH could act socially appropriate (nod, smile, etc.) for quite a long time without people catching on to the fact that he couldn't follow a conversation or remember things. And the line, as you say, invalidates our experience--just as a lot of the things people say to folks thinking of leaving their marriages invalidate their experience.
Very helpful! I kept thinking of how this advice is even applicable to people who are in spiritually abusive churches. Thank you for sharing this.
Having lived in an abusive marriage, this is good stuff.
The counselors I went to didn't label it as abuse either. A church elder did but did nothing. If your friend is in a difficult marriage, please Please, Please! recommend a licensed therapist not just a biblical counselor.
My parents, when I said I was afraid that he would kill me when I went home (from a church thing), told me it's never okay for a wife to leave her husband. If he hit me, then I could call the police. They didn't help me move out or find safety. They haven't acknowledged his actions as abuse. That's probably been the most damaging part of the divorce. I expect my ex to continue trying to do his abusive thing; I didn't expect my parents to be so apathetic about the horror I lived with.
To those with friends who are in tough marriages: don't by scared to label abuse as such if your friend is asking. I thought the problem was me and how I viewed the world until a friend said, "I think this is abuse," and showed me examples and definitions from a domestic violence support place. It still took time to get out and away, but it helped me draw some lines about what I would tolerate and how I would respond.
Agreed on every front. The lack of appropriate horror from counselors is terrible. I tried so hard to give them stories of what was happening, and one biblical counselor was like, "Well, sometimes spouses sin against each other." UGH.
I am so proud of you for getting out and building a new life for you and your kids. SO PROUD.
Kaitlin,
All I can say is an angry WOW to what your parents said. I'm enraged for you that they were so unsupportive of you and your situation. And as Kristen mentioned, also proud of you for getting away and building a new life.
Really good advice, and I'm so sorry for the way in which you came to this freedom. But so thankful that you did!
p.s. I'm a believer and pastor's wife and in the last year became an egalitarian after ALL the things that are wrong/unbiblical/damaging in the complementation mindset. Bare Marriage has a wealth of discussion on this topic.
YESSSS! I am thrilled to hear this. I am now strongly anti-complementarian because I have seen the dangerous situation it can put women in.
When I went through my divorce, one of the kindest, most helpful things someone did for me was to just text me on my actual divorce day. She just said something to the effect of “I’m thinking of you. You matter” and it still makes me tear up 6 years later.
Thank you for this helpful information. Currently I don't know anyone in such a situation, but I once had a very sweet friend who went ahead and married her abusive boyfriend. Trying to help her, I now see that I did everything wrong. He had her so mixed up that she thought God required her to marry him since they were having premarital sex. (He was also having sex with women he'd picked up in bars, she was aware of this, and she also knew about an affair he'd had earlier.) He convinced her that I was trying to break them up because I wanted him for myself. Fat chance! (He also said this about her other caring friends.) Anyway, they married, he whisked her away to a distant city and I never saw her again.
I am an atheist for many reasons, but the misogyny that is so, so, so widespread is part of it. Anyway! A dear friend who is a Catholic priest and the loveliest person who had quite a bit of life experience before becoming a priest always says that if and when any of his parishioners come to him with abuse (most particularly violence of any kind, even not towards people, like punching walls or breaking stuff) or infidelity that is repeated, he offers to help the person pack and move if they would like him to do that, and he has done that on more than one occasion, and I don't mean extreme violence situations, just ''I am frightened and powerless and want to leave but can't'' he will personally engage in helping. His view is that whilst the church frowns on divorce, the actual issue is with remarriage later, and that is not the situation in front of him, and that his priority is the wellbeing of his church members. So, there are fairly devout people who will openly say, "I will help you in these ways'' and not just obfuscate because ''must prevent divorce'' is the highest priority.
Practical help is also key. Sometimes, offering to solve a small tangential problem unlocks the next steps when a person feels afraid and stuck. I took a friend - at her request - to a lawyer she'd managed to gather the courage to go and see. Her ex was very picky about her using their shared car, so I picked her up from work during her lunch hour and took her, and waited and brought her back. Another friend helped her by storing a few key things in a secure, locked place so she didn't have to worry about her things being withheld or damaged.
Her ex really, really was a prince. Extra special guy.
You priest friend is an angel to do that and he has probably saved some lives!
An assistant district attorney once gave a speech to a women's group and showed us photos from a case file. (She had the family's permission to do so.) I covered this as a news reporter. I'll never forget it!
The first picture showed a woman with a black eye. The progression of photos showed her with ever worsening injuries, all caused by her husband, and the last photo was of her murdered corpse. She never left him, the ADA said, and usually would drop the charges and return to him, thinking he would change. The woman was dead wrong. Dead. Wrong.
The husband was serving a life sentence without parole, but the wife's parents wanted the photos shared. Hoping to save others.
The ADA's point was that the abuse progresses and gets worse over time --and if you don't leave, you can end up dead.
Excellent advice Kristen. I think your advice could apply to any toxic relationship, whether it be marriage, friendship, or professional.
While I am fortunate to not be in an abusive relationship, I have realized that relationships are not always what they outwardly appear. I've had friends that were in bad relationships, but they covered for it so well, I did not realize the extent of how bad things were. I have read Kristen's blog since almost its inception, and I would never have thought she was going through such difficult times. I say all that to point out that we don't always know what struggles people have so I think it's important to be supportive and nonjudgemental when they share what they are going through.
Thank you! This is very helpful to me. My son is going through a rocky stage in his marriage, which may end up as a divorce. My temptation is to give advice, but you are so right that it is not the thing to do. It is so hard to see your child hurting. You want to reach out and fix it, but that just doesn't work.
It's good to remember that not every abuser is male and that a lot of times men have almost zero support group and the deck tends to be stacked against them in many cases.
I know it's en vogue to hate on men in cases of divorce. Two couples in my church whose marriages ended in divorce had the men kicked out of the church. I know one guy could've used a lot of help and was essentially cut off. Very sad.
I'm not saying that's what this post is doing, but I've seen good men ruined despite doing everything right.
To be clear, I think that in every case where someone is being abused, they deserve to have help and support in getting free from the abuse. When churches protect the abuser and do not help the victim, this is wrong, no matter who the victim is.
I will add, though, that in many religious structures (church structures and family structures), things are set up so that women have little power, and that is a dangerous dynamic for women. Not every church, not everywhere, but enough to be very concerned.
Thank you for bringing this up. Any way a woman can be abused, a man can be abused; it just doesn't get the same attention.
Yeah I see a lot of misandry just normalized these days and it's based on the false premise that women are always sinless victims with no power and that is just not true.
It is right to bring forward that men too can be the victim of abuse. It does not help if abuse is unseen, because the percentages are staked against you. Recognition is needed of all types of abuse.
Awareness of red flags in any type of relationship is so important.
you are so amazing. in addition to all the hats you wear you would make an excellent marriage therapist. fyi i never bypass a post. can always get something out of it.
p.s. this post did not arrive in my inbox today.
Haha, that's because I didn't send it out yet. I'm the point of failure. 😉
A Methodist minister gave me some of the best advice when I was blaming myself for my divorce. He said, "Wh e n you married, you were doing what you thought was the best thing for you and it was at that time. Times and things change. Stop blaming yourself."
I wish I had help. 45 years and it’s still abuse. There are so many layers to this it’s difficult for people to see, to hear, to understand. Thanks for sharing.
Ohhh, friend, my heart is so sad for you that you have been enduring this for so long. Abusive people almost never change; they just keep repeating the same patterns over and over again.
I hear you, and I believe you. Feel free to email me if you need a listening ear. thefrugalgirl@gmail.com
Debbie, Sending you hugs. <3
Thank you! They are very much appreciated.
Debbie, I'm so sorry you feel alone. I hope you find the strength to reach out.
Thank you. I have reached out a bit to people I know. But it doesn’t fix anything. I just need to find a way to just “get over it”.
Ha! Wouldn’t that be the answer to fix it all.
Thanks for your response. It helps.
Debbie, I am saying a prayer for you. Be strong and have courage! God cares for you!
Debbie, I am so sorry to hear this.
Thank you!
oy vey. sending hugs and love your way.
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
Sending you love Debbie. I don’t know what to say but I hope you know that your worth is IN you and not in any marriage or relationship. Not in anything you do or don’t do. You matter. Xoxo
Thank you. It is a huge struggle for me to hear any of these words and feel they are for me. I KNOW, but it’s so difficult to believe. I would of course believe it for anyone but me. I/We took a class many years ago, called Healing From The Inside Out. Of course I could not discuss my husband, it was the church we were going to. I/We took it at a different church again and of course, more church people we knew. I know now it would not have mattered anyway. Thank you again for the kindness.
A friend told me - God is for marriage... and he's also for me whether married or not. Wow.
That is correct. I don't believe that He would want us to suffer. How a husband treats his wife is specifically addressed in the Bible. I left a marriage and I don't believe God will hold that against me. I prayed alot about it and when I finally left, I was at peace with it.
One thing I hated hearing after my divorce was "I never liked him anyway" from people I was close with and that spent time with us as a couple. We were married for 13 years, we had a child together, and I did, at a point in time, like him. It was hurtful, unhelpful, and made me question so many of my other choices. I'm no longer close with those people, but I am still close to the people that supported me and lifted me up through my divorce.
Geneva, I'm right there with you on this one. I've had multiple people say this to me after my divorce; both those who were closer to us and others who barely knew him and spent no time with him. If people only knew how unhelpful comments like these are, I'm certain they would hold their tongue. I often wonder if they see it as a way of empathizing with me, thinking I don't like him so they need to not like him too. It never comes across that way though. AND, like you said, makes me question ALL of my life choices.
I'm glad you've been able to let those people go, and cling to the ones who lifted you up.
Having my experience validated - so many people said after I left “oh we knew he was awful”. Dude! Why were you acting like it was all fine! It made me feel even crazier and gave him the validation to say, it’s all in your head.
I went to counseling in my first year of marriage and she gave me a DV card. No body else took me seriously, so I stayed for 7 more years and endured two other counselors saying it was my fault plus family echoing that I wasn't trying hard enough, that I was selfish or naive. I wish I had more people in my life willing to believe me and encourage me. The only ones who really believed me were my lawyer, my therapist, and my insurance agent, and one friend. I lost everything to gain my freedom.
<3 <3 thank you
I think it’s important, when someone announces they are separating or divorcing, don’t try to talk them out of it. A lot of times you will hear things like no one takes marriage seriously anymore, you give up too easily, what about the kids, etc etc.
No one who decides to divorce does so on a whim. Trust they have carefully thought about it and decided this was what is best for them and their family. People tend not to air their dirty laundry, and general marriage advice is don’t complain about your spouse to others. So things may have looked good to you, but trust there are things behind the scenes you don’t know about.
Staying for the kids can do more harm than good too. My parents got divorced when I was 13. There was no abuse, they were just deeply unhappy together. I remember the years leading up to it being very tense, and walking on eggshells not to upset my parents because they were already angry all the time. Things were much better after they split, even though we were in a single parent household with a mom who went from staying home to working a job with irregular hours.
Yup. Studies show that in high conflict situations and situations of abuse, the children are more harmed when the parents don't divorce. It is a favor to them to split up.
Kristen, it is helpful for me to hear that. My grown kids are in their late 30s and I still feel guilty for raising them in a broken home, then a blended family. Its all kinds of messy.
Thanks for the honest and sound advice! It is hard to write a piece like this and I find it brave of you.
I love that you have become a successful nurse in adulthood. Divorce did not define you, you are walking a very admirable path afterwards.
The annulment process, in my case, was abusive as well. Due to that and being treated like property throughout the process, I left that religion and went to another one. The female religious leader in the new religion is divorced herself and she remarried. Having a woman religious leader has been very healing. The new religion is similar in a lot of ways to the old one but is more inclusive and welcoming. Just wanted to add that in so people who may be concerned about their relationship with God in their current religion know that they have options. The other options may bring them closer to God, if that is what they want.
Also wanted to add that if people are worried that they will be abused in other ways during the divorce process, e.g., no money for food, etc., that it does get better. While the court is supposed to look out for that, in my experience they did not, but it has gotten much more bearable because I changed careers and the divorce was worth it.
It depends on the denomination, not all Christians think staying in an abusive marriage is the "right" thing to do.
Catholicism allows for separation and even legal divorce if the marriage is abusive. Separation from an abusive spouse is not considered a sin. However the religious component of the marriage remains and so while you may be legally divorced you would still be considered to be married in the Church, and having sex with anyone else or getting remarried would be considered a sin.
Tldr: for Catholics leaving abusive spouse, not a sin. Marrying someone else, sin.
This varies by denomination, some protestant denominations allow divorce and recognise remarried, some do not.
Catholics may go through the annulment process, then remarry in the Catholic church. Also, sex with anyone when single is also a sin, not just divorced Catholics.
I just want to give you a hug. This blog is so wonderful. A woman's shelter or safe home is a great source for support, resources, free counsel and safe haven. I volunteer at our County's safe home and have been in the network for decades.
A great resource is the Dept of Justice http://www.justice.gov There are list of pro bono attorneys and counselors. It's a spring board.
When there is first contact I usually just say how brave she is, that there are so many people ready to support her and to not look at the big picture, just look at today. The plans will firm for her as she builds confidence. It is a given that the abuser destroys her confidence and her perceived abilities.
This also goes for guys! Locally there is very few resources for abused men in my area. But in the larger towns the Salvation Army, the YMCA also has support options.
Abuse can happen at any age, not necessarily by a spouse...County Senior Services also is a great resource.
Remind them they are not alone. There is hope and promise of brighter days ahead. The hardest step is the first.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts from your heart. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through.
Earlier this year I read Divorce and Remarriage in the Church by David Instone-Brewer. It was very thought provoking and made me think more about my thoughts on the whole subject. I have a short review of the book here: https://practicalwalk.com/2026/03/04/february-book-stack-2/
Thank you again for a very thoughtful article.
A key point here is providing a safe place for the person.
Am I right that asking "Do you feel safe?" is appropriate? NO ONE deserves to not feel safe, especially in their own home. Or church.
I have nothing to add, and came in to say I’m listening closely.
Thank you for wanting to help others! 🙂
I just find this so interesting. I found your blog in my younger years - happy and free and loving life was I. And I just needed some frugal tips. Well i came here and then was bombarded by your judgement of women and how you were SO much better that me with your homeschool....SAHM and religion. I knew you were so obviously misguided: married young, limited education, no financial independence, limited professional options, didn't have basic joyful things like even owning your own car. I felt bad for you. But you seemed SO righteous that YOU are better than us. Years later you are starting the life (job, financial independence, ETC) that you turned your nose up to. And now you're behind. It's all a bit surreal. Do you ever feel bad for how you put your head in the sand and snubbed normal life (and promoted the lifestyle you had - which you finally realize was.......yikes).
I think maybe you should not consider helping someone who is in an abusive marriage. 😉
If you want more of my take on my past and how I see things now, you can always join my Patreon.
I find it incredibly sad that "Annon" chose to be abusive in a post about abuse. Kristen, it's a testament to your strength and goodness that you left this comment up and responded the way that you did.
What an incredibly gracious reply to an awful comment. Much respect. Keep being kind and amazing, as always.
A rather twitchy comment from you. I'm not sure she was "snubbing normal life" so much as living what she had been taught and didn't have much experience with.
I didn't read Kristen's writing until a couple years before the separation and divorce, so I don't have your long-range view. What I saw then did not at all make me believe she thought she was somehow superior to me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have kept reading. A marriage and family different from mine-- yes. But not superior.
But then, I am confident enough in myself and my choices to not make such comparisons.
What???
Having read with Kristin since 2011, I never got the impression that she was turning her nose up to anyone.
I find the tone of your comment spiteful and offensive, to be honest. It does not do to find glee in the sorrows of your fellow humans.
Well put, Kristen. I want to be able to find this post and refer to it again and again, although by my age now (66), most women have left their bad marriages. Now many of my friends who stayed married are frustrated with husbands who won’t wear their hearing aids and keep the teevee up too loud!
Excellent post, Kristen. My recently-divorced bff has a priest who is also her counselor (she also has a therapist who lives in Hawaii.....they have sessions via Zoom). Anyway, this priest (in the Catholic church) sounds like an unusual character - he was married and then divorced prior to entering the Catholic priesthood. I think he must have brought so much life experience to his counseling, and he has been so helpful to my bff. He's the one that pointed out to her that her ex is a classic narcissist, among other things.
Also, she filed for an annulment, which is a long process - her ex contested it, so then she had to go through a whole other long process to get it finalized. She did this in the event she gets married again, she wants the option of marrying in a Catholic church. Anyway, when the final decree was made, she was sent the appropriate paperwork; with it was a "note", suggesting she might be more careful to choose a new partner who more fully and truly embraces the Catholic faith. (Her ex had paid lip service to joining the Catholic faith. He re-married a little more than a year ago, not in a Catholic church). I'm not a religious person myself, but it felt like a slap in the face to her to be admonished to "choose better next time".
That response sucks so much. Victim blaming at its finest. Why weren’t God and the church enough to make him a ‘good’ Catholic? They failed, she didn’t.
Christian clergywoman here, for more than 40 years. IMO your pastor and Christian counselors committed spiritual malpractice by not acknowledging the abuse and by encouraging you (implicitly or explicitly) to stay in the marriage. Unfortunately, some versions of Christianity are intrinsically abusive and misogynistic and they do so, so much damage. It sickens me, some of the evil done in the name of Jesus. So glad you finally got out and assembled a healthier faith for yourself.
As a mature Christian woman myself I can see clearly now the effects of how my Baptist upbringing shaped my thinking. Religious legality can hurt us. It’s been so heartening to see you grow into the woman you are now.
It took me many years and I had close family and friends who patiently supported the process. My hope is that my generation (mid 50s) will have taught our kids to be able to leave relationships that are not healthy much sooner and with more grace. My daughters are now almost 20 and I can be open about the traits of their dad that made staying impossible while also being able to agree with them about the things he is great at and support them to have a relationship with him as their dad, but not someone they need to live with anymore.
My son escaped from an abusive marriage with his 2 1/2 year old daughter 4 years ago. It took a great deal of counseling before he believed he was being abused. All of Kristen's suggestions are so good. Acts of service really helped my son as well as gift cards and even financial gifts. At one point she cleaned out all but 59 cents from their joint accounts. I had remembered that a friend told me that when her marriage turned rocky she put money away in a safe place. When her husband left she had cash. My son did the same so he had emergency money. Thanks Kristen for sharing this post.
Great advice here - thanks for sharing. Your experience with the religion based influence in your life over your marriage is so common and similar stories stem from cultural norms too. There's a lot of pressure to stay in a relationship because of the social impact - I've heard everything from "it would kill my parents if I got a divorce" to it's "shameful to the family" to "that's not even an option in my culture." Like you said about "at least the marriage was saved" - it's all so awful when those things are placed above the someone's safety and wellbeing.
I turned 50 years old today and one of the things I've been reflecting on is the realization that pretty much no relationship I have is perfect and you know what? It's not all my fault and also, it's ok that it's not perfect. If it's not good for me or for the other person, that's when I have to start figuring out what to do about it (reduce contact, interact differently or walk away).
Happy Birthday, Crunchy! Have an awesome birthday season!
Thank you so much!
happy birthday.
Thank you for this good advice. I am sad that so many Christians failed you. Christians are a large family, but the ones most available seem to be clueless about empathy. Reinforcing what you said above, I learned in deacon training (Stephen Ministries curriculum) that the single most helpful way to help anyone, in any hard situation, is to listen. The best and strongest decisions we make come from within.
As a member of a Christian faith community, I want to say am sorry to all of the Commentariat that have experienced unkindness, judgment or disbelief when their stories of abuse (of ANY KIND) have been shared. God is certainly not pleased. I highly recommend the book, “Surviving An Unwanted Divorce”, if you are interested in a healthy Christian perspective on divorce. It’s a memoir, a theological treatise and healing tool. Spoiler Alert: no judgement or unkindness, and an explanation of why God does not expect people to stay in a marriage when someone has not honored their vow to have your highest good in mind.
Kristen, thank you for being willing to share your traumatic experiences in the service of helping others.
Hi Kristin, Long time reader and very rarely do I comment. I appreciate your honestly on this. I have been following the NCA since about 2009. Not sure when you and the NCA became friends became co-conspirators, but after your last couple of posts, I want to tell you that I tried to join your blog a few times over the years. The Christian stuff really turned me off when the NCA mentioned you over the years, and I would take a look at your blog, so I didn't start following you until around 2022 when you left your husband. Before that, I couldn't get past the Christian stuff, which now I see was what was holding you up. You were looking for answers and guidance and they did not give you good guidance, and I am sorry for that. I am happy to read that you plugged away and knew your own mind, You have been such a good example to your children, especially your daughters. Since 2022 I have started following you and your posts have changed greatly and you have started coming into yourself. I distinctly remember a post/photo of you in your parent's garage, as you finished a piece of furniture you had picked up somewhere, maybe on the side of the road or in that house of free stuff your brother let you pick from, I can't recall. But somehow in that photo you looked so proud and authentic, as this piece was going into your new place. You did such a good job in making your current place so darling and cozy. I started following you around that time and have learned so many things from you. I am so glad I followed you. For one thing, I make a DOUBLE BATCH of your no-stir granola every week. My family loves it. So, I don't really know what I am getting at here because I feel like I have a lot to say. I am glad that I started following you as you came out of that bad situation. I am so proud of you as I know it was very hard and you have been so stoic about your children's father, and you have not spoken poorly of him. But since I have started following you, you have become so much happier and it has been interesting to watch you bloom.
But I also want to say, that in my experience, for anyone who is reading this, is that not every woman in a bad relationship WANTS to be helped. Some women will lie and cover up for their abusive husbands. I got roped into a friend's abusive marriage. I was a friend to her and her husband did not allow her friends or support. It seems so easy on the outside, to help a friend. My friend's husband became an abuser of my family, because we lived next door. We had to sell our forever home to get away from my friend's abuser. Abusive husbands can also become abusers of people who try to help their friends. I just wanted to say that sometimes woman do NOT want help, they are not ready. So please be careful when trying to help, as it is not always as clear and simple, and not every abused woman is a lovely as Kristin.
Aww, thank you for the encouragement! In the years after I left my marriage, so many people commented that I looked different. It is wild how a bad relationship can change the light in your eyes. And getting free brings it back. 🙂
Jen I am so sorry you had to leave your house to escape that ogre, and I hope your friend is ok.
Looked up complementatian model and learned something.
I do have a friend who will only arrange to go out at the last minute, so she can be sure that her husband is going into the office that day. If he works from home he expects her to be there actively doing chores etc. When she is out she won't do things like pay for parking in case he sees it and asks where she was and why. I never know what to say; I feel complicit in this situation somehow. There's no religious element, at least. She thinks it is her fault for being really behind on all her tasks...
"Thanks Kristen for sharing this post."
"Kristen, thank you for being willing to share your traumatic experiences in the service of helping others."
So much good information from people willing to comment!
This is a very important blog, I'm thankful for it.
I really enjoyed the mushrooms, seems very appropriate.
Tia Levings wrote a wonderful, inspirational book called "I Belong To Me". Her previous book was "A Well-Trained Wife". She is very smart.