How I think about my pre-divorce frugality
In a recent post, I mentioned in passing that it would be easy for me to view my frugality-during-marriage efforts as a waste, given that I paid so many thousands of dollars to get divorced ($36,000, to be precise), and that financial assets got split down the middle.
No matter how well divorce goes, it generally has more of a get-poor-quick flavor than get-rich-quick. 😉 This is especially true once both people lawyer up, because the lawyer bills are coming from the marital pot of money; it's like drawing down double on your account at the same time.
You watch the hard-earned, hard-saved dollars go up in smoke, poof! And it is easy to wonder....what was the point of all those furniture rehabs, DIY repairs, home-cooked meals, mended clothing, second-hand shopping, and deal-finding?
So, here's what I tell myself.
Frugality helped prevent debt
Except for the mortgage, there was zero debt to deal with during the divorce. That's a huge bonus, because a lot of people have to divvy up debt in a marriage settlement.
In my case, even the mortgage debt wasn't an issue; there was enough equity to split, so he refinanced and paid me my half of the equity.
Speaking of....the frugality also helped build equity because it enabled extra payments on the mortgage.
Frugality built savings
There weren't really any savings to speak of by the end of the divorce, but if the savings hadn't been there, the lawyer bills would have created some type of debt.
A depleted savings account is better than a pile of debt.
Frugality taught skills to my kids
They're all deploying various frugal practices that they picked up as kids; thrifting, shopping at Aldi, using Facebook Marketplace/eBay, cooking meals at home, and so on.
And since they're all in their twenties, which is not a wealthy time of life, the frugal skills are serving them well.
I needed my frugal skills during my divorce
During the lean years of marital separation, I often joked, "I've been practicing for this my whole life!" But it was true; my well-practiced frugal skills came in very handy as I was starting over on a shoestring.
What a shock that would have been had I been living a spendy life before the separation. 😉
Frugality made this blog possible, and this blog sustained me through my divorce
This is probably the largest frugality-related win, honestly! Without my frugal ways, there would be no blog.
Without my blog income, my separation and divorce would have been much harder to navigate, and it would have been far more complicated for me to just up and leave.
It also would have been a big financial challenge for me to get through nursing school.
Plus...I would have missed out on all the support you guys offered me through this life upheaval, and that is priceless.
So. Although a lot of the fruit of my frugal efforts did indeed evaporate in the divorce, there are still lots of reasons I'm grateful I walked the frugal path all of those years!
P.S. I have to add: if a marriage is harmful to you, it is worth every penny that it takes to get out. I wish it hadn't cost so much to get divorced, but I don't regret spending the money at all. My freedom was worth it, and I would even have been willing to get into debt to obtain it.
P.P.S. I talked more about the finances of my divorce here.
I always think that frugality is one of two things. Either it is necessary there and then as you are struggling and need to count every penny, or it is helping your future self if a big life event occurs (divorce, illness, redundancy, etc).
That's why it feels hard sometimes, when you want to spend more, you have to keep telling yourself that your future self will be grateful.
I’m not sure whether this was a positive or negative for you, but I feel like frugality also allowed you to stay home with your kids and homeschool them.
Your historical frugality gave you the skills and confidence to change your life and to have the finances to pay for the divorce without accruing debt.
Honestly, that is a huge win! Well done!
Janice, you've summed it up in a nutshell. I couldn't agree more.
I agree with all your points, and it would have been a lot harder if you were spending a lot of money prior to the divorce, or if you didn't have any savings. This is one of the reasons women stay in unhealthy marriages (or relationships in general); they are financially tied to the husband and cannot afford to leave.
I find it so hard not to spend on little treats or enjoying lunch at cafes, but I'm trying - small changes and savings are always better than none.
You can always make more money.
You can't make more sanity.
And the old joke:
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
YUP. I'd pay every penny all over again.
That's a good one. Reminds me of a T-shirt I saw a guy wearing last week: Marriage is the leading cause of divorce.
love those bits
Sociologists call it the feminization if poverty. Usually the divorced man goes on to buy himself a boat or sports car. The ex wife lives in extremely reduced circumstances while trying to raise the kids. And child support? What a joke! Often the man doesn't pay and, in my state at least, rarely gets punished. He still gets visitation, though. The good old boys system is rigged against the women. So sad.
Child support should not be tied to visitation at all. I work with troubled children and one of the most damaging things parents do is to use them as bargaining chips in a separation.
My state will garnish wages if a parent doesn’t pay support. Some parents get around that by working under the table and reporting no income. The courts know this and generally refuse to adjust support payments because someone is choosing not to work. Courts will eventually take away a non-supporting parent’s drivers license. However, the non-paying parent then has a great excuse to not work. If they can’t get to work, how can they catch up on support?
50/50 custody and no one pays support is the default solution here.
No one pays support? Are you serious?
A woman stayed home to raise the kids for almost 20 years. No income.
Suddenly the family splits and the father has obligation to pay for kids under 18? Are you saying you are OK with that?
I think I must not be reading correctly.
Both parents should be obligated to assume costs, it's how that is determined and then non-payment that is the issue.
Meant to say: Father has NO obligations to pay a share of child costs?
Our state doesn't garnish wages, so divorced moms have little recourse.
I'm glad it was possible for you to start debt free after your divorce, if only just. In your marriage, you were also the money administrator if I recall, providing monthly money letters to explain the month's priorities and spendings. Divorce was a step into the unknown, but I hope that your (non)spending habits did give you some confidence, financially speaking?
Oh for sure; I felt confident in my ability to handle my financial life!
I would say the price paid was worth the cost of admission. I feel that way about a lot of the things I have had to liquidate after my Hubby died. I lost the land, RV, and lots of material possessions to gain clarity, peace, and freedom in the midst of grief. These are things I could not have had while married and I realize the mixed blessing that implies.
Thanks for sharing this personal example. And I can see how it would be a mixed blessing! Your husband passed away around the same time as my dad did, if I recall, and both you and my mom have been inspiring examples of moving forward with strength in the midst of unexpected loss. Wishing you (and my mama) continued comfort/strength <3
Thank you so much for this!
Gina, I hear you. My DH was a late convert to frugality, shall we say, and I found myself having to clean out a "man cave" garage (this is still a work in progress). He remains the best man I've ever known, but I still do occasionally find myself doing a rant about the garage and its contents.
A. Marie, If you still have "man cave" items you want to let go, Habitat for Humanity would love to have any tools and building supplies. Just look up your local chapter.
Unfortunately, my local H4H has gotten really fussy about what it will accept--and it's not interested in most of the items I still have. So I've been gradually giving away what I haven't already disposed of (sold, bartered, or given away).
Ours has gotten ridiculously picky too and I'm not sure why.
Try taking some to Goodwill or other thrift stores. Also could the high school ag or industrial arts or woodworking depts. want some? Would an Eagle Scout candidate want to do this as his project?
I am so proud of you! In 1976 if a woman left her husband, it was considered "abandoment" no matter the reason. I stayed until he left so I could keep a roof over my two daughters. Since he was itching to marry a coworker I told him in no way would I pay for a divorce! My girls told me his "new love" paid for the divorce. Wife # 2 3 and 4 all divorced him. I subsequently completed a business degree (to earn a living) and a degree in horticulture (to maintain my sanity). 14 years later I met an amazing
man, we are celebrating our 36 year of marriage! It can be done!
"Wife #2, #3, and #4" bahahaha! I think there's a common denominator there and it is him. 😉
Lol
I had the same thing happen with my ex-husband - I remarried and we're getting ready to celebrate 42 years, while the ex is on #5.
FIVE!!! That is wild.
I cannot tell you how impressed I am by this story! The strength of women - just amazing.
Wow, Linda-this is incredible! I am so very proud of you, and so happy that you found a wonderful man.
I’m guessing that the divorce would have been much less expensive for both of you had there not been resistance on his side. He cut off his own nose to spite his face.
Oh yes, if both parties can be agreeable and cooperative, it does not need to be nearly this expensive.
But as I was saying to a divorcing friend yesterday...we do not typically divorce men who are cooperative and reasonable. The inability to cooperate and be reasonable is part of WHY we end up deciding to divorce.
A person who is difficult to be married to will also be difficult to divorce.
This is a very good point.
Perfectly said, Kristen. I am so glad you were able to be so frugal all of those hard years. It gave you the freedom to do what you needed to do to save yourself, your children, and live your better life.
I once told a friend, frugality gives you the freedom of options. You may never need it, but if and when the time comes, it's a godsend.
Someday I may share my story. Most likely not, because it is still so painful. Frugality is that brick wall allowing me to rest against it while circumstances tried to knock us off our feet. Frugality is shelter when "it" hits the fan. It allowed me to pivot and make quick hard decisions. I raised my kids to always save for the possibility of a problem arrising. Is that negative thinking? Pragmatic? Hopeful. Hopeful that the emergency fund can continue to grow, perhaps become an inheritance fund. Yep. Frugality is that special muscle that is learned. Working that muscle brings me infinite joy. My kids call it my super power. I agree!
I wish you peace and happiness in your ongoing frugal life. Being aware of the joy in life makes things better. And here's a smile for you--spellcheck was certain that I wish you peaches 🙂
Well, you can wish Kristen peaches too. She's always happy to get those. 😀
We wish peaches for everyone!
Love!
That's called being prepared. You prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Aside from the financial aspects everyone has mentioned, I feel like frugality also helps you focus on dealing with your emotions instead of turning to new things and spending to get your dopamine hits and therefore masking issues causing you pain. Sometimes I find myself falling into little spending sprees and having to figure out what is causing the behavior and usually it has to do with stress or uncertainty in my life rather than a need for more stationery items.
Ally! Thank you so much for this!! I have taken a photo of it, so that I can think more about it in relation to my own spending. That's one of the reasons I love Kristen's blog-the helpful and insightful comments such as yours.
There are moments I think of how I wasted money (oh, and I wasted plenty) in my 20s, and even still. That said, I learned so very much in my childhood when I would see my parents prioritize & make conscious spending decisions. It just took me a bit longer to come around. The way I think about this is that I lived very frugally all through college (worked three jobs, had absolutely no money to speak of). I went through a period in my 20s where suddenly I had a reasonable disposable income & minimal expenses. I definitely had a bit of a "make up for lost time" mindset. I came back to the basics at some point, and what I've really put into practice is ensuring my spending aligns with our values. Travel = a high value for us. A paid off house/peace of mind = a high value for us. Keeping up with the Jones = a low value for us. Fancy cars = a low value for us, but dependability request is high. Paying for our kids education = a high value for us. On & On. I don't mind spending a lot on groceries if I'm feeding our kids friends. We always want to have a house where we can extend to another guest, or take them skiing with us, etc. Creating a welcoming family environment (this doesn't always take money, of course) is a huge priority, and we allocate our spending accordingly. Anyway, from my perspective, you don't always get it right, but you are learning along the way.
You also were learning critical skills that you would deploy later, and that's paying dividends as you fund your education & your future.
To me, frugality is like a muscle, I need to use it to build it up. For myself, I noticed that if I am being frugal I one part of my life, it goes into other parts of my life.
Kristen, being frugal gave you opportunities such as nursing school in mid-life. Your children will have seen it too.
Was your divorce contested? Seriously, how much of your joint attorney fees were based on his delays -- problems, failure to respond, etc.? Maybe we should examine frugal ways to incur fewer legal fees during the entire divorce process. I know I incurred over $15,000 because my husband simply failed to respond to things, which caused additional attorney time; this was despite the fact that we had no real assets. Our home had no equity and the mortgage was foreclosed, we had less than $20,000 in savings, and he had a government 401(k). After all those fees I had to hire another attorney to get me my share of his pension, another $1500, but thank heavens I did as I now have extra retirement money every month.
Oh yes, that was a big problem. When one party doesn't participate, then you have to use legal means to..."encourage" them to participate, and of course that makes things way more expensive.
My bff was going through a divorce about the same time as you were, Kristen, and I cringe to even contemplate how much she spent in legal fees - mostly because she had to keep hauling her ex into court because he was not abiding by their agreement in a variety of ways. She realized along the way that her lawyer wasn't very good, but acknowledges "she was what I could afford". Worth it? I'd venture to say "YES!!" for her.
Unfortunately, bff was used to a fairly spendy lifestyle, and has struggled to get used to a less-spendy way of life. She wants to "make over" her bedroom, as she is still using crappy college-era furniture (we're in our 60s) and wants to recreate her bedroom into a place for relaxation, a sanctuary. While I love and support this idea, I know she will hire someone to paint her room, and then go shopping at Pottery Barn (or whatever the popular home furnishings store is these days), instead of 1) painting the room herself with the help of her two adult kids, and 2) slowly and deliberately looking for good used furniture on Marketplace or similar. I would happily help her, but we don't live near each other (me = Ohio, bff = Michigan).
Sigh. At the same time, she's contemplating taking a bike-riding tour through part of France for $8,00-$9,000. (GULP). I adore her, but we are cut out of very different types of cloth. 🙂
in addition to the benefits of frugality, everything you listed has other benefits too. a big reason you're healthier than most people your age is that you eat home-cooked food made from real food items from the grocery store. most of the things you listed, like mending, diy, and shopping used, also have a huge benefit for the environment and they're things everyone should be doing regardless of finances.
regarding finances, and having worked in family law, frugality often equals freedom and the ability and financial confidence to leave a marriage and know you'll be resourceful enough to figure out how to make your way.
Sort of lobbing this in from left field: I didn't know until I was quite old of such a thing as a Spousal IRA. It belongs to a not-working or low-waged spouse, with the money coming from the working spouse.
Perhaps it is new to some of you as well. It provides a retirement asset for a homemaker, something that would be important if the marriage falls apart. Or it simply provides the benefits of an IRA to the couple.
Thank you for sharing your story again in this article, Kristen!
Never heard of the spousal IRA. Thanks for sharing!
dearest kristen you have helped me so much with this post. i was starting to consider divorce because i hate irvington so much. when we were there during covid i cried every night. the family says my husband's twin cannot live alone. and we have to take care of him. it is a two hour ride to get there and two hours back. the house is cluttered, with bugs, mice, mold and freezing in winter boiling in summer. no place for me to walk to. no one on the block to meet and be friends with. it is such a disaster.
i consider not taking my millions of meds so i won't be around. thank you for listening and i am so sorry you had to go though what you did. and i am so glad you came out the other side. maybe i will come out the other side.
Anita Isaac: I am so sorry to see this.
Family and love are only real with respect, and it isn't clear if your wishes are being respected or if they are always put last. Is there anyone who prescribes your millions of meds you can talk with?
Thanks for your kind words. I do chat with the docs. Only 4 doctors among my millions of meds. Am a bit of a drama queen. Am an only child with no living relatives and I don't get along with the youngest b-i-ls. I love the twin I just don't want to live with him permanently. the youngest brought a stranger to our wedding and did not even invite us to his. He is divorced no kids. Other b-i-l lives in AZ and had no contact with me at all for 23 years. Dysfunctional is too nice a word.
Anita, could you talk to your rabbi(I think it is, or your priest or pastor or other spiritual leader)? Perhaps they would have helpful suggestions and could mediate between you and the bills and rest of the family. Keeping you in prayer!
B-i-l s not bills. Spell checker errs again.
Dear Anita, I send solidarity to you, trapped as you seem to be between a rock and a hard place. I'm especially troubled by "the family says my husband's twin cannot live alone, and we have to take care of him." Why "the family says"? Why is it on you and your husband? Is there no one else who's willing and able to step up? Please, please do anything other than stop taking your meds. And please keep us updated. You know we care.
Anita, this breaks my heart. I hope you and your family consider other options to deal with this situation.
Oh Anita I'm so sorry you're being put in this position - I thought "the family" had come up with some alternative options - I'm praying that alternative solutions are identified, and soon, so you don't have to keep suffering through the possibilities being forcibly fed to you and your (personal nuclear) family. Hang in there; like you said, Kristen's story is a great reminder that hope is sometimes buried, but present!
Aww, friend, I am so sorry you are in such a tough position! Is there any way the twin could live in an assisted living facility? I don't know why this all ahs to fall on you guys.
Hang in there.
Thank you for the calm and kind reality check reasoning that women, and men need to hear.
I agree with you; if there wasn't a frugal lifestyle before, you would've had twice as hard of a time. This discussion reminds me of something my dental hygienist told me years ago when she was caring for her husband who suffered a devastating stroke and needed full support. As a result, she could only work part time. She was thankful that they'd lived a very frugal lifestyle, and could now care for her husband. She summed it up by saying, "Good thing we both like eating peanut butter sandwiches for all those years!"
I'm still sad that you didn't get the house because you put so much work into it. But you also didn't get the mortgage. And someday you'll have a better house, and you definitely got a much better life out of it.
What people don't understand is that often the wife who doesn't work outside the home has NO money saved to pay the lawyer and has a lot of legal debt to extricate themselves from the situation. That keeps many women in abusive marriages. I don't know what the solution is. Even my dear friend who was the one with a good income and largely supporting her abusive husband lost out in the divorce.
And also: I realized I truly do NOT want that house. There are so many traumatic memories tied up in that structure, and I think it would be hard to heal if I stayed there.
So although I was angry about it in the beginning, I am grateful now that I have a place to make a fresh start.
I am SO sorry that the divorce cost you so much money, Kristen. I appreciate all that you have shared in this post, and although I hate that you went through so much, I am thankful that your blog is here and that you have the freedom and happiness you deserve.
You write: And it is easy to wonder....what was the point of all those furniture rehabs, DIY repairs, home-cooked meals, mended clothing, second-hand shopping, and deal-finding?
As you know, many women are unable to leave because not only do they not have savings, they have no money of their own (Look at all those Trad wives today who have absolutely no access to their husband's income, etc and no income of their own and no legal documents to protect themselves. Just wait till those Trad husbands trade them in or just get rid of them via divorce.)
As costly as it was (Yikes!), it was as you said worth every penny even if you went into debt.
As bad as it was, it could have been so much worse financially and left you with less than nothing.
I applaud you for valuing your life enough to get the divorce. It may have been the single best thing you ever did for yourself and your children.
We are fortunate that legally, women (or in general, spouses, but it seems more likely to apply to women) are protected more than they used to be.
If someone's name is on an account, that person has a right to get statements. The hiding spouse might have created other accounts without the other's name, but your name on the account, you have access.
And retirement plans are protected with rules about how they are distributed to married people, or to people who were married when the accounts were being built. A spouse has to choose to refuse the retirement account payout.