stream of (foggy) consciousness
I've been sitting here at my keyboard for a while this morning, trying to decide what I want to write about.
Nothing cohesive has come to mind so I'm just gonna type. Fair warning: this isn't gonna be faintly organized.
Normally I write my posts the day before and schedule them to be published, but yesterday was an extremely long day and I crashed right into bed without typing a word here.
I feel like my brain is in something of a fog. And I know, I know, I know that this is temporary.
I will not always feel like this.
Some of the factors will resolve in the relatively near future....and then some of the fog will clear.
I was perusing some other blogs in my niche recently, looking at the projects the bloggers are doing, and I thought, "Oh, I used to be like that too, not so long ago."
And I know that I will be like that again.
It was a strange sensation, almost like peeking in on a club I used to be part of.
But for right now, in this little chapter of my life, there is only space for what is absolutely, positively necessary.
Which is why my poor little scuffed table is sitting there, not yet finished.
It's why my Five Frugal Things posts are just tiny little efforts lately.
There are so many kinds of exhaustion that can cause this, I think. There's being flat-out booked and busy. There's physical exhaustion. There's mental and emotional exhaustion.
And maybe when all of those are at play, all at the same time, it's just hard to do more than the bare minimum.
The current number of things on my plate would not be sustainable forever. But what keeps me going is hope; I hold onto the "This is temporary" thought like a lifeline.
I will not always feel this tired.
I will finish my scuffed table.
My brain will be full of fun and creative ideas again.
The fog is going to lift.
And I am hopeful that by even the start of next semester, life will be less foggy.
I don't know how to tie this up neatly. Hmm. Maybe I don't need to.
In the book, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, I remember the author saying that she was just going to put out her writing and trust that it would land where it needed to land.
But maybe it's more than that; maybe sometimes the writing is as much for the writer as it is for the reader.
And now I'm gonna go for a walk, for some temporary fog-clearing. 😉
I did a post like this yesterday, for similar reasons. But yours was much more cohesive than mine. 🙂 Here's hoping for a fog-free break for you, maybe during your semester break.
As a writer, yes, I know that sometimes you just have to put your work there and hope it does what you want. Of course, you have to be fairly thick skinned, because some people are going to hate your writing, hate what you have to say, and hate you. When I wrote my first book, sometimes I would have to talk myself off the ledge, because other people were much better qualified than I to write it. But I was the one who conceived the book, wrote the proposal, sold it and then wrote it. Not them--and lots of them were angry about it. But I loved the subject, loved the book and eventually told myself, well, I'll do my very best and then that's it.
I once wrote a short essay about my grandmother's house, and my mother didn't speak to me for almost an entire year because of it. It was affectionate and loving, in case you're wondering. Graham Greene said that a writer has to have a chip of ice in their heart. It's the truth.
@Rose, I am dying to know what you wrote!!
@Rose,
I also am very curious to read something longer than a few paragraphs.
How is your masterclass getting along?
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, Obscure art books. I am mulling over another one, although the memoir has to come first and so does actual paid work. IDK. I am so tired and envious of other people's peaceful lives. I feel like I'm not just on the struggle bus: I'm the driver. EXACT CHANGE ONLY PLEASE.
@JNL, I canceled it for now. I will get back to it in the new year. I can't cope right now.
@Rose, To write your truth you also need a warm blankie for your own comfort in addition to the chip of ice to steel yourself ! I, also would love to read your writing! I so enjoy it here!
@Rose, I, for one, am dying to know what you wrote about your grandmother's house, which would cause such a reaction! ☺☺People sure are strange....☺
@st, I wrote that you had to be careful in the cottage kitchen because of holes in the ancient linoleum, that my grandmother stole sheets from her laundry service* and that my great grandfather died of scandalous circumstances. Which offended my mother greatly. (It's actually about my great grandmother's house.)
First, you have to realize that my g-grandmother was and is my mother's favorite human of all time. The list goes Nana (as we call our grandmothers), my father, my older brother, my aunt, my sister (less of a pain than I am), my younger brother, and then finally, possibly me. Saying that her guest cottage was shabby was and is personally insulting to Mom, even though I also wrote that every stick of it was beloved. (It still exists, by the way, a few doors down from where I live now. And the people who own it still have some of my grandmother's furniture. Yes, I drop big hints all the time. In fact, I told them that once I considered stealing Nana's original doormat because I wanted it so much, but then decided it should stay where Nana left it. Then one day it was gone. We all laughed about it, while the current owners said "If you'd asked....!") So Mom "owns" Nana and I'm not allowed to have my own opinions about the house.
Also, Mom says Nana didn't steal sheets; they were "extras." OK. Maybe.
Three, my great grandfather did in fact have a heart attack and die while on top of his mistress on our beach. I thought it was OK to joke about it, given he died in 1945 and Nana died in 1981, but apparently not, it's NOT OK.
Four, my mother is a frustrated writer and jealous of me. Jealous of me for buying my house, jealous of me for being a writer, you name it. She was and is a very good mom but she never, ever understood me. (I am autistic. No one knew that or diagnosed it. I was just always considered weird and antisocial etc etc etc.)
So I let her read it before it was published and she lost it. I softened the wording a bit but it still made her furious. After that, I resolved I would never, ever ask anyone else's permission to write anything ever again.
*Which were the absolute best sheets of all time, and which we used exclusively not only out there, but also at our own home. I would pay $$$ to get sheets like that now. So crisp, so perfect. Plus, none of them were fitted so I can do a pretty mean hospital corner.
@Rose,
Oh, what an interesting story about your ancestors! So lively and entertaining. I understand why your mom would be upset, but we all need to learn that history is just...history, and is not necessarily a reflection on us or on the good characters of our ancestors. Thank you for sharing!!!
@st, I'm grateful to the current owners of Nana's house for taking such good care of it. Yes, they renovated it, but very sensitively. In fact, they left a scarred piece of the wooden floor there to respect the house's age. When I saw it, I was transported back and I was able to tell them that it came from a stray piece of coal that flipped out of the fireplace. Here's one of the owners.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Susan_N._Herman
I tend to feel completely unaccomplished next to them. Ah, who knows, if I weren't sick...
Since entering nursing school, Kristen, you have been putting forth super-human effort on all your endeavors. You need to stop, take a deep breath, and pat yourself on the back for achieving so much in so little time. You're passing your courses! You're almost 1/4 of the way through some difficult training! You're on your way to a fantastic new career and as a bonus, it's a career where you'll be helping people. If you need to skip a day on your blogging or turn it over to a guest author from time to time, your many devoted fans will absolutely understand. But please don't be down on yourself. Please don't be hard on yourself. You are doing great things, both small and large!
The funny thing is, I often say to my classmates: "Nursing school is actually the least stressful thing in my life." Ha. It is busy, yes, but it is not emotionally exhausting, and it makes me feel empowered, not defeated. But still...it will be nice to have a break soon!
Thank you for your kind encouragement. <3
@Kristen, It's great that nursing school makes you feel empowered especially since other life stresses are emotionally draining. You are doing great juggling everything, and a break is just around the corner. Hang in there!
@Fru-gal Lisa, yes, what you said! And you put it so well. Kristen, you're one of the most positive, upbeat and industrious, productive people I know of. I post very rarely, but I'm quite inspired by you, as I know we all are, and you've been going through all the departments of exhausting lately. It is completely OK to need a pause, to hold off the things that don't need immediate attention (that cute little table) and to be gentle with yourself. The fog will lift and I wish you bright and refreshing sunshine in the clearing!
Aww, thank you, Melanie.
@Kristen, You deserve our highest "Keep On Keeping On" honors. Hang in there!
@Fru-gal Lisa, Amen !
@Melanie, DITTO to everything you said!
I have had a rough year. A one foot in front of the other kind of year. I come here to find someone to stay in step with. Not really looking for kitchen reno, or DIY projects. Except for the ones that include people. Sometimes the little frugal things are the most important.
Oh, honey, so many of us can relate! I've been sick for a solid month with a sinus infection that won't quit, trying to settle my late brother's estate -- he was a hoarder, in debt, and left no life insurance, our 18-year-old cat is seriously ill, and then there's the rest of life. Last night I put a spoonful of turkey baby food in front of the cat and he turned his head away. Things are really bad when you get to the baby food diet stage with pets. I said, "Dude, you are making me ride the struggle bus. You have to eat something." He gave me that look, took a lick and decided it was okay. He ate. He's better today. We'll get through this. (((Hugs)))
Awww, Ruby. I'm so sorry that things have been tough for you. Sending you so much love!
@Ruby, I have that same stinkin' infection, but I've only completed 3 weeks now. Good grief Charlie Brown. You make me feel better because there is no one's estate to settle and my cats are healthy. Hang in there!!
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, today was my third trip to the doctor for it and they pulled out the big guns with a heavy duty antibiotic twice a day and five days of steroid tablets. I'm hoping this does the trick. The cat ate a little twice today -- yay! -- and seems happy. He's the best old boy.
@Kristen, thank you, sweetie. I think a lot about your persistence in tackling nursing school and just keep solving one problem at a time.
My sweet old kitty did eat twice today after I blenderized some sardines in baby food for him. (Yes, that smelled awful, even with my clogged up head, but he loves fish.) A stick blender is one of the world's great inventions. 😀
@Ruby, we were doing that for our dog, Remi, at the end. It was a huge struggle to get him to eat. WE were feeding him anything he would eat. It changed daily. Tons of $$$ in food waste (@the frugal girl cover your eyes) but we didn't want him to be hungry. It really was his way of letting us know that he was leaving us. 🙁 I'm glad you got your to eat. <3
Walking is good. I look forward to our Monday Morning Walk group to help jumpstart the week. It especially helps when I feel like I am going downhill.
Today I went for a guided walk with one of the organizations I have donated to. This afternoon I am going on a meditation walk with another organization I have donated to. Both places sponsor great trails in our area. On Sunday, my daughter and I did a charity walk (5k). The weather has been great for these walks--its chilly to start. Some mornings have been in the upper 20s and rising; but the sun has been out, birds are talking. Ice is forming. It's good.
In nursing school, do you have a semester break like college, or do you have work to do?
Kristen, I think the purpose of today's post is to say, "Hello Blog, I am alive, just barely, but still vertical and ventilating because this is stinkin' hard, I'm stretched to the point of popping apart, but this too shall pass."
And then we can all tell you thank you for your ongoing honesty, for showing us how real you are, for showing us how to persevere and not curl up in a fetal position with our thumbs in our mouths.
The projects will wait. The blog will wait. Nursing won't, getting unmarried won't, being a fabulous mom won't, but the rest will.
And don't be surprised if you get a bug during Christmas break. It happens. (Not wanting to discourage you, just wanting to prepare you.)
GO, KRISTEN, GO!! We love you!! (And some of us wish we lived near you to bring you dinner, sand your little table, run your errands, and vacuum if you request it.)
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have been sick during Christmas time, including a couple of times in college. I especially remember when I was sick the day of the departmental Statistics final exam. (Every business major at my large university had to take Statistics and this final.) My mother had to call my professor, and I got a break. Because of my grade during the course, he exempted me from having to take the final. (I now realize that was probably as much for his convenience as mine.)
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, you said what i have been thinking, only better!
Hang in there Kristen, it really, really does get better -- and you're "It" 🙂
Sending love to Kristen and everyone else here who's on the struggle bus (a great metaphor, BTW, Kristen). I'm enjoying a little island of peace at the moment: The year's first significant snow is on the ground; I've re-started a good book and may make it through this time; and I'm about to light a fire in the woodburner, which will make both Betty the cat and me happy--and will remind me warmly of my DH, who scavenged and split the wood. I wish all of you similar islands of peace.
P.S. to preceding: I just ran across a quote in this book (The Age of Overwhelm, by Laura van Dermoot Lipsky) that may resonate with many of you. The author quotes one Palmer Parker (founder of the Center for Courage and Renewal) as saying, "Wholeness does not mean perfection; it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life."
@A. Marie, You draw such an attractive picture that it compels me to stop doing laundry, make a cup of tea, and sit on the couch in a pool of sunshine with a good book and my geriatric dog, who will also be delighted..
@A. Marie, that is a very helpful quote. Thank you!
@A. Marie, Great quote. Thank you so much for sharing that.
You're definitely not alone. Google photos keeps feeding me pictures of the projects I used to do with my kids. These days, we don't have a lot of that - we're all busier than we used to be. I've been feeling a lot of nostalgia and wishes for "the way we were." The not-good side of it is that I find myself beating myself up a little over it - "why don't you make better food? Why don't you spend more time with the kids to develop hobbies? Why don't you ever take them anywhere cool anymore?" But the reality is...that's just not where were are right now. It'll change but for now, we're good. I'm glad you see that it's temporary, FG. There's only so much space given in our day and in our abilities. It's ok that some things need to be put on the backburner. The things that really matter always find their way back to the front of the line.
First of all, take care of yourself Kristen. Secondly: take good care. And then next: Take very good care of yourself.
Have a great walk ahead -
I have been an admirer of yours for several years in reading your blog and had only posted once before. You are under a tremendous amount of stress right now but you are shining in everything you do! I don't usually share this with people that don't know me personally, but five years ago I went through a difficult breast cancer journey (but in December I will be five years cancer free!) I feel comfortable telling this story here, however, and wanted to send along a phrase that my oncologist told me to focus on when I had rough days. "Just one thing". The phrase is simple, but yet it was incredibly helpful during my difficult times. Focus on "just one thing" that brings you joy in that moment...it could be a bird singing, a song on the radio, speaking to someone you love. And practice that focused thinking once each day. It's in the realm of your "thankful Thursday" posts, but just stopping at a particular moment in a difficult day and focusing on "just one thing" that brings happiness and joy really helped me. Just wanted to share in case that could help you or anyone going through difficult times. And know that brighter days are ahead.
@Allison, That's beautiful; thanks for passing along the inspiration!
And Kristen, I'm constantly amazed that you have the energy and vision to take on all kinds of extra projects. You have a special knack - creativity, drive, willingness to share - that adds so much value to life. I can't wait for you to be a nurse since that will expand your reach even more!
@Allison, Five years! That's great!
Welcome to the semester system! This is why professors and students need winter break and summer. Every year I swear my brain is mush by December and then again by May. And it sounds like you have a particularly heavy load this semester. Best wishes for rest soon!
Big hugs to you!! Went throught a similar phase at end of last year/begining of this year. Christmas was a blur, Jan and Feb were a blur. I barely took care of the essentials and everything else got ignored. One saying my mom and I traded back and forth was "This too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass." 🙂 And the phase did pass....and it did pass like a kidney stone...ha....but things are so much better this Christmas season. I wish for you a kidney-stone-free Christmas!
@Kris, my husband says "This too shall pass, like gas" 😉
@Elaine N, That's a good one!
@Kris, Yes, things do pass with bodily functions!
The Bible verses begin, "And it came to pass...", not "And it came to stay...".
The scuffed table already looks better, if that is any consolation!
A little Winnie the Pooh wisdom “Don’t underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.”
The art of waiting well is a hard lesson. Be gentle with yourself. Remember that our awesome community can help you in the hard times. Thank you for sharing your struggles, as my sweet Grandma always said "This too shall pass".
Hang in there. Great book by the way. I just finished it and enjoyed the way she just wrote what she was thinking about her ex husband and what if she wouldn't have snooped in his bag and found out he was cheating on her. She was a survivor and so are you.
@Hockeygrannie, what book??
Wasn't it so good? I liked the short essay style she chose for her book; it's kind of like blog posts!
Jana, it's You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith.
Walking always helps! And holiday break is coming- a little space on that front at least?
Kristen, your posts always inspire me! When I was in the 'fog' of my master's your encouragement helped me persevere and it's helped me with settling into my job. It's natural to feel this way - keep doing what you're doing!
It will pass, and the sunshine in your spirit will return. It's just a season...it's a rough and miserable season no doubt. I think the literal season doesn't help either (it always seems easier to be less burdened sitting in the sun and soaking up the warmth than walking in the wet and cold). I pray this all passes for you soon and you have a wonderful holiday season.
Kristen, you've got this.
When everything around you is big and woolly and the stuff inside your head is heavy, it can be very refreshing to do something completely useless to let those synapses recover. For me, it's drawing floorplans for houses that will never, ever be built, just using that imagination to let the mind roam. Maybe for you it's hours on the piano, or with the camera. (Of course, Jesus loves you all the time. And your blog community does, too.)
@Karen., I bet Kristen is wishing for hours to spend on the piano!
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, Oh, geez, when I typed that hours ago I knew it wouldn't be possible right away, but rather when all the stuff passes, but I got carried away with sharing the idea. Which I know is rarely helpful, even if it's human nature. *facepalm*
My piano IS getting pretty dusty. I will play it again soon!
I’d be interested in learning about some other blogs you (and other readers) like to check. I love that we get small updates here daily and would enjoy having blogs with similar messages to add to my rotation. Might make a quick post or a useful comment thread.
"This, too, shall pass." Words to live by. Or at least to help put one foot in front of the other, which can be a triumph all its own some days.
As a reader, I consider your content to be consistently high quality and have no complaints. I absolutely hate the phrase, "this too shall pass" but on those occasions when it is about the destination not the journey, it's a good mantra.
Taking a walk is good medicine for what ails you.
Juggling a lot of different and necessary things is hard! When I was trying to deal with the VA, get assistance for my husband's care, get assistance for my medication, coordinate his many doctors, care for my husband at home and still work full-time, I started carrying a big notebook with pockets for all the paperwork, memos and records in separate folders inside. It was the only way to maintain what little sanity I had at the time. I'm not superwoman; I can promise you I made mistakes and was not very even-tempered. I know so many who have that much or more on their plates at any given time, so I'm not special, either. But that time passed. It always passes. It may take a lot longer to pass than one hopes it will, but it passes.
Christmas can increase the pressure and I usually got sick at Christmas when I was working and returned to school. I knew stress was probably why I was sick, so I started simplifying the way we celebrated which has helped me a lot at the holidays and which I heartily recommend.
This semester will be over before you know it, Kristen. One more down, one less to go.
Kristen,
I hope the walk in the brisk weather this morning was helpful.
I sense that your marriage troubles will soon be a thing in your past and I hope that is the case.
Kristen,
Don't worry about writing the blog right now. Focus on your girls and completing your semester. We will be waiting when you reach your semester break.
Someone had mentioned having a guest blogger write a few posts in the meantime. That's a great idea.
Happy Holidays, all!
Beth B.
Kristen, your writing landed where it needed to land. I hope it is as much for you today as for us readers. One thing I really appreciate about your blog is that you consistently post. You don't stop when things are not picture perfect, you write about real life and don't pretend things are perfect. I've followed blogs in the past where the writing was beautiful, photos great, I looked forward to the next update and then...nothing. No here's what's going on in my life, no well wishes, nothing. So please keep writing, your team needs you.
@Elaine N, me too! The consistency is an excellent and rare thing, along with the straightforward honesty, not candy-coating, but never making excuses or whining either. Those blogs that just vanish are so disappointing, and Kristen never disappoints.
Kristen, with everything you currently have going on in your life , I am constantly amazed and impressed with your stamina! I also love how “real” you are … sharing when you’re feeling discouraged or weary or foggy. You’re going so well keeping all the plates spinning. I hope you get some much- needed breaks in which you can relax and refresh with friends, family and/or activities that bring you joy!
Much love to you, Kristen!
Darn good self-care.
My year has been difficult for a completely different reason of course and while they aren't anything close to the same, I can sympathize with broken dreams. Mine just has a lot less follow up work.
I used to be a lot more active in saving and DIY and stuff and now when I sit here with just one living child, the house hunting put on a possible permanent pause and nothing really of note to look forward so there's not really all that much to be proactive on. Yeah it sucks that groceries are so expensive so I'm just not buying stuff. It sucks that movies are terrible so I'm not going to see them.
On the flip side, I have no mortgage or car loans and a lot of other people seem to be in far worse shape than I am so I guess I can't really complain. Well I could complain but I shouldn't.
@Battra92, you and your wife had the most sorrowful year. It's a shame there's not a way to wish fie on a horrible year and banish it on New Year's Eve.
@Ruby, thanks for the support. It's something I've actually been lacking quite a bit in my life. But like all things you just gotta pick up your feet and walk forward. Not much else you can do.
The worst part about it was learning that a lot of people in my life whom I thought did care really didn't.
@Battra92, been there & many days still there. But keep moving. 🙂
@Battra92, "The worst part about it was learning that a lot of people in my life whom I thought did care really didn’t."
It's the worst, isn't it? I'm so sorry.
The one thing I will say (I've said it before) is that after news like you had, people don't know how to respond so they say nothing. It's entirely possible, even likely, that many more people do care--they just don't know how to express it. I have no sympathy or patience for those people any more, though.
@Rose, with the case of my side if family the responses we got were either "You just gotta get over it" or changing the subject immediately upon my son's mention.
People are so uncomfortable with loss and grief; many do not understand how to sit with someone in their sadness, or to validate the sadness.
But in my experience, when someone gets some validation and some space to grieve, that HELPS the grieving process along. Dismissiveness makes it hard to heal.
Sending you virtual love and care regarding the loss of your son. I can't be there in person, but know that I am sitting with you guys in your grief from over here. It's ok to be sad for as long as you need.
@Battra92, I am so sorry that you haven't been surrounded by people to love and support you and your family. Losing a child is something so hard to go through. So many people aren't able to put their thoughts into words, so they say nothing. Or they try to say nothing, but say a very wrong thing and make you feel even worse. Grief is never right or wrong, or ever over. I miscarried a baby 29 years ago, and even now, there are times I cry. You never stop thinking of how old your child would be now, what their personality would have been, etc. Sending you prayers for comfort and peace.
@Battra92, When I had a year of brutal surgeries (15!), the only thing that kept me going was to tell myself all I had to do at that moment was take one step and ignore all the steps that would come after it. That and rewatching favorite old movies...I hope the coming year is a better one for you and your family.
@Battra92, I'm the only one who mentions my brother who died to my mother. The only one. He lived to be 15 and no one mentions him except me and Mom, and Mom's not going to be around much longer. Granted, no one talks about the full-term stillbirth who preceded him, because what is there to say? "I'm glad you didn't die during the placenta abruptio, Mom"?
I'm sorry. Life is just really sucktacular a lot of the time.
@Battra92,
This has been a really rough year for you. One of the things I do when really down and feeling hopeless is watch old, not new, funny movies. I also get out into nature as much as I can. I hope you and your family find healing this next year.
@Battra92,
I once read that grief has no timeline. I agree with what @Rose and Kristen have said....people don't know what to say, so they say nothing - or as you mention, they try to make you "hurry up and get over" your grief. I, too, am sitting with you in your grief, and giving you space for all you are feeling.
@Battra92,
Sending hugs to you and your family.
Since you have a youngster, I thought I'd share a movie that my 9 year old nephew chose.
I think your family may enjoy it too. "Leo" is available on Netflix now. It is an Adam Sandler production. Leo is the class iguana. I thought it would be terrible. Our family ranged from 9-85 and all loved it. How can you not laugh when the cartoonists manage to give the substitute a cartoon wedgie that shows cellulite through her leggings?
Remind yourself that it’s only for NOW and not FOREVER. I had a fifth and seventh grader when I went back to school full time with a husband who had to travel to work. Meals? Check. Clean clothes? Check. Final exams? Also check. Thank heavens for breaks between quarters!
Kristen---BREATHE!
When you posted about upcoming court I felt you. That alone is enough to make your head spin. But you Wonder Woman have so much more that you do & do well. 🙂 I do hope that your court was at least informative. Do not try to rush through as it will not be in your best intrest because you can not do a redo.
Take a breath, another breath & more. Your brain is processing A Lot right at this time & you just need to stop & breathe to re-center yourself.
You can do this---better than you think.
I/We know you have sooo much going on at this particular moment in your life & have faith that you will make it through this. Sometimes when you have sooo much going on you just need to not do as much as you have been doing in order to catch your breath, and that's OK.
You are a natural born leader who just needs a reprieve, which is totally acceptable. Everyone does at some point. It will be ok.
@Regina, What a lovely and insightful compliment "A natural born leader"!
Kristen, you are a leader, (who happens to need some rest and recharge right now).
Thanks for this, Kristen! Right now I am taking care of my 2 year old grandson Monday through Friday 7 to 5. I am retirement age and I thought I would have a house that was toy and clutter free. That I would be traveling, hanging out with other retired folks, renting that apartment at the beach and doing all the "now I'm retired" things. But, as my husband reminds me, this is only temporary. I try to remember that not everyone gets to see or delight in their grandkids everyday and that I find such joy in this "rearranged" life. Most of the time, I'm successful. Sometimes I'm not. But someday he'll say "Gigi, I just want to hang out with my friends" and I'll have that time to do "all the things".
Kristen, I pray for you every time I think of you (which is often). You have handled many huge life changes with tremendous grace. I admire you so much. Keep giving yourself room to feel all the feels, to be down when you need to, and yes, remind yourself frequently that this too shall pass. You will be stronger than ever when all this is over!
The fog will clear eventually. In the meantime, just concentrate on what is important...the girls, school and your own mental health. Things like the posts and the table can wait. You've got this!!!
Between school and family issues, you've got a lot on your plate. Just take it one thing at a time, one moment at a time if you must. This WILL pass. You are setting yourself up for such a bright and wonderful future. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!
These words hit right where they were supposed to. Thank you.
There is a lot of hope to be found in knowing that the struggle season will end.
My family is in the newborn stage and at my 6 week postpartum the doctor talked with me about this for about 10 minutes.
It's funny you say that because as I wrote the post, one of things I was thinking of was how with my first baby, I had no concept of the idea that the newborn period would end, and life would get easier. I mean I knew it theoretically, but not really deep down. So, when I had my second baby, I had the gift of perspective. I knew that one day, babies stop being quite so needy 24 hours a day, one day they figure out how to sleep through the night, one day they get potty trained, and so on.
Your doctor is right. The newborn stage is hard, but it's not forever. One day you WILL get to sleep normally again. Hang in there, friend!
@Kristen, with my first, I was so, so stressed. Partially because my husband cheated on me for the first time when I was pregnant and came home with crabs (that was DELIGHTFUL! All I can say is that I loved him so, so much I didn't realize how badly he treated me) and also just because I'm an anxious type. But one day when the baby was eight months old, I thought to myself, "I DID IT! He's still alive!" and all the stress and tension melted away. I really enjoyed my second baby, who was so good and easygoing and slept through the night and smiled all the time.
Don't stress yourself out by putting pressure on yourself too, Rebekah. Now if I could only follow this sage advice myself.
Sending you love. I know how hard it is when all the various types of exhaustion converge into the perfect sh*#storm. The other day when I was bathing my son, I randomly sang an Eminem lyric "I guess that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. I love you too much to walk away though." And he looked at me completely seriously and said "Do you mean a lavando? That's what it's called." And I just had to laugh because I was like "oh, how strange that you came from me and you know things I don't." So, anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes life is just like a lavando-so completely crazy that you don't even know the word for it and all you can do is hang on and ride it out. The good news is that the scuffed table will wait for you. 😉
This landed well for me.
This cannot last forever.
I will be able to sleep one day.
I will be able to pay my bills comfortably one day.
It’s okay to have messiness and surviving-ness for now.
Sending you so much love, friend. I know this has been such a tough time for you too. This messy middle is just hard, hard, hard.
Kristen, I am holding you in my heart during this difficult time, and look forward with you to when it’s behind you. I agree with all of the admiration and sentiments expressed so well by this wonderful community.
I just want to add one thing: please have one or more persons with you at each phase of proceedings. Because when I’m in a situation that causes my head to fog up (or explode in anger) that is when I make mistakes or miss important things.
You may not have that problem but it never hurts to have advocates by your side in stressful situations for additional perspectives.
@Erika JS, LAWYERS. That's what they're for.
@Rose, For sure, and the best available. But I assume that Kristen has lawyers. I mean, have another layer of persons you can totally depend upon to talk through things, to remember which lawyer said what, to help you process the proceedings on a personal level. They can be trusted friends, family, etc. or, in this town, the county seat there is an organic alley NOVA. Network of Victim Assistants. They guide you through the proceedings, again, on a personal level. Translating what things mean, giving you confidence-like that.
Having worked with this group but only in helping to raise funds through art exhibitions I curated, I got to see their high level of expertise. And they don’t cost $$$$. In fact they’re free.
Maybe it's sort of like having a doula with you in the hospital!
I'm having a similar week over here and am grateful to read your post right now! You seem like such a strong and accomplished person that I find it refreshing and encouraging when you post about something vulnerable like this. It makes me feel less alone and down on myself. I think you have a great attitude and are approaching your challenging times in a smart way, making good efforts to care for your mental and physical health. I really appreciate you, your insights, and your blog!!
Aww, I'm glad you found it helpful. I hope next week is easier for you and me both!
Been there. Yes, foggy brain. Getting back an assignment and having to read it to see/remember what you said. Home late, fall on the bed, ask 10-year-old child to poke me if I fall asleep. Oh, no, run to Target for supplies needed for school tomorrow. Yes, I remember those days. They do end. Life does get better And you will not regret that you went through these days because you are working on your dream.
You're working on a very big, important project: yourself. And you're doing that by working on a big important project: nursing school. You darn well better give yourself grace about all the rest.
Loved this post!!
My heart goes out to you, Kristen. You are an extraordinary person dealing with extraordinary things. You have grace and guts which is a special combination. Today things are hard, but this too shall pass.
I've never commented before, although I have been a reader for years and years. But this post made me think of Wintering, by Katherine May, and if you haven't already read it, then it might resonate with you right now.
Dear Kristen, please know how well you are doing amidst all the divorce struggles and the school workload! I am impressed at how you still put out all the blog posts along the way. I actually love stream-of-consciousness posts anyway; they are among my favourites. Please give yourself some extra love today. When we are foggy we need that.
I love this post because it acknowledges exhaustion and a lot to do. I am in one of that phases of life and often so not acknowledge it which is harmful to myself. Reading you write about it was really good.
you're kind of awesome. ❤️
Writing is as much for me as it is for thee . . . writing [makes] an exact man, wrote Francis Bacon.
And you are also right-- many things that deplete our reserves do pass-- or we learn how to juggle them. I write to figure out what I think about aging, the times, and balance in a world I never saw coming -- and hopefully to be a goad without sounding like a toad.
Hang in there-- a walk really does a body good.
I am in grad school right now and this resonates deeply! We got this!
I didn't think it would be like this.
It will get better.
Emotional exhaustion is the hardest kind. It will get better, or at least get different! I'm in a good place right now, AND I remember times when I was where you are. Hang in there! You are an excellent writer and your message is always helpful to me, regardless of how "well planned" it is. I don't comment much but I've been a faithful reader for over a decade.
That is so true; I will take physical exhaustion any day over the emotional type!