Sometimes, I hate the internet. And I'm a part of what I hate.
This morning, someone told me how much she enjoyed our Christmas cookies.
(Understandable. Who could not love cookies with eyes??)
Then she mentioned something about how she hadn't even made cookies yet.
And I instantly thought about how, to someone reading my blog, it could appear that my Christmas plans are moving along just swimmingly.
On my Instagram, you see the cookies, our silly Christmas tree with googly eyes, the lights we put up, the happy smiles when we got hot chocolate.
Those things are true and real, of course.
But you do not see how many Christmas plans of ours got derailed this year.
Or how very, very behind on gift-buying I am.
Or how there is sadness in and around my life because of stories that are not mine to share.
I don't even know how to fix this perception problem on my own blog, much less on the whole internet.
I don't actually think that it IS fixable, because the internet can never be like real-life relationships.
The people close to me in real life see the real me; my warts, my flaws, my heartbreaks, my failings, my discouragements and all the other not-appropriate-for-the-internet aspects of my life.
But there's only so much that I can share online.
So, even with my best efforts to share what CAN be shared, I'm still left sharing something that's similar to a highlight reel.
Y'all, I know what it's like to look at someone else's highlight reel and feel discouraged. I think it's a universal human experience.
And I think this is especially common at Christmastime, where it looks like every other person in the world has
- a perfectly decorated home
- a neat, uncluttered, clean home
- beautiful, well-behaved children who are dressed neatly
- a perfectly happy marriage
- beautifully wrapped gifts
- smooth extended family relationships
- plenty of money to buy everything they need
- a busy social calendar full of fun and un-stressful events
For some reason at this time of year, we expect that we will have all of those things too, and man, expectations are so so often just planned disappointments.
So.
I am not an expert at avoiding the jealousy bug, but I thought I might share a few of the things I try to tell myself.
1. Most things on the internet are highlights.
If you collected the best moments of your life and put them together into a slideshow, you'd probably be able to make other people jealous.
And the same is true of other people's lives.
It's easy to be jealous of highlights.
2. Not everything you see on the internet is real.
Sometimes what you see isn't just a highlight reel; it's something not true at all.
We have all seen a couple bitterly break up, despite the many posts on social media about how great their relationship is.
And in this era of editing and face-tuning, we've seen how very different people look when we happen to see an uncurated, unfiltered photo or video of them.
(Or if we see them in real life vs. online.)
3. Everyone has problems.
There is not a person in this broken world who gets through life without difficulties and pain.
We may not SEE other people's problems, but they are there nonetheless.
I am not alone in my pain, and you are not alone either.
4. There are highlights in my own life.
Instead of focusing on other people's apparently perfect lives, it helps me to look for the highlights in my own life.
When I look at even the worst times of my life, I see mercies and blessings hidden in with the hard things. Sometimes, they are difficult to find, but if I look hard enough, they are always there.
The miserable things in my life always make themselves known to me without any effort on my part.
But the good things?
I have to make an effort to fix my gaze on those.
_________________
So. Those are the things I am doing my best to remind myself of, and I hope they are helpful to you!
And I hope that they help keep you from being discouraged when you read my blog or social media posts.
If you have advice for avoiding the comparison/jealousy bug, please do share in the comments.
P.S. Though I am a Christian, this is not a blog about my faith. So, I'm just adding in a postscript to say that another thing that helps me be contented with my life instead of longing for someone else's is this: trusting that God has wisely and carefully chosen this life for me, and that his grace will sustain me through it all.
I wish I had a profound response to your post today, but I don't. I would just like you to know that this is exactly what I needed to read in order to get myself out of a slump. And it will likely put a little pep in several other readers' steps. So, thank you. <3
Agree wholeheartedly with this comment!
Thank you for posting and reminding others to look inward for contentment and our own highlight reel. This can be a hard time of year and as the saying goes “comparison is the thief of joy”.
An absolute perfect post and the perfect time of the year to say it.
Thank you for this timely post. I've had a teary morning, sad and worried about things that are out of my control. Thanks for the reminder to focus on my sovereign God and his perfect plan. I do have MUCH to be thankful for!
Me too, friend. Me too. I wish I could give you a big hug. <3
If the comparison really starts to bother you sometimes it’s good to just take an internet break. I’ve taken breaks from Facebook before
Thank you for keeping it real! That is one thing that has kept me reading your blog for years. Simple positivity in the midst of real life that isn't always positive. Hope you have a blessed Christmas!
What a wonderful post! Thanks for reminding us that the internet is full of highlights, and that nobody's life is perfect. If it were, there would be no highlights!
I like that....if life was perfect, there would be no highlights! Can you imagine a life without highlights? Well said!
A teenaged friend of my daughter was saying that it was supposed to be the time of her life, and it just wasn't looking put that way. (Teen years)
I reminded her that if the term years were the high point of her life, what would be the point of living the rest of it? There will always be lows...and they make the highs so.much sweeter.
She really liked thinking on it. I felt like for once, I had really helped a teen.
Great post, and excellent reminders. For me, I look at jealousy as an indicator light. I may feel a flicker of brief jealousy that easily passes when I remember all the great things *I'm* up to. That's not a big deal. But if I'm feeling very deep jealousy that is distressing, there's probably something I'm not happy about in my own life. I don't really do yoga anymore but I remember that instructors would often say, "Keep your eyes on your own mat." If I am deeply jealous of what X person over there is doing, it probably means it's time to reflect on what is missing in my life - do I really want that thing they have / are doing / etc? Or is it something else?
Allison, I love that quote. I think "Keep your eyes on your own mat" could apply to just about anything!
And Kristen, your post is just what I needed today.
Love this post Kristen! Thanks for sharing!
I find it comforting to be in service to others. Recently, I began volunteering regularly at a local church here in San Francisco with myriad programs to make things better for those who are less fortunate at the moment. I can't quite put it into words, but this very simple two-hours-at-a-time commitment fills me with hope and purpose.
Well I'll be honest here about my life:
My house is a mess and how we got the tree up is a mystery.
My kid has been misbehaving a lot lately (so we've been struggling with that) although I do delight in her a lot. This noontime on my lunch break she helped me strip the beds and get them in the washing machine and that was nice.
All the wrapping on gifts from me can best be described as "Well, he tried his best, I guess."
My family call me when something is broken or something is wrong but endlessly post on Facebook all the wonderful things they are doing with my nephew but seem to never have time for my daughter.
I haven't been invited to a single Christmas event this year and the one we hosted had an attendance of zero.
If you haven't guessed, this has been a pretty difficult Christmas season.
I try to look at what we do have (a loving God, a couple of good jobs, a good marriage, the fact that I didn't lose hearing in my right ear like we feared, a smart kid, a nice church to go to) and try to separate myself from all the things I could just sit around and be miserable about. It doesn't always work but no one said life was easy, I guess.
I love your honesty. I'm sure if everyone was more open, we'd know lots of people were struggling like this. Tfs.
I love your description of your gift wrapping. I have wrapped exactly ONE gift so far. So you’re definitely ahead of me and I suspect, many others!
I look at it this way. If it looks perfect they will expect a perfect gift. So that makes it easier, I guess.
All the <3 to you and your sweet little family, Battra.
Battra, that's a hard list. My house isn't in great shape either, the tree isn't up at all (and all I need to do is take it down from the attic), wrapping ... well, I"m in the "tried my best, I guess" category as well. And kids. Kids can be so tough, and each phase is different.
Wishing you ... I'm not sure how to phrase my good wishes. Wishing you all the good, positive things, and my Grandma's blessing "May you get, not what you deserve, but all the good things you need."
I love your Grandma's blessing!
This is a late post, but wanted to say I am sorry for your sadness and hope you find serenity in the wonderful person you are.
Thank you for sharing this. I normally don’t have a hard time with the comparison and the highlight reels. This year it has been really bad and I’m super anxious about life in general. I’m hoping that a huge part of it is that I’m recovering from surgery and am taking a lot of meds. I hope that you and your family have a Merry Christmas!
Reading about other places and times helps me keep perspective.
Anyone who even has internet to look at, is fortunate beyond compare, with millions of people in the world today and throughout history.
Thank you, thank you! I so needed this today as I am still in bed procrastinating and wondering why I can’t get it together. Thankful that my God loves me as I am.
Thank you for this lovely post. I have just shared it on fb because I think the message is so important and worth hearing. I have a friend right now who is getting evicted - she's disabled and broke, in a <1% rental market - and who has been denied contact with her grandchildren. This Christmas is a painful and scary time. I look at what she sees of my life and realize it must look like a dream! I do try to share the other side of things too, as well as share what I can with her.
Something similar I do to remind myself to count my blessings is to realize there may come a day when I'm looking back on this time in my life with longing for it to be this way again. It really does put things into perspective.
Thanks for posting this. I have a disabled sister in the same situation and other family members who cant afford housing. I despair that this can be happening in our country and feel powerless. Don't know how to help for change....
Thank you for this, we are human, and it is good enough. Try not to compare someone else's outside life, their highlight reel, to your own inside life in possible turmoil. Most everyone has a secret/private life. We don't know the real reasons for their decisions, so try not to judge, as we wish not to be judged. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year 2020.
Keep on doing what you’re doing Kristen. I love your life highlights and have never felt like you glossed over the not so good stuff. Thank you for all your helpful hints and observations and especially turning me on to ATK and Cooks Illustrated. Merry Christmas to you and your family!
So true Kristen! We have to count our blessings and be thankful! No situation or life is perfect no matter how it seems. Just think...if you posted all negative things it would be depressing. I've found you do a good job with balance showing the positive and things to bring encouragement, without making your life seem perfect.
You're doing fine! God bless and Merry Christmas!! 🙂
Wonderfully said! I understand how you feel! Thank you for your honesty and your posts. I like your PS as I am a Christian great grandma.
My first attempt of the season at cookies was a complete failure. I felt the pressure/jealousy factor when I started receiving everyone's lovely holiday photo cards and I didn't get a chance to make Christmas cards in time. So I'm making new years cards instead. It's hard to keep things in perspective and not compare, so thank you, Kristen. Thanks for being real with your readers and providing encouragement; just reading the comments shows what a positive effect and source of encouragement your blog has been to so many.
Stephanie, I've given up trying to get cards in the mail before Christmas. I turn them into Happy New Year cards and am thrilled if they get postmarked before 12/31. Receiving cards after Christmas is fun, too!
Lol. I worked for the Post Office for years and never had time to do all those Christmas things including getting cards out in the mail. So I would start at Christmas time and make fancy Valentine's cards and send them out at the beginning of February. Many times they were even made with a Christmas theme. Most people found them to be hilarious and responded in kind. The thing is, just do what you can, and keep bailing!
I think this is a fabulous idea!
If it helps at all, I haven't sent out Christmas cards AT ALL since probably 2000 or 2001. I do not even try!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm so glad to hear this. I haven't sent any in many years either.
I never understood sending cards to people you see regularly. I usually just make a point of seeing them in December . And old far off relationships usually peter out on their own after a few years.
That's just my take, but everyone should do what makes them feel good.
As a long, long time reader and fan, I love how you keep it real. I also am trying to get over the same crud, so I know exactly how much you were not able to do of late;-) I also note that you write far less about your family's life these days. I hope that is because they are just becoming their own selves, and not that there are huge problems (because I wouldn't wish that on you, my beloved internet beacon.)
You are a special part of my life, a key player in my frugal mindfulness, you might say. I've enjoyed watching you and your family learn and grow and wish each of you all the best, always.
I do miss the days when my kids were all littler and I could write/photograph more freely. There's a reason so many mommy bloggers all have little kids...because when they get to be teens, it gets to be a lot harder to figure out what to write and what not to write. I know other bloggers like myself have experienced this shift as their kids got older...the wishing to share about the journey of parenting older children, but wanting to respect their privacy.
I really appreciate your sweet encouraging words!
From the moment I found your posts online, and your frugal wisdom, you are a blessing! I also have been very frugal so could absolutely relate. Things I have enjoyed and learned from you: if you need to purchase something decide if it needs to last for many years and buy good things. I like lands end coats and pjs so I wait for their 50% off coupons and get them. If someone else can and is willing to repair clothing, so should I be (I hate doing repairs or hemming) but my pile is now gone thanks to your encouragement! Probably the very best hint I use is to unbutton my husbands shirt collars before washing them and the collars always look nice now!! I smile every time I do laundry and thank God for you! I love how you love the Lord . Merry Christmas, even if everything is not done! Christ is born and it is all good!! Many blessings to you and your family ❤️
Aww, thank you for these encouraging words! <3
That was a lovely post. If anyone would like a chuckle at my expense, I only recently found out that there was such a thing as selfie filters. I spent some years thinking that everyone had perfect hair and skin but me! I'm not wishing adult acne or the frizzies on anyone, but it was a relief to find out I wasn't the only flawed person on the planet!
I'm only just finding out now! LOL. I had no idea. But I'm not on social media, so I don't need to filter much. 😉
I really appreciate this post. We are all living life which is full of many ups and downs. I saw one of your posts last week and thought I wish my house was as clean and uncluttered as the FG’s house, but then I remembered exactly what you said posts are just a highlight reel.
Thanks for expressing just what many of us are feeling this time of year. Around the holiday season I try to enjoy what I do and not try to worry about what doesn’t get done. I love sending out Christmas cards, but I get overwhelmed with baking. This year my 12 year old baked mini chocolate/peppermint cakes from a Trader Joe’s mix for our neighbors and it was great. He had fun, we were able to share with others and I didn’t stress out about it. Thanks again for all you do! Merry Christmas.
I'm a writer, though not a blogger, and I specialize in warts-and-all memoirs. If it involved me, I write about it. I don't think "oh that's someone else's story." It's part of my story too. So I write about my son's travails and my daughter's issues and my mother's suicide attempt, etc. That's life. It's real. It's not Instagram.
Sharing sadness and badness is a way to come across as real and relatable. That said, this is an issue writers have been struggling with since the dawn of time*. I like your blog, and appreciate the way you're not smug at all, unlike many bloggers.
*Graham Greene said the heart of a writer must have a splinter of ice in it.
Whenever I read memoirs, I always think of how the author must have wrestled with what to include and what not to include, particularly if family members are still living. For instance, Tara Westover's Educated...her family members are all still living, and so she knew they would read the negative things she wrote about them.
Have you ever read Truman Capote's "La Cote Basque, 1965"? It's masterfully written (as is all his stuff) but his society friends shunned him after it was printed in 1975 and it more or less ended his career. Later, he said things like, "I'm a writer; what did they expect?" It's brutal, as every single character is based on a real, easily identifiable person, but amazingly written.
https://classic.esquire.com/article/1975/11/1/la-cote-basque
you are enough , you made me laugh , I can relate thankyou.
My sister and I tell each other a lot....YOU ARE ENOUGH. I AM ENOUGH. WE ARE ENOUGH.
Lots of hurts in our family at holiday time. Thank you for reminding me of my fave quote!
World is full of both joyfulness and sadness. I feel like the news are so focused on all the negative things in the world and scrolling internet would be so depressing without "look at this great things in my life" type of blogs to balance things out. So thank you for your posts even though they might not paint the whole picture.
I admire that you have a filter; I've seen so many people post personal things about friends/family that I would consider to be a betrayal of that friend/family member. On my little blog, that's why I rarely post pictures of my children; I usually ask their permission first. I also try not to post stories about them which would be embarrassing. People just need to have a filter like yours more often.
As for being ready for Christmas, the only thing we've done is get most of the gifts done (but not all!). No tree, no cookies made, no other decorating, no caroling, no cards, no nothing. Instead we're dealing with a big bout of sickness in our house, a big vision issue diagnosis, and figuring out what our Christmas will look like without my mother. BUT we have been sliding in an Advent verse each day (even if we don't get to a hymn and advent wreath lighting); and after all, it is Advent, and there are 12 days of Christmas to do all those other things, right?
God bless you and yours. I still love your cookies.
Goodness, thank you for this post. It’s just what I needed to read after opening a mailbox full of Christmas cards with perfect photos. I haven’t even gotten around to making holiday cards, and to be honest I’m not even in the mood to make them this year. I was just thinking how everyone else is so much more “together” than I am. Thank you for the reality check!
I have a slip of paper in my wallet that I cut out of a magazine. It reads: "Be kinder than is necessary because everyone you meet us fighting some kind of battle." Never more true than during the holiday season when the bar of expectations and perfection is so high and the perception of self can be so low.
When I was a young mother, before internet, I had this problem from reading magazine or even decorating/how to books at the library. It's not an internet problem it's a heart problem.
I finally put myself on a sabbatical from decorating magazines & books. I just focused on what I had. I looked for ways to appreciate & update what I had without spending any money.
I don't struggle with this like I did then. Maybe it's my age? I've lived through enough super hard things to be very grateful for the good in my life. But I think the best antidote for jealousy is service. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, food bank, a children's home, a hospital, an animal shelter, a nursing home.....look for people in your neighborhood to serve...the elderly, single parents, overwhelmed moms. Even if we ourselves are in some of those hard places we still need to serve. We need to find ways to put others before ourselves & actually see their struggles to appreciate the good we do have. I don't do this enough.
Jenny--me too! When I was in my 20s, I had an epiphany of sorts. I was a magazine junkie, both for how-to-improve-your-decorating as well as how-to-improve-yourself. One day while perusing a favorite magazine, I noticed that all of the magazines had an article in them about "How to like yourself better" sandwiched in between "How to be thinner", "How to have better hair" and "How to get guys to like you". After reading articles and looking at pictures aimed at telling me that I wasn't good enough, of course I felt the need for something to boost my self esteem. A light bulb went off and while I didn't totally stop reading them, I did let up on it and cut myself some slack when my life didn't measure up.
At this stage of my life, I've lived through my father's dementia and death, and 2018 was an absolutely awful year in terms of my mother's health. Trying to juggle raising 2 teens and working and marriage and church was completely overwhelming. This year I am SO grateful for my mother's improved health and for not feeling completely overwhelmed and my mindset is that what I get to, I get to, what doesn't get done probably wasn't that important to begin with, and I am appreciative of a quiet season in my life. So MUCH of what we pressure ourselves with in the Christmas season really isn't all that important in the big scheme of things.
I think it's good to balance. You share the good and once in a while you share some reality too.
Thank you for the honest post! hugs.
Bravo well said I too have had people say to me about my blog that they envy me. We all have our problems and we all struggle. I have made a few adjustments to make life easier. We do not watch the national news and get only what we want from the local news and off it goes. We play music instead. I have to be productive on something that does not include work. It may be house work or it may be a craft.
This time last year our family was in a pit of worry and fear.Our grown son had been diagnosed with melanoma and our beloved kitty,Noah, died at only age 7 from a sudden liver tumor. My Faith was tested with our son's illness. Our family had to cancel 2 different trips we had planned long in advance. I was in no mood to make cookies or buy presents, but we somehow muddled through the holidays and after surgery in early January, our son recovered, with a lot of emotional issues that had to be sorted out,too,related to his diagnosis and need for careful follow up care for a number of years.
This year life is much smoother. I'm still low key, baking some, socializing only a little. Very grateful for good health and not too many bumps in the road (for now..)
I post uplifting posts on facebook.I can't share details of other people's lives that are not mine to share, as you say.. and I like staying in touch friends.So I post highlights, and share the good stuff, but not much of the worries.
I don't post how sad I am off and on during holidays, because I have so very little extended family.. (I am an only child) and that I wish my husband's family included us in more events during the holidays. A pain I've lived with for years. I post the happy events I get to attend with my friends and clubs, and the things my son and husband and I do together.
So, I don't get jealous much when I see happy posts and blogs.. I am grateful to be uplifted!! And I know each and every one of us has ups downs and in betweens.That we all struggle with family issues, personal issues,doubts,fears, and yes, we have incredible moments of Joy and happiness sprinkled in too..and that is the part most people share.
And like you,I believe we get a life we are destined for, that there is a greater power at work and there is no point in ever wishing we had another's life experiences..
So, I hope you and your family muddle through the worries, and enjoy the heck out of every single happy hot chocolate moment! I love that you share the happy times! And, I never assume anyone has a completely white picket fence life..
So glad your son is doing well, and that this year is better than last! So true -- no completely whit picket fence lives out there, no matter what the internet would have us believe.
I love this post! No one's life is completely together and everyone has difficulties in their families. Pray and faith are what get me through the hard times.
So appreciate this lovely post! And I've never, ever seen smugness or snide better-than-thou-ism here -- quite the opposite. Your kindness and encouragement are reflected in your readers' comments, across the board. You can see it in how happy we all are to cop to our fails and misses without fear of put-down or reproach -- mostly because you are never afraid to share the misses along with the hits. We come to encourage and be encouraged and to laugh a little at ourselves. You have created that rare thing on the internet -- a safe honest space.. I appreciate so much your consistent concern about appearing perfect and lack of judgment. The Frugal Girl is aspirational in all the positive ways -- we can do this! Or, if we can't, it's okay! Or, here is what worked for me -- might not work for you! Baby steps, people! Here are some suggestions! Does anyone have a suggestion? and my favorite -- the perfect is the enemy of the good!
And your words about specifically counting our blessings -- priceless -- and could not be better said. I need to print it and hang it above my sink. Merry, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and your family and to all the kind people who "congregate" here!
Remember the Christmas letters that came in Christmas cards? This was before cell phones and when talking long distance was expensive. So the Christmas letters once a year was pretty much how you kept in touch with people who were not close or family.
When these letters arrived I was excited but also had a sense of dread because the letters were full of how their children were astronauts or neurosurgeons. And the family had jetted off to Europe for vacation.
By the time I finished reading the letter I was so depressed and wondered why my family and I even bothered to get out of bed in the morning.
When I joined facebook and started reading everyone's posts I thought good grief this is like a continuous Christmas letter. I went to facebook very seldom.
So true!! And now it's 24-7 -- with video feed and selfie. I never joined facebook and no regrets. I guess that makes me a grinch.
Forgot to say -- YES did not even want to get up in the morning after some of those letters! It just feels like social media puts folks' natural inclination to put their best foot forward on steroids -- Every child a stunning astronaut or neurosurgeon! Every vacation a world wide tour! Every job a magnificent tour de force at the nexus of passion and payola! Ugh I feel tired just typing this. And I do like my little life -- it's up and down and has the people I love and it's mine. I love that that is the message here.
Priskill, I also never joined Facebook--or any other social media. And no regrets here! I've never taken a selfie, because that's the last thing I want to see. LOL. I'm old school and fine with that.
Mary in VA: You mean you remember when cameras had film? And you had to wait a week or so to have pictures developed to see if they turned out? And the film might have been in the camera for several months before you finished it? And my mother-in-law had several photos of her finger on each roll?
I miss those days sometimes.
Hah -- that is me ALL OVER! And no regrets, either.
I agree about those Christmas letters---they always make everyone's life look perfect (I never joined Facebook, kind of because of that). I actually wrote my first holiday letter last year, but I did it a little differently, as I explained at the top of the letter: I wrote it in "traditional" style, but then in parentheses I wrote how things really were (but in a humorous way). As in: Our new puppy has been an absolute delight, and recently graduated top of her class from a prestigious training academy (also known as the local PetSmart, where she peed on the floor every single time we walked in the door, and she was in a puppy class of one!). I got a lot of positive feedback on that letter, with a lot people telling me it was the best one they ever received! 🙂 I tried to keep it real, but still positive.
Aw that sounds hilarious! And refreshing!!
Love this post so much!
Hi Everyone, Thank you Kristen for this post. I am glad that I'm not alone in feeling this way. It seemsthis year has been a test for many of us. Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and a Blessed New Year.
I so appreciate your blog, Kristen! It consistently encourages me!
One thing that helps me fight jealousy is having a group of friends that I know deeply. Our church life group has 6 families and 5 of us have been meeting together for 4 years. The other ladies all have little kids at home like I do. They know that I don't have it all together and I know that they don't either. We're constantly prioritizing and making choices because we can't do it all. So sure, it looks great when I spend a day canning applesauce for my family, but I also know that it means I'm getting behind on laundry and it will probably take my kitchen 2 days to recover. So while my friends may be rock stars in one area, I know that there's also an area of life that's struggling or not getting the same attention as something else. My friends are amazing women and truly special people... But if even they can't (or I can't) do it all, then there's no way anybody else is either. If I was isolated it would be easy to think it was just me with a problem. But knowing people intimately shows how we all have victories and struggles. I hope that makes sense... It does in my head. 😉
Thank you for this. It was the reminder I needed in this busy season.
I believe that the internet comparison bug existed before the internet. Such as in school, i longed to be the "prettiest" girl who seened to be rich and had nice stuff. Then college where I envied those who seemed to understand the hard classes without cracking a book, etc...etc. We don't always see the whole story in real life. I take comfort in the fact that God made me the way I am and has a plan for me.
Thank you for your vulnerable and direct post. I took six weeks off Facebook when my personal life was heavy to carry after sharing with my "friends" the why and how of my decision. In the weeks I have been back I filtered my feed to meet my realistic needs of uplifting guidance and practical sharing. Your blog and community is still on my daily radar. I just want you to know I appreciate your sharing and honesty.
I understand completely. The written word does not contain inflections etc. It is easy to misread something. My life is so far from perfect. I am panicking because I cannot afford Christmas gifts and have been planing and buying for months and months. However somehow I will get it together.
God bless and may your Christmas be perfect in that you have have family and friends and the message of the season in your hearts,
Three thoughts:
1) I totally get this. Although it would be laughable to call my blog unrealistic (I mean, I post totally unedited photos because I don't know how to edit them, and the subjects are things like giant sweet potatoes or my kitchen covered in soot because my husband had to dismantle our woodstove pipe), I really appreciate the fact that my readers seem to find my life interesting, you know? It's an ego boost on days when I know I am definitely NOT the world's greatest mom to share that we took our kids on a (long, grueling, often-not-fun) cross-country camping trip and then see the comments from people who think that is an important and worthwhile thing to have done with our children. I shouldn't NEED that validation, but it sure is nice sometimes.
2) Anyone want to feel better about their Christmas prep? We don't even have a tree yet. I put up exactly four decorations. I never make cookies. I wrap all my kids' presents in the brown paper that comes in Walmart shipping boxes, or bags I've saved from the year before. I never send Christmas cards. We have two family birthdays the week before Christmas, and I can't find the birthday banner, the candles, or the will to do anything very elaborate. This week is spirit week at the school where I work, and I have absolutely nothing to wear for the cowboy Christmas day (I've never felt a great lack of holiday sweaters until becoming a teacher). And despite all that, my children are excited for Christmas and will be thrilled when the day comes. I always say low expectations are a parent's best friend. 🙂
3) Lastly, reading between the lines of this post: I wish for you, Kristen, peace at this holiday season, and always. I'm sorry for whatever troubles you are experiencing.
Ah, you always put your finger right on it and make me laugh. Cowboy Christmas - ye gads! Maybe you need to arrive on a horse. That would make for chat in the teacher's lounge. I feel cheered just reading this.
We stopped buying Christmas trees years ago. These days I just go to Walmart or Home Depot and buy lots of giant poinsettias and place them around the house. They look beautiful, put us in the holiday spirit, and last long after the holidays are over!
In what I thought would be the best Christmas in some time I find myself in the midst of a divorce after 40 years of marriage. It's hard looking around and seeing other families seemingly having a perfect Christmas. Yet I know that not one of them would call their lives perfect. God is so faithful especially in the really hard, difficult days. And this is the season that we celebrate His goodness and mercy for us. I love your blog and read it faithfully. Thank you for sharing.
Lisa, I hope you have friends and some family for support during this really hard time .I am sorry you have to be going through this. I pray you find some joy and peace in reading some of the funny crazy stuff people go through during holidays.Hang in there.
I finally set up a gratitude app on my phone that reminds me to be thankful for 3 things each night. Practicing gratitude is always my combat to comparison, it's amazing what a change it makes in my life! Been reading all the books about it, so many great resources out there to get started!
I too trust God. I am naturally pretty in jealous and satisfied. Of this I am eternally grateful. Do I wish my life to frvfinancially easier at times? HECK YES but we are doing okay!
I meant naturally pretty UNJEALOUS and satisfied.
I've never been commented before...always been more of a lurker...but thank you for this amazing post.
Aww, I'm so glad you poked your head up for a comment. 🙂
Don't feel like you are a part of what you hate, Kristen. Know that your posts have always been very uplifting and kind, and I think that attitude makes a big difference in how people perceive someone else's good fortunes.
I am reading this while a repair man is replacing our furnace for $4000, while my older son is battling severe anxiety and depression instead of applying for college in his senior year of high school, and while my younger twins are both draining mine and my husband's energy and spirits with their ADHD and ongoing oppositional behavior. Christmas time is always very difficult for me emotionally because my family is overseas and we can't afford the travel to spend it together. I post highlights or beautiful nature photos on Facebook partly to remind myself that life can be beautiful, and I love looking back at those memories when I feel down, or if I post about something hard, about how we got over that period. I hope they way I post does not make anyone else feel down, however.
Sending you so many hugs. I'm sorry Christmas is hard for you.
Thank you, Kristen <3 And I do feel very fortunate in many other ways.
Kristina, that is a ton on your plate. I've written and deleted many responses - none of them sounded right. Please keep your head up, and best of wishes for you and your family.
This is why I’m not on Pinterest. I can’t live up to that so there’s no need to make myself feel bad about it.
I don’t do Pinterest either.Geezz..who has time for all that.FB. Is a bad enough time suck! We have way too many avenues showing and telling Us how to live a better improved life..or a perfectly curated one.Personally,I’m not going to fold my panties or throw out my beloved books because some ocd author tells me too..I think we have forgotten the art of live and let live.Of joy in ORDINARY life!! I feel so blessed by a good cup of coffee and knowing my ironing is done, this morning,lol!!!
The positivity is one of the things I LOVE about reading your blog! It's so easy to get caught up in all the bad things that are happening or the negativity coming from others (I read your blog at the office) that it is so nice to read about good things happening. It feels better to celebrate the fun things that are happening for others than focus on all the things I have to do one my mile long to-do list!
Not only is the internet a "highlight reel" but something that I've recently realized is that people with bigger followings (on Instagram, in particular), have what I think of as "stock photos" of their home. So what they are sharing is a picture that is indeed their real house but it isn't real time. Another thing I have become aware of recently is that some people hire photographers...so of course their pictures are going to look perfect! However, these things don't stop me from following people. It just helps with my perspective.
I love this blog, because it seems so real and relatable! I think there's a real difference between putting your best foot forward and being positive (even in the face of adversity), and curating your online life so that it's almost untrue and unrecognizable. I get lots of ideas here, and even when I don't use them, I still enjoy reading them. I don't celebrate Christmas, but that doesn't mean I can't still enjoy reading about someone else's decorations or traditions. I know that everyone has private problems and angst, but I like that I'm uplifted and informed by your posts, and by the nice community here. The world seems so mean lately, and I have a lot of respect for those who comport themselves with dignity, kindness and respect, as I see here every day.
Awesome post. I have my tree & my wreath up because I leave them up year round. So I guess I’m technically ahead of the game. Ha ha. Those are my positives!
This year the tree got up, but none of the other Christmas decorations were put out. And for the first time in my adult life, I am not sending Christmas cards. I was also late in finishing my shopping. Today I am mailing gifts that don't have bows on them (in the past, I always took pride in wrapping beautiful gifts with handmade bows). But I am finally to a point in my life where I accept that not everything gets done, that expectations are not always met, and what it means to do my best varies greatly from day to day.
Yesterday, after venting about work, a coworker in her late 50s burst into tears and said she was sorry, Christmas was always hard for her because she had a difficult childhood, and she would be in a better mood in the new year. It reminded me that Christmas is not always a happy time for everybody. It also made me grateful for what I have: happy memories of my childhood Christmases, money enough for food and gifts, a decent job, friends and family.
Pinterest-worthy holiday décor and beautifully wrapped gifts are so far down the list are just so far down the list of what is important.
Aww, I am so sad for your co-worker. I wish I could give a big hug to everyone who's struggling. I'm sure you did a good job of listening to her, though.
My house is not Instagram ready ever. We live here. The kitchen looks like a work space not a show place.
Can I say this out loud? I really hate wrapping. Bags are a blessing!
The tree is up and three ornaments have made it on.
Cookies not yet. Maybe, maybe not. Thank God for Bakeries!
I gave up on Christmas cards when Mom's health went bad. I'm okay with not going back.
My daughter is doing great in college. Yeah!
This is the first Christmas without my Mom, which is very sad and I can start crying over nothing. That said, the last few Christmas's (sp?) when my Mom was alive were very difficult. Her physical and mental health was a mess. Strokes. In many ways, I lost her in 2017. So with that background there is a sense of peace in her loss.
The dog is cute.
Core family is good. Extended family... well, not so much.
I wouldn't go a single day without God and prayer.
Sorry for the loss of your mother. it is a difficult time.
I wish people wouldnt put so much pressure on themselves. We dont have a tree, I have zero decorations up, and have sent zero cards. The only gifts I got were for the kids in the family. I dont feel bad about any of this! I am looking forward to having time off to spend with family and friends and for my babies to enjoy time with their grandparents. Growing up we always had very relaxed Christmases so maybe thats why I dont feel obliged. I already have enough to do with my job and wrangling my babies!
Joy is not a given. You choose to be joyful.
"I don’t even know how to fix this perception problem on my own blog, much less on the whole internet.I don’t actually think that it IS fixable, because the internet can never be like real-life relationships."
A big part of the problem is that many people nowadays have the vast majority of their social interaction via the internet, apps on their phones, etc. They are busy trying to get likes and positive comments on their posts and wasting time comparing themselves to others. It is silly really to compare oneself to someone on the internet that you have never met and have no idea what is real and what isn't. Anyone with any common sense knows that life is not perfect!
It is sad that some people get so down and out about simple things like being behind on decorating for a holiday. Be happy you have the ability to decorate for a holiday without being persecuted for it. Be happy you have a home, as many do not. Be happy you are able to read, as many are not for lack of education or disability. Be happy if you have a loved one to share your time with, as many do not. Be happy even if you are alone, because your happiness is your responsibility not anyone else's. Others writing about their life can only bring you down if you choose to let it do so. If you need to feel more accomplished or better off than someone else to be happy, what does that say about you? I'll never understand why some people spend hours and hours on social sites or blogs when it just depresses them.
I'm not sure why or how to explain it, but this post was so honest and real in such a human, level-the-playing-field, lower-the-masks-that-separate-us-all way, I feel teary, like I need a good, cathartic cry because someone just took my heavy load that I wasn't sure anyone knew I was carrying. The same way I feel when I hear Mr. Rogers say that he likes me (or anyone) just the way I am. It feels so real and human and heart-touching. The comment section is like a circle of people holding hands and encouraging one another in our mutual brokenness.
I struggle so much with things that make everyday life hard. My marriage is going through a rocky time, my extended family doesn't seem to like us much right now, we feel we may need a new church but are daunted at the prospect of finding a new one, our second child is struggling with issues of obedience/lying and we aren't sure how to handle it, I still have so many gifts to buy, and my long-standing issue of depression has been worse lately. Discouragement is always threatening to overtake me.
My daily strength comes from God's word, continuing to preach the gospel to myself, and remembering that God was God long before I ever existed, and He will never let me go.
Thanks for this post. Sometimes we need to just be real and let each other know that we all struggle. <3
Sarabeth, that is a large load you are carrying. It seems that the times we're "supposed" to be happy, make the load seem that much heavier. Short, dark winter days don't help either. I hope things get better for you.
Sorry for you troubles. May 2020 lift some of the burden and bring in some light. I have been through most of the things you are describing---and there is the other side...someday.
FG, thank you for continuing to keep it real while keeping it positive. You have a true gift for that. I think it's clear that we appreciate the opportunity to see another side of your reality and to share some of ours as well.
I have many things to be thankful for and yet the burdens sometimes feel so heavy. Some have been going on for years and more years to go to a fix - if ever. That can be discouraging even as I know that many other challenges I have been struggling with, are on the way to resolution.
I am grateful that I have choices and resources.
I am grateful that I have endurance.
I am grateful that I am old enough to know that my choices are to either give up or to push forward, and to know that I have the endurance to make the push.
I wish I knew how to recognize when I don't need to take on the challenge. There's one very large problem that I could either do an enormous amount of work to address, or sidestep it by making a major (scary, possibly welcome) life change. But making that change feels like copping out.
Just want to say how much your responses reflect kindness and encouragement to folks. True kindness. I hope the new year brings guidance for your issue.
Thank you. I am getting guidance; part of that is learning to validate folks (others and myself) better and earlier; so your comment means a lot to me.
I agree; I always look for your comments and replies.
Where do you get the eyes for the cookies? I assume they are edu Le.
That should read edible - not edu!!
Yes, they are edible! I usually buy them at a store like Michael's, in the cake decorating section.
This is a beautiful, thoughtful post.
One thing that the people I'm closest to (my surrogate mom, my life mentor, etc) and I agree on: Jealousy is a mirror of your feelings for yourself and your own life. It's nothing to do with the people you're jealous of, so if we feel it, it tells us something about the state of our own contentment.
None of us are immune but being aware of it in that way truly helps push me to reflect on what I would like to see improved in my life such that I would no longer have room for envy.
It helps me enjoy other people's Christmas cookies that are gorgeously decorated (for an example) even though I don't have the time or energy to do them myself, nor can I even eat them! That latter one remains an unresolved issue and I'm not ashamed of being envious that other people can eat loads of cookies without paying for it with massive amounts of pain. There's nothing constructive I can do about that one right now, alas, since I'm not willing to do all the work of experimenting in baking right now.
This is so astute about jealousy -- thanks for the reminder!
So true! I love this. I didn't get to comment yesterday because I had just had to hospitalize my husband for another infection! And a grandchild just got strep! Merry Christmas to my family.
I feel very familiar with the Imperfect Life, and one reason I read this blog is because there are other imperfect lives here.
Envy can eat one's soul. I grew up in a rather poor (in U.S. standards) family, so I had a history of being somewhat envious. Then I realized that the friend I had down the street, the one who always had the new, neat toys --she had a sleek "racer" bike while I had the hand-me-down bike my dad had built for my oldest sibling out of bike parts he scavenged-- also had to share a room with her parents because she lived in a two bedroom house and her brother got the other bedroom. And her mother whipped her with a switch for infractions until her legs bled. And her brother bullied her. That dried up my envy.
It used to be certain Christmas letters. John and Marsha would send letters telling us how John, Jr. got accepted at Stanford after his senior year of high school as valedictorian and football star, while daughter Mary was finishing Medical school in between her mission trips and flying visit to NYC to accept an award. There was no mention that John, Jr. had already fathered two children with two different girls, and the shoplifting charge against him was thankfully dropped, or that Mary was getting brownie points for those mission trips and she actually cared none for the people she was supposed to help, while her award likely came from her overly-close relationship with the middle-aged chairman of the foundation giving the awards.
These days we get it on the internet from everywhere. Thank you, Kristen, for keeping it real!
Oh, girl. You guys have been THROUGH IT with the health issues this year. Hugs to you.
Thank you for this post. It means a lot. I have seen you writ this sentiment before, but it is so powerful, "Or how there is sadness in and around my life because of stories that are not mine to share." Thank you for saying this.
Love and light to you:)
Yes, this is definitely a theme of multiple posts I've written. I need reminding of it every so often, and I figure other people probably do too at this time of year!
It's so easy to listen to myself (pity party) rather than talking to myself (look for the good, be in the moment, trust the Lord, etc.)
And once again, Kristen, look at all the beauty in these comments. Best place on the internet. Thank you for cultivating this space.
Seriously, isn't that true? So many lovely people gathered into one place.
And that's an especially big blessing when you look at the dumpster fire that so many comment sections are.
One of my favourite scriptures is in Lamentations 3, starting about verse 19. It says, "Remember my affliction and my bitterness, the wormwood and the gall!" I have a paraphrase for verse 20: I continually think about it and it puts me in a bad mood.
Then comes this (v. 21 etc): BUT this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."
I recently realized that the reason that God's mercies are new every morning is because I need them to be! I'm very thankful that this is so.
It was at this time of the year back in 1980 that God really got on my case about Jesus - why were we still singing about something that happened a couple thousand years ago? I had always been on board with God the Father, but Jesus made me uncomfortable (I didn't want to be responsible for the horrid things he had to endure). In June of '81 I asked Jesus to be my Saviour and Lord and then it was learning time. About thirty years later I realized I really didn't know very much (though at one time I was sure I knew everything!!!!). And yes, this realization came with a lot of pain. I realized that I really couldn't blame anyone who wanted to end it all (hence my appreciation for Lamentations Chapter 3). Psalm 119 became my prayer - yes, all of it. I'm glad to report that it worked and I'm getting more adept at getting daily encouragement from the Bible and the faithfulness of God is indeed great! As I look at life in light of the Word of God, I appreciate that I have a choice every time: I can choose to get worked up over things (or people, ahem) and be in a bad mood or I can remember the mercies of the Lord and think about how blessed I really am, thanks to Jesus.
I really appreciate this blog and all the sharing we do.
Saying, "merry Christmas" with love and hugs!
Thank you so much for this post. I love the insight you share and your ability to keep things real. I wish peace to you and your family, Kristen, and all of us here as we experience our own personal struggles and joys.
What great advice. I don’t share a lot of personal stuff on Facebook. My family doesn’t use Facebook so I figure I won’t splash them across my page. I do hobby stuff. Photography. Fun positive. But I never pretend my life is perfect but we work hard to make it work. But I will get personal about the imperfect part of my life. And that is my battle with male breast cancer. I had 2 go arounds with it. That I have shared far and wide. Because educating everyone on this is important to me.
Love this post! Thank you
Just had time to read the post and ALL the comments! Thank you everyone for saying all you did and being so kind to one another! We are all in this together!
I love your blog because it is inspirational. The internet can be a glass half full or a glass half empty. I love that your slice always is full!!!
Thank you for sharing this. There is much sadness and it doesn't stop because it is "the Holidays"