Screen Time and My Kids | Through the years
A reader emailed this question to me recently:
Your kids are very handy and do amazing things, like knitting, sewing etc, which leads me to believe they don’t spend a lot of time watching tv.
Is that true? How much time are they allowed tv, if any? This would be really helpful as I am working on limiting my son’s tv. He doesn’t play video games so I don’t have to worry about that. It’s amazing when I turn off the tv, he starts making Lego creations and doing other cool stuff.
So I thought it might be handy to write up a post about how we've handled screen time through our years of parenting.
(NOTE: I started writing this post and ended up with almost 900 words. Geez. In case you don't want to read that far, here's the summary: Yes, especially when my kids were younger, I made a point of limiting screen time, and yes, I think once you limit screens, kids will tend to fill their time with more creative and valuable pursuits.)
As of right now, my kids are 18, 17, 14, and 12, so screen time looks way different now than it did when they were all small.
Before we get into the nitty gritty, I'll say that I don't think screens/electronics are all bad. But I do think that it's easy for them to crowd out other good things like reading, crafting, or playing outside.
For instance, many kids won't pick up a book if the computer/tablet is available...but once the electronics are off-limits, the book suddenly looks more appealing.
It's much less about banning a bad thing than it is about making room for good things.
And we've tried to regularly communicate that to our kids.
Preschool/Toddler screen time
When my kids were little, iPads and such weren't even a thing, so TV was about the only source of screen time for them.
At that stage, I let them watch about a half hour a day, and it was things like Kipper or Richard Scarry DVDs, which tend to come in handy half hour segments.
On a really rough day or a sick day, I let them watch more than 30 minutes, but on the regular, we stuck to a half hour.
Grade School screen time
When our kids were in grade school, we let them have 30 minutes on weekdays and an hour on weekends.
And that screen time was only available once they did their schoolwork/daily chores. It was a handy incentive to help them focus on getting their work done first.
Middle School screen time
Sonia and Zoe are both in middle school, and the screen time rules still apply for them, but a bit more loosely.
I do still expect them to finish their school and chores before they watch Dr. Who or play on the Wii, but they are on screens here and there outside of that for things like emailing, video-chatting with a friend, and so on.
And if they're using electronics for things like listening to music, listening to audiobooks, watching a craft tutorial, watching a science video (Sonia does that all the time!), or some other worthy pursuit, I give that a free pass.
Mr. FG and I have not let our kids have phones in middle school, and if my kids were in a situation that made a phone a wise choice (like if they attended school outside of home), I'd get them a non-smartphone.
Based on what I read and observe, I think it's better for them to just avoid the addictive little smartphone as long as possible.
Adult brains have a hard enough time with it, let alone developing middle-school brains!
Sonia and Zoe also don't have any social media accounts; just email and messaging.
(They've had had some friends in the past who were kind of glued to their devices, and it made hanging out with these friends un-enjoyable. Luckily, most of their friends are currently not tethered to a phone, and it's a happy thing.)
High School and beyond screen time
After middle school, we've gradually handed over screen time control to our kids. We expect them to get their work and chores done, but how they choose to manage their time has been more and more up to them.
(Incidentally, Joshua and Lisey both have phones, which are on our Ting plan. They drive, go to work, and go to college, which makes a smartphone pretty helpful for them! They bought their own phones, and we pay the Ting bill.)
Joshua's in college now, Lisey is a junior in high school, and I haven't monitored their screen time in years.
Interestingly, neither of them went hog-wild with it...they're both busy with work and school and they haven't turned into couch potatoes.
Since high schoolers are going to be on their own in not so long, I think it's wise to ease back on the parenting and let them get used to making their own choices (good or bad). And I think as kids get older, I've found it's much better to have discussions about things like screen time rather than enforcing rules.
(Please note: I am not a parenting expert. I've only parented my four kids, and they're not even all grown-ups yet! I'm just sharing what we did and why. Take it or leave it, and do what works for your family.)
I wrote 900+ words here, so hopefully I explained our screen time methods thoroughly. But if I missed something or raised a question in your mind, leave a comment and I'll respond.
Can you elaborate on the half hour screentime you had when the kids were small. How did you mange them wanting to watch different things? Did they each get a half hour or did they have to agree on what to watch together?
When they were small, they usually just watched something together. Sonia and Zoe rarely use their screen time together these days...they go their separate ways and use their time on their own.
Kudos to you for not allowing smartphones in middle school. I think that's a wise decision. As you commented about their friends, too many are glued to their devices. Kids that young can't even recognize the patterns and behaviors of addiction.
Yes but it's a lot easier if you are their teacher, they don't go to activities without you waiting for them, or take a bus to and from school. My neighbor works fulltime- her daughter who is 13 comes home to an empty house and a cell phone is pretty necessary for the walk from bus stop to house. She also has called a cab because she plays soccer and needed a ride- again nice for her to have a cell. I raised my older 2 kids without them but I can sure see their benefit now for younger kids.
Yep, that's why I said in the post I'd do something different if my middle schoolers went to regular school...I'd get them a phone for necessities like you mentioned, but I'd probably go with a basic phone that mainly just made calls.
I mean, it's true that school kids survived without cell phones for most of history, but it would be very convenient to call for rides and such. So, maybe not a necessity, but definitely a nicety.
Don't forget there's a difference between a plain old cell phone and a smart phone. I think you touched on that too! And kids did get along fine before cell phones, but there were a lot more public pay phones back then.
Thank you for the tips, Kristen! My 3 yo son won't eat without the tv on. Maybe we have spoiled him a bit too. We let him watch t.v. for an hour after school. It's usually kids songs on YouTube.
After my MIL goes back to China in two months, we will discipline him more though.
Oh back seat parenting is rough.
My sister in laws kids are 4 and 2.5 and they don't know the TV turns on. It's super funny. The adults turn on the TV when the kids are to bed. The kids just think it's a bigggg black flat thing in the room and doesn't question it or why it's there. Lol!!
I am holding off on phones for as long as I can. My kids ask me for one every year for Christmas and they are in elementary school!?! It's tough when so many kids have phones at school. I have enjoyed watching your kids grow through pictures.
I grew up with more screentime but I have two brothers who ended up in the movie/entertainment field so all that watching paid off we all played hard and then watched hard haha. In contrast my husband’s parents treated the tv, games, and electronics like they were an evil temptation to be avoided and as soon as they got out of the house all the kids went on some sort of tech/gadget binge. So I like your approach-it’s allowed in greater implements as their hobbies and interests become apparent and they may actually have legitimate uses for computer/screentime (both my brothers were on the computer most of the day because they were editing videos or playing with music software). And that’s what I’m trying to do with my own kids (I have one who really enjoys making PowerPoint presentations).
I think gradually allowing more screen time is good, as the forbidden fruit thing can sometimes cause kids to go nuts over it when they finally get the screens, or so it seems to me. My oldest granddaughter is in middle school and now has a phone, which I wish she didn't. Of course, her mom (who gave it to her) didn't really want her to have one yet, but, this child's parents are divorced, and getting hold of the child sometimes got difficult if she was with her dad and dad was unhappy with mom and refused to answer his phone. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is. Like so many kids, it's easy for her to get wrapped up in it, and she has to be reminded to put it up. But at least there is always a method of communication between mom and daughter when they aren't together.
There was no Direct TV or satellite when our kids were growing up, and cable didn't run to the countryside where we lived until they were about middle school or so. We are so far from any TV towers, we could only get two channels, about two short periods a day, and then they were fuzzy. Our kids didn't watch a lot of TV when young, obviously. I refused to get them game systems, and after playing a few times on those belonging to friends, they agreed that they didn't need or want them. I had a few videos they could watch, and kids' videos were a popular gift for them from family, so they had some things to watch, but they spent a lot more time using their imagination, books, some toys and the swingset, because that was basically all they had most of the time. Both of my kids feel screen time should be limited for their own kids. I will say that I passed on to them my love of movies. Those, we will definitely watch.
I love your approach, I'm not a mom yet, but I know that limiting my own screen time is challenging. I work in a cubicle, so obviously for my job/blog, I spend many hours in front of the computer, and it took a while for me to realize that I wanted my evenings to be mostly TV/tablet/smartphone free.
We canceled Netflix back in October, and I'm amazed by how much more free time I have! I didn't think we were too back about our screentime before, but apparently we were!
Love this!!
Our boys are 7 and 9, and the oldest already wants a phone. According to him, almost all the kids in his class have one. We have planned on not letting them have one until they drive - just like it was for us. At the very least, I don’t see a reason under 13 or so. I mean, we grew up without one and we’re just fine.
It is hard, though, with the huge popularity of tablets and other screens...they use them a LOT at school, but at home we keep it limited.
My little man is 2, and I'm surprised at how much of a problem limiting his screen time is already. Mostly, the problem is my husband and myself not being on the same page. But also, it's so EASY to put on a video when he's having a rough day (and let's be honest, he's 2. Most of his days are rough, lol).
I've gotten to the point where I don't watch any movies/Netflix/YouTube or use my phone outside of talking/texting when he's awake. That way, he doesn't ask to watch "a moobie" and I'm more productive too! Also, then when he does have more screen time with DH than I'd like, at least it's balancing out with my approach.
I basically grew up wothout t v. I do not have one in the house now. I have more peace and reading and cooking time. And gardening and sleeping time. More time to think
I grew up without a T.V. in the house, and still don't have one to this day. As a result, I'm an avid book reader! My kids also love books- but screen time seems to crowd out reading, unless I monitor the screen time. I get very frustrated when I observe how addicting a screen can be- and am saddened that our kids won't know what it is like to live in a world without it.
I am considering this for myself. I am a single empty nester and I watch far too much TV. I recently forced myself to cut back...and it has been very positive. I am thinking of cutting it altogether.
I kind of wish there was less screen time going on in my house but my wife uses it as background noise and I'm a bit of a film buff.
By the way, it's a little depressing seeing how big all your kids are when I think how tiny they were when I started reading your blog. At least I know my kid will never grow up that fast. No siree!
It's wonderful you figured out how to freeze her in time! 😉
Adorable pic Kristen! It's smart to relinquish control as they age, some parents just overlook that and it pushes the kids further away. I don't know if I can say no to giving them phones... maybe I'll make them carry 10 year old phones so they're embarrassed to even use it. (Yayyy I'm a genius.)
My husband hates technology so uses the bare minimum. We bought him a flip phone recently from AT&T for under $30 and it cost about $20 a month for the service. Apparently you can also get some sort of a semi-diposable phone with pay-as-you-go minutes. If I had a child under 13 or so, that is what he or she would have!
I've never had a screen time limit for my son since he never abused it. He is 17 now and a straight A student & varsity athelete. He really watches no tv at all because millennial's don't watch tv. He does have a smart phone but doesn't abuse it. I actually checked my cell phone bill last couple of months and he sends less than 100 texts per month. He doesn't have social media accounts because he says that they are a waste of his time. I would strongly suggest that parents of girls should keep them away from social media accounts...there is way too many mean girl things that can happen.
Question: My son is a junior and we are starting to look at colleges. Does Joshua attend a local community college, big university or private school? Any advice for choosing colleges?
I think the most difficult part of screen time for me (with phones and iPads) is that if I don't want my son on it, I can't be on it either. So I've tried to be very diligent about staying off of it when he's awake. (He's not quite 1 yet.)
I have to disagree that kids will naturally fill their time with creative pursuits. My daughter had very little screen time (and virtually no computer time till she was in 6th grade and got a Chromebook for school), but she does almost nothing creative. A little bit here and there, and she putters in drawing/painting, but nothing extensive or anything to show for it. She does read a lot, and definitely reads more the less screen time she has.
Oh yes, not every kid will be creative. That's why I said, "creative and valuable pursuits". Reading is totally a valuable pursuit!
My point is just that when the easy entertainment of electronics is limited, valuable things like reading, playing outside, crafting, cooking, and any number of other valuable activities will become more appealing.
AnnMarie, it's great that your daughter is a reader! If you would like her to do more creative activities, I have found it helps to (the first or second time) do the activities with my kids or have friends over who enjoy that sort of thing. Keeping fun, creative supplies on hand helps out with that--maybe washi tape for a middle school girl? It's easy to use, minimally messy, and doesn't look too childlike. We had a washi tape craft party for my 12 year old on her birthday and all the girls loved it. But like Kristen says, there are lots of valuable pursuits out there that don't involve any crafting.
Sounds like a nice plan! I was definitely (and I guess still am) glued to a screen. My parents didn't really limit my screen time, and although it didn't hurt me as an adult, I'm sure limits would have been healthy. I do think spending so much time on the computer helped me hone writing, typing, and video editing skills. But everything in moderation!
We don't have kids yet, but I'm nervous about limiting screen time. I really don't like pacifying kids by handing over a phone, but it's so normal that you have to fight a culture and a screaming kiddo. 😛
I feel pretty lucky in that handheld electronics just weren't mainstream when my kids were all little. Zoe was born in 2006 and the iPhone didn't even come out until 2007!
It was a lot easier to minimize screen time when the TV or an actual computer were the only options.
Not surprisingly, Kristen, we have a similar outlook on electronics/phones/screen time. I approach that the same way I do food choices--sometimes we want to eat "fun" food that has little or no nutritional value, and similarly, sometimes we have "fun" screen time which is just that--fun. If my kids or I make junk food or junk screen time our main diet, so to speak, the health of our bodies and minds won't be optimal. But occasional, modest consumption? Sure! I think it's important we talk with our kids about why we as parents have guidelines for screen time so they understand our reasoning. At the time they may balk at restrictions, but I find now, with my 14- and 12-year-old, that they talk about how boring it is to be around friends who are glued to their devices. Like it or not, we live in an electronic world--it's up to us as parents to help our children learn how to wisely navigate that world, and to show them that the world is bigger than a screen. 🙂
Just wanted to say that I love the pictures of your kids when they were little! Mine are 4, 1 1/2, and the third is 3 months away from entering the world. 🙂 It's encouraging to see pictures of someone else with many littles at the same time and that you survived. 😉
Ohh, that's exciting! Congrats on your coming little one.
Things were pretty busy there when my kids were 6,5,2, and newborn, but you know, you gotta do what you gotta do. I miss some things about the simplicity of those days. But there are also good things about our current stage. Always a mixture.
In out house, no TV until the kids started school. (They were a year apart so the older one did have to wait a year.) Then we brought the TV out of our bedroom into the living room. The rule was one hour a day each; if they wanted a movie, they had to pool their hours to have enough time. We did have them sit with us to watch the news and, on Sunday, Meet The Press. This rule never changed, even when they got older.
I've always wondered whether you even HAD a TV at your house...your kids seem to do so many things besides their schoolwork and chores. Of course, being homeschooled, they probably spend less time "at school" than children who are in public or private school.
Thank you for your brief comments on parenting older teens. Our nephew who we have been raising since he was 10 recently turned 18. He seems to have matured a lot since the beginning of this school year, and my husband have been learning to navigate our relationship with him as an older teen. It's hard to know when to back off and when to step up. (BTW, he didn't have a phone until just before this school year, he's a junior)
Yep, that's definitely true. With homeschooling, you usually do get your work done in a shorter period of time than you would if you went to school, just like you would if you were at school with a classroom of one!
Relating to older kids is a whole new experience, isn't it?
I wrote this whole long comment, but then I deleted it because this is such a contentious and personal topic. Really, I think it boils down to being conscious of the effect screens have on your kids and responding appropriately. They're so ubiquitous now that it's up to parents to limit them. There are no limits imposed by outside forces, as there were when there was only a few channels on a TV, and most of it was boring to kids. So basically, my childhood. 🙂
Seconding noticing the effect. TV, almost anything from Wild Kratts on up, makes my 10-year-old angry. I use TV as a crutch -- introvert, work at home, please be quiet and don't touch me -- but the mood when TV isn't available thanks to some infraction is so much better. Willpower vs crutch .... I need to suck it up and adult.
Awesome post Kristen! I was wondering what tips you have for limiting your own screen time! Us adults could use it too! Especially since you are so connected with the blog and everything, sometimes it feels hard to disconnect, but I know for sure that my creative side comes out when I don't have access to the screens. 🙂
So much wisdom in 900+ words!
Having worked with youth who are glued to their devices and who have made unhealthy choices with their screens/apps/technology, I am perfectly content to limit my 3 kids screen time to a minimum.
I love seeing how they play and hearing the stories they come up with that would never happen if they had more screen time.
You're right though... there will come a day when they have phones or tablets or whatever else and I hope and pray that I can teach them well so that they can use their devices for good!
I so agree with you on gradually letting go of the reigns, if kids don't get the opportunity to make decisions good/not as good/bad & experience the outcome with parental/guardian support I believe many do not have the confidence & skills they need to start being a young adult. & kudos to all you guys who are modeling a balanced life; we all are affected much more by what our elders do rather than what they say. I think bullying is such a destructive thing but I also feel so sad when I see groups of kids who are clearly all hanging out together or travelling together literally glued to their cell and not even talking to each other. Kids do not realize you cannot see body language, hear the tone of someones voice, or always get a response in real time. They see people's projected images on social media that are 'airbrushed' & make so many feel inadequate, I think it's so important for kids also to have activities & time with other kids & adults without technology involved. Technology is here to stay & kids need to be proficient in it for education & careers but kids need to be trained by parents in word & deed how to use it in a healthy way & also how to handle the negative aspects of technology.
I'm with you on letting the kids do their own thing once they get older. Of course, as a parent you are there to enforce some rules, but if the teen is overall being a good, kind responsible human then it's best to let them try things out themselves whether they succeed or not they will learn something from it. Our kids have to learn enough on how to make their own decisions so when they are out on their own they aren't so overwhelmed. I'm definitely not an expert, but so far it's worked out for us. My kids are 23 (married now), 19 (away at college), 17, 14 & 10. Thanks for the post!