Six Ways to Teach Kids to be Kind
This is off-topic, I know! But multiple readers asked about how we've taught our kids to work hard and to be kind. Here's what I wrote about teaching them to work hard. And today's post will be about teaching kindness.)
In case you missed my earlier post about teaching our kids to be good workers, please hop over and read the caveats at the beginning of that post because they're applicable here too.
And in addition to those caveats, I'll add one more: our kids are not kind 100% of the time, and same goes for me. No one gets this perfectly right.
That said, here are some ways we've tried to encourage kindness in our kids.
1. Model kindness.
Actions speak louder than words, which means that modeling kindness is key.
Be kind to your spouse, your friends, your co-workers, your family, your neighbors, your garbage-man and grocery cashier...anyone you come into contact with.
Your kids learn how to speak to people and how to treat people by watching you.
Also important: speak to your kids kindly. It's going to be hard to inspire them to be kind if you're short with them, rude to them, or approach them in an adversarial way.
2. Teach empathy.
Some kids are naturally good at putting themselves into other people's shoes, but most kids need some help here.
It's so much easier to have compassion for and kindness toward someone else if you've imagined how YOU'D feel in their shoes.
For example, if one of my kids has said something rude to a sibling and can't seem to grasp why what they said was rude, I'll say something like, "Ok, so, what if Dad came home and said this same thing to you. How would you feel?"
And then it usually becomes pretty obvious.
3. Help them anticipate and respond to needs (and model it)
I think this is something that our kids have mostly picked up on by watching.
They've seen me drop a gift by for a friend, heard me ask, "What can I do to help you?", and seen me look for the person in a group who is lonely or by themselves.
I think it's also helpful to give them ideas for being kind to others...we can share a need with them or share that someone is having a rough time, and help them think of what we could do to help show love or ease someone else's pain.
4. Point out kind acts that you see.
It's good to encourage kindness that you see in your own kids, and it's also helpful to recognize the kindness of others people's words and deeds. The more examples our kids have, the better!
"Oh, that was so kind of Aunt Danielle to bring me flowers."
"Aww, it was so kind of them to invite you guys along."
5. Encourage kindness even to people who don't "deserve" it.
It's pretty easy to be kind to people who are kind to us! But the rubber really meets the road when we're dealing with someone who isn't kind.
Since we're Christians, we believe we're called to be kind even to our enemies...so if that's true, we're also supposed to be kind to, you know, siblings. And cousins. And friends. And crabby customers.
We shouldn't be doormats, but we ARE supposed to respond kindly.
In my experience, a kind response turns away wrath about 75% of the time, so not only is it the right thing to do, it's also pretty darned effective.
6. Help them learn from unkindness.
I'd rather not ever have my kids be treated unkindly, but we live in a broken world, and unkindness happens.
So, if they come to me with a sad tale of unkind treatment, I try to first offer sympathy, and I also point out that while sometimes we learn how to behave by watching other people, we also sometimes learn how not to behave by watching (or experiencing) other people.
We can use the pain of others' unkindness to help us avoid unkind behavior ourselves, which kind of ties into the empathy thing.
How do we like to be treated? How do we not like to be treated? And how will we treat others as a result of thinking about that?
Add to my list!
How have you encouraged kindness in your kids? And how did your parents encourage it in you?
P.S. For those of you who share my beliefs, I'd also add that it's important to pray that God would work in our kids' hearts and help them to be kind. I pray this for my kids on my own, and also when I pray with them.
Always so sweet and motivating. Your children are a credit to you.
I love this post... I am constantly telling my 3 to be Humble and Kind... we are getting there.. with the exception of 1.. Empathy is NOT ingrained in this child.. I am beating my head against a wall in this regard.. The struggle is real... very real...
I love this. Teaching love, kindness, being humble and how to communicate outside of technology is going to be extremely important in the decades to come. Thanks for sharing!
Mwa, 3 years old and humble and kind. Live by example , And Give it a other years or 5. Good luck
Kristen, I can't express in words how much I love this! What a wonderful post. "A soft answer turns away wrath" is one of my favorite verses. And I often think, I can't make big sweeping changes in the world, but I can look my cashier in the eye and smile broadly at her, wave to the garbage guys and call out "thank you!" to them, and say "way to go!" to my kids when they do something kind or unselfish. I also love the part about seeking out the person who's alone or looks uncomfortable in a group of people. This was beautifully written -- thank you.
I have 3 kids, one girl and two boys. I find it interesting to see which is natural at having empathy or showing kindness. I love the point about learning how not to treat people from other people. My daughter is very observant and this is something that we have to explain to her often after she sees how someone acts.
We have to do the role play on occasion, as our oldest son (3 yr old) is still in the stage of figuring out how things work. And he's figured out how to make his sister angry. So kindness is not in as large supply as I would like right now.
I know there are times I don't show as much empathy as I should, so that is something I'm working on.
Thanks for this!! I needed the reminder!
Wow these are great lessons! I'm a relatively new parent to a 2.5 year-old and still trying to find the best parenting strategy for my kid. You family is such a great model for kindness, giving, and education.
I have to admit I tend to get impatient with my son, especially when it comes to his eating. But after reading your post, I feel like I need to improve as a parent first to set a good example for him in the future.
Great article and so, so important. I was thinking that sometimes we assume that kids will just figure all of this out on their own, but in reality, kindness requires just as much teaching as anything else that is good. All good things require work and diligence.
What a great list!
I have two grown kids, and both were pretty naturally empathetic, so that part wasn't too hard. We encouraged kindness and tried to remember to show it ourselves at home -- it's amazingly easy for us to be sarcastic/funny amongst ourselves -- and tried to encourage generosity and kindness as well by having the kids help us pick out gifts for the angel tree, donate their unused toys, etc. We found "how would you feel if...?" to be a good learning tool with kids, as Kristen did.
I was taught -- and taught my kids -- that it is never right to ignore a person just because he or she is unpopular and because it might make one appear "uncool" to be friendly with that person. Also: That bragging about oneself is being unkind to others. Never take advantage of another. Try to find a way to compliment others with sincerity. A man at church, who has since passed away, used to shake my hand after the service and say things like, "Thank you for your music. (I sang in the choir) It has inspired me today." He was much admired for always being so kind.
No one is perfect and will fail on being kind now and then, but if we model it as best we can, and teach it as well, our kids will see kindness as normal behavior.
What a beautiful post. Our 2 year old son is just starting to get into the headstrong/"say no" phase... which has taken my husband and I by surprise! Haha- our baby is not a baby anymore! Thank you for the wonderful ideas... I look forward to implementing them as our son learns and grows 🙂
I appreciate this post even if it really doesn't contain anything most of us don't already know. I love it because you posted it, and it is a reminder. I need these constant reminders. I wish constantly to do better, but I find that with 7 children, my attention is constantly needed in multiple places. I've fallen into the habit of being rude, abrupt, and not treating my children the way I want to be treated. When I have the energy, I'm kinder. I'm not trying to paint myself as a monster (because I'm not), but I need frequent reminders like this to make kindness a priority. Our broken selves (kid and adult) need to be reminded that we must work, and sometimes very hard, to do what's right.
I can't help but think that with all the craziness going on in our country right now, we all need to focus on your points (especially 1, 2, 4, and 5). I guess that's where "the hand that rocks the cradle. . ." comes in.
Thank you again.
I have only five kids but also find myself being rude, abrupt and not treating my children the way I want to be treated. And, I'd add suspicious, or more accurately suspecting the worst and responding that way, when it's not necessary. Often I feel stretched in so many directions that quick takes precedence over kind. Finding a happy medium is hard.
Ha! "Only" five kids! Maybe you're not as kind as you wish to be, but at least you have a good sense of humor 🙂 Thanks for letting me feel not alone in the struggle.
I only have five kids as well. It starts feeling like a smaller number when you meet people that have 7, 8, 9 kids. You get the idea. Anyway, yes I sometimes feel overwhelmed and when I do snap I apologize and tell my children I am human and I make mistakes. Sometimes I tell them I was up a lot last night and I didn't rest enough so I am cranky. I think they get it and they offer to help out or be more patient with me. It's not easy.
Having a sibling with special needs (autism) has totally helped my kids with kindness. They understand how important it is to make everyone feel loved even if they are different. It's taught them to be patient and to think about someone besides themselves. I also involve my kids in volunteering for those less fortunate whether it be homeless, hungry, needy or disabled. They help out with their brother's special needs baseball league as well as donating their time to make sandwiches for the needy. These are just some of the ways that we try to teach our kids kindness, but we also do all of the other things you mentioned. 🙂
How many adorable children do you have? I think I missed it. Beautiful faithfilled family.
I have four...Joshua (almost 18), Lisey (16), Sonia (13) and Zoe (11). But I sprinkled this post with older photos of them!
This is a timely post. Not only for our country that is so at odds right now, but for any family that is starting the school year with all of it's stresses and time issues.
I think that most of the time my 3 boys are kind people and I think my husband and I are mostly kind, as well, but everyone falls victim once in a while to feeling pressured or frustrated or whathaveyou and we don't always respond with our best. It is important to be kind to ourselves in that moment and recognize our humanity. Each of us is beautiful in how we are good and how we are flawed.
When I encounter rudeness, especially when driving. I try to remember that I don't know what is going on in someone's life. It's easier to excuse because I don't want it to stay with me and be passed on.
Also remembering that most people around the world want the same things. A happy loving family.
I would also add be honest.
I'll never forget when my son was 8, 30 years ago. I backed out of my driveway hitting a parked car. Boy did I want to drive away, but there was this little person watching. So we went and found the owner and gave them insurance info. And it raised my rate, but the lesson for me and him was priceless. I have always said being a parent has made me a better person.
Beautifully written. I found that my daughter became even more kind when she joined her school's "Links" group in which school kids are paired up ("linked") with children with autism. The school counselor (who is such a terrific person!) would have the Links group brainstorm on ways to interact and include the children with autism. I think it helped my daughter to look for the "why" in a person's behavior--sometimes we have no idea what challenges another person is going through.
I can understand, from some of the above comments, how having a large family would make it hard to keep your cool. I only have two children so I'm not the best for suggestions ... but I found with my two, especially in the early years, that I needed to allow for "cushions" in my schedule, that is, to schedule 15-30 more minutes that I think I will need to accomplish a task. It's hard for me to keep my cool if I am feeling time-pressured, and those are the occasions when I am most likely to lose my temper. I like to think of myself as efficient, so that was a hard lesson for me to learn. 🙂
The time cushion is a big deal. It doesn't come naturally to me, but once I started doing it I realized it was a gamechanger.
As for the number of kids. ..ha! I thought I had this chill mom thing nailed until I had the 3rd boy and I don't know what happened but it all fell apart. It was too many directions, too many needs and too many lives to manage smoothly. That little guy is nine now and I finally have my equilibrium again. I can't believe it took so long, but I got to learn how to give myself some grace and a bit of a break.
I wholeheartedly agree with your list, Kristen! The other thing we are working on at home is heartfelt apology. They mostly learn this from the parents' modeling it. When I'm snappy with my kids or say something rude (not gentle correction) I try to apologize to them humbly. I acknowledge that I hurt their feelings and restate the rude thing in a kind way. Parenting is sanctification!
I have three kids 18 (boy), 16 (girl), and almost-13 (girl). Similar to your first three
My mother taught me a prayer as a child that we've taught our children. Its emphasis on kindness has always made it a favorite of mine.
Father, we thank thee for the night,
And for the pleasant morning light,
For rest and food and love and care,
And all that makes the day so fair.
Help us to do the things we should,
To be to others kind and good,
In all we do, in work and play,
To grow more loving, day by day.
I'm copying this prayer right now to start memorizing with our children. Thank you so much!
And thank you, Kristen, for once again modeling such godly, kind and wise parenting. I'm gonna copy you, too. 🙂
You're quite welcome, Kimberly. 🙂
So true about modeling. One time I noticed my son - I'd say he was around 10? - pay for something and tell the cashier to have a great day. I just looked at him rather amazed. Told him how nice that was. His response - well, that's what you do. So glad it was something positive I was learning this lesson from!
Such great advice - I had taken it for granted that my kids would understand the importance of being kind, but that just isn't always true.
I love this list.
I would also add a couple:
1. Get some rest. We tend to be crabby and mean when we're tired. Often if one of my 3 kids is out of sorts and being a pain in the behind, I will kindly ask them how they're feeling and often it's something like "I'M FINE!!!" which means they are not. So we take some time together or them alone if I can't be with them. I say, go take a break, read a book, do some colouring, or let's go cuddle. It helps tremendously. And it applies to adults too! If I find myself being mean, I try to go and rest if I can or ask my husband to just sit with me and talk.
2. Apologise to your kids if you've been mean to them. To me, this is HUGE part of modelling good behaviour. Sometimes if point 1 doesn't work and I've already been mean, then once I calm I try to make a point to apologise for being mean in my delivery even if my message was still important. I think it's important to show that when we've been unkind, we can try to smooth that by apologise heartfully. Not easy by any means, but it's very important.
3. ok, I said two but there is a 3rd that just came to my mind, which is to try to look in the bright side, I think a positive attitude in life in general helps us to be kind, it just rolls together.
When I think back there are many things I wish I could change. We were broke, my husband non supportive and I was extremely depressed. I made many mistakes and yelled far too much.
However I am relieved that my three are young adults now and I they have learned some things well. For instance when someone annoys them etc I would send them to the shower to wash the bad away and we would have talk about being the bigger person and not to give into retaliation, fighting etc. My autistic boy now talks about his problems in this way. He was taught at school to stop, think and do. He never picked up that think meant to take stock and withdraw. I would hear, "But mummy I did as the teacher said. I stopped and thought that if I hit x then he would leave me alone. So I hit him." Oh dear.
Suzan, please try and give yourself some grace....parenting is challenging (rewarding, yes, but challenging) under the best of circumstances, and becomes even more so with the additional stressors you mention.
I only have one child, and I try my best to do my best for him every day. Some days, there's not much I feel I have to give - maybe I had a sleepless night, maybe I'm sad over a personal loss, some days I'm just more depressed in spite of medication and therapy - but I do the best I can. I'm sure you do, too.
Your son's story made me smile. He *did* do as he was taught, right? Lol!
This is a great list!
There are so many siblings that tease, bully, taunt, etc each other. A lot of parents seem to think this is just normal behavior for kids and pretty much ignore it. I think it is so important to stop this and teach siblings to be kind to one another. Teach them that their siblings can be their friends for life! That connection can be important to them for the rest of their lives!
In contrast I know some very kind people that came from very unkind homes. Sometimes people learn how to behave by deciding not to be like their parents. It is interesting how some people turn out well from bad environments and others turn out just like the bad parents.
I agree 100%
My 11 year old has experienced the terminal illness and passing of several family members with whom he was close, has spent time with my husband's special needs uncle, and has a close relationship with my 94 year uncle. These "special" relationships have added to the depth and breadth of his compassion and kindness as they pose additional challenges for a young child. In turn, he is the kid who is comfortable moving outside his comfort zone when kindness is appreciated.
Now, if I could just get him to eat his vegetables!!!!!
Could you expand on your 'don't be a doormat' advice? I feel like that is the extension of kindess I really struggle with as a parent.
My daughter, who is incredibly kind, will occasionally come home from public school with tales of feeling excluded, or someone who 'wasn't being fair'. (Please do note she generally has a lot of friends and gets along with her peers, I don't feel that she is being bullied). While I do offer sympathy in these situations I struggle with what else to teach her. So far I haven't really explained the harsh reality that life often isn't fair and that for some people kindness isn't a priority. But she is turning 9 soon and is still so incredibly innocent compared to her peers. I am not sure how to guide her into a more realistic, but still kind, worldview.