On being a mom of adults
Recently, two readers wrote me with similar questions. Here's one:
Have you ever done a post about empty nest? My kids are 23, 21 and 20. My youngest is at home but is moving to the dorms in August. This is such a hard transition! I’m trying to keep busy, I work 40hrs a week. I’m trying to meet up with friends and garden etc. Also, my husband is a truck driver, so he is gone Monday through Friday! What do you do when you are missing the days of mothering small children who are all grown up now?! I know that this was the whole point, raising them up to let them go and live their own lives, it’s just harder than I imagined!
And here is the second:
I'd love to hear your current perspective on being the mother of "grown and flown" young adults. I know you have one girl at home, one nearby but out of the house, and one in a different state, and you have been so strong and so positive about it all. My youngest is contemplating a move across the country in the next year or two and I am struggling so much - I realize she needs to be independent and that it's her life to live, but I admit to feeling hurt/rejected and dreading the loss of closeness we have now. I would love to hear your perspective and advice if you ever have the time or inclination.
In 2021, I wrote a post answering a question about wistfulness over kids growing up, and I think both of you might find that post helpful. 🙂 Now, five years on, with a whole lotta life upheaval under my belt, I still would write many of the same things over again.
I think, for me, this stage has been oddly simplified by my life upheaval. Perhaps if my life had continued down the trajectory I'd always imagined, I would find myself a bit at loose ends. But as things stand, I am not anywhere near close to being lonely or bored or having extra time on my hands.
In fact, I am currently working at a rate that I know is unsustainable in the long term.
I very much look forward to a year from now, when things should let up a little!
(I'm slated to graduate with my BSN next May.)
My view of the small child days is also a little different than it is for some of you; although I loved my babies and my kids and the years I had with them, I also was navigating a difficult, unhealthy marriage through all those years.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I suppose it does make it less tempting to turn back time; for me, the suffering in my marriage is intertwined with the kids-at-home years, and that squashes the wistfulness pretty quickly.
The life upheaval also affected me in another way: things were rough for my kids through all of this too, so when they find a direction and launch out, I feel so relieved that they are finding their way and that they too are picking up the pieces. Like..."Oh, whew, another one is gonna be all right."
So...my particular circumstances have made this transition different than I thought it would be, and because of that, maybe my perspective is not even that helpful for you! Take it with a grain of salt.
In addition to the things I wrote in the wistfulness post, here are a few other thoughts to try on for size.
Moving out/moving away does not have to equal a lack of closeness
Proximity is not the same as closeness, you know? If you have a close relationship with your child now, you probably still will once they move away!
I mean, Lisey moved all the way to Hawaii, and I can tell you we have not suffered from a lack of closeness. We still text and call regularly, and I think both of us always feel quite up to date with what is going on in each other's lives even though Hawaii is oceans away from here!
Especially in this day and age, there are so many inexpensive ways to stay connected, so geographical distance is much less of a problem than it used to be.
Sonia's only about two hours away at college, but I connect with her in similar ways as with Lisey: largely texting! (also, sending cat photos back and forth. Ha.)
Your kids will still need you
Adult kids who have moved out do not need you like a toddler needs you, of course, but in my experience, they do still need their moms. We can cheer them on, validate their feelings, offer a listening ear, be available for advice when asked, and so on.
You will still be important; it just will look different.
Moving out is not about us
I think when our kids move out and spread their wings, they are usually not thinking, "Ugh, I want to get away from my mom!"*, but it's more that they're looking ahead to something new and exciting. It's not a rejection of you; it's an embrace of a new phase.
*assuming that the parent-child relationship is healthy!
My relationship with Lisey is solid, so when she chose to move to Hawaii, I knew she wasn't rejecting me; she just wanted a warm-weather adventure.
It's ok to be sad
I think there's a certain amount of sadness that is just normal and expected when a kiddo moves out on their own, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed. You love your kid, you will miss them when they're gone, and there's probably a certain amount of crying you gotta do to get through it.
You are going to adjust to the new normal
Both of you (that sent questions in) are anticipating a future kid-move-out situation, and it probably feels sort of scary right now. But I have found that the dread of a thing is often worse than the actual thing, and perhaps it will be that way for you too.
Once the move happens, you will cry, you will adapt, and you will adopt a new normal. The new normal will be different, but it doesn't necessarily need to be bad, you know?
Your relationship with your child will always be changing as life rolls on, but it can be beautiful in so many different ways.
I ended that 2021 wistfulness post by saying: things were beautiful then, things are beautiful now, and things will be beautiful in the future. I wrote that long before Lisey moved to Hawaii, and I can confirm that it has been true.
One day in the not-so-distant future, I know Zoe will move out, and my nest really will be empty. But I trust that my past experience will hold true; our hearts will still be close, even if our zip codes are not. 🙂
Readers, how would you answer these emails?
(I know we've got empty-nesters among us!)
Is texting cat photos the universal communication? It's how several of kids and I keep in touch!
(I think it's because it's cute, a way of sharing, and maintaining the bond without having to get too caught up.)
I have several adult kids, and the level of closeness varies, but they have different personalities, so our communication has settled into the pattern they prefer. I am reluctant to call them- busy lives- but they're always happy to text or email. Cat and dog pictures always a hit. You'll figure out what type and level of communication works for you all.
I love to hear this perspective. I’m in the thick of the young years (my kids are 8, 5, 3, and 10 months), but sometimes I ponder what things will look like in 15 years when they are launching into late adolescence and adulthood. My hope is that if we are faithful in these years to instill love and the seeds of good character in them, we will share a healthy closeness and that they will be pursuing good, true, and beautiful lives in their unique ways. I admire the relationships you maintain with your kids in the changing seasons of life! Even in my relatively few years of parenting, I’ve learned that being flexible and expecting change (it’s inevitable) are vital in having a pleasant attitude. That’s the version of me that my kids want to spend time with, not a version where I’m wistfully wishing for things to be in a different or as they used to be.
My husband and I have thoroughly enjoyed parenthood and even having one of our kids live at home as an adult (looking for an affordable place to live). Now, it definitely feels lighter being (recent) emptynesters. It feels like a responsibility has been taken from my shoulders, even when I did not realize I felt it like that.
Our children live close enough to visit us every other week or so (or vice versa). That is definitely a luxury. Also we text (pictures of cats here too!). I cannot say that I miss the "children" when they are not around. But when we are together and particularly when we are all altogether, my cup overfloweth.
If anyone is wanting to branch out from texting cat pictures, my siblings and I also text each other memes and web comics. LOL
I just wanted to comment on "launching is the point." I understand what is being said, but IMO that is not the right way to frame it. Childhood is important and isn't only a training period for adulthood. We wouldn't want to skip that part even if our children were magically prepared. Life is the point. Launching is only one part of that.
I am still very much in the thick of parenting young children, so I don't have first hand experience with kids leaving the nest. But I do already have experience with my kids going through transitions. I do grieve during transitions because there was joy in the stage we are leaving, and grieving is ok.
One last thought, Gretchen Rubin has been talking a lot about the empty nest, or as she has reframed it "the open door." She might have more thoughts that are helpful to you.
thoughtfully and beautifully written. bravo.
My kids are 15 and 12. I found the baby and toddler years incredibly challenging -- I almost lost myself. I have two because I literally could not fathom another. Motherhood is/was challenging for me. I think its all the responsibility.
While the teen years are challenging in different ways, I know I am more relaxed. And they will still cuddle with me on the couch.
The BEST times I had with my parents were not when I was living at home. But when I got to know and enjoy them as actual people, not just mom and dad.
This resonated with me so much! My twins are almost 8 now but I am so relieved the baby/toddler years are behind us. Same perspective as you described regarding relationship with my own parent.
I had a late in life baby boy. After a brief crazy first marriage and a string of unhealthy-ish bachelors ( at that point I was seeking my own level of sanity) I miraculously found my second husband. He was so different from anyone I had every dated, I rejected him after our first blind date. A year later he called and asked me to reconsider. At that point, I had worked on myself to such an extent that I realized what he was offering - loyal, love, humor, generosity and, most importantly, a willingness to humbly work on his own issues.
My son was raised in a house neither my husband or I were lucky enough to have. His father unconditionally loved him from the moment he fed him his first bottle. He had his father's undivided attention whether it was playing blocks, tent camping in the living room, or listening at piano recitals. They were so different. Hubby had a reading disordered, almost failed school, brilliantly thrived with huge machines and common sense. My son is a joyous king of the nerds, a mechanical engineer who still at 24 jumps for joy. They adore each other.
Why am I saying this? Our greatest joy and success is raising a boy who is confident enough jump into the adventure of his own life. My son never looked back when he jumped into the adventure of 2020. He went to University of Michigan from California, got kicked out of the dorms in the middle of Covid winter for "protocal violation;" found a sublet in days, moved himself that winter, graduated summa laude and found a job five months later in Michigan. Never willing to change himself to "fit in" he tournament fences with his middle age "buddies", is a usher for the Catholic church to which he had returned ( no pressure from us, believe me) plays video games with his friends with whom he attended kindergarten and who are scattered all over the country.
My big strong hubby wells up with tears when anybody starts talking about him. He doesn't care if anybody notices. He grieves the physical presence of his "best friend" everyday. He follows him on his "find me" app. He counts the days till our son comes to visit. Hubby wouldn't change of thing, though. It is his greatest act of selflessness to raise his sixth generation farmer boy to dream of a world beyond the farm. As for me, I carry my boy with me. He is always close to my heart. Maybe it is different with Moms and boys. He calls me and tells me everything. I feel so lucky that I can't begrudge him living where he wants to live.
If you have kept reading this diatribe of mine - a heart felt tagline: My son has met the unicorn : A brilliant mid western journalist, who is the oldest of sixth kids, wants a big family and wants to raise animals like she did growing up despite being a world traveler. If she says "yes" at some point my boy is coming home.
Mary Ann,
Awww, that is a beautiful post. Enjoyed reading about your wonderful family! ❤️
Mary Ann, that’s so lovely!
Oh my, this really made me tear up. Well done to you & your DH, Mary Ann!
I actually love this stage of life with adult children. I was dreading the time when they would leave, and was the broken hearted mum sobbing at the airport. But then, we found a rhythm that is just wonderful. They are living their best lives, and I can go to bed at night without worrying about where they are and what their doing. We text, call, and even play regular online Nintendo games together. I think they are great people and I love this time. I would not have believed this when they were younger and they were my whole world. But it's true 🙂
With 750 sq ft and 2 adults, 2 teens an empty nest looks mighty nice. My Zozo is staying home while attending college and I look at that as a blessing. My empty nest was during my youth and I am totally happy with my life now. I just wish I didn't have so much clutter.
This post did not show up in my email today. Not sure what is wrong.
Kristen, I know this is ridiculous, but I still want to know what happened to Pachik after he got squeezed into an airless bag and then didn’t go to Hawaii!
Bahahaha, well, Pachick is still on a shelf in the closet in Lisey's old bedroom in my house. She did say hi to him when she visited tho. 😉
I was that mom that cried every time they pulled out of the driveway to head back to college. It took a while for me to hold it together until they couldn't see me because I didn't want their last image of the visit to be mom ugly crying.
Things with our youngest were not easy through the high school years and I felt it was God's way of preparing me to have an empty nest. I was ready for both of us to have a break from each other. As he has grown older and we are past the teenage angst, we are close again. I love that currently our adult kids very close to us and we see them at least once a week. Watching our oldest have her own family has been amazing. And of course, I love that we get to keep our grandson all the time.
This reminds me of a comedy sketch Leanne Morgan does about her oldest daughter in which she claims it was God’s way of preparing them to embrace an empty nest. It’s cute.
https://youtu.be/1TZ_dqCLI2Q?si=FWSKRxSz6EHtnfPE
My "babies" are now 55 and 43 men so long out of the nest. I have found that over the years there have been times when we felt closer than other times, but generally we were still very connected. Building or enlarging a non-child centered life is important as is celebrating with them their successful adulting milestones. It certainly is easier now with communication technology. We moved across country for work when the older one was a young adult and he stayed in the old location. That was hard on all of us at times but we got through it. The younger one left the nest to go away to college as I had done.
I did have to learn if they wanted advice or for me to just listen. Also to not continuing to probe when they didn't want to share. A few tough love parenting moments too in the early years of their independence while still making sure they knew we were there if they truly needed us. We tried to communicate confidence that they could figure things out and solve most problems that arose.
A few years ago we moved to live 10 minutes from the son & DIL who have young children at their request and with the encouragement of our other son & DIL who said they would come visit as much as possible. So far it has worked out well. In fact we were all together last night for dinner and visiting at our house.
Agree with you on learning to listen well and to hold back on probing for information. I have found, especially with my son, that the more I try to dig for information, the more he holds back. Conversely, when I offer support and a listening ear, he becomes very chatty and I learn more about what he is thinking. Offering what I think of as "controlled vulnerability" also seems to open doors. I might mention, for example, that I miss him and it's an adjustment to have him living far away, but I try to follow up with "I'm so proud of you and the choices that you are making".
For the parents anticipating a child moving out, two specific things helped me. One was finding a new outlet, something that I had been wanting to start for years (for me it was starting a young adult group at our church, but the possibilities are endless--what is that thing that niggles the back of your mind that you have wanted to try "someday"? Now may be the perfect time to spread your wings). When my daughter went to university and we were truly empty nesters, my husband and I planned a fun vacation. Not gonna lie, big trips were always a family affair, and at first I was missing having kids with us. As the days went on, I was able to immerse myself in enjoying the moment. Hope this is helpful for someone.
‘Not continuing to probe’, 100%. It is a dance. This subject intrigues me. What to do when life empties, i.e. kids are full successful adults, I’m getting ready to retire, big projects done. How to fill my time?! Life previously drove me. Now I am in the driver seat and I do not know what to do. Wish there was more written about this stage, for women.
Speaking from the other-ish end (my parents became empty-nesters 9 years ago, when I moved out) you just don't know when and how your kids will continue to need you and want you, in very lovely ways.
I lived at home until I was 25. Then off I went on my merry way to another city...until the pandemic hit and my older sib, myself, and my then-fiance all moved in with my parents (!) My husband and I had to move pretty soon after for my job, but my sibling stayed for about a year. Then off we went again...but now that we all have our own kids, we see my parents very frequently! Actually, because I'm post-partum, my mom comes pretty much daily. I need her now in my mid-30s in a way that I didn't when I was 26. So while I think a lot of young people crave independence early on in the days of moving out, family closeness can still be a really big part of life.
As always, thoughtful and wise words from you, Kristen, and from this community of lovely humans. Thanks for the insight and positivity.
Also, that 2021 post is pure poetry. "There will be beauty in the future" will be a mantra for me.
A big yes, Mary, to both of your comments.
Isn't that such a helpful thought? There are still beautiful times to come; just in a different shape than the beauty we had before.
Our whole extended family sends animal photos on a regular basis. I sent a pic yesterday of the sweetest pup at the tire store. Then it started a trend of pics of other peoples animals. Fun.
My oldest is 41, youngest is almost 21. 20 adults spread over 5 continents. We have an open door, landing pad as long as you have a job or a plan.
The only thing we stress is plan for your future because you are worth it and you cannot rely on anyone else in this big 'ol world.
I became lazy with an empty nest. I eat simple meals, enjoy leftovers. I read more. I volunteer more especially since I retired. I didn't have being a youngish widow on my life's bingo card, it's been almost 5 years and I am in a good place.
Ha! - pretty sure anyone who's read any of your other comments would take issue with you using "lazy" in conjunction with the full, communal, lovely way you spend your days : )
Ha ha, I thought the same thing about the "lazy" comment! 🙂
I am a dad of two: one in grade school and one in Heaven. I have a strange relationship with my parents where once I had my own kids I learned that my parents (my mom especially) are not normal. I occasionally text her or call my dad but in the end when I see her doting on my sister's kids when she never acknowledges my son's existence and she makes the bare minimum effort for my daughter ... Well I just hope I'm a better grandparent.
I'm sorry you and your family have to deal with that dysfunction. It's lovely how you remember and honor your son, and you're clearly a great dad to your daughter, so she has that huge advantage in her life.
I agree with Suz. Any kid would be lucky to have you as a dad or granddad. Sending hugs for dealing with whatever is going on inside your mom that causes her behavior.
Battra92,
I have a similar issue with my mom, and how she dotes on her two granddaughters nut mostly ignores my son. You and I, and our spouses, are breaking that cycle. I am certain you will be a fantastic grandfather when the time comes.
But, not nut
Really resonated with me.
https://crisismagazine.com/opinion/to-the-empty-nest-catholic-mothers-who-ask-now-what
I sympathize with all you mature parents, but hope you will challenge yourself to take up your life possibilities. For women especially, mothering seems to be a very deep calling, and a demanding job. But when you are lucky enough to “graduate,” you have an opportunity to pursue a new path, as Kristin has been doing. The world needs caring, competent adults, including you, and there is much we can do to make our communities better. It seems like an identity issue, but you are still xyz’s mom, and you have the privilege of growing an additional identity. Even in these difficult times, American women have more possibilities than most of the world’s women.
My eldest moved away to attend medical school and residency. I held my breath because I did NOT want to move to either place she lived in those years, but she has come back to our town--she got a wonderful job with a local outpatient pediatric practice, she rents a condo across the street from my office and only 2 miles from our home, and comes for dinner every Friday night with our "granddog". I'm thrilled and we have a very nice adult relationship.
Our youngest still lives with us at age 25. She was a college freshman when they kicked everybody out during the 2020 beginning of the pandemic. It was awful for her to be back home in her bedroom and she lost her mojo and all the opportunities not just for in-person classes but for on campus life, being able to do internships and extracurriculars, to make friends and to talk to her professors. She's stuck. She works part time, but has lost her way with goals and dreams, and as much as I love having her close I'm terrified she will not ever be able to stand on her own two feet. We are older parents, and the clock is ticking. I want to be an empty nester for her sake, not for mine. I will miss her terribly if she makes it out of her, but be grateful that she is back on track--if that ever happens.
Jan,
What I’m seeing at this stage are people losing sight of the effect the pandemic had on some kids. If you didn’t have a natural propensity toward socialization it took the rug out from underneath you. Different age group but my it hit my grandson at a time when kids are forming friendships and he missed out and to this day I don’t feel like he has his footing there. Whereas his sister, 3 years older, fell right back in with friends she’d made before. They zoom schooled at my house, my granddaughter thrived through it and he withered. It will take as long as it takes and may look differently but your daughter will come out of it and she’ll be the better for you seeing her so clearly!
Let's talk about how it is much, much harder with sons, especially after they marry and start a family. Son No. 1 decided to move to California after his freshman year at college, said that "I couldn't stop him," which was true. He did stay in school, albeit community college for the first year, to retain some financial assistance from his father, but I was a very poor single mom and had to explain that I wouldn't have $$$ to pay for plane tickets back and forth. No kid home at Christmas that year, and when I called to make sure he'd received his packages and Xmas moolah, the phone was disconnected!!! One of his roommates had racked up a huge long-distance bill (remember those days?), and it took the other guys a couple of weeks to come up with enough money to pay the bill. Sad mom, to be honest, but the kid was okay, went surfing and ate a gigantic buritto for Christmas dinner. (PS The boy is now 50 years old, and still makes up his own mind. We both did just fine!)
My girls are 22&18. 4 years ago when my oldest left I was a mess and grieved her leaving for 3 years. She was close in distance and do was our relationship. I just wanted to go back and redo our first years together and all the fun times we had together. It was brutal. She graduated in May and lives here in the same city and we remain close. My 18 year old leaves in August and will be an hour away. I am now ready to be an empty nester. I am ready to begin a new life and to focus on me now.
I don’t have any children but I just wanted to say you are setting a great example for them. You were able to leave a very unhealthy marriage and get a new career in early mid-life. Huge kudos to you!
Thank you!
I have one kid in college. I miss him when he's gone, and I'm excited before he comes home. He's been home 5 days and I'm like: you can go now. 🙂 It's hard for them too, going from independent at college to having to share a bedroom and deal with a dog who growls at you all the time.
The younger one is 13, so I've got some time before the empty nest, and by then it'll be time to retire (I'm 55).
find a group of women who are in same boat! it does get easier as i had same problem - actually after a while you do enjoy your time bc you can do what you want. you can do this
I recently read an article where a mom hard core adamant that a mother should put ALL of her life and energy into her kids. And that there would be time time after the kids were grown to "have your own life". I call BS - there needs to be balance in life. Spending every moment of your life focused only on your kids is just nuts.
I was happy when my kiddos went off to college. Both lived with us for a brief amount of time after they graduated (paying rent after X amount of time, itwas reasonable). One kiddo lives out of state, other is local. IMHO, you raise your kids to *not* need you. But that doesn't mean all contact is cut.
Again IMHO, there is a generational change - my first kiddo was born a couple years after my youngest sibling graduated high school - read: Grandma time. I will never have grandchildren and that is fine by me. I've always worked FT even after I had kids. My sole purpose was not just being mom but being mom and my own person. Face it, once your child(ren) turn 18, you have zero control over their lives. You hope they make the right decisions (which was our goal when raising them). But they may not make decisions you like (and hopefully are not detrimental to their health or safety).
I am at the age where my eldest is just finishing his first year at university, the second is going into his final years of high school and the third is in high school... so I'm on the cusp of the empty nest process!
It may not be something that you look forward to, exactly, but there are benefits to getting successfully launched kids, and that doesn't necessarily mean that they've left home exactly, but that they are doing well, moving onto adult life in various ways and succeeding more or less.
Kristen, this may not be a topic for discussion, but I have a memory that you have a son who you were not in contact with for various reasons (this is going back quite some time, so apologies if I have that wrong). Has your personal shift in life circumstances changed that relationship for the better? I hope so.
Yes, things are much better, but I haven't said much about it out of respect for a privacy request. 🙂
Oh Kristen, I am so grad to hear this!All of us here care about your family and wish nothing but the best for your kids!
Kristen, this small update fills my heart with joy for your family.
That's truly great news. Certainly no need to say more or anything at all, but it is good to hear that, along with so much else that caused heartache in the Before times, things are greatly improved!
oh! I am very happy to hear this. Thank you for sharing.
I was also wondering about that. Happy to know it's better now!
So we'll said Kristen! I have 2 adult children who have moved out and started their own chapters. Some things I miss about them being at home, but others are so exciting seeing them making their own way in life and making choices on their own (with our advice sometimes). Seeing evidence of faithful, kind, moral humans that I helped raise is awesome!
Raising children for me has been the most disappointing experience I have had. If I could go back & redo the experience I would have been less generous. My efforts & generosity are not appreciated.
The start of an empty nest can be challenging. Every bit as much as becoming a parent to begin with. What works for me:
*Stay in touch, just enough. Don't always call, don't stalk, don't constantly text. Let them take the lead sometimes, too. Prioritize your sense of self worth.
*Offer advice only if they ask, and be interested in what they share with you. Listen, but don't judge. Share what you feel like sharing, but protect your own privacy, too.
*You are not a child; you have made it this far in life and you are capable. Let them know you love them, miss them, and are here for them. Do not plead for reciprocity.
*Maintain your dignity - this is your life, too. Don't make yourself small, you are not inconsequential. If they are pulling back, for whatever reason, that's on them. Social media will tell them all sorts of trendy things that are flat out wrong - its not up to you to fix that. Continue living your best example of a person with healthy emotions and a worthy life.
*Accept their choices, but expect them to accept yours, too. Hold them accountable for their actions, as you would expect them to hold you accountable for yours. Life doesn't always turn out like we expect it to. But keep doing the right things for the right reasons, anyway.
*Don't compare your relationships with your kids to other people's relationships with theirs. This is not fair to anyone, least of all you. You can and will survive and thrive. Not only is it expected, but it is within your reach, a gift to yourself, and sets a good example. Go live your best life.
*Cry when you need to - that is OK. You are human and entitled to your feelings. Stay busy and engaged in your own life with things you want to do. Add interests, hobbies, keep learning. Add more people to the mix. You can, and will, find others to be around and expand your circle.
*You are a whole human, deserving of love and dignity, and you can have this. Your adult kids do not define you or your life - they never did, even as small children. Once they are adult, you have finished raising humans. Do not raise your grandchildren. You are not here on earth just for emergencies, but you can choose to help with those when you can. You are also not the bank.
*Aim to live a great life, a long life. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Stay independent as long as you can. Make yourself proud. Seek your peace.
I will answer as follow: as a mom of a 16-year-old dealing (her) with a lot of mental health issues, addiction, eating disorders, personality disorder, ADHD and autism: if you kid is healthy and driven enough to move out and enjoy their life, this is something to be grateful and happy about. I don't know that my daughter will ever be well/happy enough to be fully functional on her own (she is once again hopitalized at the moment for suicidal ideations. It never stops).
My youngest (14 yo) is the opposite: healthy mentally and physically, independent, strong, motivated, etc. I'm not worried for her future; she will do well. And when it's time for her to leave, I will be sad, but I'll be happy to be launching a productive member of society into the real world.