Eight things that are helping me cope
When you have already conquered something, it's pretty easy to talk about that thing.
For instance, if you used to be addicted to something, or you used to have a marriage problem, or you used to have credit card debt, but you've actually fixed the problem, then you can feel a sense of pride in sharing what helped you get to where you are.
I think this can be very useful information to share with other people who are having similar problems.
But on the other hand, sometimes it's helpful to hear from someone who is currently in the trenches and to follow along with their journey.
Since the person hasn't gotten to the end of the story yet, there's always a chance that what they're doing isn't going to work. Maybe their debt-payoff plan will flop, maybe their rehab won't work, or maybe their disease-fighting diet won't work.
Still, it can be useful to observe the ups and downs and the peaks and the valleys in real time.
That's kind of what I've been trying to do as I blog through the dissolving of my marriage (and really, the dissolving of what I thought my life would look like.)
Since I am still so early on in my healing journey, I do not have any definitive advice to give. Check back with me in about five years, and I'll let you know what worked!
But since I first shared about my separation, a lot of you have written to me to let me know that you are in similar situations, so I thought it might be helpful to write a post about what is currently helping me cope in healthy ways.
I was listening to a podcast that happened to have an episode about grief, and the guest said something like (paraphrased here):
"We don't talk about grief; we don't know what it looks like for others, so then we think something is wrong with us when we grieve. But when other people share how they are grieving, then we realize nothing is wrong with us."
So. Here's what this is looking like for me right now; these are the things helping me cope.
1. Walking
I have logged hundreds upon hundreds of miles on local trails since last January.
It's such a simple thing, and it costs nothing, but I have found it to be extremely helpful for my mental health.
Occasionally, I think, "Hmm, maybe this walking isn't doing much for me."
But then if it's bad weather for several days, or I'm too busy to get out and walk, I notice a definite downturn in my attitude about life.
2. Being in the woods
Walking is helping me, yes, but I also think walking on trails, mostly in the woods, is helping me.
Logging these miles on a treadmill would probably not have the same effect!
I know some people find peace and mental clarity at the beach, but I really think I have discovered that I am more of a woodsy type of person. I like to be by the trees and I love to watch the changing of the seasons.
Also, there are so many interesting growing things to find in the woods; mushrooms, mosses, shrubs, flowers, berries, and so on.
It's not like I hate the beach or anything; I just think the woods make me feel better than the beach does.
(Why I feel comfortable walking alone)
3. Talking to people who have been in my shoes
One of my besties went through a tough marriage breakup a few years ago (a different flavor than mine, but still very hard), and I find it super helpful to talk to her. I know she will never judge me for the messy feelings and thoughts I have because she has had all those same feelings and thoughts.
In the same vein, I have another helpful friend who is still in a hard marriage (again, a different flavor than mine. Hard marriages come in a lot of flavors.) She got married at the same time as me, homeschooled her kids like me, and we understand each other.
I also am part of an online support group for women whose marriages were all the same flavor of hard as mine.
It's run by a Christian therapist (one of my pastors recommended it to me) and it has been so helpful to be able to talk to these women who are walking the same road I'm on. I can get helpful clarity and validation and feedback, and I can offer support to them as well.
4. Rolling with the feelings
For a very long time in my marriage, for very complicated reasons that I can't share here, I tried so hard to ignore the wounds that came my way.
I tried to tell myself that it didn't hurt, that it was fine, that I could overlook everything.
I tried so hard not to be angry.
I justified it all away.
So now that I am mostly away from the situation, I have a really big backlog of things that need to be healed and processed with the fresh eyes I have now.
It's like I removed the lid that was holding everything down, and now it is all bubbling to the surface.
Sometimes this hurt and sadness feel like a great, crushing weight on my chest, and in those moments I feel the anguish of what I have been through. But I try not to push it away or push it down, and it usually comes out in the form of tears.
Some days, I feel like I can't turn around without bumping into something that brings up a painful memory. One day recently, I was driving home from Aldi and I saw a building that triggered a memory of an old marital hurt I'd never processed, and then I spent the rest of the drive home crying.
This is really inconvenient, and I do not love it.
But my experience so far is that when I just roll with the feelings and let them be what they need to be, they actually do roll on through. And the next day, that one bad memory has usually lost some of its sting.
I think about John Mayer's song, Emoji of a Wave...part of the chorus says,
It's just a wave and I knowThat when it comesI just hold on
That's how I envision this healing process...I think there's a very lengthy series of waves I have to ride, but if I can just hold on and roll with them, I will eventually get to a place where there are calmer waves, or where there's more distance between the waves.
And one day, I think the waves will carry me to a peaceful cove.
For now, I just remind myself to trust the process.
5. Trying to think, "What CAN I do?"
I wrote a whole post about this on my 25th anniversary this year, so I won't rehash it all.
But the short version is that focusing on what I can actually control and influence really helps to keep me afloat.
6. Trying to hold my future loosely
Twenty-five years ago, I felt so sure about how my future was going to go. It all seemed laid out neatly for me.
But I see now that the next part of my life is going to look way different than what I'd envisioned.
Sometimes, random realizations come to me like, "Hmm. I am probably never going to have a 50th anniversary." Because even if I get remarried in a few years, the odds of me living long enough to reach 50 years in a new marriage are really low.
But I try to remember that life can be beautiful in a lot of different ways. Even though my life is not following the path I thought it would, it can still be beautiful.
Maybe it will be more beautiful than what it was before...perhaps something lovely will rise from the ashes.
And truly, it's not as if the only way to a joy-filled life is to have an intact nuclear family, which is good news because otherwise a lot of us would be screwed!
So, I'm trying to have a flexible attitude toward my future so that I can just roll with whatever is coming my way. The same pastor who recommended the support group to me always said, "You gotta stay flexible, or you'll break." and man, I think that's so true.
8. Looking for meaning in the suffering
The other day I heard a podcast host reference Viktor Frankl's work on suffering. Frankl's thought was that if we can find meaning in our suffering, then we are much more able to endure it.
It is one of the basic tenets of logotherapy that man’s main concern is not to gain pleasure or to avoid pain but rather to see a meaning in his life. That is why man is even ready to suffer, on the condition, to be sure, that his suffering has a meaning.
This reminded me of a verse in Romans that says,
We know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
I would not purposely pursue suffering, obviously. But suffering finds me, like it finds all of us, despite our best efforts to evade it.
Suffering is unavoidable, but I can look for meaning in it. I will probably have a clearer view of the meaning some years down the road, but here are a two things I've thought of.
I am less judgmental of others whose marriages have failed
The other day, I listened to an old Amy Grant album that came out around the time she got divorced. I remember that 19-year-old me was rather judgy about Amy walking away from her marriage. And now, look at me.
My 44-year-old self understands that many situations are way, way more complicated than they appear, and I do not immediately judge someone who initiates a divorce.
I now know that a divorce is not always what breaks a marriage or family; sometimes it is merely changing the already-broken to officially-broken.
I can have more empathy and I can show more compassion to others
Now that I have walked this path myself, I have huge amounts of empathy for other women who are in my situation. And I also have a good idea of how I could help them in the future.
I'm not really in a place to do a lot of helping right now, but I trust that in the future, God will send people my way, and I think my suffering will have equipped me to pour some love into those people.
___________________
Well. That's a pretty exhaustive list of what's helping me right now.
And in a few years, maybe I will circle back to this list and do an update; by then I will have some more perspective and distance, and I will have a better idea of how helpful all these coping mechanisms have been!
By sharing your journey you already are helping so many others! Thanks for being an encouragement to this FG community! Standing with you through it all... <3
@PD, Exactly what I was going to say!
As you pointed out Kristen, suffering finds all of us, and even if someone's suffering is a different flavor than yours, just knowing that you are walking through hard stuff right now helps. One of the things I've heard most from people venting to me about their hard journey is that no one else gets it because everyone else has it so much easier. We know that statistically that can't be true, but it's easy to believe because the hard/messy parts of our lives are often hidden except to those closest to us. Thanks for sharing what is helping you right now. Peace and healing to you!
I think that grief often gets mislabeled as depression, which is unfortunate because some of the ways to treat depression can slow down the natural grieving process. Also, people are uncomfortable with grief, just like they are uncomfortable with death, even though both are human experiences that will happen to us all. Sometimes simply acknowledging that grief is real and normal makes it seem more manageable.
@Becca, Excellent point!
100% agree with this; there is NOTHING wrong with feeling waves of sadness when something awful has happened to you. Nothing's broken; things are working as they should.
If you didn't have these feelings after a period of terrible suffering, THAT'S when we should consider that perhaps something is not functioning as it should!
One thing that has helped me in tough situations is to ask myself, as one of my kids phrases it: "Am I the asshole"? And trust my own judgment and answer the question with no if my judgment tells me so.
And walk, walk. My shoes have worn away many tears.
Just a quick response Kristen. Take care!
@J NL, AITA is a popular subreddit.
@Rose, Thanks for giving me another rabbit hole to fall down....
@Rose,
I think that is where our kids got the expression from. They follow several subreddits (is even a noun?) but one of my general life hacks is to avoid social media and similar time draining online forums (forae?).
FG is the one blog I read every day and respond to on a regular basis.
[I will have no peace now until I have looked up the plural for nouns of Latin origin]
Re: coping strategies, I would say one of my main ones has been to “make a date of it.” Six months after we were married, my husband had a life-threatening medical emergency. In the immediate aftermath, there were SO many doctors appointments, phone calls, etc. Our friends gathered around and, among the many amazing things they did, gave us gift cards to help out. To get both of us somewhere that wasn’t either a doctor’s office or our apartment, and to lighten a very scary time, we’d follow up his doctor’s visits by using one of the cards: the grocery store, the coffee shop, whatever, we’d make a date of it. Nearly a decade later, we still do this after his various check ups with his GP and his specialist; post-appointments, we have a zoo date, explore a new thrift shop, watch a favorite movie, and so on. Indeed, I still do this for myself when I have to follow up with medical insurance and billing snafus over the phone. I set aside time for the call and treat myself to a fancy coffee beforehand so I’ve something to enjoy while on hold.
Like you said, Kristen, it’s important to have those everyday bright spots and pick me ups. Enjoying them doesn’t mean you’re not acknowledging a hard situation, but part of processing hard things is giving yourself room to breathe and just be in the meanwhile. HUGS Kristen, you’re doing just fine and are wonderful for being so vulnerable with all of us here.
@N, Yes! Whenever my son has an appointment that is especially challenging for him (usually orthopedic specialists due to length and physical energy required) we celebrate with ice cream, or a trip to the music store with him. Making a day of it with him keeps us all in a better mood!
@N, my mother used to do this: Whenever she was coming back from a medical or dental visit with one of us, the patient of the day (if not seriously ill) always got an ice cream cone at the drugstore counter. (You can see I'm an old fart: When was the last time a US drugstore had an ice cream counter??)
And DH and I did this the day I had to take him for the extensive neuropsychological testing that confirmed the Alzheimer's diagnosis: One of our favorite restaurants was just down the street from the office, so we treated ourselves to a lavish lunch. The one bright spot in an otherwise grueling day.
@N, I read this to my hasband and we both laughed. We thought we were the only couple who followed up medical appointments with something special (in our case, usually a fancy coffee or restaurant). Sometimes I think it is the only reason one of us could force ourselves to go through another test or procedure. Although one nurse did give him a side eye as I was being wheeled off and he yelled out, "Hurry back, a Filet-o-Fish is waiting for you!"
@A. Marie, I remember ice cream counters in drugstores from my childhood. We were vacationing in Idaho last summer, and the little town where we stayed had an old-fashioned soda fountain counter, and you had better believe that I indulged in the nostalgia!
I, too, am a big believer in treating yourself when you have something hard that you have to do.
@N, oh, thank you for sharing this brilliant strategy! How very wonderful, wish I knew of it decades ago. However, I know it NOW (and have some not-fun events coming up, so am going to plan some treats for myself for afterwards)
@N,
Lol, I'm taking my hubby to a doctor follow up office visit tomorrow morning (he recently had a partial knee replacement). We're going to a favorite breakfast restaurant afterwards. 🙂
@A. Marie,
When I was a kid growing up in So. California, our local Thrifty Drug had an ice cream counter, 5 cents a "scoop" (it was more of a cylindrical scoop than a rounded one). You knew you were living large if you could afford a triple scoop!
@Liz B., Here in So Cal, Rite Aid took over Thrifty’s but there is still Thrifty ice cream:)
@Lindsey, LOL I’m glad we’re not the only ones, as it really does make a difference. “Well, that sucked/test results won’t be in for ——. Time for ice cream at the zoo!” 😛 Back when my husband still had quarterly appointments with his GP and his specialist (we’re down to twice a year for the latter, once for the former), we got our money’s worth out of our season zoo pass and then some!
@A. Marie, we don’t have the pleasure of drug store counter ice cream, but we do avail ourselves of the awesome locally owned shops and their custom flavors. One is in an historic building that still has all of its tin ceilings and woodwork, so it’s especially nice to sit and split a dish (their portions are generous, to say the least!).
@Ecoteri, Glad to be of help! Please treat yourself, and treat yourself well.
@N, I'm pregnant and needing to get blood drawn more regularly. I'm really squeamish and just hate it. I decided every time I have to have blood drawn, I get to have a chocolate milkshake!
@Sandra, Sure, but have you seen the PRICES? LOL!
While not in the same marital situation I want to Thank You for the posts you have been sharing this past year. If I can glean and learn so much from what you share I can only imagine what those is similar shoes to you have gained from your open and frank report.
@jes, I totally agree with you on this.
@jes, Like Carolyn, I totally agree with what you have said.
"HUGS" to you.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Kristen. Although the experiences I've had in the last few years are way different than yours, I've clung to Romans 8:28 through the pain, which is similar to your point about seeing the meaning in the suffering. I know that God is working for the good, and sometimes that means walking through the valleys and darkness and pain on the way to the good. Someday I will be able to help others who have walked through my flavor of pain and grief, and you will - and already are - doing the same. You are so much stronger than you thought you were.
I'm going through some hard times right now that are of a different sort than yours and while I've shared some publicly, some I don't really want to post on here.
A lot of days I just feel like I'm surviving. I do a lot of questioning about myself and if I'm good enough or if there's something seriously wrong with me.
I just try to pour my efforts into things I can control like being able to create good memories with my daughter. I try to work to make my wife feel satisfied as well and to try and be less about myself.
Dear Battra92, You do not have to share all, for us to feel you are in pain.
Do not question your worth.
Take care- wishing you not only to survive but thrive
@Battra92, yes, control what you can. You are worth every minute! your duaghter will cherish each and every memory.
What a deep post today. Thank you for sharing and I predict you are going to be fine down the road. I think you are already helping people through this blog and don't forget that others feel useful when they are able to help others (accept the help you are receiving these days).
I too have decided in recent years that the woods offer me more peace and serenity than the ocean (waves).
❤️
I’ve had broken bones. They healed nicely and never bother me. Some people have pain all their life from an injury.
I had a broken marriage. There was a lot of abuse. For a time after it ended it was like being rolled and tumbled in a rough surf. Then at some point I didn’t even think about it. I ran into him at a funeral and thought “oh yeah, you’re that guy”. Maybe it’s denial, maybe just moving on.
Eisenstein liked to walk. He wasn’t a faithful husband.
I think my opinion of Amy will always be colored by knowing Janice.
I had a close friend staying with me because her husband harmed her. I had to take her to a shelter to provide more protection. That certainly gave me perspective. The haunted eyes of the little children. Whatever you have to do just staying alive gives you options.
@Tiana, wait, Eisenstein? The Russian director? He was gay.
@Rose, exactley.
As someone going through a separation but still having to live together , I understand those emotions. Somedays I feel overwhelmed by guilt and think I should just put my emotions aside and suffer so others will be happy, I see reminders of a happier time and I feel like crying . Other days, I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Every split is different
One thing that helps me is to treat myself well. I always get a massage on my wedding anniversary, for example. I always buy myself nice birthday and Christmas gifts.
I'm always honest with other people about why I'm having a hard time. If other people don't know, they can't help. For instance, I've been super sick with all my chronic diseases flaring the past few weeks since my BFF had been deteriorating. I have missed about five of my craft circle meetings, and I love them. I was honest--grief is making me sick, and colitis in particular makes me nervous to leave the house.
Yesterday I had to pick out music for BFF's memorial service and you better believe I cried buckets. I told everyone and they sympathized. I told my sister yesterday that I felt bad because I can't afford to fly to NOLA for the service, even though I'm arranging it all. Instead I will speak remotely. It stings because if BFF were alive she'd buy me a ticket in a second, although it would be a little strange to have a memorial service if she were alive.
In addition to being honest, I am honest with myself and I don't judge my feelings. I don't think "she ought to be over this by now." Some things will hurt forever and that's all there is to it; I accept that.
I honor other people's grief. In addition to everything else, a few days ago was my brother's birthday, the one who was killed by a car in his teens. I've a bad feeling I'm the only one who remembers him to my mom--I always send her flowers on his birthday.
And I've been forcibly taught, once again, that the things I spend most time worrying about are just a waste of time. I'm not even currently angry at my ex; when my son talked to him on Christmas, he said that BFF had died, and my ex was saddened, since he'd known her as long as he'd known me. And he said, "I hope your mother is holding up OK," and now I'm not angry with him. Eh, there's always time to get angry again, right? No, we're learning important lessons here, shut up, wiseass.
etc.
also, the ocean is better.
@Rose, I love that you send your mother flowers on your brother's birthday.
@Anne, My dad's birthday too! And of course Mother's Day and her birthday. And sometimes just because it's been too long since I've sent her flowers.
That's something I taught my son: women LOVE flowers. Send em early and often! (He does bring me flowers often, too.)
I'm so glad that your ex was able to show you some compassion in the face of your loss. <3
@Rose,
One thing I read that really resonated with me is that there is no timeline for grief. There are some people (and pets, and lost friendships) whose loss I will grieve until the day I die.
And another vote for the ocean.
A couple of years ago, I learned something that changed a lot of what I thought I knew about the family I grew up in. It was very much akin to grief, as I worked through my shock and other feelings. One thing that I kept in mind is that all the feelings I was feeling--there were a lot, and they changed as time went on, of course--were okay. They were, to use the jargon, valid. BUT. They were also transitory to an extent. Two years down the road, I am definitely not as angry or as disappointed. Those feelings didn't go away, but they have lessened over time.
I think of it as water smoothing the edges of broken glass over time. The hurt doesn't go away, but it does become something that can be handled without pain. It is also possible for people to refuse to allow their sharp edges of hurt to ever smooth down, and then they live with that pain always in the form of bitterness. Something I did not want for me or my family.
I pray for you that you hurt smooths away into a state of peace with no sharp edges.
@kristin @ going country,
This is a lovely metaphor. In my experience, the sense of loss never completely goes away.
@kristin @ going country, love the metaphor of water smoothing glass. What a wonderful way to think of it. Thanks for sharing that.
Water doesn't actually smooth glass. Beach glass is made by being tumbled in the waves and sand and the salt water helps.
Yes, I'm that person. Sorry.
@Rose,
So to bring it back to the metaphor, it's not life (the water) that smooths out our rough edges, it's the sand and the salt (the adversity and the tears).
Long time reader, first time poster. Wow, God really knows what I need now. I actually was coming in to go through your separation posts because I am going through it.
I had ankle surgery the 23rd and that has been hard enough. My husband and I have had a complicated marriage but the past few months seemed really, really great. I know the cycle of abuse well but still wanted to believe this time was actually going to be okay.
I am completely overwhelmed. I have bad anxiety and not being able to be on my feet and clean my house has my depression and anxiety in a tail spin. I cried and asked my husband for help. He got extremely angry and said I wasn’t appreciating him. That night he locked me out of our room. In frustration, I began yelling and kicked the door with my good foot. He called the police on me. They suggested one of us go elsewhere. Thank God for friends.
So now I am living with my kids out of a bag at my friend’s house. I have felt ALL of the emotions: betrayal, angry, suicidal thoughts, heart break, etc. He should be helping me more than ever now instead of breaking me apart. He is also trying to dictate when and how he will see the kids, etc.
I can’t say I feel “good” knowing your marriage is in a bad way too. Of course not. However, knowing I am not alone in my grief makes this feel more like the visitation than the actual funeral. Thank you.
@Ash, What a terrible situation! You describe things articulately-- "cycle of abuse" seems to show you know what is happening. Keep breathing, don't be alone, hug and listen to your children, remind yourself of your worth, and take one step at a time.
@Ash, I'm so sorry. You are a beautiful person worth being cared for and treated kindly. Stick close to your friends and those who treasure you. Hold tight to your kids. Hugs to you (if you do hugs. If not a virtual fist bump)
@Ash, I'm so sorry. Welcome to this kind community, and I hope you will find help and support here.
Oh Ash, I am so very sorry you are going through this. I am sending you so much love; hang in there. You are not alone, and you will get through this.
@Ash, Come back and post again. This is a very supportive group, no matter what kind of pain a person is going through.
@Kristen,
Thank you all so much for your kind words. Kristen, your vulnerability in sharing this journey has been so helpful. I am sorry you and anyone else on here who has to weather this storm.
I get very sad and angry that he gets to stay at home while we are here living out of trash bags.
However, I have things he never will. I have friends who pray for me, with me, literally opened their home to us, have brought food, text and message me constantly because they care. I was having a bad day yesterday and a friend dropped everything to come over and see me. She brought puzzle books and let me just cry and talk. He is a narcissist. He will never have any of that. I also have faith and feelings, again something he will never have.
I also submitted to God completely and something amazing happened. A few months ago, I applied to be a caseworker for CYS. My heart is meant for serving, especially children. I made it through all the rounds and then nothing. They called yesterday and said they are interested in potentially offering me a job. I explained about my ankle and they said that was no problem. I have had to be dependent on my husband and he is financially abusive. A chance to give my kids a new start and be on my own is so life changing. Please keep me in prayers and thoughts about this.
Aww, Ash. I am very glad that you came back to comment again. Please don't be a stranger.
I completely get the anger about losing your home; in my support group, every last one of us had to be the one to leave the family home. It's so common and it sucks so much.
I'm so glad you have a potential job now. Yay! I hope that this works out well for you and helps you guys get on your feet again.
@Ash, congratulations! Even if this job doesn’t work out, there are other options. You are showing your kids what courage looks like. Give yourself a little grace, and a little time, and feel the prayers all around you. Honest lives are not easy to live, but how much better than lies and bruises! I hope your ankle heals well.
This is a heartbreakingly beautiful post, Kristen. Thank you for sharing this wisdom here.
Your wave analogy is one I will write down so I can remeber it. So beautifully said!
Though I have not experienced divorce, I certainly have experienced grief in other forms. I have done many of the things you write about, and they have helped me.
Moving the focus to helping others - volunteering, increasing random acts of kindness and service, surely helped me.
We also adopted our current dog shortly after the very difficult loss of my mother. I put so much love and attention into getting him healthy and giving him so much love.
Mmm, yes, helping others is a good one too!
I am 20 years out from the end of a 26 year marriage. It was horrible and terrible and all, BUT I came through it stronger and more sure of who I am. I did remarry and finally, after a life of emotional and verbal abuse, know what it is to be loved and cherished.
You are in those early days and you are coping beautifully, but you may not be able to see that now. It DOES get better. It WILL prove to be a blessing in the long run and you will look back on these days with the knowledge that you made it through stronger and wiser and more your own authentic person.
Kristen,
I am so happy to hear that you are processing things. So many times people don't want to express emotions. God gives us emotions to express. Ugly cry. It helps! After my mother passed, we all said it was OK to Ugly cry and we did. We still have our moments of Ugly crying. And as you said, it is a wave and will come and go. I don't have the beautiful words you do, but I"m happy to hear you are working through all the waves that come your way.
Oh yes. I have done SO MUCH ugly crying as I process all of this. The gut-wrenching sobbing is no fun, but I can feel that it is a kind of pain that brings healing.
Thank you for sharing this Kristen. It's helpful no matter what difficulties one is facing in life. Your comments about waves reminds me of a quote by the meditation teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn. He says, "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." It's encouraged me through my grief and other difficulties in life. I sit with my emotions while meditating and have found it very helpful. Ignoring it, or trying to push it down does not work. If anything it will come back even stronger, and sometimes at a really awkward time/place. I will send you, and anyone else here who needs it, much loving-kindness during my next meditation sitting.
Here are the things that have helped me in my journey through Alzheimer's "widowhood":
(1) The Bestest Neighbors and the other neighbors, always.
(2) My two BFFs (JASNA and Grad School), both of whom live in other cities, but both of whom I can call at any time and count on for understanding. JASNA BFF is a recent actual widow, so among our other nicknames for each other, we've taken to using De Jure (her) and De Facto (me).
(3) Walks, always. Count me in among the "desperate walkers," as Jane Austen once called herself and her friend Martha Lloyd.
(4) Gardening, in season. Obviously I can't do this in a Central NY winter, so I fool around with my many houseplants in winter instead.
(5) The two discussion forums at alzconnected.org, which serve the same function for me as Kristen's online support group does for her. There are some things that nobody except other people who have partners with Alzheimer's will understand about having a partner with Alzheimer's.
(6) Asking for help (around the house, etc.) when I need it. This one's been tough for me because of my upbringing; as the third and youngest daughter in a family of four children, I grew up with the idea that my main function in life was not to make trouble for anyone. But I'm getting there.
(7) Knowing that although I've made a few mistakes along the way, I've gotten all of the important stuff right. As my financial advisor told me back in October, "You've done the best you could with an awful situation."
(8) Maintaining a sense of humor. To the extent that I embrace any religious doctrine, I try to follow the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism--but my translation of the First Truth into modern American lingo is "@#$! happens."
P.S. to preceding: I should have included Kristen and this community as a ninth coping mechanism for me. And my continuing sympathy to Rose on the loss of her BFF; I can well imagine that I'll be devastated if I survive either of mine.
@A. Marie, De Jure and De Facto are extremely funny.
my other BFF died suddenly at the age of 50 five years ago. We were BFFs from grade school. My son keeps asking me to stop calling myself the Grim Reaper. I said fine, I'll be a Banshee then.
There's no one close left now who knew me in the 80s, knows my family dynamics, met my brother who died. Ah well.
@A. Marie,
Your #5 - yes! Talking with someone who's been there is so helpful!
@Rose, your joking about yourself as the Grim Reaper/Banshee reminds me of a conversation I had several years ago with another friend (one from undergrad days). I told her that at the times when my maternal grandmother, my father, and my mother died, I'd already had a plane ticket in hand to go see each of them (all I had to do was juggle the dates). She said, "Whoa! You're not flying down to see ME any time soon!" Whereupon we both laughed like maniacs.
@A. Marie, That is SO funny!
Thank you for sharing this. It is helpful not only for those who have seen the dissolution of a marriage, but it is helpful to those who are experiencing a life-changing illness or the death of a loved one. As you have shared, allowing yourself to grieve, taking time for self-care and seeking support are important during the healing process.
Since I had younger children at home, these were things that I did not do when I lost my mother, father and sisters. Thus, I have found that my sense of loss has never completely disappeared. A decade and a half later, I am finally processing this grief.
So be kind to yourself. I hope your heart will soon heal, and I am thankful you have chosen to share your journey. You have helped many.
I would say up until my youngest was about three my husband and I had a rocky marriage. He says otherwise. Lol! Must just be different perspectives. It has been hard, I didn't grow up with the greatest role models for parents. I learned some bad behaviors as far as how to treat people and it has been a learning curve for sure. I still get things wrong. I definitely don't listen like I should, something I need to continue to work on. As far as what has helped me cope, I would say the community of co workers and friends I have to lean on. If it weren't for them to listen to my chatter everyday I would go nuts. My husband isn't big on small talk, which is totally ok that is just the way he is. Also, having my younger brother home from the military has been awesome. He retired from the Air Force and moved back home. He and one of my other sisters that lives close by get together regularly for a meal out, and that has been really nice. We are planning an international sibling trip in the fall. It's to Romania to visit creepy castles. I babysat these younger kids when we were little and I did force them to watch some scarier movies, so they are well prepared for this trip:)
This was a meaningful post, thank you, Kristen. Your openness is so admirable and appealing.
Coping:
Before Covid, I had a small group, four of us, who met weekly. Now, it no longer meets, and one member has moved away due to a new job. I miss that group, but I've recently been emailing and texting with one member who is now going through the same kind of health issues with her husband that I've had with mine, and all the hurt, fear, anger and despair that can bring. It's helping both of us to talk it out.
I'm a woods person, too, but I don't dare walk through the woods around me, since they are 1) full of thick tangles, poison ivy and briars 2) full of Eastern Diamondback rattlesnakes, bears and coyotes and 3) full of mosquitoes. My best solution is to walk in areas with trees, even if it's on a paved path, and that helps. I confess I miss the long-ago days of walking through the quiet, airy woods on my grandfather's farm.
My family is open to listening. My sisters and my kids will let me talk. It would be different if I was going through a divorce - I would not feel right sharing all my feelings with the children who would be stuck between the parents they love - but like A. Marie, I'm a "widow" and I can share my feelings with my kids, as well as listen to them share with me. They've been hit with the "loss" of a father, and seeing him as he is now is no less painful to them than it is to me, so we have "grief sessions" together at times.
I have a Stephen Minister, whom I really appreciate. The ministry is not based in any particular denomination, but it so happens that my church has an active group of Stephen Ministers who are trained to listen, question occasionally, carefully and gently, lift up, pray in intercession, and be confidential. They don't offer advice, they are just there to be open to you.
Thankfulness, such as in Thankful Thursdays. I have so much to be thankful for! It helps to remember that when I'm down.
Life surely can toss some huge waves at us, and sometimes I feel as though I was knocked down and drug across the sand for a long way before I could stand up and catch my breath again. But the tide goes out, just as it comes in. Pain and joy both will ride in and out on the waves. My late mother - no stranger to painful times - always said, "This, too, will pass," and she was right. Any given wave may leave scars or it may leave laugh lines, but it will pass, so during the bad times, hang on tight, and during the good times, enjoy and soak in.
What a blessing to be able to talk to with your kids about this! They are some of the people in the world who can best understand how you feel, I bet.
@JD,
A loss such as the one you have experienced is so painful. I’m glad you have support and the love of your family.
As one Floridian to another, I also only walk in the woods on cold, cold days. Pigmy rattlesnakes are common in our wooded areas. However, it is important to use walkovers on sand dunes. Snakes like the beach front too! It must be the view.
I’m wondering why, after nearly five years, I still can’t process my sister’s death. I just still can’t believe she’s not here. So much has changed; it’s overwhelming. Her death was not sudden. We had effectively “ lost “ her for some time beforehand; she had vascular dementia. I don’t think I’ve really GRIEVED in the true sense of the word. I’ve worked hard to avoid it apparently. My dad died two years later; and while this was also devastating, he was elderly with a myriad of health problems. Don’t get me wrong-his loss was horrible for the whole family as well. But I was able to process that grief.
@SandyH, My sympathies. Death of a sibling is entirely different from death of a parent; I've experienced both myself. (My brother's was very shocking, too.)
@Rose, I agree, in some ways the abrupt death of my brother this year was harder to cope with.
My parents were older and we knew what they died from.
Thanks goodness for my 2 sisters, we have spent hours and hours on phone calls, greaving this out.
@karen, grieving
@karen, One of the things that especially hurt was that I was in college, I and four friends rented a house together, but I also had lots of friends on campus, and not one of them--except for BFF--said one single thing about my brother's death or referred to it in any way. They didn't know what to say, they told BFF. And almost unbelievably, some of my friends didn't say anything about BFF's death either. I called them out in public. We're in our 50s now--time to be grownups and say "I'm so sorry." That's all that's required. Disheartening really.
Oh and yes of course, as usual, people think I'm the ahole for calling out bad behavior. That's the way the world works. Women are supposed to shut up and be nice.
Hugs to you. I hope that you can find a way to process through this; the processing is so uncomfortable, but I have faith that there is something better on the other side. The only way out is through, as they say.
@Rose, YES! no one said anything about my brother dying. Even something as simple as, I am so sorry.
I had a lot of sympathy regarding my parents deaths. My sisters and I discussed this and they had the same experience.
So I have decided if I know someone whose sibling dies I am going to send a card and be sure to say something to them when I see them.
@Rose,
Thank you for saying that! I lost my dad in 2006, my mom in 2019, both die to illness. Eight months after we lost mom I unexpectedly lost my brother, my Irish twin, and that has leveled me. I have learned the death of a sibling is a tremendous thing and very unlike the loss of my parents.
Kristen, I am so grateful to you for sharing your journey with us. While we may be grieving for different reasons we are all still grieving and you sharing your struggles and what is helping you is good for us all. Thank you!
I write.
I pick up my poisoned pen and let loose.
It's amazing what you can discover about yourself when brutal honesty is right there in black and white.
Interestingly, once it's all out there on the page (call it a purge I suppose) it also helps me think about possible different perspectives that my loud inner goblin was getting in the way of.
Take care of your self.
@April, I like the term "loud inner goblin." May I steal it?
@A. Marie,
Absolutely!
Those waves of sadness/anger still come up from time to time many years down the road. I’ve been divorced for years and I’m happily remarried. I can sit next to my ex during our son’s band concerts and have a friendly conversation with him. We can still share an inside joke. We can still share with each other if we are having a tough time (recently the anniversary of his host father’s death). But sometimes out of the blue I remember something that hurt me or a reminder of a past hurt shows up and I am surrounded by anger. I hate those times because I don’t want him to have that type of emotional pull on me anymore. These memories happen less and less but I’m sure there will always be a tender spot on my heart.
What helped me in the beginning (and it’s all similar to what I read here daily) was surrounding myself with friends and family, I purged my house of all the things I didn’t want anymore, I made my house my own by repainting in colors I loved, I changed my career, I focused on my physical health, I worked really hard on being positive.
What helps me now is to remind myself of what was good in my previous marriage (my son, we traveled to amazing places, we really did have some good times together) because regretting 13 years of marriage gets me nowhere, I focus on how to make my current marriage a safe place for both of us, I remind myself that who I was then is not who I have to be now (I wasn’t always the best me I could be, but I can try to be now), I tell my son nice things about his dad so that he doesn’t feel that he has to choose sides. I also know that I did everything in my power to work on our marriage so I can walk into my future with my head held high.
I still struggle with being someone who is divorced. The word makes me feel like a failure. That’s a mindset I’d like to change but I’m sure that will be many miles down the road.
@Geneva, thank you for sharing. I recognise what you say about feeling pain over the old marriage at odd times, many years later.
Kristen, thanks for sharing. Suffering is common to the human experience, and yet, so many of those who suffer feel alone. Acknowledging your hard is helpful to all of us.
How do I cope?
1. Moving as much as possible: walking kids to bus stop, shoveling, running, rowing, lifting weights.
2. Writing down those thoughts about loss/grief that spring up, especially if it feels like it's a string of thought with a knot a little ways down. My hard is a different flavor than yours, but a lot of similar feelings of grief, loss, stuffing emotions for too long, and I'm starting to work through those things now.
3. Leaving margin for time to think and process. Historically I coped by staying busy, and that led to explosions of emotion rather than processing the big feelings in a healthy manner that led to growth.
Thank you for sharing this, Kristen. We recently learned my ex-husband (the father of my two now adult daughters) died and my daughters are going through some intense feelings they thought they resolved many, many years ago regarding his abandonment of them when they were very young. I feel so helpless in supporting them through this time and I'm so sad they're having to process such painful emotions. Their grief is complicated.
That is so hard; to navigate your own pain but also the pain of your children. I understand.
Take the high road. When trying to cope thru my divorce I always asked myself if I was taking the high road. That allowed me to know I was doing my best and not making it worse. This in turn made me feel better. Thank. you for sharing your feelings Kristen.
Love you to the moon and back, bestie!
It's not just that your marriage ends, but the plans for the rest of your life must be changed. It's just overwhelming.
(HUGS) GOD BLESS!!
I love this post for so many reasons. It's heartfelt, it's logical, it's honest. But I also realized it's all FRUGAL. I don't think any of these steps actually require money. I think we can all use these steps in our lives. Thanks, Kristen.
That's so true! I hadn't thought of it, but yeah, my coping is all basically free.
I smiled when you mentioned rolling with the waves. I often think of grief as a wave. You can be moving along just fine, then a song, or a conversation, or a building whips up all the feelings and you are a basket case. My best advice to have a box of tissues and be kind to yourself. Grief never goes away, but the rough edges do smooth out.
Yes. It's so, so unpredictable!
Although my journey is completely different than your, I share some of the same feelings and also have those waves of grief. Yes, it's okay.
One of the hardest things for me is that getting out in nature is definitely one of the best things for my mental health and I am not physically able right now (I am so jealous of your walks). I am short of breath with oxygen desaturations just walking to the kitchen (and my house is small). I live in a beautiful place of natural wonder with amazing trails but it's cold outside or I'd just get outside and sit in a comfy chair, I could make a fire but again, I can't breathe..... and all of this just reminds me of how my body is failing me.
That's made this holiday season very hard for me. And messy house?? More stress....
And I feel so very alone in this.
Tomorrow I get my CT (chest, abdomen, pelvis) results and maybe then I will know what else can be done for me. Praying that this is not my life forever or the beginning of the end. Thank you for giving me a place to lay all of this down, I hold a lot to myself in real life.
@Leann, I'm so sorry. My craptastic body hates me. My son is now calling me Stagger Lee because of my gait.
@Rose, I try really hard to love my body and everything it does for me even since being so sick. I figure sending out loving positive messages has to got to help somehow? And quite honestly, I've surprised some of these medical people with how well I've been able to do (currently 18 months of chemo and 10 months of immunotherapy) so I really do think it helps! Tell your body thanks for my legs to carry me around even if I do have a funky gait, lol.
@Leann, that all makes total sense to me. I'll pray for your results tomorrow. I wish we FGers could take you out for a treat after your CT results, following N's good suggestion.
@Leann, isn't it wonderful that we have this place where we can lay down heavy burdens. Am praying for good results for you at tomorrow's CT.
Sending so much love to you, Leann. You can always, always share with us here.
@Leann, I am so sorry you feel alone in this. It just sucks to have your body become your enemy. I hope the support of this group gives you some comfort.
@Leann, Good for you. If you want to email me, I'd be happy to listen. Ask Kristen for my address.
OK, fine, my body isn't my enemy. It's just not working to the best of its ability. I think it's getting a 1.5 on its annual performance reviw.
You are enough! Amy Grant’s music has brought me comfort thru many hard times.
She like me is not perfect but tries to lead with grace and dignity.
Thank you for your honesty. Sending you love and more importantly HOPE!
What a great post! Thank you for sharing your life. When I blind myself trapped by harmful things that have been said to and that I now say to myself— you’re worthless, you’re damaged beyond repair—I remind myself what God says: never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. You are not alone.
@Barb, Only a complete jerkoff loser would say that to you. Don't listen to the opinions of jerkoff losers, I say.
When I was a child my mum and I went through a terrible 4 year divorce/custody battle with my dad. I also have experience of my marriage ending, with the obvious pain and guilt, but with the minimum amount of hassle possible (did it without lawyers and therefore frugal!).
Even 9 years later I haven’t been able to delete some emails from my ex, it panics me to look at them, even though none of them are bad. I think that links to the idea that grief is not a linear process. The anger, sadness etc ebb (to keep with the wave analogy), so I try not to beat myself up about that. I’ll be able to get to them, but maybe I’m holding off because that will be the final letting go, and I haven’t fully worked through my guilt of it ending, even though I’m happy with someone else now.
I think it’s brave of you to share Kristen, and I like the way you’re referring to ‘flavours of hard’, that was clever.
Can’t remember who said it but I like the phrase, “if you’re going through hell, keep going”.
@Victoria, oh, hell, yes, grief isn't linear. Even Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who came up with the idea of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), said toward the end of her own life that she regretted not making it clearer that this was not a linear, lockstep process. Me, I can go through three or four of these stages in a single day.
Can confirm this as well. Last winter, I went through a phase of being very angry, and then that subsided. I thought, "Oh, ok, I guess maybe I'm done with the anger part." But nope, it came roaring back later in the year.
I move around in all of those stages randomly, and I am just trying to trust the process; the grief will lead where it needs to lead.
I am in awe of your honesty, as always. Holding you up in prayer and good thoughts. I went through an ugly divorce many years ago, it wasn't easy, everyone loved him and thought he was a wonderful guy. In many ways he was, but it wasn't tenable for me. It's so much better on the other side now, and I hope you find the same to be true. We all have different reasons for coming to this decision, but it does make us so much less judgmental when it's over. xoxo
I so enjoy the support of this blog in many ways. Thanks to all who comment regularly. I wanted to add, the flavor of my divorce 19 years ago was cheating. I was willing to stay with counseling for our two sons, but he did not want to. I was the good wife- always an optimist, seeing the positive in helping others. I encouraged him to do what he loved and while doing that, he started an affair. I didn't think I would meet anyone new, but happily I did and we've been married for 17 years. SO HAPPY now. However, I've analyzed some situations which have come at me both professionally and in a volunteer setting that I've been involved in for 18 years. I am triggered emotionally (and pretty violently with crying) whenever there is a situation where I'm being underappreciated or "replaced" due to nothing of my own behavior, but just the other party wants to make a change. Sometimes this is done in a sneaky, behind my back way and other times it's straight forward. This last time I had to analyze my STRONG hysterical reaction to one of these instances. I'm thinking "I am not an emotional person...why is this breaking my heart when it really doesn't matter?". Then I remember that I'll probably always be emotional when someone stops appreciating me and sees the need to replace me. Once I could tie that feeling to the divorce, it made logical sense and I could understand the over-the-top reaction. You will be prone to triggers in the future and it's wise to know why and accept the reaction. Lots of love and joy will live along side these random occurrences. Thank you for helping so many.
Aww, I am delighted that you found a happy relationship after your first marriage. Yay!
And yes, I think that when we have an outsized reaction to something, that's usually a sign the reaction is about something in our past. Good for you for recognizing that.
@Kristen,
Trisha Yearwood -
The Song Remembers When
Thank you for sharing this part of your journey and I just wanted to comment because what you noted about holding your future loosely is actually what has helped me cope during difficult times. I would classify my relationship as a “hard marriage” as a result of the disease of alcoholism. While we may not grow old together as I envisioned, this is still only one of many possibilities for my future and it is exciting to imagine other alternatives for my future self. Walking, running with my ear pods blasting music, and my friends have also been a source of strength. I know my family is supportive and love me but they are also where some of my enabling and people pleasing behaviors originated from, so a little distance from them is ok sometimes. Not going to lie though some days are just sh***y and no amount of coping helps!
I’m now 4 years separated from my husband and something that I have started doing is “redeeming” places that hold horrible memories. For instance, we once went out to a beautiful Italian restaurant as a family for my birthday and throughout the dinner my husband was worse than miserable and made it known, it brought me to tears. He left the table early to sit in the car and I got the bill and had to explain to our waiter and the kids that we had to leave early (even though we weren’t finished our meals). So… my daughter and I chose to go to this restaurant on a mum and daughter date in order to give this place a wonderful memory for us instead of the dreadful one that it had been. The kids (now 16 & 18) and I are making a conscious effort to do this whenever we can. It’s sometimes hard to revisit these places but it’s so worth it. ❤️
Oh, that is so funny that you say that because I have been busily doing that this year! I called it "overwriting" but the idea is exactly the same.
@Heather and Kristen, what an excellent idea. Even to make locations or situations neutral again would be better than surrounding yourself with a geography of pain.
Your mention of "beauty for ashes" made me look up that verse: Isaiah 61:3. "To give to those that mourn (in Zion) beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness......... that the Lord might be glorified." I believe that your spirit will definitely glorify God as you go on this journey and you will help countless others in the process. Thanks so much for sharing.
@Addy, Ash made into lye is a major ingredient in soap.
Thank you for sharing this. I am walking through my own (different) sadness. Your post today makes me think that although I may never be done with this sorrow it may become a less sharp and horrifying pain. And that gives me some comfort and some strength.
Big hugs to you. And yes, I think with time (and healthy coping mechanisms and support and processing!), things get easier.
You amaze me. Much love and hugs sent your way.
Thank you for being so open. Your explanations of your coping strategies is well thought out and well written. I am glad I am part of this group. Even if I don't know how I found it.
Such a wonderful post. Thank you for your honesty.
What’s helped me is knowing I can hold two (or more) big feelings in my heart at the same time, and they don’t cancel each other out. Even if they seem like they shouldn’t be able to coexist. Neither feeling is wrong and all feelings pass through.
I have never been a drinker, I just don't care for the taste. But what has helped me during times of trouble is to apply the "one day at a time" mantra to my life. Sometimes it can be more like one step at a time, but if I concentrate on making it through that one step right this moment, it stops me from falling apart. This works a lot better than how my father taught me to cope: no matter how bad I felt or what terrible thing had happened, he used to say, "Well, at least you are not in a concentration camp." All it did was make me feel another layer of misery because now I felt guilty complaining to him when he had lived through those experiences. I am ashamed of how long it took me to stop passing on that useless advice to other people---I was well into adulthood before I realized it did not help me or anybody else.
@Lindsey, Huh, really? When my kids were whining about some entitled nonsense they didn't have, I said, "Hey, you don't live in the Warsaw Ghetto! Now cram it."
@Rose, I'm not talking about ordinary whining. I am talking about finding out something terrible or life changing and then having your grief be discounted by someone telling you that you have no right to weep with sorrow because your parents had it worse living through Nazi work/extermination camps. Of course that was terrible but finding out at 15 that you will never be able to have children doesn't mean nothing because someone else had a horrible thing happen. Or finding out a friend died is somehow not worth grieving over because someone else was in a concentration camp.
@Lindsey, Oh of course you're right, sorry.
Thanks for your honesty. Most of us have a poor vocabulary for suffering, pain, and loss. But it lifts my heart to be heard, and I think our more awful experiences make us better listeners. Listening patiently to me was a gift from others when I struggled to feel valid as a person. Remembering that gift helps me now listen to others. And you are right. The view from “the pits” is not easy to share.
When I got divorced, among my first thoughts was "now I won't have a 50th wedding anniversary." Funny for you to call that one out too, and hugs to you.
@Kate, My parents didn't either even though they were married for 53 years. Because they lied about their wedding day to everyone because Mom was pregnant. I did not find out the actual date of their marriage until after my father's death in 2016. Can you believe it?
Thank you, Kristen, for so much wisdom and good advice! I’m so sorry this is happening to you, and I truly believe that at the end of the waves, you’ll find your peaceful cove. I live in S Florida, 10 miles at most from the beach, but I’m a New Englander at heart, and I love and miss (!) the woods so much. Walking on the beach is nice, but it’s not the woods. I need to remember your pastor’s advice about being flexible or you’ll break! I needed to hear that today. Big hugs!!
It is so inspiring that you are:
1. Making your way through this
2. Able to recognize what you need to get through this time
3. Able to find the words to articulate it so well
4. Willing to share
None of these are small accomplishments. You may not have a 50th wedding anniversary but I have to say...recognizing one year, ten years, 25 years, etc of making the big decision to make your life better is worth celebrating too. Keep going - you're doin' it!
Thank you for that perspective!
Not something that's helpful, but something to cover you s little chuckle. My husband and I have been married 38 (!!!) years. I'd been married before (5 years), but this is his first. When people ask him how long we've been married, he'll say, "Thirty-eight years, but Ruthie's been married longer!" He always gets confused looks, but it makes him laugh!
GIVE, not cover. Good grief, autocorrect. What now???
Kristen I'm very new to your blog, I respect your thoughts and words. Depression is mainly suppressed anger; there is help readily available. I am one of many that takes an anti-depressent; it is a help. Continue to do that which you are doing. Music is also a significant mood changer or mood enhancer.
Welcome, welcome! Glad to have you here.
Music is another good one to add to the list; making music yourself, or listening to music.
I don’t know if my message will reach you, but almost 9 years ago to the day - my husband walked out the door to work, and never came back. He left me for his secret pregnant girlfriend, who was the same age as our oldest son. Even almost 9 years later, I’m way past the hard parts. But I still suffer from nightmares, asking over and over - where do you go, and why did you quit caring? You do get better, but some parts of you do take longer to heal. I think you’ll be okay someday, but don’t be surprised if things still linger in your dreams and nightmares. I love my life without him, but one time I loved him too. THAT was my life, but I’m glad he left too. I hope you find a way to heal, but just be kind to yourself - always! And I’ve read your blog probably since the beginning! So I’ve seen all you’ve been though, and I’ve learned from you too! I do wish you the best of luck, and we are all here for you!
What a beautiful and brave post Kristen. I am so sorry that you are in this situation but please know you are a guiding light for those of us also suffering from sadness and grief and all the feelings whatever the specifics of our situations might be. I am a caregiver for my mother with Alzheimer’s and your metaphor of waves is such an apt description. Life is so hard sometimes but it really does help to see others expressing emotions that we all feel like we should be too strong to feel. I can go for weeks just taking care of business and then I will have a few days where I just need to wallow in my sadness. It is so much better to own the sadness and acknowledge it rather than try to ignore it. Sometimes it takes seeing or hearing about someone else’s grief to make us realize that it won’t just go away. As you described, it just needs to bubble up and out. Thank you for your honesty and wisdom. Whether you feel you are doing it right or wrong now or five years from now, your words and experience today are a salve to those of us who are also struggling. Thank you.
This is so beautifully honest, Kristen. You may be in the middle of your gief, but sharing what is helping you is a blessing to so many! It reminds me of one of my favorite bible versses (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
For me to cope during hard times, I had to find the balance between spending alone time reflecting and processing the grief while still participating in social activities. I went through a separation/divorce about 9 years ago. My kiddos were elementary school aged then and suddenly I had a lot more alone time to reflect or try new things while they were visiting with their father. How I specifically coped:
*I rediscovered my love of hiking (and if I'm not mistaken, walked that very trail Kristen pictured). There IS something very soothing about walking in the woods! Sometimes, I also took hiking trips with my sister.
* I picked up a hobby or two (rock climbing anyone?) and made new friends.
* I journaled. This was one of the most impactful things I did during those dark times.
* I joined a new church and a new small life group for singles (where I met my now husband).
When I went through my separation and divorce, I really tried hard not to say "My marriage failed", "We have a broken family" etc. Those negative statements really heaped on my guilt. I was struggling in so many areas that I had to rephrase things mainly for me but also for my kiddos. We all put forth effort in areas that don't work out. We tried different sports or activities when we were young. We all change. And as you mentioned our vision for our future is rarely the truth. Hold on to your self-worth and be willing to see the new beauty that God has planned for you.
Wow you are amazing! You are so Christ focused, it comes through loud and clear. I think you are already helping people through your courage and honesty. Your attitude is very important in how you cope. You have accomplished so many positive things in the last year. What a beautiful example you are setting for your family! Blessings!!
You seem really terrific and I hate knowing that you were suffering all that time. You’re doing the right thing, and of course it’s painful, I’m so sorry that it is. Grief is so odd - you’ll feel ok one minute and the next - you’re crying at a building, but eventually, you won’t. You deserve good things. I’m glad you’re advocating for a good life for you.
Warm hugs from the cold North,
Jennifer
Thanks sooooo much for sharing. I am and have been going through a very hard situation. Your thoughts and genuine feelings and disappointments and honest have really helped me also. Thanks for your honesty.
The Island
Wave of sorrow
do not drown me now.
I see the island
still ahead somehow.
I see the island
and its sands are fair.
Wave of sorrow,
take me there.
Langston Hughes
This poem has meant a lot to me over the years. I think how the wave that can drown us can also carry us to shore. Hope and mystery in that.
I am so sorry for your pain. And grateful to you for your insight and this blog. G-d bless you and know that your blog readers appreciate you so very much.
I've been reading your blog for quite some time and you've given so much infinite wisdom on frugality to this community that I hope you feel the love and support the community wants to give back to you. I'm walking with a hole in my heart and what's helped me is being around family and friends who know me, who are supportive and have "positive energy." No time for negatives. I wish you peace and look forward to seeing your post in 5 years.
I really do feel the support from all of you!
A few years ago I walked in your current steps. You are right on track. Keep going forward and things will get better. Hugs!
I like these posts - they give me much to think about. I think you are on the right track and if the things you are doing feel good, then they are. Also? Yes on the whole rolling thing. I like to think of my days as mostly being stuck on a roller coaster I never wanted to ride. Eventually the ride will slow and I will get off. But for now, there is this ride that I just have to buckle up for.
Thank you so much for writing this Kristen, I'm dealing with health issues and coming off a few years of mourning my own marital disappointments. Much is better now, but fear of the future is very real too, "How long can change last and will new ways stick?" Anyway, thank you for putting yourself out there as you do, I love reading your blog, it's very regulating for me and helps me not feel alone in the hard things of life.
When I was young, I boldly said I`ll never get divorced. Well, let's just say I learned to never say never. Twenty years later, I am remarried to a wonderful man and life is so good. Brighter days are ahead!
Three thoughts in response to your very well-written and heartfelt post:
1. In "Journey of Desire", John Eldredge, author/speaker/counselor states simply that "beauty heals". That would explain how your woods-walks are helping you.
2. Another good question to ask oneself when bad things happen is, "What does this make possible?"
3. Oh ow, I too was distressed and disappointed when Amy Grant got divorced (and dismayed when I saw that my Amy CDs were stored next to my Vince Gill CDs!)
Thank you so much for your clarity of thought, for being honest without bleeding and blaming. You are setting a fabulous example for us all.
We should probably send a collective apology to Amy Grant! 😉
In the midst of the road with you. Coming out of the fog and seeing what I wasn't able to see when I was surrounded by it, realizing all the pebbles I swallowed for the sake of my marriage… all those little cuts that were actually big infected gashes… yeah…. There’s a lot of unlearning, untangling and accepting… so often I thought what I was sacrificing was okay because surely he was sacrificing as well… after all, we were both in this marriage and wanting it to grow healthy and strong…. Healing- leaning into God and the beautiful people He’s put in my life, a betrayal trauma therapy group as well as individual therapy, finally putting all that support and cheerleading and compassion that I showered him with into myself and my kids… grieving the loss of what I thought was and what I thought would be…
Oh Des, I am so very sorry. I know how much you put into your marriage too.
I feel so much of what you shared here.
@Kristen, you have made space for such a loving and supportive community - you deserve all of the love and support that is flowing your way through the many caring comments, the awesome stories, the advice that is startling in its depth and impact... You are loved. Thank you for having the courage to share some of your pain with us, that we may show up for you, that we also may feel a little less alone, that we may cuddle up a bit with warmth and compassion for you and for each other. I have much gratitude.
Michael Leunig has a lovely poem
When the heart
Is cut or cracked or broken,
Do not clutch it;
Let the wound lie open.
Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt,
And let it sting.
Let a stray dog lick it,
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring.
Yes, yes...the healing comes in letting the broken heart hurt.
I too am divorced and prior to reading this blog looked at is as the end of a marriage, which for many implies happy marriage but as you stated for me it permanently broke the already broken marriage.
I was helped by a Divorce Care class at church, my tribe of friends and family that listened when I called, held me when I cried and prayed for and with me through this life altering time. It’s been four years since I seperated and almost three since the divorce after 25 years of marriage.
I’m not fully healed but am so much better in all aspects of my life. My calling is to help women who are on this path to recover financially. I haven’t officially started this but will soon. I was coached by a divorced women who had a similar break and financial situation.
I look forward to reading more odd your journey because it helps me with some of the healing I still neeed.
Thank you for sharing some encouragement!
I’ve never experienced a marriage breakup but I am very familiar with grief. Your focus to allow the wave to carry you through and pay attention to what you need/feel is so smart but also a way to be kind to yourself. As you mentioned, when we don’t acknowledge the feelings, they have a way of coming back up through one trigger or another and it’s usually not in the way we expected. Doing the hard work now is so important.
Kudos to you Kristen! Thankful to have a glimpse into your healing journey.
I find myself smiling thinking of you walking the woods and finding some relief. I find a walk in the woods to do wonders for my mood as well. No earbuds. No companions. Just me (and maybe my dog) and nature all around.
A thought I had while reading this...when I was in labor with my daughter I had this incredible nurse named Julie. Wow did she go above and beyond to help me! At some point she told me her shift ended at 7:00 pm. I remember looking at a clock at 7:30 and saying to her uhhh what are you still doing here?!?!
She had stayed late to continue to help me during the shift change. I read this post and thought that you have qualities that remind me of Julie. Maybe some day in the future you will have the flexibility in your life circumstances to treat a patient with the same level of care!
Aww, that's such a nice compliment. I hope that I will bless people as much as your nurse blessed you!
Thank you for writing this! I appreciate genuine posts that show the good and bad. The joy with grief. I've had a lot of grief to process these past couple of years as well.
I am a Christian and I am also queer/lesbian, which makes for a tricky paradox for many people. I deeply value scripture and using it as a tool to enact how the world is meant to be. While I have come to a very affirming stance on LGBTQ issues, there will always be a sense of incompleteness for me in Christian spaces and in my family.
If I marry a woman, my parents will likely not be involved in my life very much. If I do not marry a woman, I will have my parents but not the family I dream of. So while I have reconciled most of my own theology and am always learning in that sense, I have a great deal of grief of the happy life I imagined with a spouse AND cohesive extended family.
Not to mention that I got kicked out of a leadership position in Christian campus ministry in college for having different theology (despite abiding by the rules of adhering to traditional marriage values) while at the same time, other leaders were hooking up, but wouldn't own up to it. I am processing spiritual abuse and hurt as well, which is especially disorienting.
So yeah, life is hard and messy. In many ways, your grief around your dissolving marriage and its impact on your family feels akin to my grief of that same thing: a 50 year wedding anniversary, and one that my parents would support and not disown me or look down on me for.
I find that my coping strategies involve prayer, talking to friends, support groups, therapy, and getting out of my own head by going for walks, going to an art museum, or reading. I like experiencing beauty and learning, so I find it helps to focus on the present, making separate times and spaces for the hard work of processing deep hurt from loved ones and the church as a whole.
I also find gratitude lists to help a lot. Your thankful thursday posts are always a helpful reminder!
I am sorry to hear you are going through this. My marriage ended after 15 years, and 13 years spent trying EVERYTHING to resolve our issues. Unfortunately, one person can not fix a marriage alone. It has been 9 years now, and it still hits me in the gut sometimes--that feeling of grief and failure, even though I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was the right thing to do for both myself and my kids. But it happens rarely now, unlike in the first few years. I still remember the first time after my separation that I really laughed out loud and realized it had been sooo long since I actually laughed. You deserve to be happy! I admire your openness and self-care. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for sharing this. I love the verse from Romans, and also the passage from Samuel(?) in which David is being considered for anointing, instead of his taller, handsomer, and non-red headed brothers. “God sees what is in the heart,” a comforting message for me. We hide our inner lives and protect ourselves, but we can rely on being seen in our most painful moments.