On being a mom of adults

Recently, two readers wrote me with similar questions. Here's one:

Have you ever done a post about empty nest? My kids are 23, 21 and 20. My youngest is at home but is moving to the dorms in August. This is such a hard transition! I’m trying to keep busy, I work 40hrs a week. I’m trying to meet up with friends and garden etc. Also, my husband is a truck driver, so he is gone Monday through Friday! What do you do when you are missing the days of mothering small children who are all grown up now?! I know that this was the whole point, raising them up to let them go and live their own lives, it’s just harder than I imagined!

And here is the second:

I'd love to hear your current perspective on being the mother of "grown and flown" young adults. I know you have one girl at home, one nearby but out of the house, and one in a different state, and you have been so strong and so positive about it all. My youngest is contemplating a move across the country in the next year or two and I am struggling so much - I realize she needs to be independent and that it's her life to live, but I admit to feeling hurt/rejected and dreading the loss of closeness we have now. I would love to hear your perspective and advice if you ever have the time or inclination.

In 2021, I wrote a post answering a question about wistfulness over kids growing up, and I think both of you might find that post helpful. 🙂 Now, five years on, with a whole lotta life upheaval under my belt, I still would write many of the same things over again.

I think, for me, this stage has been oddly simplified by my life upheaval. Perhaps if my life had continued down the trajectory I'd always imagined, I would find myself a bit at loose ends. But as things stand, I am not anywhere near close to being lonely or bored or having extra time on my hands.

In fact, I am currently working at a rate that I know is unsustainable in the long term.

I very much look forward to a year from now, when things should let up a little!

(I'm slated to graduate with my BSN next May.)

My view of the small child days is also a little different than it is for some of you; although I loved my babies and my kids and the years I had with them, I also was navigating a difficult, unhealthy marriage through all those years.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I suppose it does make it less tempting to turn back time; for me, the suffering in my marriage is intertwined with the kids-at-home years, and that squashes the wistfulness pretty quickly.

The life upheaval also affected me in another way: things were rough for my kids through all of this too, so when they find a direction and launch out, I feel so relieved that they are finding their way and that they too are picking up the pieces. Like..."Oh, whew, another one is gonna be all right."

So...my particular circumstances have made this transition different than I thought it would be, and because of that, maybe my perspective is not even that helpful for you! Take it with a grain of salt.

In addition to the things I wrote in the wistfulness post, here are a few other thoughts to try on for size.

Moving out/moving away does not have to equal a lack of closeness

Proximity is not the same as closeness, you know? If you have a close relationship with your child now, you probably still will once they move away!

I mean, Lisey moved all the way to Hawaii, and I can tell you we have not suffered from a lack of closeness. We still text and call regularly, and I think both of us always feel quite up to date with what is going on in each other's lives even though Hawaii is oceans away from here!

Especially in this day and age, there are so many inexpensive ways to stay connected, so geographical distance is much less of a problem than it used to be.

Sonia's only about two hours away at college, but I connect with her in similar ways as with Lisey: largely texting! (also, sending cat photos back and forth. Ha.)

Your kids will still need you

Adult kids who have moved out do not need you like a toddler needs you, of course, but in my experience, they do still need their moms. We can cheer them on, validate their feelings, offer a listening ear, be available for advice when asked, and so on.

You will still be important; it just will look different.

Moving out is not about us

I think when our kids move out and spread their wings, they are usually not thinking, "Ugh, I want to get away from my mom!"*, but it's more that they're looking ahead to something new and exciting. It's not a rejection of you; it's an embrace of a new phase.

*assuming that the parent-child relationship is healthy!

My relationship with Lisey is solid, so when she chose to move to Hawaii, I knew she wasn't rejecting me; she just wanted a warm-weather adventure.

It's ok to be sad

I think there's a certain amount of sadness that is just normal and expected when a kiddo moves out on their own, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed. You love your kid, you will miss them when they're gone, and there's probably a certain amount of crying you gotta do to get through it.

You are going to adjust to the new normal

Both of you (that sent questions in) are anticipating a future kid-move-out situation, and it probably feels sort of scary right now. But I have found that the dread of a thing is often worse than the actual thing, and perhaps it will be that way for you too.

Once the move happens, you will cry, you will adapt, and you will adopt a new normal. The new normal will be different, but it doesn't necessarily need to be bad, you know?

Your relationship with your child will always be changing as life rolls on, but it can be beautiful in so many different ways.

I ended that 2021 wistfulness post by saying: things were beautiful then, things are beautiful now, and things will be beautiful in the future. I wrote that long before Lisey moved to Hawaii, and I can confirm that it has been true.

One day in the not-so-distant future, I know Zoe will move out, and my nest really will be empty. But I trust that my past experience will hold true; our hearts will still be close, even if our zip codes are not. 🙂

Readers, how would you answer these emails?

(I know we've got empty-nesters among us!)