What do you do when things are tough?
A little while ago a reader asked me what I do when I hit hard spots in my life, and I thought for sure I'd written a post on the topic.
But I searched and came up with nothing, so here I am at my keyboard.
Of course, I know that compared to a lot of people, the hard spots in my life are hardly worth mentioning. Still, we all have our own share of tough times, and I'm happy to share what helps me get through them.
I lean on my support network.
Friends and family are lovely when times are good, of course, and I think that investing time and energy into people is one of the wisest and healthiest things you can do. Relationships bring a lot of joy and fulfillment when things are going swimmingly.
But those relationships are also super important when things are hard, and I think it's so good to swallow your pride and let your people know when you're struggling.
Tell trusted people about your problems and let them know how they can help. Even just a listening ear can mean the world.
Problems feel smaller to me when they're shared.
I remind myself of what I believe.
I'm a Christian, so for me this looks like reminding myself that:
- God has not forgotten about me
- God has good plans for me
- Even when I can't see it, God is still working
- Nothing that happens to me is an accident
I pray.
God encourages me to cast my cares on him, so I try to remember to do that.
I try to take care of myself.
I admittedly struggle mightily with this sometimes because when I get really stressed out, I have an awful time eating. Then that makes me feel even worse because I'm stressed out + my body has no energy input. It's a bad combo.
But I do try to keep feeding myself. And I do things like listening to calming music on my earbuds, taking an extra long shower, and putting on comfy clothes.
Exercise can definitely help too, but I'm not super great at doing that when I'm very stressed.
I try to cut myself some slack.
When things are tough, it's hard to keep up with everything that I usually get done, so in a temporary tough time, I try to give myself grace for that.
Maybe I'll waste more food than usual, maybe I won't cook as much from scratch, maybe my house will get a little messy, maybe we'll end up getting takeout, maybe I won't compost everything.
What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while, though, so it's ok.
The tough time will probably be temporary, and when things get easier, I can go right back to my usual level of productivity.
I try to focus on one day at a time.
I don't do this perfectly, but boy, I find it to be helpful when I manage it!
For example, when I was pregnant and so sick, I felt really depressed when I thought of all the months of nausea spread out in front of me. But when I focused on just getting through one day, it was much less overwhelming.
Instead of thinking, "How will I ever manage to get through X amount of time of difficulty??", it's better to think, "What do I need to do to get through today?"
I remember that I have a 100% success rate of surviving trials so far.
And if you're reading this, so do you! No hard thing in my life has completely taken me down, so there's fair reason to believe that I'll get through whatever the current hard thing is.
Maybe I get knocked down, but so far, I've always been able to get back up again, and that's encouraging.
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I hope this encourages those of you who are having a rough time right now. Hang in there, friend, and be gentle with yourself.
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This is a tough one for me, probably because I'm predisposed to depression (since I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.)
I also have the problem of over feeding myself when I'm in the hard times, or I eat the junkiest kind of food that definitely doesn't help.
I really don't have advice but I can tell you that I wish my support network was larger. I mean, I have my wife but my parents and siblings are largely unsympathetic.
Yes, I occasionally tire of people talking about "support systems". You can be the world's nicest person to others, but that doesn't mean it will all come washing back when you need it.
Yes, Harriet! Thank you so much for this reminder. I try to be the kind of supportive friend/sister I would like others to be. And, yet sadly that is not often the case. People have busy, full lives and cannot always be there when you need them. I have come to understand this fact of life.
I am 74 and have been through every trauma imaginable during my lifetime......divorce, death of my adult daughter, loss of everything due to a natural disaster and an adult granddaughter with a mental illness.
I find comfort in the natural world with long walks. Swimming also takes my cares away. I find if I give back in the smallest of ways, I always feel better. And getting restful sleep every night makes such a difference.
Living is not for the faint of heart. But, life goes on and we go on with it.
I find most people need to be told how to help someone in need or have it demonstrated for them, sometimes repeatedly. The first time my husband deployed, I learned to ASK for people to take my garage in and out or to help me with the lawn, etc. People, even close neighbors and friends, miss the obvious. It did me no good to get frustrated that the neighbor across the street would see me out mowing the lawn with the baby in the front pack and a toddler in tow and NOT offer to help, but when I humbled myself and asked if he wouldn’t mind finishing up for me, I always got the help I needed. I find a lot of my “tough times” are times when I am feeling like a martyr.
It's very true. Often people ARE willing to help if you ask specifically. It's hard to do, but it's a lifesaver!
Thank you for writing the last sentence, my husband is very supportive but my parents are dead and my siblings are very unsympathetic. Sometimes I feel bad because I feel I always lean on my husband. If you would nice for him if I could spread it around.
My wife occasionally tells me I need to make more friends but that's easier said than done. It doesn't help that men aren't generally known for wanting to talk about feelings and stuff.
Hello Frugal Girl:
Life of prayer seems a useful goal for long-term grief especially if one's family seems disinclined to share one's grief in long-term.
For me: I mentally sing opening stanza from various Christian hymns. Presently, when grief seems to invade my mind a couple of favourites are: Christ the Lord is Risen Today...Alleluia & Mary Did You Know Your Baby Boy Would Someday Walk on Water?
The Life of Prayer has me thinking of a weekend retreat at (for me) an Anglican (Episcopalian) near my home of Vancouver BC. if memories of loss become overwhelming.
Best Regards
Richard
We have a very small support system to help us. I have found that agencies have social workers to assist in networking to find more support and also help. Remember to breathe. I am navigating ltd and ssdi for my husband with no income at this moment. I also have a disability but will be forced to work next week. Kids are still at home!
My middle daughter almost died during a necessary brain surgery when she was 9 months old. I was sitting in the waiting area that day with my family and noticing that all the other families were slowly leaving as their loved ones went to recovery, yet we were still there. Finally, we were the only ones left in what was a large, crowded waiting area. I felt a sick feeling in my stomach and went to the bathroom. In my heart, I knew that the surgery should have ended a long time ago. Right there, I prayed and told God that it was necessary that I give my anxiety over to him because it was overwhelming. I even felt selfish for not being able to cope well! When you go through something like this, your thoughts and emotions are out of control and sickeningly consuming. I walked out of the bathroom feeling a bit calmer and sat down with my still anxious family. Finally, the staff came out and told me my daughter was being taken to recovery. When we finally saw the doctor, I could tell he had been struggling. This normally poised young handsome surgeon looked tired, sweaty, and exhausted. Later on, he told me that she was "meant to be here" because she almost died in surgery. He explained that he had children of his own and felt it important for us to know that she was not meant to leave this earth yet. This doctor was not a sweet, kind doctor. He was actually somewhat arrogant, so to hear these words was humbling. He decided not to tell us until later how truly bad things had gotten..a good call on his part, I think. I know that I had divine intervention on one of hardest days of my life because of my prayer. I feel that the things we go through, shows us what we need and sometimes those lessons are hard. Somehow, I think that the doctor got a lesson of his own but I will never truly know.
For me exercise helps, a lot. I find when I'm really running or cycling hard I forget about the hard things and the hard times, and I appreciate my health and know that it can help carry me through.
Me too! Sometimes I don't feel like I have enough energy to walk / run / lift weights, but I never regret finishing a workout. I almost always feel so much better mentally. And the next day I feel better physically.
When things get tough, I know I will freak out and get scared on a daily basis. There's no telling what the future holds. The best thing we can do is to prepare for it, at least financially. That's why frugality is important.
When things are good, spending money is no problem. When things are tough, we might regret every cent we once spent on something we didn't even need. Living for the present is good, but it shouldn't be the only thing we do in life. There's also the future we need to worry about.
This is an excellent question. I do a lot of things you do and mentioned. For me, it's important to have a lot of cooling off first of all. Because rash decisions on my expectation is a sure fire way of me doing something I shall regret.
I also think about the bigger picture, that it's not personal and it's their perspective which they full rights too.
No one has a trouble-free life, and that a guarantee. I do many of the same things you do, Kristen, and I also have trouble with not eating when I'm really distressed, which, as you say, doesn't help!
One thing I started doing when going through a really, really difficult time was giving thanks and praise in my prayers, even though I did NOT feel like it. Slowly, it helped me see that I've been given many gifts and I always have things for which to be grateful. I try to do this every time now when I'm in a bad spot or bad mood. It's not magic and I'm not Pollyanna -- I will still feel bad -- but it reminds me that I've always got something for which I can be grateful, and that everything isn't going badly, just some things are going badly. I agree that looking at it as "one day at a time," is super helpful for me, too.
Sometimes, members of my support network are the ones causing the problem (ahem) but when they aren't the problem, I can talk to them, and I have a fantastic small group from church that is always there for me, too.
Sometimes I have to divide my days into minutes to get over the hump. I find if I do one positive thing no matter how small it helps. I am a Christian and my faith is my rock to which I hold on to. Feeling peace in a difficult situation is different for everyone. Each day I choose to be happy but some days are harder than others.
I do similar things, and also make sure I get enough sleep. If I'm not sleeping well, I make sure I exercise during the day so I'm tired at night, then turn in early. Then at least I have a chance to get a full night's sleep.
A great way to calm down at the end of the day is a hot bath with Epsom salts. So soothing.
1. I ask for help, from my friends and family, and of course, from God. It's okay to be vulnerable and needy. I ask my husband to do my laundry; I ask God for "strength for the journey."
2. I tell people "no." If what they are doing and/or saying isn't helping me, I tell them to quit it. Full stop.
3. I don't listen to people who tell me that "everything happens for a reason." If that works for you, that's great. But I see things much differently. The physical universe has its reasons, even if we don't understand them, but God isn't hurting me or you or anyone else. God didn't want my friend's baby to die in utero, just days before her delivery date. God didn't plan for my mother to get breast cancer and survive but for my aunt, her younger sister, to die of the very same disease. God didn't cause my cousin to die of an infected shunt at age 14. God is mourning those losses, just as we are. Maybe God has a plan for our lives, but a loving God doesn't put mental or physical torture on the menu.
One of the only ways I can decompress, relieve stress or find happiness when I'm blue as can be is being outside without any screens (phone, iPad, etc.) for hours. There's something magical about hearing birds chirp or the breeze blow through the leaves that helps me keep perspective. My tendency is to hide myself in my bed surrounded by pillows and immerse myself in the virtual world of television, but it's no actually helpful with alleviating the difficulty or even my feelings of depression (prone to it) or stress or frustration. Also, because I'm an introvert having to talk to people is extremely difficult when I'm having a tough time (or when there's any kind of stress) which creates more chaos because I usually don't ask for help. Thankfully my husband knows this about me and asks for help on my behalf, even when he's not around.
So basically prayer, and lots of quiet outside time without anybody needing me. But it's okay if my kids quietly snuggle me. There's also something magical about toddler hugs. There really is.
All We Have Is Now. Staying in the present, being aware of the what is happening now, has helped me so much to focus and move forward. It is that future, what if, thinking that drags me down. No one knows the future, it has not happened yet.
It has been a tough year for me so far - difficulties at work, a cancer diagnosis in the family, and the loss of my 2 pets within a couple of months of each other. Although I strive to be a resilient person, I am just not. But knowing things are usually temporary helps. The job situation will improve (or I will find another one), the grief will become manageable, the cancer was (thankfully!) caught early and is treatable. The only thing I would add is, for me, it is helpful to have hobbies. Although it is sometimes hard to get motivated to do them, when I do, it helps shift my focus and distracts me from the tough stuff for a while. It is like a pill that takes the edge off all the Big Feelings.
Excellent, excellent, excellent!
Yesterday was a struggle. I have five good meals ready in the fridge so no worry there. I let myself sleep extra, rest more and read. Went to 3 thrift stores and bought a sweater, skirt, pants for fall. Some pretty pillow cases and a really pretty table cloth to cheer things up. Got a bag of oranges and bag of grapefruit to eat and to show off on my new kitchen tablecloth! Watching ladies and their kids strggling to pick out their back to school outfits gave me the dose of reality i needed.
Five Good Meals...ready in the fridge...an excellent idea! Guessing the 'extra sleep' will eventually run its coarse and more regular sleep happens.
Connecting with others going through similar experiences. Support groups are wonderful! Especially if you are struggling with needing to change something in your life.
I think Kristen had some helpful ideas. I also find that just getting out and about, even if you only talk to acquaintances, or even strangers, can sometimes help. Regular engagement, even on a casual level has been found to be beneficial. Also, doing things for others can be a boost, whether as a sanctioned volunteer or just helping those you know in need. It can take the focus off you and make you feel useful/helpful.
Ha! We have the same BlueSky planner. 🙂
I love this. 2018 has been a rough yet exciting year for us, but it's been an emotional rollercoaster. I've been so spread thin and stressed out. Whenever I get overwhelmed, I do one thing at a time. As in, quite literally ONE thing at a time. Life doesn't exist outside of folding laundry, checking email, or grabbing the mail. If I focus on only one thing at a time, I avoid the analysis-by-paralysis that comes with feeling overwhelmed.
I also find that doing "just one thing" helps a lot, too. I have depression, so some days it's tough feeling motivated to cook, clean, be a person, etc. I pat myself on the back for just doing one thing, whether it's brushing my teeth or putting on a clean shirt. Steadily you get stronger and you're able to take on multiple "one things" until you're back to 100%. 🙂
I talk to myself a lot when I'm stressed out. It seems to corral my whirling thoughts or something. Talking to someone else would probably better, but I'm not very good at that.
Also, handfuls of chocolate chips. Not that I recommend this; it's just what I do.
There's been a lot of both of these the past couple of months. I think I need to work on my coping mechanisms. 🙂
Oh, when I can--that is, when I don't have an infant--I sleep a lot too. Nothing looks hopeful when you're exhausted.
When things are tough I take a pause, meaning I will stop what I am doing or thinking and take a few deep breaths and on the out breath say the word serenity to myself. It calms and soothes me. Then I try to look for positive things or a way to laugh if at all possible. My mother told me when her brother died in an accident many years ago they watched an episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show called "Chuckles Bites The Dust" a few months later. Although it was a painful time for her, and the episode is about death, the show made her and her siblings laugh so hard it eased the pain a bit.
I loved that episode of Mary Tyler Moore. "A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants."
I was diagnosed with a rare cancer in 2016 that most people don't live to see five years (only 19%). I had a 10 year old and didn't know what to do. I had chemo, radiation, and particularly hard surgery. I did the same as you did during your pregnancy. I just looked at getting through each day. I decided I wasn't a statistic.
Much of what you've mentioned is how I cope with tough times.
Getting through each day is important and not thinking about what the overwhelming future could be.
Clinging to Jesus is definitely on top. Reading his word, praying, being quiet and listening to or playing worship music. We are stuck in the finite broken picture of this life, so it's important for me to remember that God is eternal and good. He's our comforter and strength and knows what's going on even when it feels like he's made a wrong decision.
Another thing I do that you didn't mention is I get outside. Walking, jogging, hiking or simply sprawled out on my lawn. There's something calming about physically touching trees, walking barefoot in the grass and breathing fresh air.
My self-reminder is "I am not an orphan." God is my father and my champion. I don't have to do things "perfectly," get defensive and angry, throw a self-pity party, or look out for number one (some of my besetting sins). This, too, shall pass...even if "this" turns out to be my reaction to a permanent change of situation.
I do a lot of the things you mentioned. I'm in the middle of a tough time, and lately, focusing on self care has been really important to me. I try to do one thing a day, even if it's just making my bed, taking a cool shower (with a baby this IS self care!) or playing games on my phone during nap time. It helps, mostly. Some days are better than others. Today isn't a good day. Yesterday was great. I try to take it a day at a time, like you suggested.
Another thing I struggle with is feeling like it's unfair that I'm struggling with one thing when others aren't. We struggled to get pregnant and ultimately did ivf. When I finally did get pregnant, I hated it. It went beyond how I felt, but my anxiety was through the roof the whole time. My best friend got pregnant in 3 months and is loving every minute of it. It's not fair. But my therapist reminded me that I was strong throughout my pregnancy, and just because my friend doesn't have to be strong in her pregnancy just means her strength will come somewhere else. Looking at it from that perspective helped me with my feelings that life isn't fair, and wondering why I had to struggle for something that's easy for someone else.
I love your coping mechanisms, and also all of the comments. For me, when I'm struggling it's usually because there's something happening that I can't control. And when I really get down to brass tacks, the biggest thing of all that's out of my control is my own feelings. I know this might sound counterintuitive, but it helps me to stop trying to control the uncontrollable. If I feel scared, I just sit there and say to myself "I'm so scared, I'm so scared." ...and eventually the feeling will dissipate. I also try to remind myself how the whole concept of control is really an illusion. I mean, think how horrible it would be if you really *could* control everything. That would mean that you were the one who had to decide how and when everybody had to die... how terrible would that be? I think ultimately we all just have to surrender, and admit that on some very real level, we're just along for the ride.
It's true...and also, feelings are just feelings. They are real, but they aren't necessarily true. They just FEEL true a lot!
So true! And then there are the feelings that are genuine, just horribly misplaced. That one trips me up with alarming frequency!
A sweet young mom named Wynter Pitts died a little over a week ago. I listened to a video of her family talking about their sadness and grief. Her male cousin confessed to his dad (a pastor) that he doesn't "go to hope" as quickly or easily as others do. He was really struggling with the death of his cousin, a wife and mother of 4 young daughters. His dad basically gave him "the blessing" and told him that that was ok. I have found that sometimes I can go to hope and sometimes it just seems to take a LONG time. When I feel guilty about that, it's because I've seen others around me who seem to achieve hope so much more quickly than me in dire circumstances. I cried during that video, because his very wise Godly dad gave his son the blessing that I believe Jesus died for and wants me to understand. He knows us. He created us in our mother's womb. Some folks just "go to hope". For others, it just takes longer. But, I know that Jesus is my Hope. He's never left me nor forsaken me. He is worthy of my trust even when I am slow to go to hope. I hope someone who reads this gets what I'm trying to say. I mean it to be encouraging, because that dialogue encouraged me tremendously.
Thank you. I get it and I needed to read it today.
I'm so glad.
GREAT post & GREAT comments from everyone!
"I remember that I have a 100% success rate of surviving trials so far."
Love this one!
When I'm a little down, usually Getting Stuff Done is the solution, particularly things in my physical environment. Getting the damn mess put away makes my physical surroundings more congenial, tackling the mess gives me a feeling of accomplishment, and sometimes something physical to do. When I'm a lot down, it's harder. I find it hard to share the really bad stuff, which is isolating. I also sometimes feel powerless, which I loathe.
Ultimately, I'm a problem solver. My solution to things getting tough is to identify the problem, find possible solutions, determine the barriers to putting the solutions in place, then executing on the plan.
The hard part? Giving myself grace while I do so.
Keep swimming.
I try to make time to hang out with my horse - in really stressful periods, I may not have the time or energy to ride, but just going out and spending a few minutes with my arm over her back while she grazes around my feet is a pretty foolproof way to find at least a few minutes of peace.
I love your horse therapy comment, Jules. I just read all the comments and you are the first one to mention the amazing impact that animals can play in achieving and maintaining good mental health. Spirituality, exercise, nature, sleep, good nutrition, asking for help, tackling projects - all great self care strategies but an animal's unconditional love, constant support and forever devotion is something that I have frankly found to be shockingly incredible. We adopted a shelter dog simply for my daughter and she has turned out to be an extremely effective antidepressant for me personally and my family in general for the last 9 years. I remain incredulous that something that I didn't particularly want turned out to have such a life changing positive impact. Lesson: Always be open to new learning experiences.
Thank you! Very much needed this today. The past year has been one of illness and loss of friends & family members. Only my faith in God gets me thru. I am not in control, but He is.
Wow! Look at all the comments to this post. This one struck a nerve. Support networks make all the difference. When I was going through breast cancer treatments: the major surgery, chemotherapy and radiation, friends from my church were really there for me. I didn't need gifts or meals but what I really wanted was e-mails and cards and notes. Also, friends from my work and family were all there to support me. They helped me stay positive (mostly) and get through it.
I have been fortunate to have had a pretty blessed life, but I wanted to add that it is important to ask for help. Many people really, really do want to help out when you are going through a tough time and it would add value to their life to help you, but they don't know what to do and don't want to be a bother. It's not easy when life is hard but picking up the phone and asking for specific things to help is important! If you ask for specific things people will really surprise you with the help, but if you don't ask they are unlikely to know what to do.
Thank you for this post. I am thankful for you and for your willingness to openly be Christian in a time where it is unpopular to be one. I, too, am a Christian and I know I need to work harder to let my light shine in all that I do. I really enjoy your posts. (I also will need to try to remember to click through the Feedly to your site more frequently so that I can get you the revenue.)