"The universe is ultimately fair." (Actually, it's not.)
This post has been sitting in my drafts for a while, but we're going kinda off-topic today with a spinoff from my original post about the LuLaRich documentary. You've been warned. 😉
After I wrote my post about LuLaRich, I realized that I had left out one of the things I found most disturbing!
I went back and added a little snippet to the original post, but I'm also going to talk about it here because I think I have a whole post's worth of thoughts.
To catch you up: LuLaRich is an Amazon documentary about LuLaRoe, an MLM company that sold clothing and took serious advantage of women who wanted to make money by selling the clothing.
Deanne and Mark Stidham are the owners, and oddly, they agreed to be interviewed for this documentary. They said a lot of wild things, but a quote from Mark is one that really stands out to me and irks me to this day.
Higher-ups in MLMs often get frustrated with people further down the line who can't seem to make the "business" a success, and the higher-ups routinely blame the downline people for just not working hard enough.
In the context of this, Mark Stidham said, "We believe in self-reliance, and that the universe is ultimately fair."
When I watched LuLaRich, I was in the midst of reading War Doctor, a memoir written by a doctor who has spent decades volunteering his surgery services in war-torn parts of the world, such as Aleppo, so my jaw kind of dropped when Mark said that.
What? How would a person who is not disadvantaged in any way be a trusted source for information on how fair the world is? Mark Stidham has just about every advantage in life that you could ask for. Of course he thinks the universe is fair!
The universe is ultimately fair? Tell that to civilians in Aleppo who have been gunned down by snipers.
And honestly, you don't even have to go to such extremes (probably even Mark would agree that the universe has not been very fair to civilians in the midst of war). There are plenty of people in the U.S. that have disadvantages that others do not have.
What about people who have disabilities? Disabilities make life more challenging, and they are not distributed fairly.
What about children who grow up in poverty? Or children who get a poor education? What about people who have been abused? What about babies who are born addicted to drugs?
And conversely, there are lots of people in the U.S. who have advantages. If you grow up in a family with money and connections, you have a serious advantage. If you grow up with access to a good education, you have an advantage.
And to bring this back to LuLaRoe, the universe is most certainly not "ultimately fair" for reps who join now. As with all MLMs, the people who got in when LuLaRoe first started had an enormously unfair advantage over those who joined later.
Hard work does matter
I get that there's a kernel of truth in what people are trying to say when they preach a, "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!" message, because without hard work, most advantages are somewhat useless.
For example, if you get sent to an amazing school but don't put in the work, you will not be well-educated.
And by the same token, if you go to a not-so-great school but you put in lots of work, you could end up pretty well-educated.
Still, the point is: advantages such as amazing schools are not available to everyone equally, because the universe is...not fair.
It takes humility to admit you have advantages
There is a part of all of us that would like to feel self-congratulatory about our successes. We want to think we are self-made; that we deserve all the credit for everything we've accomplished.
So, it's not a wonder that it's tough to admit that we've had help, privileges, or advantages. Humility is a hard pill to swallow!
But the truth is that most of us here, reading this on the internet, have had advantages and privileges in one way or another; it's common.
The uncommon thing is to have the humility to acknowledge those advantages.
I think advantages should be gratefully used
There's nothing sad or embarrassing about having advantages (gratefulness is the more appropriate response), but it IS sad if the advantages are squandered.
When I think about some of my own advantages and gifts (a solid extended family, a knack for saving money, the ability to write, a brain that can learn about medical stuff, a healthy body, a good education, a heart that wants to serve others, the money to go to school and get a degree), I think about how it would be such a waste if I didn't use those gifts to do something good in the world!
That's why I blog and do volunteer work, and it's why I'm going to get my RN.
Denying your advantages makes you look...worse
It's one of those counterintuitive things in life; we think we make ourselves look better by presenting a self-made, self-reliant image.
But if you are like me, you actually think more highly of someone who can humbly admit to the gifts and advantages they've had in life.
And the converse is true. When someone cannot see the help they've gotten, I tend to lose some respect for them.
Seeing your advantages gives you grace for others
In the context of the LuLaRoe documentary, Mark Stidham was having a super ungracious attitude toward the reps who were having a hard time making money with LuLaRoe.
It was basically a, "Well, if you worked harder, then you'd be doing great, like me." type of attitude.
Leaving aside the problematic nature of MLM companies, this is a pretty self-righteous outlook.
If you think you are entirely self-made, though, it is actually logical to look down on other people who are less successful; you think your current state is your own doing, and you think other people should be able to do what you've done.
But if you can see how you've been given gifts and help and advantages, then you can have grace for others who might not have had the same help.
To bring this around to frugality...
Sometimes, the Mark Stidham outlook crops up in frugal circles in the form of a frugal-er-than-thou type of attitude. Those of us who are good at managing our money and keeping our expenses down and resisting the siren call of consumerism can look down on people who have more trouble in these areas.
"Why can they not just do X,Y, and Z?" we think.
But I can think of all sorts of advantages I've had in life that have made it easier for me to be a money-saver.
To name a few:
I grew up in a family that modeled and valued hard work and entrepreneurship.
I grew up in a family where it was normal to fix things, do manual labor, cook from scratch, use the library, and a million other similar things.
I grew up in a family that did not carry debt.
My parents provided for my needs, but expected me to pay for things like a car, car insurance, and non-necessities in life (like extra clothes, hobby supplies, and so on.) This taught me some responsibility and independence.
I think I was born with a money-saving bent, so frugality is not a super-uphill battle for me.
Of course, I've also had to put in consistent effort at saving money. And my life has not been free of every economic disadvantage.
But that doesn't change the fact that I've been given lots of advantages that are not my own doing, and it's good and healthy for me to remember that not everyone has had those same advantages.
So, that's part of why I blog here: to share what I know and have experienced with other people. It's a way of spreading around the blessings I've received.
_______________
In sum, I think that advantages:
- are not equally distributed
- are something to be thankful for
- are healthy to see and acknowledge
- should be used to do good things in the world
What do you think about this whole idea?
I'd love to hear about some advantages you've experienced that have made frugality (or something else!) easier for you.
Amen amen and amen!!!! I agree with every single word you have written here. That documentary made me sick to my stomach, the arrogance and greed were astounding. Thank you for this post. I personally can't stand the word "fair". All one has to do is watch the evening news to know life is not fair. Well I didn't mean to ramble!! I am thankful for you, your post, and the light you put out into the world. Happy Wednesday!!
I think I've had many of the same advantages you've had. When my own children ask why some person behaves in (what they consider) an irresponsible way, I remind them that other people have not been brought up in the same way they have. I try to remind them that some people have not ever experienced being loved! I give them extremes, but I also remind them how few people have the advantages of family and stability which they've had. No, they don't have their own phones, fancy clothes, a car handed to them, etc., but they have the advantage of knowing limits, love, and expectations (of them contributing to the well-being of our family). They've also always been fed and safe. They don't realize how many, many children even in our own area who do not have that.
@Jody S., Great explanation. Lately, I often get annoyed with people who behave disrespectfully towards other people and the environment (for example, my neighbors who throw their cigarette butts on the sidewalk...). I know their behavior it's wrong, but I don't want to become bitter... Loving your neighbors can be challenging at times ;-).
@Jody S., I just re-read my comment, and I want to make it clear that I meant my kids don't have the phones, clothes, etc., but they do have the less tangible things. (We often see other children with the opposite situation.)
I think growing up with enough (money, food, housing, love, education) provides so much advantage over those that have not. When you have been down a long time, and you're surrounded by others in the same situation, I think it is natural to feel that you won't get ahead and that is part of the reason why poverty festers.
I know I had advantage in growing up in a stable family and while there was not extra money we always had a home, good food, transportation, love, education, clothing, free/cheap activities, good friends, neighbors, and relatives. My parents were able to provide a loving environment and to pay for us to attend an in-state university (we paid for our own everyday expenses). It was a very stable environment that launched five of us into the world and we have all been blessed to have done well building similar lives.
Thank you for addressing this issue. The longer I live the more I'm aware of this and how vexing it is.
I think you said it beautifully!!!
This may seem an unusual advantage, but my dad taught chemistry and would teach us how to decipher ingredient labels on cosmetics so we would not fall for misleading advertising that claimed you should pay more for a certain ingredient that wasn't really true.
My mom taught us that designer labels don't matter, the quality of the garment can be good or bad regardless. She taught us to look at how well the item was made before buying so as not to waste our money on something that would fall apart quickly.
These were in addition to teaching us how to cook, make basic sewing repairs, how to do basic household repairs, etc.
It's odd though that neither of them taught us specifically how to budget, even though they were very careful with their money. We each had to learn that elsewhere.
@AnnieH, Those are both great advantages. Sad to say, respect for science has divebombed, so it seems.
@AnnieH, my Dad was a chemist and back in the 60s he pleaded with me and my 2 sisters NOT to wear makeup. He said it was bad chemicals being absorbed into our skin.
@karen, meant into our bodies through our skin
WOW! So much of this is conversation around my dinner table right now. "Frugal-er than thou." I love it. This is exactly what I am seeing on some of my favorite blogs, YouTube and in real life. Some people just don't see their advantages or won't admit them.
My advantages:
1. My family life involved divorce and debt. Not that my mom wanted to be in debt but that at some point in order to pay for tires or car repairs she used credit. She then found herself in a never ending cycle of debt and debt pay off. But this helped me realize that when you debt, you need to have an idea of how you will pay it off. Not after. I know I do not have the behavior to pay this kind of debt off.
2. I am able to live near family who have helped me with child care, food production, gardening, free eggs and cheap labor.
3. My parents were hardworking and passed that on to me. However they also had hobbies that produced a small amount of money and a large amount of contentment.
4. Which brings me to the fact that my parents taught me how to do things. They taught me to garden, can, cook, bake, budget and how to play cards (lol.) They taught me to be happy right where I was and not to always look forward.
5. I am a lover of learning. I am constantly looking for something to learn.
6. I live in an area with a lot of recourses. It is safe, good schools, stores, good weather, libraries, family and friends.
7. I come from a family of people who like to do stuff. I like doing the things I do. I do not see them as a chore but have friends who think that they must be.
8. We are resilient. Always looking for things to redo or reuse.
I have a good life and I am grateful. I am also smart enough to know not everyone is lucky enough to have these advantages. However I am not going to participate in some of the "poor shaming" behavior I have seen. I also know that not everyone has these advantages and without them can not "pull up there bootstraps."
I also have a number of friends who signed on with Lularoe and got stuck with a load of bad product. Just a few ladies trying to make ends meet. The whole thing makes me sad.
@Amy, Yeah, the sexism of MLM-shaming and the whole "Karen" thing has me sad and angry. I actually want to write an op-ed called "Don't Call Me Karen" but I can only imagine how horribly I'd be raked over the coals. Because it's middle class often middle aged moms either asserting themselves or trying to make ends meet, it's a big societal joke. We're the last group people can make fun of with impunity. (Obviously, MLMs are terrible and racism is terrible. That's not the point.)
Also, Karen is my mom's name. So there. heh.
@Rose, Karen is my mom's name, too! And we named our daughter after her, so what can you do...
Your last paragraph: yes. The MLM companies themselves are the ones in the "bad guy" category in my mind. The people who are working the MLMs are being taken advantage of, hoodwinked, lied to...take your pick.
@Kristen, yes and most are very disrespectful of the rest of us who work normal jobs and actually contribute to society. My niece is being brainwashed by one and constantly riffs on teachers and nurses. She’d rather scam and lie about how the MLM has changed her life. I see her losing every childhood friend and having fake fellow MLM friends instead who fall away when they quit the pyramid.
". . . There’s nothing sad or embarrassing about having advantages (gratefulness is the more appropriate response), but it IS sad if the advantages are squandered.. . " Wonderful words -- especially for a seasoned citizen to read and remember God invites we who have not made the best use of our resources to return to HIM who replenishes our decimated "barns." Joel 2:25
oxoxxoxoxo
bwsmith
@Barbara Smith,
Yes!!
Great thoughts on a difficult topic. For the record, I think I like your way of describing "advantages" over the weaponized "privilige." It's just too easy for people to bristle at that particular word and stop listening / learning from the conversation. (Even for Christians it's difficult to talk about because the word "blessed" gets thrown around and then it becomes: Well, if she is "blessed" because she has X, then what am I because I don't?)
Gratitude with contentment is great gain. And humility makes gratitude, contentment, and compassion for others possible.
@Karen @ Living Unabridged, you bring up an interesting point about the word "privilege" having a lot of baggage. Funny that word choice makes such a difference.
I wanted to comment that I really appreciate what Kristen is saying here, and that at the heart, people who talk about the subject in terms of race/gender are saying a similar thing from their own personal experiences of discrimination within our particular society. I don't really understand what about this aspect of the race/gender conversation is so controversial. I've never discussed these subjects online before, but thought maybe since Kristen's readers are so thoughtful, there might actually be a helpful/nuanced exchange.
@Karen @ Living Unabridged, I hate it when people use the word blessed! Does that mean I'm cursed if I wasn't "blessed" with the same things?
@Valerie, as a tiny nugget into that conversation, I'll relay insight from two of my white friends who have the biggest pushback to the term "white privilege."
One of the ladies grew up in a poor white family in south Florida. She was the only white person in her grade, so by far the minority in her August context. She and her family faced a large amount of discrimination from the the surrounding black and Hispanic community. She and her half-Filipino-looks-white husband worked their way out of poverty into a middle-class frugal life. In her husband's job as a high school principal, he's dealt with black families that unfortunately did use their skin color as a weapon. "My child isn't succeeding because you're giving him bad grades because he's black!" (When actually, the student just wasn't applying himself.) If you talk to her about majority/minority discrimination and challenges, she'll agree with you entirely. She'll completely agree that POC face challenges that we with white skin don't regularly face in a mostly-white city. But she sees "white privilege" as a blanket term that is not always true, ignores nuance, and is being used as a excuse by some people to not succeed.
Another lady grew up in a white, poor, dysfunctional family in the inner-city. She grew up thinking that police were dangerous and to be avoided at all cost. She saw her cousins in gangs and in drugs and pregnant on the streets. She deliberately made decisions that took her a different path. She married a minority male and they carefully made decisions that, by God's grace and their HARD work, led them to a middle class lifestyle. So she sees her family as no different than the inner-city blacks and thinks that wise choices and hard work are what you need to escape that life.
Summer of 2020, we had seven interns at our ministry. Three were POC. With all the race riots going on that summer, the students wanted to dig into that topic. All the students were Christians, but they ranged from one end of the spectrum to the other on their views of "white privilege." The student who stood most strongly against the use of that phrase was someone who had POC as neighbors and played with them and saw them as regular people like himself. But then found himself in a school where his black classmates use their color as an excuse for everything. " You don't want to play with me because I'm black. You gave me poor grades because I'm black." An grade school memory is of him bumping into a classmate in a crowded hallway and the classmate going to the teacher saying "He shoved me because I'm black." and getting sent to the principal's office. He also sees the idea of white privilege as something that has been used as a weapon against him.
I pray that the many conversations we had with the interns that summer, the stories that the POC shared, the exchanging of perspectives, and the conversations with my friends will continue to sink into hearts and help each person be willing to ask questions, listen and believe well, and dig deeper into this important conversation.
@Dorinda, thanks so much for your gentle reply. Your examples are thought-provoking and important data points to include in the conversation. I think that in this (as in most things), there is a whole lot more grey area than is generally acknowledged in the national conversation.
I'll come back to your examples, but if I think about the POC leaders who speak against 'woke' ideas/vocab...I think 99.9% of them would say that they have experienced harmful discrimination...they just don't think that it is personally helpful to keep their focus there. They swallow the hurt to keep moving forward in society and relationships.
I'm a half-Asian (American) woman who is perceived in public as non-white. I also work in a high-status male-dominated profession. In partial defense of the people in your examples who often cite racism as an excuse, it is REALLY hard to know for certain when someone is treating you a certain way because of their biases. When you go out into the world every day and 10-20% of your interactions seem to reference your race/gender in a derogatory way, it is hard not to let it affect the other 80-90% of interactions.
I've spent a lot of my life ascribing to a "pulling up your own bootstraps" way of thinking and have definitely stressed the importance of hard work/integrity/commitment to my kids. But the older I get, the more I want a softer world where worth isn't measured by productivity...and one where we listen to each other more.
(so thanks for listening!)
@Valerie, oh, how I loved your thoughtful and personal reply! Thank you so much for sharing so well. I just want to go through and "thumbs up/heart" each of your paragraphs -- both your personal experience and in-depth sharing and your sharing and acknowledgement of other perspectives.
I have never dealt with being the minority in regards to skin color. But I do work in a male-dominated workplace (computer science/IT) and have a small myriad of stories of times when people considered me incapable of carrying a computer or hooking a computer up to a network or troubleshooting a computer issue because I was female. Our summer interns (95% of them male) are usually shocked by my stories, having never experienced those things themselves. I remember sharing those stories with a male friend one day who just wrote them all off as "people were just trying to be thoughtful/chivalrous" and assured me that people would never treat me differently in the CS world because I was female. I was furious inside thinking, "You've never experienced it! That's why you don't believe me!" And then thinking soberly to myself, "This is what POC experience all the time....."
And YES to your last paragraph! Working to live out my desire for a world where we value people because THEY ARE PEOPLE (and in my words, because they are created by a God who loves diversity and ethnicities and created these to show a part of how diverse and creative He is!) -- not simply valuing people because they're a certain level of productivity or a certain level of "proper" or "accepted" in society.
Thanks for setting an example of listening.. and may our example encourage those around us.
Yep, Lisey experiences sexism on a daily basis at school and at work. Men might not think she does, but if they hold that view, it's because they have not listened to women enough.
And this is why those of us who are white need to listen to people of color. We do not see racism as clearly as they do, just like men do not see the sexism Lisey experiences.
@Valerie, When my husband and I moved to one of the very small Alaskan villages, we were in the minority. It was the first time I had been in a minority position, as the village was overwhelmingly Alaska Natives. It was the first time I was exposed to racism from another group and after some months of being called derogatory names or hearing those names used about other whites, and hearing parents telling their children to stop asking so many questions like some white man, I grew pretty sensitive to reactions. I was amazed how quickly I found it easy to think I was being treated a certain way due to my race. I found myself evaluating situations by asking myself, "Did that happen because I am white? Or a woman? Or was I a jerk today and that is why people reacted the way they did? Some days it was racism and somedays it was because I was a butthead, but it was tiring to think about it all the time and easy to fall into assuming it was all racism.
@Lindsey, Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate hearing your perspective and how it took energy to try to get an accurate view of things and the exhaustion of trying to walk through those challenges on a daily basis. I always appreciate hearing others' stories.
@Kristen - I'm not surprised that Lisey gets that all time! I got it from local farm guys when I was the main help for my dad on the farm. Between fixing tractors, running wheat trucks, rattling off stats and farm details, and doing manual labor, I left a few guys' jaws dropped. I was actually worried that I might marry a guy who didn't know how to fix things like I did, but... then I married Mr. A who can fix anything from the capacitor in the space heater to the engine in our van. So much for that worry! (I was thankful that I was at a small college for my major and was able to quickly establish myself as a top student in the CS department, so I never dealt with that problem from the other guys in my major there.)
@Dorinda, Aw, jeez, the stories I could tell from working in software starting in the 80s. I was literally in labor with my first child while my obstretrician was asking MY HUSBAND about tech stuff. My husband said, "She's the one who works for Microsoft, not me."
@Rose, oh my goodness! *facepalm* I'm sure you have stories!
@Lindsey, thanks for sharing your experiences! You must have so many interesting stories from living there. Sometimes I wish everyone had to live in a place where they are a minority for a time just to get a taste of what it is like. When you are juggling those kinds of questions internally, it leaves less attention for other things.
There are so many encouraging comments here about listening to others. I would add that friendships with people who are different from me have taught me so much -- especially when I have been able to withhold judgement/tolerate discomfort and just be with my friends through the hard things they face. It's also opened up flavors of joy in my life that are unique to their background/culture.
To bring it back to Kristen's post, I think the takeaway of paying it forward is beautiful & needed -- keeping in mind that some advantages are more obvious than others...and that every person has something valuable to teach us. (preaching to myself here.)
@Dorinda, CS would definitely be a challenge! I will say that my (white) husband is an engineer, and once he sees a problem in cold, hard data, he works hard to be a part of the solution. He's become a champion of women and minorities in STEM leadership positions at his university and is happy to be the annoying voice in meetings bringing up diversity questions. I so appreciate left-brained-type people for this quality.
Women are uniquely positioned to be receptive to POC's experiences for sure. We know what it is like to be expected to see the world through another's eyes in addition to our own. I saw an analogy a while back that being a woman in our society is like being a cyclist in a city built for cars...so we experience it...and can advocate for a more equitable "city" that is to the benefit of all participants, including the "car drivers".
I understand that people disagree about political responses to these issues, which makes sense. I think it is so worth it, though, to be willing to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy (Ms. Frizzle reference!) in hearing others' hopes and fears.
@Dorinda, I get comments questioning my ability to care for my disabled son because I don’t look strong enough to pick him or his wheelchair up (both are less than 70lbs). No one questions my husband. And for crying out loud, moms have been carrying kids for centuries while also doing all the household tasks needed to provide for families!
@Karen @ Living Unabridged, lots of times the term "blessed" is used to say "look at me" rather than to express humility and gratitude. The selfish misuse of a lovely word.
My father started working for a transportation company when he was 16. That company provided him with job security through his retirement. Being born into that family provided me with the following advantages.
1. Living in one home my entire childhood in a city which offered me a terrific public school education.
2. Enough extra income each month to pay for private music lessons, year-round participation in the neighborhood YMCA including summer camps and a teen leadership program which offered a mock legislature at the state capital, and books, magazines, and music which brought much of the world into our home.
3. Combining #1 and #2 earned me acceptance and a merit scholarship to a very fine private university. My father’s company also hired me for two summers during college on their “extra board”. This meant I filled in for vacationing employees which, by union rules, paid me their union wages. I graduated from college debt free.
4. That college degree earned me acceptance into an Ivy League university graduate program which then led me to a secure income throughout my professional life.
Yes, some of my success was earned through a lot of hard work. But the opportunity to work that hard rested solely on my family’s economic security.
Very interesting topic and I wholeheartedly agree with your points. I find it frustrating that people cannot see how they have advantages that are not shared by all but expect others to be able to achieve the same things in life. The universe is definitely not fair. To me, that's like saying that God wanted some people to have good lives, but others don't deserve it. That does not align with how I see God caring for his people.
Growing up, my parents were terrible money managers and always seemed to be going to the bank for a loan. Mom was taking on debt when she was in her 80s! However, they did some things that were frugal like having a garden, canning foods for the winter, and raising cows and pigs to slaughter to feed us through the winter. While they didn't teach me directly how to be financially frugal, seeing how they were constantly in debt made me want a different way of life for myself and my family. I did have the major advantage of my parents paying for my undergraduate education. Mom also did a lot of legwork to help me secure a co-op job with NASA that provided me with a small scholarship as well as a good technical job.
When we first married, we were not good with our money and looking back it makes me sad how much money we wasted. But over time, we decided to focus on savings and working towards being debt free. My husband's family is extremely frugal, so we modeled some of our ways after them. We were able to provide our kids with the same wonderful advantage we enjoyed and paid fully for their undergraduate education.
People cannot change where they were born or what race they are, and those factors influence their advantages and disadvantages. I truly wish people would look at their lives and appreciate the advantages they have and work to help those who are not as fortunate.
I keep meaning to watch that and forgot about it.
I'm lucky to have had good brains, a loving family and happy childhood. I was feeling super sorry for myself yesterday (oh, by the way, folks, my mother's been diagnosed with colon cancer too--found this out same day I went to the hospital last week), and a friend of mine posted a picture to FB of the beach I and my children grew up on. (Sorry for that grammar, but it goes to hell after the first week in the hospital. Also yesterday was the one-month anniversary of BFF dying from colon cancer.) I had a happy childhood there and I remember asking my dad to swim like a whale, which he did, spouting a lot of seawater out his mouth for a blow hole. Cheered myself up so much. Told my friend that my sibs and I used to run laps on the jetty while my mom screamed herself hoarse telling us to be careful. Also? I'm not a people pleaser and I'm very independent. I figure out what I want and I do it.
So I've had a lot of crummy, stupid illnesses, but all in all, I'm very lucky. Also I work hard. Both are needed.
@Rose, my heart goes out to you this morning with the news of your mother's cancer on top of everything else you've been through recently. Know that I'll be praying for you and for your mom today.
And I'm glad you were able to recall good memories and encourage yourself through that picture. That was a choice too.
I thought of something else. I have a decent sense of humor and so does my family. It makes things much better. For instance, the time my dad drove out to see me for some reason, parked, and asked where my car was. I had no idea. When I figured out it was repossessed my dad's snort laughter (and mine) could probably be heard three states away. Then Dad drove me to pick it up and pay some unconscionable amount to get it sprung. Of course my car was repoed during my divorce. Of course. (Then my son kept quoting the 80s classic "Repo Man.")
Sometimes, laughing is exactly the coping mechanism you need. Like...sometimes a situation is so bad, it's ridiculously funny.
@Rose,
Being able to laugh and find the humor in this sometimes absurd world is a true gift and a wonderful coping mechanism!
@Rose, sending good wishes to your mom! My mil nearly died of late stage colon cancer at age 70 but had surgery for a colostomy, took radiation and chemo and lived another 24 years which also included having 5 heart stents, becoming legally blind due to macular degeneration and diabetes. (Just mentioning this because when you get bad news, all you tend to hear are depressing stories. My mil was such a quiet inspiration to me and I like to share her story.)
@Rose, Yes. A good sense of humor and also the ability to put things into perspective....these are GREAT advantages in life.
@Dorinda, Thanks so much.
@Rose, sending you fist bumps from afar (since, as I recall, you don't do hugs) on this tough day. And, yes, I too find that a twisted sense of humor--well, twisted from a "normal" point of view, anyway--is priceless.
The @a comment is from me. I somehow hit "Reply" before getting my full screen name into the proper slot.
@Rose, I am so sorry that the hits just keep on coming to you!
@Rose,
Rose, I'm so sorry about your mother's diagnosis! What a lot for all of you to bear!
Oh, I am so sorry to hear of your mom's diagnosis. Man. I'm pulling for her (and you).
Thanks! Once my friends and I had a girls' get-together in Vegas. (I hate Vegas, but whatever, it was fun.) It was our last breakfast together and several friends were all I DON'T CARE I'M HUGGING YOU! (i do adore them) and then another came up to me and gave me the Vulcan salute, knowing I'm a Trekkie. So that's what I do now. I also often tell people I want to move to Vulcan. (hmm, hmm, hmmm, can't HEEEAR you, it's "only a story" liars.)
@Rose, there is actually a real town called Vulcan somewhere in Alberta, Canada, so you COULD move there....
When growing up, I would compare myself to my friends and wonder why I didn't get a TV for Christmas, why don't we ever go out to eat, how come the only vacations we get to go on are camping trips? But looking back, I think my parents did an amazing job raising ten children on one salary (thankfully my Dad made a good salary at NASA as an engineer). We had a TV for everyone, homemade food is better for you anyway, and I have amazing memories from those summer family camping trips. Actually, we were the only family of my friends that had a boat.
I went to 12 years of parochial school, which at that time I didn't appreciate how better those two schools were than our public schools. My parents saved to send anyone who wanted to to go to college, so I never had that debt. All girls (haha, nope not the boys) learned to make our own clothes.
So yes, I had many advantages growing up, education being just one. My Dad had a college education (graduated in 1943) and even my Mom had a business school education. So a college education was "passed down" to me, which I then gave to my two kids. When I was raising my kids, I always knew that when we got into any financial hardship, my parents were there to lend (not give) us money if needed, which was a huge stress-reliever. My kids now have the same advantage. I really try to remember the financial hardships I had early in my marriage to remind myself how lucky I am.
This may be a little off topic, but the holier than thou attitude you mention is one of the reasons why this is the only frugal living blog I read. Your blog has never come across as saying that people who make different financial choices than you are somehow not good people. I've made a lot of money mistakes and have to fight myself all of the time to be more frugal. Blogs that essentially tell me I'm an idiot for what I've done aren't helpful.
Back on topic, the whole "you're not working hard enough" seems to be the only thing that the folks at or near the top of MLMs have. They start to look really, really bad when you use facts and numbers, so of course they're going to blame someone's supposed poor work ethic.
I think it can be hard to see advantages that we have if we've had them all along because we just get used to them and see them as normal. I didn't realize what an advantage I had in growing up with parents who weren't abusive/addicts/criminals until I was an adult working in the court system. What you wrote about your finances being in a sort of limbo made me realize that being in a stable marriage is also an advantage. I can't imagine how unsettling it is not knowing what may or may not belong to you soon.
I do think it's worth noting, though, that simply not having something that someone else does have doesn't mean that they're somehow privileged. I really hate how much that word is thrown around. I read Laura Vanderkam's "168 Hours" recently and some of the bad reviews came off as being so self-righteous and whiney. The word "privilege" was thrown around a lot in complaining about how she talked about the time advantage of outsourcing some tasks like cleaning or laundry. However, in the book, she points out that sometimes someone claims not to be able to afford something like a cleaning service but they spend the equivalent on cable/streaming services. Obviously, that's not the case for everyone, but it's worth remembering that we may not necessarily see the work someone put in years before to have something instead of just assuming that they're somehow advantaged or privileged.
Finally, I think you're 100% right that we should find some way to use our gifts, talents, abilities, privilege, whatever you want to call them, to do some good in the world. There are so many ways to help make the world just a little bit better, whether that's using your abilities in a helping profession, volunteer work, mentoring, or something as simple as taking a meal to someone going through a difficult time.
@Danielle Zecher, or the people who keep bellowing that experiences are better than things in a self righteous tone? I guess they've never had good things or bad vacations, etc.
I have had some VERY BAD vacations so I am in agreement here. Ha.
@Danielle Zecher, "what an advantage I had in growing up with parents who weren’t abusive..."
Someone I worked with told me about her son's experience in college. He was doing a semester-long volunteer experience at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen in a very large city. He wasn't great at communicating with her during the semester but sent one message that made us both choke up when she told me. He said: "Thank you for telling me you loved me when I was growing up."
@Heidi Louise, We did foster care for 15 years, specializing in male teenaged sex offenders. While it is not universally true, I saw first hand that some of these kids had almost no alternative but to follow the path they had been put on by an adult. If your father made you keep watch while he molested your little sister and then beat you if you did not molest her as well while he kept watch, how can you expect that child not to go on and be a predator with other small kids? And there were many similar stories. Did you know there is a treatment center for under aged five sexually aggressive children? What kind of future do those kids have? Even if they turn out okay, the fact is that for the rest of their lives they will use brain bandwidth to compensate for what happened to them in childhood, bandwidth that could have been used for other things in life. It is exhausting to keep having to cognitively override the emotions and behaviors that were drilled into you as a kid.
@Heidi Louise, if he grew up in a good environment he probably had a hard time processing it and figuring out how to communicate it to his mother. I remember my parents looking at me like I was nuts after my first time observing Family Court (I was 19 and very sheltered) when I sat at the dinner table and said "Mom, thank you for being sure who my father is and never getting mad at him and telling me it was someone else. Dad, thank you for never saying that just about anyone could be my father."
@Rose, exactly! Life is not one size fits all! What's a better choice for one person may not be the better choice for someone else. As long as you can afford it, the choice to fill your house with things and never go on vacation or travel extensively and not own much, or anything in between is your own to make. Casting one as better or morally superior to the other is just self-righteous personal opinion masquerading as fact.
@Lindsey, These are the saddest stories. Foster kid stories are so, so sad. My cousin fostered and then adopted a pair of (unrelated) girls. Those stories are so horrible. And that's what I try to communicate to my children (though I would not tell most of my children what you related because that is more horrible than they are able to handle).
Thank you for the care you provided.
@Kristen, "You think all experiences are good? Take my kids along when they feel like bickering and then let me know." In fact I have a whole series of photos of my kids about 8-11 years old, being horrible to one another, making faces at the beach, and then me snapping "I better see some smiles or no one is getting ice cream!" and then the big fake smiles for the ice cream truck. I treasure them of course.
@Lindsey, "specializing in male teenaged sex offenders" OMG. You are an angel. Seriously. Talk about someone who is willing to care for the least loved among us.
@Rose, Ironically, they were the easiest foster kids to have because one misstep and they were in jail for a long time, so they seldom ran away. Also, many of the kids were quite charming, which is how they lured in their victims. We are a few aggressive predators but they tended to go straight to jail rather than foster homes. We had a few other foster kids early in our tenure and they ran away or the courts threatened to jail them over and over and then did nothing...we were asked to take sex offenders because we worked from home so could handle the "24 hours sight and sound" rule. If we both left, we had to bring in a babysitter even though some of them were 15 or 16 (the youngest we had was 11) because these kids could never be left alone. The only caution I used to tell folks who asked about becoming specialized foster parents was that you ahve to be able to talk about sex, sometimes their crimes when they tried to deny what they had done, and other times teaching them appropriate sexual behaviors since some of them wanted desperately to be "normal" yet did not know how. An orgasm is the strongest reinforcer the body has, so learning not to keep trying to get that pleasure the bad way is a struggle.
@Lindsey, thanks for caring for these kids. My son was put in the foster system but no one would take him because of his medical needs so he lived in a hospital even though it was unnecessary for him to be there. In the process of getting approval to adopt, the case workers talked about these kids (and all the teens too!). And my heart broke for them but we were not in a place that we could manage that specific need. I’m glad there’s at least someone who they had that could show them what safe relationships look like.
Wow, Kristen what a great post! It's so spot on too! Squandering the advantages we're given sort of ensures, at least in my mind, that we won't be given many more...
The universe is fair? I interned in first grade for 6 months. First grade and you are already categorized and judged by the family you come from. Six years old and you reflected your whole society. I would take the bottom tier, six kids, and go to a storage room for individual study. They may have had breakfast if they got to school in time for the free breakfast. Maybe they had something to eat last night. First thing I learned, bring food. Second thing I learned... try to keep them awake. It’s hard to sleep when you live in chaos, school was a much safer place to catch some zzzs. When it finally got down to learning they were smart, as are most kids. Not that you would know it in class where they would either sink into the shadows unnoticed or disrupt everyone and everything.
What was the question, I forget...oh I guess I think if you make it to adulthood you are a success.
@Tiana,
This is so sad and so true. I have several first grade teachers in my family who have had similar experiences and challenges. They live in a state of perpetual hope that they can make a difference. Thankfully they do!!
I cannot speak to the extremes here… there are always extremes. However, we certainly do not all start in the same place in life. We don’t all have the same experiences… the same talents … the same challenges … or the same advantages. We all have a completely unique experience. I know that I sound a bit new age, but it benefits all of us to treat one another with respect, kindness and compassion.
However, I do believe we all make choices -both good and bad — which change the course of our lives. Many are able to breakdown the barriers that they are faced with to live wonderful lives. I can’t pretend that I understand what enables some people to do this. Is it luck? Is it want to? Is it the presence of some great talent? It just is.
Just as we don’t all start in the same place, we don’t all end up there either. Even two people with similar socioeconomic, educational, and genetic backgrounds may end up in completely different places. I see this with my two sons. Their paths are not the same. Neither are their talents, interests, or shortcomings. They are absolutely individuals. It is curious how this can be , but the variables in a chaotic world are many.
One last thought: Wealth is often seen — especially by MLM — as the ultimate happiness and the greatest measure of success. I just don’t believe that. Wealth does not immune an individual from illness, emotional pain, bad luck and psychological or physical abuse. I know wealthy people who are an absolute mess as human being. The converse is true also. I know people of little means who are happy, wonderful people. Perhaps this is a kind of karma too.
@Bee,
your last paragraph - so true!!!!!
@Lea, Yes! I recommend watching the 2011 documentary "Happy." Some of the happiest people in the world are the poorest by financial measures. The last gentleman's story who was interviewed in the documentary will break your heart, make sure you have tissues on hand.
Great post, Kristen! And funny timing....this morning I was just musing how life is not fair. This should hardly be a surprise, and yet somehow it is from time to time for me.
I completely agree with you here - there are so many examples of the universe not being inherently fair! All individuals can do is acknowledge advantages they are given, try to help others, and try to build on areas of weakness that they want to improve 🙂
One of my favorite posts you have written yet! Since I teach about prejudice and do cover its connection to unearned advantages (privilege), I thank you for covering this topic. I haven’t watched the documentary but now I will because I am also just curious about human behavior in general. I don’t believe the universe is fair and acknowledging our advantages is one first step in striving for a balance. Having grown up with many disadvantages including living in public housing, not speaking English, etc. I did feel all my life that I had to work twice as hard as others just to be on equal footing. For example, getting into college and applying for financial aid was a completely foreign concept to myself and my family. If had not received guidance and support from others in how to navigate this process I would not have been very successful. In other words these other people used their advantages to help me such as those with knowledge and education to prepare me for college level courses and those with finances to provide scholarships to help me pay for expenses. Now that I have overcome these disadvantages I hope to do better for others myself starting with my own children to teach them that they can make positive contributions to our world.
@CindySW, Your comment reminded me of something I learned recently. Although I was college-educated, I had never (even after teaching public schools) learned about CLEP tests. After my son had already begun college, I learned that he likely could have earned college credits by taking these tests. I felt kinda guilty about failing on that one. It's a minor thing, but he is paying entirely for his own education; I wish he'd had this advantage.
Such an interesting topic. I have so many advantages...I sometimes feel guilt over it. I had a loving family...my dad's mother died when he was a kid and his dad didn't really provide love for him. And yet that guy turns around and loves and supports his kids and grandkids so fiercely it's almost funny. My folks had nothing growing up and moved to the US, not knowing how things work here. I was born here, understand the educational system, can get a job, can speak the language, understand the culture...it really is much easier to navigate. My folks came here to get an education (my mom her bachelor's degree, my dad his masters) so I've been given the advantage of valuing education and pursuing it. They work hard and provided a good example for me and my brother. I came out of graduate school with no debt (folks paid for my undergrad, scholarships paid for housing, scholarships and a job paid for my MBA). My folks lived frugally so I learned from them and they trusted me early. I was responsible for writing the checks to pay the rent, utilities, etc. and they got me a credit card when I was 16 to built up my credit and so that I could learn to manage funds.
I know I've worked hard and I've had good judgement on a lot of things. But it would be unreasonable to not recognize all the things that put me on my life's path.
Preach, Kristen. Preach. The world is decidedly unfair. And more unfair to some than others. I appreciate every word you’ve written and particularly the piece about giving back to help mitigate some of the disparity caused by this unfairness - I needed a kick to motivate me to find a place to give back, because I tend to lend monetary support to various causes without also giving time.
Thank you for this post. The virtues of humility, honesty, and responsibility are also honored by all the faith traditions. I am so grateful to the Christian teachers who are helping us to push back against consumerism, and appreciate what we have more than agonize over what we lack. My church sponsored anti-racism discussion groups that read a series of books on how racism works. For me and my white friends, it was a shock to begin to understand a system we couldn't see, because it works in our favor. It was embarrassing to me that I hadn't seen it better for myself, so I would add to the virtues above, a willingness to listen without judgment. Even though some people twist the meanings of these great evils, like the people who try to use race to screen their own failings, they are still evils at heart. By standing up for honesty, we can do a better job of building a society with more fairness, and better safety nets for the unfortunate.
You have tapped an important part of giving back to the world. When we can listen well, and act with integrity, we can reduce the injuries of an unfair world. The entitled MLM types are also overlooking the role of plain luck. What do they say if luck goes against them, instead of for them?
I have been advantaged my whole life. White. Upper middle class. Loved. Cared for. Many books in my home. Books truly matter.
I have worked in disadvantaged public schools my entire career. It is very important to not want to SAVE the disadvantaged. It is important for those less advantaged to be SEEN. and HEARD. Also strong public schools matter for the greater good no matter where you personally stand on educating your own children. Educated is best.
I could say a lot more but shall not.
@Stephanie, I am a homeschooling mother who once taught in some disadvantaged public schools. I hear you. I often think and think and think about how to improve education for those who are disadvantaged. But. My thoughts keep coming back to the difficulty in compensating for a difficult home life. That's something a traditional school cannot fix. And then I get discouraged.
@Jody S., In a study done on kids who had tough lives, looking at those that succeed over those who don't, the single biggest factor is that they had someone who paid attention to them. One single person made the difference. And that person did not have to stick around for the lifetime of the kid, sometimes it was less than a year. People change through relationships, so some kid you taught for only a year may have found you to be the person who made them feel smart/talented and seen. You never know. And you never know how that will manifest itself. I one time received a phone call from a kid I had worked with years and years before. She was an alcoholic from about 14. She called to tell me that because of me she had herself sterilized, which I initially gasped at because I was so horrified. She went on to say that knowing me she realized she could never be a good parent and she saw all her siblings had children and were terrible parents to them and she did not want to pass on that legacy. So, she made sure she would never have children. That is horrible on one level, and I grieve that she could not climb out of the pit of alcoholism, but on the other hand I was glad she did not put a child through the hell she had been put through.
@Lindsey, My mother was that kind of person. She had all the neighborhood kids knocking at the door...plus her grandchildren all adored her. And I know that meant a lot to my niece as she struggled with drug addiction. I can only imagine how she impacted others.
I only taught in schools for 5 years, but there are 2 specific things I am proud of. One was that one of my students felt comfortable enough with me to tell me that she had attempted suicide and was thinking about it again. That was important. If I did nothing else right as a new teacher, that was it. I was kind enough to that girl.
Thank you for the encouraging reminder.
@Lindsey, one person matters. One.
Seems so simple. Tears in my eyes as I type this.
@Lindsey, I have been thinking of that "one person matters" issue as I have read these amazing comments, thank you for writing about it so articulately. And then you shared your gut-punch story about that kid who called you. And I am realizing the solid truth that just because I could be the "One person who made a difference", I cannot in all good conscience also try to make all the decisions for another. That is taking on far too much of a God role, huh? Instead, trust that what I am and who I am and how I behave can give gifts to others, and get out of the way when they use those gifts in their own God-given life.
I just wanted to add another statement that I sometimes hear that makes steam come out of my ears. It's "Everything happens for a reason." No, it doesn't. Really terrible things happen to really good people. Terrible things that are not fixable and shouldn't happen to anybody.
Sometimes, I try to gently give my opinion on this statement, and sometimes I just sigh and move past it.
@Anne, I agree. Things happen. We look back at them and make reasons or meaning out of them by how we respond, or we don't do so.
In my town some many decades ago, a boy died swimming in the river. The community responded by building a safe swimming pool which has benefited hundreds, probably thousands, with swimming lessons and recreation. But that boy did not drown and his family have all the grief and loss so we could have a pool. His memory was honored and people's lived were made better by how people chose to respond to the tragedy, not the tragedy itself.
Ok, hope I got the example explained well.
@Anne, @Heidi Louise, Yes, this is precisely how I view it through my prism as well. It's not "Everything Happens For A Reason" arghh . . . are you really going to say that to the mother of the still-missing, precious five year old boy that is still missing here in flood-ravaged California? I deeply and sincerely hope not!
But . . . can something positive come eventually from tragedy? Yes, I see that, I have experienced that, and for that I am thankful. It is an important nuance that allows space for those suffering through tragedies not to have their suffering diminished, while allowing space for something transformative to sprout from it at some point. Perhaps this is called hope? (Not sure, just a brief thought.)
@Anne,
People say horribly insensitive things when trying to find and give comfort. It is hard in the face of tragedy to make sense out of a chaotic world. I think people who say this are often hoping for justice and seeking meaning in something so horrible that it can’t be explained.
@Anne, I also hate that bromide, because it oversimplifies, glosses over truly terrible things, and dismisses tragedy, loss, and pain as inconsequential.
However, everything DOES happen for a reason: because there is evil in the world, because nature is harsh, and because people do really stupid things. Learning that choices have consequences ought to help with the latter reason, but those first two reasons are an unhappy fact of life.
Reading this book Hand to Mouth: Living in Bootstrap America by Linda Tirado helped me start to have a better understanding of the complicated and compounding issues surrounding poverty.
One example… what kind of jobs are available to you when you’ve lost half your teeth due to lack of dental care?
I watched Lularich after reading your first post talking about this company. It was disturbing. One of my former co-workers was just getting into Lularoe as a side hustle when I left that job for the one I have now. I wonder how that poor young woman did. She was hoping to make money for her wedding.
This post had me nodding my head all the way through it. I agree with Kristen, I am very grateful for the advantages I've had.
I've had some disadvantages in my life, too, though. So how is the world fair, Mr. Stidham? Was it fair that my husband was stricken with Type 1 diabetes early in our marriage? Was it fair that his parents died (leaving almost no inheritance after long illnesses) by the time he was a young adult, and mine had to watch every penny, so we had no financial backup as adults ourselves? That my dear parents died in a housefire that took with it a large portion of what I might have inherited, as well?
Or was it fair that my husband chanced upon the perfect work partner and ended up as the vice-president at his last job? That we were able to have two healthy kids? That I got a good job because of someone I know? Life is not ultimately fair, Mr. Stidham and "working harder" won't overcome all the disadvantages. I give thanks for the good things and pray about the bad ones. And as much as I am able, I strive to share the benefits received from my advantages with the disadvantaged.
The "frugaler-than-thou" thing - oh, my, yes. It's something I detest and hope I never catch myself using on others.
Such a great topic today! And so many thoughtful, wise things have been said that I don't have much to add. I will say only that I'm thankful for having had these particular advantages (in addition to the usual white middle-class ones):
(a) Grounding in a solid set of important life skills. (Although some of my parents' child-rearing practices didn't work out that well, their theory that we should all be taught to swim, ride a bike, type, and manage a bank account and a checkbook was right on.)
(b) A grandmother who financed my siblings' and my college education, even though she didn't approve of my brother's and my choice of school.
(c) And an unusual college education that taught me, above all else, not to be afraid to think flexibly and unconventionally.
This @a comment, too, is mine. Dunno what's gotten into either my fingers or the site today.
I agree one hundred percent! I have so many advantages that stem from being born into a white, upper middle class family, in a stable country, able bodied, straight in good health
So many "systems" in the USA are not fair at all. The housing system (Redlining), court system (bail, public defense, higher arrest numbers for Bipoc folks) education system (wealthier neighborhoods higher tax base for schools) banking system (higher rates for poorer people) it goes on and on.
Having read personal finance blogs for 15 years and having previously written one for around 10 of those, I have to say that the two lines below might be the most important I've seen written in the community.
"If you think you are entirely self-made, though, it is actually logical to look down on other people who are less successful; you think your current state is your own doing, and you think other people should be able to do what you’ve done.
But if you can see how you’ve been given gifts and help and advantages, then you can have grace for others who might not have had the same help."
Thanks for this.
@Michael, I agree.
And a pretty great essay on self-made is at this link —
https://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/07/23/a-self-made-man-looks-at-how-he-made-it/
I don't remember where I saw it, maybe six or eight months ago, and realistically I guess it could have even been here on The FG. It's ten years old though.
Well, I take that as a high compliment!
This is why my trigger words are "Everything happens for a reason!" Tell *that* to the six million Jewish people killed in the holocaust!
@Katy @ The Non-Consumer Advocate, the reason was horrible horrible evil. But I don't think that people who use that cliché are truly thinking it out.
@Katy @ The Non-Consumer Advocate, exactly my point. And there are a billion other examples. How about an infant born with a massive health handicap? Was the reason for that to teach his/her parents a lesson? Gaaaaagh!
I agree and would add that the book Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell absolutely decimates the idea that the people who wind up at the top were somehow harder working than everyone else. Hard work helps. But plenty of bad things happen to good people and vice versa.
I work in Flint-think water crisis, no universe fairness for those children & families who had no choice to drink leaded water. Mr LuLa has pretty warped thinking.
Very well said!
Interesting topic, & I agree that the universe is not fair. I personally think that a person’s response to situations & circumstances is key. Also, a lot of privilege, no matter your skin color, was made possible by practices, sacrifices & values passed down through the generations. An example of this is education. Many of our grandparents only made it through the 8th grade (maybe high school), our parents may have some college, & we are college graduates.
I personally had many advantages growing up middle class, but that classification was made possible because my parents grew a large garden. My mother sewed most of our clothes & canned/preserved the garden produce. My dad changed the oil in the car & drove a school bus part-time.
My parents provided us with love, a stable home environment & the basic necessities of life. They also provided music lessons, books when we lived in an area with no public library & supported us in our extra curricular activities/interests.
I’ve had advantages from hard work & from being in the right place at the right time. I have had more than my peers and less than others. I’ve had health & strenth, but illness also.
But I also believe that what goes around comes around. So I try to send out as much good as possible.
How true. I have often felt priviliged being born in the part of the world where I live and the age I live in, in the family I was born in: working class, cautiously spending, not arts oriented unfortunately but with a good eye for colour and a good ear for language, practical, no-nonsense and nurturing.
As a response to a post I think late last year, someone posted a quote from a writer I think who came from a poor background who became very rich. This quote was basically a letter thanking people who had seen his abilities and helped and encouraged him and given him opportunities. And a plea for all to see the abilities of other people, regardless of their background, and help, encourage and provide opportunities to them as well. It moved me.
Amen, sister!
You nailed it!
There are a number of ways in which getting an education was easier for me. I had a stable, loving family and we lived in the same town my entire childhood. I never had to worry about having a safe place to sleep, we always had enough food, and I never had to start over in a new school. For most of my growing up years (at least from ages 9-18) my parents both worked at my school. For a number of years my dad was a full-time substitute teacher before becoming a full-time high school teacher and my mom was a paraprofessional. They knew the school very well. I later learned that it's no coincidence that all 5 of my math classes were with one particular math teacher.
While my parents had to work HARD (many times with multiple jobs) to overcome some money mistakes they made at the beginning of my life, the path that they took smoothed the path for me having a chance to be very successful in school.
Sometimes I think about how advantage varies even within families because I know that there are a number of advantages I had over my older brother. It's not fair. It just is. Some of it was timing, some of it was situational, and some was just the way we were made. Things have not been easy for him and I'm really proud of him for working as hard as he has over the years.
Thank you for this post!!
Oooooh, boy, do I agree with you on this. Also, I apparently have a LOT to say. I apologize for the length of this comment. So, I'm a former member of the same religiocultural tradition as the Stidhams. I'm keeping this vague to avoid starting an argument with anyone, but also because this specific group makes it very difficult for members to leave and I am not out to my family.
I think that it is important to acknowledge that within this religiocultural group, the Stidhams are absolutely not alone in their belief that poverty is an outward reflection of a lack of effort and/or an individual's moral failing(s). That is, if you're poor, you're not trying hard enough or you're not living the Gospel in a way that will open the proverbial Windows of Heaven. The lack of introspection and humility in recognizing clear advantages/privileges is just one of many things that ultimately drove me to break away from such a toxic culture.
When I think about my own life, it is very clear that I benefit from an extraordinary amount of privilege/advantage. Just off the top of my head:
-I come from multiple generations of college educated people with a degree of generational wealth. We're not even talking landed gentry levels here, just people who aren't drowning under crushing debt and aren't experiencing housing/food insecurity.
-Because of this relative wealth, my family had time to place a high value on art, music, and other types of cultural appreciation and exploration.
-Also because of this relative wealth, I had time as a teen and young adult to continue reading and playing music to my heart's content.
-College was a given, and I knew how "college worked" before I ever set foot on a campus. For example, I knew how to get scholarships, so I got my undergraduate degree without debt.
-When I was job searching, I was "savvy" enough to ask for help (because my family members worked in white collar positions and had HR experience).
All of these advantages have led me to a place in life where I have a job that I enjoy and that also provides for a comfortable existence.
Even some of my challenges in life have been pretty advantageous. Despite having to endure really painful deconstruction, my religiocultural background gave me an enormous amount of leadership experience, public speaking practice, and classroom management skills. A late diagnosis of neurodivergence left me with a plethora of strategies that I use to manage the way I process information.
Anyway, I have a LOT of very big feelings about this attitude in general and the Stidhams in particular. I love that you, Kristen, do not espouse such an attitude. While we might differ in our beliefs, I know that you would not look down on me for those differences (and vice versa).
To say to the world is fair is crazy talk. I live in a poor country with the extreme luck of having a European paspoort. Just that, makes me able to travel the world. Equality of treatment is the very best one can hope for. And it still not going to be fair. Fair is the word of a child .
I think people who think the world is fair haven't grown emotionally beyond that of a 6 yo. I can still hear my youngest declaring her latest 'hardship' as unfair in a loud and demanding voice and I always responded "You're right, life is not fair and better to learn that now before life throws really unfair stuff at you". I don't think I've heard her say that since very little, to be honest. Which is probably good in this house right now as life has definitely served us more of the unfair.
Is it fair that my girls were abandoned as newborns by their birth parents simply because they were female and their birth country's one child policy? Is it fair that their single adoptive parent has stage 4 cancer? Is it fair that they are going to be orphans again? No, none of this is fair.
Should I shake my fist at the universe in outrage? No, of course not. Instead I focus on the blessings (and there are so many!).... that these two amazing girls have given me the very best years of my life (I am so blessed to be their mother), that we have such supportive family & friends that they will never again be alone, that we have such amazing cancer care in this province, that I am still here fighting the good fight, that there is still joy in every day (okay, almost every day!). Too many blessings to list!
So the rich guy (to be honest I'd never heard of LuLaRoe or the Stidhams) who declares the universe is fair just reeks of privilege and lack of insight to me. I'm glad I don't know him.
@Leann, wishing you love and strength as you fight this fight. No this is not fair.
@Leann, thinking of you.
My dad used to say to us, "Who said that life is supposed to be fair?"
I posed that question to a friend once, and she responded, "Ummm, Benjamin Franklin?"
I thought a lot about (and really appreciated) the advantages that I had received right after my son was born. I remember telling my husband that having a baby was hard (physically, emotionally, and personally) and I was having trouble adjusting and that I had no idea how people in less than ideal situations managed it. We had so many advantages: paid maternity leave, health (for me and our baby), help (both from family and our church community), health insurance, jobs etc… and it was still difficult the first few months with a baby. I was never more grateful for those gifts than at that moment.
I've never watched this documentary or read anything about it beyond what you've written. Just a note...I've always felt very uncomfortable going to these kind of sales events....now they're online so it's easier to opt out. In the past you had to tell friends face to face no that you don't want to go or go & feel super uncomfortable for not buying anything. 🙁 ...or desperately look for the cheapest thing to buy to stay in my budget whether I wanted it or not.
I think my advantages are that I grew up in a poor family so I learned frugality out of necessity. My dad was born in 1905...so was a young man during the depression. His generation was extremely frugal m& I inherited his values.
Another advantage is that my husband & I married with no debt. And I married a man with the same financial values....actually he has been the one in our family who kept our goals in focus. I probably would have slipped up financially when I was young if it weren't for his steadiness.
A third advantage is a good steady job with good benefits.
I've had disadvantages too. It's rare not to have both but these are three big ones.
Excellent post, I admire how you notice the entitled attitude that often does acknowledge the struggles of others. It is good to keep in mind in regards even to frugality because it is so easy to judge others based on our perceptions.
Thank you for this post! Such an important perspective for keeping a sense of humility. We all come from different places and advantages aren't distributed evenly.
My family background gave me many advantages. I was gifted my education debt-free, taught to use the library, modeled to save more than I spend, shown how to cook from scratch, and more.
I agree 100%. I also like to call myself "lucky". I didn't do anything special to be able to afford college-I had a significant amount of money from deceased grandparents. I was lucky to be able to finish college without any debt. That doesn't mean I didn't work hard to get accepted and work hard (most of the time anyway) while I was there. But it means I had an advantage and was lucky.
I also used that money to buy a home. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have a home (it's a modest 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom) in the San Francisco Bay Area - a very expensive housing market.
Calling myself lucky doesn't negate any of the hard work I've done or the smart choices I've made. Acknowledging my advantages has definitely given me more empathy and understanding for people who didn't have my advantages.
I love this post. Thank you!
i think life is what you make of it. i grew up in a family with a mother who didn't clean, never gave me affection... told me she was cursed by the gypsies when she had me. and fed me tv dinners. i did not have my first date until i was in college. had no siblings, no cousins, hardly any friends. my father cut me out of his will and i didn't even know until after he died. nuff said.
today i have two fabulous kids who love me very much and we argue over who loves whom more. i have a great hubby. we have no debt, no car, no air conditioning and not much space for the four of us and our puppy Buddy. I am so grateful for how my life turned out.
i teach my kids about investing, giving charity and never buy anything on credit except a house. and when you buy a car, you get a used one and pay cash. plus never let a sibling's spouse get in the way of your sibling relationship.
great high school photo.
What a wonderfully thougthful post followed by a double helping of intensely thoughtful comments. Thank you Kristen for your courage in putting this one out there for contemplation, and for all my fellow readers for your kind and detailed and caring and nuanced responses. I just wanted to mention a book that I haven't yet read and DID hear about during a wonderful CBC interview: "No Bootstraps When You're Barefoot
My rise from a Jamaican plantation shack to the boardrooms of Bay Street"
Author
Wes Hall
Really thoughtful post, Kristen! I feel like "life is ultimately fair" is kind of an easy version of the much harder truth I hope I convey to my kids, which is basically that life isn't fair, but God is good. And, let's face it, a lot of times when life isn't fair, it works out in our favor. I think we all feel the pain of life being unfair when something bad happens to us or someone we love, but we don't mind life being unfair when our kid scores in the top 5% on the SAT or our family has everything we need plus more or we don't struggle with any health problems.
I do think some of the reason people are resistant to being fully aware of their blessings (advantages, privileges, whatever we want to call them) is because we seem to have the idea as a society that mistakes are only forgiveable if we feel like you couldn't have done better. I was having a talk with friends about tuition assitance for a school we are starting, and one thing that we were talking about was how often we are so eager to show grace to people who have made big, huge mistakes that we often ourselves haven't had to deal with, but we're less likely to show it to people like us who made mistakes similar to ours and who we think should have just done better. We'd all be eager to help a woman who couldn't afford tuition because she'd grown up in hard circumstances, had struggled with addiction for years, and now wanted better for her child, but could we show the same grace to a middle-class family who made some really bad choices with credit cards a few years ago and now are struggling to make ends meet because of their debt? I think so many of us would see the first case as a victim of circumstance, and the second case as people who made their own bed and so now just need to lie in it. I think owning up to having a lot of advantages can feel like saying, "I'm a person who should have it all together, and if I don't, it's entirely my fault and entirely my responsibility to get out of it."
But life is more complicated, and we're all both responsible for our choices but also on some level victims of our circumstances, in all different ways.
Really interesting blog post, I agree with you. Working at a children’s hospital taught me a lot about the unfairness of the world. You will make an excellent RN for many reasons. You’re a thoroughly decent human and I hope going forward that the world is good to you and your loved ones.
I agree 100%. The self righteous d’attitude of the LLR founders is due to their toxic religious beliefs. They think they’re “blessed” and everyone who isn’t - well God must know something and is blocking their blessing. It’s disgusting.