Q&A | frugal mental health, "why did you get a cat"?, and phones for kids
A reader wrote me an email telling me about some family troubles, including the story of her son leaving an abusive marriage, with his little daughter in tow. At the end of her email, she said,
I wonder if you could address the importance of taking care of one's mental health especially during really hard times, specifically in frugal ways.
First: I am most definitely not a licensed psychologist/therapist/anything of the sort. So, anything I share is just gonna be from one regular person to another regular person.
THIS IS NOT EXPERT ADVICE OR OPINION.
So. Mental health is definitely super important to tend to, although some of us tend not to prioritize it as much as our physical health.
There are some very expensive ways to take care of your mental health, but there are some cheaper habits you can implement too.
I'll just share what I do, since that's what I have experience with! If you're a regular around here, this will not be anything new, since I frequently share my coping mechanisms in posts here. 😉
Therapy ($$$)
If you're going through a really tough time, it might be worth it to pay for some professional help.
Therapy can be on the more expensive end of things, but if you can find someone who is in your insurance network, it can be affordable.
Also, I've heard good things about the affordability of online therapy, such as what is offered through sites like Better Help.
To get the most out of therapy:
- show up on time! You miss out on time you've paid for if you arrive late
- do any homework/application exercises faithfully. Either it'll help (great!) or it won't (now you know and you and your therapist can figure something else out), but you have to at least try it and see.
- jot some notes down in between appointments when things come up; otherwise it's easy to forget about things you want to bring up or things you need help with
A note: If you are a Christian, I know you may want to find help from someone who shares your faith (my own therapist is a Christian!). In my opinion, it's important to make sure that the person is actually a licensed therapist, not just someone who has taken some counseling classes, and this is particularly true if you are dealing with some type of trauma.
I'm sure I have readers who are therapists, so I'll stop here with the therapy talk and let them share more.
Exercise, especially outdoors ($0)
I've hammered this idea to death here since I left my marriage, so I won't say a lot other than: moving my body almost every day, outside in the woods, has made a world of difference for me.
I always say: "Going for walks doesn't solve my problems. It just makes me better able to deal with my problems."
I don't shove down my feelings ($0)
I've also beaten this to death. 😉
When I am going through something hard, or I'm processing a backlog of hard stuff, there is zero point in pretending everything is hunky-dory.
If I need to feel angry, I just let that happen, and then the feeling passes.
If I need to feel sad or hurt, I let that happen, and it passes.
Ride the waves instead of fighting them, I say.
Fighting a wave doesn't stop the wave, and it only exhausts you.
I hunt for the good stuff ($0)
During a tough time, I don't need to pretend everything is fabulous.
But I also don't need to think everything is terrible, because that's not true either.
(I've argued before that a grateful attitude is actually an attitude rooted in reality.)
Purposely hunting for the good things in my life helps me to avoid an, "Everything sucks, woe is me." attitude. 😉
I am kind to my body (very little $$)
By this I mean two things.
First, I put myself to bed at a decent time so that I am well-rested.
A tired brain and body will make you struggle even with regular life. How much moreso during a traumatic time??
Also: going to bed at a decent hour costs $0. 😉
Second, I try to put nourishing food into my body.
I don't do deprivation when it comes to food, so this is less, "Don't eat any chocolate" and more, "Eat as many fruits and veggies as you can."
A well-nourished body and brain are gonna handle a tough period in life better than an undernourished version of me.
I lean on friends ($0)
Friends are important for anyone, of course! But when you are going through a particularly tough time, a small group of understanding friends is super valuable.
It is especially nice to have friends who have gone through a similar trial because they will be able to support you especially well.
Kristen, I got a laugh out of the furry pet mentioned in the previous post. I am so glad you changed your mind about that because 1. I love to hear about the cats and 2. They make your life better. But I have been wondering for a while what made you change your mind. Maybe others are curious too, if you wouldn’t mind sharing.
-Ava
Well, initially it was because I love my children. 😉 Several of them wanted a dog, and I knew I could not say yes to that without becoming quite resentful over the dog's presence.
But I thought, "Hmm, perhaps I could tryyyyyyy having a cat instead."
Initially we were going to try fostering a cat to see how it went, but as it turned out, the shelter only had kittens for fostering.
So then we ended up adopting Shelly.
I had a lot of worries about having a cat, but they pretty much all ended up being unfounded.
I wrote a post titled, "Owning a cat: An Honest Review" and that pretty much runs down my whole list of worries.
Suffice it to say: having cats for pets has been way less terrible and much more wonderful than I'd anticipated. 🙂
My almost 12 year old son needs a phone, as I broke his. His old phone was one of my old ones, and we didn't have him on a plan. He just used it for youtube, Google, Facebook Messenger Kids and taking pictures.
I've realized that I need to have better control (parental control) over what he's doing on the phone. Monitoring messages and what he's looking up, etc. Apparently kids are learning certain things way earlier than when we were kids!!
I'd also like to have him on a plan so he can contact me more easily, and vice versa. Oh, and it's worth mentioning that we can't add him onto our T-Mobile account, as we are on a grandfathered plan and would have to change plans completely, which would end up increasing our monthly cost.
Did you buy your phone through Mint, or did you bring your own? Do you know if any parental controls that work well, etc?
I've been looking into phones and plans, and boy does it get overwhelming!
Thanks for your time; take care!
-Mandy
Hi Mandy!
My girls and I are all on Mint Mobile and yes, we brought our own phones.
Mint Mobile is SO crazy affordable (compared to contract plans that give you a "free" phone), you will be money ahead in very short order even though you have to buy a phone.
We pay $15/month per phone for unlimited text, calls, and data (technically we have 5GB of data per month, but after you use 5 gigs, you still have service; it's just a little slower.)
Mint Mobile does sell some phones directly, but usually I just go to Amazon and look for a refurbished model that's a couple of years behind the current model. Amazon's Warehouse Deals often has some good options.
If you open a plan through this link or any others in the post (they're all Zoe's referral link), you will get a $15 renewal credit with Mint Mobile.
As far as parental controls go, I'm gonna have to defer to readers. I am lucky that my kids were born early enough to spend most of their childhoods without phones, and at this point, they're almost all adults (Zoe will be 18 in less than six months!).
Sooo, I am very not up to date on the parental control options out there right now.
We suffer not only our own pain, but also that of our nearest and dearest. I feel for your reader, whose son and grandchild have difficulties both behind them and before them.
Like you I can only recommend what works for myself. Walking ina green environment and getting together with trusted humans is high on my list. And our pets have functioned as therapeutical pets for our kids on very many occasions, and for ourselves too I think! Also: sleep much and especially regularly, if your work schedule allows.
During one hard period I have listed for myself how I can recognize that I am started to "go down" and also what has worked well in moving the spiral upwards again. On occasion I review this list and then I can see for myself how many boxes I should tick in the "go down" list. For me, signals include withdrawing from social interaction, unhealthy food cravings, binge watching, dwelling on past wrongs, lack of excercise. So if I do multiple of these that is a sure sign I need to take action. As it happens I have not watched any television all summer. I am tempted to put on the tv now it gets dark earlier in the evening, but I resist temptation so far. I always have a few difficult weeks in autumn when I am restless and weary, and I've decided it is is probably better to implement my "feel better" actions in prevention rather than as a cure.
@JNL, This is brilliant.
@JNL, I tend to go to binge reading, slamming fiction in a manic desire to escape reality. That's when I know I am heading in the wrong direction. You are so wise to use your healthy "feel betters" as a preventive measure.
@JDinNM, I second that. Having a "go down" list at the ready is tremendously helpful and "feel better" actions are so hopeful.
@JNL, I love how you go about this....so wise
I like the "go down" list JNL, I'm going to try this. I don't recognize stress in myself until I get sick, then its a wake up call. Recognizing signs before I get the bellyaches might help!
What helps me is to start the day with a deep breath, being grateful that I can breathe deeply, then praying for the day ahead. I do yoga for free on You Tube (I like Yoga Today). I have an echo dot in my bathroom that was gifted to me, and I play music while I get ready for work.
Doing all of these things sets up my day. I'm less rushed, more focused. During the day, I try to get outside, like you said, Kristen. Looking at something green instead of a screen helps!
Regarding phones/internet for kids: my son is also eleven, he’ll be twelve in about 2 months. He doesn’t have a phone yet bc he doesn’t need one yet. However, he has a Chromebook bc he’s in 6th grade and almost all of his schoolwork is on the Chromebook. My sister works in cybersecurity, so I asked her what to do. She likes google’s Family Link best. This allows me to do things like monitor his use, lock the device, block sites, apply a filter, require my permission to download apps etc. So I do that.
However, it's not perfect, bc nothing is. Even if it was, there's nothing to prevent him from seeing things he can't unsee on his friend's devices.
So we talk to him about the internet and its many pitfalls. We talk to him about porn and why he should avoid it. We talk to him about internet scams and strangers. We talk about what we are blocking and why. We also tell him that he has no expectation of privacy on his device. We are regularly monitoring it.
@Tarynkay, In addition to talking to kids, also visibly model the behavior. Talk with another adult - where the kids can hear you - about what you do to stay safe, discuss articles that address internet safely/data safety/social engineering/etc, be proud out loud about how you didn't follow a link in an email but instead independently verified it, etc.
Good luck. It's not always easy and yet its also true that for almost everyone, it works out fine.
@WilliamB, So true that what children "overhear" will sink in. Being a spectator to a conversation between grown-ups makes the child feel grown-up.
@Tarynkay, so smart! Your son is lucky to have your wise, hands-on guidance.
I agree that talk therapy is invaluable, not only for hard moments but for medical situations including depression. Work on finding a good match. And to reiterate what Kristen said about training and licensing — yes, a pastor is helpful, but it is not the same as a therapy professional. In some (a lot of) cases it is helpful to have a therapist who can prescribe, as well.
As far as phone controls … ugh. Nothing is perfect. It is crazy that in a school environment the staff can see and control every single thing on an iPad, but there is no parallel thing for parents and phones. Apple’s Screen Time controls are fine, but not a miracle, and even for a fairly tech-savvy person, so confusing. Good luck.
@Karen., I know! I've noticed the school sending him a message on their monitoring app regarding a video (nothing inappropriate) that he was watching here at home. Why can't it be that easy for parents!
Phone: we did Gabb for awhile. That is the safest, but as another commenter mentioned you can do anything about their friends phones. Look for a promo code. Then, we found a used iPhone on Gazelle, did mint mobile with OurPact as the safeguard. Friends also speak highly of Bark.
@Britta, can’t do anything about their friends phone.
@Britta, such a key point!
For support, what do y'all think of support groups? I don't have any direct experience myself but have heard good things.
Many affinity groups offer deal on services that can include therapy: work (in addition to insurance), AARP, professional groups, etc.
If you're in a mental spiral, do what you can to get out of your head. A common way to do this is to do something *intensely* physical, such as burpees or putting your hands into ice water. For me, getting out and having small conversations with others helps also - I'm not going to dump my negative mood on them so I fake being in a decent mood, which always moderates my crappy one.
Another one for me is to do something good for someone else. It can be small, such as yielding the right of way to another driver, or big, such as listening to their problems and not mentioning my own.
Best of luck. The reader's son has a lot of courage and I wish them only the best outcomes.
@WilliamB, this is all excellent advice, as is J NL's suggestion of the "go down" list. I'd add only that though I've never participated in an in-person support group, I'd like to give my usual shout-out to specialized online support groups/forums. As I've noted often in the past, the forum for spouse/partner caregivers at alzconnected.org has kept me sane over the past 5 years or so.
@WilliamB, and others,
Beware of Employee Assistance therapy offered at your workplace. Since they are being paid by the company, not you, it is possible that anything you say can and will be used against you. There is a website; I believe it is called "The Mean HR Lady" or something similar, and this person has also written a book. She used to be an HR exec and she tells all the dirty secrets they have. Bottom line: HR is not your friend no matter how they may act towards you.
@Fru-gal Lisa, Agreed. My manager at my most recent job stressed me out because he was such a picky micromanager (and also, just not all that bright to be honest). I told him he needed to back off a bit with all the life stress I have going on, and what do you know, when the division folded in July, I was not the one chosen to relocate to another group. Another writer, not as good as I am, was. (There were five writers in our group and space for only one in another group.)
I don't regret telling him and I don't even regret much getting canned, but I am pretty sure that is why.
@Fru-gal Lisa, good morning- as a retired HR manager I want to (respectfully) comment here. We provided Employee Assistance mental health plans for all of our employees. It was absolutely private. I was not even told which employee used the plan- EVER. The only information I received from the service was they had referred X number of employees to a provider. I would hate for readers to not take advantage of their benefits provided by their employer. The Employee Assistance plan is private. No details whatsoever are passed back to the employer.
@Bernadine, thank you for that info!
@Bernadine, those are my thoughts too, as both a former HR employee and as someone who used my Employee Assistance Program benefit.
@Bernadine,
That was not my experience.
@Fru-gal Lisa, I can't speak for all EAPs but mine specifically states that it is confidential, between the employee and the provider.
@Bernadine, Same thing with the EAP at my company.
-Mairsydoats
@WilliamB, I was in a support group for several years. It saved me in so many ways. It was nice to be a part of something that proved that I was not alone in what I was going through. Being able to be helped by not only the therapist but also other survivors, and being able to help them as well due to my own experiences.
So I have a 15 year old. A couple years ago I ordered a phone through Pinwheel. You outright buy the phone. They use Android. I pay a monthly fee to use Pinwheel. It has limited apps (mostly games and educational), no Internet. They can text, call, and take pictures. The parent/caregiver has the account and signing into the portal gives the parent access. You have to approve everything, including friends and emergency numbers (I have me, the grandparents and an Aunt as emergency contacts. She can get ahold of us at anytime.). You can set up time restrictions. Like during school hours only emergency numbers can be called or texted. I use Mint on her phone. I pay 3 months at a time. I can see her texts and gps location.
Eventually when she matures and is able to handle a regular cellphone, I can call and close/cancel the account. They will remove it and it will become a regular cellphone. The number is through Mint so not much will change except she won't have restrictions.(She had a couple friends on there originally. They would get into arguments and start bad mouthing each other's mom. So I took them off.)
There are apps and ways to do this on regular cellphones.
You contact CS mostly through the webpage messaging. Not my preference. I ordered the phone, protective case and screen protector. I've had to reorder because she broke them good in a year. That's my kid. She doesn't take care of stuff. I have a good job and I'm frugal, so I'm able to pay.
**I originally thought about getting one of those phones where you can program 4 numbers and you get 911 button. There's no Internet on those. That's another possible route.
I'm on rotating shifts and this helps me and the grandparents keep track of her.
We use AT&T (we're in a giant family plan with our in-laws), but we still buy our phones separately because they're cheaper. I've been able to recycle my old phones through kiosks, and I usually get between $5-10 per phone. It's not a lot, but we keep our phones for years and years and it makes me feel better knowing that the old ones are recycled.
Here's another vote for early morning walks outside in nature. Sets the tone for the whole day. It's why I have a dog instead of a cat! (Well, one reason. And I do love cats. Just other people's cats. And a dog gets me up and out and moving. Cats get me sitting down and curled up on the sofa. Not that there's anything wrong with that!)
@JDinNM, I walk early in the morning with my neighbor and we have to go to great lengths sneaking around to keep her adolescent cats from following us!
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, My dog would disabuse those cats of the wisdom of that. Let me know if you need to borrow her.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, Cats are SO annoying to walk with. They always insist on walking directly in front of your feet where you are either in danger of kicking them or tripping over them. Good luck on your walks!
So this one will be interesting ...
Mental health is something I've struggled with for a long time now and unfortunately recent events have caused mine to suffer again. What I can say is that a lot of the support structures for mental health tend to be centered around women and men definitely get the short end of the stick with regards to care (at least in my experience.) In the most recent unpleasantries (plural) for my family there have been people constantly checking on my wife. I have people who check in with me to see how she's doing. I think one person has asked me in the whole last year as to how I personally am doing and that was in the context of how my wife and I are doing.
I will say that therapy is hit or miss for me. Back in my college days I think I was seeing a quack but at least I had someone to talk to. I tried it again a couple years ago and it was pretty much worthless. I did get an official diagnosis in the first time but so far I've not been medicating despite my doctor offering me pills regularly.
Things that have worked for me or at least somewhat helped have been finding some activities that I enjoy. Yesterday I was just overwhelmed and my wife insisted I go into the basement and watch one of my movies that's been on my list for ages. It was a comedy and it was nice to just spend a little while having some fun alone.
Per Cats: I know that thanks to toxoplasma gondii people start to like cats. Personally they are still on my "Nope! Never owning one" list but if I found myself on a farm I could see having some in the barn to control the rodent population. But I'm one of those rare people who just can't connect emotionally in any way to animals. I can recognize them as living creatures but I have never made a connection with any of them in the past. I don't know if that's due to allergies or because something in my brain is broken. 🙂
@Battra92, I have a son who's struggled with mental health since he was an anxious little boy, and you are right, it's shocking how little people care about men and boys' mental health. My daughter had the same issues, same psychiatrist, same diagnosis, and people couldn't do enough for her. My son? Some people outright laughed at his anxiety and depression.
@Battra92,
It is very pleasant sometimes to take some time off from the demands of ordinary life. I suppose watching comedy does the trick of mindfulness in the same way as, say, doing a puzzle of sorts? It directs the mind in one direction and that means thoughts aren't meandering.
I am very sorry to read that in their empathy for your wife, your family have overlooked the impact of grief on yourself. Take care!
@Rose, am so sorry to hear this. i have had issues my whole life. but 40 years ago i was given a great dr. and i am so grateful. was an inpatient and the dr. was actually given to me.
@Battra92, I appreciate your highlighting the differences in support. So helpful to know of your experience. All the best to you and your family.
@Rose, It's a darn shame. Recently there was a video making the rounds on the internet of a woman talking about the male loneliness epidemic and it was met not just with dismissal but downright hatred directed at the woman who made the video.
I even saw this in my own church when a couple got divorced. Weekly we were asked to pray for the woman but the man was basically told he was not welcome (not in words but people stopped talking to him and such.) It's really sick.
@Battra92, Please don't think your brain is broken re: animals. We're not all animal lovers. I didn't grow up with inside animals. Over the course of my life, I have never had that love, love of an animal. I have liked some-- my own inside dog quite a lot. But I will never be a dog mom or cat mom.
We got a dog because my husband likes them and because we saw our children being a little scared of dogs. Our dog was sweet. We took care of him. We loved him, but my love was never as love for a person. Not even close. I did cry when he died. I missed him when I was up late at night by myself (crying because my mother died), and he was no longer there to come sit on my feet. I think of him every time I get carrots out of the fridge because somehow he always knew when I was getting carrots out (he loved them).
And we have an outside cat that does a great job of catching mice. I'm thankful for her. I like her, but I don't love her. I like seeing her sitting in my window as long as she isn't scratching it. I think she's pretty. But that's it.
You're not alone. (BTW, I don't hate animals either.)
@Rose, that is absolutely horrible, I'm not surprised but I am so sorry that your son was treated like that. I completely agree, I've seen men in similar situations as myself and they don't have the same mental health outlets.
Hey friend! I have a few tidbits that might help readers looking for therapy at a reduced cost.
1) College counselors - my daughter gets free therapy as a student
2) Sliding fee/reduced cost - some therapists will take finances into consideration even if not advertised on their website. My daughter’s regular therapist does BOGO sessions for her after seeing our family’s tax return
3) FindHelp.org is somewhere to search for free and/or reduced cost counseling services (and other assistance)
4) Support groups (just google your issue plus near me, so for example “divorce support group near me”) are also free and can be just as helpful as therapy for some.
5) Check your employee assistance program (EAP) benefits! I was able to get ten EMDR sessions totally free when I was employed part time. Many employers are offering this now in recognition of how mental health impacts work productivity
5) Meditation, journaling - free and can be very helpful with intrusive thoughts and anxiety
@Carrie Huggins, these are great suggestions! So glad your daughter has been able to benefit from these resources.
Going through a traumatic time myself lately. Yesterday, planning my mom's funeral with her best friend, who didn't know until I told her she was dying. I was supposed to go out and visit my own friend yesterday and I just could not leave my chair. I felt like I couldn't take one more thing.
What has helped me is:
1. Writing down my feelings.
2. Reaching out to others.
3. Joking if possible.
4. Deep breathing.
5. Ativan or Xanax. (To be honest....)
6. Advice from a dear friend: "Just take it day by day. Take it hour by hour if you have to."
It's been hard for me to eat, sleep, or exercise. I forgive myself for that.
@Rose,
Be forgiving and kind to yourself - that is so important. Thanks for bringing this forward.
@Rose, any or all of your tips are good, including the one about forgiving yourself. Best to you during this traumatic time.
@MB in MN, Thanks, folks. Just re-read them because I am having yet another of those days where I can't move, in between feeling like running away and hiding. I know I've screwed up a couple very promising job leads and am behind on my workshop writing. Why do I always have to do things I don't want to do?
@Rose, When my mother was dying, life went crazy. I didn't take care of myself much; it was all about eating whatever was easy. I HAD to take care of my children, of course, but much of that fell to my husband. Please continue forgiving yourself. This is such a hard time in life. (Crying helped me. And reading Jane Austen. That's when I started reading Jane Austen. I escaped by reading.)
@Jody S., Thanks. Pride and Prejudice is my mother's favorite book and I first read it when I was nine. I may know it by heart now but it also might remind me too much of my mom. Yes: reading soothes me more than anything else. Maybe I'll dive into more Trollope. There's always more Trollope to read! heh.
@Rose, am so sorry for your loss. am praying for you. hand in there.
This year over at my blog I asked my (best ever) readers to give me their suggestions for what to write about so I’ve been writing through their alphabet of ideas/topics. Challenging for me, for sure. Anyways, in August I wrote T is for Therapy and this is it: https://marybethdanielson.com/content/t-therapy
@Mary Beth Danielson, beautifully written and insightful-thank you.
Concerning the phone dilemma, Apple's installed "Screen Time" provides a ton of options for the parent. You can completely turn OFF internet browsers and any other apps. You set filtering/age requirements on other apps such as Apple Music, etc. You can also set time limits to each app. "Bark" is helpful to add in addition to using Screen Time, as it monitors text messaging and alerts to any inappropriate activity there and is $5 a month for basic monitoring. Bark sends alerts directly to the parent's phone. You can also change things through the Bark app on your phone remotely. So if your child is away from you, you can open the app and change settings as you wish from there.
Love your recommendations on taking care of your mental health! I am a social worker specializing in trauma and crisis mental health, so here are a few suggestions in regards to accessing mental health care:
1. In NY, we have a program called Employee Assistance Program. Most employers legally have to offer their employees 6 free sessions of mental health counseling yearly. I am not sure if this extends to other states, but it's something to look into.
2. Most health systems offer their own mental health offices/clinics. Sometimes these clinics get a bad rap, but typically these clinics offer great service and have to follow stricter guidelines compared to private mental health offices. Most larger health systems offer financial aid based on income. This financial aid typically also assists with the cost of mental health care at those affiliated clinics. This advice also applies to County or State-run mental health clinics.
3. Some private mental health providers offer a sliding-scale; just ask!
4. Support groups are often free or low-cost. Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and Ala-Non are nationally run support groups that are always free. Local health systems or other non-profit organizations also often run topic-specific support groups for free.
5. Check with your religious organization. I agree with Kristen that if receiving mental health care through your religious organization, that you should ask about the person's credentialing/education first though. But, often religious organizations offer free mental health care to it's members via licensed practitioners.
@Corrine, so grateful for the work that you do! Pretty sure that I've never commented more times on one post, but I'm passionate about mental health. Your work is so important.
@MB in MN, thank you!!!
In regards to the phone I know someone who got here son a phone through Troomi. She has had nothing but good things to say about it. My understanding is that the child can talk and text but there is no access to social media. The use Samsung devices and it has a safe web browser and a selection of apps and games that are kid friendly. It’s $19.95 a month for unlimited talk and text with one GB of data.
I'm giving a shout out for Stephen Ministers. They are Christian-based, but non-denominational. They are NOT therapists. They are good listeners, gentle questioners, and they will tell you if they think you need a therapist instead. I finished up with my Stephen's Ministry talks after I finally got my husband in the nursing home and my anxieties settled down, but she still talks with me casually on occasion, such as checking in after the hurricane to make sure my family and I were okay.
I didn't have phone issues when my kids were young, since they were born in the 80's. I know my daughter has parental controls on my granddaughter's phone although I don't know which brand. My daughter can track her location at any time, which my granddaughter knows. I've also heard talks from authors who've written books on dealing with cell phones for kids these days. One recommendation I've heard more than once is that phones are to be charged in open spaces only, and all phones have to be handed over to parents by bedtime. No child can take a phone to bed. With laptops and tablets, it was said that they be used only in public spaces and parents must have all passwords AND use those passwords to check the devices at irregular intervals.
As far as cats when I was growing up - my parents never wanted a cat. We frequently had a cat. You know how it is when you have kids...
My husband was and is a cat and dog lover, as am I. Since my marriage to him, we have always had a cat, until our tuxedo cat died. I haven't adopted another cat because I knew my dog needed another friend after the cat died, but needed one that would play with her. I got my newest dog for her, but he is untested against cats, and frankly, he looks and acts like the kind who would not be particularly safe around a cat. I could be wrong, but I'm not willing to put a cat through trying to find out. I feel it is very likely I'll have a cat again, when I know it's safe for the cat.
Phone Ideas: Wisephone is an intentionally designed phone that has no social media, internet, etc. It is a little pricey ($400) but definitely not as much as a brand new smart phone. Another option is The Light Phone II ($299). Finally, Sarah from the SHU box blogged about the phone option for tweens they are going with (Nokia 225 4G) and I really respect how her and her husband approach parenting, highly recommend the read --> https://theshubox.com/2023/05/5-on-a-friday-pretween-tween-edition.html
Sending loving thoughts to the reader of your first question. Yes, women can be the abusers, not just the abused, including sexually assaulting men. It takes great courage to leave an abusive marriage as the reader's son did, especially if public opinion of friends and family is against it.
As Battra92 noted in his comment, we skew the need for mental health care to women only.
Sounds like a good day to get some extra sunshine outside!
I love dogs and cats, and we have always had a gang of rescued critters, but as I get older, I realize that cats are the easy-care animals. Our middle dog died in late winter and the oldest one is in poor health. My husband is lobbying for more dogs, but I am content to stop at our gentle youngest youngest dog, who is good with cats, mostly because I'm the one who does all the dog care and this feels like a good place to end.
Exercise has been a critical component to helping me manage stress. I appreciate that advice, because that (and the occasional meditation, when things get really wild) has helped me in countless ways. When I don't exercise regularly, it has such a big impact on my mood.
I can identify for sure with the change of heart on having an inside cat!
Living on a farm, our cats have always been outside, and i was bound and determind to NEVER have an inside cat. But...someone dropped off a dear kitten about 3 years ago, and when our territorial matriarch attacked it, we took her to the vet and brought her inside. She is pure joy and we've not regretted it yet! She is much less work than a dog. Since we sold our cows and went away to work, dogs were too diggicult for us and this cat has wormed her way into our hearts!
Perhaps the son can reach out here and find some resources.
http://www.thehotline.org
So timely! We are adopting 2 kittens tomorrow. We had to put our sweet boy down in June, and the house isn't the same without a cat. I love animals, but dogs are a lot more work than cats, and I agree wholeheartedly with all of your points on your previous post about owning a feline. I may have to check into the litter that you recommended--thanks for the heads up!
My husband and I tried to be catless once. We made it 3 months. Life is better with a cat. And it is easier now that our 3 cats live outside, getting put into the outbuildings (where 2 of them were born) each night.
Taking care of one's mental health - goodness this is SO important and I don't think it is something we talk about enough. There is always a stigma it seems about admitting that you are struggling and I have experienced for myself that ignoring the issue(s) is never helpful. I have found therapy to be an absolute God send. I didn't always feel that way sitting on couches and divulging painful details and memories. Therapy is work my friends! But, I have tools and skills on coping that I never had before. I am able to recognize triggers and set up healthy boundaries - these two things alone are invaluable to me. I am of the opinion that the benefits of therapy far outweigh the cost so if you can manage it by all means do so.
I have dealt with trauma in many stages of my life and I am also of the opinion that physical activity is key to managing stress. I am a fan of the tough workouts and the hikes in the woods or on the beach. I always feel better after a workout even if it only allows me to release stress or anger. I find that it helps me to work through my thoughts and process them more effectively. I think more clearly and it also helps me to sleep better and crave healthy foods to fuel my body. I tend to want to binge carby foods when situations arise but if I do a great strength training workout it tends to balance my cravings. Sounds weird I know, but it works for me.
I have two boxers and I will always have a dog by my side. Animals love you in a way that no one else can. They are constant companions and truly cherish their people. Yes I have to care for both of my dogs. There are trips to the vet, daily feedings, exercise, training, playing but, they are expert snugglers and caring for them is such a stress reliever for me.
Parental controls....I cannot help in this arena as I am trying to learn them myself and they are confusing to say the least. I am one of those uncool parents who will most likely not allow my child to have a phone until he is 15 or so. I understand the need to get in touch but also feel like social media, computers, phones and all the technology kids are exposed to and required to be exposed to are stealing away childhood. Kids need to learn tech of course but they also need to play outside, know how to have conversations with others, socially engage with their peers, read, imagine, etc.
@Angie, I guess I'm less cool. Our homeschooled kids will get phones when they turn 18 and pay for it themselves. I don't even have a cell phone.
my 12 year old and about to be 15 yr old and hubby have trac phone and they are happy
with their service. they have the one year plan because it was cheaper. we found out about trac phone from mary hunt of cheapskate monthly. i have att because i am a shareholder and i like to support companies i own shares with.
also i forgot my phone when i came from my m-i-l house to go to the dentist, during the pandemic. was able to get a i-phone from att really cheap. very old model but it is good enough for me. and it is 15 dollars a month cheaper than verizon. my old carrier. but i have stock in them too.
we don't own a car but i have stock in four car companies.
For mental health, one of my stumbling blocks is insomnia. I know things are heading down in the wrong direction when I start having more episodes of not being able to sleep. So, the going to bed early and getting enough rest bit is something I struggle with. (But it does help to establish a regular bedtime for sure, and I try to stick to it.)
I get something called "emotional hangover" if I share too many intimate things with friends, and sometimes I end up regretting it. It definitely helps to try to find like-minded people to realize you are not alone, however. And even just making a point of reaching out to somebody once a week or so helps me from not sinking into an antisocial cocoon.
What does help, is to find podcasts in the subject of what you suffer from, these are very educational and also helps with realizing you're not alone. Even better, listen to one of the podcasts while outside walking.
Good music, books, exercise, making art. Watching more positive, even cheesy films and TV.
Finding a therapist in-network of your insurance.
For the phone question, we used Family Link until our kids were 13. After that age, we take the phones away at bedtime.
I am definitely a converted cat person as well, and have in the past had two rescue kitties. Would love to adopt more, but afraid of too many allergies in the family.
I have done three rounds of therapy in my life (and I am currently in the semi-maintenance phase of round #3) and all have been out of pocket due to pretty crappy mental health coverage on my insurance. I am blessed now that my co-payment is something I can afford, but for my first forays I was a broke newly-graduated college student and then a single income household. My biggest recommendation is to find a therapist that is in their internship. They are fully educated and licensed but they are still pretty fresh. The payments tends to be more than half the cost of others and often they work on a sliding scale based on what you can afford. There is no difference in what the sessions feel like and achieve, but it does mean that they will discuss your case with the supervising therapist. While this can mean you are getting someone without the same knowledge breadth and experience, I tend to look at it as someone that doesn't have quite the biased viewpoint, as well as a bit fresher perspective. And as a bonus, they are getting input from a very seasoned supervisor so you can look at it as getting 2 therapists for the price of one.
I just had a few minutes to read your “Owning a cat: An Honest review” post and had to laugh. Growing up we moved every 2 years or so for my father’s job, and frequently were renting houses with “no cats or dogs” leases. So I, too, cycled through “fish, hamsters, lizards” and a couple of rabbits, one of which (Thumper!) was moved in the trunk of the car across the Pennsylvania Turnpike in the middle of the winter, with my mother pulling over every hour to check and make sure he hadn’t frozen to death. I was only 8 and extremely upset about the move (first of very many) and my mother was not about to tell me I couldn’t take my rabbit. But her favorite of my “caged pets” (as you so eloquently termed them!) was a hamster I named Mr. Chips, who lived in a hamster cage on one of those folding TV tables in a corner of the kitchen. But every morning we would find him out of his cage and in the dining room, chewing on a corner of the carpet. It turned out he stuffed the cedar chips in his cage behind the tray bottom, which pushed the tray out from the bottom of the cage, and he would squeeze his chubby little self out, and then dive off the folding TV table and go exploring. Every night. And we’d put him back in his cage while we ate breakfast and he would stand up on his hind legs like a little bear and rattle the bars until we fed him pieces of our toast.
@JDinNM, Ha, Mr. Chips sure had tons of personality ! It could be hard to move on to another pet after the bar-rattling kind...
@Suz, He raised the bar for future pets ... so to speak. ;-} Definitely a Fan Favorite. Much more charismatic than, say, the chameleons.
Another option to care for one's mental health: medication. I resisted this, and I know there can be stigma around it. But it has really made a big difference for me. And in my case, it's fully covered by insurance so $0 out of pocket.
@Carla and others: On the (Newly Designed!) Frugalwoods.com , Mrs. Frugalwoods writes quite candidly and articulately about her diagnosis of, coping methods for, and medication for depression. She was diagnosed first post-partum, and she says she will take medication for the rest of her life.
I found it very helpful to read. Look under the "blog" tabs, under the heading of "health and beauty" for her archived articles.
@Heidi Louise, yes, I actually read her initial article about being diagnosed with PPD when I was trying to get pregnant. And then I was also diagnosed with PPD after my first child was born. 3 years later I'm still on meds and it has made a big difference in my quality of life.
I appreciate that she wrote so candidly about it because I think it helped me come to terms both with admitting I was struggling and trying medicine.
For younger kids and people with intellectual disabilities, I recommend Pinwheel. My SIL who is 28 and has disabilities uses it. We looked and looked and couldn’t find anything that let us control who she could call/text and vis versa. But Pinwheel lets us truly lock it down. 0 issues since with inappropriate texting and calling. (She doesn’t use websites so I don’t know what control it has there but it has something).
Pinwheel also has heavy duty case/phone options if you have someone who damages electronics easily.
Costs $15/month. But not having to look at her texts and phone logs anymore? Priceless.
You have to buy two iphones if you want an exact mirror of your child's phone. I would do this if you want to see EVERYTHING on the phone. Kids delete messages as soon as they are read if they are trying to hide things. You can buy an older model though. Instructions are on youtube. My oldest is 16, and I must know the passcode, and I can look at it anytime I want. We turn it off from 9 pm to 7 am. Only 3 apps are allowed then.
I think iphone offers best parental controls.
I'd like to thank everyone for the phone advice. It gives me a lot to think about. I did end up getting a Samsung Galaxy - my husband mentioned that it would help to have one like ours, so we know the in's and out's of the phone itself already. I'm taking my time with setting the phone up - my son is going to have to continue waiting! This way, I can figure out what plan to get (leaning toward Mint) and try out some parental control apps. In the meantime, I'm having random little talks with him about internet safety, rules for the phone, etc.
One thing I found that looked interesting, has anyone heard of this, an app called Truple? It's an accountability app, I guess it takes screenshots at whatever interval you choose (5 seconds, 10 seconds, etc) so even if the person being monitored deletes messages or uses incognito browsing (!! I didn't realize this was a thing!!), you still see the screenshot of it. Looks pretty interesting. I'll report back if I end up using it, for those of you trying to figure this monitoring thing out too!
Mandy