Monday Q&A | Family Worship and Children's Chores
Every Monday, I answer a few of the questions that my readers send me. If you have a question you'd like me to answer in a future Q&A post, just leave me a comment here or email me (thefrugalgirl [at] gmail [dot] com) and put Q&A in the subject line. I look forward to hearing from you!
Note: Usually I answer 3 questions in a Q&A post, but these two got sort of long, so I thought I should stop with just 2! Also, my apologies to those of you who aren't parents, as today's questions will probably not interest you. I promise a non-parenting post tomorrow!
I'm curious about what you do and what materials you use during your family worship time. Growing up as an missionary kid, we had family devotions and prayer every morning, but I just haven't been able to form the habit with my own family. My husband and I have three girls (4, 2, and nearly 2 months - incidentally, the middle one's name is Zoe Elise!), and I try to read a Bible story/devo to them every night before bed, but I'm not consistent with it.
So, anyway, what format do you follow and what books, etc do you use/did you use when your kids were younger and closer to my kids' ages? Thanks!!!
-Monika
Well, we try to keep things simple (you know how I love simple!). There are four main things we do during our family worship times.
Bible Reading
Mr. FG or I read a short-ish section from the Bible (we work through a book at a time), and then we talk a little bit about what the passage means. When our kids were younger, we tried to pick books of the Bible that were easy to understand (like the Gospels or Genesis), but we've now worked through some of the minor prophets and the Epistles.
Prayer
After we read our passage, one of us prays...we cycle through the family, and since there are six of us, it usually works out that we each pray once a week (we don't usually do family worship on Sunday nights). Sonia and Zoe need a little help from me or Mr. FG, but they take turns too.
Singing
Depending on how much time we have and what's going on with music at church that week, we sometimes have a singing time before we read the Bible. If Mr. FG and I need to play something together at church that week, he plays his guitar, I play the piano, and the kids and I sing the song. Sometimes we let them pick out some other songs to sing (we did this a lot with Christmas songs in December!).
Story Time
Also, something we started recently is some fiction reading after our prayer time. We've been working our way through Christian books for kids, like Dangerous Journey
(a Pilgrim's Progress book), and our kids love, love, love this new tradition.
Since your kids are so young, though, I'd recommend keeping it short and sweet. I'd read a short passage from the Bible or a good children's devotional book, talk about it, have a short prayer time, and be done. If you make it too complicated and long, you'll lose their attention and you'll be much more likely to do family worship inconsistently.
(I should add that family worship is not the only spiritual teaching we do with our kids...among other things, Joshua and Lisey read their Bibles before school, I read missionary stories to the kids at lunchtime, and I read Bible stories to Sonia and Zoe during our school time. And of course, we listen to Seeds CDs too!)
I had a rough morning today and I realize that the kids are taking advantage of me. I also have 4 kids and I have started a system of earning marbles for doing chores. It is a good incentive for them, however some days they are not motivated and I feel like I am constantly nagging at them to pick up after themselves or to do a chore that was forgotten. Do you have a system that motivates your kids? I know consistency will pay off when they are older.
Maybe I just need to make the stakes higher and give them a few marbles for a job instead of just one. Or if they tell me they did a job, instead of me finding it need to be done. I think I am just exhausted and worn out! I need my own break! or a day off.
-Shannon
First, virtual hugs to you! I understand the frustration of children that can't seem to remember to get their chores done. And I too struggle to be consistent...I think it'll be a battle for all of my parenting years.
That said, here are a few suggestions that have helped me.
Start small and build from there.
If you've been sort of lax about chores and responsibilities, start with a small number of chores for each kid. If you keep it simple, you'll be much more likely to keep on top of it. And wouldn't you rather have a small number of chores done consistently than a huge number done randomly, or not done at all?
Find a consequence/reminder for forgetful children.
Joshua and Lisey are supposed to alternate sweeping the floor and wiping the table after dinner and lunch. If one of them forgets to do their chore, they then have to do both chores at the next meal. Since we instituted this policy, they are much less prone to running off after dinner to do other things!
Children do forget things, and a lot of times, it's not a malicious, disobedient sort of forgetfulness. The problem is simply that the chore in question wasn't important enough to them (would they forget to have ice cream after dinner? Nope, because it's important to them!).
So, getting extra chores for forgetting is a way for us to help their brains to file chores under "important!".
On the reminder end of things, Joshua tends to forget to take the trash out, so he's got automatic reminders that pop up in his email inbox. That way I don't have to remind him myself.
(could I say "remind" a little more?? Remind, remind, remind. There.)
Work first, play later.
At our house, my children need to get their schoolwork done, piano practiced, and their rooms cleaned up before they can spend time playing.
Also, before they eat breakfast, they're supposed to make their beds, get themselves dressed, and hang up their pjs. If they try to shuffle out in their pjs and sit down at the table, I send them right back. 😉 Unless, of course, it's a day where a shower is happening after breakfast!
Of course, there are days where things go all wonky and this work first/play later things doesn't happen, but on the days where we manage to follow this pattern, life is so much better.
Don't get too hung up on a system.
There are a million and one chore charts and systems and graphs and checklists out there for children, but ultimately, they're only as good as you are consistent. Keep your system and plan simple so that you can have a prayer of staying on top of it.
Do rest and take a break!
I'll say more about this later in the week, but I definitely think that moms need to get sufficient rest and refreshment in order to function optimally. In some phases of life, this just isn't possible, of course, but if you can manage it, I think you should rest. Get yourself to bed at an hour that works for you, and consider taking a day off once a week. I personally don't do any unnecessary work on Sundays... for example, I do dishes and help children brush their teeth, but I don't do laundry or wash the floor. This leaves me with time to do fun things by myself and with my family, and that's refreshing to me.
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Readers, do you have any family worship or chore tips to share with these two readers?
Today's 365 post: Could lunch get any better?
A fun addition to a devotional for younger children is a 'God Bless' part. After bible, prayers, and stories, each child gets a turn to say 'God Blesses', ie: God Bless Mom, God Bless Dad, etc. Encourage the child to bless each member of the family and other people in their life that day. Because children are funny, they'll be sure to add in some interesting ones, like the family cat, a random Uncle, etc. This is a good opportunity for them to wish blessings on those in their life, perhaps on those who have passed away, and finish it is with a "God Bless Me" so they remember to ask God for help for themselves.
I have to say that when I was really little I can remember kneeling by the bed and saying prayers with my Daddy after bedtime story time, and blessing everything I could think of. Top of the list was always the family dog! For parents, I actually think this time with them is a way to see what a child is thinking, who they're worried about, and teach them that praying has power!
This is a great idea. I'd love a little more insight into my daughter's mind. And some sense of participation for her.
Chore tip:
Having 3 kids myself, I struggle with getting the kids to help out with household cleaning chores (aside from tidying their toys and putting things that they take out away and picking up their dirty clothes).
I have found it very helpful to approach chores as a training exercise rather than a rant to "help out". I assign one chore to one child for a month - for example, vacuuming the main living area of the house. That child does it twice a week for a whole month. It does 3 things - gets them thinking about helping out and HOW they can help out, teaches them HOW to do the chore properly, and gives them lots of frequent practice to "get it right". I help at first with the hands on part, then I back off and just supervise, reminding them about how they can move the lighter furniture out of the way to vacuum under them. With my direct supervision, I can immediately intervene if they are struggling to switch from the floor head to the power head before they blow a gasket, and they feel "special" because I'm devoting 10-15 minutes of MY time to watch them perform. It's a win-win, and just yesterday, when I asked my 8 yr old to vacuum, she was able to get the central vac out and all hooked up, fully vacuum with minimal assistance and I only had to help her roll the hose back up at the very end... because she did her vacuum training month a few months ago and learned exactly how to do it. Sometimes kids don't DO chores (or fight doing chores) because they haven't been taught HOW TO DO the chore. I figure my time invested in teaching them today will pay off when they are older and know how to clean a house!
This post has to do with motivation. Let me explain: My children are grown with children of their own. As a grandmother, I have wanted to participate in my grandchildren's lives. The past two years I have been privileged to "help out" with the education of two of my grandchildren (All three of my children homeschool).
The first year these two came to my house one day a week for school. I taught music, art, and Bible. They enthusiastically looked forward to Friday's. They were motivated. This also helped out my two daughters as each had newborns that year.
The second year my daughters felt they needed five school days each week to complete the necessary work, so teaching at my house ended. But each daughter was having problems with motivation, "in the attitude department". Could I help with that?
We devised a plan. For each day the child had a "good attitude" (according to the mother), I would deposit a certain amount of money into that child's account. At the end of the marking period, the mother would report the number of "good attitudes" to me and I would give the child that amount of money. It seems to be working. Daughter number one said recently that her daughter will grit her teeth at times, but then keep quiet and do as instructed.
I can agree on teaching them the chore! It goes so smoothly!
My daughter(almost 7) and I are reading (by-weekly) Little Girls Bible Storybook for Mothers and Daughters. I like the way it has *Mom's Touch* at the end of every story. It is where the mom can explain some of her experiences she has had in life, linked to the bible story. It also has a special bible verse for each story. The purpose of the storybook is to try to see the feelings of each female (like Eve for say) during each episode of life to see a deeper insight. It also has questions for the mom or daughter to express about the story and again what they have experienced. It's a great devotional! My son is older to where he can read on his own. On Saturdays we sing together too. We have many hymnals and my husband would be playing guitar or on the keyboard.
My 3 year old is always eager to help out with chores when I offer to play a board game with her or read an extra story at bedtime, etc. Not only is it great motivation for her but it ends in more quality time together...it's a win all around.
I'm eagerly awaiting the time when Miss is old enough for a book our dear friends gave us - The Jesus Storybook Bible. Instead of presenting Noah or Daniel as events all by themselves, it tells them as part of The Big Story - "how God loves his children and comes to rescue them". I really like the purpose of the book, that Jesus is "the piece that makes all the other pieces fit together, and suddenly you can see a beautiful picture".
The chapters are a little too long for her attention span right now, so for the routine part of her little spiritual life, we pray with her before bedtime. The rest of the time it's just conversation with a two year old about (for example) how God made her on purpose, exactly like she is, and wants to help her be everything he created her to be.
We're in a time of our lives where we are not going to church, and I caught myself thinking the other day how it was a shame that Miss doesn't get to go to Sunday School...but I had to stop myself, since it's not really someone else's job to teach her about the Lord, is it? It's our privilege to have that responsibility, and it's just a bonus that her responses to it right now are so hilarious.
how about using a "job" instead of a chore... when i ask my 5 yr to help pick up his stuff, i get a song and a dance. But If i say to him mommy has a job for you he jumps all over it! (i get him to dust the tv stand..) hey it helps....
Kristen, I love this post! We don't have children yet, but this past year we've been gathering bits here and there that we like for further down the road. Neither of us grew up in a particularly faith-filled house (though both sets of our parents are Christians, they weren't as vocal at the time), and so we've worried about forming habits for ourselves now (such as praying together and reading the Bible together) so that we can do those with our future children. Neither one of us had chores growing up, but we know that it's important to give children responsibility and to teach them to contribute to their family life out of love, so we've been saving PDF's of cute chore charts, etc.
I really like the singing hymns idea. We both love hymns and love to sing, so it would be an excellent family time activity. But can I ask on the chore issue how you set up automatic e-mails to Joshua as reminders? I know my husband would appreciate if I could figure something like that out for him (he forgets with everything else on his plate right now, but I hate to nag).
I find two things helpful. When first teaching a chore, like cleaning up your bedroom, I did it with the child and then we took a picture and taped it up in the room. For the next few months, when a child said s/he was done cleaning the bedroom, I asked if it looked like the picture. Also, seeing the picture every morning reminded the child to do the chore.
Second, some kids are not auditory learners. So, I tell them what to do, do it with them, take the picture if it is approaprite and I have a daily checksheet that includes all of their responsibilities---from brushing teeth to feeding fido to making beds and so on. They check off each thing as they do it and before bedtime we go over the checksheet to be sure everything was done. Sometimes it means a chore is not done until the half hour before bed, but that is okay in that I don't spend the day nagging them. As they get older, they write up their checksheet for the nexdt day the night before---it helps them plan, learn how to keep lists, and makes them responsible.
I also have some chore free days, assuming they are keeping up with their daily responsibilities---one day a week and then another surprise day in the month.
Finally, I always stress how their chore is helping the family. One thing we have lost is helping kids feel essential and needed to the functioning/survival of the family. Everyone needs to feel necessary, and I find that kids develop a sense of pride when they have contributed. Especially if it is something like gardening or food preparation or saving money by mending...those really are important to the functioning of the household and saving money, so I try to make a big deal of them. I remember feeling pretty proud when I heard my teen tell someone, "I will be over when I finish weeding. If weeds grow, food doesn't and then we have to spend money on something like carrots. Do you know how many hours my father works to pay for one grocery shopping trip?" Of course, this happened only once, but during the teen years it was enough to sustain me when he was making me nuts other ways!
And remember: some days will require nagging, no matter what!
that thing about the picture is BRILLIANT.
there is a subjectivity to "clean," and the picture can guide kids to learn that.
Maybe this would also be great for keeping ADHD kids who get hyperfocused to see the big picture, literally.
check out http://www.flylady.net she has a house fairy thing that is a way to help the kids get their chores done. she says to set a timer.
We have a couple of strategies in our house to help the kids help out. Firstly, I have a card stuck to the pantry door which lists all the things they need to do before they are considered 'ready' for school (make bed, glasses on, hat/shoes etc) as I found I was saying the same things every day, "Alexander, do you have your glasses on?", "Ruby, have you brushed your hair?" this way they know for sure everything is ready. I did a similar list for after school (letters out of bags, bags away, lunchboxes in kitchen etc) and another for before bed (school bags packed, uniforms looked out etc). I found this has really helped because the request to 'get ready' was too vague!
Our other strategy is a speed tidy up. I put on some urgent music - Mission Impossible Theme and 'Flight of the Bumblebee' are a couple of favourites - and we dash around as fast as we can getting things sorted!
Good idea but, how do you get them to be better with money?
In our household we taught money management by the "10-10-80 plan." Ten percent was tithe, ten percent for savings, eighty percent to spend. The tithe was given in the offering at church; the savings was placed into a piggy bank; the eighty percent was the child's to spend as they wished. We trained them that the tithe was the Lord's; the savings was to be set aside for a specific, long-term purpose (such as a new toy they wanted); the eighty percent was for their personal spending, from one "paycheck" to the next "paycheck" (allowance day). They were not allowed to "borrow" on next week's allowance. Their spending money had to last or they did without.
As our children became teens we gave them responsibility over clothing purchases. We told them how much was allotted for clothing for the year. Use it as you choose, but remember, this must cover all your needs. We will provide no more.
It was interesting to observe the way in which each child worked with these principles of money management. Our oldest took her money and squeezed every thing she could out of it. Example: She bought material and learned how to sew rather than buying new clothing. Our second daughter would spend most of her money on one or two items. Our son, the youngest, chose classic clothing that would last. In the end, each learned to manage, but each had to come from a different starting point. Our job was to "lay down the rules and stick to our guns." And by the way, each in their own way lives by the "10-10-80 plan" today.
I came from a home where my mother basically just refused to do housework. I have no memory of ever seeing her wash a dish or clean a bathroom. The only thing she did was laundry. I did the majority of the housework, including weekly mopping of the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom, and washing the dishes. My father did vacuuming and some other heavy duties. Our home was dusty and messy all the time. My and my sister's bedrooms were disasters nearly all the time.
I'm not a mother, yet, but because of this I feel like I have already lived a lifetime as a "do-it-all" mom, in a way! LOL Moreover, it is clear to me that one person--be it a child, the mother, or the father--cannot do all the housework without coming to resent it and (possibly) the other people in the home. As several other people have stated here, the whole family benefits from the home, and the whole family should contribute in some way. Tidying up after yourself is a simple straightforward concept that is one of the best things children can learn. The degree to which they do so can be determined by age, ability, etc. I have seen this applied even in a family I worked for where there was a full-time housekeeper/nanny. The kids still had responsibilities--clearing their own places at the table, putting their laundry in the hamper, making their beds, feeding the pets, etc.--and so even though they had luxuries they were not spoiled brats. When they needed to be corrected, the admonition was, "That's not _____'s job, that's your job." When you tidy up after yourself, you're not helping out mom/dad/whomever to do *their* job, you're doing *your* job.
For devotions, our family usually reads the Bible (or the Lion's Children's Bible) after dinner, then have a time of prayer, followed by singing a song or two, followed by our eldest (4) doing a memory verse. Her sister will join when she can talk -- we start with something simple like "Who made you" and she answers with "God". Our daughter loves the routine and will remind us when we do something out of order! The whole routine rarely takes more than 10-15 minutes so it's not hard for our kids to stay focussed.
As for chores, I can't give advice from years of experience, but I do know that if you're consistent and say what you mean and mean what you say in all areas of life with your kids, they will hopefully know you mean business when you ask them to do a chore. Our 4 year old only does little jobs like tidying up her toys at the moment, but she knows that when I say she can't have a story (or whatever else she's keen to do or have) until she's picked up all the toys that is the way it is. I try to model the same thing in what I do -- I don't sit down and read a book when the laundry is piled high and the sink is full of dishes! It's also good to know your child's frame and if I can see she's having a tough day focussing on a job, I get down next to her and help her. It encourages me no end when someone does that for me, so I try to return the favour sometimes. 🙂
My 4 year old just loves to be involved in 'helping' me with whatever I'm doing, and I indulge her. If I'm dusting, I give her a rag, or I let her wash some plastic dishes, or let her help me bake or let her help me sweep. Sure, I have to go over most of it again when she's not looking, but she's learning, and seeing me do it so that it is not strange to her --chores don't just magically happen!
I'm not parent so I don't lead devotions at home, but I do have them with my school class each morning. One resource I have enjoyed using for teaching Bible stories is Egermeir's Bible Story book. It does an excellent job of giving lots of interesting details, but in a way that is not too graphic. I find it excellent for holding the attention of 7-10 year olds. Another resource my parents used when we were very young was The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes by Kenneth Taylor. Another great resource for application of Biblical truth is Keys for Kids from CBH Ministries. You can get a bi-monthly booklet mailed to your house, or you can also find them on-line where the stories and verses are in a searchable database--very handy if you are trying to target a specific subject or Scripture passage.
We "gave" our older kids an allowance based on their age (Age-4) So when they turned 5 they started out with $1. The kids had to pay for extras with this money. They also had to pay their maid. By maid, I mean me. They each were given 2 chores that were their responsibility each day. If they weren't completed by lunchtime, I did them and the kids had to pay me. One of their chores was always to pull the covers up on their bed. We set it up so that even if they had to pay the maid every day they would still have a little bit of money, but not much. This way the kids realized that money doesn't grow on trees and it took most of the hassle out of those two chores. When they didn't do the chore they would usually come to me with the money because they were making the choice to not work that day. They were usually willing to pitch in and help with other chores when needed, and sometimes we would offer to pay them for an extra chore if we felt it was above and beyond the responsibility for their age.
I love your idea of sort of setting the kids against each other if they forget to do their chore. I think that would have worked wonderfully for our boys too. They would never want to give the other a chore free day 🙂