I sometimes feel so behind
(Usually, I write about this kind of thing on my Patreon, but this one is money-related, so I'm gonna keep it here. I'm being a little vulnerable because I hope it will help someone else.)
I'm starting this draft on a day when I looked at my hospital 403b plan (basically a non-profit version of a 401k).
And I am sorry to say, dear reader, that I spiralled a bit.
Maybe it was the clouds outside, maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it was hormones...I don't know exactly why, but I fell into a small pit of discouragement.
I played with the calculator to see what I'd need to do in order to max out my 403b, and I realised I'd have to contribute 45% of my pay for the rest of the year to make that happen.
!!!!
And then I started to think about the people who call into financial podcasts and say things like, "I already maxed out my 401k and my Roth, and now I'm wondering what to do with the rest of the money I want to invest," and I felt just utterly behind.
I don't own a house right now, this is the first time in my life I have ever had a 401k, and I've never maxed out a contribution for even a Roth, let alone a 401k. I've never even had a full-time paying job until this past year.
And I am doing all of this all by myself*.
(*which is better than doing it with the person I used to have, but is not as good as doing it with a helpful partner.)
I felt discouraged, sad, and angry that this is where I'm at. In no way do I regret my decision to divorce; it was one million percent the right decision, and I would make the same choice over and over and over if I were given the chance to re-decide.
But it just sucks that it was necessary. It sucks that I wasn't in a healthy marriage. It sucks that I had to, in many ways, blow up my life.
I don't wish for what I had; I just wish that I had had something better. Some people DO have a marriage that is healthy and happy, and they don't have to start over in the middle of their lives. That must be so nice.
Climbing out of the pit
I have a lot of experience by now when it comes to dealing with little pits of despair. I know they never last forever, and I do know how to climb out.
First, it is often necessary to cry. And then I move on to reminding myself of true things, each one a rung on the ladder that gets me out of the pit.
Let's take a trip through the rungs:
I am lucky, so lucky that I was able to leave
Some women are stuck, especially financially, and they cannot leave. I got out! I did it! I left a situation that was terrible for me, and I am so grateful for that.
I am very, very fortunate that I have an income at all
So many stay-at-home, homeschooling moms have no way of earning money when they get divorced. I am so fortunate to have my blog and now my nursing income.
I am so lucky to have a degree and no school debt
Many women in my shoes got married without a degree (like me!), and the process of getting one in middle age is pretty overwhelming. But I did it!
I got my RN, and in a year, I will have my BSN, all with no debt. That's a huge gift.
I am debt-free overall
I did not walk away from my marriage with piles of money, but at least I did not have any debt to carry with me. And I have accrued none since then either.
I am not dead yet. I still have time
I'm 48, which means I am no spring chicken as a worker. However, I hopefully still have quite a few years of earning in front of me. I have some time to catch up.
I don't think I will ever be terribly wealthy, but I think I can get myself to a reasonably stable financial place.
I am very good at living on a tiny budget
My retirement savings are not going to reach the recommended levels; I'm quite sure of that. But on the other hand, I am very good at stretching a dollar, so it is reasonable to assume that I can live a decent life on a smaller-than-recommended retirement income.
I am really capable
I don't know what the future holds, but I can look back at the life I've already lived and notice that I am capable. I can figure things out. I can manage things.
So, it is reasonable to assume that even though I am behind in a lot of ways, I will figure out how to navigate whatever will come down the pike.
I can employ some radical acceptance
This is not how I hoped my life would go, and while it is healthy to grieve that, it is also healthy to practice some radical acceptance.
Fair or not, like it or not, this IS how my life has gone. According to reality, this is where I am, and I cannot change anything that has already happened.
I have everything I need
I have a place to live, I have a good car (my dream car!), I have enough to eat, I have clothes to wear, and this is everything I need and more.
And...I am rich in other ways. I have a healthy body. I have autonomy, agency, freedom, and choices, and those things are worth more than any amount of money.
When I've written about contentment, I have often quoted Taylor Leonhardt's "Happy or Whatever" song, and this verse feels relevant:
I had a photograph
Where I thought I'd be by now
I don't even recognize the girl in the frame
So I think I'll rip it up
Yeah, I think she's had enough
She might even be proud of who I am today
Maybe I have all that I need
To be happier than ever
I did not know that my life would be like this, but you know, I am happier than I ever was in my marriage, and I am so very grateful to be out.
Deep breath. I may be behind, but I am going to be ok.
What do you tell yourself when you feel behind financially?
(I know I'm not the only one who feels this sometimes!)
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Kristen! You're correct about all the positives listed...but it's still hard.
I definitely feel behind. A lot of people I know around my age have partners and a house (or at least a large apartment). I live alone in a studio flat. For the most part I enjoy living alone but sometimes it's difficult. I want to live somewhere larger and sometimes I feel very behind on life milestones, even though I know they're arbitrary.
I'm constantly trying to find the balance between saving money and spending on experiences. I don't want to be foolish about it but I also want to enjoy time now and who knows where late stage capitalism will take us?
Sometimes I get really down on myself and think I'll never find anything better anyway! And that everyone my age is 'ahead'.
The milestones part...I feel that. Like, I did get married, so I crossed of that milestone, but now I don't have a relationship to show for it anyway. It sucks to have invested all those years into a relationship all for naught!
But....it's not all for naught. Think of the lessons you learned (hard ones), the experience in coping and setting priorities, your kids. All of our past helps us make our future choices.
Sophie in Denmark,
Do not give up experiences in the name of "catching up". If I have one regret at the age of 64, it's that I didn't travel more when I was young (and single, and the cost of travelling tended to cost less!). I though I "couldn't afford it" when the truth was, yes I could. I missed out on participating in my high school bff's wedding (she asked me to be her maid of honor), because I "couldn't afford" to fly to NY, etc. A young work friend just took a trip to Paris, France, and Switzerland with a friend; they found cheap flights ($500 from Chicago to Iceland, then to Paris) and are staying in youth hostels. ( I get that staying in youth hostels is not everyone's idea of comfort while on vacation). Yes, she could have put that money in an IRA, but experiencing the world is important, too.
Thanks! I'm not interested in spending money on designer goods but I do love seeing the world.
Sophie, don`t feel behind.
I know a few people that did regret: marrying too early , having kids too early, buing their first house because they did not know then what housing they really needed... and so on. There are a lot of mistakes we all can and will make in our lifes, but sometimes it is not a bad thing just to sit back, watch and learn, instead of having every thing listed doing yourself.
I travelled a lot when I was younger and more physically capable. I recommend it with all my heart. You learn so much about yourself, your partner/friend if you take them with you, especially on a small budget!
Thanks! I know I'm happier single than being with someone for the sake of it. I like travelling with friends but also alone; I like my own company.
My husband and I put 2 kids through 12 years of private school and then 4 years of college, so during that time very little went into retirement savings. My friend and I used to laugh about never being able to max our 401k payments. Then I was able to finally, in my 50s. I am now 68 and will finally be retiring in October. I guess what I am saying is you never know what the future holds.
I'm glad you found the ladder to climb out of your little pit. And I really feel you're going to be just fine. You have proven yourself resilient over and over again (even when you don't want to be 🙂 ), and I have faith you'll figure this one out too.
I really like the idea of radical acceptance. It can be so easy to wallow in self-pity and wishing things had been different, but that's not ultimately helpful. Accepting what is and working from there feels harder, but is much more healthy in the end.
Proud of you! I can relate. Though the plot points of my life don't quite mirror yours, for various reasons, I am also "behind" in my retirement planning and saving. For multiple reasons, DH has not had income for a few years. So we live on my salary, which is enough! But it doesn't always feel like ENOUGH, especially when I listen to financial podcasts. I have to remind myself that those people have a different story than I do, be happy for them, and know that the best in my situation is the best I can do. We may be "behind" compared to them, but we're ahead of most people in the U.S. And you're right, with a cheerfully frugal nature, much more is possible with savings that are less robust than we hope.
Heather, just wanted to say "hi" from a fellow family breadwinner. My DH has not worked full time in 12 years--first, because we chose for him to stay home with our two young children rather than spend his whole paycheck on mediocre daycare, and then because he became the full time, unpaid caregiver for his aging parents. Add to this the fact that we had children a little later in life than the average, and sometimes we feel very behind when looking at retirement. But we persevere. I love how this blog lets us see so many different perspectives on life and frugal living.
Hi!! Yes, I agree about the different perspectives, too.
I returned to work after being home with kids for many years. We’re about the same age. I’m behind financially, but that’s not the part that bothers me. The world is a casino anyhow.
What bothers me is being so far behind professionally. Has that been an issue for you in nursing? People expect me to have a lot more experience than I do. I feel like I’m running to catch up all the time. It’s also a very adversarial field and people are not always kind when they find out. That’s one advantage to being older- I would have been much more bothered by other people’s big feelings when I was 25 than I am now. Now I just think, wow, maybe she needs a nap.
Your last comment made me laugh. If only we could put cranky co-workers down for a nap like preschoolers when they are clearly in need of one . . .
As a cranky coworker in need of a nap, I am on board! :-P
"wow, maybe she needs a nap." This made me laugh, too -- and I'm going to try to remember it. It puts grumpy people in a whole new perspective.
Being behind professionally....that's not too much of an issue for me, at least so far. Everyone on my unit knows I'm a new grad, so expectations have largely seemed appropriate.
Sometimes my patients are very surprised that I am a new grad, and I figure that because of my gray hair, they assume I've been at this for a while. Ha. I will be glad when I've been a nurse for at least a year, so that when they ask me, "How long have you been here?", I can have a more reassuring answer.
Kristen, your patients are most likely surprised by your being a new grad because of your competence, maturity, and great bedside manner ☺️
)))HUGS!(((
Not to invalidate your feelings at all, but I want to vote Hormones and utter exhaustion led to your mid month breakdown.
OG Kristen was in a pit of depression, severe marital distress, mentally breaking down, fearing for her life even having a future and had no pension/retirement..
Kristen 2.0 has control of her current and future life, lives with peace in her mental and physical safety, had earned degrees proving her education, has consistent and steady income, safe and enjoyable transportation and has been able to hire a lawn boy to alleviate a little summer stress.
You are doing great! Allow this moment to wash over you!
Haha! You said that so much better than I did!
Beautifully said!!!
I have faith in you. I believe that you are amazing as a mom, nurse and friend. When I was 30 my husband left me with 2 young daughters. I was basically where you were when my finances plummeted. First, -I got on my knees and asked for strength. I got a second job, pinched pennies and with Pell grants and other academic scholarships the girls both have master's degrees, beautiful children and good lives. After 14 yrs single I married my supervisor (20 yrs my Jr. lol) also a penny pincher! We just celebrated our 35th anniversary. My finances suffered major hits in 2008 but managed to survive and worked until 70. I have major faith in you in all aspects of your life and your personal life has made you a happier person. So proud of you! Never lose faith in YOU!
I totally relate, especially when hearing “other people” talk about maxing out their annual retirement contributions. But when I get into that negative spiral, I have a mantra: Do your best, with what you have, where you are (in life). I may not be able to max out my retirement contributions now, but every bit I can save helps. Plus there are other things I can do invest in my “retirement”: I can work hard to get/stay out of debt, take good care of physical and mental health, continue to learn how to manage my finances, and reflect on what I want my retirement to look like so I plan accordingly (Do I want to travel around the world? Foster kittens? Rebuild vintage trucks? Read every book in my local library?) You got this.
The thing is that you just graduated, so right now you are making the least amount of money that you are ever going to make in your new career. You are starting with a positive net worth, and your earnings are only going to go up from here. Come back and do an update to this post in just five years and then in 10 years and it's going to be a very different story.
I used to work in payroll, and I am a FIRE/early retiree who listens to financial podcasts. I can tell you that in the real world very few people max out their 401k's. They contribute what they can to start, and then the smart ones ramp it up over time. I didn't start maxing out my 401k until I was in my 40s (I'm 50 now), and I didn't have buckets of money left over afterwards.
Birchie makes a great point - this is the lowest salary stage in Kristen's new career (actually a great time to be contributing to a Roth IRA if you decide it makes sense).
And I'm also with you on the maxing out - there have been some years when we've been able to max out retirement savings, but more when we couldn't, and that's even when my husband and I both had decent-paying full-time jobs. Lots of things in life can interfere (including owning a home, so Kristen - your rental might be in both the pro and con column !)
No one I follow is as resilient as you are, but I just read a quote this morning that might resonate: “I know a cure for everything: salt water…in one way or the other. Sweat, or tears, or the salt sea.” - Isak Dinesen. A cry definitely helps.
You didn’t ask for advice but please know if you haven’t remarried, you can claim Social Security based on your ex-husband’s benefits. This was a real blessing for my mom who went back to work in midlife, but never earned as much as my dad had. She also has very little savings and no house (less than you will have, I’m sure), but she now lives with my family and watched my kids when they were babies and honestly it’s all worked out wonderfully. The future is unknowable!
One of my favorite authors!
I sometimes have similar feelings, though obviously our situations aren't identical, when I compare the retirement DH and I could have had (financially and otherwise) if Alzheimer's hadn't reared its ugly head with the retirement I have, alone. But I think you're taking helpful approaches, as I'm trying to: avoiding "thief-of-joy" comparisons, practicing radical acceptance, reflecting that I'm still in better shape than a lot of other folks, and doing the best I can with what I have.
Having a partner absolutely does not guarantee increased financial stability!
Maxing out a 403B is only part of being financially sound and ensuring a secure future. So many other factors! Control what you can- you are already doing these- earning a solid income from nursing and your blog, live below your means, have your spending align with your values. Just try to not get too hung up on the 403b issue. You have made so much progress in the past few years- in ALL aspects of your life!
Kristen - thanks for being vulnerable & sharing your thoughts with us. We always felt very behind too. We have been retired for 5 years now & are living on pension, IRA, & SSA incomes. By God’s grace, the mortgage was paid off before he retired. After the death of my parents 8 years ago, I received some money & we contacted a financial advisor. He has grown the small funds we both had into a considerable cushion & also our expenses are much lower than what they were in our “working life”. The power of compounding has definitely been leveraged to our advantage. Yes, this comes with a fee (😳$$$), but the returns have been worth it. You have time to catch up! We never made the full allowed 401K contribution & never did catch up contributions either. We are astounded to see where we are now & are deeply grateful for our financial guy.
You and I are in similar places. We, too, inherited some money when my husband's parents died. The money came with a financial advisor they had used for years. We met with her and decided to keep the money with her, and transfer our 401Ks to her. (We had no pension.) She has helped us make wise decisions and has grown that money to a surprising figure. We still live frugally, but feel we're in a better place now. (I have a year to go before I can collect SS). So I would say -- don't be afraid to seek out expert financial advise.
I second that. It's so important to get expert one-on-one financial advice. Financial advisors help clients all along the wealth spectrum, just like doctors help patients at all stages of health. Getting professional help is the best thing my husband and I have done. We have at least one financial checkup per year, just like a physical, to make sure we're doing the right things.
There are so many different ways to live.
I have 1000% resolved not to sweat retirement savings. Or college savings. Or any theoretical future savings or planning that may or may not even come to fruition.
Life happens and will affect whatever plans you made anyway.
We are not all guaranteed decades of golden years after age 60.
I'm not saying don't prepare for anything. Keep doing the best you can, where you are right now.
That is enough, you are enough. We all are.
There two ways to have enough: make more or spend less😎
You are working on both! Likely enough will meet in the middle.
Recently we've been pondering housing choices: a podcast we heard recently said given the market right now, not to buy unless you plan to stay at least 7-10 years. We are at 60 and not sure what future us will want for sure. Given that we have sold 2 houses in our married life at a loss, buying is not high on that list (unless things change).
Meeting financial quotas set by so-called experts is an exercise in futility (imho.) I have watched everyone in both my husband's and my family get old, retire and die. I'm positive not a single person in either of our families ever maxed out in their retirement savings, in fact, for my grandparents that wasn't even a thing. And you want to know something? Every single one of them lived what I would describe a comfortable life until the end. Having worked in a nursing home while in college, I always told people to spend their money, if you save a lot for old age, it only winds up going for medical care.
My husband and I are in our 60s and although we are both still working, I am definitely putting a lot of thought into future retirement income and expenses. Among other things, I have been listening to a lot of financial podcasts and YouTube videos. I can tell you that the very large numbers people like to bandy about regarding necessary retirement savings are at best aspirational for the great majority of people. Most people don’t have that much. Most people don’t max out their 401(k)s or 403(b)s. Estimates of how many seniors rely mostly or entirely on their Social Security in retirement range from 14% to 40%.
I am absolutely no kind of financial professional, so please do your own research and seek your own advisors. But you might want to put some thought into a Roth IRA. If you are getting a match from your employer, you should of course invest up to the match in your 403(b). Beyond that, the advice I got was to put up to the maximum into a Roth on the grounds that it was better to pay tax on the acorn than on the oak tree. Every situation is different, however, which is why you may want to consult a professional.
Regarding Social Security, I believe that if your was-band is still living and you have not remarried, when you reach the age to collect SS, you are entitled to either half his benefit or all of your own benefit, whichever is higher. If he dies first, you may be entitled to a death benefit. This does not affect his benefit in any way. Nurses can make a good income, but Social Security looks at your highest 35 years of earnings so at 48, you may have some past years that bring your average down. Again, I am no kind of professional, so please do your own research.
There are some advisors who make an argument that you can get further ahead while renting than by owning a house, depending on circumstances, so the fact that you do not currently own a house is not necessarily a liability.
tl:dr you’re probably in much better financial shape with reason for optimism for the future than you realize.
Under the current rules, this is correct. If half his social security would be higher than hers, then (if not remarried), she could collect half of his at full age (it goes down a lot if you take SS at 62 or whatever).
You mentioned dropping down to two shifts in the fall - maybe this isn’t the time to scale back quite yet? I know you’ve been sprinting a long time, but time value of money multiplies the effectiveness of these early dollars invested.
I agree with the continuous "sprinting". The beauty of compound interest is a magical force. And time is of the essence. Also, as a public school teacher I found 403b to be useless, they are not matched with high management fees. You are better off squirreling away in a nice clean Vanguard index fund.
Mine does have some matching! I think up to the first 3%? but I have not looked at the management fees. Hmm.
Match. match. match!!! that's like free money. hah. Free is a four lettered "f"word. There is always an opportunity "cost", that's what I tell my students. You will end up with fees (also 4 letters), however that will be offset by that 3%. I wouldn't go beyond the match. Then promptly open up a sweet Vanguard account, and let passive investing wash over you 😉 .....with time your angst will subside.
I’m in the UK and after much research and anxiety about investing I got a Vanguard index fund and now I leave it alone to do its job. Low fee and simple is good.
Kristen, we are the same age, almost exactly, so I totally hear you on a lot of things!
You have, realistically and reasonably, 15-22 good working years ahead of you. Possibly, at around the 15 year mark, that may turn into part time or whatever but let's not split hairs. If you contribute what you can reasonably afford in realistic way that means that you stretch a little but do not impoverish yourself meanwhile, you WILL be fine. You WILL be fine. Nursing is such a great career and I know several nurses of different specialism who are really getting on in years and who still do occasional shifts, or now work doing blood draws or part time in dr offices or whatever to supplement their pensions and also because they very much enjoy the work and want to keep their hand in a bit, without it being too onerous.
Tangentially, why are you not eligible for half of your ex's pension?
Oh, he doesn't have a pension! There were some retirement accounts that we split, but they were not exactly well padded. It's not nothing, but also not nearly "enough".
I lived in Twickenham for two years, and have fond memories of the Brits 😉 It's tough being a "saver" in the UK. You guys have a whole different tax system which is not kind to capital gains? I still have Brit friends that visit often and their greatest complaints are not related to weather. haha.
A lot of wisdom here, already expressed....
I not only never maxed out my retirement contribution, I never contributed, at least not that I remember. To think that I could do so would have been a joke. Every penny I earned went to survival. I, too, am divorced from a selfish man who made marriage miserable, and then divorce miserable.
I was lucky that I spent the bulk of my career at an institution that did contribute to a 403b, and that is my retirement fund now. I am currently taking the required RMD's, and nothing beyond that.
I did make a big mistake when I withdrew funds to make a down payment on a house. They tell you not to do that, with good reason. But I don't regret it, because becoming a home owner got me off the rent/landlord merry-go-round and gave my children a safe home in a safe neighborhood. And as I started to build equity, my net worth stabilized and then grew.
Acceptance of my circumstances has saved me, mentally. I did my best, I made sacrifices, what more could I do?
At night, when I am most prone to fears and regrets, I tell myself, ritually, "You are alive. You are safe. You have shelter. You have food. You have clothes to wear. You have the love of your family and friends. You are rich."
Another point to add: someone who knows how to stretch money has more going for them than someone with a big income, but who spends it foolishly. Celebrate your frugality. It got you this far, and will see you through.
Hi Kristen,
If you have your health you have everything. Don't worry about the rest of it.
I feel the same sometimes, and its hard I know. I have never been married/had a partner - so everything I have has been from my own saving/sacrifices. I'm at the age where some of my close friends are already retired, and travelling a lot, volunteering and just having "time" to do what they want. I have to constantly talk myself out of "comparing" my situation to others or allowing the green eyed monster to creep in. (Comparison truly IS the thief of joy!) They have partners, they were higher earners, they were in situations where they could save at a LOT younger age than me. I have been on my own since 18, sometimes working 2 jobs to make ends meet. I have a paid off mortgage and car - which is huge, and I have a retirement account that i contribute to every pay period. I am in a way better situation now than I was in my 40's. While I was not able to retire at 55 like others around me, hopefully I can by 65 if all goes well!
My 91 year old mother was a practicing alcoholic most of her life. She did always hold a job and worked until 75. She went through money, lent it to children who did not pay her back, and fail to prepare adequately. At 79 she got sober. It was the greatest gift of my life getting my mother back from behind the curtain of alcoholism. Within a year she ask me to look at her finances. We had her cancel her credit cards except one, stop lending people money and get on a budget. The first time we did this, Hubby said," Ok you can live another 3 years on what you have."
( Hubby is quite brutal sometimes.) She smiled and said, "That is great." She is now 91 and still has a small pocket of money, a little condo to live in, and children who are devoted to her.]. Intentional living and having a power greater than yourself to rely on does wonders. It is never too late.
Mary Ann,
That is an inspiring story. Give my regards to your mom and congratulate her on her many years of sobriety!
Wonderful story, thanks for sharing! I got sober at 43, found a job (I still work here), got divorced, and went back to school. I am 72 now. Own my house, have no debt except a car - which will be paid off by next year when I plan to retire - and should be able to live comfortably on IRA savings and the frugal mindset that Kristin and her community have helped me cultivate.
"Intentional living and a power greater than yourself to rely on . . . " YES!!!
Carry on, you're doing great! You are an exemplary role model in numerous areas. I never maxed out anything. Comparison truly is the thief of joy.
Oh, I'm always behind financially. Haven't added to a retirement plan (other than what the investment accrual has been) in 13 years. Own very little. Also owe very little, so that's good.
Luckily, God made me in a way that I'm not motivated by money. Unluckily, I do still need money to make it to the end of whatever time I have to live.
It'll be fine. Whatever.
So what do I do to pull myself out of feeling behind? Turn on some music and get back to doing what needs to be done. Right this instant, it's a little bit of work that is not a money-maker but builds my community.
Hi Kristen: your scenario does not include one option that could seriously jump start your financial future: becoming a nurse practitioner. I’ve long thought you are SO smart you would be an asset to the profession.
In a few years, you would be shoo-in to be accepted to a program. The income is much higher and comes with much more autonomy. I’ve never met an NP who doesn’t love her/his career.
Insurance loves advanced practice nursing and the field is wide open. As far as the cost - you no doubt would figure out the most frugal ways to finance the program.
Kathy L. and Kristen,
That's a great idea! I would love to have Kristen as my primary health care provider, esp. when I get really, really old. (I'm 71 now.) Kristen, I think you could do this and do it well. So that's one other option I bet you hadn't considered. There may be more. Keep praying about it!
Not all APRN's are paid more than RN's. I am a retired (due to medical reasons) peds NP, worked in primary care for overv30 yrs, loved what I did and always knew it wasn't going to make me financially wealthy.
I would have made more income as a hospital RN given that my NP position was salaried, pay at least partly on individual productivity (how many patients I saw per day - pts don't show up, you don't get paid for that time), department productivity and goals, etc. No overtime or weekend or shift differential. I took a pretty big pay cut when I left the hospital for my NP job years ago. I was fortunate that I did get some paid sick time, health and disability insurance, and some continuing ed funds. My employer did partially match retirement contribution. The "big"money in the nursing world is becoming a CRNA or a health system administrator - with all those headaches. And if you really don't want to be paid for your additional education, go into nursing education.
I am not complaining and have no regrets, the grass is not always greener over the septic tank.
Here is my retirement savings tip. For several years about half of my take home income went to child care. When I didn't have that expense anymore, I already knew that we had been surviving ok (I was a single mom), so repurposed most of that money to retirement and savings. I am now grateful for that, saved for a rainy day and ended up with a category 5 hurricane.
Enough of my rambling
Kristen would be a wonderful nurse educator and should apply the moment she qualifies IF she can still have the hours she likes and work at the hospital too if she likes.
The truth is she could make WAY more money in the online world with her blogging, courses, etc, but she seems content to keep her blog medium income level rather than selling to us all the time.
For me, comparison to other (fill in the blank) has always been the thief of joy. I have also come to realize that the Universe (God, Higher Power, whatever you choose to call it) has always provided me with everything I need, and it is how i choose to look at it. From the outside, it does not look like I have much: I'm widowed with no kids or family, extremely poor health, living on Social Security. Internally, I live in a space of great abundance. Reminding myself of all this helps when fear of not enough starts yelling.
“Internally, I live in a state of great abundance.” I love that with every cell of my being
You will be surprised how kicking it into high gear after 50 can get you a good chunk of ka-ching for retirement. Sure, saving over 50 years is recommended approach but certainly not always a reality. I was shocked that I could accumulate so much over a period of 10 years once the barriers were behind me. Appreciate your honesty as always.
Thank you, that's encouraging to hear!
I don't have time to read through all the comments... so I'm not sure if it's been mentioned but where as you are are self-employed have you ever looked into a SEP IRA? I'm not sure how it works if you have other employment also but it generally allows you to contribute more (so if you can't max other account now you might have more leeway to catch up later). Just a thought.
Regardless, you are doing great!
I think probably what I need to look into is a solo 401K; since my blog is an s-corp, I could set one of those up. But I have not made the time to learn about it!
My husband is self employed so I have done a lot of retirement account research. We have done a SEP in prior years and it is extremely easy. We had to switch last year to a Solo 401k (mostly because the limit is higher and we’re trying to keep ACA subsidies by increasing retirement contributions). All that to say, the SEP is much easier and more intuitive to figure out. If you don’t have a reason to choose solo 401k instead, I’d recommend a SEP instead.
Thank you for being so vulnerable. Long time reader and first time commenter here - I love all your frugal tips and positive commentary, and it is helpful to know that even you spiral sometimes too. I have been fortunate to be able to max out my 401K for a few years now, but with a recent health diagnosis that may ultimately shorten my life, it’s thrown a wrench in my retirement planning since I don’t know how long I’ll be able to work. It’s helpful to remember that everyone is going through something. One day at a time.
I am sorry that you are going through this, Emma. I am not sure if I should buy new underwear as I may not live long enough to get my money's worth out of them. 🙂
Maybe not quite that desperate for the most part.
This is probably not THE healthiest of financial coping mechanisms, but listening to Financial Audit on YouTube makes you feel SO MUCH BETTER about your own life. Also for me it does motivate me to do the frugal thing I don’t want to do. It is like the finance version of old daytime talk shows like Jerry Springer or Maury Pauvich.
Sending you a great big ((( h u g ))). Even if you are feeling low, you are on your right path. This might be a learning moment to share with your girls. I thank my dad every day for showing me how to side hustle and save for my future first and live way below my means. Just as you have shown us with your blog and you created this community that is warm, inviting and supportive.
I just had this convo with my favorite cousin. He was not taught to save, invest or plan. He is just starting to at age 55. He and his wife make a good wages, so we are tracking all expenses for this quarter and then make a solid plan.
Don’t you get a part of the pension your ex husband had? It’s quite a normal part of a divorce settlement . A good way to live cheaper in retirement is too live outside of a high cost country like the US.
I don’t know where to begin. I’m 77 so I’m at the other end and wish I had been in your shoes at 48. Time is truly on your side! Then there is the fact that you will soon be an empty nester. You’ve done a great job as a parent and will find living costs will be less. It just is when you are alone. Next I have had experiences that are different than yours but I know that the future is full of gifts and blessings. We only have to be open to receive. Trust and Obey 💕
What a coincidence, I am reading this on my birthday today. And financially I am also feeling so much behind. And I'm about the same age as you. After university i was forced to move abroad as I couldn't find a job to pay for my living in my home country. Where I ended up working there were no pensions / pension funds for foreigners available. I saved some money on my own, but it was not much. And I probably stayed abroad longer than I should...when I moved back to Europe - to my husband's home country- I was first unemployed again, because I didn't speak the language. Now I'm making quite good money, but feel I have to save for the future. However. I don't want to give up on travels, culture and so on. Because who knows if my health will be good enough for travelling when I finally retire. But as you wrote: I know how to pinch a penny and this will help.
I used to make an unfunny joke that I would be working until lunch on the day of my funeral. Then the post office job kind of fell into my lap and now I'm looking at NINE MONTHS AND ONE WEEK until I actually retire. Once I went full time permanent with USPS I chose to put the maximum possible amount into TSP and retirement (and I've left those funds completely alone). I've been able to use my income to improve/renovate my house so once I retire I'll be able to age in place (possibly with a part time job as I get bored very easily). When I have a bad day at work I take a look at the improvements to my house and the other retirement accounts (Plynk for one) and I see a future where I'm enjoying myself not working my fingers to the bone.
Kristen, thanks for being honest and vulnerable. One more thing- you have family and friends that love and support you. The commentariat is part of that group. Keep on, you are doing great!
I truly believe we create our lives, consciously or unconsciously, exactly the way it is supposed to be. I'm 34 years older than you so it's easier for me to look back and assess what I chose and how it worked out for me: a little college, marriage, 4 children, divorced, 2nd marriage, now retired. Despite the many bumps in the road of Life, the pain, the joy, I would do it all again, even if I knew how everything would happen and how it turned out, right up to this moment.
Because of the way you live your life and the decisions you've made so far, I would say you have had an incredible first half of your life. I believe you will create the next half to be just as incredible.
Thanks for sharing this vulnerable post! I really appreciate you. Also, I just want to say that I read the title of the post in the Princess Bride voice, and it improved my mood.
Also, high-control, patriarchal religion can go f### off. Sorry you were a casualty and happy you got out.
I don't have what my daughter calls "Boomer money." I have single mom, credit card, and school loan debt money (i.e. no money). My health has taken some hits in recent years, but I'm doing well and have been able to heal from each hit, something for which I'm very grateful. I have a job I really like and am good at, and I've put some away for retirement (which will happen in about 7 years), but I know it'll be a challenge. Sometimes it seems like right about the time I start to even the line, the line shifts, and the car needs a repair, or there's a plumbing leak, or the washer goes out. I take it one day at a time and try to remember of what good is happening in my life. But yeah, there's no money to invest in my future. It's taking all I have to live now.
I am now financially comfortable but have accepted that I will always have money issues and worry that I don't have enough. I grew up poor and got myself into debt as a young adult, but fortunately hit my rock bottom "I gotta make a change!" epiphany early on and was able to turn it around before I really got myself in trouble.
But I will always, always, always worry that I won't have enough and struggle to actually spend money.
You are a rock star, and have accomplished SO much in such a short amount of time. Few people are able to fully fund their 403b or 401k each year, and those that do are 2 income households and probably even then not fully funding both of them.
Also, something else to think about - what you put in that 403b you will not be able to access until you leave your job, and then withdrawals will be taxed as income at a higher rate than capital gains in a non-retirement account. (I have a 403b and have hit that problem in retirement - I can't take the tax hit to get my money out without messing up our marketplace health insurance subsidies, so it's going to sit there until the kids are out of the house and have their own health insurance.)
In your situation with wanting to buy a house later on, I would recommend setting a percentage of your income to go to the 403b that you are comfortable with (10-20%, whatever you're thinking) and also saving in a non-retirement account that you can access anytime you need it. More pots to pull from down the road makes retirement finances more manageable.
As your income goes up increase the amount going to the 403b. If you don't need the income from a raise to live on, bank that extra to help catch up the 403b to where YOU think you should be right now, not what a hypothetical finance dude says.
You got this!!!!
Thanks for this, I feel with you in so many ways....we will be ok! ❤️
I read this and see all the things you have to be so grateful for!! You did an incredibly hard and courageous thing to do, but you are not alone, I did the same and we deserve so much respect for it!!
To your prompt- I love this story from Kurt Vonnegut and I think it perfectly reflects the way that you live!
True story, Word of Honor:
Joseph Heller, an important and funny writer
now dead,
and I were at a party given by a billionaire
on Shelter Island.
I said, “Joe, how does it make you feel
to know that our host only yesterday
may have made more money
than your novel ‘Catch-22’
has earned in its entire history?”
And Joe said, “I’ve got something he can never have.”
And I said, “What on earth could that be, Joe?”
And Joe said, “The knowledge that I’ve got enough.”
I’m so sorry you feel this way. It has to be a frustrating place to be. For what it’s worth, though as an outsider looking in – – I don’t see someone who is behind, I see someone who has picked herself up and has made a success of herself despite less than ideal circumstances. I’ve been following for several years and have zero doubt that you will wind up in a good place. You are making great decisions so just continue to stay the course.
I pay and adultier adult to help me with my retirement finances because otherwise, I would have jars of dollars under my mattress and be hoping for the best 😬😬, so the fact that you can do those calculations on your own is pretty epic, actually. 😊😊
Thank you. I feel behind in life since my husband died and I feel alone. I'm struggling.
I'm so sorry for this hard place you find yourself in ♥
So sorry Sandra...we are all with you. Almost all of us have been there at one time or another. One day at a time. Due to major medical bills my 401k ran out 6 years into retirement but DH and I cut out all we could and live very frugally. We are still very happy together and are thankful for all we have. Blessings for you and "keep on keeping on". 😃
Thank you for taking the time to talk us out of ways to climb out of the all too frequent pits of despair -- gratitude is an absolute solid ladder -- Over the years, when finances were --are-- scary -- I tell myself I have what the Lord knows what need, for today. Thank you God for my daily bread-- and then I review a sobering gratitude list. Women my age--'round this crazy old world are experiencing "loss" or behind-ness I can't fathom. PS I heard the rate on home mortgages is 7% . . . Deep breaths are so important -- so is looking around and sharing what you can when you can-- and you sure do that!
sorry you have the blues. i hope you don't wallow too long. it is not a good feeling to compare yourself to others. you are not a keep up with the jone's kinda gal. take a hike, take some pic's, feel the love from all of us. take a quick trip to see lisey. and grab chiquita for a hug and pretend it is from me.
If I feel financially behind:
- I remind myself of everything I have accomplished
- that I feel fairly save for the future, even if it may not be glam
- that I still live in a state where I have rights as a woman (so much more quality of life and (financial!)freedom!)
- that I don`t live in a war zone which destroys any possessions you had in a whim
- that I live in a first world country, with good infrastructure and hygiene.
I stop here, but there is so much more. Overall, I think I am flexible enough to adjust my lifestyle to feel comfortable without sacrificing daily joy.
Please read 2 books by Morgan Housel
*The Psychology of Money
*The Art of Spending Money
(Must read in that order!)
Very useful and a superb storyteller that makes reading it enjoyable (not dry and difficult to slog through)
Comparisons are the thief of joy.
I have absolute faith in your ability to grow old in financial security. You know how not to spend and you know how to earn more money. You raised your kids well and they turned out well (two very different things, as we know) so you won't need to support them in your age or even for school. You get to enjoy their company instead.
Also, 401(k) maxima are extremely generous. One of the reasons most people don't hit them is that they're huge. It's $24,500 this year plus $8000 more if you're over 50, plus another $3-4000 if you're over 60. That's lot of spare money to be earning.
So the important question, in my mind, is not how much do you have saved in absolute terms but how much compared to what you need.
I bet you'll have that covered.
You. Are. Okay. Really!
Totally normal to feel blue sometimes. Just the fact that you're contributing to a 401(k) is something -- I have NEVER completely maxxed ours out. And we lived on less than $20,000 for years, in one of the wealthiest counties in the U.S.!
We're living in the poorest county in Colorado now, ironically. Yet our house, on 10 acres of forest, is more than adequate -- and paid off. Our car is paid off. We have extra $$ after paying bills nearly every month. And we have an emergency fund -- not a huge one, but more than adequate. Do NOT believe the financial 'experts' who insist you need a million dollars to retire. I am sick and tired of hearing this blatting. YOU DO NOT...we're living evidence to this.
You are doing ok. You will be ok. And you are being a wonderful role model to your children. Keep going, and hang in there. We love seeing your journey.
I was single in my early forties with debt and only modest retirement savings. I found comfort in having a debt elimination plan and running retirement scenarios. I paid off all my debt, established a good emergency fund, and opened a Roth. Managing all of this helped to prepare me to have the necessary financial conversations when I did meet someone in the middle of this journey. The fact that you're being proactive about your situation is the most important factor. It's definitely not too late for you to accumulate a respectable nest egg!
Hi Kristen,
Sorry you spiraled, but not surprised! It happens to all of us at some point for a number of reasons. However, your spiral is unique to you and your circumstances and needs to be “honored” as such! I was divorced in my early 30’s and had two younger children (6 & 10). It was both a relief and very scary to be divorced and responsible to these two. I worried constantly about money. Fortunately, I’d grown up in an educated, but due to the profession, low income home. My mom worked when other moms did not!
Taking the long view, I knew completing another graduate degree and setting myself up for a profession in higher education would provide the financial security my family needed. For a couple of years, though, it was a challenge! I completed my doctorate with minimal debt, which I paid off early. I had a couple of “rules.” If it could wait, we waited. For example, delaying music lessons couldn’t be “made up” later, so I budgeted for music lessons. Wearing all of the latest fashion could wait. We were warm, covered, and didn’t look shabby. Fortunately, I could sew and often made things we needed. I always took care of needs, but not necessarily wants.
My parents did not manage money well and actually provided a non-example. I didn’t want to end up like my widowed mother!
Twelve years after my divorce, I remarried … we’re still together! Even though daily finances were much better, there were out-of-our-control concerns and I knew I would have to make sure I was okay no matter what.
I made career decisions with an eye towards financial benefits. I considered non-taxable benefits vs. taxable income. I worked longer and retired at 69 (something very doable in my field), delayed SS until 70, and continued to work very part-time until 76. Everything has paid off and I don’t have financial concerns. My advice is simply to do what you can when you can. Always include finances and/or financial planning in decision-making, and then make the best of what you have! You’re already on the right path. You’ve made excellent decisions so far. Include your history of making good decisions in your list of capabilities. You’ve got this, Kristen!
Comparisons, whether to ourselves and others, generally don't bode well for our overall sense of well-being.
I read your list of things you are greatful for and it is a big list. You know that you are in so much better condition, financially and otherwise, than so many women who divorce or wish they could divorce.
I have no idea where you expect/expected to be, but life is about WHERE WE ARE NOW...and our choices moving forward. No, you may never have the retirement you think you have. FYI: That is a luxury no matter your income now and down the road given how the cost of everything is escalating.
You know well that you have so much more than so many other women in your prior situation. Yes, divorce is costly on many levels and financially women rarely get what they deserve because so many fill so many roles that would cost a fortune if a husband had to hire someone to do them. You know the list.
Years ago the wife of a big-shot top exec managed an incredible win in her divorce settlement. She had never "officially" worked, however she was the one who engineered her husband's many social gatherings , his home, his lifestyle, friendships with the wives of his fellow execs and more...things that her lawyer proved enabled him to get the top job (He would never even have been considered had he been single! Or even divorced given the company's core businesses.)
SO she got the equivalent of something life 40 years salary for the multiple "jobs" she actually performed.
The majority of women in all socio-economic levels, unless they, themselves are rich, get royally screwed out of money they should be paid for what they brought to the marriage and contributed. (There's a reason many men get married with no interest in being a good spouse or partner. It's called wanting to pay nothing for someone to take care of them.
Your situation is so much better than so many others and it is clear that you are grateful. Keep focusing on what you have, not what you don't have. Seriously. Why compare where you THINK you should have been and be in the now.
You know you have mad skills, experience and a degree and all of that will give you a very decent wage and the ability to save.
That is unlike so many of us who worked hard, but never even had options for 401Ks, etc. No pensions. No bonuses. Nothing.'
Being our sole support is tough and challenging and hell, yeah, scary, as we see what things cost.
But you have a life that many would easily trade for their circumstances.
You appreciate your life and that is important in the now. Who knows what lies ahead? I wouldn't worry if you have a plan. You do what you can and we all pray for the strength to deal with changes dealt to us.
I can name three women right now who would trade places with you in a heartbeat.
It's not worth your energy to worry about where you thought you should be. Time for Plan B for retirement. Adjust where you can but do not beat yourself up about where you are not.
Well said. Thank you.
I think we all feel like this sometimes. I started reading your blog in 2009. I was $50k in debt, had no savings, felt stuck renting forever in a HCOL city, was single, and man, did I ever feel behind in life! I suddenly realized that if I wanted to do things like have a family, then I probably needed to make that happen in the next decade. I started reading a lot about finances, put myself on a budget, paid off debt, and built up my savings. I started reading lots of personal finance blogs - many of them taught me how to pay off debt or what to do with my money, but yours was the one that showed me how to live contentedly with what I have. And I’m still reading 17 years later! I’ve learned a lot from you over the years, even if we’re strangers in real life.
I think you have done an amazing job and are far ahead of where most people are. You ended up in a bad relationship because of a decision that you made when you were a teenager. (You were a baby really - think of your own daughters!) Then after years of trying to make it work, you realized you realized you needed to save yourself. And you did! You made this wonderful life you’re building now happen. And the skills that you’ve built and taught to others along the way are going to keep helping you - habits of gratitude, simplicity, self-reliance, and resiliency. They’re far more valuable than money in a 401k.
I often think it’s helpful to think of the many versions of myself I’ve been. I feel so much compassion for the confused girl I was, and so much gratitude for the woman I became who said “hey, the way this is going isn’t working for me” and then changed paths. I feel pride in the woman I am now, and I know someday I’ll look back on current me with gratitude too. Someday you’re going to look back on the you who you are today so gratefully for making a wonderful life happen. None of us are behind - we’re all just walking our paths.
You are really speaking to me here—and all the fellow commenters are giving me some much-needed perspective that I am not alone, earnings are not linear, and this too shall pass. My spouse was laid off earlier this year…from a job we relocated for. I started freelancing when we moved (while having a third child and spending much more time raising my children than I had previously), so now I am facing the motherhood penalty as I seek to re-enter full-time work. Many days, I feel regret upon regret upon regret, with a large helping of paralyzing fear on the side.
A friend recently told me, referring to her son family’s lay-off situation a few years ago, that it’s something that seems like it will drag on forever when you’re in the midst of it, but it will feel like a blip in the grand scheme of my life. That was helpful.
i am so sorry for your current situation. hope you give yourself some grace, hope things improve soon and i am sending you hugs and prayers,
I also find comfort that I can be happy with minimal resources and can stretch a dollar. AGE 55
Stay the course…
I'd say behind according to who? I don't think people are doing the traditional retirement thing anymore. Lots of people work part time or have side hustles etc. There really isn't a timeline like their used to be. Make sure to enjoy life along the way as none of us are guaranteed to even get to traditional retirement age. Also there is no "luck" in the lucky things you listed. You created them. And you will create more "luck" if that's what you want to call your hard work and focus. I call it hard work and focus personally. You have also probably now learned the mistake in relying on another person. This is a huge lesson and you now know it with hopefully LOTS of life left. So carry on. You're not behind, you're right on schedule.
The tax-deferred savings account provider (TIAA, Thrivent, etc.) through your employer almost certainly comes with a financial advisor who you can meet with at least once a year! My experience is that they can look at your whole financial picture, including any small accounts you have, and advise you about rolling it all into one place and/or setting a strategy for investment growth. My employer’s tax deferred option is through TIAA and in addition to the 403b savings, I have gone through them for additional saving/investing vehicles. You might have different advisor options than me but my experience is that the advisor with my employer provided plan was well informed about my kind of income, accustomed to nonlinear financial situations, and excited to help!
Ooh I will check into that!
Awww. Everyone has these moments, what ifs, maybe if, if only... but you have shown a lot of moxie and pulled yourself out of a dead end. It takes guts to go back to school and you were very smart to leverage scholarships and opportunities. You get credit for all that climbing, and you may have many happy surprises ahead of you. There is no race to compare your finances, even if the conventional paths to wealth seem remote. I have worked all my life in poorly paid service jobs, but I like to think I did some good in the world. Knowing how to stretch a dollar is helpful, as is an attitude to remind myself what I do have, not what I am missing. I carry a brightly colored wallet for my cash, as a reminder to celebrate what I have and not fall victim to pie in the sky credit card purchases (been there, did that, don't recommend it). You may be surprised how well you can do if you continue your frugal ways. It takes a couple of years out of school for most people to come to a new balance, including getting enough sleep!
I went through a long sad time feeling completely out of step with my youthful hopes and my peers. I was single, poor, working gritty jobs, and they were spending inheritances, getting married and having babies and buying houses. In a surprising short time, they were getting divorced, losing the houses, struggling to make ends meet, and full of self pity. Now I find the view from the "slow lane" to be very beautiful.
Sorry, my friend. You have accomplished so much and now you have a good salary.
One way I make myself feel better is knowing that savings (Roth/IRA/index funds) usually doubles every 8 years. So whatever you have in there now will accrue and then be @ double by the time you are 56. And soon you will be done with school and your kids will be self-sufficient. You live frugally and I think you will be surprised at how much you have when you turn 60!
Well don't beat yourself up. This is from a woman who at age 21, was told by a banker I was too young to worry about retirement. I was not - already saw how both sets of grandparents struggled to live on SS and small pensions. Small pensions as both grandfathers assumed since they were older, their wives would out live them. They did not.
Contribute the percentage your employer matches. Familiarize yourself with catch up contributions once you turn 50. Of most importance is your options in which to invest in your 403b. You may be better served by getting your match, taking advantage of some percentage of catch up contributions AND investing on your own. Much I dislike Schwab for taking advantage of "farm" tax breaks for what is really hunting grounds, it is a cheap way to have a brokerage account. Plenty of ETFs to invest in, stocks are pricey IMHO (I'm a Buffet buy and hold disciple and it has paid off). You can dollar average into ETFs/mutual funds. Janus and American funds are also options. Each time I left an employer, I rolled my previous 401k either into the current employer or a self-directed IRA.
Of more importance is the potential of collecting social security off our exes account. Odds (based on what little I know mind you) are collecting half of his might be more than yours. There is/are situation(s) where you could collect 100% of his. All premised on you not remarrying but hey, you could be like my magat by marriage aunt and divorce husband #3, collect on husband #2 then remarry husband #3.
I'm a fan of Suze Orman, not so much of Ramsey. But again IMHO, tax brackets will not be less when you are required to take RMDs. I don't know if you have a Roth 403b option or not. I've been in a Roth 401k since I started at my current employer 10+ years ago. Their match is taxable however.
My worry is my kiddos getting socked with even more taxes than I'd pay if I die sooner than later. While I applaud not letting Mitt Romney types passing large sums through generations without paying taxes, I wish they'd exempt X $ per parent if rolled into an IRA. For a some people, maybe a lot of people, this might be the only retirement besides SS they have.
First and foremost is an emergency fund for yourself. Don't know if you paid cash or not for your car. If you did, park $300-$400 a month into future car account. If you are making payments, keep making them to yourself once the vehicle is paid off.
Do you have a cash benefit retirement plan?
And as a note, it wasn't until circa 1973 women could open a bank account without their husband signing (probably dad if single woman). UGH. We truly have come a long way baby and I have no plans on going back.
And FWIW, I did max out my 401k (not catch-up) back in the day. Since 2001, I've not done so. Being able to manage what you have is more important IMHO. When my folks were doing their retirement budget it did not include my mom's SS - it was hers to spend as she saw fit.
As always, I find your perspective so helpful. Especially the radical acceptance, but also seeing and appreciating wat you do have.
I am 60, and I live in a rented house. I raised my son on my own, and I worked parttime. I have never financially been in a place where I could afford to buy a house. It is so easy to look at colleagues and friends and feel envious.
However, I live in a nice appartment in a wonderful community, I have friends, I'm healthy, I can afford nice things. It is so important to keep seeing that. Thank you for reminding me.
And also for allowing the sadness to be there too
I know very little (OK, barely anything lol) about finances in America, but I *do* know what it's like to not have much money and how yucky that can feel.
This is what I did to help myself feel even slightly better (and I can only go by what happens in the UK)
First, open another, separate, bank account and every week/fortnight/month (however often you're paid and pay your bills) every last penny in your account that you haven't spent goes into that separate account. This is *only* used for big/annual bills like council tax and car insurance and things like that... if it's not a big/annual bill, you do not touch that money.
Second, and this was the hardest thing for me, you sit down at your computer with a years worth of bank statements and you write down *everything* that has left your account in the last week, month, quarter and year. That 50p bar of chocolate that you forgot about is just as important as your car insurance/rent/mortgage. EVERY PENNY gets written down.
You've now got a list of all of your incomings and outgoings. This is where you start noticing where you can save the odd pound here and there and those odd bits of change all go into your big bills account.
Third, go online and see if you can save any money *at all* on the things that are necessary... could you save £50 by paying a bill annually instead of monthly? Could you save £5 on your weekly groceries by buying own brand instead of premium? Could you only have one take-away coffee a week instead of every day? This is where you truly get to shine... you're already doing this anyway so you can feel smug that you're already ahead of the game with this.
Fourth, allow yourself a *small* amount each month for treats and rewards. It needs to be a small amount, but it's vital for your ongoing future savings motivation.
Now that you've got it all written down in front of you, you can see where you can realistically make savings but still feel positive and motivated to keep looking into your future.
Come up with a document on your computer that's titled "weekly/monthly bills" depending on if you pay most of your bills weekly or monthly.
Transfer every item you've written down on your lists into this document and keep it as simple as possible so that you can tell from a quick glance exactly where every penny goes. My list goes something like this:
Monthly Bills:
House insurance - £x.xx
Groceries - £x per week is £xx per month
Mortgage/rent - £x.xx
Car insurance - £x.xx
Savings - £x.xx
Monthly treat allowance - £x.xx
etc etc.
I then put a divider and do the same for my annual bills.
This is where you make yourself a solumn promise not to go over your budget for any of those things unless there is a nationwide price rise for things like insurances etc. When that happens, you repeat the steps to find your new totals.
You now have an accurate list of all your incomings and outgoings and you DO NOT go over any of them. Every penny you save after paying your bills goes into the bank account to use for your annual bills and when you've paid your annual bills, every penny goes into your retirement fund and you forget about it.
I started doing this 4 years ago and my allowed grocery spend has exactly doubled in that time, as has my treat allowance, and I've still got money left over to go into my big bills account each month as well as being able to add a bit to each of my nephews' savings accounts each month too. My retirement will be far from comfortable, but I've got enough in there to just about scrape by on each month.
It's the first few months that'll be the hardest after you've made your lists, but it's a routine that I can't do without now.
Dear Kristen:
Don't be too hard on yourself! You are doing the best that you can, considering what you've been through. Just continue to take good care of yourself & make wise decisions.
Warm regards,
Rosemarie
I'm sorry I didn't see this yesterday and I hope you go back and read comments.
You are leap years ahead of others in many ways. You have a career that pays a good salary, you already know how to live on the cheap and you do have a retirement plan you can contribute to. Your nursing knowledge also allows you to be a telephone resource or work from home when floor nursing is no longer easy (my sister was a nurse for 40+ years and I know floor nursing can be tough on your body.)
I got divorced twice. Both times it was not easy to start over, but I did it. I have now been married 30+ years, but I have my own retirement, 403b ( I was a state employee for 30 years), I also retired from the Army Reserve and I'm frugal, too. I started my state employee career at 38, but was able save a boatload of $$ because I was aggressive in investing and always put half of any raise I got into my retirement account. Very few people have what financial planners say we should have saved. I think their numbers are off anyway.
As for housing, temember, it's not always a good idea to own a home. Sometimes you are better off renting. AND, if you decide to buy, as someone who hasn't owned a home in a few years, you are eligible for all kinds of programs for new buyers. Realtors and bankers know all about these programs. And you could always get a roommate to help with expenses.
You will be fine. Just keep marching along, looking forward and count your blessings.
I do always read comments! They show up on my blog dashboard even if they're on very old posts. 🙂
Thank you for the encouragement!
I just want to say that I believe it’s healthy to have a moment of angst every now and then. I hope I can speak for your commentariat when I say it is so admiral how far you’ve come and all that you have accomplished. In the words of Annie “the sun’ll cone out tomorrow!”
I know a lot of where you are coming from. My ex was disrespectful. We weren't married just yet. I was pregnant. Tried to work through the issues we were having. But, he wasn't changing for the better, so I left. I've raised my now teen most of her life as a single parent. (With help from my family and friends.) I've had a great job for the past almost 6 years. It will take time for your retirement to grow. Mine is also not where it should be based on the calculators. But, definitely much better than if I didn't have anything invested.
I was hoping to knock out my debt, increase my retirement and maybe travel a bit. (Even if it's statewide.) I never had the money raising a child by myself. We'd go to local attractions and such.
Now I'm getting ready to have a grandbaby born in the next 2ish months. It's coming fast. She's a Junior in highschool and they have never had to take care of themselves. Neither works. Working on getting her graduated and knowing the basics of running a household. I have a decent HSA(they give us bonuses)and health insurance through my work. Hopefully, all goes well. Unfortunately, we know how babies are unpredictable. I was low income when I had her. (My job closed when a huge company closed in my area. It was hard finding work. I couldn't step back into a physical factory job after I found out I was pregnant.) My debt snowball and eventual traveling may have been slowed down depending on how the next year or so is. They want her to stay home and him go to work. I tried explaining that that is very very hard these days, as you know.
Kristen, for decades I wasted huge amounts of emotional energy beating myself up because I did not max out retirement saving. (I did it only once, two years before I retired.) Many years ago, I hired a financial planner to "help out" and she told my husband and me that we needed to put an unattainable amount of money aside each month, that we would never retire together (there's 12 years between us in age) and that we could not send our kids to private school when public school stopped working for one kid. I fired her. Another expert, my sister-in-law, was perpetually sad for us because we did not have $1.5 million set aside for our retirement years. Well, we still don't have $1.5 million, our kids went to private high school, and we are enjoying retirement together debt free.
Please remember that the retirement planning industrial complex is based on computations which are based on lots of assumptions and not on the lives of real human beings. The computations are also self-serving for that industry, which is not our friend. Many things can and will change before you retire. You have done all the right financial things for decades and you will reap the rewards. Please don't give yourself worry lines like I did. Don't beat yourself up.
Thank you! That's encouraging to hear.
You don’t have to max things out every year - even the steps you are taking are so meaningful. You have raised wonderful, independent kids who will hopefully be around to support you if you need it in your older years. You are kicking butt and raising awareness about an important issue.
I am late in leaving this comment, so I hope you get the chance to see it. We weren't quite as old as you were when we started the careers we retired from, but my husband was 43 and I was 35 when we started. He opened his 403B with $20 and I did with $10. We ended up saving what to me is quite a lot of money, but not the amount all the "experts" say you need for retirement. What I have found to be more important than what you have saved is to not have any debt. My husband retired five years before I did, so we had adjusted to the change in his income. I made more money than he did and I knew our income would sink like a stone when I retired. But we focused on the lifestyle we wanted rather than a specific amount of income each month. We found we are living the life we want very comfortably on our income (Social Security and my husband's small pension). Some months we spend less than our income and some more, but it averages out. But most importantly we have no debt. We have friends who still have mortgages, car payments, credit card debt, etc., and they worry about money constantly. We do not. Save as much as you can, of course, but concentrate on having no debt and I believe you will be just fine.
I just want to say that your disclosure has inspired me. I'm 43. I'm on disability and looking for work that suits me better than fast paced customer service. I have one 401k from 2023 with a small amount in it. Going back to school, for me, has actually been expensive and taken trial and error. I have the same financial goals as you though, and it helps me to know I'm not alone. I believe I will work again, but in a position more fitting for me, and save for my own independence and retirement.
Kristin, love reading your blog, thanks for sharing!
The world wants us to focus on acquiring things, more acquisitions = more value, but I think what matters more is becoming a person you like and are proud of. I think you can be proud of what you’ve become- you’re kind, hardworking, try not to judge and criticize, you’re resourceful and you have grit and determination. Amazing! And I don’t think you buy into the more acquisitions = more value mindset but I do think you see money as security (that’s what I see money as). If I were to recommend anything it would be: get a disability insurance policy! So much peace and security from that when you’re on your own. Saving for retirement is great too, but this gave me a huge sense of relief!
When I was in my mid-30s, I became a single mom to three with an okay job and debt. Then I met a man who had two kids, an okay job, and debt who was also divorced. After our youngest son died, we decided there was more to life than living in a broken down rental working two dead end jobs. In out early 40's we bought a mobile home and put it on land in the country and generated lots more debt. My husband went back to school to train as a medic and later a paramedic. And I quit my job and came home to be a stay at home mom.
We weren't foolish with our money by any means. We'd both always been frugal but we were both at an age where most of our friends and family had already purchased a home and were thinking college for their kids and we essentially were starting over from (less than) nothing.
We spent the next ten years focusing hard on getting OUT of debt. And we did. We paid off one debt after the other and we didn't generate more. Even when we needed both a new roof and a new AC/heat pump within a month of each other. Even when the car stopped running and we had to buy another.
In a single year's time my aunt, grandmother, uncle and then father passed away. My inheritance was small, but it was exactly enough to pay off our home and that's what we did.
But in all that time, we had nothing, absolutely nothing to contribute to our retirement fund. We decided that we would just have to continue to be mindful of our funds and pray.
In 2020 we retired. The day we signed off on the 401K that the county had paid into each month, the market crashed and we lost half our money. On the advice of the investment counselor, we left the money in the fund and determined we would live off social security.
The money grew to it's original balance but we seldom touched any of it. We left it invested and we continued to live off Social Security. I am very aware that won't be an option for many younger Americans, including yourself, but my point is this: We retired without having the supposed $1M we were told we'd need. And yet we have managed just fine. So will you. It's the decisions you're making NOW that will see you through the end of life. And I'll just bet that includes a home of your own!
I think you’ll be fine with your savings and social security. I also think a handsome prince may come along too so that would change things. No worries you’ll be fine.
I was in a similar boat 20 years ago, trying to max my 403b on just $43K a year. But doing some tax math made it easier for me to contribute as much as possible. Because 403b contributions lower your taxable income, putting money away doesn't hurt your paycheck as much as it seems. If you are in the 22% tax bracket, contributing the full amount of $24,500 only reduces your actual take-home pay by about $19,110 for the year, because you save over $5,300 in federal income taxes. So you can estimate how much take home pay you need then put the remainder toward your 403b.
All this to say, you can contribute more than you may initially think when you do the tax math!