I sometimes feel so behind

(Usually, I write about this kind of thing on my Patreon, but this one is money-related, so I'm gonna keep it here. I'm being a little vulnerable because I hope it will help someone else.)

I'm starting this draft on a day when I looked at my hospital 403b plan (basically a non-profit version of a 401k).

And I am sorry to say, dear reader, that I spiralled a bit.

Maybe it was the clouds outside, maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it was hormones...I don't know exactly why, but I fell into a small pit of discouragement.

I played with the calculator to see what I'd need to do in order to max out my 403b, and I realised I'd have to contribute 45% of my pay for the rest of the year to make that happen.

!!!!

And then I started to think about the people who call into financial podcasts and say things like, "I already maxed out my 401k and my Roth, and now I'm wondering what to do with the rest of the money I want to invest," and I felt just utterly behind.

I don't own a house right now, this is the first time in my life I have ever had a 401k, and I've never maxed out a contribution for even a Roth, let alone a 401k. I've never even had a full-time paying job until this past year.

And I am doing all of this all by myself*.

(*which is better than doing it with the person I used to have, but is not as good as doing it with a helpful partner.)

I felt discouraged, sad, and angry that this is where I'm at. In no way do I regret my decision to divorce; it was one million percent the right decision, and I would make the same choice over and over and over if I were given the chance to re-decide.

But it just sucks that it was necessary. It sucks that I wasn't in a healthy marriage. It sucks that I had to, in many ways, blow up my life.

I don't wish for what I had; I just wish that I had had something better. Some people DO have a marriage that is healthy and happy, and they don't have to start over in the middle of their lives. That must be so nice.

Climbing out of the pit

I have a lot of experience by now when it comes to dealing with little pits of despair. I know they never last forever, and I do know how to climb out.

First, it is often necessary to cry. And then I move on to reminding myself of true things, each one a rung on the ladder that gets me out of the pit.

Let's take a trip through the rungs:

I am lucky, so lucky that I was able to leave

Some women are stuck, especially financially, and they cannot leave. I got out! I did it! I left a situation that was terrible for me, and I am so grateful for that.

I am very, very fortunate that I have an income at all

So many stay-at-home, homeschooling moms have no way of earning money when they get divorced. I am so fortunate to have my blog and now my nursing income.

I am so lucky to have a degree and no school debt

Many women in my shoes got married without a degree (like me!), and the process of getting one in middle age is pretty overwhelming. But I did it!

I got my RN, and in a year, I will have my BSN, all with no debt. That's a huge gift.

I am debt-free overall

I did not walk away from my marriage with piles of money, but at least I did not have any debt to carry with me. And I have accrued none since then either.

I am not dead yet. I still have time

I'm 48, which means I am no spring chicken as a worker. However, I hopefully still have quite a few years of earning in front of me. I have some time to catch up.

I don't think I will ever be terribly wealthy, but I think I can get myself to a reasonably stable financial place.

I am very good at living on a tiny budget

My retirement savings are not going to reach the recommended levels; I'm quite sure of that. But on the other hand, I am very good at stretching a dollar, so it is reasonable to assume that I can live a decent life on a smaller-than-recommended retirement income.

I am really capable

I don't know what the future holds, but I can look back at the life I've already lived and notice that I am capable. I can figure things out. I can manage things.

So, it is reasonable to assume that even though I am behind in a lot of ways, I will figure out how to navigate whatever will come down the pike.

I can employ some radical acceptance

This is not how I hoped my life would go, and while it is healthy to grieve that, it is also healthy to practice some radical acceptance.

Fair or not, like it or not, this IS how my life has gone. According to reality, this is where I am, and I cannot change anything that has already happened.

I have everything I need

I have a place to live, I have a good car (my dream car!), I have enough to eat, I have clothes to wear, and this is everything I need and more.

And...I am rich in other ways. I have a healthy body. I have autonomy, agency, freedom, and choices, and those things are worth more than any amount of money.

When I've written about contentment, I have often quoted Taylor Leonhardt's "Happy or Whatever" song, and this verse feels relevant:

I had a photograph
Where I thought I'd be by now
I don't even recognize the girl in the frame
So I think I'll rip it up
Yeah, I think she's had enough
She might even be proud of who I am today
Maybe I have all that I need
To be happier than ever

I did not know that my life would be like this, but you know, I am happier than I ever was in my marriage, and I am so very grateful to be out.

Deep breath. I may be behind, but I am going to be ok.

What do you tell yourself when you feel behind financially?

(I know I'm not the only one who feels this sometimes!)