In the recent survey I did, a reader left this question:
What should you do when you have failed and bought something that doesn’t work/was not necessary/isn’t easy to resell? I especially wonder about your thoughts in such situations. Do you criticize yourself? Or is it ok to slip? Do you control harder afterwards?
I wrote a tongue-in-cheek post a little while back called 5 Ways to Make Yourself Miserable After a Money Mistake, and a short answer to the above question would be: Do the opposite of all five of those things.
But I thought maybe a non-tongue-in-cheek post would be a helpful companion to the silly one.
Here’s what I try to do when I’ve made a money mistake.
1. Remember what’s done is done
If you can’t return/resell/undo your money mistake, then it is done.
It’s water under the bridge; you aren’t going to get it back.
And not to be Captain Obvious, but obsessing about your mistake will not erase it.
Do I still struggle to stop obsessing about mistakes?
YES. I’m right there with you.
But it does help if I remind myself that the mistake is done. Forward is the only way to look.
2. Figure out what you can learn from the mistake
Usually there’s some helpful data you can glean from your error.
For instance, you might learn:
- I can’t be trusted to cancel free trials
- I am not strong enough to resist buying ___ when I go to ____
- When I’m bored/tired/sad, I am prone to buying ___
- I lose track of bills when I put them in a pile with the rest of the mail
- There’s no grace period for this bill
- There’s a big cancellation fee for this appointment
- If I don’t have a dinner plan, I will be likely to get takeout (ME!)
This is just a tiny list of suggestions; obviously the data will vary from situation to situation.
3. Use the data to help you change course for the future
How could you avoid this same mistake in the future?
If you notice you always forget to cancel free trials, make a rule for yourself that you just will not ever sign up for a free trial (they’re not free if you forget to cancel!)
If you lose track of appointments and end up paying cancellation/missed appointment fees, try a new method of calendar-keeping.
(If I use a paper calendar, I remember appointments. If I use my phone calendar, I forget them! Do what works for you.)
If you forget to pay a bill, set up auto-pay. Auto-pay never forgets!
You may make more missteps along the way as you try to correct course, but keep viewing the missteps as more data. “I figured out another thing that doesn’t work for me. Time to try another tactic.”
4. Be grateful for what the mistake is teaching you
You know how Marie Kondo suggests looking at an item you’re decluttering (say, a treadmill) and saying, “Thank you for teaching me that I will never use an in-home treadmill.”
I like this because it’s forward-looking and it’s positive.
(Which is the opposite of wallowing in self-recrimination!)
Would it have been ideal to not buy the treadmill in the first place? Sure.
But the treadmill purchase is not a total waste if you learn from it.
Maybe you learned that:
- you hate exercising indoors
- you don’t like exercising alone
- you would rather exercise somewhere outside of your house
That information can help you correct course and make different decisions in the future.
The consequences of the mistake you made are painful, but we learn so, so much from pain. And the learning is a gift.
5. Remember that you are human
Every human on the planet makes mistakes. It is utterly impossible to avoid making them.
Since we’re not very logical creatures, we can think something like this, “Everyone makes mistakes. But I expect myself to never make a mistake.”
Should we try to avoid mistakes? Sure.
Should we try to learn from our mistakes? Sure.
But (and I mean this nicely) having an expectation that you will never make any mistakes is just stupid.
And I can say that because I’m sometimes stupid right there with you.
(Please see: me beating myself up over breaking my stove!)
6. Don’t over-correct after a mistake
I know; after a mistake, it’s tempting to think, “Well, I just won’t spend any money on anything now so we can recover from this mistake.”
If your mistake was enormous, you might need to tighten your budget up more.
But for more run-of-the-mill mistakes, it’s better to just gently course-correct. If you get too extreme with your budget-tightening, you probably won’t stick with it.
Figure out something that you can live with long-term and go with that. It’s better to keep to a medium-tight budget for 5 years than it is to keep to a bare-bones budget for 30 days and then give up.
7. Remind yourself of the good money things you’re doing
At first when I broke my stove, all I could see was the mistake.
But with a little time, I was able to see things like:
- I’ve cooked thousands of meals on that stove. It has paid for itself many times over, and those meals were so much cheaper than eating out.
- Because we consistently save, we have money set aside to repair/replace things in our home
- We found a highly-rated stove that promises to last a long time
- We bought the model that’s on clearance
- I’m going to cook thousands more meals on the new stove
You probably are doing good money things too; you just need to remind yourself of those so that you don’t see only the mistake.
Deidre says
– If its a regretted purchase of a physical item I forgive myself & donate it where I think it will be most needed or appreciated, which makes me feel so blessed to have enough o give away & it makes me really happy to think of the blessing it will be in someone else’s life
– If it’s not a physical item or say breaking something; I forgive myself & I put it down to experience & try to learn from it but I will also be more frugal in some ways for a bit to average out the expenditure
– I made what has felt like a huge financial mistake & it has taken some time to sort out how to manage it but I have also finally remembered that all I have came from God & the life here on earth is only temporary & I’ve decided to trust him & seek him.
Amber says
I LOVE THIS POST! Thank you. It’s so true and your observations on the “logic” of human nature is so spot on. Thanks for the food for thought today.
DeeDee says
I love this post! It’s true that we tend to beat ourselves up over mistakes, and Kristen is so good at putting things into perspective. I’ve always thought that there is a biological explanation for dwelling on mistakes: this is our brain’s way of making sure we don’t repeat the same mistake. I guess in earlier times, this was crucial to survival. Don’t eat these berries again, don’t mess with the larger tribe member, don’t touch the twitching striped tail that’s peeking out of the bushes. Although the latter may be redundant…
Ruth T says
It helps me to think of how I would react if it happened to a friend. I’m typically better at being gracious to others than to myself, so if I think about how (for example) I’d want my friend Amanda to be kind and gracious to herself in such a situation, then it’s easier for me to feel like it’s ok to be gracious with myself.
WilliamB says
That’s brilliant. I hope I remember that when I need to.
Steph says
This is a helpful post for me right now, and I especially like the point of reminding myself about the good financial things I’m doing. I feel like I have recently overspent on clothing for our household but it’s (mostly) stuff we need. We are really hard on clothing and kids grow out of things, so I buy clothes. I guess the good thing that offsets this expense is that I shop for sales.
I’ve also been hard on myself lately about large grocery bills, but I’m going to the store less than usual. So while spending over $300 at the grocery store stings a bit, that stretches for 2-3 weeks to feed 3 people (including growing boys). Keeping things in perspective and gently course correcting help me get back on track. Thanks Kristen! Just what I needed to hear.
Kristen says
I am so glad that the timing of this post was helpful for you. Yay!
Kyndra says
Your tips are wonderful! I would add that sharing your mistake with a trustworthy frugal friend can be cathartic. I’m glad to have friends like that who don’t cause me to feel ashamed but are quick to encourage.
When we purchased our car a few years ago, it was our first purchase through a dealership. We were desperate to get a replacement (our old car was dead and we’re a single car household), but we didn’t research things like warranties, negotiating interest rates, and how to shop around. In hindsight, we made some really foolish decisions that caused us to pay a lot more for the car than it was worth. We’ve shared that mistake with others both to demonstrate our imperfections with money and as a warning to those who may be in a similar situation. We’ve more than learned from our mistake and now we would feel confident in making a car purchase. Expensive mistakes really are painful, but they are valuable learning tools!
CrunchyCake says
This and your earlier post about your stove and the reader comments are so helpful to me – thank you! I tend to ruminate over my mistakes and all of this is a good reminder that everyone makes mistakes, even those who seem to have their stuff together.
On the flip side, I’d also add that, it’s also important to recognize the mistake of not buying something or not buying a better version of something due to cost (when you have the funds to have the option, of course!). As an underbuyer, My husband has taught me this – in our first year of marriage, he used some of our wedding gift money to buy us good knives and a good set of allclad cookware. 17 years later and I haven’t had to buy any knives and I’ll never need to replace this cookware. He invested in a more expensive vacuum cleaner and it’s made such a difference in our willingness to pull it out and keep the house neater. I had told him I didn’t need an iPad but it turns out I use it everyday – it allowed me to bring my reading habit back because I can read it in bed without needing the light on (which would disturb his sleep). So ya, I’m definitely learning from both sides of the spending equation!
Claire says
Good point! My BF is the underbuyer in our couple.. hard to convince him that it’s good to buy good quality and thus expensive items (also, he would literally buy essentials like toilet paper by the unit… this freaks me out!)
WilliamB says
In both cases, would it be helpful to think about the thing in terms of unit cost rather than initial cost? So: buying a $200 winter jacket that will last you 10 years means you’re only paying $20/year. Buying an individual roll of TP costs twice as much per roll as buying in a large pack.
Diane C says
When I lived in a more urban area, parking tickets were my Achilles Heel. Whoops, the meter expired. Whoops, I forgot move the car on sweep sweeping day, etc. I made a Ticket Resolution: Pay every ticket within 24 hours and then forget about it. Surprisingly, it worked pretty well. I still live in an area with paid parking in the downtown area (including the library – gah!), but now there are so many ways to pay that I haven’t received one in years. Knock on wood.
Claire says
Oh same for me! No more tickets now that I moved from a downtown-street side-parking situation to a new apartment with my very own indoor parking space <3
Jean says
I concur with Stephanie that this is a good post
Over the years (married 49 years soon) on some issues I wish I had paid more attention to my instincts and stood my ground. Even if the purchase were still made at least I would have worked it out in my mind a bit more.
Instinctive questions: Do I need it? How often will I use it? Do I own an alternative?
Cathy in NJ says
On the topic of learn from the mistake…
It is very rare that a mistake is done alone without a group of smaller mistakes leading up to the big mistake. Remove any of the small mistakes and the big mistake is less likely to happen.
I backed into a telephone poll in a parking lot. When I looked back I was looking for cars and people not a pole. I ignored the pole.
How could I ignore a pole?
1. I was very hungry and had just picked up the take out. I pushed myself too far. Having good snacks available matter.
2. It was lunch break and I was short on time and had to get back quickly. Lunch break time doesn’t change and I have to be realistic.
3. I was thinking about the next thing I had to do. I needed to think about driving in that moment.
Kristen says
This is a really helpful point!
Victoria says
This is a really good point and I need to remember this! It’s also how some of my medical emergencies are worse than they might otherwise be like “get the cab home from the hospital even if you feel ok because collapsing on the subway is way more difficult and potentially expensive overall”
JD says
Oh, the mistakes! Yes. Our current car is a big mistake, but here’s what I’m doing — I’m driving the darn thing anyway. I hate it. But, it’s too expensive to just give away, we’ll never get much of our money back out of it that we put in if we tried to sell it, and at least it’s running. So, I drive it, with broken visors, dead windshield washer pump, sloppy steering, and paint peeling off. Do I still get mad at us for buying this one? Do I still have a tendency to unfairly mentally blame my husband for the purchase even though I was there, too? Do I wish I had never spent the money we spent on this one? Yes to all. But the force of the regret is fading, and I’ve decided to give myself – and my husband! – grace and realize that in a few years, this car will be a memory I will actually laugh about. I also lift up thanks that it gets me to work and back every day, and that helps with the regretful feelings. But if it didn’t work at all, I’d still have to forgive myself for spending money unwisely and move on. I am saving up for another car, by the way.
Battra92 says
My brain at 1AM likes to remind me of some of the stupid things I bought when I was 19. It doesn’t matter how good I am in the meantime but that’s how invasive thoughts work.
But yeah, it’s funny how we dwell on things instead of focusing on what has gone well.
Anne says
Amen, Battra92. I not only think of old stupid purchases in the wee hours of the night, but think of stupid things I said and did back in the day. (I’m now 71.)
I keep telling myself, “Isn’t there a statute of limitations on this stuff.?”
K D says
If the money mistake is one that you can’t afford then see if you can earn money to help cover the cost. You could sell things you don’t need (which would be a lesson in how much most items depreciate). There are lots of ideas online.
I agree with Kristen that generally you should not beat yourself up. Learn and move on.
A great post and I love all the expression Kristen.
Stephanie says
Excellent post!