On gift-giving and expectations
I mentioned a little while back that I'm working my way through The Overspent American
, which is basically about consumerism.
It was written back in '98, which means that some parts of it are a bit outdated (the giant cell phone on the cover photo might be your first clue), but if anything, the patterns Schor saw in the 90's are even more pronounced now.
We haven't gotten less consumer-y since then, in case you hadn't noticed. 😉
Anyway, I was reading a passage the other night about cultural expectations, and she said:
"Psychologically, it can be harder to hold the line on gift buying than on purchases for oneself. One reason is that within social classes, or lifestyle groups, there are real norms about gift giving. If the customary outlay for wedding gifts in your circle is $150, it may not be acceptable to spend $75. One of my acquaintances reports that she lost a friend by doing just that."
Whaaa??
Putting aside the fact that I think $150 would be a lot to spend now, let alone in 1998, I'm really disturbed at the idea that a friendship could be broken over something so dumb.
Because here's the thing...a gift is a gift, not a debt. It's not something that you owe to someone else, and when you get angry that someone else hasn't spent enough on you, I think you're treating it more like a debt than a gift. When you have to spend a certain dollar amount in order to avoid the wrath of a friend, that kind of sucks all the joy out of gift-giving.
And I think that's kind of sad, because gift-giving can be really, really fun when it's free of expectations.
(Zoe is very fun to give presents to, in part because she has low expectations. It doesn't take much to really blow her hair back!)
I also think a reaction like this places way too much value on a dollar amount and not enough on other aspects of the relationship.
I mean, I do get that we want relationships to be reciprocal. If you are the only one pouring time and effort and energy (and money) into it, it's not much of a relationship.
But suppose you have a friend who is a gem in every way, but who gives you a gift that's less expensive than what you gave her. The lower dollar amount shouldn't negate the gem-like qualities she contributes to the relationship, you know?
And what if someone really can't afford to keep up with your level of gift-giving? Is it right to expect them to spend beyond their means just to keep up with you?
Uh, no.
I think this story also bothered me because a dollar amount isn't the only thing that gives a gift value.
When Millicent shared her list of non-frugal reasons to be frugal, she pointed out that a homemade gift may cost only a little, but it can still be a really lovely item that's full of meaning. Often, this kind of gift requires a big time investment instead of a monetary investment, and I think it's a mistake to overlook that kind of value.
Also, I personally think that the key to effective gift-giving is to study your gift recipient. If you don't do that, then even an expensive present might not have much meaning.
I don't know...maybe I just don't move in the kind of circles where these high gift-giving expectations are common, and maybe I am the odd duck when it comes to how I look at money and gifts. Be that as it may, I think the whole thing is ridiculous and misguided, and I think a friendship that can be broken over a monetary difference in gifts is a friendship that is probably not worth having.
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Ok. I think that's all the brain-dumping I need to do on the topic. Thanks for indulging me.
And please do share your thoughts! I always love to hear what you all think. Have you ever been in a relationship where gift-giving expectations were so clearly defined?
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P.S. Simply Being Mum is hosting Food Waste Friday this week (go check out the lovely cake she decorated!).
P.P.S. My $1000 Target gift card giveaway is still open. You just need to leave a comment to enter-easy peasy!
Used to spend more than I really could on gifts for family just to keep up. I realized that nobody really watched anyone else open their gifts at Cristmas, no body showe interest in even what they bought for the kids, the gifts that were bought didn't really suit the recipients. It was all don't for the sake of gift giving as an expected action. Nobody really appeciated te gifts. My mother shows her love by buying things and expects the same in return-if you don't buy her gifts then you don't care for her. In my circle of friends, I cook and bake as gifts. This year I included a few of our favorite recipes with our Christmas letter. For the family I've decided on homemade gifts. Everything we gave to family for Christmas was made by the kids and I-food, crafts. We got the satisfaction of doing things as a family and I didn't spend months worrying if they would like what we bought them. Totally more satisfying.
Hi, i work with a woman who said the same thing about a wedding gift....that since her 'friend' could only see her way to spend about 50 bucks on her gift, she wasn't a friend she would want to keep, and hasn't spoken to in over 10 years. i don't know what she said after that because i left the room.
I give what i can for weddings and Christmas and i try and match gifts to the person (as well as keeping within my budget). i make quite a few things to give (hats, mittens, fingerless mitts, scarves and quilts for big things.) my mother in law always asks what to give my hubby for Christmas and 2 years in a row i have told her that the only thing he would love is a pair of his grandfathers cufflinks since he wears french cuff shirts. she wont do it because they are used. yes, that is the point! no one else is using them and it would mean so much to him to have them. she'll come around one day. (it took 18 years to get her to stop buying so much for Christmas and to stop giving gifts to us for our birthdays.)
Gifts mean so much more when there is a thought process behind it and not just when you are trying to spend a certain amount.
The best wedding gift i got....my aunt gladys' molasses cookie recipe. (she also gave a check for 15 - which wasn't necessary). this was 20 years ago. i think of her every time i make them.
That's so true, isn't it? That the gifts you remember most are sometimes the least expensive.
Kristen, I couldn't agree more. This kind of behavior speaks volumes about the recipient. Have a little grace, and never, ever question the amount of a gift! The proper response is always, "Thank you for thinking of me." It's sad to see basic etiquette slipping away from society.
I'm with you, Kristen. I got in a huge debate with somebody on Facebook about the expectations surrounding wedding gifts in certain families/circles - she was making the argument that if a wedding dinner plate costs $400 for a couple, then the guest should reciprocate by giving at least $400 to the marrying couple (preferably in cash.) And then my head exploded, because how is it my responsibility if people decide to spend that much on their wedding dinner, and sorry, just because they paid $200 per plate doesn't mean it was worth $200 to ME. So I guess I should just not go to weddings if it means I can't afford to "pay back" the cash the couple plunked down on the event?
Anyway, by the time my head was starting to spin around on my neck, a few other people said it must be a regional/East Coast thing and I backed out of the argument by confessing my Midwestern ignorance, where a $50 check in a card is considered a pretty good gift. At least in MY circles.
Still, though, the conversation still bothers me. To me a wedding (or a birthday, or a Bat Mitzvah or whatever the occasion) is an opportunity to gather the people closest to you to celebrate your commitment to one another, or to God, or your birth. It's not a chance to make money, or to throw a big event and get your guests to pay for it.
I just find the whole thing gross. Gosh, can you tell this topic gets me worked up? 🙂
I wonder if it is a regional thing. I live on the East Coast, and weddings are one of those non-negotiable type things. 150 bucks per person for a wedding doesn't make me bat an eye (it's a pretty standard rate), even if homemade and cheaper gifts are acceptable in my family and social circle for other occasions.
It's not so much that I object to giving $150 (assuming the giver can afford it)...it's the anger/hurt if someone doesn't spend that amount, you know? If it was your wedding, you probably wouldn't break a friendship if someone gave you less than $150.
I grew up in NH and hadn't heard of this 'rule' until about 10-15 years ago. (not that i follow it anyway). I wondered then (as i do now) if it was a result of the affluent 80's and 90's.
my hubby grew up in Philly and you NEVER had a wedding without it being an open bar. (what!!??) oh, the discussions i had with my in-laws while planning our wedding. they ended up paying for the open bar because it was definitely NOT the norm in New Hampshire!
I grew up on the East Coast and had never heard of such nonsense until recently ... when people such as Miss Manners starting having to write about it so often, in fact.
The idea of covering your plate is baloney. The idea that you ~must~ give a gift is baloney. The idea that a gift is no good unless it's expensive is baloney. And if there's going to be some baloney idea of giving the value of your dinner, then you should damn well take into account travel, hotel, and clothing costs.
(Can you tell I feel strongly about this?)
Also, the best wedding I ever went to, the one that was the most fun and where the broadest range of people had the best time, was also the least expensive. It might have cost the couple $1500. They were married in a public park, by a relative, reception was in their church hall with church members providing most of the food. The couple's main expenses were 6 bouquets (which then became table decorations), cake (topper to show, sheet cake in the back) and renting the table settings. Even the dress was used. The couple met as swing and line dance callers, so many of their friends were musicians and whoever could, took at turn at providing the music and the instruction. It was AWESOME and we all grouched when the call closed at 3 am.
Totally agree. It can cost a whole lot of money just to attend a wedding, especially if you need to buy special attire for yourself (and possibly your four children. Not that I know about that.) Not that I think the bride or groom should foot the bill for that, but I think the whole idea of either party (the inviters or the attendees) "paying" the other for the expenses is unreasonable.
I thought wedding gifts originated as a way to help the new couple get started on their lives...at least, that's how I view it.
You are correct - that's where the custom originated.
Oh, goodness...that wedding philosophy doesn't sit at all well with me. Since when was a wedding gift a way of paying for your reception meal?? That thinking seems very backwards to me. If you want to have a fancy wedding, view it as a gift to your guests, not as something they need to pay you back for.
I have stumbled upon blogs where the writer and commenters are all in agreement that you should "pay back" the bride and groom for the cost of the meal and it left me cold. A wedding is a sacred union under God witnessed by loved ones. It is a lifelong commitment. It is NOT an opportunity to impress others with a huge party or to "score" on gifts. If you are throwing a party for the sheer joy of it, that's great, but leave gift-giving expectations out of it. If this is the mentality people enter marriage with, no wonder the divorce rate is so high.
I think there are regional differences in gift amounts (I'm from the pragmatic midwest!) which can be tricky to navigate; even families have different "rules" about gift giving. My college roommate and her family are all big gift givers (and she always spends a lot more than I do) and sometimes I'm uncomfortable with that, but we make our friendship work.
I presume everybody knew about "covering their plate." That your gift should at least be that amount. At my wedding, my cousin the minister gave me a very modest gift, which was just fine with me, but my mother never forgot that he did, although she excuses him in the same breath, since he's a minister and doesn't make much.
It's a very elaborate chart, how much to give, what weddings cost, how much you've already given their family vs how much they've given yours, if you gave multiple shower gifts already, etc, etc.
And in our very large city a per-person cost, food and drinks, can easily approach $80 without being super-fancy.
I've actually never heard of that concept until today!
I grew up in the world you're speaking of. It takes away from the celebration of love and makes the guests wonder if theyre just being invited for their gift. The wedding and all its extravagance is something the bride and groom choose. A gift is a gift. Something you want to give. What you're talking about is an entry fee to an event. many of these people would have also given you a bridal shower gift. If I don't drink then I shouldn't be charged for your open bar. If I'm a vegetarian, I shouldn't have to pay for everyone else's steak or all the other food that goes to waste. I shouldn't have to pay for your gown that cost thousands of dollars (that's just going to get put in a closet). It's bad enough that brides maids are charged for being chosen as brides maids. Maybe it's just that I don't buy into social conventions. Maybe it is best that we moved away from NYC and left all that silliness behind us.
I do think it is regional. Having experienced the idea of 'covering the plate' on both the East and West coasts, perhaps it's coastal! Although that's the rule of thumb, I've never heard of anyone actually getting seriously upset if a guest doesn't give that much, and there are definitely allowances made for those who can't afford to give so much. It's probably due to cost of living in the large Coastal cities because $100/plate is not an extravagant wedding by any means.
Yeah, this is such a touchy subject and one that causes much more pain in families and among friends than it should. 🙁 So sad. My husband and I give very modest gifts when we can, but we often feel pressure to give more and spend more. One time our brother-in-law even commented that we were "big spenders" (sarcasm) when we gave a container of nuts to my father-in-law (who loves nuts, by the way) for his birthday. We've suggested drawing names to give gifts at Christmas many times -- and even that we just skip the adults and get the kids gifts, but everyone else in the family refuses to do it. I just wish there was less emphasis on the gifts and more emphasis on spending time enjoying one another.
I see this with some of our family members. Love is equated to how much money you spend. We can't afford to keep up with this, nor do we wish to. This year, I made gifts for everyone. It takes planning and forthought, but it also kept us from going into debt. We unfortunately, know people who would judge you on the amount of money you spend on a gift. I try never to give these people a gift with a discernable amount. I find the homemade gifts work best for us and we have a lot less stress around gift-giving time.
This really chimes with my thoughts recently - last Christmas and during the current round of birthdays. I think gifts have become 'token' for so many people, the gesture is empty but still compulsory. I try to limit the amount my family spend on gifts for me as well, but there's often a lot of resistance, and even when I try to set firm rules, I end up being given stuff they've spent quite a lot of money on that I don't want and won't use. It's frustrating that for so many people the gift must be a 'thing' - the best gifts I get are visits, letters, phone calls - opportunities to spend time together and reconnect with each other's lives.
For the last four-five years I have saved up for Christmas and I buy the five family members about three presents each. Nice presents, but not over the top. Last Christmas everyone did the same thing for the first time. I am very, very tired of overconsumerism, as adults if there is something we need we generally go out and get it. Everyone I know has "too much stuff", so why give people a ton of stuff they don't want at Christmas? Even though it took years to get everyone else on board, last year was a perfect Christmas. Not to mention how much less stressful it all is. Christmas should be about seeing people and spending time with them, not about giving a bunch of stuff no one needs.
Hi Kristen,
I had to laugh. My only expectation in receiving a gift is that the person has put some thought into it. Over the past several years I have actually asked for no gifts but that hasn't always worked!
This past Christmas I was at a friends family's house. They know of my love of used items and didn't disappoint. His sister gave me a beautiful framed poster that she got in Goodwill. It is now hanging in my living room. She knew the colors and style that I liked and also knew that I wouldn't be offended by where she got it. I love it!
Thoughtful gifts are the best.
Patti
PS A friend and I were just talking about gift giving the other day. I told her when I was about 13 my little sister (6 years old) was upset that she didn't have money to buy a nice present for me. I told her that I would just love a scoop of pistachios from those little nut machines that were around back then. I think it was .10 a scoop. I was so surprised when I opened my gift that there was a lot of nuts in a bag! She was so proud. My parents. of course, helped her!
If you gift within your means and it offends someone, you won't lose a friend. They were never a friend to begin with.
So nicely put (and I agree)!
I come from a large family and we have never been the kind that feels the need to give Christmas/birthday presents to every sibling, neice/nephew, etc. Thanksgiving is our big family holiday-so no gift giving expected there. Christmas typically consists of my kids and I as well as my brother and sister, who live in the same city, and a few friends. My brother, sister and I used to exchange gifts, sometimes large, sometimes small in terms of dollar factor. Now, however, we are all at the stage where none of us really need/want too mych, so we just stick to gifts for my kids. I'm a single mom and make a decent income, as do my brother and sister, but none of us will ever be rich unless we win the lottery. When the kids start their Christmas lists and it looks like the expectations might be getting out of hand I let them know both mom and Santa are on a budget and they'll tone it down. I don't tend to buy them alot, usually one "big" present they want and then a few things they need. They always seem quite content with what they do receive.
I'm new to reading your blog and absolutely love it. The topic of expected gift giving of a certain monetary value is something I've always had an issue with. I love homemade gifts, my husband loves homemade gifts but does have some guilt issues when it comes to giving gifts to his family and making sure we're spending "enough". I was at my husband's extended family gift exchange a few years ago and my husband had the idea to make everyone these particular xmas cookies I make that he absolutely loves. We spent an entire weekend making them for everyone that was going to be there. He was so excited to do this and packaged them so carefully and tied ribbons for decorations and assured me how much everyone would love a homemade gift. His grandma turned to him and said "this is all you gave me?". I pretended not to hear the conversation as everyone in the room was busy but he was crushed and then felt so guilty that we didn't spend more money. And most everyone else just tossed them aside. That same year at my family's gift exchange my mom made a huge batch of homemade hot chocolate mix and put them in decorated jars for everyone. My husband absolutely loved it and commented several times to me how sad and disappointed he was that his family, mostly grandma as she was the most vocal, didn't appreciate the thought behind our gifts. Now we give his grandma a gift card, no thought behind that at all. And as much respect that I give her because she is his only living grandparent, I still cannot believe anyone would say that to their grandchild. However, my husband's mom absolutely loved the cookies and asks me to make them every year for her 🙂
This last Christmas I had a friend who was going through a financial hard time, so I wasn't expecting anything from her at all. I wanted to do something really nice for her though because she is such a good friend. So I bought her some makeup, nail polish, candy, all sort of little treats and a starbucks gift card (oh how she adores starbucks!). When I gave it to her, she nearly cried. Then she completely surprised me with an owl cookie jar filled with homemade treats! That meant so much more to me than if she had gone to the store and picked up something.
I don't always buy gifts for birthdays or Christmas but usually throughout the year I may treat a friend to a few meals, transportation, etc and I enjoy them for their friendship not what financial impact they have on my life. I dislike both 'extremes' - people who give something with no thought behind it just to give out of obligation and those who can't afford t buy something but will continue to go on and on and on about how they can't afford to buy me anything. seriously anyone who knows me knows I don't keep track of who gave what but since I don't like getting stuff out of obligation I also dislike when someone does that and expects me to give back out of obligation. sigh...though seriously I think the only time I'd really be bothered is if I know someone has the money and ALWAYS buys for everyone else in the group but intentionally excludes me (or someone else) because they person honestly can't afford to give at that level or afford what that person truly likes. I have 2nd and 3rd cousins I really don't buy for because I don't buy for all and they're close enough they would know..so I guess in spite of my beliefs I still feel peer pressure somewhat
I can relate to this, we attend Christmas party every year with friends and we have exchange gifts, first we agreed "whatever gifts", then they set the amount to $20 because there are lot of whining drama, and when they get a gift that they don't like they take it back or complain, so I quit joining the exchange gift part because it seems their attitudes are so immatur, we just go there and eat foods and have some fun!
People are now so materialistic and it sad to witness how it breaks not only them but their soul
Goodness, you'd think setting a dollar amount to $20 would take care of that problem.
I know, with or without the amount, they're still not happy. It's sad.
My in-laws were very duty oriented when it came to gift giving. A certain amount was expected and there could be no alternative. It really was a sore spot because for me gifts are for people you love and care for...not just something you do to keep up appearances. In this situation it seemed to be a reflection of the relationship. The holidays were always more sad than anything.
I will admit that I was rather irritated with a friend of mine when I got married. She made a point of telling me that she didn't buy me a gift because she trying to save money, but in the next breath was asking me if I liked the new dress and shoes she had just bought. Really!? It didn't kill our friendship (other thoughtless behaviors eventually did that) but it certainly didn't help...
this is one thing that bothers me too - someone not getting me something and going on and on and on about not being able to afford to get something esp when you know they can or that they chose to spend the money elsewhere.
Oh my goodness. This first brings to mind the Secret Santa at one of the offices where I used to work. We set a one dollar/day limit for the first four days and then $20 for the "big"gift. Then people didn't like the gifts, so we all submit wish lists. Then people still were concerned they wouldn't be pleased with their gifts, so they filled their lists with only gift cards. It was the least fun gift exchange ever. And believe me -- there were some hard feelings after those exchanges. The thing I never could understand is that it wasn't as if this would be the only gift any of these women would receive for Christmas.
As a side note: most of my family members didn't even spend $150 on wedding gifts for us, and I've never been close to giving one that pricey. Not that I see anything wrong with that amount -- we live in an expensive world -- but I'm glad that's not the norm in our small circle!
I hate the expected gift giving at children's birthday parties. We seriously say no to so many because I don't want to have to buy another toy for some kid I don't really know, yet see how many they really have at the party. I also wish party favors would go as my boys now expect them at parties.
As for keeping tabs, I tend to do that, but only get upset when it's not really reciprocated. This comes up a LOT with my husband who rarely, RARELY gifts me anything. Now THAT bothers me since I frequently get him little gifties (like a pricey craft beer here and there). I also have an aunt and cousin who never reciprocate despite us always driving 200 miles round trip to visit and help them out. To me, it's far less about the money spent and a lot more about reciprocity.
For our kids birthdays we've started doing a "candy bar swap". I found that writing "no gifts" on the invitations didn't always work so now I tell everyone instead of a gift to wrap up their favorite candy bar. Then the kids do a swap and everyone goes home with a candy bar as their "favor".
I just finished reading that book (returned it to the library today)!
My experience is that a certain amount is expected at weddings. I do not necessarily agree with this theory. Family members and friends unfortunately do tell each other to some extent the amount that was gifted by others. I do try to cover the cost as some have called it, of weddings. I have heard the stories from people who felt they were slighted. By not giving enough in their eyes or not all this hurts the bride and groom and their families and some of them carry that story and hurt with them for a long time. We all know better, our friendship and family love should mean so much more, but sometimes people are often wounded by the smallest things. I have been part of a Christmas Gift exchange for many years now and the same thing occurs . Of course, not all complain, but there is a good 25% that do. It is getting to where I do not wish to participate anymore in this exchange. Malcontent does exist amongst good people even.
My nieces are so amazingly polite about gifts that even if I give them something they already have, they are (or act) delighted and grateful. (And one of 'em still hasn't told me what she wants in place of the duplicate I gave her.)
By universal acclaim - including hers - the best gift I ever gave my mother was an empty box.
We're going to a bday party tomorrow and I made the bday boy a carrot cake. I didn't buy a gift for him although I contemplated it, but then I thought" wow, that cake is really nice and delicious and should suffice".
William B.: You've mentioned your Mom's love and appreciation for that empty box before, haven't you? Sounds familiar. I love when you chime in so if you have time would you relay that (again)?
I love homemade gifts but also try to teach to my children that it is the thoughtfulness behind the present that makes it really special, whether it is something handmade or carefully chosen from the store.
Thanks for the thought provoking post Kristen!
I'd be delighted to.
My mother constantly forgets where she put something. If it was something she really wanted to lay hands on later, she'd put it "someplace special." And, inevitably, forget where someplace special was. This quirk of hers was (and is) a standing joke.
She's also very hard to buy gifts for. She has everything she needs and a great deal of what she wants, and if she does need something, she gets it. My attempts to get her to stop buying for herself in Oct-Dec never worked either.. My mother would try, but usually forgot or it really was an immediate need.
One year I was particularly desparate. Then I saw my roommate hauling away a large packing box and inspiration struck. I wrapped that box in the fanciest paper I could buy, put a ginormous bow on it and labeled it SOMEPLACE SPECIAL.
My mother used that box as "something special" for till it literally fell apart, and 25 years later still talks about it with laughter and affection.
I LOVE this idea, and the thought behind it! I can totally see your mom being thrilled to get a "Someplace Special" box! Brilliant!!
If I could lose someone's friendship by not spending as much on a gift as they felt I should spend, then I think that's a savings I would appreciate, because having to earn friendship in that way would cost me a lot more emotionally than it would financially. I choose not to spend my emotional coinage on people who would deplete it so easily and so greedily. Luckily for me, my friends and family fill my emotional coffers to overflowing, so I'm swimming in treasure like Scrooge McDuck!
Some people may have already talked about this, but gift giving is seen very differently in different cultures. I am married to man who comes from a very traditional culture in which gifts are a more central part of the economy than they are here - in fact, I don't think it would be going to far to say that his extended family/friend network IS a gift-based economy.
In this culture, a wedding (or any other major event) actually is put together by gifts - one family will gift the cake, another the dress, another two or three families might pool together to gift the food, etc. And then when another family in the network has a baptism, say, the wedding family reciprocates with something of equal or near equal worth.
Obviously, people understand that families have different levels of income, and it a delicate art of diplomacy to ask for what the family can afford to provide. Nobody expects a poor family to provide the same level of gifts as a rich one. But over long stretches of time, if a family is perceived to be "shirking," i.e., accepting lavish gifts but providing poor ones, or making excuses, they will find themselves edged out of the economy.
I totally agree that spending money you don't have to meet other people's expectations is a waste of time and money. Our family is small so we could spend more if we had to, but the grown ups have all agreed that the more extravagant spending should be done on the kids, I know, I know, but we are toning that down as they get older. I have taught the kids that any gift is to be appreciated and my daughter (more than her brother) really likes getting clothes and shoes as gifts. The kids get toys, but a set of flannel sheets, footsie pajamas or a new bed set for the grown up bed is met with profuse thanks as well. My mom in law and sister in law trade gifts with us that are totally usable. I give good coffee and creamer, homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast, sheet sets, towels, those wonderful boxes of handmade greeting cards from Costco and these gifts are actually used and not put away and forgotten. The stockings have treats that perhaps we wouldn't buy for ourselves but aren't outrageous, I got new cooking utensils and some chocolates, my husband always get socks and underwear, and we give homemade gifts. I made my mom in law a pretty cloth tote bag one year and she has made me a quilt and several cloth grocery bags, unique and earth friendly. The most expensive gift I got from my mom in law was a necklace and earring set she had made out of diamonds from a cuff link set that belonged to her husband, who died when my husband was six. The cuff links were just sitting there and now they have been made into a gift that has so much more meaning than if she had gone to a jewelry store and bought me something new.
Before we got married and didn't have much money I used to make cinnamon rolls to deliver on Christmas eve for friends to enjoy on Christmas morning. We spent time with friends and had a good time catching up with everyone. I got to the point where I was making 50 dozen and feeling that I was taken for granted. We used to call ahead and tell people where we were and how soon we would get to them. When people started telling us to just leave them at their front door because they wanted to go somewhere else I drew the line. After 20 years we now deliver about 10 dozen rolls to close friends and family who appreciate the work involved and want to spend time with us. I actually enjoy myself more because there is less work but more joy since I cut my list back. The feeling behind what is given is more important than the monetary value since it is thoughtful and actually something the recipient wants, needs, or appreciates.
I still have my kids send thank you notes for gifts they get at their birthday parties. The parents tell me that their kids are so surprised and pleased to get real mail. A few have started doing the same with their kids and I love that this is spreading among our circle of friends.
In regards to having to give a wedding gift worth a certain amount, I am like many of the other people who have replied. If I have to pay a certain amount, tell me up front so I can decide if I want to spend the money since my presence and heartfelt gift won't be enough. I thought that an invitation is just that, a request of my presence to share the joy at the event, with no strings attached. I guess I am naive thinking that there shouldn't be a scorecard at weddings on who spent how much. Perhaps people should spend what they can afford, not what they want to afford?
I was thinking about the five love languages when I read this. And about how a person might not give a physical gift at all to a friend, but maybe they show love in other ways that could be just as meaningful (such as acts of service, or kind words or. . . I can't remember the rest of them at the moment).
Also, we have some relatives who give us gifts every Christmas, and we don't give any back. Usually. I don't feel bad about it, because I agree with you: giving gifts shouldn't be about fulfilling a debt. I know very little about these relatives and wouldn't even know what to get them that they would enjoy. We appreciate their thoughtfulness always!
I was thinking about the five love languages too! (I believe they are: words, touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts.)
Gifts are one of the major ways my extended family communicates love, which in theory should be lovely. Everyone's very frugal, which is great. The result, unfortunately, is that they often end up buying us inexpensive, useless junk so that they can feel like they gave us something. I try pretty hard to keep clutter to a minimum, and it's frustrating to know that they spent money and effort to acquire some little plastic thing for my son that's just going to break and end up in landfill in a week or so.
I don't particularly like gifts (don't like to give them, don't like to get them) but I try very hard to see the gifts through their eyes and keep in mind what they're really trying to say. And I often make myself get something for them, even if I don't have any particular inspiration, because I do love them very much and I would like to say so in a language they can hear.
I totally agree with you that a friendship is not worth having if a gift could break it up!!!
This is definitely a hard issue. It's worse for bridesmaids! And it can be nearly catastrophic for a woman to have to tell a bride that she cannot be a bridesmaid because she simply won't be able to afford it. I've known plenty of women who have wanted to say it but couldn't get up the nerve (and so were over $500 in the hole) and only one who did get up the courage--the bride was incredibly hurt and the potential bridesmaid was equally ashamed and the friendship soured. It was so sad and I wish it was different. BUT! I did know one bride who purchased the dress for a bridesmaid to help her financially, so class and true friendship still exist! I think a bride who does not at least go out of her way to make sure the bridesmaids dresses are as affordable as possible is not being as sensitive as she could be to the costs of being a bridesmaid.
People do tend to ask for money at weddings now, rather than gifts. At first I thought this was tacky, but I've kind of come around to it because everyone I know lives together before getting married and already has a lot of house stuff. So I think it makes sense to give money rather than things people don't need.
However, nobody ever specifies an amount. That is tacky to expect a certain amount of money and complain when you don't get it!
I found your website a little over a year ago. I had to leave my job because of declining health, and I was searching for ways to live with less. I have really enjoyed reading your blog. Sometimes you write about such simple things, and I think why haven't I ever thought of that. Also, I was very pleased to read that you are also a follower of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Thanks again for writing your blog and sharing your insight and your beautiful family with all of us.
Sincerely,
Glenda
P.S. I would love a chance to win the $1,000 gift card.
I can't imagine that any caring person "expects" to receive a wedding gift of a certain dollar amount. Do these couples screen their guests based on their income, scratching off anyone who can't afford to be their friend? So incredibly sad. You spend what you want to spend (and hopefully can afford) on your wedding. Your friends should never be expected to pay you back dollar for dollar for the "privilege" of attending your wedding.
My bridesmaid story: When I was a freshman in college, a girl I'd known in high school asked me to be in her wedding. I didn't know her very well, so after much thought, I politely declined. I have not seen or heard from her since. I later found out she had seventeen bridesmaids!
It's shocking that someone would attach a price tag on their friendship - that relationship was probably not worth keeping anyway. I personally don't care how much the gift costs as long as I'm getting one! But when I go out buying things for others, I am totally aware of the expectations some people attach to the stuff I give them. It's not an ideal world.
We have friends that would invite us over. They would purchase prime rib-crab legs-or even lobster. They would rant about the cost and the difficulty in preparing the meal. It was wonderful to be treated but I cannot afford-nor do I have the talent to prepare a reciprocal meal when they come to our house. They would also prepare six different additional sides to go with the meat. The ongoing comments for them about the "deal they got on the prime rib" was always hard to swallow. At first, I tried to keep up and then a week later feel sick because of the cost. Finally I gave up. I started making things that they can't or don't make. I make homemade pizza that's wonderful....I make homemade bread...homemade wonderful desserts. These are all things that they wouldn't make. No, I am not matching them $ wise-but I feel like I am giving them my best meals. Rather than matching dollar to dollar I decided to match my best to their best and that works out much better. I don't feel sick about the whole deal anymore. They are good friends but I do think they turn everything into a competition....that part is annoying but I've learned I'm okay with just letting them win because I don't want to play the game.
Preaching to the choir! So with you on everything you just said.
I am a (young!) 70 year old single woman with a modest income who lives in an expensive county in California. I am the only one of my friends who still has a mortgage. I live in a small, one-bedroom condo.
I have loved gift-giving all my life, from flea-market finds to handmade treasures - and everything in between. And now I struggle. I have a close friend who is wealthy and who places a lot of merit and importance on gifts. I simply cannot keep up and it is hurting me. I gave her a small, beautiful orchid for her birthday and her children gave her a $1,000. ring. This is a woman who has so much expensive, one of a kind jewelry she open a store with it. Most of it is locked up in a vault.
I find myself feeling so resentful and uncomfortable. I want to stop the gift-giving entirely but both she and one of my sisters keep giving. I actually don't want anything at all, I'm trying to get rid of things. I don't want anything (okay, a gift card would be so helpful, but neither believe in gift cards. Most of what they give me ends up at Goodwill. They have big houses to store unwanted gifts away - the whole thing is such a mess!
What to do?
That is such a hard spot to be in. And I'm not even sure there is a lot that YOU can do about it. The sticking point seems to be her expectations, and I don't think you can do much about those.
The only thing I can think of is an honest conversation with your friend so that she understands where you are coming from. I hope that, if she is truly a good friend, she will listen and understand!