Monday Q&A-My thoughts on mothering and wifing
Every Monday I answer a few questions from you, my readers! If you have a question you'd like me to answer in a future Q&A post (or a question that you'd like me to pose to my husband), leave me a comment, or email me (the frugal girl {at} gmail {dot} com) and put "Q&A" in the subject line.
Before I answer today's question, I have a question for you! I'm going to be working on putting together some Christmas-related posts in the next month, and I was wondering if there's any particular Christmas topic you're wanting me to address. If there is, just leave me a comment telling me what you want me to talk about, and I'll do my best to accommodate you.
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I'd love to hear your philosophies on being married and raising children.
-Eva
This question was sent to me for Q&A some months ago, and when I first read it, I thought, "Yikes! How will I ever fit that into a single post?". But as I've mulled it over, my thoughts on the topic have sort of gelled, and today I hope to give you a semi-brief answer to the question.
While I try not to be preachy about my faith here on this blog (scratch that...I try not to be preachy anywhere!), it's impossible for me to talk about this without explaining some things about my Christian faith. It's what makes me tick. So, be warned...if you can't stand this type of thing, you might want to skip my answer!
In a nutshell, I think that my purpose here on earth is to glorify God, and one of the main ways I do that is by serving other people (especially those people up there in that picture!).
In other words, I serve God by serving others. The principal objects of this service are my husband and my kids, but I also serve my church family and my extended family, I serve my customers when I teach piano and do photography, and hopefully I serve you through my blog. This is not an exhaustive list, of course (I also try to serve my neighbors and friends, for example), but I think you get the basic idea.
I know this doesn't sound like a super-duper fun way to live my life because in our culture, the idea of being a serving isn't particularly esteemed. Few people think, "Ohhh, I really, really want to spend my life being servant!".
But, the Bible says that Jesus was a servant. He came down from heaven to serve people like me, and I want to be like Jesus and serve others.
In a counter-intuitive way, looking at life in a "What would serve others best?" sort of way actually helps to keep me from running myself ragged. For example, if I don't get enough sleep, if I don't get time with God, and if I don't get some alone time, my ability to serve is compromised. So, in order to serve my family, I go to bed on time, I get up early so I can spend time with God, and every couple of weeks, my husband watches the kids so that I can go out all by myself (I usually go to Atlanta Bread Company, re-asess my priorites, and plan how best to serve my family).
Thinking in a servant-y (I just made that word up!) way also gives me the courage to correct my children and confront my husband when necessary. Servanthood isn't about being a doormat for other people...it's about doing what really serves them. So, because I want to serve my children well, I correct them when they do something wrong. And because I want to serve my husband, I let him know when he has offended me (it's what he's requested, after all!), even though my tendency is to avoid confrontation. And though it might seem more servant-like to do everything for my kids, I know that teaching them how to do things for themselves is what serves them best. So, I make them clear their dishes, clean up their messes, and pitch in with chores, among other things.
Though I don't always have a cheerful attitude about serving others (diaper changing isn't a really inspiring way to serve!), by God's grace I can honestly say that much of the time I find real joy in serving other people. It brings me joy to help make my husband's life easier by ironing his clothes and packing his lunch, to make good meals for my family, to read to my children, and to make our home clean and cozy. (I feel the same way about serving people outside of my family...it brings me joy to help my friends at church, to play the piano at church, to help my extended family, to take pictures for people, to inspire and teach budding young pianists, and so on and so on. )
And when it's not so easy to serve (like when I have to get up in the middle of the night with my kids, or when I don't feel like cooking dinner), I know that God's grace is there to sustain and help me. I also remind myself that if Jesus, who is God, could cheerfully serve mere people, then I should be gracious enough to serve others. I also try to remember the verse in the Bible where Jesus says that if we serve others, it is as though we are serving Him. Remembering that serving Zoe in the middle of the night is like serving Jesus himself changes my perspective entirely!
So, that's how I roll...serving my family and the other people around me, powered by God's grace.
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On a lighter note, I have finally updated my "About Me" page. I've added some links, made my bio a little lengthier, and added a new picture ( I was kind of overdue, as the old picture was from July 2008!).
I really appreciated this post. It was helpful to be reminded that by serving others, I'm serving Jesus. Sometimes I grumble about the fact that all the household responsibilities fall to me - dishes, laundry, cooking - but remembering that I'm serving Jesus by serving my husband really helps me to do it with a more cheerful attitude.
This is a beautiful post. I agree with your feelings about the necessity of serving others - as I get older I am realizing more and more how important that is (and I'm only 23 - I have a ways to go!). My need to serve is not necessarily based in religion; I just feel a sort of inner drive to make other people's lives easier and better. I feel that people are the most important influence on the world, and the better you can make people be the better the world will be down the road. I also believe that serving people is a wonderful way of showing love and kindness.
I have a question for you, though. Do you ever feel frusterated if your husband or children don't do things to help make your life easier and better (serving you)? If not, what is your mindset in that situation. I love being helpful but sometimes I feel like I'm giving a lot more than I'm receiving.
Finally - Frugal Christmas suggestions! I would LOVE to have some suggestions for frugal homemade gifts to give away to extended family. I was considering making some jams or jellies, but would love other suggestions. I want to steer away from anything that would be quickly perishable (breads, muffins, etc).
Thank you!! This is my first comment, but I have been an avid reader for some time. But anytime anyone stands for Christ they deserve a thank you. Also, thanks for helping me put myself in the correct perspective of where I need to be.
This is a great post! I especially liked the part about how being a servant isn't the same as being a doormat. So many men and women that I know fall into that trap - giving of themselves to the point of exhaustion, then getting bitter, angry, or withdrawing emotionally.
Sometimes it's easier to start the habits care for yourself when it's being done for someone else (getting enough sleep so you have patience with your babes), until those habits become established.
I would also love to see some frugal Christmas suggestions! A couple of years ago I bought a bunch of inexpensive wood frames, covered them in fabric scraps I had, and gave them to family. I've also done the family cookbook thing, but that actually ended up costing quite a bit. This year I'm looking at cocoa and peppermints packaged in inexpensive mugs from the dollar and/or craft store, possibly with some homemade cookies, but would love to hear your ideas!
With regards to asking readers about Christma suggestions: can you please address frugal tips for Christmas baking? I make goodies for my friends at work and I find that it gets expensive with the butter and other ingredients. Any money saving tips would be great.
Good post however I am single and have no children so this does not really apply. 🙂 However, I love your blog. The cooking features are great. Your buns always make my mouth water. I am going to try the garlic monkey buns this weekend.
This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much for posting it.
I'd love to know what you guys do for christmas. Do you have special traditions you do every year?
Also, with money tight this year, are you going to be doing anything special in terms of frugal gifts? Do you set yourself a budget for xmas or go shopping on Black Friday?
I'm also ready for some delicious holiday recipes! I'm sure you make some sort of Christmas bread or cookie!
Thanks for such an encouraging post! Today is the first day my husband is back at work and I'm at home with our 2-year-old and newborn girl. Your reminder that when I serve my family I serve Christ is just what I needed this morning - I was about to feel sorry for myself for 'having to do it all'. 🙂
Oh, and I second the homemade gifts suggestion. But here's a challenge: how about homemade gifts that people will actually *want and like*. So often homemade gifts take the giver time and effort and then months later you still see it unused by the person you gave it to. I'm also thinking something that isn't quickly perishable like baking, but something a bit more longer lasting. Hmm, that's a bit demanding, eh? 🙂
I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed your honest response to the Q & A in this post and that I never find your blog to be 'preachy'. I do not share your faith, but I am still motivated and inspired by your words. I think the fundamental beliefs you share are valuable even if i'm not a christian per se. Selfless-ness is an undervalued quality in this world.
What a beautiful and inspiring post.
What about frugal decorating tips? I don't own any decorations and I don't plan on buying any, but I'd still love my house to look Christmasy!
I liked the post and I'm not even religious. I think your honesty and willingness to be open about your life are very inspiring and draw people to you. I also think the "service-based" philosophy takes care of a lot of the little gripes and complaints that so many occupy their minds with, and all of us are guilty of in our worst moments.
I would love to hear about your favorite holiday baked goods, decorations, and wrapping methods. These are all things I'm working to do in more frugal and sustainable manner. Also- what are your very favorite holiday rituals? I'm finding those to be the most meaningful part of the holiday and what I remember, more than all the hoopla and especially the consumerism. My favorite traditions/rituals are a dessert party thrown by my husband and I (I bake for 3 days!), a Christmas eve get-together of good friends who were my second family growing up ("Santa" visits for the kids, and we sing Christmas carols to piano music), and my husband and I and our best friends go out to a jazz club that does holiday music a few days before Christmas. Also I make a lot of bread and cookies for the friends and family who love to receive them.
Congratulations on making a potentially very preachy post, not preachy at all. You really do have a knack for conveying, in print (which is the hardest part) "This is what works for me. aybe it'll help you or apply to you but maybe it won't, and that's what happens sometimes." As even a cursory perusal of the web will show how rare this is. (I liked the warning, too.)
So many points to call out. I'll limit myself to two:
- that serving others *requires* taking care of yourself;
- that servant isn't doormat.
Rhona: I spent much of the weekend making holiday goods - tis the season of the party - and so have been thinking about this. I noticed that the most expensive ingredients are butter and chocolate. So oatmeal raisin/nut cookies (made with shortening) or coffee cake are lot cheaper than chocolate chip cookies (made with butter).
Look for quickbreads that can be made with oil, which I think is even cheaper than crisco and certainly cheaper than margarine.
Small items look "bigger" than big ones; a dozen cookies wrapped with a ribbon look like more than the same amount of dough made 4-5 bars.
Pretty wrapping makes anything look "bigger." So I scrounge ribbon, bows, tissue paper, bags, and other pretty looking wrapping from anything anyones gives me.
Pre-made icing is a giant black hole for your money. So are sprinkles and such. I don't know how to make homemade sprinkles but homemade icings (even if made with butter) are a better bargain. If you want to do fancier decorations, cut a SMALL corner off ziplock bag, put your plain or dyed icing in there, and use that instead of a $16 pastry bag. It's the same method and you can even use pastry tips in your ziplok. Remember, you can scrape up your practice pieces and put the icing back in the bag.
I, too, am interested in Our Host Kristen's holiday plans.
Kristen,
Amen and Amen! Beautiful post and a sweet reminder of the purpose of our time here. Such perfect timing what with Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner.
Kristen, I love it. My prayer these days is always more of You and much less of me. Bless you, sweetie.
@Erika You said:
"Do you ever feel frusterated if your husband or children don't do things to help make your life easier and better (serving you)? If not, what is your mindset in that situation?"
It most definitely is easier to find joy in serving when there is something in it for me, whether it be in the form of help or in the form of appreciation.
When it comes to my husband or my kids, if I feel like they are not pulling their weight, or are not expressing gratefulness, I do feel like I am within my rights, especially as a mother, to offer some correction/feedback. Again, though, this should mostly come from a desire for their good and not so much for mine.
When it's someone outside of my family, I am much more loathe to offer feedback. In a case such as that, I try to remind myself why I am serving. My main motivation should be to please God, and He notices and is pleased when I serve others even if no one else notices and appreciates it.
This is a good thing to remember while dealing with small children, I have found. There's very little reciprocation or appreciation for cleaning up spit-up, changing diapers, getting up in the middle of the night, giving baths, and so on. However, God sees me when I do that stuff, and I know that He is pleased and honored.
To everyone-in my haste to get this post published this morning, I forgot to add what is probably obvious, and that is that I do NOT do this perfectly. I often struggle to think more about others' needs than my own, and I sometimes feel very cranky about having to meet the many needs of my littler kiddos.
But there again, there is grace, this time the forgiving sort.
@Franci-Hang in there! The days will get easier!
@Pam I'm so glad you delurked! 🙂
@WilliamB I think that the key is avoiding a "You should do things this way." kind of writing. There's a pretty big personal finance blog I read sometimes and while the content is generally good, the tone is almost always the "You should do things this way." sort, and I find it to be kind of off-putting.
8 years ago when I first started interacting with people online, I had much more of that kind of attitude. Thankfully, I think that God has chipped away at my pride somewhat since then, and has helped me to have a more gracious attitude towards other people.
So that's how you roll...cool 🙂
Like Pam, I am an avid (every day) reader but I have never commented. I agree with the others that this is a beautiful post and your simple words inspire me to serve our Lord every day through the people around me.
My husband passed his final test of nursing school today and so ends our extreme frugalness - but I am hoping that we have learned from the experience and (with your tips and tricks) we can continue to live with less (and serve others more)!!!
I've "surfed" on from Stephanie's blog at "Euro Chic." Just wanted to say how much I appreciate your writing, philosophy and faith. . . and you and your family are absolutely precious! Beautiful people inside and out.
Jean
Great post Kristen! Thanks for the great reminder and reinforcement. Our sermon Sunday was essentially about serving - our pastor pointed out that Jesus served and wants us to be like him, so if we weren't serving, we weren't following. But also, that if we were serving we weren't really living. It is amazing how serving in some capacity that is truely helpful lights a spark inside a person. Thanks! Oh, can't wait for the Christmas posts - love your blog.
Thank you Kristen for reminding us in your own humble way to be more Christlike in all that we do! I've read your blog here and there for sometime now. I am full-time working mom of 3 and your tips on this blog have inspired and helped me to live a more frugal lifestyle (which do not come natural to me but I have started to enjoy more and more the money-saving aspect of it). Thanks for that! I'm happy about your post today, not only because we share the same faith in God but because it's great to hear you voice your convictions and be a testimony for Him. Keep up the good work!
Kristen, thank you for being honest about your walk with Christ, and having the courage to stand up for Him in a world where so many hide. Your light is really shining through! Great post and great blog, I've been following it for many months now and I've learned bunches! Thank you for teaching me how to be a better steward of what the Lord has given me...God bless!
I love that some of you delurked to comment here! yay! I love to hear from my readers.
and thanks to YOU all for your encouraging words. 🙂
I'm not at all a religious person (though very spiritual), and I cringe at in-your-face preachiness or religion. And I actually have very little in common with you, aside from frugalness and finding joy in life. That said, I have enjoyed reading your blog for about a year. I think the reason I get along so well with your blog (if that makes sense) is that you are not trying to convert anybody to any belief system (financial, ethical, or religious), but are willing to share nearly anything that is asked of you.
So, thanks for being the type of religious person that I wish all religious people would be - loving, kind, and devoted, without being judgmental, pushy, and/or very much not like Jesus, all while preaching things in his name.
thank you for sharing your life with all of us. i am encouraged to find out about your faith in jesus. the younger gals in your life are so lucky to have you! bless you
hi Kristen, I saw you on CBN this morning and am enjoying your blog. Would you please either give me a list of chores your kids do on a daily/weekly basis or direct me to a place on your site that has already covered that. LOL. Also, how do YOU deal with selfishness/sibling squabbles?
hi Kristen, not sure if my question about list of chores your kids do daily went thru, so I'm posting again 🙂
I love your post, it's intuitive and really hits the mark !
With that said, uh hmm, shall I add the following statement ...
It's not about our own position in life, it's about our disposition. Where God places us, do the best we can !
THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL! THANKS FOR THIS POST! YOU MUST HAVE BEEN RAISED BY WONDERFUL PEOPLE!!!!!!
I was wondering if you could post your shopping list for the last few weeks and a few weeks here and there in the future. I am having a hard time grasping the idea to buy smaller amounts of stuff at once to last just a week etc. It would be helpful to see what you buy each week and in what quantities. Thank you!
I just found this website tonight, and it's in my favorites folder now. The articles that I have read so far have been great, and you have such a positive and cheerful attitude! 🙂
I love your blog and have been reading it for while, so I decided to go through the archives and start from the beginning. This post is my fav so far! I am a stay at home wife and mother to two very small sons. My husband is a farmer, so we live out by ourselves on a farm, which is awesome for raising little boys! Since none of my friends are remotely close to our out in the boonies farm, I find tons of joy reading your blog each morning. It's like a chat with a friend, which is great. Thank you!!!
Just found your blog and love it! I'm wondering if you are by chance a confessional Lutheran. What I've read so far about your faith and serving your family makes me think of Luther's teaching on Vocation. Am enjoying "getting to know you" on your blog. I'll be back. Thanks!
I'm so happy I stumbled across your blog! And your About page in particular. This helped me get in touch with my inner self who tends to get somewhat lost in our materialist-consumerist culture.