Reality - Expectations = Happiness (or does it?)
When I wrote about tips for used car shopping, I mentioned this equation:
Reality
- Expectations
___________
Happiness
The idea here is that if, say, you take your kids to the park and you expect a level 10 experience and the reality is that you get a level 5 experience, your happiness level will be at a negative 5.
But if you expect something more realistic like a level 5 experience, then if you get a level 5 experience, your happiness level will not be in the negative.
I have mixed feelings about this equation.
Maybe it's true?
On the one hand, having low/realistic expectations definitely does produce a lot of happiness in my life.
For instance, I had almost no expectations for my blog when I started it, which meant that the early days of 20 readers/day and $2/month in revenue actually made me very happy.
I was all, "Holy moly! Someone is reading what I'm writing! This is amazing!"
If I'd expected hundreds of readers and thousands of dollars, I'd have been down in the dumps.
I also have somewhat reasonable expectations of my body's appearance. I have a lot of stretch marks and some extra skin and I carry a little extra fat here and there, but hey, I'm 40, and I've had four kids.
I expected to be a lot worse for the wear at this point than I am, so I feel pretty happy.
On the other hand, some people who look just like me feel unhappy with their bodies because they have higher expectations for their looks than I do for myself.
(FYI, not saying all body image issues have to do with expectations. I know it's more complicated than that for a lot of people!)
Anyway. So, maybe it's true...
Or maybe it's not.
On the other hand, I don't think it's great to go through life expecting/anticipating disaster and gloom just to avoid disappointment. That's not going to make you a happy person.
When I was pregnant with my first baby, a number of women told me awful horror stories about labor and delivery. I was fairly convinced that this was going to be the most torturous experience of my life, somewhat akin to being stabbed repeatedly.
It turned out to be not nearly as bad as people told me it would be, which did cause some relief after my first labor and delivery experience. But the months of dread while I was pregnant were totally not worth the post-birth relief.
On the frugality front
I think that having realistic expectations about life can definitely help you to cheerfully live on less.
If you expect that you'll own a million-dollar house by the time you're 30, you probably will be disappointed. But if you expect something more attainable, you'll be much more likely to experience happiness.
If you expect that nothing you own will break/need repair, you'll be pretty upset when you have to spend the money you saved.
But if you anticipate repairs and maintenance, then spending that money won't make you so unhappy.
You can definitely doom and gloom yourself into misery with financial expectations too, though.
If you go through life with a, "Things are always breaking. I'm never going to make enough money. Everyone else will always have more than I have." womp-wompy kind of attitude, then you definitely are setting your expectations low, but you are totally not increasing your life happiness level.
After all, Eeyore has low expectations, but no one holds him up as an example of happy living.
Plus, if you have an Eeyore attitude, you're kind of primed to look for the things that go wrong, and that doesn't help to increase happiness either!
What's the answer?
I'm not quite sure what to think about this issue except that maybe it's good to have expectations/hopes/dreams, but that it's also good to hold them a little loosely.
If you are really rigid with your expectations, you increase the possibility for disappointment. And flexibility goes a long way toward increasing the possibility of happiness.
Also, maybe it's smart to check your expectations to see if they're remotely realistic.
Expecting my kids to never get into a car accident is not realistic.
Expecting my kids to never fight isn't realistic.
Expecting to never touch my emergency fund isn't realistic.
Expecting to have four babies and still keep the body from my teens isn't realistic.
So.
Hope for good things, be flexible with those hopes, and give yourself some grace when you can't meet your unrealistic expectations. 😉
__________________
So, I'm a scientist. If you are a really good lab scientist, you can expect your experiments to work on a 50% success rate (if you're doing something new). This is, kinda why, they call it research, because you are searching again and again. I am a pessimist about this. I always assume nothing is going to work, that way if nothing does, I got exactly what I expected. However, if it does, it's a bonus good thing.
Seriously, it's the only way you can sort of mentally deal with being a scientist knowing that most of what you do is a mistake/doesn't work/negative result etc. Otherwise, you'd be down about everything.
Great thought-provoking post, Kristen! If you were to take a look at a page of quotations about expectations, you would find that some people favor setting low expectations so that they’re not disappointed and some favor setting high expectations so that they rise to the occasion. Personally, I favor the advice, “Expect the best; prepare for the worst.”
It seems to me that disappointment and unhappiness occur most often when there is a large gap between what you expect and what you get. Preparing for the worst serves to narrow that gap. Here’s an example: My husband and I have always enjoyed dining out. When our kids came along, we could have curtailed that activity until they were older, but we chose not to. By explaining how to behave in a restaurant before going to one, by bringing “The Restaurant Bag” with us to keep them entertained (a vinyl lunch bag filled with small books, toys and art supplies that they only got to play with when we went out to eat) and by being willing to have one parent walk outside with a child nearing his/her limits, we were most often extremely satisfied with the results. I happen to believe that higher expectations generally lead to better experiences, as long as you’ve done your part to prepare. Did the rain ruin your hike? (Did you check the forecast before you went and pack rain ponchos if you decided to chance it?) Did replacing the washing machine that was only five years old throw your finances into turmoil? (Did you not have an emergency fund built up for just such an occasion?) We are often our own worst enemies.
Certainly there are times when nothing you could have done would make a situation better. But in those cases, it’s your attitude, not your expectations, that will save you.
Well said Mary......"it's your attitude, not your expectations, that will save you."
I cannot believe how many ads are in this one post. I counted 9! It made it very hard to read.
I had not even noticed the ads until I read your comment. I had to go back to find them. I guess I just have a very focused mind. lol
So, here's a sweet no-ad tip: read the post on the homepage and there will be no ads. They'll only appear when you go to the actual post page, where you see the comments.
Try clicking the home button, and you should be able to see the whole post with no ads. I have it set to display the most recent two posts there with no ads so that the ads are mostly showing up on posts in the archives. Let me know if that doesn't work for you!
My ad company tells me I could make a lot more money by changing that setting, but I like to offer regular readers a no-ad experience.
Awesome, thank you. I guess that is what I usually do because today I had such a hard time reading the post. I ended up scrolling a lot and at the end of the post, I realized I scrolled past content and pics too.
Yes, I could slow down but I have a limited amount of free time in the morning - if I don’t read your blog in the morning, I end up skipping it.
You can install an ad blocker on your browser as well. It makes a world of difference!
Or read them on the computer and the ads are on the right side and not in the post. There are ads in everyone's posts. It's all about being positive and not letting the little things ruin the experience 🙂
Thanks for your input, Cathy. I will attempt to be more positive now that you pointed it out.
I just wanted her to know it made for some hard reading today. It was the first time I had noticed it.
@Jen,
Interestingly related to this post, my expectations for free quality content are that there will be many ads. I assume that is why I don’t have to pay for it. So because my expectation is that there will be many ads, the fact that there are ads does not bother me at all. Expectations do certainly affect our level of happiness.
Thank so for the food for though Kristen!
I think that happiness is complex and sometimes fickle. I would tend to think that we can choose to be happy (I know this isn't true for all circumstances).
However, when you have high expectations for something and then that thing doesn't deliver,you then have a choice. Yes, you may be disappointed, but it doesn't have to make you unhappy.
For example, if your birthday in the park gets rained out, that could make you unhappy.
If you then chose to be a little goofy and run in the rain with your friends, or take the party back to your home, it could still be a lot of fun despite not meeting your expectations.
I think you hit the nail on the head here, "...maybe it’s good to have expectations/hopes/dreams, but that it’s also good to hold them a little loosely."
Per Eeyore, I don't view him so much as having low expectations as being casuistic, cynical and extremely sarcastic. It's a shame that the Disney adaptation is far better known because in the books he's a riot. Not a role model, of course, but really fun to read about.
Anyway, I think the best realization I came to was that since we're in a fallen creation, one just simply needs to accept that some things are as they are. There are things you can change or at least affect change of (such as voting a certain way or by being good to your neighbor etc.) but you aren't going to change things like human nature or stuff like thermodynamics or entropy. I think this is why Calvinism makes so much sense to me.
Stuff is going to break and sometimes no matter how well you plan, stuff is going to happen. I didn't want to buy a car for my wife three years after the last one but it was either that or deal with a potential money pit that may cause other issues later. So I try to set myself up for potential failures and do what I can so that something like this doesn't destroy me financially.
You know, I don't think I've ever read the books! I've just seen the TV version of him, and in that I remember him always having rather womp-womp things to say...I can't remember exact quotes, but I got the sense that he just expected that nobody would like him, nobody would care, and everything would be rather terrible.
I suppose I should do some more Eeyore research!
Eeyore is actually an example of clinical depression, which has been written about pretty widely. Not as simple as changing attitude or expectations.
As to the heart of Kristin's post, I think our expectations for things we can control is different than expectations for things outside of our control. Or should be, anyway. Example, taking kids to restaurants. I can prepare for many things, but I can't prepare for who is seated near us, or how long it will take for the food to come, those sorts of things. So having a well behaved child yet sitting near a crankypants person who complains because my child is simply sitting at the next table (yes, it really happened) will impact the happiness level.
Whoa, Eeyore has been written about as an example of clinical depression? I had no idea.
That does make sense now that I think about it, though. And yes, sadness can have much deeper roots than expectations and attitudes, just like body image issues can be much deeper than expectations level. I am totally not qualified to address those situations...I only know about the more minor, everyday attitude types of issues.
Fascinating topic. I think happiness needs a definition here that's more concise but on the large I believe happiness does mean expectations and reality should line up from the way I was raised. I was taught to do my best and if my best wasn't good enough then I.... stink. Cue pity. (That's how my mom raised me she wanted me to be there best at everything.) It's not a great mentality but I was ingrained to it early on. To me, expectations does mean happiness from that 'i was raised like that' pov.
Whoa! Wait a second. Kristen, you had already solved that equation when you said that nothing is all good or all bad, and that it's important to look for the good. I've taken that advice to heart, and it's helped.
I...tend to be more of an Eeyore (to the point where my husband got me an Eeyore onesie set of pajamas a few years ago for Christmas, complete with hood with ears, and a tail on the rear end). A lot of it is due to my anxiety, and I'm very conscious of it. I don't want to be the droopy pessimist who rains all over everyone's parade, so I try (without always succeeding, of course!) to focus on the positivity of a situation.
Eeyore's friends loved and supported him despite his moping. That's definitely a positive. 😉
@Stephanie, I hear you on the anxiety tied to Eeyore-ness. When i hear myself being Eeyore-like, I pause to think what about the situation is causing me anxiety.
To be or not to be..shakespeareque....hehe...vanity under the sun i guess when too much thought is applied 🙂 going with the flow of God's sovereignty & providence seems to be the answer...
This was a challenging post to me -- which is better? I don't want to always have low expectations, yet I don't want to constantly feel disappointed. I guess being realistic yet hopeful is a happy medium? I admit I get unhappy when, for example, something I expected to last a long time doesn't, like the nice new dishwasher that was dead in less than 3 years and neither the seller nor manufacturer would admit it was a defective machine. If it had made it even just 6 or 7 years, I probably would have shrugged my shoulders and got over it. So the circumstances seem to make a difference for me, I guess. If a friend I counted on betrayed me, I would be very unhappy. If an acquaintance did it, I'd just figure we'll never be friends, for sure, and carry on with a smile.
One good thing about buying used -- if it doesn't last long, at least I didn't pay much, and I had more realistic expectations for it anyway, since I knew it was used already.
I pretty much agree with the equation. Expectations will ebb and flow at times, we may not even have any at times. I do think attitude affects expectations. A happy person will usually have a positive outlook and vice versa. Sometimes other people's opinions influence expectations. It constantly evolves and we just have to roll with situations as we get to them.
The older I get and the more experiences I undergo, this way of measuring life helps me roll with the punches and not be so down. Not to be cynical about it all, because that just isn't fun, but just to expect Murphy's Law and when it doesn't rear its ugly head then be giddy that my day went so swimmingly. When things are tough, then think about what lessons can be gleaned from that day too. Had my first kid this year, and so many new experiences to navigate. It has been helpful to bounce ideas off mother's who have been there before.
I don't think it's nearly as simple as this equation. Let me make up another example to explore. I'm planning a family outing. If I expect it to be a ten and it turns out to be an 8, I'll be a little disappointed, but I'll still be pretty happy because we had a good family outing. However, if I'm expecting a three, the event won't be able to be much better than that, maybe a four. And I would end up not happy at all, even if the above equation would suggest I should be very happy. To be honest, expecting a ten would leave me happier afterwards than expecting a 3 would have.
I generally have low expectations for situations I can't control, but not really in terms of being negative about it. I tend to consider myself a "radical realist". I don't think, "Oh, things are going to be awful." It's more, "Ok, it might not be particularly enjoyable, but we will see how it goes." I try to be realistic about the situation and go in with an open mind.
For example, one year, after the holidays, my sister was telling me how disappointed she was that our family Christmas celebration "wasn't fun." The way she saw it, family holidays should be fun and enjoyable. I looked at her like she was crazy and asked, "Have you ever met our family?" I love my family members, but not everyone gets along, and our holiday celebrations are usually somewhere between annoying and okay. Based on years of past experience, I don't expect them to be fun. So, when they actually are, I am pleasantly surprised.
I was also thinking along the lines of being a realist. I think our society tries to promote how our lives can be better! Happier! More fulfilling! The truth is, toddlers can be unexpectedly edgy during a "fun" outing, teens can be difficult to read and therefore figure out what would be fun for them to do, aging parents can throw a whole different dynamic into a "fun" family activity, and so on. I feel it helps to tweak situations--maybe 4 hours at the zoo is excessive but 2 hours is great; or ... it's an unexpectedly hot day at the zoo so you splurge on ice cream. I find it's helpful to have a couple of backup options in case a situation isn't going swimmingly well--I guess that's my realism at work. 🙂
Thanks so much for this post. Huge topic. What about having no expectations? When I can manage that it adds a lot to my serenity. Expectations whether high or low are about thinking I know what the future holds.
One month ago I was at a work conference more than a thousand miles from home. I had been to the conference in that same location the year before. So I thought I knew what to expect, both good and challenging. I expected to work hard for 6 days.
But instead I had a heart attack in the middle of the third work day. I have absolutely no risk factors. I got a clean bill of health at my annual physical two months before.
My takeaway is that you just have absolutely no idea what is going to happen. Period.
So it seems to me that expectations of any kind, while a part of human nature, are kind of silly.
Nice post. I am so happy you started blogging because you have such an upbeat attitude!
My motto in life is -"you got what you got you can't make it something it is not" but I work in accounting too.
My husband says I only look at the negative side and he only looks at the positive side so I try to be realistic so I am not disappointed.
I read your post earlier today. A few hours later, I looked at a quote I have post-it-ed to my monitor stand: "Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken." Albert Camus
I agree with you and Camus: keeping an open mind, giving others the benefit of the doubt--they make life easier. If you set your expectations too firm, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Disappointment and happiness can co-exist, but not easily or often.
Thanks Kristen! Another thought provoking post.
I grew up with an incredibly negative mother. She was so negative, it’s truly hard for me to convey just how extreme her negativity was. So I vowed to never be that way, and I’m not. Being positive and thinking “it could always be worse” has served me very well. Seeing the cup as half full has been very helpful to me in my views of expectations and disappointments. I’ve just learned to be incredibly grateful for what I do have instead of focusing on what I don’t.
I've always been a hope for the best, prepare for the worst kind of girl!
Oh yeah, prayers help too!!
I think it can also be a way to silence individuals who are striving for things to be better. Like when women in the USA point out issues with wage differences, or harassment, and then someone says, oh but you could not be able to work or have to go everywhere with a chaperone. We can acknowledge that we have a way to go, without having to resort to being content with inequalities, just because other people may be more unequal.
It's so unhelpful when people do that kind of thing! Just because someone else is in more pain, it doesn't mean you are not in pain at all.
There's no magic formula for happiness that works for everyone. However, solving for reality in your equation means reality = happiness + expectations! How awesome if I could control reality with my happiness and expectations! At least until I have a grumpy day and that causes reality to be bad too! 🙂
Sometimes the worst day of ones life can also be one of the happiest. For example, if you survive a plane crash you will probably list it as one of the worst things that ever happened to you. However, you may also be extremely happy that you survived and now have a whole new outlook on life. You expected to arrive safely and in reality you did not, so why suddenly so extremely happy just to be alive and see your loved ones again? Writing a happiness formula would indeed be a very complex undertaking!
I love that you did some math with the word equation!
And I suppose the most logical among us would conclude that the proposition is false because when you solve for reality, you get happiness + expectations, and you can't really control reality that way.
I really enjoyed reading the post and all the comments. I think having high expectations is ok as long as you match it with equally high emotional resilience if things don’t turn out the way you expect. The ability to bounce back from setbacks and to have planned for contingencies helps to weather the disappointments while not robbing you the pleasure of really looking forward to something.
My dh's dad had a favorite saying, "You take the good with the bad". I guess for me, I know that it rarely is all good, so when the bad happens, it's not as big a deal.
You write as if we have a choice between low expectations and high expectations. But what if we try to have no expectations at all? We go to the park with our kids and we have no expectations about how much we will enjoy ourselvces, if they will behave nicely or not etc etc.
We just experience the day as it unfolds. Of course there's no harm in preparing, checking the weather forecast etc. But you can prepare all you want, something unexpected can always happen.
Hmm, that's an interesting thought! It sounds like you are very good at living in the moment, and I respect that. You could teach me a lesson or two!
I think it is important to have expectations that are true to you. Yes, for some people maintaining perfect looks after 4 babies is not realistic, but others are willing to go the extra mile to get there and for them it is attainable and makes them happy. So who are we to judge?
I also like the saying “Expect the best, prepare for the worst.” But on thinking of it further, implicit in it is the idea that you are aware of a whole range of possible outcomes. I think when you are fixed on one particular outcome and refuse to even consider that you may get a different one there’s a potential for a lot of disappointment. Holding the range in mind is optimal because you get the pleasure of anticipating something nice (expecting the best) as well as the comfort of knowing that if that doesn’t work out you will have mitigated the situation as best you could (preparing for the worst).
In my case, I think age has helped with my expectations. I can’t un-know that a whole range of experiences could result from any situation because I’ve seen so many of them and been surprised so many times!
Ah yes, I like this. Flexibility!
Trying to work on less expectations and being more in the moment so this was a thoughtful post for me. I think many people (not so much among FG readers perhaps) have skewed expectations from social media. The younger generations especially are comparing themselves to a glorified and sanitized version of life that is mostly unattainable.
Being an oldster, I sometimes find my expectations out of line because of changing times/norms…I’m not sure quite what to call it. The first washing machine i owned lasted 15 years, which seemed reasonable. The second one i owned lasted 3 years and when i tried to get it repaired (before the pandemic which added even more challenges) I was told that the cost to replace the electronics would be within $100 of the cost of a new machine because “appliances are designed to last 3-5 years now.” Really? Craziness. It does seem to be true, however, based on the number of refrigerators my friends and family have gone through in the last 10 years while i am still trucking along with my ancient one.
I think this conundrum is solved by gratitude.
‘I took my kids to Disney and it was so hot and crowded. BUT we can afford to go to Disney, we managed to do most of the things, and we had fun.’
And like most advice, I should practice what I preach more.
Thanks for being you, Kristen!