On humility, grace, and frugality
I've been thinking about how a lot of us here in the FG community are probably natural-born savers.
I definitely count myself as one...I've never been a spender, I'm all about delayed gratification, and I've been interested in avoiding waste since I was young.
(I used to put the last bit of bar soap on the new bar, even when I wasn't paying for any of the soap!)
Anyway, I was thinking that when saving comes naturally to us, it's easy to have a judgmental attitude toward people who struggle to save, or who make what we'd categorize as stupid spending decisions.
We want to call that lazy, right?
Or we want to wring our hands over the lack of self-control we see.
What is wrong with those people anyway? They deserve every bit of money trouble they have because they bring it on themselves!
And while it's true that stupid spending decisions have unpleasant consequences and that it's smart to have self-control and live within our means, I think we naturally frugal people need to keep an eye on our attitudes.
Because here's the thing: frugality is not the only virtue that matters.
Who cares if I'm good with my money if I don't have an attitude of love toward other people?
A responsibly-handled financial life is lovely, but really, isn't a humble, gracious attitude toward others even more important?
Plus, there's the possibility that a person who manages their money poorly may have a wealth of virtue in an area where I'm pretty lacking.
While I am a very good saver, I've said many times before that people who are more spendy tend to also be far more naturally generous than I am.
It's not that one is better than the others; we just have different strengths, and it would be completely wrong for me to look down on others because their strengths are different than mine.
And here's another thing: we don't deserve a lot of credit for what comes naturally to us.
Saving money is about as instinctual as breathing for me. I'm great at it, but honestly, I don't think I deserve much credit for that because it's not crazy hard.
If you're a natural saver like me, be grateful (it makes money-managing a LOT easier), but watch out for the temptation to get on your high horse about it.
We're not having to go against our natural inclinations, so it's more like coasting downhill than pushing uphill.
I wouldn't want spendy-but-generous people to get on their high horse about generosity. So I shouldn't behave that way about saving.
Aaand one last thing: people aren't generally motivated by judgment.
I suppose there are some exceptions to this rule...perhaps some people have had an epiphany after hearing unkind, judgmental remarks.
But generally speaking, if we're approached in a way that's proud and ungracious, we're not going to have ears to hear what someone is saying.
So, if our frugal selves are trying to help a not-so-frugal person learn some better spending habits, we need to approach them with a kind attitude.
Maybe firm things need to be said, but hard words can still be couched in love and humility, and those kinds of hard words are much more likely to be heard.
_______________
And that's the end of my soapbox speech (although, if I'm preaching to myself too, is it even a soapbox??)
Thank you for this post. I am not a natural saver and I struggle. I loved reading these thoughts.
I am the same way. Thank you.
A natural-born saver I am NOT. I struggle. One action that gives me hope is when I have strength to bake a loaf of bread from scratch. Or, when i cook homemade soup or roast a chicken rather than store bought. Over the past year or so, I have become more apt to keep a full pantry instead of buy things at local convenience store(s).
Store-bough ice-creme, now, there's a challenge in buying less! So, to my small bowl of ice-creme i add a piece of sliced fruit and perhaps a few grains of wheat-bran.
Nice to read like-minded ideas that help build hope and strength.
Richard
Vancouver BC, Canada where a very nice afternoon and evening has been had.
@richard zorniak,
Because -- Ice cream is non-negotiable -- especially with all your other hacks! 🙂 If a bowl of the real deal gives you joy, I say enjoy it and be proud of the things you have accomplished in the savings arena. I zig zag back and forth -- careful much of the year, then visiting family back east every few months undoes my best efforts I file those expenditures under my "WHY" I try to save most of the time. Good luck to you
Nicely said 🙂
I grew up pretty poor, and I constantly flutter between wanting to have the nice things we had to do without while growing up and feeling panicky about spending money. I usually feel some guilt about what I spend, even though we are financially responsible and I am just trying to make a nice home and life for my family.
In spite of that, or maybe because of it, I do sometimes have judgeypants thoughts when I see people whose spending is clearly not in control. Thanks for the reminder that generosity of spirit is free and an equally important focus for me.
Sarah,
I can echo everything you have said. Every single thing. I fluctuate between "ooh, look at the pretty things!" and "ooh, look at the nice pile of money. We need MORE." and "let's give to all the people that don't have what we have, just like my parents grew up and just like we were until we were teenagers." My husband and I were both from broke families that struggled with small businesses through the late 70's and very early 80's and both businesses began to thrive in the business-friendly economic climate of the mid 80's through the 90's. We went from having one pair of shoes and one nice outfit and saving up for a trip to McDonald's (back when the fries were good..) to private high schools and trips to the mall. It was a whiplash-producing change of circumstance and neither of us ever got comfirtable with it. As adults and parents we still have the lizard part of our brain panicked about not having enough, while the Bacchanalian part of our brain wants a new sectional and surround sound. The nice part of us makes donations to Heifer International and the local mission for the homeless people in our community. The whole thing is stressful and we lack the peaceful demeanor Kristen has about her financial decisions. That, in fact, is why I come here. I am trying to take in some peace by osmosis. LOL!!!
Oh I am right there with you. I grew up in poverty, married an abusive man and stayed because we were financially more than comfortable, and am now happily married (after a super messy divorce) to a lovely man & we haven't got much left after bills every month.
So I've been on both ends of the spectrum and now walk on the line between, generally dipping to the poorer side, and easily distracted by wanting things and wanting piles of money. I love this blog because it appeals to everyone - the natural savers and those who struggle like me - because of the kindness and helpful tips that are applicable to every day life and are new (no "stop buying lattes to become a millionaire!" advice).
You're not alone in your struggle, and I'm definitely here for some osmosis too! Lol
The latte shtick drives me nuts. It isn't obvious unnecessary luxuries that trip me up, it is figuring out how to prioritize and balance immediate needs with long term needs. Bills vs. Savings. Braces for my snaggle-toothed kiddos vs. Investments. I find a peaceful balance here and it reassures me that I am close to doing it right. Most of the time. Lol!
Chris - is that because you think it isn't true (ie, the daily latte(s) isn't the source of shortage of funds?) or because you think it's obvious?
Oh. Lol. Well, I guess I do think it is fairly obvious that fancy coffees are not a need.
Also, lattes are so often referenced in articles about saving that it annoys me now. It isn't very original.
It is worth mentioning that I don't drink coffee. It is easy to avoid buying something you don't like!! Haha
Whether or not a $5 coffee derails your financial security depends on a person's financial situation. If you are getting by on $2500 a month but spend $5 every morning of the month on coffee...yeah, probably a bad idea. You just spent more than I spend on electric and gas for my home on coffee. It's too large of a percentage of what you have. If you are making $8000 a month then that same coffee decision has much less of an effect.
All the same, nearly everyone I know has a Starbucks habit. They have no idea I think it is wasteful.
I am reminded of a friend who drank 3-5 lattes (those are the milk+coffee ones, right?) per work day. We talked about it once. Part of the reason she did that was because it was her source of calcium. But that was only the minor part. The major part is that if she saved a lot of money, she would be required (by family norms) to help out someone in her extended family. Whether she liked that person or not, whether or not that person got zirself into the financial hole.
Rather than have no choice over what happened to the money she worked for and sensibly saved, she spent her money on *she* chose to spend it on.
@WilliamB,
How would anyone know she had any money saved if she didn't tell them?
"Frugality is it the only virtue that matters." So beautifully stated!
Saving does not come naturally to me, and although I've never thought about it before reading this piece, I wonder if that isn't the reason for some of the excitement about it I seem to generate, especially in my "in real life" relationships. Friends and acquaintances, when they mention their challenges, often light up when I respond "Me, too! That used to be exactly my situation!" I'm starting to lose count of the number of people who have begun to make meaningful change in their relationship to money after learning that I/we used to be in exactly the same boat.
There's no way, though, that people like me could do it without people like you... In any venture, the converts need the ones for whom it comes naturally to lead the charge. And it's so lovely when people are willing to slow down like you do, and explain things patiently to those who are still learning.... Because there will always be people who are still learning!
And with your blog in particular, there is a lovely warmth and lack of ego around your mastery of frugal living. Thank you for sharing what works for you and your family, and for having cultivated a snark-free space that lets people like me feel more comfortable trying new things. It's really helpful!
"Frugality is NOT the only virtue that matters"
Sigh, autocorrect!...
Thank you so much for this! Beautifully said.
I agree. I think the same things about intelligence and beauty. To get those, the most important thing to do is pick the right parents. LOL In other words, we didn't do much to get either a high IQ or beauty, so it's always been distasteful to me to be arrogant about those things.
So, so true. I have never understood conceit.
In my family, we call that winning the genetic lottery.
The qualities that Carrie mentions are ones we can also work on. Beauty can be created by exercise, or make up, or flattering clothing, or surgery, or spending time on one's hair. Intelligence (as perceived, since we haven't managed to create a bias-free test) is VERY capable of being increased by hard work - Edison said that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
Nonetheless, some people have a head start, others can only increase via work.
Ah, the genetic lottery. We call it that in our house as well! I definitely won it in terms of being born to great people.
Were you writing about me??? My husband is not as frugal as me, but he hits it out of the park with generosity. I do not have his generous heart and struggle with that. We balance each other out very nicely!
Thanks. Beautifully put. So often frugality bloggers are smug and self-righteous and superior. coughthenonconsumeradvocatecough. Their attitude is always "This is how I do it and if you don't or can't, you're inferior/materialistic."
Yes, Gloria, I agree. This is why I'm still reading Kristen's blog.
That's a pretty rude comment. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. If I remember correctly, Kristen and Katy are amigas. I don't think it's right to say mean things about people's friends on their blog. Sheesh. Bad manners. Not cool.
Kayleigh, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.
There's a difference between making unkind comments about someone, and calling someone out for this behavior.
Oh dear. I haven't been around in the comments much because real life is kicking my booty this week, and at this point, I don't want to delete comments because there's a whole conversation going on.
What to say...let's see. I'd say that it's totally fine to disagree with someone or to not enjoy their blog (including mine!), but that when we feel that way, it's still important to express those feelings in respectful ways.
For instance, if someone hated my blog, I'd want them to say so politely (or just not say anything at all and stop reading if I'm not their cup of tea.).
And if someone thought I said something rude, I'd want them to gently point that out, in a non-judgmental and humble way (which, as has been discussed in the comments here, is the most likely way to get someone to listen anyway.)
There's a difference between saying, "You are such a rude moron!" and saying, "Hey, I think that was uncalled for because x, y, and z.", you know?
Even when someone IS being rude, it still seems wise to respond in a not-rude way. Otherwise, we're just contributing to the net rudeness level in the world. 🙂
I think what I love about Katy and Kristen is that they are true to themselves and they speak in their own authentic voices. They are different people, with different styles, goals, life experiences and motivations. There is huge learning value in that, whether you agree with their every.single.word. Or not.
I am grateful for both of you and the tremendous effort you each put into your blogs, generously allowing the rest of us to ride along and learn from your wisdom and example, at no charge whatsoever. Blows my mind and improves my life. I am forever in your debt and always grateful. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
@Diane C, love love love this comment and second it
Posts like this are exactly why you are my favourite frugal blogger - and the most inspiring. For those of us who struggle more with this it's so lovely to have the advice and the example without the judgement. Thank you.
I have the extreme privilege of knowing Kristen in real life and let me just say, she's like that in person too! Many times I read blogs and think there's no way they could be like that all the time- it must be a front. I have another dear friend whose blog is not always representative of her real life mess (don't worry, we've discussed it privately and get along just fine- I mean, who doesn't want to put forward their best face 🙂 ). But Kristen is not that way. She's genuinely encouraging and gracious online and in person. <3
Well said! My husband and I balance each other out also...although we probably could be a lot more frugal than we are now. And I suppose some more frugal people might think we should do better. But we are happy with where we are with this and how we spend, so that's what's important. Thanks for all your wonderful, thought-provoking posts!
If I'm being honest here and taking this outside of the therapist's office: a lot of my frugality is motivated more by fear of being poor than of anything else. I grew up in a house with five kids and things were really lean at times. I really don't want to live with that insecurity any more so being frugal is one way I actively fight it. This has also made it difficult in the last year because now that I'm a father I now don't want to spoil my daughter or deprive her either.
That being said, I'm also a bit of a math nut and optimizing everything is sort of fun as in the "Hey, I can buy a large box of laundry detergent and save money and not have to worry about it for 2 years" kind of thing.
But I'm 33, debt free except for my mortgage (which has 10 years left on it) so I should probably learn to lighten up a bit.
I really like the "not have to worry about it for 2 years" part of stocking up when prices are good. For just about everything I like to have a second full one on hand, even if the price isn't great. When bottle #1 is empty, I open bottle #2 and add the item to the shopping list.
I'm a "prepper" - so I have about 2 years worth of everything 🙂 🙂 🙂
Am assuming that your daughter is young. If you value helping with her education down the road, continuing on your current path will likely give you the means to support her choices when it comes to deciding on a path after high school. Moreover, you won't need to either saddle her with loans or mortgage your own retirement in order to do it. The deal we had with our son was that if he worked hard to get in (which he did!) he could pick the college. We started planning for it the day he was born, and consider ourselves lucky to be able to keep up our end of the bargain. Growing up he wore thrifted L.L Bean while his friends' families headed for Abercrombie. At 18 he doesn't hesitate to make Goodwill his first stop, often with friends in tow, when looking for a needed item of clothing. In the fall he'll be heading to the school of his choosing with no debt. It goes without saying that we'll be sending him off to his dorm with all that free laundry detergent that I too have stocked up over the years......
@Battra92,
Your little girl is so lucky to have you in her corner -- planning and thinking about her future and practically no debt. It doesn't sound like you spoil her ; it sounds like you are giving her a solid foundation in life, addressing her needs and wants in most reasonably.
When I wonder at people who have trouble doing things that are second nature to me (controlling spending is a good example) I substitute something that I'm not good at. Being patient with annoying relatives, for example. That really helps keep me off my high horse.
Yep-we all have strengths and weaknesses, and instead of comparing our strength to someone's weakness, it's more fair to compare our weakness to someone else's weakness.
Then we're more likely to see things realistically (we're all the same, in that we all have flaws!)
Beautifully put and a great reminder! As another fellow saver married to a spender, it can be easy to judge each other. But at the end of the day it's about being a kind person, not where you put your money.
My 88-year old in-laws are the epitome of frugality AND generosity. They have never had money to splash about but they have always made sure that their six children, many children and great grandchildren, (and lucky daughter-in-law) feel loved and appreciated. They truly value frugality and have always "made do". Relationships are more important than "stuff". In 40 years I have never heard them speak negatively about anyone or engage in malicious gossip. Don't get me wrong, they love to chat about other people...just never in a disparaging way. Their home is always full of friends and relatives who come to play cards, have a cup of tea or just chat. They are a joy to be with because they have the attitude that simply being with people you love is the most wonderful part of life. What a legacy!
I try really hard to find a balance between frugality and generosity. For example, most of my coworkers are married and have more disposable income than I do, so they're able to afford things like gifts for each other for Christmas, birthdays, special occasions, etc. I try hard to keep those items within my budget and purposely look for incredibly meaningful gifts for the person instead. I may spend less than they do, but I also know the gift will be truly appreciated. I was mildly embarrassed when one coworker asked where I bought the journal I got him for Christmas (he wanted to get a second one because he liked it so much), but I also knew that it meant he really appreciated it. When I told him it came from Half-Price Books, he just laughed and said he'd have to stop in there sometime. I have come to accept that I will always spend my money in a different way than others do, and there is nothing right or wrong about my choices or the choices others make. We all make our own decisions, and no one has the right to judge the way others decide to spend their own money.
Wow, how many of us here are savers married to spenders? Because I'm one of them, too. Like some others, I was raised in a household where money was always very, very tight and my husband and I went through some extremely lean years when starting out, continuing right up until our oldest was in high school. But, bless him, although he has been learning frugality, it didn't come naturally to him as it did to me, which caused quite a few disagreements over the years. As in Kristen's case, my husband's strengths include generosity, imagination and inspiration. Mine include frugality and practical thinking. He just this week gave away $30 or more of plants he was going to sell. It can drive me crazy, until I remember that people count more than my being overzealous with our pennies. I fight the urge to judge others for their financial choices all the time -- that's one of my weaknesses. Thanks, Kristen, for bringing all this up! I need to step back now and then and relax -- others may choose different money management options from mine, but my way is not always the right way.
I was raised by spenders and never had any trouble staying within my means. My parents are comfortably off now but when I think about what they did when I was a kid...! Within a 6 year period my dad started a business (there were already 2 small children in the family), put the kids in private school (public schools went from good to terrible very quickly), bought a house in a fancy neighborhood. Then came the unexpected medical problems: my mother was found to have late-stage cancer, then my sib was hit by a car that shattered the thigh bone (smithereens was the term the surgeon used), which took over 2 years to recover from. My sib is stubborn, too: that year of school was conducted from bed.
Even so, my parents spent freely. Less when I was very small but I didn't feel any lack. The most notable discretionary spending was travel. For years we stayed in dumps, but they were dumps in Tanzania. And I don't remember any frugal measures such as buying in bulk, couponing, or not using paper towels.
It all worked out for my parents: the business was a success, as was the next one, and they never really flamed out although there were some scares. But it easily could have come crashing down around us.
I shall have to talk with them about it sometime, get their perspective on their choices.
My parents were hoarders, clutching every penny tightly and saving every resource to the utmost, so I grew up with the attitude that waste was terrible and one should hang on to what one has. My husband was raised by parents who started out poor, but ended up being comfortable by the time he came along -- not wealthy, but quite comfortable-- and they spent and gave freely. Of course, when my father-in-law's health crashed, they were suddenly poor again, because they never saved that much. Even after seeing that, my husband still felt like more money was always going to be just around the next corner in our own financial dealings, and it took years of me working with him before he finally realized that sometimes, it isn't, so one needs to save. It also took him years to teach me not to freak out when he gave away something or spent a bit freely once in a while. For example, I once spent a hard-earned $90 on a long-desired gift for him that he soon gave away to a man he knew who'd gone through a terrible financial disaster not of his own making, and who was living out of his car because of it. I kept my mouth shut, with some effort, but I succeeded. My husband got his joy out of the present twice; once in getting it and again in giving it away.
That must have been really hard for you. Good for you for finding a way to be at peace with it.
That's actually a very lovely thought, that your gift gave your husband joy in the receiving and giving. I'd say it fulfilled it's purpose!
Probably your best column ever!
I agree! It's very thoughtful and generous.
This was a really, really good post.
It also prompted me to delete a sale email because I'll need to pay my dogwalker for next week and that's more important than a new suitcase when I have a duffle bag that'll work acceptably. (I have a coaching trip next week that is paid for, but my time is volunteer.)
Excellent post.
Thank you. That was beautiful.
I would also like to point out that frugality can be seen as a matter of white privilege. My husband and I are white and very frugal, having both been raised that way. We live in an area in which we are the racial minority, and have learned not to judge those around us who value money differently than we do.
People of color do not have the luxury of other people automatically assuming they are of middle class status based on their race. Instead, they are confronted with a default assumption that because of their skin color, they are poor. There is more potential for shame in their outward signals of class--cars, clothes, and other depreciating assets that frugal people tend to devalue (my husband and I drive very old, dilapidated cars, for example, despite the fact that we could afford much nicer ones) are very important to people trying to signal to the world that contrary to assumptions, they, themselves are NOT poor and not to be seen as second-class citizens.
I am still treated with respect by almost everyone if I wear second-hand clothes and old shoes. This is not the case for people of color in many situations. This is not to say that frugal people of color do not exist (they definitely do!) only that they are swimming against powerful currents of cultural expectations and assumptions in order to be that way.
This is why I stopped judging the people in my neighborhood and at my job for driving very expensive cars and wearing very expensive clothes, despite usually not having the money to do these things without sacrificing other things. There are highly complex motivating forces at work in our decisions. My husband and I teach a Dave Ramsey class at our church and are continually learning to be as sensitive as we can to the money priorities of others, because we have come to understand that because of factors for which we can take no credit (our race and economic class), have it very easy when it comes to being frugal.
Such good points. It's way more complicated than, "Oh, hey, there's ghetto economics at work!"
"People of color do not have the luxury of other people automatically assuming they are of middle class status based on their race. Instead, they are confronted with a default assumption that because of their skin color, they are poor."
It sounds crazy to say that frugality is a matter of privilege, then you go and back it up so well.
And what you say is very, very true. If it's not spending, it's something else - think of Henry Higgins pointing out that upper class and lower class Englishmen all have sloppy pronunciation, while the middle classes have to be careful, lest they be mistaken for poor.
Nor is it about merely showing off. What others think of you, affects how they treat you. That leads to tangible and material differences in outcomes. A person who seems well off or well educated can get leniency that someone who seems to be neither, cannot. This can be a free bus trip, getting the occasional bank fee waived, a cop letting you go with a warning.
Alexandra:
Your comments stopped me dead in my tracks! Haven't really realized that.
This is so insightful. We moved to such a neighborhood a couple of years ago and this was one of the things that baffled us completely about the our new neighbors. Thank you for bringing this up and opening my eyes!
I *never* comment on blogs (shame on me). I live in a very 'white' part of England. This comment was one of the most illuminating things I have read in many years. Thank you for taking the time to write it Alexandra and thanks, as always, Kristen for stimulating the conversation.
What a timely insight for me. I was just reading Peggy McIntosh's essay about unacknowleged white privilege (the essay is almost 30 years old): "I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group." Thanks for illuminating this example of white privilege in the area of frugality, super thought-provoking.
@Alexandra Taylor, all very true. I work in a very urban poverty school district. My students tend to have very expensive clothes and shoes. I do not judge. It matters to them.
This non judgement did not immediately happen. I had to learn. The way that you explained this was so good! Thank you!
@Alexandra Taylor,
Thank you for pointing out how complicated this whole issue can be. I really hadn't thought in quite these terms -- the "factors for which we can take no credit (our race and economic class). Wow, thank you
@Alexandra Taylor, Thank you for this thought-provoking comment. You have helped to further my education and thinking.
I love the message here and I have learned from it. I am going to try to look more for the good in people instead of focusing on what I think to be flaws. The negativity that comes with being judgey creates a veil of sadness that covers joy available to us all if we will just let it go, thanks Kristen!
You are so smart 🙂 After 38 years in the helping professions (some years with criminals and very damaged people), I have learned that respect and empathy trump judgment every time. Maybe people will change, maybe they won't. But no one ever changed because I looked down on them.
Vicki, "No one ever changed because I looked down on them," is going to be part of my self-awareness mantra! Thank you!
@Anne, Me too!
Great article, thanks.
I am naturally frugal but also relatively generous. I have been on the receiving end of many generous people over the years, and I do my best to pass it forward. A person can be generous in many ways: money, time, assistance, a listening ear....
As for not being judgmental, well, I'm pretty judgmental inside my head. I realize people have the right to live the way they choose. Everyone has different talents and different capabilities, and it is my job to respect their decisions. However, there are times this is rather challenging. I have a family member that has never lived within her means. She went through foreclosure and bankruptcy several years ago, and is now deeply in debt once again. I care deeply about this person, but I have to take a deep breath and bite my tongue when I spend time with her. I do my best to show her support and not pass judgment. I want to be there for her emotionally if she needs me. But, yeah, I don't agree with her financial decisions.
I think what you area doing is great and your husband kind of balances it all out. Being frugal to me is more of a way of life. Once your head is in the right frame of my mind, it then just comes naturally like it does for you. 🙂
I wasn't generous or gracious in my younger years. Very much a hoarder of what I had and very judgmental about why others had less (stupid decisions, etc). But having seen what so many good, hardworking people lost during the mortgage crisis of 2008ish, that was a huge wake up call that financial devastation can happen to anyone - even well educated, hard working, honest people (like me!).
Just last week I was packing up food for the Boy Scounts food pantry drive and my husband asked, "Why do you buy all that food then give it all away?" Well, because I CAN. It's a blessing to have a pantry full of food and now we can be a blessing to someone who doesn't have the consumer choices that I we have.
Thank you so much for this post. It echoes much of what I have been thinking about lately. I am one of those natural savers, it is just who I am. It is such an easy thing for me to do. I do belong to a group on Facebook and lately there seems like there is such a nastiness on there, an I am better than you and a blatant taking advantage of others to save money attitude. I am okay with being frugal where money is concerned but think we need to have a generosity of spirit and a little respect for others. Thank you for this.
So well said. I would also add that the opposite of being a saver isn't necessarily being a spender but being a risk-taker, which is an important virtue too. My husband and I run a small design firm. We're both savers, which is a good thing on one hand--we've got lots of cash. But on the other hand we want to grow, which requires taking risks. Sticking our necks out--signing a lease on a really cool studio, making our next hire--is tough when you view the world through a frugal lens. If a spender can learn to save a bit more maybe we can learn to take risks.
I wish the Golden Rule was infused in every action or thought we had. Then it would be a much better life for ourselves and those around us. My home is frugal because after years of not finding work, we have come across hard times. We border the poverty level. So I read blogs like Kristen's for recipe stretchers, homemade and healthy things and ways to save money. I love the "Five Frugal Things" list! I have done well the last year and a half by reading other people's ideas and doing lots of creative things. Sure, the kids tell me,"Mom, we only get presents for special occasions. Like a birthday or Christmas. My friends get them all the time from their parents." It can be upsetting to hear that but we have no choice. I hope they realize that as they get older. I enjoy this blog and feel like everyone here is welcoming.
My kids only get presents for special occasions too. So, you can tell your kids that they're not alone. 🙂
Same here! Other than birthdays and Christmas things our children want have to come from their own work of some kind. We are very comfortable on my husband's salary but honestly - I don't want my children to know that yet! It is hard not to give our kids things but in the long run I bet they will be more creative and motivated for it ( I hope 🙂
Only getting presents for special occasions is good for them. They appreciate the gift more and are learning about delayed gratification.
My son's closest friend gets everything he wants, whenever he wants it and all of my boys recognize that while that would certainly be cool it is also true that that boy is not happier for it. In fact, he is quite unhappy and can be demanding of his parents and very unpleasant. Weirdly, this has never bled over to his friendship with our son. In the 6 years they have known one another he has learned more and more to be kind and respectful to my son. I imagine because that is how my son has always treated him! Still, it is good object lesson for my boys that more stuff doesn't translate directly to more happiness.
Beautifully said.
Thank you for this reminder. I have to constantly fight my judgementalness, so it is good to be reminded that an ability to be frugal is not the top or only virtue. (And that our bad points are often our good points taken to extreme!)
This post reminded me of another blog post I read this morning. Just the last paragraph. The writer (Leo Babauta) had come across a blog post criticizing his blog and then read the comments section. Suffice to say, he had a bad day! I'm extremely thankful for blogs like yours which neither encourage nor incite negativity. I look back on your post about how you always seem so happy, when it is not alwys the case, because who wants to read about the bad when the good can do good. Anyway, just wanted to thank you for another beautiful blog post ♥
Your article is so timely for me today. I was just doing this exact type of judging this morning about my sister who I am financially concerned about. Wow, I really had better to remember to be humble and loving when I approach her instead of judgmental. Thank you Kristen
I am a natural spender who has learned to save and it's still hard for me although it has gotten a little easier over the years. When I first got control of my budget it was such an epiphany! I wanted all my spender friends to join my newfound cult of frugality and intentionality. But of course, that doesn't work. I realized how bad/judged I must have made my friends feel when I was having lunch with a friend recently. She said, "I told my mom you were going to be mad at me for buying a new (used) car."
What? Turns out she thought I would be mad at her for taking out a car loan. Ouch. Taking on new debt is not for me anymore, but neither is judging other people for having it.
Lorraine - my husband and I were exactly the same after we finished the Dave Ramsey FPU course. We were like "Come join us! It's great over here! You HAVE to do it this way!"
Yep. We paid off nearly 50k in debt and then our house. Now we focus on maintaining a large emergency fund and building our investments, a little at a time but doggedly.
It is hard to watch our friends buy everything they want, have debt on everything imaginable and complain that they don't make enough/are broke/can't save or invest when they make 4 or 5 times what we make. It challenges me every day to keep my mouth shut. I don't mind what they do financially but don't complain about it, for goodness sake!
They don't want advice, though. They like their path that is headed straight to nowhere. That path is littered with new cars, new furniture, new clothes...etc. Our path has wealth and security but it involves secondhand stores, shopping sales, Craigslist furniture and sacrificing short term to start our small business that is already providing a comfortable income (for us, anyway. Debt free status means you can make so. much. less.) after only two years in operation.
You might consider asking them to either 1) work on changing their choices or 2) stop complaining about the outcomes of their choices.
This would mean that you're shifting from "friend who is listening" mode to "giver of advice mode." Only you can decide if you want to do that. Whatever you decide, I can see why it's driving you nuts. It would drive me nuts, too. Being a good listener a few times is fine but one's patience can run out.
Long ago I decided that it made the most sense to do neither of those things. Being the "friend who is listening" is the way I will have to go. Their choices are their choices and it is up to me to learn to be humble enough to recognize that while it is frustrating to ME to listen to their money dramas, I surely do something (or multiple things) that frustrate them and they are kind enough to not make an issue of it. It is only to like-minded people that I would even mention that is bothers me. Plus...y'all don't know them so they will not be hurt by my little bit of venting. 😉
Our life looks simple and plain next to theirs but we have peace and some sense of financial security. I know which path is the best for me and that is enough.
@chris,
Congratulations on your business! All that stuff piling up is nothing compared to establishing your security for years to come 🙂
I heart everything about this post!
As much as I wish I was, I am not a natural saver. It is like swimming upstream! Food is my biggest downfall - so much of the time I take the easy way out by ordering takeout, or buying stuff like frozen brown rice when I could save money by making it myself.
Thank you so much for putting the idea out there, about people not being motivated by judgement. Whenever there is a society-wide discussion of some moral conundrum, it baffles me to see all of the hateful comments, and I can't help but wonder what they think they're accomplishing. No one has ever said, " Oh that stranger on the Internet called me a bigot and then I completely changed my mind!" Compassion is what comes to mind when I think on these things - very few situations are not benefited by it!
Beautifully written
Kristen - your bolded points throughout this post spoke to my heart. Is it weird to know that you are truly a good person without ever meeting you? Thank you for showing us the world through your eyes. Every post on your blog has influenced me in some way or another whether it be by giving me an idea, inspiration, motivation, or something to reflect on. Thank you for taking the time to write your posts for all of us to see!
Aww, I am so encouraged to hear that my posts have been really helpful to you! Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me that.
Great post!
I am not a material person so family is what it is all about for me.
This is awesome! I am not a natural saver, but I am working on it;) Thanks for the encouragement!
Wonderful blog post. I find your blog to be a stress-reliever, as it always has such a tone of kindness.
I am not naturally frugal, but required to be by circumstances. I sometimes think: "How do other people in my circumstances do it every day??" I found your blog post very freeing. I never realized someone could be naturally frugal, so that you don't find it extremely difficult each day. I think I'll possibly be a little kinder to myself going forward, recognizing that I'm working hard (and making progress) at being frugal, but I have a harder time at it than people for whom it comes naturally.
BTW, we have absolutely loved every recipe we have tried from your blog. I haven't found any other blog where that is the case, so I think we might have similar palates. It's easier to find the energy to cook after a long day when the results are so delicious 🙂
Thank you for all the time you put into your blog!
I'm so glad this post was helpful for you. And yay, that's awesome that the recipes I post have been working out well. Sweet.
I second the comment about the recipes! My sister and I both adore them and share our successes with eachother! Your blog has been a fun way connect. We've tried numerous ones and are always been well pleased. I love the shrimp Viennese and cilantro lime kabobs best, she loves your chocolate pudding and fish tacos. Hands down we both love your rolls and get special requests for them.
I just want to reiterate the other comments: this was a timely and helpful blog post for me. I have been blessed financially (much of it through the generosity of my family) and am naturally a saver. I too can readily judge others that don't seem to spend within their means.
Also, the comment about frugality being a white privilege was eye-opening. I had not ever seen it in that manner.
Thank you for this post. My favorite part about it is that it applies to more than just frugality, but to every attribute and/or virtue out there. These principles are applicable to life in general. Thanks for the gentle reminder. 🙂
In regards to the finances aspect, a scriptural reference from the Book of Mormon that has great meaning to me (Mosiah 4:17-19) comes to mind: "Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself this misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give into him of my food, nor impart unto him my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just- But I say into you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same has great cause to repent... behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend on the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have?"
There's a saying I heard from another personal finance blogger who said that frugality is saving money in a smart way and enhancing quality of life through lack of spending on material goods. Being cheap is making others feel uncomfortable and going out of your way to make them feel awkward. I thought it was a nice definition.
That's interesting food for thought. I think I really like it but want to chew it over some more and give it some earnest thought. I agree people that are often labeled as "cheap" often make others feel judged or uncomfortable, but I don't know if it's always an intentional thing. If it is always intentional, it may not always be done with ill intent as this definition seems to imply. Nonetheless, I like this comment and thought because it gets my mind spinning, particularly on what behaviors or actions we (or I) may do that can cause discomfort for others.
I am continually impressed by your grace and personal perspectives on human interaction and how we view others. I struggle terribly with frugality, waste and planning. While raised Catholic, I am not religious. I have no kids, I hate shopping at second hand stores (it feels like so much work for what always ends up as ill-fitting clothes), and we eat out more than we cook at home.
Yet, I look forward to every post you publish. I love your words and your attitude and I've picked up so many tiny tips that have had a great, positive impact on my life. But mostly, I find posts like this to be perfectly refreshing in the face of a completely negative (Internet) world.
Thank you. Thank you for remind us constantly that we are all human, we are all in this together.
Lovely as always, Kristen. I'm a natural spender and I'm known to be generous. I particularly love to buy people ridiculous, extravagant gifts. It's hard for me to rein myself in.
This is fab. "And here’s another thing: we don’t deserve a lot of credit for what comes naturally to us."
Signing off and hoping not to get blown away in a hurricane, ha!
Yes. Yes I did buy my four year old daughter a full size antique English rocking horse and have it shipped over from England. Speaking of ridiculously generous gifts. I don't think I quite realized then that I would then have this giant thing forever in my life and my house. Ha! (Please get married and have children, Daughter. So I can get rid of the horse.)
Thank you for this reminder. Just this week I was mentally yelling at my brother for spending money on ridiculously priced furniture (really, hand made kitchen cabinets that cost $10,000?) and appliances and as a result not having the money for a root canal. I console myself that years ago I would have lectured him in person instead of just in my mind.
@Lindsey, our brothers may be cut from the same cloth. He has gone without dental work and prescription glasses due to expensive hobbies. I bite my tongue and pray that some day he'll grow up.
Excellent post, this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, in all areas of life.
I try to remind myself that everyone is doing their best, and that means their best for them given their genetics, life experiences, etc it doesn’t mean the best by my own standards. There was a time where one of my sisters was making some choices I didn’t agree with and I had the hardest time not judging, I told myself we have the same parents and were raised the same, how can she be doing this when I wouldn’t! But that was a very narrow view, even siblings have very different life experiences. I can even see it now with my two kids, the baby is already having very different experiences than her older brother just by virtue of having an older sibling, which he doesn’t have!
Thank you too for your positivity and the commenters positivity!
I love this post!
This. Right here. This is beautiful and oh so true.
Well said!
Just an unrelated observation and FYI. Recently, viewing the comments has become wonky. They're not appearing below your post. I scroll to the top, hit "Comments", and that opens up a text box to write, but I still can't see anyone else's comments. After doing this three times today, I thought perhaps it's a bug I should tell you about.
And, the pop-up ads a have become so big I can only see half of the box. In fact, while I was proofing/correcting this post, pop-ups appeared in the field twice, redirecting me to ads for spendy things like a new Chevy truck, which is both maddening and funny, sort of.
Oh no! What ads are popping up? I shouldn't have anything popping up after the initial page load.
Can you send me a screenshot of what you're seeing with the ads?
Also, can you send me a screenshot of what you see with no comments appearing? Then I can submit a ticket. Does this happen all the time? Also, when you email me, can you include which browser and device you're using? Thank you so much!
You said it perfectly! My husband and I make a wonderful spending/saving/giving balance. Without him, I would become so miserly. It has taken me many years (and I still mess up) to not get after him for wanting to donate or give a larger than normal tip to a waitress or beautician. Shame on me! God knew what he was doing when he brought us together.
Thank you -- I needed to hear this! And I love your honesty and generous attitude -- Support trumps Critique every time. And maybe extend this attitude to our own selves -- applauding our own best efforts and not beating ourselves up for every slip up -- encouraging instead of berating ourselves. And enjoying our little treats as they come. Looking at you, Haagen-Daz.
Love this!
As usual, I'm very late to the party on this one--but it is absolutely spot on, as the Brits say. Kudos beyond measure to you and your DH.