Monday Q&A | Cheerful, Prompt Obedience, Store-brands, and Product Parties
Every Monday, I answer a few of the questions that my readers send me. If you have a question you'd like me to answer in a future Q&A post, just leave me a comment here or email me (thefrugalgirl [at] gmail [dot] com) and put Q&A in the subject line. I look forward to hearing from you!
Last week in your Q&A you said when your children were young you focused on having them obey you quickly and cheerfully (or something like that).
Could you elaborate on how you do that? I have a two year old who for whom I need tips!!
-Laura
Sure! Mr. FG and I have not executed this perfectly but it has been a large focus of ours because we think it's really, really important for children to learn to obey their parents. I especially think that prompt obedience is important for a child's safety (for instance, if a child is running toward a street full of cars, he'll be in much better shape if he obeys right away than if he obeys later). And obedience is such a great life skill because all through life we have to obey people in authority, even when we don't really want to do what they ask us to do (I'm thinking of teachers, college professors, bosses, and the government, to name a few.).
(of course, adults need to combine obedience with independent thinking and that sort of thing should be encouraged in our children, especially as they grow older and older. But we're talking about 2 year olds here, and 2 year olds just need to stop in their tracks when they're running toward the road!)
There are 3 main ways we teach prompt, cheerful obedience.
1) We give positive reinforcement in the way of encouraging words when our children obey promptly and cheerfully.
2) We apply negative consequences when they don't obey promptly and cheerfully. Consistency is THE key here. When you're just starting out with this, it might seem like you'll do nothing all day except deal with this issue, but if you hang in there, your kids will start to get the message. Whatever consequence you choose, apply it consistently.
3) We remind them ahead of time what we expect of them. For instance, if I'm going to ask Zoe to do something I know she doesn't like to do, I might say something like, "Zoe, I'm going to ask you to do something and I want you to obey right away and cheerfully, ok?".
Along those same lines, I often offer sympathy to my kids because I know what it feels like to have to obey when you don't want to. For instance, I don't feel like obeying when the government tells me to drive 20 miles an hour, but I need to do that because I love God (Romans 13 directs me to obey the governing authorities except if they tell me to sin, and driving 20 miles an hour is painful, but not sinful.). That kind of hearkens back to what I was saying last week about being humble enough to empathize with our kids. Mr. FG and I struggle to obey just like our kids do...we're all in this fight together, so as we teach them obey, we hopefully aren't doing it with an, "I'm better than you and I can't understand why you don't just obey!" sort of attitude.
Parenting is such an enormous topic, and there's so much more I could say (like that firm, consistent discipline works best in a home where there's also consistent affection and warmth, that parental patience is essential, that consistent discipline and training is much more beneficial to children than yelling, etc). But I'm not a parenting expert, and I don't expertly apply all the parenting principles I believe in, so I'll just leave it at that!
I noticed in the most recent picture of your groceries that you don't buy store-brand items (I saw Corn Chex, root beer, etc.). Does your store not offer their own brand? or are you not satisfied with the quality? I know buying store-brand items saves my family a lot of money, and I was just curious. Although, I do live in the region with HEB stores, and I understand that not all store brands are as good as the HEB ones 🙂
-Kim
This question actually made me giggle when I read it because on the whole, I buy way, way, way more store-brand items than name-brand items. This has been especially true since I started shopping at Aldi, because Aldi carries almost nothing but store-brand items.
I do still buy some name-brand items when the circumstances are right, and you saw two of those instances in that grocery picture.
Sometimes name-brands are cheaper than the store-brands (this was the case with the root beer...it was on sale and was cheaper than the Weis brand). And sometimes, name-brands just taste better (this is the case with Ritz crackers...we've tried zillions of off-brand version and none have been good!).
So, although you may see some name-brand items in my grocery photos, I am definitely a huge fan of generic products and I strongly encourage my readers to give them a try. Most generic products offer a money-back guarantee or better, so buying them is very not risky.
How do you handle invites to parties that sell products such as Cabi, Pampered Chef, Jewelry, etc. when you are on a frugal budget?
-Jackie.
This is one of those questions that I'm going to have to throw out to my readers, because I rarely receive invitations like this. I must not tend to be friends with salespeople or something because I think I've gotten exactly 3 invitations to product parties in my lifetime and they were all Pampered Chef parties. I went to one in my teens and bought a few products, but I was unable to attend the other two because of scheduling problems.
If I went to one now, I'd probably keep any upcoming gift-giving needs in mind and if I saw a good deal on something, I'd buy it (that way the money would come from my gift-giving budget). I wouldn't really feel obligated to buy, though, and hopefully the friend throwing the party wouldn't expect me to buy something I didn't want or that would blow my budget.
If you're the sort of person who struggles with self-control at this kind of party, though, I would just send your polite regrets. No party is worth wrecking your finances over!
Readers, have at it! How do you handle product party invitations? And if you've got thoughts on the store brand or obedience fronts, I'd love to hear those too.
Today's 365 post: Sisters (and I have a problem)
I solve the product party problem by hosting it! 🙂 Ok, just for Tupperware. I looooove Tupperware. When you get a certain number of sales then you get some free product, the hostess usually gets free stuff too, and I generally only host if I have saved up to buy some product I need (or want).
It depends on the party. I don't generally mind Pampered Chef, because they have a wide variety of products at a wide variety of prices, and their products are generally pretty useful. I cam out of my last party with a new pearing knife, an orange peeler and one other random item. My total was under $15. On the other hand, I was invited some sort of candle-like party recently and in order to use any of their low priced scents, you had to buy a "system" in which to use it. Normally I would have declined this invite, but it was a close friend, so I offered to help set up/tear down in lieu of spending $30+ on something I didn't want anyhow.
I do feel that if I'm not likely to purchase anything (or it's not in my budget) then I should decline the invitation or offer to help the host prepare in some way. At the end of the day, the sales reps are using this opportunity to make money and if you were purely invited for social reasons, then making plans to meet up with the host at another time is a better idea for me.
I agree with Lisa's point: "the sales reps are using this opportunity to make money and if you were purely invited for social reasons, then making plans to meet up with the host at another time is a better idea for me." I have very much found this to be the case!
My fiancee had a Pampered Chef party and while the quality of their products are high, I didn't find their prices to be all that great. That said, she got a lot of free items because her more affluent friends were all nuts about purchasing the latest unitasker or gimmicky kitchen item.
Also there is vastly more evidence of the lost civilization of Atlantis than there is of a store brand Ritz cracker tasting anything like the real thing.
I just went to a friend's party last week. I went with cash($5) and planned to buy a small sample-type item (I have no problem saying no to a party where I know everything will be out of my price-range. Then I made a list of other, less frugal, items that I would like and take a business card. This makes an easy gift giving list for my husband (or he can pass it to his or my parents).
Over the years, I have been invited to many, many home parties for various products. Although in the past I always bought something, I no longer do. If I have money in my free spending category from our budget, I will buy only if I find something that I like, that will be useful for me. If I have no intention of purchasing anything, I let the hostess know that I won't be coming. Only once did a hostess say that it didn't matter to her if I bought anything or not, she just wanted me there.
I actually enjoy the at home parties. I like the idea of supporting a stay at home mom rather than a big box store. I rarely shop, but enjoy attending partylite and Pampered Chef. Again you only go if it is in your budget...and I budget for candles 🙂
As for the disipline, it really depends on your child's personality. I believe that toddlers get to make choices too. Lots of choices unless like you say in a safety situation though most parents outline situations and consequences of safety before they happen. Even then lots of parents differ on what is considered "safe"
Being firm and consistent is the only way to get children to follow directions..but sometimes parents mix up firm with yelling, and penalties for behavior that aren't congruent with the negative behavior.
My children are allowed to say no thank you to a task they don't feel like accomplishing right away, but they need to give a timeline of when they are going to do it or I will set one out for them. Sometimes/rarely I have to let them know that it is not up for discussion and I am telling them not asking them. I do this for my husband and I want to teach my children that although I may be the parent I will respect them and their decisions as they should mine.
I totally agree about the yelling...I want to be, as Maria from The Sound of Music says, "firm but kind".
Our kids are allowed to ask if they can complete a task at a different time,("Can I finish my drawing first?"), but ultimately, our decision as parents is what stands. It's sort of like how things go at work...if your boss asks you to do something, you can appeal for something different, but if the boss insists, you have to do what the boss says. 🙂
We apply the same general approach to discipline in our home. Consistency truly is key in all aspects. Praise for positive behavior is every bit as important as the loss of a privilege or time out (or whatever the consequence might be). And it sounds easy to do it calmly and patiently, but I have to say that daily, sometimes hourly, prayers for patience are needed for me because I am generally not a patient person (it's getting easier though). The important thing is to remember that we are all human and we need to treat each other, even young people, with respect and compassion.
As for those parties...they have a tendency to stir up discontent and jealousy in my heart and they also make me want things I don't need...so I just don't go.
Oh, I know! Patience is so hard. so SO hard.
I find that I am more likely to be patient when I avoid my lazy temptation to put off dealing with a problem....when a child has done the same wrong thing 8 times in a row, it's much harder to be patient than it is after they've only done it one time.
Parenting is awfully good for revealing my faults...impatience and laziness are just two!
I consider these parties to be commercial events, even if hosted by a friend, and I treat it as such. I go if I think I might want to buy something (unless the person just wants me or even another warm body at the event). Only once have I bought something on impulse; it didn't break my budget but I didn't like the book. Had I looked it over more carefully I would have reached a better decision. Lesson learned.
I had a tricky situation once. I told my coworker who did Pampered Chef to tell me if PC ever had lidded glass mixing bowls. Instead of telling me about them, she bought them instead. I was in a hard place: on the one hand the bowls were too expensive and I had not told her I would buy them. On the other I didn't want to come down hard or put her in a bad situation. I decided if she sent me another email I would have to turn her down (the bowls were too expensive) and if she pressed I'd have to explain that I had not, in fact, authorized her to buy the bowls for me. She didn't send another email, so in this case, least said soonest mended.
Kristen, I think you should write a parenting book. Heaven knows, I've learned just as much from you in my few vists than my own mother, sister in laws, and expierence combined.
I know that the hostess is trying to earn a free item. For that reason, should I choose to go, I buy something small. Maybe a gift for someone.
I was just recently invited to a jewelry party. Since I don't wear jewelry {beyond a cross and wedding rings}, and my gift budget was spent for the month, I told the hostess that I just didn't have anything left in the budget for shopping. She smiled and said that she totally understands. {I was trying to come up with an excuse, but was glad I told the truth}
I usually go to parties if the person selling the product is trying to keep body and soul together; this is her contribution to her family. Purchasing something is another matter. I determine whether or not I can use any of the products; if so, I purchase.
We live on a budget; if I have budgeted money for items, I buy. If I have no money, I don't buy.
My latest party was Pampered Chef. I purchased a "ricer". Ou dog is allergic to commercial dog food. His basic ingredient for dinner is rice. The PC ricer is a handy way to cook rice a couple times a week for him (in the microwave).
I'm with FG, I must have a different set of friends! None of us host these sales so none of us have to go to them. One of the office workers at my dentist sells Pampered Chef and is allowed to leave her catalogs in the waiting room there, so I've looked at them while I wait. Not a lot that appeals to me since I don't trade dishes out for the holidays or have a bunch of ktichen items that only do one thing.
Store brands: I know Kroger has a policy that if you are unhappy with the store brand for any reason, you can return it and get the name brand for free. What other stores have that or a similar policy?
parties: I tend not to go, but I really do like pampered chef. I have a few products that I use every day that were very inexpensive. (Both were gifts from a friend who sells it--she probably got them for free or at a steep discount. You can get great discounts for hosting, also can get free things that way.)
obedience: Another great thing to teach, either directly or indirectly, is that you don't always have to know WHY before you obey. Case in point, speed limits. When I first started driving, I would go over the speed limit pretty often, at least a few miles. I got a ticket, and then had to do driving school on line. I learned through that course that there are very very good reasons to obey the speed limits. True, sometimes there are ridiculous rules out there, but most of the time, the authorities have set rules based on research. If you find yourself in a situation where it does not make sense to follow the rules, try to see if there is a way for you to get out of that situation. (For example, if your workplace has crazy rules that seem meaningless, that may say a lot about the administration there and you may need to look into finding another place to work. But don't disobey until you do.)
I don't mind home parties when there's no additional pressure exerted on you to make a purchase, even though it's generally understood/expected. I also keep my budget in mind and mainly buy gifts for others at those sorts of events. Like Erin said above, I'd rather support a local seller (or even a seller on etsy, etc) than a big box store, so using those events as gift-buying opportunities takes care of a trifecta: socializing, gift-buying, and avoiding mass chains.
Kristen (or readers!), have you ever tried making crackers from scratch?
I just found a new-to-me recipe for them, and I've been itching to try them. Anyone have experience with that?
I wish I weren't invited to so many shopping parties. I used to go to them because it was my friends who were hosting them, but I soon realized that there was nothing I needed at them--but was always feeling the pressure to at least buy *something,* which would cause me to try to find the most useful thing in the catalog at the most reasonable price. Once I realized that I don't need more stuff, I decided to not go at all unless I have something in mind *beforehand* that I'd like to purchase. Normally, this is not the case. So when my friends invite (of course with the caveat, "You don't have to buy anything!"), I just politely decline and leave it at that.
I respond this way to any invite type parties- I say- thank you for the invitation and for thinking of me, but I generally don't attend these types of parties. if you'd like to send me a catalog, I can go through it and I'll let you know if i'm in need of anything. It's never been a problem- for me. I hate being invited to a party with the host expecting me to buy something, it's just plain rude!
I really couldn't even begin to give my take on discipline, consistency, and obeying cheerfully! I raised 5 girls and all i could do was the best I could do that particular day!
I actually am having some obedience trouble with my 2 year old. The one where I am afraid that he could endanger himself from not listening. I've talked about it with a Christian Neurodevelopmental specialist and she gave me some simple obedience activities to kind of ingrain it into his mind. One thing I do is sort of play a game with him, but for a solid 5 or more minutes. Where I tell him to touch his toes, his nose, his ears, sit down, stand up, etc. If he doesn't do it, I lovingly and firmly help him. After each direction, whether helping him or not I praise him. This repetitive pattern is supposed to help. Another thing I do is tie a long playsilk around his waist and tell him to come to me and start reeling him in quickly. This is actually a ton of fun & its teaching him to come immediately.
I just wanted to let you know how much I adore your blog! I have been following for awhile now, and it's always so refreshing to read. I'm not sure if you care, but I nominated you for a "One Lovely Blog Award!" It's always nice to be appreciated, and I do appreciate your blog and the time you put into it! Thanks! You can check out the award here:
http://iwashyoudry.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-got-award.html
Usually, I handle invitations to those types of parties exactly as you said and politely decline. I get invited to quite a few of them and usually feel obligated to buy something (not due to pressure from the hostess or consultant just myself) The majority of the time when I do buy something from such parties I tend to shove it in a drawer/cabinet/closet somewhere and forget about it. If I know I don't need or really have a strong desire for the type of product they are selling I won't attend. I have a good friend who recently became a consultant for Thirty One. She has invited me to parties (and they do have some cute things) but I don't need a new tote, handbag etc so I have steered clear til now. I have browsed her catalogs and website and found a few things I would like but know i don't need or really have the money for right now. If I was at a party I would most likely end up buying them anyways. It's much easier for me to resist the temptation when I am looking at a catalog or looking at a website. I tend to say "I am sorry I can't attend your party but do you have a catalog or website that i can look at. If I ever want to purchase something I will let you know." I also have a good excuse not to attend parties right now with my husband living in a different state and 4 kids to take care of 😉
Thanks for posting my question, Kristen! My two year old was adopted from Ethiopia at 21 months old (she's 28 mo. now) so I am dealing with a few issues unique to her situation. She is a child who is extremely curious about all the new things to explore, she's still acquiring English, she's still learning that it's ok to run and scream on a playground but not in CVS and she's two! Talk about challenging!
I have had all kinds of advice from doing nothing to corporal punishment. It's especially hard since I adopted as a single parent so the decision on how to discipline is all mine.
As you can see I am looking everywhere for advice! I try to use your tips on saving money quite a bit but also appreciate your input on parenting.
Thanks.