Meet a Reader | Danielle from NC
Hello! If you like cats, you are gonna love today's Meet a Reader post, because it's chock full of cats. 😉 Danielle owns six cats, she's left a cult, she met her husband online, and she said my posts have helped her develop a Best, Better, Good system instead of a Pass/Fail system.
Here's Danielle!
1. Tell us a little about yourself
I’m 41 years old and live in the mountains of western North Carolina with my husband, Nick. We’ve chosen not to have children, but we have six cats. We’re coming up on our 15th anniversary this year.
We met on e-Harmony; I gave it a try after my aunt met her husband that way, and Nick gave it a try after his mom met his stepdad that way.
My aunt and uncle will celebrate sixteen years this year, and Nick’s mom and stepdad will celebrate seventeen years. And we all had September weddings.
I lived in the upstate of South Carolina when we met, but Nick has lived in this area his entire life and didn’t want to move, so I was the one to move. It took me some time to adjust to the move, but I really like it here now.
Nick works in a branch of the emergency services and was a volunteer firefighter for over 20 years. I work for the state as a research assistant in a criminal justice system adjacent field.
I love cats, flowers, candles, butterflies, lots of color, and cozy things. My hobbies are cooking, baking, crocheting, photography, reading, and writing. I hope to publish a cookbook and a novel someday.
I have a blog, Sweet Tea Reads, but I’m not great at posting as regularly as I should. I also volunteer with Chemo Angels and Senior Angels.
We both enjoy board games and love to have people over to dinner and game nights. Like Kristen, we’re both left-handed. I cannot seem to learn how to do anything intricate from a right-handed person.
I’ve learned to crochet from left-handed tutorials on YouTube since I don’t know anyone in person who is left-handed and crochets.
I grew up in what I now know is a cult. My sister and I both left by the time we were in our early 20s and began to have serious doubts even before then, but my parents are still in it. Obviously, that makes our relationship with our parents very complicated.
The cult believes in spending as much time as possible in actively trying to convert others, so higher education is frowned upon, especially for women, and there’s a prevailing belief that you shouldn’t worry much about getting a good-paying job or saving money for the future because the world is going to end “very soon.”
I was hesitant to mention this because I feel a lot of shame about the beliefs I once held, but the experiences of growing up in that and leaving it have definitely shaped my views on money.
2. How long have you been reading The Frugal Girl?
I started reading regularly in 2016. I was looking for information about meal planning and found it that way.
3. How did you get interested in saving money?
We both have jobs that will never be very high paying, but we love them and feel good about what we do.
I don’t like the idea of having to give up a job I love because I spent too much money. I took a pay cut in 2019 to take my current job, and I’m so glad we were in a position for me to do that. I love what I do now, and I’m much happier than I was before.
We both also had childhoods that really impacted our views on money and stability.
4. What's the "why" behind your money-saving efforts?
In one sentence, it would be not wanting to end up like my parents.
Nick and I both grew up in financially unstable homes, and there was always an undercurrent of extreme stress and anxiety. We both experienced enough worry about losing our homes, utilities being turned off, and overdrawn checking accounts as children to last a lifetime. Neither one of us want that in our life as adults.
I have very vivid childhood memories of my parents spending like mad on payday (shopping sprees, going out to eat, etc.) but then a week or two later seeing bad checks my parents had written taped up at businesses, scrounging around for change to pay for basic groceries, and getting showers at my grandmother’s house because the power and/or water were turned off at home. I don’t want to live like that.
We also have some friends who’ve made incredibly responsible financial decisions, and seeing the freedom they have has been very inspiring.
One great thing about both of our jobs is that they have a good retirement. It’s not something that will make you rich, but it’s very stable, which is extremely important to both of us.
We’ve both worked with people who are 10-20 years ahead of us in age/retirement, and the ones who’ve made frugal choices and enjoy retirement have given us something to aspire to. They’ve proven to us that people in our position can do it.
5. What's your best frugal win?
Our house.
We weren’t able to buy at the time of the 2008 housing crash, but we bought in 2010 when prices were still relatively low. We also spent half of what the bank said we could afford.
Our house is on the small side at 900 square feet, which is plenty for us and our cats, so we have no plans to move. Our area is expensive, and smaller homes like ours aren’t necessarily the norm, so buying where we did when we did, turned out to be a great move.
Things were really tight the first couple of years after we bought our house, and we had to cut out ALL extra spending to handle a few unexpected repairs, but it was well worth it. Houses similar to ours are currently selling for more than twice what we paid, and I’d hate to be trying to buy right now.
Because our house is older, there were a lot of well-established bushes when we moved in. We have some gorgeous azaleas, peonies, and a hydrangea that we didn’t have to buy or plant, which was another nice perk.
A small frugal win that makes me disproportionately happy is our clearance rose bush.
We bought it off the clearance rack for $5.00, more than half-dead, and nursed it back to health. It’s gorgeous now.
I’m so proud of how well it’s doing, and it makes me happy every time I see it.
6. What's an embarrassing money mistake you've made?
I feel like I tend to learn the hard way when it comes to money and make the same mistakes a few (or several) times before I learn. It’s hard to pick one, so I’ll share two. The first is getting sucked into my parents’ financial situation without setting any kind of boundaries. We, along with my sister, depleted our savings and even racked up debt trying to help them.
Meanwhile, their spending and behavior didn’t change, so nothing ever improved, but my sister and I kept getting pulled back into trying to fix their finances. Finally, after almost ten years of it, with therapy and a lot of help from my husband and my sister’s partner, we’ve been able to start saying no.
The second is that I was one of the people fortunate enough to be able to work from home during the COVID pandemic. I always thought I was much more of an introvert than I really am and fully expected to love everything about working from home. I thought I’d cook healthy meals, be incredibly organized, and even lose weight.
I could not have been more wrong!
I didn’t handle the isolation well at all. Working in the emergency services, Nick was still going to work and had a lot of exposure. My sister works in the medical field, so was working 80-hour weeks sometimes, with lots of exposure. I struggle with depression and anxiety anyway, and constantly worrying about the two people I love most in the world (along with a ridiculous amount of doom-scrolling) took a real toll.
Like an idiot, I coped by doing a lot of online shopping and ordering lots of DoorDash and racked up some debt that way. We’re currently working toward paying everything off, but I’m still really annoyed at myself for that.
7. What's one thing you splurge on?
I’m going to pick two here again.
First, our pets. I don’t mean buying them; we both feel strongly that rescue pets are the way to go, so all of ours are rescues.
We currently have six cats, and up until December of last year, when we had to say goodbye to our last dog, we’ve had at least one dog for our entire relationship. None of our pets had a great start in life, and some came from really terrible situations, so we’ve made it our mission to spoil them and give them the best lives possible.
Four of our six cats are on daily medication, one eats prescription food, and one is on a special diet. We do everything for them medically until they no longer have a good quality of life.
This means we’ve spent a lot of money on veterinary care and medication over the years; sometimes, we’ve financed some of it. I know people tend to have strong opinions on what should or shouldn’t be done for or spent on animals, but Nick and I are on the same page about it and don’t regret our choices.
Over the years, we’ve dealt with pets having cancer, Cushing’s Disease (both types), asthma, diabetes, pancreatitis, a leg amputation, and surgery to remove an earring, to name a few. Fortunately, we have learned a lot about how to get pet medications as cheaply as possible.
Related to pet care, we also splurge on giving everyone in our vet’s office an individual Christmas present every year. We love our vets, and everyone there is passionate about animals, and they’re so kind to us and our pets. I’ve read that people in that profession tend to have a higher rate of anxiety and trauma than some other professions, so we feel like it’s important to be extra nice to them.
It’s never anything extravagant (some years it’s just a card and a $5.00 Starbucks card for each person, one year, it was tea advent boxes), but we make sure we do something to acknowledge each person in the office every year.
On a frugal note, being nice to everyone in your vet’s office can save you money. We’ve been loaned things like a cat inhaler adapter by various people at our vet’s offices, and I think people are more willing to do something like that for someone who has been nice to them.
The second thing is Thanksgiving. The cult I grew up in doesn’t celebrate any holidays. Since leaving, I’ve fully embraced celebrating holidays, and Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite.
It’s very important to me to try to spoil everyone a little bit that day.
Our Thanksgiving tradition is to take Thanksgiving dinner to the local hospice house for lunch on Thanksgiving Day. I have the utmost respect and admiration for the people who work in hospice. They do what seems like an impossible job with so much love and kindness.
Then we host a huge Thanksgiving dinner at our house in the evening, and we always have a collection of friends, neighbors, and coworkers. Over the years, we’ve become the place where people know they’ll be welcome if celebrating with their family isn’t an option.
8. What's one thing you aren't remotely tempted to splurge on?
Technology upgrades and new cars. I like routine and tend not to like change, so changing something like my car or cell phone is more like torture than temptation.
9. If $1000 was dropped into your lap today, what would you do with it?
Put it toward paying off debt.
10. What's the easiest/hardest part of being frugal?
For both me and my husband, the big things are the easy things.
We have no desire to move to a bigger/nicer house, buy fancy phones, drive expensive cars, or wear designer clothes. It’s the little things that seem to get us.
We both find it much harder to do things like skip going out to lunch with coworkers or cook at the end of a long week when it’s so easy to order delivery. It’s also an ongoing struggle for me to maintain financial boundaries with my parents.
11. Is there anything unique about frugal living in your area?
Like so many places, housing here has become ridiculously expensive. We were heading that way even before 2020. In 2019, the local news did a story about how people in our fields couldn’t afford to live in one adjacent county and could barely afford to live in ours.
Recently, a few people from Nick’s job have left because they’re entry-level and can’t afford to live here on their salary. Most of my coworkers who aren’t from this area live over an hour away in other counties, and a few live in South Carolina because it’s cheaper. Again, I’m so glad we were able to buy our house when we did.
We do have a lot of free parks and hiking trails in our area.
We also have a wonderful library system, which is handy since we both love to read. Most of the counties in North Carolina are on the same system and share books, so it’s rare not to be able to get a book we want from the library. My favorite library branch is on my way to/from work, so it’s also very convenient.
We also feel like we won the lottery when it comes to neighbors. It’s a close-knit neighborhood, and most of us have each other’s phone numbers. We regularly share and loan things back and forth, including muffin pans, tools, dog crates, and crock pots, to name a few. Everyone is also very generous with food. I love to bake, so we tend to share cupcakes, etc.
Two of our neighbors have chickens and generously share eggs, and the people who garden share their produce and flowers. We were given so many eggs in the spring that I made a huge batch of egg za'atar to share.
It’s perfectly normal to text the group asking to borrow a tool or saying you have something you’re giving away to see if anyone can use it. We also exchange pet sitting, which is a huge money saver. I can’t imagine how much it would cost us to hire a pet sitter when we go out of town, so we’re very grateful to have neighbors who do it.
Our neighbors love our pets, so we know they’re getting great care and lots of attention. Some of our neighbors come to our Thanksgiving and invite us to their huge Easter event, so we sort of trade holidays, too.
Our neighbors definitely contribute to us having no desire to move to a bigger house.
12. Which is your favorite type of post at the Frugal Girl and why?
Once again, I have two. I love all of the posts about Kristen’s finds from her Buy Nothing Groups and all of the furniture rehabbing. I enjoy living vicariously through those.
I’ve worked in and around the criminal justice and court systems for almost twenty years, so I’ve seen a lot of the worst of human nature. As a result, I’m not very trusting of strangers, so I’ve never been comfortable with things like Buy Nothing Groups, Facebook Marketplace, etc. I’m not knocking them.
I know lots and lots of great people use them happily and safely, but it’s not something either one of us is comfortable with. It’s fun to read about Kristen’s finds and it helps restore a little of my faith in humanity.
My other favorite posts are the What I Spent, What We Ate posts. I’ve gotten some great ideas and recipes from those. The chicken brinerade is one of our favorites now.
I’ve also learned just how awesome sandwiches can be.
But my favorite thing about them is how real these posts are. So many frugal blogs out there make me feel like I’m failing and seem to have a message of “Don’t even bother if you’re not growing your own food and making everything from scratch.”
But the WIS WWA posts never make me feel like I’m failing. I love that sometimes dinner is pizza or canned soup if it has been a bad day.
It’s nice to see that even someone who is really good at being frugal gets takeout for dinner sometimes.
13. Did you ever receive any financial education in school or from your parents?
My parents have been a crash course in what not to do.
I was homeschooled, and I got no financial education there. But a few years ago, I was able to learn some about investing and stocks, which I’ve always been a little afraid of, from my aunt and uncle. They’ve made smart choices, so I appreciated it when they took the time to share some of what they know.
Mostly, though, it has been trial and error, with a lot of error.
14. What frugal tips have you tried and abandoned?
Couponing.
It just wasn’t worth the time for me, and with only two people, you don’t need to stockpile things, which couponing seems to lead to. We ended up throwing away a lot more expired food when I was couponing.
I don’t usually make broth/stock anymore. Between work and pets, I feel like I have to use my free time carefully, and the trade-off isn’t worth it for me. I’ve also learned to modify freezer cooking a little bit. Cooking and freezing meal components seems to work a lot better for us than freezing something like entire casseroles.
What is something you wish more people knew?
That shelter pets/rescue animals aren’t damaged or broken, that there are breed-specific rescues if a purebred is that important to you, and how rewarding it is to love and be loved by a special needs animal.
Our last dog, Duke, came to us with heartworms and a bum leg.
Over the years, so many people told us that they thought it was so amazing that we took on caring for a three-legged dog. We didn’t think of him as different or handicapped; he was just Duke to us, and he lived a full and happy life. The missing leg did not slow him down at all.
He had so much love to give and made so many people happy, and it’s heartbreaking to think about all of the other animals like Duke who never make it out of the shelter because people are worried about how hard caring for them might be.
We’ve been asked how we’ve dealt with caring for so many pets with medical issues. There’s definitely a learning process, and it can be stressful at times, but the idea that you have to basically be a saint to take on a special needs pet just isn’t true. I promise we’re not saints.
Obviously, it’s important to do your homework and make sure you’re financially, physically, and emotionally able to care for a special needs pet, but don’t just automatically write them off. Some conditions aren’t as expensive to manage, and some rescues will help with the medical care if you adopt a senior or special needs pet.
How has reading the Frugal Girl changed you?
It has helped me to become a more positive person.
I tend to worry and be anxious a lot of the time. If I’m told there’s a 90% chance something will go well and a 10% chance it will go badly, my natural inclination is to fixate on the 10% that can go wrong and obsess over how bad it might be. Kristen’s Thankful Thursday posts and general positivity do a lot to help me reframe and try to look for the positive.
It has also helped me learn to look for the middle ground and find value in small things.
I definitely tend to be an all-or-nothing person, but reading The Frugal Girl has helped me learn to look for middle ground. If my meal plan doesn’t work out for some reason, I now realize there’s a lot of ground between whatever I had planned and going out to eat, like a frozen dinner, sandwiches, cereal, etc. It might not be as ideal as the plan, but it’s probably better than going out to eat.
Kristen’s approach has helped me develop what I think of as a Best, Better, Good system.
Some of her posts have talked about how cooking from scratch is likely to be the most frugal option (what I classify as Best), buying some pre-made things to mostly cook at home is still more frugal than eating out (what I classify as Better) and that if you’re going to eat out, there are ways to do it more frugally (what I classify as Good).
It’s a lot better than the Pass/Fail that I default to on my own. I feel the same way about the posts that have discussed saving money for an expense and how even if you don’t meet your savings goal, you’ll be better off than if you hadn’t tried at all.
I’m so much more likely to continue on with something when I feel like I’m succeeding, or at least getting closer to succeeding, than if I feel like a failure.
In one sentence, reading The Frugal Girl has taught me that it’s better to try and not quite make it than to just give up.
(Note from Kristen: Aww, this made me smile. I love, love, love that this is your big takeaway.)
What single action or decision has saved you the most money over your life?
Learning to be true to myself and my beliefs.
I hope I’m articulating this well and not in a way that sounds hokey or weird, but having grown up in a cult, it took me a long time to figure out what I truly believe and what’s important to me. I didn’t leave until I was in my early 20s, and there was a long process of learning what I truly believe and what’s important to me.
Fortunately, my sister left around the same time, and there’s a sort of loophole that our parents use to stay in some contact with us, but I lost all of my lifelong “friends” when I left.
When people found out I was marrying my husband, I received some extremely hateful phone calls and letters. Obviously, I ignored all of that and moved on with my life. And I’ve mostly accepted that there’s a strong likelihood that one day my parents will cut off all contact with me. I’ve gone through a lot of therapy to get to this point.
Once you deal with something like that, ignoring financial advice that just isn’t right for you becomes relatively easy in the grand scheme of things.
For example, a lot of people might think it’s terrible that my husband and I maintain separate bank accounts and each pay certain bills. Some people might say that’s a bad reflection on our marriage. We know it’s because our brains are wired so differently that it makes more sense. He’s a numbers person and a procrastinator, so he automates all of the bills he’s responsible for and can tell you his bank balance to the penny at any given time.
I, on the other hand, ignore the advice to automate everything. If I don’t take some action, my brain just doesn’t compute that the money is spent. Logging in and paying a bill online is enough to make my brain go, “Okay, that money is gone now.”
I also have to manually enter everything into a budgeting app and look at how much is there; otherwise, I have no idea when I’m getting close to maxing out in any given category. That goes against what a lot of people say is best, but we have no problem doing what works for us.
Also, when you’ve completely changed your life like that, you know you’re capable of big change, so changing your spending/saving habits isn’t as scary as it might be.
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Danielle, thank you so much for your very thorough interview! And I appreciated all the cat pictures you sent; so cute.
I'm so sorry to hear that you grew up in a cult; that is so tough to recover from as an adult. My friend Carrie (the one that visited me recently) had a similar experience, so you might enjoy her blog and social media accounts.
I think it was so brave of you and your sister to leave; I know there is a high price to pay when you leave a group that does shunning.
But I am also so happy to see that you have built a new community around yourself with your neighbors. And I think your neighborhood group sounds a little like your very own Buy Nothing group. 🙂
Lastly, it made me really happy to hear that the realness of the WIS, WWA posts helps you out. That's the whole reason I post them in retrospect; a menu plan post can be aspirational, but a WIS, WWA post has to be real.
Danielle, I'm just blown away by the community you have with your neighbors, including the massive holiday meals and sharing of resources, pet care, etc. Also, you exhibit so much strength for having lived through so much, and you're doing it with kindness and generosity. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
@Brooke, I agree! I wish I had a community like this. It's honestly inspiring.
@Amy, @Brooke, I think we got very lucky with our neighbors.
Don't be afraid to be the one to try to build the community/relationship with neighbors. Sometimes all it takes is someone taking the first step of inviting someone to share a meal, cup of coffee, etc.
Danielle,
It was a pleasure to read your interview. I love the diversity of the readers of Kristen's blog. I am a cat grandmom and our grandkitties are dearly loved.
I love your good/better/best vs. pass/fail approach. I think it is very beneficial to having an easier, happier, and more frugal life.
I am happy you built a stable and satisfying life. I wish you more good things in the future.
@K D, I love that you're a cat grandmom. 🙂
I do think the diversity here is incredible, and it speaks to how well Kristen handles some sensitive topics.
Good morning, Danielle. What a tough road you've traveled! Hang in there. Your kindness seems to show through in each thing that you do. I love your Thanksgiving Day tradition.
@Jody S., thank you so much. I absolutely love Thanksgiving and am already getting excited about it for this year. 🙂
Danielle I absolutely loved your post and you sound like such a great person. I loved all the cat pictures and I agree with all you say about animal rescues and welfare in general.
Thanks for being so open and honest x
@Julie, thank you so much. Glad you liked the cat pictures! I may be a little biased, but I think they're all very photogenic. 🙂
Really enjoy all the Meet a Reader posts (though I rarely comment as Monday mornings are kind of hectic), but I especially loved this one. Your responses were so thoughtful and thought-provoking, Danielle. I really like your Best, Better, Good approach and am hoping to use that framework to shift my thinking toward my work (teaching).
Danielle,
I love your good, better, best scale! That’s such a helpful way to think about many things in life, not just cooking at home. Thank you for sharing that with us all!
@Hannah, thank you. It's one way I can try to work around my default of pass/fail.
Hi Danielle! Your love for your animals comes strongly through your post! I got my first dog at age 20 and since then have had so many animals, some of them who developed serious (expensive) issues such as Cushing's Disease. (My beagle who had Cushing's lived for ten years with it, when the life expectancy is 2-4 years!) Another beagle had spinal surgery and then ACL surgery the same year. I called him the Six Million Dollar Beagle.
And in ten minutes I'm going to talk to a dog trainer about my crazy rescued coonhound. This'll be expensive but I'm at my wits' end with her, but of course, rehoming her is not an option. My animals are family members, period.
@Rose, bless you, bless you, bless you.
@Rose, Yes! Thank you so much for going the extra mile. I hope the trainer helps you with your coonhound. I have a hound mix who was a handful when she was younger, but has calmed down considerably now that she's older. Consistency with training helped, though there were days when I wondered if she would ever learn.
@Cindi, The trainer kept saying, "I train the owners as much as the pets," and I said, "I don't have potty accidents when it's raining, so I'm not the issue here." Heh. She's also afraid of the doggie door. I'm sure she thinks one day it will cut her in half like a cartoon dog. $1900 for five hourlong lessons.
@Rose, OUCH at the trainer's cost -- please let us know how it works! We don't have potty issues (any more), but we are a 15-pound Jack Russell who goes absolutely ape-crazy when she sees other dogs. I'm going to have to save up for the trainer. Good luck!
@Rose, that's incredible that your beagle with Cushing's lived for so long! Both of our Cushing's dogs were older and only lived about two years after they were diagnosed.
Good luck with your rescued coonhound! We feel the same way about our animals being family.
@Jean, I live in a ridiculously high cost of living place with few options. I'm certain that you can find a cheaper trainer where you are.
Danielle, the Cushing's dog got it when she was only 2. She was such a happy dog, though. We were very careful with her and she lived to be 12. She might have lived longer but my sister, who was dogsitting, let her stay outside too long in a heat wave.
I know lots of people say their dogs had a rough start, but the coonhound really did. She was found, an older pup, literally starving to death with a gunshot wound in the mountains of Arkansas. My local rescue brought her up north and I fostered her, which lasted about three days since I fell in love with her sweet, beautiful face. Now she lives in comfort and luxury, only occasionally sneaking an entire pizza off the counter. Heh.
What an inspiring interview! You have shown tremendous strength and resilience to accomplish all that you have.
On a side note, I found Covid isolation incredibly difficult too. I manage to hold it together the first year, but as we entered year two, I began to feel its weight,
Lastly, I would also like to encourage people to adopt from shelters and rescue groups. If you are concerned about adopting, there are many groups that foster animals and can help you find a animal that fits with your life. All but one of our pets have been rescued. It was the more frugal choice, but it was also incredibly rewarding. Life without my 95- pound bundle of love or my little calico kitty would not be nearly as rich.
Wishing everyone peace, good health and prosperity
@Bee, thank you for sharing that you also struggled during COVID isolation. It's so easy to feel like everyone else handled it perfectly, but it helps to know that isn't the case.
And I love that you have rescue fur babies!
First, thank you for all the cat pictures. We can't have cats due to allergies but I love seeing them, and yours made my day (& have great names)! Howard's pic is my favorite; he looks like he's about to shake hands. And your water droplets picture is mesmerizing. My eyes keep looking for a 4-leaf clover.
I'm with you on the budgeting strategies - you have to pick what you know works with your brain. At the end of the year I actually go through and tally up totals and write them down manually on a piece of paper because the act of writing them helps cement things better in my head.
You have a lot of really wise insights - thank you for sharing!
(PS Is anyone else now craving their own cat couch...?)
@Suz, aww, I'm so sorry you're allergic to cats. Howard has always been very photogenic and has so many great poses.
Danielle, yours is an amazing story; thank you for sharing it with us in such detail. All the best to you, your DH, your rescue cat tribe, your sister and her partner, and your wonderful neighbors (who rival even mine for wonderfulness!).
@A. Marie, thank you! I'm glad you have wonderful neighbors too.
Thanks for sharing, Danielle! This was a super interesting interview. You may have doubts about yourself and things in your life, but you sound like you've built a wonderful life. It's funny, I read these posts and sometimes really identify with what the person is saying and other times, just find their lives mildly interesting. I could not be more different from you in many ways, but your philosophy of life and warm personality shine through this post and really speak to me. Thanks again.
@Bobi, thank you. I think, sometimes, it can be more interesting to read about a life that's very different than our own.
Danielle, I relate SO much to what you say about your cult upbringing. I grew up in a different proselytizing (but holiday celebrating) cult and didn't have the strength to do what you did until I was in my early 40s. I haven't had the strength to tell most of my family because I am so afraid of being cut off from them. Like you, it has taken a lot of work to figure out what I really believe (and it's still a work in progress). It feels so good to have the agency to do this, but some days it is SO tough!
You know what is wonderful about sharing something hard you go through? You give other people the courage to do it too. I'm noticing several readers today who are sharing similar stories of cult life/family estrangements, and I hope that is helping all of you feel a little less alone.
@Kristen, Do you feel like you escaped from a cult? If so, how does that play out with your relationship with your parents?
As always, just ignoring my not-my-bidness questions is a perfectly fine option.
Hmmm, I would say not quite like a cult. I think something like evangelical purity culture was relatively high-control, but not to the level of a cult. For instance, people who chose paths other than purity culture were not officially shunned or anything like that.
My parents recognize some of the problems with things like purity culture, and would do things differently if they could go back. And honestly, I don't really blame most people from that era for embracing purity culture; it was SO ubiquitous in the evangelical world at that point. It was the water everyone was swimming in. Kind of like how at the same time in history, we all were very convinced that dietary fat was Enemy #1. 😉
@AnonymousCommenter, I'm sorry you've gone through that. Everyone handles their leaving a little differently; just because you've been less open with your family than others doesn't mean it's wrong. If you're on Facebook, you may want to see if there any support groups for people who've left the cult you were in. I've found some of them to be very helpful.
@Danielle Zecher, thank you! I have found incredible community with my ex____ subreddit and Facebook community. Honestly, that community is one of the very few things that keep me on those particular platforms. There are hundreds of thousands of us out there deconstructing the same upbringing and it is one of the incredibly bright spots of the online world. I'm so glad that you have found support and community.
Danielle,
First of all, I loved the idea of making a cookbook for wedding favors. They got a nice little gift from you. LOVE
I am a cat lover who likes dogs. We have 2 cats and a very stressed out dog. Everybody is a drop off or rescue. I believe that our last 10 pets are under that heading. Lots of love and good food changes a pet. My current dog is, like I said, always stressed out. We know his past and really I don't blame him. It wasn't good. Generally afraid and needs extra attention and love.
I also like the Good, Better, Best method of judging spending. It reminds me of a Tightwad Gazette article I once read.
As for separate accounts, I see this as a way of sharing the accounting with your husband. Two people can't effectively account for spending in one account which is why so many couples go to an either or method. BUT I have an acquaintance that lost her husband and she didn't know which payments when with which accounts (they used a separate bank for their one car loan and the mortgage.) She didn't know how much each bill was and it took 4 months to straighten things out. Plus she didn't know his passwords to each account. So basically the payments were automatic but she didn't know how much money needed to be it the accounts. She over drafted multiple times before coming to me for help. BTW I helped her find the issues and balance her bank books and then I went with her to 3 banks and helped her talk to the bank managers to get some of the overdrafts back.
But I am just saying that it might have been better if she had some kind of handle on the bills being paid from her house. But the one person system makes it so easy to not know.
Great post!
@Amy, you make a good point about spouses'/partners' needing to know each other's passwords, in case of a situation like the one you describe. And I'd add that it's a good thing to have both partners' names on all accounts, even if there are accounts that are primarily one partner's or the other's. Two fortunate things about my DH's slow decline (if indeed there were any) were that I had plenty of time to work with him on having me take over the finances, and that he knew (at least in the beginning) why I was doing this and gave his full consent.
@A. Marie, I did a similar thing with my father; before his dementia became too bad, he took me to the bank and put my name jointly on his bank account, plus the 3 kids were beneficiaries on his investments. Purely coincidental, the day before my father passed, I cashed out his investments (I was POA), and so due to this I did not have to go through the probate process, and I could just give my siblings their share (I was Executor).
I would also like to add that spouses/ partners should know the pass-code to get into their spouses cell phone. My friend passed away, and his wife had a heck of a time getting the cell phone provider and maker of the cellphone to give her access to his phone. I have made it so that my HB and I have the same cell phone pass-code. (Note: I understand that this may not be possible for everyone due to circumstances).
@Linda in Canada, hahahahahaha, my ex stupidly used the same passcode for his phone that I knew. He left his old phone in our house for our daughter to use to recharge her battery (in the days when phones had removable batteries). The three of us had the same model of phone, so I picked his up, thinking it was mine. Oddly, it asked me for a PIN, which I'd never put on my phone, but I dutifully typed in 2-4-8-3-6-3 as usual. ("BITE ME" on an analog phone.) The first thing I saw was a text from a strange woman telling my husband he missed her and his responding with a heart.
@Amy, it sounds like the drop off pet's got lucky in ending up with you.
I agree 100 percent that even with separate accounts it's important for spouses to know what's going on and have access.
Danielle,
It was a pleasure reading your interview. I love that your pets are rescues because they all deserve a wonderful home with someone like you and I can tell that you are wonderful pet parents.
Your life has not been easy, but you have done an amazing job of building a community with whom to share your wisdom and passions. I admire your strength and resiliency.
@Beverly, thank you so much for your kind words.
Danielle, are you me?! There’s so much of your story that reads familiar, and so many mental traits—10% worries ballooning, auto draft not computing as “gone,” the importance of good/better/best vs. pass/fail, etc. You’re amazing for sharing the experiences, familiar and otherwise, that have shaped your outlook. We’re also Team Rescue (in addition to being long-timers at the shelter, our cats are all FIV+) and Team Tiny House (>800 sq/ft). It’s a relief to hear from someone on the other side of new-to-us home projects, as necessary expenses (mostly maintenance deferred by the previous owner) seem unending right now.
@N, that's incredible that you have FIV+ cats! I know it can be so hard for them to get adopted. Thank you for saving so many!
We've dealt with a lot of home repairs either being put off too long or done badly by the former owners, too. I hope you get a break from yours soon.
Danielle, until 2 years ago, we lived in West Jefferson, where dh had dreamed of living for years. We found a cute, relatively inexpensive rental and were very happy until the greed from COVID arrived and they sold it. Like your county, Ashe is very expensive and it only got worse. We also lived in Franklin for 3 years a while ago. I've also lived in Union, Greenwood and Mauldin, so it's possible we've crossed paths or at least driven the same roads at some point.
We had a diabetic dog who required insulin and it was a costly situation, but we loved Belle and we did what we had to. Our dd and her husband probably won't have kids, but they spoil their 4 dogs, all rescues, as any parent would and we are think that's great.
So, Duke or Carolina? Or App since you're in the mtns. We had one graduate from Chapel Hill and the baby graduates App in the spring.
@Jennifer, I'm sure we've at least driven the sane roads, if not crossed paths. I got my Associates degree from Greenville Tech and worked in Spartanburg for a few years.
Managing pet diabetes is tough. We're dealing with that some with Howard.
As far as Duke/Carolina/App, we're not partial. Neither of us went to a four year college and aren't into sports. I do know App's fight song from a former coworker, and lots of people thought we were Duke fans because of our dog. But, he was named when we got him. We're OK with changing a cat's name (it's not like they're going to come when called), but changing a dog's name didn't seem like a good idea.
Danielle, this is a fascinating post! I appreciate your honesty, resiliency, self-awareness and generosity. Kudos to you and your husband for creating a purposeful, joyful life that is true to your values. I'd love to be your neighbor! Or be reincarnated as one of your pets.
@MB in MN, aww, that's so nice. We really got lucky with our neighbors.
Danielle, What a thankful post! And hopeful! Your self-understanding comes through loud and clear, as well as the work and the time it has taken you to get to this point.
And I loved how you called Howard "in his meerkat phase."
@Heidi Louise, a few people referred to it as Howard's Buddha or weeble wobble phase, but I think meerkats are adorable, just like Howard is, so that's what I've always called that pose. 🙂
What a wonderful post you wrote. I cant imagine how difficult it was to leave but I'm so glad you and your sister were able to be brave enough to do that. It wounds like you are living your best life. thanks for such a revealing post.
@christina, oh i meant to add we have 6 cats too and live in a very small house (under 900 sq ft too).
@christina, it's nice to meet a fellow cat person!
Hi Danielle!
Thank you for sharing snippets of your life with us!
There are many things I have learned from you in your post including how to be more involved in my community.
Wish you lots of luck in the future in establishing boundaries with your parents due to your difficult childhood.
I'm a fan of Nedra Glover Tawwab and her book: Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships is highly rated. Perhaps you have already read it?
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61327510-drama-free
Best wishes!
@Kelly, I haven't read this book, but I just requested it from the library. Thanks for the recommendation!
@Kelly, thank you so much for this. i have just requested this book from my library.
So nice to meet you Danielle. I love and admire your passion for animals. I also had to go non contact with a large part of my family. It is hard to lose out on aunts uncles and cousins but I had to save myself. You matter! I matter!
@Stephanie, it is so hard to make that kind of decision, but sometimes it's very necessary. I hope you're able to surround yourself with a chosen family.
Danielle, you've formed a really great community around you, with your neighbors. I'm so happy for you & your sister for being able to break out into your own lives, but also be able to support each other, and have the support of your partners.
I also loved your good, better, best takeaway! That's a great articulation of frugality.
@Hawaii Planner, it has helped a lot that my sister and I can talk about things, and that we were both fortunate enough to find very supportive partners.
Anyone with six rescue cats is my idea of a wonderful person. We have three.
@Anne, it's nice to meet a fellow cat rescuer.
Danielle, there is so much about your post that I love. I'm so impressed with your courage and tenacity. What you've endured would've destroyed others. Well done.
I can tell you're a woman of great empathy and strength. That's a mighty combination in any world.
Keep going on your path. You're doing great!
@Maria Zannini, thank you so much for your kind comment.
Danielle, you have built a beautiful life for yourself and your husband and your animals. Thank you for sharing. And I really appreciate your take on the frugality issue -- it's not one size fits all, and Kristen is acutely aware of and sensitive to that. I love reading everyone's comments and suggestions, but sometimes think something is probably "frugal for thee but not for me".
@JDinNM, that's one of the things I love about Kristen's writing. So many frugal themed blogs don't seem to be nearly as aware of or sensitive to the fact that people are so different and how rarely a one size fits all approach works.
Danielle love your post:) I work in the criminal justice system as well, so does my husband. It is tough sometimes! The things we have gone through. I am in a much better setting now and will hopefully finish my time out. Getting close as I have 22 total years in between corrections officer and my administration position now. As you have mentioned it doesn't pay the best, but the benefits sometimes outweigh the pay. I have much more leave than my siblings with much higher paying jobs. As well as guaranteed lifetime retirement. While I didn't grow up in a cult, I did grow up in a chaotic household. My parents were not good examples of how to manage finances or anything else for that matter. My husband and I are still not on the same page with money, so it is tough sometimes. He had some chaos in childhood as well, it was just different from mine. I'm guessing that is why we will most likely never be on the same page. I just keep trying because if I give up it would be so easy to plunge into a huge financial hole. I often feel like I should be much more put together at 44.
Thanks again for your post and the pictures!
@Jackie, you're much closer to having your time in at 44 than I will be.
I think you're right that the stability of jobs like ours is very appealing, especially for people who didn't grow up with that level of stability. And the leave accumulation is definitely nice.
I had to miss last week's meet a reader ( I was basically zoned out all day after a procedure) so I'm glad I got here for this one.
Danielle, speaking as an owner of a tripod dog to someone who owned one, they can be amazing, can't they? The lady who fostered mine was so happy to meet me when I offered to adopt him - she was afraid no one would take a "damaged" dog. He's as fast as greased lightning with only one back leg and dances on his three legs in delight when I come home. I'm so glad I got him and our other rescued dog, both.
Your background story is powerful. I know two separate people who left what I think might be the same group you left, and it meant a big change in relationships for them but they also felt is was worth it. Good for you and your sister.
I'm impressed that a reason you are frugal is so you can work at jobs you love.
Your life sounds quite busy and full of love, with plenty to share. You and your husband are probably the neighbors your neighborhood is most delighted to have!
@JD, tripod dogs are amazing! Duke was incredibly fast, even with the missing leg, and regularly caught rabbits in the the backyard.
Since a few other people figured it out and said in the comments below, it was the JWs that I left. It's a hard group to leave, but has been well worth it for me.
What a fabulous post! Not gonna lie, the pictures of Duke stole my heart. What a cutie!
I really appreciate the discussion of how your relationship with your parents and how they handles money has been formative for your adult self’s relationship with money. This is true for me too, for totally different reasons. Sadly, I had to cut off contact with my parents years ago in order to be able to live my own adult life. It is the biggest sadness in my life and I wish it could be different, but I did what I had to, and you are as well.
I also admire your confidence in how you and your husband manage money- you do what works for you and don’t worry what other people think! That’s so awesome.
I also really like your good/better/best approach- I’m going to try and use this myself! Thank you for sharing all this with us here.
@Stephanie in Brooklyn, Duke regularly stole hearts.
I'm sorry you had to go no contact with your parents, but glad you were able to make the decision to do what's best for you.
This is my favorite meet a reader. Danielle, I wish I lived close because I would like to hang out with you and your cats! Thank you for your transparency today.
@PBE,
same here! Only you put it in much better words than I would be able to.
I just loooooved this interview.
You must be such a warm and courageous and generous person Danielle!
@PBE, I also thought this was my favorite meet the reader post and I hesitate saying that since there were so many great meet the reader posts.
You covered so many concepts here I will probably read the post again.
One of my favorite things was when you said some people might differ from us on how much we spend on our pets but my husband and I are on the same page. And you are correct that is all that matters.
Another thing is the counseling help you mentioned you received. Obviously you found a great counselor because you definitely seem to be very self aware.
Like someone earlier mentioned I wish you were my neighbor.
@PBE, @Lea, thank you for your kind words.
@karen, aww, thank you so much. It has taken A LOT of counseling to get here, and the two I've seen have been great.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. And thank you for caring for shelter pets. They are the best!
@Cindi, you're so right about shelter pets!
A friend of mine just about only adopts cats who have medical problems. She calls them her scratch n dent cats.
@Rose, We call them "used". 🙂
@Molly, @Rose, I love those terms for rescue cats!
Danielle,
Thank you for sharing with us! The cat couch you crocheted is very impressive. It looks like a cat's dream come true!
You seem to have such a caring heart and it was a joy to read your interview. I love how you've taken rescue animals and your clearance rose bush and you can see how the love you've put into them has made them flourish.
Thanks for sharing the picture of Howard in his meerkat pose! Our zoo has meerkats, so I can easily picture Howard next to a real meerkat and it gives me a big smile. 🙂
Kudos on all the growth you've worked for and experienced! I'm glad you're part of this community and that you have such awesome neighbors where you live.
@Ruth T, I often picture Howard hanging out with real meerkats, and it makes me smile. 🙂
I really love your thought process on a lot of what you've shared. Thanks for taking the time to do so. I like the way you articulated the Good, Better, Best approach. I tend to look at so much of what I do as Pass/Fail and that leads to a lot of feelings of failure and self defeatist self talk. It's inspiring to see your kindness filled lifestyle, especially your Thanksgiving day generosity.
@CrunchyCake, we really can be our own worst enemies, can't we? Reading things like this blog definitely helps with working on the negative self talk, though!
Danielle, wow. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing difficult parts of your life with us. My heart hurts for the little girl who experienced her parent's bad checks being taped up in businesses. I can see why you and your husband have chosen a different path and have looked to others with more stable lives as mentors. So wise of you!
On a different note, my husband and I met online--back in the day when online dating was (gasp!) frowned upon. Twenty two years of marriage and we're still going strong.
Loved all the cat pictures! Howard is awesome! My daughter has been volunteering with cats at a local animal shelter (which recently turned into a part-time job for her--she still volunteers for cats, but cares for the dogs as part of her paid job) and I found myself nodding when you mentioned adopting rescue animals.
This was a very interesting Meet A Reader!
@Kris, congrats on 22 years of marriage! Does it seem like people are less shocked now that you met your husband online? It seems to shock people a little less now than it did early on for us.
That is so awesome that your daughter works and volunteers with rescue animals. That's a tough job.
Danielle,
If you'd like to try using a Buy Nothing or similar group to give things away I can tell you that I have used Freecycle.org for many years and have not had to meet anyone in person. I aim to make it easy and safe for both myself and others. When I post an item I list the following instructions:
"Available for contact free porch pick-up. Your request must say when you can pick up. Do not waste your time, or mine, asking “Is this still available?”. Expedite the process by telling me what day and time you can pick up. Examples: today between 4:00 and 6:00, tomorrow morning between 9:00 and noon.
Texting/calling not available."
There are several people in our neighborhood that use a Buy Nothing group to give away items with either porch or fence post pick-up. They place the item in a bag and hang it on a fence post or the bottom of a porch railing, if not placing it on the porch. I have some regulars and always some new people requesting items we no longer need. I have offered driveway pick-up for bulkier and/or heavier items.
@K D, I never thought of that approach for a Buy Nothing group. Thanks for the idea!
Wow - that's a hell of a journey you've had. I have a lot to say to you but not enough time to do it now, and I want to give the most important one now:
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING RAISED IN A CULT.
I expect - I hope! - you've heard this a lot. You are not responsible for it and you should not be ashamed about it. You should be very, very proud that you were able to leave and take the post-leaving steps that help you be a sane, responsible person.
@WilliamB, thank you for saying that. It is still hard sometimes to reconcile the things I used to believe and say with the person I want to be now, and without sharing stories that aren't mine to tell, there are times I wish I had been kinder to/more supportive of others.
Me again!
So many commonalities. I'm sorta-kinda thinking about a food blog or book, but really what I want to do would be best suited to an old-fashioned newspaper column so I expect it'll never happen. This means I'm all set to create a terrific family cookbook - it'll be all me since no one else in my immediate family cooks.
I'm so sorry you grew up with such instability! There are so many, mostly negative, ramifications from that. My retirement will also have a stable income. It's not what I ever expected but it'll be nice. I have rescues (dogs) as well, and they've all been traumatized in one way or another. I've learned, btw, that I'm good at detraumatizing dogs but not so good at training them. I agree with 100% about giving out my address or contact info; one sees too much of the downside of human nature sometimes.
It's amazing the return we get for being nice, isn't it? Not always financial but always something.
Best of luck to you.
@Danielle L Zecher, That was then, this is now. It's hard to acknowledge the harms we have done in the past even if we didn't know better. When we know better, we do better. It's a constant process although for most of us it's not as dramatic or as hard.
Nice to meet you, Danielle. I enjoy all Meet The Reader posts but yours stands out. You have a way with words.
You shouldn’t feel any shame at all for the beliefs you were raised with. The important thing is that when you became an adult you made your own thoughtful choice.
I really like your good, better, best philosophy. I feel the same way but never put it in words like you did.
Your wedding favor recipe book is a great idea. I’ve seen many couples spend lots of money on favors that are useless/meaningless.
I agree with you about the Chicken Brinade recipe. So good. I buy chicken on sale, immediately on getting home I make up the brinade and freeze chicken portions in baggies with the brineade. So delicious, when I want to cook the chicken it is ready to go. Another of Kristen’s recipes I use regularly is Chocolate Pudding.
Your neighborhood sounds lovely. I live on a dead-end street and know all my neighbors well enough to request help or borrow an egg but we don’t socialize the way you do with your neighbors.
What a sweet gesture to give the vet and staff thank you gifts. I’m sure it means a lot to them.
You and I feel the same way about technology. I would still be using my flip phone if my cellular plan hadn’t stopped supporting the device.
Thanks for sharing with FG readers.
@Linda Phillips, thank you for your kind words.
I also have baggies of brinerade chicken in the freezer. 🙂 It definitely makes for an easier dinner when you've done that.
Danielle thank you! I enjoyed your writing so much, and how big your heart is, especially towards your beautiful pets! ♥️
@ML, thank you so much!
Danielle - What COURAGE you have demonstrated in sharing your life story & experiences with us. That same courage comes through in your decisions & what you’ve learned on this journey both of healing your self & creating a joy-full life. Thank you for giving us a window into your world & being so beautifully transparent. I applaud your strength & courage.
@Theresa, thank you so much. I don't think I could have picked a nicer group of people to share it with.
Thank you for sharing. I loved reading about your thought process in finding out what is important to you and your husband and prioritizing those things. I love the way you have created community and found family around yourselves.
@Rebekah in SoCal, thank you. I love the term found family.
Thank you for being so open and trusting Danielle. I am glad you have found a warm and loving circle (animal and human) that support you and that you can support!
I was hear hearing when you said your husbands and your brains work differently and that you each choose the method that works best for you. As a wise old friend once said: you don't have to change yourself but you have to learn to work with who you are.
Much food for thought in your interview.
@J NL, thank you so much. It's amazing how much easier it is when you work with you are and do what works for you.
Shame? I think you are incredibly brave and strong to have left that life and created a beautiful life of your own and new connections and relationships. I’m glad you trusted us enough to share your truth! I really appreciate everything you shared, and how reflective you are, it helps me to think more clearly about my own choices!
@Cherie, thank you so much. I think I definitely picked the right group to share with.
Danielle, Thank you for sharing your history with us. You have nothing to be ashamed of as regards being in the cult as you grew up. Not your choice and when it was, you left. And congratulations on turning what could have been a lifelong negative experience into a very positive life that shows you have made healthy choices for yourself even when it was hard to do (Cutting off your parents? Really, you do not owe them help when they refuse to help themselves. Please know that sometimes you must love people from a very great distance. Sadly, they have made their choices but you must continue to choose your healthy life no matter how hard.
I love that you have such a commitment to your cats. It is a choice to spend $ to ensure good healthcare and I admire you for putting that above your own wants.
You've made a lot of great decisions and I hope you give yourself credit for that. It warms my heart to know that you left and have created such a loving family life. So many others never can leave the horror behind.
People who are hateful when you do things they don't like are not friends. Friends cheer you on in your journey no matter whether you are doing "good, better or best" or even not so good.
Keep loving yourself and allowing yourself to live your life by your own principles and standards.
FYI: I think it's perfectly normal for married people to have separate accounts and to divide expenses as they both agree. It's not one size fits all in marriage or anything in life. It's what works for you.
As we age we learn, if we're paying attention, that you have to live your life without worrying about what others may think. It's hard because so much of our society is so judgmental and has set ideas about "how things should be"
We all want to be loved and appreciated, but that should be for who we really are and not who others think we should be.
Your words in this column show that you have worked hard to achieve a healthy life. Congratulations!
@Irena, thank you so much for your comments. I especially love what you said about friends. That's so true about real friends.
Congratulations on leaving the JW.
@Bella, I left JWs too and I'm excited to see Danielle's story published here! I'm the "Carrie" Kristen mentioned recently. I've just now begun sharing my cult exit online.
@Bella, thanks! Do you you mind if I ask if you left too? I'm just curious since you knew who I was talking about.
@Carrie, I didn't realize we'd left the same one. Congratulations! If you ever want to connect about our experiences, I'm great if Kristen can share my email address with you.
@Bella, do you mind if I ask if you also left? I'm just curious since you knew the group.
@Danielle L Zecher, I grew up haredi( Orthodox Jews sekte) but over the years I learnedto pick up the signs , how left what. Many narratives are the same, and the shame of not being good enough ( in your soul, your behavior, your thoughts) is quite the same. I was told when I left that 6 millions had died because of me. I was married at 18 to a man I meet twice. All the same dismissals of women, theirs life and their sexuality.
Wow. What a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing, Danielle! You’ve made some tough decisions and built a wonderful life. Truly inspiring.
@Elissa, thank you so much for your kind comment.
Oh my goodness, I feel exactly the same about pets as you do. Shelter pets are the way to go. We’ve had dogs with Cushings, Lupus, Diabetes, and a heart problem. We’ve had a cats with Lung cancer among other issues. I currently am feeding a feral colony. You’re absolutely right it’s a little extra work but I have gotten so much more in return. For example, the feral kittens came into my life after my mom passed away. They gave me a reason to get up in the morning when life felt so hard.
I loved reading about your wonderful life. Thank you so much for sharing it.
@Gina, thank you so much for feeding the feral colony. Resuce pets do have a way of showing up just when we need them the most.
Hi Danielle,
Thank you for sharing. Your post is super interesting and full of insightful ideas to create happiness. And given how you were raised and lived for a lot of years, it’s amazing how lovely the life you crafted has become! I loved hearing of your courage and persistence in the face of such difficulties.
But most of all, the kitty stories and the pictures of these darling rescued creatures are uplifting and just plain joyful. And, your compassion extends to people, too. That is why, I believe, you’ve drawn so many good friends and neighbors—and a husband—into your life. Well done!
@Erika JS, thank you so much. I'm glad my pets brought you some joy!
Danielle, so proud of you for realizing what your life was like and moving on from that. Took lots of guts! Sometimes what our parents think is the right thing, is really wrong for us as an individual. And by growing and moving away from the situation, you realize how much better you are. And I know it took years, but think about your happiness now.
@Maureen, thank you so much. I am definitely much happier than I would have been if I had stayed.
As a cat mom of 2,your tribe look healthy,happy and content.They really do turn into our little furry kids.
We had an amazing dog,who didn't have 3 legs but 1 of his back ones had no joint so it didn't move,oddly,he would lift it to run on 3 legs,he was the best,lab & rottie mix.
Enjoyed " meeting " you,I stumbled in to Kristin's blog and enjoy it,so down to earth & so many terrific contributors!
@Pat Gaudreau, isn't it incredible how well animals adapt to missing or poorly working limbs? It sounds like yours was an honorary tri-paw.
Danielle,
Thank you for sharing about your life with us. You and your sister are so brave for leaving the cult! Wow! This is the most inspiring thing I've read in a long time.
I'm an animal lover (and pet-sitter) and I loved seeing all your cute cat and dog pictures.
Your neighborhood sounds fantastic! I am blessed to have wonderful, kind, and helpful neighbors as well.
@Beth B., that's so cool that you're a pet sitter. Glad you enjoyed the pet pictures! And I'm glad you have wonderful neighbors. They make such a huge difference.
Danielle, thank you so much for sharing your story! When you said that it was easy to be frugal with big things but you struggled with the little things, that really resonated with me. I really appreciate your thoughts.
@Meg, it really is the little things that seem so hard for me.
Danielle, thank you for such an interesting post. Anyone with 6 cats has stolen my heart. All my cats were rescues, but not in the sense of the word from shelters. They have mostly all been "garbage" finds; as in HB found one in the dumpster at his workplace (middle cat since deceased, we gave her 6 1/2 great years), he brought her home. And another one discarded in a box under a bush, with her 4 siblings outside of my HB's workplace. HB brought one home (Junior 14 now) and his co-worker took the other 4. Senior 19 still going strong was a farm cat given to us.
Also, I am of the small house, at 1000 sq. feet. I live on the "small house" street of a neighbourhood that has huge houses. I love my house, and am very happy I bought it when I did; I would never be able to afford it now.
Thank you for sharing your story.
@Linda in Canada, I'd definitely still call your cats rescues! Most of my sister's cats have been dumped, too. And congratulations on getting your senior kitty to a healthy 19 years. Howard is our oldest and he's 17.
Danielle, I am so impressed with your courage and maturity in moving forward from an oppressive situation into the beautiful lifestyle you and your husband have made for yourselves. I’m sorry for all the bad stuff you’ve experienced but so glad you have come through it all and have so much wisdom to share.
One of my sisters fosters dogs. She was a cat person her whole life but 4 years ago, she married a guy who has so much compassion for shelter dogs, and they currently have 7 dogs, 4 of which are their own. The others they foster until a family is found to take a shelter dog. I commend you and your husband for taking in all your cats. They are each SO beautiful!!
I’m also impressed with your photography! May I use some of the photos you’ve posted here for some references for paintings?
I love your Thanksgiving traditions!
I could keep encouraging you about so many beautiful things you’ve described about the life you and your husband share but I’ll stop here and just say that you have inspired me greatly!!
Thank you so much for all that you have shared!
@Martha, of course you can use the pictures for references for paintings. Do you post them on a blog or anything? I'd love to see them!
That's wonderful that your sister and her husband foster so many dogs. We've never been great at fostering because we tend to keep them.
I'm late to the commenting arena, but I really want to let you know how much I appreciated your sharing. It's scary to reveal your secrets, I know because I've done it, but the feedback from Kristin and her readers is so positive and great that it still makes me feel warm inside to remember. So thank you for your openness and honesty! Especially about your rescued animals -- I live alone except for my little dog and my two slightly overweight cats. And your advice about budgeting sensibly is very valuable -- I continue to get my flea and heartworm treatments from the vet, more expensive than other sources, but I'm lucky to have a vet who returns calls, even on the weekend. (PS When my Siamese got very old and crotchety and finally died, the assistants at the vet's were so kind and helpful, plus a couple weeks later, when they asked me to stop in to the office, they had a litter of kittens someone had abandoned, and I was happy to take my vet-checked and immunized Weenie home.) (PPS They know I'm a soft touch.) Anyway, thank you so much for introducing yourself! Pleased to meetcha!
@Jean, I'm glad you have a vet where everyone is so kind and caring. Pet care is definitely expensive, but so worth it for the love and joy they add to life.
Hi Danielle, nice to "meet" you. I really enjoyed reading about you and I think you're a good writer. Thank you for sharing your experience being in and leaving a cult with us. I can see it was a brave move for you. I'm glad you shared it. I don't know if this will make sense, but: I've not had that experience, but at the same time, it helped me gain understanding and empathy. You never know what someone is dealing with or what their past is, this was a reminder. No one has a perfect life, biology, or past (definitely me included). Again I'm glad you shared. Your cats are completely adorable and I'd smile at that rose bush every time I walked by too. I met my partner online too!
@Amy, thank you so much for your kind comments. It made my day that you like my writing! 🙂
And it's nice to "meet" someone else who met their partner online.
Glad to meet you! Congratulations on your escape! A dear friend of mine also escaped a cult, which did terrible damage to her self confidence. It sounds like you have a therapist helping you with that. I hope it continues to go well and that you and your husband enjoy your hard won peaceful freedom. The terror of financial insecurity is so hard to live with! Best wishes.
@Kristina, I hope youre friend is able to heal and regain her self confidence.
Danielle, I really enjoyed reading your interview. I love cats but don’t have any because my husband and one of my sons are allergic. I take care of a semi-feral who stops by every day, and I’m amused by what a picky eater he is.
While I didn’t grow up in a cult, I grew up in a very dysfunctional and alcoholic family. When my mother and two sisters shunned me 24 years ago, I decided it would be the last time, and I didn’t try to make amends. I don’t know how many times my mother ignored me and other people in our family for weeks or even months at a time when I was growing up. Needless to say, I have not heard from them or any other relatives since then. I don’t miss them, but I wish my children had “normal” grandparents and aunts/relatives. We moved 1,200 miles away shortly before I was shunned/ignored, so it’s not tempting to drive by their house. I feel a lot of shame, and many of my friends where I live now don’t know that I haven’t seen or heard from them in 24 years. They believe that I visit them, and if one asks how my parents are, I’ll say they’re doing okay.
I love to read too, and I haven’t bought a book in years because we just don’t have the room for them. Our library is excellent as well.
@Susan_SFl, I'm sorry you can't have cats, but that's awesome that you're feeding the semi-feral.
I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with regarding your family, and I totally understand not wanting to broadcast that to people. It can be exhausting and traumatic trying to explain family dynamics to everyone. I hope you're able to create your own family/friends group for yourself and your children.
Aren't libraries the best?
I enjoyed reading this so much. You sound like such a kind, intentional person and just really enjoyed learning a bit about your life.
@Ali, thank you so much.
My husband and I have separate accounts and divide up the bills. We've been married almost 40 years, so u don't believe it has proven anything negative in our marriage! At first he was a little putt putt, but I told him I had trust issues around money because of my FIRST husband, and I just couldn't allow anyone else have access to the money I earned. We now have made our accounts joint because of estate planning, but we still USE them as we always have. He doesn't mess with "mine" and I don't mess with "his."
I guess i should have proofread that post first - LOL! "u" is "I." "Putt putt" is "put out," not miniature golf!
Thank you for your beautiful, honest sharing. I found so much to relate to here. I didn’t grow up in a cult and think you and your sister were very brave to leave it, and to contemplate the possible loss of your parents because of it. That’s so hard and you show a lot of grace around it. It must have taken a great deal of work to get to that point. I appreciate your honesty regarding the trial and error nature of learning to be frugal. For me that has definitely been the case, and it’s made me hesitate to do a meet-a-reader post! So many people seem to do it effortlessly and I’ve made so many terrible choices, some of them repeatedly. I also loved hearing about your journey with your adopted and special needs pets. We adopted our big, beautiful dog, a golden retriever/great Pyrenees cross, and soon after he developed conditions that meant we were spending over $300 per month on his food and medications, and of course with no pet insurance. But he was the sweetest, most loving animal and I miss him dearly even after three years. We had him from the age of two to fourteen, so we were very lucky. Thanks again for sharing!
Hi Danielle! Thanks so much for sharing! My husband and I do finances the same way, and I am exactly like you. I cannot have things automated because I will 100% forget about when and how much is being spent. I do so much better manually making payments. The way my income works is more sporadic than my husband's, so we recently changed it up again and I just transfer a flat amount to his account every month and it's even easier for me 🙂 I am not a detail oriented person, and the older I get the more I appreciate being able to delegate those mental tasks.
Loved, loved, loved reading your interview Danielle!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us!
And for the pet rescuing you and your husband have done!
Hello Danielle! Fellow NC-er here (I'm near Charlotte). I was really glad to read this one. While I enjoy all of the "Meet a Reader" posts, sometimes I feel a little "lonely" (for lack of better term), because it seems that everyone else has kids. My husband and I have been married almost 21 years, and we can't have kids, so it's just us and our "critters" (cat/dog/horse). Thanks for sharing your story!
So happy that you got out of your cult. My friend is in (what sounds like) the same cult and she always defends it but I find it awful that she shuns family members who leave. Thank you for this post!
I know I'm late to the game on this one, but I wanted to say thanks for sharing!
This was deeply, deeply moving. What a testament to this blog! for those of us recovering from traumatic upbringings, validating your ability to live the way you want to can take many forms. How wonderful that this blog has been part of that. Wishing you and your family all the best.
I loved your post, Danielle!! Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom. And all of your fur babies are simply darling! (We have two kitties over here right now - Gizmo and Hermione Granger - and they are our world)
Danielle, I think this is my favorite meet the reader post. I absolutely loved your candor about the struggles you've faced in your life and your thoughts about rescue animals. We recently put down our sweet 14 year old Rottie and seeing those pictures of Duke and hearing you talk about him made me want to go rescue a special needs dog! He just looks like a bundle of love. I'm sorry he's no longer with you but I can see he had a great life with you.
I wish only the best to you and your husband as you navigate through the trauma of your past and figure out how to deal with your parents in a way that you can live with. Thank you so much for submitting your story!
your post is so fab. was on vacation so i am late. but the pictures of your cats, everything really are so wonderful. am sorry your childhood was so precarious. but i am so glad you have a happy life now. when my dad passed i had to cut stepmom out of my life. she was only halfway nice to me when he was alive. it was so hard for me. but i had to do it. i did not find out she passed until 3 months afterwards. she left everything to charity when my dad's will had left everything to me after she passed. but the universe has been very kind to me.
Love this post. I have long held that perfectionism is the thief of joy, which is kind of similar to ''best, better, good'' vs '' pass/ fail.'' Quite often, something being 70% what you wanted it to be is completely good enough. Fretting over not *quite* perfection is a route to being dissatisfied, and for what? To have the inner strength and courage to leave a community - probably a very close one - to break free and live your own, chosen life is incredible. Everything you have written about how you live, what you do around holidays and for animals IS the description of a person living a good, kind and generous life, making things better in different ways for many people and animals.
Big inspiration!
Danielle, thanks so much for an inspiring story. I’m sad about the losses you experienced when you left the cult, but so glad you were able to leave, and especially grateful that you have your sister and your husband. I love your “best, better, good” view - because of course we don’t have to be perfect to do a good job at something. I admire your courage, and am really glad you have made such a nice life. All the best to you.
Danielle - thanks for sharing! I didn't grow up in a cult, but have similar experiences in a lot of other things you talked about (my parents are also the poster children for what not to do financially, but my dad looooooves to give me bad advice).
My husband and I kept separate accounts for the first several years of marriage because I grew up poor and had to know to the penny how much money was available at all times, while he rarely balanced his checkbook because he knew ballpark how much he had (and didn't write down ATM withdrawals!). Ironically he had never overdrawn his account while I had done it several times - go figure.
Anyway - childhood trauma affects us in unexpected ways as adults, and I also struggle with certain quirks related to money that my patient husband has learned to just roll with, because even if it's not logical to him, he knows its something I need in order to feel secure.
Sending hugs!
I loved this one. I also thought I was an extreme introvert until I retired. Now I realize it was just that my work more than met my social needs.
That's how I feel too. I'm an ambivert, but I can feel more like either an introvert or an extrovert depending on what's more prolific in my life at the moment: alone time or people time!