Meet a Reader | A. Marie
You guys, I was so excited when A. Marie emailed me her answers, I almost squealed.
Here's an old picture of Sonia to illustrate how I felt:
Instead of squealing, I replied to A. Marie with an email full of exclamation marks. Ha.
I asked her to participate quite some time ago (several of you put in a request that I feature her), but she was so busy getting her husband into assisted living, she did not have the time.
But her life has settled down a bit, and now we get to meet her. Sweet! I am always happy when I can manage to get a much-requested reader to participate. 🙂
1. Tell us a little about yourself.
I live in a medium-sized city in the center of New York State.
By now, it’s no secret which city this is, but here’s my old joke anyway: It’s the city that’s best known for the minor-league basketball team with the citrus-themed party-school university attached.
Our lovely home. I plan to stay here as long as I’m able--but I also intend to be realistic about when it’s finally time to go.
I won’t kid you; the winters here are hard on me as an expatriate Southerner. (I grew up in Tennessee and went to college in Florida.)
Our Lopi wood-burning insert at work. It’s not our sole source of heat, but an electric blower keeps it pumping warmth pretty well.
But I like my dear old Rust Belt city; I like the surrounding area’s natural beauty (well described and photographed by Corrine in her recent Meet a Reader post); and I love my beautiful street and my excellent neighbors.
I’m 66; my beloved DH of 42 years is 72 and has severe Alzheimer’s disease. We have no children, by both choice and chance.
We lived together until June 2021, when I reluctantly placed DH in a local skilled-nursing facility because I could no longer care for him safely at home.
I hesitated about including a picture of DH and me. But one picture is worth a thousand words, and if I wrote from now till Doomsday, I couldn’t do a better job of capturing the two of us and how much we loved each other than this photo does. It was taken near our 40th wedding anniversary in October 2019. (DH’s sweet nature as seen here is the ONLY thing this stinking disease hasn’t robbed him of. He’s called “The Gentle Giant” on his ward.)
I currently live with our sixth cat (we have also owned two dogs) in the 1920s home DH and I have owned for 37 years.
This is the “Gotcha” photo of our current cat, Betty Crocker’s Butterscotch Pudding (Betty for short), taken by DH soon after she adopted us at the local Humane Association. DH found the “New Home” sewing machine in the basement of one of his rental properties.
I retired in June 2020 from 36 years of work as a telecommuting copyeditor for a small NYC-based company that publishes texts in mental health, self-help, education, and other disciplines.
DH had many careers--instructor in English; self-employed housepainter/remodeler/contractor; rental property co-owner; certified home inspector; and home energy performance salesman and certified rater--until his retirement in 2013.
My current hobbies include gardening, birdwatching, cooking, and (of course) thrift shopping, trashpicking, and other frugal pursuits!
Some of the produce from a particularly good tomato year. Sadly, I’ve had to cut back on growing vegetables because of our out-of-control Eastern white-tailed deer population. But a neighbor and I are still growing a few tomatoes in pots behind her 8-foot chain-link fence. And I continue to grow deer-resistant flowers, plus herbs, onions, and garlic (which the Bamboids don’t fancy!).
DH, in addition to doing most of the repairs and renovations to our house (a photo of our deck was featured several years ago in a Taunton Press book about decks), was an enthusiastic “urban logger.”
Part of DH’s “urban logging” haul. We probably still have 2 or 3 years’ worth of wood left.
That is, he’d keep an eye out for felled trees on the curb, bring them home, and cut them up for fuel for our woodburner (which can heat the house quite efficiently, although we do also have a good furnace).
Also, I am (and DH was) an avid reader.
I’m a proud Life Member of the Jane Austen Society of North America, and I stay involved in my local branch.
2. How long have you been reading The Frugal Girl?
This is a harder question to answer than I thought it would be. Although I know I’ve lurked for about a decade, a check of the archives indicates that I didn’t start commenting until the last few years.
But, along with everyone else here, I appreciate Kristen’s regular posting and her cheerful, friendly, and inclusive approach.
3. How did you get interested in saving money?
My mother was a Depression-era baby, and as the one of her four children most like her, I inherited the thrift gene. I was buying clothes at Goodwill as a college student in the 1970s.
But I really got hooked by Amy Dacyczyn and The Tightwad Gazette.
Mom, bless her, was a charter subscriber, and I picked up on TTG about halfway through its run.
(And, thanks to Mom, I have a complete set of the original newsletters! There’s some stuff in these that didn’t even make it into The Complete Tightwad Gazette book.)
4. What’s the “why” behind your money-saving efforts?
I’ve been doing what I could all along to keep us living within our income and then some. DH was a later convert to frugality, but he came around soon enough that we have a paid-for house and zero consumer debt (no credit card debts, no car payments, no nothin’).
And we were able to afford several major projects (see #7 below).
Now, of course, I’ve got one eye on DH’s nursing home bills and the other on our various income streams (especially his LTCI; see #5 below).
I don’t mind dying broke; I just don’t want to live that way.
5. What’s your best frugal win?
Unfortunately, this won’t be something that’s useful for most people now, given changes in the long-term care insurance (LTCI) industry over the last several years. But for us, it was definitely buying LTCI, back when we were both in our 50s and in reasonably good shape.
Keeping DH at home longer than I did might have resulted in serious harm to him (he’s prone to both falls and wandering), as well as to me (in terms of both physical and mental health).
And the LTCI made his placement possible before any serious harm might have occurred.
6. What’s a dumb money mistake you’ve made?
Oh, we’ve both made plenty.
But I’d single out not shoving every possible dollar into my 401(k) at work from the moment I had it, and investing too conservatively when I was younger. I did do considerable “catch-up” saving in that account, once I became old enough to do so. But I still wish I’d put more in.
We did tap some of the money DH could have invested in his two accounts for three excellent reasons. I don’t consider those mistakes, so I’ll cover these next.
7. What’s one thing you splurge [well, OK, have splurged] on?
We did three major projects over the years:
(a) purchasing and restoring the property next door to us after the woman who lived there (a classic “crazy cat lady”) tried to burn down the house;
(b) building a new garage on that property; and
(c) putting solar panels on the garage roof.
The garage and its solar panels. The 2010 Honda Element I’m still driving can be seen inside the garage. As DH said about everything from cars to snowblowers, “Hey, it’s a Honda. It’ll run.”
The story behind (a) in particular is a long one, and this isn’t the place to tell it--but in many ways, this entire project was the making of us, as a couple and as neighborhood residents. The total cost was probably what we would have spent to put a child through 2 years or so at the party-school university.
Still, I have no regrets, and I take a great deal of pride in my DH for making all this happen.
8. What’s one thing you aren’t remotely tempted to splurge on?
Again, it’s a long list. But I’d put makeup, hair coloring, and jewelry at the top of it. I’m just not a very “girly” type.
9. If $1000 was dropped into your lap today, what would you do with it?
Put it into the emergency fund, which isn’t quite back up to where it was when I had to tap it last year for a few things.
10. Share a frugal tip with other Frugal Girl readers.
(a) Prepare for emergencies. Save whatever money you can however you can, and be sure all your legal paperwork is in place (health care proxy, durable power of attorney, wills, etc.).
(b) Have a real-life “social network” of folks who have your backs and vice versa. Many of you have family or faith groups who meet this description; for DH and me, as regular readers know, it’s our wonderful neighbors.
(This may not sound like a frugal tip at first. But by the time you work out what you and your network members save through equipment loans, being on hand for emergencies, and other exchanges, it’s frugal, believe me.)
11. Is there anything unique about frugal living in your area?
This is New York State, of course, so taxes and utility bills are high. (Our electric and gas bills are below average because of all the improvements DH made to the house.)
But the cost of living is otherwise not bad, and housing prices are quite low. I’ve lost count of the number of relatives and friends who have exclaimed, “Do you know how much this property would be worth in [the NYC metro area/the San Francisco Bay area/the DC area/etc.]??”
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A. Marie, thank you so much for participating! I am delighted to know more about you now, and I am equally delighted to have a face to put with a name. Now your face and your DH's face will pop up in my brain whenever I read your comments.
A question for you: I am sure that Jane Austen's books top your list of favorites. But I am wondering what other books you love to read.
Relatedly, what's your favorite Jane Austen book and favorite screen adaptation?
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Readers, the floor is yours!
P.S. A. Marie wrote a touching update when her husband passed.
P.P.S. She also shared a fun little teabag Christmas wreath tutorial.
Good morning! It is lovely to be formally introduced to you. The love and compassion that you have for your beloved DH has shown through every word that you have written over the last few years. It has touched my heart.
Although I knew of your love of Jane Austen, I noticed your home is Tudor-style. Are you a complete Anglophile? I am curious, because I am one.
Also, I believe that we attended the same University. Did you graduate from the big school in the middle of the state with a reptilian mascot?
Wishing you love, peace and good health.
Goodness, I'd better get cracking on answering some comments! (This is more fun than organizing my tax paperwork, anyway.)
@Bee, yes, I am (and DH was) very much an Anglophile. One hobby I didn't mention because I'm no longer pursuing it actively is collecting British royal memorabilia. God save the Queen on her Platinum Jubilee! (Not so thrilled about the next generation, though...)
And though I'd be proud to claim you as a fellow alum, I went to the small school on the west coast that's currently the Honors College of Florida.
@A. Marie,
She is a trooper, isn't she!
Dear A Marie, goodness but this resonated with me. I lost my husband to a dementia-related illness almost 2.5 years ago. He spent a couple of years in an assisted living facility before that. Now my mother is unwell (in the same facility, in the same room, in the same bed in which he died!) with similar.
It’s tough, isn’t it? Take care of yourself please.
Kindest wishes from all the way across The Mediterranean,
Mands
@Mands, my heart goes out to you and everyone else here who was, is, or will be a caregiver. And for those who are currently providing care, I can't recommend a better source of online support and advice than the two forums for caregivers run by the Alzheimer's Association at alzconnected.org.
A. Marie, so nice to meet you. I love your Tudor-style house. I lived in one for one year in college, and it made me happy just to walk up to it. Jane Austen. I was an English major in college and read no Austen. More than 20 years later, during the time my mother's health was in decline, I saw part of a movie, then picked up one book, then devoured them all-- Austen was my therapy while my mother was dying. And now I'm involved in a year long buddy-read of all the books. I guess I'm obsessed, and I'm glad I didn't know there was such a thing as Jane Austen Society of North America because I don't have the time. But now it's on my radar.
And those deer! They eat away at my love for gardening a little more each year!
@Jody S., for you and anyone else who might be interested in JASNA, its website is jasna.org. I believe there are now more than 80 regional groups around the US and Canada, plus a few in other countries.
A Marie-
Thank you for being brave and including the photograph of you and DH. It does indeed show so, so much love and it's a wonderful thing to behold. xoxo
@Julie P., thank you. As I said, I almost didn't include that photo, but I'm glad I did.
I am so glad you did too! I love to get to see my readers.
A. Marie, we're nearly the same age and I really feel your words.
re: I don’t mind dying broke; I just don’t want to live that way.
I especially LOVED this. You go, girl!
My best wishes to you and hubby. I know how hard it is for you right now, and it hurts my heart. Take care of yourself too, okay?
@Maria Zannini, I thought I might have picked up "I don't mind..." from somewhere else--but I can't find it on a Google search. So apparently this is my own pearl of wisdom! Glad you enjoyed it.
I have read for many years but never ever comment on this site or any other. I am delurking as a gesture to show how much I appreciate A. Marie's comments every week and willingness to participate more in depth for Meet the Reader. If you knew me in real life, though, the gesture would have more meaning!
It is wonderful and also heartbreaking to put faces with your stories. I have a family member with rapidly advancing dementia and can unfortunately relate. Thank you for sharing a part of your life with this wonderful group of people. You have inspired me to become a better neighbor!
@Former Lurker, thanks so much for delurking, and I'm sure Kristen will agree!
Oh yes, yes! I really love it when people de-lurk. There are a lot of commenters here, but there are thousands more people who read each day and don't comment, and it makes my day when someone pops in to say hi.
What a delightful picture of you and your beloved husband. Thanks for including it. He does indeed have a gentle demeanor.
I'm swooning over your house! That fireplace! I love older, well-kept homes. The ones in my area are well beyond what we can afford so I admire them from afar. 🙂 I will have to remember to show my daughter the picture of your cat with your antique sewing machine. She loves cats .... and sewing ....
It's been nice to get to know you better. Thank you for playing!
@Kris, the sewing machine is a lovely thing, isn't it? It's currently doing duty as a plant stand in our little sunroom. And Betty couldn't have picked a better prop for her "Gotcha" photo if she'd tried!
@A. Marie, New Home was a very respectable maker of excellent sewing machines for a long time. I think the company merged with Janome in recent years. But you might have a sewing treasure if you restore it to working order… Treadle power is in!
It is good to read from you A. Marie. I am very sorry about your husband, a loss before the loss. I like to see the pictures and read the stories of the two of you together! It is touching that you literally still live in the warmth that he has provided.
I love that you are fellow Jane Austen fan. I reread her novels every so many years and they remain wonderful. Although they are all brilliant in their own way, I have a soft spot for Persuasion.
Does your JA Society do any reenactment? It is just that the fashion of that period seems suitable only for warmer weather with its low necklines and thin fabrics! Even for indoors the clothes do not look comfortable.
@J NL, I'm glad to hear you're a JA fan too. And to answer Kristen's question about my favorite novels and adaptations here, I too have a soft spot for Persuasion (both the novel and the 1995 movie with Amanda Root and Ciaran Hinds). Pride and Prejudice was the first of the novels I read and remains another favorite.
@J NL, I forgot to answer your question about reenactments. Yes, JASNA does have many members who love to dress in historically accurate costumes, and two of my best JASNA friends are among them. But DH and I had the most fun and were the most comfortable the year we dressed up as Regency-era servants at the national conference!
@A. Marie, My daughter loves Jane too, and years ago when she was 14 or so, decided to dress up in Regency costume for Halloween. Then at the last minute she decided to be Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, so got out the makeup for that.
I would love for you to write more about LTC insurance. Just turned 50 and have been RN 28 years. I have taken care of residents with Alzheimer’s for a long time. I have seen and heard from families about the policies etc. Hard to know where to start.
@Laurie Villotta, we got our policies from Genworth through AARP. As I said, though, we were lucky to get them over a decade ago. It's gotten to the point where LTCI is almost not a practical option any more because the premiums are so high.
There's also a waiting period (generally 90 service days) before you can start collecting on the insurance. We were also fortunate to be able to spend the waiting period paying DH's home care agency rather than the nursing home; as you can imagine, the agency was a lot less expensive!
LTCI is a minefield! My MIL lived us for six years so we could preserve her nest egg. We finally had to move her to a nearby Board & Care home. She had a policy with Allstate for many years that specifically covered Alzheimer's. She passed away last June and Allstate hasn't paid one red cent. They insist the policy only covers skilled nursing facilities, but she never needed that level of medical care, even though she had full-blown ALZ and was unable to care for herself. It makes me so angry that the promised and paid-for care vanished in a haze of insurance company mumbo-jumbo. The person assigned to handle her claim was unresponsive and incredibly rude. Reaching out to his supervisor produced no tangible results; he is still the person assigned to our case.
Fortunately, because she lived with us for so long, she never ran out of money, but no thanks to Allstate. Our plan is to self-insure and not be at the mercy of a supposedly rock-solid insurance company. Caveat emptor!
Thank you for sharing your story, A. Marie! I'm glad you have a better insurance provider. My in-laws bought their policy from an Allstate agent at their local Sears store, as millions of others did. They paid the premiums for over 35 years and got nothing in return.
@Dicey, Wow, how incredibly frustrating! It is awful that you prepared by getting insurance and then couldn't even use it. *angry and sad faces*
@Dicey, I'm so sorry that's happened to you--especially the part about the rude and unhelpful Allstate personnel. There's no excuse for people acting like that.
We were very fortunate that the Genworth policy covered DH's home care aides (which he had from December 2019 till he entered the nursing home in June 2021, although we did have to do the 90-service-day waiting period first). And our Genworth agent is also our trusted financial advisor, so he's been with me all the way. It isn't just the neighbors who have had my back on this journey.
@Dicey,
May I suggest that you contact your state’s Department of Insurance regulation. You may file a consumer complaint against Allstate on behalf of your mother’s estate if you feel that she unjustly denied coverage as outlined in the policy. The company then must address the complaint and show proof that the policy indeed excluded care received. The state acts as a mediator and enforcer.
I fought our health insurer many years ago using this tactic. After a short period of time, I received a check covering the services. I had been denied coverage 5 times. It was for nearly $8000. Definitely worth the few minutes it took to file the complaint.
@Dicey, what about an elder lawyer? you shouldn't let these people get away with their shenanigans. I am so sorry for what happened to you.
@Bee, One of the ways I try to contribute to the community, since I cannot do much physically, is to help a few people with all the forms that come with illness. As it happens, I am right now working with a woman trying to get the insurance company to pay on a policy for long term care. Thank you for providing the suggestion about the Department of Insurance regulation because I was obsessing about what I could do with a non-responsive agent/company. You may have saved the day for her!
What a blessing you are! I can only imagine how thankful people are to have help like this from someone as experienced as you.
Hello A. Marie!
It's so good to read more about you. I'm so glad you included the picture of you and your husband. I have to admit I didn't include a picture of myself for the reason of sheer vanity - I take the world's worst photos, and even my husband (who was a naval photographer) agrees that no one can take a good photo of me.
Your house is just lovely. Like Kristen, I also want to know, do you have a favorite Austen book? I honestly don't think I could pick just one, myself.
I'm always glad to hear from you, so today this post just made my day! Many blessings on you and your DH as you navigate this stage of life.
@JD, many blessings to you and your DH in return! I hope he's doing well.
@JD, I could probably outdo you on taking the world's worst pictures. My kids had a collection they'd put on their dorm room walls for goodness sake.
Central NY is quite pretty and yes, as you've stated the housing market is much better there than in other places. One can buy a home or even land around Syracuse or Utica for a lot less than they can for other spots within the Northeast.
I joked with my wife that if she and I could go full remote for work I'd want to buy up some property that way (fairly remote if possible) and build a house and have a "farm" (which really just amounts to a giant garden because I'm not interested in having animals, despite thinking cows are adorable.)
The problem just comes down to climate though. While Central NY is gorgeous in the summer, it's darn near uninhabitable in the winter (and I say this as a lifelong New Englander!) Plus, I'm not a big fan of NY politics.
@Battra92, that is why we left NY -- the winters and the politics!!! We loved the summers and fall and lived in Auburn and then the Albany area for a total of 23 years. Heading back to WV because our daughter is in WNY and they won't leave. WV is closer to NY than FL without the high taxes and winters not as brutal.
@Maureen, I swear, travel from Buffalo to Albany (either via the Erie Canal/I-90 route or Rt 20 or even going down to the Southern route) or drive from Albany to Plattsburgh and you will see some of the most beautiful country in the world, particularly in the late summer, early autumn.
Such a shame that NYC has to speak for the whole state and those in their smaller towns get no votes.
Many of us downstaters would be delighted to make our own state and cut upstate loose. But upstate doesn't want that because they desperately need our money.
@Battra92, we live in the Finger Lakes region of NY and it really is so beautiful! The winter is no fun, but we try to embrace it with sledding, winter hiking, and fires in the fireplace. I also remind myself that there is no yardwork in the Winter or shedding cats to clean up after.
This is my second comment, and I hope not an offensive one. I read the post earlier and commented, but I kept thinking about one thing you wrote all through the making of and eating breakfast. "We have no children, by both choice and chance." Do you say "by both choice and chance" because people frequently comment about having no children? Is this a "thing" for those who do not have children, to feel some sort of obligation to explain not having children? Or am I reading too much into the phrase?
I think it bothered me to think that you (or anybody else) might have had so many people pry into their own business that they feel the need to explain that sort of thing.
@Jody S., I can respond to this because I, too, have no children and the answer is yes, the first thing people tend to ask when they meet you is "how many children do you have?" And, yes, it is a prying type question. I can't speak for A. Marie, but for me, the question has become less judgmental over the years. When I was in my childbearing years, there was definitely an undercurrent of "why?" or "what's wrong with you?" in the inquiries. Now, people who ask tend to reply, "I'm sorry." I usually reply that I'm not. Being a mother is not for everyone even though some segments of society feel that is a woman's only purpose in life.
I have made similar experiences. I am still in my childbearing years and don't have children (yet), but not by choice. Maybe I have become a bit too sensitive when it comes to that children question, but I find it more and more intrusive.
Last summer my garden neigbor (who is Turkish - just to explain the cultural background) who had never shown any interest in me and my life, asked me point blank if I had children. I could easily tell that "no" was not the answer he had hoped for and he said that "this wasn't good" as we needed people to build houses etc. in the future.
This was the first time that somebody judged me so openly. Instead of telling him that he had overstepped, I tried to explain and defend myself (and then I went into my garden shed and cried...).
Of course there is a language and cultural barrier between my neigbor and me (plus he is about 40 years older), but since that incident I am very reserved towards him...
@Jody S., "by both choice and chance" has become my standard reply over the years--for the reasons that Bobi mentioned, I suppose. It does seem to short-circuit any prying.
@Christine81, I'm sorry you had that experience. I don't recall having any that were point-blank *that* bad, but I did have a few.
@Christine81 - That is so horrible and I'm sorry someone treated you like that!
@Jody S., Sorry to butt in...but as someone who is happily married and also childfree by choice (and chance...definitely adopting that, if you don't mind, A. Marie!), I must say that this topic/question struck a chord with me...
I've been happily married for a long time. We were very upfront with our families about not wanting kids since before we were even married. For the most part, they all accepted it. I mean, My sister once said she HAD to have a third child "since her kids weren't getting cousins" and my grandmother has made random comments over the years about how she is sad for me about it; but, outside of those sporadic occasions, our families have let us be for the most part...
It's everyone else. Random acquaintances...people in lines...friends of other friends you meet at parties...the minute they ask about kids (which they always do, because that's just normal, common small talk...and I totally get it) and you tell them you don't have or want any, you are often met with variations of the following:
-Well, why not?
-Do you hate kids?
-That's selfish
-Oh, well, you'll change your mind
-But who will take care of you when you are old?
-That's smart
My "favorite" responses have been when other women respond with something akin to surface-level verbal acceptance followed up with an "although I never felt like a complete woman until I had children" comment. I also once had someone I just met ask me if I had I been abused as a child.
So yes, many times people who choose not to have children are constantly made "to feel some sort of obligation to explain not having children." At least that has been my experience. I try to let it go as I know most people are just genuinely curious or well-meaning. Most parents cannot imagine their lives without their children, and rightfully so. I do understand that I am purposefully missing out on something very special. But constantly having to be made to feel like you "have" to explain major personal life choices to strangers can definitely grate when you aren't in the mood.
@Jody S., yes, it is a thing (unfortunately). I'm still in my child-bearing years, but luckily since I've been married almost 10 years no one asks me anymore when I'm having kids. Early marriage, though, I was fielding that question left and right, and people just could not comprehend the fact we did not want children. Since where I live (the midwest) having kids is still very much the norm, and we are outliers, people almost felt like they needed to justify having their kids and question why I wouldn't want such *joy* in my life. Look, have all the kids you want. I literally do not care how you run your life. I am happy you are happy with your choices! I am just as happy with my choices, if you can believe it.
Lots of questions and the occasional side comments from my MIL about how she would have 8 grandchildren because "of course all of her kids were going to give her two grandbabies..." Early in our marriage I vented about this topic to my husband in frustration to which he replied "really? no one ever asks ME when we're having kids" ... of course not.
@Bobi, Yesssssss. Well said, Bobi.
@Florence, I feel the same way. I am still in those child-bearing years, but have been with my husband for over 15 and we were both adamant from the start. The question volume has gone down for sure, but not completely disappeared. And it does seem to be mostly women who get asked and/or do the asking. Like it is a personal affront.
@Val C., yup. My theory is that people are more hesitant to ask me now because it could be a hard conversation if we HAD been trying all this time and hadn’t been conceiving.
@Val C., and others who have replied to my comment, thanks for your perspective. I had no idea it was such a "thing." My own experience, having 7 children, has been more in line with Kristen's. While most people who comment have said lovely things about our family, there have been some stinkers. "Don't you know how that happens?" "You must be crazy." "You two need a tv." And so on. Once my sister, when I told her we were expecting #5, said, "Oh, no." That was a heart-breaker.
None of us should be made to feel we need to explain decisions like these to strangers. Few of us are ever in the mood for that 🙂 But I'll bet some of you have come up with some zinger responses! (I'm not quick-thinking enough for that.)
@Jody S., we have one child, who is now 31. I got a lot of grief in the neo-Baby Boom 1990s for having a singleton, even though getting that one baby here on earth nearly killed the baby and me. When people made some crack about us having another, I smiled and said, "We quit now that this one is able to breathe his own." It shut most of them right up really fast.
@Val C., I was standing next to my younger sister, who has no children, when someone said to her, "You'll never know real love until you have a child." Of all the offensive things I have heard people say, that is right up there at the top.
My goodness, that is an awful thing to say.
One of the first things I thought of, as a Christian, is that by this logic, Jesus would have not known real love. Imagine!
@Jody S., @Jody S., yes, I chose not to have children for reasons that are my own and it was something my husband and I discussed a lot before marriage. It was not a decision we made lightly, or selfishly, or frivolously. I’ve been a lurker for years and only recently started commenting…but I remember Kristen’s post a while back with a thread on some of the awful things people say to families with lots of children. “Close your legs” and such other rude comments. So inappropriate. We all have different paths. We all make different choices. And, so long as we are acting morally and not hurting anyone else, we are all “right.” Right for you was being a mom.
@Lindsey, yes, I’ve had someone say that me also. I mean, go ahead and think it, but you don’t need to tell me I will never be complete or experience real love. How cruel lol
@Val C., That's really beyond cruel. I like to think that, even if I'd not had my children, I experienced real love with my parents. (In fact, I know I experienced real love with many people!)
@Ruby, I used to get this a lot, and my daughter is only five. I don’t understand people who put pressure on anyone to have kids. For all anyone knew, I could have been struggling with secondary infertility, but random strangers at the grocery store felt free to tell me I needed to have a sibling for my daughter. It was awful and used to really upset me.
Now that she’s getting older, people feel less free to comment. But it was really bad for a while there. I try not to ask just because you never know what might be a sensitive point for someone.
@Florence, no kids for me either. Our parents were pretty bad for a few years; it surprised me how much they wanted grandchildren but never said a word about the good side of having kids. I did a lot of babysitting and youth work as a young woman and believe that people would not push so hard for kids if they were honest. There is no shortage of people to love, and kids who need thinking adults in their lives. My husband’s students ARE his kids, and I felt the same about my students. We are all so much better off, especially kids, when each one is wanted.
It was so nice to "meet" you A. Marie! I've always enjoyed your comments, and it's clear from reading how much you love your partner, and how you've worked through this transition to get the right outcome for everyone in such a difficult phase of life. Sending you all kinds of internet hugs.
Putting solar on our house was one of our favorite projects we've done! We're in California, so we get quite a bit of sun year round, and it makes me feel good & largely supplies our power needs.
@Hawaii Planner, your solar will probably pay for itself long before ours will, here in cloudy Upstate. But we did it because DH was working in home energy performance at the time, and because (like you) we felt it was the right thing to do.
A. Marie,
Thanks for sharing your story. I wish you the best as you navigate this journey of your life. Hugs to you.
I love that you have the original Tightwad Gazette newsletters. I just have the Complete book.
@K D, thank you. And the most fun part of having Mom's original newsletters (the earlier ones in the series) is seeing her name and address hand-written in the address section, with actual 29-cent stamps for postage!
A. Marie, thank you so much for sharing, and especially for the picture of you and your husband - just beautiful. I love the community you have with your neighbors - our area is pretty transitory, with people commuting long distances, so sometimes days go by without even seeing neighbors. But it's something to aim for, and try to cultivate!
I hear you about the LTC insurance too. So many of the companies have dropped out. We're vaguely thinking about hybrid life insurance/LTC products, but it's hard to know what's a good deal, with a company who will be in it for the long haul (the whole point).
(I also get a kick out of Betty, both her name and her outlook on life! : )
@Suz, both Betty and I thank you for the kind words. And she does have "cattitude" to spare.
A. Marie! Hello. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who admires you.
Thank you, A. Marie, for sharing so honestly. I've been so impressed with your journey through your DH's dementia. You have handled it so beautifully! I've been going through the same with my mom and as difficult as that is, I simply can't imagine the loss and stress of it with a spouse. Your house is gorgeous; I also admire your determination in staying there alone, I don't think I could do that. You are clearly a strong, courageous woman!
@Bobi and @Karen., many thanks to you both! And although I used to say that I plan to live in this house till I leave feet first, I'm enough of a realist now that I'll go quietly of my own accord when my own health or other issues require it.
A. Marie, that is such a lovely photo of you and your husband. Your house reminds me of one up the avenue from our neighborhood that I particularly like. They do not make them like that any more. And your good cat Betty is a darling girl!
My mother had early onset Alzheimer's and once she got past the stage of being upset and confused, she was the most at peace she'd probably been in her whole life. She too was gentle and sweet, and the people taking care of her just loved her. Those were the blessings that came out of that dreadful process of losing her.
Your advice about being prepared is spot-on. We don't have crystal balls to predict the future, so that's the very best we can do.
@Ruby, your "crystal ball" comment echoes one I sometimes make to people who don't entirely get it about Alzheimer's and ask, "Well, what's going to happen next?" I reply, "I don't know. My crystal ball is a little cloudy."
My mother gave me her favorite book, Pride and Prejudice, to read when I was 9. I've been hooked ever since. Though the past few days I've been re-reading Cranford--a little later than Jane, obviously.
I don't need to join another society, though! I am life members of two, both art-related, and a member of a literature-related one.
I like Tudor style homes! We have some in the town where I live, put there by the town developer in the 1920s. My house is older, though, a wooden fisherman's cottage.
Re having kids: it's a natural thing to ask about, isn't it? When you meet someone? Are they single, are they married, do they have kids?
@Rose, As long as the question is not judgemental... People don't usually get asked why they are married and have children.
I was kind of thinking the same thing; it seems like the deciding factors are things like the tone of the question, the response to whatever answer the other person gives, and so on.
If someone says they're single, or they don't have kids, it's not appropriate to follow that up with responses or further questions that communicate judgment, and it seems like judgmental response are more common than they should be!
@Christine81, asking why is off base. It's no one else's business.
@Rose, why is definitely off base, but so is "when?" which (years back) was the assumption and the one that probably disturbed childless women the most.
I had just gotten a new job (in the 80s) and lost some weight after initially taking the job. Unbeknownst to me, another co-worker had lost weight and then gotten pregnant. One day another co-worker congratulated me on my weight loss and then said, "I guess you'll be getting pregnant soon!" I was shocked and confused. She explained about the other co-worker and then giggled!
When are you having children? was a common question when I got married and the assumption was that everyone was going to.
Thankfully we've come a long way since then, but hopefully you can understand how these kind of inappropriate comments might have colored the perspective of childless women.
@Bobi, I do. That was rude even in the 80s, which I'm old enough to remember.
However, I get all kinds of questions with awkward answers too. How many brothers and sisters do I have? Two. Three if I mention the one who died as a teenager. Do I leave him out or insert him in for an awkward pause?
I'm divorced. Most people think that means I escaped from an unhappy marriage. Nope, it was a happy marriage. Why do my kids still live at home/are in college at age 25 and 27? Do I not want them to move out? Am I some kind of possessive mother? Would I like to join the pickleball team? No, I can't, I'm disabled. I look fine to you? Well, trust me on this one.
I tend to think everyone has to deal with annoying questions with painful answers.
@Rose, I definitely agree. Every single question that is asked in "small talk" has the potential of causing pain in some way, shape, or form. However, sometimes it really is not the fault of the one asking...he or she is simply trying to be polite or friendly. I do agree that we need to be more thoughtful in how we ask, and practice empathy and understanding, especially in "small talk." Love to you.
@Rose, of course everyone has to deal with rude people asking painful questions with painful answers. And most people are definitely well-meaning, for sure. I just think childless women are asked such questions with much more regularity than people realize. Because asking about children IS normal. And people will say a lot to you when they think you will, of course, be joining the parenthood ranks once you "change your mind" or "your clock starts ticking" anyway. Like you don't know your own mind or something inside you is broken. Imagine if people were asking you those questions you listed above on an almost daily or weekly basis? It wears.
So nice to see you and your photos and to see a photo of DH whom I have read about. It is such a tough decision to place someone in full time care. But you absolutely know it was the right thing to do. Your house is absolutely gorgeous. Love Betsy. We have been trying to get a rescue pup and are having so much trouble. Bid-A-Wee offered us a puppy afraid of people, when we live in the city and have two young kids. I started off with Tightwad Gazette because I didn't want to live check to check like most of the young people in my office did. Good luck to you. I have a network of neighbors who help out when I need them. They are truly a blessing.
@Anita Isaac, our second dog had some issues, too: She was an abandonment case and had severe separation anxiety. We did our best to roll with it, but I must admit that after Dinger, we've confined ourselves to cats.
@A. Marie, I would just add that having grown up without cousins or siblings I had a very lonely life. I did not have a group of neighbors to help me then, even though I lived in an apt. I did have a dog. A Schippperke named Licorice. I married late in life. But we had kids in an unusual way. So now I get crazy looks that an old lady like me has young kids. But my kids are the best and stuff that bothers young mothers doesn't bother me in the least. If they wanted to live with me forever that would be fine. Except we live in 750 sq. f.t My kids are polite. I wish they were better at bringing their dishes to the sink. And throwing out their trash. But no one is perfect. Everyone should be able to choose for themselves the way they want to live their life without interference from outsiders.
I LOVE the picture of you & your husband with the old fashioned plow! I have a similar plow passed down from my maternal grandparents’ farm. I seriously need to replace the wooden handles/pieces on mine though.
@LDA, our plow handles aren't in such great shape either, as you can see! DH had one tenant a while back who used to pay part of his rent in old farm equipment, including the plow. I've enjoyed passing on some of the other pieces in turn to younger folks who appreciate them.
Thank you for sharing your story, with photos!
Is the framed cartoon on the fireplace a "Calvin and Hobbes"?
@Heidi Louise, the cartoon I think you're referring to is one I did. It's an illustration of a dream DH had many years ago, in which he saw a creature he called the "Elongospottopotamus"--an extra-long, spotted hippopotamus. (This sort of thing is among what I miss most about him.) I tried to draw it as he described it, and although it came out looking a bit like a dachshund with chicken pox, he framed it anyway.
@A. Marie, Ha! That is an artwork, not a cartoon. I like the story of how your husband framed it. Those kinds of things very much make up a good marriage.
I meant the one in the black frame on the right.
@Heidi Louise, that one is a cartoon by a JASNA friend about Fordyce's Sermons. For Pride and Prejudice fans, this is what Mr. Collins thinks will be suitable reading matter for the Bennet family (not!). I actually did both a book review and an article for JASNA about Fordyce's Sermons; hence the choice of cartoon.
A. Marie,
I live down the thruway just 80 minutes west of you. Those deer, rabbits and voles have made gardening almost impossible - only thing they don't seem to like is collards. Love the picture of you and your husband and wish you the best.
@sandy hill, my deer feel the same way about my kale as yours do about your collards: They won't eat it until there's nothing else available. But in the winter weather we've had since early January, they've even eaten the kale down to stumps!
Having had a pretty high number of kids at a young age, I have not experienced this myself. But from listening to other people, I have gathered that people do ask intrusive questions when they find out you don't have kids!
Now, I have experience on the other end of things; I think I've mentioned this before, but one time a little old lady came up to me at the grocery store. At the time I was pregnant with Zoe and had my three other kids in tow. She asked if the kids were all mine, and I said yes. And then she sidled up and said, "Next time, keep your legs shut!"
At this point in time, I think this is a funny story, but at the time, I was too shocked to speak. I did not expect that to come out of an older person's mouth!
She probably would have been a little embarrassed if she knew my exceedingly chaste history; married at 19 to the only guy I'd ever dated, married for two years before having kids, and all four are with the same husband. I have never even held hands with anyone other than my husband.
@Kristen, my mom always said never judge someone unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. Still good advice. We can never know what someone else is going through. Too many people speak before thinking. 😉
@Kristen, My grandmother apparently asked my mother why she was having a third. After all, she had a boy and a girl (me)--why did she want a third? I don't remember what my mom said but it probably wasn't "Mind your own business."
Mom had my sister, then a stillbirth, then my other brother. My grandmother was good to us--she and my grandfather lived within walking distance and if we just showed up on a random Sunday, she acted excited. Tact was not her long suit.
Come to think of it, she poked her finger in my nose when I was about 16 and said, "You'll have to marry a short man or your children will be giants." (I'm six feet tall.) I said, "I'm not getting married or having children. Ever." I said that just to annoy her, because I've always wanted a family. My grandmother went around sputtering how I'd change my mind, etc, and I kept saying Oh no I won't. That said, my kids are 6' 5" and 5'11".
@Kristen, I remember this coming up on another post a while back (I have de-lurked since then lol) and thinking the same thing: just be quiet people! Haha. I don't understand why people feel the need to pass judgment or make passive aggressive comments to strangers about things that don't concern them. Your lovely four children and my lack thereof are no one's business but our own.
Is it weird that I am happy for you (an internet stranger) that you have such a beautiful picture of you and your husband? So often, especially in this digital age, we have so many pictures that don't really represent who we are or what we are about. Yours seems so genuine. Thank you for sharing your story and for being so real.
@CrunchyCake, thanks for the "so real" comment. As DH and I always said, what you see is what you get with us.
Hi, A. Marie! I love your house. I do like the traditional architecture here in New Mexico, but I really do miss the variety of old styles in upstate NY. Those old rust belt cities had money in them at just the right time to build quite a lot of really nice residences.
@kristin @ going country, our street is an early example of an attempt at an upscale suburb (it was outside the city lines at the time; the city trolley line ended four blocks west of here). And, thank goodness, our houses have survived when so many others here haven't. It helps that the street is a fairly secluded cul-de-sac; I tell people it's "the best-kept secret" in our city.
A. Marie, thank you so much for sharing about your life and beautiful home.
@Katy Wolk-Stanley, thank you. This means a lot.
A. Marie, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am somewhat of a lurker: though I have been reading the Frugal Girl since Kristen's kids were little, I've only commented a few times.
My husband and I are also childless by choice, but not by chance. We have had a fair amount of blowback from my very large Catholic family over the years, but now that I am past child-bearing age, it's better. 😉 Not everyone is meant to have kids, and everyone's reasons are different and personal. Though it is kind of irritating that we are not considered a "family" because there are only two of us . . .
I love the picture of you and your husband! I hope that the rest of your journey together is happy. I'm sure it's tough for you right now, so sending love and prayers.
@Janie H, we were spared the family blowback--which I'm sure we would have had from DH's Catholic family with some Greek Orthodox in-laws thrown in--because the "by chance" issue was known. But I do indeed hear you about not being considered a "family" because we were childless. I always felt we were at the bottom of DH's family-of-origin pecking order for that reason. (Thank heavens, my family of origin didn't give a hoot.)
A.Marie- what a pleasure it is to read more about you! I have followed your journey here and on the NonConsumer Advocate site. You are an inspiration and it feels you are navigating a tough chapter with a lot of strength, compassion, humor and honesty. That said - I know it is very tough. So glad you included the photo. I am sure many readers think of you as someone they would be honored to be friends with.
My thoughts on people asking about children.... It does feel intrusive and I wonder why people feel they can ask about something so personal? I know sometimes they are just making small talk or trying to find some commonality- but beyond that I think it is inappropriate. I met someone a few years ago whose "ice breaker" question was something along the lines of "so what do you like to do in free time"?. I thought that was genius and inclusive.
Thanks again for sharing.
@Jean, I agree with the free time question!
I read somewhere long ago that an opening question for the British royals at outdoor receptions or dedications where there were long lines was, "Have you been waiting long?" That has a friendly interest and opens up a variety of possible answers, (where they're from, how they got there, how long it took), while being quite open ended.
@Heidi Louise, I can vouch for the British royal opening question. When Prince Charles and Princess Diana were on what turned out to be their last overseas tour together (Canada 1991), DH and I drove up to Kingston, Ontario (about 2.5 hours NW of here) to see them. We were in the section of the crowd outside Kingston City Hall that both of them "worked," and Charles's questions were "Have you been waiting long? Have you all been frozen here?" (NB: It *was* a frosty morning...)
And, sadly, Diana seemed to be under orders not to upstage Charles and confined her remarks to "Hi" and "Hello." But I still have the photo album of the occasion DH put together. That, plus my complete set of Tightwad Gazettes, may be among the items I'll have to mention specifically in a codicil to my will.
A. Marie, Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed seeing the sweet photo of you and your husband. Your home is gorgeous! I was lucky enough to be able to purchase a LTCI policy through a prior employer back in 2008. I make sure my premiums are paid promptly. I don't want that policy to cancel, or I will be out of luck.
A. Marie - I have always had a deep appreciation for your honest, thoughtful, and loving comments on this blog. I was delighted when I saw that you were featured in this "Meet a Reader". The photo of you and your DH has brought tears to my eyes. I've kept up with your journey with him, and could feel the love you have for him. This photo embodies all of that, and the deep love he has for you. Thank you, so much, for sharing. With love from a fellow rust belt city, Katie in Buffalo. <3
What a sweet picture of you and DH and you are correct no words needed, the picture says it all. And I love the setting.
And I love the picture of the tomatoes, so much color. I am in a community garden at my church. We are constantly filled with a wating list because no one can grow anything in their yards because of the healthy deer population.
I wonder what the original settlers did when the land was run over by all types of creatures, how they kept their gardens from being decimated. They needed the food they grew.
@karen, the original settlers were so busy picking off the deer for meat that the deer population was kept in check. Unfortunately, for various reasons (primarily suburban sprawl, but also declining numbers of hunters in NY State, etc.), the deer now have no significant predators here--hence the population explosion. Even our local coyotes (yes, we do have some) can't do more than put a dent in it.
LONG time reader, very infrequent commenter here, but I have loved this series to 'meet' more readers.
As an insurance agent I just wanted to add that for 'younger' aged people looking for LTC policies, it might make more sense to look into short and long term disability policies which are actually used much more frequently. Many companies will also allow you to convert your short term disability policy into a long term policy if needed. Just an FYI!
A. Marie, it's so great to meet you! You were one of the first names I recognized when I first started reading this blog and The Non-Consumer Advocate about 2 years ago. You helped ground and welcome me at a time when I thought (briefly) that DH and DD and DS were people's actual initials and when I thought all the friendly, supportive comments meant commenters actually knew one another in real life. Love having pics of you and your husband and your beautiful home now to go along with your comments!
My father has severe dementia at the age of 70 and it got to the point where my mom had to make the same decision about putting him in a care facility in 2020. It always seems to hit the best people and it's just so incredibly unfair. You have my utmost respect and compassion as a caregiver and I hope you are taking care of yourself too.
A. Marie, how wonderful to finally see your face!! And the adored husband's face, too. I have to say, I envy you having the Tightwad papers in their original form--I would love to see what was left out of the books. Thank you for being brave enough to post.
A. Marie, I was so happy that you are Meet a Reader today, and loved reading your story this morning and checking back several times today. I, too, loved your picture. It defines life-long love. When I read your reason for including it, I actually got all teary.
Glad to hear your husband has retained his sweet nature. That must mean he’s in a place of peaceful acceptance.
In one of your replies you mentioned the fun in seeing your mother’s early Tightwad Gazettes that had hand-written addresses and 29 cent stamps — that is exactly something that would delight me. Not that long ago but what a different world now.
Hello A. Marie! I don't comment very often, but I wanted to tell you that I was reading this article, and got to the part with the anniversary picture of you and your husband just as my 10-year-old emerged from the kitchen with her (very frugal) snack. She lurks (not looks) over my shoulder, and says "who's that? He looks nice." And I had to agree. He looks nice. Sincerely, thank you so much for sharing.
Gosh, A. Marie, it’s a total joy to have your interview! Like everybody, I’ve followed your journey avidly, am impressed with your good humor and tremendous strength in the face of a difficult decision, and felt that I "know" you and your DH personally.
And now we have the most delightful and entirely perfect photo of you both! Such love! And your kitty fits right in, too.
Much love and good wishes to you in your gorgeous house which you’ve so clearly made a home.
A. Marie, you made my day. I sort of felt like I already knew you, through your comments, and I also loved reading every bit of this. My very favorite part, though, was the picture of you and your husband! I'm so very glad that you included it.
A. Marie, it is so lovely to finally meet you! I always enjoy your comments! Your house is beautiful and the love you have for your DH is so visible even through a screen. <3
Hi A. Marie, it was so nice to read about your life. I don't post often but I'm trying to post more. I always look for your response in the comments to hear your latest news. As the other's have said, thanks for posting a picture, it was very sweet of the two of you.
Your home is gorgeous. My brother planted a large raised bed garden and said it turned out to be an all you can eat salad bar for the deer. Your tomatoes look delicious.
My MIL has dementia and since my husband and I are the caregivers, I know what a challenge it can be. You seem to have so much grace in a difficult situation.
Thanks for sharing the picture of you and your husband! What a gem!
I also love the picture of your beautiful tomatoes. I recently read a book about tomatoes in preparation for the next gardening season and will be trying some golden tomatoes for the first time.
I've never heard the term "urban logger" before, but that's fantastic how your husband was able to get so much firewood! You are both very resourceful. Your interview was a pleasure to read.
Hello Neighbor! I was so happy to see that you are this week's Meet a Reader! It's so nice to get to know a bit more about you and see you and your DH. As so many others have said, your love for each other is obvious. It's really beautiful to see.
Thank you for sharing, A. Marie!
A. Marie, it's great to meet you. I love the picture of you and your DH. It shows the love you have for each other. Your home is stunning!! Thank you!
Great to read this, as I, too, always enjoy A. Marie’s comments and outlook. Great photos, beautiful home, wow! those tomatoes! Wishing all the best!
What a lovely post! The love you and your DH have for each other shines through, and in the photo too. I am familiar with the pain of Alzheimer’s too, as I cared for my mother through it, and for my dad through losing her to it. The decisions you’ve made are difficult ones and I’m glad you’re at peace with them.
A. Marie’s story has moved me so much, I’m commenting publicly for the first time in 9 years! I looked after my father for almost 4 years after he began to suffer from vascular brain issues. He, like A. Marie’s husband, was a gentle soul. I believe Dad actually became kinder as his disease progressed. Caring for him made me a better person, and helped me to set a good example for my own children. Although it wasn’t easy, I consider that time as a gift, not a burden, and imagine A. Marie feels much the same.
As a side note - I also own a Lopi wood stove and am basking in its warmth as I type this!
A. Marie, I can't even imagine the stress and heartache. I admire your grace.
Thanks for sharing your story A. Marie! I live about 30 miles north of you, and while not a huge fan of our snow I feel like our spring, summer and especially fall seasons are so beautiful it balances out. It is nice to see a Central New York resident featured. NY tends to get some grief (the comments here show just a little of that) but to me everywhere has good and bad and much of our happiness comes from perspective, not location. Your home is lovely, and the photo of you and your husband is beautiful and clearly captures your love for one another.
A. Marie, I always enjoyed your comments on the nonconsumer advocate. I’ve been reading that for years and stumbled upon frugal girl about a year ago and saw you and several others that I recognized from NCA. Your writing style always touched me and your sharing of you and your husband‘s journey with his Alzheimer’s was eloquently explained. I’m so sorry the both of you have gone through this but we all appreciate your sharing.
Alexandra
A very interesting read today. Thanks