It's called a thankfulness exercise for a reason
Since we've been doing thankfulness posts every week around here for a while, thankfulness has been on my mind a lot.
(There are worse things that could be on my mind!)
In particular, I've been thinking about how thankfulness is just not easy.
Or natural.
Or our default.
If we relax our imaginary thankfulness muscles, most of us are going to sink down into a state of ingratitude.
Avoiding the rut
It's sort of like we're driving along a road, trying desperately to stay out of a rut. And as soon as we stop trying to avoid the rut, boom!
Our wheels slide right down into the ingratitude rut again.
I suppose a lot of things in life are like that; without specific, focused, consistent effort, things go in a direction we don't want them to.
If we don't keep an eye on our budget, we tend to spend more than we should.
If we don't keep an eye on what we're eating, we tend to eat too much sugar and not enough vegetables.
(Muffins are more fun to eat than spinach. And that's just a fact.)
If we don't keep an eye on how we spend our time, we can spend three hours on Instagram and none on laundry/cleaning/reading books/any number of other worthy pursuits.
(This is a self-roast, incidentally. Please see my drastic Instagram measures here, necessitated by my lack of self-control.)
Walking Upstream
To use another metaphor, pursuing good things in your life is like walking upstream.
- It takes effort to make any forward progress
- If you stop putting in effort, you will make backward progress
This could be a little discouraging. We have to put in effort every day until we die??
<keels over from exhaustion at the thought>
BUT.
There's another truth at play too:
- The more you practice walking upstream, the stronger your muscles become
The currents will still be pushing just as strongly.
And if you stop pushing against the current, you will still be swept downstream.
But when your muscles get stronger, it's not as hard to push against the currents.
And that means you can make more progress with less exhaustion.
It's called exercise for a reason
The process of looking for things to be thankful for is often called a "gratitude exercise" or "gratitude practice".
Both of these words suggest effort.
It's not called a "gratitude relaxation", after all!
Not only does "exercise" suggest effort, it also suggest a growth in strength.
I've seen multiple scholarly articles, such as this one, share new research showing that our brains actually do change when we exercise our gratitude muscles.
The more our thoughts travel the gratitude "pathways", the better the pathway gets.
That makes future trips down the gratitude pathway easier, and that encourages more trips, which in turn makes the gratitude pathway better and better.
What does this mean for you?
Two things:
1. You're normal if gratitude is hard for you
If gratitude feels hard or unnatural, you should know there is nothing wrong with you. Gratitude is hard for everyone!
You should not conclude something like, "I must be the sort of person who is not good at gratefulness." or, "I guess I just don't have a grateful personality. Oh well."
Nope. Your gratitude muscles might be pretty weak and flabby, but I promise they are there.
2. You can get better at being grateful
Is it going to take some work? Will it be really tough at first?
Yep and yep.
But hard does not equal impossible.
You have choices! And you have control! You can train your brain to be better at gratitude.
With enough practice, you might even find yourself inadvertently thinking grateful thoughts.
Two things to try
1. Do some regular thankfulness practice
Join us here on Thankful Thursdays. Make a list in a notebook every morning or every night. Text a friend weekly to share three things you're thankful for.
Just pick something you can do regularly.
Practice, and be patient; this Berkeley article says that it takes time to see the benefits of gratitude exercises.
2. Try following a complaining thought with a grateful one.*
I don't know if there are studies proving this*, but for me, complaining begets more complaining.
(*The Berkeley article I linked to earlier does touch on negative words a bit.)
Basically, if I focus on the negative stuff, I feel even more negative.
I don't expect myself to pretend that everything is grand, of course. I just feel better mentally if I acknowledge the bad thing but then avoid excessive dwelling on it.
And for me, complaining falls squarely into the dwelling bucket, not the acknowledging bucket.
You will not be 100% successful at avoiding complaining thoughts or words, but it might help to try to follow a complaint with a grateful thought.
*Please note: Apply this second point to yourself, not to others. If a coworker vents or complains to you and you helpfully suggest a grateful thought they could have ("at least xyz didn't happen to you!"), you might get slapped. It's probably not going to be received very well by most people, so zip your lips and focus your energy on your own gratefulness.
I'd love to hear your thoughts. Is gratitude tough for you? If you've practiced it for a while, did it get easier?
P.S. I am not addressing things like clinical depression; I'm not a mental health professional, and I have read mixed studies about how much gratefulness helps relieve depression or anxiety (some say yes, it helps, others say it's not much more effective than a placebo activity).
Regardless, there are lots of other benefits of gratitude, and that's what I'm writing about in this post.
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A few years back I felt that my kids were being way to whiny and not appreciating life. And frankly, it wasn't just them... adults were struggling too. Something about having 3 small kids 5 years apart and all sorts of other stuff that really made us feel and act whiny.
So it's now been several years that saying grace at dinnertime is a time to be grateful. We hold hands, and each of us since one thing that we are grateful for that day; and it can be anything! our youngest has been grateful for ketchup more than once, and then one of the adults closes with a more general gratefulness for our family, our day, our food.
Yesterday youngest was grateful for rice, the middle kid was grateful for me making dinner, the oldest was grateful for naps, my husband was grateful for our health and our family being together and I was grateful for the cool breeze after so many weeks of HOT hot days, for our sewing machine and being able to make projects.
We do this with guests too, they also their own about whatever (and visiting kids have been grateful for potatoes, for friends, for hot dogs) and it has really brought in a special moment to our family every day, and while it was not diminished the whinyness (now it's 2 teenagers and 1 tween), it has I think made us all be calmer and more quietly joyful.
I agree that being grateful is a struggle and it's a choice we make every day to see the beauty around us
This is a wonderful tradition. This is a wonderful gift to give your children.
We also give thanks at dinner. One November when my husband was deployed we wrote them on the leaves of a tree printed on fabric, and it still hangs next to our table. My children, 2, 3, and 4 at the time were thankful for big things (friends who faithfully stepped in to fill the gap of my husband being gone) and little things (forks! spoons! stickers!). The harder the day, the more thankful I am for our time of thanksgiving at our dinner table.
I am my mother's carer and she finds fault with almost everything. It truly affects my mood.
Recently I read that to start the day by saying, "Good morning Jesus." I am going to give this the best shot I can. I meant to this morning but mum woke me by screaming at me. As soon as I remembered I said good morning to Jesus. I think this idea comes from Mother Theresa.
My hugs and prayers go out to you. It’s truly difficult to take care of someone demanding and negative. I only had a short time of doing that, and it was really hard. God bless you!
Big hugs to you. I can imagine how tough that must be. Caregiving is hard anyway, and then getting criticism on top of it? Oof.
The screaming is part of her health issues. My mother was screaming too. It was devastating emotionally. If I had known what was going to happen next as illness progresses it would have eased the shock I felt.
Oh you poor girl. I pray that there is some way around this. God bless.
This was a terrific post and something I and others needed to hear given how we've been feeling.
It's clear we are not alone in the challenge of feeling and expressing gratitude in these tough-for-everyone times.
I've long had a practice of focusing on what I am grateful for especially when times are challenging. I've tried even harder during the pandemic.
One thing I've observed is that no matter how frequent I sit and either speak aloud or write what I am, in that moment, grateful for that is has not necessarily reduced my feelings of vulnerability. And it no longer supplies any lasting stress-relief.
The bottom line: You can be deeply and sincerely grateful and appreciative and remain stressed, vulnerable and fearful.
I would add that trying to suppress those also-genuine feelings is a waste of time. The key is, of course, to not dwell.
I find that I can move through my moments of despair and depression by reminding myself that 1/It's ok and normal to have these feelings. 2/ That sometimes I will need to work hard to very consciously redirect my mind and focus. 3/I find that doing something I like or that needs my attention (whether reading or cleaning or doing dishes) helps distract me. And sometimes, distraction is all you can do.)
So yes, accept that being grateful is not easy when times are tough and so much IS out of our control. Fear and vulnerability are natural in the face of the pandemic. So, we do what we can and try not to allow fear to overcome us so that we forget what we do have to be grateful for.
Some days, it is the smallest of things (electricity, hot, running water; a place to live; food to eat).
What generally helps a lot: To look around at the world and realize how much more difficult it is for so many others. That snaps me right around because between fires, pandemic, hurricanes, poverty, people who have no food or home...I've got plenty. More than that, it inspires me to think: Right now, what can I do to improve the quality of life for someone else?
Shifting focus as well as daily (multiple times a day, some days!) gratitude practice requires patience, effort (sigh) and resolve. But it is essential. And I should say that if you in your circumstances are so anxious that taking medication should be considered? Please please please do not feel bad or that something is wrong with you. Each of us has different responses to our individual and greatly varying circumstances and the presence or absence of people and other resources.
Do not be ashamed that even when you are grateful, you are sometimes still fearful, frustrated and, let's face it, angry at the way the world is changing.
Yep. Gratefulness is useful, but it is not a silver bullet, and it doesn't erase all the problems in our lives.
It just helps us to see our lives a little more accurately. It's easy to see all the things that are terrible and to be blind to the things that are not terrible.
THis reminds me of what many have cautioned re prayers. Prayer is no guarantee of results, nor should it be viewed as if it were a "Dear Santa/God" list of things we want.
Gratitude is about shifting focus. Not pretending things are perfect. But acknowledging what IS working and how much we appreciate that. Grousing and gratitude are NOT mutually exclusive. One does not cancel out the other.
One comment, folks who tell others they complain too much? You might want to ask yourself what pain someone is experiencing, what fears, what vulnerabilities--and rather than criticize, think about how you can help them. Create a space/environment where they can express themselves. You might find that they will have less to complain about. Help them think of what they CAN do.
The issue isn't complaining, to my mind. It's about helping someone do what they can do. When I find myself being very upset and grousing, I ask: OK. fine, but now what can you do about this. And then doing it or just learning to live with it (because we do have to live with some horrible stuff and that's always been the case).
I do the same with friends, family. Ok. Legit complaint. Now, let's see if we can't find a way to put energy into getting this fixed. If you can't, then let's find a way to live with it without allowing it to cloud our thinking and feeling.
One way that I do that is to allow myself maybe 15 minutes or a half hour a day where I just vent my frustration. THEN...that's it for the day. Back in the box.
Limits. Not allowing it to dominate our lives.
Yes, very much so. I still remember a soccer teammate of mine in middle school--who was a notably cheery person--remark one day "You complain all the time." She was actually not being mean about it, just stating a fact, which made it all the more notable to me. As of that moment 27 years ago, I started to be much more careful about not voicing my complaints, and in later years, tried harder to not even voice them to myself. Or at least to bring myself up short when I start down that road. Because I am very aware that none of them are really all that bad. Comparison is usually a bad idea, but it is sometimes useful to compare my own life to those of people I know personally who struggle with so much more. (Comparing to general media stories about catastrophic challenges people face often just makes me more sad about the the world at large, so I actually don't do that.)
I like that illustration of walking upstream against the current. That's a good one. I'm going to keep that one in my head.
My gratefulness muscles were seriously weak and flabby. It took a few "aha" moments and a few gentle comments from loved ones for me to realize that I was complaining a lot and being grateful none.
A lot of "exercise" has happened over the years, but I finally seem to be able to think gratefully more and complain less. It's been a new struggle with my husband's physical and mental difficulties, when I sometimes feel stressed, unappreciated and despairing of seeing any improvement, but prayer and a deliberate recounting of my blessings always draws me up from the downward spiral. I do really have much to be grateful for, after all.
I started journaling in 2020, and was ever so grateful for the practice once COVID arrived. I'm at about a 95% success rate daily of a few sentences of how I'm feeling, and then (at least) three things I'm grateful for. Some days it requires a lot of effort. Other days, I have a long list.
Interestingly, a month or so ago, with 100 days to go until the election (not a political comment ahead, I promise), I decided that I was feeling very negative about all of the harsh discussions happening, and I was committing to putting some kindness back into the world. I was shooting for once a day, for the next 100 days. While I like to think of myself as a kind person, it's not something I've ever put on my to do list as a proactive activity... and, what a difference it has made! I've both enjoyed it so much, and at times felt challenged to think of things. Once the flywheel gets going, I have new ideas all the time & again, it's been so much fun & brought into focus how much easier & more natural it gets once you try & make it a conscious practice. I'm going to keep it on my to do list, post election, because I love how it makes me feel, and it's a great reminder to step out of my daily life, however briefly & cheer up someone else. (And, these are mostly tiny things I'm doing, there's no saving the world happening here, as much as I would love that.)
I love this idea! And I'd love to hear some of the things you've been doing, if you are inclined to share.
Absolutely, and they are small. I guess that's the beauty of making it a daily habit?
A few examples:
-We've had a huge herb garden this year, so I've put out the call for neighbors to come by & pick up herbs & jalapenos multiple times. It's so lovely to see neighbors (from a distance on the porch, of course, because COVID) & know that food isn't being wasted & my garden guilt is reduced
-I've made dinner for a friend who lost a family member
-Helped a coworker with a tricky project
-Tracked down & helped a neighbor with a leaky sprinkler
-Sent a COVID care package surprise to friends
-Donated to a few charities (small amounts that I can spontaneously give, as we have a more structured giving through our budget & paychecks)
-Made cookies 2x with my son, and dropped them off for people who are working so hard right now (teachers, trying to keep school going & a healthcare professional)
-Picked up trash
-Helped an elderly neighbor
-Donated a table to someone who didn't have a good place for online learning
All of these are so small & yet made me feel so good to be putting positive things out there into the world, particularly right now.
This is a great post. I’ve been joining in with thankful Thursday and it really makes a difference.
I've learned that when in doubt or doldrums to stack the odds in gratitude's favor as much as possible, as focusing on something good helps get me to the other side, so to speak. It may be helping someone else, taking a moment to realize how fortunate I am that such-and-such is my only complaint, or deliberately choosing something silly to watch or read that goes against my mood. It really is a question of training one's brain--just like Kristen said. That includes making your own gratitude, much like making your own luck.
My otherwise healthy husband had a stroke in his mid-thirties. That's the bad news. The good news is that he had a stroke in his mid-thirties! He bounced back to 100% in a relatively short time, but those few months were still a ride for both of us. We couldn't see how lucky we were yet, because there was just too much.
A few weeks in, his speech therapist assigned him thirty minutes of reading aloud to me each night; I was supposed to track his mistakes to mark improvement over time. Despite having serious exhaustion brain, I had the sense to pick up a new book by our favorite humor author. I briefly debated the cost--so many co-pays, with bills for the ER and hospital still pending--but decided to heck with it, $8 was worth it to try and make the assignment fun. That night was the first time we laughed since the stroke, and we laughed HARD--tears in the eyes, unable to breathe, you name it. The anger, frustration, and fear finally gave way to a realization of "You know, we'll be okay." And we have been. We're damned lucky and have so much to be grateful for, but we had to get to the other side to see it. It just took choosing a silly book* about redneck vampires and werewolves to get us there.
My favorite Aesop's fable tells of a ship lost in a storm. All the crew swim for shore, save one man who lifts his arms and cries to Athena for help. One of his shipmates shouts to him "Don't leave it to the goddess--SWIM!!!" The moral is that the gods help those who help themselves, and I think that applies to many things in life, including gratitude. You have to do your part to get there, too, even when it seems so very far.
*"Gil's All Fright Night Diner" by A. Lee Martinez for the curious. 🙂 I'm also grateful for the opportunity to send the author a handwritten "thank you" note, which he did receive. Just months after the stroke, I found out Mr. Martinez was scheduled to appear at an out-of-state convention. While I couldn't go, a friend who was attending graciously passed on my note. <3
I write, on and off, in a journal things I am grateful for that day. However, it sometimes feels like another thing to do before bed and I feel like I’m just going through the motions. And, even though I’m grateful for insulin that doesn’t lessen my concern for my 19 year old son who is lax with his blood sugar control. To be grateful, I suppose I should rephrase that to be grateful for insulin because without it he would be a lot worse. That’s just an example of how it is difficult for me to sometimes make gratefulness and reality coexist peacefully.
Suzanne,
I totally struggle with the same thing. Just today I said, wow I'm really glad we got to take a walk today IF ONLY the sun hadn't come out and made it so hot! I always seem to add a qualifier that negates my gratefulness.
A friend and I declare happiness emergencies when one of us is feeling really down. The declaration of a happiness emergency means that each of us writes the other every day with three things that make us happy. I’m always fascinated to see that writing my three happies makes me feel great even when I wasn’t the one feeling so sad and small. Just the focus on what is bringing me pleasure or sparking my gratitude can make me turn my face to the wind and plunge forward, forward.
So easy and so effective! You’d think that I’d keep it up after the emergency had passed. But you’d be wrong.
Love this idea!
Interesting how this interlinks with the prompted prompt.
My thankfulness is often posted directly to God because I'm not good at persisting with any specific gratitude habit. But the day goes better with those little snippets. I was so glad to wake up this morning with an attitude of optimism — when situations around me are hard, sometimes it gets a little lost, and I was so thankful (am so thankful) for its return.
Having a positive mindset and thinking of things that I'm grateful for has become a habit for me over the years. Turning off the news or unplugging on social media from time to time definitely helps.
For me this has been instrumental - between TV and social media there is so much negativity and it's repeated over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I might be "missing out" on something but hey, if it's that important I will find out about it eventually.
Oh yes,I wholeheartedly agree! I’m not a fan of politics, and that’s hard in an election year. Especially as vitriolic as politics has become now. Turning it all off and focusing on other things helps.
So true. Sometimes I wonder if we humans get a sick sort of pleasure out of complaining (just another example of the weird ideas that inhabit my brain). It IS work to be thankful and sometimes I just don't wanna.
Others have alluded to this, but I find that, if I'm unhappy about something, I will give myself a time frame to think about/pray about/talk about what I'm upset about. When the time frame is done, I make a conscious effort to move on to a more positive mindset. Getting outside seems to help, as does laughing with someone. I think it's ok to acknowledge that life is hard and feel your feelings but not be stuck there--which involves some sort of active response on my part.
Kristen, I like how you said that we need to avoid pointing out to others that they are complaining a lot. We don't really know what others are going through and you may have the honor of being chosen by that person to be the one they open up to. Listening without judgment or trying to "fix it" can be such a healing activity.
A long time ago, we had two kids in college at the same time and one income and things were tight! I was feeling overwhelmed with it all and with the sacrifices we were having to make. I took our son to his piano lesson and there was a saying on a little stand the teacher had on his desk..."Every blessing counted brings another one to mind." I was sitting there feeling SO bad, and decided that I'd start writing things I was thankful for while I sat there. I wrote anything I could think of to be thankful for for the entire half hour (beginning with the fact that we could still afford that lesson). And by the time we left, I was feeling much better and not so overwhelmed! It really does help! So on days when I get in a pity-party attitude, I try to find things to be thankful for!
Also my mom had notebooks full of her thankfulness. She wrote one thing each day that she was thankful for before she went to bed...even on the hardest days (like the day my dad died). And every morning when she woke up, as she opened her bedroom curtains, she sang, "This is the day that the Lord hath made. We will rejoice and be glad in it."
I keep a journal and while I don't write in it every night, when I do, I always include a list of at least five things for which I am grateful. It is pretty random. Sometimes as I search for one more thing, I may write something as simple as "I am grateful I have a comfortable home where I am warm and safe." Especially in winter! Many people do not.
I think it is important to focus on the good things in our lives and look for ways to turn the negatives around. When one thing doesn't work, look for a different way to do it. It is a mindset that has served me well.
Great post!
I have kept a gratitude journal, off and on, for a long time.But sometimes I just "let it go" and don't make entries.And my mood is NOT as good as it is when I DAILY write my 5 gratitudes down on a page.The practice seems to PICK UP STEAM, once I get started DAILY, at my chosen hour (with my first cup of coffee..) I feel happier overall, all day long, many many days,even during Covid restrictions. Thanks for this reminder!!! Once a week does not have the same effects for me.The DAILY writing tit down practice is truly powerful!
I have needed dedicated gratitude practice during COVID. so thank you
COVID MAKES LIFE HARDER
The truest truth.
I could choose to focus on the fact that our granddaughter was born with a heart defect (CCTGA) and
Not be thankful for those fact that at age almost nine, she has:
Never had any surgical intervention
Never been on medication
Plays basketball, volleyball and baseball
Is the youngest in her elite gymnastics group
Now, this is a rare and serious defect. Others have it to a worse degree, but Olivia may require some sort of intervention as she grows up. Time will tell. For now, my gratefulness is off the charts.
That's so great for her. Wonderful!
"But hard does not equal impossible."
You have no idea how much reading this one sentence has helped me today.
Thank you.
I am so glad!
One thing I try to do on a daily basis, is give someone a compliment. Additionally, I try to compliment someone who maybe does not receive compliments very often. For example, heavy-set women rarely receive compliments on their appearance. I will tell someone what a beautiful top, or lovely color on them or something along those lines. I am always sincere in my compliment, and it is very much appreciated. You know how people always say they have a "word" for the year? For the last three years I have had the phrase "It doesn't cost anything to be nice." This may not fit in with this topic precisely, but I find that if I appreciate other things around me, it helps with my own attitude.
Once I am in a complaining mode, it is very hard to drag myself out of it. I can make even good things seem bad: "Why did he send me flowers? Now I have to water them every day and when they start dying it will mean a big mess of petals on the counter..." I have tried to refocus but for me what seems to work best is to shut up, read a good book or take a nap.
I get stuck there sometimes too. And then I feel like a terrible person for being stuck. It's like being in the bottom of a pit with no way up.
And yes, going to sleep sometimes does help lift me out of the pit.
Great post. Gratitude is difficult here.
I have a positive thought coloring book I need to dig out.
I find listening to music even if its just a song or two makes the start of my day more positive. Did you know more people are listening to classical music now that covid has changed our lives?
For me gratitude is harder when I'm feeling blue, anxious, or irritated, but that is also when I need to practice it the most to help turn my mood around. My meditation teacher has helped me see the impermanence of moods and feelings. Over time I have developed a practice of just holding them gently until they run their course and then afterwards think of 3 things I am grateful for. Over time it has made it easier and it has also helped me become more aware of the little things that I would have missed had I spent my time being cranky instead of grateful.
I HATE gratefulness exercises, and LOVE appreciation exercises.
Yes, there is a difference.
I am so curious to hear your thoughts on what the differences are.
Me too!
This....Thank you!!!
As a Christian, I believe that being grateful is essential to acknowledge every day. I may be a widow, I may have most of my family living far away, I may not be able to do as much gardening as I did, and so forth but still God is so good. I have enough to live on, most of my needs are met, and I am independent and have few health needs. I can call my friends, send out cards of encouragement, consolation, congratulations, etc. and spend time in prayer. Putting as smile on my face when I'm out and about, being kind and thoughtful--that's how I want to be seen.
Some days, focusing on things I can control and things that I'm grateful for does help with my problems, but there are times when it doesn't help. Sometimes we do need to air grievances in order for them to be addressed and fixed, or just let out some air from the pressure that has built up. I think the ingratitude "rut" can be a sign of something that is not being addressed which needs to be, and it shows up in complaining about things that might even be unrelated to what we really need.
So, on my run the other day, I formulated in my mind exactly why I've been anxious and frustrated, and I let myself "wallow" in it during the whole run. After my run, I didn't really need to think about it any longer or speak to anyone about it. I had allowed myself to feel the anxiety and sadness over the situation, so I know it's there and when I'm able to, I can address those things. Meanwhile, I do express gratitude for the things that are going well in my life, but it is not at the expense of trying to fix things that are not. (Just my thought about this, not that I'm saying you are doing this, Kristen!)
Oh, I definitely agree that it's wise to fix things that can be fixed. There is no need to prolong suffering unnecessarily. 🙂
The gratefulness exercises are really most helpful when the hard things are out of our hands.
But yes, if things can be fixed, then fix away!
I started a journal that I call my "10,000 Gratitudes" about five years ago. I strive to write something I am grateful for each day, but sometimes I write several one day, and none for a few days. I also express gratitude daily in my prayers/reflections. I am totally convinced that these practices enrich my life, help me cope during tough times, and help me to focus on all that is good.