10 Tips for Introverted Moms
This post was last updated in April 2019.
When I wrote about the downsides of homeschooling, I mentioned that having the kids home all the time can be a little bit exhausting if you're an introvert.
(A simple definition is that an introvert gains energy by being alone. In contrast, an extrovert tends to gain energy by being around other people. I'm very friendly and outgoing, but I consider myself an introvert because I recharge by being alone.)
Anyway, since I wrote that post, several of you wrote in asking how I make this mothering/homeschooling thing work.
Before I share what's worked for me, I want to acknowledge:
- that both mothering and homeschooling presents their own set of challenges for extroverts, since kids and homeschooling can definitely put a damper on one's social life. However, that's not the particular set of challenges that I face, so I can't offer any advice there. Find an extrovert mom and pick her brain!
- that I'm writing about my experience as a stay-at-home mom and homeschooling mom, but I know there are dads out there who stay home and homeschool. I think what I'm sharing will still be mostly applicable to situations like that.
I'm just going to throw my ideas out there, and you can pick and choose what will fit your family/life stage/personality.
First, here are some things I did when my kids were younger.
I didn't co-sleep.
Except for the odd night in those first groggy weeks, my babies slept in a bassinet or crib. And by the time they were nine months old, all of them were sleeping in a crib in their own rooms.
Also, they have not been allowed to get up in the middle of the night and crawl into our bed. I love my children dearly, but an overnight break from them is very good for me.
(Just in case you're thinking I'm cold-hearted, know that I did get up many, many, many times in the middle of the night to nurse my babies when they were small. I wasn't deserting them overnight; it's just that I didn't share my bed with them.)
I trained them to stay in their beds until I got them in the mornings.
When they were babies, of course, this did not apply.
And once they were of potty-training age, they were allowed to get up and use the bathroom (duh!).
But otherwise, the rule was that they had to stay in their beds until I came in and said it was time to get up (usually around 7:00 or 7:30).
They didn't have to sleep, but there was no waking up at o-dark-thirty and deciding it was time for everyone to be up for the day.
This rule allowed me to have a little bit of peace and quiet in the morning to shower, get dressed, read my Bible, and pray, and that made for a better start to our days.
Even now that they're all older, there's an agreed-upon time when they can emerge and start their days (though they are free to read or do schoolwork if they wake up early).
I put them down for naps consistently.
This made for happier babies/toddlers and a happier me. Once we got past the nebulous first weeks/months with a new baby, we always settled into a regular napping routine, and I stuck with it. I seriously planned my life around naps, and so for about nine straight years of my life, I almost never went out in the afternoons. Even if only 2/4 kids were napping, the relative quiet was good for my soul.
I used the TV sparingly.
When my kids were little, I usually let them watch a half hour of TV per day (which was usually one Kipper or Richard Scarry DVD).
Because the TV wasn't on all the time, they considered this to be a big deal, and they sat quietly through the whole show.
If you have the TV on all the time, though, it's not nearly as effective at producing quiet children.
We had consistent bedtimes.
None of my children have been at all good at sleeping in, so it always made sense to faithfully put them in bed on the early side of things. This provided me with some downtime in the evening to clean things up and spend time with Mr. FG.
And here are some ideas that will work with older kids.
Send them to bed to read before it's time for them to go to sleep.
For example, if a kid is supposed to be asleep at 8:30, they head to bed at 7:30 to read for an hour. This gives them some time to wind down before they go to sleep, and it gives me some extra quiet time.
Have a quiet hour after lunch.
You can have your kids read or watch an educational DVD, and use that hour to do something that recharges you.
Limit your outside activities each week.
An extroverted mom might be able to do six outside activities each week, but that would be very hard for an introvert.
Know your limits and work within them.
If your spouse is extroverted, send the kids out with him.
Mr. FG is more of a get-out-of-the-house kind of guy, so I dump that part of the parental responsibilities on him sometimes as often as possible.
Leave the kids with their other parent (or some sort of babysitter) and go somewhere by yourself.
The biggest treat for me (and many introverts!) is to be left home by myself, but it also helps to occasionally go out somewhere quiet with a cup of tea to get some planning done.
Allow some screen time.
If my kids have finished their chores and schoolwork, they each get a half hour of screen time. And screen time=quiet time!
So. Those are my best ideas for navigating motherhood as an introvert.
Very good suggestions. I, too, really need time alone to recharge my batteries. While I don't homeschool, I do work part-time outside the home, and the best thing I've done is plan for time each week that's just for me and is completely unaccounted for. Sort of like "pay yourself first," but with time.
This is very timely for me. I don't have young children at home, but I do have a college grad back under my roof while she saves up to pay student loans and get her own place. And it's not easy! Her work hours are irregular and the coming and going makes life rather chaotic. Besides needing alone time to recharge, I also work at home! I keep telling myself...this too shall pass and in the scheme of things, everything is OK. we have shelter, food, income and family love.
Thanks for your post today.
These aren't just good tips for introverts. I am a major extrovert, and this is very much how we schedule our days too. We have had 4 babies in 8 years, and even my chatty, external processing self needs time alone to think, plan, clean, and just sit down. The flip side of this, though, is that I need to be equally intentional about spending time with others, to recharge my extrovert batteries. With many little ones, it can be easy to string together too many days of us, inside, alone. And this is when my spirits tend to drop.
So we do our early bedtimes, our quiet times after lunch (even for the big ones), our "you can get out of bed when your clock says 7"s, and our cartoon when school is finished. But I also lead a Bible study once a week, I am proactive about scheduling time with friends at the park, and we host our small group from church. It's taken me a long time, but I think we've found good balance.
I agree! I am definitely an extrovert, but our routine is really similar to yours. I just add in a little more people time like play dates, library story time, or nights out with friends. If I can do stuff like that once I week, I feel pretty good.
How interesting - I'd never really associated my introverted nature with my dislike of co-sleeping, but it really does make sense. We cuddle a lot at our house, but give me my space when it's time to go to sleep! 🙂
Same! Even with hubby. I don't cuddle in bed. Each our blanket also, no sharing. I am a loving wife, but when it's time to sleep I need my space. Best purchase for us: a King size bed!
This sounds so much like me! I never really acknowledged that I am so much of an introvert and that's why I mother the way that I do. My husband is an introvert as well. We agree that we do not share our bed with our kids, we have a set bedtime routine. And in the morning my 5 year old daughter knows that she cannot come out of her room until there is a 7 on her clock, we started that when she was a bit over 2 1/2 and sleeping in a big girl bed. When our son gets into a big boy bed we will have the same rule for him as well. Also we do naps right after lunch every day. I dread any outing that happens at nap time, we do survive but its not very pleasant. I even take time for a nap while they sleep. When you finally have date night or weekend away kid-free do you overly miss them or gush about how you shouldn't go out without them? We are totally different couple when we do date night, we connect like we did before kids. When out with friends they hem and haw about missing their kids, we are so at ease and relaxed when we are without them.
Thank you for your support, knowing that we are not the only ones so set with bedtime and nap routines makes me feel like I'm doing something right.
I'm with Kate--I never associated introversion with sleep rules, but that really hit home with me. When people comment on the early and consistent (some probably say "rigid" behind my back) bedtime I insist on for my children, I usually say something to the effect of I need to know my day has an end. When it starts at 5:30 a.m. (or earlier . . . new babies, you know) with no definite breaks for lunch or anything else, it's that much more important that those kids be asleep and out of my face by 7:30 p.m. Because by then I'm done.
Finding those ways to recharge alone (for me and other introverts, I can't speak to extroverts) are essential to being an effective and not-grouchy parent. Which is pretty much all I'm going for. 🙂
Thank you for this post.
Never did co-sleeping in our home. My hubby worked second shift when the daughter was little, so he was responsible for getting her up while I worked and I was responsible for getting her to bed while he worked. We had 1 rule and that was once you are in bed you can only get out of bed for these few instances -- you are sick and need to use the bathroom, you have to go to the bathroom, or something terrified you. My daughter would go to bed with a few stuffed animals and books and read and sing to her animals. I enjoyed hearing her read and sing until she fell asleep, never getting out of bed. Made for nice downtime for me too.
I find that being an introvert and having a bunch of kids tough at times too. One thing I find that REALLY recharges my batteries is just going out/ spending time alone with ONE child. That quiet time together to focus compeletely on each other really fills up my need for connection with my child while still offering the quiet focus that I need as an introvert. Those are my most peaceful moments, and I know the children love that one-on-one attention more than anything else!
I'm just a middle aged introverted man. I have no children, but I enjoy reading your blog. I especially liked this one and the fact that you have established guide lines that are good for the entire family.
I too am friendly, but I recharge by simply being alone. Sometimes its not easy being identified as introverted, but there are plenty of us out there. It sounds like you have a wonderful family and home life.
I love your suggestions. I work full time, but have an hour or so between the time I leave work and the time I pick up my toddler son at day care - some days I run errands, some days I do something just for me (like thrift shopping, or just browsing in a favorite, non-kid-friendly store, etc). I find this "alone time" give me (a hard core introvert) time to recharge and relax before resuming mama duties. We also stick by a consistent bedtime - hubby and I definitely need some down time at the end of the day. My son has always slept in his own bed (crib when he was an infant).
this is beautiful. my husband and i do not have children yet, but i am loving gathering great information from all you bloggy ladies. we plan for me to stay home and homeschool, and i have been wondering how that would work for me on an everyday basis. thank you for this!
I'm an introvert as well, and sleeping has always been a priority on my list. Both my son and I are better off when we get good quality peaceful sleep. Co-sleeping would not be a good thing in our household. He's been sleeping in his own room since he was 3 weeks old (even though I breastfed on demand and got up several times a night when he was an infant). By 3 months, he slept through the night most nights and at almost 4yo he's still a great sleeper. Technically, I never intentionally taught him to wait in his bed for us in the morning, but I guess since I never encouraged him to come into our bed, it's just his set default. He sits and plays in bed until we get up (I can hear him over the monitor). It's wonderful! I've also been planning our days around nap time ever since he was born. It's no fun dragging around a tired child and I've found our schedule of morning outings, home for lunch, then nap to be an awesome way to have a happy, cooperative child plus be a happy, more patient mom. On days we sleep in and napping doesn't seem necessary, we still include "quiet time" where he can watch a movie or play in his room for awhile. Those quiet afternoons are an amazing recharge for both of us.
Thanks so much for sharing these tips - I was one of the people who was very curious about how you manage it all. I can kind of understand the co-sleeping thing because when I had a friend visit recently, my place is so small that she had to sleep in my bed with me. While I love her dearly (and we've been good friends for ten years), by the end of three days of doing absolutely everything together, I was going absolutely crazy.
I'm filing this post away for the (perhaps distant) future when I have kids of my own 🙂
I learned from this post. I hadn't heard this explanation for what makes a person an introvert or an extrovert. It seems in any context I've ever heard the words they have been related to quiet and shy versus outgoing and talkative. I just discovered that I am an introvert! I am not quiet and shy, but I definitely need alone time on a regular basis to perform up to par. I get it now...
Same here. Nobody would describe me as shy or quiet. I act fast, I talk loudly and I can't sit still. But I am still an introvert to the core!
Wow, what an interesting post! I definitely need some time alone sometimes too, or I feel like I'm going bananas. We have 8 children and like you, we never co slept. We didn't even have our baby sleep in our room, though of course he/she was in a room close enough that I always woke up to nurse as needed. I think aside from the introvert/extrovert thing, different people feel more or less need for structure. I CRAVE structure. I NEED structure. Our kids pretty much get up at the same time every day, we do the same things most days, we have an early afternoon game time (video games) so I can recharge, naps happen for the 2 little ones at the same time, you get the picture. I have friends at the opposite end of the spectrum who cosleep, let the kids take naps whenever (I will not allow our toddler to take a late nap as then she won't go to sleep when I want her to), and so on. Neither way is "right"...it totally depends on the family and what works best.
Hi Kristen!
I was thinking of this very topic just the other day. It was actually a concern of mine before I began homeschooling.
After just three years of tutoring my children, I have found similar things to work for us.
1. Having an end time for school. I can't go past about 3:00 or 4:00. I'm spent.
2. Having "quiet time" every day where they all spend the time in separate rooms doing their own quiet reading or playing, or catchup work, if they failed to do something.
3. No co-sleeping, except on their birthday or if really sick.
4. Having at least 1 day where we have no outside activities scheduled. That has really made our year better this year.
5. Teaching my kids the "Quiet Game" - especially for the car. And, they actually love it. 🙂
6. Last but not least - joining a gym with awesome childcare and taking full advantage of it with a set schedule of when I workout. I have taken up racquetball with a friend and it has done wonders for me (and them)! I have even taken up jogging, which is extreme for me. LOVE the peace and quiet!!!
Peace & love! Thank you for the reflective post!!
Oh, and we have found a local nature park that we take weekly walks in the woods and do free science class at, and we have started nature journals. Another awesome thing I love and they love as well!! 🙂 I look FORWARD to our time in the woods, away from the chaos!!
You definitely have to find what works for you, and can't allow yourself guilt if the current prescribed mode of parenting doesn't work.
We always had a 1 & 1/2 hour rest time in the afternoons. This gave me time to myself, but also, when we were homeschooling, it gave my children time away from their school work, and they could read for pleasure, do crossword puzzles, draw, or whatever quiet activity they enjoyed, in their rooms. There were phases that it didn't work perfectly, and they defied my authority, but for the most part, the rest time worked well for all of us.
My son, the oldest, was an early riser, and I was not. When he was about 2 to 3, I trained him to quietly get up and get a plate out if the fridge that I left for him the night before. On the plate was a sippy cup of juice, a container of yogurt and a homemade breakfast bar. He quietly ate this first breakfast on his own, and later, around 7 am, when I got up, we had a second breakfast together. This allowed me to get the sleep that I needed and be a happier mom for the day.
We did allow kids to come into our bed at night. But I totally see how this is an individual choice, and not everyone's thing. One of my children was particularly "needy", and coming into our room during this phase, was definitely easier on me, as I was the parent who always got up to check on crying babies and children. But again, this is not the best choice in every situation.
This post is about more than just mothering and considering yourself an introvert. Its also about relationships in general, and being an introvert or extrovert. It's really important that an individual find ways to recharge that suit you, and not obsess over why you are not like your friend, partner, child, and/or feel guilt for needing quiet time. We all need to honor these differences between ourselves and others.
I'm so glad to hear other moms "admitting" that they didn't co-sleep! Don't apologize, ladies! You know what's right for you and your families. I'm sure that co-sleeping works for some families, but I have a big problem with anyone who feels like their way is superior in some way. Sorry, co-sleeping moms - you are NOT "better" moms because you shared your bed. And no, NOT co-sleeping does not mean you don't love your children - it means that you need your own space and want your kids to be independent and confident when they are on their own.
We don't homeschool, but we have a very early wake-up call (their school is 30 min away), so we insist on very consistent (and some would say early) bedtimes. It has always made life much more smooth and comfortable for everyone.
We don't co-sleep because we feel like we're better than people who don't. In fact, we never planned on co-sleeping. After the birth of our first child, it just sort of happened. It became especially helpful after the birth of my third child when I had an emergency hysterectomy immediately after her birth and then gallbladder surgery three weeks later. I found it very nice just to have baby in bed with me. But, this is just what works for our family. I think every family needs to find the right rhythm for themselves.
I just wanted to say that not every co-sleeping family thinks it makes them better than anyone else.
Also just to add that children who co-sleep are not by nature less independent or less confident.
We don't allow co-sleeping, except for special reasons (ex: scared or sick), and mostly because everyone needs their sleep and it's easier than having to get up every half-hour. When they come to our bed they usually use a mattress on the floor beside the bed. Am I raising more independent and confident kids by not allowing co-sleeping? Nope. It's just what works for us.
I have been routinely referred to as an introvert my whole life but the more I read about experiences of introverted people, the more I realize I am not one of them.
Great thoughts and suggestions.
I honestly never realized I was an introvert until my husband pointed it out to me. I'm pretty friendly and outgoing, and I do enjoy socializing, so I just assumed I was extroverted. But, all of the activities that really refresh me are pretty quiet, solitary activities, and while I can happily got a week without socializing, if I go a week without some quiet time, I'll be miserable. So I'm a friendly introvert.
One thing that helps me, but that is hard for me to do sometimes, is to use the alone time I have wisely. My husband is awesome about recognizing my need for quiet, and if he knows I had a difficult day with the kids, he will take care of everything after dinner (dishes, straightening up the house, getting the kids to bed) so I can have a good chunk of time to just enjoy some peace and quiet. And it's really tempting for me to jump on the internet as soon as I get in the bedroom, and then just waste time surfing the web for a few hours, until it's time for bed, and then wake up still feeling like I need more time to myself.
So what helps me is identifying the things that actually do leave me feeling refreshed--listening to an audiobook while I go for a walk, reading, writing, watching a TV show or movie that I genuinely enjoy, knitting--and doing those, rather than just filling my alone time with things like web surfing or watching whatever is on TV that are diverting but don't actually leave me feeling any more relaxed or content.
And, I hate this one, but getting up before the kids helps. Getting up enough before the kids that I have time to do some things for myself in the morning *really* helps. If the first thing I have to deal with in the morning is three kids who all have needs that must be fulfilled ASAP, it's not good. But I really don't like getting up early, so that's always a hard one. I'd rather just sleep in and let my husband deal with them first thing.
You've pinpointed a really distinct problem of mine-- using your alone time to actually recharge!
I really enjoy reading your blog, and mostly just stay quiet. Today I thought I'd tell you how much I appreciated this post. My husband and I don't have kids (yet) but we have talked a lot about homeschool vs. public school lately. My biggest concern is how to have a calm house, and a calm "self". I'm an extrovert but still need my alone time to think and plan. I've also really enjoyed these years without kids =) These suggestions are great. It also sounds like your house is a nice place to be! Not chaotic like a lot of families I see these days. Sometimes it seems like the home schooling families are more busy than the public school families, because they want to do *everything*. Reading your blog reminds me that I don't have to do everything, and I can still have a very fulfilled existence. It also helps me to know that you homeschool, and you are a very productive and sane person. So, thanks!
I have two little ones (4 years and 8 months) One thing I do to stay sane is we have quiet time for the 4 year old (as he doesn't take naps) while the baby is sleeping. Quiet time is basically where he plays in his room for about 30 minutes and it gives me time alone. It is a great way to recharge and have that alone time (which even extroverts need - I would consider myself a mild extrovert and I love the alone time!)
Hi Kristen, thanks for another great post. Congratulations on figuring out what worked for you, your family and your kids and having the strength to stick with it. I'm a big proponent of co-sleeping and we did it with all three kids but I think it's important for families to do what works for them. You are obviously a caring dedicated mother and are raising wonderful wholesome children and the world needs more parents like you.
I am seven weeks into motherhood and not planning to homeschool, but as a friendly and outgoing introvert, I found this really helpful points looking down the road and thinking about self-care as my baby grows up 🙂
Interesting, K, I had never thought of being introverted in relation to sleeping. I know I need major alone time to recharge and decompress when I'm awake but a correlation to sleep preferences had never crossed my mind. Maybe that's why I never liked co-sleeping.
I was also interested to read how you find alone time. I am such a complete and total introvert that I need a LOT of alone time. I don't homeschool but since I'm now in school full-time, myself, a lot of the alone time I used to have is now gone because when the kids are gone to school, so am I, and when I'm home while they're gone there are usually errands to be run, places to go, etc. Even with R. taking the kids to his dad's house for most of the day on Saturday or Sunday, I still feel like I don't get enough. So it's hard for me to imagine how I'd cope if the kids and I were all home all day long, all year round. Reading this has given me some insight as to how it can be accomplished. If I weren't going to be gone all summer I'd put some of these into practice at my house then! 😉
(I feel like I should add that it's not that I don't like being around my kids. I do. I look forward to school breaks and am always sorry when they are over. I'm never the mom counting down the days until school starts again. Also, the reason my kids are in public school isn't because I don't want to deal with them. We have that luxury because we live in a good district. If we lived in a bad school district, they would be at home, forget about "alone time!")
I totally understand. Wanting some alone time doesn't mean you hate your kids! I love my kids and my husband a whole darn lot, but I still find myself refreshed by having some time by myself.
Ditto...on every single one of your ideas!!! Only one thing to add: I have a wonderful mother in law who took my 3 girls for a few hours in the afternoon once a week so I could do groceries and have some personal time. She fed them their once-a-week treats of chocolate milk, kraft dinner and happy face potatoes and she had cable so they could get their Disney fix. I found out now, years later, that she would put them down for naps with some books(!) but it was worth the few hours of free time. It also afforded many happy memories with their Grandma who is now 80.
My grandparents took my sister and me out to dinner every Thursday night when we were little. It took until I had kids of my own - and lived 3 hours from my own parents - to see that this was as much a gift to my parents as it was for us kids! 🙂
When our kids were small we had the rule that you go to sleep in your own bed (with a stack of books and any "loveys" needed). I kept a kid-size sleeping bag folded up on my side of the bed and if anyone woke up feeling scared or insecure (there were definitely phases of this) they could bring their pillow and crawl in the sleeping bag on the carpeted floor. Of course there were times they ended up in bed with us depending on circumstances, but it worked quite well. I didn't have to get up to comfort a scared child and yet that child was greatly comforted.
I remember my parents doing this for me, and I think it's an awesome idea! As a little kid sometimes you're just scared to be alone in a room by yourself, I guess. And I don't have kids yet but I think having a kid in bed with my husband and I would drive me nuts, and get in the way of our snuggling, AND easily become a slippery-slope-type thing where they felt like they could do it every night!
How does the half an hour screen time work - is it 30 mins x 4 so it's really two hours but each half an hour another child chooses. How does it work if the programme is longer than 30 mins?
I'm just intrigued by the practicality of this.
J x
Thank you for this post. I wondered how in the world you do it. I only have one toddler, but the constant care has been the hardest thing about parenting for introverted me. Here are my two survival secrets:
1. Teaching my little man to play on his own. He doesn't have any siblings yet to play with, but I encourage (and sometimes demand) he play on his own. He is not always happy about it, but he will eventually settle into his trains and cars and I can read quietly next to him.
2. It helps that my son is an introvert too. Sometimes he will run up to his room, and I will find him looking at his books quietly. It is the greatest thing ever.
Also, (I have so many thoughts on this topic!) Kale really hit the nail on the head for me! I find having children is a lot like having house guests. You settle into a routine and that helps, but you all need a break from each other sometimes.
Thanks for this post! I'm an introvert myself and I'm pondering having a baby. I don't plan on homeschooling but it's still relevant to me (anyway I work at home) 🙂
I'm an ENFJ (in good company with Obama and Oprah apparently!;-)) so am an extrovert. However, interestingly the need for time out and head space even as an extrovert (in my experience) is very similar. I adore my children, but still need a break. I find it's easy to 'disappear' when you become a Mom - and time is needed to be 'me' again if only for an hour or so.
As for tips - my biggest mistake as a first-time Mom was underestimating how much babies and children thrive on routine. As boring as it sounds, it was only when my second-child came along and I needed to be more structured that I realised what an opportunity I'd missed! We learn from our mistakes fortunately!
Thank you for this post. I don't have any children yet but I do a lot of babysitting and, as an introvert, find myself exhausted after 3 hours of being "on" with the kids. I just finished the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain, which is a book about introversion, and I HIGHLY recommend it!
I read that one in the last year and I really enjoyed it.
I don't have kids, but I just wanted to say that I think you're doing wonderful things for your children. As a kid I never had a bedtime, or pretty much any structure at all, and even now in my 40's structure is something I really, REALLY struggle with. Building in so much downtime is not only good for you, it's good for them. Kudos to you for recognizing that!
And I'm seriously thinking about the no bed sharing thing where my cats are concerned. I love them dearly, but 4 cats on the bed can make it quite difficult to sleep - especially when they get feisty. And a sleepy kitty mom very quickly becomes a grumpy kitty mom! I'll probably wait until after my eldest kitty is no more, but I think we'll be making some changes at that point.
I found your blog when I was looking for a recipe for homemade yogurt (it's yummy, by the way), and since then I've checked back a few times because I enjoyed reading some of your other posts, too. I want to say thank-you, thank-you, THANK-YOU! for what you've written today and for expressing so well my own thoughts and ideas on balancing full-time mothering with a little "alone" time. My husband and I have been blessed with three little girls in four short years. At the very beginning we tried having our first daughter in the bed with us, but because I am such a light sleeper, it just did not work. There were times when I felt guilty for not keeping this wee little one in our room, especially when almost every mother I know (mother-in-law, friends, acquaintances, sister-in-law, not to mention most of the "expert" parenting books) recommended or practiced co-sleeping. I never felt guilty enough actually to put this into practice, but over the years I've felt a tad guilty for not inviting the girls into the bed with us and wondered if perhaps I was being the best mother by teaching them to sleep in their own beds at night.
I think, though, that you have laid to rest any more doubts in my mind with this post! I LOVE an orderly home, schedules, peaceful, well-behaved children, in short: STRUCTURE; I don't think these goals are very easily achieved when the mother is sleep-deprived, frazzled, worn-out and dealing with an aching head from a sleepless night. She really is NOT doing her children a favor by letting them into the bed to disrupt her well-earned rest (unless, of course, they aren't feeling well, something for which we've always made allowance). Thank- you for this common-sense post and for helping me put into words what I've known to be true, at least for our family, for a long time.
I´m an introvert myself, so I really liked reading this post. I can only imagine how exhausting it must be sometimes to have kids at home all the time.
Thank you so much for this post! I always thought there was something wrong with me because I guess my husband and I come across as "sleep-Nazis" to a lot of other people. I never connected being an introvert to needing the kids to give me space at times during the day, but now I better understand why I've had the need to be so consistent with naps/quiet times and bedtimes. And I think it's been good for my kids (ages 8, 6, and almost 3) to learn to find their own things to do during downtimes at home, and most of all, to get all the sleep that their busy, growing bodies and minds need. And it truly is how I've managed to stay sane all these years!
I don't think I really made the connection either when my kids were little...I just knew what I needed to do to maintain any level of sanity. And now that I've figured out that I'm an introvert, it all makes a lot of sense!
My children have a very low sleep need. It runs in the family and is correlated with some of their other quirks. Thankfully one of those other quirks is reading. Once DC1 learned how to read we got a lot more alone time. So when many kids would be doing their nap, DC1 would read. We're hoping DC2 also turns out to be a reader.
So funny to read this - I always thought of myself as an extrovert, as I'm outgoing and friendly, but I do almost the exact same things, especially the "don't get out of bed until X o'clock" and enforced nap/quiet time. I need that time away from direct interaction with the kids in order to be a mentally healthy mama!
I absolutely admire your structure and the reasoning behind how you deal with parenting.I am older now, but did things kinda how you do.It is so important to have down time for yourself, husband/marriage time, and night time for grown ups, plus parents who get to sleep together,ALONE, in their own beds,undisturbed!
You've taught your kids patience, and the ability to postpone gratification, but you do with so much LOVE!. That's what we parents are FOR! You have also taught them that marriage is important, and that YOu are important.GOOD FOR YOU!
If we let them run the show, set no limits, and show them WE don't count, they will grow up with that set of beliefs and it will not serve them well..
Bravo to your ability to stick with a plan and raise decent kids !!
We did not do TV either-- a BIG factor I believe..and we also had reading time before sleep time..
You're awesome and I love reading about your family!! And home schooling which I WISH i did, but didn't!!!!!
Reading back through the other comments.... we never really did co-sleeping, either. We're both such light sleepers that even having the bassinet in the room woke us up - C moved into the living room of our 1-BR apartment when he was 2 weeks old!
Now, the kids share a room. K still gets up in the middle of the night for a bottle (she's 20 months), but we make her go straight back to her toddler bed afterwards. She would co-sleep in a heartbeat, but we've tried having her in bed with us a few times, and neither B nor I got ANY sleep! We're working with C, who's now 4, to stay in his room until the light in kitchen is turned on, as we both need that time in the morning to wake up and get ready before child interaction begins.
I recommend the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that just can't Stop Talking. Very interesting and well-written survey of research on the causes of introversion and the strengths of introverts!
When our only child was 10 we moved into a 3-bedroom house. On the advice of a therapist I was seeing at the time that third bedroom was furnished with a sofa and a desk and became my retreat. If I was in there but the door was open you were welcome. But if the door was closed no one was to knock except in case of emergency. It saved my sanity. And taught our daughter she could go to Dad when she needed something--not always be demanding my attention. She needed more attention than I could sometimes give her.
I agree on so many things! We have always had naptime, and it is good for me and the kids. We also have a consistent bedtime and they sleep in their own beds from the day they come home from the hospital! They don't even like to be in my bed, much less sleep there! It gives me and my husband a place that is only ours, which is hard in a house with soon-to-be three kids. I found my 5 year old in his room the other night attempting to read by the nightlight light after bedtime, so we have also been discussing a reading time before bed. I did the same thing as a child, so it brought a smile to my face ever though in the back of my head I was worried about him going blind!
Kristen, this is very interesting. Although I do consider myself an extrovert, I also *do* re-charge by having alone time, or as I call it "down time". If I don't have a significant amount of downtime daily, I just don't feel right. For me, that looks like just very quiet time, resting my mind.
When my kids were little, we also put them in bed around 7p every time, so that we had that alone, quiet, and downtime. I also looked forward to their naps with great anticipation as a time to recharge.
So.... maybe I am an introvert after all?
You might be a friendly introvert, like me! I'm super friendly and have no trouble making conversation with people, so I did think I was an extrovert for a long time. But I am definitely exhausted if I'm out of the house nonstop or if I'm around people nonstop.
As a fellow introvert, I really love this post! I just recently found your blog and signed up for your blog updates, which I NEVER do because I don't have much time to read with my new baby. But I really appreciate how open you are about your faith and how it is so obvious that your husband and children come first before your blog. It really encourages me. Keep up the great posts!
I absolutely LOVE THIS. I never thought of myself as an intro OR extrovert, but I am definitely an introvert! I do like spending time with friends, but I most enjoy nights that my husband has to work and I get to spend an hour before bed, ALL BY MYSELF! I relax, have a glass of wine, and watch my DVR'd shows (a little different than your tea and bible, but that's what makes the world turn! Different people lol).
Great tips. I love this so much.
I am a mommy to a wonderfully behaved 6 month old. Said baby has never gone to sleep before 9:30pm no matter what I have tried. Fortunately, I am a morning person and love that she takes her nap in the morning so I can do chores or other things I can't do when she is awake.
I consider myself an extrovert and while some routines have definitely been established, I try not to run my life around them. I am a pretty spontaneous person and it would be changing my nature too much if I tried to schedule everything around a set nap time.
But I am also the person that can spend the whole day with someone (especially people I enjoy) and still invite them to my place for a cup of coffee. I, like everyone, definitely need alone time, but I get much more of a charge when I am around others.
Great tips Kristin! While I am technically an extrovert, I am also the proud owner of a highly-sensitive temperament, which means I need alone time/quiet time to settle my nervous system. When my kids were home all the time when they were little, I used to love time by myself for thinking/journaling, something I couldn't do when they were around, and it was almost always achieved by sending them out with Daddy 🙂 We had the complication of having my son sick for an extended period of time when he was 3, which involved a whole lot of sleep deprivation, co-sleeping, night nursing etc until his health issue (Coeliac disease) was sorted out. That completely wiped me out and I have never craved alone time so much ever in my whole life! There was a LOT of TV at this point in my children's lives 🙂 Though, being an extrovert, I am now finding being home by myself all day while the kids are at school a real challenge 🙂 It is so easy not to put the need for alone time as a priority, but, even if you're not an introvert, I think it should be part of every mother's self care 🙂 Thanks for sharing your tips 🙂
Wow, this sound so much like me it's not even funny :). I was a stay-at-home mom for about 9 years before going to work full-time and am leaving my job to go back home and begin homeschooling my almost 10- and 11-year-old girls, so I am very interested in any tips that can help me with this as it is new to me. But the part about being left home alone being a treat, and needing time alone to recharge really struck a note with me. I am an only child and really do thrive on down- and alone-time. This is great :). Thanks for posting!
Oh my, this post really resonated with me! I never realized that I am an introvert by nature (as I am a friendly one, like you.) I am married to an extrovert, and always feel guilty about asking to be left alone when my spouse, due to health problems, is home alone all day while I'm at work. (My children are grown.) But I really need that time! I crave it so much, and really suffer without it. So I just read this post out loud to my spouse, in hopes that my need to be alone will make more sense. Thank you!
Hello, I just came across this post while looking up work/life balance for introverts. I work outside the home and my little one is four years old. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind most of the time! For a long time I couldn't decide why I was struggling so hard being 'on' ALL the time when other mothers were breezing through it AND sports AND other social activities! I've finally recognized that my extreme introversion may have something to do with it.
Either way I appreciate these suggestions. I plan on using a couple of them in the near future! Thank you.
I'm so glad it was helpful!
Interesting post. I agree with most everything on your list except the cosleeping, which I've done with both my babies until about 3 years of age, and thoroughly enjoy it. I am wondering how introverts deal with the social aspect of homeschooling? I feel like my 6 year old needs to be around more kids more often (she takes karate 4x a week for half an hour and there's an outdoor HS club once a month, that's about it consistently). Adding more to our schedule is honestly exhausting just to think about!
With two sons aged 17 and 15 I’m past lots of the points in your post but I just wanted to say how I agree with, and did, all of them - except homeschooling!! I’m an introvert who loves company but only as much as I can handle. I love to drive the 90 mile round trip to take my eldest to Football practice (we are in the UK but he plays proper football not soccer âš½ï¸ ) not only for the long momma/son chats we have on the journey but the alone time I get whilst he’s at practice. Other moms chat and have coffee, I drive a short distance, crack open a good book and pour a cuppa from my trusty thermos - 2 hours of heaven!!
On the advice of a therapist, I set aside a space in our house to be my quiet place. When I would go there, no one was supposed to knock on that door unless there was a fire or someone was bleeding.
Kristin, I think your tips are just good parenting - introvert or extrovert. Good for you.
We chose not to do some of the stuff on this list (we are both strong introverts) and that worked out ok too. For any readers who are worried about cosleeping or not having a regular nap schedule etc., you can still get your introvert downtime. It will still be ok. I'm sure there's other stuff that will work or won't work depending on your own family dynamics and your own family's needs and preferences. Don't feel like you need to do or not do something because it's a tip on the internet or in a parenting book. Every family is unique and it's good to figure out what works or doesn't work for your own family.
(One of our most frequently found posts via google is the one about gifted kids stopping naps early-- I think there's a segment of the population that needs to be told that these things are ok. A lot of the searches that find that post sound so worried.)
I agree! Every parent needs to figure out what works best in their own family unit.
I am an extreme extrovert. I also homeschool. This list works for me too minus the co-sleeping. I LOVE having my babies near me at night in the first year. They all also slept in cribs and pack n plays for naps and the part of the night before I went to bed. Just perfect for me.
I think our parenting styles are quite similar. 🙂
Early bedtimes are a MUST. My kids get up early and I am jealous for my time alone with my hubby.
As an introverted mom, it's SO important to get that alone time so that I can enjoy my kids and deal with everyone talking at me all the time. 😛
A few other things that I do most days:
1. Once the busyness of breakfast and sending my hubby to work is over, I get about 30min or so alone with my tea and bible or whatever I want to do while my kids play or read by themselves.
2. My kids can play by themselves and with each other without drama. I get down on the floor and play sometimes, but I don't want my kids to rely on me for their own imagination and creativity. (This also gives me more time to get things done alone.)
3. I'm an introvert that doesn't like to stay home... a hobo? Anywho, when I'm feeling overwhelmed with my little people, we go outside. Whether it's riding bikes, playing tag or ball or to the park, outdoor activities tend to give that extra space my introverted self needs. (I don't have to talk as much either.)
4. Our home is set up so that most toys and activities are accessible to the kids. This may create more mess some days and some things get broken, but it takes away some of the "I need your help mom" time. They get to be more independent and I get a few minutes back to myself.
This post really made me smile! I'm a Total extrovert who thrives on Social situations but I had exactly the Same structures and routines as you when my kids were little!
xxx
I raised four kids on my own as I was widowed and found it hard to make time for myself. When I did, I invariably felt guilty as there was something I should have been doing.
So once a month I would take myself out to breakfast. During and after eating I would write all the birthday/Easter/Christmas cards needed for that month. I really enjoyed my alone time plus felt good about getting a pleasant chore out of the way that I wouldn't find time for if at home.
The kids are all grown now, but I still enjoy a monthly breakfast out on my own!!
I am 40 years old (with four siblings who are 37 and 27 (two sets of twins, hence the strict enforcement of quiet time!!)) and we STILL observe after-lunch quiet times when we're all together as a family. Everyone from infants to my 60-something parents scatters to the corners of whomever's house to just have some peace and quiet. It is SO important to have that peaceful time if you're even remotely introverted! We're all big readers, so it's often reading time (or sometimes nap time...let's be honest).
Yes!! I did almost all of these very things while my bunch was/is growing up. Only, with our babies, I always had a really hard time waking up at night, so once they were in bed for feeding that was it until morning - but, they slept longer in the morning . . . lol. I am definitely an introvert - and now that they are older and have their own schedules, life is even busier. I now give myself quiet time during the day since they are all too old for naps - and I go to bed early. 🙂
Introverted here too!
I could NEVER homeschool my kids, I would go cray-cray and we would all end up miserable!! (Plus, it's very rare where I live that kids are homeschooled. They surely exist but I don't know any).
I don't usually feel guilty for needing so much alone time to recharge my batteries. And I am very lucky to be sharing my life with an introvert (less than me, but still) that "gets it"! The one thing that bugs me about myself is that I need to be completely alone in the house to be able to recharge. If hubby and the kids are there, even if they are doing their own thing, I still feel the pressure to be "on". THIS makes me feel weird/abnormal....
Your list is pretty consistent with ours : no co-sleeping (at worse they can join on a matress beside our bed, if they are sick or scared. It's very rare that this happens), strict bedtimes, napping was extremely important and a sacred time, screen time is limited. Etc. Kids need stability and boundaries. So do I!