Does delayed gratification = more appreciation?
I'm thinking about this question specifically in terms of buying things. Basically, do you appreciate purchases more when you've had to wait for them?
For me, it's a yes.
When I have to patiently wait to save up for something, or find something on sale/secondhand/free, then when I do finally get that thing, I really, really appreciate it.
And if I had enough money to buy whatever I want, whenever I want it, I think that would reduce my level of appreciation for those purchases.
For example, I saved up for years and years to be able to buy my minivan without a car loan.
I do remember being a little discouraged when I thought about how long it was going to take to save up, but I think those years of waiting made the purchase that much more fulfilling.
The way I did it is slower, but the slowness makes me appreciate it more!
Sometimes I think about what it might be wealthy enough to be able to go out to eat all the time, particularly at fancy restaurants. But I think that I probably appreciate the experience more when it happens precisely because I have to wait a while between experiences.
Or remember that hydrangea that I grew from a stick at my last house? (the stick was a few dollars at Aldi)
I appreciated that bush so much because it took so long for it to become lush and beautiful.
I also think that I derive satisfaction from the scrappiness required to slowly acquire things in a frugal way.
When I look around my bedroom which is furnished almost entirely with free/secondhand stuff, I feel a sense of achievement that I would probably not feel if I'd gone and bought everything new.
For most of my life, I assumed my experience was universal.
But I had a friend some years ago who told me her take was the opposite of mine.
If she wanted something, she found the greatest satisfaction in being able to go out and buy it right away; if she had to wait, the whole experience lost some of its luster.
And I think that is so interesting! Even as I sit here typing this post, I have a hard time imagining what it would be like to experience life this way; my brain does not comprehend how delayed gratification could be anything but satisfying.
I am not a psychologist, so I am totally spit-balling in this next sentence:
I am thinking: if some of us are more naturally programmed to take some delight in delayed gratification while others are not, then it makes sense that there would be such disparities in how we humans handle money.
If this is true, then for me, frugal living is less of a struggle because it's a natural fit.
I experience joy from the end result of delayed gratification, and because I know this, I'm able to say no to something in the moment because I know there will be an even better feeling down the road.
And that means I deserve less credit for frugal living as compared to someone like my friend!
I'm guessing that if this is a spectrum, readers of this blog will naturally be more toward the end that enjoys the fruit of delayed gratification.
People who live life this way are going to be more drawn to reading and thinking about frugality, so we are probably not a very representative slice of the population.
Ok, so, I really want to know what you think about this, especially if you are someone who experiences this differently from me! Tell me:
I figure I work hard for my money and I am good at saving, so when I need something I get it. It just makes me frustrated not to go ahead and purchase the thing I feel I need. I give these purchases some amount of thought - more for larger ones, of course. But I don't, as a rule, get gratification from things. And I see them not as the goal, but as something that moves me along in life. Now can I be thrifty as I go along? Sure. But not always. But am I a spendthrift? No.
@Gina from The Cannary Family, Maybe this is the difference between "need" and "want", "needing" a car because yours has "died", versus "wanting" a particular car because it would better meet your desires than the still driveable one you have. Genuine needs have to be met when they arise; wants can be deferred. The trick lies in knowing the difference.
@Gina from The Cannary Family, I'm similar (?) to a point......
I work hard for my money and I'm good at finding the best price (most of the time) for what I need/want. Is this instant gratification? Not really, because usually I have to research/price compare & usually wait to get what need/want. Occasionally I do come across instant gratification when find great deal that will work for me (second hand shopping) & yes I'm usually thrilled & take pride & satisfaction in my find/purchase. But same is true for the wait until I find good price/what I need/want. For me it's the satisfaction that I purchased/got this done for best price because it gets me through life. Occasionally I could be considered a spendthrift, but I know that those purchases were made for best price (most of time at discount) & that I do enjoy them. Did I necessarily need them? Mayne not at moment, but do end up using over time. (Yes I do have too many My 31 tote bags/garden art poles/cookware, but they all were purchased for discount, I use (& gift) & enjoy using almost everyday. Do I occasionally make purchase regret later? Absolutely, only because I'm human & sometimes have been disappointed or changed my mind about purchase. In most cases (for myself) delayed gratification would not make a difference.
The answer is a resounding YES. Since most of my delays are self-imposed (most frugality is by choice rather than necessity), I have data and examples. Here’s one: if I get my favorite ice cream too often, it’s no longer a treat and no longer gives me the same emotional boost. I confirmed this during the pandemic and so went back to getting it very rarely.
The way I think of it is “If I don’t impose control on myself, who will?"
Kristen, I wonder if your friend’s joy is as long-lived as yours? Maybe she gets more joy for the immediate purchase but how does she feel a month or a year later?
I don't know! But I would be curious to ask her.
I'm the kind of person that delayed gratification works exceptionally well for me in some areas but awfully in others. Paying off my debt has been a long-haul process, and the reward at the end (being debt-free) will be worth the time and effort. Being healthy & achieving a healthy weight is also a long-haul process, but I am *not* doing well with it, despite the reward at the end (being healthy). I don't know why that is. Maybe I need to pick out a physical reward unrelated to the goal?
I love instant gratification. I get very impatient much of the time and frustrated easily. And when I look around my house, I get joy in how nice it looks and how cool my possessions are, whatever their cost. Of course I love things I got free, like the 1950s painted wooden cabana doors from the snootiest beach club in the Hamptons, or things I bought at auction as a steal, but I also--well, I like everything I have or I wouldn't have it. And yes, my things do bring me joy. (I know I harp about that a lot.)
Re whatever their cost, this weekend, I wore the same dress Kristen modeled with blue stripes! I got a zillion compliments on it and said proudly, "It was $30 on sale at Target!" I used an old Liberty print blue flowered necktie as a belt for that Fred Astaire touch.
@Rose, I wonder if the blue striped dress at Target will become the official Frugal Girl Commentariat uniform for us! (Well, maybe not for William....) LOL!
Battra is also definitely gonna pass on the dress. However, his wife would probably look stunning in it!
Ohhh, I am so happy you are enjoying the dress! And I'm sorry I didn't write you back when you sent me the picture; my email is terribly neglected right now.
It's funny, when you sent the picture, I thought, "Oh, Rose should wear this among all the Hamptonites and horrify them by telling them it's from Target." lol
@Kristen, I told everyone I saw! It's OK--I figured you were busy as anything.
Pic with bonus puppy:
https://ibb.co/KGftRt3
@Rose, I like the Liberty tie as a belt to the Target dress. Glad to hear that you're knocking 'em dead in the Hamptons with this ensemble!
And if I were 40 years younger and 40 pounds lighter, I'd be tempted to crash the Met Gala in a thrifted formal frock and tell the admiring journalists, "Oh, this old thing? I got it at my favorite little boutique, the Salvation Army."
@Rose, it was so nice to see what you look like, and you looked great in that dress.
@Rose, I like the puppy accessory. I'd wear it everywhere if I could.
@WilliamB, around my house...
Son: "I'm not getting good reception on this puppy."
Me: "We haven't upgraded him to 5G yet."
@Rose, Nice to put a face with the name. The dress looks good on you, but the puppy, oh that puppy! Scene stealer.
@Rose, You clearly are the happiest puppy mom and for very good reason! Also, you look stunning inThe Dress. Tar-zheh is gonna sell out of that dress in the Hamptons!
@Rose,
Dang it for online security that's tighter than Fort Knox here at work! I can't access your photo right now, but will later. I bet that dress looks fab on you. And who doesn't want to see Accessory Pup? 🙂
@Erika JS, There is no Target in the Hamptons! We're too good for chain stores. Now if you want Louis Vuitton or Valentino or--what is that Spanish leathergoods company?--you're good. Want a $2000 cashmere sweater? Yes! Right there, ma'am.
Re face with the name, I did have a Meet the Reader eons ago. With my face. And my hair looked better then. I don't know why it's so frizzy now, but I'm changing my shampoo/conditioner etc. I'm not (that) vain but my hair has always been my best feature.
Instead, everyone secretly orders things from Target online? 😉
The store I was trying to remember was Loewe. Looking for a raffia tote? It $2000! To quote the movie Working Girl, "It's not even leather!"
@Rose, It still is! Along with your pretty face. I'd give anything for hair the gorgeous color of yours, frizzy or not! And puppy-dog is very cute, too.
@A. Marie, I'm going to use that phrase...."I got it at my favorite little boutique, the Salvation Army/second hand store(s)"
@Rose,
The dress looks awesome on you. Love this photo of you with the Wee Pup.
Thanks for the compliments, all. The puppy is perhaps the most adorable thing I've ever seen. We are so in love with Rescue Pup, too. He is so smart and cute, we're having fun inventing home memes about him. Both puppies have brought us a lot of joy and laughter. Happiness is a warm puppy!
I completely understand what you've written about here, Kristen. In my own life, while I don't experience it so much with regard to my purchases, as I try to be a very deliberate shopper, I definitely, definitely experience it with regard to my endeavors.
A few examples of how I approach experiences with the same delayed gratification energy your post so beautifully describes:
- In preparation for my 2023 hike across Spain, I trained for weeks and weeks and weeks. I studied Spanish for months. I read a book on the Camino walk experience. The sum result of these deliberate efforts was the heightened euphoria I experienced repeatedly during my walk.
- I've had similar experiences when going through the Panama Canal - I spent hours and hours before we left reading David McCullough's extremely long and dense book about the building of the canal, 'The Path Between The Seas.' and got emotional multiple times during the transition as a result.
-I spent similar time and energy reading Ron Chernow's tome 'Hamilton' before seeing the play, and cried repeatedly during it as a result.
-I trained for countless hours and miles before running my first marathon, and before cycling my first Century, and was in euphoric tears at both finish lines
The result of all of this preparation, which I think is quite similar to the delayed gratification you are describing, is that when I finally get to the experience (the purchase if you will), the experience is incredibly magnified.
I hope this made sense!
@Tamara R, congratulations on your many accomplishments. It sounds like you thrive when you set goals for yourself?
@Tamara R, Hi! Do you document your experiences? I would love, love, love to know other people experiences about 'El camino de Santiago'. First time I heard about it was years ago while going in an ugly separation / divorce process, and day dreamed about go there and walk and breath peace.
@Bee, I apparently do, and I will say it has kept my life continually rich without breaking the bank, if you will.
My next endeavor will be the Coast-to-Coast walk across northern England. That effort will require months of months of delayed gratification (i.e., training), ha! 🙂
@K T, I did document my Camino walk, and do you know I still cry when I read through my entries even a year later? It was that impactful (you can read that as it was that hard!). But I really do see the training as aligning with Kristen's description of delayed gratification, meaning the training 100% heightened the emotions I experienced upon reaching completion.
There is a bagpiper stationed consistently at the final tunnel leading to the Santiago Cathedral, the location where all Camino pilgrimages end, and that is when my tears of joy at reaching the end became sobs.
It will be with me forever.
@Tamara R, Ahhh! Have you read The Salt Path.
@Tamara R, Being prepared for your experiences only enhanced your knowledge and enjoyment -- kudos to you. We should all do that before going on a trip or to a play! It may be delayed gratification but it's also a very smart way to wring as much good out of your endeavors as possible.
I've found that David McCullough is one of the best authors ever, but I didn't know he wrote about the Panama Canal. I'm definitely going to the library to see if they have a copy! I've read his John Adams and Truman biographies -- bought them used and they are proudly displayed on my bookshelf. (I guess that is an example of delayed gratification: I waited until the price came down before purchasing them, and absolutely loved reading them! By the time I got to the last pages of these very thick books, I was wishing they were twice as long! They were that good!) I found "The Pioneers," I think it is, at Ollie's Outlet, and bought and enjoyed that. I checked out the one on the Wright Brothers (and their sister) at the library.
The late Mr. McCullough was once, very deservedly IMO, called a "national treasure," and he thoroughly researched everything he wrote about. If he said it was 98 degrees on July 4, 1776, you can bet he found that out in his research -- and his footnotes will tell you where. So you know he is as accurate as any human can be. But his books read like very, very well-written novels -- not at all like dry research papers -- so they are as entertaining as they are educational and informative.
If anyone out there wants a really good book to read, find one by David McCullough; I can't recommend him highly enough.
@Fru-gal Lisa, The Path Between the Seas was one of McCullough's early books. Also not to be missed is his Mornings on Horseback, his biography of Theodore Roosevelt through TR's formative years.
@Tamara R, this makes so much sense to me! I agree completely.
I have always enjoyed reading as much as possible about a destination's history before visiting. I love epic historical dramas. Even as a teenager James Michener was on of my favorite authors because he has a way of bringing history to life with his fictional characters.
I enjoy running and have been considering signing up for a half marathon that is happening in 6 months. I think you are correct in that having a goal to work towards would give my training more meaning and be rewarding in the end 🙂
@Fru-gal Lisa,
Count me in the group of Mr. McCullough's fans. For many of the same reasons I love his work, I also love books by Stephen Ambrose. I'm reading "Nothing Like it in the World" right now, about the building of the transcontinental railroad. Fascinating! I loved loved loved the tv show Hell on Wheels, which I've come to discover some of the TV characters were based on real-life characters!
@Liz B., Have you read Ken Follett's books on the building of cathedrals? They are fiction, although a lot of real history and info on architecture is woven in. I end up having to blind my eyes when I stop reading, to bring myself back to this century! https://www.bookseriesinorder.com/kingsbridge will give you a better flavor of the series I am referencing.
@A. Marie, I have Mornings on my reserve list at the library. I think there are only 10 thousand readers ahead of me waiting to check it out....
@Liz B., Oh, I've got to check out Ambrose. Haven't read him yet, but the history of the transcon. RR sounds like a really good read this summer! Thanks!
@Lindsey,
I've never read any of Ken Follett's books, but now I think I must! Thank you for the link!
@Fru-gal Lisa,
Yes, do check his books out! They are very, very detailed...he must have done a zillion years worth of research before writing. He also wrote a really great book about the Lewis & Clark expedition (sorry, its title escapes me at the moment).
@Liz B., Undaunted Courage was Ambrose's Lewis & Clark book.
@Bee, or saw the movie The Way starring Martin Sheen.
@NumberCruncher, Do it!! I just ran my first (& last) half marathon 4/27. It was so hard & fun & exhilarating. I had many family members with signs along the route. I can in dead last in my 55-59 age group, but I only needed to walk once & finished!! Sign up today!!!
My experience with frugality has lead me to believe it has a lot to do with how you perceive your early experiences.
My family was what used to be called "blue collar", lower middle class. I never felt poor or deprived, mostly due to my mother and her way of looking at things. I've been frugal all my life, even though I could afford not to be.
I had a friend whose upbringing was certainly no worse than mine. But she felt deprived, she felt poor, she felt "less". As an adult she has a good paying job, and she once said she would never buy anything that wasn't shiny and new, because of the way she grew up.
@Bell, My mother was like that, to the point of offering to buy me a new side table to replace the one I just got, because that was one thrifted. (As if, having spent all that time to find the right thing, I'd want to start looking again.)
To her, thrift meant poverty. To me, having been raised comfortably, thrift means cleverness.
@WilliamB,
I think their is a big difference for some between wanting to thrift and having to thrift.
@Bee,
I agree. I think buying secondhand is "beating the system." You know, the system that would like to keep us all in poverty and keep us struggling financially and in debt to them. I'm sure I could afford brand new, but why waste the extra cash?
@Fru-gal Lisa,
I did not grow up thrifting. My parents were careful with their money, but we never shopped at a Goodwill or a Garage Sale. However, once I discovered estate sales in my 20’s and read the Tightwad Gazette, there was no turning back. I am not as hardcore as some. I do buy new on occasion when I feel it’s necessary. However, it is great to stretch that dollar as far as it will go. As my good friend and thrifting buddy says - Make that dollar holler!
My parents didn't thrift but we did often get things that fell off a truck. Yes, I grew up with the Sopranos, basically.
@Bee, Love your friend's motto. Maybe we should all embroider that on our purses, LOL!
I also did not grow up thrifting, Mom would have been ashamed to have done so. Instead, she'd accept hand-me-down clothes from an older cousin. Who did NOT like being ordered to give up some of her old clothes. I got sacks full of tacky, out-of-fashioned items. The only thing that saved me is that I ended up being much taller than this cousin, so when I had to wear her early 1960s below-the-knee dresses to junior high in the late '60s, they came up to mini-skirt length on me (or at least the above-the-knee length the school allowed). Therefore, I looked semi-fashionable.
In my first job out out college, I was asked to help out at a charitable fashion show where I met the manager of a thrift store. Audette took a liking to me, and would save donations from a wealthy lady who happened to be my size. Boy, was I hooked on secondhand clothing from then on! A few years later, I picked up a copy of The Tightwad Gazette Vol. 1 at Targets and started being a Frugal Zealot devotee from then on.
I mostly agree with your point of view, but if the delayed gratification is not my choice, I actually lose interest and find I don't want something at all. For example, both my grandmother and my mother kept items I coveted for years but by the time they finally gave me the items, I had zero interest in them. Also, during the pandemic, as dining out became difficult or non-existent, I looked forward to restaurants reopening, but by the time they did, again, I had zero interest in dining out (when previously, it had been a favorite thing to do) and consequently, haven't been out to eat since pre-pandemic. So in my case, maybe delayed gratification causes me to appreciate what I already have (which is even more frugal, right? 😉 )
@Bobi, I think your point about sometimes losing interest as a result of delaying gratification is an extremely important one. It's a really solid technique if trying to determine whether the pending item is a need or a want. The wants seem to fade fairly quickly for me, whereas the needs do not. And sometimes something I know to be a want, not a need, will also stay and stay, which is when I will then consider an actual purchase.
@Tamara R, same here. And this is exactly the reason why I now sometimes choose not to wait, but buy/shop/dine impulsively once in a while. Because I experienced that I got so used to a very frugal way of life during the pandemic - with only work, household, and gardening. I sometimes need to go a bit crazy to not to loose all spontaneity, I guess.
For true wants, I find that the delay often eliminates the want altogether. I have inattentive ADHD that went undiagnosed until my late 30s (being a GenX woman is the best...). Because my ADHD manifests primarily as dysregulated executive control, I am...impulsive. When coupled with hyperfixation and an Amazon Prime account, it can get a little dicey.
Now that I have various strategies to better manage my executive function, I find that a lot of my wants are just impulses. Funnily enough, things like Pinterest have helped me recognize when something is probably just a passing hyperfixation. I don't always nip it in the bud, but it gets better and better with each passing year.
When there is something I genuinely want and have to work hard for, then absolutely yes, the gratification is much more intense. It's a lot more rare now to look back and beat myself up over something that I purchased in the past.
I think finding joy in delayed gratification really depends on the circumstances for me.
When I had to save for something that I really needed as young, broke SAHM, it could be terribly frustrating. However, I appreciated absolutely everything I had.
Fast forward 35 years, I have everything that I need, but I often have to save up for wants. Saving for a special trip does not feel the same as saving for a new bra that I really needed but could not afford. Enjoying something I want brings me a sense of accomplishment and joy where as being able to finally being able to buy a necessity brought me relief.
@Bee, That is a very good point about wants and necessities.
@Bee,
Well said, Bee!
It took me a long time to get to the place I am right now with contentment. Maybe it's just getting older, but I no longer feel that sense of needing to keep up with everyone around me. I am also perfectly happy to brown bag most days. Whereas when I was younger that was not the case. I was eating out constantly! I think of all that lost income on something that really didn't bring me that much joy. I just think I wasn't that happy with my life at the time. I'm hoping my kids see me packing lunches and coffees and looking for the best deals on things and catch little lessons.
We are largely at a place in our lives where we can buy what we need, and also fulfill most of our wants. We actively work to not do that regularly, as hedonistic adaptation is a real thing. The more we splurge, the less likely it is to feel special & fun & like a reward.
For travel, I find it very enjoyable to maximize our trip with the least cost. As a general rule, I enjoy finding deals & discounts for most things we buy. But, I have the luxury of time to do that (I enjoyed it even when I didn't, though) & in the back of my mind, I always know that I work hard to find deals because 1) it's fiscally responsible and 2) I enjoy it but not because 3) I absolutely must.
Like Tamara mentioned above, I really enjoy setting goals & working hard for them, and our budget & fitting things in while maximizing our lives & enjoyment is all part of that. I do really enjoy treating other people, but it's rarely a "thing" & much more likely to be an experience.
I have mostly lived in a financial state in which I had to plan and save up, at least on purchases that weren't cheap. Add to that my desire to find and purchase used as often as possible, and I'd say delayed gratification is a way of life for me. I think it comes fairly easily to me. Does it increase my level of satisfaction with what I've bought however? Honestly, I'd say yes and no. Yes in that I found the item I'd been hunting for at the best price, it feels like a triumph. But sometimes no, in that I needed something but had to wait, at further expense and/or inconvenience (think using a laundromat while saving for a washer), until I could get it. That tends to annoy me even after the purchase is made, that I had to wait for it.
My husband is not one for delayed gratification. He has always felt that he should go out and buy X once he comes to the decision that yes, he does really need or want this. Saving up was a foreign concept to him. His parents always carried wads of cash and were able to buy as soon as they decided to do so. His dad made good money when DH was growing up; the story was different for us, because we didn't have that kind of money. It frustrated him greatly to delay purchases and he was sure not happier for having saved up and waited. When he bought, say, a tool or a pair of boots without waiting, he was very pleased, and he would sometimes point out to me that he was so glad he had purchased X when he first decided to get it, instead of waiting around to buy it.
He bought a Bosch cordless drill that was an unplanned bite out of our (or rather, my) budget quite a few years ago, and to this very day, he could kiss that drill. To be honest, it's still my favorite drill, too. I think he wins on that one.
@JD, as usual, your description of yourself and your DH could have been applied to myself and my DH, with a few tweaks. It took my DH a good while to come around to frugality, and he was prone to the occasional impulse purchase (although they did get more and more occasional) right up to the point where he couldn't handle money any more.
And I should probably draw the curtain of charity over his mother's and sister's initial reactions to having a DIL/SIL who not only bought most of her and her husband's wardrobes at thrift shops, but was proud of it. Once I started showing them the labels, however, they thawed out a bit.
@A. Marie, The husband's mother, who grew fond of me but was never in love with me, was overheard saying her son was married to "one of those fem-nazi women. She probably even buys her clothes at Goodwill!" That was not a slam at frugality but at not having any fashion sense. (As far as I can tell, a fem-nazi was any woman who did not change her name when she married...)
Somehow, I have never equated thrifting with being a femi-nazi. lol
@Lindsey, my MIL didn't say anything at the time when I didn't change my last name on marriage, but she let it out a while later in a piece of writing she did for her senior center's writing group. The lady who married DH's younger brother didn't change her name either, and neither of us have conventional surnames (although both are easier to spell than our husbands' surname). So the MIL got all huffy about it in her piece for the senior center. Oh, well, at least she got that off her chest.
@A. Marie, that's funny! My (now Ex) in-laws (& his family) were not happy that I didn't change my last name. They were even more unhappy when he joked about changing his last name to mine! 😉 They made it abundantly clear when sending mail or receiving a gift----it always said Mrs. (husband name). I did say something a few times to the effect that my name was (first name).
Sometimes delayed gratification is a good feeling for me. I'm thinking here about how much I'm enjoying my new (used) car that is so much more pleasant to drive than the fleet of beaters I've been driving for years.
However, I do not get any great joy out of delaying the purchase of, say, clothing. If I need/want a pair of shoes, I will just buy them. I don't let things sit in carts or whatever to make sure it's something I really want. I buy things rarely enough for myself that if I think of something I want, it's a pretty safe bet that I really do need/want it.
Of course, a pair of shoes does not require saving up like my car did. 🙂 Maybe if I bought really nice shoes, the experience would be more similar?
@kristin @ going country,
Well, you could save up for a pair of Christian Louboutins, but I’m not sure they would be practical on your ranch. You know how heels sink into the dirt. However, I just saw that CL has come out with some $1800 trainers though. Just what every thrifty woman needs. Really! Can one imagine?
@Bee,
High heels might be just the thing for dispatching egg-stealing snakes, though.
@JD, I am trying to imagine bludgeoning a snake with a stiletto and . . . no. Sounds like a scene in a movie, and certainly nothing I would want to do. 🙂
@kristin @ going country, My daughter attacked a black snake with a pink croc when it was trying to eat the baby bluebirds. I hope I never forget that image. (I was not that brave.)
Depending on the item, there are times when it doesn't bother me to wait until I have the money. Sometimes it bothers me a lot because the reasons I want or need an item or service are compelling and time-sensitive.
What very much enables me to wait is that I have a thing about paying full price for almost anything if there is some way (sale, promotion, etc.) that gives me the opportunity to get a discount and save. (But when there is strong incentive such as a large cashback, I sometimes give myself permission to buy at regular price, using the cash back as the "equivalent" of a discount. And I'm in heaven when there is a sale and a big cashback. )
If I had more money, I'd still be price conscious and still looking for bargains (I have lived and worked around truly rich people and believe me, they are often the biggest bargainers and sales shoppers around. I've seen them haggle in situations where you and I would be embarrassed. They aren't.) I don't like wasting money unnecessarily (oh, when we have to throw out food no matter how we plan. Aiyeeee) and I like a bargain.
I so wish we had places to get such free or cheap things as you have in furnishing your home. Before everyone started selling online we had great Salvation Army and Goodwill shops. Over the years, I got so much good stuff and boy, yes, I really enjoyed my bargains. Very few things at full price give me such pleasure. This is independent of whatever discretionary funds I have.
Where I live (a major big city), people joke about how serious we are about NOT paying retail. (This was sort of born in me when, because of the industries I worked in, I had access to a lot of free or heavily discounted items such as clothing, accessories; home appliances; kitchen wear; beauty, hair and fragrance cosmetics.)
I quickly reshaped my buying habits when such gifts/purchases were no longer available. (To me the free stuff was a compensation the low salaries in all the areas where the free or reduced merchandise was offered.)
But pleasure is sometimes anything but monetary. I have spent a lot on some items that are used all the time, so that in essence their cost = per-use is ultimately low. And I am someone that loathes when something breaks down and you can't get it fixed. Everyone pushes to buy new for everything all the time. Ugh. I don't need a new phone every year . I don't need new clothes all the time (Years ago I read how you should evaluate what you'll pay for an item of clothing based on how often you will wear it. Using that as a guideline and how many years' wear I get out of an item, some seemingly high -priced items are really investment pieces that pay off big time.)
There is great pleasure from using something all the time, regardless of what I paid for it.
I don't know if being a serious bargain hunter means I'm thrifty. It's just how I few purchasing. It's been painful the last year or so with the increases in prices for food because numerous retailers have closed (national food stores) and local fruit/veggie stands have closed. Whoever remains immediately ups prices.
A block up the street is a fruit and vegetable stand that has been around almost 50 years. Great prices, good stock. Nice staff. They are closing this week and already the only other nearby food store has upped their prices on fruits and veggies.
@Irena, I read an article about a guy who itemized every single piece of his clothing, including date of purchase. Every day he would put a check mark next to the stuff he wore that day. That way he could always figure out what had been worth buying and what had worn out too soon or turned out to be something he did not enjoy wearing. I thought I was anal about keeping track of every single penny we spent that day before we go to bed, but he put me to shame. I did find it rather appealing, though.
I was raised with delayed gratification. My parents drove their cars for decades, while family members chastised them and flaunted their high style living. I didn't know any different as a kid that I had to save hard for what I wanted. I remember walking rural roads to pick up cans and bottles, taking them home to scrub clean and turn in for money. I did this for a whole year (age 10) and bought my first Schwinn 10 speed. That was a very proud day! I kept it until my second year in college when I learned out mountain bikes and off road fun. I had to save up for my first cow, too (same year!).
Like now, my 59 yo waffle maker gave up the ghost, so it is on my wants list for when I find estate sales and garage sales. I did the same thing with my InstaPot, waited for years, it paid off last summer and I still get a thrill when I use it. I could go on and on!
@Blue Gate Farmgirl, Most of my kitchen equipment is either hand-me-downs from my mom and grandmothers -- or bought secondhand. I look for older items that were made in the USA -- like your 59-year-old wafflemaker, they'll last almost forever. (Estate sales are super good sources for this.) As for microwave ovens, coffeemakers or small appliances invented in this century, I search thrift stores. BTW, right now is about to be high season for such things (esp. for those of us living in college towns) because the students dump a lot of things when moving out of their apartments. When I lived in an apartment complex, I watched the area around the trash dumpsters at the end of each semster -- and was able to get Corningware casseroles, lamps, furniture, rugs, books, a shower curtain, houseplants and a box of nice clothing, all of it tossed by the college kids. A lot of it, I turned in to (clothing and furniture) consignment stores and used bookstores; I got either cash or credit for my finds. But I still have a sweater and lamps and lampshades gleaned from the garbage.
@Fru-gal Lisa, Now bigger colleges collect those items & resell them (not cheap).in college resale store (which is usually limited time). Of course most colleges don't charge for damage or additional cleaning fees, so I guess the colleges think they can make up the difference.
@Fru-gal Lisa,
College students moving is in Sept here for us. Aug 31/Sept 1st it's known as Allston Christmas.
For me it kind of depends. I don't like having to wait to buy something, but with things I have had to save for, I tend to appreciate them more (like my reading chair). It's the same with travelling - I love exploring new places and often appreciate a holiday more if I've had to save for it.
Having said that, I don't enjoy the feeling of having to save and having to say no to social events to save money. I also really love finding something I want second hand.
@Sophie in Denmark, I am looking around for a good reading chair right now. Would you share the manufacturer of yours, if you don’t mind? Thanks kindly.
@Erika JS, it was from ikea so nothing fancy, but it's very comfortable!
@Sophie in Denmark, Would you share the name of the chair??
I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I do appreciate delayed gratification in terms of getting to enjoy anticipation and avoid hedonistic adaptation. I learned an interesting lesson about the effects of getting whatever you want when you want it when I was in high school--growing up in a family of modest income, ordering pizza was a big treat for special occasions. Then my mom went back to grad school and we started ordering pizza once a week to make meal prep easier on the rest of the family. I was surprised by how quickly pizza got boring! On the other hand, there have also been times in my life when I finally got to do or buy something and it turned out to be an anticlimax because I had waited so long there was no way something could be good enough to be worth the wait.
I think I do get satisfaction from delayed gratification, but that hasn't always been the case. It's something I've learned. When I was younger, I would sometimes buy in haste and regret it later. And when I had credit card debt, I learned that owing money feels a whole lot worse to me than waiting to save up for something. So now I can not only save money, but enjoy the feeling of being debt-free and using the frugal skills I've learned to good effect.
Most of my life has been delayed gratification and it doesn't increase my satisfaction levels. In my case though it was always due to necessity. My husband and I both grew up in poverty (mid to late 30s, he had no indoor plumbing growing up, I had no reliable access to fresh water, etc). Life has always been working hard to get what is needed and yes, it's satisfaction to get it, mostly more appreciation I would say, but the struggle to get there is not satisfying.
We are at a point now where we do not currently have to worry about making ends meet and have money leftover for a few (cheaper) wants. Yesterday I found a bounce house with a little water area in the bottom for $100, clearanced down from $240. I debated and reviewed so hard standing in the store and ultimately decided to get it. To me $100 is still a whole lot of money and hard to part with. But the satisfaction of finding the deal and my children spending hours on it yesterday was worth it. Had I set aside a little money here and there for it, it would not have been has satisfying.
Honestly, I think delayed gratification is something not as satisfying when it's all you've ever really known.
I do appreciate the things like wait for and I even enjoy the waiting a little, thinking how great the item or experience will be. My husband is the opposite. He usually buys something as soon as he thinks of it. And many times , he soon finds that he didn't really want it, or it is not better than what he already had, or it doesn't do what he thought it would.
Oooh I think I am closer to your friend on this one.
It sounds ridiculous as I type it out, but I feel like maybe I get a little bit resentful of the item I’ve had to delay gratification for? Like I hold it to a higher standard somehow — were you really worth two years of scrimping and saving for??
Whereas if it was an impulse buy, and it doesn’t work out, I’m less likely to anthropomorphize it and more like to shrug and be like “well that was on me for rushing into it”, or, if it does work out, be grateful and amazed that it did!
That is so interesting! I love to hear about how other people's brains work, especially when they are different from mine.
Hmm.... I considerer myself frugal, yet I don't relate to delayed gratification increasing my level of satisfaction. Sometimes it just gets on my nerve to have to wait for something. I will wait to save money, period. I live with 3 people. 2 of us are like you, 2 of us are not. I think it's all about impulse control and serotonine/adrenaline hits actually. The 2 if us that are not team delayed gratification also have ADHD, ah!
I am delayed gratification camp on most fronts. I just naturally thrive while saving. What I need to work on is JOYFULLY spending the money once the money is saved. I want to be thrifty and frugal but not a tightwad.
I'm not sure I'm in either camp. If it's something I delight in or appreciate, I enjoy it either way.
I personally think money and savings styles are more a matter of nurture than nature. If saving and thrift were modeled for you when you were young, then they usually turns out to be your typical operating system. If, on the other hand, you learned that debt and using purchasing for dopamine hits were normal, you probably don't have such a strong delayed gratification muscle.
I'm unfortunately in the second camp. My mother has always been terrible with money. My dad is more thrifty. My parents fought about it constantly.
My natural tendency is to cycle back and forth between the two approaches, unless I am being very deliberate and mindful. Not going to lie, it's a struggle still @ 55.
My goal is to be more like Kristen and all the rest of you all. I don't always manage it, but I keep trying. Every purchase is a choice to go one way or the other.
@Sara,
Same here regarding my parents. My mom was never good with money, and would spend to (I think) assuage her guilt about being a working mom. When shopping for back to school clothes, she spent way more on myself and my three sisters than was necessary. Looking back, I'm horrified at the debt she and my dad were in constantly. Thrift shopping or yard sales? No way. She always wanted new, shiny, the best. She doesn't understand my desire to be frugal at. All.
For me it depends of the experience . I have zero patience for long term projects. If i paint a dresser, I need to have it fonished asap not waiting or I lose interest. Pla ning to purchase a vehicle or go on vacation, i have complete patience for
I’m in the middle. If it’s too easy, it’s easy to take for granted. On the other hand, if it’s extremely hard to achieve something it better be exactly all that I was hoping it would be, or it will likely end up a huge disappointment. Some amount of delay and work gives me a feeling of achievement without too much torture.
I appreciate your take, but I'm not sure delayed gratification and frugality are all that much related. Sure, sometimes you have to save up, but that doesn't mean you are being frugal. I can save up a long time for something and still pay way too much or I can get something I want now at a fraction of the cost because I find a frugal way to get it.
I also wonder how much delayed gratification has simply been pushed on us by the culture (i.e. it is not about wiring at all). After all, delayed gratification is the entire argument of purity culture.
Therefore, I think gratification comes from what you put into a thing. For some folks that is the delay, but for others it is the emotional investment or cash or hustle to buy it cheaply.
@Amanda in VA, Like the toddler marshmallow test. Today, still we talk about kids who "passed" the test. Such a value judgment. What about the kid who figures a marshmallow in the hand is worth two in the bush, as it were? Seems valid to me. Maybe the toddler thinks the tester might be lying to him/her.
@Amanda in VA, I don't feel like delayed gratification is pushed on us by the culture. In fact, I think the exact opposite, we are constantly pushed to want more, more, more...or have I misunderstood what you meant?
@Lindsey,
This is what I was thinking to. There isn't really delayed gratification these days. I look at my nephew and he gets what he wants, when he wants it. I do don't only mean regarding purchases/things.
He wouldn't know what it is like to wait for something. In this streaming/instant culture we live in, if you could have seen his face when I told him when I was his age, if we wanted to watch something we went to the video store and hoped it was on the shelf. If not, we hoped it was recently returned while we were there at the store and went to the counter and asked. If not, tough luck kid, you aren't watching it til next week if its there when you go through the same ordeal again.
I suppose this has been true for multiple generations now, but maybe the rate has sped up of late. Like, I can imagine that a generation before us would have thought, "These kids know nothing about delayed gratification. We had to wait to see movies in the theater!"
Or going back multiple generations, people would have had to wait to see a live performance of a story on stage.
But it does seem like the rate change for gratification has been super fast in the last generation or two.
Agreed on the purity culture, but maybe the delayed gratification push was really more limited to that religious bubble, and is not that common in the culture at large.
My first thought when I need or want something is. What do I have around here that will work? I have always like to recycle and make things and I’m usually happy with the results. Since I inherited my parents and grandparents stuff it’s like my own thrift store. Which is one reason I quit shopping at them years ago. This habit works especially well on home decor. If I can’t make something I either substitute with a different idea, or do without. Or I shop around online then buy what I want. Now that I’m older I usually pass on buying stuff as I have too much. I often don’t replace items when they break or wear out, just use something else. For example my stand mixer is going out. Even though I like using it I won’t replace it. I have a hand mixer in the cabinet that will work fine for me. I used a hand mixer when first married (a wedding gift). I’ll actually be happy to get the counter space back.
An interesting post.. made me stop and think.I do NOT do great with delayed gratification! Although I consider myself frugal. I think that I tend to just “be happy” with less or with what I have..?? Then when it is time for something new, like a car or another house or a vacation, if I have to wait TOO long, I tend to lose my enthusiasm for the whole thing and just want to forget about it. But I usually tend to only “Want” what we can already afford.. so I don’t usually have to delay.. if that all makes sense…
This happened the year I needed a new car. My husband over researched it to death! He changed his mind repeatedly.He questioned my choice of colors over and over.. he is kinda reaaaaal cautious.Me, I tend to research,know what I can afford,narrow it down, then pull the trigger. When I threw up my hands and said, let’s just forget about it..finally he was ready and we bought the car I had researched!
I rarely have a sense of “urgency” about stuff. While we needed a new car, our old one had a little life left in it, I could have just forgot about it for a while. But we did have the money saved.
When we were younger, with minimal income and student loans,my “needs” and “wants” were so small and simple, I didn’t have to worry over delayed gratification, as we basically could not afford much! HA HA! A great day out/splurge was a day trip to the beach, 40 minutes away.. with packed sandwiches and juice in the cooler.. easy to do on spur of moment.We had a budget of $20 a month to go to our favorite Japanese cafe for a dinner date.I just didn’t think of the other stuff in life.. at that time.
Now, we have been able to have most of what we feel we need/want, as we eventually had good jobs and have saved, and now are retired.. and I still don’t have big things I pine for that mean saving up for or delayed gratification..
This is a long comment,I know..yours just made me think.. If I can’t do it now,I just forget about it,I guess. When I CAN do it, then I will do it,promptly. I think that saving over the years, and also having needs and wants in line with our income at each point, has been a big part of being content in life!
I have examples of it all. As a child we had little, but did not realize it as there was always food on the table and our needs were met.
When I became an adult, I set up housekeeping on a dime, but got a credit card and used it. Or bought quality things "on time." I have the ubiquitous set of "lifetime warranty waterless cookware." It has and will last that long. My house is full of things given to me, or thrifted, with a few things bought new. When I have bought new things, they have have been costly but with enduring value and have usually been bought when a better price was available. (i.e. Mixer, washer and dryer, vacuum cleaner.)
For trips, I research the area in advance in order to take the fullest amount of experience and not waste time researching while there.
As for the cute little dress, Aldi has a cute little t-shirt dress for $7.99. I don't like short dresses on me, but since this was short, and I am short it hits me right at the knees. It is as cute as a button! And it has pockets!
I definitely felt the delayed gratification the first time my husband and I went to Disney, back in 2004. We saved for four years - yes, four! I used that time to research, research, research, and to find every way I could to save money before and during the trip. To this day, that is my very favorite vacation. I had built up so much anticipation, and had waited so long, and the trip was everything we wanted it to be, and more. I appreciated that trip so much more than the spontaneous trips we take now, the ones we can better afford. It's just not the same. I also appreciate the thrifted and found furnishings in my house more than many items I've purchased new.
I like planning vacations way ahead of time, enjoy looking forward to them.
On the other hand, most of my best choices in clothes have been from impulse purchases. Like I just see something and know I have to have it. I am super picky about clothes and shoes so when I do find something I like I won't hesitate.
I’m 100% with you, Kristen and some others; I take greater pleasure in things that I had to save up for. One of the reasons I thoroughly enjoyed our one trip to Disney years ago was because it was all paid before we went. I also like doing nice things for my future self; having the option of multiple digital accounts means I can slowly save for a new hearing aid (I generally need to replace mine every 5 years and it’s a special BAHA that costs $$$) and prepare for when our very old stove gives up the ghost.
There's a famous study from Stanford University, the Marshmallow Study, in which children were offered a marshmallow, but told if they would wait while the researcher was out of the room, they would get two marshmallows when the researcher returned. Over forty years, the study found that the children who were willing to wait ended up being more successful in life. You can read one article here: https://jamesclear.com/delayed-gratification
I think I fall into the 'wait for it' crowd. Though I will also admit that now that I am in a better place financially, it's nice not having to wait.
@Cindi, I would have been the kid who ate my marshmallow immediately and then tried to figure out how to talk someone else into giving me their marshmallow, too.
@Cindi, the study seems a little flawed and simplistic. By reading about it, they mostly tested it on children from wealthy and comfortable backgrounds to start with.
https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2018/6/6/17413000/marshmallow-test-replication-mischel-psychology
I dislike marshmallows but if it had been chocolate I would not have waited!
Neither. I'm at a stage where I can buy anything at any time. But, I don't just rush out and buy something. Even online, things sit in my shopping basket awhile before I decide whether or not to buy them. Recently, I thought I wanted to change the style of my clothes. But, every day I deleted something from the basket until there was nothing left in it. Apparently, I decide to keep being me.
I was not really frugal until I after I'd been married for a few years. The husband was sort of scared into frugality when he was in grad school and was at a childcare center and met a guy in his 70s. The man was exhausted but told my husband he had no choice but to work because he was a spendthrift in his youth and was paying for it now. For some reason that was seared in the (comfortably middle class raised) husband's memory and he became extremely frugal (like buying real as opposed to powdered milk was his way of celebrating something!!). I, on the other hand, was raised very poor in my early years, while my father worked as a brick layer and learned English. My father ended up inventing something and made quite a bit of money and was not hesitant to spend it because he'd seen his family lose everything during the war so never really trusted saving for things---if the banks are nationalized you lose the money and if you have spent the money on a house the Nazis can just take that away from you, so save or spend, either way you lose. If I wanted something, I honestly would say to myself, "Well, the Nazis will get it either way, so enjoy it while you can." At first I started to be more frugal because my spending made my husband nervous and it pained me to see him that way. He never imposed his money values on me except by quiet example, and he did abide by the rule I gave him before we married, "You can never criticize how much I spend on books or magazines." But eventually I saw how living his way meant no worries about money. The irony is that when he and then I got a catastrophic illness, and both of us required treatment that our insurance would not cover because it was considered experimental, our savings probably saved our lives. However, we ended up almost poverty stricken for about a decade while we built things back up. It was not the Nazis but our own bodies that took everything away from us! If we each had not had some fancy degrees and not lived in Alaska during the height of the Trans-Alaska pipeline when jobs had to pay stratospheric salaries to compete with the oil field jobs, I am not sure we could have recovered enough to have the life we live now. I don't find satisfaction in delayed gratification; it is the game aspects of being frugal that motivate me.
My answer definitely matches yours Kristen! The whole process gives me pleasure: looking forward to something waiting for a sale or searching for something second hand; the joy of knowing I got a good deal and then the final pleasure of enjoying that item once I have it. My husband has a very different feeling. I grew up frugal, but we were financially secure and my parents were frugal so we could travel. My husband grew up with some financial insecurity. Sometimes when he waits to purchase an item or I suggest that he look secondhand, that triggers his self worth, like he is not worth having the new/full price/immediate thing. As you can imagine, this is something we have to navigate often in our relationship! As to the satisfaction we each feel long term, I can definitely say I enjoy and appreciate items (and the back story of how they were aquired) months and years after they became mine but judging from my husband's behavior, he seems to move on to the next thing shortly after aquiring something ("aren't I worthy of having what I want?") It's definitely a completely different way of thinking!
I think for me it depends. I can definitely appreciate delayed gratification, but I am also lazy and abhor unnecessary extra work. So if something is going to require an endless number of frustratingly pointless steps like fighting an insurance company, for example, I am very likely to prefer to throw money at a problem just to make it go away.
Weirdly there’s a chance that if you remarry you may not have to delay gratification because of an increase in income. I’ve had a few friends end up far wealthier after they remarried. They were shocked when life threw a divorce at them that they didn’t want and very fearful. They’re all happily married now and strangely all ended up better financially.
That is true; who knows what my future holds? But no matter what comes down the pike, I will have a good job that will allow me to support myself!
I'm right there with you. I'm so much more pleased with my stuff, because it's all scavenged and repaired than anything I could order from Pottery Barn. Then again, it's no surprise that you and I would align on this.
P.S. I know it's terribly out of focus, but I appreciate the prominent display of "The Tightwad Gazette" in the background of one photo.
BOTH! and neither. I get gratification in providing for myself. Whether it has to be delayed or immediately. It is satisfaction of not depending on anyone else for my needs and wants. Independence.