Care about something a lot? Then the work will fall on you (and that's ok)
A little while back, a reader asked if my kids feel about my food-waste avoidance efforts; do they think it's dumb? Are they as enthusiastic about avoiding food waste as I am?
The answer?
They don't think my efforts are dumb.
And at the same time, here's what is true:
No one in my house cares quite as much about food waste as I do.
So, this means that the bulk of the food waste fighting efforts at this house fall on my shoulders. I care the most about this, so it stands to reason that I will put forth the most effort.
Mr. FG and the girls do things like saving and reheating leftovers, of course.
And no one complains about eating banana muffins or overnight French toast or croutons or any of the other things I make to use up odds and ends.
But the actual putting together of random meal concoctions, planning how to use up freezer contents, reorganizing the fridge/pantry to highlight what needs to be eaten...that's my territory.
And I am the one who will eat the last bit of cereal, the heel on the loaf of bread, the leftovers no one else wants, and so on.
I suppose I could get mad about this and indulge in a dramatic victim mindset: "Why am I the only one who care about food waste?"
<falls dramatically onto the chaise lounge>
(I do not, in fact, own a chaise lounge.)
The thing is, Mr. FG and the girls participate in the fight against food waste at a rather normal-person level, and that's fine.
I don't really think it's reasonable to expect them to care as much or expend as much energy on this as I do.
If you care the most about something, you need to initiate/lead/work the most
This is true for pretty much any area of life.
While it is reasonable to expect spouses and children to go along/participate to a degree, the person who has the highest level of passion for something cannot expect everyone else to have that same level of passion.
If you are the person in the household who values adventure the most, you are going to have to initiate that the most.
If you are the person in the household who values a super clean house the most, you are going to have to work the hardest at that.
(No one else is going to notice the dust behind the bathroom door.)
If you are the person who values variety in restaurants, you will probably need to do the work of researching and choosing new ones.
If you are the person who cares about a meticulous lawn the most, you will have to take care of it the most.
If you are the person who values saving money the most, you can expect the family to stick with the budget, but you are probably going to be on your own when it comes to more extreme, high-effort money saving tactics.
How can I get my spouse/kids to care about this like I do?
You can't.
And they can't make you care as much as they do about other things!
But I do think that you can:
Expect what is fair
As I mentioned above, I do think it's reasonable to expect some average level of participation from household members.
For instance, people need to do their laundry and clean up after themselves. But if you can't rest until the brass is polished and all the ceiling fans are dusted every week, well, you probably need to handle those chores.
And in the financial realm, spouses need to stick to agreed-upon spending and saving guidelines.
But if you want to mend your joggers until they fall apart (hi! it's me!) or you think it's important to use every last bit of the toothpaste tube (also me), you're going to be happier if you just make peace with the fact that you might be the only one doing those things.
So then you can just finish up the last bit of the toothpaste tube while your spouse starts the brand new one.
Be respectful of things that are just differences
It's easy for a super-clean person to think of someone else as a slob (and for that other person to think of the super-clean person as a clean freak!)
It's also easy for a saver to think of the other person as a profligate spender. And the spender can look at the saver as a tight-fisted miser.
But these types of preferences are usually just neutral differences, not problematic extremes, and seeing them as differences encourages kindness toward others.
(Obviously, problematic extremes need to be addressed. I'm just saying that a lot of differences are not problematic extremes!)
Readers, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Agree? Disagree? How do you see this play out in your life?
P.S. As I was writing this post, I thought about how when I was a pre-teen, I wished we had more homemade bread in the house. So, I started baking bread. Problem fixed! I cared the most about eating homemade bread, so it fell to me to make it happen.
I wish someone had told me this at the beginning of my marriage. It is so, so true. I sometimes feel resentful about doing most of the cooking (because my husband doesn't really care about having nice meals). I do most of the cooking and shopping because I want nice produce etc. He cares more about investments, insurance policies, etc, and I don't have to deal with that stuff.
I agree with Kristen and with Sarah K, up to a certain point. But I have also come to feel that it's important for everyone to move out of their areas of passion and/or comfort zones enough to at least get familiar with doing things that they don't care about so much or aren't so comfortable with. This is something I've had to learn the hard way as DH has become more and more incapacitated.
That’s true! Sometimes we want to do things we care less about for people we care a lot about, who care about those things but aren’t able to do them! ❤️
A. Marie, what you are doing is self-sacrificial love. Hugs to you.
I think that there is wisdom in at least having the knowledge and skill-set to do important things (survival cooking, paying bills) even if you don't love what you are doing. After my dad died, my 85 year old mother didn't know how to pump gas in her car. I had to show her (and show her again and again .... ) how to do it. She had a mental block that it was "too mechanical", even though she could dismantle her vacuum cleaner to perform minor repairs. I know that dad always pumped the gas because that was what men who loved their wives were "supposed" to do, but A. Marie is right in saying that we need to occasionally step out of our comfort zones to learn to perform a task.
And it works both ways. When our Mom passed away our Dad couldn’t cook himself so much as an egg. Cooking was what wives did. It was frustrating for my sisters and me since none of us lived nearby.
This is such an important post Kristen! With great points included by the FG community, as usual.
Oh, I agree! Basic minimal competency in a wide variety of areas is really important. Thus, my whole, "You don't need whiskers to do that." philosophy. Kudos to you for taking on all these unknowns right now.
(see here: https://www.thefrugalgirl.com/you-dont-need-whiskers-to-do-that/)
I'm just saying that expecting everyone's levels of competency and interest to match your passions is a recipe for frustration.
Good point!
Yup. That's why I deal with kitchen things and my husband deals with animal things. He would literally eat the same thing every day to save on the work of cooking and doing dishes if it were up to him. I would never have an animal if it were up to me (except maybe a dog). But he loves animals, so he does all the chores associated with them. And I love healthy, delicious food, so I do the work associated with that.
This is a good reminder not to get bitter about the things we choose. I could definitely make my life easier by not cooking so much, but I choose to do it because it's important to me. Forgetting about the choice aspect and feeling instead compelled to be doing something is a very fast track to dissatisfaction.
This reminds me of “where your treasure is, there is your heart” (or “there your heart will be also”). We want to be responsible for things we are interested in, and (sometimes) we become interested in things we are responsible for.
What wonderful advice! Individuals have different priorities, interests and habits. In marriage, it can be especially difficult if you were raised differently. I was raised by wonderful parents in an organized and structured home. My husband was raised in a loving but chaotic home. As a result, we often approach things much differently. There has been a lot of negotiation over the last 35 years. However, I have learned that the most important thing is to be helpful, respectful and supportive of one another. After all, when you love someone, you want them to be happy.
I remember one time hearing some sort of advice show on the radio where a woman complained and moaned and groaned about how her husband just could not fold the clothes the way she wanted them folded and how he didn't do anything the "right" way and he just sort of did it "good enough to get by." The advice was: do it yourself and shut up about it; accept his way of doing it is probably good enough or be a miserable old neurotic nag and have your husband resent you.
There might be context there - if he folded them so badly that they had to be ironed before they got worn, she might have reason to complain - that's creating work, not helping. Since she told him and others he did nothing right, though, she was probably being way too picky and controlling. I had a family member like that. Her method was to rule by an iron rod and make everyone do it her way. It was not fun for her family, and visitors were terrified of hanging the hand towel back up wrong after washing their hands.
That kind of control freak would make me purposely hang the hand towel back up wrong. I am a big believer in the "You are not the boss of me" school of thought and have no problem telling someone that.
Yeah, I know that's how I would react to it. I had a girlfriend who was very much in this camp (very heavy handed) and it was one of many reasons we never worked out.
An age old problem for sure, but hopefully, advice givers these days don't use such offensive language when describing a woman.
What? Is there dust behind the bathroom door? You are kidding me! 😀 😀
How true about this applying for most things in life though.
Agree! Through our own actions, we can encourage our loved ones to emulate zero waste (or any) behavior by making it easy for them to do so. I've also accepted that my husband will never ever load the dishwasher in the same (best) way that I do! 😉
Yes!
It`s a ``choose your battles`` concept.
I started to do this with my kids, about picking up their stuff laying around all over the house... I`m not a neat freak, but I don`t like chaos around me, and my kids tend to leave a trail of stuff behind them wherever they go! I nagged and nagged and got mad, etc, for them to pick-up their stuff. At 9 and 11, it`s still the same. So what is saving my sanity now is that I installed a```blue bin``` (rubbermaid storage containers) on each floor and when I see something on the floor (sofa, table, etc!), I dump it in the bin. When the bin is too full, I say once ``blue bin!``' and they know to put their stuff away. Am I not teaching them to pick-up after themselves? Maybe.... (I mean, they still do it, not all goes in the bin!). Am I saving my sanity and the relationships with them (being less nagging)? Absolutly!
You ARE teaching your kids to put things away! More importantly, you are teaching them that there are creative ways to address conflict and that no one way is the "right" way to get tasks done. I sometimes have found that leaving funny notes on top of, say, a pile of clothes that hasn't been put away, gets the job done and avoids that power tug-of-war that can happen. Something to the effect of "Help me! I'm getting wrinkles and I'm not even old yet!" makes my kids chuckle and shake their head at the insanity of their mom .... but then things get put into drawers and closets.
"Saving sanity and the relationships with them"--yes!
I've had to shift my thinking to focus on this. Instead of thinking how wasteful it is to eat out once a week while we do dinner in the park with friends, I've started acknowledging how much my husband loves the freedom to eat out that day and how we all enjoy the several hours hanging with friends who are as close (closer than, maybe) as family. Instead of getting annoyed that our house isn't perfectly clean (growing up mine was awfully close) I try to remember that it's more important for my kids to play hard and learn to clean up than to have a perfect home all the time.
I tend toward miserlyness (partly the necessity of my upbringing, partly disposition) and have to constantly remind myself: The end goal is not to save as much money as is humanly possible. The goal is to use the financial resources we have well to build relationships and be a blessing to those around us.
Completely agree. So many wives and mothers--it's almost always women--resent their spouses and children for not cleaning to their own standards. If people were more easygoing and accepting of differences, there's be much more peace at home.
For example, the people who re-stack the dishwasher. Who cares? As long as the stuff gets clean. People re-fold towels. Who cares? And then pantry selfies. Life's too short for pantry selfies.
What is hilarious to me is when people correct other people's dishwasher-loading on the internet. Like...you aren't even eating off of those dishes! It couldn't possibly affect you less.
The urge to correct other people runs deep in us humans, I guess.
My husband has family lore about relatives whose house guests who packed and left in a huff because of a disagreement about how silverware should go in the dishwasher. I'm sure there was more to it, but I chuckle at the thought that someone got offended because a fork was placed "tines up" or "tines down."
This is so funny from the outside, but goodness, imagine the stress if you had to host guests like that.
Imagine BEING guests like that. The horror!
I don't remember where I came up with this idea (probably wasn't original with me), but early in marriage I started mentally rating how irritated I was with my husband from 1 to 10. If it was a minor irritation (putting toilet paper on the hanger the "wrong" way) then I would rate it a 1 or 2. A bigger issue would rate as an 8, 9, or 10. If the rating was under 5, I would try to let it go. A super high rating meant that I needed to (kindly!) broach the topic with him (and, importantly, not to sweep it under the rug and let it fester). Somewhere in the middle? I would wait a day or two and then decide if it was important enough to address. This, for me, was super helpful in achieving "a time to speak and a time to be silent". And as Kristen said, maybe it's up to me to do the work of turning around the toilet paper!
That's a great idea, Kris! I need to practice some of that! I try so hard to only bring up certain things but I still get told there are too many rules. I'm going to try your rating system and see if that helps!
Brilliant!
Continuing on my FFT about laundry, I really care how clothes are laundered, and so I have happily taken over laundry in the family to prevent permanent stains, clothes that wear out prematurely or get shrunk. My husband really cares about food, so he has taken over most of the cooking.
There is of course a danger in this, because sometimes I would like to cook more or feel like my cooking is not up to par. Conversely, I need to let go of some laundry control and teach others how to do it.
My MIL was really picky in how things were done, and I felt sad how much it prevented her from being in the moment and enjoying things. Once on a rare visit, she decided it was more important to do the dishes on the spot instead of leaving on time to her granddaughter's preschool spring performance. It really taught me to try to always change one's priorities to catch those fleeting moments instead of being stuck to your own habits or passion items. Perhaps not related to this post, but I do see this tendency in many, not letting yourself rest and be in the moment until everything you care about is "done".
How sad for her, and how wise you are to choose not to do the same.
In similar circumstances, I found that the person was always worried about what "they" would think, or "they" would say, if "they" came for a spontaneous visit and found the dishes weren't done.
Even though "they" never came, and maybe couldn't even be identified as individuals. Just some vague "they".
I read a lovely passage directed in particular at families with small and active children, where the mother/parents didn't want to have visitors because the house was so messy. She felt the visitors would judge her poorly.
On the other hand, if you tell me not to come over because your house is messy, you have just said that I am judging You for not being able to do an almost impossible housecleaning task.
This is certainly true, and especially so for our older generation of parents! In my MIL's case, when she was visiting she would (not so subtly) direct her criticism at my housekeeping by doing tasks unprompted that she felt needed to be done or were not done well enough. For instance, she would open my linen closet and refold everything without asking. Eventually I came to accept that she indeed lived with a very harsh critic in her own mind, and accepted that during her visits the house would look impeccable. With her dementia, the silver lining is that she has lost this inner critic and is much more relaxed in herself.
Kristina, you must have really loved the television series "Everybody Loves Raymond" because Marie, the mother in law, was just like your described mother in law. She tortured Debra constantly. It was hilarious on TV, but, of course, not in real life.
Oh my, I need to see it! Funny how universal some of our experiences are.
My aunt taught me this lesson years ago. She came by rather unexpectedly, (she liked adventure) on a day that the house was a horrendous mess. We were in the midst of renovations in a very small house, I hadn't done the laundry or the breakfast dishes and it was nearly afternoon nap time for my littles.
I must have apologized a few times for the state of everything. She put her hand on my arm and said, "I came here to see you. I didn't come here to see your house."
Wonderful post, Kristen!
I noticed something similar about priorities when staying with extended family for a month so my son could receive medical care. Their grandchildren were in their early to mid twenties at the time without kids. My relatives worked their days around my walks with the kids and silly Target/grocery runs and such to spend time with us, even though we hardly knew them before our visit. When we left especially the wife of the pair was fairly emotional, and after arriving home I could imagine how empty the house must seem to her after having 3 kids (2, 3 and 4) running around for a month. It made me appreciate the handprints on windows and magnets everywhere, including the washer and dryer. That trip helped me slow down and enjoy the kids even when my work wasn't done. Sadly, I've lost that discipline. But here's to a fresh start right now.
I agree with all of this, and your whole post should basically be a NYT op-ed. So many issues I see/hear from friends and in the media falls into this bucket. I’ve even seen a divorce in one extreme case.
Your core tenet here is the pretty much the key to my happy marriage.
Great post, Kristen! I completely agree and would say communication is very important. When my marriage had begun to dissolve, we were in counseling (so we could dissolve the relationship without all the nasty stuff that goes along within a typical divorce), my husband brought up the fact that I would always mess up the cheese drawer in the fridge. My response was, "We have a cheese drawer in the fridge?"
This reminds me of a time many years ago when my children were small, and both my husband and I worked outside of the home. It was a Sunday evening and I was quite stressed as I was trying to prepare for the week ahead.
My husband was watching football. I said something to the affect, “How can you just sit there and do nothing. Can’t you see how much there is to do?”
He answered me, “Are there things that need to be done? What can I do to help?”
After that, I always made a list of what needed to be done. He always helped. Since he had grown up in a disorganized home, he really didn’t understand what needed to be done and when. This moment totally changed our household dynamic. We learned to meet in the middle.
Those of us on the low-waste/ no-waste wagon DO have to lead by example! I get creative with leftovers, use up the toothepaste, cut open the tube of my not cheap body lotion, etc. You do not want to waste food OR money!
I've pulled my husbands toothpaste tube out of the bathroom trash because I know there's several more days' worth of usage if you cut the tube open.
I don't nag my husband, he tries. I'm just thrilled to get "free" toothpaste!
Thanks for this post, Kristen, I really enjoyed reading it. My husband and I definitely have different cleaning standards, which has led to some arguments in the past. It’s helpful to realize that it’s okay to have different preferences, and that cleaning tasks may just have to be handled differently between the two of us.
My issue is like this. My husband is very frugal about some things: he hates food waste, he shops around, he opens credit cards to get $200 for free. The thing he is not so frugal about? Taking care of the house. We have beautiful hardwood floors that cannot be refinished (they have been refinished). I simply ask him to dry his feet really well after showering to not track water into the hallway and bedroom. He thinks I am crazy. I point out how other people's homes have dark marks on their floors (from water). So I'm all about taking good care of what you already own as part of being frugal. (Like cleaning the floors so they'll stay nice looking, by not having dirt and grime ground into them. Side note: we are both on board about never wearing shoes in the house, so there's that.) So you'll see me sneaking into the bedroom after his shower, drying the drips on the floor if there are any...
My husband and I use the same shower. When he is done, it looks like there has been a hurricane in the bathroom. Water everywhere. When I am done...the shower floor is wet, the rest of the bathroom is dry. It is super weird.
I am the one that cares the most on the state of our house on a daily basis and we all know that in our home. I will ask my son to pick up his room each day so it doesn't get out of control but I don't expect it to be up to my standard. A couple times a month I will tell him I need him to pick up to "Mama's level of clean" and I will help him out.
I need things tidy to relax so I take care of it.
This is so true, and so is what A. Marie says about learning things outside our own interests. I definitely am the "leader" on preventing food waste and saving money, and did not get equally enthusiastic assistance from my husband and kids. Still, I was willing to take most of the load, because it is important to me, and they did it too, just to a milder extent, because they knew that it was important to me.
My kids and my husband learned - on occasion - from my example and have become more interested in some of the things I'm passionate about. That's also vice-versa; while I'll never get excited about some of the things my husband used to like to do (mowing!), I can follow his example and do such things myself, now that he can't engage in most of his interests, and start to find some passion there myself. Mowing is still not interesting to me and I hired it out, but I've started finding handiwork around the house, which was always his thing, to be fun.
Respecting the differences is huge. Respecting someone's strong interest in a behavior and respecting someone else's lack of strong interest in the same behavior are equally important, as long as both are being honest, fair, and kind about it. Claiming it's just not one's thing, in order to duck out of helping at all, is not acceptable. Berating or belittling someone who sincerely tries is not acceptable, either.
I think Kristen's post captures this all quite well.
Kristen, when I read the email headline "Other people aren't going to care as much," I thought it was going to be about something completely different. How we beat ourselves up about our own perceived "flaws" that other people barely notice. That's something I struggle with, but I'm getting better with age.
This is a truly excellent post!!!!
As my two sisters and I are now dealing with our parents' possessions after Dad's passing, I find this very true. The bulk of the work is falling on the one sister who cares the most to re-home any items that might have any meaning to someone else.
We are in agreement that everything won't go in the dumpster. We will probably find an estate service of some kind at the end. Meanwhile, two of us are letting the third do as she wishes to share what she can.
I hadn't ever articulated this, though certainly recognized it right away as I read what Kristen wrote. Thank you!
Heidi Louise, your comment makes me so happy. I love to hear about family members giving each other the grace to grieve how they need to grieve, value (or not) family possessions the way they personally feel is important to them, etc., all without the family getting ripped apart when someone dies. Sounds like you and your sisters have a healthy respect for each other and what you're having to do.
This post is pretty impactful, Kristen -- beautiful job!
Thank you for writing, OregonGuest! As you noticed, the sister doing most of the detail work is working through her grief differently.
It is a sign of respect for our parents and how we were raised to act respectfully toward each other now.
Family dynamics are complex-- that underlies Kristen's whole post-- but that doesn't mean people can't act intentionally.
Heidi Louise, this is just beautiful. Your words made tears come to eyes. How very mature and lovely of you and your sister to show such kindness.
Thank you, Amanda-- but you're making me blush!
Great post. My hubby likes immaculate lawn and I like no spending g and low food waste. We make it work.
I've learned this lesson from my husband. He is the one who is always enhancing our lives by planning adventures, looking into new ideas, etc. He is also the one who is willing to spend the money on things - MANY times, it's paid off with quality household items that make our lives better. I don't usually nag him about spending the money. He's passionate about doing his research and having a good experience. I tend to get caught up in the practical side of things and make sure the house keeps running and enable the trips by doing the packing and the aftermath. I take care of the here and now, he takes care of the future plans. While I'm sure it must get old having to always be the one to plan trips and convince me that we "need" something, he doesn't complain about it. It took a while for me to not feel guilty about this, though...one of the beautiful parts about getting older - you start to accept yourself for who you are. Also, I've learned from his example and remind myself of this when I find myself feeling resentful about something I perceive him not doing.
It was good to "hear" this, this am. My husband and I are so different, and I see the same tendencies between my children. Differences are good.
We celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary this week, and I have come to realize that things that used to drive me up the wall in the early years simply no longer matter. Not that I've given up, but because we eventually meshed on our strengths. My husband is extremely tidy, but he does not clean. So I clean. He also can't cook, so I cook and he cleans up. He's fanatically about how the dishwasher is loaded, so he does it and puts the dishes away when they are clean. I consider this a wonderful bargain because I hate putting dishes away. He's particular about how the grass is cut but doesn't like to pull weeds, so I do. (Frankly, I enjoy pulling weeds. It's cathartic.)
He'll eat leftovers, but won't eat frozen leftovers, so that's where I come in, taking them for my work lunches. I have eaten some rather peculiar meals, but we don't have much food waste and I am a pretty cheerful omnivore, so it works out.
Happy Anniversary! Compromise is such a wonderful thing. The world needs more of it. 😉
Happy Anniversary! I always cooked & my husband cleaned up. He had “rules” re: the dishwasher that I didn’t follow-lol! He did outside work & car things (& earned the $) while I did the inside stuff. And I was Julie, the cruise director (from Love Boat) for kids’ activities, vacations, visits, etc. It worked for us. He died much too soon 3 yrs ago. Here’s to many more years together for you
"a lot of differences are not problematic extremes!" What a lovely thought that could change our polarized nation.
I love this post and agree with you completely! Have a great day
1 have to go back to neighbors to plant more lettuce radishes and onion. Heavy rains washed them out. 2. Hiring lady next door to help clean off porch...organize shed...asking man who parks in my driveway to lift old sofa off my porch to curb. 3. Making more lasagna with dollar tree noodles and veggies roasted before going bad and frozen. 4. Making lamp shade with thrifted wall paper and old shade frame. 5. Cloth remnants...at thrift store...nice enough to make summer skirts
I married later in life and I told the hubby that there are two things I hate to do. Make the bed and vacuum. So he does those things. He is a good cook and does a lot of nice things for our young kids and for me. He taught them to skate, swim and ski. He got them ice skating lessons. During winter there is an ice skating rink in one of the playgrounds of our apt complex. And generally does fun stuff. He took care of them when they were young because he worked from home two days a week. He is a huge help. I am older than he is and I have health issues that seen to multiply as I get older. My mother was gone 17 years before the age I am now. My dad passed 3 years ago. So I am blessed to still be around.
LOVE THIS.
In our household, this is how we divide pretty much all household chores - whoever cares the most keeps track and directs the work.
There is a significant amount of emotional effort involved in tracking household chores and assigning tasks out. I'm definitely going to ask people to help me in the kitchen - I'm not going to expect them to notice the dust behind the utensil crock the way I do.
My husband is much neater than I am. He's the one who notices when the floors need to be cleaned. Most of the time, he just takes care of it. Sometimes he asks for help.
I care about my flower beds. I care absolutely zip about the grass. As long as it's reasonably soft to walk on and not crazy-tall, I literally have zero opinions about dandelions or other weeds. My husband cares about having a nice lawn with a few (but not too many) weeds. He cares - he mows. He cares - he treats and fertilizes. He doesn't care whether my lilac bush is trimmed at the perfect time (right after it finishes blooming!) - I do, so I do it, or ask for his help if I can't do it myself.
This has meant almost no issues regarding household chores in our almost-14-year marriage. Yes, we occasionally get on each other's nerves, but in general, we take responsibility for the areas where we care the most, and it's worked out well. He's made me neater, and I've made him a little more relaxed about some constructive clutter (like the three boxes of IKEA furniture sitting in our living room that I'm slowly working on building in random free moments!).
Reminds me of the quote from The Lorax: “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better. It's not” except for in this case you could say “unless someone cares a whole awful lot it’s not going to get done, it’s just not!” But I think it’s true we as humans put effort into things we really care about and feel strongly about and it varies from person to person but we do need to try to be respectful of the other person and their passions. Growing up my mom always found composting gross but she enjoys the garden and would provide aid ( putting banana peels or egg peels, grape stems etc. in the bin) to my dad in his composting efforts since gardening and composting are some of the things he is passionate about.
I got married young and always struggled with how to make my husband understand that dishes in the sink overnight makes my skin itchy. I hated starting out the day feeling like I was already behind.
So finally instead of continuing to nag and beg for him to get it, I just spend sometime after dinner loading the dishwasher and running it while we played a game or watched a movie. Once the machine was done, I go back to the kitchen to put everything away.
It’s important to me to start the day with a clean kitchen. I know to make sure that happens I just need to take charge and make it happen. And since I’m the one loading and unloading the dishwasher I know it gets loaded the right way and I can find pots and pans when I need them. 🙂
Such an interesting topic! I am 10 years into my marriage and with a full life of 2 young children and a full time job, some of the “cracks” in my beliefs are beginning to show. I feel like I care so much about so many things: food waste, environmental impact, saving money, mindful purchases, eating real food (opposed to fast food) etc. So many of the things are interwoven with each other too. My husband cares significantly less about these things, so I often am left to do most of the cooking (so we eat at home, both money and waste saver and healthier), doing the dishes (he would use paper plates or eat out), laundry, cleaning and dealing with the paper that comes in. I also handle a lot of the little stuff like signing up for camp and that Friday is spirit day at school. These are things that are important to me, but my whole family benefits in many ways: healthier, happier, more money to spend on important things. So drawing the line between this is “my” thing and this is something we share can be hard. It is a struggle to remember why I am doing something sometimes! It’s for ME, not for anyone else!
Hi Kristen, I couldn't wait to read this post and see what perspective you were speaking from. As I got into the "meat" of your topic, I realized how familiar it was. You nailed it. I have witnessed and experienced it over and over and over. That is the way we are as individuals. The sooner we learn this lesson, the happier we will be about the situation. Interesting topic. Thank you for writing about it.
Really enjoyed this topic and the comments surrounding it. Another example of me learning a lot from different posters and the 'author'.
Yes, this rang true to me. Also - I am the same about the toothpaste tube - my husband gives up and wants a new tube of toothpaste but I can use the old one for 2 more weeks.
I bet there are a lot of us here who are the last toothpaste users!
put me in the Last Toothpaste camp, too. But we do use different brands...
I thought my husband was the only dish washer loading fanatic, but I see from other reader comments that he is not. My husband used to quietly rearrange my loading but finally just asked me to leave it to him because he was tired of surreptitious re-loading. As a result, I have not loaded or unloaded the dishwasher in decades. He also likes to vacuum, so I have not done that since, literally, 1983, when we married. I remind myself of those two facts when I am tempted to hound him about not finishing the toothpaste tube sufficiently for my tastes, or when he wastes (to my mind) money washing the car every week. We learned early on to "trade" things rather than argue. We finally got a microwave (which I had resisted for years, although now I cannot think why) because I complained that he let the water run while he brushed his teeth. One morning he offered to turn off the water if I would agree to having a microwave. Win/win!
Lindsey, we were also married in 1983 and the very first time I made coffee husband said there was something wrong with it. No problem, I replied, fix it yourself, and he has done for 37 1/2 years. 😀
My husband and I were talking recently and I found out that me taking off my socks and shoes after my run and leaving them wherever bothered him. I let him know that his leaving the gaming chair in the living room bothered me. We had both been mildly annoyed by those things for a while, but neither person thought it was a big enough deal to bring up. Now he puts away the chair and I put away my socks and shoes.
I totally use the old toothpaste tube while my husband uses a new one!
I’m very much a DO ALL THE THINGS NOW! person, whereas my husband is a “It will get done in the next few days” person. Thus, things with actual deadlines (like bills) fall to me, and while needed but not urgent things (say, sweeping cat hair) fall to him. We’ve traded cooking and cleaning throughout our marriage depending on who was home the most, with the tacit agreement that “Done” is far more more important than “Done *MY* way.” Are the dishes done? Great. Are they done whoever’s preferred way? Who cares—they’re still clean!
By the same note, he’s become neater (while no cleaning fanatic, clothes on the floor drive me batty), and I’ve become a better cook thanks to him and our trading back and forth.
Married young, we come from very similar backgrounds: 12 years catholic school,working class folks who had to be frugal. We have always (mostly) somehow been on the same page about all this stuff— money,cleaning, chores, etc. Our activities have divided up along some traditional “gender” roles because that’s what we both like to do.I hate car maintenance, and lo and behold,Ken is really good at it.I LOVE to cook, NOT waste food, and Ken supports my efforts completely. I am not the world’s best housekeeper, so Ken prefers to mop and clean our bathrooms (woo hoo!!) but I dust, do laundry, and clean my kitchen.He does do a lot of dishes too since I cook from scratch a LOT.
Yes, I believe whoever has the greatest urge does the initiation: I like to go out on adventures more,so I plan for them and Ken willingly,happily, comes along. He loves gardening so he spends the most time weeding,etc.
We both have a commitment to frugal ways and not wasting resources.
Overall,I think you nailed this one.
I am the more “extreme” of my husband and I. I’m the bread end eater, the Penny pincher, the neat freak.
My husband is a good sport about it, though I have to remind myself not to badger him about not being as extreme as I am!
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Regardless of the "frugal" topic, this entire article contains good advice and a great formula for a happy marriage and happy children.
Thank you for spelling it out.
I can totally relate with this post! As a child, my parents both worked full time so I learned at an early age (latchkey kid) to do all things in the household. I watched my younger brother, prepped dinner and homework. I would have LOVED my mom or dad being around more to cook together. So when I had kids, I decided they would have that. My kids joke a lot to my husband and me about my frugal ways of running the house but I know in my heart that they get it because I start to see them do the same things in their lives now that they are teens. My daughter has a fierce love of buying second hand and my sons are always thinking outside the box when it comes to saving and what really matters when they want something. This week was clean out the freezer and pantry and plans meals around that. I hope they see these money saving tricks and use them when they go off on their own.