Being frugal by choice rather than necessity is way more fun
In her book about organizing, Marie Kondo relates how even as a small child, she was anxious to keep her family's home tidy. Clearly, organizing and tidying are in her bones!
When I read that, I thought of how when I was younger, I would do things like pushing the last bit of a soap bar onto the top of a new one.
This was not at all motivated by necessity. My parents paid for all the soap, and they never seemed particularly pressed about the soap bill. (!)
But for whatever reason, even as a kid I hated to see things go to waste.
This natural bent served me well when I got married and left home. Neither of us had particularly high-paying jobs, so we lived in a one-bedroom basement apartment and were very careful with our spending.
Even with a small income, we managed to pay for some fairly major dental work, pay off my piano + two cars, and save up enough for a down payment on a house.
As it turns out, dual incomes with no kids can be fairly lucrative even if your salaries are low.
Once we started having babies, my income-earning went down, as I was no longer able to maintain the 50-student level of piano teaching.
The years between when I was having babies were probably some of the tightest in our marriage, and while we did manage to stay out of debt, it took a lot of effort to live within our means while squirreling away a little of our income for emergencies.
When Zoe was a baby, though, my husband got some certifications and was able to make the move from warehousing to IT. From that point on, our financial picture began to brighten, and we began to move more toward a frugal lifestyle by choice rather than necessity.
I don't think I will ever forget what it was like to live on a small income, though, and I am super grateful for my inborn frugality because it served me well during those years.
Anyway, now that I've experienced frugal living both by necessity and by choice, I can see some obvious differences between the two, and I far, far prefer living this way by choice.
Here are some of the advantages I see in my current situation.
Expenses aren't such a big deal.
While I still prefer it when things don't wear out, it's not the end of the world if someone needs new boots and we have to go buy a new pair. If something breaks, I know we can replace it.
Earnings (or lack thereof) are not such a big deal.
Self-employment income is always a little unpredictable, and on a tight budget, losing even $30 of income is a little nerve-wracking. Now that we have a larger cushion, it's much easier to weather the ups and downs of my income.
Small splurges don't have to be agonized over.
I probably will always be a person who considers choosing the $1.50 option instead of the $2 one, but it's nice to not HAVE to agonize over that sort of choice.
Having choices is more fun.
When you're doing something in order to survive, it doesn't feel like much of a choice. But when you are able to think, "Hey, I could spend more money on this, but I'm choosing not to.", that's a lovely thing.
Frugality to save is more fun than frugality to avoid debt.
When you have a low income, you end up putting forth a lot of effort just to avoid going into the red. But when your income goes up a bit, you are then in the happy position of putting forth effort so that you can put money in the bank.
Way more delightful!
We are able to be more generous.
Since we are still living a fairly frugal lifestyle even though we don't necessarily HAVE to, we have more income freed up to give to people who don't have as much. I'm also able to be more generous when gift-giving occasions come up.
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Have you experienced both kinds of frugal living? Do you agree with my list?
P.S. If you're currently in the have-to stage of frugality, all the sympathy in the world to you. It's a hard place to be, and when we were there, I couldn't imagine that it would ever end. But it did, and I hope things turn out that way for you too.
I wish I could say we've experienced both 🙂 Your last point is what I really miss. I often think of the perfect gift, but I can't afford it because it doesn't fit into my slim budget for gifts. I would love to help out those Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts or whatever group is selling something outside Sam's Club-- but if I did that every time I wanted to, my family wouldn't have decent shoes.
I do like to make frugality by necessity more fun by making it game-like in my own mind.
What a thoughtful and thought provoking post, Kristen! Our family has been blessed in that our financial situation has required strict frugality on a limited number of occasions throughout our 35+ years of marriage. I tend to think of frugality as more of a challenge - a game of sorts to see how much we can save - with the extra funds going toward whatever our current goal or priority might be. Whether by nature or nurture, I do believe that frugality is something that becomes ingrained in our character and, in our family, it's a well respected trait. Having to be frugal in the hard times does make it easier to save in the good times. As with any skill, usually the more you practice the better you get at it. Excellent post!
Our enforced frugality period was right when we got married (which is why my engagement ring is from Claire's at the mall 🙂 and during law school for my husband. We've had some periods here and there afterwards--due to the fact that my husband decided to be a sole practitioner, which means unpredictable and sometimes very delayed income--but we never went back to having only $25 in our bank account. One thing that I really like about having more cushion now is when his income is delayed, it's not such a crisis.
Also, I like being able to pay for convenience sometimes. We don't often do that, but it's nice to have the option. Like when we needed to have the riding mower serviced. My husband CAN do it, but it takes a lot of time and running out for parts and so on. Sending it to the mower place costs more, but removes a lot of stress.
I grew up poor and have always been budget and price conscious.
When he's hubby and I were two poor grad students, we had to be frugal by necessity. Now that both of us work full time, we still hold on to our frugal habits since they have served us well over the years.
Your post reminds me of something I read about a year ago. There is an Episcopal monastery in Cambridge, near where I live. They rewrote their Rule not that long ago, and in it they make a distinction between their voluntary vows of poverty and the poverty experienced by so many involuntarily. They regularly remind themselves to be humble and not proud about their choice, because it is a choice. I try to think about that when I think about and talk about my efforts at frugality. My grandmother had to be frugal in order to make sure everyone ate. I’m frugal (in part) so that we can go away on vacation once a year, and no one is going to go hungry if every once in awhile I fall off my frugal bandwagon. There is a big difference there.
We have a post on exactly this somewhere but I’m too lazy to dig it up. It also adds that it is easier to do a lot of frugal things when you have a big safety net because the risks you take are not that big a deal (ex. Buying in bulk won’t result in disaster if you get a bug infestation or the fridge breaks). One of our most popular posts talks about the tiny house movement in this context—lots of people live in small spaces because they have to.
Kristen, I agree.
My version of "saving soap" was collecting all the stray change at my first job. I worked at a McDonalds on the beach. In the Summer people often didn't want to bother with change (hello, bathing suits don't always have pockets!) so they would leave it on the table. Whenever I saw some sandy change, I's scoop it up, put it in a bag, and wash it off at home. Over the course of my 9 months working there, I amassed over $200; quite a bit of money for a 15-16 year old!
Like you, I always had the urge to save, not spend. My mom managed the money in our house growing up, and she literally worked miracles with my dad's modest salary. They owned a small business that saw its share of very lean times. Some weeks there just weren't any paycheck to bring home. Her ability to keep things afloat made an indelible impression on me. Strangely, my brother went in the exact opposite direction financially. He said he felt "deprived" growing up. He is a spender. He has said he doesn't understand why I "care" about little expenses now. I guess he just doesn't get it
We are kind of in a weird position in that we don't have to be frugal . . . . if we don't mind servicing our student loan debt for another 20 years!!!!! But to get out of it within another 5-6 years or so requires a lot of frugality.
We try to be very strict about ALWAYS putting our debt snowball toward our debts, but (unlike a few years ago when we HAD to be frugal to pay the minimums) we can use extra money for necessities or even fun things if we decide to do it.
I'm happy that it gives us more breathing space to be more generous without feeling anxious. But we live on a tight budget pretty abundantly thanks to our budgeting experience!
I've been in both situations, but most often in the situation of frugality by necessity, and no, it is not fun in that case. I kept a careful ledger for years of our account, and we sometimes had more bills than we had income, so I had to get creative. This was without having any debt some of that time, but if our electric bill went up by $50 due to the weather, then I suddenly had to find $50 more from a budget that normally had about $5 leftover after bills and groceries. There was a lot of anxiety and sometimes, despair.
We had about a decade in our marriage in which things finally eased up and we could start actually saving some money and putting money toward retirement, but then my husband could no longer work and we are back to being careful, although we have a little extra this time, thank heavens.
I was raised by Depression-era parents, by which I mean they got married in 1939, so they knew frugality, and they gave us some good examples on how to get by on very little. My mother had several health crises and medical bills ate up much of my dad's income, but they managed!
This is a good post, and thank you, Kristen, for being honest and admitting frugality is easier for some people because they know it's a choice, not a necessity.
Just found your blog, LOVE IT! Im from Sweden, and in the middle of by choice and having to bc single mom! I'm sooooo into being more frugal and i'm more than happy i found your blog! Thank you:)
I read this twitter stream recently about the difference between being poor and being broke which has threads of what you are talking about: https://twitter.com/ErynnBrook/status/996510342652968961
I've definitely been privileged in my life on many counts and continue to be. I try to be frugal where I can be so I can be generous to servers and friends and family. That is way more fun than the occasions when I've been broke (but never poor as distinguished in that twitter stream)!
Susan, thank you for linking to this Twitter thread. I am poor and can relate to so much of what people are saying there.
My retirement income is below poverty level but too high for government assistance. Yep I didn't know that was possible until it happened to me. I have always liked the challenge of being frugal each day but it's a lot more fun if it's my decision and not my bank balance.
I have been frugal all my life because I had to be and by nature. By making those decisions, and with some luck, we are finding we have a well cushioned retirement. Because of this we are able to travel and also make repairs as soon as they are needed. If dental work or new tires are called for, we can do it. It feels very, very good.
We are also quite generous now that we can be. We tip well, buy from every little kid who is hawking products for sports, school, scouts etc. On a monthly basis we support a child in India and a blind cat shelter, two separate things. Occasionally I read of someone in need in the newspaper and send a small check.
Neither my husband, nor I, ever made very much. Living below your means usually pays off in the end.
What a good way to distinguish this! Not everyone is able to slay their finances by becoming frugal; sometimes you have to be frugal just to make it.
When I was first out of college and on my own, I had to be frugal by choice. Even then, I was making much more than our city's poverty level and I was doing all right. Mr. Picky Pincher and I were dating at the time; lemme tell ya, we had plenty of $1.50 hot dog dates at Costco!
We have been both. Born during WW2, for the first years of our lives frugality was an absolute necessity and lifesaver. My book details all that. Later we both worked, so life was good, comparatively so, but we still practiced what we like to call Frugal but our daughter and several friends call, Cheap!
Then an accident that severely injured my wife, enough that she could not work, but disability was denied, even with 9 broken vertebrae as well as numerous other injuries. So we were down to one income to live on, and that somewhat restricted as Julia needed my constant care.
Now we are both retired. Well I still work part time and we can afford some luxuries, but we just cannot get away from Frugality!!! It is programmed into us. And I think it is a necessity for our world where waste is “normal”.
My 17 year old son is frugal by nature. He was just made that way (he certainly doesn't get that from me.) He is the team captain of the varsity cross country team. The new coach just informed him that the kids will be required to spend at least $400 on mandatory "spirit gear" plus another $300 on new training shoes and racing flats, another $400-500 on altitude training this summer & another $150+ for a running watch for new kids on the team. He is so angry that all of that money needs to be spent, especially when he is a Senior (and won't be wearing the spirit gear for more than one season.) He feels that buying new shoes every season is enough money spent & it will drive kids away from joining the team. Mostly, he is angry that we have to spent money on items that he feels are not necessary. Do you really need a backpack that says "high school name cross country"? How do I calm down this teen...he's really upset.
Don't calm him down! Help him stand up for his beliefs and look for creative ways to modify and achieve the goals.
Have him contact members of the team who have graduated this year...
Will they sell him items in good condition they no longer need.
I would refuse to pay that much and would say that to the coach. Even if we had the disposable income to spend on that, spirit wear is not one of our priorities.
Consider it part of his role as captain to stand up for the other kids and tell the coach/school that what they are suggesting is a waste of money. The coach's proposal is discriminatory and could lead to bullying or shaming of the kids that don't have a lot of money. Unless the coach is a horrible person and your son desperately needs to definitely be captain for scholarship or some such, then support him to use his privilege (as senior and captain) to stand up to the school. It will be worthwhile and is also a learning experience for him.
"I am super grateful for my inborn frugality because it served me well during those years."
Gosh this is such as good statement. I feel the exact same way. My parents and I had to be frugal. Now I'm married and we are doing well, we're still frugal because....well it's kind of fun!
Frugality comes naturally for my husband and I, and for the past few years our frugality has fortunately been a choice. Recently I quit my job since it was a very bad fit, so we are focusing in on frugal living. We have a safety net, so it is nothing like the early days of our relationship, but having these skills help give me the confidence to take this step.
My husband and I agreed to be frugal from the very beginning. We knew that someday we'd like to have kids and have the ability for me to stay home with them, so it was our goal to get used to living off one income from the start so it wouldn't be a huge chick when it was time to go down to one. We've never had cable, never eaten out much, kept a small grocery budget... Thankfully we've had times that were tight, but never to the point where we're down to our last dollars. But starting out being frugal by choice made it so much easier when we were frugal because we needed to be... Which was what we were hoping for from the beginning.
For many years my husband and I were students and had a small child to raise. We worked part time, odd shifts, student loans,you name it,to get ahead with our education..So I learned how to be happy and frugal and we had a great life early in our marriage. The years we lived in a mobile home at the edge of a corn field in Iowa were some of my BEST YEARS EVER!!!!! After we got our well paying jobs we paid off loans and bought a home, and we got a bit spendy. Yes,we became upwardly mobile for a while, but still lived beneath our means and saved. As time rolled by we began to tighten the budget again, as we saw an early retirement might be very cool!!!! And we DID! We retired at age 59. My husband has SINCE gone BACK to working part time, as he missed his career a lot.. but I stayed retired.We downsized our home, and we pay attention to our budget,all by choice AND necessity. We are now social security age. We have more wiggle room financially than I realize, most of the time, but my old FRUGAL HABITS have kicked in, for all the reasons you mention.I love being secure.Not worrying about a dental bill (although we get dental done in Mexico for WAYYYYY less than USA prices!!) and having enough to do a few splurges on lunches out and trips here and there. A FRUGAL mind set is a game, to me. And why WOULDN'T you want to save money on an expenditure? Why WOULDN"T YOU want to reduce food waste? It helps having some hobbies like LOVING TO COOK AT HOME and making greeting cards (paper crafts are pretty cheap hobby).Ken plays an old guitar he bought from our son, and gets lessons almost free online. I play cards with 3 ladies..we rotate whose house and make our own snacks..all frugal fun but I don't think of it as any sacrifice!! There are so many ways to have a RICH LIFE while being frugal and thrifty. Love your blog.
My husband and I are both very frugal, which makes budgeting and money decisions easy for us. My BIL & his wife on the other hand are both spenders. I think it's important that whichever side you fall on- spending or saving- you and your partner share similar views. It would be very difficult if one person was always splurging and the other was hesitant to spend.
I'm frugal with my tinfoil, which I can admit is odd! If I cover something while it bakes and the foil doesn't get dirty, I'll fold it and reuse it. Maybe a little excessive!
Ditto! I also reuse bread bags. I suppose it is a little much but it's how I'm wired
I do the same with foil. Even save foil on hamburgers out if its still clean. I reuse storage bags too, depending on cleanliness and what's been in them. Just rinse or lightly wash out. Use at home only, not for others when giving food gifts. Heavens!
I reuse my foil also (as long as it didn't touch meat). I also wash out and reuse my ziploc bags. However, only the gallon and quart size.....I draw the line at sandwich size. Lol.
I don't think it's odd. We always try to reuse foil, even if it came from the occasional take-out order. Also, we cut our paper napkins in half as we don't really need a whole one and I will leave it for another meal if it really didn't get dirty. (I would love to use cloth ones but my husband does laundry and gets very grumpy if I try to add in too many "extra" items. You have to pick your battles in marriage.)
Great write-up; reminded me of my younger days when the choice to not be "spendy" was very appealing. I had a small group of four friends (including me) who would talk finance more than the average girl gang in the late 90s. It was more about money, saving it in coins and not notes, and the currency exchange. But we also talked about one important stuff - to differentiate between need and desire when going shopping. The discussions we had then laid foundation to what we are (at least what I am) now. Saving up not because you have to but because you want to is a great feeling, definitely. And I totally agree with you.
Thankfully I take after my father, so my frugality comes naturally. It is an embedded habit and lifestyle.
However, I have experienced financial hardships that were out of my control courtesy of other people in my life. Humiliating, embarrassing, degrading are some of the adjectives that come to mind. Thank goodness I already had a frugal mindset or the effects would have been even worse.
So very much more enjoyable to be frugal by choice, not necessity. The financial struggles that were caused by a family member gave me a genuine empathy for those who struggle through no fault of their own. My heart goes out to them as it is a terrible way to live.
I think you have a lot of wisdom and what you say is true. Within the frugality camp, there are all sorts of people and reasons for being there and this is not often acknowledged. I really appreciated the thoughtfulness of your words!
I grew up poor and it was always just expected that we weren't going to have certain things. We were never going to Chuck E. Cheese (let alone Disney World) and we never had video games until people started selling them off at garage sales for a few dollars.
So when I got older I got a decent job and really beat myself up over buying anything fun. It was definitely an adjustment.
Now I'm at more of a good place. I mean, tomorrow I get to put half down on a couple of garage doors + openers. Whee! But we have the money and I can write a check for the full amount without even flinching so I guess I'm doing okay now.
I still buy store brand cereal and deny myself a lot of fancy things.
When I was a young married, I learned to save, can our food, live more or less off the land. Not too much longer, I worked hard and lived from "paycheck to Tuesday" as a single mother. Over the years things improved, but I still saved, canned our food, and pinched a penny till it screamed. I've lived comfortably for the past 15 years, and my husband will be retiring this summer. In a lot of ways that terrifies me. I'll be working hard to be frugal on a fixed income - but not fixed prices!
I can so relate to the deciding to choose the $1.50 option instead of the $2.00 option. I think I'll always be like that. I always look and compare prices, use coupons, and search for the best deal although I really don't have to. I just feel like I can always use those savings for something else! We went from being a two-salary family to a one salary family when daycare became too expensive with four kids. After that my husband also began moving up in the company, and now makes over 3 times what we made combined. It's very nice to not have to worry about emergencies and splurges, but I know I always will be frugal. No matter how much our income is, I always think it's best to not waste or spend too extravagantly.
I love this post. My first few years out of college were extremely lean. I had chosen the oh, so lucrative field of folk music, and had to survive on about $8K/year. Granted it was the early '90s and it was just me, but still... So, while I'd always been frugal, that experience taught me how to take it to a whole different level. Just buying food was a challenge - so I relied on a program run by Catholic charities called SHARE. For $10 and 2 hours of community service you got a whole big bag of groceries - which provided much of my food each month, and is how I learned to cook with what's on hand rather than from recipes. I also got good at using those monster zucchinis that people at the music school would bring in to get rid of! As my situation changed, I tried to keep my spending on a similar level - though not quite as extreme as it was in those days. Those habits served me well. Now I'm over 50 and basically financially independent... as long as I stay frugal anyway! 🙂
We grew up frugal as my parents had only one small income while my mom finished getting her PhD. Then things got a bit easier but they stuck to most of their frugal ways so we could have money for emergencies and they could save for retirement. I didn't always practice frugality when I moved out but as I've gotten older I've realized the benefits and became less and less influenced by the consumerist mentality. Now it's paying off as we have a solid emergency fund and we are going to be okay even though my husband just lost the part time job that was supplementing his recently dwindling freelance income. We are determined to modify our lifestyle even more so we don't have to go into debt until he's working steady again. I am trying to look at each change as a positive challenge that will help us towards our goals. We have friends in a similar situation and we are exchanging ideas and supporting each other emotionally, that really helps.
I've been close to broke by choice[1] but never poor. And even as young as I was then, I knew that I had advantages that I could not leave behind. Finally, I had the privilege of knowing that if things went really pear-shaped, my family would take care of me. IOW, my experience of living on very little money was thoroughly different than most people's because I never was without a safety net. I live below my means because I prefer to, but my life is still pretty comfortable.
Frugality becomes a habit, you know? There are things I could buy if I wanted to but the habit of not doing so is too strong. For example, I travel a lot but never order room service - I buy something from a store instead.
OTOH, I really like being able to gave a buck to every bum who asks.
[1] During a gap year, I decided to start with a few hundred and live only on what I earned then, and not use any of my savings past the initial amount. During my leanest month I spent $630, the luxurious month was about $850. I ate dinner out three times that year. I still have my account books for that year (and many years thereafter); reviewing them is like rereading a diary.
[2] An advantage is beneficial you've worked for, such as knowing how to behave in an office. A privilege is something beneficial that you didn't work for, such as having the opportunity to learn, early on, how to behave in an office.
So true about having a safety net. I know that there are lots of people who would help us if we got into really desperate straits, and that's a privilege.
I have had to be frugal as a single mom by choice. My daughters I adopted them from China as infants 4 years apart and they are now 10&14. I have been a nurse for 24yrs. You would think with all my years in my career I would be making good money. I took a job of a lifetime 6 weeks ago and started 4 weeks ago. Amazing pay and benefits. I ended up leaving at the end of the third week for many reasons that this job would not work out long term. I am currently job less at 46 and looking for work. Since I will not do floor nursing anymore I am looking for something more ambulatory. I am grateful for my emergency fund and also some small help from family,but you could have never told me that I would be at this point today in my life. So being frugal will always be a necessary and I get really tired of living paycheck to paycheck. It would be nice to take a vacation and not have to worry all the time.
I have so been on both sides of this issue. Interestly enough, to me, it doesn't feel so differently as I am frugal by nature and hate wasting money, so doing things the way I have always done them just feels normal to me. What I have noticed more is that when you are frugal because you have to be, people ask your advice more, or perhaps respect your opinion more; when you are doing well but continue to make frugal choices, people see you as cheap. This is a bit frustrating as I believe the former causes the latter...
Frugality to save is more fun than frugality to avoid debt. - this especially has resonated with me. I'm currently in the situation where everything I trim goes towards debt payment. It kinda feels like there's no end in sight for that, but one day I hope to be able to be frugal to save.