Ask the Readers | Tips for starting over
Last week, when I wrote about why I am decorating my rental even though it's temporary, Reese, who has been through a divorce herself, left this comment:
Would it be worthwhile to have people submit helpful frugal tips from folks who have had to essentially start over? And maybe they could share how they have found happiness and how they started putting pieces back together?
I think this is a great idea! As I have shared about my current situation, I've gotten lots of comments and emails from readers who fall into two groups:
- people currently walking through separation and divorce
- people who have been through it and are offering cheer from the other side
So, since those two groups of people are represented here, I think this could work very nicely.
I am obviously not an expert here because I am smack-dab in the middle of this and I am not really near to coming out the other side! I'm still figuring it out as I go.
I'll briefly share what is helping me at the moment, though, and then I'd love for you guys to chime in.
Reese is basically dividing this into two questions, one about saving money, and the other about finding joy.
Saving Money
For me, this has looked like doubling down and using all the frugal skills I've already got.
I'm trying to:
- use up my food
- shop at Aldi
- cook at home
- repair/reuse things
Starting over for me has meant outfitting a home somewhat from scratch, and as I talk to other women in my shoes, it seems to me that this is extremely common. Almost every woman I have talked to has had to be the one to leave the family home.
And while we can debate why that is (or whether it is fair!), the fact of the matter is that it's the state of things.
And as you know from reading my posts, I have been busy outfitting my house with inexpensive/free things through Facebook Marketplace, eBay, and my Buy Nothing group. So we can add, "rehabbing freebies/cheapies" to my list.
Looking at this as a fun challenge has helped me to maintain motivation; I think, "Ok, how can I save tons of money, but still make this home feel awesome?"
(Why awesome? Because it is fairly easy to outfit a home and make it functional but ugly. I'm interested in making my home functional and beautiful on a budget.)
Finding joy
You guys already know most of my tips for finding joy because I write about them incessantly.
So, I'll just put one thing in this section: I find it helpful to focus on the present moment and also the future.
Relatedly, I do not find it particularly helpful to dwell in the past.
When I think about the present and the future, I feel hopeful! My future looks bright and cheerful, and full of good things.
When I look back, I see loss and hurt and heartbreak. I know it's necessary to process those things in a healthy way (and believe me, I do cry over those things when the sad feelings come up.).
I'm just saying that if I spent the majority of my time dwelling there, I would have a hard time having energy to move forward.
I can't change the past, but I can make choices in the future, so I'd rather focus my energies toward what I can control vs. what I can't.
__________________
I'm always amazed at how few people will step out of their comfort zone for a better quality of life at a price they can afford. "I've always lived here, it's the only thing I know" doesn't really work when you are broke. With the internet you can google jobs and homes and find something doable. With the internet you can zoom, FaceTime, or whatever to keep in touch with friends and family. And there are good people and beautiful places all over this country, many at much more affordable prices.
@Tiana, it can be hard to get up and leave if there are children involved. Many states have custody laws where you can't just up and take your children a certain number of miles from the other parent if it's not agreed on...
The new state I moved to assumed custodial privileges and my lawyer argued the right for my children to stay there with me.
People need to stay close to family, a lot of the time, and zoom etc is not the same. Or they need to stay close to friends, or where they have job prospects etc, or they're ill and they know and trust their doctors, or they can't drive and need public transport.
It simply is just not that easy to pick up and start again all over somewhere else. I've done it but I would not discount the need for many people to stay close to where and what they know.
@Tiana, I only have a small handful of family left. Basically my parents, my grandma and some siblings (one one of whom has children.)
I may move later in life after my parents have passed but I'm staying put now.
@Tiana, A few touchpoints: 1) if there are underage kids, one can't just relocate, decree most likely will dictate this 2) not all, myself included, are stay at home parents when the divorce happens. While yes, there is a financial hit with most divorces, if you are in a career, plan and live carefully, you can actually come out ahead in the end. I walked away with $2500 in my bank account, awaiting receipt of the final payout for my half of the house, minus all of the attorney's fees. Fast forward, 5 years later, I achieved my 5 year plan, bought a home with 20% down, had a nice remodel fund in expensive CT. Can I now relocate to a cheaper area? sure, but my kids are here, my extended family is one state away. Not viable.
My disastrous first marriage, oh my. My then spouse and I were renting, and he secretly moved back to live with his parents while I was at work. Our landlady had left the utilities in her name - she would pay our bill then give us the bills to repay her when she thought about it. When he left, he wiped out our accounts (I had no idea he was doing this until it was done), when we had just been handed five months of utility bills and had just had the big propane tank filled and received the bill for that. He left them for me to pay. He took all of our wedding gifts we didn't have room for in the rental, as they were stored at his parents' place, so I had nothing I could sell to get extra cash. I was working 32 hours a week at a local place for a nickle over minimum wage. He worked for his dad and had his dad cut his written paycheck to just under the amount of my pay and pay him the rest in cash under the table, so I couldn't ask for any support.
I learned to cut every unnecessary expense. I ran a budget and discovered I had $10 a week for groceries, dog food, laundry and bath supplies. This was in the 70's, but it was still unbelievably tight. I drank only water, homemade tea, and a half cup of milk each morning. Breakfast was always oatmeal with a dab of milk. I had a peanut butter sandwich and an apple for lunch every day. I always bought the bagged apples, as they were cheapest per pound. I figured best price on every single thing I bought. I bought one whole chicken and two bags of frozen vegetables a week, cut up the chicken, and ate one piece a day for dinner, with a large-ish serving of vegetables on the side. I froze my bread to keep it from getting moldy, so it would last me two weeks. I never, ever, ate out. He took the TV, so cable wasn't even an issue. I read the newspaper that was delivered to my work and left in the breakroom for employees to read on break. I used the library and books I already owned for entertainment. I repaired my existing clothes and bought almost no more, and then only on final clearance. I hand made every gift I gave. I found the Goodwill store and used it as much as possible for needs only. I found a good, nearing-retirement cobbler who fixed my shoes for a couple of dollars when needed. My landlady allowed me to cut my rent $40 a month when I asked, and let me pay back the bills over a few months. Eventually all those bills were paid.
I realized that false pride and stubbornness are not helpful. I learned to ask my family and friends for help - not for money, but in other ways. I let them know I would accept things being given away by them or by friends of theirs, that I would appreciate being invited to spend holidays with them, that I would love more talks on the phone, letters, and visits to their homes (none of my family lived near me). They came through and it was great help. My dog, while a small expense, was invaluable in keeping me cheerful and providing company. My faith helped me to keep going and keep my sanity, and I found a good church and started attending regularly again.
My main takeaways are that for a period at least, one can live on an extremely tight budget, but I also learned that struggling to do it all by oneself is counterproductive. Reach out - let good friends and family help - many of them want to help, in so many ways that don't have to involve money. Get really creative. Learn what you can do without and what you can't. Create a new life plan, decide your goals, and look to the future.
@JD, I just want to commend your budget discipline during that difficult time. I know it must not have been an easy but what a great story of determination to overcome adversity!
@JD, wow, what a first-marriage story! All praise to you for hanging tough and doing as well as you did!
I used to eat on $10 a week in the 80s. A bag of soft vegetables, some ham hocks, some yeast and flour and a bag of beans and that was what I ate all week. Bean soup with homemade bread. If I managed to save a bit I bought a can of instant coffee.
@JD,
Wow! You are so strong and resilient. Good point to let those around you help - so many people really do want to help, even if it's a phone call, a meal sent over or shared, etc.
@JD, a guy my husband worked with had a similar experience, he went home from work one day to find nothing but a bed and his clothes. I don't care how angry you are with someone, that kind of behavior is cruel. Glad you were able to recover and thrive!
Thanks all - I really had little choice to do anything else, though. I'm not a superhero - I cried lots and had periods of self-pity, but the ex made me so mad at how he treated me, I was determined I was going to pull through. I couldn't have held out like that forever, but for about two years, I managed to stick to it and get caught up so I could truly start fresh. Around that time, I started dating my current husband, and when he realized how lean I was living, he started buying groceries for me using the excuse that he liked to come over and eat with me at my place in the evenings, so it was only fair that he "pitch in." He was fresh out of the service and working only part time himself, but he has always been very generous. It's one of his best traits.
Aww, I love this story.
@JD, I'm glad to hear this story about your current DH--who sounds like my DH. As I was visiting my DH in the nursing home yesterday, one of the aides came up to us (I was feeding DH a cut-up apple as usual) and asked, "Was he always this nice and gentle?" I replied (as well as I could with a mist forming over my bifocals), "Yes, he was, In fact, that's why I married him."
@A. Marie, your story touched my heart, I too married a gentle man. Sometimes he gets upset that he gets pushed around at work as he is too nice but I always remind him I love because he is kind and if he was a big tough guy I won’t have been interested. I think it’s also blessed me with kind children too. I hope your DH is keeping well.
@A. Marie,
Okay, now you're making me mist up.....when I started reading Kristen's blog, the two of you were still pursuing a diagnosis, though I think you were close to finding out. You have always shown such grace and humor when you comment, though I know there have likely been many other emotions that you keep private (which I totally understand). Peace to you and your Gentle Giant.
@Liz B. and @Effie, thanks to you both. See my fuller comment below on some aspects of being an "Alzheimer's widow."
@JD, Given what I used to do for a living, little shocks me, but your story of what your ex put you through left me speechless. You recovered a lot better than I think I would have. What resilence! And I have found your experience of letting people know when you need help to be true---and sometimes the unlikeliest folks come to your aid.
@A. Marie, Oh, A. Marie...and how wonderful that his sweetness has not been stolen by his disease.
@A. Marie,
Everything you say about your DH makes me admire him more!
@JD, I know I don't need to say this, but I'm going to say it anyway, you are so lucky to be rid of that selfish jerk. There, I said it.
JD, you are incredibly strong! Loved your story.
@JD, and that right there is what the definition of perseverance is! Way to be a great human 🙂
@A. Marie, Oh my. That made me tear up too.
@JD,
Wow. What an amazing story. It's hard to believe how deliberately selfish and scheming and cruel some people can be! That situation showed what he was made of, and the way you dealt with it showed that you are made of much finer and sterner stuff!
@JD, Wow, you're wonderful!!!! And good for you. I'm sure these measures have helped you in the rest of your life, as well.
What we learn during hard times can help keep us going when more hard times come. (Or helping us stretch and save during the good times.)
I’m offering cheer form the other side!
My ex moved out of our house five years ago. I was the stay at home mom of a kindergartener so it made sense for me to stay in the house. In a strange way it felt like everything changed and yet nothing changed at all. My ex was frequently traveling for business so depending on myself was nothing new and coming to that realization (through lots of therapy) was incredibly helpful. I cannot share enough how helpful therapy was for me and how it has helped me come out of this happier than I’ve ever been.
I leaned heavily on my friends and family: My former college roommate helped me in my job search to go from less than part time work to a full time job; my cousin became my morning babysitter to get my son on the bus; my neighbors helped with all the home tasks that I just couldn’t handle on my own; my parents eventually moved in with me (they were moving to my metro area to be closer to family, they stayed with me until they bought their house); I continued childcare swapping and carpooling with friends because no matter where you are in life childcare is always needed!
Since I stayed in the house, I didn’t have to start 100% from scratch but I did get to create a home that made me HAPPY. The day my ex moved out I painted the master bedroom pink. Saving money became more important to me than ever. I had an income again but I continued my frugal ways so that I could put as much in savings as humanly possible.
I am now happily married, my son is thriving, I have a good relationship with my ex, I love my career, I’ve been able to support my friends that are traveling down a similar path, and my savings/retirement fund is looking healthy. The journey to where I am now was long and tough but I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I was happy.
@Geneva, I bought a rug my ex hated as soon as he moved out! It was the first thing he commented on when he came back for some stuff.
@Geneva, I Love that you painted your bedroom pink!
What a great topic! One of the actions I took (and it was a shift in mindset as well) was to reconnect with activities, people and other things that were important to me that perhaps had taken a backseat during the marriage. Things like: hobbies I had given up, friendships that had languished (because the spouse didn't like them as much), foods that I liked (but they didn't)--you know, reconnecting with my older self. Not that compromise isn't important in a relationship--because it is!--but this set of activities re-grounded me in who I was. And when the next (better : ) relationship came around, I found a way to better integrate those elements of myself into my life. I feel like I held on to more of who I was this time. (This could also be a result of being in my 20s the first time around vs. in my 40s as well...live and learn!)
My ex left in 2013 and I don't think I'm on the other side. I don't know if I will ever be happy the way I used to be again, but that may be more a product of bad health/no money more than anything else.
What helps: puppies and kittens (new babies). My older pets. Pride in my children. A lot of stupid family in jokes. Comfort reading. Plenty of time in nature. Talking to old and new friends. Realizing that many of my friends have never met my ex and couldn't care less about him. Writing. Writing funny stories.
Frugality: try to keep as much stuff of your own as you can. My ex left with some books, some photos and his clothes. He left behind the college T shirt he bought the first weekend he visited me at my college (we met in college). I felt stabbed in the heart by that. But it meant that I could keep what I wanted. The problem is that I've been paying for a storage unit for years now and need to downsize that stuff, too. A storage unit isn't frugal but I couldn't bear to give up many of the things in it.
More about money: HIRE THE BEST LAWYER YOU CAN AFFORD. Borrow money if you have to. Do NOT do mediation. This is probably the biggest financial transaction of your life and you need to have an expert on your side, one who will look out for your interests.
DO NOT BE NICE. The time for niceness is over. Be fair to your ex if you have to be*, but not nice. Put yourself and your children first.
*if you don't have to, such as if he gets a cheap and crummy lawyer, like my ex, don't be. I got way more than he did because his lawyer was incompetent. And you know, I don't care a bit. Too bad, so sad.
@Rose, I totally agree about hiring the best attorney you can find. I had to borrow money from my folks for the attorney's retainer, but the money spent has paid off a thousand-fold. I was a housewife and mom, divorced in 1993; I retired in 2003 and will receive a generous portion of his pension until the day I die. He canceled the kids' health insurance, I got child support for one of my sons until he finished college. Worth the struggle, although as I look back, I don't think I could do it again!
@Rose,
Yes, absolutely do hire the best divorce lawyer money can buy. My late brother trusted his ex-wife. "She said we will split everything 50:50". I told him to trust no one in a divorce and offered to give him money to hire a good lawyer. He did not. But his ex did. She forced the sale of the house and took 70% of the joint assets while protecting her own! My brother had to move in with my sister - who was living in our late parents' home. He was devastated, confused, deeply depressed, had a massive stroke and died at age 63 a few weeks ago. His ex is enjoying spending their money. Mercifully not all divorces are like this, but again, trust no one.
@Rose, I completely agree about the 'do not be nice' part!! That doesn't mean you have to be mean, but this is the one time you absolutely have to put yourself first!
Yep. My ex shouldn't have trusted me when I said I wanted to be fair and split everything. But then again, I was always honest with him while he had affairs and lied to me. Sucks to be lied to, huh, Ex?
@MEM, and @Rose,
Yes, most definitely. My best friend is going through a divorce, and she fired her first lawyer because he was terrible. Her current lawyer seems much better, though she is still concerned that her soon-to-be-ex will hire some "hot shot, guns blazing" lawyer that will cheat her and their kids out of what they need. Soon-to-be-ex has shown he cannot be trusted, sadly she has already learned that lesson.
@MEM, I'd say his situation is more common than most. The courts are heavily skewed against men in marriages plus women tend to be more aggressive in terms of trying to ruin their ex's life than men are.
(and yes, not every woman, not every man, not every time etc.)
@Rose, I agree about the attorney! Too many women beat themselves up when a marriage ends, that they feel sorry or like it is all their fault , so they end up being WAY too apologetic or nice during the divorce phase. If you live in a 50-50 state, INSIST on 50-50 of the house, the car, the house contents (which can be significant). Especially for your kids and your retirement, insist on half of the savings and 401K also. And back to the house contents? Make a list (of maybe if you already have one for insurance?) The furniture and dishes, linens, tools, sewing machine, books, lamps, media, ALL add up. An average 3-4 bedroom house would more likely cost $150,000 to refill with all of the household items and personal effects! Don't be too nice--
At the congregation I previously attended I facilitated a divorce recovery group called DivorceCare. I would highly recommend this 13 week program. You do not have to be divorced to attend - when separated you are going through all the topics that are covered.
Kristen mentioned hearing from people in a similar spot as her as well as from people that have come through to the other side (whether that be divorce or reconciliation) and a typical DC group will work the same way. Some people in there will be at a different phase than you are and either they can encourage you or you can encourage them.
One thing I can offer personally is that I know parents going through separation or divorce worry a lot about their children (and rightly so) . There is a lot of info out there about the terrible effects on children. Please remember though that it doesn't have to be all bad. Keep the lines of communication open. My son came through it with good grades, no drugs/alcohol issues, a good college experience, and his first career was as a youth minister helping other teens. Both parents and children can grow from the experience.
@Cindy, I can resonate with some points you made as a child who has lived through several divorces (of my parents, not me personally). I won't say it hasn't affected me, but children who live through separation or divorce are not destined to struggle or fail in the long haul. There is always hope.
@Cindy, My sister and I also are children of divorce and we have both done well in life and able to maintain trusting relationships. I would say though, that the financial difficulties after my parents' divorce colored the way I approach my career. It's always been very very important to me to maintain independence and to have my own means of making money that would be sufficient to support our family if he was out of the picture.
@Cindy, I agree that Divorce Care is a wonderful resource. I went through it three times before I felt better. Their explanations of forgiveness and boundaries finally got through to me. Forgiveness does not mean no boundaries.
More cheer from the other side. I thought my life was over when my ex left me for a "younger model" at age 35 with a 3 year old and a 5 year old. My life now is better than I ever could have imagined in my wildest dreams back then. At the time of my divorce, we lived in a townhouse. I looked longingly at a neighborhood of nice, but not over-the-top single-family homes and wondered if I would ever be able to afford one. I ultimately ended up in a beautiful neighborhood that I love, and in a nicer-looking house. In addition, I remarried very happily, got more confidence in myself, did well at work, and have gotten to travel a fair amount. Therapy during the time of my separation really helped. As Geneva recommended, don't be afraid to lean on family and friends even if it's just asking if they'd be available to run out for a cup of coffee. You need kindred spirits right now-they will feed your soul. In terms of frugality, things are different now. While coupons are not the bonanza that they used to be, they still come in handy-as do apps such as Fetch and Ibotta. The Thrillist website has listings about food deals at different chain restaurants-for example, today there is a whole writeup about the deals available for National Hot Dog Day. For a little extra cash, use some of the online survey apps. I know that this may be somewhat controversial in terms of sharing information about yourself, but I have never had an issue. They usually ask your opinion about new products. I use Survey Monkey (pays in Amazon gift cards), Perksy (pays in other types of gift cards) and Pulse. The surveys take 5 minutes or less and the little bits of cash add up. I also do academic surveys on a website called Prolific-I believe that there is currently a waiting list to join, but the surveys are interesting and non-intrusive. Once you have your nursing license, there are online surveys for medical professionals which you can do that pay well. Finally, check out your local library or county/state park system for free things to do in your area. There are often free movies and concerts at this time of year, as well as other activities. Our county system runs free hiking programs, and I've actually made a couple of new friends through going on the weekly hikes.
Yes, cheering from the other side is an apt description.
Money-wise, the best I can offer is to know your legal rights. The issues can be complex and most people benefit from legal representation. Do ensure your lawyer comes with trusted references and is focused on finding the solution that is right for you. Also, give yourself a huge pat on the back for tenaciously pursuing your career goals. The importance of economic self-sufficiency for women cannot be overstated.
Emotionally, I had a lot of (misplaced) guilt and it was so hard to think clearly in those days (I left a successful, arrogant, and chronically angry man - no infidelity involved). The biggest thing that helped me move forward was reaching out to family and friends for emotional support. I am not the reaching out type but getting this support was very affirming and necessary under the circumstances.
I wish you all the luck in moving through this time of your life. Your approach leads me to suspect you will find much happiness “on the other side”.
I guess if I had to give advice on this it would be:
1. Rally your people around you. You need help and emotional support. There will be some people who you thought were in your corner who turn out to really not be and you just have to cut your losses with them. Feel sad over the (additional) loss of them, but focus on strengthening the relationships with the people who do stick by you.
2. Do something for yourself. It could be buying yourself something if you have the money, or it could be just a special thing you let yourself do like paint your nails or take a daily walk or go see a movie that your ex would have hated. Or paint a wall or make yourself some cookies or organize a closet or whatever. Something that is just for you. Something that makes you happy. And it's usually best if it's something small so that it doesn't come with a lot of expectations.
3. Just wait. It won't always feel like this. If you feel good, enjoy it. If you're feeling bad, wait it out. This too shall pass. All feelings are temporary and recognizing that in the moment can help them to feel less overwhelming.
Other than that, I don't have much other than to acknowledge that this is hard, but you can do hard things.
The divorce was my parents and we did stay in the house. However, my dad took many things that were his and theirs. Between suddenly not having everything and needing to work through a change of employment. My mom was a lab tech and had stopped working 8 years before this.
First: She did was moved on knowing that there was no reason to argue with him to get some of the things back. She put the word out to family and friends looking for replacements for the tools. He left during a living room refresh and she wanted to get it done. She prioritized the items that needed replaced, and realized some of the things didn't need replaced. It was a rough few years, no cable, turning off all available electric and a couple cold winters. I knew my mom was resilient before this but after she was a creative homemaker supermom. She replaced our sofa with a new one we found on the side of the road. It was in better condition then ours, she borrowed a rug scrubber and cleaned it. She used a broken Dutch oven for months and asked my grandpa for a new one for her birthday. She broke the slider on her bra and measured where it should be and sewed it permanently. We went and gleaned a couple farmers fields for onions, potatoes and tomatoes. She then canned the tomatoes. She took anything offered to her even when she couldn't use it. Then she found someone who could and gave it to them. Our car broke down and she had given a lady clothes for her daughters and that lady's husband was a mechanic and he fixed the car. She says without her families love and her community she would not have made it.
Second: She took care of her mental health. She grieved her marriage. She found a support group. She cried. She took some time for herself. When they first split, he would visit for the weekend at our house. She went to a motel once and stayed with a friend a couple of times before he got his own place. She made it seem completely normal even though it wasn't. She found herself again, things she gave up because my dad didn't like them.
Third: She went back to school and renewed her education and then got a good job. In the mean time she worked a part time job and cleaned houses. She corrected financial mistakes that happened during their marriage.
This was over 40 years ago and some of the information came to me after I was an adult. I can also tell you that their relationship was a better one after the split and my mother grieved with our family after my dad's death.
@Amy,
What a great thing you mother did, making it possible for you and your siblings to spend the weekend with your dad before he had a place of his own. Truly generous!
I haven't gone through a divorce myself, but I want to echo the advice to get a good attorney. Years ago, one of my very good friends went through a nasty divorce. I worked in the court system at the time and asked a prosecutor I respected for a recommendation for a divorce attorney for her. She used the attorney that was recommended, and while they weren't cheap it was more than worth it. She got more in child support than she had even considered asking for and got a lot more out of the house and assets than she thought she would. If you have someone in the legal field you can ask for a recommendation, ask them. If not, consider asking a domestic violence shelter or advocacy group for a recommendation. If there's truly on one you can ask, research local attorneys; look at their practice areas, look to see if they've ever had a bar complaint, see what volunteer organizations they mention in any on-line bios, etc. I know everyone loves to hate lawyers, but a good can make a huge difference.
I'm chiming in even though my experience, as an "Alzheimer's widow," is different in many ways from either divorce/separation or actual widowhood. My darling DH did me no wrong; I'm still living in what was our home; and there's no need for division of property or any of the other sad aspects of a marital breakup. There's also no finality or "overness" to my experience, as in actual widowhood. DH is still physically here, but not here in any other sense.
But one thing my experience has in common with others described here is that the Alzheimer's has taken a definite financial toll. When I consider our lost income due to DH's enforced early retirement; my cutback to a 2/3 workload after his diagnosis and my full retirement a year or so sooner than I might have done it; and (sound of teeth grinding here) the time and money we wasted on barking up various wrong diagnostic trees before we accepted the inevitable, I could just spit. And as described in my Meet a Reader interview, if it wasn't for the long-term care insurance, placing DH in care would have been a complete financial wipeout.
In addition, I do feel as if I'm in the early stages of a process with some similarities to what other contributors are describing. I particularly appreciate CW's advice "to reconnect with activities, people and other things...that perhaps had taken a backseat during the marriage." It's my life to live and my path to create now, like it or not--and I'm taking the first few steps down this path.
Sending affection and support to everyone here.
@A. Marie,
Thanks for telling your story. As the daughter of an Alzheimer’s sufferer, it helps me. My Dad is still at home with Mom but who knows for how long with this nasty disease.
I'm so happy you chimed in, because as I was writing this post, I thought of you and JD!
My parents’ divorce when I was young was horrific. In my 40s I’m still dealing with PTSD from it. My divorce was the easiest divorce in history, organisationally, although obviously emotionally it was a lot harder. My ex put energy into things he cared about so he put basically zero energy into the divorce and I did everything myself, cheap.
I didn’t let a lot of people in, or ask for help so as others are saying, I think it is easier if you do. But don’t take their help (if you can avoid it) if it means taking their opinions about your marriage/divorce too.
Try not to panic to replace things just the way they were. I bought stuff that I thought I needed in my life, but the space and money would have been better.
Out the other side…it gets better.
Cheryl Strayed, in her Dear Sugar persona, wrote a piece of advice I cried when a read it a few months after our separation. She said, “wanting to leave is enough”. You don’t need other justification. That has helped me in the years since and I find it a useful way to help me stop looking back. That life is gone for a reason.
I found joy: visiting the sea, stopping the passive aggressive behaviours I’d grown into because I was unhappy, learning I could handle sleeping alone, finding someone whose priority is my happiness, moving out of the house I sodding hated, playing my music that he didn’t like.
I will second two of the other commenters that, if you can possible afford it/find it, you need therapy and a good lawyer.
And, you’re allowed to find joy in tiny things, which Kristen is so good at. Grab onto (safe) joy wherever you find it.
@Victoria,
“wanting to leave is enough”
Oh how I completely disagree with that.
@Victoria,
Oh, EXCELLENT point about not taking help if you then must endure the helper's opinions, comments, etc. about your marriage/divorce. Help should be offered and accepted with no strings attached.
@Rose, what is/are the reasons(s)?
@Kimberly, My life, my children's lives and my vows are worth more than "I just wanted to leave." I take marriage way more seriously than that. If you've gotten married, had children, made a life together, those people deserve more effort than "I wanted to leave." There are seasons in marriages and so many people walk out when the going gets tough, instead of being an adult, working out issues, and being happy again. I can't stand pop psychology, especially from the likes of Cheryl Strayed, Elizabeth Gilbert or Glennon Whatsherface.
I think your moral rubric around leaving a marriage might match up with Gretchen Baskerville's (and Gretchen's matches with mine). She talks about distinguishing between a marriage that is disappointing and a marriage that is damaging. In cases such as the latter, a divorce can be life-saving. In cases such as the former, it might not be.
The recent studies I've read about have shown that if the marriage falls into the damaging category, then after a divorce, the children's lives can actually improve. If a marriage is just disappointing or boring, it is not necessarily true that a divorce serves the kids.
@Rose, I’d argue making all those excuse to stay somewhere you don’t want to be is not adult behaviour. To each is own. But I agree. Wanting to leave is always enough.
@Rose, I agree with you. You cannot reap the benefits of commitment without committing and putting the work into it. You just have to put the work into it. "I just wanted to leave" advice reveals a culture that is centered on self instead of on community. Growing up means being less focused on self.
@Jody S., amen. So many people, sorry guys, but especially men, get a bit bored, get tired of dealing with teenagers, get tired of spending money in an adult manner instead of on fun stuff, etc. etc. so they opt out for greener pastures.
The person/parent left behind now has their responsibilities tripled. Certainly not always, but most often it's the mother.
Kristen, sociologists call those high conflict versus low conflict marriages. In a low conflict marriage that ends in divorce, children have much worse outcomes than ones from high conflict marriages that end in divorce.
This is actually a fact, folks. It's not about opinion--facts. People always justify their behavior with "well, children can't be happy unless their parents are," which is not borne out by the facts. Wanting to leave is not enough unless one is extremely selfish.
And I'm sorry but I have to say it even though I know people mean well: Alzheimer's and death are not the same. You don't lose half your family and half your friends because your spouse died. No one thinks your marriage must have been terrible because your spouse got Alzheimer's. Your best friend doesn't tell you 3 months after your spouse leaves to be more positive or you can't be friends any more. You're an object of sympathy rather than an object of fear and disgust and laughter. You don't have to hear about the spouse that you wanted to grow old with marrying someone else, the same person with whom he cheated on you and deal with your former family congratulating him. Nor do you have your ex being monstrous to your children, the thing I personally cannot forgive mine for.
If I sound like a jerk, and I quite often do, and I know I do, I am sorry. Divorce is a unique pain. Obviously, widowhood and Alzheimer's are too, but I wouldn't presume to offer tips about that.
I don't think anyone here is trying to compare pains; it's just that I asked the question about starting over in general. There are so many different hard circumstances that lead to starting over, and my hope was that people could share tips that would be useful in multiple circumstances.
Even within the divorce community, there are so many different factors that could make a divorce more or less painful, so no one can really fully understand another's pain.
Oh and of course, I'm supposed to be over it by now. If my husband died, no one would tell me I should be over it by now. But this, I'm supposed to be blase about or I look like a bitter divorced loser. Which I am, I own it, it's not like I talk or think about it every day, but the past couple days, yes. I'm OK with not being over it and probably never being over it. I don't know why divorce is the special painful event that you're supposed to be over or else you get stuck on the loser bench, unlike every other painful life event.
@Rose, You do not sound like a jerk You are a person who was hurt very badly by someone who was supposed to love, honor and cherish you. I am so sorry for what he did and continues to do to you and your family. Sending you hugs and wishes for some peace.
@Rose, I said explicitly in my comment that I was not presuming to compare Alzheimer's to divorce or death. And I offered no "tips," just a few thoughts on where I am now. I'm sorry you misinterpreted my remarks.
And it was totally fine for you to do that. I can imagine that the journey through Alzheimer's has unique pains and heartbreaks that are different than divorce pains and heartbreaks. And I can well imagine that sometimes, you might feel like divorce has some upsides over Alzheimer's.
I think everyone's pain is valid and unique, and the important thing is for all of us to be able to empathize with and learn from each other, even when our sources of pain are very different.
@Anita Isaac, Thank you. Visiting my son in jail. Driving him to court and to probation and paying tens of thousands of dollars in court fees. Listening to my daughter sob at 3AM and reassuring myself that if she's sobbing, she at least hasn't killed herself.
This is what I was left with to deal with on my own. Because their father noped out of their lives. And I'm supposed to be over it. Whatever, enough of this. Sorry for bringing my real life into it instead of being positive and helpful and supportive.
This all sounds so hard, and I really do think it's ok to be upset about the hurt your ex caused you. Everyone's healing journey takes a different route at a different speed because we are all different AND our paths are all a little different.
My path isn't quite the same as yours, but there are some similarities that I can sympathize with, and it is just flat-out heart-breaking. It's ok to honestly acknowledge it. That pain can coexist with other joys, but it is still there, and I really believe that being true and honest about life means acknowledging both the blessings AND the hard things.
I stayed in my marriage far, far longer than I should have, in part because he made more money than I did and I was convinced I would wind up broke.
For all sorts of reasons I won’t get into here (maybe in a reader profile one day…), I owed him 150k when we did eventually split, and much to my surprise, I am still financially ahead.
Turns out he was burning through money like crazy when we together (still is, he blew through that 150k in two years) and I actually have more disposable income now that I am on my own.
I am offering a bit of cheer from the other side!
I left my home and had to start over, just like Kristen. It was an extremely difficult time, both financially and emotionally. I'm not a frugal person by nature (unlike much of the community here!), so I really struggled through my new financial situation. One small thing I focused on was eating at home. During my first marriage we ate out constantly, which was not only so expensive, but also so unhealthy. I had a pretty unhealthy relationship with food, and learning how to cook and eat at home helped me start to change that. I was not a vegetarian yet, but I committed to cooking mostly vegetarian at home since meat seemed so expensive to me all of the sudden.
A bigger financial step I took was to take control of my career--I am a high school teacher and during my first marriage I thought I wouldn't be teaching for long because I would eventually be starting a family, so I initially treated my career as "something to do for a little while". I immediately started taking continuing education classes that would count toward a pay raise, as well as beginning work on my master's degree which counts toward a significant pay raise. It felt counterintuitive at the time to spend money on classes in order to make more money, but the ultimate financial gain over time was well worth it.
Now, years later, I am quite thankful for my career because it has allowed me financial freedom. I am also really thankful I learned to cook and the value of making meals at home. It is something I look forward to now, both because it is financially smart and has allowed me to eat as healthy as I like to. On the emotional side, I do think that I married so young that I didn't really know myself yet, and I am thankful for the years before I remarried that I spent some time alone figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be. Sure, it would have been nice if I had been able to do that first before getting married, but that isn't how it happened for me!
I will also echo a few other readers who have said that getting a lawyer would be well worth the money. I did not do that, and as a result I ended up taking on half of the debt we accrued while my ex was in law school. Not his student loans, but the debt we racked up from not being smart with money while only living on my meager teacher salary. In retrospect, perhaps if I had gotten a lawyer I could have negotiated that into something that felt more fair. It took me many years to pay off that debt. I also wish I would have found some kind of therapy. I think maybe that would have helped me get over my feelings of failure so much more quickly. Even though I didn't do these two things, I don't regret the choices I made because they felt right at the time. And, it certainly doesn't help my current level of happiness to look back in anger or regret. I have come out the other side with financial and emotional wisdom, and I am very thankful for that!
I have been rebuilding my life for the past three years, not because of divorce but because my husband was killed. I'd gotten into a really bad place the latter part of 2022. By the end of the year, I was getting pretty tired of myself and my "I hate my life" mindset, and then I heard a sermon at the beginning of the year about how one year from now - it's going to be one year from now, and if you don't like how things are? you can change them! and you don't have to change things all at once - imagine if you spent a year making small changes...
So I did, I imagined that and then I started it. I decided to make one change each month because one year from now - it was going to be one year from now, and I sure would be happier with some change. I fixed my Amazon ordering habit, I fixed tithing, I did the therapy on my ankle that I'd broken in October! but hadn't bothered to follow up on, I went to my doctor for all the annual things, I got a (great!) new job and in June I started therapy.
It was all too much to think about when I looked at the sad state of my life and the huge stack of things that needed to happen; it froze me. But each month I just decide what the change is for that month and give myself the whole month to make it happen, and sometimes it bleeds over into the next month, and that's okay, too. Don't be too impressed. In the month when it was time to see my doctor - I didn't get on the phone and make the appointment until the last day of the month. But at least I did it!
I keep a list in Notes on my iPhone and this list is becoming pretty encouraging. Do I still wish my husband was alive and my life hadn't changed? Yes, absolutely. But do I like my life a lot better now than at the end of 2022? Yes, absolutely. And seeing the list reminds me that I CAN change things when I don't like them; having your person killed, or losing your marriage through divorce - it makes you feel like you are powerless. This big change comes through no choice of your own. But this list helps me remember I CAN make changes.
So that's how I'm putting my pieces back together - a low bar. One change a month.
Johanna in DC
@Johanna, this was so inspiring and relevant for everyone no matter their circumstances. I admire your strength and what it took to take these steps every month. Thank you so much for sharing.
@Johanna, I agree with Ally, very inspiring. Thank you for sharing. My situation is different because I was a care giver, which was very hard for me and I put off or let go of things. I got eyeglasses earlier this year and even though they were not right I didn’t go back to get them fixed. Today I saw another dr and bought new glasses. I also made appointments to have some health issues checked out. I started exercising again, which I had let go. I’m still making list but not really following through. I’m going to try your monthly method. Thanks.
Johanna, I'm going to copy your method of one thing a month, too! So freeing and doable for me right now, when I've let all "the annual things" (medically) go for way too long. For example: Doing three of those all in the same week (this week!) is too much.
Thank you so much!
@Johanna, I love this and I'm so glad you shared it. One small change a month sounds so doable!
@Johanna, I'm very sorry your husband was killed and appreciate your sharing how you dug yourself out one month at a time.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. But thank you for sharing how you are coping!
I also fall into the CHEERING from the other side camp! My divorce was my choice but it was such an unhealthy situation I should have left many many years before I actually had the courage to. Now, 7 years later, my life is so much better and more joyful and full of love than I ever expected. I got remarried, completely surprised myself by having a new baby, and life is so sweet.
My ex husband and I both moved out of the house and sold it, but I left first. Neither of us was walking away with nothing but I also did need a lot of stuff! Thankfully since the kids were living with me 95% of the time they were able to pretty much duplicate their rooms in our new rental.
From a practical standpoint I found Facebook marketplace and non-goodwill thrift stores to have a better selection of furniture/home goods than Goodwill did. I'm sure this varies depending on your area but my Goodwill just wasn't very good! My family was really wonderful through this process and gave me some housewarming gifts that they knew I needed. I have found that clean and uncluttered go a LONG way in making a home look and feel beautiful, and both of those things cost next to nothing 🙂 Find small things that bring you joy - a cheap bouquet of flowers, or even some picked from outside, a new beautiful mug or candle. If you cant find something secondhand look in the clearance section of normal stores first and I bet you'll find something you like more often than not. You may be offered some free stuff, and while that is wonderful and kind, if you don't have room for it or it's not your style it's ok to allow yourself to say no. (This was a big lesson for me! I don't have to accept it just cause it's free!)
Also, accept that you are probably in a more fragile state than normal. Be kind and gentle with yourself and allow yourself treats whenever you can. Take a long bath, read a good book, go on a walk, pick up your favorite chocolate, etc. These little things helped me to stay sane and soothed my nerves in the early days of being on my own.
Also, sleep in the middle of the bed, no need to have a side anymore!!
I am reading along and cheering and admiring all of you here! This question does not apply to my circumstances, yet is giving me insight into others who have and are going through such upheavals.
I found a line in a very old Harlequin Romance novel some years ago that summarized relationships well for me, (ironically not necessarily matching the message of the books). It would have given me much less angst to have believed: It isn't how you feel about him that matters. It is how you feel about yourself when you are with him that is important. (or her).
@Heidi Louise, Thank you so much for that last sentence. Found my hubby late in life and thankfully I have not been divorced but that sentence resonates with me.
We lost everything in a tornado in 1993. We made our new bedroom comfy FIRST so at the end of many many bad days we had a nice place to rest.
We used our camping chairs and folding table until we could afford more.
@Linda, glad you said this.
It made me think of our current situation -- when the EXPENSIVE mattress Husband insisted on made his back worse, we had to do something quickly. (Thankfully it could be returned -- $850 worth.) We started using our inflatable camping mattress, but with a topper. It minimized sliding around and extra noise, and was so comfortable that we used it for an additional two years!
It just started leaking...and we got another. Same comfort...and it only cost $56. More than worth the money.
My mother's attorney, once the divorce was final, told her she was so stupid she didn't know my father had money in three different banks so she didn't claim any of that. The government said you could support a child on X dollars per month so my father paid that X dollar plus one cent so he could claim my support on his taxes. He also bought me a winter coat that year and kept the receipt as proof of his support. Meanwhile we lived without a refrigerator because my mother couldn't get credit in her own name to pay for one.
A friend stayed longer than she wanted to do because she didn't think she could financially support their three kids. Until someone pointed out all her husband's earnings went right back into his businesses so she'd been supporting him as well as the kids anyway.
Both women did fine on their own but eventually remarried.
@Linda, I would have sued that attorney for malpractice.
@Rose,
Seriously! That's ridiculous (both his nasty comment to @Linda's mom, and that he/she didn't go after that money!).
@Rose, at the very least reported him to the bar association.
My personal advice for moving on… is to do exactly that one step in front of the other and move on.
I personally don’t understand waiting it out. If it doesn’t work now and you don’t want to me there, that won’t be a place to go back to in a year.
Mind set of move on… and move on ….
You keep leaving comments along these lines, so to clear things up: I'm not sure what the rules are where you live, but there are a lot of places, mine included, that require a year of separation prior to divorce. Waiting is the law; it is not a choice.
Also, remember that not everyone has a cooperative spouse who is willing to make a divorce happen expeditiously.
For me, being in the camp of "people who have been through it and are offering cheer from the other side," I will say that I found joy in rediscovering my faith and my identity as a child of God. You already have such a great foundation, but I hope you find it strengthened even further. Reflecting on what it meant to be a child of God helped with my healing around my own self-worth, but also helped me to forgive my prior spouse, who God also loves dearly.
I was fortunate in that I had a good paying job, but I still found the process of starting over to be expensive. I downsized to a smaller house and accepted hand-me-downs for my kiddo's stage of life. In my prior relationship, I was the saver and he was the spender, so I found that I just had more money when I had more control over my grocery and restaurant budget, which helped out a lot.
My situation is very different but nonetheless, has been very stressful and I think maybe I have learned a thing or two to share about going through loss. My last husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in 2019 and passed a year ago. I was his main caregiver until he went into a Memory Care Unit ten months before he passed. It has emotionally been a very difficult journey. I realized about five months ago and that I was not going to dwell in the past but try to make a new life for myself. I work very hard at maintaining a positive attitude. I also realize that I can never go back, the past is over and I need to find the new me and build a new life. It will not be the same life but it can be a good life. I hope this helps someone.
The myths and movies always depict "the man" leaving the house, with the wife and kids remaining, but, in reality for me (many eons ago) and all of my friends, the women were the ones to leave. . .which does not make an awful lot of sense, actually. Because it would seem to be a better solution for the "single" man to exit and get a bachelor pad, leaving the family home intact, well, for THE family, to maintain continuity and family history as well as to help get everyone over the hump of splitting up one household into two. . . I know for me, what helped with starting over was education. I LEANED into my college courses as I created a new life for myself , along with new friends and a new city-- BULK vats of rice and beans helped also! As did shopping at the local Mexican market for produce (1/3 the price of the chain stores). To be honest, trips to my parents' house helped tremendously since they were comforting and on my side, PLUS, they happily shared their never-ending pantry of TP, paper towels and canned goods with me.
In 2018 I left a marriage/home of 30 years. Friends were building a second home in another state, so I was able to live at their home for an entire year for free while they were traveling back and forth. Then through friends I met an older gentleman who was moving into a seniors home. I was able to purchase his home AND he left his kitchen items as he wouldn't need them in the new home. He also left his tools, which you would have loved. I've given most of them away to friends who will actually use them! I've been very blessed during this hard time.
I started over about 25 years ago, and yes, I was also the one who moved out. My biggest piece of advice is this: before you move out, if possible, understand your assets. (I actually bought a book on women, divorce and finance at the time.) Learn what is and isn't yours, and know what to do with any assets or money you may have. I avoided a long drawn out fight by understanding this, and negotiated most things with the ex myself, which avoided lawyer fees. Literally, I listed the assets on legal paper and we passed it back and forth with codes (i.e. want, don't want, might want). I timed these negotiations on "good days", and tried to shield the kids from any money or asset discussions. It was hard but better in the long run. My grown kids realize now how much of the uglies I didn't let them know when they were young, and they appreciate it.
After that, I was pleased to be able to decorate my OWN place with what you all have said: thrift and curbside finds, bartering with friends, and selling the big bed I had and getting one smaller, after all, I wasn't sharing one! Entertainment was family walks, discovering our new neighborhood, singing in the car, cooking dinner together, my kids having sleepovers.
I was married many years ago. The first weekend we were married he came home from Friday work at about 6 pm on Saturday. When asked why, he said there had been a line at the copier. The Holy Spirit appeared to me and said, "Don't get pregnant." By the time the proofs of the wedding pictures came, I knew enlargements would be a bad investment. He continued horrid. Retrospectively I can't imagine why I stayed for 20 months and 8 days. I had just taken a new job (to shorten his commute) and it was hard forming friendships in my depressed state. Staying where I had a support system would have been better, but that bridge had been burned. One of the best things I did was resolving not to say anything about him or our marriage at work. It left my mind clearer. With respect to money--it was his only life interest. I let him have the big half with the proviso that he pay any IRS claims that emerged from audits. He got wedding presents that were orange or green (from his side of the family) while I kept anything that was blue, white, or clear. I spent a year in a group house until I could afford an apartment. Bicycling and running helped me though the first couple years. I'm so glad I left--although my family dropped me for such unCatholic behavior.
As you know I’m starting over too. I’ve been doing a bit of trash picking alongside all my usual frugal habits. Eating a ton more beans as my protein source. My gut happens to loves this.
I’ve also been looking into resources that exist to help. In the summer our local library gives out free food boxes for families with kids. I also applied for a homeschooling grant from the HSLDA.
Also, I find that people can be very kind to single moms. I’ve gotten free furniture from my family and when I go out with a friend they often pay for my meal or drink because they know of my situation. It’s never expected of course but it’s a pleasant surprise.
I divorced 10 years ago this month. My decision to end it, as well as to leave the marital home. I am pragmatic, home needed a lot of work I didn't have the time, skills or money to address. 4 older kids: 1 in college, one a legal adult chose to live with Dad as a college commuter student, the youngest 2 came with me. Agreed to remain in the marital town until youngest graduated HS, put myself on a 5 year plan to start over. Get kids thru HS, move to a nearby city (cheaper), rent for a year to try it on for size, buy a modest, forever home after year 5. Step 1) hired a good attorney (temporarily borrowed $ for retainer, from family, paid it off once all was finalized Step 2) untangled myself financially as much as possible. Luckily, I was always the one to set up bank accounts, cell phone plan, utilities, credit card, etc so removing myself and/or putting things in my Ex's name was easier. I was very fair. Closed the joint bank account once I had set up a separate one in my name, and paid the final household bills through it once the last checks cleared the joint account. Split the savings in half, cut Ex his proceeds, let it clear, then closed that as well, walking away with $2500 to my name while the proceedings were going on. Luckily as well, I always had a credit card just in my name. Speak to your lawyer on this, if you haven't already. Step 3) made a list of must haves. We are in a 50-50 state, so that helped. I made a list of household furnishings/supplies I would be taking with me. I started with rooms listed such as : kids bedroom: 2 twin beds, night table, desk, lamp etc. There were a few things that Ex refused, some I just let go, some I did have my lawyer fight for. I now had a list of Must acquire (dining table and chairs for example) and a list of Creature comforts, not a need but a want (such as the small tv for my bedroom) As I got ready, I intentionally chose classic pieces that I liked, that were well built. I am still using the PA House dining table and 6 chairs that I paid $129 plus tax. Second hand is a market I frequently shopped, and still do, as I am frugal by nature. I also chose neutral tones for anything I was refurbishing: white painted furniture, beige/off white towels (went thru 3 rentals before buying my forever home), reupholstered in beige/ivory. You get the idea. Freecycle, local FB sites were excellent sources, as were thrift shops. During my 5 year plan, I lived frugally and saved every penny that I could, amassing a 20% down payment plus an additional $40,000 to remodel/refurbish my new to me home, cover closing costs, etc. I divorced 1) for the kids and 2) for me as it had been over for some time, and I couldn't continue with another 25 years. Will leave it at that. Life is good, and financially I am doing very well, I took early retirement for medical reasons and am now home based, which is weird as I worked FT throughout my marriage. I didn't ask for his retirement, nor alimony as we both worked and earned approx the same amount. He didn't ask of me either, which I appreciate. I asked for my 1/2 of the home to be bought out (he remains there), child support for the youngest 2, and I took the newest car, a 4 y.o. economy car. When he asked me why not one of the other vehicles, I explained, because I know that I can make the payments and you can't . I got the car, paid it off immediately, and removed his name from it. HTH
I have never comment before, but this topic hits so close to my heart.
I was a stay at home mom for 14 years with two sons. I was with my ex husband for a total of 23 years. When we first separated, people were absolutely shocked. Everything seemed so perfect to others on the surface.
However, in my heart I knew something was very wrong. I wanted out, but I couldn’t verbalize why. I had so much guilt, that I had to seek counseling.
Through two years of weekly counseling, I was able to realize just how dysfunctional my marriage was. The red flags were there from the beginning, I was just not equipped to see them. It is not normal or healthy to live in a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage. It is absolutely soul crushing.
So, my advice is, please seek counseling. Sometimes it takes seeing more than one professional before you find the right fit.
My second piece of advice is to please, please, please get competent legal counsel. I will forever be grateful to my attorney, she warned me right away of the things my ex-husband would do and try to do. I thought she was absolutely crazy, no…she was experienced and wise. My ex-husband has done everything she said he would. While we were married he praised me that he couldn’t have gotten as far in his career if I hadn’t stayed home. His tune changed completely when I asked for a divorce, and he realized I was never going back. He has made it his mission to destroy me.
My third piece of advice is, please be very careful who you listen to and take advice from. My pastor tried desperately to try to get me to reconcile with my ex husband. This is even after I confided in him that there was abuse. He told me God hates divorce. I left my church.
However, when all is said and done, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I too left my family home, and while that hurt greatly, I discovered it to be the best decision. Sometimes you really do need to start over.
In the beginning, the guilt crushed me that my sons had to go through a divorce, I now realize I would have felt devastated if my sons turned into men that thought it was ok to treat women a certain way.
And I know for some this might be hard to believe when you are going through a painful divorce, there is a love out there that is like none you have experienced before. It took me until my mid 40s to find my person. He treats me with love, kindness, respect, acceptance, understanding, dignity. Love can be found when you least expect it, no matter your age.