On vulnerability, perfection, and helping the person behind you
This week, someone (gently) suggested that before I give advice on topic X, I should improve my skills in that area, and gave a few examples of where I need to get better.
(Which, as I read it, is basically an "It's a little awkward to watch you teach in this area because you aren't the most qualified person." kind of thing.)
I'm not gonna lie...that was a little a lot painful to read.
It's not that hard to hear someone else tell me I have room to learn, because ohhh, I know that better than probably anyone, and I always am wanting to improve and learn and grow.
No, the painful part is being reminded of the vulnerability that comes with teaching people what you know, even though you're not an expert.
What makes this an especially vulnerable thing to do on the internet is the fact that there are probably going to be some experts reading what you write and teach.
Even if that's not the case, it's always true that there IS someone else on the internet more qualified to teach on any topic you choose.
There are lots of people out there who are better than me at DIY projects.
Or food waste reduction.
Or piano playing.
(To wit: before I did that video of me playing the piano, the voices in my head said, "People who are better musicians than you will watch it. And they will be all, "Why does she even think that's good enough to share?")
Or photography.
Or simplicity.
Or homeschooling.
Or baking.
Or cooking.
Or blogging!
This means that every time I publish something, I have to shove away those niggling little voices in my head that say things like:
"You are not good enough to write this."
"You should be embarrassed to hit publish. Get way, way, waaaaay better first."
"Someone will look at what you wrote and think, "What?? Why is she giving advice when she's unskilled/such a mess/so inferior to Person X?"
"Someone else can do this better than you."
There's some truth in those statements, but here's what I tell myself when those voices threaten to take over.
I might not be an expert, but I'm farther along than someone. And I don't have to wait until I reach perfection to help someone who's behind me on the journey.
Are some people better at sewing/mending than I am? Yup. But there are also people who know less than I do.
So, I can help them sew on a missing button, or learn how to replace a riveted metal jeans button.
Are a lot of people better at photography than I am? Oh my soul, yes!
But I can share the things I've learned over the years, and that'll help people who are just starting their photography journey.
Are a lot of people better at frugal living than me? Sure thing. In fact, I think a lot of my readers are!
But that doesn't change the fact that there are people who know less than I do about living frugally, so I can share what I know and help them grow in this area.
I don't have to wait for perfection to help the person behind me.
And YOU don't have to wait for perfection to help the person behind you either.
Wouldn't it be an awful world if we all waited until we'd reached expert status before we helped other people?
In a world like that, I'm pretty sure no one would ever help or teach other people, because I know even bona fide experts still hear some of those niggling voices in their heads.
So.
You know more than you used to about something, right? Well, that makes you qualified to give someone behind you a helping hand.
And that's true even if you're only a few steps into a journey that takes 10,000 steps.
It's a little terrifying, I know. It feels a bit like sticking your hand out when you know there's a possibility that someone will step on it.
Being willing to do that is half the battle! The world needs people who will extend a hand, even when it's scary.
If you never extend your hand, you'll be safe.
But if you never extend a hand, you'll never be able to help someone either.
And when I think about it like that, I realize that I'd much rather risk being stepped on than risk not helping someone.
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P.S. This post is an interesting exercise in practicing what I'm preaching! I clearly do not have this whole shove-aside-the-niggling-voices thing down pat, but I am a little better at it than I used to be. So, I'm sharing what helps me get past the voices, and maybe it'll help some of you who are listening to the voices more than you should be.
P.P.S I've also been reminding myself hard that it doesn't have to be perfect to bless other people.
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This is a great post! And I totally agree. I teach yoga, and sometimes it can get overwhelming how much more advanced my teachers are, and some of them are better at teaching than I will ever be. BUT, that doesn't mean that my students don't benefit from my teaching! As long as I do my best, and always keep learning, that is all we can do. I love your blog, keep up the good work!
Yes, I think the "keep learning" part is key.
Also key is knowing that you don't know it all! A newbie who THINKS they know it all probably isn't qualified to teach. But a newbie who recognizes the newbie status probably can be very helpful to someone else.
Let the record show I've never commented on this blog before, I didn't do the survey, I'm generally a read-only kind of blog lurker. But I have to take a moment to say - because I'd be devastated by that kind of feedback - I appreciate all you write here. Because you are better at many of these things than me. I'm inspired by the fact that with near perfect regularity you post every day that you should and that your posts are helpful and meaningful to many.
So my feedback is simple - thank you. I really value you.
It means a lot to me that you took the time to pop out of lurkdom to encourage me...thank you so much!
But we all learn from one another. Without adding how much each of us knows, there are certainly different bits of input each of us can add. It is also valuable to have someone bring up the topic, moderate, and publish, and I thank you for that huge effort. I am a grandma, a retired teacher, and person into cooking, simplicity, and frugality; I learn tons from you, plus I enjoy reading for confirmation in the cases where a specific doesn't seem that new to me.
I always said I learned as much or more from my students as they did from me. This applies to life in general. Sharing is efficient, and nobody--even an expert--holds a monopoly on ideas.
Excellent post! Just because you are sharing what you have learned in a specific area certainly does not mean that you are the best qualified. If we had to learn something from someone who was "perfect" at it, then nobody would ever learn anything because nobody is perfect at anything! So you just keep right on sharing things with us, because you are an encouragement to many! If someone doesn't like what you post then they don't have to read your blog! But for the rest of us - keep on sharing!
I'm torn between shaking my head and saying "that's the internet for ya!" and being hopping mad that someone would say such things. I really just don't get some people. So ok, maybe they're more knowledgeable on a subject than you are. Were they just dying to let you know that? Of course I agree, in this world you have to have a thick skin to survive....but I don't have one. I'm not overly sensitive at all, but I'm vulnerable and I know it. I would also rather die than hurt someone's feelings. Always have been that way.
I don't have a very thick skin either. Which is why I have to preach this type of thing to myself. I seriously have been reminding myself over and over again that it doesn't have to be perfect to bless someone, and that I don't have to be an expert in order to help someone.
Otherwise, those niggling voices just take right over.
I'm not sure...it's hard to say what the motivations were. I don't think this person meant to be unkind, but I think maybe he/she thought I was all, "Ohh, I've arrived, so let me educate you all!", which is not at all how I feel.
I'm totally the same as you about hurting other people's feelings. In fact, that turns into a fault for me, where sometimes I don't want to speak up and say something confrontational, even when it actually IS necessary. Most of the time, my care for other people's feelings is an asset, but sometimes it's bad news.
"Most of the time, my care for other people’s feelings is an asset, but sometimes it’s bad news."
This is a very important insight.
Great post!!! Just another reason why I love reading your blog!
I agree with you wholeheartedly. I am thankful that you do show/tell us what you know. It is one more step in the right direction from where we were. So every little bit helps. None of us can reach perfection. But we can extend our "hand" to help others. This is the greater gift.
Oh thank you, thank you, thank you Kristen for sharing your heart felt and Christ like knowledge and wisdom! I really think I can grow in my walk God utilizing the fact that I can be imperfect and still serve.
God bless you more!!!
I really enjoy this blog. You've created a community of readers that help one another. I'm not sure if I could be brave enough to blog about something for fear that my ideas or thoughts would be rejected or laughed at. You do a wonderful job covering an array of subjects and are always open to others ideas and how-to's. I'm sorry that someone wrote that to you. I do really enjoy what you write. Keep up the great work!
Well, from what I can tell, you're FAR more advanced in humility!! 🙂
Have a great, albeit rainy, Wednesday. Thanks for sharing your heart.
You've nailed it. I often get annoyed with social media as being a huge timesuck, but on the flip side, it brings so many blessings. Back in the day, you wouldn't have been able to share the vast amount of what you have learned over the years unless you *were* an expert and could get a book deal. How sad. This blog and Soulemama are the only two blogs I visit daily because I appreciate learning from you, and you always write not as a know-it-all, but with integrity and a real sense of eagerness to show people what you've learned. And then those of us who learn from you can pass things on, or can comment if we have something more to add to what you've written.
I recently started two Facebook groups, one on canning and one on raising backyard ducks, to be a resource for others. Like you, I know more than some on the subjects, but am hardly expert in either, and many are much more experienced or accomplished than me. In those groups we've all learned from each other: Each of us knows something that others don't, and each of us has gained some knowledge or tips from the others. Again, what a blessing.
Thanks so much for what you do on the blog.
Well, I'm super honored to be lumped together with Soulemama!
And yes, I've often thought that about the internet; how it's made it possible for everyday, ordinary people to share what they've learned/are learning. It's a wonderful thing.
Kristen, it sound as if you take criticism to heart. Don't do that. Nobody is perfect - the people who point out someone else's imperfections obviously have way too much time on their hands. I love your blog; you and your sweet family give me hope for the future, in this world. Keep doing just what you're doing, in the way you're doing it.
Oh, I do! It is a huge flaw of mine...the downside of a personality that is sensitive to other people's feelings.
So, that's why I have these helpful reminders to preach to myself, about not needing to be perfect to bless others, and not needing to be an expert to help people.
Bravo to you for your courage to share with all of us. There will always be people who try to drag you down; just ignore them.
You don't have to be perfect to help the person next to you or in front of you either--in fact, who is to decide who's in front, and who's not. We're all human.
I have always thought of you as someone who knows how to be gracious in everything. You gently instruct and encourage. You advise with consideration. You are one who seeks advice so YOU can grow. Your ways are humble and kind. I have admired these things in you, and haven't myself thought of you as one who thinks more highly of yourself/what you do than you ought. Keep on keeping on! 🙂
I 100% agree. You really are one of the nicest, most gracious and diplomatic people on the internets 🙂
Kristen, I've been reading your blog for a looong time, and I have to say I have NEVER gotten the feeling that you "claim to be an expert" but needs to know so much more. Sorry, But I feel this is one reader's ( strange) take. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course.
You are the last person to come across in a know-it-all.
Just had to add my $0.02!!
THIS is why I follow/read your blog! I used to blog, and I would get so frustrated by the bloggers who were not even close to experts try to make people think they were (and this is why I stopped blogging in my genre). I love that you are honest about who you are and share your skills/experience in such a manner. I've never read your blog and felt like you had an attitude that you were the best, most experienced, or expert. It's one thing to share your knowledge. It's something different to act like your knowledge is more than it is (which you don't do). Thank you for sharing and being so open and honest 🙂
Yes. Knowing that you're not an expert and realizing you haven't arrived...those two things are probably key to helping other people. Oddly enough, maybe it's when you understand your limitations that you are in the best place to help others.
And thank you for your encouraging words! They mean the world to me.
I so understand that. I am non- confrontational to a fault, as well. I never feel it's the wrong avenue to take to not hurt a person's feelings, but yes, I do avoid saying things sometimes that I probably should have, too. I don't have this limitation with my kids, ha ha.
Well, I left that comment in the wrong place, but no matter. I would like to add, though, WHO among us has really " arrived"? There's always more to learn, someone who knows more...for anyone to really point out that they know more than you...well, it's just rude. And rather pathetic.
I totally agree Kristen. If you have developed a strategy that has been helpful to you, chances are it will help some of your readers too even if you haven't yet achieved expert status. My favorite thing about blogs is the way they promote an exchange of ideas.
Me too! I just love being able to hop on a blog and read about someone's personal experience with something, especially when I'm considering a project or a product purchase. It's super helpful to get a real-life view on something, you know?
I'll also pop out of lurkdom (I've commented maybe 1-2 times in the last 5 years) to say I love your blog, and honestly, one of the reasons I love it is because you are human! You are so good at the many things you blog about, but you are also honest that you might not be the best, and that humility and willingness to learn from your readers draws people in. There's a lot of cooking/sewing/other cool things blogs that are intimidating to read, but not yours. I think a lot of people see your blog and think, well she's doing what she can, so I can try too. Your weakness in a way is your strength. And this post is one of the most powerful you've done. 🙂
I am so glad you posted this. I struggle a LOT with that nagging doubt. I like taking pictures, people tell me that I take great ones, but I'm afraid to start doing it on the side because I don't feel like my pictures are perfect. I find your blog to be really inspiring. Yes there are people that are stronger at certain things, but I find that your approach to frugality emphasizes that the little things add up. I don't have to go whole hog, but I can adopt mini changes that helps me feel like I'm contributing to the end result. I know its hard to hear criticism, but hopefully we can all take away the message that there is room for growth in all aspects of our lives, its important to share your strengths with others so you can grow from their strengths. Wouldn't the world be better if we all helped each other, rather than tearing each other down?
Hi, Kristen- I just want to let you know this: I am a VERY experienced baker. I have been baking for.... let's call it many years! But I was intimidated about making pizza crust from scratch, even though I subscribe to Cooks Illustrated! I was inspired by your success and confidence! My children are grown (albeit not gone!), so not all your posts are pertinent to me, but I so enjoy your sensible take on things. Next up for me? Yogurt! xo
I did not write that comment, but I do feel uncomfortable with your reaction to it. It seems like you are ascribing the worst possible interpretation to it and are filtering it through a fixed rather than growth mindset. I feel sorry for the person who left the comment, who must be feeling called out and punished for leaving what (s)he thought was requested constructive criticism.
You have missed the point entirely. So sad.
Hmm. I purposely did not paste the text of the comment here, or say what the comment was specifically about, because I wanted to avoid calling the person out (I'd feel terrible if I made that person feel bad!). And I made sure to point out that the person left their comment in a fairly gentle tone.
I do agree with the anonymous person in that I have areas where I need to grow...that part of the comment wasn't what was painful to me, as I said. The part I take issue with is the idea that it's not ok to teach others what you've learned unless you've got a particular skill down pat.
I do always want to grow (interestingly, I'm especially interested in growing in the area that got criticized and am actively learning about said area), and I want to keep improving. But this idea that it's not appropriate for me to share what I've already learned, merely because I still need improvement...that, I take issue with.
Anyway, I didn't write this post because I wanted to call anyone out. I wrote it because I'm familiar with this paralyzing fear that tempts me to play it safe and wait for perfection/expertise, and I want other people to know they're not alone in this fear and that it's ok to stick your neck out and help someone even when you're a bit of mess still.
I find your post here very wise and gracious. But I am finding these comments and your followups rather harsh. You solicited feedback on how to make your blog better. The person provided that comment as you said 'gently' and in private. I filled out your survey and mentioned things I liked as well as areas for improvement, I don't think I'd do it again. If you just want 'yes men and women' then don't bother with surveys. You don't have to agree with the person, but it's not an anonymous flame in the public comments trying to shame you. A reader who bothered to fill out a survey would only be trying to help.
I appreciate your feedback and I respect the fact that you are willing to speaking your mind, even when it goes against the flow. Thank you.
Were I to write this post over again, I'd have made the beginning much more generalized than I did, in order to avoid causing hurt to anyone. I thought I was being general enough, but if I could rewind back to this morning, I'd be more even more vague and less reactionary.
And I've thought about editing it even now, but I'm worried that that might be unwise (still pondering that. Is heavily editing posts after the fact a good idea?), so I'm opting to leave it as-is.
I do honestly appreciate all the feedback on the survey, and there were SO many helpful suggestions and ideas about how to improve my blog. I'm taking them all into consideration and I've got some changes coming up that will incorporate some of these ideas so that my blog better serves you all.
(One thing to add: while it is true that almost all people will fill out a survey to help a person, there's always a small percentage that use it as a truly anonymous way to be unkind. But usually those comments are obvious because they are phrased in rude, not gentle ways, and so I know to not give those much weight.)
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I have a feeling it was my comment that started this. I also appreciate your overall lesson drawn from it, because you are absolutely right one does not need to be an expert to give advice and tips. I did not mean to cause any hurt feelings, but I do think that being honest (when asked) is also important and sometimes it is hard to do both.
I have no idea who it was-everything is totally anonymous on the survey. 🙂 And yes-honesty combined with tact...that's a hard tightrope to walk. I think we probably all fall off on one side or the other.
Anyway, if it was you: I feel terrible about making you feel called out or picked on. Like I said, that wasn't my intention, and I regret framing my post that way especially because that aspect of it ended up being a distraction from what I wanted my point to be.
Anyway, please accept my apologies. I probably should have let these thoughts percolate for a few days before publishing and then maybe I'd have been more circumspect about the framing of my post. Hopefully I'll remember that next time...
Very gracious and kind of you, whether you are the survey-taker in question or not.
I like that your are showing your effort. Sometimes it is much more inspirational to see some one on their journey than to see an expert talk about what they know. It makes me think "if she is doing her little bit to get better at that, than so can I." It is the little bits of effort that add up. That is what makes blogs great. You can be a part of/be a witness to a process. Also, you get what you pay for. If you want an "expert" go pay to be taught by one.
I love how gracefully you respond to this comment. This kind of thinking has kept me from blogging for so long and I still often struggle with it - though my blog is so small no one tells me it's useless yet.
I have reread your post on perfectionism often, and it's helped me in many ways. I know I will come back to this one for similar reasons.
Thank you for all your work, Kristin!
All the many reasons I love this blog do not include your perceived level of perfection (thank goodness!) This is the blog with a heart and soul and the courage to put it out there. You do so many things so well and that's more than good enough. I AM that person behind who can see you up ahead and learn tons from you. And enjoy the ride -- love the glimpses of family, bits of silliness, serious discussions, concern for the earth -- it's all there and more invitingly packaged than so many. So glad you don't let your own nagging voice (the one we all have) prevent you from this lovely, cheerful, meaningful, and fun work. Thank you!!
It actually helps people to learn when they teach others the subject they are learning. When I was in organic chemistry I learned a lot by teaching others topics I had just read about that week and was no where near an expert.
Hello from a Canadian loves your blog. Does this person understand what a blog is?
"a regularly updated website or web page, typically one run by an individual or small group, that is written in an informal or conversational style"
No where here does the definition say you have to be an expert. We are all a work in progress.
I appreciate you and how you keep things simple in a world where so many think that the good life is "having the goods" (partial Pastor Rick Warren quote)
And I certainly have learned what being graceful is from you. I believe you have leaned back a hand to me in this area and I am grateful for that.
Hugs from the North and keep sharing! xo
Interesting comment because when I first started reading yours and others blogs a few years ago, I was put off by the advice being given because it seemed to me that the people were acting like they were experts when they were not. However, as I continued to read, I realized that they were just sharing something they do, and some may find it useful. Rarely does anyone claim that they are an expert.
However, I feel the most important point of today's post is not that others are better at many things than you are, it is that we must always be careful of letting perfectionism getting in the way of doing things.
Yes, yes, yes. There are always going to be people who are better at other things. It's just how life is. So we have to decide how we're going to handle that. Will we pull into our shells and play it safe, or will we stick our non-expert neck out and help someone else?
I would also add one other reaction to that reader (who I hope wasn't me?? I don't recall writing anything like that! 🙂 ). I think your blog serves as an invaluable source for inspiration that has nothing to do with teaching. I know how to save food just fine thank you, but you reminding me about what you're doing every week gives me motivation to clean out my fridge before I go grocery shopping. Just one example of many. I ebb and flow in my frugality (um, I bought sushi last night even though I had a full fridge at home, doh!), but I find blogs like yours really help to stay motivated.
Oh yes, I understand just what you mean. I know perfectly well HOW to declutter, but there's something about seeing someone else's decluttering project that actually gets me off my rear to go and DO the decluttering.
Preach! If any of us waited until we were an "expert" in anything before sharing our expertise with anyone, we would never say a word. What an arrested world it would be!
Thank you! It is a good reminder that we can help even if we are not experts! I love that you give your opinion on frugal stuff, but simultaneously acknowledge others preferences, or strong points or financial resources! With your photography tips, iI always feel I can just take away what applies to my situation (eg no fancy camera, nit seeking amazing pictures, just better)! I've sometimes felt afraid to teach piano, or accompany, because I fear I'm not good enough! I think you are very humble in your posts. Instead of merely pointing out what you were lacking in, the commenter maybe could have extended an offer of help/info/tutoring, etc.
Ah, Kristen, there are always some people who make themselves feel better by putting others down, and the anonymity of the internet makes it easier for them to do so. Your blog is about frugality and you are showing us how you do it. If that includes painting your own furniture, baking your own bread great. If I wanted an expert, I would go find one, but what is wonderful about your site, is that you show us that any of us can do these things. That we do not have to be experts at it. It is like an extended family, passing knowledge around. Please, continue what you have been doing, by encouraging us to try new things, and doing it with the open heart you have always shown.
I don't know that the comment was actually meant to make me feel put down...I don't want to impugn the motives of the person, and I know it's entirely possible that the commenter was trying to help me because he/she felt so awkward watching me try to help other people, despite my lack of skills.
I just disagree with the idea that we shouldn't help others unless our own skills are super good.
Best post ever!
As someone who suffers from social anxiety, I can relate. I tend to not even share much of anything any more because I know it's terrible.
Oh, but it's probably NOT terrible. Maybe it's terrible when compared to a standard of perfection, but really, all of our stuff is terrible when compared to that!
The idea of perfection is nothing but paralyzing.
I am a long time reader, first time to comment. How awful of someone to write that to you! I would not want to live in a world where people had to wait to be the expert in order to share what they have learned. I appreciate everything you share, even if it doesn't pertain to me, or if that is not my "thing" it might be someone else's thing. I glean what I can where I can when I can, all the rest I leave for another day. Keep doing what your doing, I APPRECIATE YOU!
Thank you!
As someone who struggles with perfectionist tendencies and with taking criticism to heart, I actually really appreciate your posts where you are (1) not an expert, (2) offering some advice, and (3) content with your abilities even though you are still learning.
I look at it as if a friend/co-worker/family member showed me something. I wouldn't expect them to be an expert and would take what tips I can use. I like your writing and if I want to further my learning, I can seek out an expert. I would never have the expectation that you would only speak on things you are an expert on in this space.
SO well said! We are all on different parts of the journey and we should not let perfection be the enemy when it comes to helping others. I was thinking the other day about helping out in a ministry at church, but then talked myself out of it. Why? Because I don't have all the answers. While that is true, I do believe I've learned some things of value that I can pass along to someone who is not as far along as I am. I'm talking specifically about marriage, parenting and home educating. I'm not an expert in any of those areas, however, I'd like to think I've learned some things in 17 years of marriage, 12 years of parenting and six years of homeschooling. The voice inside me says, "You're kids are not fully grown, you can't give advice to someone with toddlers or preschoolers", but is that really true? I believe the answer is "no". Even if someone does not necessarily take my advice (which would not offend me), I CAN still be there to encourage and support someone who needs help along the way. Thank you for writing such a brave and heartfelt post:)
Yes, I've felt the same way when it comes to giving marriage or parenting advice...like, oh, man, I still have so much to learn.
But the fact of the matter is, I do know more than I did when I first got married or when I first had kids, so there's something I can share to help people who are newer newbies than me!
Kristen, you inspire and help me everyday!
Thank you for sticking your hand out.
I have reached out to grab a hold and stretched my other hand out for someone else to grab onto.
Peace and love.
Your willingness to take these risks is a big part of why I like this blog so much.
Exactly! We're all works in progress, all the days of our lives. So that fact that you can and want to add to our joint efforts is really appreciated out here.
Others have said so much of what I think but so much more concise and elegant. I think you and your blog are wonderful. I have never felt like you try to be something you are not. You are inspiring and kind and humble. Thank you for always being such a bright spot in my day.
I really enjoy your blog and this was a great post! Let's face it, nobody knows everything. You're sharing the knowledge you have with others. There are a lot of times when I read your blog and I learn something I didn't know or it makes me think about something in a different way. Keep up the good work and don't let any negativity bother you!
Hi Kristen - I've tried to leave comments a few times before...let's see if this one works!
I am a daily reader of your blog and through it I have learned how to my my family's yogurt, bake bread, mend my husband's clothes, the importance and ease of meal planning, about Schoola, about Ting, about Swagbucks, and learn my new DSLR camera (yay!). I've also become more aware of my family's trash output and religiously participate in your Food Waste Friday's in my house.
I personally don't want to learn from an expert, I want to learn right along with someone. I'm refreshed at how you are open about your failures or missteps because this is real life. And things happen. A lot. You learn from it, and have passed that along to us readers. You have a lifelong reader in me 🙂
I just read through the comments on this, what I'm sure Kristen didn't expect to be such a popular blog post, particular comment by Savannah stuck out.
"I personally don’t want to learn from an expert, I want to learn right along with someone." I feel the same way.
Maybe there are to groups of people. Those people who prefer to learn from 'experts' (or at least, someone with an education or decades of experience with a topic), and others who prefer to 'learn right along with someone'.
If this is true, and I think it might be, I believe your target audience just might be that second group.
You have my respect and love just because you didn't listen to those voices and hit publish so we can read this post.
Thank you.
I super duper love this post! Thank you!!
And side note: You seem to know more about all the subject areas that you write about than I do, so whenever you're about to post something and those thoughts start to creep in, feel free to think to yourself, "Well, at least this will probably be helpful to Kayla" haha
Haha-I'll keep that in mind. I'll write for Kayla every day! 😉
A different Kayla here, but I'll enjoy it if you write for me every day! :). I love your blog and have learned a lot from you in many areas. Keep up the good work.
I'll write for both Kaylas.;)
If your detractors are dissatisfied, all they have to do is stop following.....keep up the good work as you ARE appreciated.
Blessings!
This is definitely true as a rule...although I do want to make it clear that not everyone who has a dissenting opinion is necessarily a detractor. I think I tend to file people under "detractor" when they're not gentle, or are out and out rude.
I don't remember where or when I found your blog. I do know that since I have, I read it every day because you are someone I can relate to. Mind you, I'm 62, single, no children. How do I relate? I appreciate your values, your faith, and your journey. Thank you for teaching me what you are learning.
Oh, I have the same struggle, Kristen! For whatever it's worth ... I tend to seek out people who are more advanced than I am on different topics but avoid "experts" because I find that they are easier to understand. For instance, your photography comments and smartphone comments are more helpful to me because you avoid techno-speak and know how to relate to newbies.
I've written two books on art/antiques because there was a gap in information out there. I thought to myself, "Why doesn't someone write a book about that?" Then I thought, "Well, why don't I?" And I did. It was scary because I am not the ultimate expert on either topic--those would be university professors and museum curators--but I hoped my enthusiasm and love for the topics would be enough. Sometimes while writing the first one, I lost a bit of nerve, but I thought to myself, "I'll do the best I can and that has to be enough." And while there have been a few detractors--some of them those professors and curators who are jealous--mostly the response has been very positive. And I'm the one who wrote the books, not them. Sometimes you have to be courageous and just go for it.
Thank you for this comment. I needed to hear it! 🙂
Oh dear Kristen.... I love your blog! And this post, in response to some criticism you rec'd, is FABULOUS. I agree, there's always going to be someone more experienced yet there's also always going to be someone less experienced. I echo Chrissy when she posted that she appreciates your values, your faith and your journey. YOU make a positive impact on many people every day! Thank you for sharing your life and your family and your gifts. God bless!
Well written! I find often times it's not that a person necessarily KNOWS more about a certain topic, I know a lot about being frugal, BUT you choose to DO more frugal things than me and that is precisely why I read your blog. It's an encouragement, a kick in the butt if you will, to actually act on that knowledge. Sometimes I don't feel like bagging my own groceries at Aldi and would prefer to go someplace else but your blog reminds me that it's so worth it. Sorry that was kind of wordy.:-)
Kristen, I can understand that someone might think you are giving out advice you aren't completely qualified to share, but tell me, who is totally qualified? Who decides who is that one who is qualified?
I immediately thought of parenting. If we all waited until we were experts at parenting to have children, the world's population would long ago have dwindled to nothing. And how would we become experts without having the kids in the first place? Are we experts when are we finished learning anymore about how to parent? When would that be? (Hint, it doesn't end when they grow up. It just changes) Many skills are a "learn as you go" skill, and parenting is one of the biggest, to me. Mothers seek other mothers to ask questions. Dads talk to other dads. Jane's mom asks John's dad how he got John to do his homework. We share, we listen, we advise. We tell what worked and didn't work for us. We keep learning, and as we do, we share our successes and failures. Is an 80 year old mother of 12 grown children and 30 grandkids the expert? Chances are, she'd smile and say, "I don't have all the answers. Not one child is like another, honey." I think your commenter isn't thinking this all the way through. You are learning, we are learning, and we all share what we learn. It might or might not work for others. In fact, LIVING is the biggest learn as you go skill. Now, who is the expert there?
Hello Kristin,
I hardly ever write comments ... until now.
I was always doing things when I surely knew it would be perfect. When it would be only good then I would not take action. After realizing that I almost never do what I enjoy because "it's not good enough" I had a very serious talk with me. Since then I try to have fun and joy. That's better than to try to be perfect (and as you said nobody will ever reach perfection). There is a saying: "... believe that the perfect is the enemy of the good, and that it is better to make progress than to reach an impasse."
If everybody would be so generous as you are we all would benefit from another.
Thank you for your writing. May God be with you and bless you.
Petra
Amen...progress over impasse! I love that.
Kristen,
I love your blog and have read it for years. I am not perfect in many areas and love to hear your opinion in a variety of topics. I am not a homeschooler or a do-it-yourself person...but you encourage me to stretch my wings & try new things. I became both a bread baker & maker of homemade yogurt because of you. You don't have to be perfect to write an interesting blog. Thank you for writing (I wish you went back to every day.)
Plus, sharing what we have learned helps us remember that we HAVE learned. It's way too easy to focus on what we don't yet know rather than give ourselves kudos for what we know now that we didn't used to know. Please, go right on sharing--even us old folks (I'm 68) learn from your posts.
My mom is way better in the kitchen than I am but she is not a teacher and preferred to work by herself. This is not a criticism...she has many gifts but delegating or showing someone how was not her strong point. She never taught me how to cook, I learned from cookbooks after I married. I helped my teenage boys in the kitchen and they have their standard meals they can do. Should I not have taught them because I was not nearly as talented as my mom? There are many experts who aren't in a position to share their knowledge so the rest of us have to jump in. Thanks for your blog!
I love your blog, expert or not. (And I would to say that your Fluffy Hamburger Buns changed my baking life!)
So good, aren't they? I'd pretty much rather eat those than donuts. Nom, nom.
What I adore about your posts is the realness of them. Of course you aren't perfect. You are human. We all are. But I love is how you write your blogs. It is the love with which you write your posts that attracts me. You are perfect in your imperfection to me.
I think it can often be the case that the issue isn't how expert somebody is at something, but how good they are at teaching. There are things I am quite good at--like knitting--that I am terrible at teaching. There are other things I am not-so-great at, like playing guitar, that I can teach pretty well, at least to the point where I am. Sometimes when we are really, really good at things, especially if it's something that comes naturally to us, it can be difficult to get into the mindset of a person just starting out or struggling, and that can hinder teaching. A person who is still learning in that area, or who has struggled in that area, though, often has a very good sense of where the learners are and can meet them there. (FWIW, when I teach about writing instructions--which I'm doing right now in my online classes--I often suggest to my students that they *don't* choose a topic on which they are really an expert, because that often ends up being a whole lot harder than people imagine. People tend to do best when choosing a task that they have recently learned or that they know a bit about and are interested in learning more in.)
I'm in a position this year of assisting in some co-op classes where I am objectively quite a bit more qualified to teach than the lead teachers. However, the lead teachers are doing a great job, and often the best teaching they do comes from asking questions or realizing they made a mistake and showing students how to step back and correct them. You don't need a ton of expertise to teach something, especially if your goal is not to create experts but to introduce people to the basics.
And who really doesn't have any room to improve? If we waited until we were as good at something as we could possibly be to teach others, nobody would ever teach!
You have TON to teach me! And you are! So, thank you. 🙂
I'm amazed anyone could say that. It isn't as though you come off as a know-it-all on a high horse. You don't at all. You're just sharing what you know, and that's awesome! And helpful! And for the record, you know way more than me about every topic you blog about; that's why I'm a reader! 🙂
Great post, Kristen! There are probably lots of experts out there that aren't particularly interested in sharing and teaching, and aren't particularly effective communicators. Your unique blend of skills provides value in a way that someone with a greater of degree of expertise in one narrowly focused area would never be able to do.
Thank you for this piece, Kristen. I absolutely have the tendency to "pull in." It has been a lifelong struggle. I think when someone like you makes these points, I feel that I have "permission" to be imperfect, yet still offer my best to others, which may be of value even if it is in some way, "deficient." As you aptly reminded, there will always be someone who knows more or has greater skill or aptitude, no matter what subject.
I am surprised by that comment. I personally think if it was only 'experts' teaching/showing/demonstrating etc I would feel like I could never attain it. We are all real people who do what we can in our imperfect human way. Even 'experts' make mistakes and learn through experience, goodness the amount of experts in their field who do a complete 180 on what they preach (eg child rearing, scientific theories) shows we are not stagnant. We are all constantly learning and at different stages, so being afraid to put ourselves out there helps no one. Thank you I really enjoy this website and am another lurker 🙂
Long time reader. Very rarely a commenter.
So, there was an early 20th century Russian psychologist named Lev Vygotsky (bear with me, I promise it will make sense). He had an idea called the Zone of Proximal Development. His theory was that children learn best when presented with tasks and ideas that are just slightly beyond their current capabilities. With a coach, teacher, or slightly more advanced peer helping them they could move beyond what they had already mastered in order to attain mastery of that new task or idea. This helper does not have to be perfect or an expert, merely know just that little bit more than the learner. Vygotsky died young, and it's too bad. He had some great ideas.
You don't have to be an expert to help someone learn. You just need to know a little bit more than them. I don't know everything about human anatomy. But I know more than my 7 year old. When he has a question, I can help him find the right answer. Along the way he's helped me learn new ways to teach him and to learn myself. Teaching and learning are not a one way street - delivered from an expert to a novice. It is a collaborative experience. I'm sure you've experienced this with your children.
As others have stated, experts are often not the best choice as teachers. It is much more difficult to teach something that one has already completely mastered. Think of the teachers you might have had who had difficulty explaining a simple concept. They were so far beyond the stage when they learned that concept that they had forgotten what it was like to not know it.
So, thank you for not being perfect. Thank you for not being an expert. You are a learner, just like the rest of us. Please don't feel shame about being a learner. Please don't ever feel like you shouldn't share what you've learned because you are not an expert. And please continue to take risks and share yourself with us. Because that can encourage me to share myself with someone who might need a little help.
That's so interesting...I'd never heard of him before. His idea makes sense, though. If you're presented with something that's way beyond your skill level, it's easy to get completely overwhelmed, whereas if someone shares something just slightly beyond your skill level, it feels do-able.
I love this post - it is true and from the heart. Thank you for sharing your tips, tricks, stories and your vulnerability too! I like that you write about things that are realistic and that I can frugally do to my own home....not unrealistic perfectionism like Martha Stewert.
Oof! The "expert card." Well... here's my take:
I spent 16 years running a music school (which sorta makes me an expert... yuk, yuk.) Seriously though, my job was to hire the teachers, set the curriculum and place students with appropriate instructors. My experience doing all that led me to the somewhat counter-intuitive conclusion that being good at doing something, and being good at teaching something are entirely different skills.
I've actually done a crazy amount of thinking about this topic over the years because it always struck me as odd that very often the really good musicians were just horrible teachers - especially for beginners. It's not universally true, of course, but I found that people who really excelled at music often had a very hard time coming down to the level of their students. They would do things like present a few ideas and then tell the student to "go play with it." The thing is... if the student had the motivation/inclination/wherewithal to simply take the information and run with it, they probably wouldn't need to be signing up for weekly lessons in the first place!
On the flip side, some of the worst musicians were fabulous instructors. I think that when something doesn't come naturally, you're sorta forced to break it down and come up with learning strategies in order to succeed. Those skills seemed to translate really well when it came to helping students figure out how to approach things.
OK, I'll stop blathering now. My point is that you don't have to be an "expert" in order to be able to teach something. And, even though it seems strange, the fact that you're not, might very well make you a better teacher than someone who is.
BTW, one of the things I absolutely adore about your blog is that I have never ever seen you do the whole "Me: high and mighty blogger. You: lowly reader" thing, which annoys me to no end. I totally LOVE that you always speak from your own experience, and it's one of the things that keeps me coming back.
I was SO devastated by my perception of how the painting thing was going in your daughters' room. You handled all of us with such grace AND made YOUR two daughters happy. You are a wonderful mom (not perfect, who is?) and a great blogger. I am always sad when bloggers fade away. Please don't go away anytime soon. I still have so much to learn from you! 😉 Unless it's right for your family........then, go! 🙂
There are some bloggers who retired in their 30s. Blogging income can be great. If I remember I'll come back with their names.
Thanks so much for writing this post - I really like your thought process.
Beautifully put!!! Keep on sharing.
Oh gosh, the first thing I thought when I saw your questionnaire was that it would bring out the moaners! People do love to complain and niggle and find fault! I love your blog and appreciate the advice that you give, and that really is all that matters. Keep doing what you're doing, it makes so many people happy.
Well, that might be true with other communities, but gosh, my people are so lovely, only a very small percentage phrased their comments rudely. Almost everyone who shared what I could improve did it in a constructive and kind way.
I so appreciate you admitting and sharing these thoughts, Kristen. I can imagine how challenging it is to hear something like that, but we all learn (through various means) to improve. I often find myself struggling with that very notion that I'm not 'good enough' in this area or that. My wanting to revive my blog, learning to create and sell stuff on Etsy or just sell lots of 'stuff' on Ebay or wherever that I don't need anymore (homeschooling book, ahem!) definitely falls into this category. Feeling under-qualified. Maybe it is that perfectionistic and fear of failure (not to mention busy season in life) that keeps me from doing these things at the moment. But I like your encouragement in this post. Thank you. And I hope you are encouraged likewise!
It's easy to think that WE are the only ones with those niggling voices, isn't it? Surely everyone else out there confidently marches forth and does their thing! But probably most of us have those doubting thoughts at least sometimes.
What I like about this blog is the feeling I get. I'm getting help from a neighbor or friend who seems to know something I don't. I don't know if I would ask a professional painter for example on how to paint furniture, but I would ask my neighbor who did it before. The community here seems to be very supportive and I like that!
I love reading your blog because it always seems so down to earth. If I had not been reading it my pizza would still be suffering. Following your pizza dough recipe and putting it in a hot oven sure makes a difference! We make them in individual pie tins so everyone is responsible for their own, the tins take a beating at that heat but they sure are good. It also gets me out of having to make a pizza for everyone 🙂
I'm a college professor (normally I am, but I'm taking this semester off to write) and it's sometimes hard for me to teach because some part of my brain thinks that because I don't know EVERYTHING about writing, I shouldn't be teaching writing. I can't bang out a perfect first draft so I clearly must be a fraud and a hack, right??? WRONG.
Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, of the devil, of whatever it is bad in this world that wants to make us feel unloved, insecure, and alone. No, I'm not a perfect writer. Even the third draft of some things I've written are still flawed. Yet, what I know is more than what my students know. And it gives me joy to share with them-- sometimes, they teach me! Teaching is about sharing your knowledge sure, but it's also about learning.
I can relate, though. I just started blogging (about books) and I'd been doing it for about two weeks when a friend of mine-- who had never commented on ANYTHING I'd written before-- sends me a text to tell me about a typo in the blog I'd just published. It hurt my feelings a bit, even though I was glad he caught it and pointed it out and it made me look better (to my 8 readers! LOL) yet some part of me was really dejected that in two weeks the only comment I got of any sort was someone critiquing my errors. (It doesn't help that he's ten years younger and a college student who ask for help with his assignments.) Still, I suppose we have to take those things in a spirit of helpfulness. They may or may not be meant that way, but the only way we can react to these things is to look at the positive.
Keep up the good work! And keep teaching me!
I know the feeling! I'm always happy when someone lets me know about a typo, but happiness is always mixed with a little embarrassment.
The thing about typos is that they're always easy to see in someone else's writing, but hard to see in your own. After you look over your own writing a bunch of times, your eyeballs just seem to have difficulty seeing anything but a sea of words.
At least, that's how it is for me.
I'm not really sure what prompted this post, but I have to say, your blog is one of my favorites! I love the fact that your recipes, DIY projects, sewing skills, etc., seem more "real world" rather than "magazine spread" worthy. More often than not, you make me feel like, I think I could do that! And who doesn't like that feeling?! Sure, I love to look at recipes showing that appear perfectly cooked and so beautifully plated they could be placed in a museum, or DIY projects that appear to be done by a "professional" and 'house beautiful' decorating idea in magazines, but really, who really "lives" in that world! And frankly, the stress of trying to have everything look and be perfect is too much for my taste. I'm more than willing to except "that looks really good" over "it's not perfect, therefore it's not good enough." Keep at the good work!
Hi Kristen, I'm a British lurker who has learnt so much from your blog. It's my favourite read as I find you so inspiring. I think the reason you inspire me is because the things you do - I can do! The fact you're not an expert is what I like. I appreciate the way you alter recipes depending on the ingredients to hand. Speaking of which I want to make your chicken enchiladas this weekend but have no idea where to buy chipotle chilis in adobo sauce in the UK. Do you have a good substitute? Thank you!
Hi Vicki! So glad to see you de-lurk!
That is a really great question. Chipotle chilies have a flavor that is kind of hard to replicate. It's a really smoky sort of spiciness. Do you have access to chipotle salsa, maybe? Or dried chipotle chili powder?
I find my canned chipotles in the Hispanic food section. Is there such a thing in British grocery stores?
I can buy chipotle chilis (I think) but could I just use them as they are? Mexican food is not as popular here but I love spice 🙂
I've never used a fresh chipotle chili, but I'd google to see how to substitute it for the canned variety. Chipotles are pretty spicy so I think you'll love them!
I used chipotle chilli paste I found in the supermarket. They were delicious despite the fact I realised I had no coriander/cilantro right at the last minute! Really spicy. Thanks for the recipe
Sometimes even the loveliest people with the best of intentions can be wrong. You are responding with grace to a very hurtful comment, which is why we love you! There have been maybe three? commenters that have taken issue with what you have said, but the overwhelming ,majority of us are reassured by your humility and your insistence that those voices we all hear are not from God! Please hear us - you have done nothing wrong, you are spreading the good news, you are enough. Bless you, sister.
Wow lots of comments! I'll admit I did not read all of them so this may be echoed above: honestly I don't always read your blog for tips as much as I read it for inspiration. Some of the stuff you do, I already know how to do, but what's great about your blog (and you!) is that maybe the particular WAY you do something is unique. That has value for me! For example: I make yogurt. It's easy and cheap, and maybe I'm better at it than you (can you even be an "expert" yogurt-maker? haha) But it's something that I would never in a million years have come up with on my own as something frugal or even of value to my family. So your blog has enriched my life in that way, regardless of either of our skill at making it! So I guess for me I really value your perspective on life (plus you're pretty expert at a lot of things I don't do or am just beginning to learn). So thanks and keep up the good work!
Your blog is a wonderful thing, Kristen. Count me as another who appreciates what you do! I love that you are welcoming, helpful, honest, and have a great sense of humour. Your posts are like spending time with a good friend 🙂
There's a term I use a lot 'expert enough'. Basically if you know a little more than someone else and it can help them then why not share that info? I have spent a good deal of my life hanging back because I do not know 'everything' to discover that I will never know 'everything' and that it's silly to not feeling worthy to share what I do know. Then when asked advice, and I give it, and people are grateful it makes you wonder why you do not share more.
Wonderful outlook, Jo!
This is a beautiful post.Thankyou for writing this.
Aww, thank you!
Kristen,
You're doing a great job, and I love your blog exactly the way it is! Don't change a thing!
Thank you!
Kristen, I LOVE this post! So, where is the Like or Love It buttons?? I have learnt over the years that just because you have not perfected a skill (and maybe never will) that doesn't mean you can't share what you have learned with those who ask or need your help. I, myself, want to learn to spin fiber into yarn. I have the tools to begin but have been so hesitant to do so because I am afraid of failure. But I will start soon. I just have to work up the courage and self-confidence to do so. Because not trying IS failing! And I want to share my spun yarn and the projects made from it with friends and family. And then I care share my spinning skills with others also. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing your creativity through your blogs!! 😀
I am so glad that you blog and so glad that you posted this particular message. I love your blog and it would be so sad if you didn't do it just because someone else out there might be more of an expert at something. You have a combined set of talents along with a way of posting and teaching that feels comfortable and encouraging and that is just right for me. If I wanted or needed someone who was "more of an expert" I could go out and search for one. But what I want is what you have to offer and I'm so glad that you do. Thank you.
To put yourself out here for all to see and for whomever chooses to to criticize makes you either brave, crazy, or a little of both. Being a blogger and creating an e-course and then having to market it on the internet has made me more vulnerable to attack and criticism than I ever was on the playground or in my home. It's also given me profound respect and admiration for EVERYONE who creates ANYTHING, but most especially, for women like us who create and share from our own experience, handing it all out to whoever happens to be listening.
You're doing wonderfully, and the people for whom the universe is keeping you lit love all that you give. Keep giving and rest assured there's a whole army of us out here who're all doing the same, who know exactly how hard it is, and who're proud and amazed and inspired by you.
You are doing a wonderful job! I look forward to reading your blog every day. You will never please everyone so we just need to please ourselves and do the best that we can. By sharing all your great experiences you have helped many. Keep up the great work 🙂
That you can be real about feedback and still have a mature reaction - it is so priceless on the internet of screaming. THANK YOU. For your blog. For just being you.
1) your Vonage post had me cracking up!!
2) I wanted to share a podcast interview with John and Sherry of Young House Love. They are a young couple that started blogging about home improvement projects. Their audience grew and grew and grew. They have some interesting thoughts to share on being an internet "expert" as well as finding balance in life and blogging. Even though their blog may not have been one you subscribed to I think you would enjoy the interview. http://jesslively.com/johnandsherry
3) keep on keeping on
Amen!
Keep it coming !!
You know a heck of a lot more about cooking and living a frugal life than I do and I'm grateful you're willing to happily share your knowledge with others, especially me. Perhaps the person who made that comment missed the important sharing your knowledge with others part of the post. So here's a public, heartfelt thank you to a very kind, giving, non-judgmental person who willing helps anyone who needs an encouraging word now and then. Thank you. You've helped me more than you will ever know. Patti in New Jersey
Kristen hello, I have never posted on any website before now. I enjoy your postings good or bad (maybe in someone else's opinion) but I simply see you doing your best for your family, friends and readers. Keep on doing what you love, helping others and enjoy your life.
My husband teaches college English and whenever he's teaching something new he reminds himself, "I only have to be one page ahead of the students."
I appreciate you and your blog! Thank you!
You go girl!!! Well said . Congratulations from belgium. Don't listen to those little nasty voices in "your" head. You keep inspiring a lot of people.
You've already gotten so many lovely comments that it almost seems pointless to add to them 🙂 but I just wanted to say, the first thing that popped into my head when I read this post was, "oh, wow!" I was SO surprised that anyone would have that comment/suggestion for you, not that they were trying to be harsh or unkind, but just that I've always noticed you being super cautious/humble when giving advice (like with the photography series... I think you said about one million times, "I know I'm not the world's best photographer, but here's what I've learned!" or the equivalent). Honestly, sometimes I find it easier/less intimidating to learn from someone who doesn't seem like they're light-years ahead of me--someone who has knowledge that I don't, but also remembers what it's like to be in my less-knowledgeable shoes. Ya know? 🙂
(Also I have to smile at your and others' comments about not having a thick skin and also being super conflict averse/sensitive to others' feelings... it's always nice to know I'm not alone!)
Oh, please know that it's never pointless to comment! I love to hear from readers, and every single comment pops up on my blog dashboard, regardless of what post it's on.
And thank you for your kind words!
So true, and yet so hard to remember. It's so easy to get caught up in thinking we're not good enough. I came across a quotation this week that read, "What is obvious to you is amazing to others." It's good to keep that in mind when feeling like you've nothing to offer.
Yes! And if we all share the things that are obvious to us, the world will be full of helpful people.
Such wisdom! Love this post and your words! I too often have those inner voices holding me back but when you put it in a way of helping those behind you, it makes sense! Thanks again!!
Thank you for this. I think for me the voices that run through my head are: There are a lot of people out there already saying and doing the same thing. You're late in the game. Yet, I see blogging and other social media venues as a way of sharing and encouraging other. It helps to know that people want to share, and share so freely. No, it is not about being perfect--it is about being available to encourage those behind you the same as some one did for you.
Again, thank you.
Hi! I really needed to read this. My paralysis stems partially from lack of huge chunks of time & the Not-Being-Perfect-Enough-To-Move-Forward Syndrome! Thank you, This is a push I needed