You don't have to like it; you just have to do it.
This is a phrase that I have most definitely said to my kids.
And I'm pretty sure that my parents said it to me!
There is something in children that makes them think that doing things they don't want to do is some kind of great injustice.
Or that not wanting to do something is reason enough to just not do it.
But it is not limited to just children.
Adults can struggle with this same kind of thinking as well, particularly if they haven't been taught to persevere in the face of the, "I don't feel like doing this!" feelings.
Why not avoid pain?
Of course, there's nothing wrong with trying to design a life with fewer pain points.
And there's nothing wrong with outsourcing things you really hate.
But no matter how much life-optimization we implement, there are just going to be things we have to do even if we don't feel like it.
The pain is in the moment
As I was pondering this, I realized that when we face things we don't want to do, most of the time our two choices are NOT:
- pain
- no pain
Rather, we're looking at a choice between pain now or pain later.
For instance, you can put off paying your bills because you don't feel like it. That'll feel good now, but it certainly will not feel good in 30 days.
You can get takeout instead of cooking, and it'll feel good now, but not when you see your takeout total at the end of the month.
You can procrastinate on car maintenance and your bank balance will feel great now, but not when your car breaks down.
You can ignore your laundry/cleaning tasks and relax at the moment, but if you keep doing that consistently, you'll have no clean clothes and your house will be a disaster. To me, that is not exactly joy-inducing.
You can make sedentary lifestyle choices, which are fun in the moment. But having a body in poor shape for activity is not ultimately enjoyable.
It's true for kids too.
If anything, I think the distance between pain now and pain later is further for kids. A lot of the painful things they do as kids pay dividends in their adult lives, not now.
Kids don't feel like doing math now, but growing to adulthood with no math skills is not pleasant.
They don't feel like doing chores now, but being an adult with no cleaning skills or work ethic is not a recipe for happiness.
They don't feel like learning to be kind, but grownups who aren't kind are not happy people.
How to get over the "I don't feel like it!" hump
I don't think there's a magical way to make yourself feel like doing things you hate. But there are a few things that help me.
Remember you are choosing future pain over current pain.
You're not avoiding pain; you are just delaying it.
And usually, the future pain is worse than the current pain.
That's motivating to me!
Think about the positives of doing The Dreaded Thing now.
Focus on how great you'll feel after tackling The Dreaded Thing. Dreaded Things always look better in the rearview mirror!
Or think about the positive end goal you have (if I keep cooking at home, I can save money for a trip/get out of debt/develop an emergency fund).
Remember it's ok to dislike a task.
Disliking a task doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you and it's not necessarily something that you need to fix. Disliking a necessary task is a pretty common human experience. 🙂
Accept it, acknowledge it, and don't worry too much about changing your feelings. There's no need to shame yourself for disliking something.
For instance, you do not have to love cooking in order to put something on the table at night, and there's some freedom in acknowledging that.
When my kids say, "But I don't want to do X!!", I often respond with, "That's ok. That's understandable, and it's all right to not feel like it."
And I think it's good to say that to ourselves too.
You are so right! I usually offer myself a reward: after I dust (worst job), I will have a treat, go for a walk,order that item I have mulled over enough to justify and still want, call so and so for a nice long chat. It works. But completing the dreaded task is reward in itself, most times.
Oh boy, did I need this today!! Things I do are mainly distractions - podcasts or music while I am doing The Dreaded Thing. With short tasks (like the load of laundry I put in before I left for work today, but could have easily not done), I just look at it as jumping into a cold pool on a hot day. It'll be slightly painful for a minute, but I'll be glad in the end. Sometimes I try to see how much I can get done in a short time, like while my tea is in the microwave, or something is in the oven for just a few minutes.
I also try to think about the good aspects of the Dreaded Thing.
Ooh yes, I love the timer trick. It is amazing what you can get done while something's in the microwave for three minutes.
Love this because I think it's a dying phrase. I hear so many parents trying to tell kids, 'no, it will be fun!'. Then, I'll feel bad because I tend to say, 'yes, this sucks, but let's just get it done and over with.'. Kind of like trying to tell kids a shot won't hurt. Ummmm, yes it does, but in the long run you are saving yourself a lot of pain.
I like the jumping into cold water analogy a previous commenter left.
Yes! I think that's just much more honest.
Sometimes when my kids say, "I really don't want to correct this math lesson!", I say, "I understand. Me neither!" Neither of us wants to do it; it just has to be done, and hopefully they feel a little validated by hearing that mom feels the same way they do.
As a kid, I found it annoying when adults would try to get me to think everything was fun, and I think when adults do that, they can be inadvertently invalidating to kids and their feelings.
I agree with this 100%.
I agree with you don't have to like it you just have to do it when it comes to tasking i.e. laundry, math homework, bathroom cleaning, getting the flu shot etc.
I believe it is far more complex when you are dealing with emotional or relationship issues. If you really don't like it in an emotional/relationship context stop and consider that you really might not want to do it.
Oh yes. I am not remotely qualified to speak to relationships as an expert, and I think that a "suck it up, buttercup" attitude, when applied consistently to a relationship, could be very damaging.
You wouldn't be able to set boundaries or express your wishes/likes/dislikes, etc.
I'm speaking to more mundane things!
The phrase for that is usually, "suck it up buttercup."
There are a couple of things that help me out in those situations. I have a tendency to procrastinate on making phone calls to deal with things, or getting paperwork taken care of. I don't know why, but I just dread it. The thing is, when I finally do take care of it, it's almost always no big deal. I try to remember that. The other thing is, when I have something I need to do, I write it on the white board in my kitchen. I won't erase it until it's done. Seeing that memo all the time motivates me to get it done so I can stop looking at it!
I often say that the dread of a thing is often worse than the thing. It's been true so often in my life, and I see it in my kids' lives too.
@Lisa S, I hear you! I dread paperwork and phone calls, too! But you and Kristen are right; the dread of the thing is worse than the thing, and the thing ends up not being a big deal after you do it.
Another way to motivate oneself and make the future pain more relatable, is to talk about Current Me and Future Me. "Future Me is grateful that Current Me is doing the laundry, so that Future Me doesn't have to stay up till 1 am on a workday."
I'm now mature enough that asking the questions "How badly will I feel if I don't do the thing?" or "How good will I feel, having done the thing?" do motivate me. They would not have motivated my 25 year old self.
I do this, too. Earlier this fall, Current Ruth dreaded canning applesauce with my small children at home and no help. But I kept reminding myself that Future Ruth would be so thankful that I sucked it up and did it as it's not unusual to go through 2 or 3 quarts a week and it's such a blessing to always have delicious applesauce on hand.
Current Kristen has a pot of apples on the stove right now for just such a reason!
Good topic! We try to make tasks the kids don't like to do gently humorous, if possible. I'll tell them that, as the World's Meanest Mother, they have to endure horrible things unknown to others such as changing their bed sheets. Something that I have found to be helpful with kids is to let them choose the time frame for completing a task--for instance, that fresh sheets need to be on their beds by bedtime that day. I think it helps for them to have a measure of control over WHEN something occurs rather than for me to dictate everything.
That's a nice compromise.
Thank you for this wisdom on this Monday morning. I needed to hear it 🙂
I said this to my kids many a time. I had it said to me. I asked my kids why they shouldn't have to do "it" and they never had good answers. I also reminded them that their dad and I did many things we didn't like to do, but had to be done. I think this is good parenting. No one should grow up thinking others should do everything for him or her, just because it's an unpleasant task. Although, I think I've met some people who were raised that way!
These days, I find that giving myself a deadline is the best way to make me do a dreaded thing. That, plus, I just hate living in dread!
And Lisa S., I detest making those phone calls and filling out that paperwork too!
I try to focus on what the positive aspect of getting the thing done will bring. I hate cleaning the bathroom as I have knee problems and it's nearly impossible to clean around the toilet properly without kneeling. I will envision a clean bathroom which makes me very happy and that will inspire me to get it done. If I feel too lazy to cook I envision the tasty meal I will make and how it will nourish me. This doesn't change how I feel about the thing, but rather gives me a reward to look forward to which lessens the sting of having to do it.
Great advice for household chores (and office work tasks, too). For me, the hardest part of "the dreaded task" is actually getting started. So I often set very small, easily attainable goals to get started. Once I have started a task, I usually keep going until the task is complete.
The conversation in my head often goes like this.......
"Ugh, how did I let three loads of clean laundry pile up without folding them. That will take me all morning to fold. Ok, just fold the first 10 items you touch. (20 minutes later with all clothes folded) Ha, that went quicker than I thought."
"Ugh, I really don't feel like jogging today. Ok, I will walk on the treadmill for 5 minutes. (30 minutes and very sweaty) Ha, I had more energy than I thought."
So many times when my kids would whine "I don't want to", I would answer, "you don't have to want to. You just have to do it " I thought I invented that idea. They certainly grew up with great work ethics. Sometimes I need someone to say that to me now.
"No way through it but to do it!"
I had a high school teacher who said that all the time and I has stuck with me. I tell myself that a lot, because it helps me focus on the end goal - being done with it!
I like that Lorraine, that is good thinling
or even thinking...
I think I say the "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it" to my kids, too, and I'm pretty sure my mom said it to me.
Most of my kids are younger, so a lot of times I do things with them if they are really in a funk about doing them. I know that when I really, really don't want to do something--assuming it's a normal task and not something truly terrible to do, like cleaning up vomit or something--it's usually because I don't really feel like I know what I'm doing. I'm much more likely to not want to cook dinner if I either haven't even decided what I'm going to make or if it's something I haven't made before or to put off a chore when I feel like I don't have a good system for doing it.I find the same is usually true of my kids. Sometimes I can be too quick to assume I've adequately shown them how to do something or that they already know how to do it.
I'm also a big believer in timers. Some things I tend to put off doing--taking out trash, putting away folded laundry, etc.--I will just time myself doing. Once you realize the task takes 2 minutes and 11 sections, you feel a lot sillier dragging your feet on it. I'll do the same with my kids, and remind them that they can get all their toys picked up in 4 minutes if they work at it.
2 minutes and 11 *seconds*.
Timer trick - I do the same thing!!! Once I realized that I could empty the dishwasher in under 4 minutes, it seemed ridiculous that I was avoiding that chore (and making more work for myself) ALL DAY.
My mom always said, "It doesn't have to be fun, it just has to be done!" Same concept. 🙂 And yes, I find myself saying it to my daughter. I agree, some things just are a pain, but they need to be done! Like diagramming language sentences today. I don't know who suffered more, me or my daughter. LOL But it got done!
It was probably equally distributed suffering.
One thing we do is have a list of "bite-sized" tasks. This was an effort on my part to get some help around the house. So every day we pick a number from 1-115 and then whatever it is, we each do one task, for 5-10 minutes ONLY. Instead of hearing, "can I do it tomorrow?" It's JUST 5-10 minutes, which ads up to about an hour and a half of chore work per week when, before? chore time was zero. We also have a goal of not making it perfect, but BETTER. So we just dust the railing. Period. It does not have to glisten or sparkle (although it sometimes turns out that way). But having a goal of 5-10 minutes a day, small tasks and make it "better" shuts down the arguments and procrastination.
Thanks for this today! I like how you explicitly made the statement of how the true comparison is not "pain vs. no pain", but "pain now vs. pain later". I think I will use this in the future with the children I teach.
So true. I once had a job where they tried everyone to be happy all the time about every boring thing. I felt like Wednesday on that summercamp.
Usually I start my day with the most difficult or dreaded task. After that, I feel extra motivated for the rest of my day.
Exept the worst thing in my old woodheated house: cleaning the ceiling and walls from dust and spider webs.
Since I found out I hate the dust in my eyes and getting dirt in my hair, too, I come prepared: dinner`s in the insta, hair`s tucked under a scarf with generous amounts of oil, and I wear safety glasses, knowing in the end all is well 🙂
Trying to be happy about everything SOUNDS like the right thing to do. But I think it can actually start to feel exhausting. Some things are just not happiness-inducing, like cleaning spider webs!
Wow, some great ideas here! This whole concept is one I need to keep telling myself. I keep forgetting!
This is so timely for me - I got up today & thought 'that's it, I'm getting 'it' done!' then I log on later & read this, so many good comments & suggestions, thanks - I especially love the timer idea - I do this with tasks sometimes 'I'll see how much I can get done in 15min' then before I know it it's 2hrs later & I feel so good at what I've achieved 🙂
After some major illnesses over the past decade I'm appreciating the mundane, boring or painful job I used to procrastinate about. When you literally cannot do them they become much more appealing even if they are painful!
So now when I face that feeling of not wanting to get something done I try to change my perspective. I remind myself how I felt when I couldn't do it. And instead of telling myself I have to do it...I change it to I 'get' to do it. So many people don't get the opportunity to work hard, cook, clean, maintain a nice home. It needs to be considered a privilege, not a chore.
Are you familiar with the Pair o' Ducks (Paradox) of Emotions? Yay Duck and Yuck Duck both float in the same pond. Yuck Duck sees the hard/yucky side of things and Yay Duck sees the good side of things. We recently learned about this concept and it's helped my kids be able to verbalize that a project/transition/event can be both good AND hard and both feelings are understandable and valid. Even my three year old has understood the concept and it's been useful in conflicts and in household chores! 🙂
You are so right! This thinking relates to so many things. Impulse spending, not delaying instant gratification, delaying maintenance (car, home, appliances, hygiene, pets, kids) Does anyone else think self-discipline is no longer learned?)