Two other thoughts about introversion+mothering, plus a winner!
Actually, how about the winner first? Maria, commenter 143, is the winner of the $50 Safeway gift card. Congrats, Maria! Enjoy your free groceries. 🙂
And then I just have two sort of quick thoughts I wanted to share about the introversion/mothering topic.
Thought the First
The years of your life with children under the grade school age can be tough, because kids of that age can't understand a need for alone time and as a rule, they aren't really all that fabulous at being independent.
So, for those of you in the throes of life with very small people, it's important to remember that they will NOT be small forever. The infant/toddler/preschooler stages are indeed stages, which means that they have an end.
While I'm not a fan of constantly wishing for the next stage of life (it's better to just focus on the good parts of the stage you're in), on the hard days it is sometimes helpful to remind yourself that one day, your children will all sleep through the night, that they'll be able to get up by themselves, and that they won't need you for every single thing.
Thought the Second
While it's important to know yourself and to know what habits and practices make it easier for you to be patient/kind/cheerful, etc, it's important to not let introversion-care be an idol of sorts in your life.
For instance, it's easy for me to think that I simply can't be kind and patient if I haven't had alone time to recharge.
Sure, it's easier for me to be a kind and patient mom when I've had alone time (and when I've had enough sleep and when there's not too much going on in the schedule and when my children are being good and when I'm healthy and when it's sunny outside...you get the picture!)
The thing is, though, there are going to be plenty of times when situations can't be ideal, and I can't allow, "Oh, I haven't had enough alone time!" to be an excuse. I still need to try to be a kind, patient, involved, and compassionate mom.
For me, that looks like extra prayer (God says he gives grace to the humble, so I try to humble myself and ask!), an effort to love my kids more than I love myself, and reminding myself that my kids' needs are the same whether or not I've had my needs met.
Don't think I do this perfectly, though...the reason I've even thought to share this is that it's an often-present temptation for me, and I give in to it way more often than I'd like.
Ok. I think that's all I have to say about this for now!
And I promise we will be back to frugal talk around here tomorrow. Maybe with a pizza-making tutorial.
I really like how honest you are about introversion and how it might not always co-function that well with other things in life, but how it`s all about making it work.
That's a very good point - I think I've been guilty of using the fact that I'm an introvert as an excuse for not being as patient as I should be. I'd never thought of it like that before, but now you've made me think 🙂
I agree - it's sometimes hard to be patient/kind/the kind of parent you want to be when your own needs (whatever they may be) haven't been met.....but it's important to keep trying anyway. I need to keep that firmly in mind. I try and enjoy all the stages my son goes through - I like the idea of focusing on the GOOD parts of each stage. :=-))
also, would love a pizza making tutorial - my previous attempts at making pizza have produced less than stellar results.:-))
It's also important to remember that our children are a gift from God that will help us to adapt to different scenarios in th future. I have a good friend who is an introvert and her daughter is a huge extrovert and it has encouraged her to be more outgoing. She has set up boundaries and times with her small children called alone time. She takes mommy alone time for 2 to 5 minutes when she feels life is getting to be to much... just long enough to breathe and pray through it. I am sorry you are dealing with this challenge, but you are amazing and strong and God will carry you through it.
It's hard when you know your child will never grow beyond wanting your constant attention and will never be independent in any meaningful way. When even the bathroom for five minutes is not undisturbed alone time. Being impatient would never be an option either as the child would never understand and take it very badly. You can't upset a child in that manner because your tired worn out and need five minutes alone time. You make the most of the smiles and laughs and fun and store it up and draw on this as much as you can when you need it. That's my way of being frugal and introvert : )
Big hugs. That would be a really difficult situation to be in.
I was thinking as I read your post that as the mom of a child with special needs, I'm still waiting for some really difficult stages to end. At almost 12, my son still needs way more help on a daily basis in some areas (like sleeping and dressing and using the bathroom) than I ever thought he would at this age, and it's incredibly draining. It's hard to reconcile life as I know it with the way I thought things would be---you'd think I'd have a handle on this after so many years, but I don't. And I lack critical support from my family, so that makes it harder. But on the other hand, my son is so bright and self-directed academically that he requires very little from me in that regard, which is useful considering that we homeschool! He reads on his own for long periods of time and works on the computer happily as long as I let him. I do get time to myself because of that. So I try to focus on the good and the fact that our situation does improve over time. Trying to rush things makes it way worse, so I've had to become very zen about it. For a recovering type-A perfectionist, that in itself is an important lesson!
SUCH a great reminder! Even though I'm not an introvert, I'm really good at coming up with reasons for not being patient, or whatever it is my little girl needs at the moment. Good reminder that today is all we have , but it's not wrong to look forward to a day when they're a little older & a little more independent!
Even when it is difficult to do so, we must endeavor to behave with kindness and patience toward our children, of course, with our friends and family, too, but also with everyone we come into contact with during our daily round. Even complete strangers deserve a polite greeting when we come into a store or go up to the counter to pay for our purchases. The hardest commandment for me to keep: "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."
Beautifully put! (As usual)
They grow so fast. My daughter is about to turn 8. I can't believe it. Whenever I feel my patience start to erode, I remember that I only get my children for so many years. Every time I get asked to put the arm back on a star wars figure (for the millionth time) I remember that one day I'll long for a little tap at the elbow and a 'Mommy, Yoda's arm's come off!' plea once more.
I've really enjoyed these two posts. I'm guilty of excusing myself for my lack of patience when I'm tired or frazzled. I'm more conscious of it lately and I'm trying to transcend the circumstance by leaning more heavily on the Lord at those moment when it's just so beyond me to be kind and patient. 🙂
Looking forward to the pizza tutorial. I'd like to take mine from good to excellent.
Thanks for the post. I agree on being the mom* and not finding excuses to continue being the Mom* always, though it is hard at times, but that's just it, a time* it too will pass.....Do I make sense, lol?
Thank you so much! I can't believe I won! Please let me know if I need to do anything. I love your blog and thank you for your words of wisdom.
Great points Kristen. Situations are rarely ideal and excuses just aren't ideal. I think it's a great thing to teach our kids that excuses are just that, excuses. It's often easy to make them, but better to avoid them and accomplish things.
None of us do it perfectly, we just have to aim to do our best and give ourselves grace.
I am deep in the throes of the little ones stage right now, and yes, I'm looking forward to them being a little older. It's not that there aren't great things going on now, but it's impossible to "treasure every moment" as some folks who seem to have amnesia suggest. I liken my feelings at the moment to senior-itis that last year of high school. It's not that high school isn't great...it's that part of you is also ready to move on by the time you've been there for 4 years. Someday they will all be able to buckle themselves into the car!
Yeah. I mean, it's important to savor the good moments, but honestly, there is NOTHING about, say, the potty training stage that I treasured. It was all bad and I was over the moon when I finished potty training Zoe.
I'm joining this discussion late, but I wanted you to know I think you are spot-on. Staying home with my kids was exhausting emotionally--but now that they are 9 & 7, I can say that it was well worth it. There were definitely days when I wanted to pull my hair out, though. Thing is, your kids are always watching you and how you handle stressful situations ... which was a huge motivator for me to model calm reactions (I did NOT always succeed at this and I think we moms need to forgive ourselves when we occasionally lose it--and try to figure out a way to avoid it in the future).
It was helpful for me to have a time-out for myself during the day, so I too allowed limited TV usage and I would do something for myself (take a shower, exercise) during that time. I have a couple of other suggestions--check your local library to see if they have books on CD--my kids enjoyed hearing "someone else" read and if I needed a 5-10 minute break, this was helpful. If you have a friend who has kids, see if you can trade kids periodically and give each other a break. Also, while I never did this, I think it's a great idea--employ a "mother's helper"--maybe a responsible girl who is too young for babysitting but would like the experience of working with kids--pay her a small amount and have her watch the kids for a half hour/hour or so while you stay at home and get stuff done (or hide!).
I haven't seen any posts from people on the "other side," so I thought I'd speak from someone who has lived the years all of you are going through and what I would do if I could turn back the clock.
1. First and foremost, I'd get my sleep. I remember functioning on fumes through the majority of those years because the only time for me was late at night; however, when we're sleep-deprived, spills appear bigger than they are, crying sounds louder than it is, sibling rivalry seems more explosive and annoying than it is, and most importantly, my patience was always shorter than it should have been. Experts say that adults, believe it or not, need 7-9 hours sleep/night. I know I got much less than this.
2. I would have captured more days with pictures and journaling. I was a scrapbooker, so I did a lot of this, but I wish I had done more. My 17-year-old and 23-year-old look at those scrapbooks now and LOVE them, but there was so much more that I wish I had memories of. If you're a picture-taker, find some way to write those memories down. If you're a scrapbooker, don't get so caught up in the craft that you miss the memories. Your kids will enjoy looking at pictures of themselves years from now, but if the memories aren't written down, and you don't remember them (trust me - you will forget a lot of these years), your kids will wonder what happened and why you took a picture of it.
3. Teach your kids to love reading. We, as a human race, should never stop learning. Learning and reading go hand-in-hand. Kids learn patience when they read because it takes time to get to the end, but the journey expands their vocabulary, imagination and intelligence!!! If they love to read, they learn to appreciate the journey and are willing to pursue it. Also, when your kids are teenagers, they will suddenly know everything, and you'll be dumb as rocks (this is only a slight exaggeration). You can try to unpack all your wisdom on them, but you'll still be a rock. HOWEVER, if you tell them to Google it (or whatever the search engine trend is by then), they will if they have the patience to read. Lastly, and most importantly, if they love reading, they might learn to love God's Word, the greatest book there is.
Enjoy these years. Cherish them!
(Kristen, sorry to hi-jack your blog)
Tonya Lawson
46-year-old wife, mother, homeschooler and Children's Pastor