Keeping Things Simple | Family Dinners
So.
Tsh Oxenreider (from The Art of Simple) has just come out with a new book (Notes from a Blue Bike
), and I'm participating in the blog tour associated with the book. I haven't received my copy yet, but hopefully I will soon!
<obsessively checks mailbox>
Notes from a Blue Bike is about living intentionally and at a slower pace, and so for this blog tour, all of us are writing about what it looks like for us to live slower, simpler, or with more intention.
I think I could use some help in this area, so I'm really excited to get my book and dig into it.
Since I sometimes feel like my life is moving by a little bit too fast, at first, I wasn't sure what I would write about for this tour. But as I thought about it more, I realized that we do have some slow aspects to our lives that I kind of take for granted.
Probably the best slow thing we do (and the one we are most consistent with) is our family dinner.
Almost without fail, we eat six dinners out of seven together every week (and the one we miss is just because Mr. FG and I have a date night.)
Our consistency with this is partly due to Mr. FG's work schedules, which always seem to be a little bit abnormal, and which make it hard to participate in evening activities. And it's also partly due to our commitment to keep our lives and our children's lives a bit on the unscheduled end of things.
There are so many great extra-curricular activities our kids could be involved in, but we feel strongly that family time and unscheduled free time need to be a priority and we also would prefer that our kids do fewer things well than do many things passably.
So for now, music lessons and martial arts are the two extra-curriculars that they participate in and that's it.
Occasionally, I wonder if that's enough because it seems like everyone else is involved in eleventy-billion activities. And I used to sometimes feel bad that we didn't have enough money to put our kids into all those activities.
But at the end of the day, I'm still pretty darn positive that the meals we share and the quiet(-ish!) weekends and the unstructured playtime are going to have a seriously positive impact on our kids, and those things can be had on a budget of nearly any size.
(Just in case disclaimer: I'm not trying to tell anyone else that they should operate just like we do. I'm just saying that this is what works for me and my family. And also that I think it's totally ok to limit outside activities and that it's pretty awesome to eat dinner together regularly.)
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So, what about you? Are there any helpful ways that you keep your life from moving at a lightning pace?
Good morning Kristen
Good timing with the post. I was just at a lecture the other night at my church focusing on the spiritual paths of families. Interesting topic that had very useful everyday practices, etc. However, the number one item that they mentioned that you should instill in your children, wasn't going to church or praying all the time, but having family meals (whether it is breakfast, lunch, dinner). The speaker mentioned how 99.9% of the family meals are not phenomenal, but it sets up a time when the family is together and tuned in to each other... not the phones, not tv, etc. With life so busy, before you know it, the kids are grown and out of the house, and you don't even know them! (and vice versa). It is intentionally saying/doing that you are imortant in my life, and I don't want to share this time with sports, media, etc. I want to know and love you. It may not come across like that during these meals, but over time, realization occurs that this is important and so is family.
Lisa
I grew up with family meals and lots of unstructured playtime. Of all the events in my life, those experiences are what I remember most and fueled my imagination better than any structured activity, outside of church. The time to reflect and play is often underestimated in importance to our happiness and creativity. Thank you for the nice post, Kristen.
My kids are still young (all under 4), and so we are living the toddler life now. Which is wonderful, if sleepless. However, I do hope that I can start now learning how to live simply and intentionally. I know that once they get older, start school, and begin to have many options for activities that we will need to be able to make healthy, happy choices together. I used to teach in a small school system. I have strong feeling about kids being TOO involved. It is important to learn to prioritize, even when young.
I am at the other end of the spectrum. My kids are grown and long gone. I am supposedly retired. And just last night, I was making a list of all that was overwhelming me I felt I had so much to do. Part of it is relationship, not DH, issues pressing, part is my part time job which I seem to pile it on deeper and deeper (my job is about what I make it), and part is about shoulds in my life. And part of which makes it overwhelming is that my priority to my health and well being is pretty high. Guess it sounds like I am venting a bit. But I was amused that I had a pretty long list and supposedly was retired and definitely don't have anyone dependent on my (my DH is very independent and self sufficient, I am very lucky). So, in terms of where I am in my life, I am finding it a choice to keep life simpler and slower (and I know I do better then) that I need to make and one which life sometimes makes it hard.
I am a huge fan of family dinners! I think they make a big difference in our kids growth, plus they can be fun. It's an opportunity to learn how to converse, be patient, thoughtful, kind, etc., plus it is great supportive and encouragement time. Michael Hyatt had a helpful and interesting podcast on how to have great family conversation. You can find it on his blog if you do a search: #067: How to Have Better Dinner Conversations [Podcast].
I completely feel you about the eleventy-billion activities! Our boys are only 3 + 5, and almost every kid in my son's preschool class is in several activities along with school 3 mornings a week. I'm surprised at how crazy it is at such a young age! Right now, out boys are in no extra activities outside of school. They will be starting swim in a month, but that's only because they NEED to know how to swim, especially with going to visit relatives in AZ for a few weeks without us (and most relatives have a pool). They will each go to one week long summer camp as birthday gifts, but we are otherwise keeping it simple right now. My 5 year old currently dislikes sports and would rather spend time building Legos with us or doing art. His little brother is interested in all sports and after one season of soccer, we realized that we're not ready for that commitment as a family yet. They have time to learn sports and instruments, but for now I'm happy to just let them be 🙂
I have strong feelings about over-scheduling and you are making SUCH a wise choice. My kids are now 8 & 10--our priorities with time were similar to yours and I am happy we kept it simple! (I also insisted on swimming lessons as we live in an area with lots of lakes so swimming/fishing/camping are frequent activities for us). The kids who were in, as you say, eleventy-billion activities as toddlers (and even more during school age) are not any more socially skilled or academically advanced than ours, and none of them are on the track to be future Olympians, or to attend Julliard. You are letting your children pursue their own interests in their own timing and kudos to you! They truly aren't "missing out" and they just might be gaining something those over-scheduled kids aren't getting.
I think something we don't think enough about as families is the need to teach our kids what it means to be in a family. That takes time and rushing constantly from activity to activity prevents learning to interact with and listen to and love family members. We are setting up our kids for future success or failure in their own marriages/families by what we teach them now.
Giving kids time is such a gift. Time to explore and create and think ... time to learn who they are. And to learn to manage their own time so that when they are adults, they aren't seduced by the busy-ness of the world.
We take time out to cuddle during the day, whenever my son needs it. He's 19 months old, and sometimes while we're out running errands he'll just need to cuddle up with Mommy or Daddy for a few minutes before we continue. We know that this is coming to an end at some point, so we make time for it now, even if we're in the middle of the grocery store.
Actually, my son who is 8 still likes to cuddle... sometimes while reading or watching a movie or even for lazy day rest-time. But I am in agreement, no matter when, try to be as receptive to cuddle time. It builds security and self-confidence in your child... knows he/she is loved and important to mom and dad.
There was so much buzz about this book, I finally broke down last week and ordered the book. It came Tuesday. You are going to love it!
Keep them unscheduled! In my opinion, it just puts too much stress into their lives and kids don't need stress. That being said, it really depends on the kid. My kids are grown now, I had one who wanted to be involved in everything and I had to kind of hold her back because she would overschedule herself and the other kid was very content to just hang out at the house. If you have one bouncing off the walls, put them in some activities, otherwise, let them be. There will be plenty of time for that later. You will never get these days back.
Your post really resonated with me. As an adult, I now feel that growing up I had too many activities, all of which I was fine at, but none at which I excelled. As an adult I wish I would have been more selective in the activities of my youth, and really dove into those with more energy. But hindsight is 20/20. Now as a parent I am beginning to navigate those issues with my own kids. Here is my dilemma, I do not want my kids to be overscheduled, I want them to focus on only a few things and have lots of down time, but how do we figure out what they love or are naturally gifted at, without sampling so many activities? But on the other hand just trying something for one season isn't much of a try out. I want to give them the opportunity to see what activity really clicks with them, but that is hard to do without running ourselves ragged. Thoughts anyone?
Sarah, how old are your children? If they're young, you may need to talk about what the different activities are like, and then let them choose one or two according to how interested they are. Also, for younger kids, one season is likely plenty to decide whether to continue - one season is a long time when you are little 🙂 Then you can try something else. As another commenter has said, there is also a difference from one child to another. Some thrive on lots of activities, some thrive on lots of unstructured time to dream and think. And both are okay.
I agree with Jenny--age is a big consideration. We only did swimming lessons/preschool/church activities before my kids were school age. We are in the elementary years and I think one activity at a time is enough (my daughter is in 4H which carries her through most of the year--my son is in cub scouts and plays baseball in the spring, so he has a month or so of overlapping activities but I can live with that). I fully expect that their activities will ramp up as they get older, and by then, they will have a better idea of what they enjoy and are good at. The other thing to consider is that the more kids you have, the more running to activities you will do--what is acceptable for you as a parent and what is not? I think it's ok for mom to set limits based on her overall sanity. 🙂
I don't know if you have a YMCA in your area, but ours has week-long sports camps in the summer. They are reasonably priced and can give a child a taste of what a sport is like without the time commitment of a full sports season. Also, our physical education class at school has the kids play different sports and my children are very vocal about what they do and do not like. Some churches will offer sports teams or choirs for children which are more low-key and would give them an opportunity to try something different.
we always had family dinner together - at least almost always. a few times we didn't then when I was in college/high school and my brother was in jr high/high school his sports along with my band practices messed with some but my mom had it as a priority we would eat together and Sundays were pretty much family time whether we stayed home or went to see Grandmother and aunt, cousin. the other grandparents we saw together on Saturday evenings every other week.
I wasn't involved in a lot of extracurricular though I wanted to be - my mom wasn't home to take me to campfire girls, girl scouts, etc and didn't want the time taken away from family. I still sorta wish I could have done more my younger years but can't change that now.
LOL I'm just glad we didnt' do weekly family breakfasts - my parents ate around 5 or 6 am and we got up for school around 6:30 and barely functioned even then!
We have always been consistent with family dinner every night. Our kids tell us that none of their friends do this with their parents more than once or twice a week.
My kids are 21 and 13 now. The 21 year old still lives at home while attending a nearby university but she will fly the nest this coming fall to further her education. I like to imagine that some day my kids will carry on this tradition with their own families, and remember with fondness the lively, crazy, silly, moments we've had around the dinner table while they were growing up (even though they sometimes complain about it now). I think we're building a strong family and good memories here.
I know what's going on in my kids' lives, who their friends are, and what they are willing to share about how they are feeling. We talk frankly about issues like drugs, alcohol, and personal safety as is appropriate at their ages. But mostly we laugh. It seems like each of us tries to save a funny observation, something that amused us that we read or saw on the internet to share with each other at dinner. Negative talk about others doesn't have a place at our table.
I know my kids are eating at least one nourishing, healthy, whole organic meal every day--we cook at home from scratch. (Yes, we make sure the younger one has a healthy breakfast and send her off to school with a healthy lunch, too ;o).
Hey that's fun. Tsh's blog has been one of my favorites for a long time.
You and I are very much alike in both dinners and unscheduled-ness. We pretty much eat dinner as a family 7 days a week at this point, but we would really like to change that with a date-night addition! It's so hard for us to make that happen on any regular basis!
I'm pretty sure my kids are the most unscheduled (activity-wise) that I know. My oldest daughter is in an after school singing group once a week and that is it. I do struggle with some guilt and feelings of peer pressure about that, so it is good to hear this encouraging post and the comments of support as well!
I would like to add maybe a martial arts class for my son and a dance class for my younger daughter because those are their interests right now. We'll see. I'm thinking maybe 1 activity at a time will work for us.
Kristen! I was just thinking a very similar thought today. I've recently had a health thing. Which put my focus on what is most important real quick. I told my husband today, it turns out the only thing that matters in the world is having dinner with my family every night.
Such a great and thoughtful post! I think we slow things down by homeschooling our kids. We aren't rushing around in the mornings. And we are frantically getting homework done at night. It is a big sacrifice but it's what we feel is best for our family. Also, I wish we could have family dinners but my husband's work schedule doesn't allow for it 🙁
I can't wait to get a copy of this book. I've read to couple blogs now about it. And you're right, it's really important that sometimes we have to slow down on things we do because a lot of time we miss precious moments. I love when the whole family eats together.
When I was young, my family didn't do a lot of extra-curricular activities, but as I got into high school I started doing more and more after school activities (band, orchestra, musicals, soccer etc).
It wasn't that overwhelming, mainly because I chose to do them (and was old enough to make those choices), they were at school so didn't involve extra driving around, and they were always over by 5:30, so I was usually home by 6. Which meant we still had family dinners, and I had time for homework.
I definitely agree about younger kids being over-scheduled though. We did swimming lessons and then spent the rest of the time playing at home 🙂
I come from a large family, we did not have any extra-curricular activities. My brothers played in various bands just with friends.
My kids are adults and I really miss family meals times. Makes me sad I miss it so much. My husband thinks dinner time is sitting in the living room watching tv. He has recently been diagnosed with diabetes and struggles with eating.
I grew up in the '60's. I enjoyed a LOT of unscheduled time.My parents were not up my butt every minute.I rode my bike after school into the woods near my house,yes,sometimes I fell and skinned a knee, fell out of a tree even! And lived to tell the tale!
I took piano lessons one day a week at 7 A.M. before classes, on my school premises.I also LOVED singing in GLEE CLUB but that happened at lunch time.
When I had my own son, I raised him with a lot of freedom and unscheduled time too.As a result, he taught himself to take apart and put together computer systems,taught himself computer languages, and read a lot of books.He enjoyed chess club and tennis, one after school event twice a week.
Kids need love, trust, and some TIME TO THEMSELVES!!! HOW ELSE will they EVER find out WHO THEY ARE!!?? I am appalled at the crazy pace parents keep their families moving at these days.. looks exhausting to me!!
Chill folks!! It's all okay!
I live with my daughter and two grandchildren. My granddaughter is in Girl Scouts which meet twice a month. She participates in soccer and basketball in the fall and winter. she goes to 3 to 4 programs at the library every month. She is also in the confirmation class at church every week. My grandson does football, basketball, and baseball. He also goes to 3 or 4 programs at the library each month. We have meals as a family almost every evening even if it isn't at the same time each night. This year it is a little more busy but next year when the kids are both going to the same programs again it slows down. We also do volunteer work and other activities as a family. We schedule family game nights and family movie nights. If something is important you will find a way to do it no matter how busy you are. It may not work for everyone but it works for us.
You are doing very well! My children are grown with families of their own now, but when they were younger, my husband and I limited their evening and weekend activities too. A non hectic life that included family time, proper physical and mental rest, and eating together were important, as was our religious life. They were allowed one school sport or academic activity at a time that didn't interfere with religious education classes on Wednesday nights and attending mass on the weekend or dinners together most nights of the week. My children did not grow up feeling they "missed" anything and understand the importance of maintaining loving relationships over being on the go all the time. But on the other hand, I come from a family of 5, with a younger brother who had a learning disability and was very restless all the time. He constantly moved from one activity to another. My parents kept him heavily involved in sports activities all year because that is what kept him out of trouble and boosted his confidence in himself. He was the only child in our family who participated in sports. It was a heavy financial burden for my parents, but money well spent. He is a successful, self-employed businessman and the whole family still enjoys and laughs at the things he does in his life to satisfy his restlessness.