“This isn’t how I’d write my story”

I got an email from a reader who has dealt with some difficult situations with one of her children, and also having to move away from one adult child.

With her permission, I’m sharing part of her email along with my answers to her questions.

I’m sure you’ve had to deal with your fair share of goodbyes, or having things in a way you wish they weren’t. I know my therapist has said to me, “if you want to be comfortable, you can’t let any one thing become the center of your world”. I keep that in mind often and it’s not like this is the center of my world, but gosh, there have been SO many up and downs over the years–it feels tiring.

I was hoping some time in the future that you could share about how you truly cope with all of these things. I know you’ve touched on many of these — nothing is all bad or all good, but on a daily basis, how often do any of these things come to mind? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said to my husband, “this isn’t how I would write my story”.

If at some time in the future you could share your strategies, especially for those of us with children where things haven’t gone the way we had wished. I have people around me that share how wonderful their kids are doing, hitting all the “milestones”, found their jobs, their mates, maybe have kids of their own. What about the parents that have tried so hard and things haven’t worked out like that?

I most definitely can sympathize with a life that is turning out differently than you’d hoped or planned for! This is not how I would have written my story, but here I am.

I will share what helps me, and you can pick and choose what resonates with you. Chew up the meat, spit out the bones, as they say. 😉

A life shake-up is a common human experience

This fact helps me normalize my experience: many, many people have lives that took twists and turns that they didn’t want and didn’t plan for.

These come in so many flavors, like the death of a child, a debilitating illness, a financial disaster, infertility, infidelity, unwanted singleness, the death of a spouse, a natural disaster, and so on.

You are not alone. I am not alone. Upheaval hits lots of humans! It is a normal part of living on this earth.

You can loosen up your thinking about what a good life story is

Most of us have a script that we expect our lives to follow, and usually that script is rather subconscious until it gets ferociously rewritten.

In the last few years, I have realized that there is not just one good life story. My original script got trashed, but that doesn’t mean all the other scripts are terrible. There are many ways to live a beautiful life, and if you can be more flexible in your thinking about that, you might be able to embrace the new script. 

My new life is beautiful even though it is not what I expected at all.

What makes a fulfilling life? Doing meaningful things

This kind of piggybacks on the previous point. If you realize that a fulfilling life is a result of doing meaningful things, many possibilities open up.

Heading up an intact nuclear family with grandchildren and happy holiday gatherings is meaningful and valuable, for sure.

But consider how many meaningful things you can do with your life! The possibilities are nearly endless, and many of them can be pursued on your own, no matter how off-script other people in your life have gone. 😉

Think more about what you put out than about the results

You mentioned some difficulties with your children and I want to point out that sometimes we think of parenting like a recipe: you put the ingredients in, and you expect a certain result.

This might work with a cake, but it does not translate with the complexities of human beings.

 

So, when you feel disappointed about situations with your children, it might help to focus on your efforts.

Did you pour love into your children? Did you spend time with them? Did you parent with integrity? If so, then you can have a measure of peace about your circumstances because you related to your children in a way that was congruent with how you want to be as a human.

We cannot control other people, but we do have control over our efforts!

A for-instance from another realm: I can go into the hospital and give A+ care to a patient, and that patient might still be unhappy.

But if I know I behaved with integrity and kindness, I can still go home with peace in my heart. What I put out was good, even if the result/feedback wasn’t. 

Look less at other people’s lives

I know this is easier said than done, but if you are feeling vulnerable and sad, it might be helpful to limit the amount of exposure you have to other people’s script-following life stories.

For instance, around the holidays it might be wise to limit your social media consumption. That’s a time of year when are bombarded with images of intact families, and sometimes that presses too hard on a sore spot.

It’s ok to look away for a time if you can’t resist the urge to compare. 

Grieve the losses AND look at what is good in your own life

This both/and approach works great for me!

Some examples from my life:

I don’t get to see Lisey very often (Hawaii is SO FAR), but she calls me multiple times a week. And I get to text with her regularly!

I don’t own a home anymore, and rent is expensive, but it is super nice that I never have to worry about repair fees. And I am so delighted I get to live in a house vs. an apartment.

I no longer live in the family home that I worked so hard to fix up, but I love my little rental house so so so much. I love living here, I love having my own space, I love my neighbors and my neighborhood, and I love not living in a split-foyer anymore (!!!).

I lost a good half of my worldly wealth in my divorce, but I am ok financially. I have a degree now in a field that offers good job security, and I have the opportunity to rebuild my financial life.

 

A recent one: the valedictorian speaker at my graduation (a physical therapy graduate) was an older student like me, but in part of her speech, she told the story of how supportive her husband was of her, how he said he’d do whatever it took to support her and pick up the slack, how he told her not to worry about the schedule upheaval, and how he cheered her on.

As I listened to this, I felt anger and grief bubbling up in my chest. I am so happy for the speaker, of course, and I don’t begrudge her one bit, but I felt angry that my story was not remotely the same.

Luckily, I am far enough along in my journey that these bubbles of anger and grief are pretty short-lived, and within a few minutes, I was able to refocus and think about how thankful I am to have the support of my children, the support of all of you here, the support of my professors, the support of my classmates, and the support of my family/friends.

I am hardly alone or unsupported.

 

 

 

Also, how lucky I am that I got to go to school! How wonderful it is that I can go to work in a field I love! How delightful it is to be free!

You can choose: reality-fighting, or radical acceptance

There is a certain amount of grieving work we have to do when our scripts get rewritten, yes. I have done lots of that and it is useful work that moves me forward.

But getting bogged down in a constant, “This isn’t how my life was supposed to go.” loop isn’t super helpful for me; it’s a waste of energy, and about as productive as hitting my head against a brick wall.

I’d rather spend my energy doing the dual work of grieving the past + building a new future. And that work is easier to do when I’m not trying to fight reality! 

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Ok, I’m nearly at 1500 words, so I’ll stop here. 🙂

Readers, what advice would you add to mine?