"the closer I get, the target keeps moving"
Some months ago, I came across singer/songwriter Taylor Leonhardt through the The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill podcast (they played her The Bridge track as the closing song in one episode).
Anyway, as I explored her other songs, I came across one I really like.
It's called "Happy (or Whatever)" and love that it touches on themes of envy and contentment; it's not often I hear a song written about these themes!
She talks about looking at ads online, or looking at other people's lives and how she finds herself thinking how much better their lives must be than hers:
I'm on the other side of the glass
Looking at the life they have
Ain't it so much better
It's always easier to believe
It's easy for them to be
Happy or whatever
And she realizes the pointlessness of this line of thinking:
Why do I do this
Play a game I keep losing
It's all so elusive
The closer I get the target keeps moving
Maybe I have all that I need
To be happier than ever
That line, "the closer I get, the target keeps moving", has really stuck in my head.
Therapists like to say, "Happiness is an inside job.", and the idea there is that your joy in life cannot be dependent on outside people, sources, or circumstances. Joy comes from work you do in your own heart.
In the same way, I think contentment is an inside job. And really, any of us who have tried to find contentment by chasing after some thing (whether it be a relationship, a family, a job, a location, money, or any number of other things!) have found this to be true.
How often have you thought, "I will be satisfied when ______."
And then when you get that thing, how often has it actually satisfied you? Did you magically feel content?
If you are like most of us, you probably just shifted your focus to something else that was wrong, or something else that you wanted. Or maybe you shifted your focus to whatever the next rung is on your ladder of success.
(And it's worth noting that a ladder of success is not necessarily just the corporate type. We make all sorts of other ladders of success!)
If you can be content with a little, then you can be content with a lot
I know I have typed this phrase in multiple other posts, but it bears repeating!
If you can be content in a small house, then you will also be content with a big house.
If you are not content in a small house, then you will probably not be content in a bigger house either.
(There will always be other, better, bigger houses!)
If you can find the good bits of life even in the midst a difficult situation, then you will probably also be able to do so if the difficult situation lets up.
But if you are unable to see the bits of mercy and light in the dark times, you will likely also have difficulty noticing those when the dark times get a little brighter.
As they say, "Wherever you go, there you are!" If you have a contented attitude, you will bring that with you to any situation or location.
And if you have a discontented attitude, the same is true; it will follow you wherever you go.
So, what can you do?
I don't think contentment comes naturally to any of us, me included. So, the thing I always fall back on is this: trying to hunt for the good wherever I happen to be.
Taylor Leonhardt says, "I'm on the other side of the glass, looking at the life they have. Ain't it so much better?"
Looking at someone else's life with longing eyes is a surefire way to be miserable.
But look at my own life with the intention to hunt for good is a surefire way to be less miserable!
I am not trying to minimize suffering, of course. Hard circumstances are hard, and it is disingenuous to call them anything else.
But in my experience, even in the hard, not-so-ideal times of life, there are always small mercies to be found. And the more I practice finding those small mercies, the better I get at seeing them, and the less I have a "why is my life not as good as other people's??" attitude.
For a material-possessions example, here's how I hunted for the good regarding my tiny bathroom.
For a location example, here's how I've thought about my neighborhood.
For a recent minor-suffering example, it wasn't fun to get omicron in January.
But:
- it was a pretty mild case
- it happened before the semester started, so I missed no classes
- I got sick before the girls did, so I didn't have to be careful around them once they got sick
- now I really don't have to worry about getting sick with covid this semester!
Also, I don't love that I fell and twisted my knee while carrying stuff out of the abandoned house with my brother and his wife.
But:
- my knee has slowly been getting better on its own
- it was not the worst knee injury I've ever had
- I didn't need crutches (I had crutches for months once when I was a teen)
- I have been able to still walk
- it didn't happen before my ski trip
- I'm the one who twisted my knee, not my brother or his wife (they left for another ski trip last week, so it would have been way worse if they had been the ones who tripped)
- there are escalators and elevators in public building and they helped give my knee a break from stair-walking
In a nutshell, two things can be true at the same time in my life:
- things are not quite how I'd like them to be
- there are small mercies to be found
Accepting that those two truths can co-exist has been hugely helpful to me! I can acknowledge that I'd like a larger bathroom or that I'd like to not be sick AND I can also appreciate the good about my bathroom, or see the small mercies in the timing of my sickness.
Alrighty. 1000 words in, I think I will stop typing for today. 😉
I usually ask a question at the end of my posts, but I'm not sure what to ask today! Ummm...say whatever you want in the comments.
P.S. Relatedly, here are four ways I fight discontentment (the post was inspired by a time I got knocked over by discontentment)
I was just talking to my counselor yesterday about the idea of positive thinking and what a difference it makes in life if we can find things to be grateful for every day. Sometimes maybe it's just that you woke up in a warm bed and you have coffee to drink. Other days maybe it's sunshine and family or a promotion or whatever! But every day find something to be grateful for and your overall outlook will improve! At least, that's been my experience.
Yep! And I think it is so essential to understand that you can look for the good AND acknowledge the hard. Sometimes people think that contentment or gratefulness means having a head-in-the-sand approach to life, but I think it's really more about just acknowledging the whole truth of life: there is hard. and there is good.
Realism is acknowledging that both of those things are true at the same time.
Kristen I really appreciate your take on life in general. Sometimes I get sucked into the "why me" scenario, which really takes a toll on my happiness level and quite frankly, my mental health. I've been working for the last few years on mindfulness, and examining things that are in my control and not in my control and finding ways to cope with both options. Thank you for the gentle reminder that contentment can be found in most situations if you spend a little time looking for it.
Too much exacerbates my anxiety. One of the few pluses of Covid is that we have confined our shopping to our local grocery store, which is small. I know where everything is and there aren't a lot of choices. It's not the least expensive way to shop, but it saves me from the anxiety of 40 choices of mustard, for example.
Amen, sister.
I think one of the best things I taught my children was to say “at least…” when something bad happens. Yes we are stuck in traffic, but at least we aren’t in the accident up ahead. Yes you broke the glass, but at least we have more milk. It helps with the little and big things of life. Yes grandma died, but at least we have all these memories with her.
@Cheryl,
What a wonderful thing you taught your children.
I live in an old farmhouse (built before/around 1920) and it's about 1400 sq. feet. It has low ceilings and old creaky floors. The kitchen isn't new (but the plumbing is!) and the laundry room floors are wavy (it's a converted porch, after all). But I love it. It's cozy and welcoming and fits me and my life. I've spent many years taking the third of an acre it sits on and converting it from lots of grass to fruit trees and berry bushes and little pathways that wander around gardens of flowers and shady spots. This is the house where I hope to spend the rest of my years.
That being said, sometimes when my co-worker talks about the enormous house she and her husband are having built, or my other co-worker shares pics of the perfect bathroom he remodeled (nothing in my house is perfect!), I fight not to get embarrassed by old farm house with her old stairs and catawampus walls. It's not that I want the new house or the perfect bathroom...I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to keep up with the Jones', but I don't want to be embarrassed about where I am, either.
Oh, your house sounds so charming! It is basically Sonia's dream house, since she loves old things and she also loves plants.
I understand, though; sometimes it's like I have this idea in my head of what an "adult-who-made-it-in-life" house looks like, and I've never owned one of those!
@Mary, I grew up in the most basic house of all time. Three bedrooms, one crummy bath, a living/dining room and small kitchen. There were six of us, all of whom are six feet or over. There wasn't even enough room for all of us to have seats at the same time in the living room.
It just never occurred to me that our house was less than paradise, because my mother never, ever dissed it or apologized for it. Here's where we live, delicious food comes out of the kitchen, the brilliant children do their homework at the kitchen table, etc. The place was less than charming except for all the love in it.
I would not be surprised if some of your friends envied you your charming place.
@Mary, I bet your house is paid for, or close to it and it's easy to clean. I've spent many nights worrying about paying the mortgage and I know I'm not alone.
@Rose, we were raised in the same house! Our house wasn't much, but we were on 3 beautiful acres of property and I grew up with a great appreciation for the out of doors. There's an old song by the Christian artist Rich Mullins called Never Picture Perfect. It was in honor of his parents and one portion of the song said, "There was one bathroom to bathe and shave in. Six of us stood in line. And hot water for only three, but we all did just fine". I relate well to that description! The end of the chorus goes, "and they worked to give faith hands and feet, and somehow gave it wings". That song touches me every time I hear it. What a beautiful legacy of valuing the important things.
@Mary,
I haven't seen your house but I know I would love it. My family and I lived for a few years in an 1891 farmhouse with some real oddities, but I loved that house with all I had.
Don't be embarrassed by your house - you have a house with character, and it takes vision, innovation and strength of mind to make it a home, which you have accomplished. Well done!
@Jennifer, well, I'm halfway there to paying it off, lol, and it's easy to clean. And I'd bet my mortgage payments are a fraction of a new build!
@JD, I DO love this house with all I have. It's my heart, my home. Thank you for these words of kindness.
@Rose,
We have raised four children in Southern California in a small 3 bedroom house - luckily we have two bathrooms, but otherwise our house is as you describe your house to have been...our kitchen is in BAD need of remodel, our bathrooms have some wonky plumbing, not much matches,,,lol But our kids, who have grown up in this very affluent community, and have some VERY wealthy friends (think movie producer's kids..) always seem to hang out with their friends here... The friend's houses are all nicer than ours...but they want to be here - I guess they feel free to relax here... the only thing i wish for these days is a robotic vacuum that could keep up with my 3 dogs... and an oven that works..
"I don't want the world
I just want your half"
"Ana Ng," by They Might Be Giants
I will say I find your writing on contentment really meaningful, Kristen.
That said, I do find meaning in accomplishments I've had, and even, gasp, material things. I often look at the antique clock I gave myself for Christmas a couple months ago and it makes me so happy, since it's the same model as the one I had to sell after my divorce.
I also have friends who are--exceptional. The wife is a former model, the husband is an art dealer, the three children are gorgeous, went to top rated Manhattan private schools and are now doing well in college, and every picture they pose together looks like an ad. In fact, the family did star in an commercial for Porsche a number of years ago, that's how good looking they are. The wife, the former model who's my friend, is no fool. (If she was, she wouldn't be my friend.) They have a lovely apartment in Manhattan and a weekend place in the Hamptons.
But. The art dealer has contempt for her and sometimes hits her.
I'm not saying everyone who appears to have a fabulous life has some horrible secret, but everyone's got problems, some less serious than others.
Oh, I think it is wonderful to enjoy material things and accomplishments! That's almost part of my point here; to really see, soak in, and enjoy what you've got.
Your antique clock is bringing you joy. That's perfect! You aren't looking at it, wishing for some other clock; you are appreciating what you have.
I am so sorry for your friend; that is awful, and no amount of beauty and wealth can make up for abuse.
Years ago in an art class, my instructor suggested that I paint shadows behind the main object in my picture. I was surprised to see the 3-D effect the shadows brought to the painting and how the main object was brought forward by the darker values around it. From that art class, I learned that in life’s dark times it’s very possible God is bringing something forward that may not otherwise have gotten my attention. I guess it’s like the illustration we’ve probably all heard before that during the day, we know the stars are there even though we can’t see them until the sky is dark.
Kristen, I love how you are intentional about looking for the light, focusing on the good things even as you go through not-always-so-good circumstances. I think as each of us goes through hard times , we can gain compassion with which we may encourage someone else farther along in life. Once again you have brightened the day with your words! Thank you for faithfully writing!
@Martha, love this!
@Martha,
Similar thought: "only those who walk in darkness can ever see the stars." -F. J. Sheen (and others).
Thanks for your beautiful words.
@Martha, This is beautiful and profound. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing, Kristin! My husband, youngest daughter and I just moved into a home with two rather large bathrooms. One being an ensuite! However, the house we raised our 6 children in had 1 small bathroom. I hated it. Small, old, and having to make “shower” schedules was the worst for 8 people. However, I can say now even though I am beyond grateful for our lovely master bathroom and the other guest bathroom which is basically all for our youngest who is the only one still home, I miss our 1 tiny, old bathroom. So many memories! Brushing all our teeth together while giggling and laughing….all the older kids giving our youngest a bath when she was a baby and so much younger than her older siblings, talking to my girls while I taught them about hair styling and make up as they grew. My husband teaching our boys to shave… Sometimes when I’m in that big beautiful bathroom of mine now, I get a little lonely. So enjoy those small annoying spaces! They have more good than bad❤️
Comparison truly is the thief of joy. When I was young and foolish I wanted the same designer jeans my friends had, but we couldn't afford them on my dad's modest salary while my mom was earning her Ph.D. My mom sat me down and explained it like this. There will always be someone taller, shorter, fatter, skinnier, wealthier, poorer, "better dressed", etc...than you. You can wish all you want but you will always be you so you'd better learn to love and cherish yourself as you are. No amount of outside trappings will change that and if you can't be happy and grateful for who you are on the inside then you will be miserable all your life.
@AnnieH, your mother was a very wise woman.
I have struggled being content for quite a long time. Most of it falls around money or lack of it and what others have. I have 2 siblings that have done very well financially at a young age. My sister and her husband retired at 40 with 4 kids and a million dollar house. My brother and his wife have worked very hard also with a gorgeous home and a lake home 6 hrs away. I too have been successful, but not financially. I do have a paid off home and it is a simple 3 bed starter home, but it is mine. My daughter who is 14 does not bring her friends over b/c her friends all have money and huge homes. I think she is really embarrassed of her house and that hurts me so much. I feel like a failure most days when it comes to being a good mom and trying my best. It is never enough. So No I have not been content and do not if I ever will be. But I have faith that God knows my worries and will take care of me.
@Laurie, It may take time, but your daughter will see with more mature eyes, that you provided her with more than she sees now. When our son was 14 and up, we lived in a very affluent area. His friends all were given new trucks when they turned 16. He would hang out at their homes because of the new game systems, large pools, bigger homes, etc. He is now 40 and is teaching his children the value of money - and that life is more than a big house and new cars. Hang in there -
@Laurie, At 14, if your daughter had the world's fanciest house, she would find something else about you or your life to be embarrassed about. I am so sorry it pains you but she will grow up and realize how much love she had in that old house of yours.
There's a country song that has the lyric, "Seems every time I make my mark, somebody paints the wall" and that always resonated with me.
I can always find the positive in any situation and I pride myself on that. However, there are always pockets of time where I feel so overwhelmed that nothing helps, but when this passes, I can get back there.
One thing I rarely suffer from is jealousy. I look at that shiny new car or big house and think of the cost or time it takes to clean it and the desire vanishes!
I find myself having the "it could be worse" attitude in most cases but in a weird way, feeling bad about stuff sometimes is motivating. For example, currently my situation is...I'm over my job. I want to leave and this attitude makes it hard to bring my best self to my job everyday. BUT it could be worse - I could have no job, I could have to go into the office everyday, I could have an awful work team. The negativity is pushing me to apply to other jobs but the positive side makes the wait bearable.
Yesterday I heard this bit of wisdom that really resounded with me - when a cell phone's battery is down to 2%, you don't criticize the cell phone for losing its charge. You know that it just needs to be recharged. Similarly, if you're feeling down or upset, there's no need to beat yourself up about it. Just recognize that you need to be recharged and figure out what will recharge you. Maybe that means seeking out the little things that brings contentment as Kristen suggests. Maybe that means making a change in your life. Maybe that just means allowing yourself to feel the feels for a bit.
Anyway, as always, I love the positivity.
I tend to see the silver lining behind any bad situation. Even during the worst of times (and we've had some doozies) I know deep down it could've been worse and I feel blessed.
In all fairness though I did feel a little more needy when I was in my 20s and 30s. I wanted everything yesterday. Now I'm just happy that I made it through today. LOL!
@Maria Zannini, I was recently reading an article about measurable happiness from a long term study. It said happiness went down in the early 20s and didn't pick up again until late middle age. So you were right in line with normal.
My late grandmother, bless her heart, was known for wearing "rose-colored glasses" in her life. But now that I'm older, I wonder if that was it, or if she just chose to emphasize the positive while she accepted the negative but refused to dwell on it. She could hardly have failed to notice the many hardships in her life, but she didn't speak of them.
I've been influenced to seek contentment with what I have and to look for the positives by my grandmother's example, and more recently, by this blog. I remind myself that I live better off than the majority of the world's population. There is much I have to be content about.
I do "Yes, but - " when thinking this way.
Yes, my husband's health has failed, but we've been able to find a place for him, and he gets regular visits from friends and family, which is more than many of the residents in such places get.
Yes, my wardrobe is about 90% second-hand, but I still get compliments on it.
Yes, I drive a long way to work, but my bosses are great.
Yes, my house is on the small side, but it's less to clean and heaven knows I hate to clean.
Seeing the little lights in the darkness is a valuable skill, and one I am actively working on improving. This post, and others here like it, encourage me to keep getting better.
@JD, your responses are pretty much the same as mine, so I don't feel the need for a separate comment.
Re: the "loss before the loss" of my DH--as J NL put it beautifully in her comment on my Meet a Reader--I do sometimes feel the way Edith Roosevelt (TR's widow) put it in a late-life diary entry: "Dark morning tired old child facing a robbed life." But then I kick myself in the butt and remind myself that (a) DH still needs me, and (b) I still have a lot to live for.
@A. Marie, oh my- the E. Roosevelt quote resonated with me. My husband died 3.5 yrs ago from multiple myeloma when I was 52. And both of my children had flown the nest. I could barely breathe. I’m a RN, but I went back to school for a master’s degree in Eng Lit simply for the challenge & for something to force me out of bed everyday. It is easier now, but nowhere near optimal or where I thought I would be at this point in my life. But, I am content & full of gratitude. I aim for “good enough” most days. And honestly, most days surpass that benchmark.
It's bewildering to me how so many people seem to allow marketing, so-called advice, and the Joneses to hijack their brains and dictate how to live their lives. I've said here before that comparison is the thief of joy. Growing up in an upper class environment, I know that many of those people only appeared happy, functional and wealthy on the outside.
Yesterday I had to make the very difficult decision to say “Good bye” to our 12 year old Lab, who has been such a sweet and faithful and loyal dog to our family. My heart is broken—BUT— how blessed we were to have had her for ten of those twelve years! Even my vet said he only was able to get his own Lab to age 10, and getting her until age 12 was fantastic.
@Susan M., I'm so sorry about your dog. When we accept pets into our lives we accept the future heartache as well. (I can speak from direct observation that knowing your pets will outlive you is also heartbreaking.) But, oh!, the joy they bring us during that time.
@Susan M., I wish you and your family peace, strength and love during this difficult time.
@Susan M., it is so hard but your sweet Angel dog passed away with live and dignity. I am so sorry.
@Susan M., it's so hard to lose a beloved companion. I will be thinking of you as you mourn his passing and rejoice his being.
@MB in MN, Thank you!
@Stephanie, yes, you are right. Thank you for the reminder.
@Bee, Thank you! So very much appreciated! We made it through our first entire day without her. It was hard, but new daily habits will be made and I know things will get easier. . .
@WilliamB, I never thought about when a pet outlives it’s person, but it is a very good point! I am grateful I was able to be there for her until she no longer needed me.
@Susan M., I hadn't realized it until recently, either, but a friend of mine is in that position now. She's only 57, dammit.
From M*A*S*H, Colonel Sherman T. Potter, "If you ain't where you are, you're no place."
@Heidi Louise, thanks so much for the reminder of Col. Potter (and the actor who played him, Harry Morgan). Potter's favorite expletive, "Horsepucky!" (well, he was a cavalryman, after all), has made it into my permanent vocabulary.
@A. Marie, Yes, quite an expression!
One of your contentment ideas that I put into action is that when I'm feeling down about my apartment I clean or organize something! It really helps. First, it distracts me. Second, it makes the place look better. Third, it helps me get rid of stuff; despite being a packrat, TOO much stuff stresses me out. I'm trying to do some major clearing out and reorganization before I go back to work, and I enjoy our space more the more tidy it is.
(Also I'm naturally inclined to be disorganized and untidy so it's good for me to do this....I go, "Who made all this mess?? We don't have room for this!" And then turns out it was me. Whoops.)
At age 74 I realized I have been everywhere I wanted to go and done everything I wanted to do and own everything I need so I am finally content. What a relief!
@Linda Sand, me too! At 64 I am more contented than I have ever been.
Susan, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Hugs to you.
This Taylor Leonhardt song made me cry when I heard it and thought of our cat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrpeRmCb_9c It is so hard that we will almost always outlive our pets.
A beautiful post. Life is seldom perfect, but each day is filled with possibility.
As the Eagles said (or sang) "You can see the stars and still not see the light."
Whenever I'm looking at or thinking about stuff and things Luke 10:42 pops in my head, "A few things are needed, or just one."
I'm not really sure how I managed to get my brain to do that, but I like it.
Unlike many of you folks, I can manage to find the worst in any great situation and I am always waiting for the world to fall apart. (Hello, Ukraine. Next it is the Baltics, where my extended family is.) I have to work every single day not to be unhappy, even while I am blessed with the perfect husband for me, enough money to be comfortable, a house that is wheelchair accessible, and living in Alaska. It is not like I envy anyone else's life, I am just generally programmed to be discontented. It is a good thing that my husband is an eternal optimist or our home would be the house of doom.
I am asking for prayers! Two of my dear friends have died since Jan1. One was 56 from an anneurysm and one was 50 from a heart attack. Neither were sick. I had been friends with one for 25 years. We raised our boys together. The other was a friend since we were 12.
Be thankful for every day!
@Stephanie, I'm so sorry for the double unexpected losses you've had in such a short time. May your years of memories with your friends bring comfort.
@Stephanie, You have mine. Or what passes for it in my agnostic perspective. One of the nice things about (sincere) thoughts, prayers, and hope is that the supply is infinite. You can need them for yourself and give them to others at the same time.
Thought provoking, as always. I tend to be a glass half-full person and don’t *usually* struggle with envy, but we all have our moments. There’s not a person I’ve met yet that I would trade places in life with, though. Everyone has their problems, and at least I know what mine are already and how to deal with them!
That said— I think you could drastically improve your bathroom situation with a new vanity. I have a lot of experience remodeling and often “problem solving” small spaces. I’d take a look at the ikea Godmorgon vanities that hang on the wall. They are very nice quality, comparatively inexpensive, and you would not believe the storage space those drawers (WAY better than doors/shelves) have. Ikea is all about space saving. Because they hang on the wall, it’s easy to mop underneath, and it gives you more foot room or even a place to stash stuff if needed. They are shallow depth, but they have more usable storage than ones twice their size. The one downside is that because they use every available square inch, the plumbing has to be in a pretty exact location— so it might require a plumber to move some pipes (very doable) if you guys don’t have that skill set. We put this in my kids’ bathroom, and I was so impressed that we put it in ours as well. As I said, we buy fixer-uppers, even the house we live in. Also, I don’t work for ikea lol! I just really love their vanities.
If you wanted to go really crazy, you could install a European style wall hung toilet where the tank goes in the wall between studs— this is invasive, and these toilets run about $1000 and up and would definitely require a plumber if you’re not very experienced…but I’m planning for this when we remodel our shower/toilet room because it is also tiny. It saves the space of the toilet tank, which is almost a foot— that’s a LOT when it’s sticking in front of your shower as mine is also.
I realize this post is about contentment, and I totally get your point. But you mentioned in the linked article that “if we ever moved…”, and a bathroom remodel would be loads less expensive than a move and could give some serious payoff in terms of usability. I’m all about making the house as functional as possible… it’s okay to want what you have to be the best it can be!
My husband and I did not grow up with "inherited wealth". As a teenager, I was looking with surprise and also envy at classmates who grew up with piano lessons, theater nights and holidays abroad. How could they not realize how privileged they were? Right now, we are financially secure and possibly a family that others look at as living a " happy or whatever" life. I find contentment in small things mainly, almost to the point of being ridiculed by one sibling. I always hope that when the push comes to the shove, I can live up to the situation and remain content despite challenges. Am very concerned for situation 18 hours by car southeast of us.
Thank you for this post, Kristen.
I love this. Thank you as always for sharing your insight.
I recently discovered a podcast by The Atlantic called How to Build a Happy Life that touches on these very topics. I never listened to podcasts until recently and now I love them (I listen when I'm working out and they are a great distraction from my physical pain. ha!).
Yes! I love to listen to podcasts while working out; distraction is the name of the game.
Also, whenever I do one-minute planks, I watch short YouTube comedy videos. That seriously helps the seconds to tick by faster.
Something I have heard many times in our church and neighborhood, "Comparison is the killer of contentment". Thank you for your post! It was very timely and helpful.