The best thing to remember when you feel like life is unfair
Ok. Maybe it's not THE best thing, but it's a good thing to remember.
Everyone who lives on this planet is subject to unfair, unpleasant things. Some more than others, to be sure, but all of us experience some difficulties in life that aren't really our fault.
Maybe someone hurt us, abused us, stole from us, gave us a raw deal, took an opportunity away, or maybe even a natural disaster brought loss.
There are lots of unfair things that could happen to us, and I'm sure you don't have to think long to come up with a list from your own life, financial or otherwise.
Anyway.
When crappy stuff happens to us and we did nothing to bring it on, it's easy to feel sorry for ourselves.
And while I think it's ok to be bummed about hardships and it's ok to feel your feelings, I also think it's not super healthy to stay there and wallow.
Instead, it's better to remember this:
You do not get to choose what happens to you, but you DO get to choose how you respond.
Focusing on the fact that something unfair happened to you is not going to help you.
Thinking about it more and more won't change your circumstances.
Pondering how much you didn't deserve this and how you didn't choose it won't improve your life.
I find it to be much more helpful to focus on the choices that I do have.
For instance:
I can choose to focus on the good (there's always something to be grateful for!)
I can make choices that help to improve the situation.
I can ask other people for help.
I can get assistance from professionals (a financial counselor can help you with money problems, a therapist can help you deal with difficult situations in your past and present, a medical professional can help you figure out how best to deal with your broken body.)
I can choose to help other people, which has the lovely side effect of taking my eyes off of my own problems.
Even in very hard situations, there's usually at least some small choice that you do have, and it's both empowering and cheering to focus on that.
You're not completely helpless! You're not completely at the mercy of forces outside you! You can still make choices!
Remembering this helps me. And I hope it will help you too.
So true. I find that the more people focus on helping other people the happier they are. I know many people in their late 80s that still go-go everyday to help others.
My husband's darling aunt would daily go visit nursing home residents and carry food to those with illness, new babies or a death in the family, when she was 90. She laughed easily and loved lavishly. I think her attitude and choices made all the difference for her, because her life had not been an easy one, but you wouldn't know that just to talk with her.
When crappy stuff happens to us and we did nothing to bring it on, it’s easy to feel sorry for ourselves.
Very true, but what I see being more common these days is to blame others. Tweet about it and act enraged at your victim-hood.
No amount of angry Tweeting is going to change the fact that life is indeed unfair.
Yes, plus by tweeting or whatever, in that way, you lose your dignity (IMHO)
I've been saying this to hubs for the last few months. We're close to paying off debt but boy are we stressed out. My stress stems from feeling like I don't have control. Then I remember that I ultimately control everything in my life (ie. if I don't like a job, I can get a new one).
Great advice, particularly as we remember those lost on this horrific day and how none of them deserved their fate.
With a hurricane barreling in and this day being September 11, there is a lot to feel bad or helpless about. But as you said, there are choices here. I choose to try to focus on the heroism of September 11, on the help so many people are glad to give in natural disasters, and the ways in which I can help, which truly does help me get my mind off my own problems while helping others with theirs.
And may Florence wind down quickly!
If doing something nice for someone else makes me feel better, does that mean that being not-nice makes me feel worse? Interesting throught to ponder.
For me, the answer is most definitely yes. Knowing I've been not nice to someone has a way of unpleasantly interfering with the rest of my day.
I would definitely say that this is true in my experience!
My husband and I talk about fairness or the lack thereof in society pretty often, more so because we are minorities/immigrants in the US. Sometimes we just have no control over what other people do or how they feel about us, especially when they are already biased. We can, however, try not to think too much about it and make ourselves miserable about those thoughts. 🙂
That must be so hard, to be judged right off the bat when someone doesn't even know you.
Thank you for this today.
Well said.
I agree to a point. There are however those rare grievous things that happen in life that just completely knock you down, and sometimes for a long time period. It can take a long time to get your feet back underneath you to support yourself.
As for the typical things, sometimes just a distraction from reality is helpful i.e. a book, a chat with a friend, church, a walk etc.
I agree with you 100%. Thank you for pointing this out.
Yep, for sure. Some things take a long while to work through, and some situations are chronic and not something you will ever exactly bounce back from.
It is interesting to me that whenever people complain about things being unfair, they are talking about something good that someone else has that they don't (or something bad they have to deal with that the others don't have). I talk to my kids a lot about the fact that if we really want things to be fair, that needs to be both the good and the bad. If they are going to complain about not getting the cookie their brother got, they need to also say "it's not fair" when they don't have to deal with his cancer. That thought has helped them put fairness into a better perspective!
There's a cartoon that shows two old ladies splashing their feet in a puddle. one of them says, "It's OK to splash in the pity puddle now and then but you aren't supposed to get down and wallow in it." I try to remember that whenever I find myself falling into a woe-is-me attitude.
Balance, maybe we could balance the good stuff against the bad? Good weather against bad? We do get both, especially here in good old Maryland. Rain? Sun? Car broke down - but it didn’t break down for the last 723 days!! Sad? Eat some ice cream, even better if you can eat it with a friend, or even a stranger. Buy a stranger an ice cream and you just could have a friend for life!
Don’t forget the little compliments, I haven’t had many but even if it was only six I often remember them, so I try to hand them out.You gotta mean them. Today at the supermarket while I was getting my milk, bread and toilet paper (I’m kidding!) the lady in front was being told she was getting a 5% discount ( it was 5% off for seniors day) I said, Hey wait she can’t get 5% off you have to be over 60 and even I can see she’s not. That’s not fair to us young people. ( I am 77.) She loved it. And so did I and the check out lady. I try for a couple a day. We none of us get enough compliments. Plenty of complaints but not enough compliments.
P.S. Kristen is a beautiful lady. She looks as though she will be collecting her 5% senior citizen discount in about 40 years.
Agreed!
Life IS unfair.
Dwelling on what's unfair only leads to the comparison trap which robs us of joy and contentment.
Looking for things to be thankful for and looking back on a journey to see how far I have come are both things that help me when I start feeling like something's unfair.
(Not to be confused something that is unfair because of a wrong that needs to be righted or changed.)
For me, it kind of depends upon "the thing that is unfair." As an example, if there has been a death, it is not always healthy to focus on the positive (or be grateful for what you have). It can be more beneficial in the long run to allow (and even encourage) yourself to grieve, to feel sad, to experience what happened, rather than shoving it aside. Many feelings in life need to be experienced, in order to allow yourself to truly grow. Also, there are unfair events and things that happen which are unsolvable, no matter how many therapists you see, how may prayers you offer, how many charities you volunteer at. There are long-term problems people may face that seem unfair, like an on-going critical illness, rape, or the loss of a child. As someone else commented above, there are things that "completely knock you down."
Oh, absolutely. The healthy way to deal with grief is to move through it, not avoid it. That's kind of what I was saying about feeling your feelings, rather than shoving them aside.
And what I said about seeking professional help would also be relevant in such cases. When something knocks us flat on our emotional backs and we are having trouble dealing with it, a therapist/counselor can often be helpful. Not that they can fix things (I agree that some problems are unsolvable), but more that they can help you figure out how best to deal with your feelings/sadness/grief, etc.
Great post, Kristen!
If it rains and you get wet, just think of all the raindrops that missed you.
Thanks, Kristen, for your great advice on this topic.
What pops into my mind is this- There's always going to be someone in a way better position than you and there's always going to be someone in a way worse position than you.
I've been put into situations that I had no control over and also in situations that I put myself in. Some of the choices I made were really good and others were downright wrong. All in all, I've tried to forgive the things and people, even myself, to the best of my ability and learned how to deal with them in my own time. It's all the bumps in the road that we have to get over and learn to move forward. It's tough. But I believe in karma and the Lord ( ironic, no?) and this too shall pass......
Maybe karma equates to [God's] justice, and then there is no irony?
Beautiful words & pictures of encouragement!
Kristen,
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you!
I'm so glad! I need to remember it too because boy, that temptation to go down the, "Why me??" path is for real.
Some pretty good stuff here- thanks! Hey, I noticed your holly bushes seem to have an infestation.
Thank you. I know you did not write this just for me but to me it feels like you did!