Stuck in a harmful marriage? Here's what I want you to know.
Mostly, I keep my marriage/divorce talk over on my Patreon, since it's off-topic for this blog.
But since not everyone is over there, I'm gonna do a Cliff's Notes version of the things I would tell my past self. Because they are the same things I would say to you if you are in a marriage that is eating away at you.
(Requisite pile of disclaimers: I am not a licensed expert. I'm not telling you what to do; I'm telling you what I'd have told my past self. Not all abuse is perpetrated by men; sometimes (but statistically less often), it's women. I have no experience with that; I'm writing from my experience. I still value marriage as an institution; I don't value a marriage that is slowly poisoning one party. In sum: chew up the meat, spit out the bones, take what resonates, and leave the rest.)
1. The odds of an abusive man changing = slim to none
This info comes from Lundy Bancroft, who has spent his life trying to help abusive men change. Whether it's physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual abuse, the odds are very strongly not in favor of this guy changing.
If your doctor told you there was a 99% chance the disease you have would kill you, you'd think you were as good as dead. You would not be thinking, "Ooh, great, there's a 1% chance I will live!"
In the same way, I would not suggest thinking, "Ooh, there's a 1% chance my man will change!" Instead, I'd consider, "Hmm, there's something like a 99% chance he won't change. In light of that, what do I want to do with the rest of my life?"
At least then you can make a more informed decision.
2. Whatever type of abuse it is, it will eventually affect your body
If you've ever thought, "Well, he doesn't hit me, so at least there's that.", you should know that living in an abusive relationship always takes a toll on your body in some way*.
Living on high alert, in a constant state of fight or flight can rob you of sleep, wreak havoc on your digestive system, cause muscle problems, and even cause autoimmune diseases.
Abuse is always physical, even when it's not overtly so.
(*I had chronic neck problems, resistant to any type of treatment, and they magically went away after I left my marriage.)
3. If you have to drag someone to therapy, don't bother
If someone doesn't want to get help, they probably aren't interested in changing or growing. In such a case, relationship therapy will be an expensive and traumatizing waste of time, and the uninterested party is likely to repeatedly bail out when pressed on their behavior.
If someone will only say yes to therapy once you leave, don't bother. If they truly cared about you and about the relationship, they'd be willing to get help before you leave.
4. Do not depend on an unlicensed person to help you
I know this may be controversial to some of you, but: unlicensed Christian counselors and pastors are not trauma-informed and not abuse-informed. They mean well, but they will likely not be able to identify what is going on, nor will they be able to recognize that they are in over their heads.
Get help from someone who is trained in dealing with trauma.
5. Staying is probably not helping your children
I stayed because I mistakenly thought it would be better for my children. But actual data show that children who are living in a high-discord household do better if their parents divorce.
Also: if you think you're hiding it well from your children, take it from me: they know far more than you think they do. I'm a next-level cover-upper (my parents didn't even know what was going on), but still, my children did.
(I recognize that in cases where physical danger is a problem, this advice may not apply. I defer to experts in this area. But in my case, I strongly regret staying. If I could go back in time, I would leave far, far sooner.)
6. Your mothering will probably be better as a single mom
When a marriage is sucking the life out of you, you cannot live up to your full mom potential. A healthy person makes a better mom.
7. You don't need to figure out WHY he does this
To some extent, the why is irrelevant. Maybe he has a personality disorder, maybe he is depressed, maybe he has past trauma, maybe he is stressed...who knows?
The important thing is to decide: Is the way he's treating me acceptable?
Natalie Hoffman says it's like sitting next to someone who keeps kicking your shins, even though you've tried everything to get them to stop. It doesn't really matter WHY he's kicking your shins; you simply need to decide if you want to keep sitting within reach of a shin-kicker for the rest of your life.
Maybe you want to sit further away, or maybe you want to leave the vicinity of the shin-kicker altogether.
8. Ask yourself, "How would I behave?"
Many of us who stay in these marriages for decades are kind, compassionate, sensitive people. But we accept behavior we'd never accept out of ourselves.
If you wonder, "Is his behavior problematic?", just ask yourself, "If the roles were reversed, how would I behave?"
If it's different than what he's doing, you have a mismatch between your standard for your behavior and your standard for his behavior.
Imagine you kicked someone's shins, even by accident. When you realized you hurt the other person, you'd apologize, you'd make amends, you'd make efforts not to kick them again, right?
Ergo, his unrepentant shin-kicking is unacceptable.
9. You don't have a mental illness; you have a bad relationship
When I was married, my anxiety levels were through the roof. I was constantly jumpy and high-strung.
I also had many symptoms of major depressive disorder, including (toward the end) unwanted suicidal ideation (I had a persistent thought that I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.)
Like magic, these things disappeared when I left my marriage. I was not mentally ill; these were just very sensible reactions to a relationship that was harmful.
10. You can't fix him
No matter...
- how much you submit
- how respectful you are
- how many of his needs you meet
- how helpful you are
- how encouraging you are
- how small you make yourself
- how quiet you are
- how kind you are
- how attractive you are
- how much you say yes
....you cannot change him. You do not have that kind of power, and furthermore, it is not your responsibility to change a grown adult. He is his own responsibility; his shortcomings are not your fault.
11. There's hope! You can rebuild!
When I left my marriage, I blew my life up in a lot of ways. Still, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made, and every single solitary day since I left has been better than living in my marriage.
I still regularly feel astonished at the level of freedom and peace I experience now; I have to pinch myself sometimes to believe it is real and true, and that I never have to go back.
I wish I'd left earlier, but I'm so grateful I left when I did. Twenty-five years in a harmful marriage is sad, but fifty years would be far worse!
_________________
This feels a little bit scary to publish, because it's so public. But I'm going to take a deep breath and do it anyway, in the hope that my words will reach someone who needs to hear them.
If you've also left a harmful marriage, what advice would you add to mine?
P.S. A few helpful resources:
- Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (This is THE book that helped me see I needed to leave for good.)
- Is it Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Christian Marriage by Natalie Hoffman (she also runs the Flying Free Sisterhood, a support group/program)
- Life-Saving Divorce, a site run by Gretchen Baskerville, a Christian
- Tips on finding a trauma-informed therapist (a long-standing harmful marriage often results in Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
- Some summary points from Why Does He Do That?
P.P.S. If you want to respond to this post but don't want to leave a public comment, you can email me; I sometimes take a while to reply, but I do usually get around to responding to everyone who emails me. 🙂
Kristen, You are an amazing woman and I wish you all the happiness in the future! You are proof that women, in general, can do hard things on their own. One of my favorite things you have written...it was years ago, when you repaired something...was when you said you don't need whiskers for that! YOU can stand on your own.
@Dianne, I still. Love and use the , you don’t need whiskers for that .
@Bella,
Me too!!
@Bella, I think of this whenever I'm being handy around the house
@Ally, I might have said this to someone just a couple weeks ago even!
Reading today's post was a bit painful—I had no idea your marriage was THAT bad. I'm glad you had the courage to leave. We can't change the past (a friendly reminder to myself ;-)), but we can change the present and make wise decisions for the future.
Thank you for this very personal post, I'm sure it will help others. You are a wonderful person, don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise. I'm glad you're still here and enjoying your new life to the fullest!
I Love your courage, strength and the person you have become . All happiness from here on for you and all your children.
Thank you for your courage.
Kristen, your willingness to speak so honestly to so many may spark a light in someone's darkness. May God bless you for that - and for your endless compassion for others.
@Mary ~ Reflections Around the Campfire, I fully agree.
Thank you for your bravery! While I cannot relate personally, past work experience in DV shelters and with protecting children from abuse/neglect tells us there are not enough people speaking up and sharing their stories.
THANK YOU for promoting actual counseling and not just "talk to your pastor"- education is important here!
@jes, I agree!
@PD, And if you feel counselor not helping don't be afraid to seek a different counselor.
@Regina,
So much this. I think it’s a struggle to defy the authority of a “professional” but our first therapist looked at my articulate, well educated, successful husband and immediately kicked me to the curb. That set me back a year.
Kristen, I believe that this will reach someone today who needs it. You have blessed someone with your courage. Have a wonderful day. ?
You are a beautiful soul, Kristen. Thank you for sharing this, even though I'm sure it was beyond scary. I know it will help other women who are in an abusive marriage. You have turned your sorrow and pain into a way to help others, through this blog, your career, your mothering, and in the joyful way you live.
You are so courageous in leaving this marriage and in the life you have carved out for yourself afterwards thank you for sharing.
Thank you. You said it so well. Its been almost 30 years since the end of my emotionally abusive marriage. Back then, I kept being told to pray for reconciliation and a restored marriage. That was so oppressive for me. Before my dad died, he told to never go back with my husband.
Thanks again Kristen. Much appreciated.
@Lynn, it infuriates me that so many religions oppress women and enable abusive men. Sometimes it's the religion itself, sometimes it's the practitioners; either way, it does not reflect well on the religion.
Reading your post made me want to give you a big hug. Thank you for sharing; I am sure your words will be helpful to many.
?? number 4 though ??
I cannot Cause it.
I cannot Control it.
I cannot Cure it.
Other helpful books that were Start Here and Out of the Fog (pages 252-255 on insincere versus sincere remorse were eye opening for me) by Dana Morningstar and The Choice to Leave Abuse by Ryan Anderson ( the lists of what different forms of abuse can look like.. I threw that book a few times because ??).
There are really good things that the Bible says and that people attribute to the Bible for hurting but healing people who want to together look to God to restore their marriages that can be easily twisted to keep victims in unhealthy abusive relationship…. When we look at these teachings, we have to say the quiet part *except for when there is abuse* out loud.
I’m proud of you, Kristen. ??
@Desirae, so true
When we look at these teachings, we have to say the quiet part *except for when there is abuse* out loud.
Among your many qualities is this PSA. Not only will you help people directly but also indirectly. You have made me much more aware of what so many are enduring. I hope that should the opportunity arise I will be better informed and able to help others in a similar situation.
@K D, what you said. Bravo for Kristen!
Kristen, you are kind, and brave, and wonderful. This new and wonderful live is hard earned and well deserved. You are a blessing to so many people, including yourself.
You really do have a talent for writing on very sensitive subjects in a clear and affecting way. Even--or maybe especially--when they are very personal. And you are using this talent for good. Proud of you for what you have done in your own life, and what you are trying to do for others.
@kristin @ going country, yes, so true!
@kristin @ going country, You put it perfectly. Kristen is one of the few bloggers I know who uses the platform not only to educate but to reach out to those who are struggling.
@kristin @ going country,
Well put!
I would add that if the OP has repeatedly not agreed to therapy/went once & refused to go back & then later said to you we need therapy take that cautiously.
In my experience & many marriage/family counselors over many years that if you have to drag them/beg to go & they refuse to acknowledge anything then they most likely never will. For me when he left (again) & said therapy I thought that maybe (finally) there was hope. Little did I know the huge red flag that was. The false hope (& continued anger) only to find out how to hurt me the most while putting up pretending behavior/choices.
I would warn of thinking of letting them back without actually seeing change. Regrettably I did & marriage counselor & separate individual counselor) tried to warn of not proving better long term actions.
Know that someone who loves you should not cause you reoeated pain. Know you are enough just as you are. 🙂 That you are worthy of Love.
Know that not everyone will know/understand & that's ok. The people who really know you & care are the people who matter. The other's will figure it out eventually, & if not that's ok.
Kristen, Thank you for sharing such personal information about your own life. It is a difficult conversation for many but it is also an important part of healing. You are an inspiration to myself & so many others knowing that there is a possibility of a better life. May your own experience have a positive impact on someone who is experiencing this.
My period was MIA for about the last 6 years of an unhealthy relationship. Gyn couldn't figure it out, hormone therapy didn't work. Shortly after we separated it reappeared. The body knows!
Thank you for your willingness to expire your own journey for the benefit of other. #selfless
*SHARE your journey
(Autocorrect, we need to talk. ;))
Thank you so much for sharing this about your marriage. I am currently stuck in an 18 year abusive marriage (not physical, but emotional, spiritual, and verbal). It’s encouraging to hear that you made it to the other side side and are flourishing. I put everything I had into trying to escape (I have five kids) after being a stay at home mom for 13 years, but then I got cancer and ended up in a 2 month coma and spent the last 2 years in recovery. My only option was to move in with my parents and have them take care of me or stay with my husband and have him take care of me. I chose the latter so I could be near my kids and keep a close eye. Now I’m stuck and unable to work to support us, so there is no where to go. These types of abusive relationships are very harmful to our emotional and physical health. It’s encouraging to see someone who made it out ♥️
@Lyndsey, I'm sorry that you're going through such difficult times. Hoping for strength, health, and encouragement for you!
@Lyndsey, please reach out for counseling, especially if you have insurance. My (now Ex) husband insurance had EAP (employer assistance program) where there was FREE Mental health help. Up to 4-5 visits (individual) & same for family (which can be individual & talk about how to help kids) per year that NO ONE IS GOING TO FIND OUT. Many have phone/vitual option if can't go there physically for sessions. A really good counselor will be able to privately help you with other outside resources for your situation.
Please be safe & consider getting more help. There are other options for you & your children when you are ready.
@Lyndsey,
I'm saying a prayer for you. God bless you and your children.
@Regina, I second this.
@Lyndsey, keep trying to get out. I'm praying for your healing and strength. Here's my phone number if you just want to talk with someone he doesn't know. 806-324-7049. I'm in Amarillo Texas but to help someone I would travel anywhere. I mean that. I have family in California, Montana, Oregon, and Colorado. Praying!
@Lyndsey, also friends across of the US.
@Lyndsey, I couldn't just scroll by without saying something here. There's no real words, but please know I am sending you every good vibe I know how to wish on someone else that you are next to make it to the other side. I'm so sorry you had to deal with such a difficult experience when you were already in a bad situation.
@Lyndsey, I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
@Lyndsey, please keep yourself and your children strong in the face of these challenges. Know within yourself that you are enough and that maintaining that idea may help you see when small opportunities present themselves for finding a path forward. Your facing the challenges in your recovery shows that you are strong and willing to get to a better place. The members of this blog are rooting for you.
@Lyndsey, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I'd be happy to talk to you about financial stuff, if you'd like. Obviously I can't see your email address on here, but I know Kristin can, so Kristin, feel free to pass my email along to Lyndsey so we can talk directly.
@Lyndsey, forgot to note that I'm a licensed CPA, so I'm very good when it comes to financial stuff 😉
@Lyndsey,
Stay safe, stay strong!
@Lyndsey, you've gotten such good support & advice so far, but just a note to let you know that I'm cheering for you.
@Ginger Bruce, thank you so much for your offer to help & advice ♥️ it’s so encouraging to see this community of women be so kind. I have been reading Kristin’s blog since the beginning. I never usually comment, but I am a faithful reader. This post really resonated with me. I sometimes feel like there is no way out. But I am trusting the Lord and taking it one day at a time as I get stronger. It was important for me to stay close to my kids while recovering because my husband has been verbally abusive to them too. I’m in Southern Ontario, Canada and from what I can see our resources are quite different here ? I reached out to several DV women’s shelters when I tried to leave before and honestly, they weren’t much help. All our shelters are full and no one could offer support. I am trying to start a business that will allow me to work from home around my physical limitations. I am praying I see some success and will be able to bring in an income.
@NK, you are so kind, thank you so much ♥️
@Lyndsey, I don't know if any of this is helpful, but there are some helplines and an app for people in your situation on here:
https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/services.html
I am sending you a big hug. I am so sorry you are in this position. Would it be ok for me to email you?
@Kristen, yes please do
@Sophie in Denmark, thank you so much
@Lyndsey, hey, I live in Montreal, have you heard of chez Doris in Montreal? Here’s my email if you want to chat mariavidakis@hotmail.com
@Lyndsey, oh dear, i am so sorry for thesituation you are in. wish i had room in my 750 sq foot apt for you.
@Lyndsey,
I, too, am rooting for you, and for the right opportunity (or series of opportunities) to present itself to you to be able to leave with your kids (unless they are of an age where they are out on their own). Hugs to you as you grow in strength.
@Regina, There's an amazing Ask A Manager post that is an interview with an EAP employee. I had no idea what a great resource an EAP could be until I read that.
@Lyndsey, like others, I couldn't read this and not say something. You have been very strong and you can do this.
@Lyndsey,
Here are some links that could maybe be helpful.
There's also specific ressources depending of your area (Ottawa, Toronto, etc). Please find help, you and your kids deserve better!
https://www.ontario.ca/page/connect-supports-survivors-violence
https://www.legalaid.on.ca/services/domestic-abuse/#:~:text=Call%20us%20at%201%2D800,speak%20with%20a%20legal%20professional.
https://www.sadvtreatmentcentres.ca/
https://theredwood.com/emergency-shelter/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22501285320&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIi8e-sJm9kAMVN5ciBR1dcTm7EAAYASAAEgJ0q_D_BwE
@Lyndsey, I am sending you every good wish I can for one of these wonderful resources to come through for you and your kids. Please know how much you are loved here.
Hi Kristin, You mentioned Patreon, I'm not sure what that is or how a person would find it unless you listed it and/or told us about it.
@Lori, the link to her Patreon in the first sentence. Please be aware, there is a small paywall – $10 or $11 per month.
@Meg in SoTx, the link to her Patreon *is* in the first sentence *of this blog entry.*
(Far from the first time I have wished for an edit function in the comment section.)
Sending you and everyone who is/has suffered abuse so much love. It is not normal. It is not ok. And there are loving marriages out there where these things don't happen. You all deserve respect and love.
@Carla G, yes! This!!
And thank you, Kristen, for writing and publishing such an important post. You deserve a lot of credit for the way you've moved forward with your family and yourself as well.
Thank you!
Kristen, I know you changed someone's life today with this blog post. I've seen marriages like what you describe and encouraged and supported friends who have left them. I 100% agree that one is a better single parent than when married in a toxic relationship. We have to think about what we are telling our children is acceptable, especially daughters who may follow in our footsteps. I'm so thankful for you.
Thank you for sharing this. Your words truly resonate with me. I also left a marriage after 25 years—a decision that deeply changed the course of my life. For a long time, I stayed because of my children, my church, and the counsel I received, which often urged me to read more scriptures and have more faith. Eventually, I left the church as well.
Though the journey was painful and something I had to face alone, it brought me to a place of genuine happiness. Five years later, that old life feels like a distant memory. I’m now new, different, and so much stronger. Thank you again for your post, and I wish you continued peace and happiness.
@AV, congratulations. You did a hard thing.
So true!
"If someone doesn’t want to get help, they probably aren’t interested in changing or growing. In such a case, relationship therapy will be an expensive and traumatizing waste of time, and the uninterested party is likely to repeatedly bail out when pressed on their behavior."
Thank you for your raw post
Kristen,
Thank you for publishing this and your bravery in sharing your story. I was in an abusive marriage but didn’t realize it at the time - he had an affair while I was pregnant with our youngest and moved out when she was 3 months old. My ppd brain thought that I should fight for our marriage, but 10 years later I’ve realized - like you said in your post - that I’m a better mom and person without being married to him. I can be more of who I am rather than who he wanted me to be. No lie, it’s hard, but it has been so worth it.
Thank you Kristen for your bravery. I pray that those who need this information for themselves or for a friend or relative will be reached. When my son revealed to us that his marriage was abusive I suggested that he should hoard any money that he could at our house in a safe hiding spot. He did side jobs for cash and she took the money from him. He did hide some but she still emptied both personal and business accounts when he left. So my advice is to financially plan for leaving both in saving some cash and protecting assets. We were in a position to loan him money for the lawyer. But several people gifted him money. So if you know someone who is leaving an abusive marriage and are able to gift money - anonymously if you wish - that is very helpful and supportive. Again Kristen I fully support you in sharing this information as it could save not just money but could save lives.
@Nancy,
I wish I had done that. I had a 35 year job that I have nothing to show. Taxes went into his name, so I won’t even get SS. This is part of why it’s so difficult. Money is necessity. 44 years of WASTED life.
Debbie,
I’m awfully sorry for your circumstances. I don’t know the details, but this is info from the social security website:
Can someone get Social Security benefits on their former spouse's record?
If you are divorced and your marriage lasted at least 10 years, you may be able to get benefits on your former spouse's record and your former spouse may be able to get benefits on your record.
@Cheryl in IL,
Yes thank you. I have seen this info. One dilemma I need to
research is I read that you can file on his while married other wise if divorced have to wait 2 years after divorce. I started the divorce but asked them to hold the last paperwork while trying to figure this all out. I used a service just to file the forms
since I could not afford an attorney. Two years is not long but with no income it is. They don’t make it easy.
@Debbie, Maybe I'm not understanding what you wrote. If you had a formal job, then SS was automatically deducted from -your-pay and, therefore, are recorded in -your- name.
According to p 8 of this SSA pamphlet
https://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10035.pdf
You can get SS based on a divorced spouses income if you're at least 62 and a couple of other things. Divorced for 2 years is NOT one of the listed conditions.
Good advice.
Another yardstick I would apply: would you find it ok for your child to live in a similar relationship/marriage? Could you understand if they left?
It is ok to be as kind to yourself as to someone else.
You are a strong woman, Kristen. The important thing is that you left, even if it was after tolerating years of discord and abuse.
I’m sure the fallout was heavy- fractured relationships with his side of the family, your church, common friends, etc.
I know you might not be comfortable talking about how it changed your relationship with your church and church leaders who were offering help that wasn’t appropriate.
My feeling is that our direct relationship with God is paramount- the church leaders and members -though I’m sure we’ll meaning but with a very defined view of things- are secondary. Sometimes we need to pivot.
❤️
Kristen,
That by far is the very best blog post you have ever written! Thank you.
I've never been married, and for years this made me very, very sad. But lately, I am waking up to the fact that being in charge of my own life, making my own decisions and not having to "decide things by committee" is a wonderful thing. Of course, it has many disadvantages, having to face problems alone and not having children, but I've also talked to a friend whose ex was all sweetness and light before the wedding and a monster afterwards. In a previous job, coworkers would say "she has 3 children," when the lady coworker only had two....the third being her husband; usually, within a year, the lady would have left the marriage.
And I'm hearing a lot about (immature, selfish) men who sit around playing video games and watching sports on TV while they expect their wife to hold down a job, cook, clean, grocery shop, do the laundry, raise the kids, keep herself looking like a super model -- and satisfy his physical needs. They think their fair share/contribution is taking out the garbage and ordering her around. Maybe they also mow the grass or repair things. Sometimes they even quit their job so that she has the burden of supporting them! They'll spend $$$ like crazy on THEIR hobbies, even if they didn't earn it.
I think your write-up today should be given to every young lady on the planet before she gets involved with someone! (Just in case....)
Oh, and I wonder if you could send it out to high schools, colleges, Employee Assistance Programs, domestic violence shelter social workers and pastors doing pre-marriage counseling, etc.
Get out as soon as you can. It really is worth it. I left my abusive husband just before finals in my first year of law school. The totally wrong time to upend your life. And I did it and it was worth it.
Let your friends know what is going on. They'll be supportive and help you out. A friend put the deposit on an apartment for me. Another hired a U-haul. They both helped me physically move out along with 2 others. I've moved across the country 4 times now, and I'm still in contact with these friends.
You can do it. I know it doesn't feel like. I know it feels inevitable. But it's not. You can make this positive change in your life. Looking back on it, I honestly don't know how I let it get that bad.
You can find love again, after you work on yourself. I went through lots of therapy, including for PTSD, and spent time learning about myself. I learned to do things for myself, to be proud of myself. I finished law school! I went to library school! I made new friends! I got a job! These were all things I didn't see ahead in my life while still married.
Good for you! I’m so glad you’re on the happy side of this momentous decision.
Thanks for being brave and caring for others enough to post this. You didn't have to, but you did.
Talking about it to anyone at any level is hard but so helpful to others who are in similar situations.
As a social worker, I approve this message! Many communities have free interpersonal violence resources available that include counseling, support groups, shelter, legal services, etc. I also want to add, if someone is in an abusive relationship where children are also present, please seek counseling for them. Research shows that the earlier counseling is available for children following traumatic events, the better the outcome. Abuse is often cyclical. Thank you for sharing!
@Corrine,
I have yet to find any. I live in a multi million people city. Domestic yes, but emotional I can’t find, for free especially.
I left a bad relationship, and have absolutely zero regrets. He was such a wonderful person 2/3 of the time, but it didn't outweigh the way he acted during that horrible 1/3 of the time. It took me time to understand that no positive 2/3 was worth the miserable 1/3. I had a lot of guilt, and people who only ever observed the 2/3 thought I was nuts. Again, I still have no regrets.
Thank you for sharing, and I hope what you wrote so eloquently helps others.
Kristen: What a brave and honest post. You are truly inspiring. I hope that your decision/leadership in your own life helps you to strengthen and heal your relationships with ALL your children. xo
You write so well about difficult subjects. I'm sure someone who needs to hear this will. I was married for 55 years and had a wonderful marriage, so it is possible. He was kind, loving, and always supportive. You showed incredible courage to leave your abusive marriage. If in the future you find a partner you want to marry, I hope he is kind, loving, and supportive.
Thank you for being bold enough to open up in such an honest way! As someone who was in a very toxic, narcissistic relationship before I met my husband, I can agree with all the things you’ve said. Life CAN be so beautiful, so it’s not worth wasting it with people that hurt you.
I admire your courage
Thank you, Kristen. This is an important post and I'm thankful you shared it.
Wow, this is so powerful. Thank you so much for posting it. I've never been married, but I had a front-row seat to a marriage like this. So, I think everything you posted is spot on.
Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? was the single most life-changing book I've ever read. I read it for my fiction writing because one of my characters (a woman) is in an abusive marriage and I wanted to be as accurate as possible. I was surprised by how I saw some of my own experiences (an an observer of a harmful marriage) in it.
What would you (and the general commentariat here) say about someone who's in a marriage like what you described, but doesn't see it / shows no intention of leaving? I ask because I think my cousin is in a harmful marriage, but she has no resources to leave (three very small children, no job or money because he made her quit her nursing career), nor shows any intention of wanting to (they're both quite religious and seem to "not believe in divorce;" while divorce isn't ideal, I think it's better than suffering in a bad marriage for decades!).
@NK,
She might not know it’s abuse. Can you afford to buy her books?
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft
The Life Saving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville
Crush your divorce and keep your faith (Christian divorce attorney)
The choice to leave abuse by Ryan Anderson
Start here by Dana Morningstar
@April, I've been wanting her to read Why Does He Do That? ever since I read it. Maybe that needs to be my Christmas present to her this year. 🙂 Thank you for the suggestions!
@NK, how will she be able to read it without her husband knowing??
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, An ebook on her phone? 😉 Of course, if her husband monitors her phone, there goes that idea...
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, Put a different dustcover on it?
@NK,
My BFF is a devout Catholic, and never ever thought divorce would be an option for her. After suffering through a toxic marriage for almost 30 years (and after her ex had verbally and emotionally abused herself and their son for years, and then him physically beating up their son), she did exactly that. She is 1000% better off, and so is their son. Their daughter "could do no wrong" in ex's eyes, but she has nothing to do with her dad at this point.
@Liz B., Thank you for telling me and I feel so bad for your friend! I am glad she is free of him and that toxic marriage. My cousin is (or rather, became, as neither of us was raised very religiously) very Catholic as well.
@NK, the most important thing is that she knows you're there, without judgement, if/when she needs you. Keep the lines of communication open. So many capsule-be supporters give up and shut the lines, leaving the abused without support. Mind you, this is hard to do and you may get very frustrated while keeping in comms.
I wouldn't give her the book, lest her husband sees it. Does she ever visit you without him? Maybe she could read it then. Or maybe a sympathetic public librarian could keep it aside her her, to read there without checking it out in her name.
Yessssss to all of this. I love your freedom, and I love how you are helping other women get free. You are amazing.
Good on you, Kristen. I think this will help a lot of people.
I love this post. I mean obviously I wish it didn't need to exist and you had no personal experience to draw on to write it too. It really will help other people and your story is such a testament to starting over, with experience, for yourself, and making something magic even when life doesn't follow the plan or path you thought it would.
I actually found your blog in the early days of my own similar sounding relationship, when what I know now was financial abuse started. Thankfully I'm on the other side of that now too but it's kind of special that your messages ended up being far more relatable than I ever realized they would be.
Like you, I too left an abusive marriage of 26 years. When I left, I felt terrible—like you, now I feel it was the best decision ever and I should have left sooner.
My marriage was abusive in many ways, it wasn’t until I left that I could really understand those subtle but profound ways. It was hard to leave, I had made a promise but I did not sign up to be a victim, to be bullied, put down, yelled at or controlled.
Today, I feel better and my kids get a healthy happy thriving mom.
@Diana, the promise is two-sided. If one partner violates the promise, why should the other be held to it?
I was in a abusive marriage for almost 18 years. I did not realize I was in an abusive relationship. He did not hit me or keep me from doing something overtly. But there was lots of covert stuff. I do wish I'd done things differently. One of my vivid memories of in this relationship was a day that we were arguing or something and his response was and I quote at least I don't hit you unquote. All I could say at that time was say what does that mean? And stare with my mouth agape. I still didn't leave at that point but that was a huge red flag in my situation. It wasn't until I got in a another actual physical abusive relationship that I realized how abusive my marriage was. Almost 20 years later and I still have issues from my marriage that I need to deal with. Also, when I tell people about that marriage they ask me if I became a Christian after that. And I say no I was a Christian before that. They just don't understand. It's a stigma and it needs to change.
Thank you so much Kristen for sharing.
And to anyone who thinks they might be in abusive relationship. Get out sooner than later. Your health will thank you.
Long time reader, first time commenter, chiming in to say that your vulnerability and willingness to share are such a gift. Sending lots of love and gratitude to you.
thank you. from experience the advice re non licensed Clerical "help" is the best. Primarily vague generalizations and definitely reabusive advice. Has to be the complaining partners lack of trying to make a good relationship.
no not in that situation any longer.
I actually have seen a couple of terrible people change and their families healed, when the persons came to faith, but that's been extremely rare. I think most of these types are never going to think they need to change. How many abusers are narcissists? I would assume a lot of them are.
I also knew a family in which the wife was emotionally abusive and one in which the wife was physically abusive. Men don't typically admit they are bullied, so I always wonder how much happens that we don't know about. The first one I mentioned, the husband never left, but he died suddenly in his early sixties. The second one, the husband finally left after his wife tried to run him over with her car. But yes, unfortunately, men statistically are the most likely to do this, over and over again, with each new wife and girlfriend. I hate even saying that, because there are so many, many men who would never, ever do that to anyone, much less to a spouse or child.
Anyway: good post! I believe marriage ideally is till death do us part, but we don't live in a perfect world with perfect people. I believe it's worth fighting for, but if only one is fighting for it, it's like trying to bail out the Titanic with a bucket. I hate to see marriages end; by the same token, my controlling first husband abandoned me, which I soon came to realize was a good thing to have happened. I also admit that if I had opened my eyes and used my brain, I would have seen through his "charming" act and I never would have married him in the first place, so there is that.
Therefore I applaud the till-death-do-us-part marriages and offer my sympathy to those who were in marriages that were simply intolerable and had to leave.
I was stuck in a troubling relationship for years. Thankfully, after several unsuccessful attempts to free myself, I got out before I married the POS. I agree with everything you have written with one exception (and I say this as a lifelong Christian): members of your church, including the clergy and other church leaders, ARE NOT ALWAYS WELL-INTENTIONED. If you are being held back, sabotaged, emotionally abused, physically abused, or feeling that your relationship is very unhealthy, please do what you can to safely extricate yourself without worrying about repercussions within your church. God loves you whether or not you stay in your marriage. If your church is telling you otherwise, it is time to find a new faith community. Also, please know that a free copy of Why Does He Do That? is available here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Your courage will definitely help others. Thank you for sharing! I hate what you went through and happy clap for you often on your new path!
You are an amazing and brave woman and a wonderful role model to your children, and anyone you encounter!
Wow. This opened up some old wounds. Thank you again for sharing this. I forget how blessed I am now and how many still suffer.
I have followed you throughout your ordeal and as a divorced woman of a child at the time, I completely agree with your advice. I have been so happy for you as I have seen you emerge and follow your dream. And there is hope after divorce, I have remarried and had 2 children since. Stay strong and thank you for sharing!
Kristen, thank you thank you for your brave words here. I know it must take a lot of courage to be open about this topic. I admire your ability to be honest and respectful.
I am someone long out of a bad marriage (narcissistic abuse, and I was counseled by people who knew how bad it was that ‘God wanted me to redeem my marriage’) and I agree with everything you wrote here. I’d like to emphasize especially your sixth point. I don’t see enough people talking about how much your mothering (parenting) can change and grow when you are out of a bad situation, and when you are not responsible for maintaining your husband’s (or partner’s) ‘standards’ or rules with which you don’t agree and even find harmful. Not to mention how feeling hope and joy change your posture towards everyone and everything. My oldest child (an adult now) said to me that they don’t think we’d have the relationship we do now if I had stayed with their father. Yes, it was difficult and painful and sometimes it still is. But it was worth it and I still wake up relieved to be out of that. And I now have the kindest, most patient and loving partner who can actually return the love I give, who prioritizes my feelings, and who does their best for us as a couple and family, and not just what they want for themselves. I say that so that others know it’s possible. There is always hope. Thank you Kristen for spreading that hope - it means more than you’ll ever know.
And to those who can’t leave - I wish you respite and peace. You are not alone.
I've read your blog for YEARS but I don't think I have ever commented. This advice is SPOT ON! I divorced after 21 years and my only regret is not doing it sooner. I have thrived, my children learned an important lesson on boundaries, and 25 years later I have an almost perfect life with another man who is so respectful and kind that it continues to blow my mind. YOU ARE WORTHY OF THIS AS WELL!
I believe it in the loving Nursing spirit and heart in you that makes you feel you can be so vulnerable as to share this and you are doing an incredible service for so many women! BRAVA!!! All of your advice/sharing is very balanced and real and based in FACT. I know many will be helped by your willingness to share your experience.
I worked in women’s health care and you especially hit the nail on the head when you mention that ALL kinds of abuse affect the BODY and physical health.
I hope many many women wake up as they read your words about the freedom and joy that is possible when you make a change for the better.And, IT TAKES A VILlAGE. NO ONE CAN DO IT ALONE!
You absolutely offer a way out and some very measured and sane ideas on how to get started to freedom!!
My sister’s college roommate married a guy who punched the wall while they were dating. Why did anyone attend their wedding?! Tell her not to marry him!
He essentially got full custody of their four kids.
She sees them every other weekend.
Men who will abuse you will also find ways to ruin your life after marriage too if young kids are included.
How do we help women not to marry such men? How do we help women to get out of the marriage before kids or after one child?
What steps do women need to take not to be abused in the custody decision process? What needs to be documented? Recording laws?
What are red flags? Even on the honeymoon?
@April, these are my questions as well.
How do we help our children see red flags in their relationships? Or are abusive individuals so good at hiding their true natures that they can fool everybody until it’s too late?
I truly would love to hear some advice on what to look for to help our young people have a better chance at finding emotionally healthy partners!
One thing: observe how the person reacts when they don't get what they want. See what happens when you say no to something.
Even toddlers can be delightful when they get exactly what they want. But if you are emotionally mature adult, it shows in how you react to a "no" or a disappointment.
@Jules, I'm not any kind of expert, but I think a very telling sign is to watch how the person who you are dating treats people who they don't have to be nice to. Are they rude to waiters? Do they make fun of people with disabilities or whose bodies don't conform to their ideals? How do they treat elderly people? Are they a rude driver? People who are dating tend to show their best side, and hide their flaws. Look for chinks in the armor. Nobody is perfect, but signs of rudeness or cruelty are definitely red flags.
I think time is also important. Life throws curveballs and if you watch a person long enough, they will inevitably be in situations where you can observe their responses to challenging situations. If you don't like what you see in a dating relationship, it won't improve with marriage. At that point, they have "won" you and no longer need to make an effort to impress you.
Teach kids at a young age that dating is similar to job interviewing. You are "interviewing" the other person to see if they are a potential match. Encourage them to go slowly and not allow themselves to be emotionally invested too quickly. I have had 2 friends who "fell in love " and decided to marry the person while on their first date. Neither marriage ended well. I called the cops on one person's husband because she was trying to flee, and I feared for her life. I was several states away at the time and that was a tricky scenario.
I hope this is helpful. Kristen, if you think that I have touched on anything useful, feel free to reprint this. I know that I am late to the party.
@Jules, to me, the first red flag is someone who tried to isolate or alienate you from others. Dependency is pretty much a requirement of abuse.
The second is how they treat others. Even if they treat you special now, who's to say it won't change later.
Remember what Maya Angelou said, to pay attention when people show you who they are.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Kristen if I were a writer I could have written your post. My first marriage was very abusive although not physically so. I had two children, one with serious mental and emotional problems from birth; and always felt like a single parent who was responsible for everything because my husband put his needs and wants first. Bills need to be paid, guess I was paying them or they wouldn't be paid.
I thought, I can't do this myself, it's too hard even when he only did the bare minimum and when something with the kids wasn't what he wanted to deal with even if I was at work and they were normally asleep, he'd call and require me to leave work to come home. It was a nightmare, but I thought it was better than nothing.
After a more than a decade I thought, I can't do this anymore, I was in an acute major depression and had horrible anxiety. I had caught a horrible case of pneumonia that had me hospitalized for 4 days, while there I was told more than once that if something happened to me he would give the children up to CPS (Child Protective Services). I knew my mom would be there for them thankfully. I had suicidal ideations and how I would do it but always knew that I couldn't do that to my children, they didn't deserve that, and I loved them too much to put them through it.
I sought mental health treatment after I had a breakdown, therapy and medications saved my life. It was a long hard road to move through it and I am so thankful every day for the help I received. My husband refused to attend couples therapy and even when my therapist wanted him to come with me to one appointment he refused.
When I reached the point that I decided I couldn't stay any longer I told him I wanted a divorce, within weeks of that conversation he had a doctor's appointment; he had uncontrolled diabetes and was dealing with a great deal of complications from it. At that appointment following him being hospitalized in a coma for days and his kidneys starting to show signs of failure he was told by the doctor that he would not survive another year because of his choices. Even then life didn't improve but I came to the decision that I couldn't walk away from the marriage and put our kids through that; I had loved him once and didn't want him to die alone , I didn't want to face the guilt of walking away. So instead of separating and filing for divorce I stayed. It didn't improve, in fact it got worse but I was determined to stick it out. I did, he passed away 14 months later.
The amount of relief I felt as he took his last breaths was something I can't even describe. I was sad for my children that he died but so thankful that the nightmare was over. Slowly we began to heal and with therapy for all of us I realized that the trauma of how life had been in the last several years of his life it would impact my children forever and I should have left so much sooner.
I will always tell someone to NEVER stay for the children, it doesn't help, it hurts them and sets an example that it's okay to accept the treatment. It's better for children to have 2 parents who don't live together and are happy than living together and are miserable. It leads to a very miserable home life whether you think it does or not, kids are smarter than we think.
Great advice. So happy to hear you are doing well and your daughter’s too.
Thank you for sharing.
I went through the same experience in my first marriage and know how difficult it is to share. Thank you for having the courage to do so here, to use your platform to (hopefully) help other people through it.
I will second everything above, and also add: if you do go to counseling, ensure you have a counselor who is aware of the abuse in your relationship and is specifically trained and willing to address it. Typical marriage counseling makes things worse, because it is very focused on validating the feelings of both parties--but your entire relationship already revolves around you trying to manage the abuser's feelings! The validation from the counselor only provides him more fodder.
Another note on Why Does He Do That?: I gave copies of it to certain friends and family as I was going through my divorce, because so many of them either didn't understand what was happening or tried to minimize it because my ex was "such a good guy" (because he put on such a good show outside our relationship). Unfortunately, a lot of people have the idea that physical abuse is the only kind of abuse that's "real"; emotional/psychological abuse is so insidious and so difficult to even put into words that not everybody gets what it is or how incredibly damaging it is. Bundy articulates it in an excellent, accessible way. I recommend it not only for any woman going through abuse herself, but also for anyone with a loved one they know or suspect is in a similar situation. And it should be required reading for any young person entering the dating world, so they know what to look for early on!
Kristen, I have read your blog for years but comment exceptionally rarely. But I have prayed for you every day since you first hinted at your marriage troubles years ago, because I know firsthand how awful it is (despite your discretion in not going into details). Your successes and your growth--educational, career, emotional, spiritual--are all a testament to your strength, grace, and bravery. It is amazing to see you thriving and living a life that brings you so much joy, and it makes me that much happier knowing you're doing it all with the freedom you deserve. I continue praying for the Lord to bless you and your beautiful family!
I am SO GLAD you got out too!
What a fantastic post! So glad you made it out.
Love this!! This is amazing. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing.
I am extremely blessed to be in a wonderful, loving, and healthy marriage. BUT as someone who has observed a few unhealthy ones up close, this information is needed by so many people.
Thank you for this. I wish I had realized these points years ago. I divorced after 35 years, I am grateful every day that I got out.
The day after we celebrated my parents' 60th wedding anniversary, my sister called me to ask that I find her a divorce attorney. She had been married for 30 years, and her reaction to my parents' celebration was "Thirty MORE years? I don't think so."
Mine was only 6 years but it seemed like 600.
I would add that
You are not a failure because you got into this marriage. I stayed in thinking it was the honaorable thing to do and I didn't want to be a divorce statistic.
But that's pure silliness.
Sending love and hugs,
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
I am gobsmacked that you were living in abuse and still managed to write such an affirming, positive, and just plain cheerful blog during all that. I know I would not have had the strength to do that. You rock.
Thank you, friend. <3
BRAVO! Excellent wisdom, carefully presented, thoughtfully written.
I tell you, when my mom left my dad it was the best thing that ever happened to her, and to me.
Truth!! All of this, so good. Excellent & needful advice with hard earned wisdom to back it.
I also "blew up" my life 5 years ago when I finally had enough & demanded change, also wished I would have done it sooner (I was 16 years into an abusive rapidly deteriorating "Christian" marriage). It was a similar timeline to Kristen, so her journey to freedom encouraged me.
My kids were young & the custody battle was long & brutal & costly. God provided a village of people to love & support & prop us up-because we also had kept it hidden, mostly because it wasn't safe to say anything but as I was just surviving & trying to be a "good wife" I didn't have words to describe what was happening.
It was all worth it to be free, my kids & I are flourishing & healing. We've been in trauma counseling for 5 years, I definitely still struggle PTSD & the kids still have unpleasant trauma responses. But we're learning & growing & we actually have a wonderful life now!
Biggest takeaway from Kristen's Very Brave Advice-all abuse eventually becomes physical. This actually hadn't really connected with my brain yet. But I know it to be completely true-our medical records can prove it!
And yes to a licensed counselor, even those can be duped by a slick operator but are less likely to be deceived.
Thank you Kristen for being brave & sharing publicly!!
Thank you, Kristen, for bravely sharing this. I know it will be helpful to someone reading this. In fact, my bff (who was going through a divorce at about the same time you were) could have written this....she and her ex (and their two kids) went to individual, family, and couples counseling before their divorce, but she had to drag her ex there, kicking and screaming, the few times he would attend. Apparently, at one point in ex's counseling (maybe it was during a couples counseling session), he was approaching something that must have been very traumatic in his past, and he refused to go forward and face whatever it was (which I do understand)....and then refused to go to counseling with that counselor again. (Sigh). To say their entire marriage of almost 30 years was a disaster is putting it lightly, but until the last 5 years or so, no one knew this. Ex is a textbook narcissist, and she found the book It's Not You (by Ramani Durvasala) to be very helpful. I bought the book because my mom is also a narcissist, but I haven't read it yet.
As far as kids knowing and seeing much more than we think they do: I 100% agree with this. My DH and I were going through a rough patch about 5 years ago - we had lost DH's mom after a long journey where she deteriorated and ultimately died due to vascular dementia, and we were both exhausted and frazzled. Thankfully, we worked through our issues, but shortly after this rough patch, any time DH and I would disagree about something (which doesn't happen often), our son would say "are you two getting a divorce?". (Grimace). It was easy to explain, at that point, that no, we were just disagreeing about something. He had clearly picked up on the prior tension in our house.
I have experienced the repeated quitting of counseling, and it is exhausting. You try so hard to get counseling to happen, you feel hopeful someone will finally help you, and then it all gets pulled out from under you again.
I was feeling so guilty about leaving my very physically abusive ex husband but my therapist once told me, ‘If your sister or your friend came and confided in you that her husband was doing the things your husband did to you, what would you tell her to do?’ I absolutely would have begged them to leave and think it was asinine if they felt one bit of guilt over it. It’s easier to get a clear view of what is actually happening if we thought about it happening to someone else that we love.
Also, I did kind of convince myself I just wasn’t capable of being the mom I always thought I would be. I wasn’t as available or patient or fun as I hoped I would be. Turns out, I just wasn’t those things in that context. I left my ex about 10 years ago, have remarried and have another child, and have been having revelations that I actually now (most of the time lol) am the parent I want to be! I am very patient and emotionally available. I’m intentional in a way I didn’t have the capacity to be when my older kids were little. In a lot of ways that makes me sad, but in a lot of ways I’m also glad they’re at least able to experience this side of me now and hopefully repair some of the damage that was caused when they were younger.
Yep! We are able to see that we would not expect anyone else to endure this. But somehow we expect ourselves to accept horrible behavior.
Thank you Kristen for having the courage to tell us how bad things had gotten. I’m so glad you made it to the other side and are thriving in your new life.
Amen, sister!
While I live in a happy marriage of 35 years, I have seen some very bad stuff happening and I come from an abusive family, so here is my addition:
Don`t get caught in the thinking that you spent so much time, energy and effort into it that it HAS to work out somehow. No. You need to start fresh. Think of a boat that is leaking and you put all your energy into staying afloat while someone at the same time keeps destructing it. You need to jump, swim, find an island and build your own boat. This one may be smaller or different, but it will be save, and you will be the one at the wheel. Scary? Yes. But there is no other option.
Plan your exit very well. Some people escalate when they lose control. So be as secretive as you can, find out who you could trust in an emergency situation, deposit not only money but relevant documents (or copies) somewhere else.
You don`t need to forgive the abuser, you can if you want, later, if you have time or space for it, but you need to forgive yourself for everything you think you did wrong: not sensing the person`s character before, not doing the right things, not leaving earlier - this is all in the past. You can only live life forward, so there is no need to beat you up on things you where not even able to control.
Forget what other people might say or think! They are not living your life, and chances these people will help you? 0
For those who see something goes terribly wrong in other relationships and want to help:
Keep the lifelines open. Do not push any decisions that may take the victim into more danger. Do not belittle their efford, as small as it might look from the outside. They have it bad enough and might shut down contact in total, because they made themself as small as they can, so they do not need an extra on this. Be patient, even if it is difficult. Listen more than give advice. If you can, document from the outside. Be alert that if the victim flees, the abuser might blame you and go after you, too.
Oof, my husband says I`m weirdly optimistic, so I put some hope on a good outcome for everyone reading and needing this.
Thank you for the advice and for your bravery. I’m sure it will help many women. I’m so happy that you left when you did!
Thank you for being brave enough to share this. I feel your insight applies to any relationship not just marriage. I used to think I had to turn the other cheek for authority (family, church, even job) figures. When I finally had enough and stood up for myself, it was interesting to see the varied responses. The turn the other cheek Bible verse is so misapplied. But my self respect level went up and I hope yours does too. You've made an amazing comeback and I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much for posting this. I think for people who are in a good marriage, it will be encouraging and maybe impart us with a little more compassion. For those who are not; I hope you get out and find strength and joy on the other side.
Re: chaplains: it's a major concern in military circles. They are not mandated reporters so they get all of the worst cases. I think their training is a little more robust than in the civilian world, but they aren't specialists like therapists are. I can't imagine the things they have to watch without having the ability to intervene.
While I am not in this situation myself, I feel like I might be more confident to speak to someone who might be after reading this post. And absolutely more sympathetic to someone in this situation. I am aware of two friends who are men who have abusive wives... and I think I might just check in on them right now. <3 Thank you for hitting publish today.
Do you ever think to yourself that you wish the present you could visit the past you and give her some encouragement? I have a lot of resentment and anger towards my husband, but sadly he is gone now, and it is too late for him to see me thriving. He had to have known I would, though. I think revenge is not necessarily a good thing to seek, but living your best life is the closest thing to it, and it sets a good example to your kids no matter what anyone else tells them, including their father.
P.S. this may show as a duplicate comment!
Oh, for sure. I would love to tell my past self all of these things, and help her see more clearly.
Sending you a hug!
This is so brave and thoughtful. Thank you so much for sharing this very personal experience with your audience. I know someone is seeing this at just the exact right time for them to be able to make their own brave choice.
wow. what a post. thanks.
You turned your pain into your strength,bravo
My first marriage was unhealthy. We had both come from trauma and as a young person I thought I could love him enough to fix it. Ha! When he looked to other women for attention while I was taking care of my dad with cancer, I did everything I could think of to save the marriage. Got thinner, tried to be sexier, worked on myself in every way possible. Guess what? It wasn't me. One of the best things a counselor asked me was "Do you love the man he was when you met? Or the man he is now?"
I was terrified to leave the only long-term relationship I'd known. I felt horrible that I was breaking the vow I'd made in front of God and everyone I knew... and I knew I was risking serious financial instability.
I am now many years out of that marriage and met truly the love of my life. We just celebrated 20 healthy years of marriage! Hooray. I can honestly say that I love the man he is now as much as the man I met 26 years ago.
I love how your story has turned out! Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Thank you for posting your vulnerable post. A year ago, heck even 4-5 yrs ago I needed to hear this. I recently went thru divorce and have been working thru abuse that took place. The only other thing I’d add is the book “It’s Not You” by Dr Ramani Durvasula (healing from narcissistic people), and “Strong Like Water” by Aundi Kolber (she talks a lot about trauma recovery).
Your #4 is extremely spot on (the rest are spot on but #4 is on steroids). Too many religious "counselors" (it is not limited to christians) have the mindset it is the woman's fault. Something she did or didn't do. I myself find that appalling.
You are in a better place and you have shown your daughters how to overcome if they ever find themselves in a similar relationship.
Thank you for sharing. Hopefully, someone reading will get that little nudge that helps them to decide, once and for all, to leave.
I would say that this advice applies to relationships in general, be it family or friends.
Abuse takes many forms, sometimes so subtle that outsiders may never see or understand what is going on. Many abusers are incredibly charming, especially to others. But it's their behavior toward you when alone that matters no matter how nice they are in public.
Women often tend to blame themselves (wrongly) for the issues that arise thinking, well, maybe it is me. Maybe I have created the problem. Abusers often do a great job of making you think that YOU, not them, are the problem. (You have heard of gaslighting, which also takes many forms?)
I had a friendship with someone who was both incredibly kind and generous AND abusive (emotionally). I truly could not get my head around it because how could the same person be so sweet and kind and then, like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Fortunately, I briefly sought professional help and learned that such behavior is more frequent than you can imagine with those who are, she told me, in essence, sociopaths. And, again, they can be incredibly charming in public so that few believe when you share what you've experienced in private.
Your writing really resonates with me, thank you for sharing this! Also, I love it when you recommend books!
I don’t think people in happy marriages can ever really understand what a bad marriage is like. I agree that if he wanted to change he would find a way before you left. I was in a similar position to you Kristen and it took me years to find the courage to leave and I’ve never regretted it even once, no matter how hard things were starting again. There’s always a future outside of an unhappy marriage , it’s just hard to see what that future is when you’re focused on your unhappiness.
Yes! When literally everything is easier on your own, you know your marriage was not a good one. It's a good confirmation that you made the right decision!
Thank you for sharing. I too left an abusive marriage (not so much physical abuse, more verbal/yelling/anger/substance abuse plus other things). My children are better off and have expressed that they are glad we separated. I am grateful that the Lord led me when to leave, I had been praying for release. It's been about five years now and God has faithfully led and held us up. My children and I have a wonderful life. As you said, every day is better than being in that marriage. You are doing so well and I'm happy to see you overcome and find joy after all the years of pain. May the Lord bless you and keep you and your children. May he heal your hearts and bind up your wounds.
About 25 years ago I was about to be engaged to an abusive man. I was in my early twenties and constantly on edge and feeling anxious and stuck. Things like lint on my couch or couch pillows in disarray would cause him to chastise me in rage about my inability to housekeep properly. I subtly tried to let people know what was going on and even had to ask people if it was normal to constantly be on the verge of a panic attack because my couch pillows weren’t perfectly placed. I didn’t have the guts to leave but God did a great thing of removing him from my life abruptly - and then sending him to live in a country in a part of the world completely opposite to mine. I often think about who I would be and what could have happened had I married this person. Thank God he saved me and now through prayer, good mentors, and counselors I feel much more free and confident. I am so encouraged and touched by your journey Kristen. You have been so gracious and kind throughout this process. And I am SURE you bring great joy and peace to each one of your patients each day 🙂
Oof I know this was hard to share but I commend you for sharing. It’s so important. I’m so sad for how you were treated by the church and pastors. But I’m glad you’re out and happy.
It’s not an abusive marriage and far less time than you were in your marriage but I worked with an ex-friend for 16 months, enduring over 40 hours a week of verbal abuse. The role it took on me physically was unbelievable and I had no idea until I left. (I was anxious and depressed but also wouldn’t eat or drink all day because I was so anxious. I’d go home starving and dehydrated) it’s not something you realize is happening so it’s good to point it out, for awareness sake.
This post hit home. I too remember a marriage where I was on "pins and needles" all of the time trying to make sure I did everything "right." After I ended the marriage, when I was sitting on the floor (I took basically nothing with me -- just did not want to deal with the fallout of taking half of the possessions) in my little apartment (a bit scared of my new financial situation) I felt so free and at peace. Everything worked out just fine. I just needed to renew the confidence I used to have in myself.
Great post Kristen. Thank you so much for sharing and giving hope to those who are experiencing similar situations.
Hello from England. I love reading your blog, your attitude to life and turn of phrase. Thank you for this post. I will forward the link to my teenage daughter and some friends, and who knows who they will send it on to? I really can imagine this saving someone’s life.
Kristen! WOW! You are an inspiration! Your courage is commendable. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your experience. Such sage advice.
Thank you for this post and bravery. I’ve read you for a long while and seldom comment. I’ve been curious to know more; but I reflect that many years ago, I needed this advice. From a live in boyfriend, not marriage. But so much resonated. Only regret? I didn’t leave sooner. So, this post may help someone else see the truth and start a better life. (That ex Boyf is when I started blogging. I stopped when we split. And that’s ok, my blogging era was a life season. And didn’t earn any money, intentionally)