Q&A | Would I homeschool again? How am I adjusting to change? and more
How was your transition from homeschooling 4 kids to Zoe now who’s doing most of the work herself? I’ve been homeschooling for 12 years and my kids are about the same age as yours. Although I worked some hours, most of the hours were planned around them and I’d love to know how you’re managing 1) not being needed all the time 2) empty nesting adjustment 3) future plans that don’t include them which had always been the case before. I’d also appreciate an INFJ perspective from a reader with a similar experience. Thank you.
-Farhana
Oh hey there, fellow INFJ!
This question might hit differently if it were not for the marital experience I have had...but I am where I am, so I will just answer from that place.
For me, it has not been a hard transition to be less needed for my kids' schooling. I've been homeschooling for the last 19 years, and honestly, I am not all that sad about this period in my life coming to an end.
Nearly two decades is enough time to spend on a job, I think!
Also, I can think of two other reasons this transition has been ok.
First, it's not like my kids don't still need me. The way that they need me has shifted, but I still am an important presence in their lives. I still give them practical and emotional support in a variety of ways!
Second, I have plenty of things to keep me busy. I have my blog, I have my schooling and future nursing career, I have hobbies, I do volunteering...I am not even close to sitting around twiddling my thumbs.
I have poured most of my adult life into being a mom, yes, but there's still plenty of me that exists outside of full-time mothering.
And to go back to what I said at the start: because I am in the process of getting divorced, my future from here is already going to be full of change and adjustments.
I suppose in some ways that is going to make my transition to empty-nesting a little easier; a divorce requires the readjusting of expectations and plans, so it is giving me a headstart on that process.
This post on wistfulness over kids growing up might be helpful to you as well.
Would you be willing to write about your experience homeschooling? I have been homeschooling my kids for one year now and could use all the suggestions someone like you may have with benefit of hindsight. I wonder if you would even homeschool if you had it all to do again. What would you do the same and what might you try to do differently?
-Esther
Like the first question, this one feels a little funny to answer. There are ways in which my homeschooling mom life was intertwined with my marriage, and there are so, so many ways I would operate differently in my marriage if I could go back.
And perhaps those different choices would also have affected the way I mothered and taught.
There is also some sense in which I look back at my efforts to create a happy and enriching home environment for my kids, and it all feels pointless now.
You can try so, so hard, and still, everything can fall apart.
I will process through this disillusionment with time, I know. I'm just saying that it colors the way I answer these types of questions.
And man, I don't know if that makes sense to most of you...but any of you out there who have walked this path after homeschooling can probably understand.
If it was appropriate to share more here, that also would help you to understand. If you and I had coffee together in real life, I would tell you more.
But alas, this is the internet, so I am limited in what I feel comfortable sharing.
Let's see...would I homeschool again?
Yes, I think I likely would, at least for the primary grades. The flexibility that homeschooling offered during those years was really helpful, and I personally find grade-school learning to be pretty enjoyable to teach.
If I had it to do over again, I might consider doing more of a hybrid approach during the middle school/high school years.
I also would make more of an effort to get connected with other homeschooling families when my kids were younger. We were rather insulated for quite a few years, for a variety of reasons, and I think it would have been good for my kids to have had more fellow homeschooled students in their friend circles.
It probably would also have been helpful for me to have more relationships with other homeschooling moms.
In terms of educational quality, I think homeschooling prepared my kids well for higher education. They've all done really well in their college classes (plus trade school classes for Lisey), and even when they take college classes in high school, they've had no trouble keeping up with their traditionally-schooled peers.
I also think that homeschooling has probably simplified my own return to school; all my years of teaching have kept my brain from getting rusty, and I think this is particularly true when it comes to math.
I would have struggled so much more with my science classes and the TEAS test if I had been out of the math world for the last 25 years.
Also: I am a homeschool graduate myself, and straight out of high school I was a 4.0 student, even with a heavy class load.
So I definitely think that homeschooling can give people are very strong, useful education that translates just fine to a college classroom.
1) You let an invoice go for what? NINE months? That is very unlike you– you did the work, you deserve to get paid ( 30 days from when work was completed)
2) Do you ever keep textbooks? I have my botany book from when I went to community college EONS ago, and I use it ALL THE TIME to look up stuff– faster than the Internet cause I know what to look for– and my “old” Norton literature anthologies, philosophy and art books have been valuable resources.-Millicent
One
I know, I know. This is rather unlike me. I think the issue is that I did the work in the spring, which was a tumultuous period for me; I was finishing up finals and also moving into this house and, well, I probably dropped a lot of balls around that time!
(In case you missed it, I forgot to send an invoice for $500 of freelance work I did for a company! I sent it nine months late. Better late than never, I say.)
Two
Occasionally I keep textbooks; I still have my Anatomy and Physiology textbook because I love the material and because it's nice to have a physical book to refer back to when I'm trying to remember something.
However, if I had owned a physical copy of my chemistry textbook, I most definitely would not have kept it. Ha.
I also would not keep any textbooks that are frequently updated, such as tech-related books. It's best to sell those ASAP before they are worthless.
Basically, my default is to sell textbooks immediately, unless there is a very good chance I will need them for reference in the future.
(Here's how I sell books on eBay.)
Usually, at the end of Q&A posts, I asked readers to share their answers to these questions. But today's batch of questions mostly just applies to me.
Still, if you have comments on any of these topics, go for it!
P.S. If you have a question you'd like me to answer in a future Q&A post, you can email it to me (thefrugalgirl@gmail.com). If you leave your question in the comments, I might miss it or forget about it, so email is the best option.
‘There is also some sense in which I look back at my efforts to create a happy and enriching home environment for my kids, and it all feels pointless now.
You can try so, so hard, and still, everything can fall apart.‘
My kids are similar age as yours & have been homeschooled. Two have graduated, one is graduating soon and then I have a few more years before my last graduates. My last four years have been filled with very difficult circumstances and I never thought this was a road I’d be walking.
Your above comment defines exactly how I feel in my core. I know with time, my mind & heart will likely soften to these feelings.
Just know, you are not alone, and remember, we always do the best we can with what we know at the time. We don’t know what we don’t know.
@KaySea, sending you love from a random stranger on the Internet.
@KaySea, YES! That comment of Kirsten’s that you can try so hard and it all can still fall apart is what I feel at my core after 14 years of homeschooling. I do feel that doing our best and maintaining humility comes to just that.
It is always interesting to look back to a part of your life that has been so significant.
And here's to an environment where you can comfortably say you do not feel comfortable sharing full details of your life 🙂 I feel confident you will judge wisely what to post and what not. There are questions I will not ask for the sake of your privacy and I will limit myself to sincerely wishing you well, more often than I put in writing.
@J NL, one of the many reasons this blog is so enjoyable is the lack of oversharing. Restraint is a rare and dignified quality on the interwebs. I also limit myself to wishing Kristen well, to praying for her, and remind myself that although she feels like a friend, we have never met. Whatever she shares, we can learn from and that is enough.
Something you wrote gave me pause - the bit about pouring yourself into making a happy home for your kids then it seeming pointless in light of events and I have to disagree. I think kids and families change so much right under our own noses, especially while we are working so hard at it, and that any love and time you pour into being a mom or creating a home and happy memories is never pointless. Whether you homeschool or not. Whether you bake bread, or buy it. Whatever your mom style. Life happens, and your kids have witnessed so many life skills in action from you - courage, resilience, perseverance, sense of humor...my two cents.
@gina,
AMEN!
@gina, I can't say it any better than you did. I'd add only that not only Kristen's children, but the entire FG community, "have witnessed so many life skills in action from you."
And I agree with J NL about saying exactly what you feel comfortable sharing here, and no more.
@ Gina,
I agree 100 percent with what you are saying. Truly sincere efforts to make life happy for you and others are NEVER pointless. Life is lived moment by moment.
@gina, I totally agree. Kristen's children are succeeding and thriving despite the events that took place. They are seeing that life is full of good and bad times and that they can change and grow even if things are not perfectly as one had hoped they would be. Life is sunshine and roses, but it also is rain and thorns sometimes too.
@gina,
Hear, hear! You are absolutely right! Life doesn't always turn out as one plans/hopes, but children pick up on the overall "theme" that they were loved! I totally agree with your pointing out that learning resilience, courage, etc. are important life skills for everyone to have as his/her own life unfolds.
Kristen, please know that your children will be well prepared for their lives by how you have lived yours. They will know how to keep going when things aren't great and how to give and receive love, among other important skills. Hugs to you!
Nancy B.
@gina, I'm jumping on the bandwagon here to add my agreement to the already lengthy list! There are endless ways to be a loving parent and none of us has a crystal ball to tell us how it will all end up. We do the best we can and have faith that God will assemble the parts into a beautiful whole.
A friend of mine told me "Don't 'should' on yourself". It made me laugh, but it also made me think.
@gina,
I so agree. Life is ever-changing and imperfect. Yet, the love that is given to children stays with them for a lifetime. Sometimes this love may be the only constant in their lives. Kristen, by pouring yourself into your family, you have given your kiddos the loving foundation needed for becoming successful people.
On a personal level, there are some things that I wish that I would have done differently or I could have done differently. My children are all adults in their 30s now. They have forgiven me my shortcomings and my mistakes. They know I did my best even if our lives were not always perfect.
Wishing love and peace…
When my kids were getting to their late teens, they were acting out in different ways. M daughter was a cutter and my son got in trouble with the law over and over again. My ex didn't want to deal with it--it made him very angry--so I had to. In fact he wanted to throw my son out of the house while my good friend agreed with him, saying he was only going to be a bad kid.
Well, I wouldn't accept that and whatever the kids needed, I was there for them. Later my ex said "It can't always be about the kids" and I said, "They needed us. If you asking me to choose between you I choose them."
@gina and NancyB,
Very well put. Taken together, your points are perfect. We have all gained so much from Kristen's example. Imagine how much her kids have gained living with her every day.
The loving weight of all of that cannot be discounted by the actions of a disruptive person.
Thank you, Gina. <3
@Kris, a therapist I knew referred to my tight shoulders as "shoulders". The body has its own language.
@Cynthia,
arrrggghhh! spell check removed the space between
"Should" and "ers"
@Cynthia, I like that! And spell check is the bane of my existence, so no worries.
@Bee,
Isn't it the same as with our parents? Even if our upbringing was loving and nurturing, there will always be things we wanted to do different from our parents, and we did so. Let's just put it we did not want to make the same mistakes, and we didn't - but we made others.
@gina, I’ll join the others in agreeing with you 100%! Thank you for articulating so well the things I was thinking!
@Rose, I agree with you. When kids are crying out for help, parents should help. Is there are point that we need to shove them out of the nest? Yes, of course. Do kids sometimes need tough love and limits? Yes. But kids who are self-destructive need help. Kids who are simply lazy and enjoying mooching off of parents need the tough love. Kids who are in a pit and cannot climb out need a good sturdy ladder to help them.
@gina, I disagree also. How you and your children are doing now are a result of your choices as a parent and just because your circumstances have changed, the positive effects of your past choices and strategies still remain. You have a brood of (apparently, I don't want to presume about what you're not including) well-adjusted, happy, capable children.
I don't know why, but the cover of your anatomy textbook always makes me laugh. So I appreciate that you keep posting it. 🙂
@kristin @ going country, I should have said, the *photo* on the cover. Covers are not usually amusing in and of themselves . . .
@kristin @ going country, your two comments have amused me!
@kristin @ going country, I agree. silly picture. Maybe we are due for a posting of that crazy sweater that we all laughed at from a few years back.
I think the looking back questions can be so very hard to answer. In my own experience, I did not homeschool but had a special needs child who needed extra care. That meant no "real" job, just a series of part time jobs that gave me little to no benefits and no pension. I feel like, wow, if I could change my course I would. However that option wasn't available.
The friends I have who are homeschooling or have homeschooled also didn't really have a choice. It just seemed like they did. For example, a friend whose daughter was being bullied and the school district had a policy to stop it but the damage was done. Another whose daughter was medically fragile. Another who didn't want their 9 year old riding the bus for over an hour to and from school. Yes there are options now but if we went back in time there were no options then.
For the folks who have homeschooled, bravo. It seems to be an all encompassing job. You are responsible for their education which means developing, creating, educating and evaluating. Sometime changing course midyear because your student suddenly doesn't like math and loves science. The pressure is real.
I’m so sorry for all you have lost (some good hopes & dreams & your home, etc.). What a painful season to endure & such courage to share where you are now. May God heal.
May He “restore the years the locust has eaten” (Joel) and walk with you in the meaningless things (Ecclesiastes).
@Rachel R., you inspire me to quote the Bible verse that occurred to me as I was reading Kristen's post: "Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again" (Ecclesiastes again).
@A. Marie,
In a similar vein, I would like to share this song by the Isaacs. Some of you have probably already heard it, but I think it is timelessly special for all of us, especially those in a "wilderness" of hard times. The words are wonderful, and very inspiring.
Hope this link works! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tRb1-g1xKA.
@Rachel R., I needed to hear those words. Used to have that outlook, but hopelessness started taking root over the last year or so. Time to weed my heart, I guess.
Homeschooling mom of 5, our children are close in age… I think the adjustment to parenting adult children is, well, an adjustment, regardless of other life circumstances. Your children are making their way in the world, making their own decisions, learning from their mistakes, and we become more of a mentor/coach/friend. It can be challenging to step back and be less hands on and pray for God to continue the work He has started in them. It is a time for reflection and evaluating how we parented in many ways. Here is where we have opportunity to rest in God’s faithfulness. We did our best in the circumstances we were in and we trust God to work in the broken places where we made bad decisions or there were things beyond our control. I know there are a lot of things we could have done better or differently but I wouldn’t trade the homeschool days of snuggling up with lots of good books and many great shared memories… even to avoid the tears over math!
I am going to sound like a teenager here, but OMG, a fellow INFJ! There are so few of us (at least publicly acknowledged) that I feel like we are in a secret club. 🙂
To the point of your essay: I, personally, resist the urge to second-guess decisions when looking back on my life. I did the best I could with the information I had! Instead, I like to remember the words a very wise professor gave my angsty self when, as a senior in college, I felt torn between at least three possible postgraduate futures. He said, gently: “It all gets used” — “it” being experience. Now that I am the same age now as he was then, I can wholeheartedly say Prof. Sovik was right. To paraphrase Tennyson, we are a part of all we have met.
Keep going and keep writing! I love your work.
@MetroRebecca, I read an article a few years ago that says the Advocate or INFJ is the least common personality type. However you may be right and it is the least published. We don't like to be in the limelight.
@Amy, what does INFJ stand for?
@Amy, The rarest type for women is INTJ, which I am.
Yes, I remember reading that. I don't honestly know if I am an ISFJ or an INFJ. And honestly, my introvertedness is right on the line. But I am most definitely a J and also definitely not a T.
I think I might have mentioned this before, but on a podcast someone was talking about how we are made up of all sorts of different parts. And his point was, when you look back at a time when someone was hurting you, and your current self wishes you had reacted differently, it's helpful to remember, ok, there was a part of me that was just trying to survive an impossible situation.
That part of you was doing the best it could under the circumstances, and it's good to have compassion on that part of your past self.
@MetroRebecca, haha, me too! I had a counselor tell me that the science behind the Myer-Briggs personalities is shaky at best, but I have to say, no other personality descriptor has ever come close to identifying my particular personality traits.
Farhana, I didn't homeschool, but I have a 17-year-old and a 19-year-old. My son is in college and yesterday (the day after he returned to college--yes, his Christmas break is long!) I did some ugly crying. I was cleaning the house and listening to my Fiddler on the Roof CD and the Sunrise, Sunset song did me in (yes, I have an odd love of musicals. Don't judge.). I'm taking my daughter for a college campus visit on Friday so I'm sure that added into my emotional moment. Back to my main point--my mom died in March of 2021 after years of my caregiving (she didn't live with us but was close by and I was the main point person). My son graduated in May 2021 and moved to college in August 2021. It was during the nervous days of covid and difficult circumstances were made especially difficult because of the restrictions. To transition from being constantly busy and sleep-deprived, with everyone needing a piece of me, to suddenly having spare time on my hands and feeling unproductive, was unsettling. I don't claim to have it fully figured out--I still have one child left at home--but here's what helped me:
Start something new. What have you always wanted to try but didn't have time for in the past? Taking a class, starting a project, pursuing a hobby, joining a gym--the options are endless. This will help not only you, but will be a great example to your kids that life goes on and there is more to you than being a mother.
Acknowledge that this is a season of loss and don't deny the feelings. Go to a counselor if you feel that would be helpful. Find others who have walked a similar path and let out your feelings and discover how they have coped. You are not alone!
Lean in to your support systems. For me, that was my spiritual life and friends. You have most likely let others lean on you in the past and now it's your turn--and that's ok. Your friends will be glad for a tangible way to help you (can you tell that it's hard for me to be on the receiving end?).
Like Kristen says, get outside! There is something about the outdoors (I am fortunate to live in a great hiking area, but even a walk around the block can clear my mind) and vigorous activity that cleanses my mind.
Consider a gym or an exercise class. I live in Michigan and while there are many outdoor activities at my disposal, the weather isn't always cooperative.
If you aren't working outside of the home, consider a part-time job or a volunteer position. The challenges will keep your brain fresh and get you outside of your head.
This looks like an explosive diarrhea comment and I apologize for the length. Wishing you the best as you transition to a new period in your life.
@Anne, INFJ is a designation from the Myers-Briggs personality typing test. I=introvert, N=intuitive, F=feeling, J=judging. (Those words don't all mean exactly what we are used to, but are summaries of the 4 categories.) The opposite of those words are E=extrovert, S=sensing, T=thinking, P=perceiving. A good site for understanding is https://www.16personalities.com. There are a zillion different tests to take in order to understand one's personality, but personally, I find this system hard to grasp, because I have gotten a different combination of letters every time I have taken it.
@Rose,
Hi fellow INTJ! ☺☺
@MetroRebecca, oh it feels so good to find another INFJ! Yes, we're in a secret club!
@Kris, Let's hear it for lovers of musicals!! My husband played Tevye in the local production of Fiddler, 40 years ago. He was in his 20s and they had to make him up heavily to pass for the father...this year they are doing it again and have asked him to try out, only now he is too old for the father's part. I love the Do I Love You piece...
@Lindsey, my two sisters and I always loved singing Matchmaker, Matchmaker together. Oh, I'd love to be in that musical. How amazing that your hubby got to be Tevye!
@Kris,
My grandmother lived in Michigan and I remember her telling me one time "In winter, it's just so darn cold. Then in the spring, it's so muddy after all the snow melts. In summer, the mosquitoes are terrible, and then in the fall, it's hunting season, so you could get shot. Consequently, we just don't get outside all that often around here."
@Kris, I’d have to disagree with the counselor myself as I found this personality typing something that made me understand who I was and why. Istj here who feels more comfortable with guys than girl friends. My husband’s friends are very connected to me because I have a more guy type way of thinking.
@Anne, Introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging. It is a personality type. I use 16 personalities with my adult students. Most of the time they haven't really thought about this and how it makes them tick. I honestly have taken the test multiple times and have some deviation depending on my mood and what is happening that day. However I get this one at least 90% of the time. But the big help for my students is introvert and extrovert and realizing that you can be a extroverted introvert like me.
@Rose, me too!
Aw, friend! I was just looking through this post, and it makes me feel sad to see this sentence. "There is also some sense in which I look back at my efforts to create a happy and enriching home environment for my kids, and it all feels pointless now."
I am empathetic to the fact that you have been through some very hard things, and so have your kids, but don't believe for a second that you did not, in some critical ways, provide them with a happy and enriching environment, even if there were limiting factors. There are so many things, as an outside observer, that point to your remarkable success in that category (Lissey's going into a male-dominated, challenging field, all of them feeling comfortable taking college classes early, Sonia's ability to pursue a unique style and not worry about what others think, etc.)
I don't even 'know' you, and you made me feel seen by remembering who I was when you sent me an email - I'm sure you did this and so much more for your kids every day. Hang in there, but I hope that you, too, feel seen for all your efforts. Even though there may have been more that a hypothetical you COULD have done, real you did A LOT.
Thank you for your kind encouragement! I think I remember that you went through a hard time (you lost your husband, right?) so I can well imagine you know what it feels like to have life change from what you expected.
@Kristen,
Also, re reading my comment, I didn’t mean to invalidate your experience - I understand that you completely feel that way right now!
Oh, no, not at all. I didn't take it that way. 🙂
My children are slightly older than yours and I homeschooled them K-12. It was completely my personal conviction and my decision to homeschool. But during those years, I felt the precariousness of my situation. Just completely devoting yourself to kids for years is an iffy situation.
I did see a few marriages fall apart, which always startled our homeschool communities. And I've witnessed a few parent-child estrangement within our homeschool communities and those were terrible too. And those are agonizing because when you devote yourself to your child like that only to have the literal polar opposite relationship of what you were hoping for is devastating.
I love my kids more than anything and am so thankful I got to homeschool but I do not take my situation for granted nor look at it with pride because it was only by God's grace. The days my youngest graduated from high school and then college, I felt the chains fall off of me and such incredible freedom.
You know, I was going to joke and say "She's keeping the A&P book because of the shirtless man on the cover," Kristin (with an "i"). I get a chuckle every time I see him, too.
As for keeping books, I kept my college gothic literature anthology because I enjoyed so many of the dark and mysterious stories in it. I absolutely did not hang on to my calculus books a nanosecond longer than I had to.
Re: looking back - I have never been able to say that I would have done this instead of that if I could. There are things I did that are mistakes that I sure regret, but with the exception of one or two, most of them ended up bringing me to circumstances that I would now not change. For instance, if I had not naively married that first husband, I would have never moved to the place where I would later meet my current husband, and that means I would have never had the particular children I have, and that means there would have never been the particular grandkids I now have and.... Knowing things like that, I can't say that if I was able to do a do-over, I would.
I know the feeling of "this isn't how this was supposed to turn out." A number of us here know that feeling, in fact. I think Kristen has done so well with handling this, and the commenters here are just so darn kind! It's soothing to come here.
@JD, I thought it was funny too till I realized he is doing a yoga pose.
"you can try and try so hard, and still some things don't work out."
Amen, sister, amen!
I know you understand the heartbreak, friend. <3
Wow, I take back my question on wistfulness. Can they just GO already? Heh. They are trying but have had various school-related roadblocks.
Two, I was against homeschooling for all the usual reasons. Now I wish I had homeschooled. My daughter in particular was badly damaged by regular school. She didn't fit in, all the clssses were too easy for her, and she had no friends. So much for the "kids need socialization" objection to homeschool.
@Rose, sometimes I think homeschooling would have been a great plan for me as a kid. I was younger than my class and couldn't keep up physically (last chosen for EVERY team and thus I now hate all sportsball), but bored by the slow pace of learning and hated the chaos and wasted time. On the other hand, there would have been no pleasing my perfectionist mom, and the personality clash would have had severe consequences. I am thankful that homeschooling hadn't been invented back then for the sake of our relationship.
@Central Calif. Artist, My daughter was skipped twice and even then was the tallest girl. At age 9, she loved Monty Python. The other girls loved High School Musical. It was all like that. She should have gone to a school for the gifted but there weren't any.
@Rose, how is your daughter doing now? (And don't answer if it is too personal for the World Wide Web or this blog).
Kristen, there are so so many ways most of us would operate differently in our marriages or in our lives if we could go back. Although I am a person of strong faith in Jesus, I often puzzle over God's design that we make the biggest decisions of our lives when we know the least, and then spend the rest of our lives dealing with the effects and consequences of poor choices made from a position of youthful ignorance, arrogance, and blind hope, along with plain old wishful thinking and silly dreamery.
I just want to encourage you by saying what an inspiration you are. I am a fellow homeschooling mom (and a Christian) and I can see the Lord’s hand at work in strengthening you through this extremely difficult time. Your resourcefulness and ability to adjust to a different future than what you had planned is such a beautiful example to your girls. It’s so encouraging that the Lord’s grace is sufficient and that His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
Kristen, you did what you knew to do at the time. That you see things differently now just means that life happened, you learned from it, and you grew. I think we all think about other paths we could have taken. That's human nature.
I think your kids will always feel your love and it is not a failure that you are getting a divorce. It is a success that you are moving on to a healthier life. It is a good example for your kids. May they learn from your experience.
Hang in there. You have already offered a lot to the world, both locally and through your blog (including global readership). You will give a lot as a nurse. You are a wonderful person that deserves to be celebrated.
Regarding homeschooling. We only had one child and homeschooling seemed like not a good option given that. We used private schools and some experiences were better than others. Elementary school was "okay", middle school was a great fit, and high school was very stressful. I still don't know what would have been a better fit for high school, I think it is something most kids just have to get through.
In retrospect I don’t think it matters. My kids are pretty much who they were from the start. Same as myself and my siblings. If you provide a safe and healthy environment in which to grow up good job. I don’t think effort and good intent are wasted it’s just we don’t control how things turn out.
This post really resonates with me. I have two teens and a little kid. Right now I am seeing one of the teens make some bad choices. I am regretting not helping them to be more solid in their Christian faith when they were younger. I don't think there are any mothers in the whole world who don't have regrets- you are not alone.
I only homeschooled for a year prior to my divorce, and I just couldn't swing it afterwards, but I am so impressed with others that homeschool long term. As for divorce, I am many years post divorce at this point. I understand that it is very painful to put all that effort, work, and love into something that didn't work out, but at the same I take comfort in that if I hadn't really put my all into it I may have thoughts that I could have done something differently and the outcome could have changed.
Yes, I agree; there is a certain comfort in knowing you gave it your absolute all.
But with the benefit of hindsight, it can be easy to wish you'd seen the writing on the wall and operated accordingly.
But what's done is done; all I can do is move forward.
@Kristen, Absolutely. After I made the decision to leave I wondered, and still wonder, why it took me so long. I think I just had to mentally get around the hurtle of imagining my future very differently than I had always assumed.
I think for me, it was partly that I did not really truly see the reality of how I was being treated.
And secondly, if you are part of the church, then you are usually subject to a very narrow set of rules about what constitutes an allowable divorce. And in my circles, even in situations of unfaithfulness, it was made clear that divorce was just ALLOWABLE, not that it was recommended.
So that tends to make people stay in unhealthy situations for a very, very long time.
@Liz, Yes, I was raised in a very conservative denomination of the Presbyterian church and was taught that once you get married there is no out no matter what. I believed that for too long and it was very harmful. I still strongly believe in marriage, and am married again. I sincerely hope this marriage lasts the rest of my life, but I also know what I am willing to accept and some things cross that line.
@Kristen, the only reasonable standard is whether you made reasonable decisions based on what you knew (or should've known - no deliberate blindness) AT THE TIME. Expecting to make perfect decisions based on information you only knew later would require omniscience. That's god's purview, not our's.
@Kristen, seeing how my mom was treated after she divorced my father (due to years of serial unfaithfulness, lying, etc) played a large role in why I am not Christian today. Even as a child it was unfathomable that SHE was the one at fault for leaving the situation after she tried so hard. Your gentle version of Christianity has been comforting to me and restored some of my faith in Christians, if not Christianity itself. I'm very glad you appear to have the support of your family and community in your decisions. So much love to you.
It seems to me that you and your former husband made decisions together, so I hope you don't second guess the choices you made regarding your children. If your spouse needed to reconsider those decisions and make changes along the way that's on HIM if he did not.
I was reading the first question and thought I could have written this (plus the INFJ bit) only to realize that I actually asked these questions a while back!!!
I'm feeling very special as a long-time reader (dance emoji). I should have met you, Kristen, when I had the chance, I was only 40 minutes away from you then but the distance was overwhelming due to life circumstances.
I can understand this-
"There is also some sense in which I look back at my efforts to create a happy and enriching home environment for my kids, and it all feels pointless now.
You can try so, so hard, and still, everything can fall apart."
I admire you for what you're doing, and I wish you all the strength in the world for standing up for yourself.
I think it's a fun gift that you "forgot" about the invoice in the spring. That $500 now is an awfully fun surprise! You continue to amaze and inspire me. Sending love!
Thanks for answering my questions about the textbooks-- Gosh, I appreciate so much being a positive part of this blog community!
Kristen, so many things are out of our control-- and loving and caring for children is never pointless. Even if we do A + B = ? there is no guarantee that life and the lord will fill in the equation with A + B = C Sometimes the equation is A + B = X
or A + B = Zebra.
The sentence that ends with, " . . . and it all feels pointless now" has clearly hit most of us like a punch in the stomach. As always, your writing is so powerful and striking and beautiful. I agree with everyone who has already reminded you of all the ways in which your efforts could never be pointless, but just wanted to add that your voice is unique and special and profound and insightful. I know this feeling will pass, and, for what it's worth, some of us experience a similar sense of pointlessness even when our marriages are intact but our kids are simply growing up, needing us less, and moving away to distant cities and states. All that energy, effort, love, attention, and sacrifice that we devoted to these amazing little people for the precise purpose of helping them become strong and independent individuals - but it still hurts when they're not under the same roof anymore and they don't even want to live in the same town. Their lives are their own to lead, but it still hurts. Thanks for reminding us that we're not alone with this.
I feel this! I did PT for a long time to try to fix my tight neck and shoulders, but the problem miraculously resolved almost completely in the last year (and this despite having had exactly no PT for the last year).
I think it was stress. And even though this past year has been hard, it has still been much less stressful than the life I was living before.
@Kristen, I had a similar experience-PT didn't help with my neck and shoulder pain. It almost felt like it made it worse. Over the last few months, I think I've been processing my stress better. And then when I started moving more (working out again), that helped too. I'm feeling much better now (with just the occasional flare up), even though I certainly don't feel stress-free. Just a little better. Not sure what your pain was like but everything seemed to hurt - changing clothes, sleeping on a pillow, sleeping without a pillow. Glad to hear your pain is mostly resolved! Chronic pain is no joke.
It is great advice to get rid of text books as soon as you can because we waited several years after my husband graduated to sell his and most of them weren't worth anything. We were able to get rid of quite a few through an organization that collects them for other countries, but there were a few we had to just recycle because no one would take them. Fortunately my university loaned us the majority of our textbooks so we just returned them at the end of the semester.
I am now 75 years old and my 3 sons are 49, 50, and 53. They are happily married with children of their own. I read all of your comments, and it is with tears running down my cheeks as I type this...that I often think "when I used to be a mom..."
@Jane, once a mom, always a mom, though. It’s just different phases, different responsibilities, different relationships, etc. My daughter was 24 when she went to live in Heaven, twenty years ago. I’m still a mom, and our spirits are still close together. I’m sorry for your sadness, though.
Personally, I am just now settling in to an empty nest years after homeschooling our 3 children. It was a HARD adjustment, much harder than I ever imagined. I've been married 30 years in June, so we have had to go through this process together. But, my husband is fully aware it's been harder on me as the Mom and homeschooling parent. Our daughter, who is now 22 and a RN (she got her RN license at 20 yo) got married at 18 to the best son-in-law ever! But, that was another extra-difficult adjustment. Just remember that everyone processes changes differently and if you grieve, it's ok. I have grieved for several years (oldest is 25) because I didn't know what to do with myself. Work did not fill the void! I am volunteering now and thankful that the pain is no longer quite as acute.
It pains me to see your comment,“There is also some sense in which I look back at my efforts to create a happy and enriching home environment for my kids, and it all feels pointless now.” I hope this is a momentary feeling and not something permanent. I doubt your friends and family, and especially your kids, see the happy and enriching home you provided as pointless. They will be passing on what you gave them to their own children and friends for many years to come, proof of what a gift you have been in their lives. (And, indeed, in the lives of your blog readers.)
"There is also some sense in which I look back at my efforts to create a happy and enriching home environment for my kids, and it all feels pointless now."
I totally understand this perspective. It makes perfect sense to me.
I homeschooled my son from birth through high school.
As I was going through homeschooling I poured so much in. I had such a fear of doing something wrong.
Now, 11 yrs after he graduated high school, my son divorced last year. I've really questioned whether or not we did the right thing. I can't say I was ever super confident in it. Our lives are not what we planned but many, many people say that. We can make the best plans, follow all the rules even & still things can fall apart. We just make the best choices we can in the moment we're in & move on from there.
But I am so grateful for our relationship with our son. He is independent, a great dad, a thoughtful son....I don't think we would have had this relationship without homeschooling.
I appreciate you, Kristen. Thanks for sharing your life with us as well as modeling discretion. Hugs to you.
Esther-- It sounds like you are struggling with homeschooling, maybe? It really is so hard. I want the best for my children, but wow! the best is so hard to provide. It can be so overwhelming! I'm still in the midst of homeschooling; my eldest is in his first year of college, but my baby is in 1st grade. What I've learned is that my reasons for homeschooling have changed over the years, but I am still glad that I'm doing it. If you really want to homeschool because you think it is best for your family, then it will be fine. However, you will probably never feel like you're doing an amazing job; chances are really good you are doing an amazing job! Love your children, show them a love of learning.
I regret some small homeschooling decisions, but only because I learned from them. Most of these decisions revolve around my expectations of what must be done. Sometimes I learned more about a child's learning style and adapted. Now I know better about some things. That's just experience. Teachers in schools feel the same things.
If you believe that homeschooling is the best option for your family, you can make it the best option. Take heart!
Oh wow, Presbyterian here too!
I too still hold marriage in high regard, it's just that I now believe there is a wider range of things that justify dissolving a marriage.
I just was thinking...I know people who thought that a wife was obligated to still stay when her husband was convicted of child sexual abuse. Even in my more conservative days, I could not believe that. HOW could a wife be expected to remain in a marriage like that??
Just my two cents: First, no experience is ever wasted. When you give, you have to release yourself from the outcome. It may turn out how you wanted, or you may feel that the whole endeavor was pointless, but the recipient was blessed (and that was probably the intention all along), and you did what you thought was best, and in all reality, it WAS best. Second, it burns my toast that the company never reached out eons ago to say, hey, I think we owe you money — that’s messed up!
It really is often a swapping of the victim and oppressor roles, and it's so sad to see. The one who was inflicting the hurting (in this case, your dad) becomes the victim when the other spouse leaves.
I keep saying that divorce is not always what breaks a marriage; sometimes the divorce is just making the breaking official. It is the consistent mistreatment that truly breaks a marriage!
Relatedly, one pastor's advice for me was to, "Go home and love your husband well.", as if that tactic had not somehow occurred to me to try in a 25-year span. Not everything can be fixed with love.