Q&A | grief over what could have been + durable kids shoes
Our two questions today are super-duper unrelated to each other. First up, the one on grief:
Hi Kristen, how do you manage/ overcome the “what could’ve been/ should’ve been” thoughts and the sadness that ensues? Are you one of those people who are naturally good at it or did you learn to manage it better? If the latter is true, please share what worked (and what didn’t). I did read the wistfulness post :). Thank you.
-Farhana
This is a great question! I have two answers to offer.
1. Make peace with the pain
I would say that I don't really try to overcome woulda/shoulda/coulda thoughts or the sadness that inevitably accompanies them. Rather, I'm trying to coexist with them and make peace with their presence for now.
In Maggie Smith's memoir about her divorce, she mentions the idea of metabolizing grief, and I like that metaphor.
It's as though there are all of these feelings of sadness and loss and trauma that need to be digested.
If you ignore the hard feelings or push them down, they will just sit there, like rocks in your stomach, weighing you down.
But if you are willing to digest them, then they can move on through and you can be free.
The metaphor breaks down (as all do!) because one does not digest pain and trauma in 24 hours. It's a bit different than digesting pasta. 😉
And that's why I say I'm trying to make peace with the presence of these feelings for now. I know it's going to be a slow digestion process.
BUT, I trust that every time these waves of anger/sadness/grief come over me, it's just part of the process of digesting it all. I might not feel like I'm making progress, but I trust that I am.
I trust that these moments are getting me closer, closer, closer to the end of metabolizing the hurt and letting it go.
And that makes it way easier to lean into the pain when it shows up.
I know the pain isn't pointless or endless. I'm just...metabolizing.
2. Look at the possibilities you have now
There is a lot that I am grieving; there are things I have lost that I will never get back, and things I will never have the chance to experience.
There are dreams that I will never see fulfilled.
AND...
...there is still time for life to be beautiful, now and in the future.
You know how I often say that there are many ways for life to be beautiful? Well, that's important to remember in times like these.
Life may not have turned out the way you thought it should; it didn't go according to plan. But the good news is that there's more than one plan that leads to a beautiful life!
We can grieve that our first plan got blown to pieces, AND we can also make a new plan for life to be beautiful, even though it's gonna look different than we thought it would.
So I ask myself, "What is currently good in my life? And what can I do now to make my life more beautiful/good/meaningful?"
________________________
I like this combo of strategies because it allows me to:
- Grieve the past
- Look at now/the future
Both of those things are important, and I don't think you have to choose one or the other!
(Nor do I think it would be healthy to choose. You don't want to be dwelling solely in the past, but also you don't want to completely ignore it either.)
I have found that it is possible to have space for both in my life.
And while I am obviously still in the thick of dealing with all of my mess, I do see progress and healing in my heart, and I do experience quite a lot of peace, even in the midst of all of my troubles.
So. I'm not an expert, but this is what has been helping me. I hope it helps you too!
My kids (2&5) are finally at the stage of wearing out shoes before outgrowing them. Do you have any recommendations for finding durable, affordable kid sneakers? Everything seems to be knit uppers with vegan leather trim; the knit gets filthy, the trim peels, and washing doesn't help much. My parents just cleaned scuffs off of white leather school shoes, but I'm struggling to find anything that will last more than a few months.
-Dawn
I share your frustration with faux leather; I find it to be generally way less durable than real leather, and once it peels and flakes, there's no reviving it.
It's not just shoes either; there are a lot of faux leather backbacks, purses, belts, and couches too. I know people are working on developing better faux leather options, and I hope they are successful because the current offerings are rather dismal.
And I hope they can come up with something that's a little more eco-friendly; a lot of the current faux leather options are usually petroleum-based.
Anyway! Back to the topic at hand.
My youngest child is nearly 18, so I'm not very well-schooled in the current children's shoe offerings. However, I do remember that my kids got a lot of wear out of their Converse, so if those fit your kids, they might be worth a look.
A really nice thing about Converse is that they are quite washable (we've thrown ours in the washing machine many times), and a Magic Eraser cleaning pad does a great job of removing scuffs from the sides of the soles.
That said, I know there are a lot of readers here who are in the thick of raising small people, so I hope that they will be able to share some more kid shoe suggestions for you!
Since going to school, my kid has run through *all* her shoes. The tread would be gone within a month, two if we were lucky. The one thing that has held up repeatedly is KEEN shoes. That thicker, supportive soul seems to endure better than anything else we’ve tried (and we’ve tried all the name brand athletic shoes!).
@Rebekah,
Forgot to say, we’re big fans of REI, so I sometimes get shoes there. Amazon will randomly have marked down KEEN shoes, and you might try thrift stores/marketplace as well.
@Rebekah, I agree! My kids have had a pair of keens since they were tiny and they consistently last longer than other brands. My husband wears them too. I’ve had a pair since 2005 that I seldomly wear but they’re still absolutely usable
@Rebekah, I second the keens, those things are indestructible!
The shoe thing… we have a mix of shoes. My son is 4 (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!) and I pick up some shoes at Once Upon A Child. I stop in often and browse the shoe bins for his size and the next two sizes up. When I find a great quality shoe for under $15, I buy it. But when I see a great sale on a brand in a traditional store, I also buy it. I’ve got the next two sizes covered currently.
Best brands so far? Nike. Vans. And Keen. Can’t recommend them enough. I think we paid $20 for a pair of vans recently and those suckers haven’t gone anywhere. It felt like the best $20 spent (so much so that I just found a used pair in his next size up for $10–worn once!— and bought them).
Good luck!!
In response to the shoe question - My littles have had great success with Stride Rite munchkin shoes. They are actually made to be machine washable and have held up super well with my 3 very "adventurous" and energetic kids ( all under 6). I have found great deals on them at Walmart on clearance and Zulily
Kristin- your blog is my favorite. I've been reading it pretty much every day for the past 6-8 years ( but first time I've commented !)
Welcome, welcome! I'm so glad that you popped in to help Dawn out with the shoe question.
@Lindsay, I agree with the Stride Rite shoes! I only have been able to find them online, but they're great for little kids. Converse, Keen and Van have all held up great for my kids, and been able to hand down. Oh, and Crocs too!
“What is currently good in my life? And what can I do now to make my life more beautiful/good/meaningful?” I love this. I find myself at the same point, where I'm realizing my life is not ever going to be how I thought it would be. I've asked myself this question many times lately, and I do know it is possible to adjust my thinking to see the good and to think of ways I can be content in my current situation. Thank you for reminding us to focus on the positives. You are the best 🙂
I'm so glad you found it helpful. Sending some virtual love over to you as you navigate hard things too.
For kids shoes, we primarily buy Target's Cat and Jack brand. (That actually goes for clothes too.) They wear really well, but the best part is the one year guarantee. If you save your receipt or shop with a Red Card, you can return the item at any point in a year for a refund or exchange. This has saved me when my kids were new bike riders using their shoes as brakes, and it's great for blown out knees on pants too. For the most part, the clothes do hold up well and the guaranteed never gets used though.
@Amanda, nice!
@Amanda, My son is 5 and does the same thing--uses his left foot as a break on his scooter! So he has worn down the toe of just that one, there's just the beginning of a hole in the toe. So funny! We also go with Cat & Jack, for him and his older sis for shoes and clothes. Usually they last a long time, enough for us to hand down to their lil cousin too!
Whose life ever goes exactly to plan, anyway?
I would never have expected this life, but it's certainly interesting, and I have many things to look forward to.
@Rose, I am, and will be, eternally grateful my life didn't go exactly to plan.
@Rose, my thoughts exactly! I'm probably destroying this quote--"Man makes plans and God laughs".
@Rose,
Well said.
My mother is dying of the same thing that killed BFF last Christmas. Honestly this is why I don't make plans. Something else horrible will happen to me. My mom, BFF, hospitalization (which ruined my kidneys), loss of my job. Just one year. And it's been like this for TEN YEARS. I'm not joking.
Man, that really sucks. And I know that's not a strong enough phrase to use for what you're dealing with.
We've had great luck with adidas, nike and converse. Vans don't seem to be supportive enough. I try to take advantage of sales, but I've also had great luck with buying used, especially after spring cleaning.
I absolutely second Keens. The rubber toe is virtually indestructible and they look presentable even for dress occasions. I have handed down/donated almost every pair and we all have at least one pair in our closets. Great for hiking or playgrounds. Everyone got a pair at Christmas this year when we went on a long awaited hiking/touring vacation and they were in several cases one of only two pairs taken.
For shoes, we go to the local fancy kids' shoe store and cough up like $75 for a new pair of Tsukihoshi shoes every 6 to 12 months. I haaaaate spending so much on one pair of shoes, but because we have a professional doing the fitting the size is right to last a long time. Aside from the local shop, this brand of shoes has held up sooo well, through nature preschool and running around the neighborhood and sports and hiking and everything.
We've kind of got a routine of buying one pair of Keens for the summer, plus a little less than a year on the Tsukihoshi gym shoes. Rain boots and winter boots come secondhand since the fit is less specific and they are naturally more durable.
So on the one hand, I feel silly spending so much on kid shoes; on the other hand, it works for us to just have the two pairs of primary shoes (gym shoes and sandals) and I don't waste time and money on shoes that don't work out or last.
@Ram, I basically posted the same comment then read yours. We are also huge tsukihoshi and keens fans!! And love our local shoe store!
@Ram, Tsukihoshi are also great if you have a kid that is picky or has sensory issues about shoes. They are lighter weight and we basically just buy the next size up every year until we run out of sizes. Not cheap but they do last a full year for us.
Thank you for this post. I was 23 when I got married. I chose to postpone my master's degree and quit my job to be with my husband in another country so he could finish his master's and then his Ph.D. I stayed home ALL day, pre-internet, with no cars/TV ( on a T.A.'s salary), no work permit and I didn't speak the native language- I ended up getting depression. It was not an option to go back to my country/ parents. I was waiting patiently, it'll be my turn to complete my education and pursue my dream when my turn comes, right?
Then I had kids, homeschooled them for 12 years, and supported him through his career, promotions, and many feathers. I felt terrible about not going back to school only all the time, and not having a career. I talked to him about it- myself and the therapist but he wouldn't help (mainly money, among other things), no fights or anything, he just wouldn't do anything. It was maddening.
Fast forward 20 years, and the kids are now in college. And with all that abuse which resulted in multiple health issues, I find it rather challenging to go back to school and pursue a career, not excuses, tried it a few times already. I cannot work in that country without a degree from one of their schools/ accreditation despite having a bachelor's degree! But I need support/ help from my husband who wouldn't do it.
How do you metabolize this?
PS- Kudos to you, Kristin, and I wish you all the best.
Oh friend, I am so sorry that you did not have the support you needed to go back to school. It is so so frustrating to offer support to a spouse for their work/education, and then not receive it back. My heart goes out to you.
And you are right; so often emotional abuse IS physical abuse because eventually it breaks your body down.
Is there anyone else who could help you navigate this if you do still want to go back to school? I don't know what country you are in or what resources there are for women in your shoes, but I hope someone has some kind of organization that would offer you assistance.
Re: digesting. It sounds simple and trite to say that when one door closes, another (or a window opens) but that is how it feels, sometimes. In a story by Gabriel García Márquez, there is a thing called "consolation miracles." For example, a man goes to church to be healed of blindness but instead is given the gift of being able to speak many languages. A friend of mine who lost her husband of ten years (as part of her healing process) took a class on playwriting and discovered her voice and wrote about her grief -- one avenue isn't inherently better than the other. nor are death and divorce seen as "choices," but it is not a bad thing to do, while digesting grief and trauma to embrace the doors and windows that open for us in the new (different) spaces that are created in the wake of the loss.
@Millicent, Lovely. Thank you.
@Millicent,
Wow. I never thought of it that way. Very powerful, thank you.
Whew, kids shoes. I have a kid who is 6 and wears the same size shoes as me, so I'm having a hard time finding shoes that even fit him. BUT, I have found luck in searching the sales on amazon. I know its not as sustainable, but I do feel less bad about him growing out of a pair in 6 weeks, when I've only paid a bit for them (and can save them for his little brother). I have found that the name brands tend to hold up/last a little longer. If you aren't picky about color I can often find the less popular colors of adidas or asics for him at about $35 a pair.
My Dad loves the Puma store at our local mall, and he cannot leave without shopping for his grandkids. All of my kids have a pair of puma sneakers that he has bought them that they love. They hold up well and I even pass them down to younger siblings and cousins. I also love the keen sandals others have mentioned for summer use.
I think grief is a very complicated, unique journey. Walking with a friend this week she stated "After 12 years being divorced I have finally realized that my ex feeds on my anger, hurt, and frustration. So I don't let him see those things in me anymore." She next observed that my son, whose divorce was final 2 weeks ago, already figured that out. I think we can learn a lot from books, friends, and platforms like this blog that align with our beliefs. But at the end of the day we put one foot in front of the other and move on. Not easy but sometimes life is not easy.
For grief for what might have been, here's my suggestion: try not to wallow but don't ignore it. If a wave washes towards you, let it some and sit with it for a bit.
Personally, I find that getting out and having even a small interaction with someone helps me because having to pleasant in public gets me out of my head a bit. Especially if the person is a stranger, because it's really inappropriate to wallow in front of a stranger.
If you find yourself wallowing, the professional suggestion is to get out of your head by doing something physical. Common suggestions are:
- short, intense physical activity
- subjecting yourself to deep cold, such as hands into ice water or an ice pack to the back of the neck
- massage
Good luck!
@WilliamB, this is so helpful, thank you!
@WilliamB,
A friend shared a similar way of dealing with hard or negative feelings with me a few years ago.....she "sits" with the feeling for a time, acknowledges it, and then lets it go. I have learned to do this as well, and it's been quite helpful.
I've recently read about using short bouts of intense activity, as well as using intense cold, to help move past wallowing. I have a bad habit of wallowing, so will try this as well.
About grief, Kristen I love the digest metaphor because it really is true. I've walked the grief journey in different ways, losing both a child and my parents, and now 7+ years out I can honestly say that digesting grief is accurate. I had someone tell me after losing my daughter that grief is not something you can run from. You have to walk through it, let it wash over you. The more you try to avoid it, and to push it away, the bigger the waves get. You will have to deal with it either way. Sadly, grief is often something you carry with you for your lifetime, but you learn to walk with it, and with time are able to find the beauty in life again. I will never wish that I didn't lose the ones that I love, but I am now able to see the blessing it was to have such love in my heart.
@Beth H., beautifully said. Thank you for sharing your experience.
@Kris, Beth H. and everyone,
The "hidden blessing" when my parents died (I'm an only child and we were close) was that I found the Lord had given me strength I didn't know I had. I reached deep down inside of myself and found it. For a long time before this, I had a plaque that said something like, "Troubles are that which God uses to fashion us for better things." I'd never fully understood the message until this loss happened to me. I became a better, stronger and more mature person, although experiencing the deaths of loved ones definitely is NOT a self-improvement technique I'd wish on anyone.
A mental health nurse told me to feel the feelings and cry the tears because if you suppress them, that will lead to severe depression.
The other good bit of advice came from my friend Donna who also lost her mother, and she said it was offered to her by one of her friends whose mom had died: like an amputation, you will never get over the loss, but you learn to live/deal with it. I have found that to be very true -- wise advice indeed.
Adidas outlasts my kid between his growth spurts. He's a soccer kid so it's an easy sell for his style, but their Sambas are designed to be abused (think playing soccer on blacktop) and still last longer than any other shoe I buy for him.
My kids are currently 8 and 14. Over the years, my preferred brand for them has been Adidas. The Superstars and Sambas are my favorites, with leather uppers, and sturdy soles. My kids typically wear them as their primary shoe for a full year. When they outgrow them, they get washed and resold at my garage sale.
I'm far past the kids' shoes stage, but I can comment on the first question, as I went through a divorce, too. We weren't married all that long (5 years), but still, there was GRIEF. Part of it is the feeling, "I've failed" (doesn't matter who's "at fault." Another part is feeling like you've wasted all that time and energy on that person and that relationship. And there's loss - loss of the relationship, loss of part of your identity (as half of a couple, or as a married person). There's the feeling of disorientation - "I've never been in this situation before. How do i deal worth it?" That's anger when the other person ends up living a "better" life than you (my ex got a fancy apartment and a maid and a new car, and my salary covered the house and my car payments, but not groceries or utilities). You may have deferred a personal or professional goal (I put off going to grad school).
The most powerful thing to help me was to remember that God won't give you a burden you can't can't handle with His help, and the second was the phrase, "It's only temporary." I'm in this situation now, but it's not forever. That has gotten me through that divorce, my financial troubles, rough spots in my second marriage, kids in trouble, job trouble, health crises - EVERYTHING. I have a friend who was going through some stuff and she asked me how I coped. I gave her the gift of "It's only temporary" and she says it got her past it.
If you can look at tough times as temporary, it's much easier to find ways through them, and to find happiness in the midst of them.
@Ruth,
One author had a book called "Tough Times Never Last -- But Tough People Do!"
I think the title said it all.
Thanks for the reminder.
I said it before and I'll say it again.......Kristen has the best set of teeth on the internet.
we switched to whitin barefoot shoes, and we are happy.
available on amazon
@April, thank you! Never heard of these, but DuckDuckGo also listed a site for "Xero Shoes", which sound promising.
It's been a long while since my 33-year-old son was little, but I remember the asphalt playground at his primary school destroying shoes. Canvas sneakers with heavy rubber soles like Converse held up well and we used Shoe Goo for repairs.
This has not been mentioned for grief, but when it becomes protracted, seek medical help. I struggled with grief for a long time after a friend killed herself, and eventually realized I needed help. It made it possible to recover.
I will say this, too, just in case anyone else is reading along who is as confused as I am: I don't understand running from your feelings. I don't understand the difference between "wallowing" (bad) and "experiencing your feelings" (good) and "getting out of your head" (good) and "running from your feelings" (bad). I guess I am a simple childlike soul. I'm not asking anyone to explain further.
Maybe you are just a natural at not running from your feelings, or stuffing them down! And that's good because pretty much every expert I've been reading/listening to says not to fight the grief or try to make it go away, but just to scoot over on the bench and welcome it to sit by you as long as it needs to.
And embracing that process actually tends to shorten the time you need to sit with the grief, ultimately.
@Rose,
Not here to try and explain, but I know that I tend to literally "stuff down" my feelings - I guess I "ignore" the feelings to avoid the pain - and then overeat to "fill" the emptiness/sadness/distress I feel. Trying very hard to change that.
@Rose and @Kristen…regarding “experiencing your feelings,” I think this is going to be very helpful to me. I believe after becoming a Christian in 1980 I learned about forgiveness and began trying to forgive immediately because when I did so it lifted the pain. The only thing is that I would sometimes then skip the pain of experiencing my feelings. I have lately been going through so much pain resulting from really old stuff that I thought I had forgiven years ago. I think it also allowed the other person to seemingly feel like he/she got off almost scot-free (completely free from obligation, harm, or penalty), therefore only to repeat the offense(s). The pain has been really deep. I hope I can learn from this. Thank you both.
Thank you Kristen for sharing this post. Currently, I'm grieving over a change in my own identity.
It took me a long time to realize that my name was causing me a lot of pain. It represented a lot of stupid choices and getting walked over by many people around me. My current solution is go by my middle name instead.
I'm happy to report it helped me greatly and yet I'm grieving for the loss of use over asking family and friends to call me Liz instead of Kelly. Many ugly cries in the past couple of weeks that were ultimately therapeutic.
Luckily for me, my family and friends completely understand and have taken to call me Liz readily!
-Liz who formerly commented under Kelly
@Liz formerly Kelly,
Liz, welcome to the land of Lizs! I'm glad you have found what makes you feel comfortable.
@Liz formerly Kelly, I did the same thing when I was 20. I'm now 74 and don't regret it for a second.
My son is incredibly hard on shoes. Brands he has destroyed within a month: see Kai run, xero, teva (sandals), any kind of athletic sneaker of any kind with a knit or thin cloth upper. I know there are many more but those are the memorable failures. Keen has been our most durable, and they have a 1 year warranty on manufacturer defects, which his failures tend to be. Generally it’s the sole detaching from the upper, I don’t know what he is doing with his shoes!! I’ve actually used the warranty on multiple occasions. He also had a pair of adidas sambas that I was able to sell when he outgrew them. Bogs for boots, they also have a warranty. My daughter has a pair of altra shoes that has held up amazingly well, though she is not as destructive.
My son is 16, and I started buying him Hoka's the last few years. Yes, they are more money. But I think they are better for his feet than cheap shoes, and he walks a lot (by choice). He loves how thick and bouncy the soles are! Plus I think they are better for his feet, which are kinda flat (like mine SIGH!). With that being said, I have had many talks with him about things costing money . . . and having a little self responsibility and taking care of what he has! Things have become so disposable, but we should still try to take care of what we have! I still have things from 20-30-40 years ago, simply because I took care of them. We should try to impart some lessons on these kids, because they will one day have to teach their kids . . . and what ARE you doing, if you aren't teaching your children about life!? Just my $0.02 . . . I guess I'm getting a little old school at the age of 44 LOL!
Stride Rite shoes.
@KT, I always bought them for my kids and never had a problem. I wonder if people just need to spend more instead of buying poor quality.
Sometimes that is the case. But man, it can be hard to justify for quickly-growing feet. I have an easier time justifying the higher spending when it's my feet, which don't generally change!
Kristen, thank you for your beautiful post about "digesting" grief. It was so helpful to me as my sister and myself continue to prepare our late Dad's house for sale in the Spring. It started out as the abandoned house you talked about in an earlier post. He was a chronic hoarder and collector and this has been a very difficult process. Plus, he was an imperfect person......professionally brilliant....probably a genius, but flawed....and I miss he and my Mom terribly every day. On a happier note, I wish you the best of luck in nursing school! You are so compassionate and empathetic, you will make a wonderful nurse. You are in my prayers!
Elizabeth
Thank you for sharing. I still have those day.
@KT, *days.
My hat's off to all the moms wrangling kid shoes.
When I get the blues I read the Psalms, many of which are beautiful laments for lost lives, lost times, lost places. The Psalms are among the oldest poetic collections in Hebrew and in the Christian Bible, and many have been set to music. They remind me that these times shall pass, and the grief of them will pass too.
Kristen, I just love, love, love how you share your journey as a journey instead of as a linear narrative, if that makes sense. You detail the process, express optimism for the future, but admit that you are in the messy middle. It humanizes you and inspires me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
@Amanda, there's nothing linear about grief, as Kristen so eloquently shows us. Me, I can go through all five of the Elisabeth Kubler-Ross stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) at a single sitting, and have done so for years. (Kubler-Ross herself said near the end of her life that she never intended these stages to be taken linearly.)
But my own journey with DH may have been a little easier than many others' experiences here have been, for these reasons: I have no possible blame to focus on anyone (hey, no one rang up God and asked for my DH to get Alzheimer's), and I know in retrospect how much worse our journey could have been. The stories I read in the spouse/partner caregiver forum on alzconnected.org remind me of that daily.
Still, I have occasional moments of deep regret that I was deprived of life with a fully functioning DH so soon, and that we never had anything like a conventional happy retirement together. But then I break out the mantra I've been using for years: "Who said life was fair?"
Yes to running around between the stages of grief. Happens here too.
@A. Marie, My husband died 5 yrs ago at 58. I still feel so cheated. And I feel cheated for him- I turned 58 this mos & I still have so much I want to do. I know he did, too. Heavy sigh. I am metabolizing.
Aww, I am so glad it encouraged you. And yes, I really think it's possible to grieve the past, live in the moment, and look forward to the future, all at the same time.
I don't think that'll be so necessary for me FOREVER but for right now, there's some grieving to do.
I deal with grief more easily than regret. Grief (for me) is usually occasioned by something ending, in a definitive way (death, etc.), and can therefore be “metabolized”, so to speak. Eventually. Sometimes sooner. Sometimes later.
But regret is that persistent, niggling “what if?” or “if only” voice in your head fantasizing about the “what might have been” outcomes arising from decisions you (or someone else) made about relationships, jobs, and other forks in the road of life.
So I have to remind myself “Self, you have NO WAY of knowing how that would have turned out” a day, a week, a year, a lifetime from then or now. NO WAY. It could well have been AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE!!
And then I move on. To another fork in the road of life....
I buy Skechers brands for my younger kids anymore (9 yrs +). My kids have trouble tying shoe laces, so I need velcro to make my life easier. Also, my kids have big feet, and I've moved into adults sizes for most of them. (my 10 yr old and 18 yr old have the same size feet!) Skechers seem to hold up, I can find them in velcro styles, and sales occur at Target or Amazon. It kills me to spend $30-$40 on shoes. (I used to buy Payless brands all the time - washable, cute, affordable! I wish they were still in business.) However, I do find spending a little more on the brand pays of in sturdiness. I don't mind the mesh/knit upper too much - I'll throw sneakers in the wash and set them aside to dry with newspaper inside to help wick out the moisture.
Walmart has some athletic brands that are ok, with velcro, but the fit isn't always good for wide feet. Also, many of the shoes are so heavy - basketball type with high tops and weighty sole - that they look very uncomfortable for day to day use.
None of my shoe suggestions are cheap options, but they last and are durable. Tsukiboshi shoes are extremely durable and very washable. You throw them in the wash and they come out spotless. They are also really tough. My kids have one pair of shoes per size (no extras) and these have last well.
For warmer weather, you can’t beat Keens for kids. I have a pair I bought used then all 3 kids wore, and they are still in good enough shape I’ll pass on to someone else. They are truly indestructible and do a great job protecting feet.
For my kids that have outgrown tsukihoshi shoes (or want “cool”) shoes, I recommend ordering directly from Nike. They have a 2 year warranty. We had a pair wear out and Nike sent me a box to return them….once approved, I got a full refund. That is about as good as you can expect for kids shoes.
I am pretty frugal but absolutely think you get what you pay for in terms of shoes and would rather spend extra to buy shoes that will last.
Van's have regular sales as do Converse. That doesn't help if your kids are like mine and have very specific wants on what they want to wear.
As for mourning the past, I just try to accept that most of life is awful and you just have to suck it up and deal with it yourself because the overwhelming majority of people just simply do not care.
Zoe and I were watching P&P the other night and Mr. Darcy said something like, "The more I see of people, the more I am disappointed." And Zoe said, "same."
(working retail will definitely bring you to this conclusion! lol)
@Kristen, I once hired a young woman as a receptionist on the spot when I asked her what her favorite job had been and she said "Working at Toys 'R' Us over the Christmas holidays!"
As I navigate the divorce road as well, I thank you for sharing this today.
Kristin, first of all thank you for this wonderful group site! I rarely comment but have gotten so much positive and useful info from it. About the questions: we have six grown children and our youngest is 22 years old, so I’m not really in a good place to comment on kids’ shoes at this point:) About grief: wonderful advice; grieving the past for me has been unavoidable, especially in the case of the suicides of 2 close family members. What I came to realize was that I will never get over these losses, but what has happened is that I got used to thinking about it every day. When I would wake up in the morning, at first it was constant, like getting hit in the head with a sledgehammer-“ they really are gone!” Now it is more like I have gotten used to thinking about it & the realization is softer & less harsh. It will always cause me grief to lose these people, but as you say I have made peace with the pain.
Also, about grief and life not proceeding as planned, our fourth child is special needs; it became apparent by the time he was 3-4 years old when he was diagnosed. He lives with us and we will be his guardians for the rest of our lives most likely. At first the grief and worry was almost unbearable-I didn’t feel like I could do this-parent & care for this child! He is now 26 years old and I have to say that he has changed us all in so many good ways; what he & we are capable of doing & we have met & gotten to know so many great people! Life not going as planned-well at first I never would have chosen this, but if given a choice now I would do it all over again:) sorry for the long comment-keep up the good work Kristin!
My youngest is 17 years old, so I'm probably not a lot of help with specific shoe brands. However, my rule of thumb was that the pair of shoes worn most often by my kids needed to be a decently supportive shoe which was appropriate for gym class as well as outdoor play. I replaced the shoes every 6-9 months, partly because of foot growth, but also because the footbeds in shoes wear out, and that's the most important part of the shoe. As they got older and didn't go through changes in shoe size quite as quickly, I was willing to spend a little bit more to accommodate their activity needs. For instance, my son stopped playing baseball at around age 11, and instead was much more interested in hiking on rugged terrain, so we went from an athletic shoe to a hiker shoe with a more rugged sole. I think the hardest time to buy shoes for both of my kids was when they were in the in-between sizes of children's shoes vs adult shoe sizes. I feel for the parents of younger kids! Buying shoes is tricky and pricey!
I buy two pairs of Nike or New Balance for my daughter. It usually last the school year and she is very hard with her shoes. Then, she uses the battered one for camp.
Here's what works for us for shoes: Keen sandals. The ones with closed toes (Newport or similar style). My kids wear them year round, with socks in winter. They look almost like sneakers so I like to think it's fine! My kids love them. We just switch to snow or rain boots when needed. They do not wear out. And I generally get them for $25 or less via Amazon warehouse (far more limited size and color options but the price is right).
About regrets and the shoulda/woulda/couldas: wow, have I been there far too often. Starting in my 50s, I started looking back at all the opportunities I'd missed, decisions that had been made *for* me instead of *by* me, roads not travelled....which only led to anger, sadness and despair. I can't say I've conquered this completely, but this blog and other things I've read have helped me see the truly beautiful things I have in my life. Did my life turn out like I'd thought it would? Nope. But I am the person I am today because of all the good and not-so-good things that have come my way.
@Liz B., well said.
Man, Kristen, you could write a book to help others in your situation. And, you should. Here’s why: not only have you had to endure a separation and divorce, you also had to set up a brand new household, almost from scratch, for yourself and your children, who I’m sure are also grieving.
Others in this more uncommon situation would probably love to have a primer with your wonderful attitude and strategies that you have learned and are so good at articulating.
Maybe one day I will! But first: divorce and nursing school. 😉
We had great luck with Converse and Vans. Both washable.
@Carolyn, maybe come back to the US? It doesn't sound like you have much of a life where you live now.
@Rose, I was thinking the same thing.
When my kids were that age, I would just scour the consignment stores and buy shoes in the upcoming sizes that look good. I got sooo many high quality shoes new-with-tags or with barely any sign of use. I kept a large bin of clothes/shoes in the next 2-3 sizes for each kid and with each change of season (4-season location), I would take things out at the next size/season and make more room.
Sometimes kids did not like something I bought, but because I paid so little for these things that I collected over time, I just accepted it as a 'the cost of doing business' and figured buying 2 pairs of shoes for $5 each and they wear 1 pair, is waay cheaper than buying a new pair at $75.
I hate shopping on purpose, and collecting things slowly worked well for me. The kids got used to 'going shopping' in their bin, and looked forward to it, it was a sign they were growing! becoming a Big Kid! And if they didn't want to wear something, I'd keep it in the bin until they were too big to wear it because they sometimes changed their mind later on and decide to wear something that they'd previously declined to use.
When they got to early teens, the bin just didn't work anymore because their style was changing so dynamically that I could no longer more or less guess what they'd wear. So then I'd take them to thrift stores, let them go wild and choose what they want and off we went. For shoes, then I'd just go and get them a high-quality new pair and they'd only have 3 pairs: runners, sandals (water if possible), winter boots, and just replace each pair as they died, any extra from family or thrift/consignment stores were bonus and not replaced immediately when they had had enough.
Anyway, brands that lasted more than kid: Keens (sandals and shoes), Tokuhishi, New Balance, Boggs.
Good luck!
This is similar to what I do. The thrift shop that is three blocks from our house has half price Saturdays each week. I keep an eye out for name brand shoes in good condition on a regular basis and purchase ahead of time when I can.
Your grief tips are similar to what I went through through processing my chronic illness. Decades of abuse as a child / young person culminated in helping create a degenerative disease that ended my career right as I got to the high level I spent many many years trying to attain. It's so easy to want to let yourself wallow in the sadness of the destruction of a life you were creating, by something outside of your control. And to know that the actions of others actively trying to hurt you caused it. It's a really really hard thing. (Sorry if this isn't clear, I had surgery today and am still loopy!!)
That said, I have been able to create a beautiful life anyway. It may be very small in many ways, but I can still find things to be grateful for even though permanently disabled by 40 without any happy childhood or early adult years was never my plan. I think approaching yourself with care and love and patience is the best tip.
An example - sometimes my cat gets caught in a cycle where his brain 'gets stuck' and he starts scratching at the wall next to his litter box and won't stop till he's redirected. I go to him gently, 'hey bud, is your brain stuck? It's okay, it happens!' and redirect him. Then he snaps out of it and can move on to his next thing. I can do the same thing to myself when I find myself paralyzed and stuck in bad feelings or memories. Treating myself gentleness and kindness. It's hard to be stuck in that space, but loving yourself and understanding that those feelings are just a part of life helps make peace with them. Sending love to everyone struggling <3
(For those struggling with chronic illness, I recommend this book https://www.amazon.com/Live-Well-Chronic-Pain-Illness/dp/1614292485 it really helped me <3)
My comment will not be THE answer to dealing with grief. But I agree with what you said, Kristen. AND another thing that helps me is history, or maybe considering a timeline. This is what I'm experiencing NOW. I've experienced pain/grief in the past and dealt with it. I can remember that. I know there will be grief in the future (unless I die tomorrow, there will be plenty of folks I love who die). I can learn about history (like all of recorded history), and logically tell myself that all of those people experienced the same things I am experiencing. This is not new to me. And for some reason, seeing myself as a little ant shuffling along a giant timeline full of so many other similar ants...well, that makes me feel better, no so alone in my grief.
@Jody S.,
LOVE that, thank you.
my life turned out way better than i thought it would. i thought i would be a spinster cat lady. but i have a hubby, 2 kids who are my treasures and a dog named buddy. my family of origin was a disaster. i was lonely and friendless. but now i have a network of people who have helped me with whatever whenever i reached out to them. i am past middle age now and am grateful for whatever i have left. i have 19 years more than my mother had and if i am lucky like my dad i have 27 years left. i worked 35 years in one company without ever getting a promotion but when i retired i got a lump sum instead of a pension and i have not touched it yet.
Glad you are wise enough to realize this takes Time!!! When I was going through the very early process and hurting so badly.....someone I met told me in six weeks I would be past it. Don't know how she did that but for me it took a long while. Years to tell the truth but had much court "fighting" to do for equitable disbribution so lived in terror until that was over......which did not help. (I wrote you earlier with cautions regarding ED but you seem to be in good stead with your attorney and if that is the case.....thank the Lord!!!) Anyway....Time truly does help....although that sounds cold when said. I remember a doctor telling me that once and I thought how is that supposed to help which is what he said also. But it is So Very True!!! I had begun work on my Master's and was a "zoo" first year....but by second year actually able to pay attention and enjoyed school again. You are in my thoughts and prayers. And yes....it is Not The Way it Was Supposed to Be.....I never thought would happen.....but honestly it turned out to be best thing ever happened to me and for my two children...one of which is special needs. It is literally making oneself "put one foot in front of the other' some days.....and most days for me for long while.....but healing does come and truly we learn so very much and become SO much stronger....in good ways. God Bless and Keep You!!!! Good thoughts and prayers sent your way.
PS: Any support groups for person going through divorce or great & wonderful therapist is also helpful to help us survive that pain until it lessens. Again, may God be with You!!!! Gaye
Life may not have turned out the way you thought it should; it didn’t go according to plan. But the good news is that there’s more than one plan that leads to a beautiful life!
THIS is spot on. And you, and your blog, are living proof of this sentence. Thank you for your writing, Kristen!
Such wise words about “digesting’ the grief and sadness.Our family has had some set backs in expectations due to illness in a grown son. So many dreams not possible now.But I have always been an optimist (sorely sorely tested this past 2 years..) andI tend to see beauty everywhere I go.. and all around me, most of the time. With the help of a kind and wise therapist,I’ve been able to stay steady and continue to find beauty and Joy in the days, the moments, and to make plans for MY future.. it took a year of being very lost to get back to that point, but we can.. it usually takes support and help from others, I tried too long to do it alone.
I am SO PROUD to see your first week of joining the “NURSING TRIBE!!” CONGRATULATIONS!! I am a retired N.P. and I know you are an asset to this profession and will gain so much satisfaction from your choice. Those evening clinicals will fly by and hopefully next semester you get something better in terms of days/hours.
Some small things I do to stay centered and to hlp me keep digesting and moving forwards:
1. I buy fresh flowers for my kitchen counter every 2 weeks at trader Joe.
2.I watch my own nutrition and exercise daily.
3.I pray,meditate, I keep a gratitude journal, and I see a counselor once a month now (was weekly for a year!!)
4.I make quality time to hang out with my spouse: we play cards,hike,swim, go to the library, and have quiet dinners with candles sometimes.
5. I CONSCIOUSLY pay attention to what is good and beautiful in my life.
As you know,some days it’s easier than. others, but I am determined to use the time I have been given to appreciate and enjoy life on this planet, while caring for our son and helping his life be the best it can be.
THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR JOURNEYS!
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Aww, thank you for your encouragement!
Thank you, Kristen, for posting my shoe question, and to the readers for so many good suggestions! I've never heard of Tsukihoshi and was only vaguely familiar with Keen. Cost hasn't always correlated to durability in other brands, so it's helpful to know so many other value shoppers think they are worthwhile!
For the other question writer and everyone who commented, I've often felt very alone (and unlucky) in my grief. It's helped to know that almost everyone is grieving their own losses, and that I don't need to explain or shove my feelings down based on others' expectations or comfort. Sending good thoughts your way.
I think this may have been the best post ever. Thank you Kristen.
My kids have been wearing Plae forever. They've never fallen apart; we've always needed to size up (and I think they have a short term fit guarantee so if you buy them and your kid immediately outgrows them you get a new pair). They are velcro and open very very wide--one of my daughters has trouble with fine motor skills and these shoes are super easy to get into. They also get a pair of Natives each summer (I've gotten knock offs but they do wear out and Natives don't) and usually a pair of summer sandals (to wear with dresses and such) and winter dressy boots (for church). That plus boots (and the occasional hand me down dress shoes) is it. So 99% of the time you'll find them in Natives or Plae and we've had zero issues. They're pricier but my dad loves gifting so "they" ask for them for Christmas and birthday when they need a new pair.
I so enjoyed that book- it was beautifully written. Laughed and laughed over her and the neighbor across the street roller skating to disco in the driveway during the pandemic. Oh, the things we did when we couldn’t do our usual!
Merrell shoes have held up the best for my kids. I've often found them barely used on Poshmark. My only complaint is that they don't seem to make any kid's shoes with laces, which is only a problem when you have a kid who needs to learn how to tie their shoes.
For cleaning shoe soles, I have also found that a little scrubbing with Soft Scrub scouring cleaner can help get them white again! Magic Eraser is definitely helpful too as Kristen said!