On women, pressure, and inadequacy
I randomly came across this post and thought that, especially with the holidays coming up, we could all probably use some of these reminders!
The other day, I got a pingback from another blog.
The author had read my post with tips for making a great photo book, and doing so had inspired her to write about how in her family, photo books are pretty darn low on the List Of Important Things.
(To wit: they have a wedding photo book that they rarely crack open.)
This got me thinking about how families vary so widely.
Obviously, in my family, we are pretty big on pictures. I love to take them and the rest of the family loves to look at them.
Scrapbooks and photobooks occupy at least a shelf and a half on my largest bookshelf, and interestingly enough, I never find a layer of dust atop the books because they don't stay still for long.
Zoe in particular likes to carry armfuls of the books up to the sofa, where she settles in and brushes up on our family's history. Her interest is not limited to books about her; she frequently looks through the books about family life before her arrival.
(and I know she reads all the journaling beside the photos, because she talks to me about pre-Zoe events I've scrapbooked about.)
The books bring me joy as well. The new ones are fun, but I think scrapbooks and photobooks become better with age, as the people and events move farther back into history, and memories become fuzzier.
Anyway. All of that is to say that in our home, we love us some photos and scrapbooks and photo books.
BUT.
Please, please know that I in no way, shape, or form think that every household should be like ours. There are homes where cameras only emerge on holidays and where photos live in boxes in a closet, and honestly, I lose no sleep over that whatsoever.
It's a little odd for me to say this, given how many photo books I've made, but I just don't think photo books matter that much in the grand scheme of things.
We love 'em at our house, but homes without photo books are not inferior any more than my household is inferior because I don't garden (or sew my kids' clothes or send out Christmas cards....)
Unfortunately, I think a lot of people (women especially) feel inadequate if they don't have neatly organized albums.
(Interjection- Because women especially tend to feel inadequate if we don't do All Of The Things that women are "supposed" to do, and because I am a woman myself, I'm going to address this from the perspective of a woman, while recognizing that this struggle is not limited just to women.)
Every woman has their own unique strengths and weaknesses, and we cannot expect ourselves to have all of the strengths and none of the weaknesses.
Also?
Every woman has things she loves to do and we should not feel inadequate because we love something else.
For instance, some women rock at packing imaginative, creative Bento box lunches. For them, lunch packing is an art form and they enjoy it. But there is no reason for the rest of us to feel less than for serving up a sandwich in a baggie.
Some moms plan amazing themed birthday parties for their kids.
Some women are super great at coming up with fun outings.
Some moms sew fantastic clothes for their kids.
Some women earn a gazillion dollars a year with the business they started.
Some moms do lots of creative crafts with their kids.
Some women have mad clean house skills.
Some moms take amazing photos of their children every day.
Some women are insanely fit.
Some women are awesome at personal style, or at home decorating.
But the thing is, despite what you see on Pinterest, no one person is top notch at every single one of those things.
(and I barely scratched the surface of possible skills!)
I think we mentally take 30 women with various skills, mentally compress them into one woman, and then hold her up as our exhausting and impossible standard.
For the most part, I don't think the blame for this lies at the feet of bloggers/Pinterest, because it is totally ok to share what you're good at with the world.
(I do think there's some onus on us bloggers to acknowledge our imperfections, even if we don't choose to parade them before the world in great detail.)
But even if other people are to blame, we certainly can't control that. We can only control how we respond to other people's displays of gifted-ness.
So, when I feel inadequate or want to denigrate another mom's strong suit, here's what I try to do.
I remind myself that no one person is all strength and no weakness.
Every one of us is a mixture of the two.
(Even the women who are super good at hiding their weaknesses.)
I remind myself that it doesn't have to be perfect to bless other people.
I devoted a whole post to this topic a few years ago, but to sum it up:
Don't give up on things just because someone else does it better. It's all right to do just an okay job of cooking or crafting or decorating or dressing or documenting your kids' lives.
You are in a unique place to bless the people in your path, and you can still bless people with your imperfect skills.
I try to see defensiveness for what it is.
Usually, when I am tempted to criticize what another mom does, it's not because I actually think what she's doing is stupid. It's because I feel inadequate for not doing what she's doing.
Recognizing that gives me a chance to remind myself of the #1 and #2 above.
I try to avoid temptation.
I used to read a cooking/baking blog written by a mom who seemed to be completely perfect.
She had a demanding job, a couple of small children, still managed to cook and bake ALL the time (with perfectly decorated cakes and cookies!) and she beautifully photographed all of her food for her very professional blog.
(cookie decorating at our house: no royal icing is ever involved.)
What did me in was that none of this perfection was diluted with any disclosure of weakness. And even though I knew she had to have weaknesses, reading her blog just brought on serious feelings of inadequacy.
So, I unsubscribed.
I think that if a blog is making you feel inadequate rather than inspired, it is totally okay to admit that you're not strong enough to handle it. Stop reading that blog and spend your internet minutes consuming material that fuels you and brings you joy instead.
___________________________
Kristen, you really take beautiful pictures! I have lot of pictures developed but I haven't done anything with it yet.Not even putting them in the photo albums because I keep telling myself I'll find "cute albums next time". Maybe, I will consider doing photo books like yours. They look so neat!
This is a fantastic message: "Stop reading that blog and spend your internet time consuming material that fuels you and brings you joy instead."
It applies a lot more widely than to just blog reading/internet browsing, of course, though that fell outside the scope of your argument in this post. There are definitely times when we (people, generally) have to do things we don't enjoy doing, either because they have to get done or to stretch ourselves, like paying bills or completing a class. But generally speaking, doing something that isn't a life requirement should be energizing.
Our time in this life is not just limited, but mysterious - we don't know what the limit IS. So every moment possible should be spent glorifying God by honoring the unique gifts he's given us, as individuals, rather than wishing we were/had something else. Be the best YOU you can be, and that will bring the greatest joy to others.
Thanks for sharing this message - I needed to hear it, at the beginning of the work week!
I decided a long time ago that I'm perfectly imperfect. I don't even pretend anymore! I have five cats, two dogs, a messy son, and a husband who is myopic when it comes to anything out of place. Don't get me wrong, I do my best - but it doesn't matter!
I have a big box of photos; your beautiful work has inspired me to get them all scanned, and at least identify what they are. It'll take time, I know - but that's fine. I'll just do my best, as I do with everything else!
God bless you and your family, Kristen. You rock.
I started my daughter's baby book right after she was born. A couple days of not being able to finish a page made me put it away and hide it because I just haven't got up the gusto to try again. I feel bad that I don't have a beautiful book to share with our daughter (now almost two and a half). I like remind myself that we can't all care about everything at once and that seems to help.
Yes! There are SO many other more important things for you to do as a mom...a baby book is nice, but I don't at all think it's top priority.
I just finished my daughter's baby book. She is now 4! At least I got it "done". That is after she complained her sister has one and hers has been a work in progress for so long....
@Emily @ Simple Cheap Mom,
Actually I stopped after maternity leave and our kids are in their twenties now. We have boxes with their pictures, fairly organized, and they have absolutely no interest in them! Similar to the boxes I kept with school papers and art work. We are keeping those just in case they should change their minds in their 30s.
I have always loved the Shaker idea of embracing and even requiring imperfections in their work as a reminder that there is only one perfect being. I am edging dangerously close to having spread myself to thin this year, and I'm scrambling towards a few big events this weekend that I feel woefully under prepared. I appreciate this post, as it reminds me that a piano recital can be just that; it doesn't need to be an all-out Halloween party. My humble punch and store-bought goodies will be OK (thank goodness I'm a teacher and not a Baker!)
This is why I have said NO to Pinterest
My mother has OCD/cleanliness issues, so growing up she spent most of her time cleaning and we were not allowed to get dirty or help with anything lest it not be "perfect". Cooking or baking was out of the question as it made the kitchen "a total mess". Now that I am a mom, it became super important to me that my kids had homemade birthday cakes, played outside and realized that everything is not perfect. I still struggle with presenting a perfectly clean house for guests, but am working through it. Everyone needs to be reminded that we are all human with different strengths and weaknesses. Great post!
I think that sometimes we have to admit to ourselves that we are envious, pray for forgiveness and wisdom to get through it. Generally, I adjust to someone else's seeming perfection , superior seeming kids, etc. and incorporate it into my life. We don't need to subject ourselves to any inferior feelings that we can avoid, though. I also remind myself that there's always someone better off than me, and always someone worse off, and that God's still in control.
I rarely comment on blogs, but this one is something that happened to me recently. I was big on reading all types of blogs and being on Facebook, a lot of my day. It didn't help that I work from home and when I needed a break I would read blogs or cruise Facebook. I was finding that I was becoming cynical and very judgey. "How does she decorate, work full time and keep her house that clean?", "Oh, please there is no way that her house looks like that all the time?", "Who comes up with recipes like that, does she think we are all chefs?"
One day I took a step back, I didn't like the person I was becoming and realized that it was me trying to live up to these high standards I thought these women were portraying. I was always to trying to decorate my house just like them, be organized just like them or cook just like them. One thing that drives me nuts still, is when you see a house in a magazine and then read the blog and they comment how the magazine painted a wall, brought in all sorts of knick knacks, pictures to make the home seem more homey. I want to see a home in a magazine how they home owners live, with kids and pets, yes a cleaned up version, but not a made up version by the magazine, that is not real.
So, I unsubscribed from quite a few of the blogs and cut my Facebook feed quite a bit. I still have my favourites that I read occasionally and if I am curious about something I will Google it.
My attitude has changed, I am no longer bitter or stressed out because I wasn't doing what they were doing. I had lunch with a girlfriend and we had a very long talk about this subject, I think it's hitting a lot of people.
Perfect is a illusion and we should all strive to be the best "me" we can be.
Thanks for letting me rant.
This may be the best blog post I've read in a while! Great job, you are such a blessing.
I love the photo books as well, and I put it on my priority list because I think it's important to remember where we've been and my kids love them too 🙂
"...spend your internet time consuming material that fuels you and brings you joy instead."
As the great James Taylor sang "That's why I'm here...". I think I'll be humming that tune all day. No chance of unsubscribing here.
Pinterest and Facebook do seem to be a significant source of feelings of inadequacy among women I know. I'm not on either, so I don't know firsthand, but I've heard discussion to that effect.
About the only thing that I feel I fall short on is keeping my house clean, and the standard I hold myself to is my mother, who has always had a clean house and never in her life hired anyone to help her clean it. I felt like a failure for even considering getting someone to clean the downstairs in my house before baby #3 arrives in a couple of months, but then I realized that was pretty dumb. My mother never lived in an ancient house containing the dirt of ages, on a quasi-farm with the accompanying farm filth. And more importantly, she cares a lot about it and chooses to spend her time cleaning. I choose to spend my time doing other things--like cooking, gestating, and chasing after two small boys. And now I'm going to choose to hire someone else to spend a couple of days doing cleaning that I cannot physically do at the moment so that I don't feel so depressed about the state of my home. Makes sense to me.
I thank my mother for allowing me the freedom to live in squalor. I figure I'm blessing my children with that same freedom (while still teaching them to keep common areas free of their junk so they get along with future roommates and partners).
Great post Kristen. Thank you for being real.
Wonderful points, thanks for sharing! It is so hard to remember this sometimes and I'm always thankful for bloggers who point out that not everything is as perfect as it seems on the screen.
This very well might be my favorite one of your posts (and I love all your stuff!). You hit the nail on the head when you talked about perfection without the disclosure of any area of weakness. I think that's what makes the difference between a blogpost that inspires vs one that seems braggy. And when we perceive bragging (whether or not it was intended), we are then tempted to respond with petty thoughts or jealousy. But now that you've verbalized this, I think I will be better at keeping impressive blogposts in perspective. Thank you.
Kristen, this is so well written. I've read your blog for a long time, and I continue to read it because you are positive and encouraging. You are right, spend your time on things that boost you up, rather than bring you down. I think if we as women, support one another for our strengths, rather than our weaknesses the world would be a much different place. Thanks for always being a bright light on the sometimes questionable internet landscape.
Excellent, excellent post. I love how you use a thoughtful approach in your writing and how you're so gracious in how you say things.
I deactivated my Facebook account in June (http://aliensintheapple.com/2014/10/10/why-i-quit-facebook/) and also unsubscribed from a bunch of blogs. I wanted to be thoughtful about what I spend my time on, so you saying "spend your internet time consuming material that fuels you and brings you joy instead" really resonated. And that's just another reason why I still faithfully read every single one of your posts that land in my inbox!
Kristen, can I just say thank you? Yes? OK, thank you! Your blog never fails to make me feel good--and I am accomplished at almost none of the things you are, funnily enough! (The image of a dusty box of photos -- I believe ours is somewhere in the basement? -- made me crack up. Guilty as charged!)
Oh, and your frosted cookies are just adorable in all their imperfection. 🙂
Anyway, regarding those feelings of inadequacy: I, as a disability mom, experience them a lot, as much as I try not to. Often I feel judged by parents whose children do not share my child's challenges, and for whom parenting looks a lot different than it does for me. It's definitely possible I'm defensive and taking things the wrong way--although sometimes it's pretty clear I'm not. Either way, feeling judged is a bummer--but especially when one is judgmental of oneself
And yet, I think my biggest source of insecurity is around the issue of house cleaning! 😉
I could show you some photographic evidence of #cleaningfail, but...I think I won't. Between the things I have (and want) to do for my family and pursuing meaningful work--for me, that's writing--there's little time left for vacuuming and mopping. And if I squeeze in those things, then I can't take care of myself. Which, I am learning--about 15 years too late--is an OK thing to do.
Still working on making peace with my bad housekeeping. (Hey--new magazine title, maybe?)
Thanks again, you are an amazing blogger and person!
Your blog is definitely in the "fuels me and brings me joy" category! I have read it for a few years now and never feel that you don't provide a balanced perspective on your "real world". I love your positivity and your clear love and talent for homemaking. P.S. I deactivated my Facebook because it was bringing out a snarky side of me I didn't like. I couldn't stand all of the bragging people do and I haven't missed it at all!
Good post, Kristen. We put WAY too much pressure on ourselves and certainly personalities lend themselves to it more than others. I like to think that I've matured in my confidence as a mom and homemaker to just know who I am and what I can and can't do. We all make choices based on our time, our income, our family priorities, in what we do each week. The trick is to find out what you enjoy and what you don't and what becomes important to your family and what is just "fluff." We all have different gifts and to know them and stand strong in who you are even while reading about someone who does a certain thing so much better than you, takes prayer and confidence. This is coming from a former scrapbook company consultant who dealt with "photo guilt" customers all the time. And now I'm a fitness ministry instructor and it has changed to exercise guilt laden women! Find out what gives you joy and what is at the top of your priority list and rest in who God made you to be! We're all made different. Thanks for the wise words today.
I'm a darn good cook and sorely lacking in other domestic skills. I keep meaning to put together a wedding album (married 11 years) but never seem to get around to it. I did make an extended family photo book for my grandmother recently - her 91-year-old self Ian' t on the web and no one prints pics anymore, so I downloaded my sister's and cousin's pics and made the book. She loves it.
I don't know what a "tablescape" is, and unsubscribed from a blogger who was obsessed with placesettings. Her placesetting makes her happy and, should I host a dinner party, I may go there for ideas. But for ME it's electronic clutter in my blog reader. Vivre la difrence!
I love this post! I think I usually do a pretty good job tempering my expectations for what I can rationally handle while trying to be supermom, but it's good to be reminded that we all struggle with this. Just a few weeks ago a good friend of mine indicated that I was amazing because I occasionally make my own yogurt, and I reminded her that while I was making my own yogurt, something else was surely not getting done! We all publicly display our best selves - I've never once thought of myself as "that" mom, so it was pretty surprising to hear that from my friend.
Thank you for this Kristen! It's interesting how each woman compares and reacts differently. For instance, for me personally, Pinterest doesn't make me feel inadequate, although for many it does. (And I'm not saying that all that I do is Pinterest worthy, not even close!) What I struggle with is similar to you, when I know a certain woman is projecting a false image of reality, I have to watch myself from getting too bitter.
Conversely, I do think sometimes as women we can be very self deprecating in order to fit in. Over exaggerating our weaknesses, or denying our strengths, for the sake of being like everyone else. It's a form of peer pressure almost. It's a fine balance I think. Being proud of what we do well, but being honest about what we don't do well. But not claiming inadequacy in an area we are actually competent in, just to fit in.
That's an interesting point...if we know other women despise moms who make super cute lunches, or who cook dinner every night, it can make us feel like we can't share if that's our strong suit. Which is sad, because it's good to be confident and happy about the things we ARE good at.
Yeah, the second point is really good!! I guess I just try to be pretty open about both (not that I have a blog, but just in life). I am a pretty good cook, and when I make an awesome meal, I talk about it! But my house is also a disgusting mess, and all my friends are well aware of that too 🙂
How do I handle feelings of inadequacy? By reminding myself of the very things you talk about, no one is fabulously skilled in all areas, everyone has weaknesses. Also, I've read lots of domestic history, pioneer journals, etc. Even back in the 1600-1800's women didn't do everything! No family was completely self-sufficient, and no one woman could do it all! Thanks for the timely reminder. I've been feeling guilty because I don't have a garden nor do I bottle my own fruits and veggies. But, that's why building a network of good friends is so important. We can help each other do all things by working to our strengths. I can sew new kitchen curtains for you, and you can share your garden produce with me. You can bottle up some produce for me and I'll clean your house for you. We don't have to be good at everything if we'll share our talents and exchange services.
That's actually really cool to note the historical aspect.
I love this post, and I try to remind myself of this idea all the time, that I don't have to like the things that "everyone" is supposed to like. For me, this is photography. I feel like every mom in my circle is supposed to have a expensive camera and just love taking pictures of her children, but I know that I would never learn to use an expensive camera like that. (I also would hate lugging it around everywhere and knwo that I would never practive enough with it to get good at photography.) I'm happy with just my cell phone and 2.99 Groovebook a month. Just know that makes it easier to not feel jealous or inadequate around people who do love photography.
I heard a phrase the other day that is helping me, "We compare our behind the scenes mess with their highlight reel."
@Linda Sand, yes!
I always say : ''Don't compare your inside with their outside'', meaning we can see what other do, but we can't see how other feels, so no point comparing.
Firstly I think this post was incredibly well written Kristen.
Photos and scrapbooks are incredibly important to me, alas I have not yet done one of the photobooks that I have intended to and I have 9 years of backlog! When I read your photobook posts, rather than feeling inadequate I feel inspired - because you're a Mom like me and you make time, so I should be able to also! So - I'm going to make a start! (I always say this ;))
But...
I know that photos aren't a priority for everyone. And that's how the world works - we're all different.
It's all about priorities. there's lots of things I don't prioritise, that maybe I should.
As for the 'bento' lunchboxes you may have seen my pathetic attempt on Instagram - but I'm not in competition with anyone else and my Kids absolutely loved the effort I made - Let me give a lovely lady a shout out at this point - Grace from Eats Amazing (UK) - I follow her lunches and boy if I were the type to feel inadequate (which it would seem I'm not) these would do the trick! 😉
ps - inspired by this post so will use as talking point on 'Open House' Thursday - Thank you!
Aww, thank you for your encouragement!
Thank you for keeping me inspired!
Awesome!
OMG, I am so thrilled to hear of another woman who does not send Christmas cards. I certainly don't want to start any kind of war about it, but for me it hasn't made sense for years. The people I interact with, I usually try to get together with sometime during December to acknowledge the season. People far away, well, we keep in touch by phone or email. Those who have moved on, well they have moved on for me.
But to each her own, of course.
Yes, I think it depends SO much on the person and their situation and priorities. Some people just really do LOVE to make cards and send them out, so it's not a chore for them, you know?
And some people have old friends and family scattered all over, so if those friends and family aren't really on the internet much, a physical card is a good solution (I send snail mail letters to my grandpa because he doesn't have internet!).
I'm one of those people who like to send out cards, but I don't bother trying for Christmas cards. I make New Year's cards instead. This way I don't have the pressure of a set holiday, and I don't have to juggle multiple feelings on "Christmas" (different religions, the materialism of it all, traditional vs. modern aesthetics...). I enjoy making cards, and do it once a year for this very reason. I don't mind if people don't send me anything, though!
What a wonderful post, Kristen. Warm, wise words.
Thank you for this post! It's such a good and gentle reminder to not compare our insides with other people's outsides.
I recently came across the idea of "What You Can, When You Can," and it's helpful for me to remember that there are times when the "what I can" is quite impressive to myself and others, and sometimes... well... not so much.
I also figure that, every time I do my best and feel I came up short, it gives other people permission to be imperfect, as well.
Like you, Kristin, I tend to just unsubscribe to blogs I just can't seem to relate to or that make me feel inadequate compared to my perceived view of the blogger's over-the top perfection. I have to say, your blog is actually one of my favorites. Even though I suspect our lives could not be more different-I'm a single mom with two kids and work full-time. Still, I love your baking tips and have tried several of your recipes, and while I'm not a great cook, I do find cooking/baking kind of therapeutic so it's something I like to spend time doing. I often dream of taking a photo class after looking at your photos and reading your photography related posts. Alas, I'm terrible about taking picture and I'm sure one day I will regret not having more photos for which to "look back on." I'll probably never be a DIY kind of gal but love to see your before and afters. For my money, your blog seems to be a nice mix of seeing what can be done while at the same time getting glimpes of 'keepin' it real!' Blogs like yours who I feel offer a good mix are ones I tend to stick with. The rest eventually get kicked to the curb, so to speak!
Like I said to another reader just now, I am so encouraged to hear that people with lives different than my own feel welcome and find help here! Thank you for taking the time to encourage me.
(Also: major props to you for doing any baking, because I'm sure doing the single mom with a full-time job gig is tough!!)
Kristen,
Your photos are wonderful. Wonderful memory books for your children. I hope one day in the near future I'll be organized enough to do something with my family photos! I feel as women we need to support one another in family decisions. Mothers have enough judgement out there. It's great to bake a dozen cookies, but it's okay to stop by a great bakery and purchase a treat! Everyone adjust their time and finances for what works for their family. Different blogs inspire us in different ways and that's good! Thanks for your ideas Kristen.
Let me join the chorus -- I really liked this post. I struggle with keeping the house clean and tidy, hand-making gifts, sewing, canning, baking and cooking from scratch, working in the yard, and oh, yeah, holding down a full-time job; why on earth do I try to do it all perfectly? Is it going to really matter in years to come?
My kids are grown and gone, but when they were home and into all kinds of activities, I finally hit a wall and declared that what could, within reason, get done, would get done, but not one whit more. It's only since it's been only my husband and me (well, and two dogs and two cats) that the "perfection urge" has managed to creep up on me again. It's funny that you posted this just now, because I just cancelled my Better Homes and Gardens and Southern Living magazines -- they only made me crazy trying to keep up with their picture perfect houses and recipes. I also finally let go of hosting a couple of the holidays; the daughters are willing to do it at their homes, and I am free to just help out.
Now if I could just get over my issue with pet hair "tumbleweeds"......
No one is perfect, that's is why I am thankful I have a perfect God! So whenever I feel inadequete... I remember that if God took the time to send Jesus to DIE for my imperfections....HE must think I'm worth something ;)!!!
Having children (small too) makes us feel tired and inadequate BUT as long as you do what is important at the moment (feed them weather it be bought or cooked yourself) at least no one went hungry (or...so you can't braid your daughter's pretty hair atleast you pulled it from her eyes!).
btw I love photos! I have video's too! I try my best to keep organized and now I love my phone photos! Maybe one day, when the kids are grown I can do more organizing, until then...shoot away! 🙂
You know, the older I get, the more I see the whole perfection thing as a desperate cry for validation. I try to be kind when reading those sorts of blogs, but when it veers off into "everybody needs to be exactly like me because I'm so perfect" territory... well, I usually unsubscribe.
But I also think that on some level we're all complicit in the inadequacy game, because pursuit of perfection is something that we in this society use to avoid dealing with our feelings. I mean, it's just sooo much easier to beat yourself up about your housecleaning, or spend hours counting every article of clothing, or focusing on whatever your shortcoming du jour may be, than it is to deal with all of the uncomfortable emotions that we somehow don't think we ought to have... you know, the ones that bubble to the surface when we're not busy distracting ourselves with something else.
So whenever I start to feel like I'm just not good enough, I try to stop and ask myself "What am I running away from right now?" Generally it doesn't take too long to realize that my feelings of inadequacy are conveniently cropping up when there's something else going on inside. And if I can make myself spend some time feeling and dealing with that something else... uncomfortable as it might be, I usually find that I feel a lot better. That's my take anyhow.
Those are good insights! I agree that finding the real reason for the feelings is a huge shortcut to feeling better, or at least to moving on towards real growth.
I have been dealing with unusually frequent migraines for the past two months to the point where going to work and making dinner most nights are feeling like accomplishments lately. I had a rare mostly migraine free weekend and was feeling guilty about not getting my house cleaned up. Then I realized I was being silly. I can clean the house eventually. For now I am going to focus on enjoying my time that I am actually feeling good.
I've never had headaches, but during the really awful months of my pregnancies, my life was like that. Getting us fed and getting through my paid work (teaching piano at the time) was all that I could do, and I couldn't even get that done some days.
Enjoy the good days, and I hope there are more of them in your future!
A wise friend once called scrapbooking the guilt hobby because you always know exactly how far behind you are. (I last scrapbooked so long ago - 2006 - that I actually cut up photos with a paper cutter! I am 8 years behind!) Few other hobbies have a built in timeline like that, which is what induces the guilt.
That is so true, isn't it? A neglected quilt project doesn't have a date on it!
This is why I adore you and your blog and have happily followed you for years. I live a vastly different life than you but have learned soooo much from you and absolutely adore your non-judgy ways ☺☺☺ I feel inadequate ALL.THE.TIME (busy job outside the home and 3 little kids at home) so I have no answers for how I handle it other than put my family first as much as i can one, put one foot in front of the other , pray for guidance and maybe eat too much junk food at times ☺thanks for encouraging everyone to be a little more kind to themselves.
You know, I am always just so, so encouraged to hear that people with lives vastly different from my own still find my blog to be helpful and enjoyable. Really, it just makes my day! I want so much for my blog to be welcoming to people who aren't just cookie cutters of me, and I'm delighted that's the case for you.
Your recent post on photobooks inspired me to make collages on Picasa. Thank you for writing about it!!!! We LOVE photos around here. I love taking them. I love sharing them with the relatives. Photobooks are much nicer than the huge albums I have!
I have my own blog (I've paid several hundred dollars for it), and it has ZERO posts on it. I want to be a blogger. I'm not.
(I did write a book last year...it's the same length at the first Harry Potter book.)
Anywho, I'd like to write a blog post about how using Picasas collages has changed my photobooking, but I'm not going to get around to it. I download our pictures and make a picasa collage in size 8 X 10, landscape. I save it and when I make my My Publisher book, I just have to move the collage file into it. Takes 5 minutes to make the photo book because I've quickly and easily made the collages in Picasa!
The photos should have some margin on them or it's necessary create larger borders on the collage because a tiny bit will be cut off when it's put into the book. Creating larger borders is simple on Picasa!
Thank you for sharing your gifts!
Amen and well said! You are one of the few blogs I do look at, bc most others make me feel inadequate or are too snarky for me. Thanks for being real and yet positive at the same time!!
Kristen, thank you so much for articulating how we in all our diverse talents are exactly who we need to be, and how we get to support and admire those who are different than us in their special skills. The world could use more of this kind of encouragement of diversity--thanks for setting a thoughtful example. You are an inspiration!
I personally am well aware of the many things I'm not so great at, but I'd put in a plug for delegating/outsourcing here. My husband enjoys making our photo books, but we've found that the sorting technology Shutterfly has for auto-assembling is pretty good. I'm excited about ordering my first scrapbook from the Papercraft Lab this spring. Just because I am not good at creating beautiful photo books or scrapbooks doesn't mean I can't have them in my life, anymore than the fact that I don't know how to milk a cow would mean I can't have cheese. No (wo)man is an island.
Thank you for the honest post Kristen! As a new stay-at-home Mom, the influences of social media and Pinterest can be overwhelming. This is my first baby, and I'd like to have a big family, so I'm trying to cut out the unnecessary from the get go. You are such an encouragement to us young Moms!
@Brittany, Best wishes to you and your new family!
Unlike what you may be reading, babies look fine no matter what they wear. All they need are sleepers and onesies.
What a wonderful post!
From one imperfect woman to another.
Mwah!
Just to join the chorus of those with very different lives who enjoy your blog. I'm Canadian and live in Central America, not only do I work full-time in a demanding job, my husband stays at home with our 3 kids and I travel at least once (and next month thrice) a month for work to 5 different countries and check in on your blog almost regularly even if I'm in say, Haiti (true story!).
I have been reading for years now and really enjoy your approach to life. I think that your blog is centred around values not things and that is what brings people from different outwards lives to it, because there is a sharing of values. And we can be all sorts of people and still all aim to live our life with the similar values like family togetherness and reducing waste/making do.
I've also gotten some great ideas, like doing a photobook. I put one together before our annual trip home and it was a hit! people loved seeing photos of our time away.
So yep, I don't have time to bake bread (though I used to!) but over the last 3 days I've put together two Halloween costumes very quickly and creatively, including sewing! So, celebrate my wins and enjoy looking at others' projects.
"I think we mentally take 30 women with various skills, mentally compress them into one woman, and then hold her up as our exhausting and impossible standard."
Oh my gosh, it sounds so dumb but I really truly never thought about it like this before!! I see people on the internet doing these amazing home renovations while working full-time and raising tiny children and I'm like, well, we've been sitting on folding chairs for the last four months, because I started stripping the paint off our dining room chairs and never finished so they're still sitting on our back porch... and I don't even have kids... I'M A COMPLETE FAILURE what have I been doing with all my time?!?!? But then I remember that maybe they aren't cooking somewhat elaborate dinners every night and training for a marathon and trying to train a puppy and attempting (failing) to learn to grow vegetables and having a social life. Whew. Like, blogs are specifically ABOUT the things people are really interested in and do well. Duh.
One of the things I actually LOVE about your blog is that you really are interested in/post about a wide variety of things (cooking, baking, painting furniture, things you like to wear, photography...) but you're not trying to be the be-all, end-all of any one thing, if that makes sense. Like, I feel like you do a great job of showing how you balance the things you really care about with letting other things that aren't as important to you slide. Katy at NCA is like this too. Much more realistic, and less likely to make me feel totally inadequate 🙂
With regard to your last question... I don't really have a good way of dealing with it, as this is something I struggle HARD with. Looking forward to seeing what other people say!
Thank you for bringing up this subject in an encouraging way. I am way too sensitive in this area. I have had to cut down on the amount of blogs that I read as a result. With certain blogs I found myself questioning why I don't dress better/cook better/decorate better, etc. My new rule concerning blogs that I read is if I feel good after I read it it stays; if it make me feel consistently inadequate I have to unsubscribe. I don't feel that the writers of these blogs have any intention of making me feel inadequate. This is just my knee jerk reaction.
I have also dumped Pinterest for my sanity's sake. I don't think Pinterest is evil. I think it's how you use it. Some people use it in a healthy way and do all sorts of wonderful things that improve their lives.I don't know how to do that. I get discontented with what I do have and greedy for the things I don't. And guilty for what I don't do.
All that being said there are a few blogs that I love that leave me feeling good after I leave, this one included.
Two of my favorite that inspire me but don't big me down are:
thegardenerscottage.blogspot.com
Janet talks about simple living, gardening, simple style in a very down to earth, make the best of what you have kind of way.
And assortmentblog.com which focuses on the same sort of subjects.
While I realize that everyone reacts differently to different blogs I'm interested if anyone has any recommendations for blogs along that same vein. Thanks in advance.
Thank you for the great perspective and good advice. Whenever I feel myself wondering how other moms "seem" so put together I remind myself that "something's gotta give" and more than likely I'm not seeing what it being given up for the perceived perfection that I see.
I love the grace in this post, Kristen! I wrote a post a few months back about how we need grace, not perfection that addressed some of these same issues. I love your analogy of 30 different women all packed into one perfect woman. We are so good at that! I used to feel very frustrated with myself because I couldn't manage to have a ministry and a perfectly kept home and homeschool my kids, be a blogger, and a perfect wife, and cook from scratch, and garden, etc. I then realized that there was no way I could do everything, but I needed to focus on the most important. As a side note, I used to love scrapbooking, but haven't done it in years. It's not that it isn't important to me, but I have chosen other things. It's all a matter of perspective and priority. Thanks for sharing your perspective with us! We need to learn to celebrate the successes and joys of each other without comparing and feeling inadequate. Thanks for the reminder.
Beautiful! I do take pictures (because it's fun) and I scrapbook because we like to reflect (and it gives me a reason once a yr to go on a 'retreat' that has some purpose). I don't Bento but love the inspiration for my home made lunches 🙂 Thank you; this blog is a delight and helps feed my soul!
No profound insight to add, just a fellow blogger and mom who completely relates and is extremely thankful you wrote this post 🙂
Amen! This has been the biggest struggle I have had since I became a mom, almost 14 years ago. HIS POWER is made perfect in our weakness, yet we all hate our weakness'
Thank you for addressing this.
I love this. You're exactly right. When we're feeling critical, it's often because inside, we're feeling inadequate. All of these pursuits can be great if it's what one chooses to pursue.
(Although I must confess I nearly peed myself laughing at the Mario lunch. Clearly... not my thing. But I've resolved to give kind words of encouragement if I encounter said Mario-face-making-lunch Mom.)
I do, however, feel inadequate about the photo books simply because I know my son needs them. He has one from India that he LOVES to look at, and it really is my job to photo book the rest of his story so he can make sense of it all. For most moms, photobooking or not, generally not a big deal.
And there again, even if we're just "ok" at something, if it blesses those around us, we should do it with gusto 🙂
Such a true note!
In the 70s and 80s, you'd find home encyclopedias in many houses. One volume would be childcare, one on cooking, one for cleaning and so forth, ranging from gardening and cleaning and do it yourself through relationship with your spouse, first aid, making and mending clothes, and styling your home. These book series went out of fashion I think or else I do not mix with people who want to have them. They were gifted to or bought by marrying couples, but the books were really aimed at the wives. As home makers, they should be aware of and proficient in all these areas. I do not remember any volume on financial health or bookkeeping by the way!
Although rationally I am fine with focusing on my strengths and just accepting the areas that are not, deep inside I feel that I should still be the ideal homemaker, partner and mom. It was not until menopauze when I struggled badly with bad sleep and lower energy levels, that I really thought over and agreed with myself which areas I would primarily focus on. This has also led to my husband and sons doing more around the house because in all honesty they lived like princes. Menopauze was hard years for them as well as myself ha!
Simple: I just loathe myself for not being perfect.
My house isn't clean: because I suck.
I caught an unflattering image of myself on my laptop screen: because I suck
I'm behind on everything: because I suck
I'm not frugal: because I suck.
See, it's easy!
I know it's ridiculous to expect myself to be perfect and I don't expect it of anyone else. I wouldn't dream of criticizing anyone else for not having the perfect jawline or spotless house.
On the other hand, being demanding and ambitious got me this far, so in a way it's OK. I don't want to come in second place--I want to win.
Aww, Rose. I wish I could give you a hug because, gosh, it sounds really tough to have such a demanding inner critic.
I do love that you can see how your ambition has served you well, though!
I just realized that I don't tend to follow blogs that show "perfect" women doing "perfect" things. I follow blogs of women I think I could be friends with in real life. Woman with similar values, who have a good sense of humor and who are beautiful inside and out. Yes, I appreciate their talents (like Kristen's photography, cooking and frugal expertise) and even find inspiration in them. BUT, I also appreciate their less than perfect side (takeout for dinner is OKAY sometimes), their humility, their sense of humor and even their beauty that is found in their lack of perfection. So, no big suprise, this is one of two blogs I've consistently followed for well over 10 years.
For some reason, I have never really compared myself to other women/mamas. I think it was simply because we had different situations - she only had one child, I have three, she has a housekeeper, I don't, etc... I tried to realize that everyone has their own bugaboos, so to speak. Dh used to be jealous of other people's houses until one he really coveted was foreclosed on and out friends moved into a small apartment.
Right now, I'm having trouble because I have always just been a mama and a housewife. One child won't speak to me or acknowledge me in any way, one has just admitted to having mental health struggles and we can't afford the care he needs and the third is so quiet and independent that I worry I'm missing something as I did with #2. They are all over 21, but the youngest two still live at home, so I'm balancing that line.
I feel worthless most of the time, but still cook dinner every night, do the laundry and the other stuff that I feel is on my report card because I don't want to BE a failure when I can at least do those things. I haven't been joyful in quite a while and don't even know what that looks like anymore.
For those of you who do compare yourself to that lady down the street or a chef on TV of even your own family members, just realize that they have a different circumstance than you do and whatever you are doing is probably better than theirs in some way.
@Jennifer, I only have young kids, but I feel your pain in this post. I’m sorry that you’re going through such a difficult time in your parenting. Please know that you and your work—however mundane—matter. I’ll be thinking about you.
Oh Jennifer, that is so hard. Big hugs to you. People often talk about how hard it is to parent little kids (and it is hard, in its own way!), but my goodness, parenting older children is a challenge and a half, and it seems like that is rarely talked about.
Anyway...as I have discovered in talking to other moms of adult children, there are a lot of us in rocky places, and knowing that helps to normalize it a little bit.
@Jennifer, I am so very sorry to read of your depression and Very Glad you recognize it and wrote about it. You know there is something wrong, and that things should and can be better for you than they are. I am writing as gently and firmly as I can, and I am not a health care professional.
By writing "Just" a mama and housewife in the second paragraph, you compared yourself to every other life circumstance or career and announced you believe you are lacking. That isn't what you wrote in the first paragraph. You are not a failure!
That you are holding together your homemaking routines is absolutely commendable and crucial, and more than many people could do in your situation. I don't know that I could.
As for any health issues, depression might run in families. Please google search for "free mental health care resources" and see what you find for your son and yourself! The Penny Hoarder website has posted articles on this topic, and I am sure many more exist. If your son is in college, check out his school counseling center for either assistance or referrals. If he has an official diagnosis and you can't follow up on treatment, ask them what they suggest. Ask your pastor or spiritual advisor if you have one for referrals. You are not alone.
I don't relate to any of this. I am pretty strong in who I am as a mom and wife and women, and I don't really care what other moms/wifes/women do, to be honnest. I am grateful to feel this way most of the time. I also avoid most social media such as facebook, Instagram, etc, who is the worst (people picturing a perfect life.... yeah, yeah, sure!). For example, my MIL is very neat, and I am not. She was over at our house this weekend and we were able to joke about it, without me feeling insulted. I KNOW I'm not a neat person, so why try to compete with someone who is?? I CHOOSE where I spend my energy and cleaning more than a regular amount is not where I do. On the flip side, my daughter is dealing with mental health issue, and her son is dealing with it too. She does not do much expect let him talk about it. Me? I'm super-proactive, already in talks with a doctor, psychologist, etc. So, see, my strenght is there. Is she a worse mom for it? Absolutly not! I don't really ''get'' this thing about women in general actually, this need to be ''all that'', to show off how amazing we are at all things, to show other women (because it`s always about the other women, let's be real) how fantastic our life is.... WHY? I'm a very '''real''' person, what you see is what you get, flaws and all, and I'm HAPPY to be showing this to my daughters, so that maybe (just maybe!) they will grow up understanding that they don't have to please and get validation from anyone else than themselves. And that they are perfect as it is, flaws (which I call ''challenges'') and all!
Well, I think this is a rare and healthy attitude. Good for you!
Not everyone who places high demands on themselves does so to impress other people.
This feels very timely as I'm reading "His Needs, Her Needs". The domestic support section is daunting. We've got 5 kids at home right now, 4 under 7 years old and one teen. The two old enough to be in school are homeschooled. It is encouraging to take in the message of you can't be good at everything. Thank you. 🙂
Hugs to you. I have not read His Needs, Her Needs, so take this with a grain of salt: Mr. FG and I found that a lot of well-meaning Christian marriage books had advice that was super unhelpful and unnecessarily gendered (for example, they seem to think the 1 Corinthians 7 passage applies to only one spouse, not to both!). So, if the advice in His Needs, Her Needs is of that sort, chew up the meat and spit out the bones. If it feels like someone's tying a heavy load on your shoulders that you can't carry, it's probably not good advice.
I so needed to hear this. I am always feeling like I need to be perfect at everything but I need to keep reminding myself what you just wrote, very beautifully written.
This post is so fascinating... I don't think about ANY of the things you describe particularly as "talents," or not doing them as "shortcomings," and it fascinates me that a corner of the universe thinks of things like ordering takeout or having a child with a messy bedroom as a "failure" or "weakness." I am so sorry you guys tie yourselves in knots of self loathing over this!
FG as a side note, I know your primary readership is mostly women, but I'd encourage you think beyond strictly domestic spheres of expertise. There are lots of things women can be good at that have nothing to do with babies or housework. I recognize that I am not your target audience, but as someone with many talents outside the domestic sphere your post made me feel minimized and unseen. Don't worry, I won't be back. 🙂
I'm so sorry to hear that you felt minimized and unseen when you read my post, and I appreciate the feedback.
As this is your first comment, I'm guessing you are not a regular reader. So you probably don't know my whole story, but just in case you do come back to check: I'm currently back in college, working on prerequisite classes so I can get my RN, so I definitely do think that women can be good at things outside of babies and housework. Once I get my degree, I hope to spend many years helping patients and their families. One of my girls is currently in school to be an aviation mechanic, and I'm super proud of her for that; there are many ways to make a difference in the world, and those ways do not all happen at home.
And I'm not worried; not every blog is for every person, and it's up to you to decide whether mine is or isn't for you. 🙂