On growing an accurate self-image

As I type this, I am unsettled about where I will publish it. I’m gonna see what comes out and then decide if it’s appropriate for my main blog or my Patreon. 

I want to put it on my main blog because it is about the wonderful word art that came from readers here, but we shall see how personal it gets.

Ok, so, in the last three years since I left my marriage, it feels like I’ve been in a process of realizing that there really isn’t anything wrong with me. 

When I was married, I felt like I was in some kind of deficit…that there was something wrong with me, my being, my body, my personality, my character, my priorities, and more. After so many years, I had deeply absorbed what was being told to me. 

And over these last three years, I have made progress in coming out of that.

I have often thought, with a sense of wonder, things like “Oh! There is nothing wrong with my body.” or, “Oh, I am not actually unusually selfish.” or a general, “Oh, I am ok as I am.”

But I realized the other day that really, all of this re-seeing of myself has just been a process of getting out of a deficit. My self-image has emerged from the deep hole, but most of the time, I am only at a ground level when it comes to how I perceive myself. 

And you can see this in the relieved language I use. 

I say variations of, “I am ok.” not, “I am ______ (insert anything positive).” 

(I am crying as I type this and I am not even sure what the tears mean. I think some of it is just feeling relief to not be deep in the hole anymore. Ground zero is a huge improvement over where I was.)

Obviously, the source of the old feedback no longer speaks into my life, but the healing has come from more than just that. 

As my world has expanded in the last three years, I have come into contact with so many more people than I used to. This means I have been exposed to some very new and different real-life feedback than I was getting before. 

 

 

This has been surprising in a delightful way because it is in such stark contrast to my shaky self-image. 

I can remember a time in 2022 when someone said something complimentary to me, and I literally responded with, “Are you sure?”

(This is kind of awkward to do. I don’t recommend it. Ha.)

And this is where the word art comes in. I look at this, through tears, and think, “Is it possible that these things are really true? Could it be?” 

Someone’s voice in my head says, “They only think these things because they don’t know you well enough. They don’t live with you.”

But my own voice in my head argues back, “No. This many people can’t be wrong. This much overlapping feedback is not likely to be off-base.” 

I showed a picture of the word art to my therapist, and of course, she loved it. She said, “Kristen, these are all affirmations.” I know this next part will sound a little woo-woo, but she suggested that I take one word at a time, here and there, and say it to myself in the mirror.

This does not sound difficult, but I feel a serious resistance inside of me, like I’m trying to push against beliefs so deeply ingrained that they don’t want to budge. 

But, I will try.

And maybe, bit by bit, I will get beyond this neutral, level-zero place I am at. Maybe I can accept just a tiny piece of this at a time.

I am a little bit brave.

I am a little bit fierce.

I am a little bit beautiful.

I am a little bit strong.

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I know this is really, really off-topic to publish this here on my main blog, but I wanted to put it here to say thank you to all of you for being a part of this…for offering kind and genuine feedback.

 

This is so meaningful to me; you are helping me heal in a real and tangible way, and I promise I will do my best to soak it in, even if it is slow. 🙂 
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I came across this picture of Lisey and me from 2017 and noticed a vague dullness in my eyes, even though I’m smiling.

Then I thought about this more recent one of the two of us. 

And I thought, ohhh, I am so much happier now. SO. MUCH. HAPPIER. 

If three years of freedom has done this to me, imagine how happy I will be in another three years. 😉 

P.S. I recognize that this disclaimer may be unnecessary, but I’m gonna include it anyway. My hope is not to puff myself up as I heal. I don’t want to think of myself more highly than I should. Rather, my hope is to get to a place of more realism, where how I see myself matches up more accurately with what is real and true. No more, no less. 🙂