On growing an accurate self-image
As I type this, I am unsettled about where I will publish it. I'm gonna see what comes out and then decide if it's appropriate for my main blog or my Patreon.
I want to put it on my main blog because it is about the wonderful word art that came from readers here, but we shall see how personal it gets.
Ok, so, in the last three years since I left my marriage, it feels like I've been in a process of realizing that there really isn't anything wrong with me.
When I was married, I felt like I was in some kind of deficit...that there was something wrong with me, my being, my body, my personality, my character, my priorities, and more. After so many years, I had deeply absorbed what was being told to me.
And over these last three years, I have made progress in coming out of that.
I have often thought, with a sense of wonder, things like "Oh! There is nothing wrong with my body." or, "Oh, I am not actually unusually selfish." or a general, "Oh, I am ok as I am."
But I realized the other day that really, all of this re-seeing of myself has just been a process of getting out of a deficit. My self-image has emerged from the deep hole, but most of the time, I am only at a ground level when it comes to how I perceive myself.
And you can see this in the relieved language I use.
I say variations of, "I am ok." not, "I am ______ (insert anything positive)."
(I am crying as I type this and I am not even sure what the tears mean. I think some of it is just feeling relief to not be deep in the hole anymore. Ground zero is a huge improvement over where I was.)
Obviously, the source of the old feedback no longer speaks into my life, but the healing has come from more than just that.
As my world has expanded in the last three years, I have come into contact with so many more people than I used to. This means I have been exposed to some very new and different real-life feedback than I was getting before.
This has been surprising in a delightful way because it is in such stark contrast to my shaky self-image.
I can remember a time in 2022 when someone said something complimentary to me, and I literally responded with, "Are you sure?"
(This is kind of awkward to do. I don't recommend it. Ha.)
And this is where the word art comes in. I look at this, through tears, and think, "Is it possible that these things are really true? Could it be?"
Someone's voice in my head says, "They only think these things because they don't know you well enough. They don't live with you."
But my own voice in my head argues back, "No. This many people can't be wrong. This much overlapping feedback is not likely to be off-base."
I showed a picture of the word art to my therapist, and of course, she loved it. She said, "Kristen, these are all affirmations." I know this next part will sound a little woo-woo, but she suggested that I take one word at a time, here and there, and say it to myself in the mirror.
This does not sound difficult, but I feel a serious resistance inside of me, like I'm trying to push against beliefs so deeply ingrained that they don't want to budge.
But, I will try.
And maybe, bit by bit, I will get beyond this neutral, level-zero place I am at. Maybe I can accept just a tiny piece of this at a time.
I am a little bit brave.
I am a little bit fierce.
I am a little bit beautiful.
I am a little bit strong.
__________________________
I know this is really, really off-topic to publish this here on my main blog, but I wanted to put it here to say thank you to all of you for being a part of this...for offering kind and genuine feedback.
This is so meaningful to me; you are helping me heal in a real and tangible way, and I promise I will do my best to soak it in, even if it is slow. 🙂
__________________________
I came across this picture of Lisey and me from 2017 and noticed a vague dullness in my eyes, even though I'm smiling.
Then I thought about this more recent one of the two of us.
And I thought, ohhh, I am so much happier now. SO. MUCH. HAPPIER.
If three years of freedom has done this to me, imagine how happy I will be in another three years. 😉
P.S. I recognize that this disclaimer may be unnecessary, but I'm gonna include it anyway. My hope is not to puff myself up as I heal. I don't want to think of myself more highly than I should. Rather, my hope is to get to a place of more realism, where how I see myself matches up more accurately with what is real and true. No more, no less. 🙂
Some thoughts, in no particular order:
As we grow up, we carry our ages with us. This is a good thing in many ways, but a hard part is that we also carry the feedback given to us in younger years (which is going to be even harder if we were given consistent cruel and unfair feedback). I was once told that we have to take care of our younger selves as those parts receive the triggers; it sounds a little corny but it helps us move past it. And helps us grow into a wiser, adult self. Like that part in Inside Out where sadness brings joy!
In what is probably partly Protestant/Puritan tradition, acknowledging our strengths or skills can come across as arrogant, or we fear it will, so we downplay it. This is especially true for women. I would argue that there's a difference between someone walking around and bragging and thinking they're perfect, and someone who knows they have flaws but that does not negate the goodness they have and how it can help others (as a sidenote, I think there are issues with women being expected to always help others, but generally, I think helping others is great!) There's a balance - every strength is a weakness but every weakness is a strength. I mean, I couldn't be a nurse or anyone in the medical field, but that's okay - I have strengths in other areas and can help people in other ways. It's about knowing yourself and how to use those strengths to be the best version of yourself. I think everyone here would agree that you are the latter type of person!
I spent some miserable years working in retail and a 'skill' I got from that is seeing the difference between a customer service smile and a real smile. I say it's a skill, because I didn't actually pick up on it at the time, but now I can totally see the difference between the smiles - a customer service smile, or smile for pictures, often doesn't reach to the eyes.
Finally, to link back to the initial part of my comment (or perhaps essay lol), there are so many things we can be, or have the possibility to be, and it takes work to undo messages we receive in the past. As a personal example, at school, I was told I was unathletic and very bad at maths. Those things weren't necessarily untrue - I did struggle in those areas - but it left me with the message that there was no point in me trying, because I couldn't accomplish those things. During my master's, I had to take a course in data and I passed it. I wanted to feel more comfortable with exercise so I did couch to 5k and joined a gym, and as an extra step, I got a personal trainer, so I would learn what to do and master it alone. Just because I wasn't automatically good at those things it doesn't mean I couldn't do them (and although I said I couldn't be a nurse, I think I have the potential to learn the information...I just would hate the job!) My point is that you have come into that potential, and should be so proud of yourself, yet it is natural to still be stumbling over those fears. But they are only fears, and you have come so far, and have so many possibilities to achieve.
@Sophie in Denmark, I love every. single. word. of this. Thank you.
@JDinNM, And your "retail experience" comment reminded me of the time I was interviewing applicants for an office receptionist position. I knew I found the perfect candidate when I asked this sunny, smiling young woman what her favorite previous job was and she said "Working at Toys 'R' Us during the Christmas holidays!" Wow. If she could handle THAT?!!!! And ENJOY it? I hired her on the spot.
@Sophie in Denmark,
I had that experience right after my husband died.
Had a neighbor splitting some firewood for me and I brought him out a cup of coffee.
We were chatting while he cleaned up and said something that I laughed at,he looked me straight in the face and said that smile doesn't reach your eyes.
Stayed with me a long time,I really think we don't want to " burden" people with our troubles,so we smile but it's just a reflex.
Yes; our faces tell the story of our sadness, even when we are trying to smile.
@JDinNM, Thank YOU!
@Sophie in Denmark, Such an important thing: the triggers of early childhood. Thanks for pointing this out, and all of your well-thought-out points.
@Sophie in Denmark, Beautifully said, Sophie. Thank you.
I'm copying this to keep as a reminder. (If you aren't a therapist, you'd make a fabulous one. This is the kind of helpful commentary we all could use.)
Oh yes, yes, to that first paragraph especially. Have you ever read about the Internal Family Systems theory? The idea is basically that yes, our little past selves do hang around with us as we go through life, and sometimes they pop up and need tending to, so they can sit down and let our adult self run our lives.
@Irena, What a compliment! Thank you.
@Kristen, I have heard a little about it!
@Sophie in Denmark, I second Irena's idea of you as a super therapist, as well as a good friend.
@ErikaJS, I'm not a therapist but I like to think of myself as a good friend!
@Kristen, I'm reading a book about IFS theory now. It's fascinating.
@Sophie in Denmark, this made me tear up! Thank you for such a thoughtful response. "They are only fears", love this.
@Elizabeth, Oh, thank you! I'm constantly reminding myself of the fears thing.
@Sophie in Denmark, So much insightful truth here! I’m old now and still hear in my head the labels slapped on me from my childhood! AND my sister’s too! So much is internalized and embraced as unalterable traits. One’s whole life is a constant readjustment to what is actually true vs what has been planted. It doesn’t seem there’s ever an arrival point of completion. I suppose, lol, I’m agreeing, we carry all our ages with us!
@Sophie in Denmark,
Wow, you wrote so many things that came immediately to my mind when reading Kristen's post. My parents were never very liberal with compliments, in fact, there was typically more criticism than compliments, including when my mom and I were shopping for my wedding dress, and my mom said something like "well, we can immediately rule out any sheath dress styles" (I was, and still am, plus sized, and curvy). She didn't say or mean it in a nice way. Having said that, she was/is a firm believer in diet culture, so you could only be beautiful in her eyes if you were thin. (Insert eye roll).
On the other hand, the best compliment my husband ever gave me was that he never realized how strong I was, until he saw me helping out with my beloved mother in law in the last year of her life. Hubby had previously thought he had to "be strong FOR me", but realized I could manage whatever life threw at me. It has taken me years to undo the negativity from my childhood, and it's an ongoing project. I was taught "better not to try something new, because you might fail"; sorry, nope, trying new things is the spice of life! If I fail, okay, it's on to the next thing. 🙂
@Liz B., Exactly! And often failing is part of the learning process!
Kristen, you are on a journey which you have allowed us to view from a far.
You are doing great!
What shines through from your posts is that you are humble, grateful and sensitive to the feeling of those around you (even if they don't deserve it!). Beyond getting a personality transplant I cannot envision you as a "big-headed, how wonderful am I" type of person.
I do not read many blog, but yours is the first one I check everyday; not every article is relevant to me but I love reading them all and am trying to be a bit more grateful in my own life.
That is such a lovely compliment; that you read posts even when they aren't relevant to you. 🙂
@Kristen, I bet there are many of us who do that…every day!
Kristen, you are not "a little bit" of any of those adjectives in your word art; you are "a lot" of all of them. All of your supporters are waiting for you, reaching out to pull you forward to the real truth. Waiting not at the finish line, because there is no end to personal growth, but waiting just steps down the road - remaining close enough to allow our encouragement to be heard, but still in front of you to lead the way. The journey now may seem slow, but your momentum is building, even though you may not see that yet. We do, and our faith in you and your journey will support you as we wait for you to catch up with what we know to be the real truth - you are, in fact, all of those adjectives and so much more. I wish that you could see that now, and I believe in my heart that one day you will.
@Mary ~ Reflections Around the Campfire,
I love your analogy of supportive encouragers always being just steps ahead waiting all along the road.
@Mary ~ Reflections Around the Campfire,
OMG this gave me chills. it is exactly what I was thinking. Oh and I enjoy your blog. 🙂
Aw, thank you, Joyce!
What a wonderful post, Kristen. So much self reflection!
For what it is worth - to me you are way above Ground Zero!!!!
To me you made the transition from an enclosed caterpillar to a beautiful and strong butterfly.
You said it yourself - you let your world expand and while doing so you encountered so many different characters and their stories and you met/recognised your true self! And all this with constant friendliness and in the most humble manner.
Not sure whether my English is good enough. It feels a little bit clumsy to me. Sorry for that!
@Lea, perfect! Not clumsy at all! Beautifully said.
Oh, no not at all clumsy! And thank you. <3
I am not shocked by this post. Your life slowed down in speed and *pressure* overnight! Once the speed of the spinning top has slowed old thoughts and doubts had time to creep in and question everything you have done, everything you have accomplished.. and that is not surprising. Think of how many years you were deep in the hole versus how many years and *landings* you have had climbing out of the hole.
You have accomplished SO FREAKING MUCH! And you have so much to be proud of.
You managed to leave an unsafe situation for the last time.
You initially stayed with your parents..
Many people in your situation end up in this type of situation for years... But you got into a safe rental situation and established a home for you and your children.
You used your creativity and resourcefulness to pull together items to make it a comfortable and enjoyable place.
You worked your blog/blogs to sustainable living, you started COLLEGE...You TUTORED kids in your college classes!!(Do not underestimate these facts b/c as a homeschooled 80/90's kid in a fundie life education was not always career focused)
You added hospital work part time to gain patient hours,
you filed for and fought for your worth in a divorce.
You encouraged your baby girls to stretch their wings and continue their education and move to where they need to be for their personal growth.
You are strong- physically and emotionally
You are determined and goal focused
You are intellectual and kind
You are beautiful and poised
You are gentle and wise
You are worthy of all the amazing things that have fallen into your path and of all the amazing things that you have worked your toosh off for!
@jes, yes!!
Thank you, Jes, thank you. <3
They can be true, and they are.
Some thoughts Kristin - just random and brief, because this is only a blog response and also I am finding words in a language not my first - used more frequently for business than for feelings:
In the 2017 picture you are guarded. The recent picture shows you when you are relaxed and at ease. I would guess that your beautiful qualities have largely lain dormant while you were treading so cautiously - not that they were not there (they were!) but they have become our more outspoken now that you can speak up, and speak out. You can develop them freely.
Also, self knowledge is something that grows over the years. It is the fruit of experience, and sadly also of dealing with loss and grief.
I think that this is beautifully said. And yes, I spent so many years walking on eggshells, treading cautiously. Now, I am free!
@Kristen, My word. As I read this and all you have written, I feel like you were a prisoner, of sorts. And that situation is so hard to break out of, to carry the analogy further. You did it, against all odds. Just thinking about the odds gives me chills and ratchets up my regard for your perseverance even more.
Funny enough, last night in my group text with a couple of friends with similar stories, I actually said, "I feel like I got out of jail!"
So you are not off the mark at all. 🙂
Thank you for sharing yourself and your journey, Kristen.
I've been on a journey too - but from a rough childhood that is still with me these many years later. I really appreciate the feelings you have expressed - mine are similar.
Just last week I was challenged to think of my strengths and how they apply to myself and something I'm doing. The exercise was so difficult. It felt like bragging, to the extent I could even identify strengths. And that's so crazy. We ALL have strengths.
Thank you for your encouragement that we name them and claim them and use them.
So thankful that we as readers can be part of offering back a reflection for you - a beautiful reflection- of who you truly are. I love the therapist's idea!!
@PD, you've said it better than I could. I second these emotions!
Good for you! You are doing a great job making a life. I think as women, we have the tendency to absorb the negative slung at us and take it to heart. I have a good marriage but like all couples, we have our moments and I find I brood much more over unkind words said in the heat of the moment than my husband who lets it roll right off his back. I wonder why that is? I know people like me, that they think I'm funny and kind but that inner monolog can make it hard to believe. You have accomplished so much and more to come.
I don't know how it is for everyone else, of course, but I think for me this was compounded by the Christian marriage teaching that since your husband is your leader, he is a major player in your sanctification process, God will speak to you through him, and your job is to humbly accept his correction.
Sometimes I would like to scream at the people who teach this, something like, "LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!" This teaching might not be harmful if the husband is a kind and gentle person, but also, not every husband is kind and gentle, and this teaching puts women in an extremely vulnerable position, essentially serving them up for wounding.
However, I know that the people who teach this will likely not listen to me, so that's a waste of my energy. Instead, my hope is that my words will reach someone else in my position, so they can hear me say, "Your husband is objectively just a man. He is just a person. He is not smarter than you, wiser than you, and does not have a tighter connection to God than you do, just because he is a man. If he is thinking/acting/speaking in a way that is wrong and hurtful, and he will not listen to feedback about it, he is a fool, and Proverbs says to stay away from someone who is a fool."
YES to all of that!
@Kristen, so well put and so true.
@Kristen, for what it’s worth, I grew up in a Christian home as did my husband, and neither of us were ever taught such a marriage doctrine nor did we ever consider incorporating it into our own marriage. I realize that you were surrounded by – immersed in - such teaching. But from my perspective and that of many others, “complementarianism” is taught by a very small subset of Christianity and not a healthy one.
Even Laura Ingalls Wilder refused to say the word “obey” in her marriage vows, and her husband supported her in that.
Haha, yes, I do remember her taking that word out, and now I cheer her on. Love the spunk!
It is so interesting to imagine that complementarianism is actually rather niche; it's the water I've been swimming in my whole life, so to me it has seemed like the only thing out there.
@Kristen, It always seemed a little contradictory that Laura said she didn't want the vote. But I was very happy that she refused to obey!
I recently read something very disturbing about people who argue for 'headship voting'. It's disturbing in general how so many people seem to want to turn back the clock on women's rights!
@Meg in SoTX, I would say I profess complementarianism, but in my sphere, I have never heard the things that Kristen is relating. I guess there are different flavors of complementarianism?
@Jody S., I’m no expert because that’s not what my church teaches and frankly, I would run far far away from any church that did teach that. But I think that what Kristen describes is the logical culmination of teaching that men and women have different roles and that wives must submit to their husbands (an idea that did not come from Jesus at all). If there is a kinder and gentler version, my guess is that it is related to personalities more than theology. But I don’t know.
Not just a little. A lot brave. A lot beautiful. What if you didn’t worry about puffing yourself up? What if you realized there is no way that you will think more highly of yourself than you should. How does you not shining your light as bright as you can serve the world?
You are wonderful.
I read your comment this morning while I was at the gym, and it brought tears to my eyes. I feel like I have spent my whole life trying to be so careful to not to think more highly of myself than I should, and the idea of being free from the worry is almost hard to imagine.
@Colleen, WOW! What beautiful questions!
@Colleen, I write a little morning Substack called Good Notes and I'd love your permission to include what you wrote there if you happen to see this request. I think it would be helpful for a lot of people.
@Kristen,
If you have to dim your light to make people happy, they are not your people! Continue to Shine bright, you have worked so freaking hard & over come so much don't let anyone try to tell you to dumb yourself down for their comfort.
All the previous comments have summed it up so well. You are indeed blessed!
All your readers are so supportive. I agree you are all those words and more that we don't see. You are doing absolutely amazing
Reading this gave me chills. I hope you can internalize the "you" that I have seen presented to the world the past three years (and even all the years when you were beat down). You are beautiful in every way and have already touched so many lives in a positive way. There is so much more to come as you practice nursing, continue your blog, and expand your personal relationships. I hope your heart can be as full as possible as you have contributed to that for so many.
@K D,
Your blog is an example of the internet at it's best: a positive community.
@K D, Yes, beautiful response to a beautiful post by a beautiful person, our favorite frugal girl! Kristen, thank you for being who you are, and continuing to grow and share with us.
I think you're a delightful and kind person. Whoever said otherwise is a very unhappy person who wanted to take you down with him. I'm glad you're free now. You deserve to be happy.
I feel like this is such a self fulfilling thing. You say you are a little bit brave, you have always been brave but now you are braver than you were, and if you now believe you are brave you will get braver still. And so on.
As a mainly quiet but long time reader, it has been wonderful to see how you and your life has been rebuilt and blossomed over the last three years. Long may it continue for you, your girls and your loved ones.
You write so beautifully about this, and others' comments are so well-written and thought-provoking too. All I can say is: when the call went out for words for the word art, I sent back a substantial core list in approximately 18 seconds. I am not generally a fast writer; I have to take time and mull things over and it can take me a while to put words to what I'm thinking. But your character over time has been so consistent and authentic that this was EASY and just poured out. I consider that a fairly objective measurement of "how much" these characteristics are true of you!
This made me smile. Thank you. 🙂
@Suz,
I agree! This is simply who she is at her core. She’s kind and brilliant and brave and all the other words. Not a little bit either. The very definition of kind. The very definition of brilliant. The very definition of brave.
I am deeply grieved to hear she hasn’t known this the past 17+ years.
This is something someone close to me has been working on, too. Believing other people when they tell you how they see you seems so much easier when the feedback is negative, which is very sad. Believing the positive is harder, but doable. And when you can assess your ownself truly, both the positive and the not-so-positive, and still be at peace with yourself . . . well, that is the goal. Incredibly difficult, but the goal. I wish that for you.
Yes, this exactly; the hope is to see yourself as you really are.
I love the sparkle in your smile. There is most definitely a difference. In my quiet/Bible time this morning the verse that stood out to me was in 1 Corinthians: strive to excel in building up the church. How sad that many of us have been exposed to those who would cause us to question our worth in God’s sight. May we all work to be encouragers (not false flatterers or excusers but truly seeing others as valuable).
❤️
I always thought that in word cloud pictures like yours, words that are larger mean that more people contributed that idea to the word cloud. In your word cloud I see brave, kind, frugal, and smart.
In the first photo you are simply smiling for the camera. In the second photo your happiness is genuine, and shows in your eyes.
nothing you publish is ever off topic. this is your blog to do with as you see fit. thank you for being you.
@Anita Isaac, that's right!!
@Heather Mar,
Exactly Anita!
@Anita Isaac,
Hear hear!
@Anita Isaac, thank goodness Kristen is not afraid to post thought provoking topics.
Sometimes one of these topics make us stop and think about our lives and how these topics affect us.
So proud of you for this post!!! You are an amazing human and it makes me sad that your past made you think otherwise. Keep up all of your good happy positive work!!!
Lovely blog post today! It's been a delight to watch you grow!
We all contain multitudes, and we cannot always? often? ever? see in ourselves what others see in us. I am so thankful that this community made that word art for you, because you needed to hear what many of us see in you and hear from you.
Those words are why this blog community exists, not just because we want to stretch our dollars.
I love that. Saving money is important to us, of course, but it is true that our blog family here is more than just that.
I love that you are out of your hole and at least at Ground Zero. I caution you not to rely on the opinions of others, whether those opinions are positive or negative. You can consider those opinions, they are evidence. But they are not dispositive evidence. Know who you are even if the whole world hates you or even if the whole world loves you.
I work in a field where people are constantly wanting to tell me about myself. Some people tell me that I am amazing, their personal avenging angel. Some people tell me that I am an unethical and unpleasant (and full disclosure, how brainwashed am I by the patriarchy that “unpleasant” rankled more than “unethical”?) I may have read this analogy here, but this is like shopping for jeans. Three pairs may all fit perfectly on the same day, one is a size 0, the next is a 4, the third is a 6. Your body didn’t just fluctuate by 6 sizes in the time it took to change jeans. The jeans size tags just have a loose relationship with reality, much like the opinions of others.
Yes, this is a fair point; you cannot please everyone, so some people are just not going to like you because you are YOU.
I think what I'm finding helpful is to pay attention to feedback that I hear over and over and over. If almost everyone I meet says similar things about me, good or bad those things are quite likely to be true. But if just one random person here or there says something, I probably should give less weight to that opinion, good or bad.
@Kristen, I like the idea that you shouldn't take criticism from a source you wouldn't go to for advice 🙂
I dont know where I heard that but it helps me shake things off that dont have merit.
''They don't have to live with you'' No, that's right, no one does. Weirdly, the moment you did NOT want to live with the person who felt so certain in your complete worthlessness, that was not okay either. Strange. You'd think, would you not, that it would be a golden opportunity to get rid of this sub-optimal person, right? Right?
And yet. Here we are.
I think this is often the case in relationships with this dynamic; the person is unhappy with their spouse but also desperately wants to hang onto said spouse.
I don't think I will ever understand it; maybe it can't be understood. And funny enough, the Patreon post I wrote for this Wednesday is about something that made me conclude: this is impossible. There's no way to make it make sense. It is actually unsolvable, and realizing that is key to getting free.
I'm pretty sure we're the ones who should be thanking you.
You really have accomplished so much in these last 3 years. In order to do that you have been strong, determined, focused and so on. All those qualities that are on that poster board.I admire you and what you've done.
Kristen, I know exactly all the feelings you are talking about. I had a bad self image from school and then my first marriage confirmed that image. You are recovering much faster than I did. I am proud of you. Don't be fooled by the doubting voices in your head. They are not your friends.
This is what I try to remind myself of: I have made lots of progress in the last three years. But I can also be patient with myself because it probably takes more than three years to heal from a long period of hurt. I hope you are giving yourself grace too!
I've probably been reading your blog for 15 years...maybe more. It's the only one I still read and is part of my morning routine. I haven't commented too often over the years, although I really should because your comment section really does have the best people. What made me stay is being absolutely sure that the wonderful qualities that come through in your writing is who you genuinely are. I'm so glad you felt brave enough to post this on your main blog. You have done amazing things in the last 3 years and you are going to be a terrific nurse!
Aww, thank you for reading here for so long! I am touched.
I can’t even imagine so much internal thought analyzing yourself. It seems exhausting. Maybe it’s because you have to have content for your blog to keep your business going. Or does everybody do this? You seem to be the one hardest on yourself. Don’t most people tell someone being mean to shut up and quit being a pig? Hang out with Chiquita and Shelly. They will tell you exactly who you are. Their only ulterior motive would be maybe an extra chin rub or more kibble.
@Tiana, I think trauma sometimes causes lots of introspection. You try over and over to figure out what you could have done differently. And no, you don't say "shut up" to the person being mean if they are someone you love who is supposed to be your best supporter. You think "they wouldn't say something so hurtful unless they were trying to help me."
@Ava, I don’t believe that. Going over and over just relives and rekindles the hurt/pain because you can’t go back. And I have never thought someone said something mean to help me. That is beyond any logic.
I think you are making an error in generalizing your experience. Humans vary, and what they find helpful varies. You have found a path for yourself that works, and no one should begrudge you that.
What is also true is that others process things differently than you do. And there is a marked difference between processing something and wallowing in it. When I left my marriage, I had decades of unprocessed hurts to work through, and I dealt with them as they popped up. It is not going over and over an experience...it is going over a million experiences one time, letting them move through.
These episodes are so much less frequent now, which tells me I processed the memories through rather than wallowing. It was painful but productive.
Nothing in my healing process has been as exhausting as the life that led to me needing healing. Sometimes the healing process is hard and painful, but at least it is getting me somewhere. The life I led before was hard and painful and it was not even getting me anywhere.
I'm going to assume the best, which is that you didn't mean to be hurtful with your comment about content for my blog. But to be honest, that was kind of a rude thing to say to me.
I am processing my experience in a way that is right for me. It does not have to be right for you, and you do not have to read what I write, but to say, in essence, that me processing my trauma is an effort to produce content...it's insulting. And I would be on this healing journey, in this way, regardless of whether I wrote about it or not.
I choose to share, and you can choose not to read if it bothers you.
@Kristen, why is that hurtful? You have to have something to write about to keep this going. Not an easy task shown by so many blogs that end. Do you discuss your personal life with everyone you meet? Probably not. And look, you had no problem telling me to shut up and quit being a pig when you thought that’s what I was doing.
You have all the necessary faculties to enjoy your life. Just ask Chiquita.
Altho I did not in any way tell you to "shut up and quit being a pig", the fact that I am able to be direct about your choice of words is evidence of the fact that I have grown in these last few years.
Speaking of my growth, here is a boundary that does not require cooperation or agreement from you: over time, you have made it clear how you feel about me making money from my blog and I have politely responded multiple times. You are welcome to comment here, but I will no longer entertain commentary on that topic from you, and if you leave a comment discussing it, I will delete it.
@Tiana, No, not everyone tells someone to "shut up and quit being a pig"! In fact, it may surprise you to learn that at one time people, especially women, were taught to be tolerant, respectful, conciliatory and non-confrontational, among other things. Children were taught to be "seen and not heard." This was very common behavior in mid-century America, before the "women's liberation movement" of the 1960s & '70s. There are some people (especially some religions) who would like to return to this type of thinking and behavior. If you weren't raised during this time period or under similar circumstances, you'll never understand how living in such a society affects women. Be thankful you haven't experienced it and pray we don't make a full-fledged return to that kind of world! (even though some are trying to drag us back there.)
Hi Tiana, I'd encourage you to re-read your initial comment again, this time from Kristen's perspective. It does sound hurtful, and in the most ironic way. This very post is about hurtful words from others and how they can sting deeply, causing pain for years. Yet on the flipside, kind words can be healing and encouraging!! We all have past hurts, of course, and we all process them in our own ways- but let's be mindful to lift each other up!
@tiana, I’m great with you deleting anything. And yes you can say “shut up” in a very passive aggressive way it’s still shut up. I know I don’t give you thank yous and flattery but I thought this was a place to just be honest. I was wrong.
And why are you so supper sensitive over making money off your blog?
@tiana, if you are dealing with or going through many types of abuse, grief, mental health problems/illness, etc there are lots of thinks that seem to be beyond logic. It's like telling someone with depression to smile and get on with it. It doesn't work that way. If all this introspection is helping Kristen then she can do as much as she likes. If she wants to share it on her blog she can share as much as she likes.
@tiana, since when are emotions logical?
@Tiana, please just stop.
Thank you.
@Bobi, I think it would be fair to say that men were taught to behave like gentlemen also. Not all of them did so, but many (or most) of them did.
@Tiana, I expect the sensitivity comes from your accusation that Kristen is saying this *only* to make money. If that's what you think, then I can't imagine why you continue to read this blog.
@Kristen, mad props for how you handled this thread. Just gotta say. Grace, charm and courage.
@Molly F.C., WELL SAID.
Kristen, I am so sorry you had to endure being an "Underling" rather than a "Helpmeet" as God intended for marriage to be. I am thankful you were able to raise your children the best you could in that situation. I am thankful you are not only cheerfully frugal, but richly cheerful.
Ah yes...the negative voices stuck in our heads. I told my therapist that if my negative voices ever develop personalities we're going to be in real trouble! 🙂
Sometimes when my negative voice is telling me how I've done EVERYthing wrong, I say very politely "That's your opinion. I don't agree." and continue on with my day. It's not easy, but acknowledging the voice means it doesn't get louder and telling it matter-of-factly that I don't agree and mentally walking away seems to take some of the air out of it.
It's not easy to dig out of that hole - you're doing a great job! And I'm so very glad you have this wonderful community rooting for you!
I love this post. I love that you've given us a window into the many ways you are healing. I love that you are finally free. What you were told for so many years nothing more than projection. The words were never about you but they were forced upon you regardless.
I'm glad you're starting to believe what we've all known for years. You are whole and good and all the other things represented in your word art. I'd give you a big hug (again) if I could. <3
Kristen, I am very glad you published this here. So powerful and helpful. You are "a lot" of the words in the word art not "a little bit." I am a better person because of you. Deep thanks.
Oh, Kristen. I have been reading your blog since the kids were littles. It’s the only one I read on a daily basis. I know your journey has been hard, but you have been so strong and good throughout.
I know what it’s like to have those negative voices, both internal and external. It’s an ongoing process to filter them out, even after many years of practice! But even if they don’t go away entirely, they become much quieter and less frequent.
I love your writing, how the blog has grown and evolved, and your lovely community. You have so much to be proud of!
You are an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Recently, someone said to me, “The worst voices are often the loudest, but they are not the majority”. I think a lot of us carry the weight of those loud voices we’ve encountered in life.
Kristen, the “voice” you endured for so long was a truly terrible one, and I’m so glad you have been able to question its validity and work towards believing your true worth.
Kristen, you are working your way into being a therapist yourself, a very good one. It may turn out that you will take a curve in the medical field, when all is said and done. Wouldn’t that be wild!
Well, what is interesting is that as nurses, part of our training focuses on learning how to do therapeutic communication because we want to tend to the emotional needs of our patients as well as their physical needs. Obviously we nurses are nowhere near as qualified as trained therapists, but having a therapeutic communication style IS really important! 🙂
Redefining self…a long hard, but often beautiful process. I am so happy for you that you are moving to a more positive definition of self.❤️
I could feel uncertainty and doubt along the way as I too am in the long process of defining self. Ten years ago I had a major back injury requiring surgery. My career as an occupational therapist was a strong but of my identity but I would no longer be able to work to help people attain independence. Okay, I can maybe figure this out I thought wrongly. In these ten years I have had five more fusions which made working an unattainable goal. Also in this process I surgeon sent me to specialists to see why I kept having issues. One specialist confirmed a diagnosis of connective tissue disorder which makes joints hyper flexible and prone to injury.
Long story just to clarify that the first three surgeries were a period of trying new things and meeting new people. By the fourth and fifth, along with two knee replacements, my image was in the toilet feeling that I would not ever master a new identity.
This process was particularly straining as one of my children couldn’t understand the situation. Oops, another role(mother) in my identity shaking still.
It is only recently that I am starting to get some mojo back. This post brought tears but also provided some heartfelt affirmation for me.
I have to conclude with stating that I am blessed that my husband has been my fortress and supporter in all this.
Having an abusive background of my own, although not from my marriage, I commend you @Kristen for doing the tough self esteem weight lifting. This is not an easy task by any means and it is not something that others, especially those without abuse history. It seems like the obvious elephant in the room that everyone should be able to recognize.
I have been in therapy on and off since I was 10 years old and I can tell you emphatically that the self esteem work is never really done. It gets easier but I am forever reminding myself that I am worth the work it takes and a work of art inside and out. No big head over here just 30+ years of telling myself that all the lies spoken over me are just that - lies. Never forget that you are worth all the struggle, all the healing, all the tears. Keep fighting the good fight and above all believe in yourself. You are all of those wonderful things and more!
@Angie, Well said!
Kristen
Please listen to the song SHE USED TO BE MINE from the waitress soundtrack. The Sara Bareiles ( sp?) version if possible. It is beautiful and resilient.
You are enough!
Kristin, I have found your journey to find yourself and to start a new life inspirational. There are many times in the course of a lifetime when we may need to start again. By sharing your feelings and your experiences, you have helped others along the way.
When I was in fifth grade, I was slightly overweight. I was one of those pre-adolescents who became a little fluffy. There was another girl in my class who would bully me incessantly. Fortunately, the adults in my life took care of that situation. However, they also helped me.
After these incidents, I remember my father giving me the most important lesson of my life. He told me something like this: People are all different. Therefore, not everyone was going to like me. Not everyone was going to be nice to me. Not everyone was going to think like me. He told me that I should not let anyone make me feel badly about myself. If someone does, it's okay to walk away.
I have walked away many times in my life. I have left jobs and let friendships fade into the sunset. Never let anyone dull your sparkle!
I may add more later; for now I want to get this thought out there now.
I was struck by a similarity between religious homeschooling environments and abusive ones.[1] Religious homeschooling is often isolating.
Isolation is a key component of abuse. It deprives the abused of alternate support, feedback, and resources; making the abused dependent on the abuser and his (usually but not always his) treatment.
Kristen, when you wrote about coming into more contact with people, that parallel just up and slapped me in the face. I hope it did the same for you and that it helps you piss on that old message.
The old message was your husband cutting you down so you'd stay small and stay with him, serving his message and his needs. Not God's message, not your needs, not your family's needs. You have expanded so much in your recent journey! You are now out in the world, kicking academic ass and doing a world of good. You are helping people - not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well . You are going to be the face they see when they are at their lowest and because you are filled with grace, strength, and gentleness, you are going to lift them up in all ways.
I know the effect a nurse can have; my mother had four primary cancers (Sloan-Kettering could have given her a private entrance, she went thru their doors so much) after my grandmother was in the hospital for a month and a rehab facility 6 weeks more.. My brother was in a body cast for a year and rehab for 2 more from a car crash. My father nearly died twice in one year and, separately, will be on special antibiotics for the rest of his life because septicemia settled in his bones and there's no curing that, only holding it at bay. These many decades later I am still remember extraordinary (and terrible) nurses long after the memory of the doctors have faded into oblivion.
So put the old people behind you, the ones who served only themselves and not God or the people who depended on them. You keep on trucking, girl, and listen to what your new people say.
[1] I am not against religious-based homeschooling, or any homeschooling. Quite literally some of my best friends are homeschoolers. However there is a hazard with all homeschooling - the lack of external input and oversight allows for more extreme outcomes than formal schooling: more extraordinary experiences and also more appallingly abusive ones.
@WilliamB, You are so right about home schooling. I worked with home schoolers as part of my job and have I got some stories!
Awwww, the stories of you remembering the nurses and their impact made me tear up. I hope to be that helpful to my patients.
The beautiful thing about being a nurse is that you are the constant in a patient's experience; the doctors, physical therapists, respiratory therapists, and other healthcare professionals are in and out, here and there, but the nurses remain all day, so we have such an opportunity to set the tone for someone's hospitalization.
@Bobi, As a homeschooler, I would caution you not to rush to put homeschoolers in that kind of box. I worked for years with public schoolers as part of my job, and I have stories there, too. While I agree that isolation can happen (in the bad way) with homeschoolers, plenty of public school students end up isolated in a crowd. I've seen it many times, and the system fails to protect those children, too.
I, too, am crying. For you, and for me. I have been struggling with this for a very long time. Thank you.
Oh, Kristen
Thank you for sharing this with us. It is so wonderful to hear how well you are doing after what may have seemed like a lifetime of not being seen nor heard for your true, wonderful self.
First, it is NOT puffing yourself up to share your hope to be able to say more affirmative things about yourself. It is a GOOD THING. It is healing.
I am sorry that you spent so much of your life with someone whose behavior was so toxic (and yes, I'm making a judgment). Sadly, I have heard what you said or similar thoughts from women I knew who went through divorce and who spent so much energy trying to make things working thinking that, wrongly, they were the problem.
I have pretty much said as I matured, choose with whom you spend your time. They are a bigger influence than we imagine. I made a goal years ago of entering relationships, maintaining them with the sole intent of always making the person feel "bigger", more confident and less negative about themselves. I invested a lot of energy in this because I felt it important as I saw people I love feeling "less than" "broken" and lots of other negative adjectives. (I would like to say that I got the same in return, but I've yet to find someone to build me up. And I've stopped thinking anyone will because most people think I am so strong and need nothing. Not true. We all need reinforcement at times.)
In any event, sharing here is appropriate because though we don't know you, know you in real life, we know what we've seen here is one lovely, kind, considerate, accomplished, loving, thoughtful human being.
Celebrate yourself. It's more than OK to do so. You will never turn into a braggart.
FYI: Hopefully sharing this will help other women who have been in similar situations to yours in a marriage or other intimate relationship or friendship, realize that they are fine as they are and deserve to be treated with respect.
I've been reading your blog for probably a decade. I think you are absolutely remarkable. You have more integrity than almost anyone I've ever actually known. Your writing keeps me going sometimes. I'm so excited for your continued journey into self love! No one deserves it more. (I hope this isn't creepy. I've been meaning to comment for a long time)
I found this quotation on Twitter earlier this morning:
"Since you do not walk into the forest and accuse the trees for being off center, neither do you visit the shore and call the waves imperfect, why do you accuse yourself this way?"
-Tai Te Ching
That is a beautiful quote, and I am honored that my writing has been helpful to you! 🙂
Dearest Kristen,
I write this not to be hurtful although I know it probably will sting because you are such a good mother. Rather, I hope that it will help you feel even more sure that you made the right choice…look at the difference in Lisey’s eyes in these two pictures. I’m sending you strong mama love to remind you that it is more than ok to see yourself positively. It is essential because your children are always watching you.
Ohhhhhh, yes, yes, yes, I had the same thought yesterday too when I found these pictures. And I sent them to Lisey last night when I was on the phone with her.
We are BOTH so much happier now.
@Kristen, And both amazingly successful women!
Oh, dear Kristen, I could have written this myself. Realizing the damage that constant verbal and emotional criticism (yes, abuse) is and was never true is a process.
I know you know it, but you never were those things that were said to you---you ARE those things in the lovely wall art. Even though I've never met you in real life, I can see that.
And---I think you shared this in the perfect place. I bet there are readers in similar situations that can take wisdom and hope from your words.
You have such a talent for words - your post today has moved so many of us. You are truly gifted, thank you so much. As a child, I was never complimented, but constantly criticised, by my parents. It is amazing, even though I am happily married, how much that negativity continues to affect me. We are all definitely "works in progress". And just think how you will have grown in three more years!
I know that in time you will learn to think VERY HIGHLY of yourself, as do so many others.AS you grow into your nursing career and CONTINUE to meet many, varied people out there in the world, you will come to see and appreciate YOUR OWN BRIGHT LIGHT! Your journey has been hard!
You're SUCH a bright light, for so many of us.. and I am glad you are working even more to delve deep into this beautiful, successful, brave,loving person that you are.
This makes me sad. Back in the day, we called this self-esteem and I have struggled mightily for years because of things I was told as a child. Fortunately, I have a terrific hubby so this hasn't been an issue for me in my marriage, but I have friends who've had issues similar to what you describe. I find it disgusting that using religion as a crutch, this kind of harm is still being visited on women. It's been interesting and frankly, uplifting to watch your journey and even though it's true that I don't know you personally, it's apparent to me that you are absolutely everything the word art says you are. First and foremost, you are an excellent writer and communicator and I don't need to know you personally to know that.
Both times that I've read this I've been moved to tears for two reasons: your honesty and my own self-image that also suffers mightily from years of family abuse (also feeling less than). At 65 I'm still unlearning the lessons that I brought with me from the rest of my life.
Sending you a big teary hug, friend. <3
I remain one of your biggest fans. So many of us have seen this from many years back- I am glad YOU are finally starting to see how amazing you are. There is something so connecting and grounding about your story. Rooting for you, always.
Very moving words, God bless you! You are truly wonderful!
Thank you so much for putting this on your main channel. What you heard about they don't know the real you, they don't live with you. I hear all the time. It is so damaging in so many ways. You begin to believe it and question everything about yourself. And start to even tear down your own self. And think my goodness am I that bad. It's very hurtful and sad. I'm glad things are getting better for you. I've followed you for a few years now and I can honestly say you are a beautiful person inside and out.
Ohhhhh, friend, I am SO VERY sorry that you have lived with hearing this too. I don't know if people say this kind of thing with a plan in mind, but it IS a very effective way to shut out all other voices. Any positive feedback you hear is rebuffed with the thought, "They only think this because they don't live with me. If they lived with me, they would like me less."
Sending you a big, big hug, and I hope you too are able to hear other voices.
@Kristen, So glad that you replied back. I was hoping someone would. I came back and scrolled through to my comment to see if someone had. I needed to hear some kind words. Thank you for your kindness and caring, it means a lot.
@Debra, I care and I'm sorry things have been hurtful and sad for you. Wishing you a brighter future!
@Debra, I care as well! I'm sorry you're dealing with this and hope it gets better soon.
@MB in MN, Thank you so much!!!
@Sophie in Denmark, Thank you also. So much kindness goes a long way.
@Debra, I, too, hope you hear voices of support and recognize that you ARE worthy of love, confidence, credit, success, you name it. It is easy to say don't allow anyone to steal your spirit but I know it's not that easy to reason at times. I'm sorry this is something you're experiencing.
@Bonnie, Thank you so much. To hear others say such wonderful, caring things bring tears to my eyes. What a blessing to have another uplift me in ways that I can't express my gratitude for. My heart is full of love for you all.
I believe all of these words accurately describe you. I have enjoyed reading your blog for several years. You seem to be in a good place which is great
Thank-you so much for posting this on here today. I'm so happy for you that you've come so far in 3 years time. Each year will only get better.
The word art that you were gifted recently is so perfect for you and you are so deserving, soak it in and read it often. You are healing, and that's wonderful. The emotional wounds are the hardest to heal and the ones that no one sees, but we certainly feel them deeply.
Keep blossoming Kristen.
May God grant you full healing and peace!
I am so enjoying reading your blog. You are bright, interesting, funny, adorable and you inspire me to become more frugal. Thank you for sharing yourself❤️
I am so proud of you. This work is hard and scary and even more so when done in a more public way.
FWIW I very (very) rarely meet women who are struggling because they think better of themselves than they should.
<3
Thanks for sharing. I can totally relate.
Kristen, I am so glad you posted this here. Because yes, yes, a thousand times YES!
This post is for everyone. I surely have struggled with some of the self esteem issues myself. As I get older (a handful of years older than you), I see that all of us, at one time or another, because of one person or belief or section of society or another, does feel like they are faulty, that they are inadequate and lacking and just incapable of being what they are 'supposed to '. We all need to read this and believe in ourselves and trust that we, too, are good and capable and deserving.
One of the reasons I love your blog, totally aside from the frugality, is that you are such an encourager. You are a light for those who are also struggling with words in their heads put there unfairly by others.
I'm so glad you posted this here on your blog! I can see a tremendous difference between those two photos of you and Lisey!
When I read your posts, I don't ever get the feeling that you "think too much of yourself"! I admire so much about you, and how strong of a woman you seem to be. If someone gave me word art like that, I would be in tears as well.
A healthy self esteem makes it that much easier to build others up, because you can genuinely be happy for and encouraging of others so much easier when you feel confident in yourself, IMHO!
Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us, Kristen. I hope that one day you will see yourself with honesty and compassion.
One of my favorite book series (nonfiction) has a main character, who as the story evolves, is identified as a god. At one point, when one of the other characters cautions her, she says bluntly, “I am perfect as I am.” I think about that line often, about the confidence and bravery it takes to give oneself grace and accept that who one is at that very moment perfect exactly as they are.
Kristen, Slow and steady will win this race for you......pinky swear:)
Yes, this is true in healing as it is in so many areas of life! There is no magic bullet, no quick "key"...steady plodding along the path is what gets you places. 🙂
@Kristen, I ran a 5k this weekend. I was certainly slow and steady and I was the last of the runners - but I ran without any walking breaks, so it was a win for me!
@Sophie in Denmark, congrats on your Victorious finish; super impressive !
@Suz, Thank you! 🙂
I often think it, but today I will say it. This is my favorite corner of the internet. I have marveled for years about your talent for reflecting upon tough topics with extreme kindness, compassion, tenderness, and grace. So much so that I find myself drawing upon things I have read here as I move about the world. As readers of The Frugal Girl, we might only be privy to 2% of the total who that you are, yet even such a little slice of goodness must come from an enormous well of goodness. You have very definitely helped make me a better person, and I thank you for it.
I am so happy that the atmosphere here has impacted your life. Thank you for sharing!
I hope you see this is not only a good thing for yourself but for your children as well. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure it will help others.
I do, I do!
You are all of those things. Your worth is not tied up in anyone, or anything, else. I love this!!
It makes me think of the book The Courage to be Disliked. It’s a great book, and a fairly easy read. I struggle with people pleasing and it has helped me.
Bravo!❤️
Oh Kristen this so resonates with me. I was in a marriage for 18 years and during that time always wondering what I was doing wrong and what was wrong with me. I have been divorced for over 20 years, am 75 and still struggle with these emotions. Mental abuse is so powerful and definitely not easy to overcome. I still work on this everyday. I like myself so much more but still have that voice saying you’re not good enough. I thank you for posting this. This is the first time I have posted anything and have been following you for years. You go girl! You are worthy.
Sending you a big hug, and I hope that voice gets smaller and smaller.
(and I'm glad you popped in to comment!)
Awww. Two thumbs up to you, Kristen. I would add my vote of "Yes, all those nice affirmations" to the ones you've received in your art. Yes to everything. Yes.
Oh my gosh, I love this SO much!! The framed image with those wonderful descriptors of you was such a perfect gift for your graduation this year. And then using some of the words for it as daily affirmations you speak to yourself is a really cool idea!! Good for you! We've all gotta take care of our mental and emotional health, and this is a great tool to have in your toolbox.
Pretty much everything that I am thinking has already been said, but I feel compelled to add my thoughts in my words:
1. I hope one day – soon! – you will not feel it necessary to add such a PS. Please do not waste another moment of your life worrying about whether you are thinking too highly of yourself. It isn’t just misplaced energy; it is bad theology. We are told to love our neighbors as ourselves. How often do you worry that you are thinking too highly of your neighbor? That’s right, never.
2. I will pass on some advice my father gave me decades ago at the start of my career: “You have to believe you are the best in the world at what you do.”
Now, he really was the best in the world in his particular scientific field, and I am certainly not the best musician in the world. But I am the best at the particular combination of things which I do - musicianship, leadership, teaching. You can find many in each of those categories who are better than I am, and by quite a bit. But nobody combines them in the way that I do.
Thank you for sharing here. So happy you are coming to realize your real worth. Keep going and working at it.
I am so happy for you! I've quietly followed your journey for yrs, since long before your divorce, & am so happy for how you're doing now.
I do admit some envy on my part. I wish we could all have people affirming us so beautifully. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to even consider these words to be true about oneself. Let alone actually embrace them!
I'm sorry your marriage was like that. You deserve to heal. You are worthy simply because you are. God doesn't make junk.
You don’t need the disclaimer. You can be humble and also recognize good true things about yourself. It is not puffed up to be able to look in the mirror and say “I am beautiful.” You deserve to love yourself, you are worthy of it. It’s not very good to “love others as you love yourself” if you don’t love yourself at all. Love yourself like you love your neighbors!
Watching you bloom has been nothing short of inspirational. I can’t imagine a better example of resilience for your daughters.
Oh Kristen, so meaningful, so wonderful! Thank you for sharing for all of us to benefit from. It's especially helpful to me as I've been doing very similar work for the past few years. It's incredibly difficult but absolutely worth it. Keep up the strong work, cheering you on & doing it with you! Jennifer
I am gob smacked/staggered that you were so consistently given these messages through your life that you thoroughly absorbed them. That someone as lovely as you look in your pictures, as hardworking as you have been as a parent/homeschooling parent/ piano teacher, as smart as your grades and accomplishments like a nursing degree prove...could so under-estimate yourself really is a testimony to the power of emotional abuse. It makes me want to weep for you, for all the joy that you had sucked out of your life. I wish I had something so profound to say that it would change all those negative messages you have in your brain, but all I offer is one more voice from the blogosphere saying that you are wonderful.
Lindsey, honestly, it really truly means a lot to me that you care (and everyone else too). I quietly absorbed the misery for so long, all alone, and it is very healing to my heart to have someone else care after hearing about even a tiny bit of what I endured.
I appreciate you. <3
How wonderful that you published this!
Hey! You are loved!
Thank you <3
Great post!
This many people are absolutely not wrong!! You are amazing Kristen and I am so glad to know you are getting back parts of yourself that were lost.
P
Also, for the record anyone who has followed you are all knows you are not now nor will ever be they type of person who puffs yourself up. I know I speak for so many when I say it's wonderful that you are starting to see yourself as we do!
TBH… I don’t think it’s off topic to publish this on your main blog and I think today was a perfect day! Mondays are usually Meet a reader, but you know what? Today we all got to meet the new Kristen! (Raise glass) Here is to the new Kristen! It’s so great to meet you! 🙂
Haha, so true!
So happy for you! You have many wonderful qualities and the present you were given has great affirmations that are good to look at each day and remind yourself!
Life is a journey and as you travel it you will get stronger, heal more, and gain confidence with each step.
Thank you for sharing your heart. You are a truly beautiful person...fearfully and wonderfully made!
It makes me really angry on your behalf that you were in such a bad situation for so long!
I've been reading your blog for a couple of years now, and I can see you're really nice (you're always willing to help people, whether it's patients, classmates, friends, family, etc). You're smart—I don't think I could pull off a 4.0 in nursing school! High school biology was a struggle for me, haha. (Luckily, I found my way to accounting, which I enjoy a lot and am very good at.) And you're an amazing musician. I've seen that video of you playing a concerto. I'm a classically trained violinist, so I do know great players from the less great, shall we say, and you're definitely amazing. 😉
So, yeah, it makes me really angry that a certain person could make you not see all of that. And you're right, this much overlapping feedback definitely isn't off base. 🙂
Dear Kristen, clearly I missed an important post, as I didn’t know about your asking for suggestions for your word art. I would quickly have spouted back an abundance of positive words that describe you! But the Kristen cheering team came through big time, and your art work is just beautiful… I have so much admiration for the courage and integrity and truth you have lived in the past three years. What you have done (and are still doing) is nothing short of transcendant in your life and in your daughters’ lives. I know that the struggle has been very real, but you have SO MUCH to show for it! You have taken that younger, hurting, self-doubting Kristen to a strong woman who knows that she CAN build a new life and career for herself and she CAN model success in this for her daughters. Don’t ever doubt yourself again. You are a woman to be reckoned with, a professional who brings passion, compassion, knowledge to her work and to the world. Now, go take that NCLEX tomorrow, knock it out of the park, and celebrate! (I’m predicting that the computer shuts off after 75 questions…)
My son left an abusive marriage 3 years ago with his 2 1/2 year old daughter, the clothes he was wearing and fifty nine cents in his accounts. His now ex-wife took everything else. This blog has helped me so much to know how to support my son. I love the idea of taking one word at a time and reminding myself of its truth. I would like to share one thing that really helped my son. As my son was mourning all he lost his sister's put post-it notes all over his room to remind him of things she couldn't take. These things were his work ethic, his faith, his laughter, his woodworking talents, his gentle spirit among dozens of others. Last month he was awarded full custody of his daughter. Next month he will marry a beautiful woman who loves him and his daughter. I don't often comment but Kristen and many of you have helped our family so greatly. I hope this hint can help someone to regain their self worth or support someone walking this hard road.
I have a preschooler and sometimes I joke that the world would be a better place if everyone had to go back to preschool and learn the rules again! (Clean up the messes you make, keep your hands to yourself, and most importantly, treat others how you'd like to be treated.)
That advice isn't for you, of course, but there is also a song that preschoolers sometimes sing that your writing today calls to mind: "This little light of mine - I'm going to let it shine!"
I'm a long time reader of your blog and one reason I always enjoyed it - and I make a point to read every post - is that I admire the way you live your life. You are very encouraging and inspiring. I am so sorry you have felt "less than" as a person. I'm so glad you are starting to see yourself as the gift that you are to the world.
Years ago I was going through a rough time, a bad break up and felt really down on myself. I remember my boss at the time telling me I was a good example to a younger employee, and I was completely shocked. Like I thought he must be crazy. But his compliment meant so much to me, and I still think of it after all this time. Blessings to you on your healing journey!
I just thought of this: Every night when I tuck my dog in to sleep, I say: "You are so sweet, so smart, so beautiful, so funny, so soft and so special. I am so lucky to be your mama." She does a big sigh and then tucks her face into her blanket. Just think of the positive effect if people could hear something like that on a regular basis.
Here's what we're going to do for the next 25 years- we'll keep saying/ reminding you that you are ALL those things on that paper and then some. We'll drown out the negativity/ lies/ gaslighting of 1 person. That's a whole lot of love+ faith in you. Xx.
Aww thank you. 🙂
I want to add one more to this
art, may be its there but I dint see
LOVED
Hugd n bestest of wishes
Thank you for sharing. Both the post and the comments have given me things to think about. A couple of my thoughts--
1) I wonder how many people I know or with whom I come in contact with who struggle in the same way. I see people not smiling with their eyes, and sometimes I know why. Their mother is dying, their children are going through difficulties, etc. I wonder what my smile was like in the sleep-deprived days of having lots of littles. I am going to put more effort into being thoughtful when I see that kind of smile.
2) I struggle with my smile because of the paralysis. I work hard to fix my smile, but my therapists said months ago that it is clear that I am smiling. What you said makes me feel better about my broken (physically) smile because I'm certain now that my genuine smiles are understood.
3) Okay. More than a couple. Just I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I'm happy that you have the resources you need to deal with it. I hope to direct my own daughters and sons to know what it means to have healthy relationships, relationships of all kinds-- because I think abuse of this kind can come from so many directions.
Ok, late to the comments because I had court today.
I wanted to read 186 comments first before adding my comment. So many speaking absolute truth about Kristen & her word art is perfect example of what WE see in Kristen.
Trauma is difficult & many do not get it, even for people who put on a smiling face & keep going. Trauma can pop up out of nowhere & if you suppress it it only gets worse until you acknowledge it & work through it. And it usually is not a quick process. Years of repeated cohersion (even for the toughest people) takes time to process & undo, especially when it's from someone we love(d).
I can honestly say that Kristen is one of the toughest & kindest people I (intenet) know. She inspires many (on multiple levels) by her sharing (& commenters also) giving light, insight & hope to people whether she realizes it or not. I agree with every other commenter that said Kristen is every word on her word art & more. You are not puffing yourself up, you are not putting yourself higher than others, you are just you. And you are more loved than you could ever know.
You will get to the point where you can see what so many others already see in you. I think you are much further than ground zero, but I/we don't see all your moments in life (where we regress slightly listening to that little negative voice).
You are enough! You are perfect just as you are! Keep shining your light so bright for yourself (& others to see).
My favorite bag says "Don't step back, and everyone will move forward." It is the bag I use for inspiration (like court today) to remind me not to be small because it makes others more comfortable.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for being you! <3
What Sophie in Denmark said! Many of us carry wounds from childhood, a vulnerable time when we internalize what parents say without understanding its intention (or lack of intention)--and adult abusers twist the knife and add to the pain. Abusers also isolate their victims. It seems healthy to me that you would love being with other adult people, and discover that you have much to offer that is unique. There is nothing wrong with comparisons, and accepting your gifts. I believe that the admonishment to love others does not exclude oneself; you are allowed to pat yourself on the back. Not everyone could manage so well to leave a bad situation and build a better one for herself and her children. Your perseverance in nursing training deserves extra joy--not everyone could do that, either! What a great time to be happy. I hope your joy in life continues to grow. You already have the building blocks in place: frugal practices, savvy skills in homemaking, job possibilities all over the map, good health. The Gautama Buddha told his followers to keep traveling with humility, discouraging them from building a center or even an institutional structure. You are on the road! May your sandal straps never break.
You are a wonderful person. Believe
I just want to take a moment to tell you how deeply appreciated you are. You radiate such kindness through every word you write, and it’s genuinely uplifting. It’s clear that you're not only intelligent and insightful, but also incredibly thoughtful in the way you engage with your readers and your community.
Your beauty shines not just in your appearance (though you are absolutely stunning!), but even more so in your spirit, your words, and the way you care. There’s a quiet strength in how you express yourself, and it inspires more than you may realize. You have an amazing ability to be both vulnerable and wise, and that balance is rare and powerful.
Thank you for being a guiding light and a steady presence in this online space. The way you consistently show up with honesty, compassion, and warmth makes a difference. Your contributions here matter—and they reach far beyond just the blog itself. You’ve created a community that feels safe, seen, and heard.
I’ve learned so much from you, and I’m so grateful for the energy and heart you put into every post. Please never underestimate the impact you’re having. You are kind, beautiful, smart, and truly amazing.
Thank you for being you. Keep shining.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing with us, Kristen. We love you!
I'm so glad you can see and recognize your value in this world, and feel joy again. In the photo of you and Lisey, Lisey's eyes look sad, despite her smile. You did what you had to do for yourself, but it was also for your daughters, they are so much better off with a mother who stood up for herself and for them. This is important for them in their relationships going forward--you set a positive example. You deserve all the happiness in your life.
Sounds like someone was projecting their own feelings of inadequacy onto you and unfortunately they managed to damage the self image of a sweet and kind person. I hope you continue to heal as it sounds like you’ve come a long way in the 3 years since you left your marriage.
Weirdly(and maybe it’s inappropriate to say this) I never felt you guys looked like a matched couple. Something always nagged a bit inside of me when I read the blog but needless to say I was super shocked when you left the marriage. I believe true happiness is going to come your way and being a nurse is one part of that slice of life.
Thanks for always blogging-it has been inspiring to so many of us here in internet land.
Kristen, I think that many of us who only know you through your blog have thought that most of these words have always described you. Of course, you haven’t been a nurse long, but you have always been many of these words. Give yourself a pat on the back for all that you have accomplished in very difficult circumstances.
You escaped the room in which you'd been placed. Forest for the trees kind of thing.
Next step for you if I get a vote, update the picture the shows when you post on the NCA (https://gravatar.com/kristenthefrugalgirl?utm_source=hovercard).
I read this post early this morning and then had a super full day. I mulled it over in the background and have now read the 200 comments.
I was divorced in the early 80’s and between that and trauma from my childhood, I was deep in the low self-esteem pit. When I started reading your blog, I recognized the journey. You have stayed the course and really bloomed. The journey continues. Healing is the only way for 2025 Kristen to send a love letter to 2017 Kristen.
I remember someone saying my daughter was from a broken home, referring to my divorced and single parent status. Internally, I screamed, “NNNOOO!” Our home was broken, but now she, her sister, and myself were in a much better place…a home in the process of healing. That’s where I saw you going. It’s been lovely to be along for the ride.
Take care. You are definitely brave!
@PNW Casey, this whole "divorced" business is just nuts. In the small town where I grew up, divorce had a "stigma". A woman I knew (who is around 10 years older than I) said she was not allowed to play with some other children as her parents were "divorced".
Yes your home was no longer technically "intact" per religious definition. Religious definition in my book is not worth the media on which it is written.
I admire you and amazed of all you have accomplished. You are beautiful inside and out. The second picture of you and your daughter is beautiful and I hope you have it in a frame. You have come along way and will be an amazing nurse.
Your framed word art is all who you are!
Kristen, thank you so much for sharing this with us all. I want to join in the chorus affirming all those positive things about you. When you first shared the word art, I read through each word, and it all rang true! I know I'm just an internet stranger but I've been getting to know you for so many years via your blog, and from where I am sitting, it is so clear that you are all those things.
You are brave and fierce, tackling all kinds of challenges. You are strong, physically, mentally, spiritually. You are beautiful, inside and out.
Also, as a huge science nerd, I don't think the affirmation practice is woo-woo at all! In my experience, it takes time and effort to change our internal monologue.
Oh Kristen,
I am just crying sitting here reading this !
That the one who was supposed to loveand protect you and make you feel safe just tore you down and instilled doubts is beyond awful!
You are ALL those words of affirmation and we all know this because of the consistency of your posts and the values that come through daily! I hate that you don’t fully know that yet, but I’m confident that day will come!
Your strength and growth to move beyond your past and thrive is powerful! We’re all here for you and will continue to remind you when you slide back to those belittling voices.
Honey, you are the perfect you and don't need to be anything other than that!
I am so, so very happy that you are now open to seeing all these wonderful qualities that we all see
❤️
Thank you for sharing this here Kristen -- so many need to know there is a way out of the deep hole. We are all in a state of "becoming" our true selves, who God created us to be 🙂
As another commentor suggested, I also recommend the book "no bad parts" on IFS theory. This could help to slowly make yourself believe in your good qualities.
Other topic: Maybe patriarchy is only working, when the patriarch deeply cares for you, respects you and values you?
Love, Silke
I am so happy that you decided to post this on your blog! I know you shared something personal to you, but we all have these types of times or moments in our lives. This blog article was so genuine and authentic and encouraging and inspirational.
Your therapist also might have worked with you on cognitive reframing and growth mindset. If not, you can do your own investigating or inquire with your therapist. Both of these help us to see more clearly our current reality and less of our past reality.
Lastly, even though our kids are in college and beyond, one of their favorite teachers was their preschool teacher, and on a day when I happened to be volunteering, I saw what they did at circle time where they had the kids share something that they learned or that they were good at or that they did well, and it didn’t have to be colors, it could be that they helped out a friend with a puzzle that they were struggling with, or they said a nice word to a classmate or teacher… And then they all had to give themselves a pat on the back -literally. They took their right or their left hand, crossed it over the front of their body, and gave themselves a pat on their back/shoulder. I work with highschoolers and middle schoolers currently in my career, and I am constantly reminding them to do this, and even though they laugh at me and they feel a little sheepishly about doing it, after they do it, you can just tell in their faces that it was a good thing for them to recognize all their good traits, learning, etc. I tell them to never forget to continue doing that into adulthood, to recognize when they do or say things they are proud - because it is healthy to do so, and it can come from themselves, does not need to come from someone else (although hearing it from someone else certainly is quite nice!)
Well, now I am crying too. I'm so happy for you and proud of you. Don't listen to that voice in your head that tells you we don't know you. Certainly there are many things we don't know about you, but one can't spend a decade reading someone's words on a daily basis and not come to know them pretty well. There is a reason we are all cheering you on. 😉
In the 2017 picture of you and Lisey you have what I call a camera smile. In the recent picture, your whole face is smiling and radiates such joy! All those words are true, be proud of yourself and all you have accomplished.
Great post and I know that would be a hard one for you and many of us. We all tend to be hard on ourselves and that gets compounded when there are ones that put someone down. I always try to remember if they point a finger at me, they are pointing 3 back at themselves. You are on a right track and have great support. Seeing what they made for you reminds me that we need to remind each other how important we are to each other!
Thank you; very rare commenter, reader for well over those three years! I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing this. And, in this, I see a past I had too; and regret I didn’t leave sooner.
Ive come back to this post a few times since you published and Im so glad you put it here. I also very very much enjoyed reading the 99.9% wonderful comments from your readers. It makes me so happy you are free and can start to see yourself the way everyone else does.