On being kind (inspired by Below Stairs)
Some months ago, I mentioned that I'd been reading Below Stairs, a memoir written by a British kitchen maid/cook.I loved it, and I found it to be both entertaining and thought-provoking.
And I have some rambly thoughts to share about it.
Ready?
The author was in service at a time when class lines were clearly demarcated (not that they aren't now, but I think it's less than it used to be) and it was so sad to read about how poorly the working class was typically treated by their employers.
The wages were poor, the hours long, the accommodations small, cold, and poorly appointed (in her words), and little respect was given.
But in the midst of the many houses she worked at, there was one that stood out, where the employers really did care about the well-being of their employees.They took good care of them, provided them with good pay and decent housing, and as a result, the service people adored their employers and worked really hard for them.
At the other houses, though, they never felt motivated to go the extra mile, and beneath the exterior appearance of respect, the household help had hearts full of disdain and hate for their employers.
Anyway, when I read of the mistreatment of the service people, at first I thought, "Oh, it's good we don't do this anymore." and then I realized that our culture still kind of does.
When Mr. FG and I were shopping for carpet this past year, we were working with a sales rep....we talked with him at the store, he came to our house to measure, and so on.
When we stopped by to pay for the carpet, he said, "You guys should win the award for being the nicest customers ever."
Mr. FG and I were like, "Huh?" (because we didn't feel like we'd done anything out of the ordinary).
He told us that a lot of customers are rude and demanding and unfriendly, and he said when people are nice customers, he wants to give them good service and get them the best discount he can.
That made me think of the Below Stairs culture, because there's obviously a number of people who feel like carpet salespeople are a lower class and don't deserve to be treated well.
And what he said about wanting to give kind customers a better price also made me think of Below Stairs, and how when the employer treated the servants well, they wanted to serve the employer better.
While I do see areas where I still have room to grow in viewing people without class lines, for whatever reason, I don't typically think of people in service-oriented industries as being of a lower class. They're just people, doing a job, and they deserve just as much kindness and friendliness as anyone else does.
(Also: Mr. FG and I and our kids have all had jobs that were either in manual labor or customer service, so we know what it feels like, and we'd be a bit crazy to look down on people who have those types of jobs.)
Mr. FG is even better at this than me, but I say hi to the garbage men, wave to the mail person, ask my Aldi cashier how his daughter is, ask about the health of my appliance repairman's little son (he has some health challenges), talk with Mr. Bob (the produce guy at the grocery store), congratulate the librarian on her engagement, greet people with a smile, and so on.
I don't think this makes me special, or that I deserve any special credit for this. But I am always surprised to hear that this is not the norm.
For example, one time when our A/C broke in the middle of the summer, we had a repairman come to fix it, and I said something to him like, "You must have so many people delighted to see you, because you bring cool air their way!"
And he said, no, what mostly happens is that he encounters crabby people who are angry about the A/C being broken and are impatient because they think he should have fixed it five minutes ago.
(I haaaate being hot, so I feel like the HVAC repairman should have a seriously elevated status. 😉 All hail people who turn A/C on! )
Anyway.
Being kind and friendly to people, no matter who they are is a basic matter of loving our neighbors and it's something we ought to do whether there's a reward or not.
Although, spreading kindness really is a reward in and of itself, because wouldn't we all rather live in a world with kind people? And we can't expect a kind world if we're not being kind.
That said, Below Stairs, and my experience with the carpet sales rep reminded me that often, there is a direct reward for treating people kindly. When you treat people well, they're more apt to treat you well and give you better service.
I suppose there are some exceptions, where people see a kind person as a pushover and might try to pull a fast one, but by and large, my experience is that kindness is often returned.
It's sort of a counter-intuitive thing.
The harsh employers of the Below Stairs author thought that the best way to look after their own interests was to be demanding and to give their servants the bare minimum, but the kind employers were the ones whose interests were best served.
So, going through life with a rude, demanding attitude will probably have the opposite effect you'd be hoping for, whereas a kind attitude will often get you what you want.
I'm not saying we should just be kind in order to get better service; I hope that kindness will well up from a heart that loves other people.
But when we're tempted to be rude, it certainly doesn't hurt to remember that kindness usually pays better than rudeness.
Hi! I'm one of those long-time readers (8 years? More?) who never comments, but I'm breaking radio silence to say that I really appreciate your thoughts on kindness, both in this post and elsewhere. It seems to me to be such a simple and yet far-reaching little trait; easy to accomplish yet with lasting affects for those touched by it. Thanks for writing about it. 🙂
Yay! So glad that you de-lurked. Don't be a stranger. 🙂
Me too! Long time reader here who very much enjoys your site, wisdom and humor!
Your comment about the A/C guy especially hit me. You see, that HVAC guy might be my son. He went to tech college and has worked very hard the past 3 years gaining wonderful experience. He is smart and kind and sometimes the conditions are rough. High heat outside or lots of snow and as you said crabby clients.
It is good to remember that the repairman and cashier are all someone's son, daughter, husband, wife, mother, or father. Let's be kind to all of them!
What's interesting is that the HVAC guy said that people are the most cranky about broken A/C. I'd have thought people would freak out more about freezing, but apparently, sweating makes people crabbier!
I think it's awesome that your son is working hard at doing HVAC work. I know I am super grateful for the people who have restored our heat and air conditioning over the years.
I remember when I lived in NC years ago and our A/C went out. It was the most miserable time! No one was able to get any sleep, which on top of the heat....it was the worse kind of cranky. The cranky doesn't come from the broken A/C, it comes from lack of sleep and exhaustion from the heat! It is hard to be at your best when you are hot and unable to get good rest. It isn't an intentional kind of cranky.
I understand feeling horrible due to lack of A/C, for sure. Ours broke when we moved into this house (in mid-July). I was newly pregnant with Zoe, super nauseated and sick, and our house had bad pet/cigarette odor, made worse by the heat, which made my nausea worse...it was pretty awful.
But regardless, I couldn't feel anything for the A/C repair guy except for serious gratitude. When I felt cool air coming out of the vents again, I was nearly ready to kiss him!
Of course, if the HVAC people had given me terrible service or something, it would have been hard to be patient. But my HVAC guy was saying that he'll walk into a house and before he's even done anything, people are cranky with him instead of being excited that he's there to bring them cool air.
I really enjoyed reading this. Well said!
Yeah, in high school my friend worked at a pizza place where they spit in the pizzas of rude customers. It gave me an early lesson in using good manners with those who are doing me a service . I love that you're bringing this up, though. We have so much influence on how others' days and lives go.
(Love the Downton pics)
That just grosses me out, and it seems like THEY would be grossed out to even DO it.
@SandyH, right???!! But -- good to know!!
"remember that kindness usually pays better than rudeness."
I LOVE that!! SO TRUE!! And I always do my best to be kind to others. Having worked in grocery stores and the library, I know how kindness can change a persons day!!
I have always tried to be kind to those that we bring in to do services for us. When the septic tank needs to be pumped out (the most thankless job ever I think) I always make sure to have cold sodas for the guys and talk to them. I guess I am fascinated by people who do that for a living! We also went and got some cold bottles of Gatorade for the HVAC guys that came in to install our new A/C unit and it was cold outside. I was a Marine, and let me tell you that there aren't many jobs lower than a private in the military and having had to do a lot of really nasty tasks (I got to go dumpster diving for recyclables) I have an appreciation for people who do them for a living. There was a saying somewhere that you can tell the real quality of a person by how they treat those who they deem to be less than they are.
I wish I could be a person who not only treats all kindly but who also doesn't even deem anybody to be less than myself. But I admit that I am too far from perfect. 🙁
I don't think anyone does this perfectly, myself included! We've all got room for growth.
That is what I don't tend to do. I mean, I am polite and nice to repairman when they come over, but I don't tend to give them/offer them drinks. One repairmen in Tennessee even made a backhand comment because we did not offer him a drink or ask him to sit down. We don't tend to do the guest thing and then I have to make a conscious effort to offer a drink, as I always tend to forget, but don't tend to do that for repair people. Never felt it was rude on our part, until the one guy in Tennessee. Then I kinda wondered.
This is interesting to me. Because you are paying them to do a job, is it appropriate to treat them as guests? Not because of being better or worse than them but because they are there to work and you are paying full price usually for them to do it. It seems very rude to me that he was offended by you not treating him as a guest. Much as I am sure that he would have been offended if you asked for a friendly discount on your bill. I absolutely do my best to be polite and thankful to all and certainly if it's a friend that is helping us out on his own time then the sky is the limit to offering food and drinks - but honestly I think your repairman was out of line.
@Patti, I agree. I'm polite to someone doing a job for me, but I'm paying them, not hosting them. Nobody is offering me cold beverages at work. It's work. You do your work, you get paid for it. Bonus if your customers are friendly, but it should not be expected IMO.
I love this! Like Mr FG, my husband is sooo good at this! Whenever we are in a store or restaurant where employees wear name tags, he ALWAYS addresses by their names and asks how they are. Sometimes I get embarrassed (I am not nearly as extroverted as my better half! :-)), but this post is a good reminder to me that, in many cases, he probably makes their day just by acknowledging them and showing kindness. It's also so important for our children to see this behavior since we all know things like this are much more "caught than taught"! Thanks for the reminder, Kristen!
P.S. I had a high school friend who worked for a famous fast food chain. She, too, said that employees would spit in the food of rude customers. Pays to be kind--in many ways!
Ooh, yes, Mr. FG is good at calling people by their names too.
I had a service call for Internet the other day — I knew, and the tech knew, that it was a tower issue and not something in my house, but he still had to be here because the call center (after spending an hour troubleshooting things that weren't wrong with me) told him he had to. We had a wide-ranging conversation and even got to talk about Linux, and who does that anymore? At the end of the call, my father-in-law stopped by. Same tower, same issues. I almost felt like I should apologize to the tech for the way my f-i-l was talking to him. Ugh. I generally have great in-laws but I could have done without seeing that.
This hits home, oh yes. My husband, a nice man, becomes someone else entirely when dealing with service people on the phone. Internet, cable, retail customer service, whatever, he becomes rude and demanding. I will never figure this out...aren't you asking these people for HELP?? On top of that, what did they do to deserve this attitude, right from the start of the conversation. He knows very well how I feel about this,and I leave the room when he is on one of these calls. PS, he is in the service business himself, as am I. I own my own dog grooming business that has been successful for over ten years, and I have another in my home. I am shocked to think that people may feel I am beneath them, because I am a dog groomer? Really? I hope that's not the case, because I am not only a dog groomer. I'm a homeowner, a wife and mother, a grandmother of six, a daughter, a sister. In other words, a human, just like everyone else. And that's how we should treat each other. I could judge people for the condition in which they bring their pets to me, oh boy, could I. But I, of all people, know and understand the trials of coat maintenance in certain breeds, and unless it's out and out neglect, or happens repeatedly despite my suggestions, then I do my job and keep my judgey attitude at bay.
I'm an IT guy by trade. The people who complain, demand and are generally rude to me tend to get their problems fixed last. It's not that I'm intentionally doing it to spite them; I just don't want to deal with their negativity and instead prefer to deal with those who treat me like a human being.
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased. Sometimes it gets replaced.
Interestingly enough, I find the ones who are the rudest and tend to treat me the worst tend to be people with either entry level or temporary jobs. I don't know what the correlation is there (if there is one) but I always find it strange that the president of the company cares more about how my daughter is doing than a woman who answers phones all day.
That's really weird. I feel like the experiences Mr. FG and I've had in customer service have given us more sympathy and understanding for people who are serving us, not less!
My theory is that people closer to the bottom *could* feel resentful of their position and want to exert power over someone else.
Or they are just jerks and never got ahead because of their attitude.
One of the classic explanations for this is that those who were just barely removed from service class, needed to differentiate themselves lest they be mistaken for service themselves. In a class-conscious environment, that's a big deal. OTOH, the lord of the manner would never be mistaken for service, and therefore could "afford" to do things beneath him if he choose.
The same is true in modern times but with different class markers. Just a week or two ago, one of FG's commenters pointed out how, when ze lived in a poor/poorish neighborhood, zir neighbors consumed conspiciously lest they be mistaken for poor. Whereas someone who is richer, or white, or well educated, can be frugal or even dressed in ratty clothes, without losing class status.
My husband and I have a pest control business and, boy, can we relate to this. Just imagine how some people with attitude dysfunction regard the guy the crawls under their house to deal with their termite issue and comes out covered in dirt, spiderwebs and sweat. Some people say thank you and some people ask him what took him so long. Fortunately, he is charming and highly proficient so the latter customer is a rare bird.
Nonetheless, there are some odd ducks out there that believe they are dealing with an inferior human, I suppose. We had one particularly weird customer that tried to bribe him into "taking her bed bug job seriously" and into "having integrity". She promised to tip him if he did so. Wha? We own this whole thing. Tipping the owner like he is a 16 year old kid delivering a pizza for nothing.25 an hour was so odd. Doing so to try and convince THE OWNER to not be a schlub...weirdest thing ever. She hired him because his reviews were glowing. Why assume the worst and tell him so? LOL. Now she is a longterm residential customer because he is awesome...and she didn't even have to bribe him! Ha!
I was raised in a family that owned muffler shops and learned in my crib that wonderful people came home covered in grease and dirt. I will never be anything but friendly and kind to the person helping me. In fact, when something goes awry the first thing I will say to them is that I am not angry at them, because they always think I must be. What good does that do?
Yay for kindness to strangers and people from all walks of life!
"...wonderful people came home covered in grease and dirt."
I love that!
I try to be kind to others who are serving me. I am not perfect so of course I fail at times! I think it is important to remember that many times the person we are dealing with is not the person who makes the rules or is causing the problem we are dealing with. For instance, we recently moved and when we went to the DMV to get new licenses we didn't have all our paperwork we needed. We could have gotten mad at the person requesting the information but she didn't make the rules up. So we went home and got the paperwork we needed, and then when we got back and got into the much longer line, the lady who dealt with us at first called us back up. She may have done the same for the someone who got angry and gave her attitude, who knows? But anyhow, there were a ton of people at the DMV and what good does it do to get angry for the wait, the inconvenience of going back and forth from home, etc.?
Yes, yes, yes! I had a conversation on this the other day with my coworker.
She was telling me that she had to be mega-rude to customer service, her apartment office workers, her A/C repair guy--because when you're mean and demanding, people will do anything to get away from you. She even got a few things for free, but at a price of ruining someone's day.
I disagreed with her, saying that when you're nice, people are more willing to help you out. I'm at fault at times for being too nice, but I always think kindness is the best policy. Everyone just wants to do their jobs--why make it harder?
Yeah, there are some exceptions to the rule, but when my interactions are averaged out, I'd say that the vast majority of the time, smiling and being kind does bear good fruit.
Plus, when you're going to have repeated interactions with people, being nasty seems short-sighted. Better to build a positive relationship with someone, I'd think! Most people will be more anxious to please you if you have a history of positive interactions.
It also makes my day better to NOT be the old grump these people have to deal with.
I take a similar approach, because it's nicer and for pragmatic reasons. Because Grandma was right, you do catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
From a pragmatic perspective, you can start nice and get nasty if nice doesn't work (frequently necessary with my insurance company, for example) but you can't start nasty then get nice. For the record, I get firm and forceful and will ask for the supervisor if necessary, and I've told someone ze was not competent enough to fix my problem (this after I caught her in an outright lie) but I've never called someone names.
Also, I have no trouble treating people who get dirty for a living as humans; I do have trouble with people who use very poor grammar or - even more so - have a bad attitude. A failing.
I try to always be polite and considerate even when I want to scream in frustration and many times it has netted me someone who has gone the extra mile for me or given me an extra discount. I think of it as kindness prepaid. Be kind first and it comes back to you.
What a great post for a Monday. I always try to treat everyone with respect, everyone deserves that and that's the way I was raised. If I put myself in other's shoes I find I appreciate the jobs that they do and I'm thankful they do them.
My elder pastor mentioned a quote while preaching that he read as a young man on his job. I came home and wrote it with a chalk marker on a chalkboard in my kitchen. "KINDNESS is a hard thing to give away! It usually comes back to YOU!!!" Great words to live by!
My husband and I run a creative firm, and let me tell you, the jerk tax is real. When we have clients who are great to work with and we go under hours on a project, they get a discount. But for people who give us a hard time and want to try to sneaky add to a project's scope, not only do they not get a discount at the end, we will bill them for everything morally possible. I don't think people realize how negotiable prices are and how much their behavior matters.
So true. My husband's firm will often quote higher prices to clients they have worked with in the past who have proven themselves to be difficult to work for or are rude and overly demanding.
Yes, yes, yes! When I am tempted to be short with someone (usually due to my own issues not theirs) I always remind myself what if they showed up in my church on Sunday and thought my ugly behaviour was a representation of our church, or worse yet, Jesus! On other note, I have always said that the best way to have loyal hard-working employees was to treat them well. Thanks for a thoughtful and insightful post!
Such true words! Having worked in customer service positions, it's amazing how some people treat you. The nice ones who come along are a breath of fresh air and just one nice comment can change someone's whole day!
I have never understood looking down on someone for the job they do. A friend and I attended a Kindergarten parent night for our kids. On entering the class room, there was a gentleman at the door greeting people. When my friend introduced herself and asked what he did at the school, he said (in a very smart aleck/jerky way) "I'm the janitor". My friend, said "That's great, that makes you the hardest working person in this building. It's nice to meet you". Turns out the guy was the superintendent of the district (a man well known for thinking very highly of himself) and thought he was being funny and just assumed he was so important that everyone knew who he was. After he informed my friend of this she said, "Oh well, that's too bad. Do we get to meet the janitor too?" It took all I had not to crack up laughing.
I really like your friend!
I'm am a believer, 100%, that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar as they say. I too have worked in the service fields (amusement park, waitress, drive in movie theater) in addition to a professional job, teaching and tutoring. Many times my service back was given well while biting my tongue, but I was taught to treat others the way you want to be treated and I try very hard to do that and model it for my daughter. I'm not the best with names, but I focus on looking a person in the eyes and speaking honestly. I know I can improve, who can't! I appreciate your perspective and think it's on par.
I love that this touches people. I am also a long-time reader but very infrequent commenter. Our family, particularly my children, is often praised for our "politeness." This almost always happens at restaurants. We do work on our manners but in my eyes our manners are not exceptional. In fact I think we barely make minimum standards so it concerns me that we would be seen as praiseworthy. It has helped me to remember to put down my phone. We were buying shoes recently and I was trying to text someone and do something else. I realized I was being rude and said to the person, "I am sorry. I should be focusing on you not my phone. You are important." She almost cried. I was so convicted. I am trying really hard to put my full attention on the people helping me. I was in customer service for many years, and as the time went on, I noticed that people were more likely to be what I would consider rude. I don't know how it is now, but I have to think that service people spend a lot of time looking at people who are not looking at them. I would think that would be really exhausting. On the flip side, I think we underestimate the power that service people have. I know when I am having a bad day, a warm smile and polite service go a long way to cheering me up. And when I am having a good day, rudeness can really bring down my day. Service people have the opportunity to minister to so many people!
Beautifully said! A little kindness does go a long way. It goes much longer than we ever, ever realize most of the time. My wish for this country in general, is for abundance of kindness. It would truly change the world!!
Thanks for a uplifting post:)
This is a good reminder post of how to treat others -- it's so easy when you are busy to not notice a person serving you. For instance, I see people chatting obliviously on cell phones while the clerk waits to be answered or paid, and that's one of my pet peeves.
I've worked in various workplace settings. Some of the places I've worked have been great, some so-so, but some have treated the employees like nameless grinds who are a drain on the boss' pocket, so no one stays there long. This kind of company is constantly having to hire and train new employees, create paperwork, and deal with lower productivity while the new person learns his or her job, only to quit a year later. I'm not asking those employers to coddle employees, but wouldn't treating them with respect and consideration be a benefit for the employer/s as well? Of course it would.
Yes-if employers were taking the long view regarding their employees, they'd try to create an environment that makes people want to stay.
Turnover is SO expensive.
So true - and timely advice. My husband just quit his job due to being ignored, disrespected and his talents, experience, and knowledge denigrated - in front of his peers no less. He has 20 years experience in the IT field and, while he loves the work, his experience and knowledge have rarely been fully used or even acknowledged. He is hired for his knowledge and experience, and when doing the job, employers seem to dismiss that same knowledge and experience, arguing against his recommendations - as if THEY are the experts even though they have none of his credentials. The arrogance and rudeness of management astounds me.
When my father died not too long ago, the quote everyone came up with to reference his life, whether they claimed any religion or not, was "Whatever you do to the least of my brothers, you do to me." My dad lived this every day of his life and taught me to live it to. I've been taken advantage of plenty and bullied regularly because I am too kind but I will never change.
Thank you, Elizabeth, for this inspiring comment. Like you, many have taken advantage of me as well. I have been told that a bully can detect me a mile away! Your father sounds like he was a wonderful man, and you are blessed to have had him in your life.
Thanks for writing this. I always thought of myself as someone who would speak with kindness to people who provide a service, but after reading this, I just know I could do better. My partner is a small business owner, and often comes home with stories about how rudely people speak to him. Being with him has opened my eyes tenfold, so I have promised myself to treat others better. Reading this reminds me of that promise. Thank you!!
Doesn't EVERY person deserve kindness EVERY TIME, EVERYWHERE??!!
Certainly!
Thank you for writing about this topic. Sadly, it is true that we are not as egalitarian as we should be. I do believe that we should treat everyone just the way we would like to be treated and sadly most of us fail some of the time. Worse still are those that are proud of this behaviour.
As I deal with my ageing parents I am having a difficult time dealing with the shorter tempers and extreme demands. Most days I feel I could count to a thousand and still explode. Thank you for the timely reminder.
Thank you to the person who wrote about needing to be Christ's representative on earth.
It is three am in Australia and I will go to sleep pondering this post.
Rudeness is rampant these days and it's not just service personnel who need to be treated to a dose of kindness. Think about all your daily interactions and ask yourself if you're proud of them. Did you say please and thank you at every appropriate time today? Did you hold the door for the person behind you? Did you patiently wait your turn or did you try to cut in line? Did you deliberately cut someone off on the highway because you were in a hurry? Did you walk single file on the sidewalk or anywhere else so others could pass? Did you do the right thing even if it was more difficult?
I absolutely agree that treating everyone as if they are sacred, makes the world a better place! I go out of my way to make conversation with people who help me in ANY way--the Uber drive, the cashier at grocery, repair person,s etc.. just such a nicer way to live life.And you know,CRABBY rude people do not realize that is why THEY are treated the way they are in life.. you get what you put out there!!!!
I spent two years in and out of the hospital, due to a catastrophic illness. I had more than one nurse tell me that I was one of the most polite patients they had experienced. I was stupefied---all I did was say please and thank you. On days when I was in agony, I might apologize for being unresponsive to general conversation, but I would explain why. More than one nurse told me they are constantly abused by patients and families who are rude, demanding, yellers and even throw things. Sometimes they are told to shut up because they are not the doctor so don't know what they are talking about. (Boy, that has not been my experience with nurses!) They were not talking about people addled by age, mental illness or drugs but by ordinary people. In my early years, I worked as a waitress and in a store and I think that has carried over in terms of knowing how much I appreciated it when someone was civil to me instead of treating me like I didn't matter at all.
I work in a rehabilitation hospital with seniors and you bet that I will give the basic services (I'm in physical therapy) to the rude patients and will go the extra mile for the nice ones. You get treated in relation to how you are treating others, it's as simple as that.
I think being that kind of friendly (example : asking the librarian about her kid's health, saying hello to the garbage men, etc), is more common in small villages. I live in a big city and neighbors don't even know each other, except the one living directly beside. We don't go around talking to everyone and enquiring about each others lives. We don't see the mailman or the garbage man. It feels more "everyone keeps to themselves". Sounds sad viewed like this, but this is our normality. It's not to be rude, it's just how it is. That said, to me this is not rude. Rude is beign a jerk, like talking on the cell phone while doing a transaction, yelling at a waitress, not saying please and thank you.
I always take the time to mention to the manager when I have outstanding service (they are always surprised by it!). I acknowledge the cleaning staff at work. I don't look down on people. But, no, I'm not interested in having conversations with everyone, it's just not in my nature and it's not how it works here.
I do the same! I have a nickname among my patients- "happy pants". Their days are rough enough- they don't need a dour face coming through the exam room door.
Plus I love talking to elderly folks, especially in the grocery store.
Why not make the world a little happier with a kind word?
I always speak with folks when I am out & about, whether it's the store cashier or the young mom at the library, (or the library volunteer that's waiting on me!). I always try to say something funny to make them laugh - sometimes I'm successful with this, sometimes not. I remember reading somewhere about a cashier that thought it was rude for a customer to lay the money down on the counter & not hand it to her - so I always hand the money to the person taking it.
After spending 40 years in the service industries in different capacities, I can say that the attitudes I receive now are 100 times worse than what I dealt with 20, 30 and 40 years ago. I have gone from being a store clerk to a telephone customer service representative to a business owner and back to a telephone customer service representative. 95% of the callers I deal with daily are rude, ignorant and nasty. Our company's policies require us to apologize to the caller regardless of what the issue is, always show respect and empathy and provide PERFECT SERVICE. I can do all the above to the rude callers but it's the pleasant ones who I go the extra mile for and spend the time they need me to so that they get all the information they called for and any other information that is helpful to them. I'll spend an hour to explain what is very confusing for them. If you're rude and talk down to me, you get the basic treatment.
As stated in a post above, my grandmother always said, you catch more flies with honey, and it's so true.
I've always been a fan! I've been reading your blog since 2010! Now I am starting my own as inspired by you. Pls help me promote my blog. I will be talking about my debt crush journey on it! Thanks in advance Frugal Girl!
This:
"he encounters crabby people who are angry about the A/C being broken and are impatient because they think he should have fixed it five minutes ago."
My husband is in people's homes daily repairing and making look new their beloved antiques and furniture that the moving people dropped and damaged. They take out their anger on him sometimes. He's learned not to take it. He will simply walk out and refuse to be treated that way.
Modern Mrs. Darcy had a post a while back that had a ton of comments about "You can tell a lot about a person by the way they ......" and "how they treat waitstaff" was a big one. It's true. People who treat those they perceive to be "beneath" them probably have narc tendencies.
Interestingly, just last night I was watching a very long but worth it video by a woman named Ann Barnhardt about Diabolical Narcissism. She thinks it's the cause of nearly all the extremely bad behavior we see in the world today, and I've read other psy experts who claim that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is on the rise. Probably a lot of truth to it.
Oh and Kristen I forgot to mention that, since I see everything through the lens of my faith (and I suspect you're the same), I understand that this "diabolical narcissism" exists because we're living in the last days, (2 Tim 3: 1-5) the Bible describes the haughty, loveless attitude of many, and since the demons are living among us after being ousted from heaven (Rev. 12: 7-12), it's "woe for the earth". This is a modern phenomenon because when Job was alive, the Devil and his crew were freely able to be in God's presence.
As to whether being nasty and rude gets results (as in the story above) that is SO not the point! The point is to use the Golden Rule. It doesn't cost us to be kind, but being nasty definitely costs us - our health suffers, and we affect the next few interactions of the person we were rude to - like a Butterfly Effect. We impact the world when we are kind (or not). http://www.rwjf.org/en/library/articles-and-news/2011/09/how-our-friends-and-our-friends-friends-influence-our-health.html
I am never rude to people, but I do not necessarily go out of my way to engage with them. I don't think I know anything about the cashiers at King Soopers (and I generally see the same few cashiers). I am going to work on this.
I have found that even when a company or individual is in the wrong, when I as a customer approach the situation with grace and kindness, and ask only for what I'm due instead of demanding extra discounts (i.e. expecting a restaurant to comp the entire bill when only one entrée was not up to par), I hardly ever have a problem.
Oh, that makes me so happy! Yay! Your King Soopers cashiers are gonna feel so loved. <3
My husband's family own and operates a date farm. While 90% of our customers are awesome. It always surprises me how rude some people are when they come to purchase dates from us. I've had people yell at me because the type of dates they want aren't ready yet. (Unfortunately I Can't ripen dates on demand, if I could believe me harvest wouldn't be in Aug and Sept when is 120 outside.)
I've actually called people out on their rudest. Its one thing when you go to a place of business, but our business is also our home and I won't have rude people at my home. So I've asked people to leave before.
Also I do the mail orders and it's been hard for me to not "forget" to mail a rude customer's order or give them the smallest dates. Which for the record I've never done but some times it's tempting.
That is so weird. How in the world do they think you could produce faster-ripening dates?
I do think that there's a time and a place for politely but firmly rejecting rude behavior. People like that aren't the customer base you're aiming for anyway, so it's not a huge loss if they stop shopping at your farm. There are plenty of other polite people who can buy dates.
Well Kristen, I disagree with you on this one, I think your kindness makes you special :).
Great post!! This is a topic I've given a great deal of thought over the years. Strip away the job titles, the belongings, the degrees, etc., we are all the same. Sure someone might think he/she is superior to someone who earns less or has less of a net worth, but that is due to his/her insecurities. I'd like to think America is a casteless/classless society, but not true.
Susan
I always say that you catch more flies with honey. Being kind is something I think we can all do. Kindness costs us nothing and it is more often than not life changing.
Having worked in customer facing positions all my life I recognize the value of a client that actually sees you and doesn’t respond to you as if you are a trained seal.
Also it is important to remember that we never know what another person is going through. Think about the person that cut you off in traffic or isn’t smiling or is maybe a little cranky. Maybe they are racing to the hospital bed of a loved one, just received some really bad news or a terrible diagnosis. Let’s try to be patient and kind to each other. This world would be so much better for it.
Kristen, I'm curious to hear how you handle health insurance issues (or similar). I've been told by the customer service rep (after finally asking if there was anyone else I could speak with who could help) that I had to say that specific thing in order to get help - they couldn't offer. I know it's not the person's fault and try to show that in my tone, but it really seems like the insurance company essentially requires you to be rude to get any help.
I think it's totally fine to ask to speak to a higher-up. That's just being assertive, as long as you do it respectfully and kindly.
I've done it myself several times with phone issues; sometimes the person you're initially talking to just doesn't have the authority to help.
Sometimes I wonder if the unkindness to service people is simply about power. We all go through life wishing we had more power over our lives. When we interact with service people we have a lot of power. People in service get in trouble with their bosses if they say to nasty people just what they would like to say, and the customer knows this.
I saw this even in the medical field.
Dr. Jody Carrington says this over and over and that is this quote from Socrates:
Those who are hardest to love need it the most.
As a follower of Jesus, we can certainly learn from Him. The Bible speaks to masters and their servants about how to act. As a mother of a special needs daughter (which is a strong lens that I look at life through), I am often reminded that whatever you have done to the least you’ve done to me. That’s what Jesus said about himself and those he loves. It is so true! When someone shows kindness to my daughter I am so blessed. So whether it’s a special child or adult, a service person who I think are some of the greatest (HVAC, plumbers, electricians…), it matters how we treat other people.
In some small and remote Alaskan villages, they still use honey buckets because there is no indoor plumbing. You have a bathroom but you do your business into a bucket that a person comes and empties once a week---they can reach it from the outside. And imagine that they do this sometimes in 30 below zero with even colder temps due to a wind chill. A lot of people make fun of the honey bucket man and make jokes about him stinking and so on; it is very low status work but well paying jobs are scarce. Well, one day I was at a school in one of these villages, observing a classroom, and the topic for the day was to talk about your father. This little kid stood up and said he was proud that his dad was one of the most important people in town because he was the honey bucket man. He went on to say that without the honey bucket man, diseases would spread and people would get sick, and houses would stink and some people would just poop any old place. I thought how wonderful it was that someone had taught this kid that his father's low status job was honorable and vital...I hoped that it made some of the other kids think about the honey bucket guy differently. My village had toilets but our water was delivered two days a week and, believe me, we appreciated that delivery guy very much!
Wish everyone could read this now. I see so many people writing up how rude they were to restaurant employees because food and service was not like it was when they visited pre-pandemic or 5 years ago for that matter. People who are working these jobs need the experience and wage to live and take care of their families. Or maybe they enjoy it. And 1 bad experience is no need to ruin a restaurant’s reputation by putting your bad experience all over the internet. Speak kindly to the manager if it is truly what you want to do and have a discussion. Remember all customer service type positions are in dyer need of employees right now. Being kind is one way to have an enjoyable experience for you and the employees.
So true and I don't think we can hear it enough! I believe people are expressing dissatisfaction with their own self-perceived place in some kind of imagined caste system and regard anyone offering a necessary service as a kind of temporary servant. As a former waitress, cheesy motel chamber maid, and toast girl/carpet sweeper (yes, that was my title), being around that behavior makes me very uncomfortable.
Thank you for this reminder!
Oops -- I am seeing my comment repeated throughout this section and it is looker lamer and lamer with every viewing -- Is this what you were talking about the other day? Sorry for this!
Yes, that's the issue. But I promise, no one else can see it! It's only you. And it will likely disappear once you refresh the page.
It'll be fixed somewhat soon, I am promised!
Long ago someone said to me: All work has merit. And I've long believed that. I don't care what a person's job is, we show respect for service in our interactions with others.
Aside from it being an issue of good manners and behavior, I genuinely feel respect for people with the various jobs that basically keep our lives going from day to day: the trash people; the delivery people; the repair folks. You get the drift.
I once worked as an aide to the top execs in a fortune 25 company. I made friends with the folks in the mailroom; the IT department; the department that maintained our offices and the building. Why? Well, aside from it being the "right thing" anyone with a brain learned quickly that these people quite literally make the office run and work properly. You could be the CEO and other exec types, but if you treated the support folks with disrespect, they could, very easily make your life very unpleasant.
The smart secretaries treated the support staff as equals in that they were professionals committed to their jobs. The secretaries with attitude (I work for the big shot; just do what I say, when I say. Folks who were often rude and super demainding.) found out that rank means nothing in the "little" things that are part of what makes every day a good one or a problematic one.
It's unfortunate that we live in a world where people who have a so-called "better" job or education or make more money somehow think that makes them a "better" person while others are "below" them.
When I think of how hard daily life is for so many in underpaid jobs with ongoing demands from their bosses and customers, it makes me very sad. Which leads to something else we should do to show respect: As fellow citizens, we should do what it takes to ensure that these individuals get a decent paycheck; healthcare benefits; child care benefits, etc. They should also be heard in terms of their concerns for their health and safety at their workplaces.
You want to show respect? Help those folks get what they need and deserve in their workplaces.
I loved that book! I also worked in sales most of my career. Though I was reasonably well paid and had a lot of autonomy and responsibility, I was always surprised that some people were disdainful, because I was "only in sales". Joke's on them. I FIRE'd at 54 and haven't looked back since.
I've had lots of great experiences because I'm generally nice to people. DH and BFF joke that I'll talk to anyone, and I will, but I really, really struggle with telemarketers, especially obvious scammers. I typically say I hope they are soon able to get a job where they don't have to scam people for a living, because I hate, hate, hate that so many people, especially the elderly, are targeted and victimized by these con artists./End rant.
Where were we? Oh yes, on being nice. Sometimes it's a struggle, sigh.
Agreed!
It’s my personal mission to go out of my way to be extra kind to everyone, especially those who might tend to be treated not as well by the general population.
As I teach my son, kindness is truly the most important quality to have
❤️
Well said! I always try to use the words “please”, “thank you”, and “have a good day”. I feel that I am being respectful of people when I do this.
Love this! More "thoughts provoked by recently read books", please!
One of the things that came up when I was learning about social justice was the concept of scarcity vs. abundance.
Folks who come from a mindset of scarcity tend to live from a culture of fear of loss and the desperate need to protect what you have, because someone else's gain is ONLY ever coming from your loss. The practical result seems to be the need to be rude and demanding of everyone, because if you are kind/generous, someone is going to take advantage of you and take all your stuff/time/money.
Alternatively, living from a worldview of abundance, you can celebrate someone else's gain, in part because you are NOT seeing it as only coming from your loss.
I have also seen the phrase "Hurting people hurt people", which speaks to folks who are unkind to service people because of how they are treated in their daily lives.
I'm not saying that ANYONE ever has the "right" to hurt another human being, but knowing this has helped me have a little compassion for folks who are being unkind when I've worked in service industries.
Nice post. I agree with treating all people with respect, no matter their ""rank"" in society. I work in a hospital and let me tell you, there's a whole lot of hierarchy stuff going on, and it sucks. The doctor will never talk to the PCA, the therapists sometimes look down on the assistants, not many say HI and Thank You to the cleaning staff, etc. I say HI to everyone! Also, OI used to work at a gym and did every position (receptionnist, personnal trainer, day care center, class instructor, human ressources, cleaning) - not all at the same time, but one after the other - and let me tell you : same person, treated very differently by customers depending of my position of the moment. I felt so invisible as a cleaning staff member! But as a personnal trainer and as a receptionnist, people acknowledged me. So weird!