On aging
I recently read Justine Bateman's new book, Face (from the library, naturally).
It's a collection of essays about aging, and the premise is that our faces are not something that needs to be fixed.
She runs in Hollywood circles and was an actress herself, so she is surrounded by people who are extremely likely to think an aging face and body are things that need to be fixed.
And that means her take on this is rather subversive and unexpected.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about aging recently so of course, that made me want to sit down and write about it.
Aging acceptance is the cheapest route
Anti-aging is an enormous industry, and obviously, this industry depends on all of us thinking that we DO need to be fixed as we age.
from the early days of my blog, when my hair was all brown. and also my eyebrows were very skinny!
There are anti-aging options on the low end of the pricing spectrum (hair dye to cover grays) up to the high end (plastic surgery) with plenty in between.
And all of it is unnecessary if we could manage to believe that it is unnecessary*.
I'm not sure a simple focus on frugality is enough to help me resist the urge to intervene in my aging process, though!
*Obviously there are some people who work in jobs where, sadly, it is necessary to remain young-looking. Most of us aren't actresses or models, however.
Why am I thinking about this in my 40s??
I'm only 43 right now and I don't look particularly old for my age, so it might seem odd that I'm even pondering aging at this juncture.
note the gray up at the top there. also: forehead lines.
But I know that as I take more trips around the sun, aging is inevitable, and I think it's better to ponder this ahead of time.
Plus, even though I am in my early 40s, there are plenty of anti-aging things marketed at me, such as Botox (people are getting preventative Botox even in their 20s!), and CoolSculpting.
Also hair dye. Definitely hair dye.
Aaaaand, more than once I have looked back at younger pictures of myself and felt a little sad. I mean, I liked having brown hair!
So. Lots of reasons for me to consider how I think about aging!
I don't think I have to believe that aging is visibly beautiful
A lot of age-positive materials focus on wishing that we could all believe that under-eye bags, wrinkles, and neck waddles are beautiful.
In a similar way, a lot of body-positive content tells me to think things like that stretch marks are beautiful.
I don't know that I really can get with this idea, though. For example, I think my thigh skin did look objectively more beautiful before it was covered in stretch marks from my pregnancies.
(My thigh stretch marks really disprove the people who said, "Oh, you're all belly!" while I was pregnant. Nope. I was pregnant in my thighs too, somehow.)
Most of my thigh stretch marks are up too high to see in shorts. But they are there, promise.
I also think my stomach looked better before it was covered in stretch marks, even though they are all silver by now.
In a similar way, I am pretty sure that I will always prefer my young, no-under-eye-bags look to however my eyes look when I am 80. And trying to say otherwise feels sort of disingenuous to me.
However, I do not think this perspective is necessarily dooming me to a lifetime of sadness about my aging looks.
Here's why:
I don't have to think aging is beautiful. I just need to realize how little it matters.
I am totally not saying I have this concept down pat (which is why I feel iffy about my gray hairs sometimes!)
But I do think there is freedom to be found in really pondering how little my appearance matters and how little value it actually adds.
What really matters? What makes people valuable?
Things like:
- wisdom
- kindness
- humility
- personality
- creativity
- a good work ethic
- responsibility
- life experience
- skills
And if you take a quick mental inventory of the people in your life that you really value, you probably will notice (like me!) that those people's appearance is not what makes them valuable.
I mean, who of us ever said or thought something like, "Oh, I can't wait to hang out with Nicole because she's so beautiful!"
Or, "I really like to visit with my aunt because her skin is so smooth!"
I notice that if what's inside a person is beautiful, then I find typically find their appearance to be endearing even if it's not objectively beautiful.
And the opposite is true if someone's got a pugnacious personality.
So, two things are true:
- I look older than I used to, and this is going to be more true over time
- This "looking older than I used to" is of little significance
What I'm telling myself
Obviously, we live in a culture that tells us the exact opposite: that beauty is what makes people valuable.
So, it is unsurprising to me that I have to regularly re-calibrate my thinking about beauty and aging.
By default, I will tend to think the way the culture wants me to think, so I have to talk to myself! And here's what I say:
- I am valuable because God says I am valuable
- Who I am inside is valuable, no matter what I look like
- I can do valuable things like serving people no matter what I look like
- I can bring a sunny smile and joyful attitude with me regardless of how many wrinkles my smile has
- What I look like is the least interesting thing about me
- The people who truly matter will not care how young or old I look
What I'm trying to surround myself with
While I'm not particularly invested in trying to fall in love with under-eye bags, I do definitely want to help myself see aging as normal.
So, I'm purposely trying to consume some media that normalizes aging; gray hair accounts on Instagram, books like Justine Bateman's, body acceptance social media accounts, and so on.
And I am purposely not consuming things that encourage me to see aging as something to fix.
For example, I avoid plastic surgery Instagram accounts because those have such a tendency to make people see flaws they never even saw as flaws before, such as a gummy smile, which is apparently a thing that can be "corrected".
(I cannot roll my eyes hard enough at this idea, for the reasons I listed in this Instagram post.)
I'm a lifetime member of the gummy smile club
I also don't find it particularly helpful to follow celebrities who are held up as positive aging examples; they are usually held up as positive precisely because they do not show many outward signs of aging.
This just sets up a discouraging standard which will probably lead to personal disappointment when I do not age as well as Paulina Porizkova.
To be determined...
I'm well aware that I'm writing this post from a relatively young place in life. So, I won't truly know how this all works out until later.
(Will my, "Shrug and remember that looks don't matter" philosophy keep helping me?)
I'll need to write an update post in 10 years and 20 years to let you know how my aging acceptance progress is working out!
What do you think? I'd love to chat about beauty and aging with you all, so please share your thoughts in the comments.
P.S. I am not trying to tell YOU how you should handle aging. You all are smart people who can figure out what's best for your particular situation and you do not need judgment from me about that. I'm just sharing how I'm trying to approach this myself.
This is a wonderful post. Probably my favourite one till now.
I have been a regular and avid reader of your blog for the last 5-6 years or so but never dared to comment.
I am from Germany and I am 61 years old.
I never dyed my hair. It is all grey now and as you said - I still like my younger looks better but I am aging - still better than to die young!
Being in good health is really important to me so I keep moving and exercising, I mostly eat healthy food only, except for coffee and water and on very special occasions some champagne, never drink any juice or sodas (luckily I have been never served juice or sodas at home when growing up so I simply never learned to like the taste of it).
Kristen, I might be willing to this interview with you about the why of frugality.
Took me quite some courage to write this post but with your newest post I just had to let you know how much I agree with your line of thinking and handling things.
Pardon my faulty English please.
Lea
Oh, I am so happy that you felt brave enough comment. And I think your English is so good! Ich spreche nicht gut Deutsch. 🙂
I'd love to feature you; I'll send you an email later today with the questions.
@Lea, Ihre Englisch ist super! Wenn Sie dieses Interview mit Kristen haben und etwas in diesem Interview sagen möchte, und Sie vielleicht die richtige Wörter auf Englisch nicht finden können, kann ich gerne helfen!
@Lea,
Your English is 10,000 times better than my German. And my great-grandfather was an immigrant from Germany, so one would think I might have learned at least a little, but no, I only know about 10 words in German.
I believe anti-aging to be an oxymoron......LOL!
@Vicki Skonieczny, Exactly! No matter how tight you pull that skin baby,
that clock keeps on ticking! Enjoy, laugh and let it go. I always tell my husband that compared to Moses, we're doing pretty good. 🙂
Love it!
My father died at the young age of 46, so I've always said that growing old is a privilege.
I turned 40 this year. I won't lie, it was tough on me. I was always the ""young looking one"", and I'm not so much anymore. Wrinkles in the forehead has appear, and a couple gray hair here and there. But.... well...... it's the process linked to being alive and staying alive! I will take wrinkles and gray hair over being dead at 46, thank you very much (sorry for being dark, here...).
I work with seniors and never do I find them "ugly'' for being old. On the contrary. I aspire to grow old without clinging to the concept of ""looking young"" at all cost. I don't understand this fixation on "looking young" actually. Nothing wrong with looking the age you are. I won't fill my face with Botox and I won't coat my hair with dye, and I won't wear outfits meant for 20 years old girls, because this is not me. I'm not judging those who needs this to feel better : to each their own. I personally am working on the mindset of getting older in acceptance of the physical changes that this brings.
@isa, Love your post. My mom died when she was 47 so maybe I have a different take on aging than friends. I don't sweat my wrinkles or weight gain or the gray hairs. I understand that not everyone gets to experience aging, and that's so sad.
I just posted about aging and trying to deceive oneself about it. So many people want to be thought of as being younger than they actually are, but there's something so beautiful about people who are older and continue to improve themselves and become even better as they age. Nothing screams "Desperate!" like a fifty-something year old, telling people she's 29, or pouting because someone asked if she qualifies for a senior discount. (Um, yes, please to the discount!) I'm happy to be alive and want to be an even better version of myself next year! Here's to growing older with grace!
@Lorinda,
I always tell everyone (if they ask) exactly how old I am. Because I'm not ashamed or embarrassed at being my age. I can't stand people who lie about it.
Believe me, middle aged women are kind of considered a joke in society--I've even had my memoir proposal turned down because I'm too old to be relatable, ha!--but the only answer to that is to keep on being honest and kickass as we age.
@Rose, That's awful! (the turndown for the memoir proposal) - what a dumb reason, did the editor think there are no people your age, or people who are going to eventually be your age and might want to hear about your experiences?
Ridiculous.
And then there's people in their late 20's writing memoirs, and all I can think is "you haven't lived enough years to attach the word "memoir" to what you're writing!"
That is awfully silly; wouldn't most people who have enough life to write a memoir be, by definition, not spring chickens??
Like you, I'm still in my early 40s--working on 42 this year--so I'm coming at this from a relatively young age. But it's funny that I have actually never in the least cared about getting older. I haven't yet had a birthday that sent me into a spiral of aging dread. I don't wear makeup (mostly because I never learned how . . .). I don't dye my hair. I've never seriously "dieted." (hich means I am definintly not at my high school weight, but I'm also still at a healthy weight. I do have to watch the sugar and carbs, though, because those will literally make me sick).
I just don't care, I guess. Never have.
The only thing that concerns me about getting older is my body not working as well as it needs to. But that's probably because I lead a pretty physical life, so any sort of physical decline will impact my activities significantly. It hasn't happened yet, though, so I'll just keep tending my tomatoes as the gray hairs multiply. 🙂
When my daughter was in her late teens she said to me: "When you get older those little lines around your eyes are going to make you look like you are smiling all of the time. That makes me so happy!" Well that gave me a whole new perspective! No Botox for me!!!
I refer to myself as low maintenance, because I wash my face with whatever is handy (dish soap, whatever), never buy cosmetics except an occasional lipstick, don't use skin cream or eye cream, and so on. But I do dye my hair (I am 56 and don't have too much gray, but I don't like it) and get Botox on my forehead. Not to look younger but to look BETTER. And not to impress anyone else, because I don't care about that, but to make me happier. I like the way my hair looks better dyed--just like I like the way it looks when I get a haircut (which I only do twice a year or so, because lazy and low maintenance)--and I like not walking around with a squinty frown on my face all the time.
Re aging: I like to wear dresses, and ever since I've turned fifty, I now have to evaluate each dress for age appropriateness, even though I tend to think I look youngish for my age. I tend to like vintage styles, etc, and now and then I've put on something new and thought, "Nope. Mutton dressed as lamb. Needs to go back." Ah well!
I'm the same age as you (43 next month) and my hair is still brown for some reason! I've always wanted purple hair but I don't want to bleach it so I decided when it goes grey I'll use one of those color-depositing conditioners, but it is still stubbornly hanging on to the brown.
The part of aging that does make me sad is not being able to do things I used to do, that I really enjoy. The time of Covid has taken a HUGE toll on my body and I'm struggling to get back to where I was, which is only made more difficult by really starting to feel my age.
@Candace, that’s a great idea - rock the purple 🙂
This is something I've thought a lot about recently. I started going gray at 18... and I've been dying my hair for about 15 years. I just had my first baby and am considering trying to transition out of the dyed hair, but it's a long, slow, and rather daunting process. And, also, I'm not sure if I'll really like being all gray while my friends are still finding their first gray hairs...
@Emily U., Silver-to-platinum hair coloring has been trendy for the past few years—several friends and acquaintances in their twenties have done it—so you could dye your hair all at once and see how you feel about it. If you don’t like it, you can blame the trend, dye it back, and worry about making the transition another time. If you do like it, then you can just keep it that way for free! 😉
I'm almost 53, so I have a few years on you 🙂 My philosophy is to take care of my body the best that I know how; sunscreen, healthy food, no smoking, exercise, etc. The rest is left up to the genetic lottery. Would I feel differently if I were unlucky in that lottery - if I had wrinkles or many aches and pains? Probably.
Seeing my parents aging painfully due to lifestyle decisions they didn't necessarily understand the implications of earlier is heartbreaking . I concentrate much more now on how I will function and live than on how I will look. Keeping the corpus limber, mobile and healthy is my goal.
@Sara, I am turning 50 this year and my focus too is on feeling and function rather than looks—I sleep more, eat well, exercise, and laugh more. I swam from the island of Alcatraz to San Francisco in June. It was an incredible accomplishment and I am delighted that my 50s and beyond will remain active because I chose to be active. What I appreciate the most about aging is the confidence I did not have in my 20-30s.
@Diana,
What an accomplishment!!!!! Not an easy thing to do regardless of age. Curious to how many miles that is? However, I imagine the currents were challenging.
I don't look my age but I do have a hard time with aging. I am actively working on it by improving my attitude and upping my physical activity to keep my body strong. Disclosure: I dye my hair, color deposit only/no bleach, because I loathe grey hair on me. Is a personal thing. If I live to be eighty, I'll look back on my present age with a different perspective for sure. Cutltures that show more respect for their older citizens are spot on. I wish that this country did more of this and had less of the toxicity that youth must be revered to the cost of all else.
I always looked young for my age ( genetics -- my dad was and my oldest daughter is the same way) so it was a little disconcerting when I found I was no longer thought to be several years younger than my actual age, but the silver hairs, undereye circles and crepey neck skin kind of give my age away, ha!
One of my siblings dyes her hair - we two others do not. I don't judge anyone for coloring his/her hair. But - I never liked the color of my adult hair - I was a drab "dishwater" blonde/brown, so the silver that is filling in actually thrills me - it's the best hair color I've had in many years.
I use a night cream that is "anti-aging," so I'm no purist here, but I don't plan to go further than that to prevent aging. I think health, fitness, growth, faith and mental acuity are the things I want to work hard on, rather than a youthful appearance. In fact, I personally know a few people who actually improved in looks as they aged.
My mother had Bell's Palsy when I was a teen, and her face never recovered, but remained drooped on one side the rest of her life. She was just as good a person after that as she was before it happened. Our value is not in how we look.
Great post, Kristen!
Wonderful post!
I am 45 and have been having the same thoughts (and hair conflict) for a few years now. My grandmother used to say in response to people bemoaning getting older that, "It's better than the alternative!" which I love and is now my philosophy.
I am just now finishing up a FANTASTIC book called Successful Aging by Daniel J. Levitin (a neoroscientist). It discusses the science, lifestyle habits and philosophical aspects of aging successfully. I highly recommend it (and found it at my library).
If we are using 50 as the median here, I am long past that age. Somewhere around 50 my hair started to change and it was multi-colored. Through (coworker) peer pressure, I dyed it for a very short period of time (using home dye); it was too time consuming; and keeping up with roots where the hair parted was especially annoying. (I can't imagine spending the day and the money at the hairdressers on a monthly basis for this.) The lifestyle that some people lead prematurely ages their skin, i.e. too much sun without protection, too much alcohol, smoking, and usage of other inappropriate items. If one dresses for their age and body shape (male or female), they will look beautiful, feel beautiful, and feel good to the point that they will make others feel good. (For me, the jury is out on what Botox is going to do for the rest of the body.)
OK, I'm old. 72 years old. Not really old, like 80, but definitely old. My joints and muscles feel old. BUT, I hope that as I'm aging, I'm becoming a better, more genuine person. My mother always told us girls that "Pretty is as pretty does", meaning you are only as pretty as your inward character. Pretty true, isn't it...
As for cosmetic assistance in eliminating the aging process, really, if something bothers you enough to make your self-esteem plummet, there are many ways, from less to more expensive, to make it better. And that's OK, too ! But, after all, aging is NORMAL If we live long enough, we look different ! I call all my surgical scars "battle scars" because I made it through another medical battle.
I often think of my friends and family who have already passed on, and I realize that aging is a gift. We are not all given that gift, so I am cherishing every birthday and
hoping to have many more. My looks are secondary. My mind stays young.
I too am 43 and am very appreciative of this post.
I am in the camp that believes aging, wrinkles, gray hair...the whole bit is a privilege. In my humanity it is not always pleasant to have more aches than I did in my 20's, lower back pain, stretch marks from carrying my son or a myriad of other things. But I often think to myself how many others wish they had the chance to see 43 let alone live well up to that age? My maternal grandmother died long before I was born and I never had the chance to meet her. She was 43 when she died of lymphoma, left 6 children behind and was very ill for several years before she passed. Perhaps it is this fact that puts the whole aging thing into deeper perspective for me. I can't say that I don't think about the days when 4 hours sleep was sufficient, energy was endless, there were no gray hairs, and I literally could jump out of bed in the morning BUT I appreciate the wisdom I have now. I appreciate the days that I have and have a healthy respect for the fact that we aren't promised tomorrow. Aging is a gift. And I plan to appreciate it as much as I can for as many years as God allows.
This is another interesting topic..,
I am quickly approaching 60 and have found that every age and every stage of life brings its own special gifts. I believe in taking care of your mind, your heart and your body through proper diet, exercise and healthy, happy pursuits. There is is no special formula for how to approach this. We are all individuals.
I personally choose to eat a low carb, veggie rich diet. I exercise daily. I don’t drink or smoke, but I do occasionally enjoy ice cream. I dye my hair and have straightened my teeth a second time, but have not had any cosmetic procedures. After all, the wrinkles will go where the smiles have been. (Jimmy Buffett)
I'll be 63 soon and I don't love looking older but my body still works well. I have friends that are younger that can't get up off the floor whereas I regularly practice yoga and Pilates on a mat. One thing I dislike is the way the skin changes, not so much the wrinkles but the thinning which means it is damaged and can become infected more easily by everyday life (pulling weeds without gloves on is one example). That also leads me to believe that there is deterioration inside me of a similar scope. I am trying to age gracefully by being active, eating well, getting enough sleep, not becoming stressed, and surrounding myself with people and activities (as much as an introvert can handle).
I don't feel old generally and I think that declining eye sight is a blessing and a curse. The blessing is not seeing as well how you and others look.
I am 53. I've had four kids and my stretch marks bear witness to that. I was so thin when I first got pregnant and I had BIG babies. My stretch marks are crevices in some places but they are also proof that my body grew and delivered four babies. I have never been bothered by them, although they do preclude me from wearing teeny tiny bikinis. LOL!
I colored my hair for nearly 25 years. In October 2019, I decided I was done wasting money (!!!!) and time and brain power on my hair. I took the plunge and--because I have very short hair and we were in lockdown for most of the next year-- the transition was fairly easy for me. And, I will say I LOVE my silvers! I get complimented on them almost daily, and I wonder why I waited so long. However, it has to be something YOU are ready to do. I, for one, think your hair is just lovely!
Regarding aging, my philosophy is this: I am going to be thankful for every day/year/gray hair I get. Aging is a privilege and gift many people don't have. Thanks, Kristen!
This is one of the best posts I´ve read! I enjoy all your posts but this one hit the nail on the head for a lot of us I think.
I just turned 60 less than a month ago & it´s definitely on my mind. In general I figure aging is better than the alternative, but it´s still something we need to learn to live with. My parents both passed young, (57 & 58) & both had been healthy & had young appearances. Genetically I am pretty fortunate. A little gray hair & I´ve gained weight. Your comments on how society envisions aging are spot on. I am very interested in reading the Justine Bateman book now! I liked her as an actress when I was much younger.
Thanks for tackling this issue head on!
1. I am 72 but didn't start graying until into my 60s, I do dye my hair. I just like the brown better.
2. I have always dressed rather conservatively and am horrified a great deal of the time at modern fashions that are not only worn by young women, but women of all ages. This includes low cut tops and second-skin pants. But I don't know if they are doing it to look young.
3. I wear some eye make up and probably always will. I really look pale and terrible without it.
4. Regarding face lifts. I can think of three people that I know who had them. My sister in law did indeed look somewhat younger. My neighbor looked exactly the same, not a bit different. My classmate from high school looks absolutely terrible. Her skin is stretched back so tightly that it is obvious what she has done. I know of two other women who constantly get surgery on all parts of their bodies. One is in her sixties and one in her seventies. They are both single and lonely for companionship. I want to tell them that more surgeries are not going to make this more likely to happen, but I do not.
5. I DO know that "aging gracefully" is a joke in the work place. When you are trying to find a job as a middle-aged woman, especially being hired by men, your chances get smaller and smaller as you get older.
@Anne,
I agree with your #5. I started to write a post about it, but I'm working so hard on not complaining right now. When I turned 54, I was younger than all of my superiors at my workplace. A new superintendent was appointed, and within 4 months, I was older than almost every one of my bosses. It was jarring. Now only younger staff are promoted. I've accepted this, but I'm working even harder on dying my hair, working out, staying energetic. I'm just trying now not to stand out as old.
@Anne, Yep on #5, at our workplace if you don't look like you just stepped off a Paris runway you are not getting hired.
I no longer color but my hair is still not fully gray. I do wear makeup every day as my foundation has sunscreen in it. My age does not bother me.
I feel a lot of aging has to do with mind set. As I'm now almost 65 (hallelujah Medicare) I can say age didn't used to bother me at all - turning 60 was hard, those decade years. Now I'm just thankful I can be as active as I really want to and figure that the hubs & I need to travel as much as we can while we're still mobile. There is one option to aging. On the exterior side, a lot is determined by genes. If you had family who lived into their 90s and still looked good, you probably will also. My family looks good we just get white hair early and I've been glow-in-the-dark white since I was in my 40s. Each of us needs to be thankful for each day the Lord gives.
I'm not worried about looking old as much as I am of being old, if that makes sense. I blame it on the fact that my days of youth weren't all that great and the fact that a lot of the things I enjoy are kind of frowned upon more as you get older (the approved hobbies for an adult man are pretty much limited to a few hobbies like building stuff or following sports it seems.)
@Battra92, my husband runs into the some challenge regarding hobbies. I don't know how to help, but I think it's silly society thinks it's good or ok to dictate what people's interests should be.
@Battra92,
Perhaps it is because I live in Florida - home of the retiree -but please don’t put an age limit on enjoying yourself. I know many middle age people who swim and bike as well as play golf, tennis and pickle ball. They play in sports leagues, surf, ride skateboards, kayak, long distance hike, ski, perform in bands, do beach yoga, play volleyball, run, fish, hunt, brew their own beer, garden and so much more. Keeping your mind and body active is an important part of aging well.
I love this post! I'll be hitting the big 4-oh early next year and am just starting to see a few grays. When my Mom would pluck hers (or dye them) I told her to wear them proud, you earned them! I admit it's a bit harder now that the shoe's on the other foot, but I still tell myself that. I earned them (mostly due to my two kids under 5). And I will never try botox or stuff for face wrinkles. I already have little "crow's feet" by my eyes, but I know I got those from so many laughs and smiles! Those are worth it for sure 😀 😀 😀
I started going gray at 31, immediately after a medical emergency almost claimed my husband at 36. I often joke that 2/3 of the gray is from the initial scare, and 1/3 is from hours on the phone with insurance, but anyway! We also joke that I went gray and he went bald simultaneously. The combination of stress and meds caused his beautiful mid-back length hair to start falling out dramatically. He accepted the change ("I don't want to look like 'miscellaneous creepy guy'") and shaved his head, which makes his lovely eyes standout just as much as his long hair did. I likewise chose to embrace my incoming gray, not the least because I'm comically low-maintenance--never dyed my hair, cut it myself, and so on.
In the handful of years since, I've enjoyed studying the reactions of people. With silver-to-platinum hair dye being trendy, many think my gray streaks purposeful highlights in my otherwise auburn hair and ask where I get it done. When I say it's natural, they wonder why I *don't* dye it! Puzzled strangers and new friends ask my age, as I look considerably younger than 38 thanks to genetics (both sides of the family have portraits in the attic), but the gray throws it off. The questions could be viewed as nosy or rude, but I find them genuinely amusing.
Since I've never been on trend, either by fashion or face (my husband loves my "1940s face," and that's good enough for me), I'm content to just keep being my oddball self. My gray is both a part of me and a callback to a VERY formative event. Honestly, I never mind my own hair... but I do sometimes miss my husband's long mane. However, him being bald means he's still here, and I'll take that trade!!! Health matters more than aesthetics, and I deeply wish that media emphasized health over fear of time. The latter can't be helped, but the former can--and the earlier, the better!
Such a great perspective! I'm a few years older than you, so I can definitely relate. If I'm feeling negative about my body, I sometimes remind myself of the things I have done- places my legs have carried me, people my arms have held, etc. That helps me stay more positive.
Love this post!!
Great post!! I’m 51 and embrace the aging process. I don’t mind the gray hair - kind of wish it would just all come in and be done. LOL until then, I have my stylist blend it with highlights. Hubby says my gray makes him laugh - that he’s doing his job to give me the gray. Haha. I know very young girls who are already going to get fillers and Botox - girls half my age! That’s not for me. I’ll use my SPF, vitamins and supplements before I do needles. That’s just me though. One of my favorite parts of aging is letting go of the things that made me fret in my younger days. Do I care if everyone likes me? No. Do I speak my mind (politely)? Yes. Am I concerned about opinions of others? Much less! Here’s my #1 aging favorite - I became a grandmother last year. It is such a joy to watch our granddaughter grow and learn - she’s a blessing.
Lovely post!
I personally think your gray-ish hair is beautiful. I also think smile wrinkles around eyes are beautiful, mostly because it means that the person has smiled enough that it's ingrained in the face. People who have those kind of wrinkles have chosen joy time and time again, and I aspire one day to be one of those people.
This is coming from a 34 year-old, so maybe when I'm older, I'll feel differently. But I really don't think I will, at least about facial features and hair, since I've always really admired older people. And maybe that's why gray/white/lighter hair and wrinkles don't intimidate me as much: I've known so many beautiful souls that are older, and these people have offered much wisdom and joy to me. I want to be that kind of person, and so maybe I want to look like them, too.
@Kaitlin,
Beautiful reply. What a wonderful way of putting it. I know of many older, beautiful souls too. ♥♥
This is such a great post, Kristen. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on aging! I am also 43, and I have always looked rather young for my age. People comment on it all the time (although less now than they used to - ha!), which makes me a little uncomfortable because it is hard to control how young or old we look. It's not something I could ever really take credit for! Ultimately, I think hearing that my whole life has made aging a bit more difficult because it seems unexpected now somehow. It also reminds me how important it is to complement people on the things that matter much more than their looks!
In the spirit of accepting getting older (and of frugality!), I have decided not to dye my hair, get Botox, or anything else of that nature. It is reassuring to hear you say the same thing because this doesn't seem to be the norm among my group of friends, or society for that matter! I also appreciate that my husband does not want me to do any of those things and is very supportive of accepting how I will look as I age - I feel very blessed to have his support in this area.
I think one of the most difficult things about all of it is just watching and feeling my body change and feeling like I have no control over it. I am experiencing many symptoms of peri menopause, and I just don't feel as young and spry as I used to. Like you, I also don't love the physical changes I see in the mirror when I look at my hair and skin. But, I try to find hope in having a good diet, exercising, and trying to have a good attitude (most of the time) about it all!
Thank you again for posting about this topic and for your honesty!
Ah. Welcome to my world -- DECADES ago, I pulled a quote that became a happy refrain: John, the loving husband, in “Calendar Girls” tells his wife, Annie, that “. . . the last stage of the flower is most glorious.” Sweet wisdom to any woman who passed middle age a decade or so ago! Humbly sharing a link: https://autumns-garden.com/outlining-a-life/
Question. Why are your thoughts on skincare? Would you pay for skincare products to prevent and reduce aging? I am in that quarry myself. Thanks!
@Ashley Stanley,
I think it's baloney and doesn't help. Your skin ages and develops wrinkles because it loses collagen, not because it's dry. I personally think the best thing to do with skin is leave it alone (unless you have acne (which I still do at just 56 and 3 years past menopause--I mean, seriously?) or eczema or something.
Boy, I don't know. It seems like I hear conflicting information about what helps and what doesn't, and what might actually be harmful.
I have pretty oily skin, so I have not needed to do much in the way of moisturizing. But in the last year, I tried Cerave lightweight daily moisturizing lotion for some dry spots that crop up in the winter; it's inexpensive, but it's highly recommended by dermatologists, and it does seem to make my skin look better.
Skincare products to help keep skin healthy are fairly inexpensive, not invasive, and have pretty low risk levels. So, to me that's in a pretty different category than, say, a full face lift.
@Ashley Stanley,
Check out Dr. Dray on YouTube. She's a board certified dermatologist and she gives excellent advice on skin care .... and not just for your appearance! Personally, I love the CeraVe skin care line. Especially the night cream.
At 45, I feel no need to hide or lie about my age. I am not always thrilled by what I see in the mirror - it catches me off guard sometimes that this is what I look like now. In my mind I'm much younger. But I'm ok with it too. The gray hair, the different skin texture, the not-so-firm belly...it's just what I look like now and one of the best parts of aging has been my own self acceptance. I've spent a lifetime beating myself up for my imperfections. It's all good as long as *I* am comfortable with it.
I think the part that has been harder for me to accept is that my body doesn't rebound the way it used to - it takes longer to heal, I feel aches and pains that never existed before, I get tired. I remember not really understanding what that felt like. I certainly know now! And of course, my body doesn't lose weight as easily as it used to. This has been harder to accept - that I have less control than I used to.
I've also become more aware of how a lot of my perspectives are "old school." So I'm always trying to negotiate where I stand and where I need to embrace a newer way of thinking. I find it interesting and am learning some self awareness.
PERFECT POST.
Today is the very last day of my forties! I am accepting all aspects of aging ( trying!). Aging is a privilege. My dearest friend died At 23!
Wonderful post by a beautiful lady and I LIKE your grey hairs!
I’m of the mindset that aging (getting older) is a privilege that people are blesssed with. However, if you want to do cosmetic procedures Large to small or anywhere in between it is your choice since it is your body. I’m Turing the big 3-0 this year and while most would say that I’m young it’s really hard to face that I won’t be in my 20s anymore. I work in a very public facing job so looking good is very important to me because it helps with my confidence. It was hard when COVID started because I had really bad mask acne but I did something about it. Some people would/may choose to do nothing but it bothered me and affected my self confidence. I also have this thing where I like to always have my toe nails painted. I don’t like nail salons so I take care of them my self so it’s pretty frugal and makes me feel more put together. Some of my hairs have turned silver/gray but not that many for now. I don’t know if I will dye it when the time comes but if I do it will be for me and myself confidence not because society or someone else tells me too.
To borrow loosely from Bruce Lee, take what works for you and discard the rest.
I'm 46 and I like how I look with a touch of makeup, I like how my dyed hair warms up my face, I wear earrings when I feel like it, I want to save my money to live a good life with my best friend (my husband), I'm not remotely interested in spending it on plastic surgery. Everyone has a different opinion when it comes to art and that's what we are, works of art.
Kristen, you make an excellent point about wanting to spend time with someone because they are warm, kind, funny, etc. not because they are beautiful and have the smoothest skin. I had a friend growing up that would take FOREVER to get ready to go out and then, once we were out, she'd spend half the time in the bathroom checking her makeup/outfit. It drove me crazy and I hated going out with her because of it.
Confidence is beautiful so do what makes you feel confident. Ageing is glorious as the older you get the more confident you get. Accentuate what you love.
Two years ago, I would have responded differently to this idea of aging and how appearance can play into it. I am now 54 years old and have dyed my hair since I was 15, but during the pandemic, I re-evaluated many things and the hair dye was one thing that was evaluated and didn't make the cut. Although I loved the color when it was dyed, there was so much focus and attention on it--was the color fading (auburn, so it faded quite often), was I able to get the color I wanted (finding box hair color during COVID was challenging at times), did I have time to color it, were the shampoo and conditioner okay for my hair color, but not aggravating my scalp (mostly it was one at the sacrifice of the other). So, earlier this year, I decided to say goodbye to the hair dye and am growing out my very grey roots, and for the most part, I'm okay with it. It's still a shock to look into the mirror and see my hair so grey (and I got it cut short to cut out most of the color), but my hair and scalp are healthier then they've ever been, the curl is beginning to come back significantly and it's getting longer. Everyone on Zoom meetings tells me they love my hair.
Over the past several years, I've made physical plans for aging in place while I still can, and have done things like installed grab bars in the bathroom (especially after a shoulder operation several years ago--that had nothing to do with age!--meant I had limited mobility in doing things like safely getting in and out of the shower, or going to the bathroom).
The best thing about getting older is the older I get, the less I care about stuff like stretch marks or wrinkles, or honestly, what other people think about me. My shift of what is important has changed and it really has nothing to do with how old one appears or doesn't appear. You have to do what makes you truly happy and be a good person, and that is the most beautiful of all.
I was never really pretty and the isolated boarding school I went to did not allow things like make up and hair dye, nor were we allowed to see magazines or watch any television other than the nightly news. Thus, I left high school somewhat immune to things like stylish clothing and back then Alaska was out of the loop when it came to style; we used to get our TV programs flown up on tape from Seattle so we'd see everything a day after everyone else (including news!). And then once I got a catastrophic illness, the fact that I survived really made aging worries irrelevant; what I lost in mobility and feeling good are what I grieved, not what I looked like. Also, my husband has really deep and noticeable scars all over his body as a result of many, many cancer surgeries, and I see those with gratitude for the doctors who saved him even when he was thought to be beyond help---his looks are irrelevant to me and I know that he feels the same about my scars. Having someone who for 37 years has consistently given me the message that to him I am pretty and loved trumps any messages the society is giving me.
@Lindsey, Love this - beautiful!
@Lindsey, as usual, you put things in perspective, especially for me. I'm in a "similar but different" place because of where I am now in life: Although DH and I are both in relatively good physical health and look younger than our actual ages (72 and almost 66), we are both way beyond caring what we look like: DH because of his Alzheimer's, and me because I'm still coping with caregiver burnout. Seriously, folks, I just don't have the energy to fret about every new wrinkle.
That said, I do still have a few vestiges of feminine vanity left. Although I have never colored my hair (and am in fact enjoying the graying process) and haven't willingly worn cosmetics since high school, I do buy good shampoo/conditioner and occasionally slap some moisturizer on the neck and under the eyes. For all of us, to each her (or his) own.
This is exactly the way of thinking I try to promote too Kristen. It's hard because my mom keeps living the life that the older she gets, the more she needs to cover up. And I understand that we think the changes aren't beautiful.
But what if we change our perspective, and look at these marks, wrinkles and grey hair as beautiful?? It's all a mindset, right??
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle
PS...Confession, I am working on a post about how to cover up and items that help, LOL. Not because I believe in it per se, but sometimes I know it takes baby steps to embrace the aging details.
PPS...I've heard the term "pro aging" and think that it's perfect!!
I’m glad I feel the same as you do. Granted I’m older than you ( by 15 years) and my grey is just starting to show up but I have no plans on dying it. One of my young friends (only 26!!) already get Botox shots in his forehead! I was blessed with my mother’s skin so few wrinkles yet and dare I say it- no stretch marks even after 3 kids. But I’m more concerned with the new aches and pains than my looks. Work out to keep in shape because that’s what really matters. A beautiful face on a sick person who didn’t take care of the inside isn’t worth it.
Signed, amoeba pizza lady
Yeah, I have to admit that when I heard about people getting preventative Botox in their 20s, I had an, "Oh no! I probably should have done that. Now I am going to look older than everyone else!" moment.
I remember feeling that way when breast augmentations became super popular, in the early 2000s. I started to wonder if I was going to eventually be the only person out there without a boob job. But that has not turned out to be the case. So, I trust that there will be other wrinkled people out there with me too. Ha.
I appreciate this post as well. I'm 65 and in pretty good shape. I consider myself low maintenance as well. I have 5 adopted children, so my body hasn't gone through a pregnancy - hence, my weight has only fluctuated maybe 5 - 7 pounds throughout my life so far. Up until 6 months ago, I haven't paid to have my hair colored. I do now because my hair isn't greying a ton, but is a muddy dark brown. I WISH it would grow out a pretty grey. So I'm trying to help it along. I do wear makeup, but it also has sunscreen in it - and I largely thrift shop my clothing. My sister (who I love dearly) tans, does liposuction, microbladed her eyebrows, plus hair highlighting - so I tease my hubs and remind him occasionally about my low maintenance. It all goes back to priorities, goals, and values. Well said, Kristen!
I dyed my hair when I started going gray and undoing that was worse than not doing it in the first place. I'm 73 years old now and my gray hair is beautiful! I don't have a lot of wrinkles; my theory is I didn't stretched my skin by applying makeup every day. I did wear makeup for a bit and I remember how I would pull skin one way or another to apply it smoothly. How can that be good for it?
I had my children somewhat later in life - at 35 and 36 1/2. I’ll admit it hurt when they were little and people thought my husband and I were their grandparents! My husband is 12 years older than I am and at 74, his hair is still 90% black with silver tips like a grizzly bear! People ask if we met in college (nope) so I tell myself it’s because he looks young not that I look old. I did stop coloring my hair about 10 years ago and it’s now all silver and white. I like it and I receive many compliments from teens and twenty somethings. Women around my age call me “brave” for not coloring my hair Saying they could “never” do it. My issue with my aging body is the toll menopause in my late 40s and a total hysterectomy in my 50s took. The loss of collagen from my skin and joints is obvious. HRT is not recommended at my age. I am spending money to get my teeth bleached and old discolored composites replaced. I admit that being quite overweight ages me too but at my age weight loss is very very difficult. I am happy to be almost 62 and look forward to the rest of my journey
I'm 54 and loving it! When I was younger I bought into the typical objective beauty standards that society pushes on us. As I matured, gaining wisdom and experience, I let go of those beliefs. I do still occasionally wear some makeup, but to enhance my features, not cover them up or alter them. I also cut my hair super short as it's easier to manage, looks good on me and makes me feel more feminine. I used to dye it but became sensitive to all dyes and so I embraced my "platinum highlights" as I like to call them.
Now my idea of beauty is based on a person's character and how they treat others. After all, a pretty jerk is still a jerk!
My mom is a Phd-prepared nurse who has specialized in geriatrics her entire career. (Geriatric from a medical perspective is just anyone 55 and older, so not what we culturally tend to think of as "old"!)
So I've been around aging faces and bodies my entire life. I even spent 18 months working in a nursing home. There were a handful of people in there who were not geriatric, but (shocker, I know) most people definitely were.
My thoughts:
1. Aging is better than the alternative. Seriously. I almost lost a loved one to suicide just last July. I lost a friend to brain cancer when she and I were both 21.
2. Some of us got really good genes. (Kristen, you're one!) My hair is turning silver, not yellow-gray. My skin is pretty smooth for being 39, and while I do have a handful of tiny age spots, given what my mom and grandmas looked like, it's unlikely I'll have a lot of really huge age-related blemishes. This means that it's a LOT easier for me to talk about "aging gracefully" - I literally have to do nothing to my skin, and while it will wrinkle and get a few spots, it will mostly be just fine.
3. What we do in our youth makes a bigger difference in our aging appearance than any potions or surgeries we could possibly do once we get to that age. My mom couldn't tan - her skin just burns. So she always stayed out of the sun. Her sister tanned religiously (hey, it was the late 50's and early 60s!), and has paid for that now that she's in her 70s. My aunts kept themselves active, while my uncles generally didn't (other than my dad). Everyone's roughly the same age (in their mid- to late-60's), and the people that stayed physically active and generally cared for their health throughout their lives are fairing far better than the ones who didn't (and smoked and drink a lot). One of my uncles is 12 years younger than my dad - and looks/moves/acts like he's 12 years older. I cared for older women who had worn high heels all their lives - one even had to have special lifts in her shoes because her Achilles tendon was permanently shortened from the damage done by her shoes.
4. Attitude matters. I've met wrinkled old ladies with more spunk and zest for life than their smooth-skin counterparts who look 20 years younger, but are so caught up in their appearance that they're missing out on living life! (won't go in the pool because it will mess up their makeup, won't go biking because it will mess up their hair, etc.).
I actually love my grays - my hair has always been a kind of boring mid-blonde-brown, stick straight and fine/thin. Gray hair is coarser (easier to style), and mine is coming in faintly wavy/curly!
Thank you for this wonderful post! I agree if everything you've said here. Just one thing to add - when asked how he felt on his birthdays, my grandpa would always say "It's better than the alternative!" In the end, aging is a HUGE blessing!
GREAT post. I have a similar outlook on aging that you have (and I'm the same age-43). I like your focus on the positive-they ARE great reminders.
I also look at my mother, who at 63 proves growing old can still be beautiful. Despite wearing minimal make-up, dressing modestly (but neatly!) and wearing her waist-long beautiful silver/gray au naturel , she still gets a lot of compliments from men and women alike. By far, her most attractive trait is her beautiful personality and kind and giving nature. This draws people to her, not her appearance! She doesn't dwell in her appearance, and is happier for it. I'm so blessed to have such an amazing role model.
Hi Kristen, I'm getting the error message again. Trying again with a smaller comment.
@Sarah G, Okay that worked! I'll try again
Oh, I'm sorry to hear you ran into a problem. If it keeps happening, shoot me a screenshot of the error message and I will send it in to support.
If sleep apnea, etc. accompanies the gummy smile, it’s worth correcting.
My son has a vivos appliance. Corrected his cross bite in 6 months, just wearing it at night.
https://marylandholisticdentist.com/dna-appliance/
Oh, interesting! I didn't know that gummy smiles are sometimes caused by a bite issue. A bite issue definitely seems sensible to address.
Mine is totally a cosmetic thing; my bite is great. And the plastic surgery account on Instagram where I saw this was clipping some part of the skin inside the lip, not correcting the bite, so I'm thinking he's just working on the cosmetic aspect, but he still used the word, "correct", so that's what kinda rubbed me the wrong way.
I confess to coloring my hair (I’m 58) because after chemo it came back a very dark grey instead of my brown with natural auburn highlights. I loved the curls but the new color was a constant reminder of what I had been through and I didn’t feel like me. I also confess to buying expensive bras to help make me more symmetrical after my mastectomy (it’s quite obvious that my right is 58 y.o. and my left is 4.5 y.o.). These two things are superficial but they help me feel confident in going forward and enjoying what’s next.
I use a moisturizer with SPF as I don’t like the greasy feeling of sunscreen on my face. I love my yoga practices for both the physical and mental benefits.
This was a great read, thank you!
I'm annoyed with myself, for folding and starting (salon) hair colouring in 2017, at 32. My frugal self didn't like the $150 every six weeks, and still doesn't. (My partner's ex wife looks great with greys, I think, similar hair to you, actually. Also, he didn't dump her, as if that matters, but it's important that I know that he thought and thinks she's beautiful, she moved on).
In the past weeks, I've been moisturising, due to tight skin in this winter with heating... But the whole cleanse/tone/moisturise is never something I've bought or done. I'm very anti consumer with the beauty industry, which is the sister to the anti-aging brigade.
Overall, I love the truth you bring to this post! THank you
Grow old or die young-ish. 69 and totally ok with all aspects of my life, appearances included. Be beautiful on the inside and you will do well along the pathway of life.
I've always said that I wanted to be a grandma when I grew up, so I wanted to go gray. And my grays don't bother me. But then there are the stretch marks and varicose veins-- products of 7 pregnancies. And the extra difficulty losing weight. And the arthritis in the feet. And lower energy. And thinning hair (much worse than gray!).
And then I saw my mother die. And I'm watching my father age. And I realize that so many people fight against aging because they know it leads to death. As a Christian, I'm okay with death, in my head. But there is the human in all of us that is most definitely not okay with death. We rage against it. And it's normal to do so.
But I think, as we age, we need to make sure we face up to our own mortality, own it, deal with it, whatever. And then move on and enjoy life because, at 45, I just may be only half way through (though nobody in my family has lived past 80 something. . . so probably not). Besides, I want to be a good grandma, not a grumpy and miserable one.
I agree with everything you've said. The good news is that it's much easier to find this kind of encouragement now than it was when I was young.
I'm 55 & have never dyed my hair. It started turning gray in my 30s because it was the most stressful decade of my life..so far, I hope it's never that hard again!
I actually use a shampoo that makes my white hair look whiter...so I guess there is vanity in that.
I think we're all drawn to beauty. It's the way we are made, to enjoy beauty so of course we're drawn to the appearance of youth. But as we age we appreciate the beauty of character much more than the beauty of appearance. And we even encounter those rare people who, though they look old, when we interact with them they are the most beautiful people we know.
Thank you for this post:)
What a great post and approach on the subject. My dad died at 43 from cancer. I'm now 53 and realise how young he was. At 45 I had my first mammogram and it thankfully picked up breast cancer which had spread to my lymph nodes. Obviously my treatment was successful and I'm so grateful I've had another 8 years, and hopefully many more to come (?). So when I look at my grey hairs I remember ageing is a privilege, and even grey hair beats being bald any day. I lost a lot of my stretch marks during my breast reconstruction - kinda miss them. They reminded me I carried 2 beautiful babies. Deteriorating eye sight, creaky joints, 8 years and counting of hot flushes - a small price to pay to still be alive. And I much prefer not being at the mercy of hormones that I endured when I was younger. Menopause, or rather the other side of "the change", can be liberating. It's wonderful seeing women and men who have aged "gracefully" and look beautiful in my eyes, compared to those with obvious plastic surgery or other interventions (did anyone else cringe when they watched the Friends reunion recently)? Each to their own, and ageing doesn't mean not taking care of yourself, but I've earned my grey hairs and wrinkles - I'm going to revel in them. (From a chilly Auckland, New Zealand)
This ("I don’t have to think aging is beautiful. I just need to realize how little it matters") is genius - thank you, Kristen. Something that is important for me to remember is how very fortunate I am to have the opportunity to age. I lost a very dear friend 5 years ago, and she would have given anything to keep living - with her "wobbly bits" (as she called them) and all. I try to be non-judgemental about people choosing to invest in anti-aging options but draw the line at ads that tell me I NEED to as well.
I have changed my perspective in recent years. I don't want to look younger ... I want to look good regardless of my age. To me, that means trying to be as healthy as I can be, inside and out. Healthy eating and exercise are a big part of that, as is taking care of my emotional and spiritual health. Keeping my brain active counts, too. Practicing kindness. Laughing and having fun with friends and family. All of these are the best way to keep a youthful spirit, from my standpoint.
That being said, I DO look for clothing that suits my figure, I DO try to find hairstyles that frame my face well, I DO use a demi permanent hair color, I DO follow dermatologist advice for keeping my skin in good condition, and I DO wear makeup in what I hope is a tasteful manner. These things make me feel better about myself and if I'm more confident that I look tidy and attractive, I find it easier to concentrate on the rest!
When your parents suddenly become old, you realize how little external aging really does matter.
I think if you don't mind the upkeep of dying your hair brown, you should dye it. I've always highlighted my hair, and I love the way my hair styles and performs when colored. I will continue to color my hair indefinitely (I'm 50). It will have nothing to do with my age. My mom still dyes her hair brown at the age of 73. She just likes the way it looks. Hair is an accessory. Enjoy it!
I see nothing wrong with doing things that make you look/feel less tired or put a pep in your step. I see all of these beauty products/treatments and think of deserts. Some eat WAY too many. Some eat none at all (and frankly might benefit by having a treat every now and then). : )
See, that's the problem; I think I would hate the upkeep. lol I can barely be bothered to paint my toenails when the polish grows out, so I'm thinking I would do a terrible job of keeping up with my roots!
Thank you for this post! Your perspective is refreshing and thought provoking. I’m also a member of the gummy smile club! I’m nearing 40 and I have started praying to age gracefully. Also, considering growing out my gray hair.
I love this post. I grew up blonde and until about 35, was still blonde. Then my hair started turning brown so I colored it (at home, with an amazing $12 color). I'm 45 now. So, when covid started in March 2020, I decided to stop coloring and see where my grays and brown landed. Well, I loved the gray but hated the brown (it just didn't look right with my skin tone and my 45 year history of being blonde). So, I was torn.
(Sidenote, every Friday night, a few friends and I have a Happy Hour over Zoom so they've seen my hair color changes).
Well, a week ago I decided to color my hair again. I messaged my girl friends and got reactions like "Finally!" and "It's about time!" That was totally disappointing. Apparently my appearance does matter to them? Ugh, what a bummer!!
Makes me wonder what they thought of me when I was 25 pounds heavier. Ugh.
Longtime reader since maybe 2014ish and first time commenter because I want to thank you for bringing up the topic about aging and body acceptance on your blog.
I agree with a lot of your points and wanted to add that maybe you can talk about the prevention or delaying of aging in the area of physical fitness because it helps us remain mobile as we grow older?
Currently, I live in an area with many senior citizens and I noticed that their gait is unstable and when I brought that up to my mom's doctor, he suggested lifting weights, swimming, and other exercises to prevent muscle loss and deterioration.
I enjoyed all the perspectives from the readers. I am 57 but everyone assumes I am younger because I had my kids later in life at 36 and 41. We were really able to enjoy ourselves and were more financially stable so I was able to quit work to stay at home with the kids. I had breast cancer at 47 and when I had my reconstructive surgery, after a preventative mastectomy on the non cancer site, I actually went down in cup size so that I would never have to wear a bra again, silver lining. I was also scared because the kids were 6 and 11 and I wanted to do everything I could to be around for them. I told them they could pull my hair out after chemo started but they started pulling it immediately, lol. My hair was blonde and straight but came back dark and curly after chemo and the gray is of course more noticeable in dark hair so it's all a trade off. I'm from Germany and my grandmother lived through both world wars and had my mother in 1941 while her husband was in a prison camp because he wouldn't give his factory to Hitler so aging is indeed a privilege. My grandmother used a skin cream and colored her hair but that was all she did. She lived to be almost 100 and I believe that I got her good genes. I try to eat healthy, thanks to my Omi's teaching me to cook plus all the "real" food that is the norm in Europe and keep up with my physical health. I do all my doctor follow up visits to stay on top of my health.
As far as cosmetics I wear some eye makeup and light lipstick when I go out but only if I feel like it because my husband says I look beautiful no matter what, which makes aging so much easier. I think growing up in another country gave me a different perspective because so many families are multi-generational and the elders are definitely respected. I try to let my 16 year old daughter know that she is beautiful as she is but if she wants to wear makeup because it makes her feel pretty that's ok too. Just be sure to wash your skin to keep it healthy. My 21 year old son is very comfortable in his skin, but men always seem to have it easier, lol. I think everyone is different and should do what makes them feel good about themselves and others shouldn't judge. After cancer every day is a bonus and I intend to enjoy as many as I get no matter what I look like physically.
At 60 years old, I have found that
1. Wrinkles don’t bother me as much because I realized that they prove that I’ve done a lot of living, loving & laughing.
2. Gray hair doesn’t bother me either, now that I let my colored portion grow out over the last 1 1/2 years. I actually love my gray color!
3. Maybe I can’t do everything I used to do, but I can still do a lot of things.
4. Hearing my granddaughter say, “I love you, Nonna”, makes me glad that I am old enough to have her in my life.
5. Every stage of life so far has brought continued blessings & joy. It’s a wonderful life, no matter what my age is.
I am 73, and , objectively, was pleasant looking as a young woman rather than beautiful. This makes accepting my aging appearance easier, as I never felt that much of my value rested in my appearance anyway. I would like to retain my youthful appearance, if it didn’t cost me time and money, but just don’t mind enough to spend much of either on it. I wear simple clothes in colours that I think suit me, in classic styles that don’t date, and buy second hand, apart from underwear! Most of my friends are, accidentally, younger than me, of very different nationalities, ethnicities, religions and educational levels, so my life is kaleidoscopic, rather than the same year in an endless loop! Something that I think is often overlooked with regard to aging is that I have lived through the same years as my 15 year old granddaughter, plus a whole lot more! THIS is still my day, I’m still discovering , and experiencing, making mistakes, and also recognising patterns faster!
Frankly, I regard my self as an excellent vintage , and see my age as having value ( as well as a few disadvantages!) and don’t feel apologetic or diminished. I think old age has many benefits we forget, the greatest of all being that 24 hours of every day belong totally to me!!
I love this post! I'm saving it. I turned 50 on Saturday and it freaks me out a little. I stopped coloring my hair about 6 years ago. The upkeep was just too much. I'm very grey. I think about coloring a lot but I'm not going to. I don't feel 50. I still feel like 30 and I'm grateful for that. I'd love to have some subtle plastic surgery on my face but I'm trying not to be that vain. Then there's menopause and all the fun stuff that goes with it. I'm trying to stay positive about aging but my self esteem is taking a hit. My husband always tells me the alternative is worse. He's right of course. That doesn't make it any easier.
I think there are lots of us having the same feelings you are! Solidarity, friend. 🙂 It helps to know that others out there struggle too, and we can encourage each other.
I wish that I could find a hairdresser to help me go grey. My hairdresser is anti-grey! Last time she recommended I have some injections to keep me looking young.....
Oh no! You do not need that kind of negativity in your life. Geez!
The only thing I'm really doing to 'fight' aging is to dye my hair. It's a small expense since I do it myself at home, only takes a few minutes and it seems to really brighten my face. Not only that, but it gives my hair so much body and makes my morning routine so much easier because of that! It's a treat for me and my hair. 🙂 I usually grab the $3 permanent dye and do it 3-4 times a year. $12 a year is a bargain and I wear my hair long and get a trim about once a year. If I didn't see a real difference in texture of my hair, maybe I would forgo it, but I think I'll keep it up for now. 😉
Hi there!! I realize this is an old post but I was just trying to catch up, see what you have been up to. I am 46 now and after dying my hair for years I stopped in June. I started actually liking it. Felt a lot more authentic. The other day however I was feeling "old" and unhappy with myself and since I still had a box of dye I dyed my hair. I instantly regretted it!! I thought about this for a while. I think when women do the hair dye, the botox, the fillers they never look like they are in their twenties or thirties. They look like older women desperately trying to look like 25 again. I always find women who embrace they grays more beautiful.
Hope you aree doing well.
Yvonne! So good to hear from you!
I will keep your recent dying adventure in mind when I am tempted to dye my own grays. 🙂
I am 65 and often get “carded” when I ask for senior discounts much to my delight! And my oldest daughter and I are often mistaken for sisters despite the fact I was 27 years old when I gave birth. She doesn’t look old at all for her age in my opinion.
That being said, I spend very little on beauty. I do colour my own hair but haven’t been to a hairdresser in close to two years. My youngest daughter has trimmed my long bob a couple of times and that’s it!
I do believe in using a moisturizer after each shower/ bath and wish I had started earlier. I use baby scented Vaseline on my hands and feet. Also frequently use a nice scented hand cream during the day. I like Olay or L’Oreal face moisturizer formulated for 50 Plus women and use a liquid foundation. Using sunscreen is also critical and I really regret those days I slapped on the baby oil and sat in the sun for hours.
I came across your post many years after it was initially posted but I want to say THANK YOU for so clearly expressing something I feel myself. I am 35 and a number of my friends are younger (closer to 30). Many of those friends are already getting Botox and one of them is actually a Nurse Practitioner focused on dermatology aesthetics (aka she does fillers).
Listening to these women can be HARD as they discuss how terrible their foreheads look when it has been 2 months since their last Botox and when they discuss how awful their husbands' foreheads look. It is hard because I am (1) wrinkled for my age with no plans to get Botox and (2) not dying my grays. I also don't feel that I can speak up in those conversations because it quickly makes those women defensive and they try to convince me to change my decision.
I don't love looking older, so I appreciate your angle on it-- I don't need to love how I look to look how I look. But I do agree that the most important thing about me is my kindness/warmth/generosity/intelligence/etc. I don't want to lead with my looks because they have so little to do with the value that I believe I actually offer to the world.
Aww, I'm so glad it was helpful to you. It is so hard when it feels like everyone around you is gonna be wrinkle free with nary a gray hair in sight. I understand.