Messy, clean, messy, clean = NORMAL
In a recent post, I shared a picture of my messy kitchen.
I've done this quite a few times before.
See here:
And also here:
In the comments on that recent post, many of you said, "Oh, thank you for being vulnerable and keeping it real."
But the funny thing is...I didn't even feel vulnerable sharing my messy kitchen photos!
I think it's because I know that my kitchen never stays that way.
But: my clean kitchen never stays that way either.
I have long accepted that homes (ok, mine at least!) are in a persistent state of ebb and flow.
This is normal. NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL.
Things get messy, I clean them up.
Things get messy again, and I clean them up.
Repeat ad nauseum.
So, in a single day, my kitchen could look like this.
And a bit later in the same day, it can look like this.
Messy-clean-messy-clean is normal
Unless you have a maid following you and your family around all day long, your house is not going to be in a persistent state of tidiness.
It is just impossible to keep things impeccably tidy all the time!
People wear clothes and then dirty laundry accumulates.
You cook dinner and then there are dirty dishes, pots, and pans.
You clean the bathroom, but then people shed body hair and splash toothpaste on the mirror.
(Ok, for me, it's more that I keep hitting the mirror with my mascara wand. My vision is so bad, I have to get super close to the mirror to apply mascara, and then I inevitably hit the mirror with the wand.)
You put your shoes on the rack in a tidy manner.
And then you lazily chuck them into the closet after wearing them.
(That's all me. No one else uses my closet!)
Getting back to clean is what matters
If you want to have a generally tidy, clean house, there's good news: you don't need to avoid the messy part of the cycle.
You just have to not stay stuck there!
If I take care of the dishes each night, they're never gonna pile up too high.
If I wash the dirty laundry regularly, it will never become overwhelming.
If I take out the trash and recycling when it's full, it won't overflow.
If I tidy up here and there, the tidying will never be a 10-hour job.
But even if I DO let part of my house get stuck in the messy cycle for a while, the solution is still the same: I give myself a little grace for being normal, and then get it back to clean when I have some time to devote to it.
No harm, no foul.
You don't see everyone's ebb and flow
If you stopped to visit me randomly, you'd be likely to find some part of my house in the messy part of the messy-clean-messy-clean cycle.
In fact, my home is almost never ALL in the clean part of the cycle, except for times when I've listed a home for sale (or right before I've had a baby!)
But the problem with the internet is that we mostly see other people's homes when they are in the clean part of the cycle.
And then our brains think, "Oh, everyone else's houses are always clean, all the time."
You know that oft-repeated saying about how the internet is the highlights of people's lives, and we shouldn't compare their highlights to our everyday lives?
Well, this is kinda the same concept.
Even people whose homes are generally clean still will have times where rooms are messy. ESPECIALLY the kitchens (assuming that they cook!)
So, don't compare the messy part of your cycle to the clean part of someone else's.
____________
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this! Do you find yourself thinking that you're the only one with messes?
P.S. If you can't do all, here are the three household tasks I recommend not skipping.
P.P.S. I wrote a little post about the messy-clean-messy-clean cycle back in 2012. So click here if you want a trip back in time and a picture of my old kitchen in a messy state.
P.P.P.S. I don't have ADHD or depression or a physical disability that would keep me from cleaning. I'm writing from my experience as an able-bodied person, because that's all I know.
All through your post I kept thinking about this book: How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing.
If you do have ADHD, or depression, or postpartum complete overwhelm (that would be me), this book is written exactly for that. I found it so, so helpful!
@Birgitte, this is such a great book!
Just bought it on Kindle! Thanks for the rec.
@Birgitte, I'm gonna see if my library has it.
Thank you sooooo much!!
@Birgitte, this is EXACTLY the comment I was going to make. Reading/hearing that my messiness is not a moral failing (and that household tasks are morally neutral) broke my brain. I grew up very much in a "cleanliness is next to godliness" family, so I have felt extreme shame over my cluttery self over the years. Now that I have an ADHD diagnosis, I've been able to let some of that go...but not all of it. KC's book changed my life.
Same! I was going to comment about this. I saw an interview with her recently where she said, "I signed up to make sure my family had clean clothes to wear. I never signed up to make sure they never had dirty clothes." Laundry exists in a cycle and there is no morality in it.
@Emily U., That's a terrific quote.
@Birgitte, Ooh, yes, seconding this book - it is so good!!
@profesorahb, this gave me goosebumps. Lots of good thoughts!
Or one can just embrace clutter entirely. No need for a full clean cycle so long as the environment is safe and healthy.
Totally. Which is why I said, "If you want to have a generally tidy, clean house, there’s good news: you don’t need to avoid the messy part of the cycle. You just have to not stay stuck there!"
The "if you want" is important. 🙂 As long as home-management methods are working for everyone in a household, it's all good.
@Kristen, My beagle says our home management isn't working for him. Now what?
He needs to pick up the slack then, I think. 😉
He tidied up some pizza that fell on the floor.
However, he is indignant that he can't get inside the stainless steel dog kibble container.
@Rose, He's sad that you're not letting him help!
The beagle I grew up with was a terrific vacuum cleaner. My current boxer mutt is almost no help at all. He's really cute, though, and I can count on him not to knock over the trash can or jump on on the counters.
@WilliamB, I think I mentioned this before, but my previous beagle, the much-missed Alfie, figured out how to open the fridge for delightful snacking! So we had to put baby locks on the fridge which worked well as long as every human family member used them. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go accusatively stare at my daughter.
Great post! In a similar vein, my husband and I sometimes joke about how he messes up the kitchen and I only clean it, BUT, this is because he does all the cooking! I don't get the kitchen messy, but if he behaved the same way, there would be nothing to eat! He also is quite good about cleaning things up as he goes along, so this is not a complaint, just another observation about how living often needs to involve a bit of messiness.
I absolutely know that everyone's houses get messy sometimes. Unfortunately, my mother is a very careful housekeeper. (I think sometimes of a quote from a book I love by Barbara Michaels--"The Dancing Floor" for those who are into such things--where a character asking about another's mother, says cheerfully, "Nasty nice housekeeper, was she?"). And so I compare my own home to my childhood home. This is not a fair comparison, either, because my mother had three children, not four. And she had two fairly neat girls, not three slovenly boys. And she has a fairly neat husband, ahem. And she never lived in the country, where there is WAY more mess that comes into a house.
So I know it's not a fair comparison, but it's still one that bothers me. Because I LIKE to have a very neat house like the one I grew up in. And I will again sometime, I guess. I'm just not there yet. 🙂
@kristin @ going country, Long before the Internet, I grew up in an entire extended family of pristine housekeepers. It's been a lifelong struggle for me to accept that messes are normal.
SAME. My maternal grandmother cleaned to the point where she would dry her kitchen sink with a towel every night so that it had no water spots in it.
I feel pleased with myself if I just have the dishes all done before I go to bed. 🙂
@kristin @ going country, When I was a child a nun told my class that children should always put their shoes under their bed when it was time to go to sleep, so they would remember to kneel on the floor and say their prayers. The first time I did that, my mother (more rigid in her housekeeping than even her religious observations, which is saying a LOT) yelled at me and demanded to know why I had stopped putting my shoes in the closet. I mark that as the moment in my young life when I pretty much stopped listening to anything adults said to me.
@kristin @ going country, "I'm just not there yet" Yes! I remind myself of this too, as I'm in the midst of parenting very young children. One day my house will be neat and stay neat. But also one day, my darling babies won't be babies. And so I can't wish this time away.
@kristin @ going country, as a 15 year empty-nester, remembering the battles over house cleaning (most of which were with myself only) while raising my children still gives me heartburn. It was a decades long cycle of mess/clean that Kristen describes here with a whole lot of angst thrown in. And then suddenly, the youngest goes off to college and voila - life becomes amazingly easy. And a bit dull. Quiet... too quiet.
You are living the life now, full to overflowing. What joy! I hope that you get great satisfaction from quieting that unfair comparison to your childhood home and that you continue to embrace the chaos of your life today.
@Carla, I had to check myself this weekend when I heard a bin of Legos being dumped on the floor. My first thought was, "Oh no... that's gonna be a pain to clean up." But then I reminded myself that they're building and being creative and I'm thankful that they have a good outlet like Legos to help decompress when they need. So it'll still be a pain to clean up, but there's great value in it.
@Ruth T, have them dump it on a sheet.
@Bobi,
My maternal grandma would pick up your plate and wipe for crumbs under it as you were still eating!
That's taking clean to a very weird level.
I didn't inherit the overcleaning trait.
@Ruth T, Good thought! They're going to have a lot of fun and have a better understanding of how things fit together when they grow up.
@Valee,
I'm not saying this is what your grandmother was doing, but I have a kid who eats painfully slowly and will sometimes not finish until people start clearing the table around him. For us it's not really about maintaining cleanliness, but about sending the message that dinner needs to be over.
Bobbi and Kristen,
SAME. This discussion has taken a weight off of my shoulders.
@Becca,
It wasn't because we were eating slowly. I remember being about 8, visiting her in FL. She gave us pie, and before the pieces were half gone, she was lifting our plates and wiping for crumbs! She was on the cleaning end of a spectrum I've never been on! My mom has stories from her childhood of similar examples of Grandma's uber-tidiness.
@Ruth T, I think kids think of a clean house as an empty slate on which to make new messes, I mean play. Ha!
I also appreciate our daycare where the kids do a ton of messy activities (today they made mud balls) because I am happy for them to do those things but I don't always have the energy to handle it.
Oh. I struggle with this because the mess makes me feel overwhelmed and I can’t think straight. I have to remember to give myself Grace and try to relax.
As I read this, it's 8:05 am on the east coast, and a photo of my kitchen would be just like the "before" pictures in your post. I'd be curious to know how many of your readers could say the same thing at eight o'clock in the morning!
@Jean, I'll take the 5th! 😉
@Jean, not today. I overslept so the kitchen was still pristine at 8:05. But it's in need of some attention now that it's almost noon.
When you are invited to the homes of others they generally have cleaned them in advance of your visit so that too makes us think that they are generally more tidy than they may actually be.
Thanks for keeping it real.
What a great post and reminder to us all that everyone experiences the messy, clean, messy cycle. It's all too easy to see pictures online of someone's "perfectly" clean house and compare your house to that. We have no way of knowing how long it took to get that perfectly clean room for that shot or what the rest of the home looks like. Thanks for keeping it real with us.
I will preface this by saying, I live alone (except for the cats and chickens). I learned a long time ago to clean as I go when meal planning. Cutting boards and knives get washed (and onto the dish drainer) when I'm finished using them, ingredients get prepped before I begin cooking, dirty dishes go into the dishwasher, trash goes into the trash can, and items that need to be refrigerated go onto the counter by the fridge as they're used. This cuts down significantly on the mess made during meals, as well as the clean up time afterwards. There have been many times when after I've prepared and plated a meal, the only thing remaining to do is to put the leftover into the fridge. It helps that I have a smaller kitchen and everything in within a few steps from each other (stove, counter, trashcan, sink, dishwasher, pantry, fridge).
Visual mess for me makes mental mess, so I tend to keep things tidy.
@Mary,
I am exactly the same way! It is amazing how much mess from/while cooking can be cleared while being in the midst of preparing a meal.
@Mary, I sometimes wish I could handle both cooking and cleaning at the same time. My brain doesn't seem to work that way. Also, I've eaten many cold dinners at my in-law's homes because they refused to sit down and eat until the kitchen was clean.
I aspire to be someone who cooks and cleans at the same time, but alas, I never seem to pull it off unless I'm making something that bakes for a while before we eat.
@Mary, I loved reading about your routine. My household operates pretty much the same way. It seems like a lot less work when we clean and tidy as we go. We like to elevate the dining experience since we're so lucky to be eating good food, so having a messy kitchen to look at and deal with after a lovely meal can take some of the joy out of the pleasure of eating. On the occasions when there are several things out on the counter, I notice how easy it is to forget to put something back in the refrigerator. For me, in general, it's all about having a place for everything and everything in its place. If there are no "zones" to put things in progress, it's so easy for things to accumulate in places they're not meant to be. The smaller the house, and the less surface and storage space, the harder it can be to maintain.
P.S. In my working days, my office was set up in a similar manner. I had out on my desk only what I needed to work on at any given time. If I had visual clutter, my mind (and priorities) would get scattered. One of my co-workers, on the other hand, thrived when she had everything out on her desk, floor, etc. I couldn't function in her office and she couldn't function in mine. To each her own!
@MB in MN, That never worked for me for my office either. For some reason, my office routine is different than it is for the rest of my life. In the office, out of sight is out of mind, so papers and projects were either out on my desk or completed and filed away. If I tried to file away as I worked, I'd drop balls. For everything else, it's exactly the opposite for me: clean as I got, put things away even if partially done, and so on. It's Dr. Jeckel in one place, Mr. Hyde in the other. (I leave it up to you to decide which is which.)
I am the daughter of an extremely neat mother. Growing up, we had a housekeeper twice a week to do the actual cleaning. My sisters and I were expected to pick-up after ourselves, make our beds, and follow the household schedule. Our house was always “company ready.” I don’t know if any of us thought this was unusual.
Fast forward, a couple of decades… I became the mother of three active children. I married a man who was raised in a chaotic household. Although I tried, my house was rarely in order. There were shoes in the foyer, dishes in the sink, bread in the oven, and art projects in the garage. (My son loved to make sculptures out of garbage.) I was always stressed about the mess. Then a very successful friend of mine who had grown up in a family of 8 told me that his mother’s motto was, “Clean enough to be healthy, messy enough to be happy.” I embraced it as my own.
My sisters’ houses are still nearly perfect, but I’ve learned that this is a rarity.
@Bee, I nodded along with this whole thing. Solidarity.
@Bee, "clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy" is the title of a book by Peg Bracken. My mom tried to have a perfect house at all times, but she kept that book around, perhaps to console herself when her impossible standards were not being met.
@Bee, I love that motto! Writing it down!
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, Really!!! I thought it was brilliant bit of wisdom. I will see if this book is still in print.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana,
I'm not sure she wrote a book with that title, but she did write a book called "I Hate to Housekeep" and I love it. I have a copy and read it when I feel overwhelmed. One of chapters is entitled "How to be Happy When You're Miserable".
@Karen A., Yes, I don't think was a title too. I have all of her books, because I kind of worship her.
@Karen A., you are probably right. She was the Erma Bombeck before Erma. Maybe Mom had it on a sign in the kitchen. . .
I don’t worry too much about cleaning although I do try to follow fly lady for the kitchen so when I get up, it’s neat. I just have too much on my counters and not enough cupboards to store items. My sister has this huge pantry I covet. Honestly, it’s bigger than many bedrooms.
Yes, I don't love cleaning my kitchen at night but I DO love waking up to a tidy kitchen!
I grew up in a borderline hoarder house, which has resulted in two things: 1. My house is generally pretty tidy (although it definitely has its own messy/clean cycle) 2. I can walk into other people's super messy situations and help without getting overwhelmed.
It definitely didn't seem like it at the time, but there have been some blessings from growing up in that situation.
My house is always pretty picked up but seldom deep cleaned. It is what it Is! I work full time.
@Stephanie, similar for me. Our home is almost always picked up but rarely deep cleaned everywhere. And that didn't change after I retired! And it didn't change with Covid either; I didn't wipe anything down more frequently or start wiping down anything I didn't used to. I find full-on deep cleaning to be mostly unnecessary.
I have no idea who to credit for saying this first, but in the age of social media and Instagram, I find it critical to "never compare your day-to-day reality with someone else's highlight reel." I feel like all the pantry organization-type videos and gorgeously staged pictures of sparkling clean homes are completely unrealistic and breed jealousy and discontent. I have two kids who have full, active lives and fertile imaginations; the house *never* looks "company clean."
I live in a house with two people with ADHD and I'm a bit of a collector (or at the very least, I like to own things vs just rent or borrow them.)
My house cycles between disaster-messy-untidy-messy etc. A few times a year we get it to the point of where it's good and clean but then a lot of stuff is hidden away in closets and things.
@Battra92, We have one closet that's affectionately called "The Room of Requirement," because it truly is the place where *everything* gets hidden.
@Lauren the Semi-Domestic Demi-Goddess, Fibber McGee's closet.
@Battra92, my mom always referred to the closet under the stairs as Fibber McGee's closet!
At 55, and someone who spends an alarming amount of time on social media, I gave up caring about what others do or do not have. I don't compare, I don't envy, none of that and the reason is simply that, like you have said, you don't everything about them. If you are jealous of that clean kitchen, you have to be jealous of their OCD. If you are jealous of all the things they have, you have to be jealous of all the sleepless nights worrying about money. If you are jealous of their body type, you have to be jealous of an eating disorder or an obsession with working out at a rate that is harmful to any body. When I was younger, sure I did it, but now I have some wisdom and am just thankful for what I have, as little and worn down as it is.
I know that was a little off topic, but that's where I ended up. 🙂
@Jennifer, I understand the sentiment, but not everyone has a mental disorder that goes along with the 'ideal' things they have. Some people just prioritize different things in their life.
@Rachel, These sentiments are always so sour-grapesy. Lots of people own nice things and don't worry about paying their bills. As for body type, not everyone who's slim and fit (like, for example, Kristen) has an eating disorder or orthorexia. Etc.
@Jennifer, bravo!!
@Jennifer, Brilliantly stated!
Thank you for your wise insights.
I don't really have a messy-clean cycle. My house manages to stay perfectly mediocre at all times.
OOOh this is interesting. My home is almost always in the clean cycle. Why? Because growing up, our home was always in the messy cycle. Add to that the number of people coming and going (I had a huge blended family), poverty, my mother being on the spectrum with too may kids to boot, and her idea that cleaning things was a waste of time. There were roaches roaches roaches, and always the feeling that home was not our sanctuary. To overcome that, for me, was huge. I decided very early on that no matter how many kids I had (or what gender they are because that makes zero difference), someday I would have a clean and tidy home. As the years went on, I taught my children that, too. When I leave my house every day, it smells good and looks good. It gives me a sense of peace and calm, makes me feel as though I have some control, or at least say so, in my life. I know I will come home to a sanctuary and that gives me comfort after a 12 hour day at work. For me, messy equals stress. Thats not judge-y for anyone else who doesn't see it that way. You could say I am prideful about my home - I would counter that I take pride in it. I have managed to keep it together here in more ways than one. We live here in a working home - drop by any time and I will not feel the slightest bit like I need to prepare for your visit. (:
As I've noted several times in the past, I'm the product of a mixed marriage: My father was a neatnik and my mother was a packrat. Now that I'm an adult entering old age and single life, I'm a bit of each. I don't let dishes pile up, and I do run around the house tidying up every 3 weeks before the housecleaners come (I'd rather they spent their time on actual cleaning instead of picking up after me). But between housecleanings, I let the books, magazines, and other evidence of daily living fall where it may.
And I agree with several others that we'd all be better off if we stopped trying to keep up with the social media Joneses. This is one of the many reasons I don't do Facebook, Instagram, etc. (I did have Twitter until earlier this year, but I made my final X-it when Musk lost what was left of his mind.)
Brilliant! Thank you so much for this! I feel better already as I look at my living room floor where I spread out our library books so the kids don't forget to read them! : ) The washcloth on the faucet reminded me of this kitchen sink organizer that I bought and recommend to everyone: https://tinyurl.com/2jtyb6z5. My sink looks a lot more organized now even if it is full of dirty dishes at the moment.
I love this! Messy is normal, because life is lived in a house! My only tip is to always do a quick scan of a room before you leave it and grab anything that doesn't belong to put in it's place on your way around the house. Doing this as a habit greatly reduces the amount of things that pile up, even if you just grab a few things, progress is made!
@Jen, I do this automatically. It truly helps, and makes the house look clean even when it isn't. Of course, the dusty surfaces are exposed when there isn't anything sitting on them. . . but it is MY house, (ours—I am married), not a public place.
I think the Abandoned House Owner needed a few more coffee mugs. Can't have too many!
@JDinNM, all those mugs, every single surface covered. . . that photo almost gives me hives.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, I tried counting them (why? I don't know) but gave up.
I always tried - didn't always succeed - to keep my home neat when raising the kids. When the kids reached 13 and 10, they had a list of chores to help with housework, plus they started doing their own laundry. DH, bless him, is the messiest person I know, enough said there.
Years later, when DH's disabilities started in earnest and he required a lot of care at home, I felt overwhelmed since I was and still am working full-time with a long commute, but I discovered Flylady and it's made my life easier. I live alone now, which makes cleaning easier, but I still have two dogs that go in and out, and as Kristin@GoingCountry points out, living in the country sure adds to the mess coming in. I caught a frog in the house and put it out before breakfast this morning.
A rule in Flylady is - don't leave that mess in the kitchen to greet you in the morning. Coming downstairs to a cleaned up kitchen is so calming for me. I always have been anxious and distracted when things are too cluttered around me, so for my own good, I can't let the house get too messy.
My own rule I've added: identify the barriers that keeps you from being neat and see which barriers can be eliminated. It may be things as simple as a bigger trash can or processing your mail the minute you bring it in and tossing the junk mail then, instead of stacking all the mail for later.
Having said that, as Bee noted, a house that is "clean enough to be healthy, messy enough to be happy" is perfectly fine. I don't feel happy when mine is too messy, but that's my own problem. A kitchen isn't always going to be perfect unless one never uses it. It will get dirty/messy then it will get cleaned. That's just the circle of life for kitchens.
@JD, I'm not nearly as country as Kristen Going Country but this past week alone I've had a snake, a mouse and a baby toad in the house. The dog took care of the snake (well, her idea of "taking care of the snake" was to grab it, take it outside, toss it up in the air repeatedly, wait for it to play with her, and then abandon it so it could slither away), and I took care of the mouse and the baby toad. Divide and conquer! As soon as the weather gets cold overnight, all the critters like to sneak into the house. Remember the expression "It's a jungle out there!" It's starting to seem like a jungle in here.
Hi there!
I'm looking around my living room and I see my husband's work boots and some random tools by the door, my sweater, purse, work tote, and a chip bag on the couch, papers, books and my laptop (which I forgot to charge last night) piled on my desk and cat toys on the floor.
And I'm cool with that.
Life's messy. I'd be suspicious if it wasn't.
@April, Sounds like a real home! With real people! And real pets! I get suspicious if things are too quiet.
How about some updated pictures on the abandoned house, inside and out?
My friends say that my house is always clean; I counter with, "It's not clean; it is merely uncluttered". Owning too much stuff (things that don't have a place or a use) causes piles. I have piles sometimes (usually) because those are active projects (this pile goes to the studio, this pile goes out to the car. . .). When I had the luxury of a housecleaner, I picked up things because it is hard to clean if you can't get to the surface. My husband would make fun of me for for "precleaning", but that is simply a lack of understanding about the difference between "clean" and "clear".
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, That's sort of what I was going to write. Being clean and being picked-up are two different things.
I will pick up and organize stuff all day long. But clean, as in scrub, more than surface sweeping? Hate that.
@Heidi Louise, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one. I like things tidy but I’m not good at cleaning!
This is something I'm very hard on myself about. You go visit someone's home and its sparklingly clean, I fall into the "why can't I keep my house like that." Instead of focusing on the fact that they probably cleaned for my arrival. I live with 3 messy boys (2 littles and a husband) and I find myself constantly tidying, and then feeling overwhelmed by the clutter, so we started a 5 minute declutter before bed at night. We make it a game, we set Alexa with a 5 minute timer and we all put stuff away in the main living spaces. The adults tackle the kitchen chores (my kids are pretty little) and the kids tackle the toys. It doesn't all get put away every night, but having a daily reset helps my brain settle down and realize that this is normal for a family the USES their house. And that 5 minutes of "teamwork" helps our family function better and the messes not seem overwhelming.
So, as a mascara wearer... as well as someone who is hard of seeing (I have to have glasses or contacts in at all times otherwise... nope....). Do you wear contacts and put on mascara? I don't think I've ever gotten that close to a mirror, but I drop the wand on the floor. And talk about gross factor. BLECH. :/
Well, I have a double problem. If I wear glasses, I have to take my glasses off to apply the mascara.
And if I put my contacts in first, my up-close vision is not all that good.
I think I'm stuck cleaning mascara off my mirror. lol
@Kristen, Monovision solved that problem for me. I was very nearsighted, so when I wore contact lenses one eye was corrected for distance and one eye was "undercorrected" for reading, etc. (The ophthamologist didn't seem concerned about the mascara issue!) Then when I had cataract surgery the surgeon implanted new prescription lenses that did the same thing. So my vision now tests 20-20, and whenever I have a complaint the doctor says "20-20 is as good as we can do." But monovision doesn't work for everyone, and it does take your brain (not your eyes, but your brain) some time to adapt.
@Kristen,
I found a small magnifying mirror that has a suction cup on the back, at Dollar Tree, I think, and I stuck it on my mirror in the bathroom. Although I have monovision contacts, my near lens is set to read a computer at a desk, not apply mascara to my invisible, tiny bottom lashes. This has made applying mascara and liner much, much easier.
Oh, the Dollar Tree is a good idea!
@JD, I have monovision contacts too. I like them because they allow me to read and embroider without reading glasses, plus I can see fine in the distance.
I really want to get my eyes lasered, but it involves so many long, tiresome drives to the eye doctor's. I started the process a few years ago and I don't know why I stopped. Oh right, I was hospitalized with Covid. now I remember.
@JDinNM, re mono vision doesn’t work for everyone. That is me. One toric contact lens & 1 bifocal lens. Monovision drove me nuts.
@reese et al., I recommend this simple solution to the mascara problem: Stop wearing mascara. I realize that this won't work for those who feel naked without it--but I abandoned all makeup except lipstick in college, and ditched even the lipstick decades ago. Think of the time and money you'll save!
@Kristen, what about a enlargement mirror, where one side makes everything bigger (face). I have a free standing on my dresser & had one in bathroom stuck on mirror.
It helps.
@A. Marie, I'm with you on the no wearing of the mascara. I dislike mascara; what I do like is eye-liner, which I wear above my lash line on my upper lids, and then I will put another colour above that. I have a sensitivity to eye makeup, so eye-liner works for me as it doesn't actually come into contact with my eyes.
@Kristen, your vision sounds exactly like mine. Monovision isn't an option, so I use a magnifying mirror after my contacts are in so that I can wear mascara. (Always waterproof, otherwise if I get something in my contacts during the day, it would run down to my chin, not a good look)
This is a huge battle for me week over week. On the weekends you will find me buried in laundry, cleaning floors, bathrooms, batch cooking, changing sheets, dusting furniture, washing windows and then of course there is always yardwork of some kind whether it be gardening, cleaning out flower beds, mowing the lawn etc.
I am human so I often see others Instagram posts showing spotless homes, perfect meals, stocked and staged pantries/fridges and for a second I feel less than or unable to complete the duties of taking care of my home, let alone rest when I need to. Then I dust myself off, and remind myself that I am doing the best that I can. I clean daily. Wash dishes, work on laundry throughout the week, vacuum, wipe surfaces down, etc. I also cook, play with my son, take care of two highly energetic dogs and work a full time job.
I think it is important to normalize the ebb and flow of normal life. I know many people who have housekeepers just so that they can have clean homes and take on other tasks like traveling for work or caring for elderly loved ones. I enjoy the task of keeping my own home clean and was raised in a home where we learned that it isn't truly clean unless you clean it yourself.
So I turn up the music on the weekends, light a candle and enjoy the tasks that keep my home looking its best. Cheers to the careful balance and beauty required to keeping a home these days!
@Angie, Lovely post! And the operative word is "staged". Who wants to live a "staged" life when you can live a real one?
You don't have to do it all--your daughters could help keep things neat. I suppose they do , it just sounds like its all up to you.
For sure. I have just Zoe with me, and she does her own laundry, cleans her bathroom, cleans her room, and scoops Shelley's litter. 🙂
So, we kinda split things; she does the lower level of the house, I do the upper level.
An acquaintance once mentioned that something that sits out for two weeks becomes invisible. It's true. After two weeks, I no longer notice a pile of papers, article of clothing on a chair, almost-empty shampoo bottle, unpulled dandelion, my husband's hats, etc.
It's nice to walk into a clean kitchen in the mornings. By the evening, it's obvious we really do live here and use our space! It gets cleaned up some during the day and each night. Then, the cycle repeats itself. I'm just grateful to have a home and kitchen I enjoy using!
I grew up in a chaotic household. My mother had a few mental illnesses and her housecleaning would focus on sparkling floors while the laundry got piled thigh-high around the washer. She also had a hoarding streak. My dad's idea of organization was remembering what stack something was in. We are pretty sure he had undiagnosed ADD. My brother inherited the worst traits from both of them. His house looks a lot like the house Kristen retreived so much stuff from.
I literally cannot think in a messy, dirty environment, so my house stays tidy except for a couple of designated "drop" zones where we set things down to sort them out. I am a huge fan of clean as you go, as so much of housekeeping is small bits that are easily knocked out. My husband is very organized but does not clean unless I ask him to, at which point he does a stellar job.
Before I retired, I could keep a cleaner less messy house. I straightened up at night before bed and went off to work in the morning! I could afford a bi weekly housecleaner to do the deep cleans too.Wow those were the days.
Now we are retired and WE LIVE HARD IN OUR HOUSE.WE USE OUR HOUSE. I cook 3 meals a day almost every day! I like to cook! And bake! And no more housekeeper. Jet me and him. My husband is good about doing his share. (My husband decided he does a better job at cleaning the bathroom and showers, and you know what I HAD TO AGREE WITH HIM (tee hee..)so that’s HIS job!!
I have art hobbies and my husband does model ships..so we have some messy craft rooms. We watch TV at noon somedays and our cats love to hang out on couch with us, so I have kitty blankets strewn about everywhere.. (cause we know CATS RULE)
We have an exercise area with weights and a yoga mat.
We USE our home to the max.
I feel like I am constantly straightening up one area while the others are a mess… but after about a year I figured out, we do live here, 24/7..and we love our home.We get so much pleasure from our (paid off) space… and it’s just gonna be messier now.
I am most happy whenI make my bed in the morning and clear the kitchen sink. Then I start the day with a little law and order! but it usually goes downhill from there,LOL!
Yeah,facebook home interiors are an illusion!!!!!!!! People don’t LIVE like that!!
I have a cleaning lady every other week, so we have a forced reset then. My house is rarely dirty, but often not tidy. When my kids were little, it was a 3 hour picking up marathon the night before the cleaning lady came. Now my kids are mostly gone, and it takes us about 30 min to prep for her. Even prepped, I still have some stacks of stuff I can’t figure out a home for! I have a friend who has a place for everything and I can’t figure out where her s*it goes! I think she’s a ruthless purger which I can’t get myself to be.
@Susan, I understand that situation completely. The idea that everything has a home....and what do I do with this? I had so many things stashed. Then someone turned it around and asked "Where would I look for this?" That made a huge difference for me. I think of "Where would I look for this?" and put it there.
@KT in PA, My grandfather went blind before I was born, so everything *had* to have a place. I eventually adopted that outlook. Sometimes a thing sits out for a few days or weeks till I figure out the right place for it, especially now as I settle into a new house. It's so. much. easier. to tidy when you know where to put the thing.
I may have a solution for you for your mascara on the big mirror problem. I put my mascara on (and use when I curl my lashes) a small 10x magnified mirror. This way I see every lash, I am better able to curl my lashes, and if I get mascara on it its, one small swipe or a clean at the end of the week. Since I am the only one to use the mirror I dont worry about anyone seeing it. 🙂
Ooh, that is a good idea!
I've had seasons when I felt my house was never clean....when life was full of raising kids, caring for parents or health problems. But I've never kept people away from the messes. I let people in, let my friends see & even help deal with them when they're bad. And I help with their messes. Life is much easier when we accept it as normal.
And I do my daily routines. So hopefully I have at least one area that is clean when everything else is chaos! Then on good days I can get most things clean at once.
Ugh! Thank you! Because YES, I do get stuck in thinking I'm the only one with messes. And while the logical part of me should know this is not true (my friends talk about cleaning and I know they make food and have children) I still struggle.
The planner I've used the last couple of years has helped me focus when it comes to cleaning and I really appreciate it. But I'm in a season of full, which is a beautiful thing and it also means I don't always have a beautiful house.
Thanks for keeping it real.
Thank you. I keep reminding myself messy is just part of it and a home is a never-ending project. My 90 year Mom lives with me. She has a broken ankle and is non weight bearing the time being. I decided things will just go undone in favor of her care.
My home will never be a band box but it will be comfortable and livable.
My tips, for the chronically tired person who hates to clean.
1. Try to buy only kitchen things you can put in the DW.
2. Use a spoon rest to avoid dirtying the stovetop. Then toss the spoon rest in the DW.
3. Use a spatter guard for spattering fat. Then into the DW.
4. Toss all cooking trash as you go. Have the trash can nearby.
5. Have a trash can in every room. Nothing looks worse in a house than actual trash left around.
6. Get a Roomba. Get another Roomba for upstairs.
7. Use a wet jet with disposable pads*. Save real mopping for every now and then.
8. If you are kneading or rolling out dough, use one of those large silicone mats. One that goes in the DW.
9. Have toilet brushes by every toilet. Have bathroom cleaning supplies in the bathroom.
10. Choose flooring on how well it hides dirt.
*My daughter offered to crochet me a reusable one. No thanks.
@Rose,
My philosophy us that anything in my house needs to be able to go in the dish washer, washing machine, or get hosed off in the backyard!
I was late to the Joy of a spoon rest, but boy, it really does keep the oven top clean.
@Rose, .....and always, ALWAYS cover whatever you put in the microwave (except water)! I always use a paper plate. When I sold my last house, people commented that the microwave and oven looked like they weren't even used.
After my mother was gone, my father married his first American (the first of three). Our house had been messy but clean enough. She labeled us immigrant pigs (we were all born here...) who had to be shown the better American way of life. She kept the plastic on all the furniture and table lamps, we were not allowed to sit down and eat until the meal prep dishes were washed and put away (we never ate food for the three years she was with us), and our carpets had to show all the vacuum lines. I kid you not, if we entered the living room or other carpeted room, we left backwards and crouched down with our hands fluffing up where we had stepped so that there was no sign of human disruption to the carpeting. When she made Christmas cookies, she made dozens and put them in giant Tupperware containers that were kept on top of the fridge. After we went to bed, she would count the cookies, every single one, and if one was missing we were all called downstairs so the miscreant could confess and be punished. I think that was the beginning of the end, when my father realized she was doing this. He seldom raised his voice but I can remember him thundering that he had hidden food from the Nazis and was not about to have to do it from his wife---and he laid out the containers and told us to eat as much as we wanted from then on. It is no wonder that when she left, her three kids refused to stay behind and my father raised them, too. I think she lasted as long as she did because my father did not have the money for an attorney...Until he married his next American, I thought all Americans did these sorts of things...
Whoa, what an awful way to live! I'm so glad she didn't hang around forever.
@Lindsey,
Oh! So terrifyingly sad!
@Lindsey, That was awful. I'm glad your father realized it eventually and stood up for rationality. He sounds like a great man, raising all his kids, even the ones he married into.
@Lindsey, the more I hear of your life story, the more it curls my hair. Thank goodness you came through it all as sane and wonderful as you are.
Also, please keep giving us updates from the Last Hurrah trip as you have time and opportunities. And love to Pound Hound and his cousins.
Posts like these make me so glad I’m not on social media.
I can’t function when there’s messes all around me. It was all fine when it was just me and my husband. Then the kids came one by one, I remember feeling so overwhelmed by constant messes. Decluttering and getting rid of massive amounts of stuff is the best gift we gave ourselves. We are no minimalists, just trying not to accumulate too much stuff again.
I think of it like this-one day my house will just be me & my husband after my kids are gone. The mess is only for a short period of time & then I will probably miss the mess-no mess=no kids at home.
I dunno...kinda seems like Chiquita was in there disorganizing your shoes... 😉
But seriously, thank you for this post! I am a very cluttery person who struggles with the lifelong (and late-diagnosed) ADHD challenge of task follow through. I know intellectually that I need to put the hairbrush back where it belongs. In the moment...I just set it wherever I've wandered to while brushing my hair.
Over the years, I've tried to make my home work for me, but I've still felt SO MUCH shame about how clean/messy my house is. And, as we all know, negative self-talk and self-flagellation is the key to successful change of any kind... (*sarcasm*). Intellectually, I know that I am a work in progress. But the little girl who was shamed by her grandpa for leaving clothes on the floor doesn't know that she's a work in progress.
As Birgitte mentioned above, the book How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing was truly revelatory for me. (KC is also on Instagram as @strugglecare). Hearing and reading KC's statement that "care tasks are morally neutral" broke my brain in the best way possible. She's right. Putting your hairbrush away doesn't make you a good person anymore than leaving it on the coffee table makes you a bad person. You're just a person who either knows or doesn't know where their hairbrush is.
Anyway, I clearly have a lot of feelings about this and I, as always, appreciate your nuanced and gentle take on this, Kristen!
Hahaha, I could blame it on her, but we all know it was actually me lazily tossing my shoes into the closet. lol
@Kristen,
I think you are cheating yourself out of one of the biggest benefits of pet ownership: you always have a cheerful scape goat! I hope you have at least realized that you never have to claim a bad gas smell again...you have two cats that eat wet food... you're welcome. 😉
To me, clean/dirty is one thing, tidy/messy is another. The first is not to be compromised. The second is a matter of personal preference and does tend to be a cycle even for tidy-niks.
As a kid, my mother was on my case about my room because it was always messy but not on my brother's case because it went through the cycle, although his messiest was much worse than mine. As a kid that annoyed me, as an adult it makes perfect sense. I've since become a tidy-nik but you wouldn't know of from my office!
When I visited my brother for Thanksgiving a few years ago, he was absolutely hyper about keeping the place perfectly tidy all the time. If I left something out of place for 4 minutes (I timed it), he cleaned it, put it away, or put it in a corner. I found it quite off-putting at the time and so off-putting that I haven't stayed with him since.
As many have pointed out, phase of life, circumstances, and neurodiversity can all have an effect on what we can manage right now.
My mom had a sign on her front door that said, “If you’re here to see me, come on in! If you’re here to see my house, make an appointment.”
I appreciate this honesty. I like a tidy home, but I struggle with the fact that it can never be 100% tidy all the time. I'm accepting that that's okay!
i grew up in the messiest apt ever created. both my parents were pack rats. my mother's favorite activity was watching tv. when i was single i was too sad to clean. but now i want the place to b nice for my kids. i clean so much i am the maid. but hubby helps a lot. my son helps a lot. my daughter turns 15 tomorrow. she doesn't help much i created a princess. but when i ask she helps. i just read the kc davis book. it is superb and helped me a lot. got it out of the lilbrary. my llibrarian said she just ordered it after checking it out for me.
First off, thank you for making me look normal though No paint cans on kitchen counter (though I'm sure they were in transit to somewhere else).
I try very hard (with pretty good odds) of not saying or judging most people homes that are not (perfect) clean when I'm there. Honestly, if it is (perfect!l clean I know must have just happened or they have not been home lately or not at all.
I can honestly say that you are still ahead of me in clean because all your moving boxes are gone/not in sight/are taken care of. But I know that I am in process of projects/finding storage so that the mess will not he there forever.
Some parts of house are generally cleaner than other areas (kitchen). Some day when house is completely clean (all areas) I know that it is only temporary, as I live there & life can be messy. (Wink)
This post really resonated with me...when my house is tidy, I feel so much better about life in general...but it's not always the way I'd like it to be, that's for sure! It's a good reminder that when we visit someone, or see photos, it's usually because they planned for company, or cleaned up before taking photos. Real life is sometimes messy!
We live in an old farmhouse with not a ton of storage, and keeping the clutter under control is difficult. We became empty nesters over this past weekend (yikes!!) and perhaps with just two peoples' things it will be easier?? We shall see!
Thanks for being real!
Aww, I'm so glad it encouraged you!
I will say that having an empty nest GREATLY increases the chances of the clean cycle lasting longer! 🙂
Also, you need a suction cup magnifying mirror! That will greatly increase your chances of NOT hitting the mirror with your mascara wand! I shudder to think what my makeup would look without one. I will admit, though, I have often wondered how people who need glasses (I wear contacts.) apply eye makeup? Seems tricky, for sure!
Happy Thursday!
I needed to read this today! I’m currently in the messy part of the equation and have been feeling so frustrated by it. This helped me gain a little perspective and I appreciated the reminder that as long as it doesn’t stay that way, it’s normal! Thank you. 🙂
I might have to print out this post and put it somewhere in my home for me to regularily re-read!
My parents' house is impeccable and even though my mother says I shouldn't compare myself since I have a young family, I still feel I cannot be at peace if our home is not tidy. It makes me compulsively clean and tidy all the time, it is ridiculous.
When I visit friends (mostly with young children) that have messy homes and they apologize, I tell them that they are just doing their duty of showing other people that it is okay to have messes at home and that they make me feel better about myself.