leaving things better than we found them
At the beginning of last month, a reader asked me in a comment if my advice for my girls about dating has changed from what it would have been previously.
I said,
"Ohhh, for sure. I grew up in the height of purity culture, where the worst thing you could do was have a bunch of relationships before getting married. People wrote books saying things like if you have multiple relationships, you lose a piece of your heart each time and then you are not a whole person when you get married.
As if hearts do not regenerate or grow. (!!!)
Now I think…if a dating relationship isn’t working out, it’s fine to end it. And it doesn’t matter if it takes a lot of dating relationships before you find someone you want to marry. Each one is a learning experience, and hopefully, at the end of each one, you leave the person you were dating better than when you found them. That is not a waste of time, and I think it could save a lot of heartbreak in marriage."
And it's the "leaving things better than we found them" idea that I wanted to talk about.
While I do think that if you date someone with kindness and authenticity, you can leave them better than you found them (maybe you expanded their horizons, taught them something, brought them joy, helped them grow, etc.), I also think there are ways to do this in almost any area of life.
And the more people that do this, the nicer the world will be!
I don't think it's possible to do it perfectly, but I want to live my life so that the places I've been and the people I've interacted with are better for me having been there.
I thought I'd list a few ways I think we can do this and then I'd love to hear your ideas in the comments (I'm guessing most of them will cost little to nothing).
I hope that after I spend a day with my patients, I have left them feeling better than before (both physically and emotionally).
I try to clean up little messes in the unit nourishment room (the room where we get snacks and drinks for patients), and I do things like tightening the handles on the drawers, which are always coming loose. Those are small efforts, but they leave the room a little better than I found it.
When I listen to an upset patient and say, "That must be so frustrating/disappointing/difficult." and then they calm down, I leave them better than I found them.
I try to leave my patient rooms a little more stocked than they were when I found them (with extra gloves or thermometer probe covers, for example).
Yesterday when I was at the gym, I saw a guy put all the dumbbells back in order before taking his off the shelf; he left the weight room a little better than he found it.
A couple of times recently, some fellow gym-goers have said things to me like, "I see you are working really hard. Great job!" and that left me better than I was before.
When I take a plane ride, I often will purposely choose a seat near someone with a small child because I know flying with a toddler/baby is stressful. And since I am not bothered by babies or children, I can provide some relief to that parent. Hopefully that leaves the parent less stressed than when I found them!
When we repurpose or rehab old things, we are most certainly leaving them better than we found them.
When you fix up a house and give it some TLC, you leave it better than you found it for the next owners.
When people pick up trash on their walks, they're leaving the path better than they found it.
When we greet strangers with kindness and a smile, when we are friendly to a cashier, and when we dispense, "Thank you so much!" and, "You're welcome!" with abandon, we leave people better than we found them.
I know there are lots of other examples so tell me:
How do you leave things better than you found them?
(and the corollary: how have people left you better than when they found you?)
Kristen, I really love that perspective. I'm going to take it to work with me today. I need to have a difficult conversation with an employee today, but if I think about helping her to be better, instead of a reprimand, that's good for both of us, thank you.
Oh those books. I remember reading them too, and after I married, reading books like His Needs Her Needs, etc. Thank you for calling that culture out for what it is. It still lingers in me a little, the whole "submit to your husband" no matter what. Not always, but its a battle in my mind and reactions sometimes.
@MommaJo, all I can say is the "submit" excrement (I'd rather use the rhyming word) is total BS. It really, really pisses me off that there are parents raising their daughters to be nothing but dependent and doormats. I think I'd best stop.
@Selena, Man, I never knew about this hateful practice. It does explain the consistently high divorce rate.
Yes; I am definitely not going to be doing that in a future marriage. God equipped me with a good brain that is capable of having wise thoughts and making good decisions, and so future husband and I will just need to work together to come to agreements and compromises on things. I am not giving up my personal autonomy again, even if future husband is a really super duper wonderful guy.
Mutual or nothin', I say!
@Kristen, That future man will a) be very lucky, and b) not want you to be subjugated. The very thought will be abhorrent to him. A full partner in life is the dream for all good people.
@Kristen, absolutely!
Having an equal partner in marriage is such a gift - support when it’s needed, (good) challenges to be more of yourself, encouragement to be independent, etc.
My parents’ marriage is like this, despite my mom being raised to be a submit-to-your-husband Southern housewife. My dad loved/loves her spunk and independent streak, and challenged her throughout their marriage to do things SHE wanted to do, pursue professional development & hobbies, not just follow him around. They made decisions together, and we saw that as kids (and it influenced OUR expectations for partners!).
She frequently comments that her life would have been very different if she’d married someone who expected a dependent housewife!
@Kristen, I am now married to someone who from the start wanted to know my opinions. About everything. Our marriage is a partnership, and yes he drives me crazy sometimes with questions (about everything!), but it is really nice to have a partner. There's still a struggle in me that looks for signs of controlling, but he's truly someone that wants a partner.
So, hopefully this will be encouraging to you, guys like this are out there!
It might be worth mentioning that the idea of a wife submitting to her husband, characterized above as "excrement," is not a contrivance of men to dominate women, but is rather a directive found in the Bible, which, to a Christian, is an authoritative text. The dynamic of submission is not contrary to a relationship of mutual love and respect, but is a God-ordained component of such a relationship and, further, a microcosmic picture of the body of believers submitting to Christ. Submitting to a husband does not mean that you don't have a good brain or that your are relinquishing your intellect or wisdom - it reflects an authority structure laid out in both Old and New Testament scripture wherein a man leads a family and a woman joins him as his helpmeet. Her submission does not reflect inferiority in value or significance, but rather her role in a relationship. The notion of submission and self-sacrifice is abhorrent to our modern culture, but it is clearly stated in scripture and is foundational to the Christian ethic. For a non-Christian who rejects scriptural authority or the Biblical sexual ethic this dynamic is perhaps vile and inscrutable. But for the Christian who loves Jesus and therefore desires to obey Him, submission is a fundamental part of relationship, both to God and, for a wife, to a husband.
Kristen, you--and the commentariat--leave this corner of the Internet better than you found it, too.
@Darlene, this is so very true - and it was perceptive and kind of you to point that out. It's heartwarming to think of all of the goodness that gets sent out into the world on the ripples Kristen and her followers generate!
@Darlene, hear, hear!
@Darlene, oh yes, this is so true! Thank you, Kristen!
@Darlene, I second that emotion!
@ErikaJS, I see what you did there! ;-}
@Darlene, Definitely! There's a reason that not only am I still a faithful reader, I read the comments as well. Kristen has fostered a group that makes the world a little better for us.
@Darlene, Agree! This little corner of the Internet is a bright spot for sure!
@Darlene, Absolutely yes!
@JDinNM, 😉
@Darlene, So true!!!
@Darlene, yes!
I had just had lunch with a friend a couple weeks ago & was walking back to my car when a woman in her 20’s stopped me (I’m 59) & said- I love your style. You look great. I nearly melted & recommitted to handing out compliments generously! She definitely left me better than she found me
@Diane, that makes me want to see what you were wearing!
I LOVE THIS! One of my favorite songs of the year is literally called “Leave It Better Than You Found It” by Judah & The Lion. It’s a bop!
Here are a snippet of the lyrics:
“And I guess that I hope, when it's my time to go
That they say I was alive, and I tried to be kind
And at times at bars with karaoke, I fully ascend
That I left this place better, than I found it”
Thinking of ways I can do this professionally and personally:
• when I prepare manuscripts for our copy editors, leaving notes to alert them to weird situations so they aren’t surprised
• encouraging my authors when they are distressed about deadlines or peer reviews
• encouraging my coworkers when they are going through a rough time, or when they’ve done a really good job
• cleaning up errors in metadata for even the older books when I see it, because every book deserves to be read by the right person and tidy metadata helps that!
• encouraging my friends when they are struggling, with little texts or notes, or even baked goods
• picking up trash on the ground when I see it
• looking for the positive in people’s actions/words, not looking to read intended slight
• voting with my dollar, as the comments over at the NCA yesterday discussed. Supporting businesses (small, hyper local, aligned with my values) but patronizing them instead of others
Kristen, this is really an interesting and thought-provoking topic! Coincidentally, two memorable instances of "making things better" occurred during our trip to Nashville earlier this month. At some point during every performance at the Grand Ole Opry, they bring up the house lights and ask any veterans in the audience to stand so they can be recognized. The round of applause is always outstanding. (So, gratitude.) As the audience was clapping, the young man (about 12 years old) seated in front of our group turned around to see all of the veterans. When he realized that our friend Albert was standing directly behind him, he immediately thrust out his hand to shake Albert's and said, "Thank you for your service." (Respect AND gratitude.) Also on that trip, as our group was exiting a restaurant, a very young child (maybe 5 or 6 years old) held the door for us on our way out. Our friend Kathy leaned over, looked the child right in the eyes and said, "Thank you! Somebody sure raised YOU right!" (Gratitude and compliments.) Both of these instances were incredibly touching. They didn't cost a thing, but I have to believe that they warmed the hearts of everyone involved.
@Mary ~ Reflections Around the Campfire, this is a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it.
@Bee, my pleasure!
Definitely something to think about as we go along in our lives.
My “thing” is to wipe off the counter around the sink when I use a public restroom. Usually there is water splashed all around and I can’t stand that! Recently I was wiping the counter and a woman said “I’ve never seen anyone doing that before! I should do that too.”
@Addy, lol, I do this as well!
I also tidy a hotel room before my stay is over!
@Addy, I do that, too. I am short so have often gotten my sleeves wet while reaching over the counter. Thus, I try to leave it dry for the next person.
@Linda Sand, I am not short and still manage to get my shirt wet a lot, so I find myself wiping lots of public counters. In regular restrooms I do it for my own benefit, but on trains and planes I think of it as for the next person.
I think one of the larger, less specific ways we can leave the world better is by raising the next generation to also make it better. So, for all the teachers and parents who are doing the daily work of helping to form the next generation of betterers, way to go. The lasting effects of that can be hard to see in the daily instruction, but they are profound.
@kristin @ going country, I should perhaps not have limited it to teachers and parents, as there are all kinds of ways everyone helps children learn to live lives of service. So we'll just say teachers in the broad sense--not just in a school--and caregivers.
@kristin @ going country, I have always felt that my children are my greatest work. I worked harder at parenting than anything that I have ever done. Although each of my children has chosen a different path, each is kind, well-mannered, smart, and engaged. When I leave this world, I know that it will be a better place with them in it.
@Bee, Yup. That's the goal. Thank you for putting in the work.
@Bee, I also have said that my greatest accomplishment in life is my children. And that they will model & share their life's lessons with their children.
@Bee,both of my adult children leave me wondering how I could have such a fantastic outcome. Obviously, there was others also investing in them. It always felt like my prayers for assistance were being answered. I know this qualifies as bragging..but is more THANKFULNESS
@BRENDA,
I don't see it as bragging, but more as gratitude. Gratitude that all of your efforts, as well as those of others, resulted in your kids turning out so well.
@Liz B., Gratitude is exactly the right word. I am certainly thankful that things turned out well. Sadly, my children did not come with directions and I soon found that no two were alike. At times, I prayed. I cried (privately). I had days when I was overwhelmed and exhausted. However, where there is love anything is possible.
Hi, Long time reader in Australia. I am a high school teacher (7 to 12 here) and those little things really help you through. The hand-made greeting card because 3 months ago you let a student know of an art contest in the neighbouring library district, a bunch of flowers because after 12 hours a fortnight for two years they appreciate your patience, consistence and desire to foster a room of "curious minds want to know"! Thank you Kristen for this lovely and safe harbour (deliberate!) of the internet. Rebecca
Kristen, You and your community rock.
I have walked shopping carts back to their rightful stores, sometimes from our neighborhood and sometimes from other locations and often within a parking lot.
I pick up nails, screws, and other items that can potentially puncture tires. That led to picking up other metal objects in the road and then giving it away as scrap metal when there is a lot of it.
I also focus on people directly.
I share articles I think others might enjoy (the digital version of clipping a newspaper article and sending it).
I let people go ahead of me in line at a store if they have just a few items.
This time of year I give grocery store cashiers a card with a bit of money tucked inside.
Just echoing "thank you" for the words of wisdom. I will think about this often. Have a good Wednesday!
- I return grocery carts others have left. I don't know their situation and don't know why the cart gets abandoned.
- I hold the door for people like everyone else. BUT I pay special attention to young moms with small children. I have waited extra time patiently.
- I have cleaned up the office kitchen when I make coffee. I now work from home and this isn't relavant but is so important
@Amy cheapohmom, as a young mom with small children, I really appreciate it! Never enough hands for everything!
@Carla G, Mine might be in their 20s, but I remember the effort it took to get them anywhere.
@Amy cheapohmom, and reassure them that the so-called bother or delay is neither. A calm parent leads to a calm child, making the world a little better for everyone there.
I remember a particularly unhappy toddler on a flight I had, kid just could not calm down. I sent the parent a barf bag full of goldfish and an encouraging note. Next I knew, the kid was enjoying the goldfish and burbling at the parent.
@WilliamB,
I'm assuming, of course, that you meant goldfish crackers, but seeing as those barf bags are meant to contain liquids...I'm thinking a toddler would be even more subdued by a bag full of live goldfish...too bad you would never be able to get that through security...)
@Becca, ha! Good point, that is what I meant. Now you have me wondering: could you bring the fish if they werent in water (refilling on the other side of security)? Or maybe on 3.5 oz of water?
@WilliamB, Pretty sure you'd miss your flight while they were figuring that out...
@JDinNM, That got an actual, loud laugh from me. I bet you’re right!
Reminds me of the time I flew to Chile. I tried to convince the Chilean authorities that I should be able to take the carrots into Chile because although the carrots were bought in the US, they were grown and packaged in Chile and I hadn’t opened them. They did chuckle even as they turned me down.
@Becca, strangely enough, last year I was waiting to board a plane and several people ahead of me, someone had a container of live fish! I believe it was a plastic lidded container, rather than a bag… but I was so tempted to ask what the parameters for that being allowed (might have asked if I had been in closer proximity)
I work at/am a member of a church with a vast old building. Our cleaner - also a member - has more building to clean than she has paid hours to do it in. There are also spiders, birds, bats, and the occasional squirrel to clean up after. So I try to tidy and clean when I notice something amiss - pulling out the vacuum to clean up after an outside group used the fellowship hall, wiping up spider webs I find under a pew in a less-used corner of the sanctuary, etc. When others say, "Oh, M--- will get that," I gently let them know that she's actually contracted to clean for less than a third of the hours of our previous cleaner, so we all need to pitch in when we can to keep the building tidy.
@Kate, Boo to those others. I hope your good example encourages others to do the same.
@Kate,
I'm wondering if those folks know the person is being paid so much less. Not to give them a reason not to help, but just wondering. Good on you for spreading the idea of everyone helping.
Yes! This totally resonates with me. My dad was a boy scout leader when he was young and taught us to always leave a place better than how we found it. Picking up trash, making your bed, saying please and thank you, being kind. It costs nothing but makes the world a better place.
So many things, big and small, are making the world better every day!
People giving pedestrians and cyclists right of way when it is raining (if traffic safely allows this);
People in shops handing items from the top shelves to someone who cannot reach them;
People wheeling the trash containers to the curb for a sick neighbour;
People remaining patient and friendly while waiting in a queue or while entering/descending from crowded trains and buses. The list goes on -
My parents set a good example in this, not by telling, buy by showing.
The one that comes immediately to mind: I pick up trash wherever I go, both indoors and outdoors. When I'm on an outdoor walk, I bring a bag. An added benefit is that I set an example for others - and it is good exercise, too!
Oh, boy does this resonate on so many levels. My example may seem off the wall, but the memory was triggered as I read the post, so I'll share it.
I dated quite a bit, because I knew I would "know" when the right person came along. Turns out I did, but it took way longer than I ever would have guessed. Therefore, I have lots of "boyfriend stories."
One in particular taught me to only make a 20% down payment on a home and never prepay the mortgage, because there were better ways to utilize your money, such as saving for retirement. I had a large mortgage at the time and desperately wanted to pay it off. I was very resistant to the message, because I didn't really understand investing and I hated debt. I cannot tell you how many times he patiently walked me through the math before it finally sunk in. This advice literally helped me to retire early, for which I am grateful every single day. The relationship didn't work out, but the financial lessons learned literally changed the course of my life.
Yes, this is a perfect example of what I mean! The boyfriend that gave you that advice was an important blessing, even if the relationship didn't end up in marriage.
It's always a pleasure to meet someone who's good at this — whether naturally or by intentionally cultivating it.
One of the people who works in our village office is absolutely top-notch when it comes to knowing who needs what when, and then also being the right level of insistent in making it happen. It's an enviable trait.
@Karen., Our small village has a stellar Fire Department thanks to our Fire Chief, who organizes EVERYTHING from drive-through Covid vaccinations to food and Christmas gifts for the families she knows need a helping hand to back-to-school supplies -- you name it, she's on it, and she knows exactly who needs help. She takes my breath away.
@JDinNM, Wow, that’s just lovely to hear. We all should live in a village such as yours.
I have learned to give a compliment when I think about it! I have, in the last couple years, stopped coloring my hair and let my silvers shine. It makes SUCH a difference when someone compliments my hair, and so when I see someone whose outfit I love, or whose hairstyle I love, or who just did a great job at something, I say so! A few weeks ago, my husband and I were out and a sweet lady told us "you make such an elegant couple". It was so kind and made us smile.
I have found this especially important with children. Our church's Christmas program was last Sunday. They did a great job and when I saw children after the service, I told them what a great job they did! After a child in our church is baptized, I always send a card in the mail. When someone announces they're expecting, I send a card in the mail. No one sends snail mail anymore, and I am always amazed at how appreciative people are.
My goal is always to perfect "the art of noticing". When I stop focusing on myself, and "notice" others (to celebrate them or grieve with them or offer comfort or thanks), it always leaves them (and me!) better! And I have learned that I can't just THINK about doing something, I have to actually follow through and DO IT!
Thanks for your thoughtful posts that always nudge us to be better and do better!
I agree with this entirely!
As an introvert, I normally wouldn't say much beyond the polite pleases and thank yous. I finally started making the effort to give a compliment, where appropriate, on something they have done or are doing, such as "You handled that customer well," "You have been so helpful, thanks!" "Thank you for taking the time for looking up that information for me when you were busy." I get pleasant smiles in response, and often, surprised smiles. It is getting easier as I keep practicing it.
Leave it better than you found it is indeed a good idea, and it's one I follow when I can. Wiping counters, refilling empty toilet paper and paper towel spindles, picking up behind myself, returning my cart, putting my trash in the appropriate container, putting something back on the shelf that someone knocked off, re-folding or re-hanging the clothing at which I had looked in stores, taking items I'd carried into the changing room back out to the return racks, pulling ahead at the gas pump so people can pull in behind me and not have to back up to the pump in front of me, moving my car from the pumps once I've fueled up instead of leaving it there while I go inside to use the bathroom or buy something - the things I would appreciate someone doing for me.
As far as leaving people with whom we had a relationship better, I do have one example that is a bit different in method. My daughter once dated a nice young man for over a year while they were in college. He'd started a year before her but was behind her in getting his courses done. His parents were able to pay his way out of pocket, so money wasn't the issue; he was just really dragging it out, taking one or two courses a semester, working a little part-time and spending a lot of time playing video games. She finally broke up with him, explaining that he was drifting and needed to decide what he was going to do with his life. He was hurt and she felt badly about that, but about two-three years later, she heard from a mutual friend that he had straightened up after the breakup, started going to school full-time and had finished his degree, getting a real job after graduation.
This is so important Kristen and useful. We are told to "Be kind" to make others happy as well as ourselves. So open-ended. Here, you define a specific way to be kind. So helpful.
My PT often asked how my weekend was. It occurred to me one day to ask her in return. She looked so surprised, then happy. It was off the cuff for me, I’m naturally curious about everyone I meet, will chat with strangers in line.
But I learned from that experience that people who deal with the public are often overlooked and harried. They appreciate a genuine inquiry about their day just as much as we all do. Leaving people better than we found them, indeed.
@ErikaJS, I do this all the time. I've gotten many heartfelt responses.
I was out of the office for two weeks because of my surgery. When I got to the front door yesterday, one co-worker rushed to open the door for me since I was using a knee scooter. When I entered the lobby, there were 4 people there with smiles saying how glad they were to see me. After recovering at home for 2 weeks, their warm greeting definitely left me better than when I left home.
I have always found it amazing that just a few kind words or kind gesture can change absolutely everything. There have been times when the kindness of others really made a huge impact on me.
Many years ago when my children were 6, 3, and 1, my eldest played soccer. We had a Saturday morning game at 9:00am. My husband was out of town, and it was my turn to bring game snacks. As you can imagine, it was a chaotic morning.
When we arrived at the field, we had a long walk. My hands were full, and I had a baby on one hip. My eldest shoe came untied and he stopped to tie it himself. I was trying to hurry him along so he wouldn’t be late. My 3 year-old was having a temper tantrum. He didn’t have ordinary tantrums. If he was worked up enough, he would throw himself on the ground screaming then he would hold his breath until he passed out. The littlest was crying because she was tired. I was very stressed. Of course, I was receiving judgmental stares from the other mothers as I tried to managed the situation.
I was on the verge of tears when one of the fathers emerged from the crowd and helped me. He took the snacks from me, helped my son tie his shoe, and brought my son and the snacks to his coach. I was able to wait for the 3-year olds temper tantrum to pass. Although I was thoroughly embarrassed, my children and I watched my eldest play.
Afterwards, I thanked this kind man who told me he had 5 children. But he also said something like — Even the best parents have bad days and need a little help. I’m glad I was here to help.
That was nearly 30 years ago, I still remember his kindness. Although I am sure that he has forgotten all about this day, it was because of him that I made through the morning.
I also love your take & will try & adopt more of these.
A few that I practice regularly:
-I always collect stray shopping carts when I'm entering the grocery store, particularly any blocking any actual spot.
-I pick up trash while I'm at my kids sporting events (usually at a park or a school)
-I give away a lot on BN (trying to be a good neighbor)
I was thinking of something similar last night with DS18's girlfriend. Do I think they will be together forever? Unlikely, given that they are high school sweethearts going to colleges in two different states. However she's had some serious challenges with her parents (similar to what you note about purity culture, Kristen) & yet she's an absolutely incredible kid. I want to be an adult in her life that she can talk to, or just feel like she can be herself around (that's not really happening at home). Basically, when/if things end with DS18, I want to have contributed to it still having been a positive experience for her.
YES to your last paragraph. That's how I view my kids' dating relationships; I hope the person they choose to date is better for having spent time in our family unit, even if that time is limited.
I remember when I was early in my teaching career, I heard advice to "find your marigold" and "be a marigold." The notion behind this is that marigolds are good companion plants that often help other plants to grow. I've always loved the image of seeking to be a marigold to coworkers and students (and my family and children now too), and thinking about which coworkers are more marigold-y and support the growth of everyone around them. Anyways, this advice reminds me of that 🙂
@Sam,
Marigolds are great companion plants because they keep the pests away that will destroy a plant. So having a Merigold in your life is very important.
I love that metaphor!
So in relationships is that like my life is so much better now that you are out of it? I do think my ex said something like that so yay me! But like frank said in mash, it’s nice to be nice to the nice.
Haha, no, I was thinking more along the lines of what I said in the post. Like, maybe you have helped the person grow, or exposed them to new experiences, or helped heal something in them, or provided support, and so on.
I know it’s not always possible to leave someone better than you found them in a romantic relationship but I think it’s a beautiful thing when we can do that.
@Kristen, I don’t know. To me it kinda makes something nice you did null and void when you have to innumerate it and give yourself credit for it. Like Matt 6:1-4 says. But I realize that kinda thinking isn’t real popular but I like it better.
I view it more as us sharing ideas with each other, so that we can get even better at leaving things better than we found them. 🙂
But if that makes you uncomfortable, it's also helpful to share ways that other people have left you better than they found you. That can also give the rest of us ideas!
@Tiana, I feel the same way. I like to do things for others because it makes me happy, because it's the right thing to do, and because it is what Jesus taught us. It actually embarrasses me when others notice or remark on it, because I prefer to do it anonymously.
That said, I still miss things, and as an introvert, I strive to be more like my husband, who will start up a conversation with anyone, anywhere--even in elevators! lol It may only be a hi, it's nice outside, isn't it? as he passes someone sitting on a bench, or in a waiting room, but he almost always draws a smile out of someone wherever he is.
Oh, and count me Team Pure.
I would feel slightly embarrassed if a co-worker walked in on me tightening the handles of the drawers in the nourishment room. lol I don't even know exactly why.
@Tiana, I know what you mean. In that sense, I think this post is atypical of the blog. Usually the Commentariat talks about things done for us, or what we're thanks full for, and so on. It's nice to share ideas and brag a little every now and then. But not too often lest it feel overwhelmingly self-congratulatory.
I love this!
One time I was in the shop and someone had knocked lots of cans of drinks off a display and all over the floor. I picked them all up and put them back because I didn't want someone to trip and hurt themselves. Those are the things I try and do 🙂
I try hard to say something supportive and kind when friends and family share with me.I work hard to avoid useless “Advice” and just BE THERE unless SPECIFICALLY asked for advice.
I do as you do, try to. keep my home, my environment and everywhere I go, a little neater or cleaner, a little nicer in some way or another..I appreciate beauty and calm in all things so I try to be a force of good in this world ,not a contributor to sadness or sorrow, or general messiness.
I also soo appreciate when someone does this for me. Just having someone say” Wow, it must be hard” when I have a problem. .it goes miles..
Relationships: I see a very different world than when I was young and dating..many of us met our spouses through school,college, church, etc.. nowadays people wait a lot longer to commit and so they are dating more, and finding potential partners from a much wider and diverse population.I feel lucky I knew my husband when we were younger— we came from very similar background..we share the same VALUES which has been the most important thing to support the longevity of my marriage.
I think your example and hard work ethic in all areas is the greatest gift you’re giving your girls and they will do great!
@Madeline, Your first comment is so good. It's such a gift when someone listens then asks if you want their advice/feedback versus assuming you do. My husband has become quite good at this over years, and it's one of things I love about him.
Quick little anecdote: I recently went to New York for the first time. At the Statue of Liberty, I was inspired to spend about 15 minutes offering to take family photos for everyone I saw struggling with selfies. I wonder how many Christmas card photos I took.
In Alcoholics Anonymous, we have a step where we make amends for our part in any relationship. The reason we make the mends is not to become "good people" but to free ourselves from the bondage of alcoholism and to finally walk in the sunshine of the spirit. Ironically, in the process, we do become good people. All service is a symbiotic experience.
@Mary Ann,
I just wanted to thank you for speaking so openly about your journey to and through sobriety. I have learned through your comments.
@Mary Ann,
That was very self-less (lol) of you to take all of those family selfies. I know those families were very grateful, because for most of us - how often are you at the Statue of Liberty? I'm thinking LOTS of Christmas card photos that you took are on their way to the recipients.
I like to always grab stray shopping carts and put them back on the way into the grocery store, and I always return mine to the collection area. Disclaimer- I shop at Aldi where you do the quarter for the cart and return it, but do this for other stores that have carts!
I like to make full dinners for an older man I met in my apartment years ago.
He has no family, and his health has declined. Not much effort for me, but he enjoys it !
I love to compliment random people.
“I love your shoes!”
“Your kids are just so pleasant and nice”
“You are doing such a great job doing (whatever)
I almost always try to be a driver that is polite and lets others into my lane, etc.
I smile and say hello to people, instead of just walking by them
I’ve received the “filling of my emotional cup” when my patients compliment both my expertise and my kindness/ patience.
@Kim from Philadelphia,
That older man is blessed by you and the dinners you bring him. I can't tell you how many older patients of mine - single by choice, or by the death of their spouse/partner - either don't know how to cook (because their spouse/partner always did it), or feel like "it's too much trouble for 'just me'". Often, this is compounded by health issues that make it even more difficult to make or assemble a meal.
Anyway, thank you for bringing him meals.
Listen. Really listen. Don’t just pretend to be listening when you’re only thinking about what you can’t wait to say.
Thank people when they help you. And tell their employers/managers/parents how helpful they were and how much you appreciated them. When possible send a follow up compliment in writing or an email so it gets into their “record”. And make sure to send them a copy.
Notice people. Acknowledge them. That lady supervising the self-checkout lines at the grocery store? Smile and say hello and “thank you have a good day.” When lines permit, skip the self checkout and interact with a real person/cashier who has been on his/her feet all day and have a real conversation. About anything/nothing at all.
Talk to your neighbors. Wave when you see them. Say hi to their dogs. By name. (Okay. That might just be me.)
Smile.
@JDinNM, Oh, and when in doubt, remind yourself "This isn't about me."
@JDinNM, I know many of the neighborhoods dogs names. 🙂 And can distinguish who is barking. I think pet owners relate because of the love & bond they have with their own dog/cat/4 legged family member.
@JDinNM, in school one prof had as a quiz question " what is the name of the janitor who cleans the room after class?" Regular question and not extra credit. That really drove home the lesson that people and their names are important.
It's taken me a while to write this because I've been struggling to find the words. I don't think I need to make a list of things I try to do to leave things better than I found them; regular readers will know these. But I do need to pay tribute to one good man who left me better than he found me: my DH.
All during the "active and equal" first three-fourths of our marriage, DH was my model for expressing generosity, kindness, humor, and empathy, often in ways I didn't pick up in my family of origin. (He didn't pick up all of these in his family of origin, either.) And even when Alzheimer's began taking him away from me, that part of him remained with him till fairly far along in the process. Hanging in my office is a halting, misspelled tribute to me that he did in his cognitive care art class, complete with little doodles, that means so much to me I still tear up when I look at it. I've tried ever since to be the person my darling thought I was.
@A. Marie, ❤
Aww, this is a beautiful example of what I'm talking about, and I am delighted for you that you had this experience in your marriage.
Sending you love.
@A. Marie, How and when did you two meet?
@A. Marie,
That's so sweet! (I may be sniffling) What a wonderful tribute to you and him both. My DH had a challenging personality - our daughter described him very accurately in her eulogy as "hard to love, but impossible not to love." I will always credit him for this: he taught me generosity and how to not to fear scarcity, things that my Depression-era parents did not teach, and I'm much the better for it!
@JDinNM, we met at the local university in the English department's graduate program. He was a postdoctoral fellow and I was a first-year master's candidate. Once we worked out a few bobbles related to the six-year age difference and a few previous relationships, there was no stopping us.
@A. Marie, You were so blessed to find one another.
@A. Marie, I think that that is what most (if not all) of us strive for, your perfect example of your loving relationship. Thank you for sharing. <3
@A. Marie, This is beautiful and touching. Thank you for once again sharing the deep love and companionship that you had with your husband with all of us. It's truly a gift to get a peek into a relationship like yours.
@A. Marie, lovely, just lovely.
@A. Marie, yours was a beautiful love story. DH was a wonderful man. I see this kindness and generosity in you.
@A. Marie, wow, that's a thoroughly touching memorial. The characteristic must've been deep, that he retained it so long into his decline. I can see I don't need to say "may his memory be a blessing" because it clearly is. Not just for you but for us as well, as you share him with us.
@A. Marie, I’ve always considered yours to be a beautiful love story so I’m glad to know the origin. His unfortunate illness is a tragedy. He was lucky to have you to care for him so well. I’ll never forget how caring your efforts were during that phase.
Years ago I observed a woman in a public restroom carefully wiping around the basin after washing her hands. Honestly, that had never occurred to me, but now I couldn't possibly leave an untidy sink or counter in public restrooms or anywhere else. It only takes a moment and I often will wipe down all surroundings areas. As stated by others, it is a small thing, but I feel that I am leaving things a little bit better.
@Sandra, as well as picking up (carefully mind you) paper towels that did not "hit" the receptacle on the first try. A previous employer (who I wish had never been part of the parent companies "merger") had a wonderful maintenance staff (and reasonably priced cafeteria I should add). When the "merger" occurred, the wonderful maintenance staff were let go - the "head" company would outsource their mothers to save a penny. Cold and flu season was awful - overflowing receptacles in all restrooms. At the time, the main building was on the outskirts of the suburb - all of a sudden mice became an issue (thankfully I was not in the main building). The "new" operators of the cafeteria did not have the hygienic standards of our previous operator and maintenance staff.
I have an abundance of empathy for those involved in cleaning. Our hotel room is *never* untidy. And we tip housekeeping.
you're the absolute best 🙂
I grew up with the backpacker's mindset of leaving the camp better than you found it but never thought to apply the formulation to people even though it's something I've been making overt efforts to do since the pandemic started. Specifically, I work to be pleasant to people with whom I interact.
- If I'm dealing with customer service, I always say "the company" and never "you", and don't get upset in their direction unless they're the one who messed up.
- I give grace to server/cashier when the place is crazy (which often has the unintentional benefit of getting me better service or upgraded stuff).
- If the server/cashier has been particularly good, I ask for the manager to tell them that. I've also learned to tell the server that I want to share my good experience; usually wanting to see the manager means bad news coming and I don't want to leave them in dread.
@WilliamB, Yes, ha. In a shoe store I wanted to praise the employee who went out of their way to find exactly what I needed.
So, at checkout, I asked to see the manager. The clerk's look of fear made me quickly say, "Oh, it’s not about you."
When the manager arrived, the clerk hovered nearby to find out who had messed up. Upon hearing the praise from me, she looked so surprised. I guess it’s mostly complainers that speak up. That’s sad.
@ErikaJS, the rule of thumb in the service industry is 10:1 ratio of negative to positive.
My two favorites: holding doors and letting someone cut the line in a store. I love being on either end of these interactions. The door thing in particular is a peeve of mine if others don't do it, such a simple thing, often taken for granted if someone does it for you, but seemingly rude if they don't.
omg kristin you have made the world a better place in spades. this community you created out of nothing is evidence of that.
But really, all of YOU have made this community what it is! 🙂
@Kristen, sorry i spelled. your name wrong. i am such an eeejit.
My last house we lived in every time we had to repair/replace something I would always replace with bigger/better version knowing that it would do future owner a service allowing them to not have to replace quickly & allow more to be done. The past owners were only 2 people compared to our 4 people (then 3 people when older moved out during college). I assumed that future people may be more (big house with room for more).
I had new stand by/built in generator (finally) installed for (old) house & when ordered I got bigger version (only cost couple hundred dollars more than smaller one) knowing that there was the ability to do more in the future. Even after old house sold again, I contacted the generator service & had them send (still valid) service warranty info & when needed serviced as had not been done since I owned. Same with water softener & (water) bladder tank, best/bigger version (I could afford) that would benefit (future) people living in house.
Older child when got first apartment we installed (permanent) cabinet in bathroom for storage. When older child moved, we left cabinet attached to wall (in good shape) & scrubbed/cleaned everything. Older child left apartment in better shape than previously & was only person (was told] that ever received deposit back.
So many other examples, but just knowing I'm doing the best I can with what I have at that time is all that really matters.
That's the easy stuff, you would think. But I do know that is not always the case.
@Regina, kudos to you and the aforementioned landlord. My buddy's parents cleaned their apartment when they moved. Landlord did not return security deposit. Little did he know buddy's dad was a lawyer. Guess who got her security deposit back?
I loved your dating advice! We have 3 adult children, two are married but my middle son had a bad experience and hadn't dated in years. He finally put himself out there and met someone online. While the relationship only lasted about 10 months, I truly believe they are better for the relationship. I know my son is. He is an introvert and loves working at home. She is an outgoing nurse at a busy hospital.
He has really come out of his shell and she enjoyed dates going to book stores, coffee shops and putting together puzzles. They remain good friends and talk daily. So yes, you are right, you can date and leave things better. Dating doesn't have to end in scorched earth and a miserable breakup. Your other examples are excellent ways to live your life. Thanks!
I think this is a lovely example of how a dating relationship could leave both people better than before. Love it!
Interesting topic. We can’t predict our influence on others, but dating continues to be fraught. One of my closest college friends shared her father’s dating advice: as soon as you are sure that you would not or could not marry a person, you should break up. Misleading another person in an area where trust is so important just wrong, even allowing for the scariness of being single again. What we share of our lives, and families, and interests and skills, is a natural bonus of being social animals. Nothing wrong with doing intentional good, but it is a tricky path.
@Kristina, while I whole heartedly agree with that dating advice, unfortunately many people dating today (from what I've seen & heard) are not looking for dating to marry. Just looking for someone to fill in some needs (companionship, sex, roommate (sometimes with benefits), care taker. And this is not just 20-30's people. To even mention your wise dating advice to this group of people is mostlyvlaughed at when said. Glad that's not my thing.
@Regina, I’m glad too. Happily married 46 years and counting! But I saw both my sisters suffer awful divorces while I was in my early 20s . Made me more cautious, perhaps. And I wanted a long term relationship, which clearly wasn’t guaranteed. So my hope for youngsters is to have fun, but be careful about who is worthy of deep trust and reliance. How to do that? Maybe more talking, more time?
And more being willing to cut it off if it's not right. There was so much emphasis in purity culture on not breaking up (they said it was just practice for divorce), that I think a lot of us got married to people we had hesitations about.
Yesterday I was in line to pay for some See's candies and there was an older gentleman in front of me. He finished his transaction and turned to me and said with sincerity and genuineness "Happy Holidays to you." I felt as if he was truly wishing me well. I found it touching. I left there feeling better than when I walked in.
Sweet post!
Here's some people that come to mind:
- Years ago our son was very sick in the ICU, that was a difficult week to say the least. Everyone was very kind, but I especially remember the lady who came in to take the trash out. She always smiled and I got to where I looked forward to when she'd come in because it was like a little beam of sunshine during those dark days.
- Many times a random message from a friend has cheered me up.
- A time a fellow passenger told a bunch of us about an unannounced gate change and we all ran together to make our flight. When he heard the news he could've just grabbed his family and ran, but he took the time to let all the rest of us know to. And we made the flight...huffing and puffing.
@Katy @ Practical Walk,
There is an Environmental Services employee (Isaac) who comes to our office to empty the trash cans every day that he's on duty (he comes in the late afternoon; its a shared office with about 9 office cubes in it). He is always so pleasant and kind; he noticed that I was gone for awhile (I was out on a 3 month medical leave last year, related to getting a knee replacement), and seemed genuinely happy that I was back, and doing well. One day, I asked him what his job duties entail, and it's a LOT. Someone else might be bitter or angry - I know he isn't paid what he's worth - but he always has a smile on his face. It's people like him that add that little something extra to your day.
I have bitchy resting face, combined with being very tall and often bulky, plus hair that is always trying to stand straight up and out. When my sister was pretty young, she told me that I looked one of her troll dolls---a not incorrect observation. My father used to say to me, "Smile. Your face looks like you are living under Stalin." I realized that being kind was a way to have people not think I was always mad, so I learned early on to say thank you and to look people in the eye when they are serving me so that they don't feel unimportant. I try to notice people doing unappreciated jobs and voice my thanks. (A janitor at my workplace once told me I was the only person who ever asked him his name and then used it. That seemed indescribably sad, so I redoubled my efforts to remember to do this.) I am also very diligent about writing notes to people's bosses if I have received good service.
I have never, however, developed a gift for small talk. This was reinforced to me last Friday, as a matter of fact. I went to a 50th anniversary party and no one was talking to the person to my right at our table. So I smiled and asked her what she did for a living. She asked me why I asked her that, did I judge the worth of people by how much money they make? I know it is better to ask people what they like to do for fun or what they are reading or something like that. I just felt awkward, as I always do in groups, so defaulted to the first thing I could think of to say.
Lindsey, I think the person who responded to you that way is actually the one who was being socially awkward. She assumed the worst of you, a stranger, and her response to you made it awkward. If she had been more generous in her response, the awkwardness could have been avoided.
@Lindsey, ah, well, we all make social gaffes. Lord knows, I've made more than my share. But I agree with Kristen that the other person's prickly response was even more awkward/uncalled-for.
@Lindsey, i am so sorry people have been unkind to you. but please know that it is not your fault, it is theirs.
@A. Marie, and @ Lindsey,
I agree about that person's prickly response. Yikes. It's really quite a "standard" ice breaker question. (I, too, struggle with small talk.)
My daughter was admitted to emergency on Monday (she’s fine now!), but the nurses and dr were SO nice, they definitely left us better than they found us (in addition to the medical treatment, of course). I thought of you Kristen and that you are undoubtedly that kind of nurse, and how wonderful it is for a patient 🙂
Having a solo parent with a baby on a plane before, I’ve appreciated the wonderful people who sit close by and offer to hold the baby if I need to go to the bathroom or get a bag down etc. I had that kind of assistance many times.
I just spent 3 hours working on the County road ditches, clearing them of leaves, limbs, garbage. We just had many inches of rain and are expecting up to 6 inches in the next 7 days. I have a tractor, shovel and rake. My neighbor came and yelled at me that he called the County Road office...I got it done and all is well. I only did my 1/2 mile stretch.
When I am an unit "floater" I go into each room, assess the patient, organize the room and take care of patient guests. An empathetic ear goes along way towards a person's outlook on a day or situation.
Compliments and kind gestures also make the world brighter. A wonderful boss once told me that many "soldiers" (he was talking about little forest ants) doing one small thing in step with the next will make small work of a large task. He was one of my favorite directors I've ever worked for.
When teaching I always stress that your unit is only as strong as the least experienced team member. Build up as you go up.
When using a public restroom, I wash my hands then wipe the counter down for the person behind me. I always appreciate a clean counter.
How do you know who's going to be in the plane seats beside you? I've never been on a plane where you walk on and then decide where to sit. Do US airlines have this? I've flown United, Delta, American, and Southwest and I've always chosen, or been assigned, a seat in advance.
I can relate to the guy at the gym. The OCD in me would have wanted to put the weights all back in order as well.
So (too?) often people leave empty cookie/chocolates/donut boxes on the break room table and I always throw them out. Why people take the last of something and just leave the empty container there I will never understand.
If someone in line behind me has only a couple of items and I have quite a few more I always offer for them to go ahead of me.
For more than 30 years I have not put a single plastic bag or 6-pack can ring (or anything similar) in the recycling whole. I cut them up every single time so that no fish, turtles, ducks/geese/water fowl, or any other living being gets caught up in something that I've discarded. This doesn't quite fit 'leaving something better than you found it' but it contributes to not making something worse.
Southwest is like that, at least for the moment (I hear choose-your-own seating is going away soon?)
I had a delivery nurse for my first baby that gave me so much comfort and confidence in the simple ways that she helped me. She had to leave mid way and the care after was kind of cold. 16 years later I still think about her warmth and comfort from the few hours I had with her. I try to be that little smile or the reason for a happy eye roll in response to my shenanigans for others. You never know what sticks to people, I would love for it to be a bit of happiness.
When I take walks around my neighborhood, I pick up trash that I find! It makes me feel better to see it cleaned up and to think about people and animals enjoying the space more because I helped clean it up. I also report maintenance stuff I might see to the city (like damaged signs and graffiti) to get it repaired and cleaned up. It's very good for my soul knowing that I can help in this way!
I love this sentiment, and it's going to become my new mantra for myself and my kids. This is what kindness is. We can all do our part, with little effort, to make the world a better place, and to bring joy or a smile to both ourselves and others. Thank you for the uplifting post.
While I am shopping, I tidy up, picking things up off the floor and putting them back, and when I take something from the shelf, I slide the next box forward so that the shelf still looks neatly "faced." Retail is a hard job and leaving things nicer maybe helps make up for a few thoughtless slobs.
I'm younger than you Kristen and didn't grow up in a Christian home. I had a lot of "relationships" that didn't work. I got married at 20 and divorced at 23. As frustrating as it was to try and find a boyfriend I didn't let go of the dream. Met my wonderful, fantastic, and kind husband when he worked at a gas station. Four years later we were married and will celebrate 36 years in April.
I do try to be kind. I follow the thought of the more you give the more you get and this has been proven to me many times. I always buy health and beauty supplies for the food closet and donate books the free little library. We (dh and I) give to our favorite charities. Now that I'm retired and don't have to rush home to make dinner I have infinate patience. Today I waited an hour for my prescriptions and didn't throw a hissy fit. I checked in, shopped, took the shopping out to my car and then came back in the store, grabbed a bottle of water (which I paid for) and sat down on my rollator and waited. I like to tell people that I have all the time in the world; I'm in no rush.
I told my son and daughter to find partners who make them laugh. My son has and my daughter is still looking.
I've never thought about this perspective with dating relationships but this is so good.
I got married in the 80s just before the purity culture exploded. I dated a lot of people, most of them only one time. But every single one of them I compared them to the man I eventually married. I think I was pretty star-struck with him from the start. I'm glad that I dated others though. I think it's a good thing to do & you can date many people & still be pure. You aren't making a commitment or professing your love to them. You're just enjoying a friendship that could lead to more.
We've been married 37 yrs & my Charlie just came home from having a bypass surgery last week. So we have some first hand experience at nurses that leave you better than they found you. I have no words to say for how grateful we are for people like you do the hard jobs like nursing.
I try to offer authentic compliments to complete strangers…it can be as simple as ‘cute shoes’ to ‘you look great today’.
Just like Kristen looks for things to be grateful for, I look for things to pick people up. We never know what’s going on in someone’s life…sometimes one true compliment or nice interaction can have influences we’ll never know or see.
I read your blog and feel better than I was before, every time. Thank you.
I was in my teens in the 70s and had three older sisters who were dating at the time. Though I wasn't dating anyone, my Dad always told my sisters that they needed "to see other people" than the boyfriend that they were exclusively dating. We thought it annoying, but I guess he had a point.
I know that I am older than you, but I've never heard of that dating perspective that you describe. That's kinda crazy to me.
I LOVE this! I reminds me *a little* of a book I read many years ago, Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. The books talks a lot about being a "creator" instead of a "consumer"-that really hit me. I liken this idea to your philosophy of "leaving people/things better than you found them " because it takes the focus off of our own consumption. Instead, it prioritizes how we can create a better place for others.
Some ideas of leaving things better:
1. Doing someone's household chore without being asked (I'm hoping my kiddos read this-lol)
2. Sending a quick note/text to a friend checking on them/telling them how awesome they are
3. Dropping off homemade cookies/dinner to someone
4. Shoveling snow off neighbors driveways
5. Contributing kind comments on social media posts/comment sections
After thinking about this, I realize my husband (my second one that I found after dating way more than one man ;-)) is absolutely awesome at this concept. Thanks for the reminder.
My Mother, who is 88 and still going strong, does something I love. Every cashier she encounters she says to them, I hope every one is kind to you today. I just love that!!
I was in a serious relationship with a nice guy.. During our relationship he did develop a love of reading after I gave him some books I thought he would be interested in.
Over the course of our relationship I realized that we weren't the best for each other. We parted ways and went on to successful marriages
Yes, I love this!
I know that you are going to find nursing to be a great career for you. I have a strong theory that patients can tell within 30 seconds after a care giver walks into the room if that person is actually there to "take care" of them or is there because it's their job. The second ones are scary to a patient and the first ones give comfort and a feeling of security immediately. I KNOW the you are the first kind!! And thanks for that!
Long time reader, first time commenter.
This is such a beautiful way to frame the small acts that make the world better. ❤️
Merry Christmas!
I have a dog so I always have poop bags in the pockets of all clothing I own. I run a street level business in the main area of the city I live in. I pick up dog poop on the sidewalks. That does not belong to my dog. I do not like to do it. I do it anyway. So there you go. Trying to leave things better one cold turd at a time.
Kristen,
I hope you realize that even by speaking to the concept of purity culture, and representing a different perspective on that to your children, is ALSO a way you are leaving things better than you found them. I am also a product of that purity culture mindset and it's taken a lot of growth and learning and healing to get to the perspective you have now - you are giving your children a gift by sharing and encouraging a much healthier mindset. It was meaningful to me to read your thoughts on this, so I too have been left better than you found me today. Thank you.
Oh I’m glad it helped! And I’m glad you feel a little less alone in this.