I have to work at this (or, how a knife block purchase inspired a pity party)
Recently, one of my girls said something in passing about how being thankful and content comes naturally to me, and another of them said, "Nope, Mom has to work hard at this."
I have obviously never been anyone other than myself, so I don't know...maybe gratefulness comes easier to me than it does to other people, or maybe it doesn't.
What I do know for sure is that I have to repeatedly, consistently work at being content and thankful. I've gotten better with practice, but even this many years into mindfully working on gratefulness, I still have to catch myself and reframe my thoughts.
I've written about this before (remember when I got seriously discontent after going kayaking??) but I had another situation that sent me into pity party mode this week.
And since blogging is at its best when it's real and honest, I'll tell you about it.
You know how I got the knife block from Facebook Marketplace this week? Well, that's what started my pity party!
I went to pick it up at a woman's house, and when I pulled up, I saw that she lives in a beautiful waterfront downtown home, with historic charm.
There was a double-decker wrap-around porch, and when I walked into her house, I was greeted by a wide staircase, with a piano room to the right (housing a grand piano, naturally) and a beautiful dining room to the left.
I said, "Ohh, what a lovely house you have!"
And she said, "Thank you! My husband and I just downsized here, after raising our four kids."
(Ahahahahaha. Imagine this being a downsize!)
I know this may seem dumb, but man, in that moment, my life seemed so depressing and pathetic by comparison.
Here I was, buying a used knife block to hold the knives I rescued from the abandoned house. And I was bringing this home to my rented house, where I'm living after my family has fallen apart.
I know I don't know this woman's whole story, but from where I stood that day, her life seemed so very neat and tidy; like everything we imagine when we walk down the aisle.
She got married, she raised kids, and now she's got a lovely place to spend her empty-nest years with her husband.
My life's not going to be like that. My life isn't like that.
My right-now is not what I imagined. My future is not going to be what I imagined.
And on the drive home, I really was having a pity party.
Sometimes, I feel angry about my situation, and that actually is easier. The times when there is this crushing grief...those times are the most painful.
I know that I have legitimate reasons to be sad and to grieve, and believe me, I do let myself feel those feelings. I have cried gallons worth of tears this year.
But as my therapist says, that's all good as long as I don't get stuck. Waves of anger and grief can be healing, but it's more concerning to be stuck in anger or grief constantly.
Thankfully, I have lots of tools in my bag to help me get unstuck, so after I sat in my sadness for a bit, I reminded myself that I am almost always more miserable when I focus on what others have rather than focusing on what I have.
That seems to be a lesson I have to learn again and again: focusing my eyes on the good in my own life is what keeps me content and grateful. I need to keep my eyes on my lane.
For instance:
- I really do love my little rental house.
- I really do love the satisfaction of how I've creatively cobbled together a cozy home on a budget.
- It's not pathetic that my home is furnished with things from the abandoned house; the contents of that house have been such a blessing for me.
- I have everything I need here; shelter, heat, air-conditioning, space to live and work and eat and have people over.
- I feel an immense sense of freedom here.
- Lisey and Zoe and I have such fun times with each other here.
- There are a lot of reasons for me to be hopeful about what my future holds
- This year has been hard, but even the hardest days have not been as hard as what I endured before I left my marriage.
In sum, there is a lot of good here and I can see it when I turn my eyes to my own life and away from someone else's life.
As I washed my dishes that night, I put in my earbuds and listened to Taylor Leonhardt's Happy or Whatever song on repeat because I knew the lyrics were so appropriate to what I was feeling.
Last night I bought a lieI saw an ad onlineAll these smiling people had it figured outIf I could be someone elseSomeone beside myselfI might have a little less to cry aboutI'm on the other side of the glassLooking at the life they haveAin't it so much betterIt's always easier to believeIt's easy for them to beHappy or whatever
Thank you for your honesty and grace.
A raw and honest post, for sure. I agree that comparison doesn't help anything, but I actually find it a good reality check to read, say, "Women's Diaries on the Westward Journey." Talk about hard lives. It puts a lot into perspective for me.
I wish for you that these difficult moments get farther and farther between.
Oh yes, that particular kind of comparison can actually be helpful. If you're looking back at a past hard time in your own life, or you're looking at past hard times other people have been through, that can help you adjust your perspective a lot!
I saw something the other day that really resonated with me...Many of us had great-grandparents who lived through World War I, the 1918 Flu Epidemic, the Great Depression, AND World War II. Can you imagine? My gratitude goes out to them for surviving and thriving and making a safe world for us to live in!!!
@kristin @ going country,
I feel the same way when I read Nightingale, and now just finished The Four Winds. Those books, while fiction, reflect such tough times and then I look around and am so grateful.
That said, I do have some very wealthy friends and comparing myself with them inevitably brings out my green eyed monster too. Working on it though!
@nancy, my grandfather lived through all of those things. He told us when, after schools reopened after the flu epidemic, nearly all of the seats were empty. He was in high school. He lost many friends, while never getting sick himself.
@nancy, my grandmother was on of those. She had rickets as child. She also lived through the first two years of the Covid pandemic. She was amazing.
I appreciate your candidness. I am not exactly sure the original quote.. but anything along the lines works..
Not everyday is good, but there IS good in every day
I hope that this thanksgiving season is one you can relax and enjoy and use to create a stronger foundation of better memories!
Oh Kristin, I just want to give you the biggest hug. Thank you for sharing this. I think we all have these moments and if we didn't have them we wouldn't appreciate what we do have! It's when people can't see their blessings that this feeling becomes debilitating and there's absolutely no way that's going to happen to you, or me for that matter.
(((hugs))) to you my friend. Your words mean a lot to many of us. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing Kristen. I'm the reader who reached out on Instagram a few months ago about feeling defeated moving into an apartment after separating from my husband. I relate to a lot of what you shared in this post and it's helpful to know I'm not alone in those feelings. But I'm also happy to share that I did settle into my little apartment and although I miss my old house immensely sometimes, I also love my apartment. It feels safe and peaceful - things I wasn't feeling in my old home. I hope you and the family you celebrate with this year have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. And again, thank you for always sharing!
What an honest post! Thank you for being so real - and showing an exit way out of misery and pity!
And mind you Kristen - the fact of how your daughters take notice of this and freely express it - you should be so very proud about this!
And all this in a cozy atmosphere you created and maintain.
Also the word "freedom" in your post struck me - what a wonderful feeling that must be.
Congratulations!
Your honesty makes me sit back and reflect on all we do have and not worry about what we don't. Life is hard, we should be thankful for every small blessing. Saying that, sometimes it's harder, to be "happy", then it looks. You're aloud to have a pity party, we all are, just don't take up residency. You've got this.
Sending you love, light and hugs.
I can completely relate - my life prior to my separation wasn’t perfect, but I had made my house that we purchased in 2004 such a nice HOME for our family. We weren’t monetarily rich by any means, but we had everything we needed plus more. If I wanted to buy something, I usually could, without much thought or planning.
Fast forward to now, living in my rental that I started from scratch in because I left everything in tact in my previous house since my kids were staying there with him & I didn’t want to disrupt their life more than was already happening. For a long time here, I didn’t even have the basics. I was given some things by friends, my grandmother let me take whatever I wanted from her house since she no longer lives there but it is still fully furnished as the day she left and many things I picked up from my local FB Marketplace groups.
A few weeks ago, I had a complete meltdown over my NAPKIN HOLDER (yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds!!). I loved my lay down stainless steel napkin holder at my old house and did NOT love the stand up one here that I was given from a friend. It’s ugly and the napkins always slouch over the sides. I felt guilty because I am so broke, but I went on Amazon and ordered one for $19.00 that I love after spending a few hours sobbing on my kitchen floor. I’m sure my meltdown was more about where I am in life right now and not so much about that freaking napkin holder, but on that particular day, it put me over the edge.
(((Hugs)))…….we’re going to make it!!!
Aww, Heather. I understand this so, so much. Sometimes it just takes something small to trigger these very hard, very heavy feelings.
You are not alone.
@Heather H.,
Isn't it amazing what can set us off? And how often it is very little things?
As you wisely observed, it's not about the napkin holder but about the forced changes we must make (in your case to ensure that your children were OK).
I am thankful that there are women out there who value the happiness of their children along with their own happiness.
And I'm grateful you allowed yourself to buy a new napkin holder.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I can relate in a different way. I truly believe the saying, "Comparison is the thief of Joy". I have never really been jealous of a person's car, house, or relationship. (I've been fat all my life, so I will admit to mentally sticking my tongue out at skinny Minnies, but even then, who knows why they are how they are, so shame on me.
For me, it's the fact that I happily stayed home until our youngest was headed to college before starting a life for me in the working world. However, one month after our youngest graduated, Dh had a stroke and I do much of anything away from him. I'm mad because I feel I was cheated out of having a life after kids and I feel guilty because I love this man with all my heart - 30 years next week!!
Times are tough financially like they are for most living on disability in these times and that just makes it worse. I have always been good at finding the positive, so I find my joy in what my kids are doing. That's all I can do. I just catch myself playing I should have done this differently. Boy, wouldn't that be a post topic?
I do keep my pity party to myself because any number of women would have loved to be a SAHM and I recognize that.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful reflection.
Virtual hugs.
I always love reading your blog, Kristen ❤️ Your house is beautiful and am always inspired by your creativity. I’ve been going through some similar feelings lately. I was passed over for a promotion while in the same week my brother-in-law was promoted to CFO and then found out my sister is closing on a very expensive home when my husband and I feel like we can’t afford to make an upgrade, even though we’re outgrowing our space. But! I am trying to focus the things I do have (which I am VERY fortunate to have). My therapist also says it’s ok to have feelings, too — but also to take time for gratitude to balance things out.
@Sara,
I identify with this. I had many of these thoughts about my sister and added to it. I don't have a dining room. My lawn isn't as nice. But you are right I get to have feelings.
I well remember when I moved into my gorgeous huge old house in 2000, my mother said she was so envious of me. I was nonplussed. My husband and I worked our butts off to buy that house. She stayed home with us, her choice, and my father chose a not-terribly-well-paid career, his choice. No acknowledgment of our hard work and sacrifices.
I so appreciate your honesty and candidness. You have been through so much and life is not at all playing out the way that you imagined. 2 women in my families have gone/are going through separations/divorce and I know they are grieving the loss of the life they imagined for them and their families. It is so hard and there seem to always be what I call "grief landmines" around the corner - things that will elicit really hard feelings when you least expect it.
I'm coming up on a year of being off social media. One of the main reasons I went off was because of the comparison trap social media creates for me. Everyone's lives can look so perfect on social media - just as the woman's life at that fancy house looked perfect. But we can't see what's behind those curated pictures/perfect-looking houses.
Sending you hugs from Minnesota. You've handled everything you are going through with such grace.
@Lisa of Lisa's Yarns, You have named something that needed a name--grief landmines. Thank you. And congratulations on getting a new perspective on social media. It seems full of posturing, when the reality outside the frame of the perfect photo, is probably just as mixed as your own. I have learned through many years of experience (I'm 74) that pretty houses and beautiful families often conceal terrible debt, and not so beautiful relationship problems. Absolutely no one gets a free pass to a happy, harmonious, beautiful life. To my surprise, it was an important part of my training as a church deacon, to recognize that life is very often not at all as it appears. The awful thing about social media, and our culture's worship of tinsel celebrity, is that it never shows the difficult effort of work and pain and sacrifice and tears to get through the bad patches or escape from toxic situations. I have a new appreciation for the real life heroes, like my wonderful father-in-law, who shows love and support for the family members in his life even through a hard scrabble youth, the Depression, WWII, and more. We are so lucky to have his good example.
Amen, sista!
Hugs
Kristen,
Our stories line up in some ways (long marriage, separation/divorce that we weren't really expecting, SAHMs who go to nursing school!), and not in others (I only have 1 kiddo who public schools).
I have to tell you that being an OG reader of your blog was so helpful to me in some of the darkest days of my marriage ending. Being able to see the small moments of good and have gratitude (some days it was literally only coffee in the morning and melatonin gummies at bedtime) for things every day kept me from becoming bitter and jaded.
So many people out there push toxic positivity and cheerfulness, which is so detrimental to our mental health. Being able to acknowledge that sometimes life is a dumpster fire BUT keeping an eye out for the good is a gift. Thank you for being honest with us all these years.
@Pam,
You write; "Being able to acknowledge that sometimes life is a dumpster fire BUT keeping an eye out for the good is a gift."
Beautiful reminder. Thank you.
I am currently taking a mindfulness course (MBSR by Jon Kabat-Zinn). The teacher keeps saying that feelings are feelings and thoughts are thoughts - feelings and thoughts come and go, but we are not our feelings and thoughts. This has really helped me put feelings like sadness and anger into perspective.
And yes: mindfulness (like gratitude) is a lot of work and requires constant practice.
@Christine81,
Lol. Your post has so much cognizance, but it made me laugh also when I read the teacher's name. All I could see was 'cabernet-zinfandel' and thinking sometimes a glass of wine with a friend helps.
@Allison, "Zinn" actually means "pewter" in German. (I collect antique pewter.)
Kristin you are so far from a failure. You are in a time of change and you will become a RN, put your time in to get some experience in a hospital and maybe perhaps become a travel nurse. Finish raising your kids the best you can and use all of those awesome qualities you have to deal with life and move on. Hold your head up, you can do it. You do not need stuff to be happy. You can be a travel nurse see the world and offer a chance for your kids to come see you and experience new places. I hope you keep your blog going into your nursing career. I would like to read about your adventures.
@Michelle, My Mom is renting a spare bedroom in NJ to travel nurses. Right now it is the fifth travel nurse who lives there. I slightly envy the travel nurses. Even though I love my job it involves no traveling and I love to travel.
Thank you for this. I understand what you are saying and have experienced some of the same feelings. I too have learned to focus on the good and have fixed my eyes on Jesus time and time again. You are loved by many who have never met you and have inspired us all. God richly bless you and your family and Happy Thanksgiving♥️♥️
Hugs and thanks for the realness
Thank you for your hard honesty.
You are amazing. Your future will be amazing. And another very important thing you are doing right now is teaching your children how to work through and overcome difficulties in life. It will serve them well long after your situation is righted. Many young people don’t have those skills and you are blessing yours with an example which is the best teacher!
Something you may not have ever thought of or considered is that you are actually causing other women (specifically) to wish they could do what you have been and are doing. Whether it be getting out of a relationship that is difficult (to say the least) or to be going to school to become a nurse or the ability to pick yourself up and start anew, many wish they were where you are now. They may live in a house just like the one you visited and still be miserably unhappy and scared. Some may be living in a house so cluttered with "stuff" that they wish they could start over without all the baggage. I've been there. I was a lot worse off financially, no extended schooling, living in an apartment with 1 child, trying to make my best life out of the situation. Going through a divorce that was contested every chance he could get, taking forever to end, so that we could both have a new beginning. It was tough but I'm way past that today. Do I live in that house - no, I do not. I live in a house that was built in the 40's. Full of character and leaky windows but beautiful old solid wood doors, old hardware, coving, arched doorways. Not all original, by far, but it's home - it's paid for and it's a result of a great new life that started over 30 plus years ago. You do have a lot going for you. It takes work and belief in yourself to keep doing what you are doing, but you will get there and you will look back and marvel at what you have done and where you have gotten and yes, you will laugh at yourself and you will be grateful. You've got this. Happy Thanksgiving. We all have something to be grateful for, even in trying times.
Along with everyone else, I thank you for your honesty in sharing this with us, Kristen. One major "thankful" I will have tomorrow (and always) is thankfulness for you, this blog, and everyone who comments. I don't know how I would have made it through my last few years without you.
Coincidentally, I've been having a bit of a pity party the last few days too. This one was brought on by an all-too-insightful remark about DH in an email of sympathy from a former neighbor: "When I consider the toll that this horrible disease has taken on such a vibrant, intelligent man..." I confess that this reduced me to a wet mess. I'm aware of it every day of my life, of course, but I do my best not to dwell on it, or I'd be a wet mess most of the time.
But I am picking myself up and going on--as you do, Kristen, and as so many of the rest of us here do. Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
You're appreciated and admired, and we're rooting for you.
@BJS, well said!!
Cheering you on, Kristen! Your honesty is such an encouragement to countless readers from all walks of life. I'm sure many would agree when I say I feel as though you're my friend even though we've never met. 🙂 Sending virtual hugs!
Kristen:
Without getting into a lot of details, I've known people like that, and sometimes things aren't quite as rosy as they appear. They are experts in putting on an impressive show of material goods but behind closed doors are miserable. They could very well long for your simpler, more honest, love filled existence!
@Sharon and Kristen,
What Sharon says is entirely possible. Because my first thought on hearing about her material bounties was, why, then, is the lady selling a knife block, i.e., needing/wanting that small amount of money instead of, perhaps, donating it to a charity shop?
Of course, there may be several reasons but it made me wonder for a moment.
I was surprised too, but then I thought, hmm, maybe some of her frugal habits are the reason she has accumulated some wealth.
I certainly needed this “message” today. I’m going to write some of your words in my daily devotional/diary.
"Comparison is the thief of joy"
"When people show who they are believe them"
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”
"You will be interrupted, but you can choose to keep it brief"
“I have found that if you love life, life will love you back” Arthur Rubinstein
These quotes helped/ help me through tough times.
Unrequited love when you've invested a significant amount of love, loyalty, and care is a hard one, don't be too hard on yourself.
Good distraction works great ( I recommend watching While You Were Sleeping), and so does postponing it. For example, I'd feel super negatively emotional about something and I'd say, oh I'll think/ feel about it on Saturday at 5:00 pm. I've forgotten or recovered from those thoughts by the time Saturday rolls around. Retail therapy works wonders as well, I'd find a fantastic thrift store for this remedy to maintain my frugal status ;D.
Xx.
You don't even know how timely this post is for me. My husband was just laid off last week, very soon after I got a much better paying job and we were finally being able to put more money in retirement. I found out as I was on a business trip, while my daughter was sick at home, and I got sick while on said trip. Also, the trip was a dumpster fire due to some things out of my control so now I have to go again for the whole next week. And just this morning I was looking through FB pages of some of my friends and admiring their "perfect" lives and having my own pity party. And then I read your post and cried. Now I'm going to go hug my husband and my son and spend some time writing out things that I am thankful for. Thank you for your honesty.
Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving tomorrow.
Oh so many years ago, my life fell apart. Not all at once, it happened in stages. At that time I couldn't afford to live in my home, drive my car. I had to move my family (husband and 2 kids) into my mom's house and that was before I could actually move myself. I have a strong marriage now, but our "life" at the time was not strong. We were both looking at unemployment and he had health issues. I remember so many pity parties. I remember so much judgement and "I told you so."
Bottom line I had subscribed to the notion that my husband was going to make it all happen. Ouch. When I really stepped up and started supporting my family, at times completely on my own, that is when it started coming together. Now I look at MY "knife block" people and see how their life isn't for me.
I should tell you about the Bombas socks...
@Amy,
This is another home truth for me. I have also been guilty of thinking someone else should help provide the life I want.
Thank you for your blog and your authenticity. Our life paths are very similar. I, too, experienced incredible trauma in my family this past year and have had to work really hard to adjust to my new reality. I appreciate your blog more than you could possibly imagine!
This was a blessing to read today. Thank you so much.
I totally understand this post. I feel ya and I hear ya. I count my blessings everyday. I've endured a lot in life and will no doubt not have smooth sailing in the future. Who does?? My mom always said what's important is how we handle our bad stuff. So true. Hang in there. You are doing great!!!❤️
Such a meaningful post - thanks so much for sharing it!
All the HUGS for you, Kristen. Burying feelings just means future harm to oneself—the person that hurt us doesn’t feel them clawing our insides, *we* do. It’s good that you consciously let yourself feel sad what you need to and also know how to lift yourself up again. I’m also glad that you’ve surrounded yourself with supportive people and have fostered a supportive community here; the past owner of the treasure house is even a part of that, given all that she’s shared with you. So long as Now is better than The Past that brought you here, you’re doing just fine. HUGS
Kristen you are such a blessing! We are all so grateful for you and your honesty. Often you say exactly what many of us are feeling or have felt at some point...and I'm so glad you feel so much FREEDOM in your cozy and wonderful rented space 🙂 That right there says so much. Happy Thanksgiving!
Girl, I am constantly impressed by your self-reflection and your ability to share so candidly what you are going through. By example, you are giving your daughters the tools to work through hardships with gracefulness and introspection. Many women can't find the courage to leave a bad situation or the freedom that waits on the other side. The freedom you feel in the new home that you have created is note-worthy. You have been an encouragement to so many of us. Thank you for sharing. Many blessings to you each and every day.
Kristen, keep in mind that a lot of people envied you for your perfect life up till this year.
And yes, I get that the smallest weirdest thing can bring on grief. (Looking at you, Trader Joe's box of cookies.)
Or a cheap tub of ramen.
-----------------
It was a cheap, enormous paper tub of food. Ramen from the days when the kids mostly wanted to eat ramen, the days when [my ex] cared about feeding his kids. He provided for us and made sure we were fed and had extras, until one day he didn’t ever again.
The Souper Meal sat in the cabinet for years. I couldn’t bear to throw it away as [my ex] had bought it and the children didn’t want it. I couldn’t bear to see it as it made me cry every time I opened the cabinet door, so eventually I began to hide it behind other food, which wasn’t easy as it was so large.
Blessings to you Kristen as you go through your journey. My situation is different from yours but so relatable; I appreciate your openness and honesty which helps so many other people.
Big hugs, Kristen.
This week I was helping an older relative who has cognitive decline and whose default is always self centered and gossipy. This eventually tried my patience and I started becoming negative. I walked away in frustration to recover myself and started thinking about where that person’s default was prior to the cognitive decline. And what that might mean for me should I have a similar eventual decline. Where is my default? How do I work toward positivity and gratitude as my defaults.
Practice and reminders, including your blog, Kristen. We inspire each other through sharing our stories.
@Liane, oh this is so true! My mother in law has early dementia and this totally struck a chord. I was thinking a lot about her the last few weeks and how things are going to get even more challenging in the coming years. She is already mean and spiteful and nothing/nobody is beyond reproach. I really shuddered at the thought of becoming that person. I know we can't control everything about us, but that attitude of positivity and gratitude we can certainly cultivate while we can, and hope our "default", as you put it is, is steered towards the positive.
Long time follower, rarely comment. I had to today. This post was raw and full of feeling and yet informative and impactful for others. I love this kind of writing and I’m thankful for it. As a fellow believer, I’m hopeful for you that you will see the beauty from ashes someday and that God redeems your losses. Much love.
Good for you. Envy is a nasty master.
Thank you for sharing this real, relatable, human experience. Sometimes you seem superhuman in contentment, and it's good to see how you work to overcome unhappy feelings and the natural pull to compare to people who seem to have more blessings. I love how you're lifting others as you lift yourself. ❤️
Thank you for sharing and keeping it real. It's so necessary online.
I do not live in such a fancy house as the knife block one, but I am aware that it is larger than most and very nice (though not nicely decorated because that is NOT my forte). I have seen some of my friends look at it wistfully (or so I imagined). But. It is not ours. Our reality is that it belongs to the church; when my husband retires, we have nothing, nowhere to live. From the outside looking in, it looks like we have everything, but, in reality, we have nothing that is ours. The reality is that all of these material things are temporal-- for everybody.
That sounds way more depressing than I intend it to, but I don't have the time to spend to word it just right. But that thought is a consolation to me that makes me appreciate all the joy and goodness that is granted to me in this life.
I wonder if the knife block lady reads your blog. I'll bet she would love it!
Words pop up in my FB page daily. Some truly have meaning in my life--which is not the life we had discussed we would have on retirement.
This was one this week
"Your competition isn’t other people. your competition is your procrastination. your ego. the unhealthy food you’re consuming, the knowledge you neglect. the negative behavior you’re nurturing & your lack of creativity. compete against that." Oyerooh
It struck a chord with me. I know we are fortunate.
Kristen, thank you for your vulnerability in sharing that with us. I totally relate. I used to be an excellent self-pity party planner 😉 Things I try to remember that help me when the pity party starts so I can nip it in the bud:
1. Am I comparing my insides with someone else's outsides?
2. Comparison is the thief of joy.
3. Writing a gratitude list by the alphabet, i.e. A - I'm grateful for the wonderful apples I got on sale, B - grateful for the gorgeous shade of blue the sky is today, etc.
4. Looking at what is upsetting me and asking myself how important is it -- will this even matter in an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year? Will I even remember it?
5. Getting out of my head and being of service to someone else, even in some small way.
6. Asking myself, do I really want to ingest and feed myself on this sh*t soup of pity I am swimming in?
7. Remembering this too shall pass.
Thank you, Kristen! Your vulnerability is an encouragement to be authentic and kind to self and others! Sending all my mid-west love your way!
This Thanksgiving most of us us, if not all of your readers, can be thankful we're not living in the Ukraine with no belongings, home, or country because it was bombed and invaded.
So, so true.
Kristen - Thanks for your honesty. Love your posts! I always look forward to what you have to say! Wishing you a wonderful holiday. Focus on all the good in your life and keep moving forward. I know your faith will absolutely help in that, too!
So good,
Longtime reader, rare commenter
I woke up in this season of, for me, the loss of so many people in my life thinking I wish I’d done this differently, why didn’t I do that, how come I wasn’t this person then and I thank you for pressing send on this, I draw a lot of comfort from it.
I really needed to hear this today.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and yourself on this post, and for how beautifully you wrote it. Many things resonated with me, but especially “This year has been hard, but even the hardest days have not been as hard as what I endured before I left my marriage.”
Happy Thanksgiving
I had an outpatient medical procedure yesterday. I so appreciated the nurse who came and attended me and readied me. An angel. She was kind and patient and reassuring. So skilled and capable. All the day long she renders this service to so many of us who are suffering in various ways. Hers is a labor of love constantly. Her life is filled with love and care for others. Your life is filled with love as you continue to create a lovely home and care for your family. A career as a nurse promises you will be constantly surrounded by love.
Aww, this is exactly what I want to do when I graduate; a nurse can make such a difference for a patient!
My yoga teacher's favorite saying was "comparison is the thief of joy." I have really tried to embrace that. It's easy to be envious of someone else's life, house, partner, lifestyle, etc. but it's also easy to find contentment and sometimes, joy, in what I have.
I've found it's about re-framing how I see my life. Instead of being envious, I try to focus on gratitude for the life I do have.
And sometimes, what people appear to have on the surface is not the full story of their lives.
This fall, I found myself stopping to enjoy many of the beautiful trees as they turned. It was a sad autumn due to the passing of a family member, two friends, and our beloved dog. Needing something to "hold onto" in the sadness, the changing leaves seemed even more striking and lovely this year and I made a point to take them in and enjoy a gift from nature.
And our poor cat got even more smooches! 😉 He is okay with that, unlike many cats.
Kristen, though we have never met, I have benefitted so much from your words and honesty over the many years I have read your offerings. It is good for everyone to be reminded that life is not all rainbows and sunshine and that we should all be sensitive to others who may be going through a "tougher/more challenging" time and offer support and kindness.
Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it. May you each find something/many things for which to be grateful! THANK YOU, Kristen!
Nancy B.
I can't understand why someone with all that stuff is bringing complete strangers inside their home for 15 dollars.
I remember you writing along the line of you didn't realize that you were twisting yourself into a very tight pretzel to be able to stay in your former life. I hope in compensation you have more inner peace now.
I think of Timothy chapter 6 where it says having food and covering be content. And Jesus being a carpenter could have built a house and furniture but he didn't. I dont like stuff. Its not something I work at, its natural. So I doubt I get points for not wanting or having a lot of nice stuff. I get overwhelmed by too much. I get calm and peace from minimalism. But I know plenty who are quite happy with a lot and don't feel drama or I'm bad because I have.
One of the kids has been streaming Billions on the big TV in the living room. When I do sit down and watch my mouth is hanging open.
We had a lively discussion over what is more comfortable...a thousands of dollars outfit of finest tailor made fabrics or a super soft t-shirt and cosy knit pants.
My t-shirt argument was shot down with billionaires wear them too but they still spend thousand on them.
@Tiana, (They don't actually. Also, the Hamptons house in the Billions series is owned by an acquaintance of mine.)
@Rose, they don't wear them or they don't spend lots on them? The show has a little pop up that shows what they paid for their outfits.
History tends not to show us that strong people have skinned knees from falling down and wet sleeves from wiping their tears, but it should because that's reality too.
You are doing great in a tough transition, Kristen. (((Hugs)))
Kristen,
I am so sorry that you are still having such a hard time. I am sure that it is completely normal and I hope that time helps to lessen the pity parties. I think we all struggle with things. I had a rough patch about a month ago. While my marriage is intact we have lived quite a distance from family for the past thirty years. There are no casual get togethers with family, seeing them involves a lot of travel, and expense, almost always by us. As a result our daughter does not have close relationships with many of her cousins, we have missed many gatherings, etc. We have a good life but it is sad to me that we are so far apart geographically. Our parents are dead, my siblings are scattered throughout the country so there is no where to move that would enable us to have a close proximity relationship. My in-laws are mostly in New England but they all have their separate lives and their kids are scattered.
Thank you for your honesty and valuable words!
I have endured a number of pity parties for myself over the years and they have never improved a thing, imagine that.
I have so many blessings, I shouldn’t be envious. It’s natural to be sad at times but I try not to let envy provoke the sadness. That can be really hard when I see others who I know for certain are in a good place in their lives, but it’s not as though they are having a happy spell just to spite me. I have to count my blessings and get a grip when that happens.
You felt the sad and worked through it. That’s handling it well. I’m glad you chose to write about it. I think we all need to hear it now and then.
Just going to say...I needed to read this post. I've been having pity parties often, and as you said, stemmed from what others have in their life, not for lack of what's in mine. Thankfulness is a gift, but needs to be accepted.
Kristen, thank you for sharing this.
I have been thinking about you this week, knowing it’s your first Thanksgiving in your new situation.
I sent a prayer over to you- I think you are a pretty incredible woman.
I am in a similar situation in life. I'm almost 44, I just left a 14 year relationship. Just before that started a brand new career (so I make about half of what I was making prior to the switch). Now I live in a studio apartment with all my stuff in storage, studying to earn certifications to hopefully make it in this new career. I put lots of money into his house, his property and his business and left it all behind. In addition, I incurred a bunch of debt moving across the country to be closer to family.
I had a tough time growing up. My dad didn't want anything to do with me, my mom was too broken to want to deal with me. My mom & I lived with my grandmother who hated everyone and seemed to find great joy in criticizing and ridiculing my mom. So I think I learned to seek relationships that continued the emotional abuse my grandmother inflicted on my mom and I.
When I finally left my latest bad relationship almost 5 months ago, I promised myself that I would finally love me and take care of me, because I wanted to be happy and I wanted to feel peace for the first time in life. I also promised myself I'd try really hard to never compare myself to others about my place in life, because everything that's happened recently was the "cost of freedom." My job switch was a door to a new freedom, a better career. My move (albeit it costly) was a door to freedom and I gained experience about how to make my next move more economical. This debt taught me a TON about making a budget and trimming excess junk from that budget. I get a bunch of joy from looking at my budget sheet and knowing I can live on half of what I make and put the rest towards debt (especially bc I was taught most of my life I couldn't make it on my own). I think I finally figured out a few of the lessons life was trying desperately to get me to learn.
Thanks again for your blog, I love it and read it often!
Did you know that about 40 percent of the psalms are laments? And 60 percent, thus, are prayer/praise/thanksgiving.
So, you are in good company.
@Karen.,
That sounds like a pretty decent ratio.
Kristen
I loved this article for many reasons, not the least of which is your honesty in sharing how your real life is going. Real life is never perfect and we only set ourselves up for disappointment if we are aiming for that.
Keeping our equilibrium does require work. It is a balancing act and it is challenging. Sometimes we just don't have the energy and we lose focus as we all can and do when faced with something/someone that reminds us of what is perhaps NOT present in our current lives. It's normal. It's natural and to pretend otherwise is to lie to one's self.
To me, your acknowledgement of how you felt in this instance is a sign that your life is indeed on track even if it's not the track you would have chosen or one you like in comparison to a past life. It's healthy to express our feelings, and then, as your therapist says, move on.
c
One of the surprises of life, I've found, is that you can be seriously grateful for so many things in our daily life and yet...there can be moments like yours, at the house, which trigger all sorts of things within us.
I am big on the word choices we use in our lives, particularly as they apply to ourselves.
What you had was hardly a "pity party". It was a moment and nothing more nor less. As the Buddhists remind us, nothing is anything but what we label it. Things are neither good nor bad (and that's a hard one to really practice because we live in a world of labeling and judging, others and ourselves, even the kindest among us.)
This was, if you can look at it, a good trigger to help you jog your mindset and refocus.
Which you did and shared with us. Perfect reminder as we enter the holiday season.
Comparing ourselves to others is a no-win situation and we need to cut it off as best we can. Lives are NOT comparable for so many many reasons. And as you rightly point out, what you see is not necessarily what is. You don't know what goes on in the life of the woman whose house it is. You speculate. Meanwhile, there are probably many women who have read of the changes in your life and are inspired and motivated to make changes in their own (I hope you remind yourself of how courageous and strong you are to make decisions about reshaping your life. All that and preparing for a new career. Wow. You are incredibly inspiring to all of us.)
Example: Could I have ever imagined you in this life situation based on years of what you did share with us before the changes? No. So, you see, we all were projecting a life onto you without knowing what was going on. There are probably readers who wished they had YOUR life...if only they knew what you knew. So...works both ways.
Life is challenging in so many ways these days and it is hard to stay thankful at times.
Ask any of us with ongoing health, family, financial or other issues. But our work is to focus on what does work in our lives and stay as grateful as we can, even if not every minute.
Some of the most creative and productive and humane people on the planet are so in spite of challenges that often feel as if they will "take them down" at any moment.
Real growth and achievement and contentment don't come from being forced "pollyannas" or lying to ourselves about our feelings. It comes from accepting our vulnerability, from feeling the fear or anger or grief or envy, and doing it anyway. Which you have done in spades since the changes that disrupted the life you had planned.
Happy Thanksgiving. Know that your sharing is/has helped others and we are thankful for YOU!
It's funny you mention the Pollyanna thing; someone (you can imagine who) called me a Pollyanna in a derisive way because of my efforts to focus on the good. But looking at the good doesn't mean you ignore the sad or the hard things. It's just that you are ALSO trying to hunt for the mercies in the midst of the hard things.
@Kristen, You ARE a Pollyanna. Most people don't know, but Pollyanna was a poor orphan living with her mean, rich aunt. Pollyanna played The Glad Game, which was trying to find one good thing about sad stuff, taught to her by her father. Through her attitude, Pollyanna brought joy and thankfulness to the town where she lived.
Kristen, I understand completely. My husband and I have three grown sons who honestly would not know if we had died. No check ins with us, ever. It's always painful to think about, but especially so at this time of year and so I really hate the holidays.
But I do have my incredible husband who loves me more than any person in this universe has ever done. I try hard to dwell on that part.
Oh man, Anne. I can just imagine the soul-crushing pain that you must often feel about this.
I am so happy for you that you can take solace in the love of your husband; that warms my heart to hear!
@Anne,
Thank you for sharing the way it really is. We have a daughter, 22, who has as little to do with us as possible. We asked her if she was coming for this Thanksgiving; she said she “didn’t know” and we never heard from her.
Sometimes our children are great disappointments - no matter how hard we try.
I, too, have a wonderful husband, and so much to be thankful for in so many ways.
Let’s take back the holidays for ourselves and rejoice in the good. And, there is good.
Oh man, Kathy. I read your comment and felt that pain in my chest for you. Hugs to you, and I am so glad you have a lovely husband to give you a real-life hug.
Thank you. For being honest, and for being awesome. My marriage imploded a decade ago and my life now is very much not what I long thought it would be. Even 10+ years later I still sometimes dream about him and mourn our life and history together - it will never really be gone, and that may well be true for you too. But you'll meet people you wouldn't have crossed paths with in your previous life and pretty soon you won't be able to imagine your life without them. You'll get to go places and take things for granted that you never ever would have before. And it makes you a more empathetic person, I believe, when you know the bone-deep pain of your world falling apart. My family was my rock, and it sure sounds like yours is too. I hope you have a truly wonderful, if deeply bittersweet, Thanksgiving.
Thank you for this post ❤️
You are a wise and beautiful woman. What you said about riding the wave of sadness and then telling yourself things that are true reminds me of what Paul said in his list, "Whatever is true... Think on these things." I've often thought it interesting that the list starts with "true" but have really come to appreciate that it does in this current decade of my life.
Thanks for being honest and sharing with us all
Thanks for the honesty - I can very much relate, and the grand piano would definitely be a trigger for me, too! I think it’s good for us to feel all our feelings - there can be a pressure to always be positive or always be grateful. But it’s also good to recognize disappointment, fear, loneliness, sadness and grief, sometimes at the same time as love, joy and happiness. I have been feeling all of those this week because we had to cancel a special trip because of a medical issue, so please know you’re not alone.
I don't think I've ever commented on your blog but what you wrote today was special. It took courage to write about your feelings and experiences. You are really very brave and will get through because you are able to rise above the'pity party' and move on. I'm so impressed with all the comments from readers.
Oh Kristen. You are still so early in your big life change, you are entitled to grieve as much as needed. I was divorced after almost 20 yrs of marriage. You are doing so much better than I did at the same point. You are still getting used to the death of the dream and you are learning what you are capable of. Your future is bright but it is not a switch that flips on. It is a journey.
When I first left, I felt SO LIGHT. And a friend of mine who is a therapist and who also left a bad marriage told me, "You are on a relieved high right now; at some point, the grief will set in." I'm so glad she told me that because whoa, it was true.
It's a weird kind of grief; not a sadness over losing the marriage, because there was so much awful in it. But it's more like sadness that the marriage was not what I had hoped it would be.
@Kristen, "But it’s more like sadness that the marriage was not what I had hoped it would be." This makes so much sense. You're justified in your feelings for sure.
I'm trying to think of something comforting to say and all I can come up is that I'm glad you are you and not someone else.
I don't know why, but this made me chuckle. Thank you for the smile.
@Kristen,
Anytime! 😉
I love that you're so open and honest about what you're going through. Thanks for sharing that.
Thanks for posting this. It’s been a rough year here, but I keep keeping on! Hope your Thanksgiving is lovely & restful.
I bet she doesn't have a dad who can rebuild anything and make it better. I bet she doesn't have a blog with tons of followers who love her and her blog very much. I just got new neighbors with an updated apt. Mine is an original. First rule of a happy life never compare. But happiness ebbs and flows and things will be better soon. I can promise you that. I bet she didn't 99.9 on her science test!!!!!! Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
You are right Anita; those are some very good things for me to be thankful about!
You are an inspiration whether you realize it or not! Happy Thanksgiving from us who truly need you.
Something popped up on my FB page today by Donna Ashworth:
Let it in
I get you're not feeling festive. I get you can't muster up enough light inside of you to sparkle and twinkle this year. It's been tough. But the thing is, you're here. Put your hand to your chest and feel that heart beat. That's life. You're alive.
And sometimes that is all you need to remember when you're low.
There must be no pressure to perform when life is hitting you from all angles. But there is always the need to be grateful. Not because others are worse off (everything is relative); but because without gratitude, there is no hope. And without hope, there is no magic. And you need that magic back. You need the magic more than ever my friend. Let it in. (Donna Ashworth)
Oh, I like that!
I love this! I sometimes do the very same thing - comparing my life to others, and wondering where in the heck I went wrong to not have a life that looks like theirs. Thankfully I don't "get stuck" and can remind myself of what is in my life that I am thankful for...but sometimes it does take a little while to get there. Thanks for always being so honest.
Wow. I'm touched at your words. I feel empathy, sadness, gratitude, connection and so much more after reading them. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I feel like you reached through the screen and somehow patted my arm and smiled. Thank you.
Aww, this is very lovely feedback; I am so glad my words reached you like that.
Thank you for this post. Your words ring so true for me too, in my situation right now, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your girls 🙂
Thank you for sharing. I can completely relate. My life is also very different from what I planned and imagined, some of it through no fault of my own and some of it through fault of my own. I’m not sure which part is harder: either can inspire a really good pity party. You’re right that you don’t actually know what knife-block-woman’s life is like underneath. My mother had a beautiful, gracious way about her and her life looked perfect at around the same phase of life, yet she had known the incurable and never ending pain of the death of one of her sons. One thing that helps me come out of pity party mode is to think about the fact that all my children and grandchildren are alive. Relationships may not all be perfect but as long as they’re alive I can hope for and work towards improvement someday.
I actually think that this is the essence of thanksgiving. It’s easy to be thankful when everything is going swimmingly. It’s harder when a pity party has sunk its claws in. Making that transition, that shift in mindset, is the kind of heavy lifting that gives meaning to the day.
@Jem, Love that.
I know our circumstances are not the same but I can totally sympathize. I had a stroke in my late fifties so I wasn't able to maintain my full-time career into retirement, as planned. I had hoped I'd be doing a lot of babysitting for grandchildren, but with only one useful arm and leg my children don't ask me to babysit unless my husband can be there. If I dwell on these thing too much I get really sad. So, I don't dwell on them. I enjoy my part time job and love every minute with my children and grandchildren!
Thank you. Beautifully said.
My therapist had a cartoon of two old ladies sitting on a bench with their feet in a puddle. One said to the other, "It's OK to splash your feet in the pity puddle but you are not supposed to get down and wallow in it." I saw that at least 40 years ago and it still sticks with me. You don't strike me as someone who wallows but an occasional splash is allowed.
Yes, that sounds a lot like what my therapist was trying to get at; she keeps an eye on her clients if there are signs that they are stuck in an emotion. That's more concerning than waves that come and go.
Oh Kristen! There have been many prayers sent up for you and your family. All of this upheaval seems terribly unfair to such a wonderful person. I too recently had an intense sense of “why me” but fortunately it faded quickly. Why not me? You are moving forward in a wonderful way with school and a new home and we are happy to be on that ride with you. Hang in there girlie!
I love this — Happy Thanksgiving!
Aww, thank you, Dicey! You are right; there are a lot of reasons to be hopeful about my future.
And you're right about the family; I hadn't given that a lot of thought, but yeah, people who get remarried at my age often gain some kids in the process!
Whew, your last bullet point sure packs a lot of punch. Sending big virtual hugs.
The other key point is that right-now Kristen doesn't know what future Kristen's life is going to look like. You could still end up in a lovely home of your own with a spouse (and family*) who adore you.
On Thanksgiving Day, when I count my blessings, the fact that you and your blog exist will certainly be on my list. Thank you for the gift you give all of us, day in and day out, year after year, in good times and not-so-good. We're all rooting for you in these tough times and knowing there is much wonder yet to come. Your next happiness may look very different, but it *will* happen.
*I know you have a loving family, it could get bigger.
@Dicey, Those girls aren't going to be single forever, either.
@Rose, oh my goodness, grandkids are the BEST!
This was very impactful to me Kristen, thank you for writing this 🙂
I love this post so much! I feel like people look at my life and think that I have it all and perfect (nice apt, nice car, nice clothes, good paying job, well educated) but little do they know how hard things have been with my dad ( dad hasn’t been able to work since 2016 and probably won’t ever work again and he was the breadwinner) dad was also diagnosed with prostate cancer this year and we almost lost him from sepsis in may. I have $3,000 in medical bills that the ins company is refusing to pay and I’ll probably have to try to go after them for it. I also have 6 figures of student loans. So my life is so far from perfect!
But like i mentioned above I do have a lot of good things in my life like my job, car, apt., warm clothes, money to pay rent, electricity, gas. Im grateful for all those things and I love thankful Thursdays because they remind me to be grateful for all that I do have!
Ps:Kristen I’m jealous you get to live in a rental house! Most houses or town homes where I live rent for $2,100-$3,500 per month which is more than I can afford!
@Ali in the midwest, I’ve reread my post and realize some things may have come out wrong. I enjoy this post for its vulnerability, after all we are all human and experience the wish to have somethings (car, house, vacation etc.) others have or maybe the life others have. I know I’m susceptible to this because I would love to rent or own a bigger place. Kristen when I said I was jealous of you living in a rental I did not mean to belittle or ignore or be unsympathetic to the situation that led to you living in the rental. I just meant I wish I had the means to afford a rental house. I’m sorry if I offended you.
Oh, no, not at all! I wasn't faintly offended. <3
Thanks for this very honest and well considered post.
As always, very relatable but voiced so much better than I could do myself.
Take care and be well!
Hugs to you, Kristen!
Thank you for your honesty. Your dedication to practicing contentment and gratitude is admirable. Our thoughts can be so powerful for building up or breaking down and it's so important that we control them instead of being controlled by them!
Psalms 34 and 37 seem particularly appropriate here... Love to you!
I sometimes forget that people who seem to always have a positive attitude generally work at it. I actually usually don’t feel very envious of things, but I do sometimes feel envious of people who just seem happier for whatever reason - more joyful and blessed with some sort of contented gene that I wish I had. As a long time reader, I’d actually group you among them! So this post is a good reminder for me that people who seem naturally more contented than I am do work at it. And I’m very grateful for my happy little home and family - a bigger house is just more work to clean anyway. 🙂
Also, this holiday, I keep thinking of where we were two years ago. Nobody was vaccinated, Covid was scary, and many of us couldn’t see loved ones for the holidays. I’m going to try to remember this every year for the rest of my life - being able to travel to see friends and family, go to parties and events, give people hugs, and leave my home without worry is such a blessing.
Thank you for a lovely, thought-provoking post. I’m very grateful for you!
I don't know...MAYBE there are people out there who do not have to practice gratefulness and contentment. But if those people are out there, I know I'm not one! lol
And yes, I am glad that we are further into this pandemic now.
Kristen, Thanks for sharing.
I’m so glad you have freedom in your new home.
I’m sorry that there’s been enough hard that you can say this year hasn’t been the hardest. That’s a lot.
May your Thanksgiving be filled with peace and contentedness this year.
I love, love your positive outlook, but really appreciate your authenticity behind that. Not every day is an amazing one. Not every day is filled with happiness & positive mojo. But, that doesn't mean we stop working on our thankfulness. I really appreciated this post. And, hugs to you.
The hard times are when gratefulness is especially important, I think! That's when it's a lifeline for me. 🙂
You’re a pure gift from Jesus and an inspiration! So proud of you and what you do to help others be free!
A poignant and moving post. There are times when I have felt sadness and disappointed about life especially over the last 12 months.Although I know that I am blessed, I have had a particularly difficult year. It has been filled with many challenging moments. I suffered a head injury. My husband had a “cardiac event.” I was in a car accident. I had a scary bout of Covid and so much more. I have had concerns for my children and concerns for my husband. My heart has ached many times. But from the outside looking in, my life looks just fine. You never know what others are going through. You never know the challenges they have or the pain that they feel.
I admire your courage, your strength, and your optimism. Your life may not be what you thought it would be. However, it could eventually be better than you ever expected. I have a quote - a bit of cowboy wisdom — on my desk. “When riding through hell, don’t get off the horse. Keep riding until you get to the other side.”
Happy Thanksgiving. Wishing everyone love and peace.
I have enjoyed following you for many years. You’re an amazing and resilient woman. Thank you for being real. ❤️
Happy Thanksgiving
I'm the one (trying to) bring joy and gratitude into my BFF's last Thanksgiving. I know--can you believe her bad luck at having ME for the cheer up? (joke)
I feel really humbled. Also, full of joy. I'm doing my snarky best to be as kind and loving and helpful and Kristen-like as possible. Weirdly enough, my friend and her brother are so happy I'm here. And so am I. Now, gotta go bake my first pecan pie.
@Rose,
You should pretend that you're not sure how the word pecan should be pronounced...I feel like there's endless potential in that...
Aww, I bet you are doing a great job. I'm so proud!
@Becca, Are you kidding? She corrected me about "pe-CAHN" fall 1983.
@Rose, You could surprise her with "peakin'"-- that one was new to me when I went to college!
@Rose,
I stand by my suggestion. It's pure comedic gold.
Thank you so much for your honesty and self-reflection. You are wise and wonderful. An aphorism I rely on is "Don't compare your insides with someone else's outsides"
I feel your pain! It’s so hard when we see someone who has what we want. We moved to a tiny island and there’s a housing shortage here. The only thing we could find was a tiny run down 2 bedroom apartment. At first I made the best of it but then we went to a new friends house and it was exactly what I wanted. Fenced back yard and everything. I was miserable and grumpy for weeks after that!
I kind of wanted to say something back like, "Ok, that's actually not a terrible insult." lol Pollyanna is kind of an icon to me. 😉
@Kristen,
The only appropriate response to someone calling you a Pollyanna is to say "Thank you for noticing! I've been working hard on developing my contentment!"
Yeah, if you're going to insult me, you should probably pick something else. lol
@Kristen, I wouldn't be insulted by that either...I'd kinda be proud...better this side of the fence than the opposite, honestly.
Sending you a big virtual hug!
This is so beautiful. You truly feel like a friend, Kristen. Thank you for letting us into your life and for being so very real.
Aww, thank you, Caroline. I really appreciate the encouragement.
Kristen I admire you writing this raw, real and very honest post. You have touch so many readers as witnessed by the amount of comments. Thinking about all the people I love in my life there is not one that has the perfect Hallmark movie life, me included. My husband had a massive stroke 20 years ago and our life stopped on a dime. We formed a new normal which is definitely not what we ever envisioned, but we are happy. You are such a huge inspiration to so many and I admire you having the courage to show vulnerability. Happy Thanksgiving, you have much to be grateful for, and pity parties are allowed.
Long time follower, but I rarely comment. But today I just felt I needed to say thank you for sharing your heart and being real. Interestingly, when I read your earlier post about the knife block, at the time I felt like it was very unfair you had to replace such a basic item. This came as a result of walking a very similar path to yours a couple of decades ago. I remember having to replace spices and a broom in my “new to me” tiny and bare rental house. I resented having to replace basic necessities as I was starting all over. When you blogged about finding that knife block, I felt the same thing for you and remembered my own feelings years ago in a similar way. I guess that knife block is bringing up all the feels!
Kristen, like so many others, I think you are such a genuine, kind person and I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time in life right now. I hope you can take comfort in knowing so many of us look forward to reading your blog for inspiration and feeling connected in a very bumpy world. It’s a rewarding part of my day. Sending you big hugs and I continue to lift you and your family up in my prayers.
Ah yes, you understand where I'm at. All of us who have walked this road can probably relate!
I have went through what you have and I can say my life now is so much better
Than I could ever imagine. Life is like a roller coaster highs and lows. God is working on
Your highs to come!
I have rarely commented but read your blog every day. You’re realness, your authenticity, it’s amazing. I’ve had a tough year-I was injured work the first week in January. My recovery was outside the norm (tbh-hardest thing I have ever done) but my career is my passion. I wasn’t done. I decided to to become a dental hygienist in grade 10, and I’ve done it for 26 years. Your blogs, especially this year, were a lifeline for me. I don’t wish the hardness of the last year or two for you (or more) on anyone. Your honesty and realness in the midst of 2022, has been, and continues to be, so beautiful. I am so sorry for all of the hard and the grief, and for the potential of starting again. So this fully recovered reader from BC Canada is so so grateful for your blog-your gratitude, your outlook, your being real, has massively rubbed off on me this year. It was a massive silver lining. Thank you so so very much.
Aww, this is so encouraging to read. Thank you for sharing. And I am so happy to hear that you are healing up so well now.
Kristen, perhaps it will help to know that sometimes when I read about you enjoying morning walks and kayaking and so on, I tear up with envy for your health. (I also envy your easy relationship with your girls, who clearly are crazy for you.) I have a terrific life, a husband I still think is the best person I ever met, I had a career that was lucrative but satisfying and worked around my disabilities, and now a dog who literally whimpered a welcome for 15 minutes while trying to lick me to death today when I came home after an emergency surgery and several days in ICU. Yet still, when I read about one of your easy physical adventures I sometimes have a little twist-up in my gut, of envy for something I have never really enjoyed since my birth defect evidenced itself soon after I was born. I had a few good years but not as many as I would have liked. So your feeling "less than" someone like knife lady doesn't mean your own life is not enviable to someone else. I am sure you know this, since you are such a perceptive and thoughtful person, but I to remind you that your life is as enviable to someone else as her life was to you.
Aww, Lindsey. I can definitely understand why you feel this way, and you are right: we all have our things that are enviable and things that are not. You really knocked it out of the park in the husband-picking department, and I have a healthy body. But we both also have struggles.
Thank goodness you can be honest with yourself and with us! Every time I see you being cheerful and grateful about scavenging free stuff, having to make something from almost nothing, cleaning decades of gross grime off stuff pulled out of the abandoned house, my blood boils for you. I don't know what happened (it's absolutely none of my or any other reader's business) and why you had to leave everything without so much as an ironing board (that really ticked me off that you had to scrounge for even that!) but to see you putting a good spin on your situation when it must be so hard just made me so sad for you at times.
I get we don't know the whole story, and we see you are trying your darndest to be positive, but don't ever apologize (even to yourself) for your pity parties. Yes, there are things to be grateful for and yes, you have it a lot better than you could (because you are making your life better), but your feelings are legitimate, understandable and perfectly OK. I'm glad you are working with a therapist to help you work through them without "getting stuck".
I know you can't imagine it now, but things WILL get better. You are doing great in school, and you will have a career that will be spiritually and financially fulfilling. Your life will be your own, and you are young and strong so you will be able to shape your future in a way that brings you immense joy. You have many people who love you in your family and among your friends, you have readers who have been part of your online "family" for many years and care deeply about you.
A columnist I read wrote today "we are grateful for what we have, not for what we wish we had." You often embody that. But it's OK to wish things were different, to recognize the grief and pain and--necessary to work through it all. Don't lose yourself in the process of trying to be "good". Everyone who cares about you understands.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family. Let them surround you with their love.
Thank you so much for the encouragement! And yes; there has to be room for both joy and grief in this journey. That's what reflects the reality of what life is, after all.
Hi Kristen,
I’m sorry you felt that way. Some days are tough. Comparisons can really stink some times.
This is more related to your bowl post, but I am currently teaching a ceramics class and am ending up with two or three bowls I made and do not need. They are more small/medium serving sized, I would say. I plan on glazing them with white and blue, and celadon and white. Any chance you are interested? If you have an address you feel comfortable sharing, I am happy to pack them the very best I can and send them your way. They should be out of the glaze kiln in a week or so.
I really appreciate your website and the community focus on frugality and stewardship. It would be wonderful to give a small token of my gratitude.
@Hadilly, What a wonderful idea :-).
Oh yes, I would love that! I will send you an email. Thank you!!
Oh Kristin! So very true that satusfaction comes from inside us and not from comparing our lives with others. Thank you as always for the honest self reflection. Sending all the best to you and your sweet family.
I am late in this comment but I hope you read it. You are amazing, Kristen. I am so thankful for you. I found this blog shortly after I became a widow in 2010 at the age of 27 with a five week old child. Your positiveness has been so encouraging. God gave you the ability to be a bright light and an amazing example to all of the people you encounter. Thank you for being you! You are greatly appreciated!
Oh wow! You have survived something so hard...good for you!! I am so happy my blog has been an aid to you in that.
@JC, if you feel like you might like to be a “meet a reader” participant, Is sure like to read it.
These are the posts that remind me why I love you. Thank you for being vulnerable with us, you aren’t alone!
"Comparisons are odious" - attributed to a few people and also used by Shakespeare and a proverb that is as relevant today as it was back then. It's hard not to compare, but I know the wormhole it will take me through. Counting blessings is a great way to stop the free fall. I also remember the proverb "when something is perfect, it is not natural". I apply this to lives that appear perfect, there just is no such thing.
I understand your feelings immensely. This past year it's been eye opening in accepting a new life and new future which is daunting and frightening at times but also full of hope. It's easy to look at others and feel less than, without considering that this picture perfect life may not be so.
I'm grateful for the hope of this new life, the healing that has come since my divorce, and all the blessings that have been given over my lifetime
I just finished studying Colossians in my women’s Bible study and so wanted to remind you of the one thing we can be thankful for any time, any place, regardless of circumstance and truly the greatest gift ever ♥️ via these verses that are at top of mind for me: Colossians 1:12-14 “giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”
We were dead and he made us alive. Everything else is God’s lavish abundance, which you also have much of! Thank you for sharing your relatable feelings and the tension that grief brings.
I'm late to this conversation but this episode has stuck with me. Some years back I was riding up the elevator with two ladies at work. It was winter and I had my frumpy winter coat on. There was lady on the elevator who looked like a model, smartly dressed, very thin, everything I was not! She got off on a floor. When she exited the other lady said to me, that poor lady, she's had a terrible time. She lost her young son to cancer recently and she has lost so much weight. Well, did I feel foolish then. None of us knows what others are trying to get through and it's not worth spending time being envious.
This is so beautifully put. I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Thank you for being willing to share your struggles--you help me remember to be grateful as well.
Thank you for this beautiful, true, and real meditation on contentment. This concept is really hitting home for me lately. I always come away from reading your posts feeling like someone has put my own feelings into words much better than I can at the moment.
You have such a gift for sharing! As I read your words today, I remembered more than one time when I was envious of someone (which is rare for me, but it happens) and much later I learned that what I saw and knew at that time was not the reality of that person's life. So, echoing your words - we can never really know. My Aunt Mary, who lost all of her children, told me that she reminds herself to focus on what she has and not on what she lost. Thank you for sharing you life and your wisdom.
I know several people whose lives and homes look so perfect and I know they have children with severe problems; mental health, addiction, homelessness and they can't fix it. So your wealth is your lovely girls, your amazing imdustriuosness, and your faith.