Recently, on a sunny Saturday morning, Mr. FG and I were kayaking out on the river our neighborhood borders.
There were so many reasons to be happy and/or thankful.
- The weather was beautiful.
- We have free water access in our own neighborhood.
- Neighbors let us borrow their kayak so we could both go (we only had one at the time).
- We have bodies that are healthy enough to allow us to go out and kayak.
- Our kids are old enough to mind themselves while we go do things like this.
So, you would have thought that I would have been feeling seriously joyful.
(and I certainly expected to feel joyful!)
But as we paddled along, my heart was filled with discontentment.
What I discovered is that in all the years that we’ve walked around our neighborhood, we’ve basically been seeing the backside of all the waterfront houses.
When you get down in the water, though, you see the really beautiful side of all the homes.
Large decks, lovely walkways down to the water, expansive windows covering the whole water-facing side of the home, beautiful docks, boat after boat after boat…when I look at that, it can be really, really hard not to compare and come up short.
(I live in a 1970s-era split foyer on a land-locked lot and I paddle a kayak. That’s not quite the same as a waterfront, modern home with a boat!)
I couldn’t help but think about what it must be like to wake up in bedroom that overlooks the sparkling water, with a beautifully landscaped yard, in a home cleaned by somebody else.
(Not everyone in our neighborhood lives like that, but we walk enough to see landscapers and cleaners arriving at waterfront homes.)
From the water, it’s easy to gaze at that and think, “The lives of those people must be so much better than mine. If I lived there, I’d be so much happier. If I lived that person’s life, I’d be so much happier.”
The thing is, I cerebrally know this isn’t true.
I’ve heard many stories of dazzlingly rich people who are very unhappy. And there are plenty of rich people whose lives are full of problems.
Still, I look at those riches from the water, and somehow, I think they mean freedom from stress and problems.
(Sometimes often my feelings really do not make any sense.)
I’m not going to tell you that I conquered my unpleasant feelings entirely that morning (just writing this post brought a lot of those same feelings flooding back!), but I’ll list what I try to tell myself when discontent threatens to take over.
Happiness is an inside job
No one and no thing outside of me is going to bring me happiness.
We know this is true because people who are rich and famous are not unilaterally happy. And there are plenty of people who are joyful even though their lives are not full of riches and ease.
Happiness and joy have more to do with my own heart than with anything outside of me.
Plus, my heart is gonna come with me wherever I go, wherever I live, and it’ll be there no matter how much money I have.
Wherever I go, there I am. I bring contentment or discontent with me.
Where I am is not an accident
This one is explicitly related to my faith, so it may not be applicable for you if you believe everything in life happens by chance.
I believe that God led me to where I am in life for a reason. My home, my income level, and my difficulties…all of that is for my good, for my growth, or to help me help others.
(I mean, I certainly would not be here, typing on a blog about frugality without having lived through lean financial times!)
When I remember that I do trust God to move me where I’m supposed to be, I feel much more contented about where I am.
There are lots of people who would love to have my life
Someone who is homeless would dearly love to have a 1970s split foyer.
Someone with a chronic illness would dearly love to have my healthy body.
Someone who is going hungry would be massively grateful to have the food in my home.
And goodness, even my past self would be quite grateful to own the kayak my present self owns.
When I make an effort to see my life through someone else’s eyes (or through my past self’s eyes), I get a much more accurate picture of how much I can be grateful for.
No one’s life is problem free
Despite what Instagram feeds tell us, there is not a person on earth whose life is totally smooth sailing.
Everyone faces difficulties of some sort; personal problems, relationship problems, financial problems, parenting problems, health problems…the list of possibilities is endless.
To be jealous of someone’s seemingly problem-free life is to be jealous of something that does. not. exist.
No one in this broken world has the unbroken life we all long for, and adjusting my expectations accordingly is helpful.
Whew.
Typing the first part of this post dipped me right into those discontented feelings, but typing the last part set me right again.
And that is exactly why I have to keep talking to myself instead of just listening to myself.
What do you remind yourself of when you feel discontent?
Laurel Goodwin says
Ugh this has been a major struggle for me right now, thanks for the reminder!
Paul Freidhoff says
When I feel discontent, I ask myself, why am I on Facebook comparing my lives to others when I could be spending my time actually doing what I want? Ever since I cut using Facebook I have been far less discontent. I actually cannot even remember the last time I was sincerely discontent.
Erika W. says
P.S.
But I do appreciate the neighborhood thrift stores! My goodness those lazy lumps throw out a name brand shirt when a button goes missing! Buy a card of new buttons and my hsbnd has once found a nearly brand newSaville Row $280 dress shirt for $15.
Erika W. says
I was raised, for a few years in just such a home with my grandparents, their problems were immense they thought. Theft and discontent from servants, cooked, thrown-away food, uncleaned corners, having to attend civic functions. Little privacy. Constant repairs needed…
When I escaped to modest middle class marriage, what a relief! In particular, privacy in living–what a pleasure.
Kristen says
I’ve often thought that when I’m watching something like Downton Abbey or The Crown. The lack of privacy would be just awful! And I really would prefer to dress myself rather than have someone dress me.
EngineerMom says
I have to admit, house envy is NOT something I’ve ever, ever felt for large waterfront homes.
When I was a kid, my family moved into a 6 bedroom, 3500sqft house built over 100 years ago with a partially finished basement and a lot of original finishes (trim, built-in buffet, etc.) on the first floor. 1122 Reeves Dr, Grand Forks, ND, close to a park with a sledding hill, warming hut, and golf course that was prepped for cross country skiing in the winter, located in a neighborhood where the streets were lined with stately elm trees arching over the street.
It looks amazing, and the pictures currently up on various real estate websites look pretty much like what I remember when we lived there.
However.
In the 5 years we lived there, that house needed: new furnace, new roof, new siding, new window trim, not to mention a lot of issues related to multiple owners doing seriously weird and sometimes dangerous things to the electrical and plumbing. My mom gave up after 2 years and hired a part-time housekeeper who came every other week to clean the bathrooms and vacuum all the carpet because with both parents working full-time plus trying to get tenure (college professors), and us kids in after-school programs or summer camp (we weren’t old enough to stay home alone), that kind of housework just wasn’t getting done.
We had ended up in that house partly in response to living in graduate student housing for 5 years that was a 600sqft 2-bedroom apartment with my parents, my sister, me, a cat, a dog, and my brother was born 9 months before we moved out.
My parents have never lived in a house over 2000sqft after that house!
Later, when my own little family lived in an apartment in Seattle, we had a friend who I dog-walked for who has a home on a lake. I’ve seen the maintenance required for even her tiny beach and dock area, plus the stress of watching a lake rise literally in your backyard.
I’ll happily pay my taxes for beach and lake access maintained by my town’s park district, and I’ll happily wake up to a backyard of mature trees and bird song over the stress of watching a lake rise towards my back door!
SarahN says
Just yesterday I went for a long walk in a neighbourhood I don’t usually. There were so many lovely homes – but I always think ‘I bet those people work so long and hard, they seldom get to enjoy their home!’ Whether that’s true or not, it helps me feel more content.
A friend/colleague once said to me, after I returned from a nieghbourhood with HUGE homes, whether I attributed my inability to likely ever have a home like that, to my parents. I was flabbergasted! Never, ever. It was a cultural difference. But also, I don’t genuinely seek a home larger than I need, with more upkeep than I care for. I like to look at them, I like the merits of the architecture, or gardens. I’m not sure there’s ONE TRUE best home, for me. I like the variety in what I could see, and as someone said here, I couldn’t just take one whole ‘box’ or ‘package’ of the life of those homeowners.
EngineerMom says
It’s interesting your colleague said that, because it’s mostly true – folks who can afford those huge homes typically either had a lot of help with paying for (and earning! having a stable home life with parents who can afford tutors, live in a well-funded school district, and don’t need teens to work to help out the family make a big difference) education that provided well-paying jobs, had help with down payments on earlier “starter” homes (never liked that term), or have received support in other ways from family (free child care from grandparents, money given for weddings or parties, given a car at graduation, etc.).
This is not a judgement on that at all – my parents have helped me out a lot over the years, from helping me graduate college with very little debt to paying for my son’s preschool when we couldn’t afford it while living in Seattle on my husband’s post-doc salary while I was a stay-at-home mom. But generational wealth definitely contributes to being able to afford those huge waterfront homes!
Danielle says
Such a good and thought-provoking post!
My husband and I talk about contentedness often. In fact, we feel like our frugality over the years has been made easier because we are quite content people compared to our peers. We are proud that our only debt is our mortgage (which we just refinanced to save a bundle of time and money!)
Sometimes I’m afraid we even put ourselves on some kind of moral (financial?) pedestal because of it. Don’t get me wrong—we aren’t wealthy by any means, but we live comfortably due to frugal habits. It can be tricky to balance the urge to continue the frugal, content lifestyle that comes natural to us with occasional “live for now” opportunities/splurges that arise, but we are working on it.
For example— we took a couple of recent windfalls to book a family vacation (next year) and finally do a home improvement project we’ve been talking about for years. This goes against our usual nature of squirreling it away, which feels odd, but sometimes it *is* okay to spend the money. It certainly feels strange, though!
Sarah says
Such a good post and lots of great comments! My husband and I are recently retired and living on one fixed income (I am a young retiree so I do not collect my own retirement income yet. My husband is almost 10 years older than me so we live on only his retirement income). We sold everything we own and decided to RV full time for a few years. We both faced our share of hardships over the years leading up to retirement….lost jobs and all that goes with that, health problems, family disharmony, etc. I had to confront my own issues with envy that shifted and changed throughout the years. Big house/material items envy, good health envy, relationship envy after a divorce. After we decided to full time RV and we were doing all our research, I even envied all the people who had already been doing this lifestyle and wished I had looked into it years ago! Hindsight was telling me that if only I had “lived small” 30 years ago, I may not have had a lot of the problems I had in my 30s and 40s. All of this is not to say that I spent my entire life envying everyone else for something or another but I just found myself discontented now and then, and I would have to talk myself through it and remind myself of all I have to be grateful for. Like several others have said, I now look at ANY sized houses and yards as too much work and taking away my freedom. I look at all the stuff people own (even RV-ers!) as exhausting and time/energy consuming. I will add that RV envy still creeps in there now and then. When we start to feel cramped or closed in, I envy those with RVs that are much bigger than ours or envy those who travel a whole lot more than we do. But all it takes is a walk through someone else’s RV to realize that we picked ours for a reason…it has all the features and storage that we need for us. We love it! Plus there’s something to say for owning our RV, our truck to pull it, and the RV lot outright. No mortgage or loan. My take on why Americans feel so much discontent is that social media and advertising are two of the main culprits. If you are on social media at all, you are shown every day how “perfect” everyone else’s life is (intellectually we know that no life is perfect). And if you watch any TV, read anything on the internet, receive catalogs or magazines in the mail, read a billboard as you drive past or any of the other hundreds of ways that merchants tell you that you don’t measure up then you are given many reasons to believe that you should be envious. Honestly, can’t most women raise their hands to admitting that they are trained to think their bodies don’t look right unless they achieve a certain weight, dye their hair, get botox, have all the right clothes?? It’s all so sad what we are brainwashed into thinking (and comparing) but it’s just human nature to have similar thoughts to what Kristin had that day in the kayak. It’s how we handle them that it counts.
Danielle says
Thank you for this post. It couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. Thank you so much for being so open and honest.
Pam G. says
This is exactly what I needed to read today, thank you so much!
Rolien says
Oh yes, I have experienced exactly the same! When I went canoeing last year (not in my neighbourhood, I have to drive at least 30 min to the canoe rental) I felt very envious of all those lovely houses with huge gardens with their own jetties and boats. I can feel it again now that I write this.
I live in a small, OK house in a very nice neighbourhood, I have a small but lovely garden, and there are many more things in my life to be thankful for (my son, health, my job).
You are so very right that happiness doesn’t come from having a large house etc. But I need to keep reminding myself.
Also, I wonder how I can teach this to my 15yo son. He thinks we are poor because we cannot afford all the things he would like to have and he keeps longing for things he sees on the internet (expensive game computer, Tesla car etc).
Addy says
We had a yard sale recently and one of the customers was overheard saying to her husband, “See I told you if we came over here where the rich people live, there would be nice things!” I would certainly not consider our neighborhood “rich” – the homes are fairly small and old, but they are well-kept. But I guess to others who might live in lesser circumstances, they do seem rich. It made me very thankful for what I do have.
CrunchyCake says
My kids go to school in a district where there are some beautiful homes – $5M+ and while I’m not usually one to wish for material things, those homes do give me that feeling of “oh wow…what if we could live somewhere like that” which is followed by some degree of “our house kinda sucks.” Not a happy path.
But I’ve had two experiences that help put things into perspective – one is I sold some trains that my kids no longer played with to a woman who was buying them for her niece’s kids. As I was walking to answer the door when she came to pick them up, I was thinking “look at our house – it’s a wreck. Toys everywhere, kids in disarray, laundry in process – what will she think?” And literally the first thing she said was “Look at your house!” But she said it with awe and wishfulness. She saw my mess as a sign of family, love and fullness. And it’s true. My life is full with love. The house doesn’t matter nearly as much as what’s in it.
The second is when I think about our progression. We put a deposit down on a condo when my husband and I were engaged. It was a small, two bedroom place and the only upgrade we could afford was wiring for speakers (not even the speakers themselves – HA!). Fast forward 16 years and our house is bigger now, with granite countertops, shutters, etc. Here’s the thing…the countertops aren’t in great condition. I notice the paint on the shutters cracking. The trim on the house could be painted…just more dollar signs to upkeep a bigger, nicer space. Even now, when my husband and I think of our most comfortable home, it’s where we started – in our little condo – the only thing that puts our current home in the hall of fame for us is that our kids have spent most of their lives here and they’ve filled it with joy.
So ya, a nice house is nice but a happier home is better.
Amanda says
One kind of funny trick I have been doing to keep myself from descending into discontentment is to imagine my life as an Instagram feed. I almost never post on social media. When I do it is a poorly composed and lighted picture of one of my kids doing something. But I imagine what my life would look like if I was an influencer. There would be an image of us enjoying a bike ride yesterday, but not a picture of my youngest crying because it was hot and he was getting tired. There would be an image of the evening light filtering serenely through my kitchen window instead of an image of the exasperation I feel when we have to leave a softly sunlight backyard to start bath and bed because my kids are too young to stay up late enough to enjoy a June sunset. Imaging what I might look like to outsiders helps me put things in perspective. I do not lead a perfect life, and I look forward to how the future might be easier than the present, but I have a pretty great life. The Instagram feed in my head says so.
Fd says
It is tough to not feel envy when looking at other people’s lives sometimes. But envy can also give us the push we didn’t know we needed to change our lives. Have you looked at the prices of such houses? They may be more affordable than you thought, though they will probably require sacrifices that you may not be willing to make (long term debt, unfulfilling/not funny but high-paying jobs, less time at home due to long hours jobs, smaller house or backyard, less attractive or convenient neighborhood, etc). When I envy something I try to look at all the steps that I would need to walk in order to achieve this goal. Sometimes, I realize the steps were manageable and if I still really want this after a few days/months, I’ll take the steps. But often, the path is not aligned with my values or my take on life and the envy passes altogether!
Kimberly says
Thanks for your heart-felt words! I have been there! However, after I have worked in the homes of the wealthy for over 20 years, I have noticed a common thread. My non-Christian clients were always seeking… Always looking for something new to fill the void. Contentment was missing.
We are not materially rich by any stretch… In fact, we have made very stupid mistakes early on. But, I find my contentment knowing that God has a plan for all of my mistakes! I feel rich in Christ.
Isa says
Hi Kimberly,
Good for you for finding your path/happiness in God, but please keep in mind that you have no idea what people feel inside if they don’t choose to share it with you. Your comment sounds very narrow-minded/judgmental, and is just plain insulting for all non-Christians. I am not a “believer” and I still have a rich life and am content with it. It has absolutely nothing to do with religion for me, and for many others.
Enjoy your day!
Amanda says
I am a Christian, and I found her comment insulting too. Thank you for speaking up, Isa. Christ calls us to love others, not make assumptions about their lives and judge them.
Kristina says
I have experience being both a Christian and non-Christian, and although I know that as a believer you have all the potential to be fulfilled and content, it is not the road for everyone (or me). And for what it’s worth, I know plenty of Christians who are continually looking for the newest, biggest toys out there, and don’t seem to live a very immaterial life. I also think it’s part of human nature to be looking for something bigger and fulfilling regardless.
Elizabeth says
Thank you for speaking up Isa. If this was anywhere but FG I would have left after seeing Kimberly’s comment.
Madeline says
I was also offended by the comment. I have many Jewish friends and even a Muslim friend. Many non believers too.Pretty happy people,all of them. All of us from time to time experience discontent and a period of “seeking..” including Christians if my Christian friends are telling the truth to me. “Dark night of the Soul” and all that? Anyway—especially in these times we need to be more inclusive with our language and assumptions.
Kimberly Kerr says
I am sorry that I didn’t include the word “many” of my non-Christian clients were always seeking. And, I had a great relationship with them and loved them like family. I DID know what they were feeling inside because they shared with me. Certainly I had wealthy clients that I had no idea of their beliefs or contentment level. Anyway, sorry if my statement was offensive.
AH says
I don’t think your post was offensive. You clearly stated that you were relating your personal experience with a particular set of people you knew that were non- believers, and you were not generalizing to all non-believers. Unfortunately we live in a time of “non- judgemental” people making rash judgements about all kinds of things. It’s like topsy-turvy world. It’s especially common to see people harshly judge anyone who claims to be a Christian for not exhibiting absolutely perfect knowledge and virtue in all circumstances, as if making any type of mistake should be impossible for a Christian, or expressing yourself in an imperfect way is some kind of horrible crime. You did nothing wrong. You were judged harshly by people who claim they don’t like it when people judge harshly. Go figure.
Cathy in NJ says
AH,
That was well said, “Expressing yourself in an imperfect way is some sort of horrible crime.”
Chris says
Just think of all the midgies on the river, you would be bitten to bits.
Lindsey says
I think that the one thing that has kept me from feeling very much discontent with my life was watching my husband get cancer at 28 and be given a terminal diagnosis…only to be invited to participate in a new drug therapy that saved him. And then, 10 years later, my genetic illness made itself known and I was given a terminal diagnosis and admitted to hospice. A few weeks later, a new treatment came along and nearly two dozen surgeries later, I am still here. I know this may sound horrible, but when we hear someone complaining and complaining one of us will say to the other, “What they need is to survive a terminal illness.” Even on days when I am in pain and can hardly move, or my husband falls down because he was left with no feeling in his legs from the knees down so even a rock he doesn’t see can trip him up, we are both so thankful to be alive that it is the rare thing that upsets us. I think our marriage is better for having each been ill and nursed the other. I am not trying to say that people’s feelings are not somehow legitimate or without value or should be minimized. I am trying to say that for us what has worked is to look at what is making us feel miserable about not having tons of money or a huge house or a brain that produced some cure to save millions from a disease (my favorite way of making myself feel inadequate) is nothing compared to being dead.
Kimberly says
Wow! You two are miracles!! So awesome!!
Mei says
Totally relatable. I survived cancer, and I have eliminated the sadness that came with comparing myself to others.
Jenny says
We used to paddle down the DesPlaines River (in our beat-up, much loved canoe “The Wayfaring Stranger” near here and would see homes like this. But I knew some of the residents, or about them, and knew that things were not so good in their homes and families. I guess what matters is who you are paddling with, both in actual physical life, and also who we feel is leading or in charge in the greater sense of the word. I love how you express this.
Heidi Louise says
The perfect is the enemy of the good?
These “perfect” houses are enemies of your “good” home?
OregonGuest says
This post made me a little sad. It is human nature to feel envy, and when the best parts of ourselves show up, we are probably better at controlling that envy, but some days, well, it’s tough. I have “relationship” envy instead of “financial” envy, and man, I struggle with it, but I think all envy is the same — it’s simply that disconnect between what you think things are supposed to look like and what they actually do look like, and when those things don’t match up, look out!. I also don’t think one type of envy is better or worse or more justified than another — so oogling someone’s house and feeling envious is not somehow better or worse on the Envy Scale than the envy I feel when I convince myself that people are more popular than I am.
By the way, Kristen, boat stands for Bust Out Another Thousand, so kayaks are definitely more frugal!
Martha C says
A wise friend once shared this with me when I was feeling discontentment and jealousy of wealthier neighbors: Suppose they put their entire life in a box and said ‘Here you can have my house and my car but you also have to take everything else in my life too… it’s a package deal” If you looked inside the box you’d find tons of things you DON’T want. You’ll end up running back to your own box very grateful for your own imperfect package.
Brigitte pivac says
Oh my Kristen how i really needed this post today. I have been struggling and questioning Why me for a while now. I prayed hard last night for forgiveness for my failings also some clarity of what I need to do to move forward to do Gods will and here today is your post.
Faith Always and an acceptance that I am human I’ll always think and do silly things occasionally but I won’t be alone. Thank you so much.
Jen says
Brave. Honest. Truth. Thanks. Jen
cathy says
I really struggled with this post. I am sure there will be readers–and maybe Kristen as well–who will feel like I should have just chosen not to comment. I struggled with the post, not because I identify with the discontented feeling that your home (that’s not huge, and not waterfront) was inferior to the beautiful ones you passed on the waterfront, but because I so completely do not identify with this type of discontent. At what point did Americans become so materialistic? Why their obsession with bigger, newer, more expensive stuff? And then the need to feel better about it by rationalizing that the people living in the huge homes probably aren’t happy or likely are house rich and cash poor? We live in a 1950s ranch-style home on a standard small city lot. It’s more than enough. I’m not envious of people with a new, granite kitchen, large house, landscaper, or new expensive car. I’m envious of the people who have less. Maybe it’s age: I’d like less house to take care of and a smaller yard. I’d like to live in a neighborhood that’s so walkable, we could do without a car. It’s true, we all struggle with different things. When I feel most discontented, it’s in watching how difficult things are for my kids. One struggles with completing schoolwork due to ADD. He has a whole support network of people working to make sure he will graduate high school. He also has food allergies, and it still breaks my heart that he can’t go to a party or get together with friends and “have what everyone else is having.” My other kid is LGBTQ, and though she has full support of family and friends, the world is still not a kind place if you’re seen as “different” or “other.” My discontent comes in the form of frustration with cousins bragging about their 4.0 student who made the varsity (fill-in-the-blank) team or friends who assume that everyone’s kids are gender-conforming, straight, and happy-go-lucky. They are perfectly entitled to be proud, but seem to be oblivious that not all kids are like theirs. I understand discontentment with situations that are challenging day after day. But I am baffled by discontentment that stems from comparisons with other people’s lives, based on the dollar value of their stuff.
Kristen says
I totally understand having envy/jealousy about things other than material goods. And honestly, that’s part of what I was trying communicate in my post…that there’s some part of me that looks at those tidy, perfect homes and my brain says, “If you lived there, you’d have an easier life.”, as though riches somehow guarantee some ease in life, smooth relationships, easy parenting, kids with no struggles, and so on.
When I think about it, I KNOW that’s not true. But somehow, I have a hard time remembering that.
Anyway. Envy/jealousy/discontent is hard no matter what flavor it comes in, so hugs to you. <3
cathy says
It was clear that you felt it was ridiculous that you felt the discontent when you saw the big, expensive houses. What is completely baffling to me is WHY you–or anyone else–would feel that way about material objects. I guess it’s just how I’m wired. I never think “Oh, if we only had more money, our kids wouldn’t have struggles, or _____ would be better.”
Kristen says
I don’t know. I mean, I know it’s not logical, and yet I (and other readers, as evidenced by the comments) still end up thinking this way. I suppose it happens for the same reason that we commit other logical fallacies or experience cognitive distortions.
Whatever the reason for it happening, though, the important thing is: what do we do with ourselves when we have faulty thinking and cognitive distortions? For those of us who experience those, it’s important to know how to talk to ourselves and correct our faulty thinking.
Kristina says
Cathy, totally get your feelings (and Kristen’s feelings too, I have felt them myself). I have 4 kids, and all have a mental health condition. We struggle with ADD, ADHD, anxiety, depression and some other things. In our society, it’s a very invisible and lonely struggle. It’s also financially hard to find adequate support. Two of my kids are LGBTQ, my oldest is transgender.
Besides feeling like we can’t relate to many peers here who have more traditional lives, I’m a also an immigrant and have always struggled with feeling like an outsider. American materialism was a huge shock to me. Some of our happiest time as a family was when we lived very modestly but had lots of family and friends nearby. Now, I look at money as a tool or shortcut to be able to get more support or have one worry less, but I do agree, after a certain point it won’t bring more happiness.
WilliamB says
I have an idea why Americans are materialistic. Humans are wired to crave high status (also known as success or recognition) however status is defined in their society. In the US, material goods are a highly frequent marker of status. Even though many of Kirsten’s readers consciously reject this as a status marker, it is hard if not impossible to rid ourselves of the unconscious/emotional feeling of Lot of Things = High Status.
karen says
Maybe I am old and tired. But when I see big houses, mansions really, I think that house must be so hard to clean and so hard to decorate.
We have our family home but the kids are gone. Our area has grown so much but only larger houses are being built. So many empty nester are trying to downsize and are fighting over every ranch for sale. So we stay in our too large home.
Sarahbeth says
Such good words…So applicable to us all. I feel like social media is the thing for me that causes discontent on a massive level. I have noticed that Facebook and Instagram (the only two platforms I’ve ever dabbled in) cause me to feel actual heightened anxiety over the pictures and posts I see. After seeing what people have posted (and I have made a point of only following positive people) I feel so inadequate and a crazy amount of pressure to do whatever they’re doing, particularly as it relates to parenting! If I see others’ accounts showing or telling about things they’re doing with their kids, I immediately feel guilty, and feel “Oh, they’re doing so much better at parenting than me! I bet their kids are so happy and well-adjusted…I better do these things too, or I’m not giving my kids enough of a chance for [fill in the blank]!”
These feelings over the years have caused me stress and feelings of such inadequacy to the point that I have had to pretty much abandon social media. It’s just not worth it. I feel so much happier without it!!! I don’t have to be the same mom as someone else, I need to be the mom God had created me to be!
I guess my discontent takes a slightly different form. I know those other people aren’t perfectly happy, and they definitely only show the best of themselves. I don’t feel like their lives are necessarily happier or less stressful, but my goodness, it’s so tempting to feel that these people are just doing life better than me. I’m better off without the temptation in the first place; no point in adding that burden to my back!
Ingrid says
When I’m on a boat, I wish I were kayaking or paddle boarding. So much more to see and the exercise.
Shannon says
This was a lovely reminder that I needed to hear today. Thank you!
Jen says
I can really relate to this post. I’m a physician who does hospice care in a major metropolitan area. My peers in other specialties make much more money and often come from families with generational wealth. I can easily get caught in the comparison trap, and that does tank my happiness.
Usually my gratitude practice, which I do every day, helps to focus me on all I am thankful for , but not always. Checking in with myself to see what I am missing in my life usually helps. Do I need more sleep? More fun? A getaway from my life (hard right now)? A phone call to a friend? A funny movie?
Usually paying attention to what I need helps, along with limiting my exposure to people who have so much more— less Facebook.
Suz says
Thank you for your work. It must be very challenging; but what a gift to those in hospice, to have a targeted physician who specializes in caring for them.
Diane C says
Ha!
I could have written this post. Our kids live in Aspen, which is the epitome of crazy expensive housing. We live in a lovely house in a lovely place, but it’s no resort community. All those suggestions that have been offered are good ones, but here’s another one that provides a little subversive fun.
Look the property in question up on your favorite Real Estate site. Scroll down until you get to the Property Taxes section, and see what their taxes cost them. It’s always an eye-opener.
Here’s some more free frugal fun: Whenever DH and I read one of those “Perfect Places to Retire” headlines, we choose a couple places from the list and pretend we’re buying a house there. We look on Zillow (or wherever) and “see” the place from a different perspective. You know, one that’s more reality based. We have to choose which house we would buy if we were moving right now. It usually stops our wanderlust cold.
This week, for more Shelter in Place fun, we randomly chose the Detroit area, specifically Grosse Pointe. We looked at all the listings, including the insides of some pretty fancy houses. Oh, my goodness, the upkeep that those big houses require! And then we closed the computer and played a game of cards in our house that’s perfectly fine.
deb in sc says
What fun….those all sound like GREAT ideas….especially the property tax one!!
Suz Beckett says
Thank you for these reminders!!
Jem Horwood says
I would add to this that your life makes you much more relatable to most of your readers!
I used to have those feelings when I saw opulent displays of riches in terms of houses, landscaping etc. Now that I have experienced more poverty in recent years than ever before, experienced a big house as a huge weight and source of massive anxiety, and have really become aware of the inequities in our society, these things often look crass and tone-deaf to me. That doesn’t mean I am never discontent or envious! But it is more often of character-filled little homes in wild settings.
Shirley says
Great post, great comments. It reminded me of one time driving in the Main Line with my daughter in her twenties…I said, “Boy, these people have more money than they know what to do with,” and she said, “Looks to me like they know what to do with it!”
C says
I generally feel sorry for those people. They are basically locked into a lifestyle that they might not actually want if they really think about it.
Katy @ The Non-Consumer Advocate says
There’s always someone who lives an externally better looking life, just like your own lives look enviable to others.
I remember talking about this with my kids when they were younger as they both had friends who assumed we were rich because our house is big and my decorating style is pretty formal. Children don’t notice outdated Formica countertops, meals based on bulk purchased beans or know that the fun pool outing was on a discount day with a coupon.
My kids also had friends with tremendously more money than us, and would come home from these literal historic mansions amazed that other people had luxury basements with game rooms, luxury kitchens and their friends even had their own bathrooms!
We have what we need, even though we all share a single bathroom and prepare endless bean based meals without the supposed benefit of a granite countertop.
It’s all relative, and if we have our needs met we’re actually quite lucky.
J says
Lol. Granite countertops and subway tile, etc., etc. are the harvest gold and shag carpet equivalents for today.
Sarah says
That’s funny, J! And so true. I’ll add to that the other must-have…. stainless steel appliances.
Jem Horwood says
Another thing about granite countertops – they are freezing cold, and ANY plate or dish you drop on them is guaranteed to break!
AJ says
Thank You & yes I feel this way too from time to time . But when I do I think about Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain who’s lives I thought were perfect. She created art & design through her clothes, he traveled the world meeting new people and seeing new places while eating all the local foods of the regions. I often wonder what could have been so terribly wrong with their lives that they both decided to end theirs. Sorry I don’t mean to bring up such a depressing subject but I know thinking about this always gives me a jolt back to reality and makes me take stock and realize how great it is to just breath and see the beautiful world around me.
JD says
Such a good post! I admire your honesty and have to admit, I get the same way, sometimes, when I see evidence of much bigger incomes than we have.
First, though – For a perspective on some of the big homes we see, check out the website McMansion Hell. That will give you a new view on the subject.
Next — I know a man who lives right on a lovely small river in a beautiful big brick home, with a boat AND an inground pool. But oh, my. They had so many structural problems building it that it took several attempts to pass inspection during construction, delaying their finish date by many months. The only hot water they had when they moved in (surprise!) was at one outdoor spigot. Parts of the brick siding had to be removed and the underneath cladding repaired. So many things went wrong. So many repairs. It still crops up with a problem now and then. Not everyone has those problems, but some do!
I also know people whose lives may look perfect, but I know for a fact that they sure aren’t.
Some families just seem to have it all, though, and be truly good people on top of it – then I struggle with feeling envious. I really do have to count my blessings, and let’s be honest, I have a lot to count compared to 30 years ago, and compared to so many people living in dire poverty, I have too many things to count!
Like you, my faith helps pull me out of the discontent. I once heard a preacher say that God has placed each of us here, in this time, in this place, for a reason. If I’m placed in a spot where I don’t have a lot, but I have enough to share, then I should share, and quit envying those who have more.
Ruth T says
Sometimes I remind myself that there’s a cost to everything, whether it’s time, money, stress, whatever.
I also have to remind myself that I can’t always fight discontent on my own but I CAN ask the Holy Spirit to help me.
Thanks for your honesty. It’s refreshing.
Mary says
I grew up in poverty–near homeless several times, hungry most of the time–and married, divorced and raised my kids in poverty. I’m well versed in the haves and the have-nots. I’m well versed in what it means to have nearly nothing and what it means to have an abundance. Although I’m significantly more content and happier with my life now, it’s because I’ve known what it’s like to have near nothing, or worse yet, have so much of what little I have feel like it’s going to slip away. One the rare occasion I feel discontent, I remember being nearly homeless, being hungry, or not having clothing that fit, or books to read, or a vehicle to go not only where I needed to go, but where I wanted to go. I also take a good look at what I’ve accomplished and how far I’ve come–not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.
It puts things into perspective pretty quickly.
Kimberly says
Great post– thank you! And it’s exactly what I just finished a Bible study about: Learning to *talk* to my soul, instead of *listening* to it/my emotions. The Psalms are packed with that very thing.
Not easy or natural to do, though.
Susie Erdey says
“When I remember that I do trust God to move me where I’m supposed to be, I feel much more contented about where I am.” Absolutely needed to read this today. Thank you.
Kris says
Aww, Kristen, I know those feelings! You are human. We humans compare our lives with others. You have the right overarching mindset to deal with your lack of contentment, and I know you will. Meanwhile, I suspect there are others who are envious of you. You are slim, pretty, married to a neat guy, have four beautiful children with whom you have a good relationship, you have multiple talents …. your riches are in different areas rather than the material ones. Thanks for sharing your heart with us (even when it doesn’t look “pretty”).
cathy says
I have those same feelings when we kayak I would be so happy to have water front and I think of how I would share it with family and friends and how much fun it would be. I live in a lake community without a water front. We do not have a boat just kayaks. I am not looking for anything fancy just comfortable. Like you when I count my blessings I begin to feel better. We live in a lovely home on a dead end street,very quiet. When I show my porch on my blog I get oohs and ahhs and wish they had a porch like that. We are comfortable and have really enjoyed our home during the quarantine so I have much to be thankful for. Most of all our health.
Cathy
WilliamB says
This is either the exact right, or the exact wrong, time to say I envy people with nice porches.
Lorraine says
Me too!
Lyndsey says
I feel this way from time to time too! I always end up feeling guilty for not being appreciative and as thankful as I should for the blessings the Lord has given me. We happened by accident to live in an extremely wealthy upscale area in southern Ontario. We bought our house on10 acres, 9 years ago and it was a disaster! It had been vacant and uncared for, for a long long time! We bought for the property to expand our business and for the proximity to mine and my husbands parents. Little did we know…once our 5 kids started attending school we are deemed the “poor” people in our neighborhood! None of their friends like coming over to our place because we do not have all the bells and whistles they do (multiple TVs, gaming systems, in ground pool, hot tub, etc, etc). We have renovated the entire house and our kids lack for nothing (in my opinion). But still we are judged by these children (ages 6-13) for the lack of high end finishes we have. My 8 year olds best friend even commented on my “old” truck (we have a 2012 Honda Pilot). I try to remind myself that we are truly blessed and have been provided everything we need but it does get to you more often than not! Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s nice to know others feel similar qualms
Mary says
How oddly funny. For me, it was the reverse.
When my kids were in high school, we lived in a house in the city. It was a huge old brick house with three stories and five bedrooms and 12 foot ceilings. It had a huge front porch with a swing and the porch was filled with houseplants in the summer. We had a foyer the size of a bedroom and its window held a velvet valance that curved beautifully at the bottom. My daughters dressed nice–not over the top–but in clean, classic clothing. When their friends came over, we’d have special meals–like Mexican or middle eastern. Everyone thought we were rich.
What they didn’t know was the house was Section 8 (federal housing assistance) helped pay for (I was going to college full time and working part time), and we relied on food stamps to put food on the table. Those special meals were meant to be cheap and used things like beans, grains, pastas and spices to stretch the food. We scoured garage sales to furnish the house (nothing was over $20 and I learned to reupholster and paint!) and we kept the house clean and well organized. Those 12 foot ceilings in a house built at the turn of the century meant it was a bear to keep above freezing in the winter. (The thermostat was never set above 66 degrees thanks to oil heat and steam radiators.) Those houseplants were propagated from bits and pieces of friend’s plants–if you looked closely enough, you’d find there were actually only about five different types of plants, all at various stages of growth. That velvet valance in the foyer window? I sewed it from an old bedspread. The clothing my daughters wore? From the free clothing table at a local community center.
It’s funny how others create a narrative of someone else’s story.
WilliamB says
Lyndsey, apparently being well-off doesn’t guarantee good manners, either.
Felicia says
As a waterfront land owner (albeit not that fancy) I promise it’s not all that great. Sure the view can be nice and I do appreciate it. But sometimes it’s just not worth it.
•we pay fees monthly, even if we don’t use the lake
•any boat in the water must have your last name on it (and the head honchos nephew loves to police the crap out of that)
•if you put your boat (of any kind) in any other water it must be throughly cleaned before being put back into the lake bc of cross contamination
•mosquitos …. lots of them
•people constantly want to trespass and fish off your bank… even when you have bushes and trees blocking the way
•you can’t build proper privacy fences bc it blocks your neighbors view of the lake and you cant bring any fence down to the waters edge
•seawall upkeep is expensive but necessary
•most waterfronts comes with HOA/POA which means a million regulations in what you can’t and can do on the land you paid for and own.
After 8 years I’ve learned it’s much better to own landlocked land that I have full control over. And to admire from afar the homes with the view.
Julie says
I often remind myself “Comparison is the thief of joy” when I feel discontented.
Julie P. says
Yes! I saw this quite a lot too and am pleased to note I’m a Julie too.
Julie P says
Dear, I meant *say*. Maybe it bears repeating though, haha.
Nancy says
What a great post! I think back to to my younger self that would have given anything for the secure life I have now. Not perfect, nothing is without some problems, but comfortable.
It’s so easy to take things for granted or envy people that seem to have more. Looking back helps me.
Mary says
This is so true, and so beautifully written! Thank you for these timely and wonderful words! ❤️
Casey Paisley says
This hit home! Great post.
Lisa says
I love these authentic posts! When I see a huge home I think, “who’s going to clean it?” Even if I had the money for it, being more introverted, I wouldn’t want a cleaning lady in my house.
Heidi Louise says
You mean you would clean before the cleaning lady got there, the way I would?
Maureen says
What I reminded myself is that what comes with those big fancy houses and lawns is a big cost. You have to pay a lot for the house, then the monthly heating and A/C bills and electricity and water. Then there is the maintenance, lawn and housekeeping, to keep it looking nice. Yes, if I made more money I’m sure I could afford those things, but would that bring me happiness when I am already happy in the house I have? My home is my happy place is what I choose to believe. I don’t think any home is going to be 100% perfect for any one person. Each of us will find fault with something!
Anonymous says
I have read your blog at times since the No Waste Fridays posts appeared regularly and have been impressed by your honesty and willingness to find your personal happiness within your self proclaimed limited means. Lately, I sense the paradigm shift that this blog is taking. What seems to be revealed is the latent envy of an upper-middle-class lifestyle that will never be reached. This post about kayaking down the river was unfortunate and sad. You missed the opportunity to be part of the river, part of the kayak, and fully part of the relationship that you have formed with another human being. If a lifestyle of superficial wealth is coveted, it is within reach. Adjust to the demands and reach it or let it go and enjoy the beautiful houses facing the river and the promises that they appear to hold for you and more importantly enjoy the feel of the vibration of the paddle as it moves from the water to your arm. Enjoy the sunshine. Enjoy that you have the time and energy and desire to kayak down a river. We are the Nature that we surround ourselves with and Nature is everything that exists. You could be the river or the boat or the beautifully constructed homes. You could be the builder who built them and the owner who enjoys them or the caretaker that takes care. You have the capability to decide. If we can’t recognize that we are so deeply connected that we become one with whatever surrounds us, we miss the point of our lives.
Kristen says
Oh, I agree; I know I should have enjoyed the sunshine and the water and the beautiful weather.
But despite me knowing all of that, I still experienced that wave of discontent. I talked myself through it (talking to myself is important, rather than just listening to myself!), but that doesn’t change the fact that the wave was there.
And I thought it might be important to share because if all I share are my contented thoughts, readers might feel like, “Oh no! I felt discontent. Why can’t I feel contented all the time like Kristen does? I probably am just a person who can’t be content.”
I want readers to know that it is normal to struggle with envy or discontentment; the struggle is fairly universal. It’s what we do with those waves or thoughts that matters, I think.
(That said, if you don’t personally struggle with discontentment, I applaud you!)
Anonymous says
While I am not sure if the comment with parenthesis was sincere, I will respond with honesty. I am human, and I struggle with discontentment. The form my discontentment takes is different from what you described in your post. I struggle with the economic conditions that western societies have imposed on the global economy through greed, consumerism, and constant need for acquisition. I struggle with watching the continued effects of colonization. I struggle with watching humans act without empathy or respect towards other species and unfortunately, even their own. I am discontent with the world view that has allowed our climate to suffer so disastrously. I struggle because I am human.
Kristen says
Oh yes, I meant that sincerely. I know it’s hard to communicate tone on the internet, but I didn’t mean anything in my comment as insincere.
DGB says
Anonymous,
You seriously need to get over your very self righteousness.
Kristen puts herself out there in every post. She shares her very human feelings with her readers, who appreciate her honesty. We all learn from each other.
Katie says
“When I remember that I do trust God to move me where I’m supposed to be, I feel much more contented about where I am.”
I love the above you wrote! That is what my family and I are trying to do right now as we just sold our home to get out of debt. We don’t know where we will end up yet when we need to be out of our home by the end of July, but we are confident that God will show us where we need to be. Still, I am a little bit anxious about it. We have been praying A LOT!
We have moved a lot in the 18 years my husband and I have been married, so I get a little envious at times with people who have stayed in one place for a while. Looking back, though, we can see how God was and has been growing us through each and every move. If we had stayed in one place, a few moves ago, we would have paid it off and then probably bought a second home on a lake along with all the toys, expenses and worldly distractions that most likely would’ve come along with it. If we hadn’t moved to where we are now, we may never have gotten involved with missions, sharing the gospel and doing our part to fulfill the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20).
I love your blog, btw. I love how humble and truthful you are, even with hard things.
Karen. says
Mmm-hmm, yes. You are not alone. And reading all these comments has made me tearful.
I told my sister-in-law the other day that I was having one of those moments where I felt like I should have chosen a different career so I could have a little bit of money set back by now. And her response was (in part), “Money can make things easier, but it does not make it better.”
How interesting that this coincides with the K,P topic for today. Where we’re at is probably the thing we get most bent out of shape about.
Ninety-nine point nine nine percent of the time, I’m perfectly happy. I know there has to be some prompt, some urging, to change a situation, but I do wish it didn’t manifest as discontent.
Furthermore, discontent is always about “I” and “me” and “us” — a good cure is to look outside and care for others.
Tracy T says
Your words are very true. Thanks for being real!
lisa says
Kristen- Oh wow. What a great day to be paddling and despite the feelings of looking at big homes on the water, just remember this phrase: “We are where we’re supposed to be.” We are in our places in life at that moment for a reason. Not a coincidence as I don’t believe in those. You have everything you need, are loved and do not want for anything. Which makes you very rich…. Hugs going out to you!
Our home is 1400 sq ft. The bedrooms are 9 ft by 9 ft and can fit a twin bed and desk without looking overly cluttered. I may have mentioned this before, but one young man came over to play with my oldest and told my oldest he would never come back as our home was too small. As a child, I visited apartments to play with friends and never would dream of making that comment. When we thought of selling this place, a realtor told us it was a “starter home.”
Despite these brief encounters, I knew that what we had was affordable, clean and easily managed. Still is. It may not be my dream home. But it’s serving its purpose and I have so much more than a lot of folks. I realize that and am grateful for the opportunity and blessing to have what I have.
Anna says
My struggle with envy has gone on all my life. It’s never been about material success, I can enjoy life on any amount of money, but about lack of family, and I have no control over this. I never really had a mother, dead when I was 16 but cold and distant even when she was alive.
My husband and I have four middle aged sons who never call, not one has checked on us since this pandemic started, and we have done a great deal for them over the years.
It’s quite hard not to dwell on that emptiness, but we do try to remind ourselves we are fine financially and in reasonably good health for our age. Life’s a struggle, isn’t it?
Kristen says
I think it’s completely understandable to feel sad about that. I’m so sorry they haven’t checked in on you guys. Hugs to you. <3
mary says
I too understand sadness about family relationships that despite our best efforts, remain perplexingly distant and/or don’t meet our needs or even basic expectations of how close family members would be. I grieve for this myself. It’s hard. I’m sorry.
WilliamB says
Feeling discontent is normal and thank you for sharing yours and keeping it real.
I know what you mean about house envy. I get it too. Then I think about why I have the house I have and how well it expresses my *actual* preferences:
– convenient city location: walkable, near public transit, and usually a short-ish commute;
– big enough to have some space but not so big that you never see another person; honestly, big houses seem kind of anti-family;
– affordable on a sane working schedule; I’ve had 80-100/week jobs – I prefer 40-50 and time to enjoy my life;
– less maintenance;
– mortgage and taxes I can afford, with some leftover for a cleaning lady (which is my favorite luxury).
As it happens, this past weekend I was on a 35 foot fancy boat (1 BR, bath w shower, mini kitchen) (which my host said wasn’t as fancy as most!), motoring past the huge fancy houses with large waterfronts. The pilot/guide told us stories about the owners. Most of them didn’t sound any happier than I am. Then I think about the maintenance, and the greedy family members who argue over who gets what, and being so rich that you wonder if your friends actually like you or if they’re attracted by the money, and so many other things. I realized I was content to be in the boat for a few hours and observe the handsome result of other people’s hard work without having to deal with the hassles myself.
Jo Buchman is right: kayaking is more fun than motorboating.
After some point, more money and more things don’t equal more happiness.
Kristen says
I think you are doing this exactly right; a friend with a boat is perfection. lol
I often think this about my parents’ pool. I don’t want to own one, but I certainly appreciate that my parents own one!
The taxes point is so true…you have to pay those even when the mortgage is paid off, so that’s just a never-ending, enormous expense.
Jenni says
I feel contented when I take care of the things I own. For example, washing dishes and putting them away, ready for the next use. Vacuuming the front entrance so it’s inviting and fresh. Making my bed always makes me feel content.
I live in a small house with my family (4) and I love the opportunities to “bump in” to them. Last night, there were 3 of us in the office, my husband at his computer, my daughter at the piano and me on the couch reading. In a big house, I wouldn’t have those moments.
I clean my own house and am thankful for its size when I have to tidy it top to bottom. It doesn’t take very long!
Home is where your family is.
Lucy says
I understand your feelings of discontent and comparing your life to others. I live in a town next to extremely wealthy Greenwich, Darien & Westport Connecticut. Westchester county NY is also nearby. We pass through these mega mansions both in the water and mid country. Every time I ask my husband, what do these people do that they can own such gigantic mansions with so many acres of land. Some of them have their own organic farm and horses in their property. But, I also think are they happy? Do they have friends and family visiting them?
anna chan says
“Every time I ask my husband, what do these people do that they can own such gigantic mansions with so many acres of land.”
Lucy, I live in the same area as you, Brookfield, CT, and I always ask the same question. The neighborhood I live in is modest, but there are plenty of big houses and boats nearby. Sometimes it is so easy to feel discontented.
Kristen says
Oh, that’s funny; Mr. FG often asks the same thing when we drive by mansions. Like, it’s hard to fathom how one obtains such large sums of cash!
kristin @ going country says
Worth noting: Just because a person has a lot of vehicles and a huge house does NOT mean they have a lot of cash. Often, quite the opposite. Though they do usually have high-paying jobs, with which they can access a lot of credit, and that comes with very high-stress lifestyles. My parents live in a neighborhood like that–they got there via pensions, a frugal lifestyle and good investments, and my dad’s high-paying airline pilot job–and I would definitely never trade with them.
Rose says
In my experience, most people with big sums of cash inherit it. There are also a few people who have made a lot through working on Wall Street or starting their own business. I do think it’s a fallacy to think that everyone who lives in a big expensive house has to work 60 hours a week to pay for it.
CONNIE says
I keep thinking you could have chosen differently but it wouldn’t align with your values. You and Mr FG could have chosen high earning and 60-80 hr/wk careers and high debt for example- as many have. You have other values and you lives them. Much better !
Kristina says
Your feelings echo very much with what I feel when my husband and I go kayaking in our lovely waterfront. I feel so fortunate to live where we do and have access to water, plus owning our kayaks. At the same time, it is easy to feel discontent when I see our neighbors taking out their power boats or enjoying their life on water full-time. (Not that I even want the care of a larger boat!) The way I deal with discontent is to focus on the choices I do have, instead of those that I don’t have. Also, I remind myself why I chose the earlier steps in my life, which partly led to not having a higher paid career or similar. Generational wealth is another thing my family is missing, and instead of feeling discontent I try to appreciate the limitations my parents and grandparents had, and what they lived through and achieved.
However, the things that get me are those that money really CAN alleviate. For instance, money enables trips to visit family. Or when something goes wrong in life, it is easier to deal with emergencies when you can afford outside help, medical care, therapy etc.
Jem Horwood says
I so agree. My sister used to say that if a problem could be fixed with money, then it wasn’t a problem. But that depends on whether you have the money, obviously! It’s frustrating in the EXTREME to know that money could solve something when you don’t have it.
K D says
What do you remind yourself of when you feel discontent?
I was feeling discontent on Saturday. I am tired of Staying Home, especially since so many people are going out more but we are not. I also was upset that a close friend had not contacted me to tell me big news that she posted on Facebook and I was upset that an old friend of my daughter’s is pursuing the future we thought our daughter would pursue (but she has taken a different path through life). I was able to visit our daughter, she lives about five minutes away, and that helped. Then I spent time in the yard, dealing with a large pile of brush my husband left behind. The action of chopping up branches/trunks was therapeutic.
I know how you feel about others having more. We have a modest house that we have lived in for 25+ years. On the other hand it is paid for and we are empty nesters that don’t do a lot of entertaining. It is a house we can stay in when we’re older (already in our early 60s), if we move the laundry out of the basement.
I look at your family and envy your closeness to your extended family (all of ours live hundreds of miles away) and your kids. I don’t think your kids would have had a better life living in one of the “to die for” houses you saw. You have taught them how to survive in the real world.
Thank you for this timely post.
Ellie says
I think that with age comes perspective- give yourself another decade or so and these feelings of wanting more tend to subside.
I have what many would consider a nice life; I do have someone come in to clean every 2 weeks, we have someone do our landscaping, and I have never really had to work outside of the home once I had my children, who are all grown.
But I will tell you, I have 2 sons with a chronic illness (both have the same thing, genetic) and I would give everything I have in exchange for healthy children. So you are right, everyone has problems. You have youth, health, and a wonderful family. You have it all.
BJS says
Wonderful! Thank you for this!
Irena says
It is entirely normal to see something beautiful and think: Wow. Wish I had that.
Fortunately, you have not allowed that feeling to overshadow what you do have and this is an important lesson.
It is easy in a society of “more” to feel you have “less” and then, are “less than.”
But as you’ve noted, having wealth is no insurance against pain, suffering, loss, grief and many folks as we’ve seen in the news with wealth, also have massive issues, including very dysfunctional families.
I’ve known and worked for some very very rich folks. Overall, most were anything but happy and some had serious family and related issues. I wouldn’t trade places with them for a minute even if I got incredible creature comforts and never had to worry about money.
It’s not what you have, it’s what you make of your life. I have listened to a wealthy woman complain, nonstop, about how terrible her life was despite tons of perks, etc. And I have seen hard-working, minimal wage folks celebrate their lives and be there for others. So…it’s what you make of what you have.
One of the reasons I read your blog is because there is so much down-to-earth, common-sense in what you write and you always show a deep appreciation for the lives you and your family have created. You don’t have to be religious to appreciate your perspective on “I’m where I’m supposed to be”
That’s the reality of life and if we can learn from the times (like now) when it is less than fun or desirable, we can enjoy what we have and not waste time comparing ourselves to others.
Thanks for sharing this. This kind of honesty is rare and it allowed you to write a broader story about appreciating our lives. No one’s is perfect. That’s the fantasy many of us bring when viewing the rest of the world.
One of the greatest gifts we give ourselves is embracing who we are and accepting our lives as they are. And then, if we choose, working hard to create what we’d like to have.
If you look deep into how many people get or stay rich, you will see behavior that you would NEVER choose given your own strong life/moral values. The foundations of wealth in this country, in many cases, are based on basically living off the work of others and/or cheating others out of something that is rightfully theirs. (Yes, I’m talking about corporate america where businesspeople steal, literally, from their employees, etc. Companies steal from our governments as well with certain politicians willing to hand over money as has been done recently, with NO accountability.)
Bobi says
Your last paragraph is well stated.
Lauren Boyd says
Basically everything I was thinking. Thanks for writing it for me, Irena!
Jo Buchman says
I love your perspective. I also want to offer up that big boats are not near as much fun as kayaks. Trust me on this:) We had a 30 foot cabin cruiser for a few years – and it was so much work. If we had to move it out of the water it entailed a big truck and trailer. Honestly, it was scary to transport it. The gas was expensive, the insurance was expensive and although it was fun to spend time boating it also felt like so much work to keep it cleaned and maintained. I was relieved when we sold it. I did miss the water though, and I bought two inflatable kayaks for about $50 each. I can honestly say my daughter and I have had more fun with those two cheap kayaks than we did with the expensive boat! Since they are easy to transport we have gone kayaking in so many beautiful locations, but we also can just easily drop them in the little pond near our house to watch a sunset whenever we want. Sometimes simple is better!
Kristen says
That is a good point. Boats are definitely a money pit! And a lot of work.
Lisa of Lisa's Yarns says
I think it’s natural/human nature to play the comparison game. But like you’ve said in this post, we don’t know the full story. I see houses like that and all I can think about is the UPKEEP!! Ay yi yi! Dealing with a boat and a huge house and the lawn care and so on and so forth! So I think of the practical aspect of owning a house like that. Granted, I am very lucky to live in a beautiful house in an area of Minneapolis that we love. It’s not perfect but it’s great for us and I know there are people who would drive through our neighborhood and envy us. I especially think about this right now with all the racial inequality. It’s particularly bad here in Minneapolis. But at a moment of weakness, it is oh so easy to look at others and think – I want that. I more so struggled with that before I got married/had my son. I saw the relationships/families others had and I was sooo envious. But now that I’m (happily) on the other side of things, I can see that there were certainly pros to being single and carefree. I was happy as a single person, and I’m happy now as a wife/mom, but it’s really easy to see the grass as greener on the other side!
Mary in VA says
Lisa, I’m the same way about seeing a big, beautiful house, car, boat. How much does it cost in the long run, and who is responsible for maintaining it? We owned an RV for a few years (my husband’s “toy”), and I was so relieved when he decided to sell it. One less thing to clean!
Stephanie says
I am nearly 50 and I am pretty content. My forties have been THE BEST.
Kayaks are wonderful!
Rose says
I have a beautiful house that is on the Atlantic Ocean. Many, many people envy me for it and think I can’t have problems since I own it (it is worth millions of dollars and has been published in numerous magazines). And yes, I have landscapers and housecleaners. But most of the time, I live in the guest cottage and rent the main house out to make ends meet. I have many, many chronic illnesses, which mean I could never kayak, and my happy marriage came to an end when my husband had an affair. Don’t get me wrong, I have many wonderful things in my life, but I am too sick to kayak and I don’t have a husband. The landscapers and housecleaners I have to employ because I’m too ill to do much myself, which is immensely frustrating.
So from this beautiful house owner, your life looks pretty perfect to me! I hope that makes you feel better.
WilliamB says
Thank you for sharing a different “behind the scenes” view. I’m sorry for your troubles.
Kristen says
Oh wow, I had no idea you had such a fancy house! What a feeling that must be, seeing your home in a magazine. Although I suppose you probably get used to it if it happens a bunch of times.
I am so sorry for your difficulties, though. Sending you a gentle, long-distance hug, and sympathy.
Rose says
Thanks. I am trying to sell it and downsize to a house costing “only” 1.3 million, wbich is perfect for me and will give me a good cash cushion. (Everything is ridiculously priced here, but I love it.) Plus much less to maintain. But so far, no one’s biting. (Of course the virus has a lot to do with that.) We’ll see.
Rose says
Thanks. My house is on the market and I’m hoping to downsize to a smaller place (with no ocean view, which I will miss, but heck, that’s life for you) which is perfect for me, will give me a cash cushion and require much less upkeep. Unfortunately I can’t afford to buy the smaller place till my own house sells [insert lots of stuff about the covid here in New York etc, heh]. We shall see!
Re my house in a magazine: it’s like everything else (the first article I published, the first book I wrote): exciting the first time, pleasant later on, but not that thrilling.
Jenny says
Rose, would you like to post a link to your articles/books? Sounds like you might have some interesting perspectives…
Bee says
This is an interesting post, Kristen. Envy and want can be powerful emotions. Thank goodness these emotions are usually fleeting for me.
Because of many factors, I have been surrounded by wealth my entire life. HOWEVER, I have always had a normal income, lived in a normal size home, and have had a wonderfully ordinary life – no cleaners, no cooks, no big diamonds, or $10,000 handbags.
I learned early that money may satisfy our physical needs. It cannot protect from suffering, sadness, illness, learning disabilities, depression, divorce, anxiety, worry, loneliness and grief.
I agree that happiness and contentment come from the inside. When I am touch by want, I focus on what I have that no amount of money can buy and say a prayer of thanks – a husband that loves me and has for 30+ years, 3 beautiful children, and so much more. A 10,000 square foot house wouldn’t make my life any better. I am blessed.
Isa says
I’m not someone who’s easily discontent, but my husband is. I’m always trying to wrap my mind around this (no judgment!). Maybe because I had a “hard” life growing up, I’m more aware of all of the blessings I now have.
For example, when I see one of those big houses, I can admire the architecture of it, but I don’t envy the people living inside. Because I’m thinking that to be able to afford that kind of life you must be working a crazy amount of hours, probably at a high stress job, and I do not envy this one bit. I love my simple life, I love not having to work 60 hours/week to buy stuff and show-off my wealth. Of when I see an athletic/ thin women, I know she’s not “lucky” to look like that. It takes time, effort and dedication. So while I’m 80 pounds overweight, it’s all on me, and that thin person might have other problems that does not make her life perfect.
Enjoy your life, it’s goes by fast!!
Lisa says
When I feel like life is unfair (why don’t I have the lakeside home, why can’t I have a big house) I try to remember that I am to (bloom where I am planted) and that I am where I am supposed to be.
I am pretty blessed where I am and there is no need for a pity party or a what about me party. It’s okay to dream, but God has a plan and I need to be obedient to Him.
LoriB says
You live in a split foyer. So do I. We didn’t move here until our kids were almost grown when my mother moved in with us. It was good to give her a space downstairs so there was some degree of separation. I always felt like I was settling when we moved here. It was the best we could afford. All my friends had so much more. Thirteen years later we thought about downsizing but we love it here. Our yard is beautiful, we love the location, neighbors are special, we’ve had the privilege of doing a little remodeling. Now the extra space is a little apartment for our special needs daughter and we have room to fellowship with our friends and family. The Lord has been good in the times of little and in the times of plenty.
kristin @ going country says
Just yesterday my (7-year-old) son and I were talking about being successful and if people who are successful are happy. “Well,” he said, “WE’RE successful, and we’re happy.” I explained to him that when most people are talking about success, they are talking about financial success, and by that measure, we would probably not be really successful. He thought for a second. “How can ANYONE think we’re not SUCCESSFUL?!”
After that conversation, I kind of feel like a success as a parent if nothing else.
Irena says
Wow. Just wow. That your child has such a truly deep understanding of what real success is.
Kristen says
Aww, that is just so precious. What a wonderful attitude.
Tina says
Congratulations. That’s a big parenting win and I would say a huge success!
Carol says
Kristen,
You always have a good attitude about life and I think I can speak for many here that you have an outlook of gratitude and positivity that most would love to have. Your momentary lapse into discontent is okay because you are able to step back and self-reflect. Thank you for sharing. We all go there, but some of us wallow.
According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, once basics (food, shelter) are met and you move further up the pyramid to more personally defined needs (self-actualization), the curve of the graph begins to bend and “return on investment” begins to be less. I think this is because happiness is personal and less easily defined. Who knows what “self-actualization” really looks like? But I think this kind of explains the fact that people are still not content when they have reached higher levels of income and success.
As a Christian, I’ve been taught that we do not rest until we rest in Christ, which I have always interpreted to be spiritual rest or contentment. I seek not to be caught up in the search for momentary happiness but long term contentment. I think our society, even with all its varied claims of spirituality is actually falling short in providing people with the foundation of what will lead them to a happy or content life.
Much like frugality, contentment requires patience and keeping an eye on the “long game”.
Ok, there’s my two cents worth for the day.
Jody S. says
I completely agree. Well said.
Jem Horwood says
I think that there’s only so much fine-tuning of that self actualizing that’s really directional once you’ve reached a certain level. Then after that, it seems to me the way to become even happier and more joyous is to start helping others, to give back. That takes everything to a whole new level!
Gail says
Your photos are so beautiful!
I disliked our house–the one my kids (your age, Kristen) grew up in–but knew it was right for the family in general. When the kids left we moved a couple of times. Now we are near them in a different state and in a condominium that I do like more. I would like to be in a smaller one, but there is not that choice. For some practical reasons–sturdiness in hurricanes, elevation for flooding, etc.–this is the sanest and safest. When I am not content about it, I clean, rearrange, or do something to make a part of it something better. I am thankful it is safe and has space for the kids to come over and play, etc. So although I prefer single family small homes, this makes sense, and I do try to be happy about it. I have a great deal, esp. my husband and kids, grandkids, no fear of poverty, a large and upscale (if not cozy) apt. and so much more. I guess I do what you do–think of how fortunate I am and shame myself into stopping complaining of, of all things, too much space to live in and clean and lack of coziness. I am working on it.
Faith says
Thanks for the biblical perspective and for opening up your real life struggle. Your realness is appreciated! Job has become one of my favorite books as I get older and want to know more of the whys of things happening in my life. I’ve read several commentaries on it recently and it has helped put my perspective back on not the why of the situation, but the who is in control.
Suzan says
I have always battled depression and ill health. I need to lose weight and although I know how to do it intellectually I can never manage that. Most of all I wish I could hear properly in both ears. One ear doesn’t hear until 120 to 130dB (a plane taking off). Thank you mumps and one reason to vaccinate. I would love to sing harmony and feel the joy. Now having whined time for the answer to the question.
I did buy hearing aids and that was a major fail. But I can still hear. I can sing in tune. I enjoy my music. I am blessed with a beautiful granddaughter who fills my heart with so much joy. When I feel truly down I remember her and her development and it does help. I also remind myself that I live in a free country and have so much more than many others do.
Judy says
Kristen,
I don’t have house envy, but since we live in the high desert, I totally envy
your body of water so close that you can just go kayaking. Plus your photography
is beautiful. I can only dream about a beautiful sunset on a lake or ocean right
now!
Sounds like your being in nature, on the water, combined with your strong faith
helped you work through you feelings of discontent. Good for you!