How to be more content: Stop looking up.
This idea of not looking up has been percolating around in my mind since I heard Sheryl Crow's Soak Up The Sun song years ago. Now, normally pop songs are not a good place to draw from when you're looking for simple, contented living ideas, but this one's kind of an exception.
My favorite line in the song is the one that goes, "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got."
Love, love, love that.
(it's sort of the idea I was talking about last week...looking for the good helps you to want what you've already got.)
But another line is the one that inspired this post title..."Every time I feel lame, I'm looking up."
I know that's not high English or anything, but isn't it so true?
So much of the time our discontent is caused by looking up at things/people/jobs/relationships that are better (or at least we perceive them to be better) than the ones we have.
Marketing departments of every major company knows this to be true. If they can make us look up and see something that is better than what we have, we'll feel like what we have is lame and will thus feel the need to upgrade (hello, overspending!).
It would be one thing if the marketing stopped after we did one upgrade, but it never does. 2.0 is cool and all, but only until 3.0 comes out.
And 3.0 is so last week once 4.0 comes out.
(even classic games are not immune to this...there's now a battery-operated Uno game, and a new version of Twister).
If you keep looking up, you'll likely keep buying and buying and buying, and you'll be quite unlikely to ever be satisfied. After all, that's the marketer's goal...to keep you consistently dissatisfied/consistently buying).
Of course, this looking up problem is not relegated to the shopping arena alone.
If you're always looking up at husbands/wives/children/moms/dads/friends who appear to be more wonderful than your own, you'll probably be discontent (and you might cycle through an awful lot of relationships as you look for an upgrade).
If you're always looking up at houses that appear to be more wonderful/spacious/not-split-foyer-y (I'm looking at me here!) than your own, you'll probably be discontent.
If you're always looking up at weather/climates/neighborhoods that appear to be more wonderful than your own, you'll probably be discontent.
You get the idea.
So, what can do you about this? Simply thinking, "I'm going to stop wanting stuff that's nicer than mine!" sounds lovely, but I need more practical help than that. Here are a few suggestions that help me, and maybe they'll help you too (interestingly enough, they all start with R's).
1. Redirect your thoughts. Instead of looking up at what you want, look for the good in what you've got.
I wrote a whole post about that last week, so I won't belabor the point.
I will say that this takes deliberate thinking. If you just let your thoughts run around, dragging you behind them, you'll probably end up looking up at what you want.
When your thoughts go that route, you have to rein them in.
Be the boss of your thoughts! When they start running off in the wrong direction, purposely steer them back to looking for the good in what you've got.
2. Reduce your exposure to advertising.
As I mentioned above, advertisers desperately want you to look up to see products, products, and products that can fill holes in your life.
We all think we're immune to those silly advertisements, but we're obviously not (marketing departments would stop doing what they're doing if it wasn't working!).
Children aren't any more immune to marketing than we adults are (and probably are less immune), so we'll do our whole family a service if we reduce advertising exposure.
How?
One big way is to cut back on TV watching (I have more to say on that topic, but it's another post for another day).
Another is to get off catalog mailing lists.
Listening Spotify instead of the radio will also reduce ad consumption.
Most magazines are also filled with ads (sometimes I think they're more ad than content!), so cutting back on those will help.
3. Remember that everything has upsides and downsides.
That husband or wife who seems so perfect has flaws, I promise (you just might not see them).
That house that's so much bigger than yours comes with more cleaning duties and higher utility bills.
That car that's 10 years newer than yours will need more expensive insurance.
That job that pays so much more than yours might come with a long commute or long hours.
That washing machine that's way newer than yours probably has an expensive motherboard that will fail.
Of course, some things/relationships are bound to be better than your own, but none of them are perfect, and often they're not quite all they're cracked up to be.
So, to be more content I try to
1) look for the good
2)stop looking up.
and next week I'll share the 3rd way that I fight against discontent.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic, so comment away. 🙂
P.S. As a disclaimer, I should mention that I think it's ok to look up sometimes and it's ok to upgrade sometimes. Some relationships do need to be cut off and replaced, some houses do need to be sold and replaced and so on. I'm just saying that if we want to be content, we shouldn't let ourselves consistently think about stuff that's better than what we've got.
All so very true. I live in a small town, so when we first moved here I got on lots of catalog lists because our shopping options were so limited. But then I realized that I didn't get the catalogs, I wouldn't get the disappointment that came along with them - here's a bunch of stuff, and you can't afford any of it. Like you, there are things about my life I'd like to change(mostly health-related, which means I just can't change them), but I just need to find the happy where I am - wonderful husband, good kids, a house that's safe and that we can afford, and friends who will (and have) show up in the middle of the night when I need them. It's good. Not "someday it will be better," not "when this happens I'll be happy" - it's good now, today.
Thanks so much for these posts! I know we gets lots of catalogs because of things we have ordered before ... most of the time they go straight into the recycling bin (don't even make it into the house). Next time I should look and get the information to get off of the mailing lists. There are definitely things I would change about my house if I could (like you, I wish for a more open floor plan) but am not unhappy with where we are living. I know we won't live there forever but it's great for our family right now. There are things I look forward to, but I definitely think we need to live in the moment (not the past and not the future). There are great things through all seasons of life. Since you brought up songs ... another good one that reflects contentment in your current circumstances instead of always looking to the future is Trace Atkins "You're Gonna Miss This".
There are a number of ways to get off lists and stay off lists. No single one is perfect but the cumulative effect is pretty good.
1. Go to the Direct Marketing Association (the cataloger's industry group) website and get on their 'do not solicit' list.
2. When you buy something via catalog, specify that you do want to be on the PERMANENT 'do not solicit' list. This means that if the company gets your name from somewhere else, it still won't send you a catalog. In theory at least.
3. If you have a magazine or newspaper subscription, tell the organization not to sell or rent your information.
4. If you are affiliated with any organizations - alumni, professional, hobby, etc - tell them the same thing.
5. When you get notices of privacy from banks, credit cards, and such, choose the most restrictive option.
6. When you move, do NOT use a USPS change of address form. I can't emphasize this enough! The information on change of address forms is public and mined by every catalog company in the Western world. Instead, tell companies *you* want to hear from your new address. You can call the company, use their website, or send postcards. If you can start a 2-3 months before you move, you can notify companies as you get mailings from them, and not notify companies you want to leave behind.
It takes some persistence but after about 6 months you'll have almost no catalogs. It was time well spent for me.
Kudos for this reminder...you are keeping me grounded to my simple life. I often look up in regard to fashion....however, just yesterday I decided to reduce my wardrobe to pieces I really like that fit well and to heck with all the rest. It's so easy to get sucked into the trends of the season.
I agree, if you don't love what you have, one day it'll be gone and you'll be sad that you didn't appreciate it while it was here. Also, as far as advertising goes, if a parent has to have cartoons for their child, NickJr doesn't show advertisements. Or better yet, hulu or netflix has seasons of shows for children, like Veggie Tales, etc.
I learned a long time ago that everyone has problems, some are just better at hiding them than others. And if you live your life with respect and with honesty, your quality of life improves greatly.
It isn't sexy or fun to sell, but I believe in:
use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without
A great piece of advice I received years ago (can't remember who I got it from) was that something or somebody wasn't "better" than what you had or who you were, it or they were just "different." Reminding myself of that has saved me a lot of heartache over the years, and helped me to be more content with what I have and who I am. That doesn't mean I can't improve, but that I do it for me and not to somebody else's standard or to impress someone else. But usually what you have, how you do things, and who you are is just fine (and there's always someone who thinks what you have, who you are, and how you do things, is "better").
Too funny! I have a variation of the first quote you mentioned as the footer of all my e-mails:
"Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have."
- Rabbi Hyman Schachtel
Love it!
Ah, maybe that's where the song lyric came from!
I will also add-- The more/better/newer stuff you have the harder it is to let it go. You get used to a certain standard of living, and maintaining that standard can become stressful. Downsizing is not an option... you must keep your "loot" at all costs, even if that means crazy debt.
You mentioned the stress of maintaining and repairing expensive items, but there's also the stress of protecting your stuff from harm... I know people who park their cars in the middle of nowhere so that the doors won't get dinged. And everyone knows people who have nice pieces of furniture (or whole living rooms) that kids can't touch for fear of damaging it. The fear makes possessing items of high value most impractical.
I think the more/better/newer stuff you have, the more difficult it is to remember that people and relationships are worth more than the stuff. 🙂
I completely agree with you. I've seen it so many times and it always bewilders me. Why have "stuff" if you can't even use it for fear of damage?? No couch or car will ever be more important than my family or friends.
I remember early in my marriage my hubby and I were camping in our old beat up trailer when our dog jumped through the screen door. We looked at each other and cracked up laughing. I cherish that memory...much more so than an old screen door. 😉
Ooh, I wrote about that...how second-hand items help me be more gracious with my kids.
Our family just moved to a new town and I have noticed how everybody want's to have newer and better stuff. At the soccer field there was always someone showing off something new..Ipad, camera bag, kid's clothing etc. We went shopping looking for kids boots and saw these new POD ones, another customer got all excited when we picked them up saying that "all the kids around here where them". Thank goodness my daughter didn't like them!
I found out after moving that the school has the highest socio economical rating in the area, there are very few cultural differences (rural white) and that there are constantly asking for money. Most of the activities at lunch time are taught by outside proffessionals (guitar, choir, art). We have a limited budget and didn't anticipate these differences before we moved. I will have to keep harping uniqueness, contentment, budgetting, and respect for the environment (second hand clothing).
I feel like you just crawled into my head! I love that song, and those exact same lines are my faves. This is such a fabulous topic, thank you so much for posting it!
I could not agree more with you, but I often feel like the odd man out for making conscientious changes in life that align with these convictions.
Husband and I drive second hand vehicles until they wear out. His is a 30 year old Toyota truck that he does all the maintenance on, and it runs like a champ. He gets teased about it constantly and we get the `stink eye' from people driving new, expensive vehicles.
I telecommute for work, and hubby travels for his. This means we have more options for home location. After careful consideration, we left the city and moved to a smaller rural town that is 1 hr away, downsizing from 1700 sq feet to 900. We we now have the 4 acres we wanted tp start our small hobby farm. The property taxes are 1/3rd less, and the utilities are 60% less than in the city. We heat with just a woodstove. I use a clothesline in summer. And you would not believe the grief some people have given us for these changes, as if we are now luddites.
Our conviction to second hand purchases again renders us the butt of many a joke. I say "fine, go ahead and laugh". But we're not slaves to consumerism, we don't spend hours sacrificing our finite time on earth for material goods and clutter, we don't come home from work frazzled from long commutes. Plus we save 22% of our income for retirement, have no debt outside of mortgage, and our home in the city is now a cash flow positive rental.
These changes and our lifestyle does not make us superior to anyone else. But I think we are contentedly soaking up that sun more than some others!
Great post, I think this is a journey. I have been on and off it over twenty years... as you say it seems marketing, advertising, and society in general in North America is working agaist this lifestyle. I agree with all you thoughts, a try to live a minimilistic lifestyle, to have time..............to have gratitude and give thanks for what I do have. To do this I filter out where, and who I spend time with. I have had to really seek for things that "fill me up" For me it is nature, exercise, meditation. One wise person said to be once, the only things you really own are your character and your education. Love love love that, keeps me humble. Blessings Janet
I've been lurking for a few weeks now, but this post has pushed me to comment. I never realized how powerful marketing was until I stopped watching TV and listening to the radio (except NPR during my morning commute). Six or so months after I gave up TV/radio I was traveling for work and stayed in a hotel and suddenly became enamored with the Scotch (R) Pop-Up Tape Handband. I had to have it, though I had absolutely no need for it. It wasn't until I returned home, went to Target and had the actual item in my hand that I realized what had happened. Marketing is powerful, but you can fight it.
Yay! I love it when people de-lurk!
And yes, marketing is more powerful than we like to think (and realizing its power is part of resisting it!).
thank you thank you thank you. a voice of reason on the internet. and i love that song for the exact same lyrics.
for a long time i compared my relationship/engagement/marriage to my sister's, because she's a great role model for me. but one day she rocked my world by telling me about some of the realities of her relationship -- the biggest being that she made a commitment to choose to love her husband every day for the rest of her life, even if she didn't like him at that moment. talk about leveling out the looking up! i thought they had it all, and it turns out they are just as flawed, just as human. turns out that sometimes when you're looking up, you're really just not seeing that others are level with you. i mean, you can think that people in a bigger house have more happiness, but what if they're concealing huge debt and unhappiness? i'd rather live in our 900 sqr.ft. rental if it means misery to move.
so thank you, kristen, for being willing to say things that are so uncool, un-mainstream, unconventional. you're a blessing for that reason.
comment on appliances that promise to 'do it all':
the more you ask it to do, the more possible it is that the 'thing' will fail on the task we bought it for. Although I have friends who have the coffeemaker that grinds and brews, I'll never buy into that story. My cheapie has a programmable timer that I rarely use. I can set it all up the night before and walk to the kitchen in the morning to turn it on.
And be happy that I can walk.
Something I've started doing is keeping a gratitude journal. At the end of each day, I write five things that I'm grateful for. No matter how horrible the day was, there are always a good many things that I can fall back on, and there are often new and wonderful things I can add to the list. I was inspired to do this by the book Simple Abundance, a gift from my mom. It also helps me think about changes I can make in my life to keep increasing my positive outlook!
It's been hard to keep myself and the husband out of the Sunday newspaper ads, but we try not to look unless there is something specific we are watching for.
Ooh, that is a good one that I didn't mention! The Sunday ads can be super tempting.
It's funny, but I was thinking just the other day of all the advertisements that are totally wasted on me. No, I don't think those special shoes will make my butt instantly revert back to its 18 year old self, my husband won't love me more if I use this ultra pricey shampoo, nor will I magically sit atop a mountain with a wonderful view if I have a special brand of granola bar in my pocket. I sit and laugh thinking of all the gullible folks who do fall for all that. You won't catch me looking up unless it's at a beautiful sunset, a starlit sky or the leaves on a tree! I'm just funny that way.
It's funny, but I was thinking just the other day of all the advertisements that are totally wasted on me. No, I don't think those special shoes will make my butt instantly revert back to its 18 year old self, my husband won't love me more if I use this ultra pricey shampoo, nor will I magically sit atop a mountain with a wonderful view if I have a special brand of granola bar in my pocket. I sit and laugh thinking of all the gullible folks who do fall for all that. You won't catch me looking up unless it's at a beautiful sunset, a starlit sky or the leaves on a tree! I'm just funny that way.
I've read some great comments. I think you finally accept that the best things in life are actually free. We struggled for years until my son was married and we still have to budget everyday. But the most important things in my life now are the things that money can't buy, my family and our health. We live in a thirty year old home with two older cars and we have managed to pay for all of that now. Frugal living has been our way of life since we married simply because we had no other choice, but I don't think I would want it any other way.
Thanks, Kristen, for this series on "Being Content"!! I really think you're on to something with this subject - have you ever thought of writing a book?? 🙂
I am a long-time reader (and lurker - yup, another one comes out of the woodwork!) and just wanted to say that I really appreciate your blog, especially your views on contentment, homeschooling, and frugal living.
I am a single mom and I am blessed in that I am able to stay at home with my 7yr old son. We've been homeschooling since Spring and he's currently in 2nd grade. Your posts have consistently encouraged and inspired me. While I may not hold the same religious views as your family, I've always felt warmed by your beliefs, never turned off by them. I feel that we share a lot of the same values and ideals; it's refreshing to read thoughts that resist the massive onslaught of consumerism so persistent in our culture.
I really enjoy your welcoming, positive, and loving attitude; it shines through in every one of your posts. And for that (and so much more) I wanted to say, "Thank You!"
Whee! That's two de-lurkers on one post. 😉
A book is probably more than I want to take on, but I am seriously considering doing an e-book or two. And I'm considering polling all of you as I decide what topic to tackle. 🙂
I read something interesting about depression - #2. Reduce your exposure to advertising made me think of it - it said to think about your tv watching and magazine reading and ask yourself if you have been doing more of either or both lately. The advertising makes people feel dissatisfied with what they have and wanting more of what they don't have. At the time, it really struck a nerve with me because I knew I had been doing more of both.
Another point I would like to make is that when we "look up" to God for our Salvation, peace, joy, self worth, value and self esteem we will always find contentment.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic! It' a great reminder.
I've been thinking much about time and how quickly it goes by. If people realized how much of their life (time) had been used to buy time saving devices - lol - I think it would be eye opening. I would rather spend my days with my six growing children, then take that same amount of time to work to get money, to buy things I don't need. I guess it just really depends on where your true value is placed.
Another great post Kristen! Maybe we need to be more like children. At Christmas time when they unwrap their gifts, they set the gift aside and play with the box (at least my kids do). We should just be happy we have a "box".
Love that song! It's on my "Happy" playlist.
I am generally content but every now and then I'll feel discontent over stuff. Like recently I decided I needed a new nightstand. The one I had was very old (belonged to my parents when I was a kid) and since newer beds are much higher, it was actually about 8 inches lower than my bed. The two drawers it had in it were stuffed full of junk that I never looked at and I would pile stacks of books on top of it.
So I went to Target and bought a $15 bookshelf. It's the perfect height to put my alarm and ipod dock at eye level, I can put my books on the shelves and since there's no drawers, I can't hide crap in it. But then I started thinking, at our age, we really should have nice-looking furniture sets. Which is unusual for me because I'm generally more concerned about how something functions than how it looks.
I do have this on my wall to remind me not to get wrapped up in material crap...
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4103/5081460309_205fc461a2_z.jpg
It's easier to battle discontent when you consider the costs involved with the upgrade. A nicer car may be a more obvious theft target. More money may mean that a parent is home less. A nice gadget may mean more frustration when I inevitably break it. A higher profile life may mean more enemies. A step up in anything always comes with liability, and sometimes it's just not worth the hidden price.
I call this "The Grass is *Not* Greener Over There."
When I buy something I try to buy the right thing, the thing that best fits my needs. Maybe it's the newest spiffiest item, maybe it's three generations old. It helps that I'm anti-attracted to the newest electronics because I don't want to spend money on unproven technology. Let someone else pay 3 times as much for the privilege of working out the bugs.
Maybe it's just a matter of semantics to others but K's choice of the word "up" doesn't work for me. I infer that "up" means what I'm foregoing is better than what I have, and that's rarely how I feel. Side note: my first thought was "Surely Kristen isn't telling us to look away from God?!" since most religions put god/heavens above us. A thought that doesn't hold up under examination since Kristen doesn't tell us to do anything vis-a-vis God.
Yes! I couldn't agree with #2 more. I stopped watching TV a couple of years ago and was astonished when I *did* flip it on, how discontent I became. And it wasn't just the advertisements, even the plot of my favorite show, Gilmore Girls, made me feel "lame" about my life!
So when I got married, we decided to forgo a TV altogether! I blogged a little bit about our decision: http://lifeblessons.blogspot.com/2010/01/why-we-dont-own-television.html
This is an AWESOME post! Normally, I wouldn't have anything to add. I want to point out that studies done on divorcing couples suggest that they cannot remember any good memories about the other party. There is actual research suggesting divorcing couples forget the good times and concentrate on the bad times. It's only my guess, but it makes me think that if you spend time intentionally concentrating on the good points of your spouse, you just might divorce proof your marriage. I can give the personal testimony that it has made our marriage much happier.
Seems like being discontent with what you have and always wanting an upgrade can also stop you from improving what you have. If you're shopping for a new relationship, why bother putting any effort into noticing what's good about the one you have and trying some things to make it better? If you're oogling house magazines and going on home tours and feeling discontent with the housing you have, it might be better to put that time (and maybe even some money) into making the house you have function better for you. I think part of being content with what you have comes from a realistic look at where you are--enjoy what is good, and identify some things you could work on to make it better.
I have to remind myself of this whenever I am wishing we had a house instead of our condo. The fact is, I have difficulty maintaining our small home as it is. Having more floors to wash and more rooms to keep clean would be difficult with my busy schedule of work, extra curriculars and my own hobbies and friendships. Imagine if I had to do yard work on top of all that! Also, being five minutes from work, school and everything else is also a blessing. My perfect house would be twenty minutes from town at least, which would mean less sleep in time in the morning. I remind myself of these things whenever I feel like we "should" have a house by now.
I used to be jealous of my sister-in-law's pretty new home. Then I reminded myself, that if we were to get a home like that, I would have to go to work to help pay for it, and I wouldn't have the time to be home to enjoy that pretty new house. That put things into perspective for me real fast. Good series of posts.
Oh, love that song. Love Sheryl Crow!
This entire post is right on. I think it's also fair to say that many people who appear to "have it all" are discontent as well...they wish they didn't have payments, upkeep, etc...they wish they could simplify.
I love it! One of my favorite posts from you of all time 🙂
I've really been interested in your contentment series. I am a very happy person... usually, but lately I have been unhappy, and I've been working on ways to change that.
Here's my latest thoughts on finding happiness:
http://awhimsicalwonderland.blogspot.com/2010/10/finding-happiness.html
Thanks for the continuing source of inspiration!
Not only is this fabulous advice for us, but in doing these things we are also giving our children a fabulous gift, the art of contentment.
This is so good and very true, I was into a depression and (envy) stage awhile back over my husband's sister and her husband, they're into worse debt than we are, and she's got a fully furnished house, new washer/dryer, just leased a bran new car, and he was out of a job for a year, and then got a job and ate out for lunch almost every day. Enough said, but I'll say this, we are all Christians and I would get so angry that Im being so convicted from the Lord to not even by paper towel ( but she's got to have a certain kind) or I'd give up buying even coffee and creamer just to save that extra $10. I was acting like Peter saying "Lord what about her" But I'm slowly getting beyond it, and knowing that I'd rather have that close of a relationship with God convicting me on what's important than to make sure I had a new purse cuz I can't stand the one I have (but it will work for now). I'm thankful to have these reminders and pray for me to keep my mind in control and to focus on the important things.
-Rachel
I am a regular reader, and just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated this post. I know it is from a while ago, but I discovered it recently while looking for something else on your blog. I linked back to it in my most recent blog post here, and wanted to let you know I had done so:
http://chasingmaybes.wordpress.com/
Thanks for your helpful, thoughtful writing,
Anne
Sheryl Crow her music will always bring me back to unforgettable last summer, Soak Up The Sun always liked this song http://lyricsmusic.name/sheryl-crow-lyrics/the-very-best-of-sheryl-crow/soak-up-the-sun.html