(in case you’re just getting here, you may want to check out the previous posts in this series: Look for the good, and Stop looking up.)
Last week, we talked about how looking up at things that appear to be better, nicer, newer, handier and just flat-out superior to yours is a sure way to sabotage your contentment efforts.
I offered some alternatives to this looking up habit we have, but this week, I want to focus on one very powerful alternative.
Instead of looking up at those who have (or appear to have) more, try thinking about those who have less.
If you’re like me, you haven’t seen much true poverty. Most of you who read this blog live in a culture somewhat similar to my own where food, shelter, clothing, and clean water are a given. In fact, they’re so much a given, we tend to take them for granted. And that means that instead of being thankful for those necessities, we pine away after new clothes, larger homes, fancier food, newer vehicles, and all manner of unnecessary items.
When I am tempted to pine away for stuff that’s nicer than mine, directing my thoughts towards those who are less fortunate is so helpful to me. Here’s an example of how it’s worked in my life.
When Mr. FG and I were newly married, we lived in a little one-bedroom basement apartment and our income was somewhere around $300-$400 a week. We had access to the upstairs washer and dryer once a week (that wasn’t easy once we had a baby!), and we had an old, avocado green stove. Our living room was furnished with hand-me-down couches and chairs. By American standards, this was not exactly the high life, and it would have been easy to be discontent. But really, it’s those American standards that are the problem. A Haitian woman would probably have thought she’d died and gone to heaven if she lived in that apartment with that income. After all, the apartment was heated and cooled, it had running water, it had consistent electricity, it had a fridge, and it was located in a safe area. And though that income level wasn’t extravagant, we always had clothes to wear and food to eat.
Seeing my life through the eyes of a Haitian changes everything.
(it’s worth noting that looking for the good was extremely helpful to me when I lived in the apartment. That apartment was affordable, which meant that Mr. FG and I could afford to get married, and that was a huge bonus! Also, our apartment had a fairly open floor plan and quite a few closets. The bathroom was the biggest we’ve ever had, and the apartment was located near my parents’ house and near Mr. FG’s work. Plus, our landlords let me teach piano lessons in that apartment, which helped our financial situation tremendously.)
Look Global
If you’re struggling with discontent, I highly recommend acquainting (or reacquainting) yourself with the situations of people groups around the world. Read about people who don’t have clean water and the diseases that come from a lack of clean water. You’ll probably stop hankering after bottled water and sweet drinks and will instead be thrilled to pieces about your clean tap water.
Learn how Haitians who can’t afford rice have to make mud cookies to feed themselves, and suddenly your leftovers or your beans and rice won’t seem so bad.
And if you, like me, have struggled to find contentment when it comes to your home, check out this one from Haiti, which housed 10 people (the door is not even 5 feet tall).
(from Building Homes for Haiti)
I’m pretty sure those 10 people would think my split-foyer is a mansion 
And they’d probably think it’s way too big for only 6 people!
Look Back
Looking at extreme examples of poverty from around the globe is really helpful to me, but I also have often found comfort in looking back in history. When I feel unhappy about my house (the style, the size, the floor plan), I think about what homes were like in America not so very long ago.
I think about Laura Ingalls Wilder’s homes through the years, some of which were exceedingly small. Yet, it seems like her family managed to be content and happy and I find great encouragement in that. If they could be happy in a makeshift lean-to on the prairie, I can definitely be happy with my house.
I don’t even have to go back that far in history to find perspective, though. My neighborhood is filled with small ranch-style homes from the 50’s and 60’s (the split-foyers were a 70’s addition!), and when I think about the fact that families with multiple children happily managed in these homes, the size of mine seems more than sufficient.
I’ve mostly talked about houses in this post, but the principle here is widely applicable.
Bummed that you don’t have an iPhone? Remind yourself that people survived (and some still do) with no phones, or with nothing but corded home phones for years on end.
Blue about not being able to afford a nice MP3 player? Remember that people in poor countries hardly ever get to listen to music like we do, or that back in the day, you had to pay to go to a concert to hear good music (I think about this often as orchestras, Michael Buble, and Sovereign Grace fill our living room).
Unhappy with your wardrobe? Do like I do, and think about people in Kenya who own 1-2 pieces of clothing, or remind yourself that women used to get by with just a handful of dresses. If they could do it, we can too!
Hate your job? Consider how many people in America would love to be working right now, and your perspective will change (in my case, I think about how many moms would love to work from home like I do, and gratefulness soon follows).
Practice, practice, practice
This is the last post in our contentment series, and I hope the ideas I’ve shared will be as helpful to you as they’ve been to me. Before I hit publish on this post and conclude the series, I just want to encourage you to practice contentment. I’ve talked about how a journey to contentment needs to be intentional, and I’d also add that it needs to be ongoing.
Our default mode is usually discontent, and our hearts and attitudes need constant adjusting…you can’t apply these principles for a week and expect contentedness to pervade your life. Discontent will quickly take over if you let it, so practice looking for the good, looking at those who have less, and avoiding the temptation to look up.
The more you practice, the more this stuff will become second nature. Maybe one day down the road, discontent will pop up, and you’ll start looking for the good without even thinking about it!
Your Thoughts?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this idea of looking at those with less, or just on the whole topic of contentment. Comment away!
Susan says
I’ve watched extremely wealthy people live their lives on reality tv and now realise that they are not that different from your average person. They may have extravagance but it doesn’t make them any happier really. In fact I get the impression that they have more problems, than me anyway. I have been working hard at eliminating the clutter I have in my home due to unnecessary spending on items that are not needed. I feel ashamed and regretful about that and have decided that I will think carefully about any purchases in the future. Can I do without this? Will this add to the clutter I’m trying to be rid of?
Susan says
One of the thoughts that helps me is that this life will end one day but I will have another life that will be for all eternity. So what if I live in a humble home with a less than average income now, when one day I will live in the ‘mansion with many rooms’ and have in abundance. This life is temporary.
Peggy says
Thank you for this wonderful eye-opening segment. Joblessness has prompted me to become frugal in our day to day habits. Today I was feeling a little shabby and sorry for myself and was sorely tempted to go my favourite online shop for “just one or two autumn/winter tops because I really need them.” Luckily, before I went shopping I sought some “perspective” online and came up with your contentment series. Now, not only do I not feel the need to shop for more clothes to add to an already full closet, but I feel absolutely blessed, and, yes, content. Yours is a message I will keep coming back to again and again. Thank you so very much!
Lindsay says
Thank you for this series. I am such a drama queen and sometimes I forget how beautiful it is just to appreciate the things you have. I am good at noticing the beautiful in the outside world (blue sky- such a novelty in the UK) but less skilled about seeing it in my own life. I think I will come back to these thoughts time and again when I can feel myself focusing on the wrong things.
Kathleen says
I have been reading your blog for a month or so and have enjoyed it so much. I have especially enjoyed the contentment series. As a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom of two, I can relate to many of your blogs. I believe your articles about contentment are so very important and I’m using the “think of 3 things to be grateful for” with my own daughter. I read a book “When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough” by Rabbi Harold Kushner, years ago. It was recommended by my pastors’ wife when I was going through a serious time of discontent. It made a huge difference in my perspective. Hope you check it out.
Heather says
I know this is an older posting but I just found your blog and I am in love. I guess better late than never huh? Anywho— I spent 7 years in the military and I have been around the world twice. I am always grateful for what I have but it really hit home when I had the chance to visit Guam for a few days. The fishing shanties that whole families lived in just about floored me. And I was able to spend some time with some of them and they were all MORE than hospitable and giving and smiled all the time. We are in the process of buying a house right now and the realtors are astounded that Yes, we only want 2 bedrooms…just a small cottage…even something fixable is fine by me. .We are moving home and didn’t even fill half the rental van this time and I like it like that. Simple, minimal, happy…FAMILY!!! That is what matters to me. I do have a few naysayers but as time goes on, they seem to dissapear, or I just seem to ignore them. : )
Meredith says
I just want to say thank you. I have struggled in the past few years with what I thought was on-again and off-again depression. I am now realizing that I simply don’t know how to be content. I have all these ideas of perfection in my head for where I should be or what I should have. My husband worries that I’ll never be happy no matter what we do, where we live, or what we have. He tries so hard to make sure I’m happy. I feel bad that I constantly look forward to things and hope and hope and then am let down when they weren’t quite what I thought. This series is helping me to quit the chase and start enjoying my good fortune. I sincerely appreciate your series and your blog. Amazing. Thank you.
Lilypad says
When I was 11, my family went on a cruise through the Caribbean, the Panama Canal, and up the coast of Mexico to L.A. The part that left the biggest impression on me was seeing how other people lived—the shanties clinging to the mountains outside Caracas, Venezuela, contrasted with the huge, walled and gated homes of the rich just a few miles away in the city proper; the ostentatious luxury beach resorts of Acapulco compared with the tenements of the poor workers. And all of this was in huge contrast to my own modest American home, which until that point I had considered not good enough, not fancy enough, not as nice as my friends who were “lucky” enough to live in the nearby gated golf community. It was so good for me to see all of this at a young age. Suddenly, the fact that I was floating around in comfort while others were struggling for survival was no longer lost on me. (My parents worked in the travel industry and until then, I thought going on a cruise was normal.) If you ever have the opportunity to let your kids see how most of the world lives, do it. They’ll never forget how lucky they are after that.
Virginia says
Kristen, I took a look at the article you linked to about Haitians eating mud “cookies,” although I couldn’t view the video b/c I’m at work. I scanned the comments and found them horrifying. They included many harsh derisions of the Haitian people (one suggested that they deserve to suffer if they can devise a way to make cookies from dirt but not something saleable) to preposterous suggestions (that dirt cookies are a good solution to hunger–IF they are made with natural butter and organic sugar). MOST of the 84 comments were of this or a similar tone. The reason I bring it up is that, fortunately, people who have not been truly impoverished cannot possibly fathom what it is like. Actual, real hopelessness is not something we are faced with very often, but millions of people live with it every day. Wanting and hopelessness are not the same thing–we can gain a lot of contentment if we don’t treat them as such. Thank you for your great blog.
Rebecca says
Thank you so much for these posts; I really needed a kick in the butt lately! I live with a very materialistic husband and I am the very opposite kind of person. I have been trying to live a content life, but he has been rubbing off on me lately and had me feeling as though I needed more and more. This series has reminded me why I choose to be frugal and love working part time, even though it means less “stuff.” Whatever state I am in I need to learn to be content…right!!
Charlotte says
Great post. I also have a recommendation for those who need reminders: get yourself the book “Material World” by Peter Menzel (see http://www.menzelphoto.com/books/mw.html) We’ve been reading this with our kids since they were tiny… it’s a great book for them to learn on how little people in other parts of the world live. (The book is a bit dated by now; he has done some other books in the same spirit.)
Lilypad says
Charlotte, I was going to recommend the same book! It’s excellent, and I’ve read it with my 9 year old son. There’s also a book he did about food, and that made a huge impression on my son. He couldn’t believe how much food (and what crappy processed food it was!) the American families had versus the African and Nepalese families had, for example.
Kelly says
Thank you for your contentment series, all three posts have been excellent to read. I just did that globalrichlist and found that I am in the top 1.5% of wealth in the world. That seems hard to believe because I don’t ‘feel’ wealthy driving a 14 year-old car (but it’s paid for and runs well) and I live in a house built in 1921 that needs updating…but it’s warm and dry and that’s what matters. My husband who likes to hunt and fish and camp always says that if you have warm shelter and clothes and food and water, everything else is just extra…camping kind of gets you back to the basics about that. I do like to give to help people around the world and we sponsor three children through Compassion International, as well as give to missions for India and Asia. But I think we could do more. When I realize my dogs live better than much of the world, it is startling..and I do think the good Lord will hold us accountable someday when He asks us what we did with what He gave us…..
Tara says
Thanks for the series and this post in particular. I found your blog looking for a yogurt recipe, and stuck around because my family’s financial situation has changed a lot in the past year and is still getting tougher; I need to be more frugal to get by. With every financial hit, it gets harder to stay positive, and having all-day “morning sickness” for 4 months and counting, with the hormone-induced emotional roller coaster of pregnancy, I need all the inspiration I can get!
Cristy says
I’m a new reader I found you looking for homemade yogurt a few weeks ago. This post really touched my heart not because I have a major strugle with this but because my husband does. I beleive that how a person is raised has a lot to do with contintment. My parents had very little and my dad had issues with keeping a job but taught me money and love are not the same. On the other hand my father-in-law worked for the state, but worked nights and weekends so to make up for this they bought bought bought . Iv’e seen first hand the damage this has done, and the very real strugle to over come discontenment he has faced as an adult. The America life style is a crime our childern will spend their adulthood trying to over come. My husband and I married at 18, both of us are highschool drop outs, we have raised 3 happy kids on not much else but love. After 21 years of marriage we have a nice home, nice cars, and he has a good stable job to pay for it all. What really matters is we still have each other , our kids like us and want to be home. I use to sing a song with my Grandparents as a child, “Count Your Many Blessings Name Them One by One See What God Has Done” I don’t remember the rest but how true. Just wanted you to know today I counted you and this blog as a blessing.
Diane says
“Count Your Blessings” is one of my favorite songs we sang at church during my childhood. We lived in a “depressed” area; not much work, men losing jobs all the time. But our little congregation had great faith, and we sang with much joy.
Here is the first verse of “Count Your Blessings”.
When upon life’s billows you are tempest tos’t;
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost;
Count your many blessings, name them one by one;
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.
Chorus:
Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your blessings, see what God has done;
Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your many blessings, see what God has done!
Vicki says
I have enjoyed this series. My husband has been out of work for 9 months now, and it is easy to start wishing for things we can’t afford and become discontent. I have tried to make a conscious effort to be content with what we have, because it makes me happier. If I focus on what I can’t have or don’t have, I am less happy. It isn’t always easy, and I still have bad days, but I am much happier on the days I succeed in being content.
Condo Blues says
I lived in an apartment much like yours when I married my husband. The rent was cheap and we lived there 10 years because it allowed us to pay off a lot of bills. And because of that cheap rent and despite our family’s urging to buy a house “to be happy” (funny, I don’t remember being UNhappy at the time), we got the chance to take advantage of a deal and to to the Dominican Republic. Because of the deal, we had extra money to spend on tours. One of the tours was a sugar cane plantation, a school, and a “rich” coca and coffee plantation. Her house had a dirt floor but a small TV hooked up to a car battery. My husband and I came back to our shabby little apartment and the first thing I thought when I hit the door was “wow I have SO MUCH.” We’ve never forgotten that and now own our own little house we make sure that even though we could on many levels we don’t buy, buy, buy to make ourselves happy. The people we met at the DR didn’t have much but they were pretty content about what they DID have. Our guide pointed to the ocean and said, when you have that, do you need anything else?
Tate says
I lurk a lot and do not comment often, but I liked this post very much! Yes, I do think that contentment is often learned behavior. The aspostle Paul learned to be content whether he had much or little. We also lived in a tiny basement walk-out apartment in Germany when we were first married that had only cold water and no laundry facilities. (A little harder when baby #1 came along.) I cannot tell you how many times we have fondly recalled that it was one of the happiest times of our marriage. And now, we seem to have run full circle, because in the last couple years, we have lost everything through tragic and unfortunate circumstances that were beyond our control. But I know that it is just wasted effort fretting about these worldly things because God knows our needs and His purposes are higher than ours. We are back in a tiny, tiny place again, but we still live like kings compared to so many. If you have a warm bed and good food, you are rich!
Lynda says
I am loving your series on how to be more content. I think I try to live out these ideas myself, but do you have any ideas/suggestions how how to get your loved one to see that way?
Pamela says
Thank you for this series on contentment, I am a very content person but it is a constant struggle to stay that way. We live in a home(4 of us) that is very samll 975 sq feet but it is happy and I am happy. My struggle comes when “friends” comment on the size of our home. My secrert to staying content is to be thankful for what I have, while I clean I thank God I have a house to clean, when I scrub the toilet I thank God I only have one
Contentment is easy, it’s a choice daily. Thanks for the encouragement.
Bethany says
I think this way when I fret about being single. I think of all the ladies who are married in abusive relationships or women who are widowed or want divorces. That makes my heart go out to them and makes me less selfish about wanting a husband…but I still want one when the right time comes : )
Dana says
I loved this blog series…made me stop and think about what is truly important in my life and the lives of my children. When I was growing up my Mom would say to me, “Make it a good day!” She said this everyday as I left for school, and you know she was right. You can choose to have a good day despite the circumstances of the day, right? Choose to be happy, content, and postive! It will help you to have a peaceful home, a peaceful family, and a happy heart!!
robbiekay says
Wow! As much as I love your blog, I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited about one of your posts before. I totally agree with everything you’ve said. I’ve often said that if I ever have a child, I don’t want him/her to think that “this” (America’s riches) is normal–because it’s not! I remember a friend once making some remark about my car that was getting old and starting to fall apart, but I was grateful for my car and thought, “But the value of this car represents a year’s salary in much of the world!” It’s also amazing and heartbreaking to me to think that our pets have nicer homes and better medical care than many people in the world. I’ve commented to my husband about how our cats and dogs don’t know how good they have it, lapping up their fresh, clean water while so many humans in this world don’t even have that luxury.
WilliamB says
One reason I like the Little House series, The Witch of Blackbird Pond, and others about life a century or two ago is the insight into how people lived. How long it took to do laundry, how much space people had (sharing a bed was normal), how much work it was to get water and fuel.
You missed some things with your comparison to a Haitian home. In addition to the things you list, your home doesn’t flood when it rains, a hurricane or tornado is unlikely to remove the roof instead of guaranteed to do so, you don’t need to lock up what food you have so the rats and feral dogs don’t steal it, and you were able to have both heat (or cool) *and* light at the same time.
Of all these advantages, having both heat and light at the same time is the easiest one to overlook. In the undeveloped world, houses usually don’t have windows because they let in the too hot, the too cold, the wet, and more vermin. No windows means very little light. If you want to try it for yourself, use only candles or oil lamps for a week. It’s a real eye opener. Raven probably knows what I mean.
Reese, I prefer public transportation to private. I don’t get worked up about traffic. and my commute time is my private reading time, freeing at home time for other things. (Reading is mandatory in my life.) The 2.5 mi daily walk is good for me and helps clear my head after a day staring at a computer. Some days the thought of the walk is a bummer, I admit, but my life is better for it.
For most people, though, not having private transportation is a serious deprivation because there isn’t enough reliable public transportation in this country. I don’t know how my legally-blind aunt manages in LA.
Here’s a response for people who say “We did just fine without X in my day.” The thing is, new technologes get absorbed into the needs and expectations of daily life. My grandparents didn’t have phones till well into adulthood. They did just fine back then, I suppose; it wouldn’t work now.
Further, society and structures change in response to new technologies. For example, did you know that the elevator was the key inventions that made rich neighborhoods exclusively rich and was a key input to the suburbs? Before elevators, poor people and merchants lived in rich people’s neighborhoods … in the upper floors. Rich people lived no higher than the third floor. The poorer classes and the servants lived above them. The elevator changed all that by making the higher floors easily accessible. So rich people lived on all floors and the others were priced out and had to move. Follow it a step further: now workers need a way to get to work that’s suddenly miles away instead of yards.
In summation, travel and a sense of history go a long way to helping me recognize how lucky I am now. I often wonder what my putative great grandchildren will think of my lifestyle.
Frugal Liz says
I seriously can’t believe that those Haitians have to eat mud! How awful!
Karen S: I think you’re worrying too much about what other people think.
Kristen says
I’m SO familiar with that temptation (worrying too much about what other people think!). I think that God has helped me to grow in that area some but I’ve still got a very long ways to go.
It must be very freeing to be one of those people who doesn’t care so much!
WilliamB says
It is very freeing. If I need to, I pretend I’m so stinking rich that I don’t care what others think.
Karen S. says
In general I think this is helpful advice, as part of being grateful for what we have. But I also know several people who unfortunately use this “tool” on a regular basis to boost themselves up in their own minds. For example, looking at me in my smaller house, or with my lesser paying job, makes them feel superior. For instance, my sister-in-law often says private school/camp/their vacation/etc. cost a fortune! The implication is that she can afford a fortune–and it makes her feel superior to know that we can’t.
Alice says
I’m going to miss this contentment series. I loved having a regular reminder to be thankful for the life I live and to be content and happy with all that I have. I had the amazing opportunity to visit my aunt and uncle while my uncle was doing some temporary work in India. Wow! I experienced so much and truly came home appreciative for my life.
If you want a small peek at my trip:
http://awhimsicalwonderland.blogspot.com/2010/03/incredible-india.html
tara says
hey kristin–best post ever. love it. godliness with contentment is great gain (1tim 6:6)
Diane says
It pays to look around, too.
We just had to pay $1200 to repair my husband’s 10-year-old truck. But I am grateful. We have the money to pay for the repairs. The two vehicles we own are paid for; we have had very few repair bills over the years.
When I consider others around me who are struggling to keep a roof over their heads (literally), I’m grateful for my husband’s job; it provides for us – even repairing his truck.
Erika says
I just paid $1290 to repair my 7-year old car this past Monday! Obviously this was a very upsetting situation, but I did have a few things for which to be grateful. One, my car broke down when I was coming to a stop, and not on the highway. The repair shop said it was in bad straights so I was lucky for this! Two, paying for this repair will not break me. All my credit cards were completely free of debt, so I charged the repairs and then took some time to figure out how much money to move out of savings. Three, I HAVE a car. And it’s paid off. And NOW it’s safe to drive.
Mandy says
Excellent post, and so true. We’re currently studying Hurricane Katrina in my English class, and looking at that situation has really humbled me and made me appreciate my life a lot more. It’s hard to realize that the victims of Katrina were American citizens living in an advanced, modern city with running water, electricity, food, shelter… and in just one day they lost it all. It not only puts my living situation into perspective, but also reminds me that this isn’t permanent, and I should be grateful for it and appreciate everything.
Rebecca says
I completely agree that it’s important to look at the situations of those who are less fortunate in order to keep our attitudes in check, but I don’t always think that it’s appropriate.
I didn’t have internet in my apartment for the first semester of college last year. My mom kept telling me “OH WELL THE INTERNET WASN’T EVEN INVENTED WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE!!!” While that may be true, and the vast majority of the people around the world don’t have internet, it is absolutely essential for college students. I have written 8 papers this semester so far (only half way through!) and not a single one has been turned in in class. Everything is online. All assignments and homework are online. And not like you-can-print-it-out-and-write-on-it online, it’s interactive worksheet things that have to be submitted online.
So yes, thinking about people who don’t have internet is certainly humbling, but it doesn’t help me at all when every coffee shop with internet is closed at 3 am and my professor sends out an email moving up a deadline.
Also, with the hating your job thing. You’re absolutely right, sooo many people would love to have jobs right now but don’t. I taught preschool this summer and it was very challenging, but I loved it. There were times when I thought I was going to die, though. And in those times I just had to vent or I’d go crazy. Now I work at one of the university dining centers three days a week starting at 6 am. The busses don’t run that early so I get to walk for half an hour in the 22 degree weather. When you’re a college student pulling allnighters, getting up at 4:30 am means not sleeping at all.
I am extremely grateful to have my job. It doesn’t even come close to paying for rent or groceries, much less school, but any money helps. I don’t, however, think that there’s anything wrong with hating your job, as long as you are grateful to have it and keep doing the best you can.
(I really didn’t mean for that to sound so spiteful, but I’ve been told things like “you’re young, nothing could be that bad” and “just appreciate what you have.” Those are great things, but when you don’t have things that you really do need, those statements don’t help at all. And if I’m paying $60,000 for a college education, I want to get the most out of it)
Kristen says
I can totally understand how that would make you feel annoyed. I’d much rather preach this stuff to myself than have someone else preach it to me! And when you’re experiencing something yucky, the last thing in the world you want to hear is “Oh, it’s not that bad!”. It’s so dismissive.
And yep, I think it’s quite appropriate to hate some things in life. I hated being pregnant, I hated my job at Nordstrom, and once Joshua was born, I hated having only one bedroom (he was a craptacular sleeper and having him in the room with us was bad news!). And Mr. FG and I currently hate his work schedule.
But in the midst of acknowledging the suckiness of those situations, I think it’s important to still try to look for the good, to avoid looking up, and to look at those who have less….it helps to make a miserable situation less miserable.
Rebecca says
I totally agree 100%. I wasn’t off put by anything you said, I just wanted to point out that some people take it too far.
I just really believe that it’s important to sometimes acknowledge that even though one is incredibly lucky to have what they do, it’s still important to let yourself be discontent sometimes, or they may not strive to better their situation (when it truly needs to be improved on, not just for appearances or to “keep up” with anyone).
It’s one of those things like crying for a good hour after a stressful day, it makes you feel better and then you can move on.
Erika says
I think the main problem with people saying things like “You’re young, nothing could be that bad” and “Just appreciate what you have” is that it completely invalidates your feelings, which is always a recipe for disaster. We are allowed to have feelings – we’re human, after all! People don’t realize how cold and insensitive it is to say things like that…and it always seems like they say it at the WORST times. “Just appreciate what you have” is a great reminder when things are going well and you are open to hearing it, but hearing that when you’re upset is just cruel. Whenever I’m feeling icky, I define it. I say “I am in SUCH a bad mood today…” or “I am feeling kind of sad today, and that’s ok, it will pass”. Defining my feelings and then accepting them really does make me feel better – It’s far better to have feelings alone, rather than feelings AND guilt for your unpleasant feelings. I think this is a helpful strategy for when your emotions hinder you from “thinking” your way out of feeling discontent (ie, stop looking up, look at those with less, and look for the good). Of course when your emotions return to normal, Kristen’s tips are immensely helpful.
Kristen, thank you so much for this series. It has been so helpful. I’m very sad to see it end!
Rebecca says
I totally agree! My comment just wasn’t very articulate.
You have to let yourself feel. So if you’re angry or frustrated or sad, feel that. Then once you’re back to being yourself, remember who you are and what you have going for yourself.
Never letting yourself feel anything is a recipe for disaster.
Robin says
Loved this series! Sorry it’s come to an end! But this is the reason I read your blog – because you are cheerfully living on less and I, along with many others, need encouragement – which you offer. OUR problem is with exactly what you stated near the beginning of you blog – You said,” by American standards” . . . I have found when I judge anything by “American standards aka “worldly standards” I am always left disappointed, lacking, disgruntled, depressed, wanting more, resentful, etc. BUT when I let God set the standards – I have ALL I need. And a lot of times MORE than I actually need. Something else you got right is that it must be a conscious choice/decision every day to be content. There is a scripture that says we are to be grateful for what we have and not be seeking for more. I don’t know the reference at this moment. Thank you for all you do for us.
Erin says
Thank you for this series! It has been an encouraging reminder to me. My husband and I are newlyweds and living in a basement apartment on about $500 twice a month. Sometimes it is easy to feel discontent but when I look around and remember to be thankful for the things that I do have, it really helps. My husband has a full time job, I have a job offer to help a seamstress part time, our rent is very low, we have a free place to do laundry once a week, the kitchen area does have a dishwasher, and although we don’t have a stove, for our wedding someone gave us a huge convection oven that works great. Just a few things that if I focus on, changes my perspective and reminds me that God has blessed me so much and that I need to be content in whatever situation he sovereignly places us in. :o)
Cassandra says
Your post was inspiring! Although I rarely find myself desperate for new, expensive items, I do often forget to be truly thankful for the luxeries that I have. We get so used to having all of our basic needs met that we fail to think about the people who are in far more desperate situations. Just the fact that I am healthy with food to eat and water to drink should make me count my blessings everyday!
Jessica says
Thank you for this series! I always enjoy reading it. I hope it inspires many people on how to be content. For material possessions will never make you happy, if you don’t know how to be content with what you have. My husband and I often are reminded that “extra” luxeries often mean “more stress”. Why have a new car? Do you really want to struggle with the payment for that many years? We live in a two bedroom 60’s ranch. It’s small, and sure we desire and dream for a bigger home. But my husband and I also want to live in this home long as possible, because we know it’s cheaper payments than a bigger home. No reason to spend more money if you don’t have to. I much rather spend the extra money on activities as a family. Also we have found things like “cable” or “satilite” telivision actually takes away time as a family. It causes more stress and you don’t learn to be bored. Learning to be bored is important. My son gets more use out of his toys, and his imagination since we don’t have much tv for him to watch. It also encourages us to enjoy the fresh air on nice days. Thank you so much for starting this series to help others.
Linda says
A very thought provoking post, thank you for sharing it.
Going back a few days… Speaking of proof reading: I think you intended to say, “it’s worth noting… Rather than “it’s worth nothing”
You are absolutely right about being intentional and practicing contentment. Paul had to learn to be content…” for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.”
Kristen says
Ha! That’s a funny typo since it meant the exact opposite of what I was trying to say. Whoops.
Believe it or not, I read the whole darn post multiple times. I guess after so many times through, your eyes start to not see stuff.
Katie says
Thank you for this series, Kristen! You do well to encourage your readers to PRACTICE contentment. Paul, in his letter to the Philippians, as recorded in the Bible, says, “I have LEARNED to be content with whatever I have.” And goes on to say that he knows what it’s like to be one of the “haves” and also to be a “have not” and either way, has learned to be content.
Our kids are grown now, but we made sure that during their formative years they each had opportunities to travel in the developing world. I believe that expanding their world view beyond the consumer-based life in North America, to see the reality of life on the edge in Central America and other parts of Latin America, played a big role in their adult choices and was certainly a lesson in contentment. It was a good investment, at a time when we didn’t have much, to provide the funds for their travel and exposure to those who have so much less. The relationships that were formed during those trips continue to be life-giving.
Kim says
What a wonderful gift to give your children, the gift of perspective! Great investment!
toni says
Amen, sister!
Lorraine says
Kristen, thanks so much for this post.
I am currently unemployed (technically, I guess…I am a freelance writer making barely any money) and graduated from college one year ago with my Bachelors. I have realized that I can’t stand it when others complain about their jobs…I always tell them, “Please, look at me! Do you want to switch places? Yes, I may stay home all day, but I constantly fret about not being able to put food on my table!” I hope that everyone who is able to provide for their families will be content with the situation they have…and even I realize that my own situation can be much worse,
I studied International Affairs in college, so I have read a lot about the developing world and people who live in it. Truly, it’s eliminated any desire to live in a nice, big, expensive home and purchase designer clothes. It’s always great to put our situation in the proper context and find some perspective.
Now, on a faith based note, I’ve had a lot of Christians tell me that I “deserve” a great job and that God’s going to give it to me…that I will have a great job and lots of money…because God loves me. I wonder if those people are ever truly content. I wish that they could go overseas and see poor people who display a degree of contentment and try to smile throughout the worst of circumstances. Are they poor because God doesn’t love them? Absolutely not.
Kristen says
Oh dear. I’m not one of those people and I hate that idea that God’s love means we’ll be healthy and wealthy. Sometimes God decides to bless us with a lot, but sometimes He decides it’s best for us to have only a little.
Lorraine says
I totally agree! I also have a chronic illness, which is a double whammy.
I love the word “contentment.” I am sick and struggling, but there IS more. God is more…and He’s blessed me with enough.
And I just had to note that I read the Little House books for the exact same reason! I’m 23 and I still read them a few times a year. I used to wish that I could go back in time and live with Laura Ingalls in De Smet.
Clio says
I have so enjoyed this series. I am kind of sad it is done!
A couple of years ago I found a website that let you put in your income and see what percentile you were. I was able to limit it to the US and found that we are in the top 15% of wage earners, about right. Worldwide we were something like the top 4%! That made a huge impression on me. When I thought about it more, I realized that not only do we have “enough,” we are crazy wealthy.
Even more perspective bringing was to realize that, in terms of comfort, health and safety, we live better than most royalty throughout history. Egyptian pharaohs did not have indoor temperature control, running water or modern dental care. Seriously, especially in the north where I live, I would much rather have adequate heating than gold.
All that said, it is hard to remember all of that
I am in the last few weeks of my current position. We will soon lose about 25% of our income, which seems like both alot and not all that much (do I really work this hard to bring in only 1/4 of our income?). Sometimes I get these moments of “what am I thinking? How will we afford laptops for our children?” Then I remember that our kids are 4 and 2 and won’t need laptops anytime soon, and seriously, do children ever really “need” a laptop??
So yes, looking at people who have less helps tremendously.Thank you for the reminder. Since our income is going to go down to about what it was when I first did that calculator thing, I might put a sign on the refrigerator that says (4%!) to remind myself that 96% of people in the WORLD have less than I do. We are wealthy!!
Amanda says
After reading this comment I decided to find a calculator like the one you mentioned. This just does simple calculations, but here it is: http://www.globalrichlist.com/. I am in the top 3% of the world.
As a public school teacher, I am used to people in my profession complaining about our pay. In reality, I make more money than my father made while raising seven children. Honestly, I’d love a larger income, but I’ve never complained. After living in the Philippines once and Ecuador two times, I don’t think I’ll ever feel poor. I make enough to live comfortably, save for the future, and donate to good causes. Yes, there are material possessions I want, but I realize that I don’t need them. That helps me enjoy what I have.
Kristen says
Oh yes, such a good point. Even when I lived in a little basement apartment, I was still wealthier than so much of the world.
carmen @ life blessons says
I’m loving this series, and agree that gaining perspective is SO essential to finding contentment. I like how you encourage us to look at others, both in other parts of the world as well as back in history, because I think we are so jaded to how much we do have. We are living the lap of luxury! Going to Haiti was a great eye-opening experience for me, as well, but it’s one that I can easily forget when I start wishing for this and that. But you’re right that there’s always something to be grateful for, we just have to be humble enough to look for it!
Elaine Shannon says
Absolutely wonderful. I am always trying to be aware and cognizant of just how much I am blessed with. Several years ago our family income went from $250,000 a year to $70,000. My children were 20, 17, 18 and 7 at the time. I have always tried to teach my children both by word and example to be happy with what you have to share whatever you have. I do believe that because I did these things my children did not suffer a “sticker shock” when our lifestyle changed. We are all still happy and content with what we do have and realize that it is relative. We are so much more fortunate than some and still make sure we give to those in need. I have always known that money does not grant happiness. You have to be happy within yourself first.
michele says
My husband, myself and our 2 daughters live on one small income while I am going back to school. We often hear from others around us who make about 4 timess as much as we do how they can’t keep up with their payments and are going into debt. I think we have a nice lifestyle and though we my not have all the “necsesarry”things like cable we certainly are not lacking in anything I can see. We have 3 vehicles,2 bought with cash 1 we are making payments on, that while not new are nice looking and relieable. Our children have nice clothes and entirely too many toys. We are quite happy with what we have and although sometimes we do catch ourselves looking at what others have with envy we would rather have the time together as a family than working so much we dont remember what it is we work for.
Reese says
Oh Kristen, this hits home with me today.
I’ve been struggling lately with discontent. And I’m trying to fix it for the better. I consider myself patient when it comes to commuting times, but yesterday’s 2.5 hour commute home from work tried my patience. I got home and was just sad.
Today I took public transportation instead of my car. And I thought about it. I don’t need that car, and don’t have to pay gas. I can use public transportation (Sure it takes about 30 minutes more than a normal commute, but I get to relax and enjoy). Many people don’t have the convenience of a car OR public transportation.
Further more…. many people don’t have the luxury of a job! And I waited (patiently) for four months to get this one. That I love. And I love the people I work with!
So the little extra commute in the mornings will save me gas usage, gas money and the convenience of having someone else drive around in the snow and traffic so my nerves aren’t shot at the night’s end.
I’m remembering this as I decide to make this choice permanent today!
Molly says
This post resonated with me. One year for Christmas, my brother donated to a foundation for clean water on our behalf. I live in a city with delicious tap water, and every day, I try to be conscious and appreciative that I can have cheap, delicious, safe water at any time.
Raven says
I lived in Zambia (southern Africa) for 5 years, 2 of those in a village with no running water or electricity. One of the biggest lessons that I learned from that time is joy. None of my neighbors had more than 3 outfits. They didn’t have cars or heating or running water or electric lights (neither did I during that time- my hut was also mud).
But they gathered together to share their work and they told stories and they laughed ALL the time. Ten minutes of down time would lead to an instant dance party or storytelling contest. There was never a moment when they didn’t appreciate the small joys & gifts of their lives. And they shared- everything. The kids were always bringing me oranges, mangos, & avocados that they had picked.
Coming back to American society has been a real shock at times. I know that in Laura Ingalls Wilder’s day and even up to the 50’s, American life was like that. But in our quest for STUFF, we’ve lost the joy & the community & the sharing. So when you’re looking at people who have less STUFF, remember that you might also learn that they have MORE wisdom and joy. Just pay attention & you’ll learn something spectacular.
Juliette says
Very insightful. This is what I think about also. That in our quest for being the best or having the best (as a country) we have lost something. I want to get back to a simpler life and a slower pace and teach the value of that to my children. I think this will also help with being content. Because instead of investing in more stuff you invest in relationships and people and that is what is so very important.
Kayleigh says
You know, poverty is lousy and truly unfair. My husband and I got married young, lived in “that same apartment you described” with 2 babies, but we were fortunate enough to have family support (my mom and mom-in-law did a lot of baby sitting when I was in class, studying or working my nurse’s aid job and they sure did buy a lot of diapers and fisher price toys!!!!). But the point is, we were and are lucky and we both now have college degrees, my husband has a wonderful job, I stay home watching my children and we live in a beautiful big home in the suburbs with a new car and older well kept mini van. We go on vacation a couple times a year, can afford a pizza when I just don’t feel like cooking and my husband gets a big enough bonus every year that I can put money into my envelopes for Christmas, vacation, school clothes,etc. Point is, we started our marriage at poverty level, but we both came from very middle class families, and because of that we even managed to rise a little bit better than the grandparents, the true American dream. I live a pretty well to do part of Arkansas in a super subdivision, belong to a country club even, I’m very sheltered from the true poverty Arkansas truly has. I just read in the paper this morning that 27% of Arkansas kids live at or below the poverty line which is around 20 thousand for a family of four. They described on school about 15 miles from me that has a 97% of kids qualifying for free lunch, about 80% are at different stages of learning English. No one at home can help them with homework because parents are Spanish speaking and can’t help with English homework, are often uneducated themselves, or at work. I could feel really guilty for what I have, but instead I think it’s wonderful I have enough money to take 2 or 3 angel tags off the Christmas tree at church and purchase whatever is needed, I’m able to help with the fall and spring clothing kids campaigns, and I buy a couple of extra bags of groceries every week or so for our food pantry. What I really need to do is find some time volunteer some tutoring in my own community. I read in the paper recently about adult literacy. That’s something we could all pretty much do, we just need to make the time. So, yes I am content, what we need to do is help others with their contentment too if we are able.
Cyndel says
Kayleigh,
I was so excited when I read your comment! I spent the last two years working and volunteering at Adult Education Programs and I absolutely loved it. One program was in rural Indiana and the other in Urban Baltimore. The need really is everywhere. At both programs, the volunteer committment was only 2 hours a week. One program I worked at was a pre-GED program so the material being taught was at a high school level. However, some programs are at a basic literacy level and you might be teaching reading and addition/subtraction/fractions. I really enjoyed working at both programs (of course, like any volunteering, there will be difficult days and days that break your heart, but it’s totally worth it!) So many people have no idea how low the literacy rate is in this country, and I think it is wonderful that you have an interest!
I know this has very little to do with contentment, but I had to reply when I saw your comment. It sounds like you do wonderful things for your community!!! Even if you don’t find the time to tutor in Adult Literacy, thank you for everything else you already do!
ann says
Just saw a DVD of part of a sermon series on this subject, by Adam Hamilton. He has written a book on the same topic called “Enough.”
My biggest take-away from the sermon I saw was, “Be content with what you have, but not with who you are. You are not meant to be content with who you are.” (Not to say be discontent with who you were made to be–just that you are not there yet. Does not mean to be discontent with “what you have” to make you “who you are” in the sense of gifts from God, physical features, etc, but rather with your character–instead, to continually want to better yourself. Did I make sense? Hamilton did…)
Jinger says
“Our default mode is usually discontent, and our hearts and attitudes need constant adjusting…” I want to keep this quote of yours in mind today as I struggle with discontent over finances, family issues and life in general. I feel so much better as a person when I am content and my heart is filled with the joy of living. I’m hopeful to find that feeling again today. Thanks!
Stacey says
Excellent, excellent, excellent!!! This is all SO true. I like what you said about looking back in history… and even looking back in our own history can be helpful. I, too, had a stint in a less-than-accommodating, tiny basement apartment, and guess what? We were happy! I just want to kick myself when I have the fleeting thought that our 1900 sq ft home is not enough. So SILLY.
My car is on it’s last legs and so there’s a chance we’ll have to go down to one car for a while we save for a replacement. It sounds like the end of the world to me right now, but people survived on one and car and NO cars for years!
Oh, and I have neither an iPhone nor any sort of mp3 player and I manage just fine.
Becky says
I just wanted to say thank you so much for this series! I have been anxiously awaiting each segment as finding contentment is something I have been struggling with lately. I loved all of your suggestions and am going to try very hard to apply them to my life and to try to change my way of thinking when I start to feel discontent. Even when it seems like I am having a string of bad luck (like it has recently), it helps me put my life into prespective knowing that so many people are in much worse situations than I am in. So, thank you again for this series and all of your posts…as usual you are extremely helpful!! Love your website, keep up the fantastic job!!!