How I handled my finances during my divorce
(It's April 1st, I know, but no April Fools here. Promise.)
A reader recently left this comment:
Hi Kristen, I was wondering if you would considerer sharing a step by step post or a series on how you made all the financial plans once you decided to divorce. I think it'll be a life changing post for women/ moms who must leave after a long-term DV/ DA marriage, especially as a SAHM/ homeschooling mom who lived most of their lives in Stockholm Syndrome. I just met a mom with 3 little kids, and her husband just left them for another woman- totally out of the blue, and she has no clue what to do for money!!! Please consider it. Thank you.
I typically keep my marriage/divorce talk confined to my Patreon, where I share 1-2 posts a week. But since this question specifically relates to finances, I'm going to write about it here, and I'll probably just be a little more vague than I am in my Patreon posts.
I know my situation is unique
Many stay-at-home, homeschooling moms have no paid income, or if they do, it's not enough to sustain them. I always had a way of earning money during my marriage, though, and always had a plan for how to scale it if necessary.
(The theoretical event I was preparing for was widowhood, but the plan also stood in nicely for a divorce.)
For instance, when I was a piano teacher, I knew I could have added more students if I suddenly needed more income.
I could also have picked up more photography work, and I could have hired myself out as a pianist.
And in my actual situation, I relied on my blog income to get me through.
I recognize that not everyone has the options that I did, so keep that in mind as I share my story. I am not prescribing anything for anyone; I am merely describing what I did.
I absolutely did not make a plan
Every preparing-for-divorce course you take will advise you to make a plan, and I do think that's prudent!
However, I left with no plan.
(ATTENTION: Next section talks about suicidal ideation. Skip if you're not up for that.)
I had gotten increasingly depressed in the late fall of 2021 (due to the state of the marriage).
And in early January of 2022, I was so hopeless that I kept having the thought, "I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up."
(I wrote more about that on my Patreon in the post, "The Desperation of Living in No Divorce Land".)
One night, I had a dream that someone shot me. In my dream, I knew I was going to die, and my dream self felt so happy because that meant I would not have to live in my marriage anymore.
That morning, I left on my own and went to my parents' house, thinking I just needed a weekend break to get my head straight, and that I'd go back. But then, in fairly short order, the girls followed me. Then we all got Covid (it was the Omicron times!), so we obviously couldn't go back.
Despite all this, I started feeling much, much better mentally, and I decided to stay away for a while. We started one last-ditch effort at marriage therapy (the fifth round) over Zoom, and this time, after a number of sessions, I realized things were never, ever going to change, and I was the one who decided I could no longer do it.
I let him know of my decision over Zoom, at the last therapy appointment, sitting in the garage at my dad's work desk.
The Rental Hunt
I had asked if the girls and I could have the house, and if he could find somewhere to rent, but the answer was no. So, I set out on a discouraging hunt for a place to rent.
My credit score is great, but as a self-employed person, it's complicated to provide proof of income, and landlords prefer a simple renter.
Thankfully, my mom got word of a home for rent through someone at her church, and I was able to apply directly before the rental was even listed.
The divorce process
At that time, the law here specified that the two parties had to live apart for a full year before filing, unless both parties agreed to file sooner.
Such an agreement was not given to me, so I settled into my house here to wait the year out.
I'm good at keeping expenses low, and I was able to pay my bills using my blog income. Luckily, our health insurance was still in place through his employer.
I applied for scholarships left and right, and I continued on with my nursing school prereqs during the wait.
Once the year was up, I promptly hired a lawyer and made efforts to move the divorce process forward through mediation. Unfortunately, these efforts were not terribly successful, and about halfway through the year, I officially filed for divorce and had papers served.
This happened in the fall of 2023, in my first semester of nursing school (not an ideal time to be filling out pages of interrogatories and preparing for depositions). STRESSFUL!
(But I was still much less stressed than I'd been in my marriage.)
Thankfully, we did not end up having to see the process all the way through to a trial, and in December of 2023, we had a final divorce hearing and signed the papers.
The judge did the final sign-off in late January 2024, a little over two years since I'd initially left.
The finances
In the settlement, I received a payout for half the value of the marital home, I got half of the retirement accounts, and I got some back child support, since Zoe was under 18 for the entire two years of the divorce process, and she lived with me full-time.
(Something I did not know: the back child support can only go back to the date you file for divorce. That meant basically all but about six months of those two years were ineligible. In that sense, it would have been advantageous to file something official much sooner, but I was naively optimistic about cooperation levels, and I thought mediation would work. Whoops.)
My lawyer also negotiated for me to be able to keep my blog as my own, with almost no stipulations about what I can and can't say here. My story is mine to share, and though I keep most of it on my Patreon, I am grateful to feel a sense of freedom here (even if I rarely exercise it!).
I got sole ownership of my van, and I also kept the Civic that I'd bought for Zoe to use.
My legal fees got very high during the last six months of the divorce process, and by the time we got to the court date to sign papers, I was nearly broke.
To pay the last fees and tide me over until the settlement check arrived, I opened some 0% credit cards and put my legal fees on them. Thankfully, the 0% period was long enough for me to pay the balances in full after the settlement.
And since then, I've been in the process of rebuilding my finances. Divorcing in midlife is not a recipe for financial success, of course, but the financial destruction has been entirely, 1000% worth it.
My life is better in every single way, and my worst post-leaving day has never been harder than my marriage (and that includes the worst of the divorce process).
Finances for the future
Thanks to all the scholarships I applied for, I graduated from nursing school with no school loans, and I should be able to get my BSN degree with no loans as well, thanks to my hospital's reimbursement program.
After the divorce, I was obviously removed from his health insurance, and I bought my own through the state (unsubsidized). But now that I work full-time at the hospital, I have regular health insurance again (yay!).
My expenses are fairly reasonable now (no more lawyer retainers!), so I'm working hard to save and invest so I can put myself in a good financial position in the future.
I honestly feel very optimistic about the future; since I am the one in charge of my finances now, I can make some really good progress, and I am seeing the fruits of my frugality. Such a nice feeling!
Again, I recognize that I had some serious advantages here, and I know it will not be this easy for everyone. But I can say with certainty that even if things had worked out more poorly for me financially, I still would make this choice.
I can always figure out ways to make more money, and I can always rebuild financially, but I cannot get years of my life back. I would not want to waste one single more moment of my life living in an environment that was slowly draining my will to live.
Peace is priceless.
Did that answer your questions? If it didn't, let me know in the comments, and I'll do my best to answer, maybe in a follow-up post.
P.S. At a therapy appointment shortly before I left, I was displaying all the symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder. After I left my marriage, all of that dissipated. I was not mentally ill; I was merely living in an environment that was...not good for me. And this is why I say it was worth it to leave.
I'm so glad you've come out the other side into a peaceful place with the ability to control your own fate so to speak!
It is so important for women to have the ability to support themselves, and I applaud you for always keeping that in mind. While I've not divorced, that has always been a concern for me. I have young adult kids, and I am so thankful that I could work part time from home for many years while they were growing up. I made big sacrifices in terms of my career progression and retirement savings, but we saved a ton on child care and I got to be there for most things. When I was ready to go back full time, my employer was happy for me to transition, but even if they weren't, I had no gaps on my resume and my technical skills were fresh so finding another position would not have been a problem. My stay at home mom friends found it very difficult to get back into the workforce, often settling for much lower positions than they left or having to start over in another field. If they were to divorce, they would have been in a very difficult situation. One of my daughters is newly engaged and starting grad school, and I have been a little bug in her ear about her future career path and flexible schedules, etc.
I think that’s really important - being mindful of a possible future divorce - but hard to contemplate when you’re on cloud 9 from a recent engagement.
I thought about it in terms of being widowed. My mom had always told me about her aunt who was left widowed with many young children after her husband was killed in a farming accident. This made me motivated to be prepared to live on my own and support myself. I successfully did for two years after graduating from college before marrying my high school sweetheart. While I have always worked full time, being on my own increased my confidence; no regrets.
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s a story of strength, persistence, resilience, courage, and survival. Every woman should read it. No woman should feel she is inferior and stay in a broken marriage.
Yes. To me, that feels like a waste of the one precious life we've been given! I'm happy I get to live the rest of my life differently.
Thanks, Kristen, for your openness about this and so many things. No doubt many, many women have benefitted from hearing your story - garnering courage and strength for their own journey. I shared your story/blog with a friend about a year and a half ago, and she just had final divorce papers signed in the last month (many similarities... life stage, taking classes, etc). So thanks again for being a light and inspiration to others- even as you walked a difficult road! <3
Aww, yay for your friend! Tell her I'm cheering her on. 🙂
I had a friend recently tell me that she had handed over her paycheck to her husband her entire marriage, and he had handled the finances. She didn't know anything about their finances. She didn't even know how much money was in her checking account. This woman is currently close to retirement age. Her husband seems to be a good guy, but things can happen, even to a good guy.
It shocked me that women my age and younger still do this. My own household was different, with my mother being the financial brains. In addition to handling the finances, she simply had to spend that little bit of extra effort to make my father think he was financially competent. He was not. He couldn't even do his own simple taxes after her death.
Yes, that is too risky. Both people in a partnership should know where the money is, how much money there is, and so on. Otherwise it's not truly a partnership!
Your story is a great cautionary tale to anyone falling for the tradwife movement. No woman is safe if they are relying 100% on a man to support them. The courts don’t always protect women and if you have no money, you have very few options. The fact that you had your own sources of income probably saved your life. Thanks for sharing all of this.
Yes. Leaving without an income would have been wildly complicated; I'd have had to file legal stuff right away to try to get some kind of financial support, and based on how my divorce dragged on, I know the process of trying to get that support would have been long and drawn out.
The tradwife movement is so dangerous. It seems to have taken off as a backlash to 'girl boss feminism' and Lean In, which told women a simplified/fake version of feminism where women can succeed in the corporate world. Then it became painfully obvious that the corporate world is inherently flawed in many ways, and women generally are either underestimated or given too much to do on top of housework and childcare. I think there are lots of issues with the corporate workplace, but the answer isn't for women to stay home and not receive income (and I am not talking about SAHMs who have made a conscious choice, I'm talking about women being encouraged not to work in general). Previous society was not kinder to women; marriages lasted longer 'back then' because women had very little means to support themselves financially and/or risked retaining custody of their children if they wanted to leave. Many women also did work outside the home, but that work is not recognised in this distorted and sanitised picture of the past.
The point is, it's SO important for women to be able to financially support themselves and have options. We do not want to go backwards.
HUGS from an internet stranger who is so impressed with you and SO PROUD of you. You are a force, Kristen!
Thank you! <3
My ex husband left me for his secret pregnant girlfriend, and hid for four years. Then when I finally found him and forced the divorce, he tried to go after MY ASSETS, that I had WAAAAAAAAAAAAY before the marriage. Luckily he made the judge as frustrated as he left me, and in the end - he got ZERO, and when he agreed, the judge made him sign the paper the moment he "agreed" because he has so absolutely GREASY, during the whole process. The things he accused me of are almost unspeakable, and if it had been anyone else - they may have been investegated harder. However I had worked in the courthouse then, for 26 years. They knew me. They just didn't know what I was dealing with, till the divorce.
The best thing he ever did was leave, even if it was really hard. It's been 10 years and he is STILL stuck in the same loop as before. I am single and free to do whatever I want. Don't just stay for (fill in the reason) if you are unhappy. Life is too short, and your kids deserve better (even if it's less!). Sometimes less IS MORE!
It is so sad when someone is just flat-out stuck being the way they are. You cannot help someone like that change, but YOU can free yourself and move on. No need for both people to be stuck. 🙂
Good for you for rebuilding!
so glad you persevered. thank g-d you worked at the courthouse, or you would have been more screwed than you were. pleas continue to live a joyous life. hugs and love from me to you.
Wow divorce sucks. Your post made me think of my situation 17 years ago. I was 55 and we never married although 20 years before he asked me that important question. A general narcissist, he bought a 40 acre spread in the country and we proceeded to build a house and moved his 88-year-old mother in with us, who needed 24-hour care. I was a bit overwhelmed, but I had a great garden to tend besides all the other tasks in running the house so he could enjoy his retirement working his land the way he wanted. Until one night. He woke me up at 2:00 a.m. and told me I had displeased him, and I was to be out by 7:00 a.m. the next morning. This was not the first time he had done this to me but it was the last. At 7:00 a.m. I got up and left. As I was going out the door. he said 'you can come back at noon'. I didn't. I went to a Walmart parking lot and called a friend that I knew would be up and she confirmed I was doing the best thing possible for myself. Unfortunately I had rented out my house to live with him (the rent covered my large medical premiums), so returning was not an option. I moved in with my 80 -year-old father who thought it was a hoot. I also went to the gym in earnest. Nothing like looking good during your breakup. Unfortunately I'd given up my long-standing job and nobody was hiring at all in 2009. Through a fluke I managed to get the only job available in my town, which was at the DMV! But I needed my health benefits and that was before the ACA. After about a year my tenants moved out. I was storing money in my Roth 401k and learning great life lessons at the DMV. I only stayed there 3 years because it was so dismal and my background was in art and antiques which makes it even more ironic. I worked a few more years in various jobs, including shop girl at a jewelry store. That was fun. All for the sake of medical benefits. I had a bit of an inheritance so I lived off my savings frugally and banked most of my salary in my Roth 401k which I put in S&P 500. It's done admirably well over the last 17 years. I retired during covid and now am divesting myself of many possessions that are no longer of use in my streamlined lifestyle. No regrets. Although I believe he has some because he came by with a engagement ring one day! BTW he had to put his mother in a nursing home which broke my heart. I visited her weekly for several years until she passed away. I'm 70 now and have a contented and secure life. My advice is to put as much as possible into your Roth savings, whether it be a 401k with your company or an IRA. I've been a huge fan of S&P 500 as the investment platform, but since I'm older now, I'm diversifying into CDs. On a personal note, if you find that you are being isolated by your other half, if he wants to keep you away from your friends and family, please reconsider your relationship. It will be hard, very hard, but being independent and happy is so much better.
Good for you for leaving!
Jennifer, I'm so sad he ordered you around like that, and I'm glad you didn't go back when he said you "could." Kudos on surviving and thriving on your own!
Thanks so much for this, Kristen. It's so important for women to put together a financial plan for marriages ending - even if you think you'll 'never' get divorced, your spouse could die, or get sick which means they can't work or, if it's something such as Alzheimer's, could seriously affect financial management (which others know more about than me - I'm sure A.Marie can attest). Either way, I don't think it's wise to assume marriage is forever, or smart to leave financial management to your partner.
I watched a series called Maid recently where a woman is mentally and financially abused by her boyfriend and, when she leaves with her child, she has no skills, education or money of her own. As the title suggests, she begins work as a maid, and it's a very tough road, but, like Kristen, the character thinks it's worth it.
Finally, I'm not a doctor, nurse, or qualified at all in medicine, but from what I've observed, mental health is implicitly tied to our physical health and environment. Obviously some conditions are more severe than others, and even 'easier' issues are not fixed as such by changing the environment, but I do think our mental wellness is strongly affected by how safe and healthy our worlds are, ie, home, workplace and town/city/villages. In the show, the character's mental health is affected by the abuse and then by poverty, and I think the writers do an excellent job of showing how it's not simply a question of leaving and starting over. She is stuck between a rock and a hard place. This is why I believe social programs are so important, but that's another post!
One more thought - financial knowledge is important for all of us, no matter what gender or marital state we are in. Money isn't everything and it can't buy happiness, but it certainly buy shelter and peace of mind! Thanks again for your advice, Kristen!
*can buy shelter and peace of mind!
Well said Sophie! I also watched Maid back when it first came out and its a great mini series!
The book Maid by Stephanie Land is also very good. She really had grit--like Kristen!--and overcame a very difficult situation. I truly admire both ladies.
I've been meaning to reread that and check out her new(ish) book, Class.
Mary G,
I believe the show is based on the book - which is on my tbr list.
The ability to leave a situation within a reasonable time frame is crucial for all people, I think. Clearly, income / finances is a big part of that, ofc, but a supportive network, the options to upgrade or pivot one's career, the ability to properly care for any children or pets or whatever is another thing. Feeling completely trapped would make anyone depressed, and I always wonder about the partners in these scenarios: like, how shameful and mortifying to have to hogtie someone to you, shackle them so that they are pretty much forced to stay? Have some self-respect! If someone wants to leave (even if you have done nothing wrong at all), let them! Sure, in a marriage, especially where there are children, I see the point of making a serious, good faith attempt to solve any issues and see if that makes things contented again, but after that? ''Here are all the accounts, here's your half, bye!'' I'd die of shame if I realised my partner was essentially trapped with me and desperate to get out to the point where they were clinically depressed.
Then again, I would hope I'd be open to remedying marital issues a long time before then, such that if divorce happened, it would be done with at least some basic courtesy and respect.
Caro,
Some people are so self-involved and/or narcissistic that they don't recognize (or care) that their partner is clinically depressed. At the same time, so people who are clinically depressed are able to hide it (Kristen, not saying either of these scenarios are what your situation included). My bff was in a toxic marriage with her narcissist now-ex husband for almost 28 years, and ex was so into what he needed and wanted that he never considered ehat she wanted and needed. She is so much happier without him.
Thank you, Sophie, for the reminder that we all need to prepare for what might happen if/when a marriage ends--whether by divorce or by the death or catastrophic illness of a spouse.
In DH's and my case, as I've noted in the past, things weren't as bad as they might have been: We had long-term care insurance; I had a good job (and wonderfully supportive employers); and we had (and I still have) a financial cushion. Still, we sustained some financial losses because DH had to stop working relatively early; because I had to cut back on my work hours and finally retire as his Alzheimer's worsened; and because we took a few modest financial hits from property damage DH inadvertently caused.
But things could have been far worse if DH hadn't been so cooperative about handing over driving and finances to me early on. There are horror stories out there about families' being sued for everything they've got when a family member with a dementia diagnosis gets into a car accident, or about impaired family members' losing thousands of dollars to scams (online or IRL) or in other ways.
So, in short, Kristen, Sophie, and many other Commentariat members are offering valuable advice here. I salute you all.
Thank you for emphasizing all of these important points. I have a dear friend who tired of doing all the family financial work and handed it off to her husband when she retired. When he died suddenly she found he had been giving away an unsustainable amount each month. He was clearly a good guy and husband but she hadn't detected his mental decline. She was able to downsize and carry on so it could have been so much worse.
I was a SAHM for years and a nurse. Three kids. When my ex left us, i didn’t have a penny to my name-and he changed the finances. I went and got food stamps, and medicaid. I but myself back in nursing school, and thankfully we were still living in the marriage house that he had to pay everything. Through the divorce process I made sure i got enough money to sustain us while i was in nursing school. We lived so poor, but it allowed me to be there for my kids and be in school. There are ways-just need to get creative!
When I began reading your blog way back when there was no indication that you were suffering. I admired you then and admire you even more now. Thank you for sharing that with us. Keep up the good work. You’re an amazing human!!
I left a very unhappy marriage many years ago (nearly 40 years ago!) and started a new life with my young kids and myself. It was an incredible struggle, but I was at a significantly better place mentally and physically than I ever was while married.
Whenever I hear that women have filed for divorce, I always want to congratulate them. While the immediate situation may be less than ideal, I've found that most women are in a better place mentally and physically than they ever were during their marriages. One can always recoup financially, but without one's mental and physical health, there's no amount of money that matters.
And yes, I stayed single, and we struggled in poverty for many years. However, I raised my kids by myself, put myself through college, got my degree, built my profession, and am on track to retire. I may not be rich with dollars, but I am rich with life, and that's more than I can say for a lot of people.
I couldn't help but notice the Happy Camper Snoopy shirt on your parents' couch with COVID. The start of your path to becoming an ACTUAL happy camper with contentment and joy in your heart.
Thank you for all that you've been willing to share. Your experience has helped many readers on their own paths, or like in PD's case above, a ripple effect to encourage others. I feel more equipped and empathetic as a human by continuing to read your blog. You navigate being gracious and non accusatory toward someone who hurt you deeply with such thought and skill on here. Truly admirable.
Hahaha, yes, I was not a super happy camper at that moment, but I left my house with nothing more than clothes for a weekend, so my wardrobe options were severely limited until I was able to go retrieve clothes from my house!
And thank you for your kind encouragement. 🙂
Heather Mar said it perfectly - her last 3 sentences are just how I see you and your space here. Thank you for sharing your authentic (admirable) self with us (& thanks Heather Mar for expressing this so well)!
Through my divorce (took 3 years), I was told repeatedly that I was entitled to complete access to joint accounts and credit cards that were established during the marriage and if he cut me off from that it counted as financial abuse. I was also told I should take half of his income until the financial stipulated agreement was signed. I wish I had taken that to heart more than I did, because after all the mediators and judge looked at it, they didn’t ask for any accounting of how money was spent during the years it took to divorce despite an order from the court saying that only necessary expenses were permissible until financial settlement.
For those who don’t have income, or substantially smaller income than your spouse—take the 50% if your state allows it. It can be such a game changer.
Looking back, I wish I had been more hard-nosed about that too, because maybe it would have inspired some...speedier cooperation.
There's no reason for these things to take YEARS, especially in my case when we had a single minor child who was old enough to make her own decisions anyway.
the thing that really stands out for me - more than anything else - is how, whatever your ex did or did not do / agree to / whatever, whatever punishment or obstructiveness popped up for whatever reason, it was STILL TOTALLY WORTH IT to get unmarried.
If I were him, I'd be doing some reflecting. Anyway.
Great post, Kristen!
When I got divorced, I was concerned I'd end up living in my car and that seemed much better than remaining married.
People forget about temp agencies, but they really can be amazing for helping bridge the gap.
Part of my emergency "what if" plan is to contribute to my own Roth IRA. I know that if a divorce happens if can be split, but I love that it has a high threshold for exemption from bankruptcy and the 5 year contribution rule. That's in addition to always learning new skills, investing in other ways, etc, but I talk to many friends who have no retirement accounts of their own or pour everything into their employers account and then have no access until they leave.
When living in a car seems better than staying married, you KNOW it's time for a divorce. 😉
Thank you for sharing this. I know it’s not a desireable situation but I think your practical description of how you handled it can be of such help to others needing to walk this path.
Follow-up question: what did you do with the financial windfall (I don’t think this is the right word because I think of it in a positive light like an unexpected work bonus or being given a winning lottery ticket…)? Did you just rebuild (start?) savings? Establish slush funds?
Right now, I just have it parked in a high-yield savings account. I would like to use it as a down payment on a home, but I feel unsure of my future house-buying plans at the moment. So, I don't really want to put it in the stock market; I don't want to commit to keeping it invested for a long time!
You, my dear, are a Profile in Courage. And a great example to your daughters.
So many blessings to you on your journey.I have loved and continue to enjoy sharing your trip through nursing school, and the work you have had to do to stay healthy and secure.You’ve done it! Your story is just a great boost and encouragmement to women who fell they are scraping the bottom of hte barrel.you reached out for therapy, you listened to your body,to your dreams, and got OUT for that break when your mental state was precarious, and you healed.
I read your blog every morning, you have created a kind and interesting community here that boosts many of us up when we get to read your posts! THANK YOU!
SO MUCH MORE GOOD STUFF AHEAD FOR YOU!!!
I come into this from the opposite side (as a child of divorce). My parents got divorced, remarried EACH OTHER (I joke that you haven't lived until 1) you stumble upon your father proposing to your mother --in the middle of the night no less and 2) asking to be excused from school--I was in the 7th grade--to attend your parents' wedding!!)
I was pretty much heartbroken by the first divorce but by the time they got divorced again I was fine with it. My parents made each other unstable and I decided that I'd rather have one stable parent (my dad) and one slightly unstable parent (my mom) because things were mostly better when they did not live together. They loved each other but just couldn't live together.
What blows my mind though is they did honestly consider getting married to each other a THIRD time. I'm over in the corner saying OMG not this again!!
Oh, this is a funny story, and I'm glad they decided against a third time.
Thank you for sharing this, and for being such an inspiration !!
i am so sorry you had to go through all of this. so glad you are on the other side. growing up in such a horrible environment and not feeling love from my parents there were many times i thought i didn't want to hang around. my first shrink was at 13. when i got to the other side it was such a relief. thank you for sharing. you are so AMAZING and APPRECIATED.
Off topic. do you know anything about lidl grocery store. thanks.
You're a rock star lady!
I'm sorry you had to go through all that (and it sounds like you got no cooperation from the other side just to make things harder for you), but I'm glad you're out and living your own life now.
Sometimes I feel like you are my divorce little sister…..❤️
It kills me that in this day and age, child support is not immediate and mandatory. I had to wait about eight months for a hearing , and I want to tell you it brought me to the edge.
One thing to bear in mind is pensions, retirement plans and Social Security. I was a SAHM and not able to build up funds for retirement, however, I was entitled to a qualified domestic relations order that gave me a small percentage of his pension for my lifetime. Under certain circumstances, you can also qualify for Social Security based on his income. In my case, I subsequently out earned him (yay me) so what I would get for Social Security on my own is higher.
So happy for you still! Your situation is also a great illustration of how good money-management skills help in good times and bad times (e.g., limiting the financial damage).
YES. When I was furnishing my house here largely from scratch, with little money, I said to myself, "I have been training my whole life for this!" Ha.
I don`t know where the quote comes from, it was some famous lifecoach or so, but it still holds true:
"Before you diagnose youself a depression, check if you are surrounded by assholes."
That is so, so true.
If there is any life left in you, that should give you the motivation to change things.
Good luck to the mom the letterwriter mentioned! It gets better. It just gets better slowly.
(I am still happily married - not all bad life situations are marriage induced 😉
OMG this phrase is brilliant! thank you for adding it to my vocabulary
I am 79 years old, and have been reading your blog since way before the divorce. I have been married 59 years. Just to tell you a little about myself.
I think I have only commented a few times, but I feel compelled to comment now.
I love you...for so many reasons. Wish we could know each other in real life, but I will settle for just reading your blog. You are so special. xo
Aww, thank you for popping in to comment. I appreciate you sticking with me for so long!
I love this. I’ve been reading your blog forever - for over 15 years now, and I don’t think I’ve ever missed a post. I’m so happy that you’ve moved into such a good chapter in your life. I also just want to echo what some others are saying in the comments - I think it’s wise for all adults to be able to support themselves independently. I’m happily married and don’t anticipate that changing, but things happen beyond just divorce. Widowhood, illness, disability, long-term unemployment, unexpected needs in our extended family… there are lots of circumstances in which I could lose my husband’s portion of our joint income. I couldn’t maintain our current lifestyle based on just my income alone, but I could adjust our expenses and continue to support myself and my child (and my husband too, in circumstances like disability or unemployment). I would have really liked to be a stay at home mom and have always felt a bit envious of SAHMs in my life, but couldn’t make that choice myself because it wasn’t financially an option. Now that my child is getting older though, I’m grateful that I have my career and that I’ve maintained my ability to support myself. Your post is a good reminder that there are lots of different ways to do that - the important thing is to be adaptable and maintain ways to earn income in unexpected circumstances. Life throws curveballs at all of us, and it’s wise to be prepared!
Also, I just want to say I talked about this regularly with my husband - not “if we got divorced,” but “if one of us were suddenly laid off.” For people in a relationship like mine, I just want to mention that it doesn’t need to feel like you’re thinking about the possibility of your marriage ending or your spouse passing - just thinking about potential curveballs!
You are fierce, brave, and an all around amazing woman! The way you survived and thrived with so little money, no thanks to your ex, is truly inspiring!
This was incredibly helpful -- and interesting, too. Thank you for being so honest, Kristen.
(And I don't have plans to divorce! But I have friends who have gone through this hell.)
Thank you for sharing your story and your strength, Kristen.
Thank you for your vulnerability. I can see, through the pictures of you, how much happier you are now.
I divorced in the 80’s. I had 2 children and their dad ended up living in other states, so I had them the bulk of the year, which was fine. He was stationed overseas when we separated, so the process took time. I negotiated all of our home equity for any part of his retirement. Having the home equity led to buying another house several times over with an increase in equity and value each time. It was a smart move. I decided I was going to have to position myself financially early on to provide for my children and myself. I finished my Master’s before the divorce was final and then started my doctorate. Fortunately, I knew how to be frugal and 2.5 years later, I was gainfully employed. I learned to negotiate for my salary as I moved into academia. Any pay increase, any employee contribution was based on that starting salary so I knew it needed to be as high to begin with as possible. Again, that served me well as I advanced and changed universities.
I did remarry after more than 10 years of being single. I came into that marriage debt free! Because it was the 90’s, we didn’t have a pre-nup and we combined our incomes, etc. We have mostly been similar in our approach to money management. I’m a bit more frugal, but we’re not too different. We did decide early on that all of our children would be treated as equally as possible when it came to dividing things up. My husband had investments. to pay for his two children’s college. I did not. I contributed to my children’s college expenses as I could and he found a way to increase our contribution to my youngest. All in all, it has worked well.
Here’s my advice though. I knew that should something happen to my husband, I would need to make sure my income and assets would provide for myself as there were some assets my husband had that could not become mine. As soon as our youngest was out of college (that ended up requiring more than the investment), I maxed out my 401k contribution. We had a few lean years, but that has paid off in spades and we’re very comfortable in our retirement after 30+ years of marriage. Both of us will be fine financially should something happen to the other. The present is important, but so is the future. I ended up working longer than most of my peers and we both waited to withdraw SS until we reached 70.
I think watching my mother struggle financially after my dad’s death and little to no financial preparation gave me the additional incentive to make sure I would be okay. Bottom line … think strategically and prepare for retirement.
I would also advise to have long term disability (LTD) if offered through your job (current or future). It may be affordable on the open market if you aren't in a high risk/risky job classification. Though married, we had two kids. I bought as much LTD as I could as well as group term life - when it was actually inexpensive versus the later option of "convertible to whole life".
I worried far more about being disabled than dying however - I carried health/dental/vision for the family.
So basically there was no way you could’ve gotten child support during the “waiting year” before you could file? If so, that’s appalling. Your future is bright. Nurses have so many options in how to work their careers. I can’t wait to keep following along. I’m so sorry you had to go through what you did to get to this point, though. Sometimes we live out what we’ve been taught our whole lives and it just goes awry.
Hi.
You don’t talk about your faith anymore. I’m not religious, but I wondered if it wasn’t as central to your life now you were divorced?
So glad you are happy!
Abigail
X
I would say I am in a place that is complicated regarding my faith. I have more questions than answers, and some of the difficulties stem from the fact that, although the church did not CAUSE anyone to behave in an abusive way, there are things about my church life that set me up to accept and endure poor treatment, and when I tried to get help, I was just sent back to endure some more.
There are problems with the whole system, and the fact that so many in the system are callous toward women who are being abused...it gives me pause. I hope Jesus would weep at the plight of his daughters, but many in the church do not. In fact, the women are often blamed (if you just...).
I've written more about this on my Patreon, of course, but this is a general summation.
All I’ll say is that you are an incredibly strong and resilient woman. I’m thrilled you can be the center of this chapter of your life. More good things are in store for you, Kristen!
Thank you for sharing your journey, and I am so glad you are in a better place now.
If there is one lesson for me that everyone should take from this, but especially women - is that you should never be 100% financially dependent on someone else. But sadly, many societies still believe that women should stay home when they become mothers (which is in itself an issue and can lead to terrible dependency on their husbands).
And also, don't let someone else handle your finances by yourself. Know what comes in, and goes out. Have your own bank account. In a partnership, finances should be shared; otherwise, it isn't really a partnership.
Kristen.
I just read this post and you’re so strong. I lost my husband last September and I feel you about navigating single parenthood. But knowing we can do it on our own is the best feeling in the world. Have you checked about Facebook monetization program? It’s a side hustle for me. Not much but it helps to pay some expenses here and there.
xoxo
Gladys
Awww I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Sending you a hug!
I do have facebook’s program enabled but I don’t do a lot with it so it pays me like $8 a month. Ha. I’m sure it’s due to my lack of effort; I focus more on my blog platform.